#I was thinking this myself-- you can't fathom someone would have such conviction about such a big lie

[amerasdreams]

-- from The Death of Democracy: Hitlers Rise to Power and the Downfall of the Weimar Republic by Benjamin Carter Hett

[mooncakes1111]

My life values, ethics and lessons would only perfectly explanable through most abomimable stigmas. It's unfortunate but it's true.

I feel angry that i can't even mention anything even if i will to because i have to keep myself safe and the other people who are reading this are basically like unawoken beasts if i do so. It's apparently also fine for them to do so because they have "every right to and natural moral human emotions are at play so they are not in the wrong either"

I took a pause and forgot what i should add again because damn uncomfortable people make everthing so difficult. I know that i couldn't even finish writing what i think because im not articulate but because of this shit i kind of lost my will to be as well. I'm too tired and disappointed and hurt. And because i have failed to even bring out the talk of my core (which is so important) i don't feel there's any need for being articulate in anything anymore if i have failed myself this way.

Too much of harmful assumptions, too much of whatever the reader thinks after reading is perfectly opposite to every one of my intents, too much of "conditionally open-minded" people who are also hypocrites and liars because they will twist their words when saying what exactly makes them feel what the feel and how it contradicts to their actual beliefs if they said so. You are showing something which you are not. And if people would not put that nice expectation that they won't look to contradict themselves and avoid hypocrisy and just simply admit to something like "you may or may not truly make sense to me, but i am not willing to admit that you could be right because i am simply uncomfortable, and it may also due to be with internalized beliefs which may not really have been mine as i realize". But this is too much to ask for isn't it? Because how dare the situation be any better but worsen, after all, the grownups in government authoritary need to get their fair share of bliss by giving you fools a moral conviction to make you feel like angels when you are none. And again, because it once actually saved you or you saved somebody for it, you will never question, and deny anybody else's feelings just for it alone(bonus if they are already popular with metahporically hanged to shame, although you wouldn't even care about the reasons why people could do that)

If you could have chosen to disregard something, only after you would cross a barrier to see it from their heart, and everything that comes with it as well as comparing them to yourself in an honest way, you would not have been so damn spiteful, and in honesty, it would have been damn better than "uncomfortable". Especially if you are skilled at making people feel outcasted and are also opposed to people feeling better when they are.

As for me, it is not possible for me to completely agree or disagree with someone in general. But in the case for you, when you will talk about something specific especially if it's already what i am familiar with, i could sense a lot of fallacies which may be my mere perception but something which you can't fathom. So strange that we actually may be in the same boat but a different direction, but you will be the one with the violent outburst to disagree otherwise. Not that so many more things of faults and perceptions are left behind, they are too and it makes me feel muddier.

So, i can't blame you afterall can i? I do not adhere to a punishment mindset so maybe i have more a reason not to? So it should be like another day, where i get so tired of this and everything and i force to convince myself that it does not matter again huh. "Ignore it and ignore the shit, it will hurt that you can never have the joy of expressing your core but not like it was required and important, it will be hard to convey and understand for others who will be constanlty shocked at best, and if there is something they found good or took positively they will never tell you and secretly believe in you like the hypocrite they are. Even if they are not bad, everyone is a potential to be this evil"

So don't expect that good relationships exist, they could be heartfelt but ignore that your partner is a potential inblamable good threat who does not come with a built in resistance to see things for how they really are, one that could be truthful at best.

But no, the worst case scenario makes me tired and heartbroken. It does not have to be true. No matter what, i will still believe that everything could be balanced in my life. Maybe i have failed but maybe i have not. My heart will open, not to the ones i can trust, but to the ones who i can trust and be dangerously vulnerable with, who makes my "evil side" calm and less seemingly "hideous". Who hold no grudge and loves me the same.

Even if such a person cannot exist, i will still continue to believe. Oh and by the way, i also have a very potential controversial belief regarding desires, but basically, how would you feel about a "disaster" of a situation without the core that would have made it a disaster in the first place? Shy to be authentic about your beliefs now? Or feel like an ass because it just seems like you're reacting to it from a place of somthing personal than, something that actually needs your conviction? Feel free to help if one does need it, and continue to think you helped them when they didn't need it.

This post is a blur, but maybe only i'll see it for what it is. As usual