#I washed Twyla when I first got her and she doing fine

[pnuk-r0ck]

Just washed the hair of my Clawdeen doll 4 the 2nd time. It causes me pain

[language-of-love]

18 because i am very much missing drinking a beer on the patio of my favorite place

agree to disagree... (mild E, Summer Soft prompt series)

David and Patrick get a little carried away after a long day and a few drinks with friends.

....

The condensation on his bottle has loosened the label enough for his fingernail to finally snag it free from the glass and he begins to slowly scratch at it, his focus hazy from the alcohol, the long day and the freckle hidden beneath the sweater where his thumb is moving back and forth across David’s shoulder. It’s his favorite freckle. And as much as he loves the company of their friends, he wishes they were at home, where he could give that freckle the attention it deserves. He’d trace it with his tongue and kiss the skin around it until David laughs and begs him to stop, which he won’t, because it’s his favorite freckle.

It’s been a long day. Too slow for most of the day and then slammed until closing, leading to a bit of bickering about whether to restock tonight or in the morning. David had eventually relented and they’d spent the half hour needed to set things right, but he’d huffed and puffed about it, leaving Patrick, well, equally annoyed and turned on and eager to get his husband alone.

But they love their Friday night hangs with Stevie and Twyla, with an occasional drop in from Ray or a random other friend or two. They’d all just started converging outside the Cafe earlier in the summer, Patrick and David always arriving first, with Stevie wandering in whenever and Twyla dropping into a chair with mozzarella sticks and fries as soon as she switched the sign on the door to closed. One of them would always volunteer to replenish drinks so Twyla could get off her feet and by the end of the night, they’d all be happily tipsy with greasy fingers and aching bellies from laughing too hard, usually at David. 

Tonight is no different and Patrick’s gaze shifts from his beer bottle to David, unsurprised to see three fries trapped between his fingers in the hand he’s currently gesticulating wildly with as he tells the story of Roland thinking their bath salts were rock candy and the chaos that had ensued. 

“That man is a menace to society,” Stevie grumbles under her breath. She’s wearing her hair in a ponytail again, which Patrick thinks looks really great on her, but he’ll never say as much. He’s just really happy to see her thriving and he won’t risk an unwelcome compliment derailing that. 

“And Jocelyn is either a saint or a masochist, I’m not sure which,” he agrees before draining the last of his beer.

“She has to be a little of both,” David mutters through his mouthful of fries.

Patrick’s attention shifts back to David again and his eyes fall to his lips, pink from his wine and greasy from the fries and his ability to focus on anything else ceases to exist. His neck, already dewy from the humid evening, grows even hotter beneath his collar as he thinks about how badly he wants to lean in and taste…

David’s head turns and their eyes meet and even though no words are spoken, relief washes over Patrick as shared wants and intentions are communicated loud and clear. 

“Patrick’s getting drunk, so we’re gonna head home.”

His reflex is to argue that he’s only had three beers and is nowhere near drunk, but he keeps his mouth shut at David’s excuse and just shakes his head, smiling at Twyla and Stevie who are looking at both of them with way too knowing smiles.

“Leave your mess, it’s my turn to clear,” Stevie says as she pushes her chair back and stands up, waving off Twyla’s protest as she grabs the necks of empty bottles and snatches David’s wine from his hand to drain the glass herself.

“Menace,” David teases.

“Saint,” Stevie responds, giving Patrick a quick nod before disappearing into the Cafe.

Patrick’s on his feet now, reflexively reaching out for David’s waist as he goes to stand next to him by his chair.

“See you boys in the am,” Twyla says through a yawn and Patrick just smiles and blows her a kiss. She wrinkles her nose and gives them a little wave and Patrick leans into David’s side as he turns to lead them up the street towards their house. It’s a little too warm to be pressed this close and Patrick immediately begins to feel a bit flushed, but he’s been needing contact for hours and he’s too greedy to let go. 

“Think that was too obvious?”

“Don’t care,” Patrick replies, his voice a bit crackly from the need clawing up his throat.

They’ve only made it two blocks when he feels David’s hand at the small of his back begin to tug the fabric of his shirt free from his pants and it’s half a block later when Patrick’s control slips and he’s dragging David down a side street so he can press him up against the chipped brick wall of the Post Office and finally get a taste of his mouth. He gasps against David’s lips as ringed fingers slide up the inside the back of his shirt, grabbing at his sweaty skin and dragging him somehow closer. 

“Too hot,” he mumbles against David’s mouth, referring both to the rapidly rising temperature of their bodies and David himself, but he’s too busy kissing him again to elaborate. He tastes even better than Patrick had imagined and he welcomes his tongue, sucking gently on it until he hears tiny whimpers escape David’s throat. Releasing it, they both take a few heaving breaths and make an attempt at centering themselves. It’s late and the town around them is quiet and deserted and there’s a stirring part of him that wonders if he’s as adventurous as the moment wants him to be. Taking stock of his body, his hands are already wandering and David’s breath is hot against his mouth and...

“Come on,” David whispers, so softly that Patrick barely hears it through the sound of his heart pounding between his ears, but he feels the tug at his elbow and lets David lead him further around the building until a dark, more private spot is found. The brick is surprisingly cool as he leans back against it, but he doesn’t really have time to register more than that before David’s mouth is like fire licking at his neck and his hands are working efficiently to unbuckle his belt.

“Oh fuck,” he somehow manages to breath out, gasping into the humid night as David unzips his jeans and takes a firm grip of his cock over his boxers. He knows from that first touch that this is going to be quick, and dirty, and he’s sure David can feel him swelling at the excitement of the thought of it. 

His eyes had fallen shut with pleasure, but he can feel David’s gaze on him, so he meets it, working hard to stay focused on the heat he sees there as David’s hand slides over his sensitive skin, quickly driving him to the brink of insanity. 

“I really annoyed you tonight, huh?” David goads, kissing Patrick before he can respond, which Patrick is thankful for. Words aren’t his friends right now, at least no coherent ones. David’s kiss is languid, almost teasing, a stark contrast to the urgency of his fingers, making Patrick feel a bit off balance and out of control. But David knows what he’s doing. 

He really knows. 

Patrick’s sweating through his shirt and his thighs feel clammy in his jeans, but god, he’s in heaven, close to it anyway, closer than he’s prepared to be. He wants this to last, but needs the release just as badly. Pulling back from David’s mouth, he manages to half mumble and half moan that he’s close, which earns him a few slower strokes as his husband lowers himself to his knees. There’s a bit of a grumble from David about his pants and the grass, causing a laugh to breach Patrick’s haze of pleasure. 

His love for this man goes to his very core. 

At the first touch of David’s tongue, Patrick loses any semblance of reality, caring not at all about their whereabouts, only on David and his mouth and the press of his fingers at the back of his thigh and the button of his jeans pressing into his hip where it’s trapped against David’s palm. He comes on a groan with his fingers fisted in David’s hair and his other hand pressed flat against the bricks in a feeble attempt at keeping himself steady. 

Thankfully, David’s back on his feet and leaning against him almost immediately, saving his buckling knees from sending him to the grass. David’s hand is soft as it cradles his face, his eyes warm as he smiles in amusement at Patrick’s near collapse.

“Proud of yourself, I see,” Patrick jokes as soon as he’s caught his breath.

“I got my husband to have sex in public, so yeah, I’m taking a bow.”

“We’ve had sex in public before.”

“In a car is not in public, Patrick, we’ve discussed this.”

Finally feeling steady on his feet, Patrick shifts his weight to the small of his back so he can free his hand from the wall and place his palms on David’s chest. 

“Agree,” he whispers as he slides his hands down the front of David’s sweater between them towards his waist, “to disagree.”

David’s hips sway towards him as Patrick’s hands find the waistband of his drawstring pants, the crisp hair on his belly tickling his knuckles as he slides his fingers beneath the fabric. Patrick is still learning the nuances of David’s wardrobe, but the easy access of his favorite style of pants is definitely something he’s come to appreciate. 

Tipping his chin up, he smiles against David’s mouth as he snakes his hand into David’s briefs, nipping at his bottom lip as he grazes the tips of his fingers over his half-hard cock. David whimpers and Patrick touches him more purposefully, taking advantage of his mouth dropping open to slide his tongue inside, kissing him deep, tasting himself as he takes back control. 

“Okay, I agree,” David pants as he pulls his mouth free, collapsing his body further into Patrick as he braces his forearms on the brick on either side of Patrick’s head. It brings David’s mouth right up against his lips, breath heaving as his hips rock into Patrick’s touch.

“You know I like it better when you stand your ground,” he whispers, nudging David’s nose as he gives him a less than gentle squeeze.

“Fine, fuck it, I take it back, Patrick…” His breathing has gone shallow and his bottom lip is trapped between his teeth and Patrick knows he must be close and quick decisions have to be made. 

“Lean back,” he orders, and David does, moving his weight to his hands so Patrick has room to free him from his pants and move his sweater out of the way of the inevitable mess. David’s coming into his hand after a few more quick pulls, his forehead dropping to Patrick’s as he tries to catch his breath as Patrick works him through the aftershocks. He loves stroking David until he feels him begin to soften, drawing small moans from the back of his throat in pleasure and protest. Patrick finds his mouth for a lingering kiss as he wipes his hand on the wall, wishing he’d had the time and agility to finish David with his mouth. But, he knows David has his hand sanitizer in his pocket and he knows he’ll hear him complain all the way home and he knows they’ll both be worked up again by the time they get there to do things right in the privacy of their bedroom.

He loves how he knows David so well and how well David knows him. It’s become his absolute favorite thing about being married, an unexpected understanding of all of the complexities and imperfections of another person. He loves finding new avenues to love David the more that is revealed. And this, having messy, public sex after a frustrating day, he’ll learn something from this, too. 

“My hand sanitizer is in…”

“Your pocket, I know.” 

He’ll get it in a second. Right now, he just wants to kiss his husband a little more. Smiling up at him he waits the few beats it takes for David to catch on, which he does, and they meet each other halfway. 

[uzumaki-rebellion]

“Wet Sugar” [Part 12 of 30]

Summary: Yani moves to the compound with Erik...

Mature Audience Only. NSFW. Smut.

"I'd wash the sand off the shore Give you the world if it was mine Blow you right to my door Feels fine

Feels like - you're mine Feels right - so fine I'm yours - you're mine Like paradise…"

Sade—"Paradise"

"What are you doing?"

Yani's cousin Cee Cee watched her pack up her old purple suitcases as Twyla sat on her bed holding Sydette. After asking her question, Cee Cee's face held a scowl of disapproval.

Yani took a good look at all the belongings she had.

Clothes.

That was it. Clothes for herself and Sydette, a few shoes for work, and a couple of hats and beanies. Her old plastic anatomy figurine that she had as a child so she would know all the parts of the body and take them apart. Sydette's stroller and high chair. She owned nothing of real value. Only the earrings that Erik bought for her and Sydette were worth anything.

"You don't know that man!"

The fury in Cee Cee's voice made Yani stare at her.

"This is so like you, Yani. Always ready to be up under some man. Thought you were getting your own place with that girl."

"I am. But the apartment won't be available until September. Killmonger offered me a summer job. I'm going to be doing what I normally do there."

"Givin' him pussy too? Is that part of the arrangement? He broke your child's faddah's jaw! What if he acts like Chez? Who can stop him when he gets violent? They always turn on you. Don't be so stupid…so desperate for a man."

"Cee Cee…" Twyla said.

"It's true. She always gotta have some man like they are going to save her or something. Stand on your own two feet!"

"I'm getting paid to work there. He's paying me more so I don't have to work three jobs. I can have Sydette with me. I can save a lot of money working there and I will be standing on my own two feet. I have my own car now, and I will have my own place to live. You should be happy for me instead of tearing me down. And this…this is just a summer set-up. He'll be leaving…"

She hated saying that out loud. She kept pushing back on the idea of this life with Erik being temporary.

She glanced down at her clothes again. Two full-sized suitcases filled to the brim. Yani tucked a plastic bag deep underneath her pants, hoping her cousins didn't notice. It was a sexy lingerie set she bought for herself. Her heart fluttered thinking of sleeping in a bed with Erik later that night. They would be alone and could be together anytime they wanted. She would finally have sex and she wondered how different it would feel after having Sydette. Plus, Erik was so big. Chez had some length, but Erik, he had length and girth and an aggression that had her shivering just thinking about being in bed with him.

She would have to figure out Sydette's sleeping arrangements. The baby was accustomed to being in a room with Yani, and lately, she was sleeping with Yani on her twin bed so that there was room for Cee Cee to sleep on the floor. Yani wanted Sydette to sleep in her own room at the middle house in Klaue's compound. She didn't want her daughter in the room with Erik while they were having sex.

Having sex.

Yani closed her eyes. She wanted Erik to do everything to her. Couldn't wait to be under him and watching his face as he entered her…

Her cell buzzed on the dresser.

Erik.

"Hey!"

Her cousins watched her face as she answered her phone. She left the room and stepped outside to talk on the balcony.

"You almost ready to head over here?" he asked.

"Just have to put my stuff in the car and get the baby loaded up."

"Do you want to eat dinner here or go out tonight?"

"Eat there."

"Cool. You sure you don't need help bringing stuff over? Save you some trips?"

"It'll be just one trip. We don't have a lot."

She didn't like the way that sounded. It came out like they were poor waifs seeking shelter.

"Text me when you're on your way so I can help you unload."

"Okay."

She hung up her phone and it immediately vibrated in her hand.

"Anika?"

"You still at Auntie's?" her sister asked, her voice rushed.

"Yeah—"

"Leave now. Mommy and Daddy are on their way there—"

Too late.

Yani saw her parents pull up in their white Corrolla. She hung up on Anika and walked down the steps.

Her father stepped out and his tall dark frame still seemed to reach the sky in her eyes. Her mother's shorter, browner, and heavier body eased out slowly, and her father waited for his wife to join him before they pounced on her.

"What is going on?" her mother spit out, hands on her hips. Yani's father had his arms crossed standing next to his wife.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't play dumb," her mother said, her voice turning grimy fast.

"I'm not playing dumb, Mommy. What are you talking about?"

"Are you moving in with one of those men on the hill?"

Fucking Cee Cee. She would be the only one to snitch when asked not to.

"I'm working there—"

"That's not what we heard," her father said. His voice was soft-spoken but it always carried a bite behind it.

"It's a summer job. Auntie will be on vacation and I was asked to fill in for her. It's good pay Mommy—"

"She's seeing a man up there," Cee Cee said walking outside.

"Cee Cee, shut up! Mind your own business!" Yani yelled.

Twyla came outside with Sydette.

"Auntie Paula, Uncle Halston…it's just a job. She's staying in Auntie's apartment there and looking after things until Auntie comes back," Twyla said.

"Lie! I've seen her with the man who stays up there. They were hugged up during Juvay, and he was holding Sydette like she was his," Cee Cee said.

"We didn't raise you like this, Yani," her mother said.

"I'm an adult now, Mommy. I make my own decisions. Ever since you put me out when I got pregnant, I've been taking care of myself and Sydette."

"Are you seeing this man?" Her father asked.

"I'm working there. Saving money. Getting ready for school."

Yani stared at her parents. There was nothing they could do to stop her.

"That man broke Chez's jaw," her father said.

"Who told you that?"

"Chez's mother."

Yani's mother looked embarrassed saying that.

"We don't want you going up there," her father said.

"Daddy—"

"You either stay here or come home with us," her mother said.

"You want me to come home now? After all this time on my own, you want me back?"

"We don't want Sydette mixed up in anything that can cause her harm. If you are messing around with a man breaking jaws, then you need—"

"I need what? Supervision? I can take of my own child. I don't need your help. No disrespect Mommy, but I know what I'm doing. I'll have my own place in September for school."

Yani's mother shook her head and she stepped forward like she was ready to argue, but her father held her back.

"We just want what's best for you and Sydette, that's all," he said.

Yani moved in front of her father and hugged him.

"I'm good, Daddy. Mommy, I'm alright."

Yani stepped over to her mother and hugged her too.

"He broke a man's jaw," her mother whispered.

"Because Chez tried to hurt me and he found out about it. It was in defense of me. It won't happen again."

"We don't like this, Yani. Can't you see why we would be worried?"

"Mommy, I will be fine. It's just a job—"

"Is this man your new boyfriend?"

Yani didn't want her parents involved with anything having to do with Erik or the compound. She hated lying, but they would bother her about this, would probably show up at the compound if they knew the truth.

"He's just an employer. I worked for him three months ago with Auntie—"

"She's seeing him."

The surliness in Cee Cee's voice made Yani's blood boil. Why did she care? Why did she have to run her mouth? Yani stood firm.

"It's my job. That's all it is."

Her father knew she was lying, but he nodded his head and patted her mother's shoulder. They walked past Yani and headed up into Leona's apartment.

Great. Now they wanted to visit and delay her leaving.

"You are such a bitch," she hissed at Cee Cee when she walked past her into the apartment.

Her parents played with Sydette, and Yani didn't want to drag her luggage out with them there. She made her parents some tea and sat with them making small talk. They seemed pleased with her upcoming classes and displeased with the gossip they heard about her verses on Kendall's song, and the album cover. Cee Cee plopped her ass on a chair and interjected her own gossip about other family members, and Yani was so happy to be leaving her Aunt's house. Ever since Cee Cee arrived there to stay, the energy of the household had been turmoil. Even Twyla was itching to move, on the lookout for some affordable housing in Havensight.

Hours went by, and Yani texted Erik that she would be arriving late, that dinner would have to be a raincheck because of her parents dropping by. This was not how she wanted her first night with him to be. Her showing up tense from interacting with family that aggravated her.

By the time her parents left, she was loading her car up after six. Sydette was being fussy and Yani just wanted to get away fast. She stopped over at a grocery store to pick up some last-minute items and by the time she rolled into the compound, it was eight at night.

She sat in her car in front of the garage waiting for Erik to come help her with their things. She was really there. With him. Her and Sydette.

"Sweet Pea!"

His voice was booming and he was excited to see them. Yani watched Erik unhook Sydette from her car seat.

"Sorry we're so late. I ended up stopping at the store."

"No problem."

He handed Sydette back to her and she noticed that he was dressed really nice just to be kicking it at the crib. Expensive pressed black chinos. A plum button-up shirt. Luxury house shoes. His Cuban link.

He rolled her bags to the second house and placed them in the main bedroom. He ran back up to her car to retrieve Sydette's stroller and high chair. She unpacked a few things and opened some windows.

When he came back into the bedroom to check on her and Sydette, she felt a bit self-conscious with her old jeans and t-shirt on.

"What?" he said.

"You're dressed up."

"This is some regular chillin' around the house gear—"

"No it isn't. I've seen your chillin' gear."

He seemed bashful. She sat on the bed next to Sydette.

"I just wanted to look nice when you both came. I made you dinner. I can heat it up now if you want."

She reached out and touched his hand.

"That's so sweet. And here I come looking all—"

"You look fine. You hungry? Has she eaten?"

"She's good. But I'm starving."

"Freshen up and meet me down at Klaue's. I'll get your dinner ready."

He dipped out so fast, she didn't even get a chance to thank him again for letting them stay there.

Taking a quick shower, she changed into a nice teal knee-length dress and sandals. She dressed Sydette in a blue dress and baby Mary Janes. The late spring air was the perfect balmy temperature that she loved, and when she arrived at Klaue's house, Erik was waiting for her at the front door.

"Place your face right here," he said.

She looked at a dark screen on the side of the door and a scanner read her face and made a retina print.

"Now you can come in here whenever you want," he said.

He took her hand and walked her inside. When she saw the dining table, she stopped in her tracks. Multiple blue candles and a gorgeous purple and blue flower arrangement sat in the middle of the table. Klaue's best dishes were set out with the fancy linen. He even had Sydette's high chair posted up at the table.

"Sit down," he said.

She put Sydette into her high chair and took a seat at the place setting he made. Three minutes later he was back with two big bowls of gumbo.

"This took some time," she said, digging in.

"Cooking all day. Should be just right now," he said.

"Shit, this is good," she said.

Sydette tried to grab for her food, but Yani pushed her hand back.

"Too spicy for you. You not even hungry so stop acting like you weren't fed," she said.

"No!" Sydette said.

"No?" Yani teased.

"Gimme!"

Erik laughed and Yani giggled a bit at her daughter.

"No," Yani said.

"Yes!" Sydette shouted.

"She'll be arguing in full sentences pretty soon," Erik said watching her.

"Don't let her babbling fool you. She can say a lot more words. Watch and see."

"Let her try it," he said.

"It's too spicy for her."

"That's how children learn."

Yani dipped her spoon into her bowl and took up a bit of broth and rice. She lifted it to Sydette's mouth and her daughter slurped it down.

"You like it?" Yani asked.

"More!" Sydette said.

Erik laughed even louder.

"See. She can handle some kick."

The second taste was a bit too much for Sydette and the spices kicked in making her grimace a bit, but she kept reaching for Yani's spoon.

"I told you it was too spicy little girl."

Sydette wiggled her legs and Yani fed her more.

"Be right back," Erik said.

When he returned, he had two plates in his hand.

"There's more? This was enough already."

"That was just a starter. You can save this for tomorrow if you want—"

He started heading back to the kitchen but the aromas already had Yani's mouth watering.

"Lemme see it," she said.

The plate before her was loaded with candied yams, mixed greens, and barbecued salmon.

"Wow. You were not messing around," she said.

He went back into the kitchen and brought back a plastic bowl filled with mashed up yams and peas with a few chopped pieces of salmon. He put the bowl in front of Sydette.

"See if she can handle that," he said.

Sydette didn't even wait, her fingers already digging into the bowl and stuffing the mashed yams in her mouth.

"Okay, be messy. Mama's going to eat her own," Yani said.

The food was so good that Yani asked for seconds, and Erik piled up her plate again until she was swollen in the belly. Sydette's face was a mess, but she got Erik's food down her mouth by herself.

"We must be a sight," Yani said pushing back her plate.

Erik smiled and ate the last bite of fish on his plate.

"I like seeing people enjoy my food," he said.

She glanced down at her bloated stomach.

"I look pregnant," she said rubbing her tummy.

"Get used to it. I plan on feeding you two like this all the time."

"Keeping us fat and happy?"

"That's my plan," he said winking at her.

"Look at her face," Yani said.

Sydette sucked on her fingers and watched them both. Barbecue sauce and bits of yam covered her cheeks. Yani let out a loud sigh.

"How was your parent's visit?"

"Hell. Cee Cee told them about me being here. It wasn't a social visit. They wanted me to go home with them instead of coming here."

"You serious?"

"Yeah. Chez's mother told them that you broke his jaw, and Cee Cee must've filled in the rest. I told them I was here for work and then they lingered. For hours. Not one time have they ever come to see me at my Aunt's. Not one time. I either go to their house or meet up at some family gathering. It was just weird and uncomfortable."

Yani stared at her belly again as Erik cleaned up their dishes. How was she going to look sexy in her lingerie for him with her belly all big and full?

"You need help cleaning up?" she asked.

"No. Go ahead and get the baby cleaned up in the bathroom. Do you want any dessert? I have some ice cream and some little cupcakes I picked up at the store."

"Not tonight. I can't eat another thing."

She picked up Sydette and took her into the guest bathroom down the hall from the master bedroom. It didn't take long to get her daughter presentable again.

"What do you want to do now? Watch tv? Finish unpacking? Relax?"

Erik stood in the living room flipping through satellite channels.

Yani wanted to stay up with him, but she was beginning to feel sleepy. Not just from the food, but the stress of being with her parents.

"You look tired. Want to call it a night?" he said.

Erik's eyes watched her with a gentleness that she needed to see.

"I am tired. I really wanted today to be special—"

"It is special. It's the beginning of whatever you want to do."

She inhaled deeply, his words sinking in.

She could do anything she wanted. There was no schedule for her to follow except for anything that she desired to do. She could sleep in. Nap all day. Swim all day. Sunbathe naked. Catch up on tv shows. Read books she had put off reading because of the lack of free time. Anything.

But first, she had to deal with Sydette.

"I need to get Sweet Pea situated for bed. She's been sleeping with me and while I'm here, I want to start having her by herself in her own room. The apartment I'm getting has three bedrooms, and my roommate and I are trying to get our daughters used to sleeping in their room together."

Erik listened and Yani couldn't tell if he was expecting them to sleep together. She just assumed that they would, but the reality of Sydette was weighing in. Everything was so new. She had never lived with a man that wasn't a relative before. She never had to think of sleeping arrangements.

"Why don't you and Sydette get settled in your house and we can figure out some things tomorrow. I can tell you're beat."

Her lips pulled in tight, and she felt disappointment tempering her mood.

"I want to be with you though," she said. Her voice came out so small.

"You will be. But like you said, Sydette comes first. Get her settled the way you want, and you and I can…y'know, we can get ourselves together another day. Don't look sad about it, girl."

He stroked her cheek and she held onto his hand, keeping it on her skin.

"Come be with us—"

"But you're tired—"

"I don't care."

"I'll walk you two up, but I'm going to leave when you fall asleep."

He strolled with them up the path to the middle house and watched Sydette for her while she unpacked their things. She moved all of Sydette's clothes and diaper bag into her own room next to the master bedroom.

Once she had Sydette prepped for bed with clean diapers and her pajamas, she laid in the room with her while Erik watched tv in the den. Yani could feel herself getting drowsy, but Sydette drifted off to slumberland and she slid out of the room quietly leaving the intercom system on with a tiny ladybug night light on a nightstand. Klaue's intercom system was more powerful than Yani's own baby monitors. She child-proofed the rest of the room and felt confident that her baby girl was ready for her first night alone.

"She out?" Erik whispered from the couch.

"For now. I'm going to try and sleep in my room and see how it goes tonight."

Yani wanted Erik in bed with her. He stood up.

"Breakfast at the main house? Let's say nine?"

He was easing over to the sliding doors that led to the pool.

"Please stay here with me."

Erik stopped moving.

"You sure? The baby might wake up—"

"She will, but…I want you here with us."

"Okay…um…lemme go down to Klaue's and get some things…"

She nodded and he slipped out of the pool door.

Running into her new bedroom she pulled out the lingerie and held it up to the mirror. Her stomach was still puffy from all the food she ate, but she was dying to wear the sexy outfit on her first night. If she had to go look in on Sydette, her daughter wouldn't remember what her mother had on. The low-cut sheer black camisole with the high cut lace thong and matching sheer black robe was everything. He had to see her in it.

She quickly washed up again and slathered her skin all over with chocolate body butter. She ran a tiny bit of eyeliner on her lids and a light coating of raisin-colored matte lipstick on her lips.

Please God, don't let Sydette wake up too soon.

The security system let her know that Erik was back in the house. She heard him lock the sliding doors and heard him tiptoe to see if she was in Sydette's room.

"Yani?" he whispered.

"In here," she answered, waiting for him in front of the bed. She had dimmed the lights in the room until there was a soft glow that meshed with the waxing moonlight pouring in on the bed from the window.

Her heart was in her throat. The anticipation of him walking in and seeing her made her hands sweat, caused her breathing to become uneven. She actually felt faint when he stepped into the room and saw her.

"Damn…"

His eyes dragged up and down her form. She placed her hands on her hips and tried sucking in her gut, but it didn't matter. What he saw clearly pleased him because he was taking off his shirt and kicking off his house shoes.

"No wonder you wanted me up here," he whispered.

She stepped back until she was touching the bed with her thighs.

"Turn around. Let me see it all," he said, and his voice had a coarseness to it that made her skin tingle.

She pivoted on her heels knowing the sheer robe let him see everything.

When she turned back around, he was in front of her. She ran her hands up the planes of his naked chest and let her fingers circle his nipples until they hardened from her touch. His keloids felt like smooth pebbles as she stroked his arms. He brought his face down to hers and kissed her with gentle urgency, his hands running up and down her arms before falling behind her and seizing her ass, separating her cheeks. Jesus, his hands were not playing, the grip on her cheeks firm.

"You know I want you, right?" he whispered.

"Yeah."

"We don't have to do this tonight if you're worried about Sydette…"

She kissed him again, letting her tongue delve into his mouth. She pulled back.

"Did you bring condoms?"

"Yes."

"Good."

She unbuttoned his pants, then unzipped them, pushing them down from his hips. He helped take them off completely along with his boxer briefs. His dick was plump and steadily growing. He slipped the robe off of her shoulders and let it fall to the floor, his lips softly running up and down her shoulders and the sides of her neck before he was kissing her in that way of his that made her toes bunch and curl. He lifted her up and placed her on the bed, crawling right after her the moment she shimmied herself up towards the headboard.

His lips wasted no time pressing into hers again and she was pining for his dick fifteen minutes later with his tongue down her throat. His fingers traced around her nipples before he was pinching them, and by the time he pulled her top and thong off, her pussy felt like melting wax dripping onto the bed cover. Hips undulating, titties in heat from his tongue, and her vulva swollen from the light feathery touches he gave her down there, Yani was ready for this man to lay that thick pipe on her. Quick-quick.

His fingers tickled her clit and she almost flew off the bed crashing into the ceiling. His touches were doing that. He ran his fingers up and down her sides, her erogenous zones overstimulated just from his breath blowing on places he had licked and then he would suddenly fondle another part of her and it was like someone had zapped her with a stun gun. Thumb gliding around her black pearl, Erik pressed into it and her clit ignited from the contact. It made him smile and slide down her torso where his big soft mouth devoured her pussy.

"Killmonger!" she shouted and covered her mouth. He stopped for a moment, and they both waited to hear anything on the intercom from Sydette's room.

Nothing.

Erik continued licking and sucking her clit as she gripped her breasts and squeezed them, making him groan between her legs as his licking became more assertive. He lifted up on his knees.

"Suck my dick, like a good bitch," he said, and the rough edge in his throat made her jump up quick and lower her face to his erection. She swallowed his dick and he watched her head bob up and down.

"Dassit, spit on that dick, bitch. Get Daddy nice and wet so I can fuck that pussy real nice—"

"Hhhmph!" she gasped, pulling her generous lips off of his dick so she could look him in the eye.

Erik's lips were curled up watching her. His head cocked to the side waiting for her to talk.

"I want you now," she pleaded.

"Whatchu want Daddy to do?" he said shoving his dick back down her throat. Her neck felt so packed, her gag reflex adjusting to his size as he went deeper.

"You want Daddy fast or slow?"

"Please," she responded. She wanted it all. Fast. Slow. Everything.

"Want me to beat that pussy up from behind?"

Her groans vibrated his dick and he rubbed his hand on her scalp.

"You want Daddy to pound that pussy? I'ma fuck my name all in your shit, girl. That's my pussy—"

"Yes! Please!"

Saliva fell from her lips as she couldn't keep sucking on his dick with her pussy throbbing so hard.

Erik stared at her, her watery eyes pleading with him to stop teasing and start fucking. She was inflamed with so much desire, she couldn't even see straight. Once he started fisting his dick in her face, she was ready to cry. That fat dick and big sack were all for her.

"Got me dripping baby. Look at your dick," he said.

She stuck out her tongue and he squeezed his pre-cum onto it.

"Spit on Daddy's dick…yeah…just like that. So nasty. You know I like that about you."

She spit on his dick again and gobbled it down until he was wedged in her throat once more.

"Oh shit….yeah…just like that…keep doing that. I know you ready for this dick."

He pushed her back on the bed. "Open that pussy up. Lemme see all that pink."

Yani's fingers peeled back her sticky labia and Erik's face became pinched and his mouth went lax.

"Fuck, Yani. You sure you're ready for me, baby? I'ma get up in there—"

"Get this pussy!"

Yani felt sweat pouring out of every pore on her body. Sweaty, sticky, and on fire from his touch, she lifted up her legs and let her thighs fall wide open for him. She struck her plump hairless vulva with her right hand, and that movement alone made Erik's eyes react. Especially from the sloppy wet sound that accompanied it. He lifted off of the bed and reached for his pants pulling out several condoms from his pocket.

"Here," she said reaching for the condoms.

He gave them to her and she looked one over carefully before tearing it open and rolling it on him. His mouth ravaged her mouth again and when she thought she was going to pass out from the kissing, she felt him lining himself up with her. His eyes were hyper fixed on hers. She let her fingers drift down and open up her labia. His mouth was on her again and she was lost once more in the passion of their lips sliding, colliding, licking, and sucking until—

---he pushed in without warning. Her back arched up high like the bow of the Titanic in the ocean before it sank, and she grabbed onto his shoulders holding on for dear life.

"Is it too much?" he asked.

She couldn't even speak, just rested her legs around his ass and pushed down on him to make him give her more inches. He was halfway in when she bit into his shoulder trying to hold back a scream. He pulled back out a couple of inches, allowing her to adjust her position, and then he swiveled his hips pushing into her again, sinking in further, and she cried out his name.

"Ooh, Killmonger!"

"Does it hurt?" he asked.

"No! I'm just…oh shit…oh shit…you're in there…oh fuck…Killmonger…"

His girth was tugging on the sides of her clit, the entire wishbone length of her clitoris felt the pulling and pressure his heavy dick was putting on her insides. It was an exquisite sensation, one that she had never experienced that intensely before, and she was afraid that if she was ready to tap out just from him entering her for the first time, she wasn't going to make it through to the end.

"Yani?"

"You feel so good…I'm just…so much…there's so much—"

"I'll go slow."

"Okay," she gasped, still clinging to his shoulders feeling like she would drown if she let him go.

"I got you, baby. Don't worry, I'm here with you. I'ma give you some more. Just hold me…oh shit…"

Erik let out a groan so loud, she was shocked that it didn't wake the baby up.

"I didn't know this pussy was deep…fuck, Yani…got my dick all the way in you…didn't let a nigga know shit was like this."

He was rolling his hips, hitting her walls from all angles. She felt his hands slide down and grab her ass again to hold her still as he thrust into her, his hips pistoning slowly at first, until he began kissing her again, his mouth barely able to hold onto her lips from all the gasping and cursing he was doing. At one point, Erik had his face pressed into the pillow, his groans muffled by the cool blue silk.

He lifted up from her and widened his knees, his eyes focused on watching his dick going in and out of her.

"Creaming on my shit…you taking it so deep baby…so fucking deep," he choked out.

His eyes shut tight when he felt her squeeze his dick, the firm clenches making her feel good about her body. She had worried that having a baby might loosen some things, Lord knows Sydette had changed a lot down there, but the way Erik was reacting to her body, she could let that worry go. His eyes held hers again.

"Yani."

"Yeah?"

"You feel so good, baby…fuck…I tried to imagine how it would be with you… I had no idea… not like this…"

His waist wound slowly against her until he was rocking into her with a steady and comfortable rhythm. The dip in his pelvis gave slow deep plunges that had her crawling the walls inside her own skin, especially when he kept his eyes on her. They both needed to watch one another. It felt unreal to her, the intimacy so much richer than any sex she'd ever had. She lifted her head up a bit so she could kiss him again, and he cradled the nape of her neck, their tongues sliding back and forth, open-mouthed, wet, sloppy…delicious.

Erik jerked his head back.

"Yani, this pussy is gripping the fuck outta nigga right now. And you're so wet…so wet baby, damn…"

"Yessss."

"I'm 'bout to fuck the shit outta you. Can you handle it? I can't hold back with this pussy feeling this good."

"Okay," she whispered.

She didn't want to let his shoulders go, so afraid she would disappear without having something to tether her soul to. He was fucking her out of her own body at that point.

Erik shifted his weight back and lifted both of her legs over his shoulders. The mistake had already been made the moment she said okay. His eyes were looking beyond her now, glued to their sticky wet joining.

Most times, a woman wanted to make love, but in this moment, Yani wanted and needed to be fucked. By Erik.

Killmonger.

Whoever the fuck he needed to be to get between her legs like this. This was beyond getting the shit fucked out of her. This nigga was taking mind, body, soul…everything from her. She could see his heavy erection stretching her out, her juices coating the condom and his balls.

She wasn't a passive bystander either. She wound her hips and threw her pussy on him, the thick meat of her ass slapping him too. He was catching it from her and throwing it back. Grabbing her heavy breasts, he palmed them with desperate squeezes. When he tweaked her nipples, it only fired up her clit again and she felt herself slipping away, all control lost, drowning in his rhythm…his dick demanding…punishing. Forget daggering a bitch to death. His dick was smashing fucking atoms in her depths.

"You're fucking me!"

She had no idea why she screamed that. It was obvious he was fucking her. But the language to tell him what she was feeling wouldn't come to her lips, her brain trying to keep up with her body and losing. Erik had severed her mind/body connection. His thickness was hitting that deep bottom of her pussy, and she felt her inner muscles clench uncontrollably.

Dis what mi get for being a craven choke puppy for dis man juice, she thought.

She couldn't take it anymore.

And just…

…let go.

###

There was nothing like entering a woman for the first time, especially this one…

The first time Erik Stevens had sex he was fifteen. Happy as fuck to get his dick wet by an older girl. Seventeen. It was in the living room and on the couch of an O.G.'s old Victorian house in West Oakland. Erik had no thoughts of making love or worrying about giving the girl an orgasm.

He just wanted to nut.

Hard.

No more fleshlights or beating off to free porn on his computer. A real live human agreed to let him stick his horny teenaged penis into their vagina. The first sensation was hot wet rawness and stupidity. No condom, and no thoughts of worrying about pregnancy or STDs. The girl said she was on the pill and had been since she was thirteen because of acne.

They were humping like two fleas fucking. He had no stroke game at all. Pumping and bumping uglies for seven full minutes until his back hunched up and he felt that first time rush of semen leaving his body and entering into another body. He could barely remember the girl's face, but he remembered her name. Karla. Track runner with great legs that wrapped around his thin frame hard and tight.

She didn't seem to mind the quick unloading of jizz, and of course, he wasn't caring how fast he ejaculated. All that mattered was that he came, he saw, and he came again.

But it was his Uncle Bakari who caught him having sex back in D.C. in his own bedroom that he learned about respecting a woman's body sexually. Told him it was more than just sticking a hard length into a willing vaginal opening.

His Uncle didn't make a big deal about Erik experimenting and having early sexual encounters so young. When the older girl left his bed full of shame as Erik pulled on his underwear and shorts, his Uncle reminded him to always wrap up, never have sex in his house again unless he was grown-grown, and to respect the trust a woman gives to allow a man to insert an engorged body part inside of them.

Trust.

Respect.

Erik had never thought of that with his body so full of hormones that needed to go full throttle. His parents taught him the value and beauty of sex, the value and beauty of nude bodies, but they were long gone before he finished puberty and sought out sexual encounters with girls. Maybe they would've explained to him what his Uncle taught him. He knew what lovemaking sounded like from his parents. He just couldn't match that level…love…when he was busting a teenaged girl or a grown woman wide open at fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen. On up.

Love was for old married people like his Uncle and parents.

Respect and admiration had to be given to any woman willing to have sex with a man. That's what Uncle Bakari ran down to him that fateful day of coitus interruptus. And sex was more than just pumping and dumping seed. For a woman to open her legs and trust that no harm would come to her internally when she let a man inside, was something he wrapped his mind around sometimes. He was still a fuckboi. The fuckiest of fuckbois. No doubt. He knew this. He didn't waste time thinking about trust or respect when he was fucking Linda, or any of the women he had been with over the past two years. Hit it, quit it, hope to never be it. That was his motto.

But entering Yani, watching her eyes grow wide when he sank into her warmth, feeling her heartbeat and startled breath under him and against his chest…that lesson came rushing back. Men had used her. Abused her trust. Didn't respect her. And here she was, allowing his wretched troubled ass to insert himself-a hefty part of himself-inside of her body.

He tried to be gentle. Checked in with her. Wanted her to be comfortable. Wanted her to trust him with her heart. Her mind. Her body. That deep soul she had.

Her body had birthed a baby, created food and warmth and love for that child. Now, look at him. Placing himself inside of that space that once belonged to Sydette. Belonged to some other man…

His eyes looked away for an all too brief moment when he thought of Chez and any other man who had just fucked this girl. Like he himself had done with others and would probably continue to do once he left.

And for another all too brief moment, Erik thought he might remove himself from her bed. He didn't deserve to be inside of her. He really wasn't worthy. Because she trusted him too much. Was giving him her heart for safe-keeping.

He saw it in her eyes as she clutched onto him like she was scared of what was happening, but trusted him to be there with her, thrusting deeper, filling her up and stretching out that sacred space.

He tried pulling out but her thick thighs held him in place and he kept going.

He just didn't know she was that deep. That she could take his manhood like that. Break him down. Make him forget about time and space until he had to come up for air and just fuck her. Fucking was easy…better for him. Before he asked to fuck the shit out of her, she had already taken them to that other place. The place that scared him. Scared him so bad just being with her because he knew he had already fallen for her. Hard.

When he threw her legs over his shoulders it was a way for him to distance himself from what he was feeling. Fuck hard. Fuck fast. Fuck away unwanted emotions.

But this damn girl.

He was lost in the sea of it all the moment the glans of his dick parted her slick opening. Entering this woman for the first time sealed his fate. Shit felt different. Pussy was hitting different. Dick was responding different. His heart was in his mouth like some wide red moon, and when she cried out that he was fucking her and her face looked flustered with confusion after she said it, he thought maybe she was feeling it too. The difference between the two of them together compared to whoever they had been with before in the past. Could she see the moon of his heart on the tip of his tongue when he said her name out loud?

"Ngiyakuthanda!"

The words roared out of his mouth so fast he had no idea he was saying it, and for a frightening moment, he actually thought something physical flew out from between his tongue and teeth.

It was what his father said…no…shouted…and shouted often when he was with Erik's mother in their big bed. Making love.

Erik shouted it out loud, reckless and rawboned.

Like father. Like son.

Fuck was happening?

"Erik…I'm cumming! Ohmigod…Erik! Erik…."

His real name dripping from her lips made his balls throb and through the force of sheer will, he rode out her release without cumming himself.

"Keep cumming on Daddy's dick. It's all yours, girl. All yours. Take what you need, baby."

He could see his wide girth tugging down on her folds, the top of her clit hard like his dick.

Her spasms made her breasts bounce and when he glanced down to watch her pussy choke his dick tight, she was squirting fluid on him.

Rooted deep in her, Erik held still, his arms resting on her shoulders as her erratic breathing calmed down enough for him to drop her legs back onto the bed.

When she was coherent enough to engage with him once more, her eyes went to the joining of their bodies, and then the large damp spot they had created on the bed.

"Sorry," she said, "sometimes…sometimes my body does that too much and I make a mess. I'll buy a new blanket—"

His lips overtook hers and she clung to his shoulders again. Mouth on her collarbone, teeth biting hot flesh, tongue snaking up her winsome neck and behind her ear…

"Don't be sorry for what comes natural to you. I don't give a fuck about these blankets, Yani…"

He pulled out of her and sat on the edge of the bed. Helping her move over to him, Erik made her sit on his dick facing away from him.

"You can squirt on Daddy's dick anytime you want…fuck…ride me Yani…baby, please…"

She spread her thighs and leaned forward. Her hips twisted in a circle and his dick obeyed her command. He let the upper half of his body fall back on the bed and just watched her move.

"Shit baby!"

How many times had he nutted to that photo of her on that album cover? The one with her sitting on the beach in the blue velvet bikini with a big sand handprint on her ass cheek. Now she was finally sitting on his lap. All that fine ass weight on his dick.

Erik reached out and slapped her cheeks. So fucking loud. She bounced and he lost his damn mind when she glanced back at him, her lips pouty and wanton, eyes dewy and heavy-lidded at the same time.

His left hand rose up to hold onto her waist, but her hands were pressed down on the bed, helping her keep balance as she lifted up and down on him. She started grinding on him and when she felt his hand on her, she slapped it away.

"You in this pussy now, Killmonger…"

Shit.

He lifted up on his elbows and widened his legs, forcing her to shift so that her legs were in between his. Bouncing like crazy on him she kept talking that talk.

"Fuck me," she said, but her voice was too soft, just her mouthing the words had him bucking up into her, throwing off her bounce on his dick.

"You want me to call you Daddy?"

His glutes clenched.

"Fuck yeah."

"You gotta fuck me like a Daddy would…"

"You betta watch what you say to me, girl—"

"Or what?"

She was pounding her pussy on him and when he felt her clench just the tip as she lifted off of him, his mouth released a ragged breath that made her laugh at him.

"You think you so funny," he said lifting up and melding his chest into her back. He forced her back down on him. His hot hands reached up and held her breasts, fingers circling her big stiff nipples. Her legs buckled and she lost her balance for a moment and he held her in place.

"You gon' make another mess on me?"

He stroked her hard bud and she trembled on his lap.

"Is that what you want?"

"Yeah. Do that so I can make a big mess in your pussy."

Her right hand reached back and grabbed his hair. His left hand grabbed her throat.

"Nut on this dick, baby. Give Daddy what he wants—"

"Daddy—"

"Yes, baby. Keep going…keep going…" He kept his hand on her throat and placed his other hand on her breast and just held her like that as she rocked that fat ass on him.

He wanted to rip the condom off, make her feel him all the way. She started whining the way he liked to hear her do it and he squeezed her throat a little tighter, gripped that juicy tit a little harder just to let her know he was the one in control.

He needed to see her face.

"Lift up…yeah…turn around…I got you. Slide back down on me girl…"

Erik held her back as she inhaled sharply, her pussy lips spreading around him as she sank back on him. Her soft hands rested on his shoulders and her eyes glazed over while staring into his.

"Oh, Daddy!" The high-pitched squeal from her mouth made him lose it and he reached for her waist with both hands and lifted her up and down himself, impaling her on his erection.

"Yes, Daddy! Yes, Daddy! Yes, Daddy! Yes, Daddy! Yes, Daddy!"

"Fuucckk!"

Eyes locked together, bodies locked together, heartbeats locked together, Erik wanted to stay this way with her forever.

But the hot flood surging from his balls would prevent that.

"Ah fuck…you bitch…oh you bitch…I'm nutting in this pussy…I'm nutting in this pussy baby…goddamn…goddamn you Yani… keep fucking me baby! Ooh shit, Yani…Yani..Yani…"

Her walls squeezed too many times to count, and her mouth shouted out Daddy just as many times.

Big titties shaking in his face, pussy yanking on his dick like it owned him, fat ass clapping on his thighs…she drained his balls. Fuck was he thinking that his dick would write his name in her pussy? Shit, this girl just wrote her name on his pipe.

The condom had to be broken. There was no way it could hold what he just shot inside of her while sucking the life out of him.

Erik fell back on the bed and felt his limbs shake.

"Don't move, don't move, don't move…." he said, but she did anyway, lifting off of him. He gripped the condom and removed it. The contents were still intact. He tied it off and left the bed to toss it in the wastebasket.

Yani let her body sprawl out on the dry parts of the bed, her legs open, her pussy looking gushy and ready for round two. Her eyes drank him in and he laid his body on top off her. She held his weight up. He kissed her tenderly and she gave back in return.

"What does ngiy..a..thanda mean?" she asked.

Trust.

Respect.

Her heart so open to him.

He lied anyway.

"Ngiyakuthanda. It means shit feels good."

"What language is that?"

He lied again.

"Ghanaian. From Ghana."

The intercom crackled to life and Sydette's voice came through loud and clear, her pitiful cries making Erik's heart hurt.

"We lucked out," Yani said.

She kissed Erik on the lips and he was ready to go at her all night. But Sweet Pea needed her. She lifted up and went to a drawer and pulled out a long t-shirt and threw it on. The grin on her face turned something inside of him.

"Be right back," she said.

"Take your time. I'm going to go on down to the main house. I forgot to put some things away."

Her eyes tried to read him and he couldn't hide his lying this time.

"You don't want to stay the night? I can change the bedding—"

"It's better if Sydette gets settled with just you tonight. I'll stay another time…if that's okay."

God, please. Don't let her cry or get angry.

"It's okay…I just thought since we…"

Her eyes were desperate to figure out what she did wrong. He could tell.

He stood up and put on his clothes.

"Go tend to the baby. I'll see you at breakfast. Yani…it's all good. Really. Baby you were more than anything I was expecting….I just need to clear up some stuff."

He walked over to her and kissed her lips again.

Fuck. She was going to cry as soon as he left.

He wanted nothing more than to be inside of her again, but he was afraid to do it again. Afraid to sleep with her that night. Afraid that he would say more shit he shouldn't say out loud.

How could he explain to her that he was scared shitless because sex between them was too damn good and it was raising his anxiety?

Blurting out shit in his father's language let him know he was in big trouble. Just like he knew he was in trouble when he first heard her voice.

Sydette's crying grew louder and Yani rushed out from the room to see about her.

Erik put his hands over his face, then tilted back his neck and closed his eyes.

Having her fucked him up.

She didn't know any Wakandan but her body sure as shit reacted to his words.

Now he really knew.

He was in love with her.

Didn't know how much until he told her.

###

Yani woke up early next to Sydette.

Her daughter nursed from her and it gave Yani time to mull over the previous night with Erik. Her body still ached from his lovemaking, her thighs and breasts felt tender from where he bit her. When she looked down at her thigh near the swelling of her vulva, she saw fresh purplish-red bruising from his teeth.

Her pussy still felt full, like some ghostly afterimage of his dick was still inside of her. She had a good aching all over.

Their sex was…

Unreal.

She thought she knew what good sex was. Lord knows she had run after good dick before from some of the worst men on the island. Just because.

But it was all taking from their end. She was the one always giving, but this one time, the sex was a mutual giving and taking. And receiving. That's what was missing from so many sexual encounters. She received something from Erik, something powerful. He gave of himself, even in the midst of the aggressive parts, the rough domineering qualities he put on full display, Yani felt a soft quality oozing from him that she had never experienced before. Past lovers wanted a notch on their belt, the prize of being able to brag that they had been with the Black Mermaid in any capacity even after she had left them high and dry because she was dissatisfied with them. Sex was about getting from her. Taking from her. Bust her open and bust a nut.

But this man.

He let her have something precious from him. His vulnerability.

It was in his eyes. In the way he touched her before they got a little wild. The timbre in his voice as he shouted her name in the midst of his orgasm.

She was perplexed by the abrupt way he left her. She thought everything had been amazing, was ready to get on her hands and knees for him, hold him to his promise of beating up her folds from behind. Something had gone wrong. Something changed his mind about her. It couldn't be the baby. Please don't let it be her baby. Every man she had been with who shouted like that didn't go running off in the middle of the night with some flimsy excuse of forgetting something back home. It made her feel so many doubts. What if he had second thoughts?

When Sydette lost interest in being breast-fed, Yani changed the girl's diaper and slipped on a plastic swimsuit bottom to keep her diaper dry. She put on some black boy shorts styled bikini bottoms and decided to go topless down to the cove. She smeared sunblock on Sydette's naked chest and limbs and carried her daughter down the hidden path to the cove. An early morning swim before breakfast. She needed to give herself time to face Erik, in case he decided to cool things between them.

When she neared Klaue's main house, she couldn't tell if Erik was up or not, things looked and sounded quiet. Once she had soft sand under her feet, she carried Sydette into the balmy sea and waded in up to her waist.

"Ready, Sweet Pea?" she said, and Sydette wiggled in her hands before Yani blew on her nose and let her go.

Sydette dropped below the surface and Yani watched her baby girl flail her arms and legs before bouncing back up to the surface and floating on her back. "Good girl!" Yani shouted clapping her hands.

Sydette's voice sounded like tiny bells ringing as her lips peeled back into a smile showing her dimples.

"Let's do it again," Yani said moving them into deeper water.

She helped Sydette lift up and blew on her nose again.

A large wave pushed against them when Yani released the baby, and for a second Sydette looked disoriented underwater. Yani ducked her head under and watched her child gyrate like a dolphin and break the surface on her own. Her body floated once more on her back.

"You are such a good swimmer, Sweet Pea!"

She let Sydette float on her own for about ten minutes, the waves raising up her chubby form and pushing her toward shore. Yani kept an eye on her, keeping tabs on her daughter's comfort level. When Sydette started making stress sounds, Yani reached for her and held her against her chest.

"Mommy's here, see? Right here with you."

She kissed her daughter's face and floated around with her.

"Ready to go under?"

Sydettes's big eyes, carbon copies of her own, stayed glued to Yani's face. Yani moved closer to shore so that her feet were once more touching sand.

"Okay, here we go…one...two…there…"

She blew on Sydette's nose and held her own breath as she took them both down. Eyes still on Sydette, she kept them under for five seconds before going back up. They did this several times until Yani felt Sydette had enough by the way she was fretting. It was always best to end swim lessons on a positive note rather than a stressful one.

She carried the baby out of the water and walked back up toward the middle house. There was time to clean up and get ready for breakfast…

Erik watched them from his perch on the wrap-around balcony of Klaue's home.

"Look who it is, Sweet Pea?" she said.

When they were closer to the house, Yani could see the intense stare that Erik gave her. Then she remembered that she was barefoot and topless, with tiny bottoms on that hid nothing. A wolfish expression on his face, Erik waved them over to him.

His eyes became elevators as they traveled up and down her damp body. Unblinking and unapologetic.

"Damn, girl. This how you get up in the morning for breakfast?" he said.

His morning voice sounded husky, she could almost feel it physically on her skin when she stood in front of him. He wore knee-length red surfer shorts and a Billabong t-shirt. Fresh-squeezed orange juice sat in a thick glass clutched in his hand.

"Juice!" Sydette said, her left hand reaching for Erik's glass.

"You want some? I don't have a sippy cup for you."

Sydette nodded her head vigorously and her body leaned away from Yani and went toward Erik. He moved in an took her from Yani's arms. He tried to carefully tilt the glass for Sydette's lips, but the baby reached up suddenly and grabbed the glass, spilling juice in her mouth and all over Erik's shirt.

"Sydette!" Yani shouted reaching for her daughter so Erik could clean himself up. Erik released the baby and pulled off his shirt.

"No big deal, I'm just gonna be topless like y'all now."

He smiled at her, but she caught his eyes sneaking a peek at her chest again.

"Ready to eat?" he said.

"We have to get some clothes—"

"Nah, today is Shirtless Saturday. It's our new tradition. Food is already out—"

"Out?"

He pointed behind him. He had set up a breakfast table for them all on the balcony.

"Go have a seat."

She walked over with the baby and placed her in the high chair he brought out. Scrambled eggs, sausage, grits (with cheese!), sliced bananas, and wheat toast covered in strawberry jam greeted them all. Yani didn't waste time admiring the spread, she tucked in with him and they each took turns feeding Sydette unsalted grits and a jar of chicken and gravy baby food.

Lips smacking from the food, Sydette kept reaching for the small teacup spoon in Erik's hand.

"You want to feed yourself?" Erik asked.

"Don't—"

Too late.

Erik let Sydette grip the spoon and grits went flying onto the balcony deck. Sydette cracked up and her laughter had Erik giggling. That made Sydette laugh even more and Erik laughed harder. "She sounds like a chuckle clown doll," Erik said.

Sydette really started hamming it up and Erik held his side. Watching them both cackle made Yani laugh with them.

"Get the spoon from her—"

Too late again.

Sydette dipped the spoon in the chicken and gravy and flung it backward, leaving a splatter of food on Klaue's living room window. Erik wiped the window down as Yani wrestled the spoon from Sydette's fingers.

"No, Mama!"

"Don't act up, Sydette—"

"Sweet Pea."

Erik's voice was firm but pleasant. Sydette's eyes watched him.

"Don't do that," he said.

It looked like Sydette would start crying, but Erik shook his head at her and the baby picked up a tiny piece of banana on her plate and ate it without a fuss.

Picking up their plates, Yani stood up to go into the house. Erik followed her and touched the back of her neck pulling her back to him. His eyes darted back to look at Sydette who was fine eating her tiny banana slices and watching the water.

"Forget Shirtless Saturdays, I want you like this all the time," he said.

"Titties out all day?"

"Fuck yeah."

He pushed up on her feeling up her breasts. She held out her hands still holding their breakfast plates. When his tongue curled around her left nipple, she almost dropped the dishes. His mouth found her lips and he kissed her. He took the dishes from her.

"Today is your day. I'll take care of the dishes and you tell me what you want to do."

Any doubts she had about him not wanting to be with her dissipated. Whatever he was mentally going through last night when he left her, he had clearly come to terms with it. He had her nipples hard and her breathing sped up.

The baby was still up and around them.

"I want to lie on the couch in my house and read a book. What do you want to do?"

"Lie on the couch next to you and chill."

Erik put the dishes away while Yani took Sydette up to her house.

She liked the sound of that. Her house.

She took the rubber panties off of Sydette and checked for any soiling and found none. Checking for any hazards in the living room, Yani let the baby move freely around the wide-open space, leaving a few toys for her to play with and closing off all other doors and access to other rooms.

Grabbing the Stephen King short story collection she borrowed from Twyla on the coffee table, Yani opened up all the living room windows and threw herself on the couch. She began reading and Erik soon joined her with his own book. They spent a good two hours simply reading and keeping an eye on Sydette until she fell asleep. Yani picked her up and placed her in her own room and returned for more reading pleasure.

She made herself and Erik turkey sandwiches for lunch and they ate on the couch while talking about their respective books. Erik was power reading through a N.K. Jemisin fantasy novel and Yani made him tell her the plot, completely ignoring her own book. Erik sprawled out on her lap, his head resting on her thighs as he looked up at her. She stroked his locs as he told her the main plot of the story, but then his voice stopped and he just…stared at her face.

"What? Keep telling me the rest," she said.

His hand left hand reached up and fondled her right breast and it caught her off guard. She had been topless for hours and had forgotten about it. Erik lifted his head and sucked on her nipples. Yani reached for the big fluffy throw pillow that her left arm rested on and sat it on her lap under Erik's neck. He rested back on it so that she was cradling him and he continued sucking. She felt a dampness between her legs as she murmured words of encouragement to him, making him groan with his mouth and teeth tugging on her tits. Heat bloomed in her chest and she felt milk falling down into his mouth.

Soft sighs fell from her lips and her eyes took in the growth of his dick in his shorts. She reached down and stroked him, helped him pull his shorts down all the way so that his erection sprang free, the heat from his dick warming up her hand as she encircled the wide dome. His teeth held her pebbled left nipple, but she felt the hot pants escaping his mouth as she tugged on his girth. Pre-cum slid down her fist as it curled around his dark shaft. The sensation of his teeth biting her nipples as her milk dripped on his tongue and the intense pulses swelling her clit made her squirm in her seat.

His fingers splayed out around her wet tips as he continued massaging her breasts, but his eyes watched her hand work over his dick. His slit spilled more pre-cum and she swirled it around the head to make sure she made him slick. His breath quickened and he latched onto her nipple again, sucking and licking away every drop that pooled and released from her tits. Each breast was catered to, his full lips languorous on the supple skin, waking up every nerve ending that got wrapped up in their thickness. When he gazed up at her with his mouth full of her breasts and milk, she found the intimacy so profound, it wasn't a surprise to feel herself cumming. Her voice cracked when she cried out.

Erik groaned into her nipple and she watched his slick dick spurt hot semen all over her hand that still fisted him as he sucked her tits to his heart's delight. A heavier deluge of cum ran down her fingers and Erik's left hand reached out and grabbed her shoulder as he panted. When he finally unlatched his mouth from her, the sweat from his body began to turn cool, just as his release started to turn clear and spill over onto the couch. She lowered her head and kissed him.

"Another new tradition," he panted.

"What's that?" she said smearing his cum all over her nipples for him.

He added more cum to her chest from his own fingers, making sure every inch of his seed was smeared all over her chest.

"Every day after lunch you have to hold me like this, lemme suck on these tits…lemme cum in your hand like this—"

"Let you cover my tits like this too?" she said.

His eyes watched her fingers continue to go from his sticky release on his dick and then spread it on her nipples. Her areolas were shiny with his cum.

"You have no idea what you do to me, girl."

"I think I do," she said.

His dick was still hard.

"I don't think so."

"Try me—"

He lifted up from her and threw the pillow on the floor in front of the couch. Pulling her up he forced her knees onto the pillow.

"Don't move," he said.

She heard him leave the room and when he returned, she felt his sheathed fat head tease her wet folds. She clutched the couch cushion when he plunged in. He held still and let her feel the hardness in her depths.

"I'ma be in you like this all day every day, Yani."

The first hard thrust made her bite the cushion. His right hand pressed down on her lower back, forcing her to arch more for him.

"You had me fucked up last night…but I got it under control now, baby."

Yani's teeth bit even harder into the couch, her mouth wide open in a silent scream his passionate thrusts preventing her from making a sound. He was going in for the kill.

"Three…four times a day, baby."

"Yessssss—"

"You got me last night, but not this time—"

"Oh…Kill—"

"I want to see you walking around me butt naked all the time. Riding my dick for breakfast…sucking my dick for lunch…riding my face and soaking this beard for dinner—"

"Oh God—"

"Oh God nothin'. You showed me last night that you know how to take care of Daddy. Do it again. Throw it back on me, girl."

He slapped her ass so hard and so many times forcing her to give him all that he wanted.

"Yeah…cheeks is clappin'. Stop playin' and put it on me."

He gripped her neck.

Fingers so tight on her throat.

He meant what he said.

She had no idea what was in store for her and she didn't care. This was her man now. If this nigga said drop down in the middle of the street and split them legs wide open, she would do it.

He stopped suddenly and she turned back to look at him. The heat in his eyes made her stomach tumble.

"Go get your anal plug. I'm bout to tear this pussy up."

Grateful tears pressed from her lids.

"Okay—"

"Okay what?"

There was tension in his voice.

"Okay, Daddy."

"Good, girl. Now get that plug."

###

Chapter 13

Tag List:

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@tyees

[nellie-elizabeth]

Schitt's Creek: The Presidential Suite (6x08)

Aww, that made my heart hurt a little bit!

Cons:

Moira is always hilarious, but I'll say that my least favorite story of the evening goes to Moira and Johnny, all the same. Basically it's some drama about upgrading their room at the motel. Roland and Jocelyn are also looking to get away from the chaos at home, since they are renting out an extra room and have a new baby as well. It was all... fine, but not the kind of thing I think I'll be remembering long-term.

The same can be said for Patrick and David's plot thread, although of course I could never get sick of watching the two of them. It's just... a person getting a spray-tan that goes wrong is kind of a played-out sitcom trope. I feel like I've seen it on several different comedies and it never offers more than just a single paltry visual gag. They didn't take it too far, since this show is quite restrained in most respects, but the whole concept had me shrugging my shoulders more than anything else.

Pros:

But even when a plot thread on Schitt's Creek is somewhat mediocre, there are always moments of brilliance.

For example, Moira's dramatics about the cold water in the sink and the narrow doorways in the hotel was so over-the-top and silly, and you just know that she and Johnny have this unspoken language about how to process differences in opinion. Moira is telling Johnny that this is important to her, and Johnny listens.

I also thought it was sweet that they ultimately gave the room up to Roland and Jocelyn. The four of them might not admit it openly very often, but they are friends, and now they're all in business together. Of course they'll make sacrifices for each other. Very sweet.

David and Patrick are having their picture taken by Ray for their wedding, so they can send pictures to distant relatives, etc. David sends Patrick away to get "pampered," which ends up being code for getting a spray tan so he doesn't look so washed out in the pictures. I loved grumpy Patrick, even if the whole tanning story seemed a little predictable. And they did look very cute all wrapped up in each other at the end, while Stevie took pictures.

Ray is actually super hilarious. I loved all of his silly backgrounds for the pictures, and the mouse pads... he's ridiculous, and clashes so much with David's elegant and extravagant sensibilities. It's another sign that David has actually changed a lot, though, because he's okay with a more low-key wedding in Schitt's Creek, instead of freaking out about everything going perfectly.

The bulk of the episode this week focused on Alexis and Ted, and oh boy did it make me emotional. I've got to confess, first off, that I've always been pretty neutral on Alexis and Ted. I liked them just fine, but didn't have "feels" about them, so to speak. But I do have all the feels about Alexis' personal growth, and this episode was a stand-up example of how far she's come. It's so obvious how much she and Ted care for each other, but in this moment they both realize that what's best for them as individuals isn't sustainable for them as a couple. And so they make the mature, heartbreaking decision to part ways.

Alexis' goodbye dinner to Ted was... a lot. I was incredibly moved by the thought and care she put into it, and by the way they both gracefully accepted the end of something beautiful. This truly was a mutual breakup, both of them so proud of the other for their career successes, both sad but also calm about the natural end of something good.

I also really appreciated that Alexis went to Twyla for advice and comfort as she contemplated the end of her relationship. Their friendship is something special, and I'd love to get some more time between the two of them before the show ends!

So there you are. I continue to be delighted with Patrick and David being a happy couple, well on their way to wedded bliss. And I'm proud of Alexis for doing the right thing, even though it's painful!

8/10

[unfolded73]

How Do We Get Back (15/16) - schitt’s creek ff

Summary: In a literal alternate universe where the Roses escaped financial ruin, David and Patrick struggle with loneliness and a sense that something isn’t right. A chance meeting in New York and a terrible tragedy drive them to question whether the timeline they are on is the right one. Explicit, this chapter 3.6k words.  (ao3)

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14

_____________________________________

Chapter 15

David opened his eyes and stared at the stained popcorn ceiling overhead. He sighed and closed his eyes, ready to fall back to sleep, but nagging responsibility kept him from drifting off. He had a lot to do, and not much time left to do it in. Groaning, he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

The bed next to his was empty. Giving it a quick glance, he gathered up some clothes and went into the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day.

While the water warmed up, he stared at himself in the mirror, touching the dark circles under his eyes and wincing. He hadn’t been sleeping enough lately: too many worries to get a good night’s sleep. Testing the water, David slipped off his pajamas and got under the inadequate spray.

After so long in this motel, he had his shower routine down to about seven minutes, which his old self would have died to think of. But the hot water was limited, and the weak water pressure wasn’t particularly pleasurable to stand under, and so he’d paired it down to the basics of washing, shampooing, and conditioning. At seven minutes exactly, he turned the water off and groped for his towel.

Face shaven, hair blow dried and styled, daytime moisturizer with sunscreen applied, and clothes on, he stepped out of the bathroom and went over to the door to the adjoining room. He tapped and listened for a ‘come in’ before he entered.

His mother was sitting at the round table in her pajamas, sipping a cup of tea and reading a book. His father was pulling on his suit jacket next to the wig wall.

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I should be ready to open the store in just a couple more weeks.”

“Oh, that’s great news! A grand opening!” Johnny said.

“It’s certainly taken long enough; we’ve been waiting with bated breath,” Moira said.

“Okay,” David said in acknowledgement of his mother’s negativity before turning to his father. “I was thinking about a soft launch, actually? Like, Gwyneth soft launched the Goop newsletter and now it’s a thriving lifestyle publication?”

“Who?” Johnny asked as he adjusted the collar of his shirt in the mirror.

“I don’t know, David, that sounds meek!” Moira proclaimed, setting her book down and looking at him. “You’re looking very tired, dear. The bags under your eyes would barely fit in the overhead compartment.”

David huffed, throwing his hands up. “Getting the store ready to open is a lot of work.” And more importantly, he’d been lying awake worrying about all the things he needed to do, and worse, all the things that he probably didn’t know that he needed to do.

“You should probably hire some help, son.” Johnny sat down with his wife at the table and picked up the newspaper.

“I intend to, eventually, but I don’t have the money to pay anyone at this point. Hiring someone means you have to pay them.”

His mother was looking at him pityingly, as if maybe she was wondering if they wouldn’t have all been better off if Christmas World hadn’t changed their mind about moving into the town. In his darker moments, David wondered that too.

“Anyway, I’m thinking I’ll do an exclusive opening for friends and family only. Maybe I’ll offer a discount.”

“On the first day? Sounds a bit defeatist.” His mother shook her head, picking up the book she had been reading and opening it. “Well, David, we’ll be happy to come and support your modest little vigil, if ever the day for it finally arrives.”

“Great. So glad I came in here,” he said, going back to his room and leaning against the closed door, taking a second to wallow in the shaky feeling of inadequacy that his parents were so good at mining, even if it wasn’t intentional. He took some deep breaths, trying to calm himself down.

The outside door to the motel room opened and Alexis came in, dressed in her running clothes.

“I’ve just about had it with Mom and Dad,” David said.

She pulled out her ear buds. “What?”

“I said I’ve just about had it with Mom and Dad.”

“Why?”

“Hey, can you help me at the store today? I have a list of things to do that’s like a mile long and I really don’t know if I can do it all by myself.”

Alexis put on a wincing expression. “I need to study, actually.”

“It’s Saturday morning; you can’t need to study that badly.”

“I have a history test on Monday, David,” she insisted, flipping her ponytail. “But fine, I can help you. I’m not carrying any heavy boxes, though.”

“Ugh, fine.” He watched Alexis as she went over and set her phone and ear buds down on the table between their beds, then pulled her ponytail holder out and shook out her hair. “Are you done in the bathroom? Because I need to shower,” she said, moving over to the closet to pick an outfit.

“Yeah, I’m…” Something was bothering him, like he’d forgotten to tell Alexis something. He felt a sudden, keen worry for her in the pit of his stomach, like when she used to send word to him from a sultan’s palace that she needed a new passport, a wig, and some colored contact lenses.

Alexis turned, a dress on a hanger in one hand. “You’re what?”

David shook himself. “I’m done in the bathroom.” Looking at her face, the sudden urge to cry took hold of him. “I think I might need a hug?”

“Ew, David. I’m sweaty right now,” Alexis said. “What’s wrong with you?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t know, I feel…” He couldn’t articulate it. “I think I might just be really lonely,” he said, which didn’t have anything to do with the anxiety about Alexis that had grabbed hold of his throat a minute ago, but it also wasn’t untrue.

Alexis laid her dress on the bed and came over to give him a very hesitant hug, but David overruled her, pulling her into a firmer embrace. “I’m glad you’re my sister,” he said, swallowing against a lump in his throat.

“David, you’re being very needy,” she said, slapping gently at his shoulder until he let her go. “But I’m also glad… that you’re my brother,” she said, pulling away and looking anywhere but at his face. “Okay, if you want my help today, then you have to let me go get ready.”

He watched her until she shut the bathroom door.

~*~

Gwen was late to Jazzagals rehearsal, and so when she arrived and ducked in behind Twyla and next to Ronnie, vocal warm-ups were just ending.

“Now,” Moira Rose said, clapping her hands. She had on a white-and-black vertically striped dress, similarly striped tights, and white shoes with heels so high, Gwen couldn’t imagine how anyone could walk in them without snapping an ankle. “Everyone please get out your sheet music for ‘It’s Raining Men’; I’d like to begin with the bridge today.”

Gwen tapped Twyla on the shoulder. “Do you have a minute to talk after rehearsal?” she whispered.

Twyla winced. “I have to get to my shift after this; can we talk on the way to the café?”

Moira shot them a disparaging glance for whispering during rehearsal, and so Gwen quickly found her place in the music and began to sing.

It had started with dreams, several weeks ago, that she was living out on the street in a strange city. She would wake up shivering, convinced that the cold and damp was sinking into her bones and freezing her from the inside out, only to awake to find herself safe in her warm bed with Bob. Dream after dream, the same — cold winters and rain and homeless shelters or the unforgiving sidewalk for a bed. Then she began to dream that she was chasing after David Rose, of all people — she didn’t think she’d ever exchanged two words with the man in all of the time that the Roses had lived in Schitt’s Creek, and yet he was plaguing her dreams. Either him, or another man that she didn’t recognize.

She’d been documenting the dreams on the message boards from the very start — all of them were encouraged to do that. Dreams could be powerful portents for what was to come, particularly for people who lived at weak points like Gwen did, and a lot of her fellow technopagans had much to say on the reason for these dreams, none of it useful. Until yesterday.

The rehearsal dragged by, Moira’s exacting standards and occasionally thoughtless comments bringing out a few passive aggressive mutterings from Jocelyn. Finally, it ended, and Gwen made the usual pleasantries with her fellow townswomen for a few minutes before hurrying to follow Twyla out the door.

“Sorry to bother you, Twyla, but I wanted to talk to you about your grandmother,” Gwen said.

“Oh yeah?” Twyla flashed her an easy smile. “What about her?”

“The stories around town were that she had powers.” Gwen glanced around to make sure no one was close enough to hear them. “That she understood what Schitt’s Creek is and how to exploit it.”

Twyla looked at her, surprised. “Yeah, there were always stories, but I’m not sure how true any of them are. She certainly believed she had powers to touch other dimensions. Which, I know, sounds crazy.”

“Not so crazy.” They were almost to the café, and Gwen knew she had a limited amount of time with which to speak before she risked being overheard. She put a hand on Twyla’s upper arm and stopped her. “We can’t feel it, but people with powers that greatly exceed my own have confirmed it — there was a huge shift in the timeline a couple of years ago. No one knows why, or how, but they believe that the universe was almost headed down a very dark path and that someone set it right.”

Twlya’s eyes were as big as saucers. “Really?”

Gwen nodded. “Or, almost right. It was a patch job, that was the way my coven— er, someone I know on the internet described it. So some things are still out of place. Some threads were dropped. People have been working to set them right, no matter how trivial they might seem. And now it seems I’ve found another dropped thread.”

“What is it?” Twyla asked in a hushed tone.

“Someone who is supposed to be here in Schitt’s Creek, but isn’t.”

“Who?”

“Don’t worry about that,” Gwen said, not wanting to get into more detail. “When you get off work, can you bring me everything you have that belonged to your grandmother? Letters, diaries, anything like that?”

Twyla nodded. “Of course. I have a box of her stuff, although I don’t remember what’s in it, exactly.”

“Perfect. Go, get to work before you’re late,” Gwen said, indicating the café. “And Twyla? Don’t tell anyone we talked about this.”

Twyla frowned, and then wiped the frown from her face and replaced it with a smile. “No problem, Gwen.”

~*~

“What’s this?” Alexis said, picking up a large white envelope from the counter.

David glanced up. “Oh, it’s got my business license in it. I guess I’m suppose to… display it?” He looked up at the wall behind where the cash register was going to go. “I don’t know, I don’t really have time to think about it.” He went into the back to get another heavy box of hand cream to have Alexis put the labels on for him so that he could focus on setting up the cases where the fresh vegetables were going to go when they were in season.

They worked all day, or David worked all day while Alexis intermittently worked and sampled products that weren’t really samples while David restrained himself from slapping them out of her hands. Stevie stopped by after her shift at the motel, and although her goal in coming by was to drink with him, David managed to press her into service as well, putting bottles of body milk onto the shelves. Alexis took that as her cue to leave, flouncing out the door and heading over to the café.

“Can you drink this?” Stevie asked, holding up one of the bottles.

“It’s liquid moisturizer,” David replied with an eye roll.

“It says milk, though.”

The bell on the door rang again, and David looked up to see Ray Butani coming in.

“David, I looked over your business plan,” he said without any preamble, “and I have some concerns.”

Stevie gave David a questioning look.

“Ray is helping me with some of the business stuff,” David explained.

“For a nominal fee,” Ray said quickly, like he didn’t want any rumors to get around town that he was doing work for anyone for free. “Anyway, David, while I think eventually you’ll have enough money coming in to sustain you, I don’t think you have enough start up money to get you through the first year.”

David’s heart sank. “But I’m not buying the products, I’m selling them on consignment—”

“No, I know that, David, that’s the reason that I’m not coming in here and saying your business is going to fail. Which I would do if you weren’t selling on consignment.” Ray smiled at him, and David recoiled at the Ray’s toothy grin. “But there are still start up costs that you have to deal with while you’re building the business.”

“So where do I get this start up money?” David asked.

“I don’t know!” Ray cooed cheerfully. “But that’s my assessment. I wrote it all up for you,” he said, handing David a folder. “I’ve got to run; I’ve got a date.” Ray turned to leave, and then stooped and picked something up from the floor. “You dropped this,” Ray said, handing David a small card.

“Must have fallen out of one of the boxes,” David said, slipping it in his pocket since he didn’t have a trash can handy.

“See you later!” Before David could say anything else, Ray had gone again.

“Well, fuck,” David said. “My business is going to fail.”

“He specifically said he wasn’t saying it was going to fail,” Stevie said.

“But he also said I needed more start up money, which is basically the same thing,” David set the folder down and shook his hands out, feeling his heart starting to race. “I don’t have more money.”

“Okay, you’re freaking out.” She set her bottle of body milk down and pulled something out of her pocket and held it up. “I found this under the bed in room two this morning, so do you want to take a break and share it with me?”

David winced, looking at the joint in Stevie’s hand. “That’s disgusting. And yes. Yes, I do.”

~*~

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” David murmured, tipping his chair back and letting his head recline to look at the ceiling. The store had a really nice ceiling, but no one was going to look at it, probably. What a waste.

“You do know what you’re doing,” Stevie said from the floor. “You’ve walked me through it a million times.”

“I know what I’m doing with the whole…” He gestured around at the store. “I don’t know what I’m doing with the money.”

Stevie propped herself up on an elbow and held out her hand, snapping her fingers until he handed her the mostly smoked joint. “Well, don’t ask me to help you with that. I don’t do math.”

“You’re useless.”

“And your stained glass back there looks like they have dicks on them,” Stevie said, pointing at the decorative hangings on the back wall.

“That’s why I like them.”

Stevie inhaled a long drag and handed the joint back, lying flat on the floor again. “You need a partner.”

“I should start with a first date, maybe,” David said.

Laughing, Stevie rolled over onto her stomach. “Not that kind of partner, you complete idiot. A business partner.”

“Oh, a business partner. Okay, well where am I going to find that here?” David slid down off of his chair onto the floor next to Stevie. The ceiling really was beautiful. Not like the ceiling at the motel that he’d been staring at for years, water-stained and horribly textured. Maybe he could just sleep here. He could live in the store, amongst his perfectly ordered bottles of facial cleanser and lotions and baggies of tea until they hauled him away for not paying his taxes or not making the lease payments on the store. One of the hundred financial things that he was guaranteed to screw up because his parents hadn’t prepared him for any of this.

Stevie reached over and threaded their fingers together. David was touch-starved, and it felt good to hold his friend’s hand. “I wish I knew. I really want you to succeed at this.”

He snorted. “You get so sincere when you’re high.”

“Take that back.”

They lay there in silence for a while, and then Stevie let go of his hand and reached for his pocket.

“What are you doing?” David asked.

“There’s something falling out of your pocket.” Her hand withdrew, and she was holding a card up to her face. “Who’s Patrick Brewer?”

David was watching the way the sunlight played over the bottles of toner. It was one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen. Belatedly, he registered that Stevie had asked him a question. “Who’s what?”

She was clumsily waving the business card in his face now, risking a paper cut on the bridge of his nose, so he snatched the card. “This business card from your pocket. Patrick Brewer. Who’s that?”

“I don’t know, Ray picked this up off the floor earlier. It’s not mine; it must have fallen out of one of the boxes.” He squinted at the business card.

Patrick Brewer, B.B.A. Freelance Business Consultant

“Huh.”

Stevie grabbed the card back. “It’s a card for a business guy.”

“That’s kind of spooky, given what we were just talking about,” David said.

“You should call him!” Stevie said.

“What, and ask him to come work for my failing business?”

She rolled her eyes and struggled up into a sitting position. “No, but it says business consultant. Maybe he’d give you better advice than Ray.”

David didn’t say anything to that, and after a few seconds Stevie shoved on his shoulder and put the business card on his chest. “Call him.”

Closing his eyes, David sighed. “Maybe later.”

“No, I know you — you say ‘later’ but you won’t do it. Call him right now.” Stevie tapped on the card and on his sternum underneath it. “I’m not leaving until you call him.”

With a groan, David sat up, grabbing for the card as it fluttered into his lap and pulling his phone out of his pocket with the other hand. “Fine.” It took longer than it probably should have for him to remember how to dial a number on his phone, and then longer still to squint at the small numbers and type them in correctly, but he finally managed it. He listened to distant ringing, followed by a nice voice saying he’d reached Patrick Brewer and to leave a message. It was a short, no-nonsense message. No frills. Unremarkable. Still, the brief sound of that voice made his heart race.

“Hi David, it’s Patrick,” he said at the beep, and then immediately winced while Stevie laughed silently at him. “I found your card… your business card… in my store, and I was wondering if you… umm… no. I think I called you David, and that’s not your name. I’m David… David Rose, and I own a store that… well, we sell local products and crafts, and I was wondering if you’d be interested in consulting with me. For me. Okay. Ciao.” He pressed the button to end the call. “Ciao. I said ‘Ciao’ to that person.”

“Masterful,” Stevie said, standing up.

“You’re the one who made me call when I was high.” He was staring at his phone again. “I forgot to tell him where the store is. And I didn’t explain it well enough.”

Stevie grabbed her messenger bag and threw it over her shoulder. “Well, better call back and leave another message,” she said as she headed toward the door. “I’m gonna go home and crash. See you tomorrow?”

David waved absently at her, pressing the button to call Patrick Brewer and leave another message.

~*~

“Well?” Twyla said as she put Stevie’s ticket for her takeout on the order wheel.

“It worked. I had to slave over containers of hand cream for a couple of hours and smoke half a joint, but I finally managed to get him to do it,” Stevie said, her head starting to ache as she sobered up. “Now are you going to explain why it was so important that David call that guy? And why I had to be so sneaky about it?”

Twyla gave her a cheerful shrug as she wiped down the counter. “I’m not sure I understand it either, and I’m pretty sure Gwen wouldn’t tell me if I asked. It’s just… important for David. And for Schitt’s Creek. That’s all I know.”

Stevie shook her head. “And they call me the creepy one in this town.”

Chapter 16

[lickrustdavid]

Keeping It Together  2.1k  AO3 Patrick Brewer is the master of composure. Until he bolts in the middle of ringing up a customer. AKA Patrick has a migraine and it goes about as well as you would expect. 

((I hope you all enjoy some fluff, a little bit of fighting, and one of my absolute favorite things I’ve written- a paragraph about Patrick and his personality. This fic also includes mentions of vomiting but doesn’t go into any detail.)) 

+ + +

David’s waiting outside the cafe, frowning as he checks his phone and sees it’s two minutes past eight. He’s come from the motel, having spent the night helping Alexis with Ted things, and it had been nice. They’d done facials and caught each other up on different things they’d not had the time for lately. Patrick had texted him last night they could meet up at the cafe at eight, grab some breakfast and then head into the store. It’s unlike his fiance to be late, and when it’s almost ten past, David starts wondering if he should call, but then Patrick’s silver car is pulling up and he lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. 

Stepping out, the first thing David notices is that Patrick is wearing sunglasses. He hardly ever wears them, and it’s not like the sun is glaring down this early, which makes David feel oddly uneasy. He can’t exactly pinpoint why, maybe it’s just the unusuality of it, coupled with the fact Patrick’s button down isn’t perfectly pressed like it normally is- a few tiny creases that tell David he skipped the ironing today. 

“Hey, sorry I’m late, I overslept,” Patrick explains, kissing David’s cheek and opening the door for him. Once inside, David watches as his fiance waits a moment before sliding his sunglasses off and, almost imperceptibly, gives a wince like a flashlight had just been turned on and shown into his face. 

“You never oversleep,” David wrinkles his nose, the uneasiness in his stomach growing. “Are you okay? You seem…” he trails off, unable to find the right word. Patrick nods, looking at the menu a moment even though both of them know what they’re getting already. 

“I’m fine, my routine’s just thrown off. I thought I pressed snooze on my phone when it went off, but I actually turned it off,” he laughs a little, grabbing David’s hand. David wants to argue that he usually doesn’t press snooze either, but decides not to push it. “How was it with Alexis last night?” 

David squeezes his hand back, foot nudging against his. “It was good. I mean...it’s kind of a total mess between her and Ted and trying to figure out what she wants to do with her business. But getting to spend time with her was surprisingly nice. We did face masks and gossiped, and there wasn’t any fighting” he grins, shrugging his shoulder. 

“Sounds like you guys miss each other,” Patrick comments, smiling when Twyla walks over. They order their usual- a breakfast plate and orange juice for David, and an oatmeal and tea for Patrick, then continue to talk. David starts letting the knot uncoil in his stomach when Patrick seems normal for the duration of their meal. They’ve come up with a method of paying, going back and forth on the bills unless it’s something special one of them has set up like going to Elmdale for dinner. Patrick pays and thanks Twyla, leaving a five dollar bill on the table for her, before they make their way out. 

The knot in David’s stomach is back when Patrick slips his sunglasses on again before they make it out the door, wrapping an arm around his waist like usual. “Are those new? They look good on you,” David hopes his voice sounds more curious than worried, as they cross the street. 

“Hmm? Oh, no, I’ve had them for a while.” When he doesn’t elaborate, David rolls his eyes a little, thankful Patrick’s looking ahead and not at him. 

That’s one thing about Patrick Brewer- he’s exhaustively good. He’s kind and thoughtful and the biggest people pleaser David’s ever met. He’ll put others' needs before his own, wants to make sure everyone is treated equally, will always try to find the good in people. And while it’s something David loves about him, how optimistic, loyal and absolutely pure-hearted he is, it can also be the more frustrating part about him. He tampers down his own problems, locks away any negative emotions, tries to be so put together he’ll end up running himself into the ground or cracking. David knows he’s been working on it, knows he’s more self-aware, but sometimes it’s reflexive and he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. 

Getting inside, Patrick takes his glasses off, sets his things down, and excuses himself to the restroom while David starts opening the safe to count the till and make sure it’s balanced at two hundred dollars. He thinks it’s silly, sometimes, that they count both evening and morning, because they both obviously aren’t stealing and they would be alerted if there had been a break in. But it’s all about the principal of the things, and the fact they had to keep a log to turn into the state at the end of every month to show they’re being honest. By the time David’s sliding the till into the register, Patrick walks back from the restroom, hands slightly damp from washing them. 

“We have a few orders coming in today,” he tells David, who looks up and nods. Something seems off, the way Patrick is carrying himself, the way his voice sounds, but he can’t put his finger on exactly what it is. 

“Okay, I’ll start on that then,” David nods, trying to not get too caught up. Obviously if he doesn’t want to tell him, then there’s nothing really major going on. Is he still going to think about it most of the day? Of course. But right now he needs to focus on getting the table ready. The store opens while David does his merchandising, Patrick taking care of the customers that come in. Around ten thirty the new shipment arrives and they crack it open, new scents of candles and bath salts billowing up into the air from the boxes. They start unboxing it all, and from that moment, Patrick seems to be on edge, maybe a little agitated? Or annoyed? Tense?

Not sure how he want's to approach it all, David lets him have his space. They start to get bust around noon, two to four people in the store for over an hour. At one point, when David’s letting a few people browse, Patrick walks over. “Have you talked to her?” He gestures to the woman near the back.

“No? I let them browse.” Patrick knows this, and yet-

“Well can you talk to her? She seems like she wants help.” 

“Why aren’t you able to do it? I’m working on-” 

“Because I’m already with someone David, she’s finishing up.”

David looks at him, glaring slightly. “Fine,” he says, instead of asking what the hell his problem is, or when the stick got shoved up his ass. When he glances over a minute later, Patrick’s finishing up ringing the woman out, putting her things in a bag. At least there’s easily one hundred dollars of merchandise she’s getting. 

When the store slows and is empty, David glances over at Patrick and tries to figure out if he wants to approach the subject right now, but he doesn’t have to. His fiance walks over and sighs. “I’m sorry for getting short with you.” His tone isn’t clipped persay, but it’s definitely not his usual cadence, and David swallows. 

“It’s fine.” If Patrick wants to have an attitude, he can have one too. Distantly, he knows this isn’t how he should handle it, but the other part of him, the selfish part, wins out. 

“...okay,” Patrick walks off, going to dust off shelves.

A couple of minutes later, David’s stomach growls. “Can you go pick up lunch? I’m starving,” he directs over to the front of the store. A look passes over Patrick’s face, one that makes David think he might start arguing, but then he replaces it with a half smile and a nod. He walks out a minute later with his sunglasses perched on his face. What the hell is going on. 

Waiting, David tries to go through the day and recount everything that’s happened. He can’t think of anything to set Patrick off, but maybe he got a text? Maybe something’s wrong with Clint or Marcy? But obviously he would tell David...right? Marcy in particular likes him, so it’s not like Patrick wouldn’t feel comfortable. He continues to think until the bell rings again and his other half is carrying a bag with the food. 

“Your food,” he hands David the bag. 

“And...where’s yours?” 

Shrugging, Patrick shoves his hands in his pockets. “Not that hungry.” 

“Are your parents okay?” Is the only thing David can think to say in the moment, which obviously takes Patrick by surprise, as he stops walking and turns around. 

“....yes? Do...did they tell you something?” 

“Oh...no, I just….was wondering,” David flounders, hands gesticulating in the air before he moves to the back room to eat. 

The day continues on, neither of them in a particularly good mood while David continues changing items around. Patrick’s working with a customer, David can hear him starting to ring her up, but then suddenly he’s saying ‘excuse me a moment’ in a foreign voice and David looks up. 

“Can you finish her up please?” His voice is odd, lips barely moving as they set into a thin line. Nodding, absolutely confused, David walks over, apologizing to the woman as Patrick walks toward the back of their store. When the woman walks out, thanking him, he smiles and then flips the sign from open to closed, not caring it’s only slightly past four. Something is wrong. 

Walking hesitantly to the bathroom, he freezes when he hears Patrick gagging. Okay, he’s sick. David hadn’t given that idea a thought. Wincing, he hears it go quiet. He wants to say something, but he doesn’t think ‘are you done puking’ is a gentle enough question. David’s still frozen, trying to think, when he hears the toilet flush and Patrick wash his hands. The door opens, Patrick looking a little rough around the edges, and David finally speaks. 

“When were you going to tell me you were sick?” He winces at his own voice, not meaning for it to come out shrill and accusatory. 

“I’m not sick, David,” Patrick walks past him, making him more annoyed. “Why are we closed? It’s not five.” He takes a sip of his water bottle he has at the counter.

“Uhm...what would you call this then?” David gestures to him. “ I closed because I just watched my fiance stop in the middle of a transaction to go to the bathroom and puke his guts out, so excuse me for being worried!” 

Patrick deflates a little, his tense shoulders dropping. “I have a migraine,” he explains quietly, leaning against the counter. “I don’t normally throw up from them, I think all the different smells and the lights made it worse.” Shifting, he looks at David. “I didn’t mean to be an asshole all day, I just can’t think clearly and it put me on edge. And every time someone started talking it just made it worse. I know it’s not an excuse, and I shouldn’t have acted that w-” 

David moves and pulls Patrick into a hug, holding him tight. It must calm him down, because Patrick drops his head onto his shoulder and breathes out a little. “Honey, you could have just told me. You could have stayed in the back or gone home,” David kisses his head, nails rubbing against his fiance’s back like he knows he likes. 

“Normally I can work through them.” His voice sounds exhausted. David just continues to hug him close. 

“Well, I don’t want you to. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re important to me and I need you around to keep me sane. And help the business not tank,” David’s voice is softer now, and when he eventually pulls back, Patrick looks wiped out, brow furrowed in pain. 

“Let’s leave a little early and go home, okay? You should sleep. And don’t argue, you would do the same for me.” He kisses Patrick’s head again and then manhandles him to the back, sitting him down on the couch they have while he goes and gets the till so he can shut everything down. It takes him a little longer than usual, trying to make a conscious effort to be quiet with everything he does, and when he turns to tell Patrick they can leave, he can’t help but grab his phone and snap a photo. 

Patrick’s eyes are closed, chin tucked in against his shoulder, breaths coming even and slow as he sleeps lightly. David gets both of their bags and then crouches down, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Wake up honey, time to go.” 

Eyes fluttering open, Patrick nods, rubbing his face before standing. “Think you’ll make it home?” At the nod he gives, David leads them out and back to the car, ready to get his fiance in bed and start googling migraines to be more prepared for next time. 

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 Alexis: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” David: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

via GIPHY

Episode 9 Alexis: “If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it’ll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.” Stevie: “It’s just a lot of pressure.” Alexis: “Don’t even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.”

Episode 12 David: “When she was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. He was hosting at the time.”

Alexis: “What about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed, text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbour.”

Season 6

Episode 1 Johnny: “Does this not remind you of the wellness retreat we went to in Evian right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?”

Moira: “I’ve never been more lucid and I’m including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.”

David: “You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn’t you?” Alexis: “No. No!” David: “Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet’s wedding a month late.” Alexis: “The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David!”

via GIPHY

Episode 2 Moira: “We have our very own digital soapbox here. It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, You Go, Girl.”

Episode 4

Alexis: “Think of all the people on the planet who find someone. Somehow you’re one of those people.” David: “I don’t know how to take that.” Alexis: “I mean you didn’t end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman but I actually kind of feel like Patrick’s the best of both of them.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “Imagine what I can do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.”

Stevie: “I’m starting to realize that there’s a lot more to this job than I thought.” Alexis: “Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox’s bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.”

Episode 8

Alexis: “You’re starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rok on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.”

Alexis: “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.”

Episode 9 Alexis: “Well if you really want to know, I dated guys, like, a whole lot worse than Artie. Where were you when I was dating half the cast of White Squall?”

via GIPHY

Episode 11 Moira: “Is it all right if I don’t watch Panic Room with everyone tonight? Jo Foster once screened it for me privately, and I would like to keep that memory safe.”

Alexis: “Okay I’ve used the clues to turn the dial on the flashlight and it spells out “England.” So, thank you my weekend with Tom Hardy, England is here.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “You would have no way of knowing this but usually when someone sends a jet for you, it means he’s very interested. Trust me. And Tiger Woods.”

The post All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on <em>Schitt’s Creek</em> appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[lindyhunt]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is com… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

via GIPHY

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 A: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” D: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 Alexis: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” David: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

via GIPHY

Episode 9 Alexis: “If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it’ll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.” Stevie: “It’s just a lot of pressure.” Alexis: “Don’t even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.”

Episode 12 David: “When she was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. He was hosting at the time.”

Alexis: “What about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed, text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbour.”

Season 6

Episode 1 Johnny: “Does this not remind you of the wellness retreat we went to in Evian right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?”

Moira: “I’ve never been more lucid and I’m including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.”

David: “You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn’t you?” Alexis: “No. No!” David: “Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet’s wedding a month late.” Alexis: “The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David!”

via GIPHY

Episode 2 Moira: “We have our very own digital soapbox here. It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, You Go, Girl.”

Episode 4

Alexis: “Think of all the people on the planet who find someone. Somehow you’re one of those people.” David: “I don’t know how to take that.” Alexis: “I mean you didn’t end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman but I actually kind of feel like Patrick’s the best of both of them.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “Imagine what I can do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.”

Stevie: “I’m starting to realize that there’s a lot more to this job than I thought.” Alexis: “Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox’s bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.”

Episode 8

Alexis: “You’re starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rok on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.”

Alexis: “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.”

Episode 9 Alexis: “Well if you really want to know, I dated guys, like, a whole lot worse than Artie. Where were you when I was dating half the cast of White Squall?”

via GIPHY

Episode 11 Alexis: “Okay I’ve used the clues to turn the dial on the flashlight and it spells out “England.” So, thank you my weekend with Tom Hardy, England is here.”

The post All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on <em>Schitt’s Creek</em> appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 Alexis: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” David: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

via GIPHY

Episode 9 Alexis: “If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it’ll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.” Stevie: “It’s just a lot of pressure.” Alexis: “Don’t even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.”

Episode 12 David: “When she was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. He was hosting at the time.”

Alexis: “What about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed, text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbour.”

Season 6

Episode 1 Johnny: “Does this not remind you of the wellness retreat we went to in Evian right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?”

Moira: “I’ve never been more lucid and I’m including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.”

David: “You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn’t you?” Alexis: “No. No!” David: “Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet’s wedding a month late.” Alexis: “The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David!”

via GIPHY

Episode 2 Moira: “We have our very own digital soapbox here. It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, You Go, Girl.”

Episode 4

Alexis: “Think of all the people on the planet who find someone. Somehow you’re one of those people.” David: “I don’t know how to take that.” Alexis: “I mean you didn’t end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman but I actually kind of feel like Patrick’s the best of both of them.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “Imagine what I can do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.”

Stevie: “I’m starting to realize that there’s a lot more to this job than I thought.” Alexis: “Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox’s bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.”

Episode 8

Alexis: “You’re starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rok on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.”

Alexis: “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.”

Episode 9 Alexis: “Well if you really want to know, I dated guys, like, a whole lot worse than Artie. Where were you when I was dating half the cast of White Squall?”

The post All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on <em>Schitt’s Creek</em> appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 Alexis: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” David: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

via GIPHY

Episode 9 Alexis: “If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it’ll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.” Stevie: “It’s just a lot of pressure.” Alexis: “Don’t even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.”

Episode 12 David: “When she was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. He was hosting at the time.”

Alexis: “What about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed, text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbour.”

Season 6

Episode 1 Johnny: “Does this not remind you of the wellness retreat we went to in Evian right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?”

Moira: “I’ve never been more lucid and I’m including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.”

David: “You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn’t you?” Alexis: “No. No!” David: “Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet’s wedding a month late.” Alexis: “The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David!”

via GIPHY

Episode 2 Moira: “We have our very own digital soapbox here. It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, You Go, Girl.”

Episode 4

Alexis: “Think of all the people on the planet who find someone. Somehow you’re one of those people.” David: “I don’t know how to take that.” Alexis: “I mean you didn’t end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman but I actually kind of feel like Patrick’s the best of both of them.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “Imagine what I can do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.”

Stevie: “I’m starting to realize that there’s a lot more to this job than I thought.” Alexis: “Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox’s bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.”

Episode 8

Alexis: “You’re starting to sound like me trying to end things with B-Rok on the Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour.”

Alexis: “What now? Do I leave everything behind and move to some random island to be with the love of my life? Because I did that with Harry Styles in England, and it was, like, too rainy.”

The post All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on <em>Schitt’s Creek</em> appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 Alexis: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” David: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

via GIPHY

Episode 9 Alexis: “If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it’ll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.” Stevie: “It’s just a lot of pressure.” Alexis: “Don’t even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.”

Episode 12 David: “When she was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. He was hosting at the time.”

Alexis: “What about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed, text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbour.”

Season 6

Episode 1 Johnny: “Does this not remind you of the wellness retreat we went to in Evian right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?”

Moira: “I’ve never been more lucid and I’m including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.”

David: “You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn’t you?” Alexis: “No. No!” David: “Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet’s wedding a month late.” Alexis: “The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David!”

via GIPHY

Episode 2 Moira: “We have our very own digital soapbox here. It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, You Go, Girl.”

Episode 4

Alexis: “Think of all the people on the planet who find someone. Somehow you’re one of those people.” David: “I don’t know how to take that.” Alexis: “I mean you didn’t end up marrying JC Chasez or Jenna Elfman but I actually kind of feel like Patrick’s the best of both of them.”

via GIPHY

Alexis: “Imagine what I can do with your bachelor party, David. Diplo still sends me nudes.”

Stevie: “I’m starting to realize that there’s a lot more to this job than I thought.” Alexis: “Tell me about it. I once planned Megan Fox’s bachelorette on this tiny island off the coast of Montenegro where nothing is illegal. Like, nothing.”

The post All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on <em>Schitt’s Creek</em> appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

via GIPHY

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 Alexis: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” David: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

via GIPHY

Episode 9 Alexis: “If this is anything like my first day with the Pussycat Dolls, it’ll be a couple of hours of Kegels, and then an afternoon of cheeky Bellinis.” Stevie: “It’s just a lot of pressure.” Alexis: “Don’t even worry about it. I got your back today, girl. Just like Nicole Scherzinger did for me.”

Episode 12 David: “When she was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. He was hosting at the time.”

Alexis: “What about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed, text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbour.”

Season 6

Episode 1 Johnny: “Does this not remind you of the wellness retreat we went to in Evian right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn?”

David: “You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, didn’t you?” Alexis: “No. No!” David: “Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet’s wedding a month late.” Alexis: “The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David!”

via GIPHY

Episode 2 Moira: “We have our very own digital soapbox here. It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, You Go Girl.”

The post All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on <em>Schitt’s Creek</em> appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is com… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

via GIPHY

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 A: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” D: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 David: “When she was coaching me for the Little Mister pageant I made the mistake of going to Mario Lopez for advice. (He was hosting at the time.)”

Alexis: “What about long distance? I once maintained a successful, semi-committed, text relationship with Josh Hartnett while he was shooting Pearl Harbour.”

The post All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on <em>Schitt’s Creek</em> appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

[jessicakehoe]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is com… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

via GIPHY

Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

via GIPHY

Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

via GIPHY

Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

via GIPHY

Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

via GIPHY

Episode 8 A: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” D: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

via GIPHY

Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

via GIPHY

Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”

Episode 7 Ted: “That was fun but maybe we can start telling some stories about someone else who was naked and crying.” Alexis: “Okay fine but I think everyone here has already heard about my Vin Diesel adventure.”

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[lindyhunt]

All the Celebrities the Roses Have Name-Dropped on Schitt’s Creek

There are several ways to discern that the Rose family, before they washed up on the shores of Schitt’s Creek, was mega-rich. One, they remind us constantly. Two, their combined wardrobe contains enough luxury designer threads—Wang! Owens! McQueen! Marant!—to fill a massive concept store, or at the very least, “a boutique in Prague that’s only open Sunday nights.” Three, they’re forever dropping breadcrumbs about their former lives, offering us little peeks at the Roses of yore.

By now we know that Johnny and Moira have partied with the Castros (and the Clintons and the Schwarzeneggers), David’s got some not-so-fond memories with Anderson Cooper and Nate Berkus in his past, and Alexis… well, US Weekly once described her as “up for anything,” and so far we know that includes a blind date with Leonardo DiCaprio, a tryst with an unnamed Saudi prince, and a relationship with a Sultan’s nephew that lasted “like, half a regime change.”

Read on for every celebrity encounter the Roses have revealed to us so far.

Season 1

Episode 1 Alexis: “Stavros is flying in to get me, I told you that.” David: “What do you mean Stavros is com… What do you mean? When? When is he doing that?” Alexis: “Like, whenever stupid Mary-Kate stops hogging his plane.

”

Alexis: “I actually think this place is kinda cute.” Moira: “Did you say cute? No Alexis, Martha Stewart’s Hampton home is cute.

”

Alexis: “Stavros just texted me. And he ended it, he’s not coming! He said he doesn’t have time to come and get me, because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s White Party, and doesn’t have time to do both! But I was supposed to be his date to the White Party!

”

Episode 7 David: “Are you sure you wanna be travelling so far out of town with a person you just met?” Alexis: “I went on a blind date to Bali with Leo, so… I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be fine.

”

Ronnie: “You ever killed before?” David: “Have I ever killed before? No. Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor, but that was more about the lunch.”

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Episode 12 Johnny: “You didn’t think your mother would get involved in planning a fundraiser? My God, she had Hillary shaking last year at the Clinton Foundation dinner.”

Episode 13 Johnny: “Hey, that’s a good coat. I outbid Richard Branson for it at the Kaminski Auction.”

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Season 2

Episode 1 Alexis: “Do I have to remind you of the time that I was taken hostage on David Geffen’s yacht by Somali pirates for a week, and nobody answered my texts?!”

Alexis: “You told me that Diane Sawyer gave you that bag, and that it was fake.” Moira: “I didn’t want you taking it.” Alexis: “Okay, because I have told a lot of people that Diane Sawyer sells fake bags on the down-low.”

Episode 5 David: “Do you like this sweater? Jared Leto gave it to me and I’ve always been on the fence about it.” Alexis: “I don’t know.” David: “What do you mean, you don’t know? You either like it, or you don’t like it.” Alexis: “I mean, I like it ’cause Jared Leto gave it to you, and he was my first kiss, but I don’t know if I like, like it, like it.”

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Episode 6 Moira: “Do you remember what Goldie Hawn told us at that AmFar dinner? ‘You are the life that you accept for yourself.’ Those are Goldie’s words. Or something someone said to her in India. Or perhaps she read it. In any case it has always stayed with me.”

David: “Scent is a really important factor in defining a brand. Alexander Wang once fired my friend over the smell of his cologne. To Alex’s credit, Curve Pour Hommes hasn’t been the look since 1997.”

Ronnie: “Usually these council decisions, they take weeks.” Moira: “Oh I won’t wait for anyone’s decision. I once got Winnie Mandela to RSVP to an Artists Against Eczema benefit within the hour.”

Episode 9 Moira: “I did a series of very tasteful nudes with Richard Avedon in the ’70s.” Stevie: “I see. Um… This is really not in my job description so…” Moira: “Why aren’t they coming up?”

Episode 10 Moira: “Needless to say, that was the last time I played charades with Fran Lebowitz.”

Episode 12 Alexis: “I know that we just met but if Prince Harry trusted me with his life, then I think you can too.”

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Season 3

Episode 6 Moira: “John and I used to attend Eyes Wide Shut parties at the Castros’. Though… I’m guessing your evening’s activities might be somewhat different.”

Alexis: “I can’t go to college, yet. Because I didn’t finish high school.” Ted: “Oh.” Alexis: “I know. It’s so embarrassing, and I never should’ve taken that semester off. But I did meet Beyonce in Mykonos, so it was almost worth it.”

Episode 7 Jocelyn: “So here’s the thing about Marie Antoinette. Even though I love to eat cake, I think I’d be pretty annoyed with her myself. I do see your hand up Alexis, it’s just that you probably haven’t had a chance to catch up.” Alexis: “Okay, it’s just that she never actually said “let them eat cake.”” Jocelyn: “Um well, that depends on who you ask.” Alexis: “Hmm, well, I asked Kirsten Dunst, who played her in the movie. Um, that line was actually written years before Marie Antoinette allegedly said it. And um, Kirsten also told me at the premiere that she was jealous of my bangs.” Jocelyn: “Thank you for that contribution to the discussion, now…” Alexis: “My friends used to call me Marie, and that was mainly because I was casually seeing Prince Harry, so there was the whole like, is she gonna be a princess thing, um, but it’s also because we were going through this very dark phase where we were just like, partying too hard.”

Alexis: “I stole this dress from Ashlee Simpson. Or like, she stole it from me, and then I stole it back.”

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Season 4

Episode 3 Moira: “I know all about being left in the lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Nose benefit for juvenile rhinoplasty, when she suddenly drops out due to exhaustion. I had to be both puppet, and puppeteer.”

David: “You didn’t even play Patty, though.” Moira: “You know I did! The night Patricia LuPone ate that pre-show shawarma, and I was asked to step in. I’ve always wanted to reprise the role.”

Episode 5 Moira: “This is not… not how I imagined my resurrection news to break! ‘Impeccably dressed woman wanders out of Podunk motel.’ No, that’s not the headline!” Stevie: “Okay, well I actually own this Podunk motel, and I don’t know what choice you have.” Moira: “Well, we have to think of something. After all my fans have endured? No, I can’t let them see me like this. It would kill Sir Tony Geary.”

Episode 7 Alexis: “I used to text Zac Efron just, like, a question mark whenever I wanted a booty call. 
Poor thing would be, like, buzzing my apartment before I even pressed send.”

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Episode 8 A: “Ted can’t know about this, David. Miguel’s the only other vet in town, and they have this, like, dumb rivalry.” D: “When has that ever stopped you? I remember that summer you dated all three Hanson brothers.”

Episode 11 Moira: “There was that summer that Jimmy Smits stole my heart onstage in a workshop-only production of Officer and a Gentleman. I suppose that might be called emotional embezzlement.”

Christmas Special Patrick: “Are we supposed to be doing anything for this party?” David: “Um, yes, decorations, but even if we could still afford Nate Berkus, I’d burned that bridge in Ibiza.”

Johnny: “You know, in the old days, I stood by your side no matter how you wanted to spend the holidays. Whether it was heading to Miami for Puff Daddy’s Poolside White Party, or that uncomfortable tree trimming at Arnold and Maria’s. How ’bout the night you wore your fur coat to the PETA Christmas Fundraiser?” Moira: “I heard Peter Fundraiser! Bogdanovich loved a mink.”

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Season 5

Episode 1 Patrick: “Why would he agree do this when he’s afraid of heights?” Alexi: “He’s not afraid of heights, he’s afraid of moths and butterflies.” Ted: “And businesswomen in sneakers.” Patrick: “And also heights, something to do with him being broken up with while he was…” Alexis: “Parasailing in the Seychelles! He and Anderson Cooper were stuck up there for like, three hours, until the wind died down!”

Episode 2 Alexis: “I have a toe ring that would look so cute on you!” Twyla: “We’re not allowed to wear open-toed shoes, but um maybe I could take that bracelet?” Alexis: “Yes! Um, I actually got this in a swap with Sienna Miller. And by that I mean it fell off her wrist at a Halloween party, and I kept it.”

Episode 3 Alexis: “Um did I leave a Q-tip in or did you just tell me that you guys are getting an apartment together?” David: “We’re just going to look.” Alexis: “Yeah and Adam Levine and I just went for bubble tea.”

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Episode 6 Moira: “Oh I’m not above a naughty night of debauchery. When Condi Rice and Sharon Stone and I used to make our annual casino sojourn to Ho Chi Minh City… well lets just say toi khong bao gio thua.”

David: “I think it’s important for Patrick to experience other people in order to realize how good he has it with me.” Alexis: “What if he doesn’t come to that realization? Every time I did that with a boyfriend, I’d send them off with someone who, like, wasn’t a threat, like Pippa Middleton or Rihanna.”

Alexis: “This is why you have ground rules, David. Josh Groban has a thick leather-bound binder full of them.”

Moira: “I’m thinking of a particular night in Monaco with Maggie Trudeau and The Rolling Stones.” Jocelyn: “You rocked out with the Stones?” Moira: “All except Charlie but every party has a pooper.”