#I think cis people tend to think it's like. Flattering or something? To say shit like oh but you're different from Regular Men

[justonefeather]

Being transmasc is wanting to be considered one of the guys vs not wanting to be lumped into the same category as guys who act like *That*.... Like I get that a whole lot of cis guys are shitty because, if you can believe it, I too have to interact with people like that.. but that behavior is not limited to cis men. It never has been. And it sucks to be in a space in life where people feel comfortable saying to you "ugh all men suck but not YOU, you don't count [because I don't see you as male]" like oh boy tell me more about how you consider nbs and trans men to also be women 🙄

[bullet-farmer]

Okay, I’m having a horrible mental-health day and feel overwhelmed by work, and talking about something that’s been bothering me really feels liberating. Because I feel like it’s one thing I can control right now.

Please don’t reblog this or tag it. I don’t want this to become Discourse, especially in an awesome fandom. But I needed to get this out in a space where people I trust can reply if they wish. I’m fine with disagreement and discussion, as long as people respect my feelings, or ask for clarification if they don’t understand what I’m talking about.

This got long. And it’s about pronouns. And fictional characters. And idk.

Another thing that kind of bothers me about assuming they/them or ze/zir for Beelzebub’s pronouns, and why I’m using both less and less*: I’m really uncomfortable with how few authors do the same for any other character (save, of course, for Pollution, whose pronouns are clearly mentioned as they/them and really should be used exclusively, because that’s just the decent thing to do).  Of course, some people use they/them across the board, or pronouns other than she/her and he/him in any combination. But in my experience, authors who do this are quite rare, at least on Ao3. In most cases, I find authors using “gendered” (for lack of a better word) pronouns for everyone else--namely, those that (presumably) match the gender of the actor who plays each role. For example: she/her for Michael and Dagon, and he/him for Hastur and Gabriel. 

I don’t want to make assumptions about why people do this. For one thing, making sweeping generalizations about people is always a bad idea. It’s even a worse idea when talking about why a group as diverse as fanfic authors. For another, I don’t know what is in people’s hearts or minds, and I’d rather not try to arbitrate any thoughts but my own. That said, in the West, we are swimming in a sea of gender essentialism and binarism. And I can’t help but feel that both are somehow in play in this phenomenon.

Angels and demons in Good Omens are nonbinary. But from a binarist point of view, you could say that nearly all of the angels and demons have at least a few stereotypical masculine or feminine qualities. For example: Michael wears makeup, and a very frilly blouse at one point; Michael’s suit and Uriel’s have what we would call a feminine cut. Dagon has long hair in a style we would call feminine, Sandalphon has male-pattern baldness, Hastur has a deep voice and wears “masculine” clothes, etc. 

But Beelzebub breaks this pattern. She’s what people in the West tend to think of when they hear the term “androgynous”: somewhat boyish and youthful in appearance, dressing in typically “masculine” clothes that don’t emphasize her shape, and behaving in a way that many would call more masculine than feminine. To put it another way, she is aggressive, she speaks forcefully, she shows no hallmarks of being a queen or princess, and she entirely lacks subtlety. Women, of course, are socialized to do the exact opposite. Save for her appearance at the airfield, she is also far more unkempt than any character in the series with the possible exception of Hastur.  I’m beginning to see several problems as I go deeper into this deep dive.  First problem: the assumption that “nonbinary” means androgynous or genderless. And, as a subset of that problem, the assumption that androgynous and agender/genderless are synonymous, and that they/them and ze/zir are “genderless” pronouns. For some people, they very much are. For others, they are not. (For example, a blogger I follow identifies as a cis woman and uses both she/her and they/them).  Second problem: The fact that a character played by an actress simply must be agender or “not female” because said character is androgynous and behaves in stereotypically “masculine” ways.  Third problem: ...Why are we only insisting on they/them or ze/zir for the dirtiest, least conventionally attractive character in the show? I mean, being dirty and unkempt isn’t a stereotypically nonbinary trait, but considering how society sees women who don’t obsess over their looks as “not real women,” this has some very unfortunate implications to me. Fourth problem: Y’all, Neil didn’t say that Beelzebub would probably use they/them as pronouns. He said “zir” (and to be honest, I think that was him being witty rather than making an official statement). I understand that some people can uses these interchangeably to describe themselves, but they really aren’t interchangeable. And acting like they are, strikes me as basically saying “well, these are all nongendered pronouns, so just pick whichever you like best when talking about someone.” Imagine calling someone whose pronouns are they/them, “ze/zir” and thinking that isn’t misgendering or upsetting. I also don’t see posts that insist we respect any other character as nonbinary--particularly characters like, say, Hastur, Ligur, or Gabriel. (Perhaps I’m mistaken, but I really feel like people are even more hesitant to call more “masculine” characters nonbinary than they are Dagon, Michael, etc. Which also strikes me as having really unfortunate implications. But that’s a whole other post.) Or regular use of “Nonbinary Character” and “Canon Nonbinary Character” tags on AO3 for any other demon or angel.  All of this is really starting to get to me as a nonbinary/genderfluid person who absolutely does not see myself as agender or androgynous, even if people regularly describe my looks as “masculine” for reasons I’ll get into in a second. I’m genderfluid and nonbinary because I do not fully or consistently identify with the gender I was assigned at birth--and because I never have. While some days I feel fine with having society see me as a cis woman, some days I am deeply not okay with it--and am actually dysphoric because my body doesn’t look more stereotypically androgynous. However, when I realized that stereotypical androgyny is a concept that cisheterocentric society forces on nonbinary people--and DFAB people in particular--my dysphoria became a bit more manageable.  I also do not attend to my appearance. I have no interest in wearing makeup, flattering clothes, or even feminine ones. I wear skirts for comfort; I’ve always hated pants because of sensory issues, but if I didn’t, I’d probably wear a lot of “men’s” clothes. As it is, I wear T-shirts cut for men, rather than the fitted versions for women. And baggy clothes that men can get away with wearing, but women not so much. I don’t regularly style my hair despite having it long. I don’t shave any part of my body--which began upsetting people when I was twelve, y’all. Adults constantly bothered me about it, and about looking more feminine and stylish. I may be the only “girl” on the planet whose father encouraged her to wear shorter skirts and more flattering tops when she was in her early teens.

It really upset me, but at the time I had no language for why--other than that I felt pushed and harassed. Thankfully, people have since mostly cut that shit out, but when you deal with it as a child, it really leaves some scars and some gender confusion--a fact I only realized while typing this out! Of course, I don’t believe that any of these life choices inherently make anyone any particular gender. But society thinks differently. To it, I’m a failure as a woman, and when you add on the fact that I’m nearing forty, childfree, offbeat, clueless about ‘appropriate” interactions with men, and loud and messy because of ADHD, I’m labeled as even less of a woman. I would have no problem with this if it didn’t come with the pejorative baggage. I have never been a girl or a woman, though I feel I share enough in common with this gender to be comfortable having it be part of my identity to some degree. Even as a child, I felt this but I had no name for it because no one was talking about trans issues in a conservative red state in the 80s and 90s, and they sure as fuck wouldn’t have done it around kids. I didn’t even hear the word “nonbinary” until the early 2010s.  All of this also means that I don’t get many characters or images that represent me. Again, media portrayals of people like me (DFAB and not consistently woman-identifying) are so rare that Beelzebub is the ONLY one I have found in my adult life who isn’t, you know, the butt of a joke about viragos and lesbians who are too ugly to get a man, and “undateables.” So having people insist that using she/her is somehow misgendering is...well, I get that it’s not directed at me. That it isn’t about me personally. That it isn’t meant to hurt me. That it is a lot of nonbinary people and genderfluid people talking about their own experiences. I know all of that, and I don’t begrudge people their feelings. But it still kind of hurts when they disapprove of disagreement. And it makes me worry that fewer people will read my fic, and may accuse me of misgendering if they do, even if I always “warn” for pronouns. I’m even hesitant to make posts like this or to refer to Beelzebub as she/her in casual conversation. Which, well...kind of makes me feel like I do in life. Almost no one but my therapists knows I’m not cis, because I don’t think I could explain it to them without causing confusion and some distress. Which I don’t want to cause and don’t have the spoons to deal with, especially when my own gender issues are so complicated and unclear even to me.

I also just don’t have the spoons to deal with people for assuming I’m a cis, straight girl writing a hetero relationship when I use she/her in most of my Beelzefic. And to be honest, I’m just sort of hurt at the inconsistency around pronouns and the issues said inconsistency raise for me. 

I mean, like I said, I know this isn’t personal, and I do my best to keep that in mind. But I don’t like having to hold my thoughts in because they might upset other genderfluid and nonbinary people.** I have to do that enough in my life already as a queer person, and as a mentally ill person whose feelings are not always appropriate to the situation. Having to hold them in here, too, feels really unfair and frustrating to me, and kind of like I can’t be myself even in LGBTQ+ spaces. so... tl;dr  Use whatever pronouns for Beelzebub you like, or no pronouns at all. I am not the pronoun police, and I would never tell anyone what to do with their writing. But please don’t accuse people of misgendering if they do otherwise, or mistreat them if they do, or make assumptions about them or their reasons. You don’t know who they are or what experience they’re writing from, just as they don’t know who you are and your experiences. I guess that’s it. thank you. 

* Yes, I am aware of what Neil said on the subject. I’m genderfluid and allowed to disagree and to present an alternate view. ** I really don’t care too much about cisgender folks’ opinions on this issue. I’m sorry, but I don’t. Especially when cisgender people opine about what pronouns we should use for a character. I’m glad that they’re concerned and think they’re trying admirably to be good allies, but this really is an in-house and stay-in-your-lane issue. 

[i8909]

8 Months on T

so i have been absent from tumblr for a while so id thought id give an update on everything i have experienced on t. i’m just gonna kinda start from the emotions then go onto body. I am 8 months on t. I do IM shots every 2 weeks

emotions: for the first id say 3 months i went through this weird period where i started feeling emotions differently. where as before when i got irritated or angry it wasn't something i felt in my body. now when i get angry it's like i can feel my blood pressure going up and i tend to stay angry or irritated longer. i’m more likely to feel emotions in my body more than i was before if that makes sense. other then that i stayed the same. i feel more calm now and more confident now that i am on hormones and i am being seen as me more. i am less depressed and less anxious and my mental health has gone way up.i’m happier and less jealous at people who have cis-gendered bodies. oh and my sex drive is literally through the roof. no joke. my fiance wants to kill me because she says  i act like a 13 year old boy with how much i need sex lol

Physical: so first let me start by saying my first puberty was awful and not just because i was going through what i felt was the wrong puberty. my acne was out of this world bad(i had to take antibiotics my dermatologist prescribed me to clear up the breakouts and even then it didn't get rid of most of the acne i had) and so with starting hrt i was nervous that i would have to go through hell for at least a good 2 years which i was willing to do i just wasn't looking forward to the acne and body aches. but surprisingly this 8 months on t has been going better then i thought it would. so i'll break it down in categories of what has changed

hair: there is hair EVERYWHERE. Like apart from my back, thank god, i look like a bear. I was excited about growing things like a happy trail but i can't really tell what is happy trail and what is belly hair at this point lol i have a decent amount of facial hair. Like dark hair. Not just a mustache but a beard too and while it's still thin and you can see skin underneath its there and you can see it to the point that i need to shave. The hair on my head had grown in a more male pattern but i must have good hair genes because my hair hasn't started balding like so many trans men go through. Though my legs are growing hair weird in that on the front of my calves and knees i have tons but on the sides it's just starting to grow in. my thighs are also just starting to grow dense hair but my hair on my legs has always been weird where it grows in some areas and stays smooth in others.

Body/face: so my body fat has actually just started shifting and i have noticed my stomach becoming more flat, still chubby, but less rounded. My hips have also started to go away. My legs have really shed fat and while there is still some fat there i can tell where the muscle starts on my thighs. Now i do weight lift and am doing a lean bulk right now so i have been putting on muscle which has always been easy for me. But i have noticed it's easier for me to reach new PR’s and when i begrudgingly do cardio it's easier for me to go for longer times than before t. I very much look like i'm on my way to looking like a power-lifter with definite muscles but not shredded and still on the stocky side which is better than before where i had hips and more feminine thighs. Also my chest has gotten flatter and easier to bind. Its not smaller per say but i'll take it looking flatter to it getting smaller rather than my chest staying the same. Also i grew an inch which is strange since i'm 22 and haven't grow since 8th grade. My shoulders have broadened and the roundness in my face has leaned out. and while i have acne, its nowhere near as bad as i had before. i actually thing my acne has cleared up a bit since starting t. also my face isn't as oily as i thought it would be but still i am following a strict face regiment so that if it does start to break out it wont be so bad. Each day i like my body a little more.

bottom growth: this is the only thing i really don't like and that's because i haven't gotten a lot of bottom growth. Maybe half an inch. My doctor say this could just take longer or it could be genetics. I know i could try to use dht but with so many men saying that they lose hair after using it, i'd rather just wait it out. Plus i pack and i really don't find that i think about it most of the time because i pack. Yes when i focus on that part of my transition i am not happy with it but when i look at the big picture and all the other changes, it doesn't bother me. It might have more if i didn't pack.

Voice: so my voice has been gradually dropping since around 4 months. First it started with my singing voice dropping and i was able to hit the lower male pitches but my talking voice seem to stay the same. Around 6 months my throat started to hurt almost everyday and i was chugging water to keep it hydrated. Now at 8 months the cracking and squeaking is in full swing and my voice sounds like a rough version of a cali surfer dude lol but i am sir a lot more so i am more than ok with cracking if it makes people call me the right pronouns!

Appetite: i am never not hungry. Literally i am hungry right now as i write this. I have tried to help this and to make sure i don't over eat or under eat by making my lunches every Sunday so all i have to do is reach into the fridge and grab it. Also i drink a protein smoothie every morning for breakfast and for dinner i eat only turkey, chicken, or fish with a veggie side and a whole grain carb side. For snacks i try to eat oatmeal or Greek yogurt or a quest bar. This has really helped curb my hunger and make sure i'm not eating shit and not just eating anything i can get my hands on. Knowing what i eat everyday helps keep me healthy.

Other then those changes i can't think of any more. If you have questions about anything just ask, i'll try to answer everything i can!