#I think my new meds = I'm slow at getting things done right now. Don't worry! Still updating my fics and more gifs coming soon :)

[toointojoelmiller]

Happy New Year 💙

Joel Miller's unreasonably attractive hands ™️ pt 1

[fromabasementonthehilll]

My Girlfriend Is a Witch (pt.1)

͙⁺･༓☾ - Summary: after finding the cabin, lottie ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‎‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎‏‏‎‏‏‎ ‏‏‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎had begun acting weirder than usual.

Pairing: lottie matthews x fem!reader

Warnings: ...

Pt.2

a/n: thinking of making this into 2 or 3 parts?? this is more of a build up so I'm sorry if it's a bit slow!

∘₊✧────────────────────✧₊∘

It had been a week, maybe more, after the crash. You counted the days - believing it wasn't long until you would all be found and saved. Everyone followed the same belief, but it slowly began to lose its appeal as the days got longer and there was no promise of rescue, and you had lost track anyway.

Misty had treated you alongside everyone else, she wrapped your gashed shoulder up with a bandage out of some emergency aid kit in the planes cabinet, which you had been unwrapping everyday to keep clean. It was fine at first, but the shortages of antibiotics and extra bandages had it healing much slower than it should've, it hurt like a bitch and you were putting up the best 'tough' act you could to avoid adding anymore stress to the situation.

You sat outside of the cabin on a broken log, setting up fire to cook dinner, faintly smelling the herbs in the air that Mari managed to find whilst the others were either doing laundry or getting water from the nearby lake. Lottie hadn't been doing much, though. Her mind was in a different place ever since the crash, you noticed as she began to act differently recently, but you thought nothing of it - everyone else had been stressed, unorganised and tired, so why would it be out of the ordinary for Lottie to feel the same?

You and Lottie began dating a month before the flight, she had confessed to you one day after practice - you watched panic on her face as she barely managed to get her words out, before you laughed in reassurance and told her you felt the same way. Neither of you had told anyone about your relationship and wanted to keep it that way - it wouldn't benefit you or her.

"Hey, you okay?" she came up to you, sitting on the log opposite of the one you sat on, her expression ardent each time she saw you.

"Yeah, is Shauna done with the meat yet?" You asked, feeling hunger eat away at your stomach. "No I don't think so, she's trying to get Jackie to do something," she explained, "I'm sure she'll be done by the time you set up the fire, though." you nodded, giving up on rubbing sticks for the time being. "You look real good for someone who's stranded in the wilderness, y'know" she laughed, watching you trying to rub off the ash from last nights fire, "Shut up, Lottie" you teased with the same toothy smile she loved.

It took you a while to get used to the new situation, though more often than not you were helping around with things. In around 5th grade your parents thought it was a good idea to get you into girl scouts, you partially hated them for it - the uniform sucked and you'd always be covered in dirt. You had been mentally reciting the folklore stories told by the counsellors; as the wilderness caved in some of your old memories, often wondering if they had any truth to them. You stayed there until you turned 14, learning a bunch of survival skills that you brushed off as stupid, it was ironic how useful they were now.

"Lot, how are you?" You hadn't asked that in ages, too preoccupied with surviving, just as everyone else had been. Lottie's breath hitched, knowing she wasn't fine at all, considering her meds ran out. "I'm fine, I just missed you (y/n)." She smiled sheepishly, suppressing the doubt she had in her own words. She truly did miss you, the distance that brewed between you two wasn't as bad as it could've been, but she needed you the most right now.

You could sense her unease, standing up to sit next to her, "You can talk to me, you know that right?" You moved your hand towards hers, smiling warmly as you looked at each other. her eyes were filled with anguish, her jaw clenching before she spoke,

"Promise you won't think I'm weird?"

"I promise."

You leaned towards her, watching as she tucked her hair behind her ear before letting loose of her worry, "I've had these strange visions," Her gaze was diverted to the floor, "and I've been hearing things." she shook her head in disbelief, almost shocked; confused. "What kind of visions?" You kept your eyes on her, not thinking any less of her. "I don't know, it's like I can see what happens before it happens." She gave you a sorry look, you opened your mouth to speak before being interrupted by Shauna, "Here." Jackie stood behind her as Shauna handed you the meat, looking at it in complete disgust.

Lottie wasn't given the opportunity to offer you an explanation, but it made sense to you, considering her strange act for the past week.

-

The night grew colder than the last, you had been sleeping in the attic with lottie for the past few days to prove it wasn't haunted, and you struggled to keep heat upstairs. "Just sleep here, near the fire." Shauna stated after you had tried to haggle for more blankets, you refused, though, wanting to spend more time with Lottie and keep an eye on her after she had opened up to you. "well feel free to come downstairs, there's always room." she finished, laying down the pillows.

You climbed the ladder to see lottie already there, facing the window - illuminated by the moon and stars. sitting behind her, you spoke, "Another vision?" It was a couple days after she had spoken to you about them, and she told you what she could. They weren't too frequent, but when they happened you'd stay close to her.

"I heard a baby crying this time, it went on and off for a while, but I cant figure it out." Her words were cold and hurt. You were the only one who knew about her newfound state, since you swore not to tell anybody to avoid Lottie seeming crazy to the others, and that's why you tried your best to understand, to help her. but often your help was useless, you figured it might've just been a trauma response to the crash, and you stuck around. You wrapped your arms around her shoulders, hugging her from behind, bringing your body close to hers and resting your head on the back of her neck.

"Things'll gonna be okay, Lottie." Your voice was warming, bringing slight comfort to her discomfort.

You two sat there for a while, your eyes resting as she gazed at the night sky, before she turned to face you. "What if they won't be?" She bit her lip, making constant eye contact with you. She'd wear your jewellery often, you assumed it just got lost in the crash until you noticed, but she just wanted you close to her when you weren't around, and talking to each other for more than a minute was rare lately, so she had resorted to constant distress and longing.

She couldn't risk hurting you as a result of her own disturbance, just like she had before, and she subconsciously needed your reassurance that things wouldn't go that way.

"Why would you think that?" You shook your head, seeing Lottie avert her gaze to your shoulder, "Because things haven't been in our favour for a while." Her feelings were daunting to figure out, you looked up at her with sad yet hopeful eyes. "Stressing about it isn't gonna make it any better, Lot." You chuckled lightly, sensing tension brewing and wanting to avoid her mind going back into the dark place it would often wander to. She smiled in return, her eyes softening at your remark. "Hey do you remember when we would go on those road trips? you'd be so tired driving, I'd have to remind you not to crash into a tree" Lottie spoke, you saw her jaw soften and heard her laugh filling the wooden room, "And you would play shitty music just to rile me up," You added, "What?? I played it because I liked those songs (y/n), don't judge me,"

You two would often drive to seattle in your old beaten up sedan to visit your family, though you'd always make sure to turn it into a full blown camping roadtrip each time - since Washington was on the complete opposite side of New Jersey.

"You think we can go again after we're back home?" It didn't even cross your mind that Lottie thought there was chance of rescue, you were taken aback for a moment. When Lottie was with you something would alter inside of her, as if everything negative she ever believed had dissipated, you gave her hope.

"We'll go wherever you want."

She smiled a moment before her eyes looked up to yours and then down to your lips - then back to your eyes again, she kissed you and you could've sworn you felt religion in her lips; how they caressed yours with trails of grace.

-

"Are you fucking kidding me lottie?? what's gotten into you?" A riled up voice spat under lottie who had just stood there. "Nat, calm down." Shauna intervened, you walked out of the cabin, rubbing your puffy eyes as they adjusted to the light, woken by the voices after the best sleep you'd had in a while. "What's going on?" You looked towards Nat and Lottie.

"Lottie's acting like she's in The Craft or something, sort her out before she casts a spell on one of us." Natalie faced you with annoyance, your bottom lip slightly hung out - still half asleep. Everyone knew something was up with Lottie after she bashed her head into the window, it wasn't that much of a secret after all. Most were worried and you could tell, and so Natalie's reaction had you confused, you looked around to see everyone waiting for your response.

"She's been through a lot, like the rest of us. just leave her alone, Nat." You sighed, everyone went back inside - Natalie flailing her arms as you gestured for Lottie to follow you somewhere deeper into the forest. "What happened? are you okay?" You stopped amongst the woods, "Yeah, fine." she looked distressed and distant, crossing her arms, "Just ignore her, she didn't mean it," Lottie cut you off as her rushing thoughts came out,

"But what if she's right? what if I really am going crazy?"

"You're not crazy Lottie, you're just as fucked as the rest of us, nothing more." Your reassurance seemed to get through to her, your words meant the world to her and you knew it.

"You don't think there's something wrong with me?" Her face was almost pale, skin rough and almost loving eyes.

"Oh my god, of course not," you faltered into a feathery smile, "You're perfect, Lottie." You watched as her face began to regain her warm colour, softening at your words. Sometimes it felt like the world stopped around you when you were near her, you would've done anything - just to see her okay again, and she would've done anything to see you carefree and happy, just like you used to be.

She looked to the ground, laughing in relief while small tears left her eyes. "And I'm the sappy one?"

"Yeah okay, I'm not the one who wrote a love letter as an apology," She slapped your shoulder and you kept giggling like a maniac, before you were stopped dead in your tracks by Misty carrying an empty water bucket, "Are you two planning on helping?" One hand on her hip and the other holding out the bucket, "It's unfair to think you're exempt from helping when we should all be-"

"Jeez okay we'll fill it up." Lottie suppressed her laughter the best she could, running to take the bucket from an impatient Misty.

After getting back to the cabin, you settled on the living room floor with a blanket and a book. You never read books much before, however somehow it had become a routine by now.

"What're you reading?" Lottie asked, sliding down next to you.

"To the Lighthouse, Virgina Woolf. I found it in one of the drawers in the attic."

"Any good?" You never took Lottie as a reader, her interests only really came to surface when you would talk about yours, "I'll finish it and let you know." You looked at her with a smile, closing the book and resting it to the side for the time being.

-

Your mouth was filled with sickening sweetness as you chewed on the last of your food, which just happened to be the gummies your mom packed you 'for the road'.

There was no food left, and your hunger began to yearn for something else - someone else.

And her winter was cursed with your bewitchment,

the loving haze which she had caused upon you herself.

[serahlink]

🚨 EMERGENCY COMMISSIONS OPEN🚨 tw // homeless / some med talk but not much

Reblogs are greatly appreciated!!

Making a new post to hopefully get some work for my family and I so we have somewhere to stay for tonight, since work has been very slow lately. I'm Link, and I'm a 22-year old artist, and my family and I (me + my father and younger sibling) have been homeless since November 2021. It's a long story. TL;DR version is at the same time, while I was living with a friend and my dad + younger sibling was on the road (he drove a van at the time) he had gotten into a diabetic coma and was fired by his job. Being fired meant he or my sibling didn't exactly have a home to go back to, as our relatives on both sides refused to help. At the same time, I was going to have to find someplace else since my friends grandmother was entering the late stages of her life and they had to transfer her to the nursery, meaning there was a lot of things his family had to take care of and I couldn't be there. They allowed my father, sibling and I to stay there for two weeks to give us time to find someplace else.

While I was there, I'd been doing commissions to help their family out with food, and since it was either the streets or living under a roof; I told my friend to take us to a nearby motel since we had enough for a day, and we could figure things out from there. So since then, I've been keeping us here by doing commissions ever since. Either of us haven't been able to obtain a job yet due to how hard it is for us to get our documents to get an id (we dont have a car at the moment, and saving money for the room and food is already tough as is), but recently we think we might be able to get my father's ID so he can work, were waiting on his lung condition to recover fully and get money saved up for the documents and all that before we apply to get them. So hope isn't fully lost for us, we just need to take care of some things for a while longer until then.

Recently, things have gotten worse again. We were paying weekly thanks to the help from my followers and commissions I was getting, but when we weren't able to pay for another, we went back to paying daily again. And immediately we were set back. For the past few days, we haven't been able to pay for one let alone food. We were able to pay most of it to at least stay here, thanks to the kindness of the staff, but they called us earlier to tell us if we couldn't pay everything tonight, then we'd have to leave. We owe 120 by 11pm tonight, and I thought maybe making a new post might help us since posting on my other socials hasn't done much for us lately.

My commissions are open, and if you're interested in helping us out via a commission you can contact me through my Tumblr dms since it's the easiest way to get to me. But if you can't help financially, which I totally understand, I know the economy is tough on all of us right now, please don't feel bad or anything. Reblogs also help us a ton, and it always means a lot to us.

For the commission info itself, I have it all packed into this link right here, along with examples of my art and prices. I draw mainly fantasy pertaining to the Dragon Age Series and although I know little to nothing about Baulders Gate, I have done some art of tavs before! I also do DnD work as well, so I'm used to drawing pretty unique characters. I'll also put some examples I have below. If you want something outside of that, I'm sure I can provide, just let me know upon your request! And I think that's all. Much love to you and thank you for reading, I hope you have a wonderful day/night :)

[astrobravo]

For day 1 of Scoteng Week! I did write it on day 1 but I needed to gather courage to post

I attempted to write Scotland's accent. I'm sorry.

Prompt: Anger from worry / Inconvenient Attraction

Summary: A dialogue-only fic about a sexventure gone wrong between the lads, but it all comes out okay in the end. ♡

—

“Hold still ye fucken weapon. Almost… almost– uh-oh.”

“Uh-oh? What do you mean uh-oh?”

“It slipped again. I don't think this is workin, Arthur–”

“Shut it. Shut your mouth right now and get your fingers back in there and FIX this.”

“I’ve been trying! It’s not moving.”

“It will move! It will move!!!”

“I cannae even SEE it anymore…”

“It’s because you keep shoving it back in with your sausage fingers!! Give it a minute!”

“A minute? I’ve been four fingers deep in yer ass for near an hour and a half!”

"So you’re giving up already. After all you have done to me.”

“After all I've done to ye? Was I the one who came home from the sin shops with a new dildo in MY sustainable canvas shopping bag? Was I the one who laid a towel down on the sofa next to my fuckpal as he was TRYING to watch the footie, stripped down to my skin, stuck my bony chicken legs into the air, and said, in the exact tone of an exhausted cross-town bus driver, 'Turn off the telly and put your back to the plow, beast'?"

“You’re mocking me in my time of crisis. You have inflicted this hell upon me and I’m going to DIE like this and my tombstone will have YOUR FACE ETCHED UPON IT because you will have KILLED ME with your SAUSAGE FINGERS and MOCKED me on my DEATHBED-”

“Ye said ye wanted to stay on the sofa… didye want me to move you to the bed?”

“NO! When this is over you’re going to be sleeping on this couch for the rest of your LIFE, you giant OX-”

“So yer lying on my deathbed then.”

“I can’t believe this. I'm going to die because of your perversions and you're refusing to take my suffering seriously–”

“MY perversions??? That's rich. That's rich!”

"What? You're the one who got so enthusiastic about sticking it to me that the flared base slipped in!”

"YOU SHOULDNAE BOUGHT ONE WITH SUCH WEE BOLLOCKS! USELESS!"

"IT WAS ON SALE! NO ONE ASKED YOU TO GET THAT ENTHUSIASTIC!"

“YE WERE INTO IT!!! YE WERE INTO IT!!!”

“AND NOW IT’S IN ME AND WE’RE BOTH FUCKED!”

"CALM DOWN AND STOP CLENCHING-"

"DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!! I'M CALM! I'M UNCLENCHED!"

“JUST BREATHE!"

"YOU BREATHE! IT'S PRACTICALLY POKING ME IN MY LUNG!"

"OKAY!! Okay. Okay. Arthur… I think it might be time to consider alternative options.”

“We are NOT going to the A&E.”

“Oh, agreed.”

“Wh- you wouldn’t take me to the A&E?”

“I would! Do ye wanna go? Let’s fucken go!”

“No! You know ours is a teaching hospital! I REFUSE to have a gaggle of med students gather around my deathbed and stare into the depths of my fundament with their greasy, judgy, born post-2000 faces! YOU'RE the one who INSISTED on basting me like a Sunday roast-”

“Ye said ya LIKED the slipperiness of the new lube!!"

"-and now look where your decisions have brought us."

"We're getting off track. Arthur, listen to me. There's one thing we haven't tried yet."

"OH and you were saving it for a rainy day? A special occasion? The diamond jubilee?"

"I got up to four in you."

"I'm WELL AWARE-"

"What if. Five."

"..."

"Now hear me out-"

"Your hands are the size of garden trowels-"

"-I could get a better grip-"

"-and you want to rummage around in me and pluck it out like the last crisp in the bag? I've SEEN the poor crisp bags after you're done having your way with them-"

"-pull it right out, and then we'll worry nae more about it."

"-shredded! Like a fox went through the bins!"

"It's either this or the med students."

"..."

"..."

"You'll go slow."

"Slow as ye please."

"And you'll stop when I say."

"Aye, the very moment."

"Christ alive. Fine. Fine. Get in me."

"Alrigh', let me lube up–"

"TO YOUR FOREARM?"

"I've been staring into your asshole for almost two hours. I'm doin what I gotta do here. Alright, I'm goin in."

"FUCKING HELL don't START with four!"

"It's fine, look, they slid right in. There we go. And, breathe in-"

"Ugh–"

"Alrigh', just hold it there, keep breathing, you're doing so well–"

"Hah…hah… huff…"

"That's it. That's it. I'm gonna tuck my thumb in now, just keep breathing–"

"Christ–!"

"Don' tense up on me now! Easy, easy, let me in– oh."

"Alasdair…"

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm in ye. I'm all in. I can feel your heartbeat around me. Yer holding me so tight, yer burning up inside…"

"Wha… the fuck– are you getting hard right now?"

"I cannae help it, you're so open and soft and clenching so tight on me, maybe don't do tha'–"

"BECAUSE YOUR HAND IS UP MY ASS! Let me put my hand up your ass and see if you clench, you insufferable bastard!'

"God, I love ye."

"Wha...did you seriously– HOW DARE THE FIRST TIME YOU SAY THAT BE WHEN YOUR HAND IS UP MY ASS! I demand a do-over!!!"

"Every day, sweetheart, as much as ye like. Just a little deeper, let me in…

"Haa… haa…"

"Oh- I've found the end of it! Hold on now, you're doing so well, don't clench– I got it… I got it, hold on!"

"Guh- BE GENTLE!!"

"Sorry, sorry. Ok. Ok I've got a good grip. Gonnae gently draw it out. Breathe in–"

"Hah, hah… ha-ah!"

"Here it comes, breathe–"

"Alasdair– GAH!"

"It's out! It's out!"

"Haah…"

"I don't see any blood, I think yer alright. You're still open a little–"

"Dont look… -hic- don't– -sniff-"

"It's alright. It's alright. Just let it out. C'mere, lemme hold ye."

"-Sniff- No, you don't have to…"

"Ow, fuck, fucken elbows like scythes– there."

"I hate you."

"It's alright. I love ye."

"I…love you, too. Unfortunately."

"My condolences."

♡　The End　♡

[thevirgodoll]

Hi dear, I hope that you are having a beautiful day.

I really want to get your side on this; so I'm depressed and I'm also an overachiver. I've had depression for about 2 years but it has only crossed the boundaries of my head about three months ago when I got rejected from my dream uni and since then my grades have gone downhill and so have both my mental and physical health. I'm lost (because I missed a goal I had been preparing for for almost a decade lmao) but at the same time the I'm getting so close to hitting rock bottom that I'm relived to have a new and healthier beginning.

For the last few years I've dedicated all my time, efforts and headspace to school. It's my senior year yet I barely have friends, non school related job experience, I even lost the ability to sleep at some point. It's been ages since I've bought clothes, I look extra sloppy all the time and I never go out.

I've learnt a lot through this experience but since it's not going my way, I need to keep moving.

Any advice?

Love you and your blog <333

Navigating Depression while in College

This won't be a Doll Diaries for now but I will create one later.

I appreciate you sharing this with me and want to commend you on still trying and even recognizing that something needs to change. I also want to say that something like this isn't your fault and is a completely normal experience. I think a lot of people overlook the mishaps that can happen in college if depression isn't handled...because we are all so goal oriented, the ugly side of it gets pushed down and creates a loop of inadequacy.

Rejection is a typical part of your 20s...I'm still learning how to deal with it myself. I don't know everything, I'm still in my 20s as well.

I do believe, though, that everything happens for a reason and that something I wanted that I didn't get isn't a rejection but a redirection to something greater.

I completely relate to being in a rut and having health issues impact your college career. I have multiple chronic illnesses. I also have severe depressive episodes and ADHD. I've also had times where I wasn't able to make the best grades in the world.

What got me together was:

going to see a therapist (my school offers it for free)

learning that meds was a good option for me (it isn't for everyone, but it was for me)

getting diagnosed with mental disorders (helped me understand myself better and give validation to what was going on)

developing a consistent routine in all areas (easier said than done)

learning how to love myself as I am while also knowing things must change and taking accountability

having days where I let myself go and relax instead of being productive 24/7

I'm also in my senior year after losing years my experience due to my health. I had to medically withdraw twice so trust me I get it.

While I've lost time due to my health, I realized I can only control right now. My health problems were a sign to slow down.

Why worry on what could've happened? Thinking anything of that nature is a disservice. Introspection is good, but introspection can become rumination after a while. Learn to have a limit.

I do recommend treating yourself and getting out and doing things. Figure out what style of clothes you want to wear, what hair, etc since that's important to you.

Relearn yourself...ask yourself who you are outside of academia because a lot of people lose themselves in it and then have nowhere to turn once it's beginning to end. Find some professor that you can reach out to and confide in to help you, and if not, there's plenty of resources at your school for your program.

Congratulations on reaching your senior year. Focus on yourself, graduation, and becoming the person you want to be. Everything will happen in its due time, and months from now, you will realize that staying in the moment was all you ever needed to enjoy yourself.

Hope this helps ❤️

[izzy-b-hands]

finally broke into one of my new syringes (still have some old ones, but figured hey i should try them for this shot)

Tw for bitching abt medical shit/my injs below the cut

and i just. why is my doc intentionally making this harder. I ask for 3ml syringes bc it's what im used to and know how to draw up. She agreed to that, so i never checked my new ones bc why should i? she listened, she sent in for 3mls, right?

NOPE. fucking 1 ml which means figuring out the draw up has required online searching to make sure it's right, and bonus! everything I've found doesn't recommend it for T bc it's such a slow inj to begin with, and 'many feel it takes longer to inject in smaller syringes designed mainly for IV use, which lessens compliance with injection schedules in some'

And i hate how it looks. it looks like so much more, and i know that's stupid bc it isn't, it's the same amount as usual, but the sight of it is v much involved in me getting my injs done with my fear of needles. I know, again, I KNOW planned parenthood is dealing with not enough funding, hands on staff, etc, but does that really prevent you from listening to your patient and trying to help them with shit like this? bc i don't think it should. I'm still forever grateful they've been helping me keep my T going until I find a primary care doc, but at the same time...what the fuck? I said this would be an issue, and i need to stay with my usual supplies. If that was an issue for them, i was willing to buy syringes myself from the medical gear shop I've used for extra supplies before (that will ship out here, I've checked.) Why won't she just fucking. listen, and talk to me? if all she could do was 1 ml syringes, fine, BUT FUCKING TELL ME THAT BEFORE SO I CAN JUST BUY MY OWN

Like. I will get this done. ill use these crap syringes up bc I refuse to waste them.

But now I'm overly nervous and worried im gonna fuck it up with the new syringe, or that it will hurt more or take even longer to inject than usual, so my hands are too shaky to do it! im already a day late with it, and I'd bet ten bucks I wont be able to calm myself enough to do it until tomorrow. Yes, this is also autism bs of needing things the same but like. I've had to do a lot of adjusting since last year, and have made efforts to accept changes and sporadic things. it's been hard as fuck, but I've fucking done it. so why can't i have one fucking thing like this stay the same? just my inj supplies, that's it! I'll accept and deal with other changes but for fuck's sake, she KNOWS I'm nervous abt fucking up my injections (bc i always want them to go well so i get as much med in me as i can, with minimal tracking out after it), why the fuck wouldn't she at least tell me if she was limited in syringes/what she can rx?

Why don't docs listen when i talk, and why won't they just talk and be honest with me like a fucking adult. is that honestly so fucking difficult?

Apparently so 🙃

[metamorphosisme]

Curls hair, puts on makeup, and new dress to pick up my man. Not only does he not acknowledge me at all but as soon as we get home he jumps in the shower then half way threw calls me over. "Me and our daughter are going over ***s house for a bbq idk how many people is gonna be there but there will be kids ectect" after I say ok and a long pause he goes "you can come if you want"... I just said it ok and made up the excuse for taking care or the baby. I just had that gut feeling that he didn't want me there, it sucks, I thought I looked ok even though I gained 5lbs back... I just wanted to feel... alright? ... anyway Then right before I leave he goes "what did you do today?" I said worked, nothing why? He goes "you smell like a dog I keep gagging.".... broke my fucking heart dude... he did ask for a kiss but then left... back for another binge once he was gone... im so fucking sad man and if I show him I'm sad he gets mad it's so ridiculous.

When he gets home I'm sleeping on the couch and I open my eyes, he looks down at me and says "why do you have that fucking face on for already". Like 😭😭 legit all I did was open my eyes.... I just went upstairs away from him he was obviously drinking.. he's been drinking for about 3 or 4 months straight everynight.. only 6 16oz millers but the "only" is me trying to tell myself it's ok because he works.... how am I supposed to tell him to kick something when I can't even cut down my fucking eating... ive gained 5 pounds in 2 weeks. I legit feel like the fat I can see in my face, and my stomach is puffed out, like I see it and maybe that's why he's being mean to me again.... ha... another thing we were sitting on the couch he ate this peanut butter thing and threw half on a napkin on the table, time goes by so I broke a piece off to try and he looked at me horrified, " just because I didn't eat it doesn't mean I wanted you too"..... you think it would have been a sign...

Idk if he only likes me when I'm skinny because I only like me when I'm skinny but mam screaming sick kids, his bipolar / drinking, + trying to work and running a fucking house and running everywhere the fuck else everyday is tough man... I just wanna be happy so bad. My doctor just puts me on any new medication that's on the market, my therapist said I need a psychiatrist and a nutritionist, the psychiatrist won't call me back and the doctor shit needs to be done in secret because my man doesn't believe in that.... (he went to my doctor for his bipolar and he almost killed himself multiple times from the meds..) I've been debating ozemp or the off brands but I'm seeing A LOT of people having suey thoughts on it, it's like a whole underground thing nobody is talking about and it's not like self ouchy it's like felt so low one day did some crazy shit and is now in a coma... idk man I just don't know... I just ordered elevate from avantera to see if maybe that helps with my compulsions. I don't have add as far as I know because I can take an addi and feel my body pick up... could be wrong but I've always heard if you have add and you take one you get slow so trail and error I don't believe that's my case.. oy idk now im rambling to my damn self.. Hopefully I'll read this later and maybe it will give me the strength to be strong and not give in. Eating helps for a moment like a drug but the reprocussions of it are just foul... oh ha and side note deff the weight plus my sugar cuz I'm back to being in pain.. again omad I'm done I can't go on like this... lol no eating was so easy when I was able to just work and sleep all day haha now add having to make 10 meals a day not for yourself and everyone eating different shit on top of daily stress and cleaning... lol whole shit is wild...

[bilightningwhumper]

Making progress on a lot, it's mostly just typing all my hand written stuff that's taking forever now. I already said I'm going to re-write the prologue for "Lost Voice", bulk it up like I wanted to. And in doing so, as well as currently writing the prologue for "Picture Perfect" (which so far I'm a chunk through Lesle's PoV right now and hers alone is already lengthy), I think I'm going to add a little more to "Forever Prey" 's as well. Not much more, but less censoring myself on the whump because I still keep doing that. Especially when it comes to lady/female whump because I know it's not a lot of folks thing. But the whole point of these stories is to do what I want, so that's what I'm planning on.

And don't worry about my promise to finish the Mangst 2024 prompts. Those are coming along nicely as well. Like I said, typing takes forever for me, lol. I have them all started and a few all finished, just not in order, so it'll be slow releases, but the chance of multiple posted at a time is high.

I'm just happy I'm doing better on these new meds (fingers crossed, knock on wood) and in a position at work that most folks in my department dreads because a large portion of it is just sitting around for hours by yourself, but it's paradise for me who can write or read with my own music to my heart's content as long as I get all my work done.

[the-firebird69]

I suddenly see something these idiots aren't going to do squat and they work for the empire and it's a pseudo empire too and they're not making anything and they're building nothing their meds were making necessities cuz they make it for themselves so I'm going to take over their stuff but also a son and daughter had an idea you want people to sign up for these projects like Pontiac and Dodge and other companies that we can revive and kit car companies and transportation systems like the motorcycle idea because we have a lot of chassis and other things and I'm thinking of room they actually are and we could use the space for some stuff we need to get going on it we need to get him the car and it will push it along and he asked Frank Castle hardcastle to do it and then start doing it he's laughing cuz it's probably a massively difficult he said yeah this guy has to die he did figure it out but he is chuckling cuz he saw you struggling and struggling and struggling kind of like why don't we get some signals out there and he's moving on it

Thor Freya

It was very very difficult even do it the whole time and then he asked me personally to get it going and I am and I tell you what it is really slow and difficult and huge and she's an idiots in the way on purpose by The empire and they won't do the job and we assessed it first. And we said they're just not going to do anything and whatever it is and they really needed to do everything that they say that they don't have to and they don't know it and they're going to be screwed and small right now we're getting to work and we're moving out last night's 380% turned into like 420% this morning those factory doors are open and mac daddy is screaming they're stupid it says they're going to get him in stupid s*** and our son says you're a p**** you don't understand the economy what are you going to do when you have no more cigars and he looked around and said you know what I'm going to be able to afford stuff so Mike too signed it up with him and it said good and our son and said I might try a cigar I can't afford one but so he looks over and says shut up any calls over the opened like 50 factories and they need stuff basic stuff and as soon as asking if you can get that stuff on that website and they said yeah some of it's okay it was okay my men need money and he's moving out and the others are seeing it and they're starting to do stuff that's a helpful conversation and we needed this and we need our people to sign up and he wants to do several projects and she does too with him one is the Ford GT and it seems to be working a little in Africa but a lot less than we thought and they don't have time to do it and stuff like that so we want to start it and start building them separately and then have them open factories and his newest kid car idea is taking a cold people want to make electric kit cars because you can get the motors and you can't get the other ones and it's their plan so they might do it and they're faster than hell these electric cars are faster than hell and he knew they would be and we did too so we are going ahead with the idea right now and we have people volunteering and we have new signees volunteering he says to accept them all and if they want to position that is a little above them that's fine we can do it I've done it my whole life and we're going to do it that way and we're going to do it now

Thor Freya

I guess we don't sign up and we've been doing it but they don't know it. A lot of people are under qualified but they learn very very quickly even on the job and we love it it works with ours. Yeah somebody got mad here I can't even get that going and it's a hydrogen bomb give me a break these people are going to do nothing and we can but so he wants to get that one going and it says it kind of looks like a cunning a Koenig it does a little bit it's the two do it who did the design but they really want it going and they wanted the kid car they just exhausted and he can't do anything not even a Lambo project. He wants that to go too he wants to make a small one and call it Lambo that's really they get on your case all the time and you know being different lettering and he was thinking like a h like a H2 Hummer lettering and just put Lambo and maybe a number designation and it look like like a junior like a lotus made this junior class people want to do that it's an interesting thing and he wants the spaceship one to go out first and variations of that one he thinks it'll work real well is why people want to be a little Darth vaders we can start them on the islands maybe they need cars like that and the system is slick and the women do the work he says if you started on the islands they can come to the states and do the interiors and the seats and they like doing that stuff and a good at it and the guys can do the fiberglass they they're still in the frames it's a slick system it's really nice it'll come painted I mean these people are now seeing it comes painted and you just drop it on in the same wow this is intense and the car he was talking about which is the xt1 Hyperion it would cost about $35,000 to $40,000 to build complete it's $40,000 that's high performance electric and it would sell for $300,000 to start after a few weeks it would be a 1.5 million dollars for the kit so we should put it together because people will buy it to build it and they'll say that and then they want to change it and moving out and we want to make the Hall capable of withstanding thousands of miles an hour and it's not too hard and we can do it without reinforcement we're going to go ahead and do this idea and we've got people on it now hey what you going to do a backwards and drive it around and get people interested and strive them off on it and pay you back if they can't do it

Olympus send the kids out and attract and get big we need to right now

[mejomonster]

Happy health news. Mostly rambling tho

AWWW YEAH. So the thiamine (100 mg TTFD), my herbal meds from acupuncturist, physical therapy stretches at home, and just general accupuncture and physical therapy, are working!

Knocking on wood but you know***

I havent needed miralax in a week, I'm experimenting with now lowering amitiza dose since I've been going 4 times a day it seems like I can risk lowering it now without super-risking not going for a week (and the vomiting that comes with it).

Notes for myself:

physical therapy stretches specifically help gi tract rumble and feel hunger, so I should try those when I get nausea or no appetite as they're a quick way to help those symptoms. I should also try to do them daily as they may be helping gi tract function better again. DO THIS when nausea or no hunger!!!

Herbal meds seem to be doing something. Just in that since I've started them I haven't needed miralax thank fuck. They're not hurting anything at least so I'll finish the bottles.

I'm currently doing 1 B complex vitamin (so it's got 200 mg B5 since that helps gi function too), and 1 100 mg B1 thiamine TTFD form capsule. I could significantly push up this dose, either up to 3 a day (which seemed to help some others with gi issues), 5 a day (again helped some with gi issues) or all the way up to 1600 mg (the high dose thiamine recommendation). I think I'll keep it where it is for now since that'll make the bottle last longer. But if I can't use bathroom, I could consider upping this dose as an initial attempt to feel better. Then amitiza, then miralax. That would probably be the gentlest order of trying to fix it. I am still going to take motegrity nonstop as I think the primary issue IS motility so I don't want to slow down motility and make things worse.

The nutritionist gave me a supplement with butryate and glutamine. If I add anything I may add that next, a gi protocol with thiamine mentioned those help gi tract heal. I know in the fall/winter I was given those and they did help significantly with lowering pain, increasing my food tolerance of solids. I figure I either got benefit then and I'm good now, or maybe I could use some more. But since I've already got a new supplement with them I may add them back in.

Nutritionist also gave me 2 digestive enzyme supplements she think will help my tolerance with foods causing intense bloating pain constipation that I'm not actually allergic to, like cabbage broccoli beans kimchi etc. But I can do that later and see if it helps later on.

Right now the first variable I want to keep messing with is thiamine, because it's so far only had small good effect or larger positive effect. It's water soluable, it's easy to take.

I'm low key hoping maybe my recovery will be less than 6-8 months (which is the estimate my acupuncturist gave and the similar case to mine seemed to need 5-8 months based on their timeline) just because I can do a few more things and have done more prior work in recovery besides just taking my gi meds to keep me able to eat. Also for me physical therapy seems to be somewhat helpful, which is something the case study like me did not do.

[guigz1-coldwar]

'A hand on your heart ': New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"A hand on your heart"

"Don't worry, Yiri, I'm here, I'm protecting you!"

Chapter Summary: The common decision of Park, Zasha & Portnova allowed Yirina to slightly get better despite the bad moments still here but the nightmares aren't going to left her...

Link of the Picrew used !

To read it on AO3, click here!

Words : +3200

Taglist : @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart

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July 9th, for three days now, I was no longer alone in the apartment with Beans. Park, Zasha & Portnova were now staying with me to make sure that the seizures weren't becoming too much frequent because of the last one & my state wasn't declining. They were making their best to improve on how I was and the only thing, for me, it was...making me smile but also sad too, their kindness could have made me cry the first day they stayed here and I managed to hold back my tears...it was touching me at my highest point...

How I was feeling since they were here? I was getting better but the bad moments were still here: moments of having a panic attack at some time of the day despite that the others were present, moments where I was absent, staying up for minutes without doing anything before something or someone got me out but it was becoming less present over the following days and the third day, nothing bad happened at me when the night came, meaning that my mental breakdown was nearly done and tonight, the four of them were playing some...

"Bullshit!" It was Portnova's voice who spoke up against Park who said that she was having 2 aces in her pack of cards in her hands. Zasha was, of course, the one who wanted to play the game.

"Okay, let me see you," Park taunted her with a clear voice, smirking at her as she took out a card of her pack. "One," She said, showing to her perfectly the card to us and putting on the pile of cards in the middle of the table we were.

"You're lying, I can see..." Zasha scoffed, thinking that Park was lying, joining Portnova before their mouth closed after they saw Park taking another card...another ace out of her pack before putting it on the pile.

"You were saying, Zasha?" Park looked at them with a smile before she put her eyes on me, who was patiently waiting my turn with my pack that was neither little nor too big, just a medium-size compared to the other one. "I think that I wasn't lying," She smirked, her eye moving to Portnova.

"That's a first for you," Portnova told her as in fact, this was the first time that Park managed to fool her in the game. "Maybe the last," She added as she moved her hands without showing any signs of being a bad player, taking the pile of cards and mixing it in her own.

"Things are changing, we'll see about it," I stated, knowing that it was my now my turn and honestly, my cards were a bit of a mix of the deck, a very weird mix: I've almost got everything in between my hands. "Okay, three valets," I started, looking at the three designed cards and peaking my eyes away to look at the other, not saying anything at all.

I thought that they were going to accuse me of 'Bullshit', surely already waiting for Zasha or Portnova to do it but it didn't happen, the trio staying silent at me as I was taking out the designed cards and putting them on the middle of the table, making a new little pile of cards that now was waiting to be filled up again of others cards of the deck.

"No one accused me?" I asked them after I was done, looking surprised.

"You weren't lying, you got those three valets in your pack after I accused you of 'Bullshit'," Zasha replied to me, having analyzed through my pack of cards that I wasn't lying...weird..."And besides, if you were lying, you wouldn't have taken any cards," They scoffed to me.

"And of course, ruining you the fun of seeing the others get more cards while you got less?" I questioned them, looking at them with my head slightly on the side, my eyes a bit wide to them. "You'll see that we can win against you," I asserted that objective to them.

"You can...dream," They smiled at me & Park, knowing well that the two of us were trying to get Zasha down and giving them their first real loss, as friends. "Good, good," They sniffed as their hands were spreading their pack to take a closer look at it even if there weren't any needs to...since their pack was small. "Two knights," They announced and like me, no one spoke up to accuse them, letting them put their two knights in the pile of cards in the middle.

"We're waiting for the good moment, don't worry," Park exclaimed to them after they posed the last knight card on the pile, giving a discreet wink at me.

The game was slowly continuing and the pile of cards was getting bigger as the others were playing their cards and also drinking the coffee that Portnova made for everyone and it was a bit distracting Zasha, knowing their taste for the coffee but they were still staying cautious, me & Park awaiting the perfect moment to caught Zasha off-guard to make their pack bigger and us, smaller.

"My turn, soon to be winner," Zasha joked as the game was looking to reach its end, them having now only 6 cards between their hands as I was having 8, Portnova 10 & Park 7, the situation was looking rather hot. "2 queens," They said but then...

"Bullshit!" I spoke up but at the same time as Park herself, making us look at each other in surprise but exchanging a smile as we thought the same thing at the same time.

"Let me show you this," They protested but I was seeing a little drop of water appearing on their forehead...uh...they were lying..."It's a bit hot in here, did you raise the temperature?" They asked obviously Portnova, even gesturing to adjust the collar of their shirt with their left hand.

"Zed, play!" She ordered in a funny tone, her face realizing that they were trying to avoid the subject.

"Come on, show us your 'two queens'," I demanded, even gesturing to them that I wasn't buying it and now, it was like me, Park & Portnova were looking at them with a serious look, obligating them to show us their pack, and then, they resigned to show it entirely, not having any queen. "Yes, I knew it!" I almost cheered up and going up from my chair, amazed by it. It was looking like a little victory as the game wasn't finished yet but it was meaning a lot, having succeeded in not bought successfully Zasha's lie in a 'Bullshit' and making them lose the advantage.

"Seems that someone is happy now," Zasha mumbled, looking in defeat at the pile of cards in defeat before their eyes went back on me. "That was a first but maybe the last,"

"She isn't the only one, Zasha," Park joined me in to be happy about that but we were meaning it as friends, not making fun of them.

"Same for me," I was surprised when Portnova also joined us, realizing that she was wanting to see Zasha been rightfully accused of 'Bullshit' and she even smiled at them. "Come on, you couldn't be staying undefeated," She reassured them in a good voice, putting her right hand on top of theirs.

"Yeah, for just once, it's not that bad," Park added to Portnova's statement. "I hope that it isn't going to stain our friendship," She hoped for that, putting her cards upside down on the table.

"Zed, it's just a game but at least, we can admit that it's fun," I stated, moving back next to the table and staying up, putting my hands on it as Zasha slowly grinned at us.

"Well, at least, as you said, it was very fun," They told us, putting a smile on everyone's face as they got their pack of cards in the middle. "You know what? We're saying that you win," They affirmed but I shook my head.

"No, the game isn't finished yet," I stated to them, knowing that the game could only finish until someone has no more cards in their hands.

"And me, I'm offering to you the victory, you deserve it," They said, going up from their chair and looking around the table to see the numerous pack of cards and the cups of coffee on it. "And since, it's getting late, we should get to sleep," They advised, making me look at the clock, seeing that it was almost midnight.

"I agree with this," I said and everyone nodded, Portnova moving to gather everyone's cards in a  single pile as Park was taking the cups in her hands to get them in the kitchen.

"I'm hugging Beans, and then, on my way to med," Zasha exclaimed, walking to reach Beans that was asleep on the couch, deciding instead to slowly caress the top of her head while I was watching them. "You should go get to sleep, Yirina, you need it,"  They suggested to me, checking me up from top to bottom.

"Don't worry, I'm..." I was going to continue until I yawned nearly loudly inside the living room, covering my mouth with my right hand. "Well, you're right," I raised my shoulders, that yawn as a sign that I was tired of that even if we didn't do anything big...except that game. "I'm going then, have a good night, Zed, and you too, Beans," I waved at them both, Zasha returning it as Beans responded by meowing at me.

Now looking tired and yawning, I decided to walk out of the living room to join our bedroom, not forgetting to salute Portnova and telling her good night as I told Park that I was going to bed before resuming my walk to get to our bedroom in a slow pace as my brain wouldn't let me walk faster and I think it was all for the better of myself, and then, I was entering the room, closing the door behind me.

I then start to undress, removing only my shoes and my jeans even if today, I didn't get outside as I was still not ready for this, leaving only my blue shirt on my top before I decided to put myself onto the bed, getting under the white sheets and looking up at the ceiling, my hands poised over my chest above the blankets as a few seconds later that I was installed that Park came in without a word.

She wasn't saying anything and me too but the main thing I could perceive on her face was a smile, probably still thinking of our little victory despite that the game never actually ended properly but it was still a victory for us. After taking off her clothes and putting them next to mine on a chair, she walked to her side of the bed before getting on it.

"You're okay, Yiri?" She asked me curiously as she installs herself inside the sheets, feeling her fingers along my right arm.

"Yes, I'm good," I replied to her, removing my eyes from the ceiling to look at her, seeing her face as her right hand was going over my shoulder. "But as you know, I'm still fearing each night about my nightmares," I told her clearly about it.

"I know, you try to not think about it but it's still coming," She suggested to me and I nodded.

"It's...I don't know why there are things that I couldn't remember right when we were both captured by Perseus," I stated, referring to my last nightmare that happened two days ago, reliving a scene where two Perseus doctors were analyzing me as I was under some drugs effects on a stretcher. "As if I did lose what happened those days," I added.

"Me too, I can't remember what happened during those days to me," She joined me into that statement as her hand was slowly caressing my shoulder. "I'm fearing about what they could have done to you & me, I'm just...scared," She admitted to me as her eyes were looking flowed by tears but not crying.

"We're scared, Park, we're both scared," I confessed to her, both having been through hell before her hand moves slowly on my shoulder, arriving gently below my shirt above where my heart was.

"Tell me if it's not okay, I will remove it," She said as my heartbeats were now felt inside the palm of her hands, her fingers crossing along with the scars above my heart. "Do you like it?" She asked me as her fingers were slowly stroking along my scars.

"Yes, can you keep it on me?" I demanded at her as it was like comforting me to have her hand on me and especially above my heart.

"Yes, I will, don't worry," She responded before she moved to get closer to me and keeping her hand above me, making me move my right arm around her. "Good night, love," She whispered, her voice very low and speaking away from me.

"Yes...good night too," I muttered, landing a kiss on top of her head before I looked up again at the ceiling, Park's head above my shoulder and her touching from her right hand on my heart to comfort me as I was now trying to find a moment to get myself to close my eyes and sleep...

...but I was knowing that my sleep wasn't going to be easy for me inside...

My mind was waking up by the sounds of some music inside my ears and when I tried to open my eyes, my vision was still looking black despite seen a little, meaning that I was blindfolded and my body...my arms & legs were tied up with ropes, impossible to move my hands without hurting myself, the ropes feeling very tight around my wrists and the only thing that was disturbing me...was that music, having a headset on my ears.

That music, it was sounding American and it was saying the same thing, over & over again, 'Staying alive, staying alive,' in a sort of bad loop every 20 seconds, and my head wasn't feeling great to hear that particular music, moving it slightly away to make that headset away from my head but no movements could allow me to remove it...Staying alive...staying alive...what I could only hear now...staying alive...

Suddenly, the headset was somehow removed from around my ears, still able to hear the echoes of that music in them before the blindfold that was covering my eyes was also removed, giving me a clear sight of where I was: the interrogation room with a TV at my vision...and in front of it, there was Stitch himself, just him, no one, not even Freya with him....just him...staying alive...

"Enjoying the music,  Grigoriev?" He exclaimed through his mask, looking at the headset he was having in his hands.

"Stitch...fuck...you..." I tried to gather my voice to give my thoughts to him but he moved the headset away to put his hands on my chin.

"Always been in the bitchy attitude, no wonder that you betrayed us," He told me, making me look in his eyes and I wanted to spit on his face but I couldn't. "All these years...just to become the CIA's puppet,"

"I...ain't for the CIA...fuck them," I proclaimed, telling him the truth as he got his hands away from my face to look at me, standing up. "I hate them," I added as he turned around to me, looking at the table nearby.

"The only thing that we got in common, me & you," He said, putting his hands on a knife that was on the table and taking it. "Sixteen years ago, Adler took an eye out of me, fulfilling my hatred against him and the West, he took...my left eye," He looked closely at the knife before turning his head to me. "I would have like to send a message to the others, you know, an eye for an eye, as they said but it's all old-fashioned business," He sighed before getting the knife back at its spot.

"Old-fashioned...talking about that...or your clothes?" I tried to scoff around but I was surprised that he didn't react violently to me, even hitting me, slapping me, or hold me by the jaw.

"Keep getting funny, it will not help you," He asserted, clenching his right fist at me. "It's not because Wraith isn't here that I'm not allowed to hurt you," He added to that warning.

"Where is she? Why are you doing this?" I asked him, not actually waiting for an answer from him.

"She's insisting that you are needed to come back at our side," He responded nonetheless to me, getting at my level. "Honestly, I would have let you die in the Yamantau but now, it's actually better to get inside your head," He added.

"You...stop this," I ordered, trying to move my hands but only hurting me with the ropes, my voice pleading at this max, exhausted, my whole body exhausted. "Let me go...stop this...make it stop," I pleaded.

"You know that ain't going to happen," He admitted, causing some tears to appear in my eyes. "Oh, you can cry, no one is here to save you, not even your British agent," He continued, breaking a little laugh through his mask.

"Park..." I whispered her name, not wanting to have her harmed.

"Quite a story to heard about, you know?" He told me, joining his hands together as my head was trying to slowly shake, feeling a bit dizzy. "It's because of her that you...decide to stay with them, it wasn't Adler, it was her...only her...right?" He demanded at me but my head was looking down before he pulled me back up, looking at him again "Right?" He asked loudly.

"Yes...yes..." I answered in a low voice, causing him to release me again from his hand. "Don't...hurt...her...not her..." I pleaded about that but he wasn't listening that he got something out of his tactical vest... a picture...

"You might know his man, I believe?" He showed me the picture...discovering on it...Lazar...himself, a sort of identity picture, not smiling...."Eleazar Azoulay," He said, knowing his name as my head slowly nodded. "It's your fault that he died, right?"

"No...no..." I muttered, looking at the picture as I heard Stitch lamenting for Lazar's death.

"You could have saved him...but you saved her instead..." He sighed, looking too at the picture. "Looking better here than when we saw the pictures of his dead body...oh, I have them," He revealed to me and I wanted to close my eyes to it but it was too late as he showed below me...pictures of Lazar's dead body...things labeled by the CIA...stolen...

"No...please...stop..." I ordered him but Stitch was insistent on showing me them.

"You left him to die to save her, you're useless, only thinking about the less important things," He exclaimed in a serious voice, putting his left hand behind my head and making me look up to the pictures closely. "You're useless, you can't save your friends...you can't even save yourself," He continued before he got his hands away from me again, and then, he put several pictures of Lazar's body at my feet.

"Remove them, I...it wasn't...please...no..." I spoke up, taking rapid breaths but Stitch was fainting to not hear me at all, moving to grab something on the table. "No...please..."

"I can say that MK-Ultra did make a good work on you, easy for us to repeat the process," He talked to himself as he was holding a syringe in his hands, tapping on it to check its content. "Some magic words, drugs, hypnosis & music and we know how to do it," He said as he looked back at me, getting my head down in defeat.

"Fuck...you...Fuck...you," I cursed, using my remaining strength inside of me to insult him as he put his hands on my shoulder.

"A CIA product...becoming a Perseus one, let's see how it goes," He breathed before he injected the needle into my left shoulder before pulling it out, my body starting to feel weird, wanting to sleep...anesthesias. "Bell, we have a job to do," He raised his voice to say it, making my head to shake away, wanting to stop the echoes in my head before he put the blindfold on my face, along with the headset. "Good sleeping...and enjoy the music,"

This was the last thing I heard from him before his voice was replaced by hearing the music of that torture, my mind alternating between calming itself and freaking out as he said the key-phrase to me as my body was slowly giving up on me, part by part, starting by my legs as it was slowly going up, that music still echoing inside my ears...staying alive...staying alive...staying alive...

I wanted to keep up to fight the effects of MK-Ultra but the drugs that were inside of me, the injection that Stitch did to me in my shoulder, the key-phrase...and the music...staying alive...staying alive...it couldn't help me to fight it and slowly, I could feel my eyes close hardly, my whole body shutting down now but my ears still hearing that music...staying alive...staying alive...

It was impossible to fight the effects...staying alive...impossible...

[thebleuroseproject]

On Helena: #1

Context: I am playing Helena in a Vampire, the Masquerade game. Setting is Boston, Necropolis, 2015. Helena is mortal, currently a ghoul to another player character (Klaxon). The player characters are Klaxon (Nosferatu), Elyas (Tremere), Keri (Gangrel), Garreth (Gangrel). Our DM is Gore. Some of this conversation will be edited out as I have done this to focus on Helena and her character.

Garreth OOC: -points to Helena- baby

Alex: Helena agreed, but is also aware Garreth is also baby, so it's like the same feeling you have for the baby sitter that's two years older than you are.

***

Gore: Garreth and Klaxon have to make it out alive as they went into it. But y'all split the party on me so I can't gaurantee that.

Alex: Helena will probably come rushing back. I don't think she will move in just due to how complex her plant/heat lamp set up is.

Gore: She could leave them with her plant dealer, Gus?

Alex: She could but it's like leaving your cat with your best friend. You trust them but that's your baby, and you will worry constantly.

***

Alex: She wouldn't cope well with Klaxon having monster sex- she heard something about him fucking a demon, and having also SEEN Necropolis...so she looks at her dorm and values the quiet.

Gore: He can't bring them topside, so Helena's safe.

Alex: I don't think she knows that.... but I do think she'd miss him then.Oh my god is she the mum friend? I think she is! "AT WHAT TIME DO YOU CALL THIS?? YOU DIDN'T TEXT ME I WAS WORRIED?". Either way, she's still on the fence about her dorm and I can't push her any which way.

***

Gore: Has she heard stories about how brutal U.S cops are?

Alex: No, she's pretty shut in. She came to America for study and books, so thats EXACTLY what she's doing.

Gore: She's not aware of the political climate of it?

Alex: No, she's one of those 'I don't read the news'

Gore: Aight

Alex: I never really thought about it but I guess she is autistic. The 'outside' world doesn't really interest her on a larger scale. She's more about tasks and interests. The only reason I'M not like that is because of my flavour of anxiety being worried that I'm not a good person. I think Helena's is more about just interacting with people and her routines. She DOES love the World and humanity, but she's much more of a fan of nature because she's always found it hard to connect with people. This doesn't mean she's NASTY, she's nice to everyone and wouldn't hurt a fly - she just simply doesn't understand things like racism/homophobia on an emotional level. Historically though, of course she does.

***

Gore: What happens if one of her friends gets hurt?

Alex: She's never had that problem before really. The best example so far is with Patrick (NPC)when she was like OH GOD OH NO. Her first thoughts were practical though "I have to find him and give him first aid or whatever I can do". She has her panic attacks but like when Klaxon had his she throws it out the window and focuses on what needs to be done. She wants to be useful, she wants to help if she's needed in a people situation. Those situations are rare though, she's always been in her own little world, her parents hoped she'd get better with this but she's managed so far.

***

Gore: What if (helping) gets her into more trouble?

Alex: Hm. I think she takes things as it comes. If she was an element, she would be Earth. She's not selfish, she weathers the storm as best she can. THAT attitude has got her into trouble though, as she's still learning to be like "I need sleep" and "I don't want this.

***

Gore: Sometimes the Earth gets shaken. Would she take a direct attack to defend one of her new friends or have one of them defend her?

Alex: Hm, she would take a hit. She is vaguely aware people usually need to defend her, and feels bad about it. She's still never really had friends though, so this is new...AND in her mind she can always patch them up - even if that isn't strictly true.

***

Gore: How far can she go w/o realising she needs to patch herself up?

Alex: I mean she rushed out the door to help someone else at MIDNIGHT. For comparison, I would call the authorities and get some sleep since I would be useless sleep deprived. Helena doesn't even really put that as her first thought because she hasn't had anyone to really rely on (aside from her parents) so she feels like she has to do everything herself. She is Very respectful of authority figures but doesn't expect them to solve her problems, even with her parents, she realises in their old age she can't rely on them anymore. As a result, I think she'd go pretty far because she KNOWS the body and how it works. She will always think she can take a little more, but in reality she can't predict the impact and just how hard the next hit will be.

***

Gore: So if her legs are gone, she would still crawl to others to heal them?

Alex: Oh yeah, if she can move and has bandages. If not, she would at least move to be with them. Helena would be happy to go and then come straight back if Klaxon told her to and if she was given a use. Go there and come straight back we need to you to X for this thing.

***

Gore: You are a Brit in Boston in 2015 I gotta say that as well...

Alex: She's been fine at Uni

Gore: Up until now

Alex: It's only been a day for her, she doesn't get that yet. At Uni she does largely what she's told if given a clear reason.

Gore: Yeah but here's the thing about med school. It is highly competitive and people are always looking for excuses to flunk people out.

Alex: True. But she is VERY GOOD at what she does. I imagine that does annoy others but also it's hard to be mad at her because she's quiet about it as well as sweet, lovely and helpful to most people she meets. She knows her place with people in general, and it is at the bottom.

Gore: Some Boston people would say that you belong in the harbour with the tea

Alex: and she would clam up and walk on by.

***

Alex: Teachers like her because she's polite, studies hard and is VERY earnest in what she does. Helena making a mistake is rare, so when it happens, some shit is going down.

Gore: It sure will be

Alex: She's going to have to rush in and lie to teachers, she won't like that at ALL. Helena is a good girl but she ain't saying shit about Necropolis. She doesn't fully understand why, but she feels it in her heart to shut up.

Gore: Why?

Alex: Klaxon said they've (kindred) been around forever and have functioned this way. The heart doesn't know the lungs exist but functions anyway, yet NEEDS those lungs. She isn't loyal to humanity like that, her interest lies in medicine and they (kindred) don't seem malicious, from what she's seen.

***

Gore: Wouldn't it be a great medical advancement to study those undead and cryptids?

Alex: Yeah, but not on a huge scale. She knows about medicinal cruelty. How many have been mutilated or hurt in the name of study? With the world as it is now, no. Sure, an ideal world in Helena's mind would be all species working and living together but she KNOWS that isn't going to happen.So she will study by herself, and she's fine with that.

***

Gore: If embraced, would she study herself

Alex: Yeah, absolutely.

Gore: To what degree?

Alex: Not to like 'remove arm' degree, she would do it as needed. Like when they test new skincare on humans "I put this swatch on to see how it works". Blood samples, skin samples, bone study - she would see if she could get books on anatomy for surgery and healing.

***

Alex: The idea of studying forever appeals to her, but the passage of time scares her. She's not ready to be a vampire but she might be if she lost all her connections on the outside. I don't think it would be healthy for her though.

The joy of a mortal life is that you (hopefully) realise eventually that you have to self actualise or you WILL DIE and things will be WRONG.

Gore: What value is your own health when there's injured people?

Alex: Exactly. But I don't think she'd be her own person, she'd dedicate her life to a cause.

***

Alex: She's still developing as a person

Gore: You can develop as a kindred, it happens.

Alex: I think she thinks she might get there (being a kindred) but not at the drop of a hat.

Gore: Funny thing about death, you aren't always ready for it.

Alex: I know that, and she knows that a little. But Klaxon said she could choose, and she would like to. When it comes to big decisions I think she's slow and deliberate, like a plant. She really doesn't like change all that much.

***

Gore: You can't trust those Tremere, they can and will sell you out or use you for a ritual.

Alex: She won't see it like that, she is individual by individual. Like with her plants. HER Aloe Vera is not like any other aloe vera if you look on a deeper level, which she does.

***

Gore: She wanted to be a war medic right, has she done any internships at that level?

Alex: Not yet. She wanted to do her degree first for the skills, learn as much as she could by the boos because it's not something you can or should wing.

***

Gore: Would she squee if she met a moss or grass person?

Alex: Probably. Absolutely. Maybe quietly. She would probably love to learn to help them if they get sick. In retirement I can see her as being the best GP ever. The nurse that gives you breathing room if you have needle anxiety. The doctor that believes you and gives you a refferal. She is GOOD and I love her.

[weabbynormalblog]

10 Winter Holidazes Tips and tricks-

For those living with Fibromyalgia, CFS, depression, auto immune etc. it's time to have a little fun.

This time of year can be physically brutal, stressful and full of triggers. From Bright lights, lots of decorations, music, food and people. Yes and fun too!

The list...

1- Be Prepared

Me, I'm all about the quality of the moment. I want to survive the holidays and not end up in bed and have some fun too! For me its 1 festive beverage, water or juice after that. I'll avoid my muscle relaxant for 2-3 hours, I'll bring my own snacks, music/meditation and eye mask. Be prepared for any kind of moments. Also be prepared to have some fun, if your not into the event then do something that you do enjoy so you don't have the holiday blues.

2 - Pack healthy snacks, include mints or gum. Sucking on a candy can also distracts brain and keep you from indulging in too much of the sweets. Many of us who suffer with auto immune issues and disorders sugar is often is a trigger. I suggest portion control for those who tend to over indulge. Grab a plastic cup put your chips(taboo food) in there, when it's empty your done.

3 - Prepare for some discomfort. Remember your Meds. Distraction photos maybe of your children, animals, art project...plus whatever has worked for you in the past. Have something to focus on rather than your pain, discomfort or unhealthy thoughts. Have handy in your phone a seven to ten minute meditation to follow, to help you deal with all that input. Practice deep breathing technics. Do box breathing to combat anxiety - Get your friends to do it with you. No room for your timeout or rest? Take some me time in the washroom. Go sit in the stall put on your eye mask plug in your head phones. You can also go sit in your car untill you feel better then go back, or ask for company if you need it.

4 - Think pro active if you can. How have other outings gone? How did you cope? What worked? What needs improvement? Plan on that.

5 - Prepare topics that you would like to talk about. Write a few coaching words or topics in your phone. Since my brain injury conversation is problematic for me for many reasons. So here's a chance to improve my communication skills. Everyone is out for fun, your not being judge in this scenario. It's bound to be interesting and different than our usual day to day events. No expectations here except to have a good time. Don't worry if you forget to get to the point, the conversation will turn. If it's hard to follow conversations listen to only one person talking. Seek out quieter environs for conversations. Sometimes I like just listening too. I miss parts of the conversation that's normal for me, there's no point in being upset about it. My balance is terrible so I need to be careful because its so easy to fall too. Sure it can be embarrassing, screw it, I'm ok move on.!!!! It's beyond me, so there's no point in being embarrassed. What were we talking about, again? I find that fascinating etc. Put the emphasis on other people rather than on yourself. It's a perfect time to leave your struggles and worries behind. Remember to ask questions and feel free to interject how you would deal or cope. Forgot something? Said the wrong thing because of misunderstandings? No worries, this is you, they either get it or don't and it's all good.

6 - How to answer the worst question anyone could ask you. How are you? Such a loaded question. This is not the time or place to really tell people about your ordeal or how your doing. The perfect answer is I'm managing and how about you? Your out, appreciate it, savor it and manage it. Save the heart to heart for your close friends, not for socializing. If they are really curious and positive people agree to get together and hang out.

7 - Your starting to get tiered, that's the red flag, time to go. Say no if people urge you to stay. We need to respect our pain and boundaries today so that we can function tomorrow. When you've had enough say thank you, nice talking and excuse me, see you later or nice seeing you, say your good byes and go.

So I chose 1 event to go to this month and its a New Years music jam party at the restaurant that I jam at. I want to perform, sing and play guitar. I'll need all the energy I can get.

7 - Rest Up

So it's gonna be loud, lots of lights, got my bling sunglasses and ear plugs ready. I will be managing my energy very closely days before as well, while I practice my set list and rest. I will be napping before the outing or at least resting and meditating, so I can be at my best for the occasion. Take out your outfit days before try it on and so on. Be comfortable, don't wear your gorgeous high heel unless you brings some flats too, it's unrealistic for me to be in high heels for more than 1-2 hours. Make necessary planing changes for this outing, so you won't be hesitant the next time to take offers to go somewhere. You'll be well prepared and rested.

8 - Plan for lots of time to get ready. Stress creeps in easily for us. Make sure you leave plenty of time to get ready. I don't know about you but I don't do anything fast. 1 speed only, slow. And yet I can sing and play a fast song how weird is that?

The point is to enjoy your outing as stress free as possible while managing your energy. If you like to dance do just a bit. I suggest to sit out most of it if you want to See the ball drop, no point in exhausting yourself completely. If it's your jam, then you go, go go!!!

9 -Just say no, maybe another time.

Do not commit to more than you can possibly handel. Pick 1 event that you really want to go to this holiday season. Commit only to that. If your peeps are looking to connect with you, suggest a get together at your place or somewhere in the middle or an outing thats mutually beneficial. Like a walk outside to go get some hot chocolate. A spa date, a trip to the gym, go for a swim. Meet up for coffee.

As someone with Fibro or Cfs etc. Eating healthy is very important to us. I suggest bring enough of your favorite treat when out and about. Got allergies bring your own meal if you must. Human interaction is especially important for us. We need a whole tribe for this thing to get better. We tend to self isolate all the time due to pain and emotional issues. Your pain is important to me and others. It's not healthy for us to be in a dark room all the time. Humans are social creatures. We do need to take some responsibility of walking the path of better health whenever we can. Push yourself but only a little bit, don't overwhelm or undermine yourself in any way. No promises or commitments or anything that doesn't jive with you right now. Do what feels natural and comfortable that just pushes your boundaries just a little. Be conscious of managing your energy better so we can have a better day tomorrow too.

10- Have fun! Do feel great that you can get out! Be humble, if you can't and don't worry you missed this event there will always others. Take your time to heal, you'll make it to another one, when you're up too it. There's lots of people who can't get out during holidays, it's all too much. I say do something special for yourself. Book a massage, order in a meal. Treat yourself to some dark truffle chocolates.

Enjoy responsibly wherever your at!

[confinesofmy]

big time oversharing tonight lads. i don't really know what to do about it but i got on adderall 6 months ago, it's the wrong dose or the wrong medication i may never know at this point, but doctor google says the dose titration that is going to take me two years is supposed to take maybe a couple months and my doctor says she "has to do it this way bc it's state law" but the first script she gave me was for 20mg xr so that's clearly not true and now i'm currently on 7.5mg twice/day with an increase to my original dose scheduled for three months from now and i just.

like, she's very clearly fucking with me but i have no idea why and she lowkey gaslights me when i bring it up. i want to change doctors but i have no idea what i'm supposed to tell them. "my last doctor was crazy, please give me more meth" like.... 😑

this is a real rock and a hard place bc i've basically been unmedicated for a year and i have got to get more normaler right fucking now but also i cannot spend 2 years microdosing and waiting for my meds to kick in so i can tell if they even fucking work. i don't know how to get out of this. it doesn't make much of a difference what the answer is but all i can think is why is she doing this to me.

edit: lol i finally read the nih adhd treatment plan article and uhhhh if it is to be believed (it's old) and if i read it correctly i think she started me out on quadruple the suggested xr starting dose and has been trying to avoid telling me that she did this ever since while i feel progressively more crazy that she wants to take things slow all of a sudden. this is not helpful information for my decision-making process and does not explain why the titration is being done so miserably slowly now but i do think it's kind of funny. i have got to get a new doctor.

[halsteadsass]

I think it depends on how these last few rounds play out, but I think Deshawn can beat Heather and Danny, and possibly Erika. Heather doesn't seem to be respected by most of the players left, and I think has only been taken this far to be brought to the F3 and get no votes. I think in the Deshawn and Danny partnership, I think the jury might perceive Deshawn as having had more agency and being purposefully strategic, and while I think Erika's been playing a good game, the trend of women getting to the end and having their accomplishments downplayed by the jury in favor of the male player is still a very real thing.

I didn't like the twist either. I agree that it took the game out of the players' hands and I don't like that Survivor is veering into this territory of having elimination rounds that aren't decided by votes. It feels like they're trying to make the show be more like The Challenge by throwing in "purge" rounds, but Survivor is supposed to be a social game. There's no way to strategize or socialize your way out of a game of chance. If Deshawn had to complete some kind of task, like making fire or something in a certain amount of time, I maybe would've liked it slightly more because there's nothing compelling about watching somebody pick a box at random, but it still wouldn't have been as good as just having them vote from the beginning.

Haha, sooo I actually do watch CPD (sort of). I watch a lot of shows similar to 9-1-1, I'm just not very active in the fandoms, so when I saw your username I knew we were going to get along 😂 I've watched all of Fire and then all of Med, plus the crossover episodes, and on Wednesday nights I'll watch PD after Fire if the episode description sounds interesting, so I know all the characters and I'm semi-up to date on what's going on. I'm working on watching PD all the way through from the beginning for the first time, but I'm just being very slow about it. I reserve the right to change my mind when I'm done, but my favorites are probably Burgess, Atwater and Jay. Although you really can't go wrong with anybody. I think out of all three Chicago shows, PD has the strongest overall characters.

I am totally late in replying to this and I apologize for that!

I shouldn't have laughed at the heather bit, but its true. They know they can beat her and will drag her along for the sake of it. I can see her just making it the final three on the basis of the remaining players wanting to take each other out first. I forget that she still active in the game 100% of the time. She hasn't done one thing all season to make her memorable.

I love the challenge but I do not want to see that show's style be integrated into Survivor. I think a lot of what is happening is that reality shows feel the need to try and update their show with these twists to pull in new viewers but it ends up isolating the old ones. Most of the old viewers like the authentic style of survivor. None of us need these twists to still enjoy the show. The players and their gameplay are what keep people invested. Sadly, I don't think this will be the last of the twists we see from future survivor seasons. Speaking of future survivor seasons, I cannot believe tomorrow is the finale? Where did this season even go? It flew by way too fast for my liking lol. Being cautious since I don't know if you watched last week's episode considering I only was able to watch it today, I think the top three is looking very strong in my opinion. No matter who sits for it, it will be a battle.

I seem to only be active in three fandoms right now and that is 911, cpd, and the rookie. I do watch all of the chicago shows. CPD has always been my favorite and continues to outshine the others quite frankly. CF used to be really strong and somewhere along the way I lost a lot of interest and it was only on my tv because it's sandwiched between MED and CPD. Now that my man Brett Dalton is on there, I started paying attention again lol. Those are all good choices in character favorites. If I was going based off s1-4, my favorites would have been jay and erin. S5-9, its still Jay (he'll always be my number one), hailey and adam. Adam grew on me so much and I love his recklessness as much as I love the heart he puts into everything whether its good or bad. I think its fair to say that the fandom as a whole agrees that we sure do need more of Kevin!!!