#I’m so sleepy comma but I still managed to write everything down comma I’m so proud of myself and I’m going to give myself a pat on the back

[thatkidwhodreams]

Alone

I have written absolute shit so forgive me as I haven’t written in over a year. When I write in 3rd person its usually sad so brace yourselves. The best way to summarise this is the song Stay Over-Happy so you might want to listen to that or Chord Overstreet-Hold On whilst reading this.

Masterlist

Warnings: Talks of depression, a lot of crying and some missing commas and there is a huge rant

She felt alone. It was strange as she appeared to have a lot of friends who cared about her and wanted her to succeed in life. But that wasn’t enough for her as she had always had this void inside her which made her feel unlike herself. She felt like there was always something wrong with her when she felt sad and depressed as if no one would come to save her. 

The only thing that made her smile was her boyfriend Shawn whom she had been with for about 3 years. He always managed to make her smile with his music and songs dedicated just to her and no one else. The world would assume he was talking about a mystery woman but deep down she knew it was about her. She wasn’t ready to become exposed to social media like her boyfriend was as she knew she wouldn’t be able to stand the hate that would come with it and although she knew she was strong and a badass bitch but there would always be something in her tugging her strings and making her feel low-spirited.

It was 9pm and she had just gotten off a call with her closest friends. They called her every day and that she was very grateful for but there was something wrong again. Shawn had just walked into the apartment from a long day at the studio and immediately he knew something was up as the aura and mood in the room had become dull and not like the carefree, joyful and positive one he would always come home to. 

“Babe! I’m getting depressing vibes in this house again! What’s wrong?” He yelled as he walked into their mini bedroom, their getaway place.

“Nothing is wrong.” She replied. “I’m fine. How was work?”

“I’m not answering your question until you answer mine first. Now tell me, what’s gotten my baby upset?”

She tried to open her mouth but all that came out was a small whimper and before she knew it she burst into tears. The waterfall that exceeded from her eyes was enough to break Shawn’s heart as he could not stand the thought of his girlfriend crying and being unable to do anything about it. So instead he grabbed her waist, hugged her and rubbed her back up and down as she cried into his shoulder. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I get depressed sometimes and I don’t know exactly why. I have everything I need to be happy which many people don’t have and I feel like I don’t have a right to be upset.” She cried taking short breaths in between.

Shawn could only listen as she ranted about how she had been feeling for the past few weeks but bottled it up and still managed to emit positivity into everyone around her.

“Sometimes I feel ignored and I think people don’t care about my feelings or what I have to say but I have to pretend I don’t care but deep down I do. It’s hard having to pretend to be happy all the time and making sure you don’t cry in front of people because I hate looking weak and I don’t want to dump a whole load of my problems on someone else because they most likely do not give a fuck.”

“I absolutely love making friends and socialising with people even though you usually catch me at home.” She chuckled a little. “But I get to a very dark place and I get jealous at other people’s happy lives and friendships with others even though I have my own. I haven’t felt this way in a while but seeing everyone so happy whilst you’re not really hurts and constantly logging out of my accounts so I can take a break and fix myself is also very painful.”

“Constantly having to tell yourself to ’shut up’ because you’re annoying people even though they don’t tell you but you just have a feeling that they don’t like you and don’t want to tell you or telling yourself ‘you’re crazy’ or ‘you’re mad’ because you’ve just said or done the dumbest thing to someone who doesn’t even know you and even though they may not think I’m annoying or dumb I always feel it. 

As she was coming to the end of her rant, Shawn shed a few tears as he had no idea that she felt this way. She explained to him that nobody did, but as her boyfriend Shawn still felt extremely guilty for not spotting it sooner. 

“It’s not your fault.” She reassured him. “If anything I’m happy that you’re the person I can talk to and I appreciate that you’re always around even with your schedule.” 

Shawn smiled a little bit. However, the sadness in that smile gave the fact that he felt responsible away. “It’s okay to be upset and sad. You have every right to feel this way okay?” She nodded sniffing a little. “Even those with the most company and friends feel downhearted and dejected. If you ever feel this way again remember your friends, family and I are always here if you need someone to talk to.”

“I don’t want to feel like a burden to you or anyone else.” She replied

“I guarantee you you won’t, I’d rather listen to your problems than let you become even more depressed.” 

She smiled as he consoled her but tears still ran down her face. After a while she began to feel tired and sleepy. She let out a little yawn and Shawn could tell she was tired from crying and it took a toll on her. 

He laid her on the bed and cuddled next to her as her eyes became heavier and heavier. She took a long deep breath as she fell into deep sleep but not without hearing the final words from her favourite person.

“Go to sleep baby, I promise to give you the world when you wake up.”

If you didn’t realise that girl is me. Yes I was ranting about myself through a fictional character. I usually write my feelings in a diary on my phone and keep it in but I decided to express myself through my writing this time. I’m sure a lot of people feel like this too and if you do feel please feel free to talk to me, sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone who knows exactly what you are going through. If I made you cry I’m sorry.❤️

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