#I used PA Olivia's pose for him

[maple-rose]

PA Inigo drawn for Secret Sothis

[lady-divine-writes]

ACITW AU Inspired fic - “The Vacation Ultimatum” (Rated PG13)

Summary:

Sebastian wants to go somewhere different for summer vacation this year, but Kurt has his heart set on the beach house. He promises Sebastian he'll at least entertain other options. ... In his defense, he finds something very entertaining. (2316 words)

Notes: This is an ACITW inspired fic I started writing last summer before my computer died on me.

Read on AO3.

“So, babe, I was thinking …” Sebastian leaps over the back of the sofa to sit beside Kurt scanning the pages of the latest Vogue magazine.

“That’s dangerous. Real dangerous,” Kurt comments, not lifting his eyes from an ad for Gucci footwear. Kurt seems particularly interested in a pair of blue-and-black brocade loafers, checking the fine print for price and sizing information. Sebastian, knowing by now what Kurt’s long, thoughtful look (narrowed eyelids, scrunched nose, sucked in lips) means, takes note. “Didn’t we talk about that?”

“Ha … ha … ha. Anyway, what if this year, instead of going to the beach house for the summer …?”

Sebastian doesn’t get farther than that before Kurt drops his magazine and glares at him with the ice-cold burn of a lover scorned.

“Wh-what!? Not go to the …! Why!?”

“Babe…” Sebastian knew there was a chance Kurt would react this way from the second he opened his mouth. Kurt is always at his most deadly when he won’t let Sebastian finish a sentence. But Sebastian had hoped he might be persuaded to listen to reason, especially since he’d mentioned wanting to go on a pilgrimage to the House of Alexander this year. If anything could break them out of their summer vacay rut, it should have been McQueen. A jaunt across the pond would have been a welcome change from their usual trip to North Carolina. But apparently Kurt is too sentimental to break from their routine, even for a journey to the temple of his idol.

Sebastian had been hoping against hope … and he lost.

“Because we go to the beach house every summer!”

Kurt’s eyes shift left and right, waiting for a more compelling argument. “Yeah, and …?”

“And aren’t you getting a little tired of it? Don’t you think it’s getting old?”

Kurt’s jaw drops in silent gasp. “Who … who are you right now? How … how can you say that!?”

“Because over a decade of summers at the same beach house can get kind of stale, Kurt!”

Kurt shakes his head slowly, disbelief deepening fine lines around his mouth and the corners of his eyes. “You’ve known me for over a decade! Am I getting stale?”

“Do you really want an answer to that?” Sebastian jokes before self-preservation and common sense have the chance to shove his size nines in his mouth and stop him. Kurt’s mouth snaps shut with frightening speed, his teeth making a sound when they meet like the cracking of bone.

“If that’s how you feel,” he says, words short, over-enunciated, clipped at the ends as if with razor-sharp shears, “then I can go to the beach house alone this summer, and you can go somewhere fresher!”

Sebastian sighs. He should have known he wasn’t going to win this one. He was defeated before he began. “Kurt …”

“And while you’re there, maybe you can find yourself someone less hard and crusty since I’m becoming so stale!”

“Jesus Christ, Kurt!” Sebastian’s hands find his hair and pull in frustration. “Stop twisting things around! That’s not what I meant! Arguing about the same thing over and over is getting stale!”

“Then stop arguing,” Kurt poses with a wicked grin. “There. Problem solved.”

“I happen to have good reasons for not wanting to go to the beach house this summer!”

“And those are …?”

“For one thing, it’s nowhere near private.”

Kurt chuckles humorlessly. “It’s on a private beach! That your family owns!”

“Olivia and Brian drop in with the kids all the time, unannounced.”

“So? I love Olivia and Brian! And the kids!”

“So do I! But I also love being able to walk around naked and fuck in the kitchen!”

“No one ever stops you walking around naked here at home! And we’ve fucked in the kitchen so many times, we’ve worn ass marks onto the floor, the island, and the table! You can’t throw a robe over yourself and fuck in a bed like a normal person for one month?”

“Kurt! Don’t you think it’s nice to do something new every once in a while?”

Kurt carefully picks up his dropped magazine so that he has something to toss sassily aside and crosses his arms over his chest. “Have you met me?”

“Uh, yeah,” Sebastian says, mirroring the gesture … minus having anything to throw. Not that he didn’t look around him for something suitable, but the only things within reach are coffee mugs and Yankee Candles, and he doesn’t want to accidentally give Kurt a concussion. “You’re stubborn and annoying!”

“Exactly!”

Sebastian snorts at the word Kurt wasn’t quick enough to catch before it flew out of his mouth, turned around, and slapped him in the face.

Kurt closes his eyes on his own faux pas and shakes it from his head. “I mean, about being stubborn. How many times do I stray from the familiar? I wear the same designers all the time, I order the same dish at every restaurant, I’ve driven the same Navigator since high school …”

“Yeah …” Sebastian clears his throat before he accidentally guffaws “… by the way, that’s something we really need to talk about ...”

Kurt’s offended face becomes comically dramatic. “My life is stressful, Sebastian!”

Sebastian pauses his argument to look Kurt over from head to toe - his significant other reclining on the sofa in his pajamas and robe with his feet propped up … at three on a Thursday afternoon.

“Yeah …” He leans over, catches the end of Kurt’s untied belt, and flips it across his waist. “The rigors of your life must be crippling!”

“It’s my afternoon off, you deranged kumquat!” Kurt snaps, tossing the belt back and smacking Sebastian on the chin. “The point is I value our summer together. Most of all, I value the fact that I don’t have to stress out about it because I don’t have to put any energy into thinking about doing something different! It’s a no-brainer!”

“So you’re saying it suits you.”

Kurt points at Sebastian, very reminiscent of a circa 2000 Cooper Anderson. “Watch your step, Smythe, or you’re sleeping alone tonight.”

“Yeah, okay,” Sebastian relents, putting his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry. That one went a bit too far.”

Kurt breathes in deep, exhales long. “Look, when we first got together and divvied up responsibilities, you put me in charge of planning summer vacation.”

“Because I thought you’d send us to all sorts of exotic locales with clothing optional activities.”

“We do those over spring break! And on our birthdays! And over New Year’s! We’ve flashed more people than Tara Reid! I like going to the beach house in the summer! It’s tradition!”

“But we can go anywhere in the world!”

“I don’t wanna go anywhere in the world!” Kurt parrots in a whiny voice. “I wanna go to the beach house!”

Sebastian slaps his hands on his thighs and pushes up to his feet. “Fine. Whatevs. Just do me a favor. For me. Because you supposedly love me.”

Kurt rolls his eyes so far back in his head he glimpses his soul. “I guess …”

“Get on your phone and check out some other spots that you might want to go to. Any spot, regardless of distance or cost. Then we’ll compare, list pros and cons, and together we’ll make an educated decision. That way we’ll know one hundred percent for certain that there isn’t somewhere else that tickles your fancy.”

“I already know …”

“Just this once,” Sebastian says, cutting into Kurt’s grousing, “and again, because you love me.”

Kurt’s face pinches, his lips pulled tight to avoid creasing. He drops his head back on his shoulders in exasperation and reaches in his robe pocket for his phone. “All right, all right. But shoo. I don’t need any distractions.”

Sebastian leans in to give Kurt a kiss, grinning when he swats him away like an irritating insect. “Your wish is my command, oh benevolent dictator.”

“That’s Expedia God to you.”

***

Sebastian makes himself scarce for more than an hour running odd errands - one of which includes buying Kurt his favorite cheesecake from the bakery down the block. He’s both encouraged and relieved when he returns home to find Kurt still in the living room when he should be at yoga, bent over his phone, staring intently at something on his screen.

He missed yoga for this, Sebastian thinks. He must be taking it seriously.

Even more than that, Kurt is smiling, lower lip pinched between his teeth, his eyes positively glowing.

‘Yes!’ Sebastian cheers silently, slipping into the kitchen to put away the cheesecake while allowing himself a moment to daydream about spending this upcoming summer vacation on the French Riviera, which they admittedly did last Christmas. Or in Jamaica, where they’d gone two falls ago. Or, like he’d thought, London, which is where they’d spent Fashion Week. Sebastian stops with his hand on the refrigerator door, chewing his own lower lip in thought. Looking back on their lives together as a couple, they have done their share of traveling around the world, even if they do spend every summer in North Carolina. So … spending another one there isn’t exactly a big deal. They’d recently booked a flight to Rio to coincide with the start of the school year, winging over after the egress of promiscuous co-eds vying for one final fling before hitting the books.

Jesus Christmas!

Is he being a jerk about nothing!?

Sebastian pulls out his cell phone and checks his calendar. Nearly every box of every month is filled with meetings, assignments, appointments. But aside from that, it’s cluttered with trips they’ve planned - the Cape for their anniversary; the Poconos for Kurt’s dad and stepmom’s anniversary; Munich for Oktoberfest, which happens to be a tradition that Sebastian started - one that Kurt hasn’t always been so fond of. He can appreciate the food. He can appreciate the beer. He can appreciate the authentic costumes and the lively music and dancing.

But the second people start hugging and slapping each other, he gets a little skittish.

Last year, Sebastian flew Kurt to Milan last minute for Arbor Day, just to give him a reason to make the stupid day memorable. Thus is one of the perks of being rich. He’d planned on making that a tradition.

So that’s two of Sebastian’s traditions to one of Kurt’s.

Sebastian sticks his head in the fridge, smacking his forehead against the butter dish, and groans.

If Kurt wants to spend this summer - and every summer until the day they die - in North Carolina, is it really such a big deal?

But seeing Kurt stare at his phone with a huge smile on his face intrigues Sebastian. Even after everything, their whole argument, he did what Sebastian asked. He gave it a chance. What if he actually found somewhere else he wants to go? Skydiving? Spelunking? Scuba diving? Another hot air balloon ride?

Sebastian swallows hard remembering …

… they can do all those things in North Carolina.

He removes his head from the dairy section and closes the door. Then he strolls back into the living room, nonchalant smile on his face.

“You’re looking pretty focused there, babe. Did you find something you like?”

“Yup.”

Sebastian’s spine tingles with the possibilities. “Willing to share?”

“Well, in order for you to appreciate where I ended up on my journey, I’ll need to walk you through my process.”

“Do tell …”

“I didn’t have any particular locale in mind, but I knew I wanted to go to the beach, so I started looking up beaches.”

Sebastian nods. “Not venturing too far from the comfortable, I see, but still promising.”

“Tropical beaches, exclusive beaches, private beaches, beach resorts, islands …”

“A-ha …”

“I saw a link for this beach in San Diego called Dog Beach.”

“Very nice. Quaint. I’ve been there once or twice. Lots of nice little communities with bungalows …”

“I thought so, too. But I was clicking through the website and I saw the most amazing thing. Something I wouldn’t mind seeing in person.”

“Really?” Sebastian says hopefully.

“A-ha. It had pictures of a surf dog competition …”

Sebastian’s smile dips at the corners. His voice becomes a little tight. “Okay …”

“I clicked on it and …”

“Let me guess …” Sebastian drops his head into his hands, blunt nails digging into the cold spot on his forehead “… you’ve been watching videos of surfing dogs.”

“Yup.”

“For how long?”

“Oh, I don’t know. When was the last time you were in here?”

Sebastian’s arms drop to his side revealing his disgruntled expression. “You’ve been watching videos of dogs surfing for two hours!?”

“I guess. Time’s just … flown by …”

Sebastian watches in agony as Kurt switches to another tab on his phone, bringing up a YouTube video of a bulldog riding a skateboard. Kurt chuckles and shakes his head.

“How’d you learn how to do that?” he baby talks the screen. “You’re the goodest boy, aren’t you? 12 out of 10.” He scrolls down to the comment section to type that in.

Sebastian slaps his forehead. He turns on his heel and heads for the bedroom before he has the chance to go insane. To be honest, he should have known better. He walked into this one, what with his cockimamey ideas about going somewhere else over the summer. “Beach house it is.”

“If that’s what you think is best, dear,” Kurt mutters to Sebastian’s retreating back, deeply enthralled in another dog video. He waits till he hears Sebastian open the door to the bathroom, then closes out the video and composes a text:

To: Olivia

False alarm! We’re on for the beach house!

He giggles conspiratorially when a message immediately pops up.

From: Olivia

Thank God! See you there!

[paulbenedictblog]

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Bbc news 2019 en imágenes: sorprendentes imágenes de todo el Reino Unido

Bbc news

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A need of basically the most attention-grabbing photos taken by news photographers around the UK this Three hundred and sixty five days.

Describe copyright Owen Humphreys / PA Media

Describe caption The proprietor of a three-wheeled Reliant Robin automobile battles snow off the A6 shut to the village of Shap in January. Roads and colleges had been closed across Cumbria, with snow maintaining system of North Yorkshire and the Yorkshire Dales.

Describe copyright Dominic Lipinski / PA

Describe caption On a cool winter's day, a community of Polish vacationers celebrate by making an try to survey how a kind of them can match into a crimson phone box in Westminster, London.

Describe copyright Jack Taylor / Getty Photos

Describe caption Anti-Brexit protester Steve Bray (left) and a talented-Brexit protester argue as they repeat out of doorways the Houses of Parliament, in Westminster, in January.

Describe copyright AFP

Describe caption Olivia Colman clutches her Oscar for deal of efficient actress, for her feature as Queen Anne within the The Favourite. She gave a heartfelt speech, asserting: "Or no longer it is in truth somewhat anxious. This is hilarious. I received an Oscar."

Describe copyright Katie Collins / PA

Describe caption Twins Ami and Aya from Tokyo took the catwalk to the facet road all the strategy via London Sort Week.

Describe copyright Phil Coomes / BBC

Describe caption In February, students around the country walked out of colleges to name on the government to give an explanation for a neighborhood weather emergency and take active steps to form out the sector. Organisers Youth Strike 4 Local weather said about 15,000 of us had protested, in more than 60 cities and cities. Later within the Three hundred and sixty five days, a global local weather strike noticed tens of millions of of us around the sector repeat for "an cease to the age of fossil fuels and local weather justice for all people".

Describe copyright Danny Lawson / PA Media

Describe caption In March, a member of the Canal & River Have faith inspects the Standedge Tunnel on the Huddersfield Narrow Canal.

Describe copyright Stefan Rousseau / AFP

Describe caption Swedish local weather activist Greta Thunberg (centre) meets Green Party Westminster chief Caroline Lucas (left) and Labour chief Jeremy Corbyn on the Dwelling of Commons in April. Ms Thunberg criticised the UK for supporting new exploitation of fossil fuels and exaggerating cuts to carbon emissions. An empty chair changed into as soon as left for ragged High Minister Theresa Can even simply, who did no longer wait on.

Describe copyright Ben Birchall / PA Media

Describe caption Individuals take part within the annual cheese-rolling competition at Cooper's Hill in Brockworth, Gloucestershire, in Can even simply. Max McDougall, 22, received the principle males's downhill traipse after tripping and tumbling down the hill. Mr McDougall said: "It changed into as soon as better than remaining Three hundred and sixty five days, as soon as I knocked myself out."

Describe copyright Danny Lawson / PA Media

Describe caption In April, about 50 firefighters tackled a huge blaze on moorland above White Wells, in Ilkley, maintaining 25,000 sq m (six acres), with helicopters making water drops. The fireplace came amid chronicle-breaking temperatures within the UK.

Describe copyright Paul Harding / PA Media

Describe caption Elite runner Hayley Carruthers crawls over the procure line of the London Marathon, in April. The NHS worker said she began to truly feel ill appropriate after the halfway point of the 26.2 mile (42.2km) traipse. Despite crawling over the ending line with the support of marshals, Carruthers mute managed to beat her inner most most attention-grabbing time by three minutes, ending in two hours, 33 minutes and 59 seconds.

Describe copyright Owen Humphreys / PA Media

Describe caption Gardner Eric Drennon trims the maze at Traquair Dwelling, in Peebleshire. Scotland's oldest inhabited dwelling, first and predominant effect a looking hotel for the kings and queens of Scotland, has been lived in for over 900 years.

Describe copyright Charles McQuillan / Getty Photos

Describe caption A chum of Lyra McKee holds an convey of service on the funeral of murdered journalist at St Anne's Cathedral in Belfast. Ms McKee, 29, changed into as soon as shot within the pinnacle looking at rioting in Londonderry's Creggan property in April. The Original IRA admitted accomplishing the execute in a assertion and supplied "beefy and sincere apologies" to her family and mates.

Describe copyright Scott Heppell / Reuters

Describe caption Brexit Party chief Nigel Farage reels from having a milkshake thrown at him as he arrives at a campaign event in Newcastle in Can even simply. Paul Crowther, 32, later pleaded responsible to customary assault and criminal injure, at North Tyneside Magistrates' Court docket. The attack, which keen a £5.25 banana-and-salted-caramel milkshake, changed into as soon as described in courtroom as "politically motivated".

Describe copyright Chris Allerton / SussexRoyal / AFP

Describe caption The Duke and Duchess of Sussex prove their newborn son, Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, to the Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh, and Meghan's mother, Doria Ragland. The Queen met her eighth huge-grandchild at Windsor Castle in Can even simply.

Describe copyright Oli Scarff / AFP

Describe caption Football fans line the streets at an commence-high bus parade around Liverpool in June. Liverpool received the Uefa Champions League closing 2-0 against Tottenham, at Wanda Metropolitano stadium in Madrid.

Describe copyright Danny Lawson / PA Media

Describe caption An RAF Chinook helicopter flies in sandbags to shore up a dam at Toddbrook reservoir, after it changed into as soon as broken by heavy rainfall within the summertime. Greater than 1,500 of us had been evacuated from Whaley Bridge, in Derbyshire, in August over fears the dam would crumple and flood the metropolis. Speedy-term work to repair the broken dam will commence up in 2020.

Describe copyright Stefan Rousseau / PA Media

Describe caption Chelsea pensioner and D-Day ancient George Skipper, 95, poses for photos at his dwelling within the Chelsea Royal Properly being facility. Mr Skipper, who landed in Normandy on 6 June 1944, sailed abet there to discover the 75th anniversary.

Describe copyright Richard Sellers / PA Media

Describe caption The England squad hear to head coach Phil Neville after losing the semi-closing to the US on the Ladies's World Cup in France.

Describe copyright Nick Potts / PA

Describe caption England beat Original Zealand to beget the World Cup for the principle time in one of basically the most improbable video games of cricket ever done, with victory coming most attention-grabbing after an further over apiece.

Describe copyright Stefan Rousseau / AFP

Describe caption Boris Johnson enters 10 Downing Street on the day he changed into as soon as confirmed because the brand new High Minister by the Queen in July. Mr Johnson changed into as soon as elected because the brand new Conservative chief with 92,153 votes from birthday celebration members. Later within the Three hundred and sixty five days, he received a huge majority in a customary election.

Describe copyright Mike Egerton / PA Media

Describe caption Dina Asher-Smith celebrates her silver medal after the 100m closing all the strategy via day three of the IAAF World Championships on the Khalifa Worldwide Stadium, Doha, Qatar. Asher-Smith grew to change into the principle British lady to beget a person World Championships traipse medal in 36 years.

Describe copyright Dan Abbott

Describe caption A diver swims alongside an limitless jellyfish off the waft of Cornwall. In July, natural world biologist Lizzie Daly and fellow diver Dan Abbott encountered the barrel jellyfish all the strategy via a week-lengthy mission documenting marine encounters.

Describe copyright Kirsty O'Connor / PA

Describe caption Sooner than the commence of the film The Upward push of Skywalker, the closing chapter within the Skywalker saga begun by George Lucas in 1977, a necessity of helmets and props from earlier Smartly-known person Wars movies had been supplied at public sale on the BFI Imax in Waterloo, London.

Describe copyright Liam McBurney / PA Media

Describe caption Martha Brown (centre left) and her accomplice, Louise McCullough, occupy an very good time new legislation in Belfast. In October, legislation changed into as soon as handed to enable of us of the connected intercourse to accept married and abortion changed into as soon as decriminalised. The first connected-intercourse weddings in Northern Ireland are effect of residing to happen in February 2020.

Describe copyright Neil Hall / Reuters

Describe caption The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge luxuriate in the explore all the strategy via their seek the advice of with to the Chiatibo glacier, within the Hindu Kush mountain range, in Pakistan. The glacier has retreated rapidly in most modern years on account of global warming. Throughout the seek the advice of with, in October, Prince William said communities "liable to alternate" wanted more consciousness of local weather alternate.

Describe copyright Fayez Nureldine / AFP

Describe caption British boxer Anthony Joshua (appropriate) competes with Mexican-American Andy Ruiz Jr for the IBF, WBA and WBO titles, in Diriya, Saudi Arabia, in December. Joshua received a unanimous system victory to change into a two-time world heavyweight champion.

Describe copyright Jane Barlow / PA Media

Describe caption SNP chief and Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon meets constituents in Edinburgh on the closing day of campaigning before the customary election on 12 December. Her birthday celebration received 48 seats, 13 more than within the 2017 election.

Describe copyright Jane Barlow / PA

Describe caption As the Three hundred and sixty five days draws to a shut, for some there may per chance be an more than a couple of to be taught from the snow. Right here Geraint Stone pulls his two-Three hundred and sixty five days-primitive son Arthur on his sledge across the snow-covered lawn in entrance of Balmoral Castle.

Describe copyright Jeff Overs / BBC

Describe caption Even supposing there may per chance be no longer any snow in London, its residents can mute accept pleasure from some winter sport as ice rinks like this one in Greenwich pop up across the capital.

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[gyrlversion]

How marriage turned Geri into Posh Spice

With her muddy wellies, 15th-century house, aristocratic neighbours, plummy voice and Aga, the artist formerly known as Ginger Spice has come a long way.

A recent, admiring profile of her featured Geri posing for pictures wearing a ballgown while sitting on a horse. It hailed her: ‘The Real Posh Spice.’

At least one of the Spice Girls finds the whole ‘Posher than Posh’ act so irritating she was tempted into a series of unwise swipes.

As we discovered recently, Mel B, 43, can’t bear her old friend’s new, wholesome, incarnation as the all-baking trophy wife.

Finding global fame aged 24, Geri made her mark with platform trainers, war paint, an ample cleavage and garishly streaked hair

After dropping her bombshell that they had a lesbian encounter, Mel B said: ‘She’s going to hate me for this because she’s all posh in her country house with her husband.’

Mel has apparently now apologised to Geri for the dig — after an initial refusal — and Geri is trying to move on from the upset.

They are due to start rehearsals for their reunion tour soon.

But how has Ginger Spice — daft, lippy, honkingly loud and full of attitude — reinvented herself as the Lady of the Manor?

SPICE GIRL TO A WANNABE SLOANE

Finding global fame aged 24, she made her mark with platform trainers, war paint, an ample cleavage and garishly streaked hair.

However, it was a confusing world which was not quite the fantasy she anticipated. She bailed out two years later, in the grip of an eating disorder and unable to cope with the love-hate dynamics of the Spice Girls. 

With her muddy wellies, 15th-century house, aristocratic neighbours, plummy voice and Aga, Geri has come a long way since her days in the Spice Girls

But her taste for the high life had been whetted. 

Those close to her say her brushes with Prince Charles in the Spice Girls concert days sparked her longing to belong to the upper crust.

A friend said: ‘She was bowled over when the Spice Girls started meeting Prince Charles. Mel B was rude to him at the premiere of the film Spiceworld but Geri really had her head turned and became very interested in high society.’

Shock: Piers Morgan aired a clip of the bombshell moment Mel B claimed to have had a relationship with bandmate Geri

Big moment: Piers is seen asking Mel: ‘You were coming here to be brutally honest – did or didn’t you sleep with Geri Halliwell? Did you sleep with her?’

GREW UP WITH AN OUTSIDE LOO 

After her parents divorced, when she was ten, her Spanish mother Ana had to work hard to keep afloat. There was an outside loo, and no money for holidays. She read books instead, revealing: ‘Other children went somewhere else — I just went to Narnia.’

THE SEARCH FOR MR MONEYBAGS

A friend said: ‘Her mother always told her to marry a rich man and that is what she has done.’ It wasn’t all plain sailing though. As Geri said: ‘I think we all know that relationships haven’t been my strong point.’ A short romance with screenwriter Sacha Gervasi resulted in the arrival of daughter Bluebell, born when Geri was 33.

She then formed a relationship with banker Henry Beckwith and hoped he might be husband material. ‘He was just her cup of tea,’ said a friend. ‘Posh, connected and wealthy. She hung on.’

Old Harrovian Beckwith, whose father is a property magnate, was reported to have upset Geri during their two-year romance, with his roving eye.

Geri Halliwell and Christian Horner during their wedding at St Marys Woburn Parish Church on May 15, 2015 in Woburn

She told an interviewer: ‘If you want to find the one, you’ve got to be yourself, totally. I’ve definitely been guilty of breathing in, trying to be something the other person wants. What you want is to find the person you can be your ultimate nerd with.’

WIFE IN THE FAST LANE

Geri’s extraordinary social transformation is largely down to the circles her husband, Christian Horner, the boss of the Red Bull Racing Formula One team, moves in. They first met ten years ago, when he was living with his long-term girlfriend Beverley Allen. But it was only in 2014 that their connection turned into a romance.

By then Christian and Beverley, who had a six-month-old baby daughter, had split up after 14 years together.

Geri pictured cooking at her home in a grade 2 listed house just a few miles from Banbury, Oxfordshire

In March of that year, Geri and Christian were first pictured together. Not long afterwards, Geri dyed her ginger hair brown — which was said to be a stab at appearing more respectable for the sake of his parents.

They got engaged and were married in a traditional church service at St Mary’s in Woburn, Bedfordshire, in May 2015. The bride, at the rather senior age of 42, was a vision in a white Phillippa Lepley wedding dress. Ginger Spice reborn as a Chelsea Bride.

However, the groom’s parents were so outraged by their son’s behaviour towards Beverley and their infant daughter Olivia that they declined to attend.

A NANNY, PA AND HOUSKEEPER, TOO

Christian kept the grade 2 listed house just a few miles from Banbury, Oxfordshire — the one Geri is now mistress of — in the split. The new blended family spend the week at Geri’s house in North London, and weekends in Oxfordshire. Her country home features a wood panelled study and a rather grand orangery, where Geri does yoga.

She and her husband have dinner parties where she likes to invite authors and artists. She has a permanent retinue of staff, including a nanny, at least one PA, and a housekeeper.

The family spend the week at Geri’s house in North London, and their weekends in Oxfordshire

People who have visited her house, say that she has an awful lot of Emma Bridgewater crockery

Those who have visited her house, say she has an awful lot of Emma Bridgewater crockery.

She favours polo necks and plummy vowels and takes care to let interviewers know of any improving or difficult books she has read. It’s quite a rarefied lifestyle and she seems to consider herself a quasi-royal.

In a recent interview she even mused: ‘When I’m in doubt, I often think: ‘What would the Queen do?’ ‘

SHE’S LOST THAT OLD SENSE OF FUN

She and daughter Bluebell, 12, are extremely close. Geri raised her as a single mum, with help from friends including the late singer George Michael.

She now sends her daughter to private school. A friend said: ‘She used to think that it was posh to be in Hello! magazine so the instant that Bluebell was born, away she went for a photoshoot with them. Now she knows that it is not posh any more.

Her son Monty, born when she was 44, is regarded as a great blessing and she likes to serenade him on the guitar while dressed in flowing florals

‘She has changed completely. It’s rather like Madonna’s reinvention when she suddenly became an English Lady for Guy Ritchie. The sad thing is that she seems to have ditched that fun and confidence which she used to have.

‘In many ways Bluebell is the girl she wanted to be, privately educated, speaks more than one language, beautifully well spoken, good manners. Geri has seen to all of that. And she has always been a consummate networker.’

SERENADING HER TODDLER SON

Son Monty, born when she was 44, is regarded as a great blessing. She says he was conceived naturally and she is aware of how lucky she is to have this second shot at motherhood. The two of them potter about in her country acres and she takes him out on her tractor. She also likes to serenade him on the guitar while dressed in flowing florals.

She plays ping pong with aristocratic neighbours who include Lady Joanna Wellesley, the ex-wife of the son of the eighth Duke of Wellington

She reportedly thinks of herself as the ‘intellectual’ of the band and is not short on self belief

PING PONG WITH ARISTOCRATS

She plays ping pong with aristocratic neighbours who include Lady Joanna Wellesley, the ex-wife of the son of the eighth Duke of Wellington.

Others in her social circle include writer Richard Curtis.

Oxfordshire neighbours don’t seem too concerned about Geri’s ordinary roots.

Passion for classic cars 

Geri now drives classic cars, including a World War II Jeep. 

One neighbour said: ‘Christian bought her a classic car. It was a red MG.’ 

She can also often be spotted driving around the Oxfordshire lanes in her green Land Rover, dressed head to toe in tweed.

One neighbour said: ‘Geri is lovely. She is often walking around the village with her family. She is very chatty, and her daughter and son are often walking around with her. She is very family orientated.’

She added: ‘I would say she is a bit of a country girl these days. She does a lot of horse riding around the village, and they have a few classic cars so they are often out and around driving in the country.

‘Otherwise, they spend a lot of time together as a family. Her husband has lived in the village a long time, but they have not been seen so much around here since they have been together — but they are both incredibly busy. She really is lovely and very friendly.’

PLUMMY ACCENT IRRITATES PALS

One old London friend told me with a sigh: ‘She is batty, and a bit deluded.’ She added: ‘Have you heard her speak recently? It is crazy.’

Her old friends included the girls from the Nineties band All Saints and Meg Mathews, formerly married to Noel Gallagher of Oasis. They are rather astonished by the ‘Lady Geri, Duchess of Banbury’ phenomenon.

One neighbour said about her: ‘I would say she is a bit of a country girl these days. She does a lot of horse riding around the village’

A friend said: ‘Her airs and graces have got on people’s nerves. The thing is that all the girls know that she is a working class grafter from Watford and she keeps on wafting about as if she is an aristocrat.

‘Of course, being Geri, I think she actually has come to believe that it is true.’

SHE CALLS OTHER PEOPLE ‘PLEBS’

There have been various reinventions since her Spice Girls days — Geri has tried her hand as a solo artist, children’s author, and BBC presenter.

At present she is less than two months away from the Spice Girls reunion tour.

She had hoped that these dates would reassert her status as an ‘icon’ who is fondly remembered.

Certainly her attempts to have solo success, with a single released in George Michael’s memory, were nothing short of an embarrassing flop.

Older friends admit they are rather astonished by the ‘Lady Geri, Duchess of Banbury’ phenomenon

After the tour what will she do?

The signs are that she will go on writing books, writing screenplays and even working on a musical, but that this will mark a decisive end to her days as a pop star.

She thinks of herself as the ‘intellectual’ of the band and is not short on self belief.

A source said: ‘Geri is very determined, now that she has risen, to never go back. I have heard her talk about people being ‘plebs’ which is quite amazing, but tells you how she thinks of herself.

‘This house of hers is actually not in the smart part of the Cotswolds, unlike Victoria Beckham’s, and some people think that she’s not actually posh enough to pull off the new image, but she will die trying.’

The New Queen of Tarts 

Geri, who has taken her husband’s surname, is throwing everything into making the marriage work. 

She said: ‘I do cook for him, I do like to see that he’s happy.’

She likes to boast of her cooking skills on Instagram, in one shot she poses in a Cath Kidston apron while serving home-made plum crumble. She was crowned Star Baker in the 2016 Sport Relief Bake Off, her tarts, ginger biscuits and chocolate cake impressing the judges.

Viewers were surprised to find the former Spice Girl such a dab hand in the kitchen. They were also startled by her plummy vowels.

‘Why is Geri doing a fake posh voice?’ asked one.

She says she is trying to navigate a new identity as an ‘authentic’ woman who is a wife, and a mother, and someone who works. 

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