#I'M ALMOST AN ADULT AND MY PAST HAUNTS ME FOREVER

[narumitsu-is-life]

With Investigations being announced earlier I considered a return to this blog but I had like a 3 minute flashback of how I was like at the end of middle school/dawn of high school when I was last probably active on this blog like no I DO NOT MEAN the random reblogs I've been doing over the years I mean the ACTIVE era of this blog like when I had mutuals and answered asks and shit and I've never physically cringed so fast. I have genuinely debated saving the one au I love the most (robot miles my beloved) and just straight up NUKING this blog to move everything to a new sideblog or to my most commonly used one atm. Like oh my god I'm sorry for the me ya'll had to deal with.

anyway do y'all fw Starlight Express

[herd-reject-arts]

Update with the dog.

I will likely not be seeing an oncologist. They said, based on everything they have from my past vet visits, chemo (the best treatment) will buy her maybe 6 months. Meaning that prolonging her life will be selfish and entirely for me, and will also put me so severely in debt that I'd probably have to file for bankruptcy and move back in with my mother.

The other option (surgery, removal of most of her tongue) was not recommended both for the danger of her bleeding out and also the increased rate of metastasis when tumors of this type are fucked with. So with that option, I'd be dropping like $1500 just to make it spread faster.

Therefore, and horribly, the best option I have is to have her injected with Prednisone, one of 4 medicines she'd be getting if we went the chemo route, to deal with pain management and minor suppression of the lymphoma. Which means I have like 3 months left. It just seems the most humane, and least like something I'm doing for me and me alone.

I was initially so eager to start on chemo under the assumption that it worked like it does with people and you can go without new tumors forming for a long fucking time.

No such luck.

They told me lymphoma especially usually comes back (and worse) within a year of it going into remission. When it's on the tongue, it's a matter of months.

I tallied up the costs. It's $1200 to see the oncologist (a far cry from the $200 my vet told me it would be). She'd need a full blood work panel bi-weekly ($200, if I go through my vet), and the chemo itself is $500 every three weeks for 15 weeks. Meaning I'd be about $5000 in debt just from the vet. That's excluding the cost of travel and any extra meds she may need and changes to her diet, etc. I didn't ask what Prednisone costs. It doesn't really matter. At this point it's all about pain management, no matter what route I choose, because nothing is going to actually make her better. All I can do is make sure she's not in an ass load of pain until she is in an ass load of pain, and then I have to have her put down.

Going the Prednisone route will, therefore, almost certainly be what I choose.

I appreciate anyone who helped me with money to get her seen. This dog has been with me since before I was an adult and is one of two things I've ever actually loved, including my other dog (who died from cancer in October of last year). That I can't do anything for her will haunt me forever. That I couldn't do anything for my other dog never leaves my brain. I don't get attached to things or people or anything, but these dogs have been the only things that remind me I can be a normal ass person. And one is gone and the other's on her way out. And I don't know how to cope with that. Just. Thank you, to anyone who was kind enough to help a severely broken faggot with helping the only friend they had left.

[percsandwrecked]

Got a new tray for my medicines! (White sage/Blue Sage/ Cedar / local sweet grass)

I turn 30 this year. It's a big deal for most, but for me I feel extra unprepared for this transition. It hit me (like a proverbial truck) last night why I think that is.

When things were bad when I was a teenager, I suppressed the present moment and created a future of my own to look forward to. I would hold onto that vision like a life raft. There was only later, with little glimpses of "now". Throughout my 20's I lived through my trauma in real time with substances, still focused on a future but time became more trivial. I was going to be 21 forever. 22 forever. 23 forever. I fell into addictions like a hand in a glove- they fit so well. Genetically, my brain found the circle to its spot. Then at 26, for a span of 3 years, I was confronted with a health condition that demanded abrupt sobriety, the financial consequences of reckless 20's spending came, and I was back at home while a new infectious disease told everyone to go inside and stay there. I feel like these last few years were taken from me at gunpoint. It's dramatic, but that's what my heart tells me.

The pandemic came with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness that I no longer looked to the future longingly. Now I looked into the past, watching the tape loops like an old Olympian who broke a limb in later years. Those memories were never supposed to haunt me, they were supposed to uplift me when I needed a reminder of what I'm capable of.

I'm not ready for 30 because I never planned for it. I didn't think I would necessarily die before this age, I just never thought it would come, and in this way. All the dreaming I did when I was young was that of a juvenile escape to the bars, never to the life of an adult human.

This very vulnerable, almost childish voice comes to play when this reality sets in: "how do we do it without drugs, without drinking, without smoking, without going out all the time? How do we do it without that one person you still love deep down? Where do we get the happiness from?" The voice is frantic because it genuinely doesn't know.

It's my adult voice, with the help of my spirit guides that answer: "What if there's a new version of happiness you haven't stumbled on yet? Without smokes without drugs without drinking without them? We're gonna find that happiness. We're gonna carve it into our story brand new. It won't be the same but it'll be good. It won't feel the same, it'll be different."

The universe has been clear in its intentions but I'm finally understanding the signs: 30 is the beginning of new love, new happiness, and most importantly, living right here and right now."

Shout out to my friend Liz for the new tray.

[cerriddwenluna]

writer asks: 16, 24, & 25 :p

*cracks knuckles* Alright, lets do this! <3

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of (yes, I'm switching them round cause this deserves to be above the cut ;))

It's an excerpt from my very first published fic Wild Rose, which is still the most honest and raw fiction I have ever written (Note: This is NOT talking about Kurt or Blaine, I could never kill my darlings ;))

“It is going to take time. It has only been a few weeks since our world got turned upside down. We are going to cry and scream and shout and want to break things and not get out of bed some days. And we will let ourselves take that time to grieve the loss of such a vital part of ourselves. We will feel it all, and then, in time, we will learn to deal. We will keep living. We will grieve and grow and miss you forever, but we will live.”

16) are there any characters who haunt you?

Rachel fucking Berry. That damn girl represents every single bully that ever made my life a living hell and I really, really wish I could just despise her but she is so goddamn useful that she somehow keeps sneaking her way into almost everything I write, and not even as a villain... -.-

24) have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story?

The answer is under the cut 'cause I get semi graphic and long winded in the second part because I don't do taboo subjects. You enter at your own risk lol

The irony (yes, I know this is not the definition of that word. Blame Alanis Morissette.) of you asking me this after we spent way too long google streetviewing the highway between Scarsdale and Bushwick yesterday, just to see what the toll gate looked like, is not lost on me. Especially not considering I then went off and followed that entire route past the plethora of graveyards into Bushwick proper and tried in vain to find any building that looked like it could hold the Loft, while you were off actually being a 'sponsible adult xD

But for a serious answer, I research everything I can (even if it is really not necessary), but the most revelatory one was butt sex. As a cis woman who has no practical experience with gay butt sex, I went off into the deep end, and to my great surprise I discovered that the whole concept of 'stretching' as portrayed in some fiction is actually quite unnecessary. Imagine you are massively constipated and you are passing a truly ginormous log. Would you stretch out your anal muscles first? No! The way these muscles are designed means that they can relax and contract as and when necessary (i.e. pooping), which means that the whole 'stretching' is really quite obsolete. A thing that can be necessary, especially when dealing with a partner with limited anal experience, is to get them comfortable and relaxed which in turn means the muscles will give way easier. Despite the pleasure points located in the rectum and anal passage, it is not actually designed for things to be shoved up there, so it is completely normal to need a period of adjustment, just like with any other muscle group that is having to perform in a way they are not used to. So what actually happens when the receiving partner gets 'stretched' is that the muscles are being given an intrusion to respond to, and they will tighten when tense, but loosen when relax. An experienced bottoming partner's muscles will give way much easier because the body has learned it to be a pleasant experience, but someone who is relatively new to anal sex (or someone who is just really tense) would need to learn to relax around the intrusion. And the way to do that is not by scissoring your fingers to force the muscles apart (nevermind the strength you'd need in your fingers for that), but by making sure your partner is relaxed and comfortable. Just sticking a finger in there and gently moving it back and forth will do just fine. Also, you don't need your whole hand up there to reach the prostate, honestly. Note: You're usually better off building up to full penetration when inexperienced, especially when your partner has a massive schlong like so many fics write either Kurt or Blaine, or both, as having. It is never supposed to hurt! Note 2: I feel this might be a bit redundant too, but LUBE IS OUR FRIEND! And more importantly: SPIT IS NOT GOOD LUBE! Just to cover my own ass here, I don't actually claim to be an expert on this. Yes, there are always exceptions, there is no one size fits all, yadda yadda yadda :P

tl;dr... Butt sex, my friends. Butt sex. Oh, and also anal/penile sex toys and gay male sex positions, for funsies.

[serenxtyinsxlence]

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐍

———  BASICS! ♡

(PEN)NAME: M/Miranda

PRONOUNS: She/Her

ZODIAC SIGN: Scorpio

TAKEN OR SINGLE: Single

———  THREE  FACTS! ♡

1 - I love drawing, though sometimes my focus with W.I.P pieces falls off until I remember they exist and I eventually pick them back up!

2 - I own a haunted doll that I bought from a pawn shop and I've owned her for almost 5 years now

3 - I have two identical cats from the same litter (My little copy and pastes <3) and a Weimer mix dog with the personality of a husky

———  EXPERIENCE! ♡

PLATFORMS USED: Tumblr, Discord, Skype (Forever ago!), uhh... There's probably one more I'm forgetting

PLOTTING / WINGING IT / MEMES: Mostly a wing it and meme kind of person? Mostly because I feel like I'm not very good at plotting or my ideas are silly. But I can definitely give it my best try if someone is more interesting in plotting things!

———  MUSE  PREFERENCE! ♡

GENDER: Assuming this is talking about written muses?? Maybe?? Mostly female muses

MULTI OR SINGLE: Multi, but each one kinda has their own thing

LEAST FAVOURITE FACECLAIM(S): Don't think I have one really! Unless you count like under aged FC being used for adult FC, then that's a no go.

———  FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! ♡  

FLUFF: I love it, adore it, in all shapes and forms! All the warm and fuzzy feels

ANGST: This is hit and miss for me based on my mood! However, I don't really mind it! As long as it doesn't go, too, deep into the deep dark side without being discussed first, or at the very least given a warning a head of time!

SMUT: This one I am funny about! I don't mind writing it as long as it's with someone my muses trust and are close with, not just going to go out all willy nilly with it, however I don't like to write it publicly due to the fact that I am very self conscious about my writing with those topics, and a few other personal reason of things that have happened in the past!

Yoinked by: Most of my dash at this point!

Tagging: Anyone who hasn't done so already!

[boldlyvoid]

Intro and masterlist

✨about me ✨

this is a mature blog, I trust all minors to be responsible and avoid everything marked NSFW!

NSFW sideblog: @pervstash-spencer

Hi! my name is emily, I'm 23 she/they

Capricorn, bisexual, non-binary, autistic, and I have fibromyalgia ✌🏻 overall just a fun time y'know.

ao3

i love: supernatural, star trek, marvel movies, criminal minds, this is us and grey's anatomy !!

Accepting requests for Spencer Reid x Reader fics currently

all my tags are listed below if you want to see other posts about said fics, also here is my Spotify for the fics <3

Dad!spencer Masterlist

First times Masterlist**

all links to my fics below the cut!

Updated: July 28th, 2021

** for smut

~~ for angst

Spencer Reid x Reader fics

Hypothetically**~ Ao3 | Tumblr -- 27 chapters, complete. 89k

reader and Spencer were friends in kindergarten, she watched him grow up and explore the world while she was still trying to catch up to him. now that they work together, they fall in love incredibly fast.

friends to lovers, case of the week style story

touch me**~ Ao3 | Tumblr 5.8k

Spencer is incredibly touch-starved and hard on himself since coming home from prison. Luckily, the medical examiner in this small town is really good at reading people, and exactly what he needs.

amethyst you so much P1 Ao3 | Tumblr 6.4k

Spencer has had a crush on Y/N since she started working at the bau. She only ever works the night shift after a case, handling all the aftermath gracefully. one night, Spencer stays back and they strike up a conversation about rocks, causing their feelings to dig a little deeper.

of quartz i will P2** Ao3 | Tumblr 6K

after 2 years of dating, Spencer decides it's finally time to get Y/N something to match her Amethyst bracelet.

Amoreena**~ Ao3 | Tumblr Completed 83k

Heaven is a real place and it's located exactly 14.6 miles away from the FBI, Quantico Headquarters. Off behind a small park, under a fantastical willow tree surrounded by wildflowers, in every colour young minds can imagine.

Don't forget, heaven also comes with angels.

Seven* Tumblr WIP

Summary: Spencer’s been married to Y/N for 7 years now, they have 7 children together and each one is going through something different. Spencer’s always wanted to be the best dad, now he gets to figure out how to be.

the guy at the rock show Ao3 | Tumblr 5.6K

Y/N lost their parents when they were 17, finding a new home and solace in Penelope Garcia and taking the Garcia name. They're the top forensic specialist in D.C, in a band and they drive a motorcycle... not to mention they are madly in love with the cute doctor who works with their sister.

journey to Camelot** Ao3 | Tumblr 3.8K

When Penelope introduces Spencer to online games, he expects to be spending his nights alone. Yet, somehow every time he comes back from a bad case, he logs on to chat with the ever so lovely user FairlyGwen and getting a lot more than just a helpful tip from her.

Exploration** Ao3 | Tumblr 4.7K

request: season1/2 spencer walking in on reader while she's watching porn in their shared hotel room

Expedition** Tumblr 1.2K

Summary: there's a first time for everything... including joining the mile high club with your boyfriend on the work jet.

10 Days Ao3 | Tumblr 1.4K

it's spencer's first father's day and he's extremely emotional about the little love of his life that he's only just met. he spends the day with his baby, Edwin, and his wife, crying and happy about how wonderful new little lives are.

ain't it fun?** Ao3 | Tumblr Masterlist 11K

reader just needs an NA meeting before they have a meltdown, they end up with the best friend they could ever make.

I'm not kidding!** Tumblr 6K

Spencer keeps getting little notes from a secret admirer, they're nice and sweet at first as they tease him with their crush until she's sending him notes about all the dirty things she wants to do to him

Perfect Timing** Tumblr 1K

spencer and reader have been spending the last month together in the same hotel room during a pretty brutal case. tension has been rising and she's completely in love with him.

what happens when they both think the other won't be back for a while and they want to shower?

Redamancy** Tumblr 5.4K

the co-op librarian at the FBI Academy has been secretly crushing on the smartest agent in the Bureau, TA, Doctor Spencer Reid, and he's been crushing on her too.

Being Neighbourly** Tumblr 1.9K

Request: reader is Spencers neighbour and she can hear him masturbating every night that he's home how do you have her deal with that?

Professional Hair Dresser (Ph.D)** Tumblr 6.4K

summary: after Spencer's knee injury, he starts visiting a salon every week to get his hair washed

36 Questions to Fall in Love Tumblr 8K

Summary: When Derek bets Spencer that he cant make someone fall in love with him in a week, he doesn’t expect Spencer to marry the girl the next day

New Romantics** Tumblr 23k

Summary: She needs help studying for her Case Exercises at the Academy, He needs a date for the annual Banquet... they just so happen to be neighbours who aren't afraid to lend a helping hand, or in this case, a helping kiss.

Million Dollar Man** | Tumblr WIP 5k so far

summary: Spencer's therapist recommended he branch out and meet new people who don't want to talk about his work... she didn't expect him to sign up for a Sugar Daddy website.

Sugar, Honey, Ice Tea** | Y/N version | 1-4, 5-9, Epilogue 25.6k

Summary: Fix-it-fic: Dr. Y/L/N and Savannah Hayes have been best friends since their medical internship at Bethesda General. When she receives a frantic call that Derek's best friend is being transferred to the prison she works at, an unlikely friendship bubbles.

Eventually falling head over heels for the innocent man.

Warnings: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Prison, Prison Violence, Assault, Blood, Depression, Murder, Self-Hatred, Hurt Spencer Reid, Canon-Typical Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Drug Addiction, References to Drugs, Drug Use, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Romantic Tension, Forbidden Love, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Strangers to Lovers, Requited Love, Falling In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Eventual Smut, past abusive relationship, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault

Spencer x Ethan

Ruin it.** Tumblr 5.4K

Summary: Spencer never had sleepovers as a kid, so now that he's an adult he's always sleeping over at Ethan's house, ad he'll take any excuse to crawl into bed beside him.

Warnings: mutual pining, love concessions, blowjobs, handjobs, anal sex (both top and bottom spencer in this), childhood friends to lovers

400 Celebration fics

Reid Me Tumblr 2.5K

Spencer has noticed a beautiful woman at a spirituality booth at the farmers market every Saturday for almost a whole year now. he finally asks her to give him a reading.

mystery of love Tumblr 700

Spencer surprises his wife with a trip to Italy.

Spy Kids Tumblr 900

Spencer and Y/N's kids think that they are secretly spies and request a mission story before bed.

a father's greatest weakness Tumblr 1K

Princess Y/N is betrothed to the Viking king in an effort by her father to keep the peace between their countries, he doesn't expect her to join in the fight to free Scottland.

Luke x Reader

Best Dad Ever 2.8K

Request: angst with a happy ending, reader and luke have been divorced for a few years but have a child, she tries and tries to fall out of love with him but he's around so often that she can't

Spencer x OC

Sugar Honey Ice Tea** Ao3 | WIP 9/10 chapters complete 25.6K

Fix-it-fic: Dr. Beth Pattinson and Savannah Hayes have been best friends since their medical internship at Bethesda General. When she receives a frantic call that Derek's best friend is being transferred to the prison she works at, an unlikely friendship bubbles.

Eventually falling head over heels for the innocent man.

Intro to Criminal Minds: Why They Did It Ao3 | Tumblr WIP 6K+

Spencer is teaching a 7-week seminar on the most interesting criminal cases, explaining their actions to understand why they took place. Only, not everyone in the audience is a student.

Criminal Minds x Mindhunter AU

Spencer x OC Peggy Carr

Franklin x Reader

Voulez-Vouz** | 3.2k

Summary: in a small town, everyone knows each other… or at least they think they do.

Warnings: porn with plot, smut, Dom reader, Sub!Perv!franklin, making out, teasing, face sitting, oral (female and male), hand jobs, overstimulation, prostate message, multiple orgasms, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, let me know if I forgot anything.

Chip x Reader

forever is the sweetest con** | 6.2K

Summary: Reader’s dad is a carpenter; sometimes he takes on apprentices and sometimes, if they’re lucky, they get his daughter’s number at the end of their training. Chip Taylor, however, hits the jackpot when her father invites him over for one of her homecooked meals.

Warnings: reader’s mom passed away, mentions of parental death, strangers to lovers, random acts of kindness, mutual pining, falling in love, steamy make-outs, oral sex (male and female receiving), fingering, penetrative sex, unprotected sex, creampie, dirty talk, sub!chip, food mentions, praise, love confessions.

Raymond x Reader

Alone Together ** | 2.4K

Summary: Raymond moves into a haunted house and ends up sleeping with the ghost who lives there... only he doesn't know that when you fuck a ghost you also become one.

Warnings: details of suicide and murder, blowjobs, pegging, bottom!raymond, top!reader, becoming a ghost, major character death.

Star Trek Masterlist

Star Wars fix it fic

Supernatural masterlist

thanks for all the love, as always,

-Emily <3

[flwrsuh]

choi beomgyu — cardigan

pairing ; beomgyu x gn!reader

warnings ; implied self-harm at one part, mention of scars, but nothing graphic depicted !

a/n ; this is part of my idols as taylor swift song series ! let me know who and what song i should do next ! <33

— not proofread!

❝ i knew you, dancin' in your levi's, drunk under a streetlight, i knew you, hand under my sweatshirt, baby, kiss it better ❞

the two of you were inseparable, the kind of relationship everybody wanted, the kind people dreamt about being lucky enough to have someday. it was the kind of young love depicted in young adult movies, the kind of love that felt like summer and left you with a taste of nostalgia. the type of love so pure and exciting, bound to break your heart, but all so worth it.

❝ and when i felt like an old cardigan under someone's bed, you put me on and said i was your favorite ❞

he always had a way of making you feel so special. the look in his eyes so full of love, it was unmistakable. you had never had many friends, that lonely feeling consuming you and following you around like a shadow, day by day. until him, you had never known closeness, you had never been accepted for all of you, the beautiful and the ugly. the way he would throw his head back laughing at a simple joke of yours, the way he would pull you in for a hug whenever his eyes landed on you, it was all a dream come true.

❝ i knew you playing hide and seek and giving me your weekends, i knew you heartbeat on the high rise, once in 20 lifetimes ❞

the two of you spent all your free time together, shutting out the world surrounding you. he made you feel unstoppable; like you could do anything. he was the feeling of butterflies fluttering in your stomach. he was your racing heart while you ran from the cops. he was pure adrenaline, addicting and lovely until the last second it lingered in your veins. you found yourself craving him, always needing to be in his presence to feel whole.

❝ to kiss in cars and downtown bars was all we needed, you drew stars around my scars and now i'm bleeding ❞

he always adored every inch of you. it was a completely new and overwhelming feeling; being loved so much it hurt. he used to doodle on your scarred arms and thighs, just to show you that your body was beautiful, despite all of the pain displayed on your skin. to him, your body was an art piece, stunning and unique, and it was all for him.

❝ cause i knew you, leaving on the last train, marked me like a blood stain, i knew you, tried to change the ending, peter losing wendy❞

all of the memories of him seemed so far away now, almost as if they never happened; like he wasn't real. he had left with no real goodbye. you had heard from others that he had departed on the last train out of town, leaving you alone once again. the days seemed to drag on without him; almost like a withdrawal, you were addicted and needed to relearn life without him.

❝ i knew you, leaving like a father, running like water, and when you are young, they assume you know nothing ❞

he had left so suddenly, almost as if something had happened to make him forget all of the beautiful moments the two of you shared over so many months. how could he not remember when the thoughts of him would forever be replayed in your mind on a heartbreaking loop? he left like you had meant nothing, and that had proven to be the hardest pill to swallow.

❝ cause i knew you'd linger like a tattooed kiss, i knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs, the smell of smoke would hang around this long, cause i knew everything when i was young ❞

it had always been clear to you that he was unforgettable. you’d spend months after his disappearance imagining what it would be like if he returned back to you. it was all you could ever hope for and more; the only thing that kept you going through all the sorrow he had caused. trying to forget him was like pretending like you had never seen color, knowing your past was only vibrancy.

❝ i knew i'd curse you for the longest time, chasing shadows in the grocery line, i knew you'd miss me when the thrill expired ❞

you saw him down every hall, around every corner, the essence of him inescapable. everywhere you turned, you were met with memories of your lost love. the old grocery store you used to sit in the parking lot of, just listening to your favorite songs and enjoying each other's company; the tree in the park you sat under, head in his lap as his perfect lips read softly to you, his voice smooth as honey and silk. he was the most beautiful part of being alive, and without him, it was dull and grey. you resented him for leaving you. why would he let you admire his presence for so long only to rip it away when he grew tired of it all?

❝ and i knew you'd be standin' in my front porch light, and i knew you'd come back to me, and you'd come back to me ❞

a part of you always knew, or hoped, rather, that he would be back for you. you wanted him to miss you the way you missed him, to hurt the way you did all this time. you wondered if you would forgive him if he ever returned, but deep down, you know you could never resist him. so when you heard the familiar sound of his three small knocks on your front door, opening it to see the tall brunette standing on your front porch, you couldn't help but throw yourself into his arms, taking in the scent that had been long washed from the old cardigan he had left you.

“i’ve missed you.”

❝ and when i felt like an old cardigan under someone's bed, you put me on and told me i was your favorite ❞

[thefanficmonster]

I'm so happy you like the idea! Your first three words are: Rattle, Candlelight and Corset.

Oh this is gonna be interesting 🤭

Regretting

Pairing: Chris Redfield x Female OC (taken in by the Winters family as a daughter of theirs basically)

Warnings: Swearing (No Spoilers for any games don’t worry😊)

Genre: Romance, Fluff

Enjoy the mess my brain’s produced. Love, Vy ❤

“I have several questions surrounding this bullshit event!“ Gwen shouts from inside her room where she’s been getting ready for the past hour with the Captains of the BSAA keeping a watchful eye outside her door, making sure she doesn’t get any ideas of running away.

“I have as many as you do, trust me on that one.“ He replies, readjusting his tie. He hasn’t found himself in a three-piece-suit in a long time, all’s been soldier get-ups, bulletproof wests and combat boots. Truth be told, it’s not that he doesn’t want to dress nicely, he’s just rarely had any occasions worth dressing up for. Lord knows he’d be at home in this very moment, seated on the couch with a cold beer bottle in his hand. So to make the truth truer - he actively avoids places and events that would require him dressing up. It’s simply a hassle in and of itself, but dealing with the people at the even - that’s what he’s most bothered by.

“You cannot expect me to believe that’s the truth!“ Gwen shouts again, the sound of shuffling accompanying her voice. 

“Leon said it was important, Jill backed him up and you know I rarely get a say when the two of them partner up to support one another.“ Chris says, sighing while reaching for a cigarette before withdrawing his hand, remembering he didn’t take his pack with him on purpose. Claire says he needs to break the habit little by little so, in order to give her peace of mind, he does try whenever she’s looking. However, when she turns away, he’s quick to light a cig, almost as quick as a dying man getting connected to life support.

“You, Leon and I have very different definitions of the word ‘important’.“ She sasses back, her voice now being the only sound coming from the room which is a sign Chris cannot decide the meaning of - is she almost done? Is she starting over with everything? Either way, he doesn’t mind. Running late to the gala the mayor’s throwing is not particularly bothering him, he actually prefers it.

What’s been bothering him is the fact that he’s found himself impatient of something else. Impatient of seeing her - not that he’d ever admit it. Him and Gwen have been friends for quite some time. Well, they did get off on the wrong foot, but were quick to arrange a relationship alike a friendship and function without wanting to gauge each other’s eyes out. Somewhere along the lines they became actual friends without even noticing.

Gwen Winters had every right to be suspicious of Captain Chris Redfield. Not that she was always wary of him or anything - seeing as how him and her ‘parents’ are friends, she never thought twice about the guy. However, when she expressed interest in joining the BSAA and earned herself a scoff from him, she was rather pissed. Being the main chemistry project of an asshole with a saving-the-world complex back in Raccoon City, it’s safe to say she got some above average strength to her name. And that’s putting it mildly. Being rescued from that lab by Leon and getting taken in by the Winters family, she’s developed her own hero complex, the need to save those who can’t save themselves always dwelling within her.

And so, despite the amusement Chris showed when she brought up the idea, she became a BSAA soldier. 

“I think we established that on your very first mission, soldier.“ Chris chuckles, recalling that first mission he was so opposed to, mostly because Gwen was tagging along at her request and the allowance of Leon. He was very fucking afraid they’d have to carry her dead body out of there but the action was quick to turn the tables on him - having Gwen save his life more than once. What surprised him most though was her humbleness about it. She didn’t rub it in or nag him about having proved her point. She was just glad they had all made it out in one piece and that struck him with a whole new intensity. Almost like a wake up call.

The door beside him suddenly swings open, causing him to abruptly straighten up from his leaning position, shooting a look at the doorway from which emerges Gwen. Or at least he believes it’s her. Had he not known she was the only other person in the house at the moment, or had he seen her passing by on the street he wouldn’t have recognized her.

And he’d have every right not to: this must be the first time she has worn a dress since prom - if she even wore one then - and the same probably applies for the make-up she’s put on. It’s not much or anything, in fact the only reason he’s noticed it is because he’s so used to seeing her make-up-free face. So much so, he’d recognize even a drop of foundation if she applied it. And oh boy, is he whipped by the sight. He can lie all he wants and to whoever he wants to, but he cannot lie to himself. Especially not when his jaw has fallen to the floor, his eyes have grown wide and his heartbeat has picked up noticeably.

If Ethan could hear at least half of what Chris is thinking at the moment, he’d be as good as banned from the Winters home forever.

When Gwen’s eyes meet her Captain’s, she can’t help but smirk, “What is it, Cap? I exchange the bulletproof vest for a corset and you suddenly don’t recognize me?” She asks, raising a teasing eyebrow.

He knows it’s wrong, for so many reasons: He’s her captain, she’s his soldier; She’s an adult but he’s still significantly older than her; She’s the ‘daughter’ of a friend of his, to make matters even worse - It’s so wrong yet he can’t get the thought out of his head. It’s not just now, it’s something he’s been struggling with for quite some time. He’s constantly haunted by her: the sound of her laughter, her smile, that focused frown that appears every time she is looking at a map or a new case, analyzing its every detail, the twinkle in her eyes whenever she gets told she’ll be going on a mission and that same sparkle growing brighter when she returns from it having successfully completed it.

It’s all overwhelming, and in the nicest, wrongest way possible.

“Honestly, Winters, seeing such a shift does rattle a person. Especially when I haven’t seen you out of a soldier’s uniform for years now.“ He comments, his eyes traveling up and down her body on their own accord, despite his best attempts at keeping his gaze on her face.

She laughs, “Can’t really go to training in a dress and high heels, you know. If I had more opportunities, the dresses in my closet wouldn’t be covered in spiderwebs.“

“Duly noted.“ He smirks, offering the young lady his hand as he leads her down the stairs, “I could help you out with that.“

She frowns, pausing mid-step, “Oh no, no, no no. If what you have in mind is a bunch of charity events, you better get that thought out of your head. A bunch of rich assholes drinking champagne, really not my scene.”

Chris chuckles offering her his arm as they walk out the front door to where he parked his car upon arriving at the Winters home, running into Ethan, Mia and their five year old daughter, about to head out for the night. He won’t complain about the lecturing he received, he deserved it after all. It’s a miracle the two even agreed to let Gwen accompany him, not that they could stop her either way seeing as how she’s an adult woman who’s more than capable of making her own decisions.

“No, no, I know you hate those events. I do too.“ He says, oddly timidly as the two get seated in the car. “I was thinking more along the lines of...“ He contemplates how to say it without making the rest of this night awkward, or mess things up with Gwen in any way. She means a lot to him and he’d hate to lose her over his complicated feelings he wishes he could control. “Dinner under candlelight, maybe?“

He’s as stiff as a boulder, tense and expecting something, anything. Literally anything, even outright rejection would be better than silence. Regardless of her answer, he’s gonna regret this move later when Ethan hears about it and goes to kick his ass.

Out of the corner of his eye, he catches the slight shake of her head, a blush evidently appearing on her cheeks, visible even in the dim light in the car. A small smile graces he features as her hand travels to his which is nervously resting on the gear shift. “Sure, I’d like that.” She says, her smile growing wider.

There’s that same twinkle - the sparkle in the eyes of a soldier willing to fight for the greater good, putting everyone above herself. And, on his hierarchy, she’s number one.

“I’m glad.“

Chris Redfield has regretted many things in his life and will probably regret even more in the future. However, he was a fool to think he’d regret this decision - one look at Gwen’s eyes and all regret was erased. All ass-kicking he might receive for it seems more than worth it, looking at it from the perspective of this very moment.

Then again, Captain Chris Redfield has never been a stranger to a little ass-kicking.

Thank you so much, Anon for this super fun challenge! I hope to receive more three words to turn into fics cause I really enjoyed this experience 🥰

[skzluvs]

Phobia; Han jisung

Genre: angst, fluff (if you squint)

Warnings: mention of nightmares

Word count: 1.8k

A/N: Hi! I’m back from my hiatus with another angst fic inspired by the drama it’s okay to not be okay combined with a little bit of phobia I hope you guys like it!

The girl who fed on nightmares

there was a girl who woke up every night by the nightmares, demons that haunted her dreams. She was twisted inside, held back by the painful memories of her past.

panting breath, irregular heartbeat, a cold sweat dripping from her forehand. she opened her eyes to meet with the darkness of her room. Terror washed over her. frightened.

"it's just another nightmare" she said trying to calm down the thoughts that were messing up her already deranged head.

a familiar setup, you might think she grew accustomed to the feeling after the third night but that's was not true the lingering feeling of numbness grew by the time she realized there was no escape from the chains that still cuffed her up.

the morning came earlier, with very few hours of sleep, she got up and got ready for work. the days turned into a monotone.

she arrived to bookstore, pure silence made her mind feel content. A moment of peace in the torrential rain.

"excuse me" a soft voice called her, almost as quiet as a whisper that's being shared between lovers.

she looked up to meet with a boy, with black hair and a mischievous smile, he looked cheerful with an undeniable strong aura that surrounded his slender figure, definitely not the type you would see in a library at 8am in the morning.

"yes" she replied politely to the boy who carried a handful on books on his arms.

"i want to check all of these out please" he placed the books on the counter.

As she took a look at the pile, she got intrigued by the peculiar selection.

children books.

but not the kind that you read to a child unless you want them to have nightmares, and she knew damn well about that.

"you like this gruesome stuff ?" she was never the kind to question other people's interests but for some strange motive she wanted to know.

" it's a children's book how can you call this masterpiece gruesome" the boy seemed rather offended by her words.

" the pictures make me want to cry my eyes out and I'm an adult, there's no way this book was targeted for such audience" she said

" it seems like you know nothing about this books not the author , therefore I won't be engaging in a discussion, you can continue to be ignorant later just let me borrow them so I can go" he said annoyed, taping with his finger on top of the dusty cover.

The girl refused to give out response and rather continued to do her job. she sure didn't get paid enough for that.

"here" she said handing him the books along with the returning slip. "you have 2 weeks to return them unless you want more time come before the deadline to extend the borrowing period"

"thank you" he left not sparing to look at her for the last time before exiting through the door.

the browned eyed boy who just happened to be named han jisung, she found out his name through his library card. Was all she could think about, not because she was interested, but because of the of his actions. Usually she evaded social situations, she found people not worth of her time, but there was something about that boy that made her wanted to crush him like a fragile butterfly with broken wings.

another meaningless night, it was tiring to get emptied out like that. Every time she closed her fears shaped into a reality. she was stuck with the phobia.

days passed by, a body that walks through the streets without a soul. There was nothing she wanted nothing she desired more but to fall asleep. So she lived her life longing for that moment.

going through the bookshelves placing them correctly by alphabetical order. A pair of eyes stuck to the back of her head.

a boy who watched her carefully from the other side of the room, and he probably thought he was being precautious, but she knew she was being observed.

Jisung. Who came everyday just to sit as far back from the main entrance as possible, hiding in a corner reading the books he so much loved. After the first encounter with the girl he could no longer sleep the same way. His thoughts circled around her small frame and the sound of her broken voice.

there was this thing about her, he called it despondency and he was drowned right into it. like the tales had taken over a human form.

by the end of the two weeks he stood there fidgeting, over the course of the last couple of days his little instigating got him nowhere. She repeated a daily routine, there was nothing to analyze in her vague movements and worn out expressions. However he knew she hides more than the human eye can perceive behind that weary facade.

The moment she clocked out he followed her outside.

"why are you following me" the girl stopped her tracks and made a spin over her ankles, just to meet with him.

"I needed to ask you something" He said rather shy. all the courage he build up over the weeks disappearing at the strong gaze that confronted him.

"I'm not obligated to respond, do me a favor and get lost" She turned around and continued to walk.

It was an expected reply exactly what made jisung decide it was better to come up with a different plan.

every day he would put a book of his collection on top of her desk hoping she would get interested enough to read it.

but instead she would just eye the cover and place it back to its shelf.

Not until one day she meet to something different, the book had a folded edge, opening the page carefully, her fingers ghosting over the words printed on the glossy paper.

"bad memories from the past that he wanted to erase from his head"

"were replayed in his dreams every night"

"and haunted him nonstop"

"the boy was terrified of falling asleep"

a creeping feeling went down her spine, and her trembling hands made the book fall. Her own monsters greeted her with a grin. Collapsing with the wooden floor.

jisung got petrified by the loud sound. He hurried his way to find the girl unconscious on the ground. it was all his fault.

a disturbing sound came from her mouth. She woke up in an oddly unfamiliar house. Her body covered by a thin blanket, the walls were closing like the screams that got caught up in her throat.

jisung who was downstairs making dinner ran through the stairs and opened the door alarmed at the high pitched noises.

"Are you okay?" He exclaimed trying to recover his breath.

"what am I doing here? where am i ?" she asked not trying to panic even more. She felt so dizzy the room kept on spinning.

"you're at my house, you passed out at the library" He said scratching the nape of his neck with guiltiness.

"I remember now, this was your deed, you and your stupid nauseating books" by the looks of it she had been gone for a while. Not to mention the longer she was in a slumber the longer the suffering.

"not my fault you got scared by a book for 5 year olds" He said shrugging, with an unprovoked expression.

"And you dared to call me an ignorant" she deadpanned.

"Do you fear anything?" He asked out of the blue.

what is the real meaning behind fear?. Fear is tangible. Is the anxiety, the desperation to run away and hide forever where they can't find you, it means to want to stab your eyes with a safety pin to blind the pain. Is the captivity of oneself.

"You're scared of yourself aren't you?" it no longer sounded like a question but more like an affirmation.

he had figured you out in no time. You couldn't let them see the vulnerable side, not to anyone and most definitely not this stranger.

"You said it yourself you know nothing so leave alone before it's too late" She threatened.

"Anyways I'm sorry for being so persistent, never intended to make you feel uncomfortable, I'll be downstairs if you need me, dinner is ready if you want to come and have something to eat before you leave" He knew it was better not to push it if he wanted answers.

But why was he so desperate to understand the world inside her head ?

Jisung felt the loneliness of her being. He came up to the conclusion that he wanted to be the person who brought the girl back to life.

After some time he grew a step closer to her, not to the point she would stop pushing him away but at least his efforts had made a very insignificant change.

She would let him read the books to her once in a while, she fed into the words, relating to every single one of them. But things were still the same at night, she would break down to the horrifying sight.

"Jisung why are you still here ?" she asked him unable to understand why the boy remained by her side even when she treated him like a piece of trash.

"Because im trapped under your spell" he confessed.

"You’re e going to end up in so much pain" she said looking into his eyes.

"You can't go to heaven before crossing the flames of hell" He responded with certainty. “ and If I have to burn I rather do it while still holding you”

"Would you still like me if you knew the kind of monster I am, not the one you read in books but the kind that hides behind a mask and transforms at night"

" I would still like you if you were the devil himself"

" The devil wont tear your soul apart like I would trust me" She knew she would drive him into despair. But she had warned him multiple times, from here she no longer take accountability, he would meet fear. She would make sure of that.

I'm stuck with the phobia although I want to stay with you I'm scared that you might disappear in between the shadows. How can I hold you when I was made to destroy you.

there was a girl whose world was a pitch black hole and her insides were dark and twisted, and a boy who fell in love with her repulsiveness swore to never leave her, but her darkness overshadowed the fugacious happiness of a spur moment and the voices in her head claimed that she was all alone. but the boy sang to her a lullaby that lulled her into a deep sleep and for the first time in forever there were no painful memories in her dreams.

She was the girl who fed on nightmares. The one he once read about and the one he was now holding on his arms.

[mochikeiji]

Sunshine

↠ Pairing: Bokuto Koutarou x Akaashi Keiji

↠ Warning: TimeSkip AU! Slight angst, fluff! Weathering with You AU

↬ Word Count: 1,851

↣ a/n: I just love Weathering with You. The prompt fits so perfectly I just had too ヽ( ´¬`)ノ even hearing the ost in my head while writing this.

Summary: Akaashi has lived his life raising the sun as he prays. But that came to a stop when Bokuto finds out the consequences. Afraid to lose him, afraid of him to disappear without having to feel what happiness is, he wants him to live his life to the fullest.

⇢ Day 8: Weather/Rain, Magic @bokuakaweek2020

✎﹏

Not many have fallen inlove with the gloomy skies that cried heavy down pours of rain. Not many appreciated the satisfying sight of the droplets patter from their window or hydrate the plants. People would see the rain as some sort of hindrance due to the natural disasters it has caused. Those such as flooding, cancelations of plans or the weird feeling of getting sad from it.

Japan at this year has been experiencing all of these emotions. The rain poured everyday endlessly. In some parts it has, but after a few minutes of hours it'll pour once more. The children were stuck inside their homes, whining sometimes for not being allowed to go out and play as they used to. Adults are always getting irritated when travelling to work. Not a day is completed without having one part of their body soaked from the rain when coming back home.

When has it been the last time they've experienced the warm sun and bright blue skies? When was the last time they have woken up to hear the birds chirping rathet than another round of padding droplets on their windows and rooftops?

If they'd predicted the weather to be in bad shape, people would've appreciated waking up a little early to show some love for the shining sun rather than wishing it hadn't risen.

For Bokuto, he didn't care about any of these calamities. He didn't pay attention to the murmurs and curses about the weather from the people he had passed by the streets, nor the fact that he sometimes gets soaked from the rain or even having his usual volleyball practice get cancelled.

All he cared about with all his heart was the man who had been destined to be his lover.

Also the man who was in full control of controlling the all powerful, bright sun and stopping the rain as he pleases whenever he would pray.

His sunshine boy.

"Keiji, I told you to stop looking over the request anymore."

Snapping his gaze away from the phone screen, Bokuto had snatched it away and places it on top of the coffee table. Taking a seat next to Akaashi and took a sip of the warm hot chocolate he had made for both of them.

"But they were getting mad for not granting their request, Kou.."

Bokuto sees the way his eyes looked down sadly behind his lens. His lips quivering as if he was afraid of something. Guilty of something.

He had no rights to be feeling guilty though. It wasn't his power to control the rain. It wasn't his fault Japan was in this situation for many years. He never asked to be the one speck of hope to bring back the sun even though it meant for a few hours.

It wasn't his or Bokuto's fault they wanted to be selfish.

Akaashi's gift had a risky price to pay. Due to people now knowing his gift, he was often called for so many request to bring the sun out. His request per day would reach 10-20. It was tiring, but this was the only job he had to provide himself. But sadly, to over working himself to the bone, his body began to get transparent. He had been so caught up with his job as the Sunshine Boy he had forgotten he was cursed to disappear to an unknown place if he overused his gift.

And Bokuto didn't want to lose him.

The day Akaashi had revealed his upper body to him, Bokuto's heart shattered. He was the one who had given him the idea of being in this position in the first place. He shouldered the blame on him, for almost unknowingly letting his lover slowly drift away and disappear from him.

But not anymore.

He begged Akaashi to never do it again. Never overuse his power. Allow himself to take a break and just find another job or let him handle all the finance since he was a successful player. But Akaashi didn't like depending all his life on someone, he wanted to be useful. Worthy. Even though Bokuto woukd remind him all the time that he has been more than enough to him, the people from their abandoned website would always call him out and spread hate for his sudden disappearance.

It was a good thing no one knew of his identity. Otherwise he would be hunt down and they'd have to move to places as if they were criminals.

"Keiji," placing his mug down at the table, he moves to his side closer to Akaashi, taking his hand away from his lap and holding it, "Would you be sad if I was the only person who loves you?"

Akaashi never had anyone that loved him so much other than his late mother. Like him, she was born with this gift. His father though, had left the both of them when he knew about their gifts. Angry of why they didn't do something of Japan's situation and cursing his mother for being a selfish woman, leaving her to fulfill her duty until her dying breath and disappearing without a sense of peace.

His words and the people's demands had gone through his head and haunted him. He believed that this was why he was born different. Why he was born with this so called, "gift". He was born to serve other's and grant their request to summon the sun. Nothing more, nothing less. Fulfill his duty to the bitter end.

And Bokuto had proved him othwise.

"From now on, live for yourself, Keiji. You can't give everyone what they want and not leave something for you."

Those were the words he remembered the day he had shown his transparent torso. The words that had made his eyes shed tears and his whole world change.

"I am beyond already happy and blessed to have you as my lover, Kou. And you loving me makes me question why I deserve someone like you," he places his palm on his cheek, stroking it lovingly as he stares back into his golden eyes, "Of course I am happy that the person I love so much loves me as well. Even if he is the only one."

"Then this," glancing at the phine from the table with Akaashi's eyes following his. Returning back to their locked gaze, "They don't matter. Nothing matters but that, Keiji."

His eyes spoke a lot about his deep sadness and guilt. Bokuto pushes his hand away gently and pulls him onto his chest, letting Akaashi sit in between his legs and place his chin on his shoulder.

"Keiji, I don't want to wake up one day and see you gone from my sight."

Listening intensely as he feels his hair being weaved by his fingers, he allows his body to relax on Bokuto's hold and let's him continue.

"Not because you can make the sun appear. I don't care about those, I only care about you. I don't want you to disappear just to have your entire life serving people for their wants and not living yours."

Suddenly, his shoulder began to form a wet patch from the owl haired male, "I don't want to wake up alone again, Keiji..I don't want to lose the only person I've ever loved and didn't have enough time with him."

Like Akaashi, Bokuto had struggled with his own past. Always getting left behind for pursuing too much ambition. His parents not being able to provide him with the love and support he has envied from so many people. He had sought out on his own trying to find a reason for his living. Why he manages to maintain being a famous volleyball player even though he had no one tovbe proud of not only his talent, but his entire being.

Bokuto's body trembles and Akaashi started to feel himself get emotional and squeezed his arms around his torso. Bokuto sniffles a little before pushing himself off of his shoulder to look him in the eye once more.

"Keiji, to me I believe you are a Sunshine Boy. Not because you can raise the sun, but because you brighten the skies from my gloomy life ever since I've met you."

Eyes widened a little from his words, Bokuto removes his mist filled glasses and leans his forehead to his. Sighing out the emotion that had bubbled up in his chest.

"I believe you had more purpose in life than being like this. Maybe," placing both of his warm palms on Akaashi's cold face, wanting him to open his tear filled eyes.

"Maybe you were meant to live the life your mother wished she had."

A life that didn't pulled him down because of his gift. The life that didn't involve the people's complaints and demands. The life that only his happiness mattered.

"We've made a promise together back then."

Akaashi looks down at his hand, his ring finger occupied with a shining ring that fit perfectly and made his hand look more beautiful than they ever were. The one Bokuto had given the night of his confession.

"That we'd be together forever. That nothing else mattered than for us to find our happiness together."

Akaashi lets his tears fall from his eyes, allowing Bokuto to wipe them away quickly. He gives his lips a lingering kiss. Pouring out the emotions more than the rain outside their apartment.

"The hell with everyone in this world. I want you more than any blue sky. You're the real sun that brightens up my world, Akaashi. I knew what I was getting into the moment I fell inlove with you, there's no way in hell I'm throwing all of this away."

Sobs can be heard from the room, but the strong sense of devotion and love was there. Akaashi lets himself grow vulnerable, murmuring "I love you's" and "Thank you's", squeezing Bokuto as if his life depended on it. Afraid of what his mind could've done if Bokuto hadn't said those words to him immediately.

They both know that this weather wouldn't stop. But they also knew that the people's complaints about everything would never stop.

The hell with everything, they thought.

If being selfish meant letting an innocent life as Akaashi live longer and having the weather stay as it is, then so be it. Nothing is more precious than another ones life.

Nothing mattered to the two lovers as long as they had each other.

The weather can stay crazy, but that's how the entire world is, right?

You needed one thing that is sane in all this madness.

And to Bokuto?

That was Akaashi.

"Koutarou."

"Hm?"

Pushing himself off of his chest, Akaashi wipes his nose with his sleeve before speaking, "Don't you want to see the sun?" his words lacing with worry with his mind racing with thoughts.

Bokuto only smiles at him. Knowing already what he was going to answer, pinching his cheek in the process and grinning,

"I already am seeing the sun, Keiji. And its worth keeping bright more than anything."

[ciggylungz]

oh no i'm so sorry all of that happened to you love!!! but you still live with the people who did that?? are you safe?? like nothing happened to them? (feel free to ignore that i know this is not something nice to talk about, im just concerned about you)

___tw/sexual assault/rape/cp/trauma

____

im’ at a point in my life now where i can talk about the things that happened to me, while painful i do it so i can be a source of comfort for other victims and be a voice in a movement so i’m alright with talking about it so i’ll give you the run down.

Basically the sexual abuse started when i was 2, from an older boy who was at the same in-home daycare i went to run by a very neglectful woman (while there i was molested, victimized in cp, broke my arm and had gotten into cabinets eating things and got so sick i was vomiting and had to go to the hospital- this was from age 6 weeks old-2 and a half years. so i was little.) and when my mom found out about the boy doing it, she didn’t do anything. she continued to send me back and told me to keep stop talking about it.

i grew up in (and still unfortunately live in) a really bad household.very poor, Raging alcoholic dad, narcissistic in-denial mom, so the abuse was always on an all time high, even still to this day it’s lingering.

Was a victim of cp at the hands of men at church as a little girl, the adults knew and even thought it was ‘cute’ i had adapted to calling a 60 year old man ‘my boyfriend’ when i was 3 because he was abusing me and grooming me, filming it and circulating it to other people.

When i was 12 i was brutally raped in the school bathroom staying after the last day before Christmas break. December 20th, by someone i had known my entire life and he also took pictures. because i had been groomed my whole life by people like this i had no one to turn to, and didn’t tell anyone and instead my mom only found out because when i was almost 15 i had tried to kill myself and when i was being transported to the hospital because of blood loss and OD they found the journals i left out with writings about what had happened to me. Thats how they found out, and instead of helping me they still to this day use my trauma to manipulate and shame me. i have never enjoyed Christmas time since.

I still live at home with my parents, they effectively isolated me down in a really low populated county away from my friends and my home town (baltimore city) and have basically held me here for the past 3 years completely isolated using me and my freedom as a pawn while making me completely dependent on them so i can’t just run and leave, even though im 18. they’ve stripped me of everything i dont even know how to drive.

the videos made of me being raped,molested,and abused from infancy into my early teen years were sold on the internet and shared between pedo’s (i know this because i’ve seen it first hand and had some of these men literally track me down when i was 14-to present day  trying to pay me to recreate the cp i was forced into as a child. as well as people who posted my pictures on here when tumblr had a huge problem with pedophiles.) i’ve seen it monetized, shared, and traded. and it will forever haunt me.

I’m far from being healed, i don’t think i will ever be able to say i forgive anyone who did the things they did to me. i don’t think i’ll ever be able to say i’m over the times i had been raped and impregnated as a 14 year old while i was drunk only to have the fetus beaten out of me till i had a miscarriage. I won’t be able to ever fully recover from being a victim of multiple people in my lifetime. i won’t be able to trust psych wards anymore after becoming a victim to sexual violence at the hands of its staff many time. I don’t know why it always has to be me. it’s like i have a sign on my forehead that says “hurt me! violate me!” even when i was a toddler who didn’t know what was going on.

I don’t think i’ll ever be able to move on from the fact videos of me being raped, molested and exploited still circulate online from the hands of pedophiles and sick people who somehow are able to track me down and identify me all these years later.

It’s a horrible fucking thing and i’m not okay. don’t know if i ever will be okay, and thats not what people want to hear but it’s the truth.

[justauthoring]

Oh! I'm so glad GOT requests are open, because I'm CRAVING Jamie content! Could I request a JamiexStark!Reader where she's the eldest daughter of Ned (older than Robb) and gets married to Jamie, but when Ned is betrayed she gets arrested too, cuz she also knows the truth about Joffrey and his siblings. Jamie doesn't go to see her for like 6 months and when he does he sees she's been pregnant with his kid all this time. Ah, the ANGST

Please don’t plagiarize my work!

Word Count:1,580

THE ABSENCE OF CONCERN

You’d watched as he’d done nothing. 

You’d pleaded and cried and screamed. They’d grabbed you by your arms and without a care for you or your well being, dragged you through the halls of your own home. Pulled you from your very own husband who had just stood there and watched.

And when all was done, when all had happened, when your tears were dried to stains on your cheeks and your struggles had seized, they’d told you you’d been arrested for treason. For treason against your king, Joffrey. That you had acted against your King and as a result, you would be put on trial along side your father.

It was a lie. All of it. Your father had been tricked and betrayed and as a result, you had paid the price along side him. You only hoped that your younger sisters were okay, that they hadn’t fallen blame to an unjustified arrest and betrayal.

But, as you were led lower and lower through the castle, leading you to what you could only assume was the dungeons, all that flooded your mind was the image of Jaime. Of your husband standing there, doing nothing as they pulled you, his wife, away from him without any reason or explanation. He’d done nothing. And while you weren’t unaware of the strain between your family and his, you’d thought, in your short time married, that he had loved you.

You truly believed he did. And that’s what hurt the most, was knowing that he didn’t, he never had and you’d been a fool.

By the time you reached the dungeons and stood in front of what you assumed your cage was, you simply hung in their arms. You heard the sound of the lock unlock and the screech of the metal cage door swing open, before you were carelessly tossed inside. You landed on your hands and knees, a huff of exhausted pouring from your lips in response.

And for a moment, it was silent. Then, you heard the faintest sound of breathing and your name leave another’s lips. It was your father’s.

“Father?” You croaked, trying to peer through the darkness of the cell. When you saw the faintest outline of his figure, you picked yourself up to your feet and made your way, unsteadily, over to him. The sight was almost enough to bring you to tears all over again and you fell to your knees before him with a sob.

“Come here,” Ned whispered, his voice gruff. He shifted his body in a way that made it easy for you to fall against him, and as you did, you let your head rest in the crook between his head and shoulder, curling into him. His warmth was one you’d missed, even if for a while things had been going well. You were the eldest child of Ned and Catelyn Stark, and as a result, your father often leaned upon you for help. You were an adult yourself, and very often the responsibility of your younger siblings fell on your shoulders.

But what your father had uncovered during his time as the King’s hand hadn’t gone past you either. You imagined that’s why you’d been arrested, because you knew what he did.

“I never meant for you to become involved,” Ned whispers a moment, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. “I never meant to put any of you in danger. I…”

“It’s okay,” you whisper, softly interrupting your father in hopes of reassuring him of the guilt he’s placed upon his shoulders. “It isn’t your fault.” Ned doesn’t respond, but he keeps close to you, and there’s no part of you that wants to leave him either. The fear of what may come wouldn’t leave your mind and you wondered what was left of your future.

And then, as silence echoes, you can’t help but whisper;

“I’m pregnant.”

-

Months had passed since you’d been arrested. Your father had died as a result of Joffrey, having been beheaded. Your sisters… well, you had no idea. You’d spent those past months locked up in the very same cell they’d thrown you in that day and you hadn’t left since.

Your trial, unlike your father’s, never came. It seemed the Lannister’s didn’t know what to do with you so they left you to rot in a cell by yourself. You never saw anyone other then when you were fed and you hadn’t seen sunlight in months. Completely isolated you were, quite literally left to rot away or until they finally decided what to do with you.

Today was no different than any other day. You sat there, left to your own mad thoughts as you cradled your belly. Like you’d told your father that day, in nothing more than a hushed whisper, you were pregnant. Your captors didn’t seem all that concerned and simply gave you enough to sustain you. After all, you were carrying a Lannister child.

The sound of keys jingling catches your attention. It surprises you beyond belief as this wasn’t your normal feeding time, and as your head lightly tilted to the right, you’re not sure who you expect to walk through those doors. Whoever they are, they’re hidden in the shadows at that moment and you don’t have the strength to crawl any closer to see for yourself. You simply wait, as that’s all you can do. Part you expects them to be guards, for whatever reason.

But as the figure steps closer and the light shines on their face, it’s one you haven’t seen in months. One that’s haunted you since the day you’d been arrested, staring blankly back at you as you were pulled away from his grasp kicking and screaming.

It’s the man you never expected to see again.

Jaime stares back at you, and you watch as his lips part ever-so-slightly, his eyes wandering across your figure. You can only imagine what runs through his head. The last time he’d seen you, you had washed hair and clean clothes. The last time he’d seen you, you had a flat stomach. 

By the look on his face, you assumed he hadn’t been told that his wife was pregnant.

“I…” His words stop at that, trailing off as his shoulders slump. He’s in the same armour you remember him being in. Gold plated armour but, one thing that is different, his right hand is replaced by a gold one.

“You’ve lost your hand.” Your voice is croaked, weak, barely audible. It’s been months since you’ve spoke, your throat hurts just at four simple words. But all the same, you know Jaime’s heard you.

His head tilts down, eyes falling on the hand you refer to. “It’s a long story.”

“One I don’t care to hear.”

Jaime shuffles at that, his Adam’s apple bobbing in nerves as he registers the harshness of his voice. Still, his muscles tensing, he decides to speak. “I didn’t know you… I hadn’t known you were with child.”

There it is.

“Would it have changed anything had you?”

It’s clear what you mean. Jaime doesn’t have to ask to clarify.

“Y/N,” You haven’t heard your name leave another’s lips, let alone Jaime’s, in forever. It almost felt foreign. As if that name was truly not your name. Sometimes, you forgot who you were, having spent all this time by yourself in a dirty, dark cell. “That day… there was nothing I could–”

“You didn’t do anything,” you cut off, finally turning your head to meet his eyes. Your gaze is cold, emotionless. You’re almost unrecognizable. It chills Jaime to the bone as he’s faced with what he’s done, with his wife who he failed. “You stood there and watched… you did nothing.”

“I tried,” Jaime squeaks, “I tried to talk sense into Cersei and I tried to–”

“You still haven’t answered my question.” you interrupt once, shoulders falling. “If you’d known I was with child, would it have changed anything? Does it change anything?”

Jaime’s lips part. “I… I don’t know how to help.”

“Did you love me?” You ask, voice cracking as you feel your eyes water. 

“Yes–”

“Do you still love me?”

“I…” He hesitates, swallowing thickly. “Yes. I never stopped.”

“Then,” you begin, placing your hands on either side of you, pushing yourself upwards. It’s with great strain, gasps leaving your lips as you wobble on your feet before your husband. Once you’re steady, you turn to him, your gaze serious. “Get me out of here.”

Jaime blinks back at you, stunned.

“If you ever loved me, love me like you say you do, then…” You take a step forward, wobbling and weakly, your hand gripping the wall of the cell next to you tightly. “Get me out of here. Get us out of here.”

Jaime continues to stare blankly back at you, his expression unreadable. You continue to shakily make your way over to him, and the moment you have, you reach forward, grabbing him by the wrist. The touch of another almost brings tears to your eyes and you let out a sob as you set his hand against your belly.

“For your child.”

There’s a moment of stilled silence. Jaime stares down at you, not pulling his hand away but not doing much of anything else either. And then, finally, finally, he shifts his hand, moving so it’s on the curve of your stomach and he closes the distance before you.

“Okay.”

[queenlokibeth]

Right? So okay i curse the day I added this reblog to this post bc it will haunt me forever because a lot of people get really pressed and i really don't want to start shit but like i ignored their comment first and then i was like *sighs in civic duty* because an 18 year old dating a 15 year old IS indeed very much literally illegal in parts of the world. That isn't som haha "illegal" as a joke, i meant that literally. I so not have the energy to elaborate on the 20 vs 29 yo example because i have already answered like 5 lengthy asks about it in the past buy basically one of those people literally has almost 50% more life experience than the other. No one says it's doomed, but it's worth being cautious about.

Lastly, the person who wrote that is 19. Honey, I'm mot much older, but i AM older, and trust me, people change a alot between 18, 19 -their early 20s. We're talking from experience. We HAVE been outside, LONGER THAN YOU HAVE. Maturing means acknowledging that you've got.. more maturing to do (read: 14 yo going "omg mom im not a kid anymore i know what im doing!" Vs 25 yo going "yeah man idk im just winging it i wasn't prepared for this")

Edit: I'm also going to take the time to address EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO GOT RIDICULOUSLY PRESSED IN THE NOTES: i'm not giving anyone guidelines, i'm not "sticking my nose" in anyone's business, this has nothing to do with "someone else's relationship making me uncomfortable" (idk what kinda sensitive assholes y'all gotta be to get uncomfortable by what other people do in their personal lives, i genuinely couldn't care less), i'm not trying to determine new legalities, etc. I've seen a load of fucking bullshit comments like those and more from bitter people who immediately jumped to conclusions and twisted what i said because they were READY to hate on someone. I've been called all sorts of names in the notes and in my inbox, all because YOU, THE PEOPLE GETTING PRESSED, lack any critical thinking, the ability to just ignore things, or simply not go around thinking the worst about people. These were examples, not just for kids but for young adults who might be in vulnerable positions without realising, because it happens and no one is invincible at any age, and YOU PEOPLE PROVE THAT because instead of critically thinking about a situation you'd just fully go in because of pride or some shit. If you're a 20 year old I'm not dictating your life and preventing you from dating a 29 year old. You can go ahead and the relationship might be fucking fantastic for all I know, or it could also be and entire trainwreck due to power dynamics. That's where the critical thinking comes in. Evaluate the situation, because it's a reasonable concern.

I regularly wish i never made this addition because i made it quickly without stopping to consider that I might need to clarify every. single. fucking. thing. To prevent drama. But of course, this is tumblr. I never would've thought that it would get this big and that I'd get so many vile comments because of it, plus my deepest apologies to OP who deleted the post probably because they were tired of getting a billion discourse notifications.

I've already seen discourse on Twitter about Keanu Reeves and his girlfriend bc apparently, 46 ISN'T age appropriate for a 55 year old man or something and I'm starting to think some people don't understand the discussion about age gap relationships....it's not about age gaps themselves, it's about adults dating people who aren't adults (usually teenagers). But also, 46 and 55 is age appropriate jfc

[tetrisfinished]

advice

i'm not good at getting it and on the flip side i'm pretty sure i'm not good at giving it either. i'm always certain of the decisions i make for myself and even if i'm not, if i've made a decision i have an easy enough time accepting it. whether later on it proves itself a good or bad one, i can move past it.

but advising someone else of what to do or say or buy or not....i'm terrible at that. at least i think i am. i mean...i can give advice just fine, but it haunts me forever if i feel like i've given the wrong advice (i always reach out to let the person know) and i tend to be OVERLY cautious when giving advice because i HATE to be in a situation where someone else can potentially say "well my shitty situation is because of komal".

but also, you should know, that even when i do request and actively receive and take advice for my own shit - i promise myself always that if it ends up badly and the advice was given out of good intent, that i will never ever turn around and blame someone else for my situation. but the thing is, i acknowledge that i am at least an adult enough to know this....but not many other adults are. we (as a human species, i think) are always looking for someone to blame. and i won't act like i'm the pious upper hand type of woman who never blames. oh believe me, i blame yasir for almost 99% of the issues that arise at home or in relation to esa....but i do try to maintain that maybe in anger i did the blaming but i know when it's my own problem or fault.

anyway. urgh okay i had a point and where i was going with this, but i've totally forgotten now.

so.

that's it

baaaiiiiii

-k