#I told myself I wouldn't get too involved? But I felt like this needed to be said ngl

[bunny-jpeg]

hihii can i pls request churros w a martini & glass of water + lewis !! thank uu💗💗

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want to suggest your own story? then drop an order in the inbox! thank you for this one! i find myself on a lewis kick lately (i mean c'mon, he's just so charming)!

churros ("if you don't shut that little mouth of yours, i will stuff it full. okay?") + martini (mafia au) + glass of water (aftercare) served by lewis hamilton (formula one)!

cw: smut/pwp, mafia au, aftercare, roleplay, sane and consensual, power play, mafia boss!lewis, missionary sex, unprotected sex, "virgin"!reader, reference to au-typical violence

moanco was beautiful. it was the kind of place that felt picturesque. there was beauty to the area that left you stunned, even after all this time in it. it seemed like every day the sun shined.

but there was a small issue, you were.. wrapped up in a situation. you never expected yourself to ever find yourself involved with the mafia but here you were. in front of one the head boss of a division of a family that hailed from the united kingdom.

the man seated across from you was handsome. his dark eyes loomed over you like an impending force, the rings on his fingers looked expensive but could also deal damage if he were to throw a punch. surprisingly there were no guards around.

you were in his dining room, he smiled at you and then took a sip of his wine. you shifted in your seat unable to take a sip of yours, the nerves ate at your stomach.

"you look scared." he noticed, "there's no reason to be scared."

you swallowed, "i think i have good reason to be scared. you're a scary man, lewis hamilton." you tried to reach for your glass but found yourself too shy.

he chuckled, "i guess you should've thought of that before you took out that loan from the family. it wasn't a small amount either." he rapped his fingers against the expensive table, "actions have consequences, miss."

you replied, "i'll do anything to make up the cost, i've already told you my reasons for why i had to take the money." you swallowed, "it was greatly needed and i'll do what i can to make it all back to you, sir."

he rested his cheek against his hand and smiled at you, "sir, huh? i like the way you say it. comes off your tongue so easily. but, i can think of a few ways that you could make it up to me. i'm not an easy man to buy, dear."

you swallowed, "i don't know if i have much to give in all honesty." you ducked your head. you heard the chair lewis was sitting in be pushed back and him walk towards you. you caught sight of his perfectly shined shoes.

he took you by the chin and made you looked up at him. he smiled at you, most likely a lot softer than he would towards most people. he rubbed your cheek with his thumb. his rings felt nice against your hot skin. he said, "i could get a pretty price for you."

you leaned back, "no, no. please, anything but that. i..i don't want to be sold."

he crowded your space more, both hands now on your face. he raised his eyebrows at you, "well, you'll need to pay back somehow, right? you're running out of options, dear."

"please sir." you swallowed, "please, please, please. i.. i can't!" you felt the anxiety buzz in your mind

"if you don't shut that little mouth of yours, i will stuff it full. okay?" he said, almost like a promise. he didn't want to hear your grovelling. he hated when people grovelled.

you leaned a little further into his touch, not knowing what else to do. you were running out of options, "i..i wouldn't mind being yours... personally. if i can pay it back through sex." you looked up at him, a glimmer in your eye as you hoped he'd accept your offer. it was all you had to give, to give him your body.

he chuckled, "you want to pay me with sex? i guess you must have a whole bunch of fun tricks then?"

your gaze adverted his, "um.. sir... i'm actually a virgin.. only i've ever touched myself." you felt pin pricks of anxiety along your neck.

lewis laughed, it was the kind of laugh that came from deep in the gut. he pulled you up to him from your chair, he looked down at you with a smiled, "you're willing to give em your virginity. well, aren't i special then."

slowly you were brought to lewis' large bedroom. this room alone was worth more than the rent of your tiny studio apartment in a bed part of town. you swallowed when his hands were on your back.

he already taken the necklace off of you and now he was slowly pulling down the zipper of your dress. exposing the skin of your back to him. he placed a hand in the center of your back and rubbed it, "mmm, so soft. so delicate. i could break you in two."

you swallowed, "you wouldn't, right?" you wanted to reassurance.

he chuckled as he got the dress down off your body. then wrapped his tattooed arms around you. he kissed at your jaw and you shuddered. he said, "of course not, it's going to take a long time to make it all back for me. i can't break you on my first ride, that's just a bad investment." his hands then lingered to the waistband of your cute red panties.

everything about you was painfully cute. you were dedicated to making it all back to him. to not be under the thumb of the mafia, but lewis had a hunch that it would take a long time before that happened.

and by the curves of your body and the softness of your lips. how pretty your breasts felt in his large hands. oh, he had every intention of keeping you around for a while.

he kneaded your breasts through your thin bra, he whispered in your ear, "someone was anticipating tonight. were you hoping to get lucky, miss?" he pinched your nipples through the thin fabric.

"i wanted to dress to impress, sir." you said meekly, "in case anything happened." you could feel his erection in his slacks as he rubbed himself up against you.

he kissed the base of your neck and said, "so sweet. maybe if you're a good girl, next time we meet, i'll get you something a little more expensive." it was clearly obvious that everything came from a value pack at a department store. not that he minded obviously, means he could rip them in the future and have them replaced with ease.

however the idea of ripping something off you that cost more than a semesters tuition also made something stir in lewis' gut. so many things to do with this little treat in his home.

he got you fully undressed then told you to get on the bed. he undressed as well and you got a good look at his toned body. you swallowed and tried to advert your gaze to show some kind of respect to the boss. he chuckled and said, "don't hide yourself, beautiful. you can look."

you made eye contact with him and he smiled at you. the most dangerous man in this part of the continent. he was smiling at you, and it made heat pool in your gut.

he didn't kill you on the spot, but rather he was about to fuck you as he got those calvin klein briefs off. when he exposed his hard cock to you, you wanted to look away again. but catching onto your tricks, he said, "eyes on me, beautiful. i like to see the woman i'm fucking's face." then got onto the bed with you.

you were soon under him. he had you by the hips as you rested on your tailbone. the perfect angle to slot his cock into you. you said, "i don't know if it'll fit."

he chuckled, a bit of danger in his tone, "oh. it better fit. or else i'm going to throw you to my boys and when they're done with you, anything will fit that pussy of yours." he could practically feel the skip in your heartbeat. he grabbed at your hips as he rubbed his cock across your slick pussy. he didn't quite sink in yet, wanting to tease the both of you first.

"please, sir. don't hurt me."

"oh, no, no. when you came into my house. i was wondering how to clean up your blood all over the wall. they don't make that paint colour anymore. but watching you over the course of our meal made me hungry for something else." he took his cock in one hand and guided his cock into you, "in this world, my dear. when you are given a gift, you hold onto it. and you, are quite the gift." he pressed a soft kiss against your cheek.

you winced at the feeling of his cock inside of you, the heft of it in your sweet pussy made your insides feel warm. you shivered a little and his lips were on you.

"where have they been keeping you all this time." he kissed at your jaw, "mmm, you feel perfect." he rocked against you. he could feel the pleasure go to his brain, "such a pretty thing. yeah? you like this?"

you nodded and reached out for him. you were getting into the groove of it all. you could feel the heat across your body, it almost felt like burning. your core throbbed for him. this dangerous man fucking you.

he chuckled, "perfect fit for me, and on your first time too. sometimes it takes a while for little things like you to fit around me. but you're just a nice fit. should i be worried that you were lying to me about being a virgin."

you batted your eyelashes at him, "no, sir. i wouldn't lie to you." and he pressed his chest up against yours. you held onto him tighter as the two of you moved together. your movements were soft and unsure. a sign that you hadn't done this before.

he captured your lips once more and moved faster. he found his pace as he thrusted. he could feel the sweat on his back and your nails digging into his skin. he swallowed back the pleasure as he continued to move. you were just so fucking cute.

who let you even take that loan out? they should've just given you the money based on how precious you looked. there should've been no questions. he heart hammered deep in his chest. for such a cold man, when he was with you it all melted.

he could feel the pleasure hit him in the chest as he thrusted up against you. god, you were perfect. the kisses were sloppy and soon his pace had gained enough speed that it was a tad erratic. he yearned for the rush of pleasure that was hitting all the right parts of his brain.

you really were something.

"sir." you said.

"shh. shh, be a good girl. just let me fuck you." his voice was a tad tight.

you dug your nails into his strong shoulders, right up against his tattoos. his lips were on you as you moaned against him. you tightened your legs around him as he bumped his cock into you. when you pulled away. you gasped, "i love you."

he chuckled, his smile big at the sight of your blissed out state, "oh don't worry, honey. i love you too." a slip in the little play you two were having. but he couldn't help it, not when it came to his wife. (oops).

you tensed up and held onto him tightly you. you came around his cock, a wet ring formed around the base of his heavy cock as he continued to bury it inside of you. you let out a small noise and it drove him wild.

he continued his pace, it was a little erratic. this was less the sexy roleplay you two were doing and more two lovers tumbling in the sheets together. oh well, lewis didn't care. he just loved the feeling of you.

close after your orgasm, he had his own. he held onto you by the sides then kissed you on the lips. he groaned into the kiss and tensed up as he finished inside of you. when he went over the peak, he relaxed against you. his face ended up in your chest as he relaxed against you.

"mmm, honey." you said softly.

"you are crazy." he said as he looped an arm around you. he kissed the side of your face, "when i said we could try anything, i wasn't expecting mean mafia boss takes advantage of a poor girl."

lewis hamilton was your husband, had been for two years now. while the fact he was a head boss was true, you were far from an innocent young lady who fell into his trap. you were his wife, the most precious thing to grace this planet. lewis worshiped you like a divine being, so it was hard for him to be so rough with you.

he kissed at your face and said quiet 'i love you's as he made sure that every inch of you was okay. that he didn't take your little roleplay too far tonight.

he got you in one of his old t-shirts, then he got you under him. not to fuck you again. but to just hold. his grip on you was firm, but not painful. he was one of the scariest men in europe. but in the warm intimacy of your shared bedroom, he adored you.

eventually he looked at you, those dark eyes gleaming in the yellowing light of the lamp. he traced patterns across your arm as he said, "next time, how about you be the mean mafia boss. and i'll be the poor in debt fool. maybe you can put those rope skills to use.' his bare thigh rubbed against your soaked cunt.

you held his face then kissed him, "sounds like a plan to me, mister hamilton." then smiled at him. <3

[httpsdana]

could u do one with hector in which the reader is older and at first doesn't want to get involved with him, then asks her friends for tips and manages to win her over.

Chasing What's Right~Hector Fort

*Pictures are from Pinterest*

enjoy <3

request from here

master list -> part 2

players/drivers I write for

y/n always tried to avoid him. Not because she disliked Hector, far from it, she enjoyed his company and his charm. He had this youthful energy that was infectious. But every time he smiled at her or made another attempt to start a conversation, something in her tensed.

She felt the gap between their ages like a weight, like a boundary she refused to cross.

It wasn’t fair to him, y/n thought. He should be with someone his own age, someone who wouldn’t look over their shoulder constantly, worrying about what people might think. But Hector didn’t seem to care about any of that.

They were once at a party, one of y/n's friends who was mutual friends with Hector. y/n was enjoying her time, until she saw Hector. As soon as his eye came in hers, he started his walk to her. y/n tried turning around and running away, but Hector managed

“Why are you always running away from me?” he asked, with a boyish grin. His voice held a teasing note, but his eyes were serious, soft but questioning.

y/n sighed looking down to avoid his eyes. “Hector, you know why.” she said softly

He moved closer, just enough so she could feel the warmth of his presence but still giving her space.

“It’s the age thing again, isn’t it?” he said, looking down at her even if she didn't hold eye contact with him

She nodded biting her lip.

“It’s just...I like you, okay? But I can’t let myself get involved. It doesn’t seem right.” she said, finally looking up at him

He shook his head, a faint smile tugging at his lips.

“It’s not about what seems right. It’s about what feels right.” he tried convincing her

That was the problem. She couldn’t deny that being around him felt easy, felt right. But she also couldn’t help overthinking everything. What her friends might say, what her family might think, the whispers that might follow.

But Hector wasn’t deterred. If anything, her hesitations only made him more determined.

Later that night, Hector had convinced her to take her home, and she agreed. As he parked outside her door, she looked at him with a smile.

"thank you Hector" she said, making him smile. He grabbed her hand in his, raising it to press a kiss on her knuckles. She wanted to pull away, tell him that he shouldn't be doing that, but it felt too right to do it.

"no need cariño. Text me if you need anything" he said, letting go of her hand.

y/n couldn't resist it, so she leaned in and kisses his cheek, leaving him flushed in the car.

That night, all she thought about was what would happen if she agreed on being with Hector. She first thought about the bad things, how her family wouldn't talk to her anymore, or how her friends would judge her if she went to a guy younger than her. But she also thought about the good parts, how she would be the happiest she's ever been.

Before she fell asleep, she received a message from one of her close friends, the girl who was Hector's best friend's girlfriend.

-y/n you will not believe what just happened

She was confused, wondering what had happened with her friend

-what is it?

-Hector came to me during the party. And he started asking me about ways to win you. saying you're giving him a hard time and that he wants to convince you

Something in y/n stirred. She couldn't believe Hector would go all the way to asking her friends how to win her. Was he really that serious about them? She tried holding back her smile, before replying to her friend

-oh he did? what did you tell him

-I won't tell you what I told him. he wants to keep it a surprise;)

-very funny 😒

-now I wanna know why you're giving the poor guy a hard time

- girl you know I'm older than him. that would be weird for others. I mean what would you and the group think about it?

-girly we've been shipping u and hector since you two met. you can't be telling me that u're afraid what we would think?

y/n smiled, glad she has a group of supportive friends who she realized would never judge her.

-well yes but I'm also scared what my family would say. or what hector's fans and family would say. its just not right

-y/n baby please do not think about what people would think. think about what you want. about ur happiness only, if u really like hector then just go for it. don't overthink it

The message left y/n thinking. She really liked Hector and wanted to be with him, even with the nagging voice in her head. She went to sleep that night, only thinking about Hector.

Over the next few days, Hector didn't stop trying. He'd send y/n flowers every morning before she left to work. She'd arrive home after work, and Hector would be at her apartment making her dinner. She appreciates every single thing he did, and slowly he was convincing her to actually go for it and be with him.

A few days laters, y/n arrived to a quite house. It was the first time Hector wasn't there. She went to the kitchen, and saw a note on her fridge.

be ready by 7. we'll be going out for dinner.

-Hector

She shook her head with a smile, not believing that a guy likes her to the extent that he would try his best to make her date him.

By 7, y/n was dressed in a nice black dress, her make up soft while she settled for some fancy heels. As she was putting on her earrings, her belly rang, indicating that Hector has arrived.

She took a deep breath, shaking all the bad thoughts out of her head, grabbing her purse and leaving her room. She opened the door, to be met with a bouquet of red roses. Hector appeared behind the roses, giving her a wide smile.

"hello beautiful. you look stunning" he said, making her cheeks turn red at his compliment.

"thank you. you look handsome too" she said, and it was now his turn to be blushing.

She took the flowers from his, placing them in a vase of water before they started the drive to the restaurant.

They talked all the way there, catching up about their day, the conversation between them seeming smooth and easy.

The dinner with Hector was perfect. y/n couldn't deny the fact that Hector has convinced her to be together, the fact that other's opinions don't matter.

By the end of dinner, Hector suggested a walk on the beach, which y/n couldn't say no to. Their walk was silent at first. Their fingers brushing against each other, until Hector had the courage to hold her hand, hoping she doesn't pull back, which she didn't. He breathed out, smiling to himself as he looked at their interlocked hands.

Hector was about to speak, when y/n beat him to it.

"you know I've been thinking..." she said, making Hector raise his eyebrows

"oh yeah? about what?" he asked

"about us" she said, looking up at him. He gave her an encouraging smile so she can continue

"I think I'm gonna give us a chance" she said, making Hector's smile wider.

"really?" he asked, hope lacing his voice.

She nodded, her smile mirroring his own

"am I dreaming? pinch me to believe this is real" Hector said dramatically making y/n chuckle. She hit his shoulder playfully, making him laugh

"don't make me regret it" she said in a teasing tone

"never. i like you way too much to do that" he said, making her smile.

"lucky for you my friends know what I love. or else you wouldn't have none how to win me" she winked at him, telling him that she knows about him talking to her friends.

He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly, although his cheeks were burning red.

"I had to do anything to convince you" he said softly, making y/n grin

"well you did, so don't mess it up" she said as they stopped walking.

"never" Hector mumbled, grabbing her face in his hands and connecting their lips into a first of many kisses they'll be sharing.

[catboy-majinya]

Alrighty, I'm joining the propaganda train on the side of Zhao. Number 1.) I cannot in good faith describe Majima's fit here as drippy. Yes, I love the outfit, I love the snakeskin. But on an objective level? He is hard to look at in that specific outfit. There is no place for you to rest your eyes that isn't just his hands, abs, or legs. His tattoos clash with the jacket too and makes it hard to look at.

Now Zhao? Yes, he does have a pretty loud shirt, but it is more an accent rather than a focal point. I have more places to rest my eyes, and it is over all more visually interesting and pleasant to look at. Number 2.) Of all the Majima outfits to make it? This is one of the more boring ones to me! It's everywhere! You cannot go a day without it. What happened to the EXTRA Goromi? The FLASHY 24 Hour? The SLEEK Red + Black suit? (ok maybe the red + black is a lil boring compared to the other two? But it lets my eyes rest for a lil bit).

Snakeskin could, can, and HAS been used well, but Majima's use of it is just? Ouch. The leather pants, shoes, gloves? I have no problems with. It's the jacket. Maybe if he had something underneath (black button up, black turtleneck, etc.) I would be less sure of my choice. But this side-by-side? Zhao wins. I honestly cannot see any other way. Now as much as the shorts bother me sometimes? I think any shorter or any longer would feel wrong. The shorts are a fine length once you get used to it.

ROUND #106: COMMENCE MOANING

[hellodropbear]

like she used to (VI)

alexia putellas x sister

part I, II, III, IV, V

~~~~~~

When I asked, Aitana told me there was nothing wrong when she followed Alexia outside. She told me that Mapi hadn't been out there and that she really did need help with her dribbling. 

It was a lie, of course. I am not naive. 

She told me that I was staying at her house tonight, and tomorrow she will call Alba. They were not lies, that much I could tell. 

I don't want her to call Alba, but I don't think I have a choice in that decision.

Aitana and Mapi don't think I should be alone at the moment. Apparently, I have not been taking good enough care of myself to be trusted by myself in my own house.

Their thought is supposed to make me feel comforted, loved. But really, all it makes me feel is frustrated. Weak.

Weaker than I already am.

I am almost 16, I should be able to take care of myself.

I don't tell them that I miss Mami, or that I wish she didn't work until late every night, because I don't want her to pull away from her job. She loves it there, it gives her time away from her children and she can earn money for her future.

I don't tell them that I wish Alba would realise that something is wrong, without having to be told. I can't pull her away from her friends, her job. Her life that doesn't really involve me anymore.

So I don't tell them anything, falling back into the silence as I get into Aitana's car, ignoring her eyes that seemed glued to the side of my face.

"I miss you, Elena."

Her words are almost silent, and if I hadn't strained my ears I wouldn't have been able to hear them.

I know what she means, she misses the person I used to be. I don't know how to tell her that I miss her to, but I just can't seem to find her anymore.

For some reason, her words trigger a sudden swirl of anger, of frustration within me and I am replying before I can even think about what is coming out of my mouth.

"Then leave me alone!"

Aitana recoils and looking back, I can recognise that my words were too harsh. Too harsh to one of the few people who had actually been looking out for me.

But my sadness has morphed into concealed anger over the past few days, a raging fire inside me that is fighting to escape, fighting to explode in the worst way possible.

There is not enough water to put the fire out, my weak attempts only making it grow and grow.

It is just unfortunate that Aitana was the one who had to witness the explosion. If you can even call it that.

Because the tsunami wave is growing, I can feel it building inside of me. It is only a matter of time before it crashes and I feel tense as I wait for the inevitable destruction.

"Elena-" Her voice was soft, too soft. Too kind and too even.

They always were. Mapi and Aitana were always too nice, too caring and too nurturing, even when all I wanted was for someone to scream at me. Someone to yell, to tell me this was all my fault just so I could have someone to blame.

It is too hard to blame Alexia because I love her too much.

It is too hard to blame Alexia because I have been grieving her like she is dead. You do not blame a dead person for dying.

I want to be punished, to be screamed at. I want someone to tell me that I should be like this, to tell me that this is all my fault. I want someone to watch as I cry, to allow me to just release every single thing that is inside of me so I can stop feeling like this.

Stop feeling the sadness, stop feeling the hurt, stop feeling the anger, the loneliness, the isolation.

Stop feeling at all.

Because it all hurts so much, feeling hurts me so much and I want to stop hurting. I want to be safe, comfortable. I want to be loved, to be warm.

I want to be held in Alexia's arms like she used to.

Her hand combing through the knots in my hair, allowing me to fall asleep in her lap.

They were the times I felt most comfortable, right there on the couch, in her arms.

Because she was the sister I went to when I needed comfort, when I needed to cry about all of life's problems. To be frustrated, angry. When I didn't want to be cheered up, when I didn't want to be positive.

To just be miserable.

But it was hard to be miserable when I was consumed by her smell, her touch. The love I could only find in my sister.

And I wish I could get that same comfort from Alba. From Aitana or from Mapi. From anyone that was willing to give it to me.

But I don't think it is that simple.

"I just... I can't do it any more."

Aitana frowns, as if debating inside her what to do.

"What do you need, Lena?"

Her voice cracks. She doesn't know what to do anymore. Similar to how Mapi didn't know what to do with me.

All I need is Alexia, her love and affection. But it is one of the only things I can't get.

So I don't respond, because I can't give her the answer that I want, but there is nothing else that will suffice.

"I don't know why I asked that question. You want Alexia, no?"

I look out the window as I nod.

"Of course I want Alexia!" A tear falls from my eye, although my words do not sound sad, they sound angry.

Because I feel angry, with everything.

But I also feel everything, every emotion giving me whiplash as I finally feel myself breaking.

Aitana hesitates, placing her hand on my shoulder.

"Hey. Hey, Elena, look at me."

I don't turn my head immediately, first trying to shrug her hand off my shoulder but giving up when her grip stays firm, her hand not even budging.

A strangled cry leaves my mouth and I slowly turn my head, my eyes meeting her wet ones.

"What is wrong with me?"

We are in a car, so it is difficult for Aitana to hug me, but she tries her best, reaching over the centre console and wrapping her arms around my trembling body.

"There is nothing wrong with you, Elena. You are going through such a hard thing, but there is nothing wrong with you."

"Why does she hate me so much?"

I whisper through my tears, but Aitana hears me loud and clear.

"She doesn't hate you, not at all. She loves you so much but sometimes it is just hard for her to show it."

"It shouldn't be so hard, it never used to be like this."

~~~~~~

August 23, 2012.

Papi's office door has been closed for too long.

A few months ago, Mami told me that he had died, that he was never coming home. I didn't believe her, so I sat by his locked door, waiting for him to come home and play the piano with me.

But he never did.

Things changed a lot around the house too. Mami started working more and Alexia also started playing more football. Often, it was Alba and me alone at home.

I would sit by the office door, Alba would lie on the sofa, staring at the tv. I don't think she was really paying attention to what was happening because, like Ale and Mami, Alba has not really been doing much at all since Papi left.

But now he has been gone for ages. A long time.

A time that has been so long that I find myself believing Mami. Papi will never come back from heaven.

They say that heaven is a good place, where everyone is happy and everyone gets what they want.

But Papi is in heaven without me. Does that mean he is happy without me? He doesn't want me any more?

The thought crosses my mind over and over, day after day. But I do not tell Mami, because she misses Papi too. I don't want her to think that Papi doesn't want her anymore.

Because why else would he stay there without us.

Alexia cries when I tell her my suspicions. I am sat in the back of her car as she drives me to her training after kindergarten, but she pulls over when the words spill out during my long ramble about my day.

I had been telling her all about the arts and crafts that we had been doing, what I ate for lunch and how I couldn't sleep at nap time. She asked me why, and I told her that it was because my brain was moving too much and I couldn't get the wriggly creatures out and get to sleep.

"What were you thinking about that was so wriggly, pequena?"

She had glanced at me through the rear view mirror, so I could see her frown. I saw it deepen as I explained the reason and watched her indicate and pull over to the side of the road.

She was quick to get into the back seat with me, easily pulling me into her arms and allowing her fat tear drops to fall onto my head.

"That is not true, Elena. Heaven is not a place people want to go to. They only go when they have no choice. Because if Papi had the choice, he would be at home with us. At home where he belongs, teaching you to play the piano, giving you cuddles and kisses, giving you baths, feeding you dinner, singing you to sleep. He is not happy without us, without you, but he is always up there, watching us and making sure we are all happy, making sure that we are all ok."

That was the moment that I realised what death meant, and that was the moment that I started to cry.

"Papi is gone forever? He can not come home, Mami said. But why, Alexia? Why can't he come home?"

Her arms tightened around me and she exhaled quietly before speaking.

"He was sick, p, very sick. His body couldn't handle the sickness and one day it stopped working. You can't live without a working body, so he went to heaven. He died, Elena, and we can't do anything to bring him back."

I didn't have a response for that. All I could do was cry, sobbing into my sisters arms in the back seat of her car on the side of the main road.

Her keys were still in the ignition, the engine still running as my body wracked with sobs, apparently contagious as Alexia dissolved into quieter cries into my hair.

I think I fell asleep there, because the next thing I knew, Alexia was carrying me into the house.

My eyes stung and my face felt dry, but as soon as we walked inside the house, I knew where Ale was taking me.

The chestnut door had not been unlocked in months, but I remember that the key was kept in the top draw of the shelf in the lounge. I couldn't reach the draw, but I grabbed the key as soon as it was in Alexia's hand, reaching down from where I was balanced on her hip as she walked silently down the hallway.

I could feel her breath catch when the door opened and my own stomach filled with butterflies as she sat down on the piano stall, sitting me right in her lap.

"Do you want to play your song?"

I shook my head. It didn't feel right playing without Papi beside me. His study felt haunted, almost, like he should be right behind me, ready to scoop me us and cover me in kisses once I finished my song.

But deep inside of me I knew he would not be there, yet it would be impossible to prepare myself for the disappointment that I would feel when he wasn't there.

So I curled up into my older sister who easily wrapped her arms around my trembling form, planting a soft kiss on my hair.

"Papi loves you so much, Elena. So, so much. He will always be up there looking out for you and I will help him out by being the one to look after you down here. I will always love every bit of you because you are my best friend, pequena."

I had nodded, responding meekly.

"You are my best friend too, Ale. I love you as well."

I fell asleep in her lap again, but the next time I woke up, it was beside her in her bed.

And I was comfortable, because my sister means everything to me.

She is the person who will be there for me forever.

~~~~~~

I was angry for the next few weeks, despondent when Mapi or Aitana tried to get anything out of me.

But they had gone over me and decided that even though I didn't want to, they would call Alba to at least let her know that I wasn't ok.

I had listened to them on speaker phone to each other from the other room, although I didn't want anyone to realise how much I actually cared. How nervous I was of rejection, of Alba not caring.

But to say she cared was an understatement.

"What do you mean, 'she's not doing well?'" Alba's voice was frustrated, that much was clear. "Is it because of Alexia? The pressure in the first team? She promised she would tell me if she needed me."

It was Mapi who responded, knowing Alba better than Aitana.

"It's everything, Alba. It is obvious when you see it, so we've been looking after her for the past two months."

"Why didn't you call me earlier? I would have been there immediately!"

She was frustrated by them, but I dread her reaction when she is told why they didn't call her earlier. Because it, like many problems in my life, is all my fault, a decision that I made. A decision that Mapi and Aitana did not agree with.

But when Aitana responded, she did not say what I expected her to.

"We didn't realise how bad it was. But she does need you, Alba, please come at some point."

"I am in the car, driving now. Where are you?"

She was clearly annoyed, her voice was very telling.

"We are at mine." Mapi's voice was soft, and I could hear her sigh as Alba hung up.

I sat back down quickly as they returned to the lounge room, not noticing Ingrid's eyes on me from where she was in the kitchen.

"Alba is coming now." Mapi spoke softly, sitting down on the sofa, leaving a large distance between us.

"I am going to go home now." I looked at Aitana as she spoke and nodded. She waved to Mapi and Ingrid, grabbing her bag and heading out.

Alba arrived not long after, practically storming inside, concern etched into her frown.

"Elena." She gasped softly, sitting herself down right beside me and wrapping one arm around me.

"Elena, what has happened?"

I shrug nonchalantly, not volunteering any information. I watched as Mapi cowered under Alba's strong glance, apparently not sure what she should say.

Ingrid was calm as she entered, however, placing a cup of coffee in front of Alba and then her girlfriend.

"Elena has been staying here for a while, some nights she's been with Aitana."

"Have you been sleeping? You look tired. You are also pale, Elena. Why didn't you tell me? Even if Maria and Aitana didn't think it was necessary, why didn't you say something when we were on the phone?"

Alba studies me closely, stress evident in her voice.

It reinforces my decision to not tell her anything until I am ok again, because now she will be everywhere.

I can't live with her because she lives far from the training ground and doesn't have the time to take me to training, but she will be everywhere else.

There is another uncomfortable silence, broken again by Ingrid.

"She didn't want to be a burden on you. She kept saying how you have your own life and you shouldn't have to look after her."

Alba just shakes her head, her arm securing around my waist and facing me more directly.

"You were wrong, Elena! I am your older sister. Just because Ale and you are not getting on does not mean you ice me out as well."

My face remains blank as she reprimands me, barely registering her words.

"Are you even listening to me? Elena! Please, just let me in."

Her voice breaks and Ingrid looks at Mapi, nodding out of the room. They exit and Alba seems glad to have some privacy.

"Why have you not been staying with Mami?"

"Not my choice."

I am embarrassed about how weak my voice is, but I can't muster any more strength.

All of my strength is used up at training, ensuring I am improving, proving my worth. I have to be good enough to stay there.

It is when I get home that things fall apart, so tired, so emotional. It is easier to be emotionless than emotional.

"Was it lonely at home, when Mami was working?"

I nod.

"And when did you start staying with Maria and Aitana?"

I shrug.

"Couple months ago. Soon after the first game. I told Mapi that I felt confused and lonely so she said I would stay with her."

Alba nods, frowning softly. When she speaks again, her voice is soft.

"I wish you would have told me. I am sorry for not noticing. It's still bad with Ale?"

I can't blame her for not knowing, she said months ago that she was going to stay out of our drama.

"We barely look at each other. It hurts, everything... hurts."

I don't cry because I don't think there are any tears left in me.

"And I don't know what to do because she was always the one I went to when I was feeling confused or when I needed things to make sense. You would cheer me up, but she would clear things up."

She nods, looking at me intently, clearly listening.

"And now I can't talk to her and nothing makes sense anymore. I don't understand anything and I just feel so... full. Like I could just burst at any moment but I'm not going to because I don't think I would deal with that very well. And I can't sleep at night because my thoughts won't stop. It's like as soon as I rest my head on the pillow they just start going and I can't stop them and I can't clear them out because-"

She interrupts me.

"Because Alexia was the one who used to get rid of the wriggly thoughts, no?"

I nod and lean my head on her shoulder.

"Have you played the piano much in the past few weeks?"

She knows that it was my way of releasing my emotions.

I haven't, so I shake my head.

"We will change that, ok? I am going to take you home for the afternoon and we'll get some of your clothes, some things you want from home because I do think it is good that you are here with Ingrid and Mapi. And you can play your piano. It'll make you feel better, I'm sure."

I nod, standing up from the sofa and walking out onto the balcony to where Ingrid and Mapi are waiting.

"Alba is taking me home." I probably should have given some more explanation, because Mapi seems confused.

"Her house is too far from here, you can't stay there, Elena."

I nod.

"She's not taking me to hers, she's taking me to my house for the afternoon. I want to play my piano and I need some of my own stuff anyway."

The Spaniard seems to understand. She nods, standing up and pulling me into a hug.

"Call me if you need anything at all."

I nod, rolling my eyes in amusement. She is too good to me. I tap her head when she releases me from the hug and she laughs, moving to sit back down with Ingrid.

"You haven't used it because it's not great, but you can use my keyboard in the study whenever you want."

"Thanks, Ingrid."

~~~~~~

It was weird walking into my bedroom after such a long time not being here. Alba helped me pack clothes into suitcases, telling me over and over that this was all ok, that everything would be ok.

I think she was mainly trying to reassure herself; Alba has always been most effected by anything that breaks our once strong family unity.

But I am only 15. Almost 16 now, but I shouldn't be by myself every night.

Because they were right, I wasn't feeding myself, I wasn't taking care of myself. It wasn't good and it wasn't healthy.

And I will never forget the kindness that both Mapi and Aitana have shown me, stepping in like sisters when Alexia wasn't there like she should have been.

I think about them as I play my piano, my fingers easily falling back into rhythms that are like second nature.

I feel my tense body relaxing as the song flows on, transitioning between fast and slow, loud and soft. My head spins with thought, but the tears do not fall.

Despite the emotions raging inside of me, my face remains stoic, focused only on the intricate patterns my fingers are creating as they hit the keys so hard that there is a slight ache in my hands. My song is full of my emotions, yet it feels like they barely skim the surface of the raging ocean inside of me.

The ocean that keeps producing waves that crash and fall at any chance they can get, usually quelled by the piano, by the rhythms that hold the meanings and secrets of my life. The notes that have written who I am and what I stand for.

But today they do not stop, they barely even slow down and the lack of the release I am hungry for leaves me unsatisfied. The song doesn't explode as usual, instead slowing down to a anticlimactic ending, my hands recoiling from the keys as I frown down at my hands.

Because why is this happening?

The piano is supposed to make me feel better, but all it has done is make me feel more confused, more worried about everything happening outside.

And I feel betrayed. Betrayed by the piano, but betrayed by my father.

Because the piano connects me to him, and I always thought that as long as I could play the piano, he would be there watching me, guiding me. My connection with him is why the piano means so much to me; it is why I can release everything into the music and calm whatever negativity I may be feeling.

But today it feels like he is not here. And as my eyes rest on the picture above the piano, all I feel is disappointment.

Alexia told me that he would be there to watch me from above and she would be there to love me from where she would always be right next to me.

And I knew that if I had them everything would be ok.

But now... Now I have neither and my whole world is going to slowly fall apart. Piece by piece until there is nothing left but me and those stupid emotions that I can't stop thinking about.

The stupid emotions that I have begun to detest.

The stupid emotions that have ruined my life.

Apparently, I have a never ending supply of tears, because they begin to fall again, my arm slamming on the keys with a sob.

I always thought I would have my father there in my piano, that I could rely on the simple instrument for that love that I so deeply desired. And he has never once failed me. Not when I needed him, not when I wanted him. He was even there when I just wanted to play, to learn, to perform.

But right now, when I need him the most, he decides he won't be there.

And it must be my fault.

For the first time in months, I feel completely empty, void of any of the emotions that have consumed me for so long.

The air becomes blurry as I cry, my mind hazy and my senses obscured.

I don't know what is happening to me, but I can feel myself slipping away as my senses disintegrate into nothing.

I think I have broken myself. Because everything is all so confusing, things rushing through my mind and out so quickly that it feels like everything is falling out of me.

Maybe the tsunami wave has grown big enough that it is ready to crash. Maybe it is already crashing, washing away everything in it's path.

But I don't know if I dislike it, because for the first time in a long time, I feel peace. I don't feel so confused anymore because there is nothing left to be confused about.

It is just me, none of those emotions that sent me into constant overdrive, exhausting me but simultaneously preventing me from resting.

None of the emotions that I used to feel coming back to haunt me, no memories of what my life once was there to mock me, a heartbreaking illustration of everything I have lost.

It's all gone.

Everything has slipped away from me and I am finally calm.

It's just me, my piano and my tears.

So I close my eyes softly, my body folding over onto the piano as my sobs soften to quiet cries. A broken chord rings through my room as my head falls onto the keys and I allow myself to just sit there.

Just me, my piano and my tears.

My door opens, but I can't hear the voices that enter my room, or the footsteps that move towards me.

I don't register the bodies that sit on either side of me on the piano stall, or the worried words that escape from their mouths.

It all sounds like a distant murmur. My skin is numb to any contact.

I don't even register Alba grabbing my face and lifting it to stare into my tear-filled eyes. I don't register the soft slap she leaves on it and there is no way for me to notice the terror that is painted all over her face, even evident in her posture.

But another pair of arms wraps around me and everything comes crashing down.

Because they are arms that I will never not recognise. A hold that is tight enough to comfort me, tight enough to make sure I can't escape, but not too tight to choke me or make me feel trapped.

I used to say that Alexia's arms had some sort of magical powers, their innate ability to calm me down and set me straight was an ability that nobody else possessed.

And Alexia was right there, right next to me. A tear stained face that likely matched mine, her voice shaky and worried as she whispered my name over and over again, her tears falling onto my head.

But Alexia was right there, and everything that she has done came flooding back to me, so quickly that I didn't even have time to register it before her touch burned me, my body instinctively recoiling and standing up.

"No..." my voice was a raspy whisper but could be heard loud and clear by both my sisters.

"No, Alexia. No!"

I stepped out of the hold that both the piano stool and my sisters had on me, backing up to where my bags were, picking them up and fleeing the room.

Because I can't deal with this.

I can't deal with the tears that stain Alexia's face, the terror that was clear on Alba's.

Because this all is my fault.

And there is nothing I can do at this point to fix everything I have ruined.

~~~~~~

hope you enjoyed :)

part VII

[love-hatred-stuff]

》 hey, hi~ here's a draft that I wrote instead of continuing other fics that I wanted to write, lmao I hate myself :')

》 Eddie Brock(Venom) x (f)Reader

⚠ a little warning; age gap (10y), daddy issues here we goooo, just a tiny bit spice and some sprinkle de dinkle ★angst★

♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤♠︎♤

Eddie hadn't had sex in what felt like centuries. Actually just one or two years but who's counting when all he can do is use his hand and Venom mostly doesn't even let him finish. That monster doesn't give shit about it, he claims that Eddie wouldn't need it. He needs food and water but not a jerk off.

Well if he knew why he'd been going on it so much lately, maybe Venom would let him, but he's not ready to give that up yet. It's probably the only thing about Eddie, Venom hasn't completely figured out yet.

It was you. You were the reason he was slowly but surely losing the mind he shared with the compatible slimy alien inside of him.

•••

"Eddie thanks for checking, but I can manage." You told him on the other line of the phone.

Eddie just wanted to help you pack and carry your things since you were moving to another apartment. You've been able to get promoted again and now you were at the very top of the not even so small company you've been working at for about five years now. You could say you were pretty good at your job.

"I habe plenty of strong people here, helping me out. I don't even have to carry anything, I just decide were the furniture and boxes are getting placed. You don't need to worry, darling."

Eddie had a smirk dancing on his lips. You knew he could do everything they were doing, at least twice as fast.

"I should come over later then. I'll bring dinner." He suggested.

"Great idea. But don't let Venom choose take out again, please Eddie." Ugh the way you were saying his name made his brain go blank and suddenly Venom was hyperaware of what was going on.

"Promise. See ya." He immediately ended the call, leaving you a little confused. Ed could sense what Venom felt, just beneath the surface.

"Holy Shit!!!" Venom growled.

"You kidding me? She's the reason you've been going to the gym and eating healthy now? Why you've been completely desperate to stroke your dumbass dick?" Then he laughed. Finding it hilarious that Eddie was in love again. After his last woman, Anne, he'd been taking a while to open up again. Actually he didn't talk to any other woman besides you.

The thing was just, that you were ten years younger than him and he'd practically seen you grow up. Of course he never saw you the way he does now, back then. But it was quite bad how hard he had fallen for you in the last few months.

"I KNOW! She's too young for me. I'll keep my distance, okay? It wasn’t my intention to develop feelings." He tried defending himself.

"As if I cared, you nasty human. Get you dick wet if that's what you need." The symbiot snarled.

Eddie was surprised, to say the least.

"You're not gonna disturb us?" He asked in suspicion.

"Thought you wanted to keep your distance? Not anymore? Kidding. Do what you gotta do. Since you're my host I gotta let you have at least one thing."

"That'd be great." He smiled to himself.

"Now get your ass up at get her something nice, if you wanna get inside her pants."

"I don't wanna get inside her pants! Well- maybe a little, but I care about her more than that."

Eddie sensed, by Venom's silence, that he doesn't wanna get involved in his love life any further. Although he couldn't blame Eddie, you were gorgeous little human. A young one at that.

So he showered and grabbed his keys, so he could get dinner and some flowers. He was a little nervous buying these, because he knew that would be the first romantic move he's ever made on you. You probably only saw him as like an uncle or something, nothing more. Knowing his luck, he didn't even expect you to like him back.

He would know soon.

•••

Well, but who knew, he's gonna find himself underneath you instead?

Eddie was sitting on the couch, the only thing that wasn't completely packed with stuff and boxes. You were straddling him, taking his breath away with the way you moved your skilled tounge against his. He was a little hesitant though, barely touching your hips with his hands because he didn't know were to put them. He wanted so badly to grip your sides tight and push you closer against his crotch.

But he was unsure. Even though you clearly gave him all the signs that you wanted this, he felt like he was using you. Venom's earlier words spiralling in his mind; '-if you wanna get inside her pants.' No! He didn't! He wanted so much more than that. So it felt wrong to just jump you the moment you said you liked him back- well you didn't really say anything, you just smiled to yourself as you accepted his flowers and began to stalk towards him, until this moment, where you plastered him with marks and kisses.

Despite all those doubts, he felt heavenly, holding most of his sounds back, almost impossible. You were a woman with so many strengths, kissing and grinding being apparently one of them. Glad, he found out.

He only realised seconds later that you'd stopped and were looking straight at him.

"What's wrong?" Your worried look scratched at his heart instantly.

"Nothing." He lied.

He was a good liar. But you weren't buying it, you knew him well enough.

"You don't want this? You should've said so, Brock."

Ugh, another pang shooting through him stronger than he'd expected. The usage of his last name? Nah. You only did that when you were seconds away from switching your emotions. You were gonna tell him to piss off and stay away from you, until you forgave him, unless he would tell you the truth right f*cking now. He knew because he'd disappointed you once before. That was a complete different scenario, and now you felt personally attacked. He could feel it, even Venom could.

"No! I really really want this! Or else I wouldn't have told you what I did earlier. It's just, that it feels wrong touching you, with my hands."

Oh. No.

He just made it worse, didn't he? Judging by the way your face went blank, his speech definitely went sideways.

"Get lost." You were pointing to your door with your finger, giving him a stern look.

He felt like a little scared kid again, being scolded by his mom. Only ten times worse.

"What? No! I'm saying this because I'm so much older than you, y/n! I swear on my mother and the symbiot living inside of me that I've been craving you for the longest time now. I love you, god damn it! But I shouldn't and I know that, alright? But I can't help it. I'm sorry if I send you the wrong signals. I'm just worried that people will take you away from me, because of that." Eddie stood up and slowly walked towards you, trying to not make you even more uncomfortable than he already had.

You looked a little more relaxed now though.

"So you denied me because you feel a little perverted? God, Eddie you're not a grandpa and I'm a grown woman with a good life ahead of her. Do you think I would throw that away for a forbidden romance? You and I are perfectly okay to be with each other. Nothing's gonna happen, it's only ten years, Brock." Eddie flinched again at the end. Seemed like he had to soothe you a little more.

"Could you please stop addressing me with my last name, it scares me a little. I get it now. I'm sorry for worrying so much, sweetness." Eddie gently touched your cheek, caressing it and putting a strand of hair behind you ear.

"You have a lot of making up to do, you grandpa." You glanced up at him, allowing a tiny smile to dance on your cherry lips.

-----

To be continued...?

Love, love, love

~ love-hatred-stuff ♡

[eunsuri]

Perspective on Solas/Mythal regrets and grief

Trigger warning: Death and grief

I've seen a lot of people complaining about Solas being too hung up on Mythal and the fact that he has so many regrets tied to her, and believing that he loves Mythal more than Lavellan.

I don't believe this to be true, as we've been told by Trick Weekes that this is not the case.

However, i also wanted to offer a quick piece of perspective on the situation that has really helped me to understand Solas' pain and why he is doing what he is.

Imagine that you had a very dear friend since childhood, your first friend, that has maybe guided you, given advice and been there for you, and you have been close with them your entire life growing up. Imagine everything you may have done with that friend, creating memories, sometimes good and sometimes bad.

Imagine this friend introducing you to someone or something that looks promising, or an idea that could change the world. You believe in this friend and they ask you to help them with this. You start to notice that things aren't what they seem, that the things you are doing to help this friend achieve this great outcome have involved some terrible things.

You see that this is wrong, but you love and respect your friend so much, you believe in their cause and want this great outcome. But you start to see them going down a slippery slope and you want to turn them away from this thing that's dangerous for them. Your friend considers your words, but they're enthralled with this vision and believe what they are doing is right. They ignore your request and keep going with this thing.

You can see how dangerous this is, so you beg them to come with you and get away from this terrible thing, you know they could get hurt or die in the process, but they continue to go on and end up getting killed.

Imagine the pain and regret you would feel, the feeling that you have failed to protect your friend when you had the chance even though you had tried and now they're gone. You went down this path with them, you had the chance to save them and were unable to pull them out, now it's too late.

You reach the anger stage of your grief and have the opportunity to avenge your dear friend, and you take it. As the years go by, the world around you then changes, turning to the opposite of what your friend may have wanted, but you have the power to change this. Though it's risky, you have the power to fix things and make up for your failure to protect your friend, and make the world better like they wanted. Even if it's been years, the thoughts and regrets plague your mind, knowing that you may have been able to save them, and that instead you could now change things to what they would have wanted.

That is Solas. That is why Solas is filled with regret and wants to right his wrongs, especially after knowing the terrible things he has also done. He wants to make things right, fix the world to how Mythal would have wanted it.

People deal with grief in different ways, some are able to work through their grief completely and move on with their lives, while some struggle for years and years and it consumes them. I believe that due to the Elves also previously being spirits which embodied a single emotion, they feel things very deeply in their physical forms, and that is part of why Solas' grief and regret could have such a firm hold on him. There wouldn't be therapists, psychologists, and counsellors like we have to help us work through these things.

As someone who has lost a very dear childhood friend way too soon myself, I still think about her often. It's been over 10 years, and while I've moved on with my life and don't wallow in my grief, she still crosses my mind. I still wonder if she felt that I failed to help her in her time of need. If I had the opportunity to go back and save her from the things that caused her so much pain, I would. If I could change the world to be better, in the way I know she would have wanted, I would.

I don't condone Solas' actions of course, tearing down the veil and killing many more people in the process is definitely not something I would want to happen to Thedas. But I empathise with him, his grief, and the regrets he has in regards to Mythal, regardless of the manipulative nature of their relationship.

As Trick has told us, Solas loves Lavellan and she is the bright future he believes he does not deserve until he fixes his mistakes and moves past his regret. He doesn't love Mythal more, he is eaten up by his failure and wants to fix his mistakes, no matter how much it destroys him.

He's more hung up on his failure and his mistakes, rather than Mythal herself. He was under her service, and he needed her to free him in order to move on from his grief, so that he could be free to atone and to love Lavellan, his bright future.

[shatteringtheverystars]

Okay, I have to say something about some of us (fans) regarding Buck, Tommy and Eddie. I've seen a lot of people who aren't fans of Tommy for a while now, either because he's in a relationship with Buck or just individually, but sometimes I see some negative comments about Tommy or the relationship he shares with Buck that really bother me and I think it might bother some other people too. Guys, it's okay to like Tommy as a character and root for Buddie to happen at the same time, it's not like they're two completely opposite things! There's a lot going on with these characters and there's plenty of room for a lot more to happen. Sometimes I see a post referring to Buck and Tommy together as if the series was going to end tomorrow because of their relationship. Being completely honest, I've been on Team Buddie since Eddie came to 911. I'll always root for Buddie and I'm very happy when news comes out that brings us closer to that achievement, but I really like the character that Tommy has grown into and having Buck as a character that is very dear to me - I love Tommy's actions/attitudes that have brought positive changes to Buck's well-being and that have led him to new realizations and new grounds. Also, it seems that being in a relationship with Tommy, Buck is feeling like he's never felt before, that in itself is already wonderful, he's found himself with a person who gives him space, isn't toxic, seems to do everything possible to make him happy and they get along very well together. Because of this, I can't like Eddie anymore and think that he and Buck together wouldn't be just as good? (or even better?) (We can also want for it to be better while enjoying things where they're at now, there's always room for improvement) I mean, it's okay to root for Buddie, we've all wanted this and we'll be thrilled when it happens for sure, but along with that we can also enjoy the now, be happy with the development that's happening between these three characters (both individually and within their relationships) while we wait for it to happen. Lou himself told an interviewer that: "he thinks fans who want Buck and Eddie to become romantically involved should still embrace Tommy"

Also, his words regarding Buddie in this video:

“I think that from Season 2, Buck and Eddie have had great chemistry. And has it been more than friendship? Has it not? Does anyone know for real? I think it’s great. I think it’s a relationship we don’t really see ever on TV — two men that are enjoying each other, that are friends, that are sharing intimate moments,” Ferrigno Jr. said. “Are they? Are they not? Either way, it’s two strong men being vulnerable and opening things up, and I just love that, and I try to be that person for my friends. Will they end up together? I don’t know. But Tommy’s a good guy. Tommy’s really got a lot to offer. And you need to shake things up a little bit, because Tommy extended the life of Buddie, because now Tommy and Buck are going on a date and what happens if that doesn’t work out? Huh? Have you thought of that?”

It says it all, I think having a little patience with the characters and with what the producers are creating for them is the best thing to do. That's it, besides, it's okay to like Tommy individually too, imagine when Buddie happens, and suddenly Tommy continues in their lives as a friend, or a coworker, anyway, so many possibilities. Thank you so much for coming to my TED Talk, I needed to see a post like this today and I thought "why don't I do it myself?". Let's keep going! and stay hydrated!

[whimsicalish]

Sienna finds comfort in the strangest place.  

around 2k words

Cw for suicidal thoughts and ideation, implied death. There are references to the previous movies and Art is his own warning. Sienna isn't having a good time. 

- 

Fair warning- I do not consider myself to be a writer. I just couldn't get this idea out of my head and i thought i could try. So here is my attempt. This fic isn't meant to be shippy and it'd be appreciated if it wasn't viewed that way.

On that note: English isn't my native language so i apologize for any possible errors and mistakes.

-

Sienna's life was left in shambles after that Christmas night. Her uncle was gutted and nailed to their kitchen wall, her aunt was dead in the living room and Gabbie was gone. And Jonathan- she didn't want to think about him. She doesn't think she could handle it right now.  

Her wounds slowly stitched themselves together. Sienna felt numb. She was covered in blood; she was shaking both from the shock of the events that just unfolded, and from the cold. 

The cold breeze from the opened window reminded her that he was still out there, that he got away. The sadistic fuck who ruined her life was still alive and he was who knows where. Sienna wanted to scream. She wanted to scream and cry and tear her hair out- but she felt too exhausted to move. She felt too exhausted to do anything. 

She sat on the floor, staring ahead at nothing. She doesn't know how long she sat there, but it felt like she had been there for years. 

- 

Life moved on, but Sienna couldn’t. She got the house and all their belongings. She was the only surviving relative. She felt like her life was slipping past her, she felt like everything was moving and she was stuck in place.  

She was on a treadmill but she couldn’t get up, she couldn’t get her legs under her and stand up and run.  

Sienna felt... defeated. What did she have left? What did she have left to live for? 

Her therapist told her she needed to get out and start a new life. She told her she needed to find people to talk to- to find new friends, but Sienna couldn’t. She didn't know how to talk to people. She was paranoid and she was terrified still. Art was still out there, he was still alive, and Sienna knew it was just a matter of time before he came after her again. She wouldn't get anyone else involved. She couldn't bear the thought of being responsible for another death.  

Her therapist was nice. She was nice but Sienna didn't know how to open up. She didn't know how she could talk about the things that happened. She didn't know what she would even say. She didn't know why she decided to even go to therapy. She knew no one would be able to help her. She knew she couldn't talk about the things that actually happened- she knew she could never talk about the whole “demon” thing nor the immortal thing. 

She thought maybe if she had someone there to just talk to her it would help. Maybe she thought that she would be able to talk about it with someone at least a little bit- maybe she hoped she would be able to open up to someone- but she didn’t see herself making any progress.  

She was wasting the therapists time.  

It was almost a year.  

Siennas life was taken from her, and she didn't know how to get back on her feet. She missed her brother. She missed Jonathan. She wanted him back. 

Christmas was coming again, and Sienna didn’t know if she would be able to handle it. Both Halloween and Christmas were ruined for her. Now all she could think about when she saw cute or creepy decorations was Art. Whenever she heard a Christmas song or any sort of Christmas carol, she felt like she couldn't breathe. She felt like she was back in the terrifier, she felt like she was back in her aunt's living room, tied to a chair, forced to watch those two murder her remaining family. 

It was suffocating. Everything reminded her of the clown, everything around her reminded her of her dead family. She couldn’t stop thinking about the face of her auntie just before she got murdered, she couldn’t stop thinking about Gabbies terrified expression when Art dragged her into the room, she couldn’t stop thinking about seeing her slip with the sword deep into the pit-  

She couldn’t stop imagining all the horrendous details, she couldn’t stop thinking about all the blood and the gore around her- the thick smell of all the blood making her sick to her stomach. She couldn’t get the smell out of her nose for weeks, still feeling like her nose was stuffed with all the blood of her now dead family. She would never forget the stench of blood and gore- she would never forget the smell of her family's blood. 

Everything felt so overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time and she didn’t know what to do, how to function. 

Most of her days were spent sitting at home, stuck in her own mind. She was struggling the five years after the first time she encountered Art, and she was finally starting get better, but now- now she went through the same thing again and she felt like she couldn't do anything. She lost everything and everyone again and she didn't know if it was even possible to move on from something like that. How do you move past that amount of trauma? How do you deal with something like that?  

Sienna wanted nothing more than to just go back to her old life. 

Getting groceries at the mall used to be a normal, casual and an easy task. Now, however, it felt overwhelming. She was scared, constantly looking over her shoulders and checking around to make sure he wasn’t there- that he wasn’t watching her, that he wasn’t waiting for her somewhere. Sienna knew for sure that he was out there, and it was just a matter of time before he got her. 

She couldn’t help the anxiety creeping up on her every time she left the house, every time someone passed by her that she couldn’t see, every time she felt someone brush against her. Sienna hated feeling so scared and being so skittish. She felt like a wild animal sometimes.  

- 

Sienna stood frozen. He was there. He was right there, in her kitchen, making hot chocolate out of all things. The man who ruined her life, the man who killed everyone she ever cared about- the man who traumatized her- standing in her kitchen, making hot chocolate. The sweet smell of the warm liquid almost made her want to throw up.

She thought back to last year when he was standing there, nailing her uncles dead and decapitated body to the wall.  

She felt like crying. She wanted to scream and yell, she wanted to get angry, she wanted to dash for a knife and stab him, she wanted to run it through his heart and gut him herself, she wanted to skin him alive and ask him how it felt. She wanted to make him scream and she wanted to hear his voice. She wanted to hear him be in pain. (She wasn’t sure if he even could talk, but the thought of making him scream in pain filled her with warmth.) 

She couldn’t move. All that anger, all that want to get her revenge- all those overwhelming feelings disappeared as soon as they appeared, and all she could feel in that moment was resignation. All the fight left her. All the anger, the terror- it was all just gone. She felt exhausted and desperate and resigned. 

She felt tears slipping down her cheeks.  

She wanted to fight- but she knew there was no point. She wanted to run and scream and hide away to never be seen again- but she knew there was no point. He would always come back to haunt her, he would always come back to finish the job. There was nothing Sienna could do.  

He was here to have his fun, he was here to end her, and Sienna had no fight left in her to even try and fight back if he tried. 

Her breath hitched in her throat as she felt her knees give out. She reached for the chair in front of her to support her weight. She knew running away wouldn't help her. He would come for her if she didn't end him first. And she didn't know how to. She didn't have the will to try. She lost everything and everyone in her life- what does she have to lose? Her life doesn't feel like hers anymore. It feels like it's his.  

Sienna stumbling and catching the chair to support herself was what got the clowns attention.  

He turned around from his place at the stove and he smiled when he saw her. He was excited to see her.

Sienna didn’t know how to feel. She almost felt relieved. The clowns presence brought along with it such raw fear and anxiety- it felt familiar. Comforting almost. She closed her eyes as tears slipped down her face. 

When she opened her eyes again she saw Art has turned away from her again and he was now pouring his hot chocolate from the pot into a mug.  

Sienna felt like laughing at the absurdity.  

The clown wasn’t paying attention. She could try and end him right now. She could cut off his head again, she could choke him from behind, she could stab him over and over again- but what would it matter? It wouldn’t do anything. He was seemingly immortal. And Sienna was tired of fighting. 

She slipped into the chair and sat down. 

The man turned around and put the mug in front of her and proudly presented it to her with a wicked smile that made her stomach turn. She looked at the mug before looking back at him. 

He appeared to be unarmed. Sienna didn’t feel relieved by that fact at all. She knew she was going to meet her demise soon. She knew he was going to have his way with her, with, or without weapons. He was going to torture her and kill her anyway.  

Sienna looked up at him. He was still smiling, looking at her. There was nothing in his eyes. They were scarily empty.  

“Why?” She asked, her voice weak and shaky. She wanted to be angry at him, she wanted to be furious, but she couldn’t find it in herself to get mad. She had no more to give. She just wanted to know why he did what he did.

Art just shrugged in an exaggerated manner, looking all innocent- well, as innocent as a killer clown can look. 

Sienna felt more tears welling up in her eyes. This man killed all her friends, her whole family, just because he was bored and felt like it. He did it just because he could, and Sienna was sure it was fun to him. 

She slumped forward, her head resting on her hands as a sob escaped her. She started crying silently. She was sure the clown was enjoying her pain. 

She heard him pull up a chair and sit down in it, right next to her. 

She felt a hand touch her shoulder in what she thought was a comforting gesture. 

Looking to the side at the clown, he had mock pity on his face. He was mocking her, laughing at her pain- and Sienna just broke. She sobbed and unwillingly leaned into the hand still on her shoulder. She felt the man tug her towards him and she let her body fall forwards into him.  

Art slowly enveloped her in a hug and Sienna could feel him shaking. He was laughing.  

He was laughing, he was comforting her to mock her- the killer, the monster who ruined her entire life- he was holding her close and comforting her just to remind her that she had no one else but him. She had no one and nothing left. All she had was her trauma and the painful memories. 

Sienna sobbed into his chest and despite her conflicting emotions- his tight embrace felt comforting, and the realization made Sienna sob harder as one of his hands started petting her hair.  

She felt safe in his arms, knowing he was going to be the one to kill her soon. 

The promise of death felt like heaven to her broken and tortured mind. 

[the5thcellar]

The only reason why people are against the perspective of Luke and Nicola having it, it's the internal fat phobia for me. Same thing for the group 'no chemistry' in the series. Anons wouldn't say all that shit about one sided crush from her, if she was indeed a woman with a skinny body, not a mid size one. The thing is she doesn't need it, cause she is ethereal and perfect in her way. She is a beautiful woman. She is gorgeous, while people project much of their own insecurities on her. Luke, though, is just the other typical male celebrity. If they'll ever jump on the train, it will certainly be him asking her out, not her following him. I don't see this woman in her golden retriever stage for anyone. She knows her worth and is sure to be aware of impulsive decisions of his.

OH CLOCK IT OMGGGGGGG. 193829293912% !!!!!!!!!!

I would like this post a hundred times if I could. I've been pretty much silent about the issue of fatphobia in the fandom because the arguments I've witnessed / been involved in on twitter ALWAYS get the same dead end responses - "not everything is fatphobia they just have no chemistry" / "you have to admit that Nicola isn't that attractive it has nothing to do with her weight".

It's LITERALLY fatphobia. Most of the times it's not even internalised - people are literally saying the quiet part out loud by insisting Nicola doesn't look good enough to warrant attraction from a "hot guy" like Luke.

LIKE BE SO FUCKING FR RN OMG ??? I've had to sit through people shipping SO many weird ass pairings that I personally felt were completely absurd - pairings that the mainstream audience ate up just because it was a skinny girl with a hot guy.

(Truth be told - and on a more relevant note - I literally felt like Phoebe and Regé had no chemistry. both of them were so absolutely compelling and gorgeous as individual characters but they didn't work together for me)

Isn't it strange how no one really said much about the previous two Bridgerton pairings where aesthetics were concerned... and were lauding the couples for all having such GREAT chemistry with one another ... but when it came to Luke and Nicola they were all suddenly so insistent that there was no chemistry at all and that their views are completely objective? Nah. Pack it the fuck up. All these people are fatphobic as hell.

What's made it worse is the bloody ozempic obsession that has swept over Hollywood in the past year. Suddenly celebs who used to advocate for body positivity are all skinny - doing a hypocritical 180 on the self love ethos they were preaching.

But anyway that's diving more into social commentary and I don't want to veer too far from the original content on this post.

So 100% yes - a HEFTY MAJORITY of polin antis and lukola antis are blatantly fatphobic. If you cannot imagine Luke Newton can EVER have feelings for Nicola but think him and A are obviously a great fit - you're fatphobic. You can pretend you're objective all you want ... but think about why you're so FUCKING QUICK to defend Antonia and say she'll be together with Luke forever / she's totally his type when 1) she's barely been in the spotlight - she's done no interviews or anything for y'all to even get enough of an idea of her personality to stan her or bat for her 2) y'all don't fucking KNOW his type you just assume it's skinny women because his celeb crush is dua lipa and everyone loves hot and skinny women right? newsflash guys my celeb crushes are Zac Efron and Mads Mikkelsen and HELL YEAH I'd fall over myself to date either of them... but in a fuck marry kill contest I'd still choose to marry Jack Black.

What you think is attractive as a fantasy is not always what you find attractive in a long term partner.

You're here on my page defending Antonia and insisting she's a better fit for Luke not because you know her, or like her, or even because you respect Luke. You're here on my page because you're using her as an excuse to come for Lukola. You're here on my page because you cannot imagine that a fat girl can be together with a "hot man."

Now check that.

[kira-fluff]

….. can you please do “sleep with no pants” for our birthday boy kita shinsuke??? …… and make it extra spicy?? 🥹

a/n: oh. my. god. YES. i could commit tax fraud and embezzlement if he asked me to. of course. yes. yes. also, I have high alcohol tolerance so I'm not really sure how much is too much...

drunken mistakes | kita shinsuke

pairing: kita shinsuke x reader yes, this is a continuation on "sleeping with no pants on" but I decided to make it longer/special for some reason. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KITA!!! tw: fem!reader, alcohol misusage (drunkness), swearing, mutual pining, grinding, nsfw, dom!reader, sub!kita pt 1 pt 2 pt 3

it was only supposed to be one drink. that's what you'd told yourself at the beginning of the night, but you would be lying if you said you stuck to what your convictions very often. for example, you told yourself not to fall for your best friend, kita. and yet here you are, drunk and in love. anyone looking at you around your friend's apartment could see the misery on your face. they turned to each other, speaking in low voices as if you couldn't notice because you were too far gone. well, you weren't. and you knew now that they knew you're downing your eleventh shot of casamigos because of something other than "for the vibes". honestly, your facial expression probably gave it away, too, with the lame, pouty lip and mopey eyes. the thoughts and conversations surrounding you only made you yearn for another glass of something to dim the sound of your increasing heartbeat. reaching for the bottle of tequila, your eyes met with the last person you ever hoped to see that night.

fuck, and why was he checking his phone like he'd received an invite? you swore in your muddled mind you'd wring the neck of whichever piece of shit thought it would be a good idea to invite your best friend despite all of them knowing (at least, now) that you are head over heels in love with him. you cursed as he took immediate notice of you. kita.

kita

to be quite honest, I don't care much for parties or really any celebration that involves an exuberant use of alcohol. ever since high school, in fact, I'd done my very best to avoid them rather than allow myself to get sucked into caring for vomiting, regretful teens (or adults, if we're speaking in the now). still, when I'd received a text saying that she was wasted and needed a ride who could take good care of her, I already was putting on my coat and shoes, as if I wasn't awoken to my phone vibrating numerous times at 2am. I can't help it. whenever it comes to her, there's nothing I wouldn't do to get a chance to even be around her. she's my best friend, so it's not like it's a mutual thing. just me being an idiot and getting sucked into those eyes of hers. the way she looks at me. the way she smiles. it were those thoughts and memories that had me sliding into my seat at 2:15 and on my way to one of her good friends' house. when I arrived at the address and walked through the entrance, my first instinct was the text once again to find where she was at that current moment. it was a need. I needed to know she was safe. that she wasn't crying or confused or sick. my skin prickled as I felt a pair of sharp eyes on me. I lifted up my head to see two languid pupils blinking slowly at me, lips downturned and mopey.

you blinked slowly up at him. "so," you hiccuped, "you're here kita." his brows furrowed at you. you grimaced. you knew he wasn't much for alcohol, but a more rebellious part of you thought he deserved to suck it because you didn't even want him here anyway. "mm...kita...." you trailed off, unsure where you were planning to take the start of your sentence. "mm?" kita replied quietly, patiently (like he always was). "'m startin' to think I'll die single." he let out a little scoff, "stop being silly. you're drunk. go to bed." you pouted, "but no one wants to go to bed with me." he flushed, thankfully it seemed you were too drunk to notice, and asked, "how many people have you been going around asking to sleep with?" you grinned at him, "just you." kita swallowed down the words does that mean you want to sleep with me? and instead opted for a choked "ok". you leaned closer. "hey kita...? since I'm drunk..." you ran a finger up his arm. he raised an eyebrow, waiting for you to go on. "since 'm drunk, I was wonderin' if you'd indulge me for a little while..." you said, the last syllables of your sentence coming out in a sigh. "what're you-" the next sound that came from kita's throat was a moan as you lifted your thighs up and placed their plush, softness on his hard, toned ones. you leaned in, whispering in his ear, "j-just.... for a while.... b-but stop me if..." you breathed many of your words in but fuck, he didn't want you to put an end to what he'd literally been dreaming of for so long. you then began your slow, languid pace of rolling your hips against his thighs. at this point, you weren't sure what was real and what was fake... but you knew you were dreaming. but there was no way in real life his thighs were that fucking hard. scratch that, you must be in heaven, because the little pants you're hearing from him are more than you could've ever asked for. his quiet "ah"s made your drunken rhythm turn faster, causing you to snap your hips and begin to roll them against his groin, eliciting a sharp groan from his mouth. "a-ahh... w-we sh-shouldn't..." you licked a stripe up the column of his neck, shutting him up. next, you made your way to the hem of your shirt, pulling at the fabric, all whilst rolling your hips against him. in a few seconds, all that was on was a shear bralette - lingerie, of course - and all that was below. kita took inhaled a sharp breath. he was already rock hard and he had no idea what he was supposed to do other than let you have your way with him. he swore he wouldn't do anything in return. you were drunk... but he couldn't bring himself to pull you off of him. he was enjoying it all too much. he blushed again, but this time in shame. he was disgusting, getting off on your drunken mistake. suddenly, you got off of him, leaving him in a strong feeling of want. he could still feel the ghost of your thighs on his legs. but then you reached for his arm lazily, dragging him over to a bedroom. you weren't sure whose it was, just that you wanted to have your way with your best friend, just for a little while, in this lovely dream. he was so compliant. his reactions were better than you hoped for, and you were living for it.

pushing him onto the bed, he let out a grunt of surprise. "you know... I go to sleep without my pants on every night... but tonight I just might not wear anything..." kita swallowed thickly, unable to stop himself from imagining your nude form in all its glory, riding his cock. he distantly wondered if you knew what you were doing. you had something in your eyes besides that heady lust and drunkenness that had him questioning something... that maybe, just for a second, there was something there like attraction... like love. slowly, you slid your panties down, exposing your naked cunt. kita took another sharp breath at the sight of you. then, you began to go at taking his own pants off. slowly, you rubbed your hands against his erection, eliciting a groan from him, and reached for his button. unclasping it, you moved onto his zipper, slowly - painfully - moving it down. when his cock sprung free, you gasped at its size. you were shocked that something so big and thick could be hiding in his pants that now seemed entirely in the way. so, you pulled them down, now angling yourself, your entrance and the head of his cock. you both let out a groan when you sunk yourself down onto him.

kita awoke to you in his arms, naked, and his dick pressed hard against your ass. guilt washed over him again, and he wondered whether he should take his chance to escape before you could wake up and yell at him. thankfully, nothing you did was something he'd forced upon you... he had merely let you do what you wanted to him. when you moaned his name last night he thought he might lose his mind. he leaned forward, careful not to stir you awake, and kissed the top of your head. maybe you would wake up, and instead of horror... just maybe, you'd blush.. and he could tell you how much he loved you, and not just because of what you did last night. it was wishful thinking, but maybe, just maybe, you felt the same way he did.

[nerdraging4point0]

The Scorpion and the Scales // Chapter Five // PolyAU

Tropes and Tags: MF, MFM, MFMM, instalove, too much sex, tattooed musicians, polyverse, friends to lovers.

Content warning: 18+ only MDNI, PinV, PinA, oral (f!recieveing, m!recieving), threesomes, light BDSM, voyeurism, exhibitionism, partner sharing, jealousy, angst.

This work below is fictionalized ideas and stories involving real people but does not directly reflect their thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. Please keep in mind that this is a work of fiction.

Active taglist: @ladyveronikawrites @tearfallpixie @beaker1636 @circle-with-me @synthetic-wasp-570 @itsjustemily @thesazzb @vinyardmauro @cookiesupplier @concreteemo @dominuslunae @mountains-to-move @sundamariis @caitcoreeeee @crimson-calligraphyx @letmeadoreyoux @starsomens @artificialbreezy @lma1986 @iknownothingpeople @lilrubles @shilohrosechicken @missduffsblog @jessicafg03 @thatchickwiththecamera @mysticdoodlez @chels3a-smile @sinkingteethinwhitenoise @deathblacksmoke @roley-poley-foley @ravieisunhinged @dethronetheveil @to-be-written @somewhere-diamond @somebodyels3 @sacredthefran @th0ughts-pr4yers @bloody-delusion-expert

The week with Noah had flown by in a blur of pier dates, shopping sprees, late night movies, and even later nights between the sheets. It felt like less than seven days. He'd asked if I could make it to the rock festival kicking off the fall tour next week. I'd nearly forgotten about it. I told him I wasn't sure about my work schedule, which wasn't a total lie.

Back at the office grind, the magical week with Noah seemed like a distant memory. I'd completely forgotten to check if I could get the time off for the festival. I was just clocking out for lunch when my phone buzzed with a new text. It was from Chris. He'd sent a screenshot of a ticket QR code for the festival. Underneath was a simple message that sent my anxiety spiraling:

See you there.

Oh god, this could be a disaster. I feel my heart start to race as I realize Noah and Chris will both be at the festival. How can I face them together? Noah will be crushed if he finds out Chris was the one I slept with right before we started dating. Am I even dating him? He never asked, just seemed implied. He'll think I'm just some groupie, trying to hook up with every metal singer I can.

My hands are shaking and my stomach is in knots.

I texted him back in a panic, scrambling to come up with an excuse to get out of going to the festival. I told him I wasn't sure I could afford the ticket now, what with everything else going on. It was a lame excuse, I know, but I was desperate.

"You're VIP, don't argue with me. I'll see you there," he wrote back firmly. He wasn't having any of my hedging. I could tell he really wanted me to be there, but I just couldn't do it.

The festival is tomorrow. How am I supposed to come clean before then? Is it even worth going at this point? I should just tell them now rather than drop this bomb when I see them there. My mind is spinning, trying to justify delaying this conversation.

I found myself wandering aimlessly down the street to the nearby park, escaping from my office for a few minutes. Sitting on the cool metal bench, I pulled up their numbers and started a group text. It's easier to explain things to both of them at once rather than dragging it out one-on-one. If I tried to type this all out twice, I know I wouldn't be able to do it.

"Boys," I began, my hands shaking, "I'm sorry I haven't been fully honest with you two. But to be fair, neither of you clearly defined what we were to each other. I don't know what it means that I've been with you both—are we just friends with benefits? Was I dating one of you? Both of you? I'm so confused. Before I see you at the festival tomorrow and this all blows up, we need to get this out in the open."

My heart pounds as I hit send on the nonsensical text. The minutes of my lunch break tick by, yet my phone remains silent. I stare at the screen, willing a response to appear. Nothing.

Now I'm back at my desk, panic swirling in my gut. What was I thinking, sending something so random? The silence is deafening.

I can barely focus, rereading our thread over and over. My pulse races and my throat tightens. What if I scared them away for good this time? Or made them think I'm unhinged?

Tapping away at my phone as we taxi down the runway, I feel a knot in my stomach when her name and an unknown number pops up on the screen. I don't recognize the number, but the area code says Los Angeles. Reading the cryptic words over and over, I realize I have no clue what to say. Glancing at Rick dozing peacefully in the seat beside me, I envy his relaxed flying mentality. Airplanes make me uneasy, though it's not really a fear thing. I just don't like the lack of control when we're thousands of feet in the air. Rick calls it my need for control.

The second we landed in Denver, my stomach twisted. My mind raced as we made our way through the terminal. Should I try to see her while we're here? Could I somehow explain everything face-to-face? That might be better than a text or call. Oh man, what would I even say? "Hey, remember that passionate night we shared? Well, I'm still crazy about you..." Yeah, no way. I'm in way over my head here.

My fingers fly across the keyboard, responding before my brain has time to catch up. "Whoa, wait, let's rewind. First things first - who else are we talking about here?"

It's barely past four, and I'm sure she's already off work - she always leaves early on Thursdays. I watch the three dots bouncing at the bottom of my screen, eyes glued, wondering how complicated this story she's typing could possibly be.

Her text pings through, and it takes me a solid minute to parse it all.

"Okay, Cliff Notes version: I met you both at your concerts. Noah - Chris and I hooked up after his show and have been flirty since. Chris - I visited Noah in LA and we obviously got physical, if you know what I mean."

I read her words again, slowly, trying to fit the pieces together in my head. I've never been great at puzzling things out on my own - I do better thinking out loud.

"Noah...concert...Los Angeles," I murmur, voice echoing my thoughts.

"What about Bad Omens?" Vin interjects, tuning into my words.

"Huh?" I reply, confused.

"Noah, LA, concert - Bad Omens, right?" As he says it, the lightbulb clicks on. Noah Sebastian. Noah Sebastian!

My fingers are flying across the keyboard again. “Noah, like Bad Omens, Noah Sebastian. That Noah?” 

The unknown number is responding. 

“Yeah, and who are you?” another three dots and he’s texting again. 

“Chris Cerulli.” I type out my name as if it matters. I never use my last name, but i’ve met Noah before, we sat next to each other in several interviews on shiprocked. 

“Motionless? Oh shit.” 

I'm at a loss for words. Bad Omens is set to play at the festival the day after tomorrow, so there's no question Noah's already here in Denver or he's about to fly in. I'm trying to compartmentalize the whirlwind in my mind, desperate to make some sense of it all. I've hooked up with girls without attachments or commitments before - I'm sure Noah's done the same. To be honest, I hadn't considered anything too serious between us. I was enjoying the casual vibe we had going on. But now, knowing she might be with someone else...could I really do that? Could Noah? I don't know.

I type away to the chat, taking a breath and holding it as I see my words plastered out to the void. “But you’re still coming to the festival, right?”

I slump down in this too-small chair at LAX, ball cap pulled low and sunglasses hiding my eyes. I'm trying to disappear - don't want anyone recognizing me. I'm also trying to hide the fact that I'm royally pissed off. Can't put my finger on who I'm mad at though. Her, for hooking up with him?  Myself, for just assuming we were exclusive without ever saying it outright? Both seem likely. I know I can't hold her past against her, but damn, running into her ex on set tomorrow is gonna sting like hell. This waiting around, with nowhere to put all this frustrated energy - it's killing me. I need to hit the gym or something, get this poison out of my system. 

They announce our flight is boarding, I rise from my seat and keep my eyes averted, anxiously spinning my phone between my hands before briefly presenting the digital boarding pass on the screen to the attendant. She offers me a polite smile, but I'm too preoccupied to return the gesture. When we locate our assigned seats, I take the window spot, absentmindedly watching the ground crew below load the luggage onto the rotating conveyor belt leading to the plane's cargo hold. I spot my battered old suitcase passing by, along with the band's instruments and the rest of our haphazardly packed carry-ons. We could have easily driven to our destination, but Matt insisted that flying would be faster.

As I sit here on this plane, my mind races with thoughts of her. How can I possibly end things when every fiber of my being screams to stay? We aren’'t exclusive, I could walk away without a glance back. But she's burrowed deep under my skin, and try as I might, I can't shake her. Never before have I wavered when it came to matters of the heart. Cross me and you're gone. Disappoint me and I won't think twice. I trust my gut and never look back. But she's different. With her, I'm plagued by indecision and self-doubt. I'm a Scorpio to the core - intense, all or nothing. Once I've crossed that bridge, I burn it down in flames. But with her, I find myself lingering on the edges, unable to take that final step. She's awakened something in me I don't recognize. A vulnerability I've never known. A connection I'm not ready to sever.

My phone is in airplane mode but I can't help staring at the texts on the screen, as if somehow they will change my mind or provide the answers I'm desperately seeking. I know it's fruitless, just words on a muted screen, but I read them over and over, having already committed every word to memory. With a sigh, I finally close out and sit back, trying in vain to relax in the cramped airline seat before I inevitably reopen our conversation.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Captain Manning," the pilot's voice stirs the sleepy passengers as we touch down in Denver. "On behalf of all our staff and United Airlines, we welcome you to Denver, Colorado." The cabin erupts in a shuffle of activity as passengers hastily gather their belongings, eager to deplane. I hesitantly switch off airplane mode and wait as my phone explodes with a barrage of emails and notifications before the message I've been anxiously anticipating finally comes through. My heart pounds as I open it, knowing those few words will determine my mood and mindset when I step off this plane into the next phase of my journey, for better or worse.

Motionless' text message lands in my inbox and I hesitate before opening it, wary that its contents might ignite an argument or stir unwelcome pity - both options I'd rather avoid. His text is brief and to the point: "Can you meet me at the Embassy tonight?" I glance across the aisle at Matt and Folio, already busily packing their bags, eager to exit the plane and head straight for our rooms at the Mariott.

I know I should wait until I'm settled at the hotel before responding, take time to think it over and discuss meeting up with Matt first. But instead, on impulse, I type back a quick "yes" before I can overthink or talk myself out of it.

Motionless and I have a complicated history of passion for our music and some unspoken rivalry between our fans, i’m not really sure where that rumor got started. While part of me wants to avoid potential conflict, another part is drawn like a moth to flame, curious to see what might transpire when we come together again. I click send on the text, sealing my fate. Now all that's left is to wait and wonder what the night will bring.

Stepping out of the shower, I'm barely dry before my phone pings. Noah's been radio silent all day while Chris has come out of left field and downright. Their thoughts have been impossible to read. My screen lights up with a text - they've agreed to meet at the Embassy downtown where Chris is staying.

I get dressed with a heavy heart, bracing myself for the inevitable end. This is it, I just know it. I'm not ready to say goodbye, but ripping off the bandaid is better than prolonging the pain. It's like being a kid dragged to the dentist for a tooth extraction before the promised ice cream cone after. You want the sweet reward, just not the agony that comes before it. Tonight it will all be over, and although my heart is not prepared, my head knows it's time to face the music.

I drive in silence, my nerves making the quiet even more deafening. Parking with the valet, I step inside the lavish hotel lobby on shaky legs. The elevators require a keycard for the upper floors, so I awkwardly text that I've arrived. Neither comes down to get me, instead sending a hotel employee to escort me up. The ride is excruciating - me avoiding eye contact while the man stands too close. I knock on their door, praying no one else is in the hall to witness my humiliation.

My heart pounds as Chris answers the door, his blonde hair cascading past his ears, dressed casually in a gray hoodie and adidas pants. I catch a glimpse of Noah sitting on the couch, elbows on knees, hands clasped together, staring at me intently. My stomach lurches and I want to bolt - I can't go through with this.

Chris gently grasps my arm just above the elbow, guiding me into the hotel room. He leads me to the end of the couch, sitting me down a few spaces from Noah. I can't bring myself to look at either of them, consumed by shame, the tension suffocating.

Chris moves the coffee table out a bit before perching on it directly in front of me, just an arm's length from Noah. We sit in excruciating silence before I finally blurt out, "There isn't much else to say."

“I think there is a lot to say,” Chris said “I mean i’ve been bouncing around with it a lot, i’m on the fence, but I am cool to keep things casual between us.” I blinked at Chris, trying to hide my disappointment as he rambled on with that wishy-washy response. His leg bounced nervously and he kept fidgeting with his hands, like he couldn't get comfortable saying it out loud. I knew he wasn't totally sold on the whole "casual" thing between us, but I wasn't about to beg him for more of a commitment.

My eyes slid over to Noah, who was intently focused on his own fingers as he twisted them around each other. "And you?" I asked hesitantly, bracing myself for a similar non-committal answer.

"Casual. Casual works," he mumbled, still not looking up. I wanted to scream in frustration. Chris could at least pretend to be enthusiastic about keeping things casual, but Noah sounded about as interested in me as a lump of clay. This whole conversation was not going how I had hoped at all. I shifted awkwardly, already planning my escape from this uncomfortable situation.

My blood boils as the words spew from my mouth. "Could someone please offer me something other than half-assed phrases they think I wanna hear?" Chris's mouth gapes open and closed like a fish out of water, unable to form a response. Noah slaps his knees and stands abruptly from the couch.

"We're both going on tour, that's two maybe three months we'll be busy traveling. Let's just text, keep in touch as friends. If we want a hookup we'll call," he says matter-of-factly.

I see red. "Do I get the same grace? If you want to fuck me, a phone call is all it takes? What about me, do I just have to call? I won't have this one-sided bullshit." My heart hammers in my chest as I stare them down, daring them to argue. The tension in the room is palpable and I'm ready to explode. 

My eyes darted between Chris and Noah as the tension in the room became palpable. Chris's calm demeanor never wavered as he promised, "Whatever you want, I'm there. Or I'll fly to you. The minute I know it won't work, I'll tell you - I'll be completely transparent."

I couldn't resist embracing him in gratitude, whispering a heartfelt "thank you" in his ear. As I stepped back, I noticed Noah staring at the floor, hands buried in his hoodie pockets. He slowly lifted his gaze to meet mine, jaw twitching, dark eyes peering at me through long lashes.

"And you?" I asked gently.

I hold my breath as he moves toward me, the room so quiet you could hear a pin drop. In an instant his hands are at my waist, yanking me against his hard body as his mouth claims mine in a searing kiss that steals my ability to think. I cling to him, my fingers tangling in his hair, kissing him back with everything I have. I want this man, all of him, and I desperately hope this isn't the end for us.

[ashleigh148]

TW: for passing remarks of - as Otto Mahler called it - "handing back my ticket".

Alrighty, my turn.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a musician. I know I'm not a very good one, but music has always been a part of me, no matter what.

Even when it's also been my greatest frustration.

I took classical piano lessons starting around 6 years old - something that was own a decision of my own, that my folks were willing to pay for. I sometimes wonder where that little girl's enthusiasm went as I got older.

However, by the time I was 15, I was harbouring some negativity regarding my own musical abilities. I felt that I was not talented in the slightest when comparing myself to other students. I didn't have the support I needed/wanted in order to be a musician. Learning the piano was fine, "but you can't make it a career", I was told. I had the "passion but not the discipline", I was told. "You're not working hard enough/being lazy", I was told. And here I thought, that I was trying my best.

Somewhere along the way, those outside words turned into a nasty voice in my head that almost seemed to enjoy torturing me.

When I was about 19/20, I flunked my Grade 8 twice. Boy, was it like a shot to the heart. I had still tried my best, practiced even while I cried. "Look it's fine, you can't make a living as a musician anyways, so it doesn't matter if you never finish it", I was told. That was when it started to get difficult to listen to classical music. I felt like such a disappointment for not being able to pass the damn exam. I ended up associating classical pieces to my piano-studying years, making it sting to listen to them. I focused a lot more on the other genres I had loved: hard rock and heavy metal.

I still loved music, but it was becoming a love-hate relationship to me. I still tried to perform live, I still tried to make music. However, it felt like every time I started to work on a performance or original song, that voice in my head would start up again, yelling at me that it was useless what I was trying to accomplish. It felt like everytime I tried to beat that voice, it would come back bigger and badder. That voice even started to attack my love for rock/metal music. There are other rock singers out there who spent more effort on their craft, "it's stupid to think you can reach even the foot of their level", said the voice.

I was in university when I first came across the boys' content; I remember there was a recorder involved (lol). It was the first time in a long time that I could listen to classical music and not feel like crap. They re-introduced Mendelssohn's Violin Concerto to me (I had first heard it at 16). Through their videos, I didn't feel like a disappointment. They were like two big brothers who said, "you're no disappointment, here's your classical music back". Their content made me realize that there were so many other musicians out there who felt what I felt; I was not alone.

I had a utterly horrible end of 2022; so much stuff rained down upon me. I had had dark thoughts creep into my head before, but this time, the darkness felt too heavy. I'd go to asleep, half-hoping I wouldn't wake up just so the pain would stop. Then, their 4 mil subscribers concert happened. Hearing that opening to Mendy's VC again - it threw a life raft to me. That piece made me stay and reminded me that life was still magical. Sure, those dark thoughts would pop up every now and then, but I tried my best to remember that I could always turn to the light of music.

I recently turned 28 (was surprised that I managed to avoid the 27 Club). 2024 was not a good year again. I think my last straw was when I had a shitty date with a musician who called me a disappointment due to my lack of a music education. I remember when I got home and opened up YouTube, one of their videos was at the front page, and so I ended up in a bingefest. I laughed, felt a little healed, and then I got to thinking: "Wait, what's stopping me from attempting Grade 8 again? From recording an album that I've dreamt about for years? It shouldn't even matter if I'm reaching my 30s, right?".

I ordered the necessary books, and the next thing I knew, I was being offered a new substitute teaching job - teaching music in 2025! Do I need more signs from the universe that music was truly a part of me??

Sure, just after that, The Great TwoSet Video Purge happened (lol), but my determination hasn't wavered. They still gave me the confidence I needed. Perhaps, I needed the wait this long before doing this because now was the right time.

The boys reminded me that music wasn't something you ran from, it was something you run to when things were getting black. I've learned that it's totally okay to be ordinary. As long as you had your musical passion, you should just fugue-ing go for it, and share what you got with the world.

So now, I'll work my fluffy brown ass off. I'll go practice!

Thanks a lot, lads. Whatever you move onto, you will be magical.

[tabr1-s]

sunday rant and personal frustrations with him that i begun to write at 6am running on an entire 3 and a half hours of sleep (my cats woke me up.....)

(tldr at the end. i might be as bad as Sunday in terms of yap mileage (yappage) but i'll do one better than him and provide you with the concise version if you scroll all the way down.)

i have never felt such intense emotions about a character's moral viewpoint... Ever. and i've liked characters that were mass murderers before. morals (or lack thereof) usually never played a significant role in whether i liked a character or not (unless they did something i considered worse than plain ol murder, then i wouldn't associate with them), and 99% of the time i could find the character's motivations understandable under the circumstances that they were in.

and, technically, i can understand where Sunday is coming from too.

but that doesn't stop me from being Absolutely pissed at him.

(sunday-esque yap about myself incoming, i will eventually get to the point (which i will highlight))

as someone who has been told that i have "ocd features" Multiple times by my psychiatrist (practically each session) i understand the need for control. my obsessiveness manifests in the form of feeling the need to control practically everything - my current obsession for control being my own emotions, which extends to needing to control entire situations, and in turn makes me severely overthink all the possible outcomes to those given situations. i've also been guilty of controlling others before, and having the mentality of "i know what's best for you". hell, i still feel like that a lot, but i really try to push it back.

and this need for "control" is mainly the reason why i even find comfort in fiction. because it's oftentimes very predictable to me (it also made me think of how i do not find any interest in reading books, but i love writing stories of my own. particularly fan-fiction. and the only time i can feel comfortable enough to feel romance is towards fictional characters - because i control the narrative! it's something to think about.). if i like a character or a narrative, it's easy for me to pick apart where the writers will go with that story. and, even if the story turns out to disappoint me/be different than what i hoped for, i would still be Prepared for that possibility.

i somehow... failed to prepare for what would happen with Sunday.

i had set my sights on the wrong thing for 2.2. i invested my whole energy on trying to comfort myself that hoyo wouldn't take the ipc colonialism route (basically turning out to be capitalist/colonialist apologists) with penacony (which i Guess will be explored in 2.3? but now that i have some more context on the story and how it's unraveling i'm not as anxious about it anymore), that i overlooked a lot of other things that could've gone wrong.

namely, my favourite hsr character to be... Like that. (i'm not even being intentionally vague. i'm just dumbfounded)

i had Heard of the theory that Sunday is possessed by Ena (which didn't particularly make sense to me, and i refused to look at leaks concerning Sunday lest they upset me. either way i Really hated that theory. plus, Sunday being said to have ocd would've been an incredibly cheap way to foreshadow that he's "possessed" by the Order. you can't just create your first(?) important/playable character that has a confirmed mental illness and then go "it's okay actually he's Normal! he was just possessed". i took this very personally. and still am.), and saw a lot of theories concerning his involvement with the Order as well. i shut it all out, because i didn't like the implications of that.

which in turn made me Not think/comfort myself regarding the possibilities that he truly Was connected to the Order.

...

well, rest in pieces, me - it's always the things i don't pay much attention to/ignore/fail to think about. which is actually a bit strange because i was not expecting him to be an entirely sane person from the start - he was a politician type, a leader, and a manipulator, to name a few things. that much was obvious. in 2.0-2.1 i wouldn't have been surprised if it turned out that he was the one that "killed" Robin. again, nothing was out of the question. but, 2.1 showed a different side of him. one that cared for his sister and (seemingly) listened to her and cared about what she thought. so they became quite a comforting little sibling duo to me. tragic, yet you could depend on their mutual trust in eachother... or so i thought.

and then he... went and did all That. which just showed me how, despite him caring for his sister, he was still putting other things above her.

to conclude with my yap: in a sense, he is just my "grim reflection of the self". and although i feel sympathetic towards my past self and how naive and selfish i used to be, there are some flaws of mine i will never forgive myself for. and, Sunday, in a way, reminded me of... Everything. it was almost triggering.

(hey, writing this all down in one place helped me calm down! (it's a neverending cycle that will continue tomorrow. all it will take is seeing a post concerning him and his sister and i'll get pissed anew) yay!)

the point(s) (aka my qualms):

- how sunday manipulated robin + was planning to use her in the charmony festival to complete his plan. she was going to be an unwilling participant in creating a "utopia" that she would've been absolutely against, but he didn't stop to fucking. fill her in, maybe? talk it out? the sheer disrespect on the concept of free will and on the fact that your own sister is a human being of her own sickens me

- he should've cherished the relationship he had with her (x1000 because that's the ONE FAMILY MEMBER YOU HAD LEFT AND THAT IS SUCH A PRIVILEGE!!! IMAGINE HAVING SOMEONE CARE ABOUT YOU WHOLEHEARTEDLY AND THEN YOU GO AND THROW IT AWAY!!! YEAH I'VE ALMOST DONE THE SAME EXACT THING MULTIPLE TIMES (AND STILL WOULD) BUT THAT'S WHY I ALSO KNOW HOW MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE MOVE IT IS!!!)

- he forsook his own self and shoved down his own biases and interests (fucking rat. you can't change the fact you're human and i'm very much saying that from experience) to become something Grander than life itself and in fucking turn isolated himself and shut out the one person who actually cared and then had the Gall to complain about being misunderstood/alone. (when you're finally sitting in your unreachable throne in this "dream" that you've created, who will you blame for being lonely? who will you blame when you have no one to fall back into? no one to support you? when everybody you did this for forsakes You?)

- HE DIDN'T EVEN HUG ROBIN BACK AT THE LAST SCENE. LIKE SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR FAILED PLANS AND COME DOWN FROM THE CLOUDS A LITTLE - THE JOY YOU SEEK FOR IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!

- all i hoped for was that sunday and robin would reunite and get the chance to be happy together, and the only true reason i'm mad is because i'm guilty of a lot of the same self sacrificial behaviours as him and very much understand the sentiment of "my loved ones would be better off without my negative presence and influence". but instead of empathizing with him, i feel betrayed. i thought he was better than me. i thought he was someone worthy of admiration, and that doesn't come easily from me. despite all the warning signs i fell for his obvious facade, and i Very rarely get taken by surprise - especially in a way like this.

- if it wasn't for the fact that Robin would feel sad if Sunday died i would personally go and strangle him myself

tldr; i'm just a big baby that placed a lot of faith on Sunday and his relationship with Robin post 2.1 and my ego took a Huge hit once he turned out to be just some immature emo idealist type. (come on, man - i genuinely thought you were better than me! someone worthy of respect! and i usually have a feeling of superiority over others! this was the biggest compliment/act of faith i could give! (talking to a wall (fictional character (I'M FUCKING UPSET))))

[theweebnextdoor]

Operation: S.E.C.R.E.T.S

Operation: S.E.C.R.E.T.S

Sector

Enlisting

Child

Recruit

Ensures

Trouble

Surfaces

A new girl claiming to be family shows up on the Uno's doorstep but not everything is as it seems as she trains to be an operative. Meanwhile, an adult with a connection to this child becomes involved in the DCFDTL's lives as trouble ensues.

Chapter 2: Construction Destruction

"I'm telling you, no one would read a comic if Numbuh 2 Guy was the name of the hero." Numbuh 4 told his friend as they got into a little disagreement over names if they were superheroes like in the comics they read. It just felt so generic and bland compared to his awesome name.

"Oh? And Crushzilla is all you can come up with?" Numbuh 2 argued back saying that combining being able to crush things and the name of an oversized dinosaur wasn't that much better.

"Shows what you know! I'll bet Robin thinks I have the cooler name! Don't I, Robin?"

Robin peered over her shoulder to give her attention to the two boys walking behind her. Instead of getting ice cream like Numbuh 5 suggested they hit up the candy store which everyone was all for. Robin twisted the plastic bag of her gummy bears closed to save the rest for later before slowing her pace till Numbuh 2 and Numbuh 4 caught up with her; walking on either side of her.

"I personally like them both. If they are the names you came up with then they must be unique to you in some way so I see nothing wrong with them." She spoke. "I was never good at coming up with superhero names myself. I would have kept it simple and used my name but that's kinda taken." She let out a light chuckle as she felt Numbuh 2 slide his arm around her shoulders.

"If you're Robin then all you need is someone to be your Batman. I'd be more than happy to fill in that position." He smirked. The real version might have been a male but Numbuh 2 thought the female heroes were just as good and should be issued more. "Do you read comics?"

"I've read some. I was able to get my hands on a newer Flyer Yipper comic that came out a few months back but I haven't been able to read the more recent ones. You wouldn't happen to know where I could get them, do you?"

Numbuh 2 was thrilled to hear that this girl read the same issue he did. He was more than happy to let her borrow his copies. "Please tell me you collect the Yipper cards too."

"Depends. Got any good ones worth trading?" She smirked.

This girl was officially awesome. Numbuh 5 chuckled as she and the others walked ahead of them.

"Well, so far we learned she's a bit of a nerd " She joked to Nigel who chewed on his chocolate bar.

Being a fan of Yipper was only one thing out of all the things he still had to learn about her. Listening to Robin chatting away with his teammates, Nigel could tell that they liked her already. It didn't take a whole lot to impress these guys. He recalled not long ago how they befriended Lasso Lass and she was an adult.

Kuki had been asking Robin if she wanted to see her room once they returned to the treehouse when Nigel's watch started beeping, alerting all their attention to him.

"Numbuh 1 reporting in. What's the issue?" He questioned, talking to someone on his video watch who alerted them that there was trouble with Mr. Wink and Mr. Fibb again down by the basketball court in the park.

Robin tried leaning over him a tad to see who was on the screen, but the call cut out after Nigel said that they would be right there. "You're going on a mission, aren't you?"

"Yeah! Finally some more action!" Numbuh 4 pounded his fist into his hand in excitement. After being forced to sit still in school for eleventy billion hours, he was itching to kick some adult butt.

Having to return to the treehouse so they could properly gear up, Nigel told his team to activate their J.E.T.A.B.O.O.T.S so they could move faster. Seeing how Robin was the only one without a pair, he held his hand out to her and told her she better hold on. She looked at his outstretched hand for a moment before smiling and grabbing on. This would be so much better than walking.

The small flight they took through the neighborhood as they passed different houses gave Robin a thrill but she was sure getting to see the treehouse up close and personal made her heart race even more. It looked a lot different from inside than when she first peered up at it from down below. It was kinda cool that the tree was a part of the house at the bottom too. She was busy checking out everything in the Vehicle Room as the others readied their weapons and turned as they all lined up to board one of their ships.

"I don't suppose I could tag along?"

"Well, of course, you can!" Kuki was quick to agree but Nigel held his hand out.

"No. This is Kids Next Door business only. Any kid not entitled to take on this mission should stay clear of the area. We shouldn't be gone too long."

Seeing Robin huffing, Numbuh 2 promised they would tell her all about it and would give her a proper tour of the treehouse when they got back. If she was going to be living in the Uno household, they'd love for her to be able to hang out with them too.

"Keep your word about those comics and you got it." She snapped her finger at him with a smirk before they boarded their S.C.A.M.P.E.R and took flight. Robin watched as they disappeared into the distance, turning on her heel and heading to the elevator. She wanted to explore all that she could of the treehouse but she supposed she could be patient for now. Besides, this would be a good time to message a friend of hers.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

All eyes were on her when she walked in. They would get random civilians trying to enter their coffee shop sometimes even though it was for villains only but something about the way this woman analyzed her surroundings before seating herself on a stool said that she knew what she was getting into by coming here.

"I'd like to fill out an application." She nodded to a worker who held up a pot of coffee, silently asking if she wanted some while she filled it out. Running her fingers through her long red hair, she looked at her reflection in a metal napkin holder making a note to reapply her lipstick afterward when she caught a glimpse of a few villains staring. Spinning around in the stool so she was facing them, the woman crossed one leg over the other before addressing a man who let out a puff from his cigar.

"Mr. Boss. Head CEO and winner of last year's Villain Choice Awards. Am I correct?"

So it seemed that this woman wasn't your average civilian after all.

"Who's asking?" He questioned as he leaned to the side a bit in the booth so another man. with large dental gear would have room to floss his teeth. What was there to floss though? All he had was one cup of coffee.

"Scarlett Weber is my full title." She answered, giving another look around the room. It wasn't a full house today but if she got the job she'd come across more villains. Maybe she could get them to give her more information on the Kids Next Door. "But Scar is my preferred name."

"You're not from around here, are you missy?" An elderly woman who had a cat-like appearance eyed the girl as she pet a white feline who slept soundly in her lap.

"Maybe not but I'm familiar with adults like yourselves and how you battle against children. Not usually on the front lines when dealing with them but I've played my part too."

Turning her head, she thanked the employee who brought her coffee and added one thing of creamer before holding up the paper to observe. Who would she be able to put down as a reference? Patricia Foster perhaps? A small smirk crossed her lips as she thought about how well she was able to trick those folks with just a wig and lousy pantsuit. Nothing against them but she much preferred her style of clothing. She turned back around so she could focus on the papers in front of her; not paying any attention to those around her or the sound of someone new stepping into the shop.

"Hey Mr. Boss, how are the kids doing?" She heard someone ask.

"They still have their bratty moments, but what can ya do?" Mr. Boss shrugged his shoulders. They may have been on opposite sides but they were still his kids so he'd put up with their antics at home as long as he could be rid of any other annoying brats. "Fanny has been begging me for one of those Rainbow Monkey CDs. Kids seem to think I'm made of money with all the crud they ask for."

The others murmured in agreement that kids usually did want the most ridiculous things.

"Hey, who's she?"

The man finally took notice of the new woman sitting close by. Even when facing the other way she was quite a looker.

"Someone new in town I guess," Knightbrace answered as he finished his flossing and put his stuff away. "Her name is Scarlett and she's had run-ins with operatives or has worked with someone who has. That's what I gathered."

Nodding, the man left the other adults to make himself comfortable in a seat next to the redhead. She barely gave him a side glance as he placed an order and nibbled on the end of his pipe for a moment before setting it down in front of him.

"So a villain like yourself is getting a job serving coffee for other villains? What's the story with that?" He asked, folding his arms on the long island table in front of them. "Assuming you're like us adults if you're aware of the bratty organization."

Lifting her head, Scar saw a man in a black silhouette cloak that covered his entire body and a pipe in the corner of his mouth. Somehow it still managed to show his facial expressions. She knew him to be Father. A very well-known villain in this town that she read an article on.

"Got to pay the rent somehow. My current boss is.. sort of away at the moment." She was able to make do with her last paycheck and what she had in her savings so far but it wasn't going to last much longer so she had to do what she could while staying in this town.

She had finished filling out the form and tossed the pen in front of her, taking a sip of her coffee. She might as well get a taste of their brand if she's going to be serving it. She had only taken her second sip when she felt the vibration from her communicator go off. Pulling it out, she flipped it open seeing she had a message.

[Today went well. I seem to be earning their trust and will find out all that I can soon. Let me know how your end goes. Oh, Mrs. Uno said we can make pizza bagels tonight! - Robin]

Giving a playful eye roll, Scar replied that she was doing well and for the child to stay safe while she was there. Robin might not have been her kid but she was still in charge of her while they issued out their plans.

"Not to intrude but is the Uno you're talking about related to a young Nigel Uno?"

Raising her brow, Scarlett turned her full attention to Father.

"You know him?"

"Know him? He's got to be the worst out of all the brats! I thought my children could take care of their leader for good but of course as always; they failed." He sighed and shook his head before adding his creamer.

"I'm sure they were doing their best but back to Nigel. Anything you can tell me about him?" Even if Robin was the one going undercover she had to do her part too. These villains had experience with these kids so the more they learned the better.

"Why don't you tell me the real story of why you're here and maybe I'll consider helping you out." Father was intrigued by this woman and if she and whoever this Robin was had bad intentions for the bald Brit, maybe they would be useful in taking down the rest of the Kids Next Door.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Sector V did not disappoint with the tour and neither did those pizza bagels. Being gone only an hour, Nigel and his friends had time to show her a good portion of the treehouse before having dinner together down in the house. It felt..kind of nice. She usually didn't have family dinners with friends like this. It had mainly just been her and her dad..

She wasn't here to stay. This would all be short-lived when things went back to the way they used to be. Just like how she would be a student at Gallagher Elementary for less than a semester if things played out right.

Robin sat in the principal's office the next day with Monty and Jen. They were helping to get her registered and said she should be able to start classes at the beginning of next week. While the adults were talking, Robin leaned back in her chair and played with strands of her hair, trying to see if a piece was long enough to go under her nose like a mustache but not quite so due to being chin length. She was leaning back far enough to see out in the hallway from her angle and noticed a few familiar faces trying to sneak by.

"May I use the bathroom?" She suddenly asked, sitting back up straight as three pairs of eyes turned to her. "Please?"

Nodding, the principal told her it was just down the hall to her left before continuing his conversation with the Uno Folks. Perfect. That's exactly the direction a certain Sector had gone.

Five pairs of heads peered around the corners. Numbuh 2, 3, and 4 on one side and Numbuh 1 and 5 on the other. Looking to see if anyone else was out in the halls during class like they were.

"It looks like the coast is clear for now but stay alert for any hall monitors that might be patrolling." Numbuh 1 told them as he began giving out orders. "Their construction will be starting any time now so Numbuh 3 and Numbuh 4 you distract and take care of the workers on the ground level while Numbuh 2 and Numbuh 5 take over their machines and disable them. Robin and I will find the one in charge and-"

"Robin?" He claimed in surprise now noticing how she was right next to him, observing the halls too.

"Heyo!" She saluted with two fingers and smiled at the team.

"What are you doing here?" Hoagie asked, knowing they had said bye to her this morning before heading out. Originally they had planned to skip school but then they received important information about some construction workers here that they had to put a stop to.

"Working on getting enrolled." She answered before turning to Nigel. "Your parents are here." She told him, pointing her thumb back behind her before leaning closer. "Now what is it that you and I are doing, hm?"

"Forget I said that." He could only hope that his parents wouldn't get caught up in the middle of anything. "We have something important to take care of. You just keep doing what you came here for."

"But the adults are talking about boring adult stuff." She gave a little whine. "This sounds like it would be much more interesting. At least tell me what's going on."

"The school hired some construction workers to bulldoze the playground so they can get rid of recess and force us to stay in class the entire school day with no breaks. It was said that they are going to rebuild something else in its place but we have yet to find out so we need to get our hands on any blueprints and have them destroyed." Abby explained knowing there was no harm in telling her. Word had started spreading of what was going down to other students anyways. She could imagine the panic they were feeling at the thought of not being able to play freely as kids should. They would make sure there was still recess no matter what.

"I'm all for a good education but that doesn't sound right. How can I help?" She offered. Next, you'll tell her that this school wants to take away lunch period too. She wouldn't put it past them.

Seeing how they had to get moving and Nigel didn't want to argue for her to stay behind he offered for her to look out and warn them if any more trouble was coming. Accepting the job, Robin followed the team outside where they went separate ways to cover more ground. Robin stayed close but made sure to stay hidden as well, peeking her head out from behind a slide as she observed.

Twirling around, Kuki giggled to get the attention of three men who were discussing which structure they should take down first. Noticing a little girl was dancing in the middle of their construction, they all tried to grab her but only succeeded in running into each other as she hopped on top of them when they tripped and fell to the ground. While she laughed at them, Kuki failed to notice the third one get up and creep up on her from behind. She yelped as he grabbed her arm tightly, demanding to know why she was out here disrupting their work.

"Ahem.."

Feeling a tap on his arm, he turned to see a blonde boy glaring up at him. Aiming his weapon which consisted of a boxing glove attached to it, Wally launched it forward right into his face, knocking the adult out and releasing his grip on Kuki. She smiled at the boy in thanks as she readied her weapon. With more adults running towards them she fired gumballs all over the ground causing them to lose their balance when they accidentally stepped on them. Anyone that did get by, Wally was ready to knock them out just like he did with the first guy.

"Doing good guys. Keep it up." Robin spoke to herself, hearing the machines start up, and could see Hoagie had got a hold of one as planned while Abby was still fighting someone who tried to prevent her from climbing into his bulldozer.

Looking around for Nigel, Robin found him jumping around high up on the jungle gym while shooting hot sauce at who she assumed was the boss with blueprints rolled up in his back pocket. Something didn't seem right though. Why would they keep the blueprints somewhere so easy to find and take? If Nigel was able to get close enough he could surely grab them so why be so careless around a kid?

Moving past the slide and swings, Robin eyed all around her to try and find something out of place. It seemed like Sector V had been taking care of all the workers. Almost all of them. Robin could see one man running across the kickball field with another set of blueprints gripped tightly in his hand. He was muttering about having to make the correct copies or else he will surely be fired.

"Hey, Numbuh 1!" Robin tried calling up to him to let him know what was going on, having reached the jungle gym but it seemed he was too preoccupied to hear her. The boss swung his hard hat at Nigel to try and knock him off balance but he missed and dropped it down below where Robin was.

Everyone had their hands full and didn't even notice the guy. Would they have been able to reach him in time even if they did? Someone had to do something and if she stopped him herself it might get Nigel to trust her more. She knew that he had his doubts about her and didn't blame him but she'd do what she could to change his mind. And that's how she found herself running across the field back toward the school.

"Where'd he go?" She thought to herself, glancing down both hallways once she came through the double doors. This would be so much easier if she already knew the layout of this school but since she didn't, Robin listened closely and was able to make out faint running footsteps from the right, going in that direction.

She eventually found him in a room hitting a copy machine with his fist and yelling at it as if it were a disobedient child. "Work darn you! Oh, maybe it needs more-!" He cried out and grabbed his wrist as he was suddenly kicked causing the plans to be released from his hand and into a little girl's.

"A new teacher's lounge?" Robin looked over what was going to be built in place of the school playground. Wasn't surprising that they wanted somewhere else to get away from the students but why did recess have to be the cost? "Meh, I don't think you'll be needing this anymore," Robin told him, as she began to tear the paper. If Nigel was trying to get the fake plans and this guy was sent in with the real ones it meant that they didn't have an extra copy yet and if she destroyed them now their construction would be ruined. Or at the very least put on hold.

"Hey, you can't do that!" Running forward, he tried to grab Robin and stop her from ripping it anymore only to run into the wall when she slid to the side and dropped his hard hat.

Robin climbed up on a desk and before she could reach for the top of the filing cabinet to get even more height, she was grabbed by the ankle and fell on her butt on top of the desk. She looked up to see the guy towering over her with an angry look on his face. Noticing something behind him, Robin got an idea but this guy would have to back off first.

"I'm giving you one more chance, kid! Give me back those plans!"

"But sir, how can you possibly get anything done with that headache of yours?" Robin faked concern as she put on the hard hat that she stole.

"What are you talking about? I don't have a-!"

Grabbing his shoulders to steady him and herself, Robin leaned her head back before slamming forward and headbutting him in the face with the helmet on. The impact left him completely dazed and he fell backward, seeing stars and birds spinning all around in a circle.

"You do now," Robin told him as she hopped back down and grabbed her head. "Ugh, and so do I."

Throwing the helmet to the side, Robin jumped over him and threw the blueprints into a paper shredder, completing her part of the mission. The machine nearly drowned out his cries that he was so fired but not quite as Robin sighed at the sad display.

"Robin!"

Looking up, Robin saw Kuki, Wally, Abby, and Hoagie peeking in from the doorway with hall monitors holding onto each of them. Wally struggled the most and threatened to pound the kid if he didn't release him.

"Guys!" Robin ran towards them. "How did things go on your end and where's Numbuh 1?"

"Well, we disabled their machines and gave them a good beating but Numbuh 1 said that the blueprints the main worker had were fake!" Hoagie explained with Kuki sending a glare in his direction. While he was driving he lost control when he was tackled by one of the men and the swings were accidentally destroyed in the process. Kuki wasn't too happy about it as they were her favorite.

"Numbuh 1 is searching for the real blueprints but other hall monitors are after him," Abby told her while putting her free hand on Kuki's shoulder to calm her, raising a brow at Robin. "And what are you doing here? Weren't you supposed to be on the lookout?"

"Oh, I had some business to take care of," Robin smirked and stepped to the side so they could see the shredded blue paper on the floor. "I don't think Numbuh 1 has to worry about those plans anymore."

"Alright!" Numbuh 2 cheered but was interrupted by one of the hall monitors.

"Yeah, yeah good for you. But that doesn't save you from getting detention for skipping class! Let's move it!"

The hall monitors began dragging them away and Robin thought she'd be able to meet back up with Monty and Jen in the principal's office but some girl grabbed ahold of her arm and began pulling her along with them.

"You're coming too!"

"But I don't even go to this school!" Robin argued and tried pulling away but was pushed forward and nearly fell on her face.

"You're going to be a new student though, right? Better to know what detention is like now if you're going to be another troublemaker."

"Detention can't be that bad, can it?" Robin turned to her new friends for an answer.

"Numbuh 5 guesses that you either never had detention or it was different in your last school."

Robin did have a detention or two in the past but Abby was right about it being different. What kind of school had a system built like a prison?! They were all thrown into separate cells within the same hall so they would still be able to communicate if they wanted.

"You'll be released at the end of the day! So until then keep it down! Maybe if you all behave we'll consider giving you some grub."

These guys were taking their job way too seriously. She was sure that Monty and Jen wouldn't be too happy to know she got detention before she even officially started school.

"Since we have some time to spare, want to play a round or two?" Robin heard Hoagie ask from the cell next to hers as he placed some cards down between them from outside their cells so they could both reach. Robin agreed with a chuckle as she pulled out her stack of cards from her pocket and told him she's been on a winning streak and wasn't prepared to lose now.

"Bring it!"

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

They weren't sure how much time passed precisely but it wasn't long before Nigel was brought in with two hall monitors dragging him from either side. Robin's cell was opened and he was thrown inside with a grunt.

"Numbuh 1, are you alright?" Robin went to kneel next to him but was grabbed once again.

"You're free to go for now but only because the principal wants to have a word with you!"

Oh, boy.

"You guys can explain all that happened to Numbuh 1, can't you?" Robin asked as they started leading her away. "Wait, my cards! Numbuh 2 grab my cards!" She yelled to him as they disappeared past the gate.

"Guess what, Numbuh 1! Robin helped complete the mission!" Kuki smiled as Wally agreed that thanks to her there wouldn't be any stupid teachers' lounge being built any time soon.

"That's nice but we might have another problem," Nigel said as he sat up. "Before they brought me in here I'm pretty sure I saw the Delightful Children From Down The Lane."

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

"Isn't the principal's office back that way?" Robin was still learning which way everything was but she was pretty sure it was in the opposite direction they were going.

"That was just a cover for those who requested to speak with you."

Before Robin could ask who they were talking about, they turned a corner and she looked up to see three boys in blue suits and two girls wearing white sailor dresses standing there waiting for her.

"Hello, Robin Hughes.."

-End Transmission-

Sunnie☀️: I'm actually thinking of including certain episodes in some chapters and seeing what it would be like if Robin was included in the fun. She does come in sometime after season 1 but I haven't figured out the exact timeline for what I have planned yet. If there is an episode you're interested in seeing I'll consider it but I think most would include the Delightfuls. They are my favorite villains in the show so I love every episode they are in. Though I do love the Toiletnator as well if we're talking adult villains. Who's your favorite villain?

[wandafiction]

Realisations - Just Us Chapter 71

Warnings: Angst, Hurt, Talks Of Abusive Relationship, Talks of Trauma

Word Count: 4328

Series List | Chapter 70 | Chapter 72

================================

(Wanda PoV)

I look at my phone screen at the last message Y/n sent this morning, curled up on the bed as my own mind attacks itself as I think over the past 24 hours. I could hardly sleep last night, the bed felt so empty and I didn't have her warmth to keep me warm. It was cold, more so than normal. 

My eyes aimlessly wander around the bedroom, it's very plain and minimalist which is a little odd as a lot of the house is decorated. I also can't see any pictures of Sarah or Evie like I had expected to, especially in Y/n's bedroom. Then it hits me.

I sit up in bed and take a proper look around, I'm not in Y/n's room. I'm in a guest bedroom. That night me and the  boys stayed last week, me and her slept in this room. Why would we sleep in the guest bedroom? The answer lingers in the back of my mind but the dark thoughts of my wandering mind snuff it out quickly.

She has had so much going on this past month and a half, from her panic attacks to Vision and Steph, then how the news of her being a widow came out. My heart drops at a thought that has been lingering in the back of my mind since I found out about Sarah.

Is she ready for a committed relationship? 

A committed relationship where there are two teenage boys involved? 

She's told me she loves me and them, but what about what I did yesterday. What if what I did causes her to tip over the edge and she pulls away. What if she comes back today to break up with me? It wasn't just a petty fight. I said things that I can't possibly take back even if I tried my hardest too. I hurt her so deeply she wouldn't even let me hold her when we got home. 

I don't know what changed. She was so snuggly when we were in the aquarium after we talked, we were both ready to finally be completely open with one another. Me more than I ever have in my entire life. I want to be able to give her what she wants, I want to be the person she sees me as and not who I've always known myself to be.

I can't lose her. 

But, if she needs space and time to be able to sort her mental health out. Do something for her own sake, instead of putting everyone else first. If she needs help finding the light at the end of what I can only imagine is a very dark tunnel. If she needs my help everyday, but cannot allow herself to be helped. If she wants me to take a step back, stop being so overbearing and clingy. 

Then I will give her all the space and time she needs. I will show her how badly she can treat herself by showing her that she deserves to be number 1 for once. I will carry the flashlight and help guide her through it. I will be there to support her even when she pushes me away. Then I can take a step back, allow her to get back on her feet. I can slow down, enjoy the moments I have with her and take great care of what life has given me. 

My two beautiful boys.

And her. 

But I broke her and I don't know if she will want me anymore. God my mind was all over the place yesterday, well the whole week. Why couldn't I have just talked to her, broken my resolve of having to push my feelings away. She wants to know what I'm feeling, she wants to help me fight through whatever I go through. Yet I just can't seem to let her break down the walls that I have spent so long building, no one but Pietro knew how and he is laying in a hospital bed with tubes and wires everywhere. 

She called me Wanda yesterday. It broke me, but it broke me more knowing that I was the cause of my own hurt. 

Pietro would have called me out on my shit my by, telling me everything I needed to hear and not what I wanted to be told. He never minced his words telling me straight to my face with no fear of hurting me, because in the end he was always right. I unlock my phone, taking one last look at mine and Y/n's last message where we said 'I love you'. I go into my contacts and call the only person I know that can help. 

Nat: Hey sis! Why aren't you at work? Are you sick? 

Me: Uh, no I'm not sick. 

I think she can hear the tremble in my voice as I try not to cry.

Nat: What happened?

Me: We had a fight.

Nat: Is she home with you now?

Me: No, she left last night. She said she has to do something. I don't know where she is.

Nat: She left you after you had a fight! Like left you to sleep in the bed alone and went home?

Me: It's okay Nat I…..

Nat: No it's not okay. She left you after you had a fight, without resolving the issue. She left you alone Wanda. I'm not standing for it.

Me: Nat it's my fault.

Nat: I don't care who's fault it was, you don't leave the person you love after a fight.

Me: Nat stop! She….I…it was all my fault and I won't be surprised if she doesn't come back.

Nat: Don't say that Wanda. She will come back to you. What happened?

Me: A lot. Too much to say over the phone.

Nat: Where are you?

Me: At Y/n's house. Why? 

Nat: I will be there as soon as I can.

Me: Nat I can't ask you to leave work.

Nat: You're not asking and it isn't up for debate. Send me the address and I will be there.

Me: Okay. I really screwed up Nat. 

My voice barely above a whisper but I know Nat heard it because she lets out a small breath before speaking.

Nat: We all screw up Wanda.

Me: I don't know how to fix it.

Nat: We will figure it out together. Now send me the address I will see you soon. 

Me: See you soon. Love you sis. 

Nat: I love you too sis.

As we hang up, I choke out a sob. I don't want her to pity me and take my side like she did on the phone. She may be my best friend, more like a sister, but I can't have her pitying me. I need her to call me out on my shit, tell me what I should do. 

Then there's Y/n who I am worrying about, she hasn't texted me since this morning and it's scaring me. I don't know if she's safe, I don't know that she is okay, I don't even know where she is. However, I can't bombarded her with calls and messages because that's wrong, and she needs the space.

I can't lose her.

What if I'm too late and she is already gone?

I shake the thoughts out of my mind, but they remain lingering at the back like a slow torment. A storm is brewing in the deepest parts of my mind and I don't know how to protect myself from it.

To stop myself from falling into the rabbit hole of what ifs I pull myself out of bed. The same bed I had woken up in this morning alone, before taking the boys to school. The same bed that just doesn't feel safe and comforting without her next to me.

I shuffle along the carpeted floor to the small wardrobe in the room hoping there is something of Y/n's in there. To my relief there is a hoodie of hers in there, the only reason I know it's hers is because it smells like her. I don't wait another minute before putting it on, pulling the strings in the hood tightly so it tightens against my face. I put my sweatpants on then I put some fuzzy socks on. I bury my hands in the big open pocket at the front of the hoodie before making my way downstairs.

I start to make myself a cup of tea, not really fancying anything with high levels of caffeine in it. As the kettle starts to boil the water, I am pulled away from my tea making preparations by the doorbell. I look at the time on my phone, only 30 minutes has passed since the phone call with Nat. Wow she must have rushed here.

I make my way out of the kitchen to the front door, looking through the peephole to make sure it is actually Natasha. I sigh as I lean my forehead against the door, she looks worried. And take a deep breath before opening the door giving her a small smile.

"Hey." I pull the door open further, sliding out of the way to allow Nat in. Once the door closes she pulls me into a hug, leaning up to whisper in my ear.

"You're okay." I know it was her trying to be reassuring and it really didn't help, I buried my head into her neck as I shake my head.

"No, no I'm not. Neither is she. I fucked up Nat. So fucking badly. I don't know how to fix it." 

"Let's make a drink and we can talk." I nod into her neck, letting go of my hold on her smiling when her hands move to wipe my tears. 

"The kettles should be done. What are you drinking?" I usher Nat to follow me into the kitchen, her eyes bulging when she sees how big it is.

"I will take a tea please." She spins a full circle on her heels to take the whole room in. "It's a beautiful place you've got yourself here."

"Uhm, it's not ours. We aren't living together. This is her place. Her and Sarah's place." 

"Well that's something." I hum not really hearing Nat's words but once they register I hand her her now made tea with a questioning look.

"I just mean, you must mean a lot to her if she trusts you enough to show you this place. It's a constant reminder of the life she had planned, yet she has let you in. Let you see it for what it is. It's intimate really, with it being so personal and special to her."

"I sleep in the guest bedroom." Nat raises an eyebrow at me, I'm not quite sure what look she is giving me is.

"What did you sleep in the guest bedroom last night?"

"And last week." 

"Did she sleep with you though? Last week I mean." 

"Yeah." 

"Well I would do the same." 

"Do the same? What do you mean?" I lean against the counter opposite Nat who is sitting at one of the island's many chairs. 

"So I've said that she trusts you enough to show her into their home. Correct?" 

"Yes." 

"But she won't let you sleep in the master bedroom. Correct?" 

"Also yes. Nat what are you trying to get at?"

"She's not ready." 

"Not ready for what?" 

"Come know Wanda. I can't tell you all the answers, this is something you need to figure out. I'm just here to push you in the right direction." She takes a sip of her drink before sighing and looking up with sad eyes. 

"She has let you into her home. Her and Sarah's home. Meaning at one point or the other her and Sarah lived here. Planned to have a family here together." 

"Yes I know that."

"Wanda your being stupid. Really think about it. Who would have slept in the master bedroom." My heart drops through my ass.

"Her and Sarah." My voice barely a whisper. This is not why I asked Nat to come over, but I'm starting to see some things about me that I'm not liking.

"Exactly. Her and Sarah. Her and her wife. She isn't ready to have someone else in that bed. Let alone someone who I think she feels is replacing Sarah."

"I don't want to replace Sarah. I could never be Sarah." 

"Have you told her that?"

"I've told her she can talk about Sarah and Evie whenever she wants, that I'm always there for her." 

"Wanda you're not getting it." 

"Well you are not making any sense!" I slam my hand against the counter, frustrated more at myself for not being able to see what's right in front of me.

"Have you told her that you know you could never replace Sarah? That you don't want to replace Sarah! Have you asked her how she feels about you being in their home?" 

"No." I look down into my cup and my half drunk tea as I bite at my lip. 

"Wanda I know that you struggle with feelings. I know you struggle to have those big conversations. I know you struggle with what to say sometimes not wanting to hurt yourself, or anyone else in the process. But Y/n is different. She has been through so much in such a short amount of time. Her life went from one hell to another and another over and over again." 

I bite my lip trying to get the tears to stop falling as I listen to Nat. 

"She may not admit it Wanda, and maybe you just don't want to see it. But she is so much more broken then any of you would like to admit to the other. It's not just about the panic attacks, the PTSD or the dead wife Wanda. It's about everything that happened before, during and after that. She may say she is fine, but Wanda, she is struggling so much." 

"How could I not see it?"

"Because she didn't want you to, and you wanted to avoid having to talk. Really talk. You have both gone through your fair share of trauma, her more so than you but it does not invalidate that you went through shit to. Your shit has affected you in ways that cause you to build wall after wall that get harder to break down each time. Your trauma Wanda, is something that is holding you back from who you want to be when you're with her." 

"I don't want us to end."

"Then don't let it. She doesn't want it to end either I'm sure of it. You both have very different ways of dealing with things. But you need to put everything on the table, you need to make the first move. You may trust each other but until you both talk about how you move forward. Well then there is no safety net around you, trust without safety is like bungee jumping with a bit of string and hoping that it doesn't snap. You have to be ready to sacrifice a few of your walls, allow her to knock them down for you to be mentally in the right place to be in a relationship."

"You don't think I'm ready for something new? Nat we have been together nearly two months, we have said we love you to one another."

"Did you mean it when you said it? Or was it an in the moment thing that you let slip?" 

"Of course I mean it. I mean it every time I say it. I want her to know how much I love her everyday." I don't hesitate to argue back.

"Good because if she loves you the way I think she does, it would break her to know you don't mean your words. Saying that, if your love matches hers then you will be able to get through this. Together. You need each other to help you through. You need to look after each while also looking after yourself. Have you been to therapy recently?" 

"No, not for a few months."

"Well that's where you need to start. You need to speak to someone who is impartial to the situation, help them untangle the mess of wires in your brain that have been tangled for so long. You can't rely on just one person to do that for you. Y/n isn't a trained professional, she struggles to get her own brain to switch off let alone switch it off long enough to help switch yours off." 

"She always seemed so at ease and she talks to me so easily. I don't know why I can't do the same."

"She wears a mask Wanda, her smiles are fake, her laughter is not filled with joy as it should be." I bow my head realising now just how much I don't see. "But when she is with you it is all genuine. Wanda you are good for her just as she is good for you. Fight for her, but don't push her."

"Why can't I just open up. Talk to her. It would have made everything so much easier on the both of us."

"Wanda, she may wear a mask, hide how she is feeling. But you have built so many walls in the years of being with Vision that I think you don't even know how to start breaking them down yourself. That's why you need to go back to therapy, you need to be able to regain control of your mind before you commit yourself to helping Y/n. And she needs to do the same. And as for speaking with Y/n, start with small things. It doesn't have to be anything big. Her aim and my aim, our priority is making sure you are comfortable with who you are in your own skin. So start with the small things. Talk about how Vision always got you to do things you didn't want to do using the 'your my wife' card. Or how you are scared of bees yet they fascinate you so much you grow flowers just to see them pollinate." 

"Start with the small things?" 

"Exactly."

"How am I meant to start with the small things when we have so much to talk about today?" 

"Wanda, what did you actually say to her yesterday?" I stay quiet, shaking my head, fiddling with my rings. "Wanda."

"Yeah?"

"What exactly did you say to Y/n that caused her to spend the night elsewhere?" 

"I said she didn't know what it was like to be a mother." 

"Wanda." My stomach drops when I hear and see the disappointment on Nat's face.

"I know okay. It was a disgusting thing to say. And I can't take it back because I've said it now."

"Why did you say it?" Nat's tone is scarily calm, it's making me uncomfortable.

"I don't know."

"Well you must have some sort of idea otherwise you wouldn't have said it." 

"I said I don't know, okay! I have no fucking clue! I have never even thought those words would ever leave my lips, I have never even thought about them. So I don't know why I would!" 

"Well I don't know how to help you with this one if you want even admit it to yourself."

"Admit what?"

"I don't know because you won't tell me."

"Because I don't know myself Natasha! It's all so fucked up in here that I can't possibly think for long enough to try and get to the bottom of it."

"Well you need to figure it out because the excuse 'I don't know' doesn't fly with me and I'm pretty sure it won't fly with Y/n either. She has been nothing but kind, caring and welcoming to you and those boys, and you have practically chucked it in her face. You forgot about her past Wanda. It may have been for a split second, but you forgot and you said those words. I don't know how you will fix this if you can't admit to yourself why you said it. It's unforgivable Wanda."

"I know that. She hasn't forgiven me, in fact I don't want her to forgive me. I don't forgive me." 

"You don't want her to forgive you. Or is that you don't want to have to open up so it's easier to let her hold this against you then letting her break down your walls." 

"I…"

"Let me guess. I don't know." 

"Look, it's difficult for me, okay! Vision was never there. My parents moved away as soon as me and Pietro started our lives at university. Pietro is currently in a fucking coma, and Vision wasn't there for me! He never was! He never cared for me, he never looked after me when I was sick, never took me on dates! He never loved me the way I loved him, I was just a housewife in his eyes! So I stopped caring too! I built up my walls then reinforced them because I had no one! No one! Then I get into this new thing with the most amazingly talented and funny girl I've ever met and he thinks he has a say in my life! He told me he would take the boys away from me if I stayed in such a sinful relationship, he threatened not only me and Y/n. He threatened his own sons! He told me he would take me to court to get them taken away from me, pleading the fact that having two women bring up boys is not right and is not stable for them because they will grow up to be feminine! I...he...he planted the seed." 

I finally come to the realisation. 

I take in a sharp breath taking a step back as I crumble to the cold tiled floor, sliding myself down the counter. I pull my knees to my chest as I breakdown in front of Nat, my sobs echoing around the room as I try to control them to no avail. I hear the stool screech against the floor before seeing Nat join me on the floor as she wraps her arms around my body pulling me against her chest. 

"I've got you. You're okay Wanda, I have you." I grip onto her shirt, my knuckles turning white with the force. "That's what you have to explain to her, okay."

"Hmm?"

"Tell her what you just told me. She will understand Wanda, I know you're scared of allowing yourself to open up. But your relationship will burn to the ground if you're not open and honest with her about these things. So tell her what you just told me, okay?" 

"Okay." I mumble into her shirt as I try to slow down my breathing. 

"Now I'm mad at you for hurting her, I'm mad at her for leaving you last night but I think we both understand why. But I am livid at Vision, he is still causing you harm even after two years apart. You need to find a way to regain control of your life, don't let his words play on your mind for so long. You need to break down those walls you've built but build a protective barrier to protect yourself from Vision. He is a manipulative fucker who, if he steps out of line one more time, is going to have to deal with an angry Russian." 

"I need to talk to Y/n."

"You do. Where is she right now?" I shrug. "You don't know?"

"No. She still hasn't texted me. I'm worried Nat, what if something happened." 

"I'm sure she is fine Wanda."

"How can you know?"

"Because I have seen how much she loves you and love like that you don't let go. She will always find her way back to you."

"Thank you Nat."

"What for?"

"Being the voice of reason and actually calling me out for my shit. No one has done it since Pietro, so I always just shrugged it off and pretended like it didn't exist." 

"I will always call you out on your shit for however long you need me to. I am friends with both you and Y/n, you are a sister to me Wanda. I don't want either of you to get hurt, so if it means having a go at you or her then I will do so happily. Just don't bombarded her when she comes in, I think it's a tough day for her."

"What do you mean?" 

"Uh, nothing." She tries to brush it off by standing up and preparing to make a new set of drinks, but I'm quick to my feet as I look at her.

"No Nat, what do you know that I don't?" She huffs out a breath and bows her head.

"Do you remember the first time me and the girls met Y/n?"

"Of course I do."

"Do you remember me saying I recognised her from somewhere?" 

"Yeah she suggested that it was where she would visit Stark Tower but you said it was something else."

"Well I know where I've seen her before."

"Where?"

"It was an article back in 2017. It was titled. Sarah Stark marries a mystery woman. And there was a paparazzi photo of a brunette in a wedding dress leaving a venue with her arm wrapped through Y/n's arm." 

"Okay, why is that important?" I ask, highly confused about where this is going.

"Because the date of the wedding was the 18th of October 2017."

"What's the date today?" My bottom lip quivering when, not wanting to believe I hurt her at the worst possible I could have ever possibly done.

"It's the 18th."

"It's their anniversary?"

================================

[dropintomanga]

My Mother Saved Me

I got to spend some time with my mother yesterday for an early Mother's Day celebration in New York City. Before then, I was in deep thought about something that happened to me about 23 years ago. It's something I haven't really talked about and it involved my mom to a huge degree.

I was once hospitalized because of my mental health issues and if it weren't for my mom, I think my life would not be where it is right now for the better.

When I first got my diagnosis of clinical depression at the age of 17-18, I leaned into a bit too hard. Or more like I wanted to not do anything at all. One time at the first university I went to, I talked to a counselor and told them I heard voices. I mention this right now because now that I think about it, I don't think I was really hearing them. I think it was just thoughts instead of voices.

But I leaned into the "hearing voices" motif a bit too hard. In 2001, a year after my diagnosis, I tried switching colleges and still felt out of it. I felt so depressed that I decided to get voluntarily hospitalized. I don't know why I did it, but I was so worried I would kill myself. So off I went into a hospital. There I was surrounded by people much worse than me mentally. It also led to a pseudo-revelation - I don't think I really had it that bad because I was actually optimistic during my time. I eventually was discharged after about a week as my mom fought to get me out with determination.

I thanked my mom yesterday for what she did in 2001. But the story didn't end there. I found out that my mom fought hard because she personally saw what the hospital unit I was staying with was like. She saw the number of people with SMI (serious mental illness) and felt that I really shouldn't be there. My mom told me she was horrified. She even told me that the doctors above were saying I was writing stuff that I wanted to kill/hurt others when that wasn't true. My mom never believed what they said. She was worried that doctors would drug me and force me into bad treatment solutions. She said she signed a release form saying she would take full responsibility for me if things went south (spoiler alert: they didn't, even though I did have a close call).

As some of you who follow this blog know, I've been more critical about what constitutes as mental health care. I've been listening to perspectives from people with mental health conditions who get hospitalized and end up worse after. People who are supposed to help didn't/couldn't do their jobs. We got a hotline number, great. But a lot of people don't know the full truth about how broken the mental health system really is behind closed doors.

And I think about the statement "It's okay to not be okay." I dislike that statement because if that were the case, then we wouldn't be throwing a lot of the mentally ill into jails, prisons, and/or the streets. Certain mental issues (bipolar disorder/schizophrenia/psychosis/etc.) sadly are ignored.

I could have been one of those people if it weren't for my mom. I know I stressed her a lot and feel like I haven't done enough. But she has seen how much I've grown mentally over the last few years. I strongly have been questioning my own response to my circumstances decades ago as a mental illness. I don't want to pretend that ignoring trauma/vulnerability/dependency is going to make me stronger. My mom has noticed this.

I have a lot of empathy and good amount of compassion from my experiences, but I believe some of it came from my mother. I noticed how many friends she has and how she's helped various people over the years.

I know some of you have all kinds of thoughts about Mother's Day, but for me, I'm lucky to have the mother that I have. Someone who allowed me to be myself, stuck with me through my bullshit, and saved a naive version of me who didn't know that they needed to be saved.

I hope you all have someone like that in your life because even as we get older and wiser (I'll use recent events of My Hero Academia as an example), we're still all children deep inside who need maternal love of some kind to truly make us flourish. Mothers are the real heroes we truly need.