#I worked pretty hard on it and had to redone some gifs because they were too huge or tumblr just didn't want to upload them

[maystea]

How does it feel, to stand at the edge of the world falling apart?

Mixing the scenes, not accenting on details that play a huge role or confuse the viewers’ opinions by showing the scenes that switch the attention to another topic. It's interesting to see how many layers The Devil Judge has, and even more interesting to discover the new angles of the scenes that seem one-sided.

This post is about how the worlds that were built for many years can be ruined in the span of a few minutes, and I'm not talking about Yo-Han's world. I'm talking about the world of Soo-Hyun, and how it was actually ruined by Professor's words in episode fourteen.

[ Warning ] : massive spoilers for episode nine, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen.

[ Warning ] : please don't read it if you ship Soo-Hyun and Ga-On for your own sake I guess?

— Part one: When the world starts to fall.

It's hard to define from what moment Ga-On started to distance himself from Soo-Hyun. And so it's hard to tell when she started to become a warm memory of carefree and happy childhood instead of his present and even future.

But we do see him coming back to her when his expectations for his relationships with Yo-Han didn't come true (maybe I'll write about it later?..), saying that she's his world and removing Yo-Han's hand from his shoulder.

And yes, she is his world. The only friend he has in his life, the only one thread to his past life, and the one person who cared for him all that thirteen years. And we do see it from the last scene in episode thirteen when Soo-Hyun dies and he crawls in an attempt to save the dying world physically.

Physically, because she’s still alive in his head. He listens to her voice on his phone, wants to get revenge for her... and the moment when Professor decides that it's his time to manipulate Ga-On to stop Yo-Han, everything related to her falls apart.

— Part two: The moment when I understood,

The scene when Ga-On enters Professor's office in episode fourteen is very powerful, has a lot of details, and just shows how much Ga-On had grown up from the beginning of the show. But now, the main topic is not the scene but what is coming afterward: him sitting on the stairs after Professor's last words to him.

For clarification. We have already seen this face and this reaction on Ga-On in episode twelve: Soo-Hyun caught him with Yo-Han when Minister Cha shot herself and he was in the car with Yo-Han. The difference is that back then he had blood on his hands, and now he has thoughts on his mind of him hearing Soo-Hyun's words in Professor's manipulations.

The next scene we see is him remembering what Soo-Hyun said in episode two after Yo-Han broke Young-Min's car in front of them. He's already a criminal for her, and it doesn't matter that Young-Min is not a saint either. The same reaction we see from Professor in episode six when Ga-On came to him after noticing the "tale". He talks about Yo-Han as a criminal who breaks the law in every possible way.

And it's an important thing to remember but that's not as critical as them not wanting to not only hear but also to take into consideration Yo-Han's motives at all. Nothing changes even if Yo-Han has his reasons, and nothing changes even if it's the only way to make Juk-Chang talk.

"Human's Cruel Selfishness" by Jung Se-Rin plays in the background while Ga-On's mind plays Soo-Hyun's words about Yo-Han on endless repeat.

Ga-On remembers the last words Professor said to him before he left the office: "if Soo-Hyun saw you electrocute a person next to Kang Yo-Han, what would she have said?" And we're led to believe that every gesture and every thought he has now are because of it, because he's ashamed to even think about what would be Soo-Hyun's reaction.

But the thing is, Ga-On doesn't care about Soo-Hyun's opinion. He doesn't care what would she say, and we have proof to it: episode nine and him going to kill Doh Young-Chung even when Soo-Hyun said she would arrest him if he did something bad.

The thing is that here, Ga-On understands that even their manipulations are the same. They may be put in different words and have different people talking about, but from the change of places of elements, a sum does not change.

The next memory, is Soo-Hyun catching them at the scene of the crime. And from this flashback we see two things: the answer to Professor's question and her now thinking about Ga-On as a criminal, along with Yo-Han. The same does Professor in episode twelve, accusing him almost right after Ga-On came in.

It's interesting how the role of a "criminal" is now Ga-On's as well. They both treat him as a villain of the story: not wanting to hear nor even take into consideration the existence of his reasons, not giving him even a chance to explain the situations in both cases, even though one of them happened ten or so years ago.

Note from the author that is not on any gif but is also pretty important: in episode five, Ga-On was put in the position of being either an informant or an accomplice. Soo-Hyun asks Ga-On what he's doing with Kang Yo-Han in episode twelve, giving him a chance to retrieve himself by becoming an informant, but when he just cries without saying a word, she repulses him and tells him to not show his face to her ever, making him an accomplice of Kang Yo-Han: the criminal and the devil in her eyes.

In episode twelve, Ga-On had Yo-Han who unintentionally and ironically saved the world of Soo-Hyun, without words comforting Ga-On and telling him it's going to be alright by putting his hand on his arm; back then, it worked. Ga-On calmed down and understood that he's not alone, he has Yo-Han by his side.

And now, no one of the alive people are sitting next to him. Just the ghosts of the past, endless amounts of thoughts, and an unanswered question: how much more manipulations similarities he will find in the words of the ones who were once a world for him.

— Part three: That it all was a lie.

The scene at the end of episode fifteen. When every detail of the grand plan is now open, and it came to its logical end. And we think, isn't it already enough? Soo-Hyun's world has already fallen apart, and there's no way it'll ever be recovered as it was with Yo-Han's world.

Turns out, the scene at the stairs wasn't enough.

Professor leaves, leaving Ga-On in shock. He wants to follow to ask, to confirm, to laugh at the bad joke, when Sun-Ah stops him, and the point of her little speech is not the "you're Master Yo-Han's weakness that I planted," but the "This man is really dangerous."

Because it's when Ga-On starts functioning again, shaking his head in disbelief; the creators hide it pretty well, showing only a few seconds of his reaction and then switching the topic to Jae-Hee.

...But the thing is, the moment when Ga-On hears Sun-Ah's words in Soo-Hyun's warnings, is the moment when Soo-Hyun's world turns into ashes.

[redemptioninterlude]

@bethelbound​​ - darlene !

Mood lighting sets the tone, a room full of strangers, a place where she can disappear. Because now, she is no one, isn’t she? Having pulled at the thread that’s followed her fate since childhood, and, having come out the other end, better informed as to what horrors had been laid out, and how. Revenge leaving her as empty and hallow as one might imagine it would, and while AN EYE FOR AN EYE would only ever leave the world blind, Sookhee can say that it certainly did at least make her feel a little less bitter about the churning bite of her childhood, and her decade spent sinking within the wasted vestiges of the Seoul National Intelligence Agency.

They don’t want her anymore, and she’s done all the same with them. It’d all been for her daughter, the child born forth with a man that she’d thought was a lover... a saviour. The murderer behind her parents’ death, ah, how the sting of irony strikes. But that’s revenge she thinks, too. Karma for the lives she’s taken, the things she’s done in this blood-soaked life, and, with a new face and a new lease on life, it’s hard to think WHAT COMES NEXT when every day has been an exercise of following orders, to a tee.

But in this bar, with a glass of scotch, ice melting, cleanly, within it, she thinks - well. I can do ANYTHING now, can’t I. And what a powerful feeling that is, head turning for the first time to take note of a woman that walks through the doorway, pretty, familiar, a catch of something that hits within the pits of her stomach. She knows her. She knows her, with the type of intimacy that was reserved for the damned, those that came across her desk in manila folders with dossiers written by those with an unspent anger that they instead fuel into cash in her hands, now. But then, it was all just work. There were people that had wanted this woman dead (and her little partner too), and hadn’t she confirmed the kill?

                 Ghosts from the past.

Sookhee isn’t worried for being recognized, she’s had her face carved and redone, again and again by now, she doesn’t even know who she could have been originally. It’s a new woman staring back at her, but with with a more JADED SOUL, though all that fades, along with the chatter, as that woman takes a seat by her at the bar. “You look troubled.” her finger rings slow around the lip of her glass, a glance her way, the sort of melancholy poetic smile on her face that said, maybe, she’s the one that’s troubled. “Care for some company?”

- @bethelbound​​ ( for a plotted starter )​

[evansfm]

𝒆𝒗𝒂𝒏 & 𝒌𝒊𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒏 .

–––      𝐭𝐡𝐞  𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐤  𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐭  𝐝𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐥𝐲  𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞  𝐭𝐨  𝐨𝐧𝐞  𝐢𝐧  𝐭𝐡𝐞  𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠  ,  and  it  seemed  like  she’d  been  within  the  confines  of  disclosure  records  for  FAR  too  long  .  first  ,  it  was  a  meeting  with  the  marketing  and  creative  teams  that  handled  up  and  coming  music  acts  .  .  .  the  found  ,  evolves  .  .  .  the  lot  of  them  .  her  nose  had  crinkled  ,  slightly  ,  when  she’d  gotten  a  pointed  look  :  i  trust  you  can  handle  a  simple  album  cover  shoot  ?  it  was  half  condescending  ,  half  pointless  .  .  .  as  were  many  of  her  interactions  with  the  found’s  manager  ,  a  man  who  had  grayed  much  faster  since  evan  moved  to  manchester  .  why  he  kept  her  around  ,  she  wasn’t  sure  .  .  .  but  she  reckoned  it  had  to  be  partially  because  of  her  talent  and  MOSTLY  for  her  knack  of  keeping  the  boys  out  of  serious  trouble  ––  though  that  wasn’t  to  say  he  enjoyed  much  of  the  MISCHIEF  either  .  especially  when  things  were  picking  up  speed  .  the  band’s  follower  count  across  various  platforms  began  to  CLIMB  ,  and  with  a  debut  album  getting  its  finishing  touches  and  set  to  release  within  the  oncoming  months  .  .  .  a  TOUR  was  also  in  the  works  .  .  .  something  she’d  spent  another  part  of  the  day  nosing  about  in  hopes  of  getting  any  sort  of  sign  that  YES  ,  venues  had  been  booked  and  YES  ,  hotels  had  been  snagged  and  YES  ,  interest  was  piqued  ,  and  YES  .  .  .  the  found  would  be  heading  out  on  their  first  ever  headlining  tour  .  it  was  to  no  avail  ,  however  ,  so  she’d  made  a  b  -  line  for  the  recording  studio  where  she  knew  they’d  be  piecing  together  the  finishing  touches  of  an  album  yet  to  be  released  .  her  setup  was  the  same  as  always  ,  backpack  overflowing  on  the  floor  ,  half  of  a  beat  up  couch  taken  over  by  her  legs  as  she  propped  up  her  laptop  and  opened  a  number  of  editing  apps  .  ruairi  had  managed  to  bang  out  most  of  his  finishing  touches  in  one  go  ,  and  with  his  hood  pulled  up  and  headphones  tucked  in  ,  he’d  been  asleep  in  the  corner  of  the  room  in  no  time  .  adam  and  his  perpetually  furrowed  brow  sat  at  the  soundboard  ,  staring  at  switches  and  blinking  lights  ,  mumbling  every  now  and  again  to  their  producer  .  conan  had  his  eyes  glued  to  his  phone  ,  scrolling  endlessly  as  his  eyes  grew  heavier  ,  half  asleep  on  the  other  end  of  evan’s  couch  .  and  kieran  ?  kieran  had  been  in  the  booth  for  what  seemed  like  an  eternity  .  

      a  familiar  track  started  up  again  ,  and  evan’s  head  finally  popped  up  from  work  ,  brow  furrowing  as  vocals  that  sounded  near  PERFECT  to  her  came  in  the  form  of  lyrics  she’d  already  known  well  .  “  how  many  times  has  he  redone  this  ?  ”  she  sat  up  on  the  couch  ,  peering  over  to  the  soundboard  .  “  this’ll  be  his  fifth  go  at  it  ,  ”  conan  sighed  ,  not  even  looking  up  from  his  phone  .  “  and  they  all  sound  great  ,  ”  adam  interjected  ,  rubbing  at  his  eyes  and  swiveling  in  his  chair  ,  “  but  it’s  just  ––  .  .  .  ”  evan  met  his  gaze  and  nodded  ;  she  knew  good  and  well  how  much  PRESSURE  one  kieran  walsh  could  place  on  his  own  shoulders  .  with  news  of  the  tour  bound  to  come  within  the  next  day  or  so  .  .  .  and  so  much  depending  on  the  success  of  this  first  album  .  .  .  well  ,  she  couldn’t  quite  imagine  the  stress  .  “  can’t  all  be  as  relaxed  as  sleeping  beauty  back  there  ,  can  we  ?  ”  she  said  ,  nodding  over  to  a  slumbering  ruairi  before  giving  conan  at  the  other  end  of  the  couch  a  swift  kick  in  the  thigh  .  after  a  bit  of  fuss  ,  she  jerked  her  head  towards  the  booth  .  “  make  ‘em  switch  .  pull  kieran  out  for  a  bit  ,  and  see  if  a  break  doesn’t  do  ‘im  some  good  ,  ”  she  nodded  ,  to  which  adam  agreed  with  a  half  smiled  that’s  what  i  was  thinking  before  offering  up  a  reason  for  them  to  switch  .  conan’s  guitar  on  that  last  take  was  lazy  anyways  ,  he’d  said  ,  and  evan  smiled  to  herself  as  he  flicked  a  pick  at  adam  ,  getting  only  a  middle  finger  in  response  .  that  smile  faded  into  a  softer  look  ,  however  ,  when  she  met  kieran’s  eye  ,  watching  him  move  to  replace  conan  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  couch  .  she  studied  him  for  a  moment  ,  always  with  a  subtle  gleam  of  fondness  ,  then  stretched  to  nudge  him  with  her  foot  .  “  hey  ,  ”  she  said  softly  ,  carefully  closing  her  laptop  and  casting  her  work  aside  .  the  nice  thing  about  watching  them  record  in  a  REAL  studio  ––  .  .  .  rather  than  someone’s  bedroom  or  basement  back  in  dublin  ––  .  .  .  was  that  she  could  TALK  without  getting  barked  at  .  there  was  enough  space  for  quiet  conversations  as  the  booth  was  busy  .  “  what’s  goin’  on  in  that  head  of  yours  ?  y’seem  a  bit  distracted  .  ”  she  shifted  ,  lips  curved  into  a  half  smile  as  she  moved  closer  .  “  i  know  it  can  be  a  bit  hard  to  focus  with  such  a  PRETTY  girl  in  the  studio  with  you  ,  but  that’s  never  stopped  ya  before  ,  now  ,  ”  her  tone  was  lighthearted  ,  incredulous  even  as  she  tried  to  pull  a  smile  out  of  him  .  shifting  again  ,  she  tucked  herself  next  to  him  ,  as  she  always  did  ,  and  rested  her  chin  on  his  shoulder  ,  voice  only  a  whisper  when  she  spoke  again  .  “  talk  to  me  ,  walsh  ,  ”  lips  pursed  as  her  gaze  flickered  over  his  features  ,  “  fancy  a  momentary  studio  jailbreak  ?  a  pep  talk  ,  perhaps  ?  i can have it covered  .  ”

[just-patchy]

Twst OCs: Missed You, Bestie (Gian and Jay)

@twstsimping 👀👀

There’s uhhhh some swearing in here, just in case anyone needed a warning

Also this turned out to be pretty long so just strap in and enjoy this whole trainwreck

It wasn’t supposed to turn out like this. It was only supposed to be a relaxing break for Jay and an opportunity for them to bond.

Gian had invited Jay over to his dorm room to hang out. His roommates were out somewhere and wouldn’t return for a while. Even if they did come back while the two were hanging out, they probably wouldn’t mind.

Yet, it had been half an hour since Jay had come over, and all she was doing was working on the homework she brought with her. Now, normally he wouldn’t mind, as a prestigious school, Night Raven did give out a lot of homework, it was understandable. However, 1) Gian knew that his friend was a workaholic, and 2) she had been working on the exact same piece of assignment, proofreading it over and over again, and making so many changes she might as well have redone the whole thing (in Gian’s humble opinion).

“Y’know, Jay, I didn’t call you over just so you can do your homework,” Gian commented, a little passive-aggressive and sulky that Jay wasn’t giving him any attention at all. Okay, who was he lying to? He was very upset and sulky, and he just barely managed to keep most of it out of his tone. The whole point of having this little hang out was so that they could kick back and relax, but Jay was clearly ruining all those plans.

“Mm, just this last line, and then I’m done,” Jay mumbled, so immersed in her homework that she didn’t even look up to respond. Gian could practically feel his veins appear on his forehead from how angry he was.

“You said that ten minutes ago, while working on the exact same paragraph.”

“Did I?”

A pause. “If you’re so busy, we could’ve just rescheduled.”

“It’s fine, I’m almost done, seriously.”

That was the last straw. Gian stood up from the bed and hissed at Jay, knocking her homework out of her hand and onto the floor. His claws accidentally grazed her hand in the process, leaving thin cuts along her arm, shallow enough that they would heal within a week or two but deep enough to draw blood. His ears flattened against his head, and his tail puffed up in anger.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? I’ll tell you what’s fucking wrong! I invite one of my closest friends over to hang out, hoping that she’ll take the goddamn hint and take a break because I’m worried that she’s gonna work to death, and what does she do? She brings her homework over and ruins all of my plans to make her rest! ‘What’s wrong with me’? God forbid I actually worry about a friend and have to constantly check up on her in case she literally drops dead just because she doesn’t know how to relax for once!”

Jay looked a little taken aback, but it was soon replaced with growing rage.

“I’ve done this a bunch of times, you should’ve fucking gotten used to it by now! I know how to handle myself anyway, I can deal with my own shit, I don’t need someone to coddle me! I don’t need you to coddle me! I’m not some fucking toddler that can’t tie her shoelaces! If you’re my friend, then act like one and stay out of my fucking business!”

Silence ensued, and as soon as Jay registered the words that had come out of her mouth, it was too late. An unreadable expression crossed over Gian’s face, and she could see that his fists were trembling slightly from how hard he was clenching, nails digging into his palms so hard he was bleeding.

“...” He mumbled something. Jay couldn’t hear him, but she had an idea of what he said.

“What?”

“I said get out.” Gian’s voice was mostly calm, terrifyingly calm, except that she could hear the slight tremble in his voice. For a moment, she was stunned, before taking a step back and fleeing the room.

Gian crouched down in the middle of the room, head buried in his arms as he let out a heartbreaking wail that sent Johnathan running down the hallways and bursting into the eerily quiet room.

He went to sleep that night with a blotchy, swollen face, sniffling as he burrowed himself into Johnathan’s chest, with John’s large fluffy tail wrapping protectively around the smaller boy.

(Gian couldn’t bear to sleep on his own bed, not when Jay’s scent was still on his blankets and pillows, suffocating him.)

Day 1

Gian slipped through the crowd in the hallways, trying to get to his next class. For some reason, there was always one class in the timetables that required everyone to be moving to different classrooms all at once. He silently cursed the faculty under his breath. Who the heck designed this schedule?

He probably tripped over someone’s foot, as he found falling and crashing into someone. He was about to apologise, until he caught a whiff of that familiar smell, and his expression hardened immediately.

Before Jay even had time to react, Gian barged her out of the way and stormed off in the direction of his next class, ignoring the glimpse he had gotten of her face, hurt evident in her eyes and apology on her tongue.

(He didn’t want to acknowledge it. There was no way she actually felt hurt. That was just an act to get him to forgive her. That’s definitely how it was...right?)

Day 2

Gian found Jay waiting outside the clubroom, and aside from a low growl that served as a warning, he didn’t acknowledge her at all and tried to make a run for it, were it not for the fact that Jay instantly had his wrist in a tight grip.

“Lemme go!”

“Not until you listen!”

“I don’t wanna!”

“Then I’m not letting you go!”

“...you’re hurting me,” Gian mumbled, and Jay let go, only for the cat to take the chance and bolt towards the dorms. He barely managed to escape, with Jay being halted at the entrance by his roommates.

(He burrowed underneath his blankets that night, curled up into a ball, and only had a little midnight snack for dinner. He didn’t know if he could stomach a full meal, the thought of Jay, of hurting her even more because he didn’t want to hear her apology, made his stomach churn.

He still didn’t hear her out.)

Day 5

“Please, I just need to see him.”

Johnathan sighed, putting his cup of tea down. He sniffed the air for a few seconds, ears twitching and his tail flicked languidly from side to side. (Something that Jay noted, sadly, mirrored how Gian’s tail would move lazily whenever he was relaxed.)

“I have no problem with letting you see him,” he raised a hand to silence her from giving a response. “The problem is whether Gian himself wants to see you. There’s only so much I can do, even for me. He’ll only hear you out when he feels too tired to keep this whole charade up, and even then, there’s no guarantee that he will forgive you.”

(He conveniently left out the fact that Gian was softhearted, and he would’ve forgiven Jay even if she didn’t apologise. Whether Gian would trust Jay as much as he did, as he used to, was another question.)

Day 10

Gian sighed, sitting on the grass in the courtyard. He had been a little sulky and down for the past week or so...okay, he was lying, he was incredibly (and rather ridiculously) sulky and down. On one hand, he missed Jay. He missed all the times they’d study together, which made him more productive and also forced Jay to take a break every now and then with Gian there to literally haul her away from the table full of textbooks and notes. He missed the times they could hang out normally, talking about random things, or even not talking at all and just having a nice cuddle session. On the other, he was still angry about what she did. He was only trying to help her, albeit there were ulterior motives mixed in (*cough* head pats and cuddles *cough*). Still, she didn’t need to react so badly like that!

The more he thought, the more pouty he got, and the second he wanted to kick back and sleep on the grass, he spotted a familiar figure making her way towards him.

“Oh hell no,” he muttered, scrambling to get up and started running as soon as he was on his feet. Gian could hear Jay running after him, and even though she was athletic enough for Savanaclaw, he had all the experience of being a broke alley cat who had to make full use of his abilities in order to survive.

He could hear her yelling after him, and this only spurred him on, making him run faster. His legs were starting to feel a little tired from all the running, especially since he’s sure that they’ve been playing this game of chase around half the school now. He was panting, and he was gradually slowing down from how tired he was, not only literally but also mentally and emotionally.

It eventually ended when Jay caught up with him and tackled him into the grassy yard where they had flying lessons. At that point, it was nightfall, and Gian could only struggle helplessly, trying to free himself. He still had mixed opinions on the whole argument, he wasn’t ready yet.

“Gian, stay still, just hear me out, please?” Now, that was unfair. He went limp, splaying out on the grass and staring tiredly up at her. She sounded so tired, and frankly, so was Gian. He wasn’t ready for the confrontation, but he was tired of the ordeal.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it isn’t. That’s partly why the argument started in the first place.”

“Then what?” he asked, exhaustion showing through his voice.

“Don’t say it’s fine. Never say it’s fine when it really isn’t...be there for me when I relapse into my bad habits, if you want to, of course.”

“...idiot,” a small grin spread over his face, as he reached up to ruffle her hair. “I’ve forgiven you already, gonna take a bit to regain my trust though. It doesn’t come for free, y’know?”

A matching grin crossed over Jay’s face. “Fair enough.”

“Missed you, bestie.”

“Yeah, yeah, missed you too, stupid cat.”

(Later that night, they snuck into the Florenetta dorms, and slept in one of the spare rooms instead. Gian curled into Jay’s side, and his soft purrs lulled her to sleep.)

Bonus

“Are we besties?”

“I dunno, are we?”

“You called my your ‘bestie’.”

“You got a problem with it?”

“Not really, no.”

“Then we are besties, now go sleep.”

[tekka-dan]

A journey of self confidence

I recently cut my hair in December 2019 for the very first time in ages.

I wanted to as a child but my parents never let me have the choice or liberty of making my own decision such as cutting something they were so proud of me to have.

My hair has always been a nuisance to me. I did not grow up loving every curl, loving wash days, enjoying the broken combs or tangled mess. I grew up hating my hair and in turn I grew up hating myself.

Being black was always something I was proud of. It was always something I made sure to never be ashamed of, not my skin color or my heritage. However the older I got the more I saw girls my age being able to do so much with their hair and I wasn’t able to achieve the same style, because of the texture. My hair is course as course gets. You haven’t met anyone with hair like mine. No product worked on my hair.

I hated my hair and because of it I started hating myself.

In high school I was so lazy with my hair that I would do a simple pony tail and go on with my day. It was thick and unruly but I didn’t care - it was something compared to my failed attempts at styling and I’d walk out the door for it to be ruined by wind and humidity.

I grew up hating that my hair wasn’t like anybody else’s, no matter how much effort I put into trying to make it. I began to hate myself, hating that because of my hair I couldn’t be like all the other girls my age. I began realIzing my hair being a complete mess was the reason I wasn’t “attractive” to anyone in school.

Until my older sister suggested one day “why don’t you try extensions?”

Above is the result of me getting extensions for the first time. Hair I could easily comb through without a problem. I was 16 years old in that picture and for the first time ever..I was finally like the other girls.

I kept these extensions for six months, had them redone and put back in. During this time frame I got a LOT of compliments...I mean a LOT. I was really shocked by this, all I did was add hair to my hair.

I went from this

To the picture above this one and all of a sudden I was being complimented left and right. I would be lying if I said I didn’t love it...for the first time I felt beautiful..all because society told me without my natural hair..I was finally “like the other girls”.

I would continue to add to my hairstyle after this, changing it from extensions to braids over the next couple years.

I got compliments oh the ass during these phases. And it started to dawn on me who was showing me the most attention.....

Adult men. Keep in mind during these times I was only 16-19 years old, yet I was being complimented and hit on by men 3x my age and sometimes in their early 30s. This kind of attention has never been appealing to me, I’m not attracted to men the age of my father.

However it didn’t occur to me how this was reflecting my self image and confidence..until it was almost too late.

I developed a very unhealthy view of myself in comparison to others. I am ashamed to admit that it gave me an air hesd, I started thinking if older men found me attractive more than women their age then I was more mature and emotionally developed than them. I saw myself as better than those women, despite not even being 20 years old yet.

It really destroyed my egotism that when I would post pictures of my natural hair

Those men wouldn’t compliment me...at all. Instead I would be complimented by women. I received so much praise from women my age / older and telling me how strong and beautiful I was.

My confidence being..the way it was though, I felt like this was a competition. I felt like if men weren’t finding my attractive the way I was used to and women were then something was wrong, something with me was drastically wrong.

Going into 2018 I had the lowest self confidence about myself. My self esteem was also pretty low. I for some reason thought that if I wasn’t attractive for the approval of a man then I wasn’t worth anything at all.

This wasn’t the only issue. I stopped seeing women my skin tone on television, I stopped seeing women with my features praised and accepted too (before this year but it worsened) so I started to feel not only rejected by men, myself...but now society.

I know people say self love is the key to all love but when you grow up with already having to work harder than average to be seen as acceptable, especially when it comes to your appearance, self love isn’t the key to anything.

I started to hate myself again. I battled depression, I stopped doing anything with my hair at all..if depresssion had a face it would’ve been how I looked. It was obvious in my appearance and how I didn’t do shit with my hair that I just didn’t care..but not in a good way. I just didn’t care about myself at all..

Until 2019.

Coming into this year was hard on me mentally and emotionally. I was defeated and absolutely exhausted.

I decided this year to change up my appearance once again

I’ve never in my life felt as beautiful as I did. And guess who also thought so?

Grown. Ass. Men.

Now it needs to be stated that in 2019 I was 22 and turned 23. So I’m also a grown ass woman. However, the above pictures and during my real life time spent around others and on social media, I was getting message after message from nothing but men.

Men in relationships. Men recently divorced. Men who wanted fuck buddies. Men men men.

I was annoyed and agitated mainly because I spent the previous year not receiving any male attention with my natural hair and now suddenly with the drastic change I was worthy of male attention?

That’s when it hit me!

It didn’t matter. It didn’t fucking matter....during the time I spent not getting male attention yet women were complimenting me, I learned something about myself and others - to women I truly was beautiful, the version of myself with my own hair was real. I remember how easy it was talking to women, how natural I felt not having to worry about my appearance, I just felt real.

When I had all the other shit going on and getting the attention from men, I didn’t feel like myself at all. I felt fake, like I was doing this for attention or acceptance. I didn’t feel like I could truly be my one and only self with those men or even those people.

So this November and December of 2019 I decided to make my final change, one that would be acceptable by me and it was all for me.

[hogwartselementumrp]

Mel who plays Rhea and not Rea who plays Mel, I have to say that this is an application I have waited for patiently for...years actually and was very excited about, which was why it’s so hard to accept actually. When Lily said that I know Jared best and so I should make the decision, I angsted for a long time (so long in fact that she had to take back the reigns and make the call) over whether my motivations could ever be pure and I could be analytical in reviewing your application, but both admins believe that you have a solid grip on Jared, the driving forces of his character and personality, you identify with him and you’ve already started investing in him,  and you will build him into something great. We’d like to give you the opportunity to develop him and can’t wait to see Jared McCall on our dashes.

OOC Information

NAME/ALIAS: Mel

PREFERRED PRONOUN: she/her

AGE: 19

TIMEZONE: GMT -5 (?? I think…)

ACTIVITY LEVEL: Been kind of slow lately, but this week is reading week for me so I’ll have some extra time to come on! I’ll also be trying to make a schedule for myself for the following months so I’m not as hectic. I should still be able to come on pretty often, though.

Character Information

NAME OF THE CHARACTER: Jared McCall

DESCRIBE THE CHARACTER IN YOUR OWN WORDS: Jared is, much like myself, an absolute introvert. I can imagine him telling a friend that he would go to some party or gathering the other is having because it seems like a good idea in the moment, but then comes to realize how many people’ll be there, and would rather think himself out of it or go but only for a little while before he feels his energies drained. He’s the kind of guy to have a small handful of friends, but doesn’t wish more than what he’s got, not only because he can give them more attention that way, but because he feels less confined with them. However, he is a quite capable professor due to the fact that this is a subject he knows well and adores, which in turn makes him feel comfortable in his classes and during his office hours.

I also think that at first glance, one may not think him a Slytherin, but he is. He prefers tight groups of friends as he’s capable of giving them more attention and protecting them if need be, while also doing the same for his family, whom respects greatly and cares for deeply and would drop everything for. He’s resourceful and is able to retain a lot of information, and although he forgets it when he no longer needs it or doesn’t find it interesting enough to keep, it does serve him well in moments when he requires it.

ANY CHANGES YOU WISH TO MAKE?: I’d like to change his FC to Paul Wesley if possible? He has more resources and his gifs are (mostly) things that Jared would do.

DESIRED SHIPS, IF ANY: Jared/Chemistry

RELATIONSHIPS:

He’s become strangely friendly with another faculty member of the university, mainly because their classes are somewhat linked to one another and there could be a running joke that the students tend to interchange the two even though they both approach the subject in two very different ways.

One of his students spends a lot of time coming to his office hours to ask questions. They seem to be having a bit of difficulty in the class they’re taking with him, but he’s open to helping them surmount their hardship and gives them tips about the class, but mainly about study and note taking methods that’ll help them better.

Old friend from school who had the time and patience to get through to Jared and become one of his closest friends during their time at school. They wouldn’t have spoken since Jared left abroad for the Auror program, but could reunite now that he’s come back.

Acquaintances or contacts he’s made at the Auror office from the last time he consulted on a case.

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS:

PARENTS: Jared is closer to his parents than his sister, but that’s not to say that he tells them everything about his life. He’s always had the desire to be the perfect son and to make his parents as proud as he can, so there are certain things that he thinks will disappoint them that he keeps to himself. However, he’s the sort of son that’ll be in the kitchen, helping his mother prepare dinner for Christmas, or that’ll make the trip to his parents’ house to help them set up a new television set, or that’ll give up his dreams so that his mother wouldn’t have to worry about her two  ‘law enforcement’ children.

ASTRID: She is his twin and the person he’s closest, no matter how different they may be. He has literally dropped everything; his life, his job, his friends, in order to help her in her time of need, and would do it again even though she has hurt him by sending him away the way she did even if he understands that she did do it for him, in the end.

PARA SAMPLE

[using the same I used for Rhea since I have to head off to work]

Night was falling, and a cold and calming silence was falling upon the forest. At least, for the moment. The water felt nice smooth under Tessa’s fingers as she brushed them on the surface, creating ripples in the water around her body as she kept herself afloat. Her face reflected back to her in the water, but Tessa did not dare to look. She did not want to see the sad girl she’d become; The girl who could not find a place in this world, but still, her gaze was drawn to the water around her as if she had no will of her own.

She took in her sharp jaw, and full lips. And could not help but wander to thoughts of her sister. What did she look like now? She asked herself, one of many questions that had risen before this night. She remembered her sister’s face before she Tessa had to part ways with her, and could note the resemblances between whom she remembered and who she saw in the water, making looking at her reflection that much harder to bare. Her own face hurt her, and so she closed her eyes.

She started slowly, the sound of her voice barely a whisper over the cold air. Her voice raised slightly as she went, until it was an enticing lull of a haunting melody. Against her closed eyelids, she could see the people she mourned for; the people she sang for. Her sister, Gavin, her parents. Even Ruth. She could see memories of her and her sister, as if she were right back there. When both were youthful and happy. When it was difficult to see Tessa without a smile. Memories of her and Gavin danced in her mind. The stories she had told him still ringing in her ears, and soft on her lips as if she had spoken them only seconds ago. Ruth, with her strangeness, coming along to the Rite of Passage with her and Gavin. Memories of stories her parents used to tell. Stories she often forced them to speak. She missed it all. She needed it all. She wanted to change back time, and be the girl she used to be. But she knew how changing time wouldn’t have worked to her benefit, only reigniting the horror of that night as she would have redone the same thing as before, because the girl she used to be would still have gone after that doll for the little girl who’d lost it. And she knew that if she did it again, it would hurt tenfold.

Her voice traveled on the soft breeze billowing around. Her tragic song capturing the mourning for the things she’d lost, as well as the mourning for the things she could have been. The things she could have given to the ones she cared for. She’d caused them pain, that she was sure of. Her sister especially. And she felt guilty for such an act, of hurting her sister as she had.