#I stg they can't make me relate more to Stede Bonnet

[candied-cae]

One of my favorite things about watching Ed and Stede fall in love, is how clearly we see the consequences of their lives effecting how they are able to perceive their own feelings.

Where Ed was shown bad examples of love, Stede was shown nothing at all. When Ed was shown freedom, Stede was still trapped. But when Ed found himself caged, Stede found his way out. And all those things shaped how they realized they were in love.

On one hand, we have Ed.

His first exposure to "love" is his mother's abuse at the hands of his father, that at a young age he felt he carried the responsibility to end. It paints it bad: Even if there was once love there, it withered and died until it became violent, or perhaps there was never love and it was just the thing adults did because that's the world we live in, you get married and hate each other because what else are you going to do to pass the time?

So he runs off, becomes a pirate at a young age, rebelling against society and its expectations, and its rules, and its nuclear families. Fuck them all, Edward Teach doesn't need any of it. And in his new life, he finds power and control over what happens to him for probably the first time. He's good at piracy, he has tense companionships, earns respect, and it's fun. It's new and different from the mainland life.

And then he get's used to it, and suddenly it's just another trap again. It's not the same game as the land fairing people of the world, a different charade, yet still one he has to play just because the world says so. Maybe he didn't get married, but he's got this nickname and reputation and now he had to fill its role. All these expectations he tried to avoid, but he just created new ones. And it's probably somewhere in here, that even if he had let himself believe he could love and be loved, that he lost it again. Such a thing surely wasn't real, people just lie and pretend they loved each other because that's just what you do.

But then he finds Stede. This crazy, weird, fantastic guy who just isn't doing it like anyone else. He is doing what he wants just because he wants and there's no one's stopping him. And it's beautiful and refreshing to see that freedom, after all his years had made him jaded. And at first it was just fun, really exciting and wild and thrilling and joyful, but it was just fun. Something to fill that void of boredom.

Then he really falls. When Stede tucks that silk into his pocket and tells him he wears fine things well. When he really sees everything that Stede is and it's amazing. He's so undoubtably his own person, unwilling to bend to the ways the world wants him to be. He is in open rebellion to society in every way, and in every move he makes he heals a little bit of Edward's broken heart. He gingerly holds it in his hands and assures him that he is worthy of sweetness and finery. And when Ed loves Stede, it's entirely its own feeling. So different from his parents, his crew, his companions. It's just something new to the world that it's never seen before, and it's all his. It's so powerful and beautiful, and he's willing to die or give up any other freedom he has for it. That love meant too much to lose. So when he kisses him, it's his unabashed, unafraid, leap of faith into love's embrace.

And on the other side, there is Stede.

His father's love to him did not exist. All their interactions were cold and dripping with hate. His father hated him. Hated his softness and his hope and all that made Stede himself. And he had no one else to turn to. In school, with the other boys his age, he was hated exactly the same. Tormented and abused in the name of asserting superiority over him. Ripping him to bits for daring to love flowers.

He never had family love, he never had friendly love, and when the topic of romance was finally brought up, he was told he got none of that either. His entire life was a series of business transactions the rich would move around as they organized themselves in their hierarchy. And so he did his job in it. He was "baby Bonnet" so other boys could be better that him, and he was "Mr. Bonnet" so he and Mary could combine their families wealth.

Then he ran away. When he could no longer stand all these different roles he served for everyone but himself, he ran away. And he was only on the waters for less than a year. That was not enough time for him to even begin to understand love. He tried his best, he did have such a large heart despite his life. He showered his crew with respect and gentle understanding, giving to them all the love he held, wanting not just his dreams of piracy, but companionship for the first time in his life. Of course it was strained, he had a lot to learn before they could really bond.

So when he meets Ed, he's almost entirely entranced by his first friend. Someone who is actively enjoying every single thing about him. Every ridiculous character quirk, all his strange priorities, the way he caries himself, his humor - all of it is beloved by Ed. For the first time in all his life, he has someone who actually likes his personality. He was falling in love, but he had no idea that wasn't just how friendship felt. The prospect of companionship was something so foreign to him. All of his love was genuine, just vastly underestimated by himself who couldn't place the name of all the feelings he now carried.

Even when Ed kisses him, he knows he likes Ed, he knows Ed is his favorite person in the whole world, he knows he liked the kiss. But he still wasn't sure how serious it was. Still couldn't be sure it wasn't just a best friendship. It was only when Mary walked him through it would he admit to himself that it was real. It was actually love.

What all those kids did to him, what his father told him before he met Mary, all the times he has felt like an outsider to his own heart: none of it mattered. Despite all of it telling him that he would never get love, he went out and found it. And now that he knows it, he's going to fight like hell to get back to Ed so he can enjoy it.

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