#I���m just frustrated by my tendency to realise these things right before I’m about to not see the guy for X period of time

[aiimaginesbts]

All In My Head (M)

Yoongi x Reader (Yoongi’s POV)

**Part 2 to Command, but can be enjoyed on its own as well**

Genre: Smut, childhood friends to lovers AU

Warnings: Public foreplay, exhibitionist tendencies, a little dirty talk, jealous Yoongi

Word Count: 3,609 words

Disclaimer/Copyright 

Your eyes were focused on the buildings whizzing past outside through the train windows, unaware of your boyfriend frowning as he looked at you. More specifically, at the line where your thigh and skirt met, revealing a bit of flesh above your knees.

Yoongi was not happy. Well, he wasn’t unhappy, per se, but there was definitely something bothering him. He knew what it was, but he was also aware that he was being irrational, so he wasn’t sure what to do about it.

He had known you almost all his life, since you were kids, but you had only become a couple a few weeks ago. Maybe that was why he felt so hesitant now. Yoongi knew how to treat you as his best friend. That was super easy. It came to him as naturally as breathing. Although most people think of him as brash and forthright in his opinions, you were the only person he could share his innermost thoughts and feelings with. You might not agree with him all the time. Hell, it had led you two into more arguments than he could count, but you would always make up within a day or two. Best-friend-you he was familiar with. That didn’t mean he knew how to handle you now. No, girlfriend-you was a new, different monster that he had no idea how to deal with.

People say that being in love with your best friend is a lucky thing. Or something. How did that song go again? Lucky I’m in love with my best friend… Yoongi didn’t feel so lucky now. Somehow the combination of the two – best friend and girlfriend – had turned into a daytime nightmare today. Because Yoongi knew practically everything there was to know about you. His brows furrowed at your legs. And he knew you very rarely wore skirts.

So the question that had bugged him since he first met up with you late that morning ran through his mind again; why is she wearing a skirt today? Unfortunately, only one answer came to his mind. You knew that he was going to bring you to lunch with his friends from college today. You must have wanted to flirt with them, right? Why else would you suddenly wear such feminine clothing? It was always jeans whenever you went out with him, even when you went on dates together.

He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised, after all. He had been in love with you for a while, but you had only seen him as your childhood pal all the way up to his confession. Through a bet, he had made you promise to follow his commands, and after abusing your agreement to lead you to a steamy situation, he had revealed that he’d fallen for you. There was no mistaking your surprise then; he was sure you hadn’t had an inkling before he said anything. Even though he was overjoyed when you’d said yes to being his girlfriend, it didn’t take much for doubt to consume him.

Did you agree to be his girlfriend because you were caught up in the heat of the moment? Worse still, was it because you were afraid to lose him as a friend if you’d said no? Was his irreplaceable friendship with you going in a downwards trajectory, undetected, heading for the inevitable doom because he told you how he felt about you? Maybe you just became his girlfriend out of pity, or because you’d felt guilty, or didn’t know how to refuse him. He felt like such a jerk.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm his panicked thoughts. Whatever you felt about him, you wouldn’t do something as cruel as attempting to seduce his friends right under his nose. As if finally noticing that Yoongi had been staring daggers at you, your eyes left the train doors you were leaning next to and turned to him. “Is there something wrong, Yoongi?”

“Why are you wearing a skirt?”

The abrupt question visibly unsettled you, and Yoongi felt like a heel. He didn’t mean to vocalise the question branding itself into his brain. It was that skirt. How could it not have attracted his friends, when it seduced the hell out of him? Memories of the lunch less than an hour ago came back to him, unbidden. His friends were definitely interested in you – especially since your appearance today was nothing like he’d described to his friends. Your style was usually comfortable and laid-back, but today even the normally unobservant Yoongi noticed that you wore makeup, and the skirt completed the pretty ensemble you wore. Not that he ever thought you weren’t pretty, but he’d always loved that your beauty was understated. Like something one needed to uncover to realise its true beauty. He wanted to be the only one who knew what a true gem you were.

That was definitely not the case now. His friends had all insisted how lucky he was to have you; that you were too pretty for him. Okay, to be fair, they said you were too nice for him too, but he wouldn’t put much stock in that. They’d only known you through what he’d told them about you, and a short lunch couldn’t have given them much of an insight into the amazing person he knew you were. But that comment about being beautiful? That he knew was genuine, and he was sure that the skirt played a part in the formation of their opinion, too. Hoseok was chatting up a storm with you. Yoongi had no doubt that his closest friend after you could charm you in no time. Then you would leave him for Hoseok.

“I just… wanted to make a good impression on your friends,” you answered in a small voice. “Do I look that bad?”

Yoongi wasn’t sure what answer he was expecting from you, but it wasn’t this. Trying to push the images of you wearing tinier and tinier skirts for Hoseok, Yoongi tried to focus on your answer. “Why would you need to do that?”

Huffing at having your question answered by another question, you explained, “You said your friends always made fun of you for not caring about anything other than your passion for music.” Your fingers ran across your skirt, then tugged at each other, showing Yoongi a level of nervousness that he’d never seen before. “If they saw my usual sloppy appearance, they might think that I’m one of those things you just chose on a whim because you didn’t care to think about it.”

God, why am I so stupid? Your answer made Yoongi feel awful. He had allowed his petty jealousy to run away with his idiotic thoughts, not noticing how anxious you were about meeting his friends. Instead, he made you feel more self-conscious than you already were. Thinking back, you were always asking him about them, especially after he’d invited you to come and join them today. You’d asked to see their picture, taking the time to memorise their names, wanting to know what they were like. It only made him suspect that you’d had an eye on one of them, but you just wanted to show them that he’d picked his girlfriend well. You’d wanted their approval. The realisation felt like an undeserved reward and a warranted punishment at the same time.

“You don’t need to do anything like that,” he started to say, but the doors on the other side of the coach had opened at the same time, and a flood of passengers rushed in. Half of his words were more of a grunt as he was pushed against you into the corner between the end of the row of seats and the door, and he wasn’t sure if you’d heard anything he’d said. He barely heard the soft oof that came out of you as you were squished between him and the hard corner.

After announcing that the doors would close, the train continued speedily on, unaware of the uncomfortable position you were in. Moving back a tiny step – which was the best he could manage in the now overcrowded coach – he looked at you with concern. “Are you okay?”

“Mm-hmm,” you told him glumly, refusing to meet his eyes. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen you sad, but it was harder now because you were his girlfriend. And he was the one who’d brought tears to your eyes – he could tell you were trying not to cry from the slight rise in your pitch. Your hands had grabbed handfuls of the offending piece of clothing, as if wishing you could take it off right there and then. The movement was revealing more and more of your delectable thighs to him – and if Yoongi had thought that his thoughts had gone haywire before, this sight was making him lose his mind altogether.

His large hands grabbed yours, pulling your skirt even further up until just a hair’s breadth away from showing your panties. “Just so you know, you look amazing,” he finally answered your earlier question. He wasn’t sure whether your gasp of surprise was due to his whispered words in your ear or his sudden, daring movement, but Yoongi decided that he didn’t care. Right hand cupping your sex through your underwear, he easily found your sensitive spot.

“Yoongi!” You hissed as loudly as you dared when his two fingers rubbed along your slit, showing no signs of stopping despite your location. “Are you crazy?”

“It’s all your fault,” he drawled in that maddening devil-may-care tone of voice he’d mastered so well. He knew it frustrated and confused you to no end, which was perfect in this case because he didn’t want you to know how much you’d affected him. “Making it so easy for me to touch you by wearing this.” You squealed when his left hand tugged at your skirt, afraid that he’d pull it right off on the train, and then bit your lower lip, even more afraid that you’d revealed yourself to the other passengers.

“Stop it, Yoongi.” Well aware that your protest was rendered weak by your heavy breathing, you still tried to put up a fight, for the sake of your mind if not for your body. The latter melted readily at Yoongi’s touch, completely oblivious to the fact that you were in public, squeezed like sardines by other people. “Someone might see us.”

“Is that why you got wet so quickly?” If you were in your right mind, you might have smacked him for teasing you. However, in the state you were in, the only thing you could think of was how right he was – it couldn’t have been two minutes and your thong was already a soggy mess in his hand. You wanted to whimper; it felt so very good, but at the same time you were desperate to deny it. “Relax. No one would notice.”

At that reassurance, you tried to look around, but your boyfriend had you literally trapped in the corner, and you could barely see anything over his height. Yoongi himself was only then checking his surroundings as well. He could barely turn in his spot, the coach was that packed, and he was jammed into that little corner right against you. Not that he was going to complain about that now. From what he could tell, the person behind him had her back to him, engaged in a conversation with her friends. Another guy standing next to him by the door had his earphones plugged in, engrossed with something on his phone screen. The most anyone could see of you were your legs, slightly spread apart by one of his – the rest of your body was almost completely covered by his own.

Having ensured that no one was watching him, Yoongi grew more eager to finish what he’d unthinkingly started. Deftly pushing your soaked underwear aside, he revelled in the silky, smooth feel of your sensitive slicked folds directly against his skin. No further objections were forthcoming from you. He could tell that you were trying to focus on keeping yourself from making any noise. For some reason that egged him on even more. He didn’t want to be discovered, but he also wanted to make you cry out helplessly – it felt like a challenge. He wanted everyone to know how good he made you feel.

At the same time, he was genuinely surprised at how wet you’d gotten so quickly. The train was only about to reach the next stop, but he was wet to his knuckles just by brushing against your pussy. He suppressed a groan. If you were in his room, he bet he’d be able to push his cock all the way inside you in a single thrust. His fingers hadn’t made it inside you yet, but it was obvious that you were ready. More than ready for him.

Yoongi had no idea what brought out the daredevil streak in him today, but after he shifted a little to get into a more comfortable position, he shoved two of his fingers into you without hesitation. Oh, you were definitely eager, regardless of your feeble protests. Your dripping pussy allowed him to bury himself to his knuckles, and your abundant juices were already making their way to his wrist. The sudden intrusion came as a surprise to you, he was sure, from the way you lurched forward. That, and the mewl you let out before you could stop yourself. You bit your lower lip hard, trying to squash any noises fighting to escape your throat as Yoongi finger fucks you at full speed from the get-go.

The desperate fists clenching as hard as they could on the front of his shirt mirrored the tight grip that your insides had on his fingers. Yoongi allowed himself a soft grunt under his breath. True, he hadn’t been with you for all that long as a couple, but he would never have guessed that you could get so wound up this fast. Even though you were doing an excellent job keeping your moans he knew had to be lodged in the narrow constrict of your throat, it was impossible for you to control your breathing. The heavy panting sounded just like a muted version of your whimpers, and he could easily imagine you letting yourself go completely, sobbing and calling for him as he pounded you into the bed.

While your reaction made him feel powerful, drunk on his control over you, it was also driving him mad. It wasn’t long before he had to adjust himself again to alleviate the strain against his pants. He would give anything to pull his cock out and just fuck you against the wall, but he knew he couldn’t. In fact, Yoongi was reminded to glance around the coach, making sure that his change in position hadn’t revealed to anyone what he was doing to his girlfriend.

The man almost adjacent to him was still absorbed in his phone, and Yoongi sent a silent thanks to whoever it was that created whatever content that had him so enraptured. The girls’ conversation behind him sounded like it had gotten more heated, if anything. Not that he was paying any attention to it before then. Your muffled cries were the only thing he wanted to hear, if he had any choice in the matter.

He started to turn his attention back to you, but something caught his eye – a young man standing in the middle between the two rows of seats, probably about his age, staring open mouthed right at your direction. Yoongi froze. He knew full well that what he was doing was extremely risky, but now that he was caught, he had no idea what to do. It felt like time had stopped; that, or everything was moving at a fraction of the normal speed. The eternity in his mind must have been merely a second or two, because in the time that the man’s friends called his name and he turned, you were only just looking up in curiosity at what made Yoongi stop.

At odds over how to proceed, Yoongi gave his fingers a sharp thrust upwards, effectively distracting you and buying him a tiny window to assess the situation. The man was nodding at something his friends were saying but wasn’t contributing anything to the conversation – which meant that he was not about to expose the two of you. In fact, he was completely distracted from frequently darting his eyes in your direction.

Convinced that he was not about to get into trouble, Yoongi resumed assaulting your pussy with renewed vigour. Already brought to a stage of almost complete abandon before, it wasn’t hard to get you close again. Yoongi shifted slightly to the right, exhilaration consuming him as he revealed you and let the man confirm what he was suspecting. The man was staring unabashedly at the display now, completely ignoring his friends, who were thankfully not noticing his lack of attention.

Never letting up on his rapid movements, Yoongi leaned closer to whisper in your ear, “Looks like we have an audience.” It took several moments for his words to sink in, but eventually you looked around in a panic at his warning. By following his gaze, you fell upon the target and promptly squealed in terror. You tried to tug your skirt down, but Yoongi was doing the exact opposite; yanking it up hard, as if not caring that your drenched thong, pushed aside by his fingers buried deep inside you, was practically visible to the stranger. “Now, now, don’t ruin the show for him.”

You wanted to spit out an angry retort to his arrogant teasing, but he didn’t give you a chance to. Not when he was curling his fingers as he moved rapidly in and out of you, scraping the sensitive spot within. Yoongi’s arm was tiring out from the physical exertion, his wrist was feeling the effects of being bent at the unnatural angle for so long, but he would rather die than stop now. In contrast to your outward distress at being watched, the realisation had made your pussy grip him even harder than before. “Fuck, you’re tighter than ever,” Yoongi groaned into your ear. “I had no idea you’re an exhibitionist.”

“I’m not.” Your short reply was raspy, higher pitched than normal and completely devoid of strength. Yoongi didn’t believe your denial for a second. However, he couldn’t believe how turned on he was, either. Perhaps it was that irrational, lingering jealousy he felt when you interacted with his friends that fuelled his desire to show someone how much you needed him. Not that a complete stranger leering as you gasped and held onto him desperately did anything at all. Yet it still felt unbelievably good. There was a sense of being needed, of being powerful and in control, and of being desired all at once, intoxicating him.

But he was aware that it had to end soon. Not only had your breathing become more laboured, the wet, squelching sounds from your flooding pussy was also gradually increasing in volume, to the point he was worried that it would be heard over the sound of the moving train and surrounding noises. He had never seen you this sexually excited, but that also meant that you couldn’t hold it in for long – at this point, he wouldn’t be surprised if the overwhelming pleasure made you forget where you were, and you started screaming his name.

Besides, Yoongi was dying to see your face when you fall apart. He could never tire of it. Seeing you lose your composure, the look of euphoria that was all because of him was something he could never get enough of. “Do you think he can see my fingers fucking your naughty pussy?” He angled his wrist to rub his palm against your clit as he thrusted furiously in and out of your sopping heat. The added stimulation pushed you over the edge almost immediately. Your legs trembled, then shook as you came more violently than ever before. You gaped up at him as you burst around him, your mind somehow remembering to remain silent. Normally, Yoongi would’ve devoured your mouth in a soul-sucking kiss, but gazing at your eyes made glassy by your tears and ecstasy, your parted lips quivering in a silent scream as your hips grinded against his hand was pretty gratifying in and of itself.

As you came down from your high, you slumped against your corner, completely spent. And not a moment too soon – the next stop was your stop. Besides, Yoongi felt some petty satisfaction in making you walk in your weakened state. Call it an undeserved revenge for making him irritably possessive and insecure all day. He had to pull you to get you to move through the open doors onto the station platform – it was obvious you were not in a condition to walk anywhere – but he wrapped a firm arm around your waist, both to keep you moving and to support you.

Just as the last of the passengers disembarked the train, Yoongi glanced inside. In the heat of the moment, he’d forgotten about the lone spectator. He was still inside, his eyes darkened with lust as they followed you told Yoongi that he’d given the man a good show. Smirking, he brought his fingers to his mouth, licking your essence while peering smugly at his audience, before linking them between yours as he led you through the throng.

[justlightthefirstspark]

As promised, my analysis/opinion/thought piece on today’s MUWFC game vs Spurs. Everything is chronological which I feel like should go without saying but in the interest of clarity 🤷🏽‍♀️ but not everything is tagged to the minute cause I am an idiot that didn’t realise that that would be helpful til like the 2nd half. Also, if I missed anything, or got players mixed up or anything pls lemme know and I’ll edit accordingly! I’ve never really done any from of sports based writing before (I don’t think tweets count lol) so pls be nice, merci 😘

Line up as follows, I guess this is pretty common knowledge but you know, coherency and such.

Tbh it was kinda hard to see *a lot* of this game, especially on the far side of the pitch and by both goals because of the weather, felt like I was watching Silent Hill for a little while there, but I did my best. My wifi is also horrendous atm, and we all know that the FA Player can be problematic so there’s a very good chance I might have missed something due to a lag or buffering btw. Just drop me an ask if you notice anything that mightn’t be quite right, and I’ll fix it asap! Some ~analysis~ (if you could call it that lol) is more detailed than other bits cause there was a lot happening and today I learned that it’s kinda hard to write one thing and watch another at the same time lol

First half:

Quick, fast and almost successful start. A much-needed improvement on the stagnancy vs Bristol a few weeks ago, and obviously we couldn’t see the midweek game vs Brighton so I can’t compare them.

I have to say I’m not a massive fan of all the back passes, all the time. I think a more attacking FB might be needed in the summer, or maybe Ökvist should be given some time to acclimatise to the WSL soon? I was never the biggest fan of Harris last season, I personally don’t think she’s fast enough – she gets outpaced down the flank by attackers 90% of the time, which isn’t good. I think A. Turner is the strongest FB option currently, at least defensively, and she’s shown she has a decent attacking ability, and has a wicked long ball, as well as crossing. My only issue is sometimes those tackles of hers can be a liability, giving away unnecessary fouls. It’s almost like she doesn’t think before she flies in sometimes, which is a shame, cause I love them. A lot.

There were a couple of really good chances in the first half, including a great ball in and run up from Galton, which should have resulted in probably the opening goal but whether it was as a result of the weather or just misjudged timing and placement from both Ross and Sigsworth, the chance went to waste. Groenen had an excellent chance to net her first for United but unfortunately sent it just wide. Another glorious link up between A. Turner and Galton led to another decent chance, a gorgeous cross in from the right to the opposite side of the box, and the perfect header which unfortunately was aimed straight at the keeper. Very unlucky to head in at the break with nothing.

There was an incredible double save from Earps around halfway through the first half. I have to say, I have some anxieties with her sometimes. She is quite good, but has a tendency to make some silly mistakes, and doesn’t always make the right call for a save. But my god she was on her game today, even if a potential error might have led to the first save. Didn’t disappoint me anytime she was called on this afternoon.

A few frustrations started to show around the 30 min mark, a few sloppy passes and challenges making the rounds. It was also around this time that I realized I’d picked a pretty poor game to start this thing on because I could barely see anything.

Zelem seems to be back in form, which can only be a good thing. But I would very much like it if somehow she could drag some of the other girls back up with her.

There were a fair few soft calls going Spurs way, which I wasn’t entirely convinced by. But then again I’m probably just naturally biased towards my girls.

Another great ball in to Sigsworth from A. Turner which was just *chefs kiss* but unfortunately came to nothing. There was also a spin move either to commit or avoid a challenge, I couldn’t really tell tbh, which was very impressive, as was her chase down on Mitchell at around 43 mins. (Amy’s my favourite player, can you tell?)

Booking for Kirsty Smith just before half time, but I gotta be honest I couldn’t see it due to the fog, so I have no idea what happened. Couldn’t find anything about it in the United post-match report either so apparently we’re just deleting that from the history of the earth which is completely fine by me to be honest.

Second half:

My main takeaway from this game is that both Sigsworth and Ross always seem to be looking for the same ball in the penalty area, and there very rarely seems to be anybody else around looking for a potential rebound. I think that James (who missed today’s game due to suspension) seems to be our main (only?) front line creator and finisher; Sigsworth is fine, that girl works like a dog and always gets the job done, I think she may have just needed another goal to boost her confidence, but I have no real concerns with her. Ross, however, I’m not entirely convinced by, I think a lot of her finishes have been a bit lucky and flukey so far. I’d start Toone over her for the rest of the season to be honest, Ross hasn’t done anything that tells me she deserves the starting place. Feel free to disagree with this of course, this is just my own personal opinion.

56 mins – confusion has entered the chat. McManus ends up pretty much through on goal, and then the ref whistles for what I assumed to be an offside. So naturally I nearly kicked my laptop out the window. The ref then awards a United penalty, and I’m even more confused now than I was in the beginning. I genuinely didn’t see anything but did hear a few shouts from what I’m assuming was the United bench for handball, so I have no idea what happened here.

‘58 – GOAL. Who else? God bless Katie Zelem is all I’m saying.

‘61 – Hanson 🔁 Ross. I think this was a good swap. I don’t think Ross was particularly good today, and Hanson immediately sparked that RW. I would have subbed Ross off sooner but that’s my only issue.

’64 – GOAL – Sigsworth with a pretty perfect if slightly scruffy strike from a corner.

A much better corner than previous attempts, and Spurs hadn’t defended any of them particularly well. I think that we have a major issue with set pieces, I dunno what exactly the problem is, whether they need to allocate a new taker or whatever but before today had we scored from a corner all season? Lemme knowwww.

’65 – A few decent chances for Spurs around this time. One pretty clear run in from the right, and one or two shots bounced right of the crossbar and the post. Basically my heart stopped for about 8 mins.

’66 – I DO NOT WANT TO SEE BACK PASSES IN THE BOX AS OPPOSITION PLAYERS SWARM IN. CLEAR IT. I DON’T CARE WHERE IT GOES JUST GET IT OUT. (sorry for the caps but my anxiety was out in force this afternoon)

United started playing much better after both goals, think they just needed a kick up the arse. *Ahem* A confidence boost. 👀 Much better intensity for the final 30 mins than the previous 60 imo.

’68 – Another decent chance for Spurs, with Earps coming way too far off her line than sat right with me. Very lucky nothing came of that.

’69-72 – Around this time I started to get *very* confused between Amy and Abbie cause they both had yellow boots on and literally the only thing I could see on the far side of the pitch was feet. That was fun.

’73 – The wasteful corners made a return. Slightly less panicked about that one considering we were already 2-0 up but still, I would like to see the glaring set piece issue sorted asap thanks girls x

’75ish – Toone 🔁 Groenen. Man I love Jackie Groenen. She really has been immense for us so far, and there’s a definite difference in how we play without her.

’78 – Harris 🔁 M. Turner. I’ve said my piece about Harris above but man, can we take a second to appreciate Millie Turner. She never, ever stops. Literally the heart of our defence.

’86 – GOAL – Oh captain, my captain. Beautiful strike from a free kick just outside the box, with the perfect bend around the wall and subsequently the keeper to make it 3-0.

United were very obviously stronger in the second half, almost looked like a completely different team at times. Whether they just got the hairdryer treatment at the half (I would imagine Casey is terrifying when she’s mad.) or the goals gave them that spark they desperately needed to kick on, they definitely made up for all the missed chances in the first half.

’90 – 4 additional minutes.

’92 – Another United free kick. McManus found herself almost clear in (again!), but due to an unlucky fumble with the ball at her feet unfortunately nothing came from this one. Surely a 4th goal otherwise.

’93 – FIIIIIIIIGHT. Kinda. You love to see it. Spend a little while conducting some, scientific research 🌚 and have concluded that Toone was tackled from behind just as the ball left her feet, which led to the ~scuffle~. Have to say that Amy walking away with Ella was extremely 🥰🥰🥰 (This is my research - https://twitter.com/48hours8/status/1218896406020349953?s=21)

’94 – Red card for Tooney. I would assume for her reaction more than anything but the camera didn’t catch it so I guess we’ll never know. I would have thought a yellow would suffice, considering that’s all the Spurs player in question received, but apparently not. 🤔 I’m still kinda confused tbh.

’95 – Full time.

Thus concludes what was certainly an interesting match. Please enjoy this comparison of United vs Spurs chaotic energy from @danieljamesmufc

Also thanks for reading if you got this far, it’s a bit stop-starty and clunky cause I just wrote down thoughts and whatever as they came into my head and then pieced it all together later on. I also just wanna say that I was massively impressed with Smith today. She hasn’t had many chances to prove herself this season, but that combo of herself and Galton down the left was lethal today imo. 🔥

Some extra thoughts:

I’m not a huge fan (like, at all) of fans singing men’s orientated chants. Let the women’s rivalries develop on their own, in their own way, and don’t drag the vulgarities across! That said, I do think that particular group of United fans has the potential to be a very, very good thing.

Also, just wanna say that these are my girls, and I would die for every single one of them. None of my criticism is meant to be intentionally negative, I just tried to be as objective and realistic as possible, without being a fangirl lol. Even my faves aren’t immune to criticism unfortunately.

And this picture is now my favourite thing ever to exist

[smhtaehyung]

you wouldn't dare // kth one shot (M)

• masterlist

• Summary→ You prove to Taehyung that you can get sexually adventurous by pushing some boundaries between the two of you.

• Pairing → kim taehyung x reader

• Genre→ Smut (dom!reader, sub!tae, masturbation, handjob, overstimulation, swearing, dirty talk, unprotected sex, basically a bit of everything)

• Word count → 4k

The sound of ruffles and soft kisses filled the kitchen as you were pressed against Taehyung, trying to persuade him with desire you felt randomly creep up on you. "C'mon, Taehyung-ie. Just for 5 minutes before they come." You whined, trying to seduce your boyfriend. You pressed yourself onto his crotch, trying to lower his sweats down. He gently moved your fingers away before you could do so and held you by your waist with his big hands. "Since when are you so openly sexual?" He asked with a smirk, slightly giggling at you without any serious thoughts on his mind. You've always been the cuter one out of you and Taehyung, who did things cutely by nature. At least that's what everyone said, not knowing both of yours true sexual eagerness behind closed doors.

You looked up with your glossy doll eyes, catching his comforting stare he sent to you. You pouted once realising he's not willing to fool around with you before Jimin and Jungkook come home to watch a movie with the two of you. "We can fool around later, baby. No need to rush it now." He softly smiled and pressed a kiss onto your forehead. You slightly rolled your eyes, hating the fact how he lost his ways of being sexually eager in situations similar to these. "You're the cute one, Y/N. You wouldn't dare to do such a thing." Taehyung spoke and walked past you with a bowl of chips in his hands. You parted your mouth open, feeling a bit of a shocked and a daring feeling rush through your veins. You cocked your head to the side and sent a serious death glare to the wall in front of you. "We'll see about that." You whispered to yourself, getting frustrated at his words.

The door suddenly unlocked and Jimin and Jungkook walked inside, giggling to a joke that you and Taehyung couldn't read off. He casually greeted the guys from the couch as they were taking their shoes and coats off. You walked over to them with a big smile, slightly forcing your kindness and cuteness to make Taehyung wonder why. Jungkook was the first one to walk over to Taehyung as he comfortably sat on the couch next to him. You immediately started joking with them, friendly punching Jimin's shoulder who was still near the door as he talked with you. You could feel Taehyung's heavy stare on you, observing the way you were almost flirting with Jimin. You knew what that stare meant. The stare of possessiveness and greed to have you all for himself. The stare he'd send you many times when he'd get jealous. The stare he'd send you when he would began fast fucking into you to make sure that he was all you needed.

You casually glanced at Taehyung who had looked down to stop himself from staring at you. He tried to focus on what Jungkook was telling him, but his mind was focusing hard only on you. As you laughed at Jimin's joke, the two of you made your way to the couch and plopped down, playfully snapping your attention to Taehyung and Jungkook. Jimin sat on the soft wool carpet on the floor as he leaned his back against the couch. Jungkook sat above Jimin and crossed his legs, offering Jimin to rest his head on his legs. The two of them got comfortable, reaching the chips that were on the table. You sat next to Taehyung who was already covering himself with a blanket. Playing many roles, you tried to appeal to him now, pushing your cute side to the maximum. You knew well how you were going to trick him and made him regret what he had said about you. He still felt a bit jealous, but slightly melted under your stare as he shared his blanket with you. He looked down and tried to focus on the TV as you adjusted some kind of a thriller drama to start playing. “Ohhh, I heard this one’s good, noona.” Jungkook spoke, loving your taste in movies. Jimin sent you a playful thumbs up of approval, making you giggle. You looked back at Taehyung who began having the same look he had a minute ago. You curled your lip into a cocky smile as you snuggled close to his shoulder. The movie began playing, the louder noises coming from the speakers, making you snap your attention to the screen. As you were focused on the movie, you realised Taehyung wasn’t as captivated. Because after only a few minutes he began whispering to your ear. “Y/N, are you doing that on purpose?” He whispered in a soft tone, now feeling slightly unsure. You giggled in a pleased manner, trying to hide the way you were enjoying Taehyung’s jealous manners. You observed his pure facial expressions, that quickly replaced his possessive one. You hated the way he switched his mood so easily, because the jealous and possessive tendencies managed to turn you on almost every time. As soon as a fire pit was created in your stomach, he would cut it off by his big puppy eyes that replaced his previous hooded ones with hunger. Wanting him to act a bit more serious and jealous, you sneaked your hand down to his leg and gripped the inside of his thigh through a soft fabric, making him slightly shift off his seat.

He began blinking a bit faster as he slightly gulped. You started kneading the soft flesh of his inner thigh, knowing it would make blood rush between his legs. He slightly coughed, glancing at Jimin and Jungkook in a panicked manner. “Nervous?” You whispered into his ear with a cold tone as you turned your attention to the screen, still doing the same motion. He tried to remain calm, his hands desperate to get himself out of the soon to be complicated situation. “Y-Y/N.” He mumbled a breath out, trying to stop you with his hands. You gripped his wrists under the covers and moved them away, moving your hand more up his thigh as you continued to stroke it and knead it with your palms. He began looking down to his covered dick and up to the screen, glancing if the guys were focused enough on the movie. “Here’s what’s going to happen, Tae.” You whispered into his ear, making him fall under your touch as you felt his hardened member brush against your thumb. “I’m going to take your big cock in my hand and jerk you off, right here, right now.” You spoke in a dirty manner, making him surprised at your sudden sexual eagerness. Your whispers aroused Taehyung, making him remember how good it can be when you’re under full control of him. The danger of the situation aroused him even more, making your panties slightly dampen. “You wouldn’t dare.” Taehyung breathed out, licking his lip once he felt himself becoming more and more hard each second. You provokingly giggled, your eyes hungrily staring at him. “Funny you keep saying that-” You spoke and before you continued, you grabbed his now fully erected member and wrapped your hand around it carefully. Taehyung froze from the sudden action, just waiting for you to begin moving your hand up and down him. He glanced at you with an unsure look, your confidence driving him insane. “-when I’d fuck you in front of them with no hesitation. But you can only handle this much.” You finished your sentence as you pressed a kiss onto his neck. The movie began playing out louder scenes, making both Jimin and Jungkook fully focus on the movie. “Tell me, would I dare to do this?” You whispered as you moved your hand up to his tip and brushed it with your thumb. You began brushing his entire tip, making him leak precum with just a few motions. He slightly coughed to cover his groans, trying to pretend he’s focusing on the screen like you were. “Careful, baby. You don’t want to bring any attention to yourself.” You spoke to him, making him shake off the desperate urge to moan your name out.

He just stared at you, observing everything you were doing. You spread his precum down his entire length, making it easier for your hand to slide up and down his now pulsating member. The sound of the room was filled with loud glass breaking coming from the movie, making Taehyung’s eyes shot in Jimin’s and Jungkook’s direction with every move they made. “or would I even dare to do this?” You spoke and as you unexpectedly began jerking him off fast, moving your hand up and down him in a fast motion, catching him completely unready. He shut his eyes and bit down on his lip, trying to steady his breaths to not moan or groan. He began slightly moving his hips, completely not prepared with your fast hand motions. The wet sounds were almost isolated by the loud movie, making him observe the thick covers that with every third of your motion showed your hand movement through it. As the movie got slightly quiet, you slowed down your hand movement, casually focusing your eyes onto the TV screen. You switched between the pace, moving your hand faster and slower every few seconds.

“Fuck, why are you like this?“ He whispered in a sudden hungry manner, making you softly giggle. You began circling your wrist up and down him, making his dick slightly twitch. Suddenly, Taehyung’s eyes shot in panic towards the other end of the couch to Jungkook, once he heard him speak.“Taehyungie-hyung, do you like the movie too?“ Jungkook asked in a amused smile, slowly turning his head towards Taehyung’s direction. You stopped your hand movements and instead gripped the base of his dick, only making him more eager. Taehyung half blinked and managed to answer his question as you focused on the screen, pretending to ignore. “Y-yes. I’m focused a lot on it.“ Taehyung nervously giggled, managing to focus on his great acting of being interested and focused on the screen. “Aww, I’m so glad you like it, honey.“ You switched to your signature cute role as you acted too, planting a kiss to his lips. Taehyung twitched once your hand made a slight movement, making him almost lose his calmness. “Hyung, why do they always kiss in front of us, isn’t it-” Jungkook tried to complain about it to Jimin, but he cut him off immediately. “Ah, Jungkook. Let them be. You’ll understand it one day.” Jimin teased him in a childish manner, giggling to us. “Hyung, I’m not a child.” Jungkook defended himself, only making Jimin laugh even more. Taehyung agitatedly observed the two of them, wanting their conversation to end fast so you could continue what you were doing. You observed his annoyed expression and as soon as he looked at you, you whispered to him. “I would even dare to do this.” You spoke and began stroking him up and down and brushing his tip, making him hate the way he was listening to Jimin’s and Jungkook’s conversation. He slightly parted his mouth from the sensation, but stopped himself once Jungkook’s head flinched towards him again. “We do many things in front of them-” You spoke to him, but Taehyung immediately cut you off, scared your voice was a bit too loud. “F-fine, Jungkook-ie. We’ll try not to kiss anymore in front of you.” Taehyung teased, making you impressed how well he was doing. “Can we continue watching a movie, pl-please?”  Taehyung spoke and managed to turn his attention to the screen, ignoring your hand perfectly wrapped around him. Jungkook and Jimin giggled and turned their attention to the TV screen, immediately immersed by another action scene. “You’re doing so well, Tae. I wouldn’t stop now.” You whispered to him, stroking him faster. He shut his eyes and parted his mouth slightly. “Don’t stop.” He breathed out into your ear, making the fire pit in your stomach grow.

To prove him wrong and to get your revenge, an idea sparked up in your mind. You stroke Taehyung fast, observing his hungry look that stared up and down you every few seconds. Noticing his quickened breaths, you realised his orgasm was approaching. “Now, because you underestimated me, you’re going to cum in your underwear.” You whispered so easily, making him immediately snap his attention towards you in disapproval. “What? Y/N, no.” He whispered in a panicked manner, but before he could stop you, you slid his underwear back on and rubbed your palm harshly against his tip, the sensitivity making him reach his climax. He shut his eyes and you stopped rubbing his tip as soon as you felt his cum seep through his underwear and sweats. He shut his eyes and bit on your shoulder, pretending to be resting his head on it. His bite excited you even more, but the dominant side that was always present inside of you found a reason to make him pay for that too. He threw his head back and focused on the screen, the numbness after his orgasm washing over him. You positioned himself by laying on his shoulder, leaning against him. He stared at you and giggled, loving the way Jungkook and Jimin were completely oblivious to what just happened. “I didn’t know you’d ever do that.” He spoke as he stroked your upper arm. You coldly moved his hand away, focusing on the screen. “Just wait for the movie to end. I’m not done proving my point, Tae.” You spoke and felt his heart skip a beat. 

You actually paid attention to the rest of the movie, but felt Taehyung uncomfortably shift as his sticky underwear and sweats made him really eager to take them off. He tried to squeeze your ass here and there but you’d slap his hand, trying to show your untouchable and cocky side, trying to show your possessiveness too. Taehyung excitedly got up once the move ended, wishing a good night to both sleepy and pleased Jimin and Jungkook. You smiled their way and tried to ignore Taehyung, who nagged you to hurry up. “It was a really fun movie, Y/N.” Jimin complimented, making you smile. “You’re picking out the next one, deal?” You spoke and pointed at his direction, only to hear Jungkook teasing Jimin for his “bad taste in movies.” You wished them a good night as they went into separate rooms. You looked around and noticed Taehyung already went to your shared bedroom, making you quickly rush through the door. You shut the door and he immediately turned his attention to you as he was just about to tug his sweats down. “I didn’t tell you to take them off.” You spoke as you walked over to him. He was completely immersed in your confidence and dominance, letting you do whatever. You pushed him down onto the bed, making him fall onto the soft pillows. You climbed on top of him as he positioned himself to lean against the headboard. He observed the way your skirt slightly hitched up, finding himself go through a wave of arousal all over again.

He gripped your upper thigh but you slapped his arm away. “You shouldn’t have bitten me, Taehyung-ah.” You spoke as you left kisses onto his neck. You removed his t-shirt, still leaving his uncomfortable and sticky sweats and underwear on. “I know, I’m sorry, baby.” He spoke as he tried to stroke your hips, but you moved away. ”You know how I can get when we’re all alone, Tae. Why would you say that I wouldn’t dare to do such a thing?” You spoke and crawled on all fours closer to him, cupping his crotch with your right hand. He moaned once he felt your touch and kissed your lips, trying to immediately slip his skillful tongue inside. You moved away and massaged his balls through his sweats, making him shift up and down. You let go and observed his face that was filled with desperation and eagerness. “You’re so bad, Y/N. I love that.” He said as he bit his lip, using praises to make you continue. You began unbuttoning your shirt, making him palm himself from seeing you undress yourself slowly. You slapped his hand away and moved your head down to his crotch, making him groan once your nose accidentally brushed off his almost hard member. You tugged down at his sweats, making him love the relief and the sudden easier feeling. You threw the sweats off the bed and observed the sight in front of you. The centre of his boxers had a colour change as you moved closer to observe it better. You played with the hem of his boxers, making his abdomen clench and his dick twitch. You peeked inside and noticed his dried off cum got stuck to the fabric and was attached to his tip, making you giggle as you slowly detached it from his strained length. He was now fully hard, loving the way of non stickiness attached to his skin anymore. You placed a kiss onto his bare tip as you pulled off his boxers, making him slightly moan from your gentle movements. But then you decided to no longer be gentle. “Don’t you have a better answer than that, baby? Why do you underestimate me?” You hungrily whispered, making him shiver. “I don’t, Y/N. But maybe after tonight I’ll have a reason to not underestimate you anymore.” He hungrily teased, provokingly trying to get what he wants. “So, you’re still not convinced?” You spoke, grinding against his hard member with our clothed clit. “N-no.” He mumbled, quite sure of himself.

“Okay, then. I’ll show it to you.“ You spoke and as soon as you felt his hands touch you, you slapped them away. “No touching.“ You spoke and reached for the two of his ties that were positioned on his nightstand as he tried them out today for tomorrow’s shoot. “You wouldn’t dare.“ He spoke with a smirk, loving your kinkiness, yet hating the fact he wouldn’t be able to grip your hips, something he always loved as you’d be positioned on top of him. “I knew you were going to say that, dickhead.“ You shook your head and took his wrist in your hand as he let you guide his arm to the side of the headboard. You tied his wrist to the bed frame to the left, observing at him licking his lips in a slightly nervous manner. You took his other wrist in your hand and did the same, leaving him all submissive before your eyes. You moved away from him and began stripping off, slowly taking off each clothing item from your body. He began desperately shifting and moving his hips up and down, his pulsating hard cock lacking contact. He observed you hungrily, loving the way your ass slipped out of your skirt as you pulled it down. The skirt fell to your knees, making him observe your lacy grey underwear that had a slight change of colour from your dripping wetness. You slowly unbuttoned your white shirt as you kept looking into Taehyung’s eyes, noticing his growing impatience each second. He began twitching, desperate for any kind of a touch. You slid off your grey panties, leaving yourself in the matching bra that perfectly shaped your breasts. “Y/N, please. Just t-touch it.“ He desperately mumbled once he saw your figure approaching him. There were a few beads of sweat breaking across his forehead and chest, making you notice his way of suffering. he tried to break free but as soon as he could make contact with you he began grinding onto the air, hoping he’d reach you. You sat on the edge of the bed and leaned against the bed frame, spreading your legs wide. Taehyung’s hungry eyes observed your wet folds, making him lick his lips at the thought of how you’d taste. 

Your hand sneaked its way down to your clit, driving him insane from the sight in front of him. “I wouldn’t dare, wouldn’t I?” You teased, circling with your fingers around your clit. “Y/N, ahh.” He moaned out, leaking precum and coating himself almost entirely. You unclasped your bra and began kneading your breast with your palm, feeling your nipple harden under your palm. You continued rubbing yourself, founding yourself moaning out his name. “Taehyung.” You moaned out, loving the way of his desperate glare in front of you. He began desperately call your name out, begging for a touch. Not wanting to tease the both of you, you removed your hand and crawled to him, making him get all excited once he felt your leg brush against his thigh. “Now, I’m going to fuck you till you cry for me, okay, baby?” You spoke to him, licking his earlobe. He moaned out once feeling the slightest touch, making his submissive side completely take over him. He nodded and desperately tried to rub against your thigh. You moved away and when he expected it the least, you dug his entire length into you, immediately grinding against him. “Ahh, relax, you’re t-too tight.” He moaned out, shutting his eyes over the sensitivity. You began grinding against him once you felt yourself relaxed and stretched out more. Wanting more, you began grinding hard on him, making him hit the sweet spot inside of you. You started to roll your hips, taking him inside of you faster and faster. He uncontrollably moaned over the switch of pace, making you only fuck him harder. “F-fuck, Y/N.” He moaned out, feeling you purposely clench around him. You began bouncing on top of him, moaning his name out every time he hit the back of you. He felt himself coming apart quicker than you, his rock hard cock ready to burst inside of you. He clenched his strained fists, desperate to take control of you.  His moans quickened, becoming more sensitive every second. You only kept going faster, loving the way his big length filled you up completely. Taehyung threw his head back and felt himself reaching his climax. He looked up and soon shut his eyes as you rode him hard through his orgasm. You felt his cum fill you up and some of it drip out of you, making you moan at the sensation. “Wait, I’m c-cumming.” He tried to make you slow down but you still grinded hard on him, desperate for your release. His hard cock still filled you up, making you drain every drop of cum out of him. The oversensitivity drove him over the edge, making his deep groans turn to high pitched moans. He shut his eyes and felt tears forming on the corners. “Just a little bit more, b-baby. I’m so close.” You moaned out as you kept balance by leaning your palms on his chest, grinding hard against him. You sped up your pace, feeling your orgasm get so close. Taehyung moaned at the oversensitivity as his eyes prickled up from tears, making his mouth part open.

The sight of him being exactly what you imagined and wanted drove you over the edge, and as you rode him for a few more seconds you felt your orgasm violently wash over you. You clenched hard and felt Taehyung cum inside of you the remains he had once he felt you clench around him, draining him completely. You fell next to him as you plopped onto his chest, both of you letting out fucked out breaths. You managed to untie both of his wrists, making him immediately slide down onto the pillow. He Pulled you back onto his chest and began giggling. “Lesson of the day: watch what you say.” You giggled and spoke to him, both of you changing to your cute ways. “Will do, Y/N. Will do.” He spoke and planted a kiss onto your forehead, loving the way you felt in his arms after no longer being restrained from touching you.

[lavieendonna]

Brushwork || ArtMajor!Calum AU (Chapter 16)

Summary: An Art Major AU where Dallas - third year gawky art student at VCA -  makes a deal with Calum - her cute new neighbour and project partner - and they spend the semester learning that the perfect masterpiece takes a whole lot of brushwork.

Date: 3 September 2016 Requested: i mean i guess?????? not officially.  Pairing: Calum + Dallas Words: 4.4K jesus  Warnings: fluffy fluffy fluffy calum goodness (oh, and there is a mention of sexual assault near the beginning)  A/N: I really hope you guys are proud of me this month/months. This is the 3rd chapter I’ve updated in the span of like 2 weeks. I haven’t been this fast since I first started posting. I’m proud of me, and I appreciate everybody who has had a hand in helping my inspiration and motivation and to anyone who just reads because the love it. Big love xo 

Check out my ‘Brushwork’ inspiration tag x Let me know if you want to be messaged when the next update of ‘Brushwork’ is available x 

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Chapter 16: I Settled For Saying That Instead Because It Was Less Dramatic And Less Of A Giveaway That I Would Jump Off Of A Cliff If He Told Me It Would Make Him Happy.

Isabelle hadn’t slept over since earlier in my second year at VCA. It was different now than it was back then – Polly used to be a part of it, and together the three of us would be up ‘til all hours of the morning talking shit and drinking wine and doing each other’s hair. It was real slumber party happenings in our student apartment, but now it was… quiet.

“Is Polly even here?” B wondered out loud around 11pm. We were curled up in my bed binge watching Game of Thrones since we were both ridiculously behind (I’m talking entire seasons, here). She had a Costco sized packet of peanut M&M’s and I had the Ben & Jerry’s. Every now and then we’d swap over, but she had a tendency to hog the chocolate so we were long overdue. That’s why Polly had come up in conversation – she was good at mediating the snacks.

“I don’t actually know.” I admitted. “Probably at work.” It was dark but I felt like I could see Isabelle raise her eyebrow at the idea of Polly having a job.

“At the pub?” She questioned. Polly used to work at the local pub last year, and it didn’t occur to me that Isabelle wouldn’t have known that she quit that job a few months ago.

“No, no.” I said, trying to recall the story. “Well, yeah, but a different one. She left the other pub a few months ago. Her boss was sexually harassing her.”

“Whoa, her boss?”

“Yeah.”

“The middle-aged white lady?”

“Yep.”

“Blonde hair, always blown-out, really bad regrowth and ridiculous fake lashes?”

“The one and the same.”

“Huh.” She paused. “I didn’t think… well, she didn’t seem… the type?” I wanted to laugh at Belle’s shock, but I was much the same when Pol first mentioned it.

“Neither.” I snorted darkly. “Turns out white women become sexual predators a lot more often than we thought.”

“I’ll say.” Belle huffed, but it seemed off again. Not so much like she didn’t care that Polly had experienced harassment, but the same thing as earlier – just the mention of Polly seemed to bug her. I wanted to ask about it, but I got the feeling she was just going to tell me to buzz off.

“Are you okay?” I settled for asking quietly, almost afraid that I’d left it too long to ask and she’d fallen asleep (despite the graphic death scenes flashing before our eyes). But her breathing was still even and I felt her shrug against my shoulder.

“I’m okay.” She mumbled and then picked up the PlayStation remote to turn up the volume. I sat there with anxiety for a couple more hours as I finished the ice-cram and, eventually, drifted off into a restless sleep.

We both woke up the next morning to my phone blaring obnoxiously loud. It was too early for my alarm to be going off, which meant somebody thought it was a brilliant idea to call me at (I fished out the contraption from somewhere between the sheets) 6 in the morning. My eyes weren’t open enough to see who it was, so I just answered the damn thing before Belle started swearing at me.

“Please tell me you have a good reason for calling me right this second.” I grumbled out, teetering on the edge of sleep despite my predicament, and internally hoping it wasn’t my mother or someone who would take an equal amount of offence to me answering the phone like that.

“I’m sorry!” I could almost see his sheepish grin now. “I know it’s early. But Diaz is sick, he sent the email last night.”

“So… no class?” I asked, my voice almost cheerful. Calum waking me up at 6 o’clock in the morning was almost worth hearing the news.

“No class.” I could hear the smile in the Māori boy’s voice. “Breakfast instead? I was thinking we could finally work on the mural together today. We might even finish if we haul ass.” I chuckled weakly and yawned before I had a chance to say anything. Part of me wanted to say no and curl over and go back to bed. But the other part of me – the smarter part – was too giddy to think of anything to say that wasn’t ‘fuck yeah’. I didn’t say that, but I did yawn one more time.

“Uh, yeah alright.” I sat up and used my free hand to rub my eye (and smear my already smeared eyeliner from yesterday).

“Sweet.” Calum was smiling again, I knew it. “I’ll meet you at the door in half an hour?” I yawned again and Calum laughed. “Hopefully you’ll be awake properly by then.”

“Whatever.” I said but I laughed weakly too. “I’ll see you soon.” I didn’t really wait for Calum to reply before I hung up, but he probably didn’t mind. Much.

“Who the fuck was that?” Isabelle grumbled out in her raspy morning voice that, admittedly, was a lot sexier than mine.

“Calum.” I told her. “We’re going to go work on the mural.”

“At this hour of the morning?!” I felt like if we were awake properly and it wasn’t so damn early in the morning, my sister would be yelling at me.

“Yeah, class got cancelled.” I explained, looking around the room to find where I’d abandoned my jeans. I couldn’t find the ones from yesterday, weirdly enough, so I found a different pair of light-wash skinny jeans that were ripped at the knees and paired it with an old, over-sized grey Draco Malfoy tee that already had paint all over it from previous projects.

“Do you want to come?” I asked when I realised Belle would be here on her own to face the wrath of Polly (I assumed Polly had wrath, anyway). But she didn’t reply with words, so much as a muffled snore. I turned to look over my shoulder and, naturally, the girl had passed out again.

I snuck out as quietly as I could, grabbing my bag with my sketch book and colour swatches, my wallet, phone and keys in my hands before I slipped into a pair of worn-in black flats and tip-toed out of my bedroom, trying as hard as I could to make as little sounds as possible (which, obviously, was impossible considering it’s me we’re talking about. I dropped about a million things and actually swore kind of loudly when I hit my hip on the corner of my dresser).

There was a part of me was waiting for Polly to be sitting in a swivelling chair out in the living room, turning on the lights dramatically as she swung around in her reveal and demanded to know where I was going. Because that was definitely something she would do – knowing her, she’d even borrow somebody’s cat and go full Godfather on my ass. But, again, that smarter part of me knew that was ridiculous, and that I didn’t really owe her this one either. Polly had a flair for the dramatic, and being so invested in my life wasn’t a right.

I finally made it out of the front door, and as promised, Calum was waiting on the other side, beaming at me like he’d been awake for hours. He was in similar get-up to mine – dark skinny jeans, spotted with paint and ripped a few times at the knees and thighs, and a red flannel, that looked kind of too big for his limbs, thrown over a similarly paint-sotted black tank. It annoyed me a little bit, too, because he looked so damn good, even in flip-flops, and I looked like a toddler from day-care.  

“I hope you know breakfast is on you.” I took for telling him over my shoulder while I locked up, trying to mask my frustration as being because of the hour of the morning and not because of my growing butterflies. “You don’t get to wake me up this early and not feed me.” Calum laughed and when I turned around to greet him properly, it was almost as if he was smirking at me, but like… fondly. I didn’t even know that was possible and yet here he was, making it a thing.

“Yeah, alright, that’s fair.” He chuckled at me with a nod before pulling me in for a ‘good morning’ hug which, you know, wasn’t overly unusual. What was out of the ordinary was that he pressed his lips to my temple and held me just longer than he normally would have, and that kind of sent me into a bit of a puddle. My knees were shaking so much I was pretty sure he could feel the trembling, too. “Cold?” He asked, and that’s when I knew for sure that he could. I just nodded with pursed lips, too scared to open my mouth in case I vomited on his feet. Not at them. On them.

“One sec.” He let me go and I desperately started to wipe my hands on my jeans on the off chance he miraculously wanted to hold hands at some point. I mean, if he was smart he wouldn’t. But everyone was under the impression we were “something” and I was under the impression that if two people like us were “something” then usually the “something’s” would hold hands at some point. I really kind of hoped that wouldn’t be today.

Anyway, Calum had disappeared for a short moment back into his apartment, and just as I was about to ask what the hell he was doing, he remerged with a black Dickies hoodie in hand.

“Here.” He said, offering me the sweatshirt with a fairly neutral expression. I just stared at it for a moment, bewildered at his complete underestimation of how much I would overthink everything he did for me from the moment he decided he liked me.

“I could have done that myself, you know.” I took to saying when he nudged the soft fabric at my goose-bump-covered arm. Calum just shrugged, totally unfussed.

“Eh, you’d already locked up.” Was his justification and then he grinned the lazy grin I kind of loved and I rolled my eyes at it to stop myself from melting any further.

“Well, thanks.” I laughed, handing him my bag while I pulled the hoodie over my head. It was kind of big, and I had to roll the sleeves back a little so my hands would be free, but it was warm and it smelled like Calum and I actually kind of forgot to be nervous the moment I pulled my hair out from inside and took my bag back from Calum who was watching me carefully. “How do I look?” I gave him a cheeky pose.

“I didn’t realise how much smaller than me you were.” He noted. “But it looks good.” I blushed again, but before I could say ‘thanks’ again he cut me off with a very serious look. “I want it back, by the way.” I bunched the collar up over my nose and mouth, shaking my head wildly.

“Nuh-uh. I like it.” I said, muffled but the soft fleece on the inside. “I want it.”

“I’ll buy you your own.” Calum said pointedly as we made our way out of the building. “But that one is the only one I have left that isn’t so scratchy.” I gave a loud laugh.

“Wow.” I deadpanned. “The only reason you won’t let me keep it is because it’s the least shitty one you own. No sentimental value at all?” I stared at him wide-eyed and teasingly. Calum rolled his eyes and I think he was even pouting a little bit.

“No, there is…” He mumbled, refusing to look at me. I bit my lip, holding in the laugh. “My mum bought it for me before I moved to Melbourne.”

I was still laughing about Calum being a Mama’s Boy when we reached the only on-campus place that served breakfast food – and to our displeasure, that was Bitters. We weren’t too keen on shitty tasting coffee and stale toast, but we were lazy and didn’t exactly want to walk any further than we needed to either. We chose the lesser of the evils – sometimes ass-tasting coffee wasn’t the biggest problem in the world.

The whole time we talked and joked (and Calum teased me about my various scars and bruises from our last early morning), I couldn’t get over how normal this was starting to feel. Early mornings with Calum, breakfast with Calum, conversations that were leading nowhere with no meaning whatsoever, while simultaneously seeming to bleed some kind of hidden wisdom that we would come to realise a little bit later. The butterflies never went away, but instead of making me feel sick it was almost like it was a comfortable encouragement that maybe, just maybe, nothing was going to immediately go wrong this time.

I was scaring myself a little bit, actually, how weirdly okay with this I was. I still trembled a little bit whenever Calum’s ankles brushed mine under the table, and my blood still settled deep in my cheeks whenever he complimented me or hinted slightly that he had feelings for me more than ‘yeah she’s pretty alright, let’s test a theory’. But it was becoming easier to ignore them – or, at least, rationalise with myself that maybe there was a chance that the world wouldn’t end if I felt a little bit safe with Calum. This was a big step for me. The last time I felt involuntarily safe around this guy I freaked out and threw myself into a spiral of depression, just about killing myself in my own stench when I refused to shower. Right now, I was seriously impressed that I hadn’t tried to smother myself in my bed covers. Or hang myself with my own hair.

“Hey, did you ever end up figuring out what tattoo you want yet?” Calum suddenly asked, excited, and snapping me out of my deep train of thought with a fright. I flinched. I knew that eventually we would end up talking about this again, and I was ridiculously underprepared for it.

“Uh, no…” I gave a tight-lipped grimace and Calum’s face fell, disappointed.

“What? Why?” He asked, and if I didn’t know him better I would have thought maybe he was actually kind of offended. I shrugged, my face contorted into some kind of frown crossed with a pout.

“I just…?!” I gave a defeated laugh, burying my face in my hands as I leant my elbows on the table in front of me.  Calum laughed, his hands grabbing my wrists and pulling my hands away so he could look at my face with raised eyebrows.

“Just what?” He asked me.

I sighed. “Alright, honestly? Most of it is that I just forgot.” I admitted and Calum raised a thick brow at me.

“Uh... what?” He was struggling for words, I could see it. “How do you forget to design a tattoo?” I shrugged again through a kind of uncomfortable laugh. Calum’s hands were still kind of wrapped around mine, our fingers some kind of intertwined together on top of the table. ‘This is how!’ I felt like screaming. ‘You are the reason I forget my own fucking name half the time!’

“I don’t know.” I settled for saying that instead because it was less dramatic and less of a giveaway that I would jump off of a cliff if he told me it would make him happy. “Things have been kind of… busy, I guess. Kind of.”

“Have they?” Calum questioned me, not so much challenging the statement but more so as if he genuinely hadn’t realised that – surprise! – student life can get kind of full on sometimes.

“I mean… well, yeah.”  I said, leaning back against my chair, leaving my hands beneath Calum’s. I tried to convince myself that it was for warmth, but I was already wearing his hoodie so that didn’t really work out very well. “The mural has been kinda kicking our asses, and the same with my other classes... Plus there’s this whole thing with Polly, and my sister, and my mother and Ashton and work – it’s just…” I trailed off my sentence because it was becoming impossible to finish it without giving myself an anxiety attack. My heart rate was already starting to spike (although, that could have been the caffeine).

“Jesus.” Calum mumbled under his breath, and I nodded my head in agreement while I mumbled a quiet ‘yeah’. “Hold up, your sister? What about your sister?”

“She’s here.” I said simply, thinking back to yesterday morning when she arrived and how weird it was that she’d come unannounced.

“Here, as in, ‘on campus’ here?” Calum asked and I nodded.

“Yeah, she was still sleeping when I left.” I said with a small smile that lasted only a second or two. “I think she’s been having a hard time. I didn’t know she was coming and she seemed kind of off yesterday.”

“Oh.” Calum paused, and I could see the gears grinding in his head from across the table. “If… I mean, you should have said.” He said with a small frown of worry. “If I’d known B was here I would have let you spend some time with her.” I shook my head, waving Calum off immediately. I mean, it was sweet that he was worried about her and about me not spending time with her – but, honestly, this was probably going to be more interesting than anything my sister and I would have come up with to do today.

“Nah, don’t stress.” I told him carefully. “I took her out to lunch yesterday and we had a good talk. And she slept over last night, so I think she’s okay now.”

“If you’re sure.” He said carefully, and then between the two of us we decided that if we had any more coffee we were going to shit our pants.

We gathered our things and, as promised (read: threatened), Calum paid for our meals. I said thank you, even though I’d made him do it, and Calum rolled his eyes at me and continued to dish it back until we’d reached the storage studio where all our paints were, and again until we’d reached the mural.

And we kept talking shit for an hour or so, each of us on one end of the mural and working on the detailing. Eventually we just stopped talking, both of us lost in our own little world of paint and tutus and faceless ballerinas.

“Can I ask you something?” Calum asked me, seemingly out of nowhere, around 10am. He was still sitting up on a step ladder, working on the final ballerina while I was sitting down on the ground and doing detailing on the background in the first section of the wall.

“Is that the question?” I replied with a small chuckle, mostly to myself because I was really on a roll today and it was putting me in a good mood. The quiet was nice, and being quiet with Calum was a lot more comforting than I thought it would be. Turns out, Calum was the kind of guy that didn’t make the silence awkward. He seemed just as content with it as I was – except for now, where I could sense that something was on his mind.

“Ha, ha.” He deadpanned. “I’m serious.” I looked over at him and his expression toward me was pointed. I just nodded back, curious, but also moderately terrified. Calum stared down at me, not concerned or worried, not even angry or upset. He looked more confused than anything. Like he was trying to figure me out or something.

“Why don’t you want to be the ballerina?”

I wasn’t sure why I wasn’t expecting him to ask, but I wasn’t, and the longer he stared at me waiting for my reply, the more uncomfortable I was starting to get. I shifted under the weight of his stare, looking away and turning back to my piece of wall that was meant to look like a shadow (though it was starting to look more like a brown blob than anything).

“I, uh…” I cleared my throat, suddenly unsure of what to say. And I stayed quiet for some time, trying to find the right truth.

“Dallas?” He prompted. I gave a small sigh, and offered a small, tight lipped smile. Not necessarily to Calum, but just into the space between us.

“I, um. I just… don’t think I am up to that kind of standard.” I settled for saying, and when I said the words out loud I knew they were true. I could see Calum not understanding, the look in his eyes almost more confused than they were before, and I bit my lip, trying to find a way to make him understand. “Ballerinas are… perfection.” I explained. “And I’m…” I gave a nearly wild shrug, kind of gesturing to all of myself in the hopes that he’d get it – that I was just me, and that no matter how many time I re-gathered the pieces of me that fell apart, I was never going to find the same peace in my mistakes. I wasn’t upset about it, I’d learnt to accept who I was a long time ago. I just didn’t understand why Calum was so intent on thinking I was any different.

“You’re pretty great, Dal.” He said softly, and I nearly didn’t hear him because he was so high up. My head snapped up to where I could see him, and when I looked he was smiling softly at me, the way he did when I knew he’d been watching me for longer than I’d been looking at him. I just rolled my eyes at him and turned away again, wishing that I hadn’t tied my hair up into its bun so it would be easier to hide my blush.

“Right.” I huffed. I didn’t believe him, but I couldn’t help smiling as if I did. The familiar warmness, the butterflies… it was almost exciting, if I thought about it from the right angle.

It wasn’t long until Calum spoke again.

“Are you nervous for showcase?” He asked, less serious now and the air between us a little lighter. I shrugged.

“I’m always nervous.” I said pointedly and the boy didn’t even laugh which offended me slightly (but only slightly – it was a fair point, he didn’t need to be a genius to see I was completely terrified by life). “But yeah, I guess so. I mean, I only have the mural reveal that night. But still.” I gave another shrug, content with my answer and Calum seemed to accept it too. When I looked back up at him he seemed lost in his art again, one brush in his mouth, his pallet in his left hand as he concentrated deeply on the beading of the final tutu.

“Are you?” I asked, relaxing for a bit, letting my posture slouch as I looked up to Calum’s great height.

“Hmm?” He murmured.

“Nervous.” I clarified. “About showcase.” He didn’t reply for what felt like forever. I couldn’t tell if he was just distracted by the art or if he was thinking, the way I did. I’d turned back to my pallet and started painting again by the time Calum replied.

“I don’t think so.” He said conclusively, and I’d almost forgotten what I’d asked already. “We… well, look at this. We’ve done some amazing work.” I hummed in agreement. Showcase was in just over a week, and even though we were still so behind, what we had was pretty damn cool. “My folio is being displayed in the library, too.”

“Really?” I was surprised at how exciting that sounded to me. Calum nodded and he seemed to beam down on me like the walking embodiment of the sun that he was.

“I can’t wait for you to see it.” He said, and I was just so blown away by his confidence. I’d never seen someone so… in their element. It was… hell, it was kind of inspirational if I was honest.

“So you’re not nervous?” I asked again with a crooked smile. “At all?” He shook his head with a small chuckle.

“Nah.” He waved me off. “I’ve got bigger things to be nervous about.” His smile turned into a tiny smirk, and from where I was sitting it looked like he shot me a wink. I snorted unattractively, biting my lip so I didn’t laugh in his face (figuratively, of course. There was still six feet and a step ladder between us, you see).

“Are… Are you talking about our date?!” I asked, completely bewildered, at this point, at the look of seemingly genuine anxiety inside the boy’s chocolate eyes.

“It is still happening, right?” He asked fearfully and I couldn’t help the eyebrow quirk.

“Uh, yeah.” I managed to chuckle out before his worries started to catch on, and my ability to jump to the worst conclusions got the better of me. “Why, do you not want it to?” I asked, all traces of amusement slipping from my face, and a whole new level of panic rising in Calum’s.

“No!” He said almost too quickly, and he immediately realised what that sounded like and tried to correct it before I had a stroke and died the night before our first official date. “Shit, n-no… Argh, yes! I mean yes!” He closed his eyes for a second and took a breath, letting it out in a small laugh of his own that wasn’t really making me feel better, but he was trying, and that was the main thing.

“I do still want it to happen.” He explained through that small crooked, awkwardly adorable smile. “I’m just… well, I’m kinda nervous.” I shook my head, looking away and trying to hide my blush yet again.

“You don’t have to be nervous, Cal.” I said quietly. I shrugged again before I looked back up at him – but only for a moment. “It’s just me.”

“It’s more than just you, Dallas.” He drawled out, and when I looked up with a cocked eyebrow, Calum was wearing that same pointed look from before. “Anyway, I’m excited too. I like spending time with you.”

The grin I gave back was slow and crooked and filled with warmth and I couldn’t stop it even though I was trying my hardest.

“Me too.” I said simply. My heart was racing again, and it had nothing to do with the caffeine.

[13thfloornz]

Hans Zimmer is not what I expected.  I thought he’d be a controlled man, perhaps dour, even distant producer/ businessman/ and money-making-possibly-soulless-gouged-by-years-at-the-top-in-Hollywood machine! He’s anything BUT that. .

“I’ve basically lived in the studio for the last 30 years” he warmly intones after his third piece, the title music of the movie Gladiator.  “This whole thing is just about playing music to you. I just wanted to hang out with people I’ve been playing with all my life…some of the greatest musicians in the world and some of the greatest friends a man could ever have”.

I’m already beguiled by the simmering Zimmer charm. It’s disarming to hear a powerful, successful, musical heavyweight, and one of the most prolific composers of the late twentieth and early twenty-first century,  so humble and real. If Kanye West is at one end of the ego spectrum of what success looks like, Hans is at the opposite- and far more endearing – end of that spectrum.

“ So let’s pretend” he continues in a nod to the substantial Auckland audience in a three-quarters full Spark ( yes, new name ) Arena, “ let’s pretend this is a dinner party and we are just having a bit of a chat”. It’s partly true. His chat is wonderful. But you have to like your dinner parties with music so loud that you can digest a vortex of spinning whirling thundering pulsating and, at times, overwhelming volume! Hans’ dinner party music makes heavy metal look like disco. At times I wondered if Hans is secretly a frustrated heavy metaller who somehow effortlessly fell in to his role as Hollywood’s heavyweight for musical scores.

His chat to us about Hollywood is light and ego-free. He mentions names with ease and grace- and zero sense of any big-noting. They are all- including the best of Hollywood’s directors such as his “friend Chris” ( the uniquely talented Christopher Nolan)  just people. Like him. Like his band . Like us. Just people with whom he enjoys making links. Before Angels and Demons,  as he causally tells us, “ I was in Paris at the Louvre with Ron Howard looking to shoot the Da Vinci Code. I love the way the Louvre’s classicism and the modern, in the glass pyramid created by I. M. Pei,  complement each other”. He says it as I might mention to someone that I wandered down to the local dairy.  Who gets to wander the Louvre after hours?  Dinner party chat. Casual. Informative. Warm and endearing.

And honest too. “ Now the classicist is going to play the violin while the rest of us make a lot of noise in the background. Wish us luck. We might get through this.”

And it is. At some points at least. A LOT of noise.

The audience loves the movie stories.  I wish he had given us more before each piece. An interesting angle on the workings of Hollywood through the frame of the composer whose music is so seminal to a movie’s success. “ I got a phone call at 9 am from Ridley Scott ( Gladiator director) . I am never awake at 9 am. But I took Ridley’s call. “What’s the movie about?”  I asked. “ Men in skirts” he said. But the more he told me, the more I could SEE his vision”.  He continues the story with a charming nod to his wife, one of whose comments  helped him and Ridley realise the movie was just too much about “ you boys”. They then added The Female influence. So here’s a man admitting to picking up the nuance from his wife’s words. And listening to her.  Can Zimmer get any better?!

A special nod, from the Gladiator theme, to the stunning operatic and longing-laden vocals of Australia’s Lisa Gerrard, who floated on stage in a halo of golden attire. Back in 2000, she won a Golden Globe for her title-song rendition. And Auckland was lucky to have her perform it again live.

The highlight for me in the first half, musically , was the theme music for Sherlock Holmes, which has the same charm as the quizzical lead in that film, Robert Downey Junior. With its banjo and accordion backdrop, the music evokes the humour and light touches of that much-loved film.

The Lion King opener also had the audience roaring approval, with the serengeti- call of Lebo M from Soweto. As he sings, he moves in a stealth- cat-like low dance of the African plains,  the genesis of all hip- hop moves. Wonderful to watch. There is a delightful brotherhood between him and Hans after the song: “ From Soweto to Auckland” announces Hans as he wraps his arm around his soloist’s shoulders. “ When I first met this man he was a political refugee in LA working in a car wash- and not doing a very good job! …..  The Lion King changed a lot of things…It’s currently playing in theatres round the world, but tonight YOU get the real thing.” And then he acknowledged Refi,  the other vocalist , who is Lebo M’s daughter.

Hans likes to acknowledge those who work with and for him. He mentions all of the musicians in his band throughout the show – from Nile Marr- son of the Smiths’ Johnny Marr and a prodigiously strong guitarist in his own right with a  powerful inner energy on stage- to Gary Kettel ( “Way- hey” is their code) on percussion whom he credits with helping him in his early nervous days in film scoring, to his drummer – “ My Brother” – Satnam Singh Ramgotra, to Tina Guo on cello whose 8 hours a day of practice from 3 years old has clearly paid dividends for her, and Guthrie Govan whose electric guitar solo in the second piece of the second half – Rain Man – was mesmerisingly beautiful. Perhaps his most heartfelt thanks go to his Musical Director and keyboard and accordion player Nick Glennie- Smith who hovers ever near Hans and with whom it’s clear he shares a deep and abiding lifelong friendship.

At the centre of this band and at the heart of the swirling waves of notes and tones and beats and rhythm and – above all, for much of the concert- volume, is Hans Zimmer himself . He is at the core of every whirlwind he creates, with head bobbing, smile playing at the corner of his lips, neck leaning to and fro, and feeling,  and present to, each note as if it were the first time he was meeting the music. As if every note matters to him, each time he plays. There is a quote from him in the programme notes “ If I play you a piece of music, that’s when you can truly look inside me”. Indeed. This is man of Big Passion and Total Commitment.

This largely works for him. Sometimes not. Some of the pieces felt so overdressed that I wanted to strip them back to the musical truth which bled through Hans in to the score. I felt that with Pirates of the Caribbean. Like a women with every piece of jewellery on-  and then some extra frills and bows. Overkill. Just too much. A chaotic wall of sound and flickering lights. A total sensory overload. Pounding inside the chest cavity of possibly every audience member. This might work once or twice over two hours but after a whole night of it, the senses get dulled, drunk on overload, with the neurology of the brain numbed in to staggering stillness by the sheer wall of vibration and layer upon layer of sound in each of the frequency levels.

Given the power of his elemental themes, and the beauty of his piano riffs, I wonder why Hans has felt the need to overdress his music in live concerts? Why so ear-shatteringly loud? Why even any need for flashing lights, another way to exhaust the neurology? Why not let the beauty of his musical writing sing the loudest in these live shows? And his personable nature ? And his engrossing stories?

The nadir of this overblown tendency came with the music from The Dark Knight. Why have subtlety when you can double-down on sound? Huge sound. Huge visuals. Flashes and lightning strikes. Everything thrown at the audience. That brooding,  menacing bass .Threatening. Throbbing drums. Thumping. No reprieve. Getting louder still. I felt my mind receding in to an aching stillness away from the cacophony of sound. I focus in on Hans, who strikes me now as a mad genius in a huge laboratory of sound waves pushed to their outermost limit.

After the fury and foreboding of this piece, Hans told a deeply moving story of hearing of the death of the movie’s star, while they were in post-production: “ Let’s go a little darker now” he signals. “ When we did Batman Begins, we didn’t know we would do three movies and 12 years of our lives” And then he talks of Heath in that  final instalment “ Daring, fearless acting…Just before we finished, we got the shocking phone call that Heath , our beautiful Heath, had died” .

And then, the show’s highlight for me- or one of them, along with Inception. The backdrop shows building outlines against a star-covered sky as the organ music of the opener signals the other-worldly beauty of Interstellar. This music has a particular and very sacred memory for me, forever linked in my mind with a deeply happy moment.  As I watch Hans at the piano, I say a quiet gratitude to him for creating such exquisite musical beauty, even as I am recovering from his earlier volume assaults .

I love the piano solo, the build up,  the slow guitar , the rumbling drums . As with his pattern , this too builds up to the Giant Wall of Sound. I wish those blue flashing lights would stop their distraction as I tumble in to the soundscape. Like Interstellar’s storyline, I am floating beyond, in an alternative space. I pull out towards the end and study Hans conducting the whole enormous enterprise from the front of the stage. The first time he has done this. Nothing glib or rehearsed. He is totally absorbed in his music.  And at the end, he thanks them all: “ The most astonishing musicians and the best friends I have” .

A huge standing ovation. The crowd stamping for more. And I don’t think it was only I who was asking myself “What did I just witness here?” . It was not so much a concert as a Happening – a full immersion in the driving musical passion and joy- and at times overload –  of one man.

The encore could not have ended the night more perfectly. Inception. Zimmer striking those opening notes with a tenderness and beauty and musical sensibility that was exquisite.

He is a transporting musician to watch in action. His love for music infuses his audience. When the last notes of Inception float away, he raises both hands in symbolic High Five to the audience, and most respond in kind.

The audience came and saw. They were conquered – some by the beauty of the music, some by Zimmer’s charm some by the enormity of the musical talent on stage.  None of the main musicians of his band even used musical scores, so immersed were they, like Zimmer, in what they created for us with all their passion and commitment. I passed a few Aucklanders on my way out who looked dazed by the sensory overload. The volume button needs to be turned down, no doubt in my mind.   But no one in that Auckland audience could refute that Hans Zimmer and  his band  had given us all of themselves, musically.

Zimmer’s warmth and humour were somehow captured in the taped Monty Python song that played as we left : “ Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life” . A nod, I suspect , to the Zimmer philosophy .

Liz Gunn

  Click on any image to view a photo gallery by David Watson:

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  Setlist

Driving Miss Daisy. Sherlock Holmes. Madagascar.

 Crimson Tide. Angels and Demons.

 Gladiator.

 The Da Vinci Code.

 The Lion King.

 The Pirates of the Caribbean.

Interval

 True Romance.

 Rain Man. Thelma and Louise.

 Man of Steel.

10.The Thin Red Line.

The Amazing Spider-Man.

The Dark Knight.

Interstellar.

Encore

16.  Inception.

  Hans Zimmer – Spark Arena April 29 2017. Hans Zimmer is not what I expected.  I thought he’d be a controlled man, perhaps dour, even distant producer/ businessman/ and money-making-possibly-soulless-gouged-by-years-at-the-top-in-Hollywood machine!

[thishari-blog]

The community block….a road trip I am glad to have experienced but not one that I want to go on again for a long time!

This community block has been a long and windy road which ended with a BANG…literally. Being involved in a car accident the day before my group presentation was not ideal to say the least. After my accident I began to interpret the metaphorical meaning of a vehicle in relation to the journey that was the Community block. As crazy as it sounds and in case you are wondering…no I didn’t hit my head and I’m in a fully conscious state but when I thought about it my experiences in the community and this module mirrored that of a vehicle on a road trip…

Sometimes I had to stop suddenly and change directions due to obstacles in my way

At times I found myself lost and asking for directions just to survive the day

Frustration started to emerge when I felt like others were holding me back

And the waiting for things to move forward seemed endless and sometimes threw me off track

I often felt as though I was on ‘auto-mode’, forgetting how I arrived at various destinations

There were days when I was running on empty and was in desperate need of re-fuelling to deal with different situations

There was always the tendency to look in the rear-view mirror toward the past but I had to remind myself to look forward in the direction in which I was headed.

Accidents happened and sometimes things happened that were not in my control but weren’t easily comprehended

There was that urgency to get to the desired location…the end of the block

But it was important to look at and enjoy the scenery along the way and to get back after the knock

So…I wasn’t stolen nor did I have any of my possessions stolen and most importantly… I didn’t become a Whoonga addict! What a miracle? I will be honest, these were a few of the thoughts that ran through my mind upon finding out that I was placed in the X community. Prior to entering into the community block, I read and familiarised myself with books and articles about community practice (see reference list). As much as this insight and knowledge was helpful, it was only once I started the block that the information began falling into place. Still, not all the information found in research rang true to the experiences I had. I must admit, as much I told myself to approach the block and the X community (known for high crime rates and drug abuse) with an open mind, there were still prejudice’s and biases that I had about this community. Plus having my mum constantly remind me to ‘be careful’  and the  university bus driver constantly warning us to be careful of the ‘ Whoonga Boys’ didn’t do my mind-set any justice. There were times when I even started to question whether I was being a racist or just a realist?  However, I am pleased to report that that this was not the case, in fact it was quite the contrary, and now I feel like a fool for the preconceived ideas and biases that I had but let’s be honest, in South Africa…a little vigilance doesn’t hurt. The majority of my experiences in the X community have been so insightful, pleasant and eye-opening. I felt as though I was able to experience the true nature of a community, in the true sense of the word. (Sarason (1974) defines community as a ‘readily available, mutually supportive network of relationships on which one could depend.’). Most of the people within the community were friendly and welcoming.  From the people on the street that I walked past to the gentleman selling fruits and chips (despite the fact that he did want to rip me off) and to the cement brick makers (refer to my 3rd Blog) who were more than willingly to allow me to observe and participate in their daily occupation. These people and these experiences made the scenery along the journey really pleasant.

There were a few minor bumps, or in our South African context potholes, in the road. There were times when I felt isolated and as if I was being gawked at or made fun of. The only thing that I could pin it down to was my attempts at speaking isiZulu... which personally I don’t think is that bad, surely? One particular experience stands out. When approaching the vendors outside the clinic ,in an attempt to create awareness and spread the word about OT services, quite a few of these individuals were not interested in listening to what I had to say and with a flick of their wrists I was shooed away  as if I were an annoying fly. I really couldn’t wrap my head around their response, I felt as though they were being ‘ungrateful’ as I was only there to create awareness in an attempt to assist people in the community needing OT intervention. When I tried to rationalise their response, I put myself in their position. It was only then that I realised that I was being a bit hypocritical. If someone, younger than me, had to approach me and couldn’t speak fluent English, I would probably respond in a similar manner in addition, these individuals were there to make a living and I was interrupting this process.

But then again which road in our country is bump/pothole free???

In my four years of studying OT, I don’t think I have worked as hard and as consistently as I have for my community block. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid of hard work…but EISH! The amount of work that was required this block was intense. 

There was always something that needed to be done or somewhere we needed to go. My theme song for the block was ‘Work’ by Rihanna because all I felt like I was doing was ‘work, work, work, work, work’.  There were days when I just wanted to curl up in the foetal position and hide from all the responsibilities. But being the OCD person that I am, I wasn’t going to let bumps /potholes in the road get in the way of reaching our final destination. Having multiple  different assessment components (blogs, essays, tuts, presentations etc.) really forced me to think…think about the broader picture…think about and interpret things from a multi-dimensional perspective…which I guess working in a community is all about because I had to look at the client’s that I was treating holistically. The comprehensive and very intense feedback (I’m referring to my presentation…in case that wasn’t clear) and discussions were at times strenuous on the mind but I believe that I have gained so much knowledge and insight which I can apply throughout my OT career.  

Looking back, the first week was a disaster probably because the ‘vehicle’ was still new, however when we became more familiar with how to ‘drive it’ our feet were glued to the accelerator. It also didn’t help that the previous group didn’t give us as many directions as we needed, consequently, we got lost at first and had to ‘reroute’ multiple times. Therefore, from this experience, my group have made sure that the next block of students have a detailed map and access to ‘GPS’ services (in the form of a what Sapp group) to get assistance. In addition, 90% of the work was group work…which is always fun (note the sarcasm). Perhaps I buried my head in the sand, but I didn’t sense any tension amongst my fellow group members, and in the beginning we were working well as a team but I guess like any long road trip, ‘cabin-fever’ is likely to have an effect. The continuous close proximity resulted in tension and friction amongst members along the way which eventually culminated in feuds when everyone’s stress levels were through the roof. I have and still am attempting to restore peace and hopefully harmony will prevail… fingers crossed.

I guess that the biggest lesson I have learned from this block and as cliché as it sounds, is that it’s important not to fall apart when things don’t go according to plan. Being OCD (I know keep saying this-but I haven’t been formally diagnosed, yet…) this has always been difficult for me to come to terms with. Somehow I have always managed to control the events in my life however over the community block, there were numerous instances throughout the block when meetings were cancelled, plans or aims were not met or could not be followed through and new plans had to be formulated. Being involved in an accident and not being able to be with my team when presenting our hard work was another example of something that was really out of my control. From these experiences, I have learned that life, like driving, requires constant adjustment…whether it is turning a bit to the right or a bit to the left, it’s never a straight and bump free journey…

  (P.s I’m thrilled that I will finally be able to have more than 5 hours of sleep again!)

References:

Tareen, E. & Omar, M. (1997) Community entry: An essential component of participation. Health Manpower Management, 23(3), 97 – 99.

McColl M. (1997). What do we need to know to practice occupational therapy in the community? The American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 52(1), 11 -18.

Meyers, S. K. (2010). Community practice in occupational therapy: A guide to serving the community. Sudbury, Mass: Jones and Bartlett Publishers.

Muñoz, J. (2007). Culturally responsive caring in occupational therapy. Occupational Therapy International, 14(4), 256-280.

Vermeulen, N. (2015). Students’ fieldwork experiences of using community entry skills within community development. South African Journal of Occupational Therapy, 45(2), 51-55.