#I'M READY TO PAY FOR THIS IDGAF I CAN'T WAIT TO EXPERIENCE THIS

[cookinary]

GOOD THING I HAD PLANNED TO ADAPT THE STORY OF MY FRIEND P TO WORK WITH THE DLC BECAUSE HOLY FUCK

[volunruud]

i don't have a great job or anything but i'm gonna turn 25 this year and i feel totally fine, meanwhile every other 2000 baby is freaking out cuz 25 is a "grown" age and it's making me freak out cuz of what others think then i remember idgaf what other ppl think but then i do but then i don't and then i do and then i don't and then the people in my life make me feel like shit for having a shit job and no degree and no motivation to do any other job but like. what the hell am i supposed to do? i will go back to college WHEN i'm ready, and i'm absolutely not ready rn and i don't want a management position bc i don't want the stress and pressure and responsibility. and then i remember people are dying CONSTANTLY CONSTANTLY CONSTANTLY :D and i'm just waiting for the next person to die, even if it is me but i really hope it's not bc i really wanna see who's gonna die next! but yeah i just hate that nobody is where i'm at mentally, i literally just wanna smoke weed and play viddy games and go to my job and watch movies. like i have literally no desire to work harder, nothing will motivate me to get a different job. and that's the thing about my job, is they have me trapped by decent enough pay + really sweet bennies (benefits) and i'm content, even if other people absolutely fucking hate what i do! but also, people hated when i was in college bc i was in my local community college. so back then, i used to say, "i go to this community college, for art." and EVERY single response was AAAALWAYS: "that's okay! community college is good too!" like what? i know that already. the only people who wouldn't say this exact response were fellow community college-goers. and nowadays i'm like, "hey, i work this job." and the response? "that's okay! a job is a job, you can work your way to management," like ??? what do you mean it's okay? i know it's okay. and i've been at this job almost four years, i've been offered management positions and turned it down. i DO NOT want that. it seems almost everyone in my family is in some sort of "management/financial/advisor/whatever the fuck" type of job position, how come no one is a teacher or firefighter anymore? or an astronaut? a chef? and anyways, everyone is always coming from a place of "i want better for you, i'm just worried" but what happens when i obtain this mystical "better job" and it makes me so fucking depressed and miserable and suicidal? my mental health is not great but it's definitely improved from years ago (i think partially bc what was draining me was interacting with other people, and having no control or script to handle this and now i only interact with ppl a short amount and almost every interaction is entirely scripted. it's still hard most days tho, it drains me still but it's manageable) and already, two of my cousins have perished by their own hands. so how many dead cousins is it gonna take for people to see that you can't just accept a life of misery? and that what makes you happy and secure will completely ruin someone else? yeah, sure. anyway, i was going to school for art/art history and during covid i dropped my classes (just bc i will not do online courses for art. i'm sorry but totally fuck that). and then i kept failing all my math courses, i was so burnt out and could not go on. i always said i would never go to college but i did, and just as i suspected, it was a horrible experience. and at this point a couple years later, i just have no interest in a career in art or art history. there is absolutely no career in those fields which i desire. i realize i'm only a hobby artist, i make the art i enjoy and that ONLY i enjoy. and i appreciate art in my own way. and then i think of other degrees and career fields, and i wither. i shrink. there is nothing :D