#I wish I smoked or drank or something. I'm too old to kill myself so there really aren't any options left.

[kittlyns]

Got my covid and flu shot today. Feeling so disconnected from the world.

[inspiteofwhatherscarssay]

It feels like I take five steps forward, and fifteen steps back.

---

when you wake up screaming at 4:17AM covered in a cold sweat and you've kicked all of your covers off of your bed because the demons in your head just conjured up the most fucked up thing you didn't think you could imagine, I think it's safe to say that we've regressed.

---

I drank a glass of wine with my sleeping meds and smoked, hoping that maybe something would hit and I wouldn't wake up, but it didn't go that way. Instead, I had a nightmare about everyone in my past coming back to haunt me, and me being stuck, and sticking you yet again in a situation you don't want to be in. I just can't seem to leave you alone, in real life or in my subconscious.

Feeling like falling asleep and never waking up or slicing my wrists is a sick fantasy that I haven't had in six years, but also more recently, since August.

Everyone keeps saying that they care, but it feels so fucking fake. It feels like they're trying to cover their own consciousness in case I ever turn up dead, wash their hands of it and say that they cared. Past tense.

---

"I'm sorry."

Honestly? I want to believe it, but it feels so warped. I maybe would've believed it in August, but not so much now. You keep saying you need your space, you need to feel respected, you need your boundaries upheld, all of that. I'm too much, you can't do this anymore, you can't go through this same old song and dance and you need to worry about you.

If I'm so bad to you, why would you ever say you're sorry?

My brain tells me that a small part of you relishes in the fact that this is eating me alive, because now it means that I know how you feel.

but my brain is a liar, and a manipulator, just like Jennifer said I am.

---

I'm putting on makeup just to cry it off in the bathroom. I can't believe I'm letting anyone have this much power over me.

but if i'm being honest, I wish he had just offed me. that way, I wouldn't be sitting with these emotions and impulses.

I never would've met you never given you a chance to hurt me never gotten attached.

---

anxiety is taking over now. I no longer want to eat, or sleep. unlike you, I don't thrive in loneliness. It makes me want to kill myself. and if you. had to spend five minutes in my head, you would see why.

---

I rode for you, and this is what I got.

[adultingadvisor]

Because it tickles me...

Thanks for all the love, folks.

The original intent of this blog was to give advice asked for. Nobody asks when you're first starting off so I have just been kind of posting advice unasked for, stuff I wish people would've said to me when I was younger at various times in my life. Feel free to send ask anon or otherwise, until then I'm just going to keep being me.

I only block horizontal mambo bots and hopefully you can figure out what that means. Using the word makes your blog not safe for kids.

I'll post life hacks, stuff I cook, things I do to keep my rage under control, animals, interesting information and you may suffer with me through the occasional men's fashion rant.

I try not to curse, if I do it's because I mean it. Fish is my replacement for most of those naughty words. Cursing limits your audience, most people don't like seeing it or hearing it. I spent over a decade in the US Navy so it has been a rough ride.

If you need me to tag something... I'm really going to try but if I don't get it, I didn't miss it because I'm trying to upset anyone. I'll get better at it.

A little personal stuff...

I used to drink, a LOT. It was bad for me, my relationships, and my soul so I've more or less quit. I quit getting drunk but I still have the occasional drink or four. Four is my limit, but I don't get too down on myself if I mess up and have more. Reading that makes it sound like justification of abuse, but I've had three or four drinks in the past two months so it's a rule I break about once a year.

I don't smoke anymore. That's a lie, after the job stress last week I picked it back up. I'm working on quitting again. I do eat THC and CBD products and am a vehement advocate for their recreational and medicinal use. I have never had the sudden urge to go for a drive while high, I got it all the time when I drank. Eating a chocolate covered salted caramel with 50mg THC would cause you no more damage than one with 500mg. Drinking 1L of alcohol in one go (my rough intoxicant equivalent to 500mg THC) will kill you.

I'm a vet, I've been around the world several times with and without the military, most of my adult life has been spent outside the US, I have an 11, almost 12, year old daughter with my ex wife. I'm not allowed to be in her life right now, nothing bad on my part it's just how the chips fell during the divorce. A lot of these are things I wish I could say to her.

I guess I'm supposed to say something about a Ted Talk or something here. Have a great day, folks. I'm going to go work on that bubble tea some more.