#I'd like to start regularly posting again because I'm afraid if I don't I'll just sulk further in misery. We'll see.

[inkabelledesigns]

I know I'm posting a day late here, but Happy Birthday Bendy! February 10th, 2024 marks the 7 year anniversary of when Bendy and the Ink Machine came out. And boy, has it been a wild ride. Normally I would reserve this for my Bendy sideblog, @angelofthepage , but I'm posting it here because this is where I started years ago, and I want some of those people who don't see that blog to have a chance to see this. Because you guys are a part of this story.

In about three months, seven years ago, I was in finals hell, working through my process book for my packaging design class in one of the dorm lounges while my roommate had taken the room for herself again. And the only thing keeping me sane was putting Can't Be Erased and Build Our Machine on loop as I worked. BATIM only had two chapters out, and I didn't know everything about it, but I was so intrigued by what its deal was. I took one look at Sammy Lawrence and I wanted to know everything about him. Something about this barely started game, the idea of your characters coming to life to kill you, it thrilled me, intrigued me. It was something I was really afraid of, being so attached to my characters and putting so much of my identity in my art. And while the story isn't really all that much about cartoons themselves being alive, it gave me something else that ended up changing my life.

Over that summer, I would become obsessed, and for the first time in years, I let myself be a fangirl again. And maybe one day I'll pull up the timeline and tell you how it all went down. But right now, after all the celebrating of yesterday, I just wanna take a moment to appreciate the last seven years. All the people I've met, all the friends I've made. All the experiences we've had together, big and small. Some have been incredibly close, and others have been people I still smile about whenever I see them on my feed, even if we're not all doing stuff in the same fandom anymore. There's some people I've fallen out of touch with that I likely won't ever see again that I miss. There's some I'll be lucky if I never see again. There's the official voice actors for Dark Revival, which I've had the pleasure of working with on community things here in the fandom. I regularly moderate their livestreams (or Lovestreams as we call them) where they sign prints and interact with us fans (and sometimes I'm tech support, once an ink machine technician, always an ink machine technician xD). I'm honored to call a lot of them my friends, we've had some truly wonderful conversations. I've spent a lot of time in a variety of servers, trying to uplift people and make for a positive fandom experience for everyone, fans old and new. Sometimes it lands me in interesting places, like helping out over on the Inky News channel. The host, Brandon, invited me over to guest star on his anniversary stream yesterday, and in the past I've been fortunate enough to showcase my art on two of his interviews, one with Dave Rivas and one with Adrienne Kress. Sometimes it lands me on fun projects, like working on a fan game, and for the first time it's not as a voice actor! I'm a writer. I've had my work uplifted in turn too, meeting people who value me for me and also cheer me on when I try new things (sometimes entirely new mediums like doll customizing). I got my first helpful constructive critique in this fandom, and it was something I ASKED for. That is a huge personal milestone! I have a really complex and twisty set of feelings about critique, and finally, I feel better, because someone helped me start to unravel that just by being themselves and being thoughtful. It's inspired me to want to be better in how I handle critique and problem solving with others.

I spent so much of my life putting my self worth in other people's hands. I thought I would never be good enough to have friends who didn't treat me like garbage. I thought I'd never be a good artist in any sense of the word either. But I was wrong. I've grown. I'm valued, I'm wanted. I don't have to hide parts of myself to be desirable. Sometimes being the silly, goofy, fangirl that is Kat is enough. My art is enough, my ideas are enough, my flavor is tasty, and I am a goddamn treat. And after so many years of not knowing that, I'm glad I finally do. And it's all because of the people. It wasn't ever that my flavor was bad, it's that I hadn't found people with a taste for it yet. Bendy's greatest gift was giving me a fresh start, a chance to meet new people, good people, and for that, I'm forever grateful. Even though things have changed, I'm glad I met each and every one of you, you all taught me something valuable along the way, and I think about those experiences we shared often.

I won't lie to you, I've been rather frustrated with Bendy lately. And I think a lot of it has to do with the games not truly having grown with me. At some point our paths deviated, and there are elements of what's come and what's coming that are getting away from what really enticed me about the very first entry, the things I valued most in it. But in some ways, analyzing that has led me to figure out what made that first game so special. It was human. It was a character focused game, and each of the characters, while vague, gave us just enough about themselves that we could feel for them, get invested, imagine, maybe even sympathize. Everyone is a tragedy, but they're all different flavors of tragedy. And it was seeing people explore that, seeing people write these characters in ways that were so human, that really built a connection. For some people, Bendy is another indie horror experience. For others, it's something to indulge in that hits hard on a personal level. In many ways, it attracts a lot of us who feel like misfits. It's many things. But to me, the magic was in the people. The people in this universe, and the people in its real world community.

It has solidified my belief that people should play with fiction however they want, no matter how far it deviates from the canon, no matter how weird it is. Go be interpretive, go tell your story, go be free to make what speaks to you! (All I ask is that you're thoughtful about tagging it so people can make smart choices about engaging with it.) All stories are worth telling. Even if no one gets into it, having told it makes a difference.

Whether you're someone who's been there from the beginning, or someone that's new to Bendy, I hope you're all having fun. Whether you've finished exploring the world or you've just begun, I hope you've found something valuable. Thank you, for coming along for the ride. Here's to many more fun experiences and stories, be they official or be they in the fandom. Happy Bendyversary!

[drarrily-we-row-along]

Hello, I've been a big fan of your blog for at least three years now but I wanted to ask what you recommend to people thinking about posting their writing/art online?. I'm a poet and I really want to post my work online but I'm terrified for a number of reasons. Mainly, about not being able to grasp people's attention. (And my work being stolen/ reblogged w/ credit but yk). I love your work and would really like to get your opinion on this.

Hi there lovely!

Thanks so much for the ask, I'm genuinely honored to be sent an ask of this nature; I'll do my best to give you my thoughts on the subject. <3 (I got a little long-winded, I'm really passionate about this. tldr; sharing a piece of yourself in your writing is absolutely terrifying but you should do it anyway.)

When I first started posting my writing (7 years ago?!) in the Sherlock fandom, I was so afraid that people were going to be mean. Literally the only way I could start posting was by telling myself that if everyone hated it, I could just delete it and pretend it had never happened. And I was terrified when I started posting drarry stuff on this blog and I told myself that if even 10 people liked it, that would be enough (I couldn't have imagined how many people would engage with this blog and my fics). Over 350 stories (ranging from 50-100k words) later, I still regularly get nervous about posting things.

I don't know how to get people not to steal other peoples' work. I don't know how to stop ai bots from consuming writing/art and popping out soulless shit because of what it consumed. There are no answers that I can give you on this front.

And if I'm being honest, I don't have the foggiest clue how to grasp peoples' attention. The follows this blog gets and the posts that get attention continue to be a mystery to me; I can't ever guess which things will gain traction and which stories will go dark (and sometimes I get pissy about it- my fic on AO3 with the most kudos is a stupid 1k story that I wrote in 30 minutes while stories that I've spent literal years writing do half as well, but I digress). And there are stories that I see other people writing that I'm obsessed with- their prose, their imagery, their crafting- that don't receive anywhere near as much love as they should and I can't understand that either. It often seems like there is no rhyme or reason to what "does well" and what doesn't.

Which is why I can't let myself get caught up in which stories are well received and which aren't. For me, writing and sharing things can't be about what will get the most reach because I can't base the story's worth (or my own worth) off of that or I'd never post anything at all. Don't get me wrong, I love for my fics to receive kudos/likes, comments, and reblogs- it's a euphoric high. But in the end writing has been about giving myself permission to be free to be an entire person without the constraints I put on myself day in and day out. It's been about putting into words all of my darkness, my fears, my failings, my desires, my wants and needs along with all of my beauty, and strength, and joy, and hope. It's been putting my heart down on a page and believing that the response I receive is less important than the process of self discovery. Over and over, I've written myself the life I want to have; I've written the type of partner I want to have, the type of partner I want to be; I've written about healing and self discovery. Writing for me has been a way to fall in love with myself over and over again, to heal woundedness, to offer myself some hope, some comfort, a dose of encouragement and bravery, a little bit of tenderness when it was scarce.

Reading fanfiction when I was in my early twenties saved my life. I'm not saying this to be dramatic, it is actually true. Reading fanfiction saved me from an abusive relationship and helped to keep me from going back. Reading fanfiction taught me what it meant to be loved well and it changed my standards for myself forever. Part of my desire to pour back into this community stems from that. If there is even one person whose life can be touched in that way, who can realize how lovable they are, who can see how they deserve to be treated and loved, my time was well spent.

I'm not saying that has to be your reason for sharing the gift of yourself. We all write and create for different reasons. But I do believe that all humans were made to create and we were all made to share ourselves in what we make. Share your words for you. Share them as an act of rebellion. Share them as an act of war or change. Share them as a way to express the deepest emotions of your being. Share them because they are a part of your own soul. Share them as an act of self-love and a way of honoring the unrepeatable, beautiful person that you are. Whatever your reason for sharing your words, make it a reason that is about you. You deserve to be seen and loved, to be known in a way that can only happen when you give yourself permission to be vulnerable. There are, in my humble opinion, few things that bare your soul the way that sharing something you've created does. Love yourself enough to give yourself away.

[lindwurmkai]

Oh I forgot to mention this here but recently I actually figured out the reason why I sometimes have that seemingly bizarre reaction to other people's benign descriptions of their experiences where I get disproportionately annoyed just because my own experiences are different. (Idk if my post about that still exists; I suspect I may have deleted it)

It's just the tail end of a long chain reaction that started with regularly having my emotions and perceptions dismissed as a child. Later I would frequently describe my internal experiences to all kinds of people from friends to therapists, only to find no one understood what the hell I was talking about. That's why a large part of my time on social media has been spent desperately posting about these things over and over, hoping to find anyone who could relate - because I needed someone to confirm that it was possible for a human to have these experiences. Or I secretly wanted to be challenged so I could at least defend myself. I was already being attacked by my own subconscious after all, and an external opponent would have been easier to defeat.

Unfortunately, during many years of regular oversharing, the most common response I got was total silence though. Sometimes a friend would express sympathy or someone would say they could relate, only to immediately reveal they misinterpreted my words and meant a slightly different experience. It was extremely rare that I found someone who actually experienced the same thing.

This silence started to feel more and more hostile over time. "No one ever answers me when I ask for advice on here!" "I bet they all think I'm talking nonsense and they're just too polite to say it!" "Come at me already! Tell me why you think my experiences are fake or morally wrong!" "Stop ignoring me when I nonconfrontationally point out that my experiences don't match a common narrative; it's tempting me to do it again but in a confrontational tone this time!"

The only thing attacking me was my deeply ingrained mistrust of my own perceptions though. I didn't even consciously feel like I was doubting myself half the time, I was just preparing for battle with some theoretical person who would surely emerge from the woodworks any moment now, or if they didn't, well, then they were clearly a coward. 😐

Once this had happened a few times in relation to a specific subject, any mention of that subject that even alluded to a different experience than mine would remind me of the frustration of never getting a response. I would skip straight ahead to the anger I had eventually ended up feeling the previous times. "This shit again. I bet if I said something, I'd be ignored as usual."

(I'm sure it doesn't help that I used to have friends who would literally ignore me, in direct conversation, because they didn't feel like explaining why they were mad at me or thought a question I'd asked was stupid. My mother did that, too.)

Unfortunately this makes me sound like the villain in that "hi! Most annoying person you've ever met here" meme, but that's not how I usually address these things. I'll either make my own post or reblog with an addition along the lines of, "This is fascinating because I experience the exact opposite. Does it work that way for anyone else here??"

But because I don't get any responses, sometimes the silliest things turn into huge pet peeves very fast. Next thing I know I'm in the notes of every post about the subject that crosses my dash, searching for that one person who is expressing disagreement or confusion for the same reasons as mine. But I'm afraid even when I find one, and see that they're being ignored, it's still not much of a comfort. The need to have my perceptions confirmed as Real, Possible Human Experiences by just one person has suddenly morphed into the need to be acknowledged by those who feel differently.

Perhaps at that point it's about wanting permission to continue having that experience. Permission to exist. But I cannot stress enough how often the subject matter is something completely silly where morals shouldn't even enter the equation! And I'm thirty-six. I can't help but feel like I should be much more mature and well-adjusted by now. The way people my age sometimes talk about younger people can ironically set off this phenomenon as well because it makes me think I can't be a real person who exists if I relate more to the teenager being criticized than the person my age who's doing the criticising and making it about being young like that explains it.

Is it any wonder the form of dissociation I experience most often is depersonalisation? On reflection, no.

[1989xtaylorsversion]

nessa barrett's ep may surprise you (my album review)

so, nessa barrett released her debut ep... a while ago, but better late than never.

i really didn't know what to expect with this ep because tiktokers and music don't tend to mix. some influencers have done such a solid job of turning the music industry into a joke, so everyone was justifiably apprehensive.

also, when nessa was in a storm of controversy i vaguely remember her posting about how everyone would know her side of the story when she released her music. (see pic below)

well, we got the ep, but i'm not sure what "truth" she was trying to unleash. i learned nothing new about her. of course, we got a glimpse into her mental health, and that's important, but i thought she was gonna expose her little tiktok enemies or whatever. her and jaden were in a huge scandal with josh and mads, and i thought the ep would at least give a little mention of that. she vaguely and indirectly points a finger at the people who have wronged her, but i, as the listener, have learned nothing new. she should really take notes from taylor swift, the queen of lyrical shading. regardless, i put aside my feelings for nessa and her scandals and gave it a listen. spoiler alert - i didn't hate it. i actually enjoyed some of the songs. lemme explain...

1. pretty poison

sooo, the title track...

it's alright. it's definitely not my favorite and in my opinion, it's a grower. i had to listen to it a few times to tolerate it, and i've never voluntarily gone back and listened to it. honestly, i don't even remember what it sounds like, so i had to hear it again for the purpose of this post. it didn't make for the strongest start to the ep for these reasons, so i was scared to keep going. luckily, the rest weren't like this.

2. keep me afraid

i actually like this song... now.

once again, i didn't really love it at first, but i've grown to like it. it's catchy and i like the beat and its message.

3. i hope ur miserable until ur dead

remember when this song went viral on tiktok? more specifically, when the second verse went viral?

that's where i first heard it. i love this song lol. it's so petty, vengeful, and fun. it picks up after the second verse and it just keeps going. i'd love to know who it's about though, especially the second verse. tell us, nessa...

i love the last chorus because it's so catchy. good job, nessa. you made a bop.

4. grave

i first heard this song on tiktok too, and i really like it. it's sweet, and i think i read that this is her first love song. you can definitely apply it to anyone significant in your life, not just a boyfriend/girlfriend. it's my top 3 for sure.

5. scare myself

i had to listen to this a few times to like it, and i do now. i don't regularly listen to it, but i definitely changed my opinion from the first time i heard it. it's a relatable song, so she gets point for that.

6. i wanna die

i've listened to this song a few times and i literally can't remember how it goes. i had to hear it again in order to write the review, and i understand why it's so forgettable. in my opinion, it's not the most special song on the ep, so it kind of goes to the back of my brain. the chorus is kind of catchy, but it's still not enough to save it. maybe one day i'll like it, but for now it's a skip.

7. sincerely

this is a cute song. it's a nice way to end the ep, and i'm glad she's in a good place. regardless of how you feel about her, you shouldn't wish bad things on someone, so if she managed to find peace and solace, then good for her. i like the references to her previous songs in the first three lines. i love when artists do that; i think it's so clever. also, the voicemail from her mom at the end was a nice touch. i love when artists put voicemails or other personal touches to their songs because it just makes it more special. ariana grande does that a lot.

overall thoughts:

i think nessa's voice is actually really beautiful. i like her soft and peaceful voice. she isn't a bad singer by any means, and i think she can go far. just avoid scandals and bad decision making lol.

although the ep has some low points, i was pleasantly surprised with the end result. i think she made a solid effort, and it payed off well for her. since this is her first attempt, she has plenty of time to improve, and i'm sure she will. i don't know how other people feel about the ep, but i liked it. it's a win for tiktokers, i guess.

my rating: 7/10

the weakest songs: pretty poison, i wanna die, sincerely (it's cute, but it's like one minute. i can see why she chose this as the last track, but i never listen to it. good for her, though)

the strongest songs: keep me afraid, ihymuyd, grave, scare myself... so basically every other song.