#I still miss the Mid-80's Z-Morning Zoo

[icarusthelunarguard]

This Week’s Horrible-Scopes

(Sorry I’m running a little late this week)

It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. It really doesn’t matter.

Aries 

You need a moment of musical W-T-F this week. Go find your copy of 1994’s album, “Out in L.A.” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and put on “Flea Fly”. It’s only 40 seconds long, sounds like it was recorded with a couple of Radio Shack Hi-Ball Mics on Irish-Brand Cassettes tapes… but you’re still going to have your face scrunched up while wondering what the HELL did you just listen to! 

Taurus 

There are lots of musical groups out there with pretentiously long songs, or pretentiously long song titles. You don’t have to be that way in business. If you have a business card, have it turned sideways and see if your information still fits without wrapping. Regardless, do that anyway. If people still use Rolodex filers, they’ll just punch holes in the bottom, cutting off important information. Invest in new business cards anyway.

Gemini   

Time to learn some Film History! In the Silent Era, movies were usually delivered at 16 frames per second. Once sound was delivered on the film itself, 24 frames became the norm because that was the lowest rate you could get good audio out of the machine. That’d been the standard for nearly a century - including all those cartoons you remember like the Warner Brothers’ stuff. Well, someone took 3 minutes of a Tom and Jerry cartoon and upscaled it from 24 to 60 frames per second. We’re warning you now: just because you CAN upscale something doesn’t mean you SHOULD! You have some old stuff - leave it alone!

Cancer Moon-Child 

Today we think of the term “Pixel” as a relatively new thing. Maybe from the start of digital monitors in the 90’s? Nope. Maybe the 70’s and the SONY Trinitron color TV’s? Still no. "Bildpunkt", the German word for, literally, 'picture point', was used in the 1888 German patent of Paul Nipkow for a Mechanical Television. Yeah; the term “Pixel” predates an actual functional electronic display as we know it. This week, learn some more German terms.

Leo 

Your dreams are going to be stranger than normal this week. Set a pen and paper next to your bed and plan on writing things down quickly. You could also get a sound-activated sleep recorder for your phone; not that that isn’t a creepy idea, though. Some great ideas come to us at night; embrace your subconscious!

Virgo 

This week we’re telling you what to do first: go online and find an older cell phone, like the Samsung S5; specifically something with an Infrared port on it. You’re going to be visiting folks, have dinner in a restaurant, and the TVs will be tuned to a local Sports-Ball game… and it’s YOUR job to use your new device to turn off the TVs at the most inopportune moment! Because this week, you’re on a mission from god; specifically the Great God Murphy. Glory Be his angst.

Libra 

You want to be self-reliant, but there are some jobs better done by several people instead of just one. This week identify the job, enlist assistance, and get a large Sicilian Meatball Pizza delivered to thank people with. Why Sicialian specifically? There won’t be any Pizza Bones left at the end. 

Scorpio 

You remember the song, “Baker Street” from 1978 by Gerry Rafferty? Something you might not have known - he wasn’t, LEGALLY, allowed to release any music for three years before then. He was part of Stealers Wheel, the group that performed "Stuck in the Middle with You". Well, Stealers Wheel broke up in ‘75, and for THREE SOLID YEARS Gerry was fighting his way out of the contract with their music label, A&M. So whenever people remind you that The Internet is The Great Equalizer for talented people, believe them!  

Sagittarius 

You’re right - toys aren’t built the way they used to be anymore. They don’t have lead in the paint, fabric-wrapped electrical plugs, ungrounded heating elements, and they sure-as-hell don’t have skull-impaling aerial daggers being sold anymore. The only toys you can still depend on are Tonka! You can STILL beat someone into a coma with them. –NOT THAT YOU SHOULD DO THAT!  

Capricorn 

Color-blindness isn’t what you think it is. That’s why you’re not an Opthamologist. Centrifugal Force isn’t what you think it is. That’s why you’re not working at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory for NASA. And lastly you don’t understand that on movie credits, the Best Boy might be the Best Girl - neither of which would be a minor. This week, actually read the credits at the end of a movie for once.   

Aquarius 

We don’t mean to pick on you, Aquarius. Really! It’s just that you’re the youngest sibling in the Astrological group. Yes, Pisces is next and actually last, but they’re hooked up with the Mafia. Do you really want us to piss THEM off over you? HELL no! So this week… Uhm… How about this: The last open weekends are happening for amusement parks before Halloween. Take in a roller coaster before it all shuts down.

Pisces 

Time to kill you with My Little Pony trivia. In Today I Learned… Equestria was breaking the Geneva Conventions and was told to cut it out! Apparently the symbol we all associate with “Health” and medical stuff, the Red Cross on a White Background is actually internationally reserved for the Red Cross. In Friendship is Magic Nurse Redheart’s cutie mark was a white hide with a red cross with four pink hearts in each corner; enough for the Red Cross to get in contact and get the mark changed. So, yeah! My Little Geneva Convention.

And THOSE are your Hobble-Scopes for this week! Remember if you liked what you got, we’re obviously not working hard enough at these. BUT! If you want a better or nastier one for your own sign or someone else’s, all you need to do to bribe me is just Let Me Know! These will be posted online at the end of each week via Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook and Discord.