#I should've. saved up over 2019. made money with commissions worked myself to the bone with that
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maybe my earlier outburst was more indicative of my mood
#I want to fucking die that's all#I'm ending my fourth year of studies. in a two-year degree. and I'm still doing first-year subjects.#and I never actually wanted to study in the first place I'm literally only doing it for the money#$366 a fortnight plus the measly five bucks they add on top as 'rental assistance' in a state I don't live in#not that I'm complaining about that mind you $5 is $5#but I can't wait for the moment the cunts realise and bill me for ten times the amount because robodebt hasn't ended it's just#rebranded.#I nearly became the only male in my family over the last few months and honestly it's killing me that I can't be seen as that if it were so#and i know it's selfish to say it because I know people have it far far worse but#genuinely lost any chance of being myself with covid being a thing.#lost any chance at running away I know I have some sort of stockholm syndrome even though ik that was a made-up term#I should've. saved up over 2019. made money with commissions worked myself to the bone with that#since school nearly killed me anyway#what's even changed since 2018! I still spend every day on my bed and get yelled at for I have nowhere else to go#I still get shamed for not eating what my grandmother wants. she still yells at me if I don't eat her cooking.#don't really want to be in the world to be honest.#if I'd just. left at the start of 2020. not taken my flight home that day. left to go somewhere else#I've wanted to run away and leave since I was thirteen for fuck's sake#not that i knew it. but#there's a common theme in my writing and it's the moment the character has to leave home. the start of the hero's journey.#but I don't have a hero's journey I'm not a character I'm a person who can't even. I can't even function half the time#if I'd just left and if I'd just focused on actually being good at things instead of pretending to keep up appearances#I should just let myself die. wouldn't that be better for literally everyone
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