#I should also finish the easy theory that I've shared in parts but we got a bit more of in the last episode/put it really together

[thelassoway]

Is this the weekend that I should finish my long TL theory....?

[dzpenumbra]

12/4/22

Today has been brutal. In the aftermath of yesterday's devastation, there was a very intense windstorm all night. I got about 3 hours of sleep. I kept freaking out that there was someone in my apartment. I didn't feel safe. I hate this shit, the night before I knew about the deadbolt not working and I didn't have a hard time sleeping. But after acute trauma... shit just changes. And today, I learned a lot about why.

Today, I learned about Polyvagal Theory. And it kinda fills in some blanks about stuff that I've been feeling around in the dark about. The whole anxiety/panic responses and how it ties into the nervous system and all that. I would highly advise checking this out - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zbx4Qa7QTkw - I found it very approachable, easy to understand and it helped me really categorize exactly where and why I get... crippled and stuck. It's definitely a cognitive thing, it's definitely responding to traumatic stimulus (triggers), it's definitely emotional, but... the missing piece... it's also a biological function. And the suggestions she put out in the video as ways to "climb the ladder" are really something I want to keep close at hand.

I spend a lot of time in Parasympathetic state, it's almost like my default state. I have been practicing like a damn monk to endure it, and kinda just weather the storm and try to revive myself. The whole part at the end about co-regulation is like... what I've really been begging people for for a long time. But mine is completely backwards, I'm constantly being exposed to the fears, paranoia, stress, projection and judgements of others, and it just... infects me at vulnerable times. It's doing the exact opposite thing it should be doing. No wonder I'm not healing right.

When I get to Dorsal Vagal... it's bad. I really don't like it.

I just wanted to share that, I'm really tired and kinda want to move on from that, just wanted to share my discovery. I wrote to my therapist for 4 hours this morning. I documented as much of the prior day as possible. I just needed to tell the story and get it out. It's really hard to talk about it, but it needed to be done. The damage done was too severe.

My mom connected with me and we made some sort of peace. I'm censoring myself to hold back details. But I have a plan with going back down to finish the last of the move. I just need a few pieces of furniture from the house. I'm going to throw a hail mary and pray that the construction dudes that are helping get rid of the ratty decade-plus-old busted furniture are going to be cool with disposing of the goat bones and not freak out. I specifically requested my mom let them know that I'm an artist and the "supplier" just gave me waaaaaay more than I needed. I'm still on the fence about bringing the skull up here. I guess I'll see how I feel on Monday. I told my mom that all of this figuring out transportation stuff... the only reason I expedited it was because I have a rental car up here and it costs her money, it was to save her money. I told her if she didn't care about the money, if it wasn't a big deal and this stress is worse, then we can just address it next week. So Monday I go down, get my furniture, do a once over to make sure I didn't forget anything. Tuesday the dudes come and take the shit to the dump and a person comes over to clean. Already told the landlords the plan, really nice to have an actual plan now and, as far as I can tell, everyone is on the same page.

Then... I called the emergency line about my apartment's deadbolt. The same woman who came over for my heat on the first night came to check it out, with some... friend of hers? Who knew about carpentry, I guess? He was right, I'll give him that. The door is set wrong, the frame might be warped. It looks like it's been like this a while, it makes me wonder how many people have lived here and just... not had their door locked. Which I guess is a very good omen for how safe the building is. I have never been this paranoid, I swear. Back in like 2016, I hopped on a plane and flew to Vegas without even a hotel room to stay at, I was just like "fuck it, I know a few people who are going to be out there from internet forums, I'll be fine." And I was! (Xanax helped with that, to be fair.) Now, I hear creaks in the floorboards and I think Jason fucking Voorhees decided to pay me a visit. It's obnoxious. But, like I said above, it's being stuck in a "threat is present" state and not being able to get my nervous system out of it. Because it's partially right, just not specifically right. It's how my PTSD manifests. And it sucks. And I have to calm myself down, while simultaneously freaking out, and it can be very confusing to know which voice to listen to when they're both yours.

So, basically, what's going on in my building is that you have to use a keyfob to get into the main buildings, the main buildings all connect, then you need a keyfob to get into unit doors. If I lock my door with the keyfob from the outside, it will disable the handle so it can't be used to unlatch the door, essentially locking it, and any potential intruder would be someone who lives here or was let in by someone. And they'd have to seek my apartment out specifically. But there are deadbolts too, which are locked from the inside, which I thought I was using, but it turns out I wasn't because since the door is set wrong... the deadbolt was just not latching. And I was just sleeping with the door completely unlocked, completely unaware for 2 nights.

Obviously this turned out fine. I'm just paranoid being alone in a city for the first time since like... 2007. And I was talking to this poor woman on 2 hours of sleep on a Saturday, hadn't showered, wearing a hoodie with no shirt. I was just... a mess. And it looks like it might be a big job, too. So, she made sure I was okay just doing the keyfob lock for now, which is how I would keep it locked if I left town too, so it should be fine. She's going to have the maintenance guys get back to me on Monday to check it out and see what they can do. And I'm going to immediately postpone because my cat will be left alone in the apartment for the first time without me, I will be 2.5 hours away and I'm not leaving her in a crate alone for 6+ hours. So... I will do my trip on Monday, and have them come by on Tuesday. That's my plan.

I got a ton of work done on my hoodie, the sleeve is about... 2/3 to 3/4 done now. A total of 5 overlapping mandalas and the crow centerpiece. I'll get some pictures when I get it wrapped up to share. Besides that, it's been me fighting viciously to keep myself from nodding off so I can get my cat her meds at 1AM, and since I'm past the threshold, I'm getting ready for bed. I need a damn break. Tomorrow is rest, recovery, fun and maybe plant shopping.

[flamebearrel]

Dinosaurchestra Commentary Liveblog

While I work on gathering some forms and finishing my dad's birthday card, let's go through the DSA text commentary! Don't know how much I can say about already behind-the-scenes stuff but it should be fun seeing if any of my theories get discussed

Want to mention that I have done one other commentary on this album before - that being on the titular trio of songs! Check that out if you so desire :)

Woah okay the text changes kind of fast I may need to pause more often than I expected

So he's talking about it specifically being the start of the Jurassic Era? Interesting he mentions it cause I'm pretty sure he pulls the mentioned dinosaurs from different eras

Alright well now he's calling it an "ALBUM of LIES" (capitalization transcribed verbatim). Guess that resolves that

"First musical reference to the cannibalism of children" 😳 is there more than one...

TYPO It's missing the word "of" in the sentence talking about the backwards loop.... (Don't mean to be rude/judging at all - I'm super prone to typos myself, and this is never something I'd call attention to when someone else does it in conversation; I simply get some kind of twisted joy from picking up on them in more professional things like textbooks or pamphlets)

I do have to wonder what other song the backwards loop is incorporated into, though, unless he just means parts 2 and 3

Yeah the junk drawer transitions!! They're so quick and snappy, I love love love the AMHB one lining up with the "I'm bad"

Real maracas :3 I have a box of little maracas and shaker instruments in my room

The first time I heard AMHB, the bridge's desynced stereo admittedly threw me off (but I've warmed up to it since). Glad to hear it was for a good reason though!

It's funny comparing how he describes the guitar solo vs. how he describes the recorder solos from I Earn My Life in Spirit Phone. It seems like they were a similar process but here he's like "It is Very Intricately Stitched Together" and for IEML he's like "Yeah I played two notes and then hit undo and did it again like six times"

NO THAT ENDING IS NOT HAPPY

But this sure is! The little "One, two, three, four"

Neil called attention to the hi-hats and 1. love that visual 2. I don't usually pay much attention to the drums unless I'm specifically trying to understand how they work for a song, so I'll probably do that for the rest of Fine now

Oh no keep talking about the songwriting nerdery it's good advice

The lyrics for this song in particular are really solid, especially the second verse - it ties up like multiple sayings and superstitions in a really effective and easy to understand way

Never heard anyone but my mom use the word "hifalutin" until now, but now I know it's not spelled "high-folluting" thank you

Is it just me or does the guitar during the breakdown do the kind of thing that Float On by Modest Mouse has too? And they're both kind of positive cheer-up songs! (Or maybe I'm just mishearing it. I'm not a guitarist, so this is all just assumption)

Telling you now, folks: when he says this next one is a song about mowin' the lawn, he MEANS IT

There's mini life stories in this one!! Cool!

Oh he got banned from actually doing it fsjdkfj better call the Lawn-Mowing Man amirite

I think I've also only mowed the lawn a couple times in my life? When we do landscaping I'm more of a tree-trimmer-weed-puller girl

...Okay, starting to think a few of these stories are exaggerated... only a couple though

My personal fun fact is that to me Lawnmower is the most B-tier song ever. I have this tier list I add to whenever I listen to a new LD song and this is right smack in the middle. Perhaps I'll share it sometime

Stuck time yay!!!!! The text segways into this one WONDERFULLY

There's enough distortion on the whistling for it to be hard to tell what it actually is, but if he didn't feel confident in his og performance then this is to good effect! Whistling is hard - the only reason I can at all is because in seventh grade I practiced for a week straight so I could do the Proto Man theme

Carlos?

CARLOS BETTY?

STUCK MAN SECRET NAME????????? CARLOS BETTY???!!??

Don't worry Neil a lot of people on the interwebs listen and skip this song. From what I've seen in various comment sections, anyway

This assortment of punctuation really accents the emotion here (Sorry, still reeling over Carlos Betty; I have got to draw something about that)

Y'all know what comes next!! The hype builds with the transition AAAND...

OLD GODZILLA WAS HOPPIN' AROUND TOKYO CITY LIKE A BIG PLAYGROUND

Ohhh so there is like trivia about how and why certain characters beat each other!! The Shaq and Aaron Carter fun facts are cool

"^_^" :D

Chuck Norris jokes were dying in 2006...? Maybe they just had a revival later on, but I swear I remember hearing those years later

Yes I've always interpreted the Vow of Silence guy as being really, really bad at actually keeping his vow. So it's cool that he mentions how much the song is just chattering on and on

"Of course... It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." Hm. Wise words

THIS IS ACTUALLY THE BEST USE OF THE TEXT FORMAT EVER HE FILLED IN THE MISSING "SILENCE"

...Sir I thought you said you were BAD at whistling?

I kind of assumed that the names mentioned in the song were film characters, but wasn't very familiar with 'em I lack culture, I'm sorry... at least him spelling everything out helps ring a few bells

There are absolutely constant sounds that come from yourself and that go ignored! Aren't there like those sensory blocking chambers that make you so much more aware of your own heartbeat and similar sounds, cause there's nothing else to hear? Terrifying yet awesome

"The point is... [memo to self: invent point]"

What makes Neverending Hum so memorable is definitely in part to Neil's version of scatting! I hope he goes over the different distortions he put throughout those sections too

Good to know Corey is good at critterizing :>

Okay, back to good 'ol DSA... Nothing really to say except that it's nice he identified those auxiliary instruments

And also why are the "las" written out like a question

Probably my favorite of the transitions here!! A little bit of bored whistling and clicking sticks together that suddenly just transforms into the actual percussion *chef's kiss*

I've always wondered what the bird tweets were. My guess was that he used something like this one toy I used to have: a little red bird-shaped whistle that you would put water into and it would warble in very similar fashion to this song

ALORA MENTION! She seems really cool

...Got caught up in the song and forgot to commentate for half of it. First of all the text alleviates a good chunk of the tension fsdhfjsh, second that's a very different way to imagine the IF than I've been picturing (which to me is sort of ladybug-esque)

But you said this was the album of lies and now you're saying it's true??? Make up your MIND sir!!

One never notices the backwards stuff until it's mentioned in the commentary... first with Cabinet Man, then here, with this sick guitar echo

WHAT DO YOU MENA BETTER THAN YANNI GRR GRR MY DAD SHOWED ME HIS SONGS AND THEY WERE NICE💔💔💔/lh

This is actually getting much longer than I expected, and we're only halfway (slightly over halfway to be precise; included Your Imaginary Friend here because the second half is longer than the first)... So I'll split this into two posts, and the second one will be linked here once it's up. See you then!

END OF 2021 EDIT: Soooo I ran out of motivation trying to finish this, my bad! Instead of a brand new post, right here is everything else I managed to jot down (from Archaeopteryx up to Indie Cindy).

Birds. Or as my dear sister likes to call them, birdups

So those three notes are supposed to be a doorbell sound? Huh, that makes sense. For some reason I was hearing more "elevator" than "doorbell"

I Can't Get No Aviation is a reference???? ...That does sound kind of familiar now that I think about it

Why does he meow in response to that statement

Those first few words lined up with the beats exactly, I love rhythm and timeliness <3 I always try to put a lot of focus on rhythm in my animatics (the vast majority of which exist only in my head)

"Now, the narrator snaps." Oooh this is like from an outsider's perspective now, time for the hidden lore

My family always used eyelashes for wishmaking too! Except our method involved holding the eyelash between two fingers, guessing which one it would stick to, and if you guessed right that meant your wish would come true

WHO IS PAUL.

"It never breaks back up again, of course" but the Lo-Fi Lullabies sure do

Well hey dude, your whistling was pretty good so I dunno what it says when you compare it to your humming

The lyrics of Eyewishes are actually really depressing... it's not one I listen to much, but it's a very sobering one

Don't have many thoughts on Bystanding, given it being just an extension of Eyewishes... except like DSA part 2, I like how he tries to point out all these instruments he uses and what he does to distort their sounds. It's kinda daunting thinking about how much you can do to make music, but this definitely helps quantify it a little

With rather inconsistent confidence huh? Hashtag #relateable 🤪🤪🤪

Oh wait, she never actually released it to anyone...? That actually makes it even sadder than what I thought before; I thought it had just gone unnoticed once she released it (Actually reminds me of the band I was in for a little while, that never got to play any gigs before COVID started and I moved away)

Heard the early version before and yeah this one is better

And the tier list I mentioned before, updated as of the end of 2021. Each tier is ordered as well:

[indecisive-v]

NINJAMUFFIN DOING ANOTHER AMA ON TWITTER, HERE'S MORE SHIT FOR YA! keep in mind i'm just sharing the funkin related stuff, though i am including WAAAAY more than what i shared before 👍 go check out ninja's twitter profile for questions about stuff like ritz! questions in blue, answers in orange. if yall don't wanna read everything i MIGHT make a version of this post where i replace the answers with my own summaries of em (and if the questions are long, those too)

and here's a link to the ama tweet itself! dunno if it's still goin

Q: I figure the answer will be yes but do you have more plans to implement more guest appearances from people in the newgrounds community into FNF? Or are you all gunna focus on OG lore and stuff going forward

A: for guest appearances, I think we have always seen it as getting a healthy mix of both. PERSONALLY I'd like to lean towards having more OG stuff than guest stuff, BUT it's all a matter of what other boys think of that as well. I'm not the sole person working on game!

Q: Are you gonna release the full FNF game or are you gonna be releasing week after week? Like, are you gonna release week 8 or are we gonna wait some years until The Full Ass Game comes out?

A: Release plan for FNF right now is a few more updates or whatev to the 'demo' we have out right now, and then a long silence of probably no updates whatsoever until the full game is done (which will likely be a few years). That's partly why we made kickstarter for game.

Q: Hey so like, how much will Fnf cost after it's finished? And when will you ask the supporters what they want the game on?

A: It's all subject to change, but right now it prob gonna be standard 15-25$ lil steam indie game.

We will ask Kickstarter pledgers and whatnot what they want the game on SUPER close to when its released, to keep options open if we get onto anything like a console people want.

Q: 1. how was your day

2. are you releasing a week 8 song early like week 7, or are you goin full lockdown

A: I am doing GOOD today, and I think recently I've been good in general.

up to the mood, but so far we doing good about not having anything leak or whatev, so I think it'd be fun to have update come out with people not knowing what to expect at all. Build dat intrigue

Q: Will fnf ever get official plushies?? Seems like an untapped market

A: FNF plushies will prob happen some point, we have a lot of current merch stuff on our plates already though! (Mostly kickstarter type stuff, shirts, pins, posters, and all the physical OST stuff) Its a lot to sort out, but in time more and more stuff will happen. We r jus 4 boys!

Q: did you ever expect your game to blow up as it did? what was your first reaction to seeing it become super popular

A: FNF never had a humble moment, literally day 1 before the prototype even came out, the vid on twitter had like 5K likes overnight. Then when ludum dare version came out, it got 5K likes again, like it wasnt just a fluke. Was crazy, and def felt like somethin was different wit FNF

Q: Do you plan on getting other people to come in to help with the music? That seems like a lot of work to dump on one person, what with the erect mode and whatnot.

I guess the question could apply to all aspects of development. Will you be bringing on more people to help?

A: We definitely are getting help from other people. We are always keeping an eye on people for various different things. In terms of programming, already I've gotten 2 people (MtH and Geokureli) to help with certain Week 7 stuff (charting/polish, and loading stuff). Shit like dat

Q: Oh, also, will the Steam version be Workshop compatible? That'd really help streamline the process of downloading mods.

A: Steam version of FNF will likely NOT be Steam workshop compatible, because we want all the mods to NOT be spread out through different places. There WILL be modding support that is as streamlined as Steam workshop though. Mainly for non-steam versions of the game!

Q: Are there any chances that the game will have a physical release? Also any updates on a switch port? I remember one of you guys talking/joking about it.

A: Not impossible for FNF to get a physical release. We would want to see how far we could go with it though. I think it'd be super easy to do something wit people like LimitedRun games or whatev, but I think stuff like that can only go so far. I wanna see Funkin in mf Walmart!!!!!!

not that LimitedRun isn't going to be an option! Just we consider and pursue many different things! FNF release is years away, so we have time to think about everything. Whole mindset can be different just a few months from now.

Q: Out of curiosity, how are you dealing with all the popularity? It blew up so fast id barely be able to handle it if I was in your shoes.

A: The only way I've been able to handle it is having the other boys on the crew and being able to talk to them about all the overwhelmingness.

Part of it feels very lonesome, feels like NO ONE can come close to comprehending exactly how I'm feeling, except them. also other PALS!!!

Q: Do you own any of the bootleg FNF merchandise? Like any bootleg plushies or anything?

A: i dont, i genuinely think they r a waste of money, and I know any bootleg shit that gets made, we can prob go about and make it, and make it 100x cooler because we actually put effort into shit. bootleg shit just in it for the coin, so they aint gettin that from me

Q: How did you go about getting in contact with sr pelo for skid and pumps vocals?

A: Pelo i think was familiar and pals wit PhantomArcade a bit thru various Newgrounds things and collabs and whatnot.

pelo retweeted the first OG FNF posts first ever, and brought a LOT of attention to it. to pay him back, we put skid and pump in game! ask dave for more info prob

Q: what's the plan for having the full ass game open source if it's gonna cost money? couldn't people just download the source and compile the game for free?

A: when FNF is fully released, the full source code will be released as well.

the game will be DRM free so it will be way easier for people to redistribute the released/offical .exe instead of compiling it, so that's not the issue anyways. people will pay for things if they like it

Q: What are the chances of it getting on consoles like switch or Playstation, ps5 would definitely be my preferred way to play

A: it'd be a matter of hiring someone to build out backend stuff for those specific consoles. someone who knows their way around all the wacky code stuff, AND knows console hardware stuff. Then its just a matter of hittin up those console manufacturers (Sony, Microsoft, or Nintendo)

the CLOSEST one is SWITCH. pretty much all of that backend is already made, so it just a matter of gettin all that access and shit.

i think in any case though, there's a lot of NDA stuff required, i dunno how much we'd be able to talk about it even IF we get that stuf sorted

Q: any ideas of releasing it on epic store or another platform?

A: Right now, the only thing that is 100% confirmed and WILL happen is a Steam version, itchio version, and mobile versions on respective app stores. Other storefronts aren't out of the picture though, but we don't want to spread ourselves too thin with it.

Q: Will you continue using HaxeFlixel to make the rest of FNF?

A: yes, because it is what I'm the most technically proficient in, and generally is VERY flexible. just a matter of ME becoming a better coder. It's ALL open source, so if I need something done a certain way, either I can do it, or we can hire someone to do it.

Q: have you seen game theory's videos on your game yet and if so, what do you think about them? (not talking about his predictions because i dont want spoilers. i like mystery)

A: it is always good silly fun to watch the Game Theory vids about Funkin with some pals, and see what matpat thinks of the game. i lov the vids, but wish he used my face less! Or at least used a cuter pic of me like this one!!

Q: Ok so: What does the future of FNF look like to you?

A: future of FNF is a rhythm game that not only exceeds every expectation that people have of it, but subverts most expectations and conventions as well.

Q: Do you plan on retouching on older weeks once the game is fully out? Like reanimating sprites, redoing some charting, updating the background, etc

A: retouching and probably overhauling certain aspects is almost definitely gonna happen. Everything is fluid and can be changed (and should be changed when necessary). i dont think anything should be too attached to, especially this early on in development

Q: I honestly do not care if the answer to this is vague as hell to keep surprises and shit lol but… Since Week 7 was the closest we’ll get to a playable girlfriend (still bf controlling tho), do you have plans to make girlfriend playable in spin-off things or just freeplay?

A: wouldnt be out of the picture for a playable GF, i don't think we've had some hard thing AGAINST it. just a matter of what we want out of the game, and what sort of story or whatev we could do with that concept

Q: How do BF and GF manage to meet famous newgrounds characters (such as pico, tankman and the others to come) like is this all in one universe/ timeline or are they being brought in?

A: i think they are all just there existing. i think there's a lot of wacky things in other media that try to justify crossovers, like MULTIVERSE bullshit or TIMELINE shit, but i dunno, its like subspace emissary. Captain Falcon and Olimar from Pikmin just hang out. Shit like dat

disclaimer that all lore shit is in phantomarcade head pretty much and maybe there is wacky dimensions or somethin

Q: Will the game have dlc?

A: its not too unlikely that we'd have expansions of some sort, but i mean right now we plan on packing in as much as we can into base game, and trying to make that as pure as possible.

if there is ANY dlc, i would personally want it to be 100% free updates

Q: How did you meet Phantom Arcade, Kawai Sprite, and EvilSker? And what do you think about the community and its controversies?

A: me and phantomarcade been fukin around NG for years so years and years ago we naturally crossed paths and became pals

about 2 years ago i found kawaisprites music on NG, and started talkin wit him, made Ritz wit him and we fell in lov

and evilsk8r i met cuz of FNF!!!

quik elaborate on evilsk8r, wanted artist for gamejam FNF was for (ludum dare), and OG person i asked wasnt available, so he referred me to evilsk8r, who I have never met or talked to before ever.

[punkscowardschampions]

Ava & James

Ava: Frank needs a long walk if you guys are free Ava: He's got the Sunday blues James: well in that case, purely for his sake, of course Ava: I've fully cute baby come onto you and it's worked Ava: 😈 IOU some 🐶 treats James: you've got really long eyelashes, irresistibly so Ava: ☺��� Ava: You're irresistible in so many ways Ava: I'll count them James: out loud? Ava: Quietly out loud, anyway Ava: don't need to interrupt my parent's breakfast James: they're actually there? I was beginning to wonder if they genuinely exist Ava: 😏 Ava: surely you saw them once before James: I don't remember them ever being in my line of sight or hearing Ava: How funny Ava: Guess Buster was pretty sneaky Ava: or should we say, good at time management, that's the polished version of that James: you're very good at time management yourself Ava: True Ava: I'll take that as a compliment and ignore the unwanted parallel James: it was intended purely as one, we wouldn't have lasted this long had you not been Ava: I can be the sneakiest bitch if needs be, I don't care James: tempting as it would be for me to immediately insist that we test that out, I don't think we have to James: she definitely will have received the divorce application by now & she still hasn't come back James: or called, or messaged James: it's looking less like any of us can label this a holiday Ava: Wow Ava: How are you feeling? James: I don't know, it won't sink in, whenever my phone goes I assume it'll be her Ava: Of course Ava: It's been your life for so long now, and it's been so Ava: well Ava: for it to just be seemingly over, so unceremoniously James: she could walk through the door any time with a suitcase & a tan though, I'm well aware of that Ava: Has she stayed away this long before? Ava: Without contact James: she typically loves to tell me every detail of what she's doing when she's at her parents' villa, so no Ava: That's a good sign Ava: even if she does come back Ava: you've still filed for divorce, she can't ignore it James: I just feel like James: if it was this 'easy', why didn't I do it before? Ava: because it wasn't before Ava: you didn't have the tools then and she had more control Ava: what's important is you've done it now James: because she's right about me Ava: No Ava: she isn't right about anything Ava: least of all you Ava: she didn't ever take time to know you, how could she be James: because it's all there in everything I've done & not done, I haven't behaved like a responsible adult or someone will any backbone whatsoever James: I've let them all down, her included James: what kind of person marries someone they don't love? Ava: Someone trying to do the right thing Ava: What about all the things you have done? Ava: and not the things you're talking about, all the good, the showing up and being there, for them all James: that's the least I could do, isn't it? Ava: No one else did it Ava: it was you, James James: I know that but Ava: but do you Ava: she's admitted as much, even if she was doing it to be cruel Ava: she picked you for a reason Ava: you're a good person, that's all you've ever tried to be James: I'm the kind of person that's susceptible to her bullshit, a damaged person, a weak one James: it was good for her but it doesn't mean that I am Ava: being weak and damaged doesn't negate you being a good person Ava: just like her abusing that in you doesn't mean she's exempt from being a shitty person just because she's fucked up herself Ava: who isn't Ava: you've been trying, that's the difference Ava: and now you've done it Ava: despite years of being ground down Ava: that's not weak James: why do you love me, Ava? James: what do you even see? Ava: I see Ava: so much Ava: how considerate you are and kind, without even realizing or having to think about it Ava: and you're sharp and funny Ava: you're interesting, I could talk to you all day, about anything Ava: and you are a good person, you just are, I could tell that immediately James: I don't have to think about being kind to you, I want to James: & to be someone that you want to talk to all day, who makes you laugh & smile & who you can say anything to Ava: You are, you just are Ava: you don't have to try, not just because you want those things, you can't help but be those things Ava: I can't help but love you, though I want to too James: I can't help but love you either James: so I don't think we should try & do anything else James: I think we should do this properly now Ava: I can be your girlfriend? James: I want you to, whether she comes back or not James: because I love you, whatever else happens James: I'm in love with you Ava: I love you too Ava: of course I want that too, of course Ava: whatever happens James: I'll talk to your parents with you if you think it'll help James: or I'll continue having never seen their faces, whatever you want Ava: I'll talk to them alone first Ava: but I don't wanna hide you, need to Ava: there's no objection they can have that'll make me want to James: I can't make you the same promise, as much as Teddy had no objection when I initially broached the subject of meeting someone else once I'd finished the application, he's likely to feel different when he finds out it's you James: but even if we did technically need to hide, I don't want to & I won't Ava: Understandable Ava: I'm under no illusion my family will be thrilled but they'll have to get used to it James: as long as we don't also immediately announce an engagement or pregnancy, my parents will be fairly understanding, I'm sure Ava: Pretty much same Ava: It isn't like I'm making myself step-mother Ava: I'll assure them of that James: but I have no idea what I'm supposed to assure Jay of, she genuinely believes Chloé is on holiday right now Ava: The truth Ava: even if it's complicated, or there's parts you're unsure of, it's still the best policy Ava: you can't assure her she won't come back, no Ava: but your truth is that you've ended things and you want to look after them and you will Ava: and right now, it looks like Chloé doesn't want to share but maybe one day that will be a thing Ava: you don't owe Chloé anything, covering the potential hurt that might cause, definite confusion because Jay is so young Ava: but you owe yourself and her the truth of it, and she'll appreciate that, know she can always trust you James: you're right, of course you are James: I'm still trying to protect her, aren't I? She's not even here & I can't stop myself from covering for her Ava: and the kids too, but that's the most understandable instinct Ava: but I think long-term, hell, even short Ava: you can't lie to them, they know Ava: it's worse having this thing you don't talk about, aren't told about James: I know James: I can't remember my mum having a conversation with me about a single thing, not even the weather, my dad talks & she nods Ava: You don't wanna be that Ava: and you aren't James: I think we should move, not literally on this Sunday morning, I've not lost my mind completely Ava: A new place, a fresh start Ava: makes sense to me James: I want Jay to know it's different this time, real & definite Ava: That's a good idea James: the other side of the river maybe Ava: A real move Ava: I think go for it Ava: Whilst they're still young, it's not a huge upheaval, there aren't friends to be left behind really or any of that James: I'll be further away from you though Ava: I can get the tube Ava: anyway, I'm going into my last year, so I'll be moving too after that James: oh right, I didn't even think of that Ava: Don't you wanna know where my first choice is? James: do I, or will I be devastated? Ava: Goldsmiths James: Ava Ava: I told you my top three were in London, I ain't lying, like Ava: Great 🧠s maybe James: so you know what I need to ask, what I am asking Ava: It's best you still do Ava: just incase James: when did you decide what your 1st choice was, because if it was now, it shouldn't be James: not because of me Ava: It wasn't Ava: It was my first choice before I came to see King's Ava: and that didn't change that James: okay, good Ava: I promise Ava: I wouldn't do that Ava: if my first choice was on the moon, I'd still go and I'd still try to make it work with you James: I believe you James: I just had to say it, because that's not the kind of boyfriend I want to be James: one who holds you back from things Ava: You aren't Ava: I might not get in Ava: and that's still over a year away Ava: we don't need to rush anymore, we can just be normal Ava: as normal as anyone is James: you'll get in, we both know that James: & I'll be really happy for you Ava: 😊 Ava: I do hope so Ava: and it can be okay that that's for potentially more reason than one, can't it Ava: not a crime James: yes, it can be more than okay Ava: Good James: [actually adds her on socials because he can] Ava: Oh, hey Ava: you're cute James: that profile picture is James: when did you change it? Ava: a while ago Ava: you gotta catch up Ava: 😘 James: tell me truthfully while I do, am I the reason the relationship status 'it's complicated' exists? 🤔 Ava: Well, that's embarrassing Ava: that's about my OTHER secret relationship 😬🙄 Ava: You fool 😏 James: 😂 James: what's he/she like? Ava: Pretty special Ava: might be serious James: oh really? Ava: Yeah Ava: so I'm gonna be pretty busy now, don't think I'll have time to see you James: far too busy too walk your dog assumedly, I suppose I can do it for you, if only to show there's no hard feelings Ava: I don't even like being fake mean to you Ava: 🥺 James: I really want to kiss you every time you 🥺 Ava: Come for a walk with me and maybe you can Ava: at least kiss me goodbye at the end James: when Jay's distracted kissing Frank goodbye Ava: 😂 exactly Ava: though the way he slobbers is distracting James: he's good with her though, that aside Ava: He's a good boy Ava: he can't help being a bad kisser Ava: you could teach him, if you like James: if theory, yes, but in practice I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to what that would actually involve James: tell him it's nothing personal, but I don't want to kiss anyone but you Ava: 🥰 Ava: that makes my heart happy so I will break the news to him gently James: thank you Ava: 💙 You're the best Ava: Can I change my relationship status then? James: like you said, I've got lots of catching up to do James: of course you can Ava: [does] James: [imagine all the comments like with WHOMST cos she can't put who with obvs since he can't cancel his so it's just in a relationship] Ava: [jump in that inbox everyone lmao, that's how you could start a Nancy convo like oh you ain't ready] James: [that's a good idea tbh]