#I wanted to get this off my chest bc I know it'll be weighing on me over the course of the week

[vtoriacore-rbs]

tw. ed + whatever the fuck is wrong w me in general. id actually advise against reading this but this helps get things off my chest.

me slipping back into old ed habits bc my intrusive thoughts actually ended up triggering me 💀💀💀 i went on a 2 day fast and only had mineral water and i feel both proud and horrified that ive allowed myself to do that so now im eating healthy things to kinda make up for it but anyways i weighed myself too even tho i said i wouldn't. like i know i shouldn't feel happy over the fact i starved and weakened my body on purpose but it feels nice to stick to something and actually have some discipline back in my life.

had a breakdown too earlier for no reason (altho im on my period so maybe that's why, fuck you uterus btw there is no us only u someone remove this thing PLEASE). like bro some bitch in college also was telling me how she was losing weight and she deadass told me that my ribcage sticking out was so aesthetic and it just enabled me, we only spoke 3 times before that and im pretty sure she has an ed too bc she kept trying to get my measurements??? she also said she'd sacrifice two of her ribs to get a waist like mine and i know she meant it as a compliment but i wanted to cry and felt low-key ashamed like i hate when people point out my physical appearance and i was stretching i didn't even mean for my shirt to go higher up it was so uncomfy. it's weird tho cause when i starve myself i feel happy abt it but when other people point it out and praise me for it i get really mad. maybe it's bc i discourage eds and im very pro-recovery but anyways that was a weird comment™ i think it played into the breakdown. she tried grabbing my wrist several times and i told her to stop trying to touch me but she wouldn't stop either and was like "just for a second please" like i felt so icky bc of that too like bitch hands off before i retaliate <3 so yeah now im trying to eat again but honestly i feel like im gonna throw up bc i didn't eat for 2 days lmao and the entire day today i felt so dizzy. like yesterday was fine but today ?? no. my muscles hurt so bad so im gonna have a 50g protein shake too ugh im so tired. gonna try get up to 1000 kcal at least and make the deficit up over the weekend bc my stomach physically hurts when i try to eat (but this strawberry yogurt bangs even tho im half full already).

ive been slipping back into an ed mindset over the last month tho even with my binges and i just wanna look ill enough for one of my doctors finally tell me im underweight enough they didn't even acknowledge i was severely underweight 3-4 years ago that felt so humiliating and now im thinking along the lines of "i need to be a better anorexic" even tho its fucked up and like im trying to just snap myself out of this mindset but it's not working so im gonna have to get a therapist potentially. bc i don't want my organs and bones failing but at the same time, i wanna make sure doctors take me seriously this time and maybe it'll be a fucking reminder to take eds seriously. it actually pisses me off hos insensitive some doctors are about eds and the fact they indirectly fucking allow it sometimes too like. just bc im not in a critical condition and only like 3/4kgs underweight doesn't mean i don't have an ed or that it isn't "severe enough" smh this annoys me so much.

if you read it up to here don't worry ill be fine, a bitch always pulls thru and these are just momentary lapses in judgement im not letting mental illness win im too fucking good for this (<- motivating myself kinda feel better after writing this NGL).

[bigbihatemachine]

TW graphic ED and fatphobia, esp in a medical setting

Siiigh it's like a running joke at this point that I literally can find the worst clinicians in any nhs facility or just have the worst experiences with them but like every now and then I break bc I can't take having a mental breakdown anymore and dip my toe in the MH services and oh boy. Bc I wanted my meds adjusted and psychiatrists LITERALLY DON'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING I ended up talking to a pharmacist and somehow ended up doing a whole ass mental health assessment bc in the three fucking weeks it took them to look at my referral for a specific antidepressants I wanted and call me back, I decided I also wanted therapy and maybe they wouldn't fuck me over this time

Anyways she fights me over the medication I want and asks me about how I'm doing and as always zeroes in on my weight p fucking quickly. She asks about my eating habits rn and no they're p fucking bad rn and I freely admit that. Like it's ED shit 5sure. Also for ED reasons and general sanity, I ask my drs to not fucking read out my weight when they weigh me for my depo appts. I know I'm getting fatter. I'm not blind. Upon hearing me disclose my eating stuff and without thinking, she tells me exactly what weight I am now and exactly how much I've gained over the last few month and stresses how much it is. I tell her I actually ask my drs to not tell me these things bc they set me off really badly.

She asks if I want a referral to the ED dept and I basically get extremely upset and say I don't have faith they're going to be kind about my weight and I've faced a lot of medical mistreatment and abuse and I can't really take it from an ED dept if they're going to be cruel. She asks again if I want a referral bc it's obvious it's a source of a huge amount of issues and distress so might be worth investigating. I reluctantly agree to hear them out, if they're compassionate.

She's also somehow got hold of my MH files from 2016 (so 7 yrs ago) where I was insisting on medication that didn't make me gain weight. It's worth mentioning I got referred bc basically I'm out of medication I can try through normal GPs and I'm antidepressant resistant. Also have disclosed fucking EDs during the phone call and actually talked about that time period during the phone call when I was in a different form of ED so yknow different priorities. She insisted on putting me on meds I tried fucking years ago bc they'd help me lose weight!! Over medication I asked for and actually worked before we start looking at the heavier duty stuff (that a psychiatrist will actually have to get off their ass and see me for). I nearly fucking lost it arguing with her!!

And now it's a week later and I've gotten the letter through.... And it's fucking disgusting. She's absolutely combed through my medical files and just wholescale invented shit?? Saying I have chest pains?? I might have during A&E visits in years past??? Fucking saying I had ptsd??? I mean I almost def do but I've never been dx'ed with it?? And she sure as shit hasn't had the authority to do so?? And it's never been on a single letter before that I have ptsd?? And yeah she fucking won't shut up about how fucking fat I am. Like horrifically fat. Using the clinical name for disgustingly fat. Again, she knows I'll at least hear this and that I have an ED. Like.... What the fuck.

At the end, even my GP who I was speaking to for the first time was like (multiple times).... Are you sure you want this referral to go ahead????

And like....I'm so fucking frustrating bc I got so used to no one taking my EDs seriously bc I'm fat that I'd openly talk about them bc fat ppl can't have EDs then someone called me out on it and it threw me and I appreciated being taken seriously but..... It's in the wrong way and I'm worried the dept will be the same and it'll be trauma on trauma at a time I really need support. It doesn't help she said she'd handle the referral and she fucking hasn't and left it to my GP.

Frustrating!!! Concept: we just offer respectful, non-judgemental, person-centered care