#I think it’s extremely toxic this is so popularly pushed

[borderlinereminders]

my friend is telling me that i shouldnt trust my partner because we don't go through each others phones and that it's normal for couples to have a policy that they can go through each others phone freely. do you have something like that with your partner? i ask you because i've seen you talk about the relationship and it seems so healthy from what you've said

My husband and I have each other's phone passwords, but we don't use them to go through each other's phones. There are times when I need him to use my phone or he needs to use it, or vice versa for whatever reason, and we are able to do that.

But neither he nor I go through each other's phones. Partly because I believe that trust is an important thing for our relationship, and feeling a need to go through would encourage a lot of bad habits and feelings I've worked to recover from.

The main reason though is I believe my friends deserve privacy. They tell me things in confidence, and sometimes they want it to be just between us. And I think that's okay. My relationships with my friends exist outside of my relationship with my husband. We aren't one person.

I don't think people are "wrong" if they have different policies in their relationships, as long as everyone is happy and on the same page and hasn't been coerced or guilted into agreeing. But if it is a thing where you go through each other's conversations, I hope that the people you are talking to know of this. I don't necessarily think it's wrong to do but I think that the friends and people confiding in you have a right to know so they can decide whether to share it with the understanding it might not be just between you and them.

My understanding with my friends is unless they tell me otherwise, it's fair game to tell my husband. And I do keep him updated on my best friend's life because he cares but there has been the odd time she's asked for me not to tell him something for whatever reason, and I respect that. And when he asks what's up and I tell him that it's between her and me, he respects that.

TLDR: We don't have this as a policy, but we trust each other with our passwords and part of that trust is trusting the other not to go through the phone. I think that it's up to a couple what works for them, and your friend doesn't get to tell you that you're doing it wrong or what's "normal."

[aronarchy]

t.erfs (derogatory)

genuinely so fucking tired of (reactionaries online in general) pulling out the “getting panic attacks over making phone calls = they’re so weak & funny haha” (& then especially these ppl claiming to be “feminists” but can’t extend feminist analyses enough to deconstruct their strength worship/support of weakness-as-deserving-of-mockery) and also people who “get panic attacks over making phone calls” ARE USUALLY SEVERELY TRAUMATIZED AND THAT IS USUALLY A SYMPTOM OF SIGNIFICANT TRAUMA/A HISTORY OF ABUSE and the people who are in most need of lethally violent resistance to their abusers/oppressors are people who are extremely vulnerable & “weak” & struggling & have been massively disempowered on a broad societal scale and you cannot make any form of Strongman (or strongwoman, ahem) posturing truly supportive of survivors

(i do know people with Extremely Severe & popularly mocked mental illness/trauma symptoms whom i would consider also capable of killing if push really came to shove - but that’s not really something i’d ever support turning into some sort of badge of honor/valor/deservingness or whatever, a lot of this is a result of necessity/desperation being pushed to the edge but also i’m not really interested in recreating ableist standards of moral judgment in any form and the results of that creeping into movements tends to be v. toxic & dangerous)

(if OP applied this same sneering fakeclaiming rhetoric abt suicide to i.e. “cis women/girls always claiming they’ve considered/attempted suicide bc of misogynistic oppression”/“wow look they’re all ~spiraling out~ over ~mild~ misogynistic microaggressions/coercive redefinitions of their selfhoods all the time how cringe”/“silly hysterical females who think they’re tough/threatening/scary but they’re actually super weak & couldn’t possibly fight against us” it would be obvious that these are all just reskinned mra-type/patriarchal framings and incredibly shitty)

(love the (other) casually ableist/bigoted terminology in tags too /s)

(and ofc whole take is fucking bold when trans ppl are more vulnerable to sexual violence than cis fems & are even less supported as victims/survivors & are even more despised & targeted by patriarchy shut up already honestly)

(we’ll take all the cringe & anxiety-ridden & visibly-disabled & weak & incapable & vulnerable & suicidal & defeated survivors u cast out bc ability to appear Superior and Tough should not be an entry ticket u pay for healing & safety)