#I’ve legitimately felt somewhat depressed about it for a few hours now. why is my brain like this??? if it’s gotta be depressed why can’t it

[xmcu-fietro]

Anyone know the science behind why it physically hurts to find out someone else doesn’t like something you’re hyperfixated on?? Because I know rationally that it shouldn’t, and yet….

[bethhxrmon]

All I Ask of You Pt. 29

“Turn my head with thoughts of summertime” - “All I Ask of You” from The Phantom of the Opera

Pairing: Peter Parker x Female OC

Word Count: 2.7k

Warnings: Light angst, nightmares

Summary: The summer shenanigans are starting!

A/N: This chapter was kinda difficult to get out this week, I’m out of town so I’m posting from a hotel. So I hope y’all enjoy! As always, the masterlist is in my bio

It still took most of the night for Annie to get to bed, though she had spent most of it talking to Peter. The guy was so stubborn and refused to leave her alone until he was positive that she was okay. Which, what had she expected? After several months of knowing him, Annie had never known him to just drop something.

What she hadn’t expected was for Tony to walk right into the house, yelling for everyone to get up. Why in the world did they have to get up so early? They had the entire summer ahead of them.

“Come on, you need to get up,” Tony said, knocking on her door.

Annie groaned, “Why?”

“Because I made breakfast,” he replied.

Annie sighed, “Can’t you make it later?”

“It is later,” he stated, “It’s after nine.”

“That’s not later!” Annie exclaimed.

“Just get out of bed,” he said, and Annie could almost hear him rolling his eyes.

Annie took a few minutes, but she eventually made it out of her room. While she was the last one out, she was also willing to bet she was the one who had gotten the least amount of sleep. She had been awake until four in the morning. Though it beat waking up in the middle of the night.

Once she was out in the kitchen, Harper handed Annie a cup full of coffee, “You look dead.”

“It’s because I didn’t sleep much,” Annie replied, taking the cup and taking a drink of the bitter liquid.

Peter frowned, “I don’t know how you can drink that stuff plain.”

“Because this isn’t the first time she’s gone weeks with low sleep,” Harper responded, sitting down, “I’m telling you, ya gotta get tested for manic depression.”

Annie shrugged, “I’ll do that once I turn eighteen. That’s the only time they’ll be able to do anything about it.”

“Why are we saying she has manic depression?” asked Tony.

“Oh, because I go through weeks where I just go completely crazy and productive and get no sleep, but I throw myself into everything. And then I just crash for a few weeks and can’t get myself to do much. I don’t really know why, but I have a few theories,” she explained.

Pepper frowned, “Maybe you couldn’t get diagnosed, but you  could at least find better ways to deal with it.”

“Yeah, but I don’t wanna give up my identity or anything. The last thing I need is for my parents to find out. Plus I only have, like, two more years before I move out. It’ll all work itself out,” she said, taking another drink.

           Tony shook his head, “That’s beside the point. I’m gonna start training you guys today, though, you both need to work together more.”

“But Mr. Stark, we’re already working together,” Peter pointed out.

Annie sighed, “Yeah, but half the time I couldn’t stand you and the other half of the time we weren’t really working together. It was really just me and my chronic dumbassery.”

“She’s kind of right. If you’re gonna team up, which you need to do if anything’s gonna work out with this whole Carnival business. You have to be coordinated,” Tony said, taking a bite of pancakes.

Peter nodded slowly, “Okay, but how do we even know what to do about Carnival? My webbing didn’t even stop the guy.”

“Because he mimics powers. Remember how I basically blasted off your webbing when we fought that one time? He can do the exact same thing,” she replied.

“Wait, you guys fought? I thought you were all in love with each other?” Tony asked, looking between them.

Harper shrugged, “It took a hot minute. And then another few hot minutes.”

“Oh yeah, I remember that day! Peter was flipping out about it and talking about how he needed to come up with something that couldn’t be destroyed by her. And then the whole musical thing happened and I guess we all forgot about it,” Ned said.

Annie set her cup down, “Okay, I got it! The real key here is getting webbing that I can’t break. Except, I don’t know how to do that. I don’t even really know everything that I can do.”

“Which is why we need to do this. We’ll train you against all Pete’s web settings,” Tony decided.

Annie grimaced, “There’s not a better way of doing things?”

“Think of it as an experiment. We’ll come up with some things for you too, don’t worry,” Tony assured her.

“And what am I doing for the suit?” Harper asked.

Pepper shrugged, “You should probably work on a sketch.”

“I literally have so many. This has been my brainchild for years now. I’ve always wanted to make a kickass suit because there are so many variations,” Harper replied, grinning.

“Well, then work on picking one, and Ned, you’re gonna help them for right now,” Pepper replied, “I’ll help you guys if you need anything.”

After breakfast, Annie finally took the time to get out of pajamas and into her regular leggings, shirt, and combat boots. She was not looking forward to getting trapped in webbing all day, but she knew that was the only thing that any of them could think of.

Plus she felt like it would make up for all the times she had been somewhat of a jerk to Peter. Not to mention it was still time with him. Though, she really did also want to make up for lost time with Harper. It had been months since she had seen her best friend and it was still so refreshing to finally see them again.

Although, Annie also knew that Harper was going to be enjoying themself with finally getting a chance to work on a legitimate suit. It was going to be a long summer, but it felt like it was going to be her one chance to figure out everything that was going on.

Well, at least, she felt like her prospects were good until she got covered in webbing for the umpteeth time. And, while she was perfectly capable of blasting off all the combinations, it was beginning to get tiring.

Annie sighed, “Can I just say that I can’t get out of this one? Then could we maybe have me do something else aside from being a test dummy.”

“Do you have any better ideas?” Tony asked.

“I mean, are these all from the same web fluid?” she countered.

Peter paused, “I mean, yeah, why wouldn’t I… oh.”

“Yeah, the same chemicals would still have the same effect. So… we’ve been doing nothing for the last two hours. And I’m exhausted,” Annie said, crossing her arms.

Peter sighed, “Okay, but what would you not be able to break out of?”

“I don’t know… maybe it’s not about what I could break out of but more so what wouldn’t react well to being blasted,” she suggested, “I mean, I’m not a science nerd by any means, but I think that would maybe make sense.”

“Actually, that’s a great idea. Except, I’m not sure how we would test it. We don’t want to hurt you… but I think we’re on a better track,” Tony agreed.

Annie sighed, “But maybe that’s the only way.”

“No, it’s not. We’ll figure something out, but I’m not hurting you, got it?” Peter responded.

It was clear that even after everything that was said the night before, not much had been fixed. Sure, they both cared about each other, and Annie didn’t exactly want to get hurt, but she wanted to fix what was going on. If that meant that she was possibly going to get hurt in the process, she felt like it would be worth it in the end.

However, it seemed that she was the only person who thought that. Even Tony ended up siding with Peter. It didn’t matter what she ended up saying, both of them insisted that there would have to be a different way to test what she could and couldn’t handle without doing anything to her.

“You’re not a science project!” Peter exclaimed, pacing around the living area.

Annie scoffed, “Tell that to the laboratory in Brazil!”

“You’re not there. You’re here. And I’m not about to do anything that could get you hurt. You wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, so why would you make me do that?” he asked.

“Because there’s nothing else we can do. And most of this was my fault anyways, I mean, how could it not be?”

“Okay, so, you screw up once-”

“Several times”

“And you expect me to… punish you for something you didn’t mean to do? I can’t do that. I’m not about to just let you go out and hurt yourself.”

“Peter, this is about more than that. You wouldn’t be hurting me. You wouldn’t have to do it like that. You’re thinking of the worst case scenario.”

“Yeah? Then what’re you thinking?”

“If I have a new suit, and it wouldn’t be susceptible to whatever we come up with, then I’d be fine. We could test it out, no one gets hurt.”

“And you think that would happen?”

“Trust me, I know Harper, they’re brilliant. And it can get worked out, okay?”

“You’re not just saying that?”

“Who’s not just saying what?” Harper asked, looking between the both of them.

Ned stood in the doorway, “I think they were fighting.”

“What? Nah, we’re good, we’re fine,” Peter claimed.

Annie rolled her eyes, “We were fighting, but now we’re fine.”

“Okay, well, Ned and I finally picked a really cool design. And, actually, he’s really good at drawing. You should see some of his ideas,” Harper said, sitting on the couch and opening up a sketchbook.

Ned shrugged, “I mean, it’s okay, it was just some ideas for a suit for you Peter… I mean, I just got kinda bored.”

“Shut up, you’re really good,” Harper said, showing Annie and Peter the pictures, “See? He’s great!”

After finally making it through the day, Annie had no trouble getting into her bed. If anything, she made it there earlier than any of the others. There was something about having to constantly use her powers that left her feeling completely drained.

She ended up passing out on her bed, not having any issue with feeling exhausted enough to sleep. Everyone in the small cabin ended up falling asleep not too long after. The way their makeshift camp was going, it felt like they were all going to go back to New York completely exhausted.

While Annie was asleep, she quickly started to toss and turn. All she could smell and taste was smoke. It choked her from the inside and she couldn’t breathe. Her lungs constricted and she felt the flames starting to get onto her.

She tried to move, to scream, to do something, but she couldn’t get anything to happen. It was like she was stuck in the spot she was in. And she wasn’t sure if she was listening right, but Annie could have sworn she heard Tina screaming.

Why couldn’t she get herself to just move a little bit? She needed to start moving before she stopped breathing.

Then, she finally got the chance to move herself forward a little, but the moment she did, everything below her collapsed. Annie could see everything around her being covered with large flames as she fell.

Annie woke with a start, almost ready to scream. It was only then that she finally felt like she could breathe again. That didn’t fix the wave of nausea that overcame her as she started to breathe faster and faster.

All she could hear was the ever increasing rate of her heart. There was bile coming up her throat, and she rushed out of her room to get to the bathroom. She vomited into the toilet, and she felt tears stinging the back of her eyes. As badly as she wanted to cry out, she didn’t want to wake anyone up. This was something that she needed to get through by herself. Except, she had no idea how she was supposed to do that. She couldn’t get her breathing to slow down, and her hands shook so badly that she was almost unable to flush the toilet.

She couldn’t hold still enough to rinse the taste out of her mouth. There had to be something that she could do. Maybe some tea would help.

Nightmares weren’t uncommon after everything that had happened, but she couldn’t remember the last time one of them felt so real. Like she was actually dying.

Since making tea was the only idea she could think of, Annie made her way to the kitchen, holding onto the walls to make sure she wouldn’t fall over. How could she not get herself to do some of the most basic things? Maybe, if she just kept forcing herself to try and do something for once, she would calm down.

Except, the more she kept trying to force herself, the more she kept shaking. Annie looked through the cabinets. Surely there was some kind of tea in one of them. It took looking through the cabinets and knocking some of the thing off the shelves before she found something that she was pretty sure was tea. Only, tears kept clouding her vision and she could barely see what she was doing because every time she blinked, she felt more and more tears falling down her face.

Then, she went to get the tea kettle and once she let go of the counter, her legs started to buckle. Annie felt a sob come from her as she hit the cold floor. Maybe if she just pushed herself up she could keep going. The thing was, she didn’t want to get up. She couldn’t bring herself to stand up.

“Hey, Annie?”

She looked up to see Peter, his eyes wide. He sat next to her and he slowly wrapped an arm around her.

“Hey, are you alright?” he asked, turning her face to meet his.

Annie shook her head, sobbing. She was quick to cling to him and buried her face into his chest. It still felt like she could just barely breathe.

“I-I-I-I c-ca-can’t breathe,” she stuttered between short gasps.

Peter frowned, holding her close, “It’s okay, you need to slow down before you pass out, okay? You’re okay, nothing’s happening right now.”

“B-b-b-but th-the fi-fire.”

“What fire? Oh… no, there’s no fire here, you’re safe, alright? I’ve got you, I’m holding you. And I’m gonna help you get up, okay? Do you want me to carry you?” Peter asked, keeping his voice soft and low.

Annie nodded, wrapping her arms around his neck. Peter then picked her up, taking her over to where the couch was. He set her down and sat next to her and ran his hands through her hair as she cried, helping her to stop hyperventilating.

“I-I know it wasn’t real… but, dammit, it was so real. I-I-I couldn’t move and then the building collapsed from under me,” she started, shaking her head, avoiding looking at Peter.

“It’s okay, I um… I heard the toilet flush… a-and I kinda couldn’t sleep again, and I heard you crying… Annie, you need to do something about this.”

“This isn’t the type of thing that happens, though. This isn’t normal.”

“Which is why you need to do something, maybe you could talk to Mr. Stark or something.”

“Or, crazy idea, I can just fix this myself. I-it won’t happen again.”

“If you don’t tell someone, I will.”

“Peter you-”

“This may not be something that happens, but I know you need some type of help. I don’t want you to get hurt and I don’t like seeing you like this.”

Annie took a deep breath and nodded, “Okay, fine, I’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

“Good,” Peter said, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

Neither of them said very much after that. As much as Annie still didn’t want to tell anyone about what was going on, she knew Peter was right. What was more, she knew the others would have said the same thing.

Peter was the first one to start nodding off again, quickly waking up again, “Maybe we should get back to sleep.”

“Do you think we could maybe just stay here?” Annie asked.

He nodded, “Yeah, sure.”

They positioned themselves so they were both lying on the couch, holding each other. Annie’s head rested on his chest, laying there for some time before she finally went back to sleep.

Taglist: @flushings-here / @parkerpuffwrites / @gaypanda / @twilightparker / @buzzinglee / @jakcsfrosts / @ijustdontknowsometimes / @moonstruckholland / @lcy-thot / @lionsfandomsandbearsohmy / @dolphinsarecuteandstuff (ask if you’d like to be added!)

[imnoexpertblog]

Read It, Play It, Watch It

5/25/18

IT’S FRIIIIIDAYYYYYY! The weekend is upon us! I’m so happy I get to sleep with my love the next two nights. Sleeping without him all week sucks. I might sleep more soundly when I am alone, if it was at least at night. But I sleep during the day with the light and heat and noise, AND I sleep without him, on top of all that. I shouldn’t complain, though. Third shift has brought our family a lot more money and a lot more quality time together. Working second shift was hard because I never saw my boys. I would go to work for 3:30pm, Baby would get done with first shift around 4:00pm, meaning we didn’t see each other even in passing. I wasn’t home until quarter after 11 at the earliest. Sometimes Baby would stay up until I got home to say goodnight and so I could get a kiss, but that was way too late for him to be awake with how early he needed to be up the next morning. Nugget of course is asleep WAY before that, too. So sleeping without Baby five days a week is a small sacrifice in comparison to the pros.

Anyway! Let’s get down to business! Let the entertainment blog commence.

I know for a fact of a lot of people aren’t about reading books/novels. I will keep putting them in my blog to hopefully entice you all to pick one up and read! I think it’s so relaxing and soothing. Honestly. But I’ve always been one for words, whether it was reading them or writing them myself. I’m sure you can tell. While I wait on my boss to bring me the third Last Vampire book (the series I mention in my first entertainment blog,  "Entertainment-Centered" by Christopher Pike), I started reading IT by Stephen King. Yep, the clown movie is based on a book. I’ve come across a lot of younger people who didn’t know that. I need to start by saying I am reading this book after having seen both he original movie and the first part of the new remake. I didn’t watch It until I was about 20 years old, and it came out in ­­­­­1990, six years before I came out (LOL). I’m a little late to the party, but hey I wasn't even alive at the time. People go nuts for the new one, though! And I think it makes sense. I really enjoy the movies. Not to mention the guy who plays the new IT, Bill Skarsgard, is actually pretty hot in real life LOL. Crazy how you can get someone who is attractive to look so creepy. Back to the book. After having Baby watch both of the movies, we started googling if there was anything about the second movie out on the internet yet. We stumbled upon reviews that compared the book to the movie and there was talk of very weird scenes in the book, such as sexual scenes and of the like. I was so confused and it honestly got me curious. I had quickly forgotten about it though until my little sister (I call her Vanny) told me she got the book as a gift. She said she would never read it so I said give it to me! When I got it from her I was like, “HOLY SHIT.” Excuse the vulgarity but that book is EFFING MASSIVE. This is easily going to be the largest book I will ever read. It doesn’t seem like I am very far into yet, but considering there are about 1,168 pages… It will take at least 300 or so to get a good dent into it. This will be a multiple-part review because of how long this thing is. Stephen King is a man of detail, hence how long a lot of his works are. Sometimes I like it. Sometimes it’s overkill. I haven’t reached any unnecessary scenes yet but I hear there are a few. I can see differences from the movies already, but I won’t go into detail so I don’t ruin anything. Reviews are more positive than not. I think it might be harder to read anything this long. It will be an accomplishment, that is for sure. Knowing the general path of the story, I wonder if I will grow impatient with the book. I’m thinking if I read about 30 pages a day before bed, I should be able to get it done in a month and a half (skipping some days here and there). That seems to be a good game plan. Lastly, I am wondering if IT will scare me as a book. No writing has ever freaked me out like a movie can. I actually have somewhat of a sleep issue (I haven’t been diagnosed with anything because I’ve never officially told medical professionals about this so I wouldn’t want to call it a “disorder” or anything) which worries me while reading or watching something scary. I will get more into that in my next blog; it’s going to be a personal one for sure.

I may have mentioned in my About Me that I am obsessed with Harry Potter. My Aunt got me my first Harry Potter books when I was pretty darn young and I had no idea what it was, but I gave it a shot and read the first couple books within weeks. Nothing compares to how I feel when I read those books, especially the way I felt when I read them for the first time. HP is one of the most positive and heartwarming memories from my childhood that has stuck with me through everything. Watching the movies was almost just as amazing because of how young I was. Seeing my favorite books come to life was like a dream come true. I grew up with it all. The first movie was out in 2001 when I was five and the last one came out in 2011 when I was 15. It was a long five years between the end of HP and the movie Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016). I wished so badly I could relive the feelings of HP being new again, but I was very skeptical about Fantastic Beasts. There are connections between FB and HP of course, but it just wasn’t the same. I did watch it, however, and I enjoyed it. Not the same way I enjoy HP still to this day, but enough to make me curious about the second one that will be out this fall Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald. There is talk about the more recent play, “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” to become an actual movie near 2020? I don’t know if that is legitimate or not, and I also don’t know what I think of it either. I’m honestly looking forward to the day that Harry Potter is remade altogether. I know it will be in the distant future, but I am still looking forward to the nostalgia. So. I went into all of that to adequately explain my love for Harry Potter and how excited I was to play the new Harry Potter Game app for your cell phone (Harry Potter Hogwarts Mystery). Anyone who knows me know that I do not play games on my phone. Even when I was younger, all I played was Words with Friends because that was all the craze when I was in high school. I recently was into the interior design game, Design Home. That was until I got tired of running out of design money so easily. Anyway. I started playing Harry Potter Hogwarts Mystery. It’s set up in chapters. Each chapter you attend lessons, complete challenges of sorts, and gain points in different categories through the decisions you make. You get to customize your avatar, which is fun, but you only get to change so much on the character. Now, I was initially very pumped about this game. Until I played a few chapters. There is a different storyline than the movies, of course, which I actually enjoy. But. All you do throughout the game is click through conversations, sometimes choosing the response, click through lessons that you sometimes run out of “energy” for (meaning you have to wait until you gain enough energy back and that could be anywhere from 4 minutes to an hour and 40 minutes). There are a few spells you get to trace on your phone screen as if you are waving a wand, but that is as involved as it gets. I am on chapter 5 of 10 and I’m already over it. I am disappointed in how simple it is to "play," because the storyline seems intricate enough and the graphics are pretty good, too. Oh well. I will probably finish the game regardless. Either way, this was a very anticlimactic situation for me.

Saving the best for last. The new season of Thirteen Reasons Why came out last week. You may know that this has been very controversial. From the start, I was BEYOND stoked for TRW to be a show. I was excited enough when I found out they wanted to turn the book into a movie. A show meant more content and a longer time watching so I was definitely cool with this. I read the book in a few hours when I was in high school. I couldn’t put it down; I thought it was amazing. It got you thinking, that’s for sure. If you’ve watched the first season, you know as much about the show as I do. If you have read the book and seen the first season, you know the show has more going on in the storyline in order to fill gaps, modernize it, and to create room for future story. I think it’s a very busy show, especially in the beginning and end of the first season (I will admit I was a little bored in the middle). Some people have watched the entire second season already, and I can see why. The first one ended with so many loose ends, really making us wonder a million things. Watching this was very interesting since I read the book and loved it so much. Picking up on the differences right away, deciding how I felt about characters, etc. It was an adventure for sure. I also realized early-on just how hard-hitting this show is. Knowing how many kids watch this show, I was just hoping it didn’t glamorize the idea of suicide. It freaked me out a little knowing my 15-year-old Vanny was watching this. Teens and pre-teens are so impressionable. The show also gets pretty graphic, which was on purpose to get their point across. I do think it’s something to be careful suggesting to others and also something to be extra careful watching if you struggle with depression or suicide. That being said, I do still think it’s really powerful. I’m currently watching the second season and I am enjoying it! This is different for me because there was no second book. I don’t know anything that happens now. But I can say I like where it’s headed so far. Have you seen the first season? Both seasons? None of it? Give it a chance if you haven’t yet!

What are your weekend plans?! I mentioned in my previous blogs that Baby and I are getting tattoos, going to a wedding, and then we will be going up to his family’s cabin. I still really really want to go to the zoo! Hopefully I get to know Nugget’s mother more pretty soon. It’s not easy, being a mother and having some woman (that is random and foreign to you) walk into your child’s life. I know my mother and stepmother have struggled in the past. I don’t blame anyone for initial resistance. I just want to make sure she (and everyone) knows how much I love Nugget and his father, and that I will never leave them. As much as I love Baby, Nugget is everyone's top priority. I have done everything I can to make sure they are living a full and happy life so far. I won’t be going anywhere anytime soon, or ever. These boys are my life now. These last nine months have been everything to me. I can’t wait to keep living my dream life with my two Prince Charmings.

[angstidote]

Hello. I am back, somewhat anyway (part time?). I needed to take some time to detox from tumblr because, as I discovered when I pulled back for a moment, I was spending a solid 6+ hours a day on it. And that’s not an exaggeration…it was even interfering with my day job. Even after logging out, my fingers kept clicking the hot-bar button, until I had to remove it completely. Then, the time it freed up… so. much.. free… time... .. . … .

Not healthy. Not balanced.

So I spent the time I gained reflecting on some things that haven’t felt so great for me, starting with some pre-verbal patterns related to fear and self-esteem, and then getting derailed by the disappearance of one of my cats. The latter brought up a lot of fear around not knowing what happened to him, guilt around feeling like I should have been able to protect him somehow, and anger with humanity in general (even though, rationally, I don’t know if a human is even responsible). More than anything the last month and a half has been a painful reminder of how little control I really have, since I guess I tend to forget it. I can predict and therefore steer so many things in a predictable way...

Anyway…it’s not something I’m proud of by any means. No one likes to face that they’re being manipulative and arrogant, but better to put it out where I can see it.

I’ve also been reflecting a lot on negative messages I’ve been accidentally sending myself. For a year or two now I’ve had it in my head that I’m supposed to be different than I am, that the way my brain and body work should have changed more than it has, and…I’ve been really running myself ragged and causing myself a lot of unnecessary emotional pain, basically by telling myself that I need to do more than I’m probably capable of.

I was talking to my teacher about how painful it is physically for me to be with people because other people’s psychic energy is just so overwhelming and invasive. There is no mood that can be hidden from me. I feel intention so no matter what someone’s mouth and body say, I have an instinctual and physical understanding of what was intended. And this is really helpful for understanding and working with people, but it’s also taxing as fuck and downright awful sometimes.

I once went to a Buddhist temple for an overnight vigil in Kyoto where I ended up talking to a Reiki practitioner who offered to help correct something…a headache maybe? I warned her I was sensitive to that kind of thing but she assured me it would be fine so I said hell yeah then, ‘cause I mean free Reiki, but no exaggerating, like 10 seconds into it I fucking fainted and had to spend the entire night recovering alone in the monks’ quarters.

So anyway, I was asking my teacher for advice on how not to get overwhelmed, only to have her start in on psychic barriers. And I got kindof irritated because I know how to do that—as well as can be done in my case—what I wanted to know was how to take them down but not be overwhelmed. She kept telling me that I’m an exceptionally sensitive person and that, as a result, I need more time in silence than most, but I was like, angry about this even though it’s the truth. Angry at myself.

It pisses me off that I can’t stay perfectly calm and tranquil when I’m with others because it makes me feel like I must be doing something wrong, which is what I was actually trying to ask her. “What am I doing wrong?” Because I’ve been studying myself in this situation for like 2 years now!! I’m not telling myself anything negative about my capabilities, I’m not assuming anything not situation-specific about the people I’m with, I’m not scared of anything that I can figure out, and I’m not believing in any particular thing about anyone. But, if I don’t keep some kind of barrier up (which kinda necessarily feels like holding a defensive stance and therefore is not completely relaxed), I feel like I’m just hemorrhaging energy.

What it comes down to, as I told her, is that I feel like I shouldn’t have limits like this. Her reply to this was to laugh at me and say, “Yeah…no. We all have limits when in physical form.”

And I mean…I guess I never thought about that seriously.

I mean, I know that I if I do certain things I’ll die, and that my brain just ain’t wired to do math, but over the last few years, if there’s only one thing I’ve learned it’s the vital importance of not simply accepting things as they’re perceived. Whatever the mind says should be considered but, like, always with a grain of salt so…I guess I’ve just reached a point where I don’t trust that limits are real, even for my own body…except that in this case, in response, my body is telling me that I’m an idiot.

I know that, as a person with asthma, there are limits to what I can do physically without an inhaler, so why I think this should be different, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because there’s an emotional component to the energy exchange? But over the last two years I’ve become increasingly focused on this particular limit because no matter what I try I can’t seem to overcome it. No depth of self-inquiry, no length or purity of meditation, and no trial-by-fire will fix this issue AND IT’S BEEN MAKING ME PSYCHOTIC.

Imma be real, it’s been seriously poisoning the very peace of mind I’m fighting so hard to maintain in the first place.

When I first moved to Japan last year to try and BURN THIS WEAKNESS OUT OF MYSELF Natalie said to me, “You’re like a healer-class character who doesn’t know how to ration her mana.” And although she was talking about a different situation, I have found myself remembering this time after time after time, and I think that this is yet another situation that metaphor applies to.

If I sit back and look at this objectively, having the ability to instantly know what another person is feeling is an insanely useful skill, but yeah, it’s never gonna benefit me in huge groups of people because there’s no chance I’m not gonna get burned out or overwhelmed.

I’m sure that it’s as Lissa said, that my purpose is not to expand out in every direction infinitely, but to figure out how to best use my resources, whatever they are, to their highest potential. It’s in this way that I’ll become able to elevate the world around me, not by becoming all things to all people…which is impossible, yet is what I’ve been thinking I have to do.

This would also account for why I’ve been feeling so unsure of myself and what direction to move in. I feel like my subconscious has been staring down the barrel of having to do the impossible, and has become paralyzed as a result.

Of course, the current political climate isn’t exactly uplifting either... Everyone around me is depressed and stressed out and, basically, that means that I’m depressed and stressed out so long as I’m in the same room they are (or if I make the mistake of reading the news). But while I certainly don’t plan to bury my head in the sand, truthfully there’s not a lot I can do about much of it right now. When there’s something I can do I know my friends will draw attention to it, and otherwise…I legitimately think it might be better for me if I shift my focus somewhat, away from the things that are filling me with angst and back to the things that have allowed me to feel loving and optimistic.

I mean, the things you allow yourself to ruminate on are the things that have the most power over you, and the only person who can ruin my peace of mind over an extended period of time is me, so I need to shift my attention away from the past and the things I can’t help, and focus on the things I can.

I’ve been painting a little lately, thanks to Laura. She’s been encouraging and reminding me that art is meant to be finished then left behind, rather than infinitely planned then belatedly picked apart until it’s dead, which is what I do with everything I produce presently. I also signed up for a write-a-book-in-6-weeks kind of writing course to help give me a little more direction and some artificial deadlines.

I know I have the ability to lift people up rather than drag them down, myself included, and I’m going to try and take a dose, and stay a dose, of my tumblr namesake.