#I say “tonight” but it's really 3AM nearing 4AM

[darthbloodorange]

I tried my first binder tonight...

I avoided trying it on for days because I was worried it wouldn't fit. Either that it would be too loose and would do nothing. Or it would be too tight... and that it would work, but I wouldn't be able to get out of it and would have to cut myself out. I eyed the scissors on my desk anxiously whenever I thought about trying the binder on.

But I did it. What strength I could find deep down I gathered close, and I was brave for myself. I tried it on.

It was a little loose. And I worried it wasn't doing anything. But it was firm enough to hold everything in place when I adjusted my chest.

I run my hands over my front, and it felt full... round. I was... disappointed, I think. Worried.

But I went to look in the mirror.

"Oh" was all I said, all I could think as I saw myself. It was like I could and couldn't breathe all at once. It felt like fear, almost. But it was excitement.

Joy.

[akvtsuki-ari]

Downers

Warnings: smut, fingering, penetration, oral (both recieving),(( reader swallows lol)), alchohol 

Length: 4.7k 

Authors Note: idk how to explain the context of this fic kjshjek but before you read i highly reccomend listening to the song this fic is based on!! normally it doesn’ matter either way but it’s directly apart of the fic!! the song is Downers by Greentea Peng 

Summary: Spencer comes back from a one-night stand with insomnia he can’t shake. The hotel bar is welcome company, and the singer there seems to catch all his attention

Spencer couldn't remember her name.

Here he was in her hotel room, mouth on her neck, hands on her skin - whispering to her how beautiful she was and he just couldn't remember her name. He doesn't even know if he asked - he can't remember that much of their interactions since there interaction in the bar. Her dress was pretty, so Spencer went up to her. She was alone - she needed the company, her and her boyfriend were taking a break he thinks. She told him that she liked his tie, and his hair and he smiled and dazzled her, made a stupid magic joke and manage to get her back here

Spencer was good at this now, he knew how to get here everytime. It wasn't difficult after you get the hang of it. It was profiling after all, something he realized when this all started so many months ago. It's funny to try and recall a time before this - Spencer was always the butt of the joke because he used to tell himself he couldn't do one night stands. He wasn't wrong, either - at first he would just get too attached but things stopped mattering. Slowly but surely all the pieces fell away and he just started needing easy company, shed his skin of his job and make sure he made someone else feel good.

He was never really hedonistic but he figures things change right? When he fucks another girl whose name he doesn't remember, he's not keeping score - just trying to focus on making her feel good and the way it feels when he orgasms. He's chasing that feeling of high - even if it's temporary it makes him feel something and that's enough. Life is about more than chasing pleasure in the long run but this was now, and the feeling of the girl whose name he can't remember wrapping her mouth along the tip of his dick was enough. For now this feeling was enough, bucking his hips into her throat and making sure she gets off. He was an asshole but he wasn't a selfish one.

"Shit, I'm gonna cum," She annouces. Spencer nods in approval, pressing his forehead against hers as she finishes. She moans Spencers name aloud and Spencer wants to ignore it but he can't. Spencer cums soon after that, pulling out of the unnamed women beneath him

"Jesus," she breathes out heavy. Spencer laughs before looking at her.

"I'm gonna go take a shower," she says to him softly, "feel free to join me," she winks. Spencer just gives her a smile as she slinks away into the bathroom.

Spencer knew the drill. He didn't leave a note, he didn't ask her name because he wasn't planning on seeing her again. He sits a few minutes, redressing quietly and leaving quieter. He used to flinch when he shut the door but the hotel hallway was familiar to him now. Making eye contact with cleaning women and janitors who gave him what felt like knowing stares. Spencer was used to it, all of it - even if it was difficult.

Spencer doesn't feel like a slut. He probably should, but he doesn't really feel anything. He's doing the walk of shame, leaving her hotel room in the middle of the night and he just sorta.. doesn't care.

He wishes he did, but there's no time for that now. He checks the watch on his wrist, the time reading 1am and as if on cue, he yawns. His eyes are sleepy and he's rather exhausted, and he finds himself heading back to his own hotel in a tired daze

__

When Spencer returns to his hotel - he really can't sleep. He tries, laid in bed, tossing and turning for hours but it wasn't coming to him. They were supposed to be leaving the day after tomorrow, closed in by the weather that wouldn't let the jet take off so he was stuck there. He wanted nothing more than to get some rest, but it was fruitless. Spencer looks over at the pamphlet he picked up from downstairs - looking at all the different things that the hotel had going on. It says there's a live, late-night singer at the bar in the hotel. Y/N Y/L/N. He sighs, rubbing his face with his hands before standing up and putting back on his normal clothes. A live show and a drink might not be so bad, and maybe there's something (or really someone,) for Spencer to do.

He walks down at 3am, it'd only been an hour since he got back and it was still dark out. Everything was still as he walked into the hallway and elevator. every sound felt louder and more distinct. There wasn't a soul out there other than staff who was forced to work earlier shifts and other people doing the same walk of shame he was doing earlier. He can't bring himself to look at them, but Spencer was certainly understanding of them.

He manages to make it to the hotel bar, which was surprisingly nice - he has to admit. Lowlights and candelabras all over the place add to the ambiance, the ceiling mirrored as he looks to all the patrons in the bar. Mostly older men, drinking whiskey alone as typical as it was. There were some women that caught his eyes, but he's not ready to tango with someone like that so he orders a drink at the bar. He likes scotch on the rocks, but he's not really one to drink it often. One can't hurt, he doesn't think. The odd sense of isolation while being in a public place and the alcohol in his system might make him more tired faster. He doesn't want another one-night stand but that loneliness hits quickly, and his original plans may fall through.

He waits it out, sitting down at a chair near the small platform that served as a stage. He watches as on older gentleman picks the mic up, announcing that name he read earlier. Y/N Y/L/N.

He sees a woman walk up onto the stage, so beautiful he coughs on his scotch. A man across the ways looks to Spencer and laughs, nodding in understanding.

"Wait till you hear her voice," He says quietly. Spencer just nods, eyes fixated on the way you move. You look classic, hair let loose wearing a sequin dress. You weren't too flashy, but you definitely managed to catch everyone's attention. You had a jaded expression, eyes flashing up to the crowd softly. You look directly towards Spencer and give him a knowing smile. He was new, you'd never seen him here before.

"How's everyone doing tonight, hm? Can't be too well if you're here seeing me at 4am, but still good I hope," you say chuckling. It lightens the somewhat somber energy that seems to swallow the place up as the bar regulars and other lonely folks of the night all watch you. You laugh softly into the microphone.

"Anyone have any requests for me, or am I free to sing what I'd like?," you ask the small audience. Everyone gives encouraging whoops at the second option and you give that same lighthearted giggle that Spencers heart aches for. You were unbelivably beautiful, the light catching the highlights of your face as you look at everyone smoothly. You tuck some hair behind your ears as you look to the small band.

"Let's do the song I was practicing upstairs earlier," you call to them. They all nod their heads at you, as you clear your throat and take a sip of water.

"This song is called Downers, by Greentea Peng," you say softly. You start humming along with the music before you start to sing the lyrics and christ -

"I can't smell the flowers / felt empty now for hours / lost my powers / I can't smell the flowers / I'm sick of all these towers / think I done too many Downers," You sing the first verse with ease. Spencer's ears are so attuned to the music he can barely drink his scotch. Your voice is melodic, it flows out with no problem and soothes Spencer so much he feels like he could pass out right there. His eyes look to your expression, eyes closed as you smile at the self-aware lyrics of the song. Your body language is so comfortable with the words, he imagines the song is personal to you in some way.

"hard to see the value in these half-hearted encounters / can't deal with the truth so we just change the world around us / to feel and smell just like we want it to / fuck what we're meant to do / can't hang round be no fool / wasting time just getting high / getting high / to get by / clear my mind clear blue skies / all this time I've been flying from up here," You sing the runs with easy, your voice syncing perfectly with the music being played. Spencer's eyes don't leave you for even a second as he watches you sink in and become part of the music. Your shoulders fall, as you tap along the rhythm of the song before singing the chorus again, then delving into the second verse.

The first verse weighs on Spencer's mind as you continue onto the second and third verse. The lyrics of the song are as fitting to him as possible. It feels too relevant for Spencer to forget about it but he tries as you continue your performance, mixing modern radio ballads with older classics. Your voice is like medicine to Spencer's exhaustion, he wants to relax in the sound forever and his head's so fixated on you - he knows he needs to talk to you. To get to know you, something if anything. He doesn't remember the last time he's felt this strong towards someone but he'd be damned if he didn't chase it.

When you finish your performance, you collect tips from all the bar patrons and wish everybody a kind morning. Spencer didn't realize that another full hour had passed and he sees walking towards the bar so, in the least creepy way he can, he stands to follow you. You order a club soda and sit on the bench, where Spencer takes a seat next to you. You roll your eyes, but you'd be lying if you said he wasn't attractive to you. You turn your body to face him and he shoots you smile in return.

"You're not one for subtlety are you?," you say softly as the bartender hands you your drink. You take a sip, feeling the cool relief on your worn throat. Spencer laughs, looking at the floor before looking back up at you.

"For a woman as beautiful as you? Can't say I am, no," Spencer says lightly. You roll your eyes but you're smiling into your drink as you do.

"What about flattery?," you ask again. Spencer chews the corner of his lips as his eyes grace your body, noticing the way your skin shows around the shoulders of your dress. He laughs.

"That one I can manage," Spencer's voice is a murmur. You put your drink down and readjust how you sit, looking at Spencer's face. You can see right through him, really. You can with most men, but especially someone who does what you used to do. You want to laugh at him and say theres no need for the formality but it isn't for the two of you. It's for the people in the bar who count the seconds before you two walk away together. You were going to fuck him, you knew that the second he sat so close during your performance but the rest of the bar didn't so the formal talk and idle chat is for them.

"I don't really do this very often -" Spencer starts. You roll your eyes, cutting him off mid-sentence.

"You're not a good liar, you know that?," you say softly. Spencer is startled but intrigued by your observation. He looks to you for an explanation and you just shrug at him. He looks into your eyes and it's like you see past him. He falters for a few seconds.

"Old habits die hard," you start first "picking up on when someones lying to sleep with me just happens to be one," you say, chuckling. You're not upset or sarcastic, simply laughing at the situation and reminiscing. Spencer shifts uncomfortably for a second, not really used to someone being able to see through him so quickly.

"I should be clear that I'd still like to sleep with you," you say, blinking through your lashes. Spencer nearly chokes when he hears, a blush forming on his face. It was becoming clear that you were gonna lead the way on this one.

"But don't be dishonest, it's boring - you yourself are probably more interesting than what you tell other people," you say thoughtfully. Spencers befuddled at how you just seem to know but you shake your head.

"I've made my rounds, men and women," you say casually. Spencer feels like he's dying at your confession but can't help himself - finding it beyond attractive that you managed both.

"What do you wanna know?" Spencer asks relaxed. You give him a small smile.

"What's your name? What do you do? Whats your star sign? The usual," you say jokingly. Spencer can't help but laugh, genuinely laugh.

"My names Dr. Spencer Reid, I work for the FBI for the Behavioral Analysis Unit, and I'm told I'm a Scorpio," Spencer says, smiling. Penelope told him that forever ago though he hasn't thought about since then. You give him a grin.

"An FBI agent ? You must be here for all the murders they had in downtown, huh?," you ask curiously. He looks suprised but how in touch you are.

"I keep up with the news," you say casually. Spencer keeps learning about you and his attraction to you only increased. He nods, telling you you're right and you mentally high-five yourself.

"What do you wanna ask me?," you say, perching your lips out. Spencer looks at them before his eyes flick up at your eyes

"What else do you? Other than sing, I mean,"

You tilt your head in though for a second, before shrugging.

"For work? I make most of my money singing, anyways. I studied other stuff in college, but music is what I love to do and I make decent money off of working different celebrations. This bar gave me my first gig so I'm always here. Other than that, I volunteer at local stuff - gotta keep in touch you know?," you softly. Spencer looks at your expression with an adoration he can't explain. He finds himself speaking before he can think too much about it.

"I haven't been looked into like that before," Spencer blurts out. You chuckle.

"You said you do behavioral analysis, right?," you asks. Spencer nods.

"Trying to get someone to fuck you is esentially the same. You watch them and try to appeal to their situations so you get your result. You're a hunter, all the same. Sometimes it's killers and sometimes it's an attractive woman whose married but doesn't have her ring on - it's a mindgame," you say carefully. Spencer knows you're right but the way you say it so bluntly makes him feel a way. It's the first time a woman has made him this uncomfortable and in a fucked up way he's happy about it. It sounds cocky, but the challenge is attractive to Spencer. You weren't trying to isolate yourself from other women, instead just making a general commentary on human beings. You were intelligent.

"How could you tell?,"

"You're too well practiced with expression and stuff. Too much attention to detail," you reply.

"You're entitled to whatever but be careful with yourself," you warn. Spencer just listens.

"Full disclosure, I studied criminology in college - so I'm familiar with your work," you say a little shy, Spencer raises his brows and assures it's fine before you continue.

"You do what you do at work because it catches them. You can hold onto a happy ending and that's important," you say softly "But, sleeping around is a personal cause with no heroes you know? The loneliness will always come back, and those mind games you play just to get rid of it will start to fracture you," you say thoughtfully. Spencer feels some tears prick at his eyes but he covers them before he looks at you.

"I don't sleep around much anymore, but when I do - I can't promise I'll leave my name and number. Old habits, you know? But I see myself in you, the way you move is something I definitely recall," you say laughing. Spencer feels so damn weird - confused as to how you're so perceptive.

"Sorry to read you like that, I just like you. You're interesting," you say, cute as ever. Spencer is unbelievably attracted to you.

"I'm a little speechless," Spencer says laughing.

"Sorry?,"

"Don't be, but you feel like a sign to me," Spencer says softly.

"The woman I.. you know - earlier, I don't even remember her name," Spencer admits a little sadly. You shake your head, reaching out to grab his hand to provide him some comfort. He finds himself holding on.

"You learn to face the loneliness, and sometimes it makes cool stuff like this happen," you say giggling.

"I wanna remember your name," Spencer admits. You give him a small smile.

"Even after I just came for you and this is only our first meeting?"

"Especially because of that,"

You laugh aloud and Spencer notes how lovely the sound is. You look at him, before taking another sip of your drink. You stand tall, patting down your skirt before walking away, Spencer stars dumbfounded for a few seconds before he hears your voice.

"You coming?" You ask. Spencer couldn't manage to bolt faster. _____

"Can I kiss you?," Is the first question Spencer asks you when you end up in your hotel room. You laugh, looking into his eyes as the two of you stand in front of the hotel door. You put your hands on Spencer's waist, making your way up to his chest.

"It's all I've been thinking about for the last few hours so," you say softly. Spencer grins at you, leaning his head down before placing his lips on yours, slowly parting them to catch a little bit more of you. Its slow at first but only then, slowly the speed of each kiss inbetween picks up. Spencer's tongue nips yours, hands running your sides as he touches you hesitant. The whole gesture is hesitant still, though the heat is coming close to just being too much. You use your teeth gently to hitch Spencer's bottom lip and the gestures welcomed.

You pull away from Spencer to look at him, looking into his eyes with an affectionate need.

"Hey, Spencer?,"

"Yes?,"

"If you don't fuck the shit out of me, I don't think I'll ever forgive you,"

Spencer grins, before you give him a shy smile. Spencer kisses you again, the two of you moving to the bed soon after. Spencer sits on the edge of the bed, while you straddle him. Spencer's hands grip your backside. You let out a noise of suprise but Spencer just smiles, leaning his face into your neck. His teeth graze your neck, placing small kisses on patches of it as you tilt it up to give him more room. He nips at the area, sucking small hickies into it. His fingers work their way to the zipper of your dress as you lean into him, your hands on the side of his face.

Your dress falls off your shoulders, as you move back to take it off. Spencer's eyes watch you as you move out of it - throat dry as he sees that you're not wearing a bra. Your nipples come to attention at the cool air in the room and Spencer's hands move to touch you before he can think about it. He brushes them carefully, back and forth sending pleasure shooting through you rather unexpected. You managed to sit on Spencer's lap again before he continues but you whine with displeasure.

His eyes flick to you with curiosity but you don't have to explain much, simply undoing his belt, urging him to unbutton his shirt by tugging at it. He can't help his laughter as he looks at you adoringly.

"Impatient," he reminds you. You give him that same innocent look from before you as you nod at him.

"For you? Always," you reply back. Spencer leans in to kiss you again before he lets you sit in the bed, watching him undress as he did for you only moments ago. You drink in the sight of his skin, the way his hard-on sits in his boxers, standing to attention. You can't stop looking at it, the feeling of lust creeping at your throat.

"Spencer, lay down," you urge softly. He gives you a look of question but does as told, walking to the other side of the bed and laying down as he's told. He catches wind of your plan soon after, watching you take your panties off and revealing arousal that's managed to slide down your thighs. His throat catches but his silent request is soon fulfilled as you place for knees on either side of Spencer's head and settle yourself over his tongue. Spencer's hands grip your thighs as he places a few soft kisses on them, before arching his neck to meet your clit with his tongue. He's patient, flattening his tongue against your clit before motioning it back and forth. The feeling is so sudden, pleasure ripping through you as you use your hips to grind onto to Spencer's tongue.

You lean down over Spencer's cock, spitting onto the head before your mouth wraps around the tip. You use your hands to steady yourself before you bob your head, hollowing your cheeks out which makes Spencer choke. He had figured you'd both be good in bed but it's starting to be clear that it was a lot more than that.

Spencer feels good - so fucking good because he was just so attracted to you and the feeling of your mouth around his dick was working him. Your thighs moved so confidently to grind onto his tongue, using his face for your pleasure while returning the favor, you were more than good. Spencer feels you in his chest, twitching in your mouth when his mind feels with all the possibilities of what else he could do. It wasn't enough to taste you - he would keep seeking out your pleasure until the thought of him never left your mind.

This position was really just a competition to see who could make the other unravel fastest. The feeling of satisfaction he recieved when he feels you pulsate around his tongue is unmatched - the sound of tone throat gagging as you moan out some version his name, cumming all over his face but not stopping your hips. Spencer can taste you everywhere and you taste as good as you look. He's unsure of how you've managed that but he's pleased. You ride your high before you life yourself off of his face, switching yourself to be positioned over his dick. You're more than ready to do that but Spencer's stops you, looking into your eyes as he sits up. You sit between his legs but he moves you up - positioning you to expose yourself too him. Easy access.

Spencer pushes his two middle fingers between your lips, which part for Spencer easily. Your tongue wraps around them, sucking them obediently and Spencer smiles at you. He pulls them out for you, sliding his thumb along your clit before slipping his fingers inside of you, curling them up inside of you. You lean, gripping onto Spencer's shoulder letting out whimpers next to his ear. He brushes against your gspot with ease, padding against it with rhythm. The feeling makes your legs shake, Spencer already close to bringing you to orgasm and despite his somewhat aching wrist makes sure the speed is consistent.

"Spencer, please - oh my god please," this is the first time you've addressed Spencer directly and it makes Spencer's whole body ache to fuck you.

"You're beautiful," Spencer breathes out. You pull away from his shoulders and put your hands on the side of his face, kissing him intensely as you looked into his expression. You're quick to cum a second time , convulsing around his hands a second time as you hold onto his back, fingernails digging in his skin as your whole body lights up in fireworks. Moans pour from your throat as you finish, riding out your high as Spencer slows

"Spencer," your voice is unsteady as you call out to him. He hums in response and you look at him, making eye contact.

"Would you like to go on a date sometime?," you breathe out. Spencer can't help the little giggles he lets out before nodding, kissing you softly.

"Seems like you've beat me to asking," Spencer says. You kiss Spencer once more, softly and slowly before smiling in his shoulder.

"Mm, fuck me," you say giggling. Spencer laughs before he repositions himself to penetrate you, pulling out a condom from the drawer and rolling it down his erection. He lines himself with your entrance, slowly but surely watching you sink down on his cock. He chokes as he feels you around him - tight and warm and wet, taking him so well. Spencer stretches you out better than you were expecting - a burning ache as Spencer pushes towards your cervix. He's buried in you, fingers holding you up for a second.

Spencer holds you up before laying you down, hands pinning yours above your head before pulling his hips back and pounding into you. Spencer voice groans out in your ear, his orgasm drawing him closer and closer to the edge.

You use your fingers to run out one final orgasm, convulsing around Spencer which makes his whole body ache.

"I'm gonna cum," Spencer announces.

"Cum in my mouth?," you offer Spencer. He groans aloud, pulling out and sliding the condom off before positioning himself over your face. You adjust yourself by lifting yourself up on your elbows, allowing Spencer to ease into the back of your throat. Spencer lets go as soon as he does, finish in your mouth where you swallow immediately, eyes glassy as you look up at Spencer. You give him a smile, opening your mouth to show that it's all swallow, before laying back down again exhausted.

"Jesus Christ, Spencer" you say softly. He gives you a small smile.

"You should get some rest," Spencer says softly. You roll your eyes, sitting back up before leaning your head on Spencer's shoulder.

"Mm if I did that, would you be here when I woke up? Nice try, lover boy," you say. Spencer laughs, voice soft as the sun starts to rise outside.

"I'm gonna shower, and since neither of us are sleeping - you can take me to breakfast," you say, standing up and giving Spencer a kiss atop his head.

"Disappear on me and I'll book a ticket all the way to Quantico and embarrass you infront of your whole team," you say jokingly. Spencer hugs your waist as you stand and you can't help the way it melts you.

"Wouldn't dream of it," Spencer replies back. You use your hands to make him look st you and smile at him.

"Good. I'd invite you to come shower with me but I'm gonna guess you need clothes so - meet me downstairs in the lobby in like 30 mins," you instruct. Spencer just nods.

"I need your number," Spencer asks. You look into the drawer and lean down, writing your number on his chest. He looks down at it and smiles. He can see himself in the mirror, noticing you wrote it backwards so he could see it. God, Spencer is into you.

"I'm sure it'll wash off," you say smiling. Spencer rolls his eyes, the hickies you managed to bite into his skin making irony very clear. You give him a cheeky look and he can't help but laugh.

"Y/N," Spencer says to himself. You look at him confused and he just shakes his head.

"You're too fascinating to forget," Spencer says smiling. You can't help but grin, leaning down to kiss him.

"So are you, Dr. Spencer Reid,"

____

taglist: @cynbx​ @zephyr-studiesjp​ @skrrrrrrrrrrt​ @reid-187​ @louistwinslover​ @pastanest​ @nomajdetective​ @iamburdened​

[elisela]

take my whole life, too buck x eddie, 1.4k, vermont verse for @extasiswings and @tylerhunklin because that cellist fic inspired me and chapel said !!!!!!!!!!! so here’s eddie learning to play the guitar because i only know how to play the ukulele and eddie would never choose that so close enough.

Eddie’s not sure why he does it.

Well, that’s not true—they’re in Bobby’s backyard on a warm July night, the kids running around with sparklers, popping little plastic champagne bottles full of confetti over people’s heads when they’re not looking. Eddie’s standing near the grill with Michael and Bobby (he may not be able to cook but he’s from Texas, okay, he knows how to barbecue), recounting some of his funnier stories about being in the military (he can joke about it now, doesn’t feel like choking whenever he mentions it) when Buck’s bright laughter draws his gaze.

“So he starts singing this song and I swear I was so close to losing it,” Maddie says, “I had to pretend to be sick so I could run to the bathroom and laugh.”

He’s not sure what they’re talking about, but they look happy, relaxed, and then Buck says—

“I always wished someone would serenade me.”

And somehow, Eddie’s at a music store the next day in Burlington, buying a guitar.

--

Eddie’s never liked being an amateur. It’s not that he dislikes learning, or thinks he should be great at everything right away, but he feels too deeply the judging looks that people will give (whether they’re in his imagination or not is another story), so his original plan had been: buy a guitar online, hide it, practice like crazy until he could get a simple song out, sing to Buck.

He falls into a Buck-esque research spiral after they leave Bobby’s house that night, googling guitars on his phone and watching “learn to play” youtube videos until 3am, when Buck rolls over in his sleep and slides his hands over Eddie’s stomach and down lower, until Eddie drops his phone on the floor accidentally and then somehow it’s 4am and Buck is breathing hard against him and they both need a shower.

Regardless, he’d learned a few things: don’t buy a guitar online, and it’s really easy to play C and F major.

It comes in handy at the store; luckily, he’s not the only one there so he waves off the bored-looking clerk and looks over the wall of guitars, drawn to the two-tone ones; he reads the signs and tries to look like he knows what he’s doing but in the end he picks up one that proclaims it has a Sitka spruce top and mahogany back, strums the two chords he’d learned from trying to memorize a chord chart in the middle of the night, and buys it without looking at the price tag.

… he probably should have looked at the price tag.

--

Given Eddie’s abundance of free time, it’s pretty easy to hide what he’s doing, which is good, because he is objectively terrible at playing the guitar. His fingers feel clumsy; he’d never played an instrument before, favored extra history classes in high school over band, and he had thought that the easy rhythm he can find while dancing would transfer over, but strum patterns and counts get tangled up somewhere between his brain and his fingers and he ends up off-beat and confused halfway through a song. He tries doing things properly, working through a beginner’s book he bought online and hides in the bottom drawer of his desk, but just picking simple melodies and occasional chords frustrates him and he ends up shoving the guitar in the attic for two weeks before he gives in and does what he’d wanted to do all along—follow along with YouTube videos.

He spends three days looking up songs that only use a few basic chords and finally settles on a simplified version of Can’t Help Falling in Love With You, because Buck loves sappy and Eddie loves Buck, and no one needs to know how when he sings it, he thinks about the first time he saw Buck standing on the porch, crouching down to talk to Christopher, bright smile and laugh lighting up Eddie’s life.

For a simple song it takes him a frustratingly long time to learn it, but finally, he’s ready for the last part of the plan: sing it to Buck.

Oh, shit.

He has to sing it.

--

In middle school, Eddie’s choir teacher called them over to the corner of the room one at a time and had them sing a few lines so she could determine their voice classifications. Her face had been neutral while listening to him, but a few weeks later while they were singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight, she’d pulled Eddie and Robbie Martin to the side and said, “you know boys, no one will notice if you just mouth the words.”

Eddie mouthed the words.

--

So, Eddie makes a new plan. He needed one anyway, because it’s not like he could just pull Buck into the office after work and sing to him, no. Buck wants to be serenaded, and that demands certain things.

Like getting his son out of the house, for one. No offense to Christoper, but he doesn’t need his extremely sarcastic eleven year old around while he’s trying to be romantic.

That’s easy enough, though, given that Denny is at his house daily after school—a single text message to Karen and he’s got the house to himself Saturday night and most of the day Sunday.

He sucks it up and calls Sophia for advice on how to do the rest, hangs up on her after two minutes of her laughing and calls Adriana instead. He always knew she was his favorite sister (okay she wasn’t, but she certainly is now), because she squeals excitedly and he has to ask her to slow the rapid flow of words so he can actually understand her.

By the time Saturday morning rolls around, he’s ready. He spreads a picnic blanket out in the far corner of their yard, under the sugar maple trees and near the fire-pit Buck had dug out the summer before they got married, packs a picnic basket with snacks, and sends Chris over to Hen’s just after lunch. He spends the rest of the day with Buck; they drive a well-known route through the changing trees, holding hands and trading kisses across the center console whenever Eddie stops at a red light. He takes him out to his favorite farm-to-table restaurant in Waterbury, then brings him home and takes out his secret weapon: bourbon sours.

--

Buck is a happy but sloppy drunk, but Eddie’s learned over the years that there’s a point in Buck’s drinking that is optimal for him: happy and affectionate, his hands roaming all over Eddie’s body and his mouth spilling words of adoration.

That’s the place Eddie’s trying to find tonight.

It takes a few hours, time he spends making out with his husband while wrapped up in his arms, sprawled out across the blanket with their legs tangled together. Finally, after Buck spends at least five minutes talking about the perfect softness of Eddie’s bottom lip (five minutes because he’s kept interrupting himself to kiss Eddie), he excuses himself under the guise of getting water, grabs his guitar, and heads back outside.

Buck’s sitting up, leaning back to look at the stars—the view isn’t as good as it was in El Paso when he’d drive out of town and into the desert, but it’s decent enough, and it means Buck doesn’t see him coming until he sits down next to him. He’s not sure what to say so he doesn’t, just strums a few chords and when he knows he has Buck’s attention, he starts to sing.

His voice shakes, and he transitions to the wrong chord at one point and has to hope Buck doesn’t notice, but he gets through it. He stares down the whole time, both because he’s not great at finding his fingering without looking and because he’s terrified to look at Buck’s face and see a hint of judgement, or amusement, or—anything, really. So when he finished and finally looks up, he’s a little stunned to see tear tracks glinting off Buck’s cheeks in the low light of the dying fire.

“Eddie,” he whispers, “I love you so much.”

And then Buck’s moving the guitar, setting it down gently at the edge of the blanket, and pressing Eddie backwards as he straddles his hips and leans down to kiss him.

“I love you,” Buck whispers, and Eddie feels him everywhere, hands on his arms and waist, “I love you,” wet lips kissing across his jaw up to his lips, “I love you, Eddie, I love you.”

Eddie sings to him again.

[happysoldlady]

Safe - Ezekiel Reyes

a/n: I’m really out here writing an EZ drabble after making him in sims for @imagineredwood​ El Destino fanfic. I’m really going through a phase. hope you all enjoy!

There had been very few times in EZ’s life where he would say that he felt safe. Maybe when he was a boy, wrapped up in the arms of his mother, Marisol. Or maybe even as a teenager, when he knew that Papa Reyes would always defend him. But to say that he’s ever felt safe in his adult life would be a lie. EZ hasn’t been able to relax in years, it seems. Not since he pulled the trigger that night, and probably not for several months before then either. 

But there was something about you. Something contradicting about the way you were the most graceful person he knew, and also the clumsiest. EZ could admit that you weren’t graceful in the conventional way. That, he knew, the minute you burnt your leg trying to get onto his bike. No, you were graceful for all the ways that you loved him, and his family (including his slew of patched brothers). You were graceful for the way that you showed empathy for everyone you met. You were graceful for the way you were the same honest and caring person, even when no one was looking. 

EZ found himself drawn to you, lulled into a security that he hadn’t felt in years. After a hard day of trying to please his brothers, and also his actual brother, he would race home to you. Sometimes you were up waiting for him, but when you had work early the next day, he would find his plate in the microwave, with a note letting him know how much you loved him. EZ always figured that he could do without the note, the fact that you left him a plate saying enough, but he never complained. In fact, he kept all the notes that you left him in his wallet as reminders of your love for him. 

Sometimes when he found himself alone in a tunnel at 3AM, he would use the light from his lamp to dig one out and ease his anxiety. As a man in his situation, fear was never an option, but man or not, he still had worries and your notes provided him with enough solace and motivation to get the job done. If not for any other reason, than so he could go home and see you curled in a ball in the bed the two of you technically shared, but so often didn’t due to his late nights. 

Tonight, was one of those nights. So when he (finally) pulled his bike into the driveway at damn near 4AM, he swear he’d never felt so relieved in his life. He unlocked the front door, shuffling inside and then locking it back quietly. He removed his shoes on the mat next to the door, and then walked to the kitchen where the light above the stove was still on, telling him that there was a plate of food in the microwave. He opened it up, not even actually hungry, but really needed one of your notes. Much to his demise, he’s only met with a plate of spaghetti and two pieces of garlic bread. Despite his disappointment, he heats up the food anyway, not even able to recall eating a meal since the one he had heated up the previous night. 

Awaking to the noise of the microwave running, you can’t help but smile into the dark. He’s home. And he’s safe. That was all you could really ask for. You let out a breath and then smoothed down your bedhead before padding quietly to the kitchen. There he was, leaning against the sink with his large arms crosses over his chest as he waited for his food. His cut was hung over the back of one of the dining chairs, leaving him in just a white quarter-sleeved shirt and jeans. You smile, and as you get closer, he looks up, his face immediately full of sorrow.

“Hey baby,” He says quietly, opening his arms as you continue walking toward him. You wrap your arms around him and rest your head against his chest. “I’m sorry if I woke you.” 

You shake your head. “No. I’m glad you did. I’ve missed you.” 

The microwave beeps, signaling that his food is done but neither of you move. Relishing in the warmth of each other, both of you having missed the other. 

“God, I’ve missed you too, mi amor.” EZ whispers, planting a kiss to your head. You smile against his chest and then step back, allowing him the space so he can eat. 

“Have you eaten anything today?” You ask. The simple shrug he gives you is enough for you to know that he hasn’t. You wrap your arms around yourself as you watch him shuffle to stir the pasta, making sure it’s warm all the way through. 

He carries the plate to the table and sits, immediately digging in. You sit across from him in a comfortable silence while he eats, satiated by just being near each other. 

“I’m going to go take a shower while you eat.” You say, standing and planting a kiss to his cheek before walking off to get ready for the day. 

After about a 15 minute shower, you dry yourself off, tie your hair up into a towel and shuffle your way back to the kitchen, only to find a single, washed plate in the sink bin, and no EZ. You pout, and then turn to see him lying on the couch, in only a pair of boxers, passed out. 

You pick up his clothes and put them into the hamper, and then spread out a blanket over him but as you lean down to kiss him, he stirs awake and his beautiful brown eyes bore into yours. 

“I’m sorry. I took a little nap.” 

You smile and shake your head. “I know you’re tired, EZ. Rest.” 

He stubbornly shakes his head and sits up, a little disoriented from the short nap. “No, I wanna hang out with you.”

He sits up on the couch, tossing the blanket beside him and looks up at you. You smile and slide onto his lap, running your fingers through his hair. He looks up at you with such love and adoration that it makes your heart swell. 

And EZ, well, he’s whipped for sure. He figures that if he died right at this moment, with you on his lap, running your fingers soothingly against his scalp, he’d be satisfied. Because no matter what deal he’s made, or shit he has to put up with, he knows that right here with you is the only place in the world where he feels truly...safe?

“You wanna know something?” EZ says, figuring that he’s never really thought about it before now. You raise an eyebrow, with a small, satisfied grin. He opens his mouth, but just as quickly, he closes it and shakes his head. 

EZ watches as your eyebrows scrunch together and your hands stop moving through his hair. “No, EZ. Tell me. What is it?” 

He sighs, and tells himself that he only says it out loud because he’d tell you anything to keep your fingers in his hair. “I’ve never felt so safe in my life, as I feel when I’m with you.” He lifts his head and plants his lips against your own. The kind of kiss that leaves you breathless and wanting. The kind of kiss that you never want to end. “I love you,” He says, his lips still attached to yours. 

You smile and lean back against his thighs, watching as his eyes roll back at the small movement. “I love you too, Ezekiel.”

[missanthropicprinciple]

The monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey? Nope. Finally caved and got internet at my apartment. 

    It’s been a long time coming. For the last few years I could not afford another monthly payment even when I was working three jobs below minimum wage for 35 hours a week. I would just use internet at school, occasionally use hotspot data in an emergency, and just live off my phone the rest of the time. (I remember literally watching most of The Witcher from my phone as I ate dinner on my couch before I got a kitchen table.) But after grad school I started using Xfinity WiFi on-demand as much as I could and while it wasn’t totally cheap, I could use it when I needed it, and not get a contract or pay for it when I would visit my mom for several days of the week. So of course, they cut off on-demand because people were using multiple email accounts to get several complimentary hours a week instead of one. Xfinity could have just cut off the complimentary passes but they just cut the whole offer list which meant that people like me who are below the U.S. poverty line had to either do without internet or pick a contract. Thankfully they offer “pay as you go,” which is kind of the same thing as on-demand just without the lower tier options. Down side is I had to fork over a one-time fee of $35 for a modem kit in addition to the $45 for the month. It is what it is. 

    It took me a while to even decide to do this but I just had to bite the bullet and do it so I could get my life back, whatever that is. I’ve been staying with my mom a lot since Christmas so I haven’t really been able to set it up. I was going to wait until the perfect time to get it but there is no perfect time so I just ordered it one day. If you’ve been following my personal saga (like 3 people read this haha), you’ll know that they notified me it was on its way after it had been delivered but the package wasn’t stollen so that was good. I set it up but it didn’t work so I had to phone the help line. Luckily, I got a very nice, patient lady who activated the account/internet for me. Not 100% sure what the problem was. 

    Now to actually get back to my place. Mom had a painter in so I’ve more or less had to be here in case I was needed, etc. No real reason at all really other than just moving things. If I had my license I could just come and go as I please, get groceries without her breathing down my neck, take stuff to my apartment, move freely back and forth. But as it is I have to be in one place or another until she can drive me. Another factor is the weather. It’s currently sub-zero up north and even though the roads are safe to drive on, if the SUV breaks down it could be dangerous. The chances of that happening are very low but my mom doesn’t want to go out in it because she’s overly concerned about driving in it. If I bring it up I’ll just get verbally abused. So I have to wait. I have to wait for the weather to “warm up” to the 30sF, and I have to wait for the perfect moment to ask to go to the bank and grocery shopping. I was hoping to get back to my place tomorrow but I don’t think that will happen. 

    Everything seems to be in flux at the moment. I’ve been feeling like a hamster trapped in a maze lately so I’ve been clearing out as much of the office and spare room as I can, moving books and throwing junk away. It’s a never-ending task and instead of staying positive I hear constant negative comments like, “I don’t know HOW were’e EVER going to get those rooms cleared up.” Well, there is nothing I can say to that other than it will happen, and I’m working on it. Needless to say, tensions have been running high and I’ve been near the edge of a nervous breakdown, trapped, unable to escape, my inner self retreating somewhere inside. 

    I haven’t been able to work on my novel draft or devote enough time to planning lessons for my one pupil. I have little concentration until after midnight when I can retreat to my room knowing I won’t be interrupted, criticized, recruited, or tormented by somewhat disturbing behavior. I’ve obsessively thrown myself into film research instead of exercising, setting homework, or watching fun films. I can’t even listen to the news on my headphones without having to pause every 30 seconds to say, “what?” as I take my earbuds out. So of course, most nights, like tonight, it’s not night at all but nearly 4am. My room is silent and I have peace and quiet; the only noise is my humidifier and my typing. I am so tired and I want to sleep but I can’t give up this time to just be. And the nights I got to bed earlier I just can’t get to sleep before 2 or 3am. I get up at noon or 1pm most days now. Being back home as destroyed what tenuous grasp on a sleep schedule I had. I used to go to bed before 1am almost every night and wake up before 9am. I mentioned this and she basically said she didn’t believe me. I am exhausted. 

    The explosive anger, defensiveness, cruelty, gaslighting, illogical and irrational statements, and negativity is destroying me. So I wait until I can get my routine back that I fought so hard to get in August 2020. And I know that people judge why I haven’t “moved back” to my own place (it’s not “moving back” because I never moved out of my apartment) but I have real logistical and physical limitations that prevent me from doing what I need to do. And even if I do have a fleeting chance maybe one day out of seven I can’t take it because I am too emotionally exhausted. Regardless of what some psychiatrists may tell you, emotional exhaustion is a real symptom of CPTSD and it’s debilitating. Despite all of this, I am happy I have an internet option now, and I can’t wait to get back to my routine as soon as I can! 

[curlyhairallday]

Bump and Dumps -Part Two

Here is part two hope you like it.

Hattie had quickly realised after jumping in her yellow vw beetle on her escape from Harry their memories together were so ingrained into her life there was no way to forget him even temporarily. Even her car which she had nicknamed sunny was a constant reminder of him, he had gifted her the car as a graduation present when she’d finished university. It had been her dream car since she could remember the old fashioned Beetle was such an iconic car in her eye and she had been blown away that her best friend had given her such an amazing gift. Her and Harry had also made many memories on the back seat of her car. As she began driving down the M25 she began to panic Hattie left everything in her life to chance she trusted in the universe to lead her the correct way. I mean why wouldn’t she trust it, for it was chance that had led her to Harry originally but right now as she was driving down the M25 she realised she had removed chance. For the first time in her life she had taken a decision into her own hands.

She took a deep breath as she neared her child home in a small countryside village on the outside of London. It was no ideal for her to commute to work but it would be a temporary solution to a massive problem. The next issue was explaining the situation to her parents as she pulled up outside her little home in the middle of nowhere she felt completely broken she had not lived at home since she had left for uni at 18. She grabbed Muffin and her handbag deciding to get the rest of her limited possessions tomorrow. Muffin stirred and began to meow in confusion she had only ever been but in her cat box for the short tube journey to the vets. Hattie quickly unlocked her parents door luckily she still possessed her key. She knew her mum would be in bed but her Dad would luckily be asleep on the sofa with a random documentry in the background.

She was right she saw her Dad snoring away on the sofa she put her bags and muffin down and cuddled up to her Dad.

“Claire?” her dad questioned groggily opening his eyes.

“Hattie? Wait what are you doing here.” he sat up starring up at his daughter confusion flooding his face.

“Missed you.” she sighed snuggling further into her Dad who quickly recipriocated.

After ten minuted of her and her father hugging in silence he spoke.

“Come on then lets get to bed.” Hattie grabbed muffin and her bag following her Dad upstairs to her small childhood bedroom which unfortunately still possessed poster of the one and only Harry Styles.

“Night Dad, I love you.”

“I love you too Harriet, we will discuss everything tomorrow ok?” she quickly nodding knowing her father knew something was wrong. I mean it was kind of obvious when his almost 24 year old daughter turned up at home at 11:30 at night.

She closed her door and let Muffin out her carrier, she decided that she should probably turn on her phone and alert Harry to her taking Muffin as she had forgotten to mention it and was worried he had not noticed the carrier as she had left. Immediately as her phone turned on it sprang to life 60 messages and 34 missed calls.

21 Missed Calls from Harold

4 Missed Calls from Gem

1 Missed Call from Jeffo

2 Missed Calls from Em

6 Missed Calls from Mitch

Her texts were no better, although a few were from work about a hearing on Monday and new elements to the case she was helping represent the majority were from Harry. Emily had messaged to say she knew I had told Harry and hoped I was alright and that I was welcome to my old room as she had never gotten a new housemate after I had moved out mainly as she had never needed one in the first place and Hattie knew the offer although it was genuine was from a place of pity. She began to read through Harry’s messages.

Please come back Hat, I didn’t mean to make you feel this way.

Can you let me know you are alright and safe please.

Hattie.

This isn’t fair you didn’t give me a chance to explain. It’s my baby too Hattie.

I am sorry baby.

Please come home, I love you.

Hattie I will give you tonight but tomorrow we are talking about this I won’t let you go.

The messages continued going between desperation, declarations of love and anger which was immediately followed by an apology. Although, Harry had a temper he always realised when it had revealed its ugly head and rein it back straight away. Muffin came and curled up on her chest as she began to sob the little fur ball was very comforting and always seem to know when Hattie was down.

Gemma had also messaged her offering a place to stay for a little break and had briefly even mentioned a congratulations on the baby and her excitement to have Hattie around forever. She knew Harry would confide in Gemma and although she and Gemma were friends she knew Harry was her first priority and she was glad that he had her.

Jeff had asked her to call him back or Harry and had even joked that there was little he could do with a emotionally broken rock star.

She kept reading Harry’s messages over and over finding comfort in his words but she knew she couldn’t do anything until she was no longer confused about him, her future and of course the baby. She sent Harry a quick message.

I am safe. Muffin is with me. I will call you sometime next week.

Harry was on the phone to Gemma when he saw her text he let out a sigh of relief, one because he thought that he had accidentally let Muffin out when he had gone to see if Hattie had truly gone and he knew how much that cat meant to her if he lost Muffin he may as well give up on ever speaking to her again. Although part of him had secretly hoped the cat had escaped so he could demand her to come back and search for her. Secondly, because he knew she was safe which was an absolute priority for him always had been thats why inside the house they had military level security cameras. He also installed the cameras so no matter where he was he could check she was safe he would also check she was up in the morning for work so he’d know if she was sick or running late which was something Hattie hated. He could also check she was safe home from work.

Over the three years he had tried to find a suitable match he had tried to set Hattie free he knew she couldn’t stand fame, the press or attention that's why he had always refused her to be his girlfriend. He knew he had been selfish to make her move in with him but at the time he had reasoned with himself that it was in her best interest but he knew its because he needed her. Every girl had not compared to her Camille was hopeful but she didn’t have the determination, wonder and compassion Hattie possessed. When she had first said she was pregnant he was so happy it meant that as Hattie would say the universe had confirmed he could have her. It no longer seemed like a selfish action to him, he hadn’t realised how rejected Hattie felt as soon as he realised when he was with Camille that Hattie had started to look for places elsewhere he had ended it immediately. This is what was leading to him getting into him car at 3am to drive an hour and a half to his love.

He panicked during the drive what if she rejected him? What if she doesn’t want the baby? He had fallen in love with the idea of a tiny human half him and half Hattie since the moment he met her. He was going to prove to her he did love him he did want her and he was no longer selfish he would even give up touring his second album for her and the baby if she needed him too. He’d give up everything if it meant he could have her because after three years of her he realised he couldn’t deal without her as cliche as it sounded.

Harry knocked on her door he was unsure what welcome he would get as not only was it 4:30am but he had also knocked up their daughter and caused her to leave in the middle of the night. He knew that if it was his daughter this had happened to he would knock out the guy.

“Hello Harry I expected you to not be far behind.” Hattie’s dad Simon spoke well Harry took the fact he didn’t seem angry as a good sign. Maybe Hattie had not disclosed the situation to her parents.

“Hello Simon, I am sorry it is so early.” Harry shook Simon hand and followed him into the little home. He had always loved coming here mainly due to the pictures of a small Hattie coating every wall. Also the smell of vanilla and cinnamon smell which was very closely linked to Hattie she made their own home possess the same smell.

“So why don’t you tell me what is going on? Hattie didn’t seem up to discussing things but seeing as it is just us men tell me why I should not make you leave right now. As it is obvious you have hurt my daughter.”

“Hattie is pregnant.”

Simon rose quickly from his seat his face turning red with anger.

“Tell me right now you did not tell her to get rid of my grandchild.”

“No no I would never there is nothing I want more.” Harry defended himself quickly imagining the chubby little baby a similar one to the photo of Hattie on the wall with chunky little fat rolls and a cheeky smile.

“I think she is confused. She doesn’t think what we have is enough.”

“What do you have?” Harry knew he had to tread carefully even though Hattie was a liberal spirit especially before she met Harry. He had told him stories of her losing her virginity at 4am with her next door neighbour a boy three years older than her at just 15 under the apple tree in her garden. Although, He knew her parents were very traditional every time he had stayed here they would be put in separate room as he would sneak in at 2am to hers.

“It is confusing but I love her. I really do please I need to make her understand. I want her I want the baby I would marry her tomorrow if that’s what she needs.”

“Hold on a second there. I think you should walk before you can run son.”

Hattie sat hidden on the stairs listening to there conversation sadly though she knew he was only panicke due to her leaving and maybe he was fearful she would hide the baby from him. She knew he didn’t mean those things because if he did, he wouldn’t have waited three years to realise.

Hope you enjoy Part 2. Let me know if you have any questions or want a part three. Also does everyone love Hattie as much as me wish I was her. T x

[thunderbirdthree]

Nightmare

A/N  I can’t let Signals Part Two go can I haha. Almost losing Thunderbird Three must have been one of the most terrifying moments of Alan’s life, and he is just a kid. So here Alan has nightmares over the mission, and tries to hide it until one day he can’t anymore. Maybe I’ll write a sequel one day. I know that “Alan has a nightmare and Scott comforts him” has been done before but I’m an absolute SUCKER for those fic haha so this is my take.

Alan watched as Thunderbird Three flew away, getting smaller and smaller until it was nothing more than a spec in the distance. She was gone, Havoc had taken her and now Alan was stuck out in this junk yard. He turned around to look for Kayo, but she was gone from his side.

“Kayo?” He called out. There was no response. 

“Kayo!” He tried again, but nothing. He opened his comm line, 

“John? Can you hear me?” But there was nothing. He was alone. A bubble of fear began to rise in his chest. He moved through the junk yard, calling for Kayo, calling for John, for anyone to hear him. He wasn’t even trying to hide the panic in his voice. His heart was pounding, and his breathing was heavy, the oxygen monitor on his suit clicked down, nearing zero. 

He was going to die. Out here, alone. He was going to die, vanishing just like his father. His panic was full blown, tears streaming down his face, he tried to scream, but there was no air left and no sound came out.

Alan jolted awake. He lay on his pillows, breathing heavily as the nightmare played over and over  in his mind. His cheeks were wet with tears, and he felt sweaty all over, his chest was tight and his throat was scratchy, like he had been trying to scream and nothing had come out. He pushed himself into the sitting position and glanced over at the door. He had been having this nightmare in some form ever since Havoc stole Thunderbird Three. It changed slightly, shifting between three different scenarios, sometimes he was able to get his ship back only for them to crash into the moon sometimes Havoc disabled all the controls and he was left to drift aimlessly. One thing was always the same though. He was always alone. So far he had avoided waking his brother’s up at night, and he thought he was doing a pretty good job of hiding his sleep deprivation during the day. Between International Rescue,  building the new Zero-X and helping Gordon rehab his injury, he really didn’t want to give his brother’s anything else to worry about. Besides, he was old enough to take care of himself after a nightmare, he didn’t need to wake his brothers, well Scott really, over something so trivial. He was sixteen! Practically an adult for crying out loud! He rolled over and checked the time, 5:30AM, early, but not too early to get up and go for a run or something. He slipped out of bed, and headed out of the house and down to the beach.

By the time he got back the rest of his family was up and moving about the house. Scott was helping Gordon to the couch in the living room while Virgil had managed to chase Grandma out of the kitchen, and was making pancakes. He looked up as Alan walked in through the door.

“Good morning, Al.” Alan grinned, stealing a pancake off the plate as he made his way upstairs to shower. The run had woken him up, and looking in the mirror he was glad to see that there was no super prominent dark circles under his eyes.

The day past as smoothly as a day in the lives of International Rescue could. Movie night was canceled after Scott and Virgil got called out to Shackleton Nuclear Power Plant, but Scott had awful taste in movies so Alan wasn’t too disappointed. Eventually though, night had snuck up on them again and Scott ordered Alan to bed. He lay in his dark room, wanting to avoid going to sleep. He heard as Virgil helped Gordon into bed in the next room over before making his way down the hall to his own room. Scott came up half an hour later. Alan closed his eyes as Scott creaked the door open, probably trying to catch Alan in the act of playing video games when he was supposed to be sleeping. Seeing Alan in bed he closed the door and Alan heard him enter his own room across the hall.

When they had moved into this house all those years ago, Scott had purposely made sure his door was the closest to Alan’s because of just how often Alan would traipse into his room and climb into his bed in the middle of the night. Those days where long past now, Alan couldn’t remember the last time he had sought comfort from one of his brother’s in the middle of the night. He supposed it must have been around the time his dad has disappeared, but that time had been so difficult and stressful for them all that Alan had done everything he could to not make his brother’s worried about him. The bedroom situation hadn’t changed though, everyone had made their space their own and the idea of shuffling had never even been brought up. 

The hours ticked on. Alan could hear Gordon’s snores through the wall. Down the hall the cuckoo clock that had belonged to their mother’s mother let him know it was 3AM. He was so tired, and he couldn’t hold out anymore, his eyes slipped shut.

The dream was the one where Thunderbird Three crashed into the moon because he couldn’t pull her up in time. It seemed to play out the same as usual. He was alone in the cockpit, unable to stop her in time. Crying out for Kayo, his brothers, for anyone to help him. His lifted his arm to cover his face as his beautiful ship smashed into the moon. Every other time he had had this dream, this was the point he had woken up, but this time, it just kept going. He crawled through the wreck which was Three, desperately trying to find a way out of the crumpled hunk of metal. He found a hole, and crawled out onto the surface of the moon. He stood in front of his broken ship staring at the Earth far in the distance. He tapped on his comms again, trying one more time for some kind of response, but it was silent. Everything was silent. The oxygen monitor beeped in his suit, he only had 15 minutes of air. He could see his home, off in the distance. At least in the junkyard he didn’t have to suffocate thinking about how home was so close, here he would die in the shadow of Earth. He fell to his knees, sobbing, screaming into his helmet, not even caring about air. The Oxygen monitor clicked downward, it was getting harder and harder to breathe. His vision was going black in the corners, the monitor beeped wildly, empty. His vision went totally black.

Alan bolted up in bed, hands clutching at his throat as he drew in sharp shallow breaths. For the second night in a row he woke up with tears staining his cheeks, throat raw from silent screaming. The cuckoo clock cooed for 4AM.

Forget all dignity. He needed his brother. 

He slid out of bed, and padded across the hall to Scott’s room. He creaked open the door and eyed his brother soundly asleep in his bed. Scott wasn’t usually a deep sleeper, but he had been on a stressful mission today, and after those, he was hard to wake. For a second Alan second guessed himself, and was  about to close the door, but something stopped him. He didn’t want to be alone. He couldn’t be alone. He had to know it was all a dream. 

So he pressed forward, tiptoeing across the hardwood floor, grateful that Scott was an exceptionally neat person, because tripping and falling flat on his face was the last thing he needed in this emotional state. Reaching the edge of Scott’s bed, he looked down on his brother before taking a deep breath and climbing next to him, not daring to move the covers. Scott stirred, one eye opening.

“‘Lan?” he slurred, “wa’s wrong?” The lump reformed in Alan’s throat and he couldn't trust himself to speak. Scott was more awake now, reaching over to turn on his bedside light. The room was illuminated and Alan felt as though he was under a spotlight. Scott took one look at the tears that were still rolling down Alan’s face, and pulled him into a hug. Alan pressed his face into Scott’s white shirt. It smelled like the lilac scented detergent Grandma liked to use. Scott ran his hand up and down Alan’s back, holding him tight against his chest,  not saying anything, just offering silent comfort. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” He eventually asked, softly. Alan shook his head, he didn’t trust himself to open his mouth right now.

“Ok. Not right now then.” Scott said. Alan knew that Scott wasn’t going to forget this, and he wasn’t going to let Alan pretend it had never happened, but for tonight he wasn’t going to press and for that Alan was grateful. Maybe in the daylight it would be less painful.

Scott managed to one handedly tug the covers out from under Alan and shimmy them both under them, still holding Alan close. He turned the light off and pressed a kiss to the top of Alan’s head.

“Get some sleep Allie, I’m not going anywhere.” He started humming, an old lullaby that Alan vaguely remembered someone, probably his mother singing to him when he was a baby. Alan pressed his face farther into Scott’s shirt, smelling the lilac, feeling the steady beat of his brother’s heart under him. He wasn’t alone. Thunderbird Three was safely in her hanger and Alan was safe. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. 

And Alan did.

[nctflirts]

busy; lee donghyuck

a/n- literally nobody asked for this but its a remake of one of my old johnny fics so here,,, this is for u hyuckzens

warnings: just fluff from when I was high

You knew Donghyuck was busy.

You knew that. It was okay that he was busy, he was finally getting to do what he loved with some of his closest friends.

It was okay that you weren’t one of them anymore. And no matter how much it hurt not seeing him, you never brought it up. Not in the midst of his hurried texts.

You weren’t going to be that best friend.

You weren’t going to be the love struck best friend who wanted all of his attention.

Because at the end of the day, you only wanted what was best for him.

But it’s nights like tonight.

Nights like now when you’re lying awake in bed, remembering how his laugh sounds like your favorite song, and how lovely his hugs were.

That’s when it hurts a little. You couldn’t sleep, his voice playing on repeat for hours on end, never taking a break as you replayed every good memory you’d ever had with him.

You don’t know why you were sulking like this. It was stupid. Nothing had happened. He was just busy. And you didn’t need to be awake right now.

So when your phone dinged at 2:13am, you were confused. And even more so to see his name on your screen.

You lay there in the pitch dark, your heart aching and your skin tingling remembering his eyes. Maybe it was fate that he was texting you right now.

Right now, when he’s the reason you can’t sleep.

hey, are you awake? sent 2:13am

What kind of a question was that? There was no logical reason you should be awake right now.

But here you were.

yep! read 2:14am

Was that it? He really texted you this damn early and got your heartbeat up for that? You rolled your eyes. How the HELL did you let yourself get this infatuated? You waited a minute. A minute turned into five, then ten. You looked at your phone again. Nothing. This bitch. Your heart felt more hurt than you thought possible, and for no reason. He couldn’t leave you hanging like this.

did you want something? read 2:26am

Nothing for another 5 minutes. It took everything in you not to heave your phone across the room. You were just about to give up and return to your lovesick slumber when you felt a buzz, and your heart jumped.

hey bab! sorry, i was in practice. couldn’t respond. I’m hungry :( sent 2:32am

This was your chance. THIS WAS YOUR FUCKING CHANCE You willed your hands not to shake as you typed out slowly.

aw, let’s go get something to eat then! read 2:33am

At this ungodly hour. It wasn’t even seconds before he responded.

deadass? BC I’m down 100% sent 2:33am

Yeah, deadass! You jumped out of your bed, so fast and with such energy, you felt lightheaded for a moment. You quickly put on some sweatpants, and one of your hoodies. You knew you probably looked like shit, but at this moment, you just wanted to see him.

walking to McDonalds now. read 2:40am

McDonald’s had been your favorite meetup spot, seeing as it was a 3 minute walk from your apartment and a 10 minute drive from his. You walked briskly down the empty roads, not scared in the least. You didn’t have time to be scared. You were seeing him.

You were genuinely shocked when you find him inside the restaurant already. You give him a questioning glance as you walked in, the AC’s cold air hitting you hard.

also,

He looks like a fucking angel. His sweatpants were hanging off of his hips, his sweater was loose against his body, but still showing off his frame.

You swear he’s somehow gotten taller. It takes every bone in your body not to run to him, but you smile your widest and biggest smile as you approach the male standing in line. For a second, you were unsure if you should hug him or not, even though you wanted nothing more, but to your pleasant surprise, he engulfed you in a bear hug that made you almost completely disappear.

You nuzzled his chest shyly as he rocked back and forth, arms locking you to him. This is the best feeling in the fucking world.

Being with him. He didn’t pull away for a while, instead holding you there, as he looked at the menu.

Finally, you grunted.

"Hyuck. I can't breathe.” You managed, laughing. Your heart felt untouchable right now.

You felt so distinctly safe.

He chuckled as he let you go, but kept his arm around you. And you tried to etch the feelings and the sounds into your heart. The workers behind the counter were waiting impatiently.

At 2:45am, there were only a good 3 customers. One girl coughed, as if to remind you of your surroundings. You felt your cheeks heat up. After you’d both ordered, you walked over to the window, looking outside at the half moon and the clear, midnight sky.

You felt Donghyuck's body heat behind you and see his reflection in the glass and smiled at his comepletely undone hair.

“I missed you.” Finnaly, his voice broke the comfortable silence.

You could have screamed, and you gulped to keep from. Did he miss miss you? Or just…. casually miss you? You gulped.

"I missed you. More.” You turned to look up at him, and his eyes closed as he smiled, grabbing your hands in his and putting them on his face. You were so close to him. Your hands cupping his cheeks, you wanted to kiss him more than anything.

He felt it too. He’d known for the longest time how you felt. You never even had to tell him, because felt the same. He loved you with every bone in his body.

But he was scared when you hadn’t reached out in a while. Terrified you didn’t love him anymore.

He just wanted to kiss you.

Right now. In this cold ass McDonald’s at 3am.

Your faces neared each other involuntarily, almost as an instinct. You felt your heart stop and start at the same time.

"____? Donghyuck?” The woman behind the counter snapped the both of you out of it, motioning to your ready orders on the counter.

This was some movie shit. You blushed as his eyes fluttered open and he smiled.

A soft smile as he walked up to the counter. You followed him as he walked out of the door, not knowing where exactly he was taking you, but you trusted him.

You chuckled when his lanky frame climbed the hood of his car. You followed suit, his strong hands helping you up onto the very top. You smiled contentedly as he handed you your fries.

“Thank you.” You say softly. He hums.

You then begin your talk. You weren’t sure how long you talked, but you were both finished with your meals and he had gotten down to throw the trash away at least twice and you were still talking. You lay flat on the hood, and he watches your face as you scan the starless sky.

"Stunning.” He said, audibly. You eyes snapped open.

"Huh?”

“I said you’re stunning.” He repeated, a crooked smile playing on his lips. Your heart screamed.

“It’s too early for this, Lee Donghyuck.” You brush it off, breaking the gaze you were sharing and looking up at the few stars scattered in the sky.

You felt his gaze on you and you pushed his face away with your hand. “Stop looking at me!” You’d whine.

He laughed a big, hearty laugh, throwing his head back and messing up his hair even more as you tell him to shut up. You couldn’t help but smile at his laugh, locking that in your heart for later, too.

"You know something?” He said thoughtfully. “These last few months have been absolute hell.”

You nod, sighing. He deserves better.

“Like absolute fucking shit.” He continues.

“Practice is that hard?” You sit up, resting on your elbows.

"No.” He says, then backtracks. “I mean, yes. But that’s not why it’s hell. It’s been hell because I haven’t seen you.”

Your cheeks are probably ridiculously red, and you thank the heavens for the bad street lights, hoping he won’t see.

He does.

"You’re one of the most important things in my life, you know? Like, you’ve always been. And you’ll always be my priority.”

You groaned, throwing your head back at the affection, but you actually think you might die.

You sit up fully now, reaching for his hand and brushing his fingers. He’s been working hard, you swore they hadn't been that rough before. You brought his hand to your mouth, kissing the back of it.

“I love you.” He smiles at his lap. He’s gotten shy now. Your heart was beating wildly.

“Let’s not go months without seeing each other again, okay?” He says slowly, looking up at you. You nod, his hand still in yours. You just stare at each other for a moment, your eyes scanning his and vice versa.

Everything in you wanted to tell him he was your world.

Everything in you wanted him. His lips parted slowly, and your eyes momentarily flickered down to them.

Fucking hell, his lips.

He noticed, because he licked them immediately after. You cleared your throat.

“Hyuck?”

“Hm?”

"If I kissed you right now, what would you do?” You ask slowly, and within seconds you feel him kissing you. Your heart came to a complete stop and still managed to beat faster than it ever had before.

The kiss was gentle.

You could still taste the burger on him.

There was no fighting for domination, just two people melting into one with each other. Your hands clung his and his found his way to your neck, and you felt him chuckle.

here you were, at 4am, in a McDonald’s parking lot making out with your best friend.

[taronfanfic]

Graduate’s Escape

Chapters 1-31 are here

Chapter 32

The next few days were difficult to say the least. Everything felt numb. Then painful. Then numb again. You moped around your flat, sobbed into your pillow, questioned your decision at 2am, 3am, 4am. Every time you picked up your phone to call him you saw his face looking back at you from your lock screen. You saw the twinkle in his eyes, the happiness of his smile, and the now overwhelming cuteness of his dimples. It made you sob. You hated yourself for the pain you’d caused him and the same image reappeared over and over in your mind. The sight of him hugging his knees as he sat on the floor, his head buried down against his chest. It destroyed you so much that you lost the ability to call or text him. A blessing in disguise.

Emily knew instantly as soon as she saw your face. You’d somehow dragged yourself through the shower and into work, barely looking presentable but you really didn’t care.

“Y/N, what the hell happened?” her arms engulfed your fragile frame and your body ached to cry but couldn’t.

“I left him.” You said weakly.

“It’s ok, it’s ok.” Emily knew not to ask questions yet. She sat you down at the bar and poured out a shot of vodka. As you reached out for the small glass you were hit with a flashback to Taron pouring you shots at the end of your shift on your first night together. The glass stayed between your fingertips as your head dropped down against the bar.

“What have I done?” You mumbled against the wooden surface.

“Drink up and tell me what happened.” Emily ordered you. “It’s going to be dead in here tonight anyway, everyone’s doing ‘Dry January’.” You lifted the glass to your lips and let the vodka drain slowly into your mouth so you could feel the full effect of its warmth and burn.

“He wanted me to quit my job and move to L.A with him for the next 2 months, leaving on Monday.”

“What!” Emily scoffed back.

“That was my exact reaction!”

“Wow. I did not see that coming!” Emily poured out another shot of vodka for you in sympathy.

“What would you have said?” You asked her before knocking it back.

“I… Erm.. I don’t even know! …What did you say?”

“I said no fucking way!”

“High five to that! I don’t want you disappearing off to the far side of America. I can’t believe he just asked you like that. That’s like… a major life decision that needs serious thought!”

“He didn’t even ask me properly. I found him looking at houses over there and then he’d already gone and rented us one!” You could feel your anger seeping back as you retold the full story to Emily.

“What the hell?! Is it just Taron being an idiot, or are all guys like this? Do I need to be worried about James now?”

“No, James is a good guy. Plus you already live together and work in the same city so you won’t have this problem. You two are set!” You reassured Emily even though you knew she wasn’t genuinely worried.

“I thought you and Taron were too though! Has he messaged you since you ended it, or been round to your flat?”

“No. I’ve not heard a thing from him… Do you think he’ll come in here tonight?” You cautiously looked over to the door.

“He might.” Emily shrugged back to you. “Do you want to see him?” You dropped your head back down to the bar as the age old head vs heart feelings cascaded around your body. Your heart ached for him. You missed him. He was a total mess when you left him and you desperately wanted to know if he was ok. Silence was the last thing you expected from him and it had you worried.

“Yes.” You answered her as you lifted your head. “But also no… I know I’d cave instantly just so I’d stop feeling like this… Stop feeling so fucking guilty.”

“But you shouldn’t feel guilty for having the strength to end it. You should take some pride from being able to put yourself first, from being able to say no to someone you love. So many people make mistakes from doing the opposite. He wanted you to do the compromising so he didn’t have to! Yes you can feel sad, and you can miss him and all the fun you had together, but I won’t let you feel guilty for leaving him, Y/N. He’s not innocent in all of this.” There was something about the way Emily spoke; the clarity and certainty in the tone of her voice. It was the first thing to have succeeded in comforting you. Having someone else tell you you’ve done the right thing made it much easier to accept. You got to your feet, ventured round the end of the bar and pulled Emily in for a hug.

***

Monday came and went. Taron was officially out of the country and still hadn’t been in touch. It made you wonder if he’d taken your words too literally. This was the cleanest break you’d ever seen to a relationship and you couldn’t bear the silence. It made you anxious and you hated it.

Y/N: Hope you’re ok and everything goes well with the shoot. Xx

It seemed like such a feeble text to send but you didn’t know what else to say.

Taron: Thanks.

His reply was instant and stark. It caused a cold shiver to shudder down your spine. Texting him was a bad move. He wasn’t up for small talk, but at least you knew he was still alive. The bluntness gave you the kick up the arse you needed too. You couldn’t carry on like this. January wasn’t made for moping. There was only one thing for it:

New Year, new start.

***

The pile of completed canvases were stacking up against your wall. Your ideas were flowing freely and your motivation was high. You found yourself reaching for colours you wouldn’t usually use. Blacks and Greys took the place of Green’s and Yellow’s. What once looked fresh and vibrant was instead cast with shadows and darkness. It was therapeutic. It gave you an emotional release. You were determined to make the most of this time and give it everything you had. Focusing on work kept your mind busy and following your dream kept your heart happy for now.

It seemed ambitious but you had nothing to lose so you headed down to Shoreditch one afternoon. You dipped in and out of a few places so you could drop off some business cards and take a closer look around at the galleries. Nowhere stood out so you made the short walk over to Hoxton, instantly knowing you’d found the right place when you saw the Cambridge Blue exterior. The gallery was light and spacious, it’s clean white walls juxtaposed against the industrial style lighting. It had a wrought iron spiral staircase near the corner which lead up to a smaller balcony. It was perfect.

The owner talked you through the contract details for hiring the gallery for a weekend long exhibition. It was going to be pricey but you kept telling yourself it was just an investment. You only had to sell a couple of pieces to get a decent return. The excitement definitely outweighed the risk and in only 6 short weeks you’d be hosting your first ever art exhibition!

[flyswhumpcenter]

Clé de Voûte [Fever February Day 14 - Feverish Confessions]

FEVER FEBRUARY INDEX

Summary: Everything has just went so wrong before, he can't allow things to go even worse. What a shame, his mind has gone insomniac, unable to sleep, invaded by black clouds of negative thoughts and what ifs. If you take out the keystone, everything falls apart. That's why someone needs to keep the gears in place, and it'll be him.

Except it doesn't go the way things should go.

Fandom: IDOLiSH7 (which is probably gonna end my laifu for being an idiot and a creep I’m deeply sorry)

Word Count: 3.4K words

Notes: I kept spamming Lordi with quotes because I was afraid of going overly edgy as if I was developping Shadow the Hedgehog. This is half "trying to fit myself in Iori's shoes" and half "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAANGST". Sorry for any OOCness, you could guess it's the first time I'm writing stuff for I7 hahaha plz end me

If I had to place it in the actual game/anime chronology, it would be after Music Festa for sure, before the end of Part 1 too, but where exactly it would stand between these? Hmmm good question.

seriously I'm sorry what am I doing i don't even know shit about idols

Content warnings for implied panic/anxiety attack and spoilers until Part 1 Chapter 11/Episode 10. Also a shitton of headcanons.

AO3 version available here.

The plan was simple: deal with exams the day, deal with the idol business afterwards, find some time for school and homework on the evening, sleep, rinse and repeat. It was fairly easy. It was all a question of balancing things out properly. Nothing he couldn’t, wouldn’t, wouldn’t be able to manage, in short.

And while it worked until then, everything fell apart when he got insomnia.

The eight hours of sleep were essential to the plan. Thanks to them, he could have enough energy to go through, as easily as ever, everything he had to do. Everyone was counting on him, from his band members to their manager.

But if he couldn’t get what he needed, then it would all fall apart, and he couldn’t bear failure. Not after the catastrophe at Music Festa. He had to hold it together, just so he could prove (probably to himself, but also to all the others) he had everything in control when, really, it was less and less the case.

As exams ended, they’ve had to take care of the web show. That’s all he could think of, in his bed: he knew he had succeeded at the exams, but he was… worried for the show. The guys kept derailing everything, from spoiling what was planned at the end of the broadcast to teasing each other until one of them burst out. Luckily, he never burst out.

He rolls around. This isn’t time to be unable to find sleep. What worries him is that he’s seen his sleep dwindle with days passing. It has gone from eight, to seven, to six, to barely a couple hours, to tonight. No sleep. He’s going for a full-on sleepless night.

3AM. He’s still up and running. Maybe he should go outside, breathe some air and come back. Maybe a walk will help him. It’s settled. He’s getting back into casual clothes, quickly, and makes his way through the dorm, in near complete silence.

Outside is empty. Desert. Cold. The temperature is, after all, the only thing which it doesn’t have in common with the inside of his room. He walks around the lit streets, waiting for something to happen so he can recover his sleep. He feels tired, if not downright exhausted, but if his mind is elsewhere and his heart growing in panic, exhaustion won’t make anything better.

That’s the issue. Black thoughts, clouding his brain and capacity to think properly. He knows his schedule is broken with no hope of fixing it in time for the next shows. It’s as if, as soon as anyone breaks out from the script he’s helped writing, he loses minutes of sleep he unexpectedly needs more than team spirit and whatever idol bands are supposed to do to keep it together.

He knows he won’t avoid that one because they’re only three on the stage. Nanase, his brother and him. All the others are torn between auditions, MEZZO” and filming. And that’s fine, because the group needs to extend their perspectives before they can all debut together, as seven, as it was always meant to be.

What’s not fine is the fact he’s now insomniac.

He takes that back. There’s something else wrong with him and which interferes with his scripts and plans and schedules. A… feeling of weakness. At least it’s not a cough or a cold. That’s the only thing which could be worse. He can’t be sick. He’s barely sick anyway, and while his perfect record of perfect acts got destroyed by his own failure, he intends on keeping his sickness record straight with none. Nothing.

Does he even know what an illness feels like? He’s seen his brother being sick before. That’s how he knows how it looks like in other people. There is a difference between the regular sicknesses he sees around and Nanase’s condition. That, he’s sure of too. And what he’s sure to, is how dreadful things could go for everyone would his health fail him.

He has to fix that insomnia, but he couldn’t find sleeping pills in the dorms, and he clearly doesn’t have enough time to lose to go buy some in a pharmacy. Right when he needs to be perfect, because show must go on, it’s like his own body has decided not to comply. It ignores what’s at stake, and he hates that. One failure, not two. One let-down, not two. What makes failures okay to the eyes of others is the fact you can and are expected to fix your mistakes.

Insomnia isn’t fixing anything. It’s breaking everything he’s built up. Just shows how easy to break something, as finely crafted as it can be.

Fixing an issue also requires knowing where said issue comes from. He can’t say he doesn’t know where it could have all started: having to balance between the band and school, while running the entire show from the shadows with or through the Manager, while having to be the solid one of them all. It wasn’t supposed to be that stressful. Why is it so stressful anyway? Why does he angst over it like that, wandering hopelessly in the streets in the middle of the night as if that was going to fix anything, including his insomnia?

He wonders how anybody hasn’t noticed his dark rings. Or, at least, how anybody hasn’t noticed the make-up he’s using to try and fix that slip-up. Maybe he’s just that good at make-up too. Or maybe nobody has the time nor attention left to notice such a tiny detail. Maybe it complements his hair, or his eyes. He’s always been… dull compared to the others.

Yes, he’s always been… that guy. The guy nobody really wants to talk to, because he’s harsh and almost poisonous, but whom everybody has to one day ask something about because he’s good at organizing, management, studies and sports alike. That’s how he entered the school council, back in his former high school. Clearly, it wasn’t for his charisma or his personality.

And in the unit, it’s the same. Everyone shines by themselves and in the group alike, with colourful personalities to boot. If he is to be focused upon, it’s because he gets associated with the much more colourful and endearing Nanase. He can’t pretend like he isn’t admiring Nanase: his voice is their best weapon, his innocence and never-ending energy makes everyone’s eyes shimmer, a shooting star on stage.

No, he’s just a pillar. There’s nothing exceptional about him when it comes to idol performances. He’s average at singing, average at dancing, average at team cohesion. He’s just average. A necessary gear in the complex machine that is IDOLiSH7, of course, but not what shines the most. He’s the hidden gear. Of course, he’s doing everything just right, as always, without much difficulty. That’s why, as opposed to his brother working his hardest with finding a spot in the unit and his worth as an idol, he has time to worry about Nanase and scripts.

Of course, it’s not because his role isn’t shining that it’s not necessary to the machine. Would he derail, the entire organisation would fall apart. He doesn’t want to show his lesser sides to his companions. Once was more than enough. A character-forging moment for everyone, including him, because there laid his worst fear.

Failure.

It was brand new, for him. The feeling of having done something the wrong way, breaking dreams, shattering hopes. He wanted to disappear, leave forever, never to be seen again. But they caught him back. Told him it wasn’t his fault, when it was. It was his entire fault and he could only blame himself for it. It was hard to think for him he could had been forgiven for it. Because of it, because of him, he had thrown their situation in jeopardy as everyone was trying to make up for a delayed debut. They’re still trying to get out of it.

All because of him.

Eventually, he’s back at the dorm. It’s 4AM, and he still doesn’t feel like sleeping. He feels anxious. He, usually, doesn’t feel anxious. Exams don’t scare him. Being an idol shouldn’t scare him, but his fears have caught up to him. Fears he didn’t know he had in the first place. Fears which emerged from realizing how far things can go would he mess up.

And that’s why he’s resolved not to fail anyone, starting with himself.

7AM, Saturday. It’s not too early for him to exit his room and make his way into the kitchen, just so he can eat breakfast. He’s not that hungry, but just like he doesn’t sleep for the pleasure of sleeping, he eats because he needs energy, the energy his sleep won’t give him. Breakfast is going to light and effective, just like it should be, because he doesn’t have time to be lethargic. Even if he does feel a bit lethargic…

Like everybody, he felt tired before in his life, but not to that extent. It’s all because his schedule got broken by some kind of ailment of which’s escape is unclear. He needs to find a way to break out of it, but that requires thinking about it, and right now, he has something else on his mind, including a throbbing sensation. He’ll have to check for medicine again.

Problem: while almost everybody is already out, his brother is still in the dorm, and right now, he’s arriving in the kitchen to eat breakfast too. And he forgot to put on something to hide his rings. He has to come up with an excuse, in case he asks… He would hate to lie to him, but if it’s necessary, he’s willing to do so.

“Oh, good morning Iori!” his brother speaks to him as soon as he notices him, “I wasn’t expecting you to be up so late.”

“Good morning,” his voice seems to struggle exiting his throat, “big brother.”

“Ready for tonight’s live? We’re four down, but I’m sure we’ll do something great and fun for our fans to watch!”

“Of course.”

Mitsuki gets a bowl and some cereals out, grabs some orange juice and sits right in front of him. His cheerful expression sours out.

“Hey,” he looks his younger brother’s eyes, “you don’t look like you’re doing so good, no?”

“I’m perfectly fine, brother.”

Orange eyebrows frown.

“C’mon, you’re lying to your big bro now? This isn’t like you.”

“I take optimal care of my health. It would be unprofessional of me not to.”

Before his sibling can add anything, he gets up from the table, waving a quick “I have to see the Manager” and leaves the room. Shouts about his unfinished cereals (they were almost nauseating to look at…) make him think he better hurry to the bathroom, or somewhere where he can lock himself because Mitsuki’ll always find a way. That’s how great he is.

His luck is extraordinary when he hears Rokuga and Nanase enter the room. They’re giving him a distraction so he can at least hide his dark rings from everybody else. Worrying people will make the gears fall apart. And he doesn’t want the gears to derail and ruin the machinery. That’s why he has to stay strong, head up, as if he wasn’t an insomniac. Washing his face will make it better. Putting on make-up will make it better.

He puts on some under his eyes, blend it, but it remains. The darkness remains, half-hidden underneath a layer of flesh-coloured products. His eyes attempt on shutting down on their own, but he forces them open. He won’t back down. One failure, not two.

When he goes back into the room, because there is a show later today and all, his fellow companions have been dwindled to his brother and Nanase. Good. The less people there, the less people to convince. Their manager soon urges into the room, chippering about today’s plan. Today is a morning of training (at three people, it’s going to be a challenging task, isn’t it) and an afternoon of broadcasting their web show.

At least, she doesn’t seem to notice everything wrong with any of them, which includes him. Good, because he’s starting to feel a bit weird. His head is spinning a little. He spots his brother staring at him, angry, worried. He has to be reassured, and without a question, he’s decided to do so.

“Welcome to An IDOLiSH7 Night with You! I’m Nanase Riku, and I’m very happy to see you all once more!”

The show opens on the three of them sitting on these familiar seats, smiling to the camera and to their manager happily holding signs. Well, as happy as he can naturally be. A small smirk is enough: Nanase and his brother are going to be in the spotlight during the entire broadcast anyway.

“I’m Izumi Mitsuki! I hope you all have an awesome day!”

“And I’m Izumi Iori.”

Once again, they go off-script very fast. They spew out end-of-the-show information as if it was some cheap candy given out to kids. It’s all laughs, giggles, and he’s retaining to scream inside because he knows it’ll come out weaker than usual. He tries to interact with them, just so nobody notices anything. It… doesn’t work very well: his earing is getting muffled.

That’s not how it’s supposed to be. He’s supposed to be proactive, even if it’s after the both of them. He can’t catch up with them, he even feels breathless. His breathing gets quicker and quicker, as if getting out of control. He can’t panic, but he’s downright wondering what the hell he can do. The spinning won’t stop now.

As Nanase happily rambles about the comments, and his brother looks over the laptop screen with a wide grin, he tries to prevent himself from falling asleep. Or passing out. He’s unsure whether or not he’s about to lose consciousness or if it’s just his insomnia vanishing. The knots inside his stomach and throat tighten even more.

Darkness creeps around the corners of his vision. Worse than not understanding then realizing his failure as it’s happening, is seeing it come his way. He knows he can’t do much about it anymore, and it’s the worst feeling. Not only is he failing: everybody can notice so, himself the first, as he doesn’t control anything about the show, his appearance, his behaviour. This isn’t what was supposed to be.

He was supposed to keep everything in check, taking upon himself to succeed.

Instead, he’s just failing, panicking, and just wants to hide his face inside his hands.

He suddenly feels very bad. It’s not sleep coming towards him, it’s consciousness leaving his body. He can’t pass out on stage. That’s not professional. That’s not what’s supposed to happen. It can’t happen. It’s not scripted. It’s not proper.

He wants to leave, disappear, die, vanish in an instant, never be seen again, because it knows it’s coming for him despite his best efforts.

The stage is no more than bright, burning, blurry stains of colour around him, twirling and twirling. His entire head pounds and throbs. This isn’t what’s supposed to happen. This isn’t how it should be. He shouldn’t on the verge of passing out.

An orange silhouette comes into his blurry frame. There’s something, probably hands, holding his arms.

“Iori! Iori, answer me!! Goddammit, say something, anything!!”

“Big… big bro…” his voice has gone dim. It’s hard to speak when it’s already hard to breathe.

“What the hell are you…”

A red blob, presumably Nanase, gets into the frame too.

“Manager, please stop the camera!! There’s something wrong with Iori!!”

This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen…

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be…

This wasn’t in the script…

This wasn���t the end it was meant to have…

There’s tears running down his eyes and face. He hears their manager fret over, panic even, before screaming in stops, running towards them on her small heels. He didn’t want them to stare at him as if he was dying. He’s not dying. He’s just a bit under the weather…

“What’s wrong, Iori?!” Nanase asks, yelling as if to make sure he was going to hear it.

“I’m calling a doctor! Riku, Mitsuki, please take care of him meanwhile!”

His brother’s eyes are being insistent on him. He doesn’t have to distinguish them to know that. The strong grip alone is enough. The sound of heels appears again, only to sink into silence again…

“I… I…”

It’s like it can’t even exit his mouth.

“I don’t know…”

He wishes he could see their faces right now.

“I knew something was wrong…” the brother growls, clutching for his sibling’s remaining fragments of consciousness.

“What does he have?”

“I don’t have a single idea, Riku,” the voice fades away despite his yelling undertone, “but he’s never done such a thing before!”

Hands on his back. Nanase’s, for sure, as he feels something on his forehead. He almost feels like he isn’t touching anything anymore.

“He’s running a fever!”

The horrified tone in Mitsuki’s voice is almost out of character. He’s never heard him scream in such fear.

“Why didn’t you tell us anything, Iori? You were insisting on us being aware of Riku’s condition, why didn’t you tell us?!”

It’s like he’s blaming a chronic circumstance which could bomb the group as much as a small, albeit odd, occurrence.

“Didn’t know I was… sick…” slurs out of his mouth. It’s not even a proper answer.

He chokes back on a sob. This is too much. The camera stopped rolling, and he has both his brother and his friend looking over him as if he was passing away. Sobs lead to cough. He can’t breathe. His head won’t stop hurting. He can’t even look at them both properly anymore, both out of shame and out of physical difficulties. Technical difficulties.

“That wasn’t supposed to happen… I’m sorry…”

“Iori…” Nanase’s voice trails off, soft, almost soothing. The shooting star he wishes he would see in his dark night of clouds.

“Why’s that, ‘it wasn’t supposed to happen’?” His brother asks with little less impulsion. “What wasn’t supposed to happen?”

“That…” he keeps on choking, it pains his throat. “That… I’m supposed to… do it all flawlessly… Yet I… I…”

He clutches his eyes shut. He only wants to see darkness and hear silence.

“I failed everything…! I… can’t even sleep anymore…”

His brother gulps, tears him away from Nanase’s hands and clutches him against him.

“You idiot! You should had told us… You’re probably thinking you can’t do anything wrong because of last time, and that got to you, hasn’t it?”

He simply nods.

“That’s stupid, everybody screws up from time to time. Even you, Iori. You shouldn’t make yourself sick over being perfect, ’cause nobody’s perfect, y’know?”

“B-but… I did it live… and…”

“You shouldn’t care about that. It’s going to be okay. Calm down, nobody is going to scold you for being unwell. Just tell us next time.”

His eyes close down without a warning, and he finally gets to see this welcomed darkness.

“What does he have?” asks Tsumugi as she walks up to the seventh member of the band.

“According to Mitsuki,” Riku replies pointing at the room with his thumb, “it’s mostly a lack of sleep and stress. Man, I didn’t know Iori was going through so much…”

The manager’s face dims too, as she looks at the floor.

“The doctor said he was going to be fine in a few days, though. I’m sure he’ll get better real fast and understand it’s okay to be under the weather sometimes.”

“I hope so too. We can only count on the future and what’s to come, right? I’ll prepare the explanation for the broadcast getting cut short, and I’ll explain the situation to the others…”

“No, Manager! Let Mitsuki do it, please! I’m sure he gets what’s been going through Iori’s mind better than we do.”

A soft smile appears on the girl’s face.

“You’re right, Riku… I’ll let Mitsuki take care of this. For now, let’s resume work and occasionally check up on how things are going!”

Tsumugi leaves swiftly, leaving Riku alone. He sighs: this really was weird. Weird, and worrying, but the worry part mostly goes to his older friend who’s probably having some kind of older brother stress. He can’t say he’s not familiar with it, being on the receiving end of it during all of his childhood.

He doesn’t need to look into the room to be sure Mitsuki’s either guarding his brother like a dog or explaining him why it’s okay. He’ll go after him. He needs to check up on his friend himself.

[cheetochani]

It’s You [Zuho]

in which you’ve liked him since forever, but he’s got a girlfriend now

word count: 1,724

“Say I have a friend who has a girlfriend,” Juho asked you in the middle of your conversation with him, throwing you off completely.

“How did we go from whether or not Dawon’s toe is broken to a friend you have who has a girlfriend?” You mumbled, taking a sip of the coffee he bought you. You watched as he looked away nervously and shoved the rest of his cupcake in his mouth, dragging his hands down his face.

“I… I just need advice for this friend,” Juho leaned his elbows on the table and rested his head on his palms so he was closer to you and blew his bangs out of his face, making your lips twitch up and your heart flutter at how cute he was acting. “So, this friend hasn’t dated in a while. But now he is and he doesn’t know what to do? Help?”

“Maybe this friend should be the one to come to me about this, not you,” you patted his face and bit into a piece of cheesecake. Juho groaned and leaned his head on the table - everyone in the cafe you two had been in had turned to look at you immediately, frowning at the weird guy with bright pink hair who kept groaning every three seconds. “People are looking, Juho.” You furrowed your eyebrows - why had he been acting so weird about this entire thing?

“There’s a small chance that I may be the friend I’m referring to,” he peeked up at you to see your reaction and you frowned, taking another sip of your coffee. You hadn’t fully processed what he had said until he slid his phone over to you, letting you see his recent text messages all from someone with a heart emoji by their name. “I’m the friend with a girlfriend, help me?” You choked on your coffee.

  And that’s how you ended up in Taeyang’s dorm at 3AM with tears running down your face and smudged mascara, most likely looking like you had just had the breakdown of your life. Which, quite honestly, wasn’t that far from the truth.

Taeyang’s eyes widened at the sight of you standing in front of the dorms, and he immediately cursed and brought you in. As soon as he shut the door behind him, you burst into tears and went limp in his arms.

“It’s okay,” he mumbled into your hair, sighing and pressing a kiss to the top of your head as he pulled you into a tighter embrace. You had never felt so grateful for Taeyang than you had been in that moment. “What’s wrong? What happened now?”

Usually, you went to Taeyang whenever you were on the verge of crying. You didn’t want Juho to see you in such a state in fear that it would ruin your chances with him, if you ever even had a chance to begin with. You had known him since you were both in the first grade, and ever since that first day you met him your heart fluttered but not once had he ever expressed any feelings for you. Now that you were both in your early twenties, you thought that your feelings for him would have faded, but they were still present. And you hated it.

“Juho,” you told Taeyang in a voice muffled by his chest. “I like Juho, Tae, that’s what’s wrong.” You could feel his lips pull into a frown as he kissed your head again, reassuring you that it was okay.

He lead you to his bedroom and sat you down on the bed, wiping the tears off your face with the pads of his thumbs and smiling at you gently as if you were a child. Taeyang squeezed your arm softly and told you he was going to get you both something warm to drink, your usual routine about to take place. Your phone dinged in your pocket when he left and you reached for it - Juho.

 juho

10:40 PM

inseong said you were at the dorms with our taeyangie ;)

i didnt take u for a cougar y/n but u do u i guess

he’s cute & a good kid!! im proud of u, my best friend is finally getting some :p

 “I’ll take this,” Taeyang carefully grabbed the phone out of your hands and placed it on the table beside you, handing you your drink instead as your eyes slowly became blurry once more. “Tonight is an us night, okay? No Juho, just Y/N and Taeyang. You talk, I listen. Is that okay with you?” He sat down next to you and handed you one of the sweaters he had on the ground, causing you to scrunch your nose at him.

“You’re really going to make me wear something you haven’t washed in forever? Who knows what’s on this.” You grumbled and began to put it on anyways.

“Listen, if you’re going to come to my house this late and expect five star treatment, I’ll have to redirect you to Rowoon.” Taeyang pouted and snatched the sweater from your hands, giving you the one he was wearing instead. “I do so much for you, and for what? This harassment?” You giggled at him and poked his cheek, suddenly overcome with gratitude for him. Sometimes you wished you liked Taeyang instead.

 You left the dorms that night at 3, almost 4AM, with only one solid piece of advice from Taeyang: don’t text Juho back.

The concept itself was pretty easy, just leave his texts on read or don’t even read them at all and do this until your feelings for him faded into nothingness. It was easier said than done, however. Especially when Juho slowly began to pick up that you were ignoring him.

juho

2:47 PM

y/n

why are you ignoring me?

did i do something?

 juho

2:53 PM

i’m sorry about whatever i did

 juho

3:00 PM

please talk to me

 juho

3:29 PM

inseong says you’re at the dorms with taeyang a lot

i’m glad you’re happy with him but does that mean you have to ignore me?

juho

3:59 PM

i guess it does.

 Your chest felt like it was going to burst at any moment, you wanted nothing more than to text him back and to reassure him that no, you would never stop talking to him because of Taeyang. That you didn’t want Taeyang, you wished you did but you didn’t. You wanted Juho, you wanted him, but if he didn’t want you back then what was the point in trying to get him if he didn’t want you?

So you continued to ignore him, and eventually you began to ignore Taeyang as well. Perhaps it was better if you ignored them both until you could think properly and you didn’t feel like a trash bag talking to your best friend’s friends whilst ignoring him. He probably didn’t even miss you all that much, just your company. And he had his girlfriend now for that.

The texts had stopped for what felt like the first time in forever, both Juho and Taeyang had been texting you on a constant, asking the same questions on whether you were alright or not, why you were ignoring them, what they did wrong. The difference being Juho’s were the only ones you read.

You raked your fingers through your hair as you sat on the bench near Han River. It was the only place you found you could get some peace and quiet from, away from the loud parts of the city and instead taken over by the sounds of couples talking, water flowing and children playing. In that moment, you had forgotten everything about Juho and Taeyang, you were just there, existing. You wanted to stay like that for as long as possible - with your heart finally at peace in your chest and your head clear from all the mess that was going on.

“Y/N,” a voice sounded behind you, and the moment had been ruined. You felt a presence behind you and let your hands grip tightly onto the hem of your dress, refusing to turn around. “Y/N, please.” Juho.

He sat next to you hesitantly upon realization that you weren’t going to speak to him and you could feel the nervousness radiating off of him. Juho placed his hand next to yours so that his little finger was curled around yours.

“I know why you’re ignoring me,” he told you softly. All of the feelings you had repressed, all of the emotions that had taken you days to shake off, had come rushing back at once as you felt a layer of sweat form on your forehead. He knew? Did Taeyang tell him? “I know because I feel the same way.”

“What?” Your voice cracked midway but you were too startled by his statement to be embarrassed. Your hair whipped your face as you turned to him and stared in shock.

“I like you too, a lot. I just, I don’t know? I didn’t realize, I thought I saw you as just a friend and then you stopped talking to me, and I realized.” His voice was practically a whisper as he got nearer to you and engulfed your palm completely in his, pulling it up to his chest and turning to face you. “I like you. I broke up with her because I like you.”

“You’re lying,” the words had barely brushed past your lips as he scooted closer again and shook his head, the ghost of a smile lingering on his mouth.

“I’m not,” Juho wrapped an arm around your shoulder so you were closer to him and you felt your heartbeat begin beating faster than ever. “It’s always been you, since we were twelve and had a sleepover and you drew a shark on a paper and told me it looked like me. I’ve liked you since then, exactly.”

“I win,” your face burned at the memories and at his touch, but mostly the memories. “I’ve liked you since first grade when you said our teacher looked like a cucumber with legs.”

Juho grinned down at you and pressed his lips to the side of your head, resting his face in the crook of your neck afterwards.

“It’s you.”

[roogerriffic]

Love to Hate - Chapter 12

3 weeks later, it’s the beginning of December. Its crazy busy at work because in the 4 weeks before Christmas, people want elaborate cakes for Christmas parties and also New Years. That’s the celebrity world, almost every party requires a huge cake. There’s huge amount of figurines that need to be done in preparation for these cakes, we have to complete these on top of the orders that are due beforehand. I have been doing huge days, as well as taking my work home with me. I haven’t been spending anywhere near as much time with Seth as I would like. After a huge day at work, I finally get home at 3am. By the time I wind down and ready for bed, its 4am. I go into my room to strip off for a shower. As soon as I walk into my room, I notice Seth is fast asleep in my bed. I just smile, he looks so peaceful. After my shower, I get dressed in my pj’s and get into bed and snuggle up to him. He stirs and puts his arm around me, then falls back to sleep. My alarm goes off at 7am, I allowed myself a little bit of a sleep in because I never got to bed until 4am. Seth wakes up to it as well.

He groans “Don’t think you are getting up, you go back to sleep”

I protest “It’s crazy busy at work, I have……”

He cuts me off “No, you have to look after yourself”

I start to get up. He gets stern “No, you are not going to work yet”

“Seth, I have to go”

He asks “I waited up until 2am for you, you still weren’t home, what time did you come to bed?”

I mumble “4”

He says “That’s just crazy, I have put myself in hospital because of exhaustion, I can see you doing the same thing if you keep doing what you are doing”

I snap “I’m getting up and going to work, there’s nothing you can do about it” I add sarcastically “What a great surprise seeing you turned out to be”

His face looks concerned now “Please, I beg you, don’t go in yet. Get more sleep, I’m worried about you. I’ve been there, it’s horrible, I just don’t want you to go there as well”

I think for a while.

He says “Please”

I sigh “Fine”

He sighs a huge sigh of relief “Thankyou, now lay back down, I will go and get you some breakfast before you go back to sleep”

He gives me a peck on my lips before getting out of bed and walking out of the bedroom. He returns a while later with my breakfast, he even made me a coffee. It doesn’t take me long to eat, I was starving because I was doing what I normally do, live of energy drinks, coffee and cigarettes. Seth hated it. He would always go that extra mile to make sure I was at least eating. He would never listen to me when I tell him “I’m not hungry”, he would actually get angry with me. Every time he did make me eat, I would eat the whole meal, so that would probably be apart of the reason he doesn’t listen to me. After I finish eating, I settle back down into bed. He cuddles up as close as he can to me, puts his arm around me. I fall asleep pretty quickly. When I wake up, Seth is not there. I look at the time, its 3pm. I panic because I should be at work now.

I cuss myself “Fuck you idiot”

I quickly get up and get dressed into my work clothes. I race out to the kitchen. I see Seth. He notices me in a fluster trying to get myself out the door as quick as possible.

He says “Babe, slow down”

I snap “Easy for you to say, I have to go”

He says “No you don’t. Don’t get mad at me, but I made a phone call to your shop. They told me they are fine, they are all over it. So relax, take the day off”

I glare at him. How dare he interfere.

Laura walks into the kitchen she must of overheard Seth talking to me, she says “Don’t take it out on Seth. I told him to make the call. I am worried about you too, not just from a friend’s perspective either, from a Dr’s perspective as well”

I glare at her now

She laughs “You will get over it. One thing I have noticed is Seth is actually making you eat, something I haven’t succeeded with”

I give Laura a fake laugh. I walk back to my room to get away from Seth and Laura. As I expected, Seth follows me.

Seth says “Babe, don’t be like that please”

I raise my voice “You had no right to do that, Laura didn’t either”

He says sternly “If I can help it, you won’t be putting yourself in hospital, you should be thankful you have people that care about you”

I groan out in frustration “You don’t get it”

He raises his voice “I get it, I know all to well the position you are in, but your health is more important. You have a more than capable team, don’t think I’m going to apologise or give in on this one, If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t do a thing different” He calms down, steps in close to me and puts his arms around me. He says “How about we watch a movie, just relax and spend time together without fighting”

I nod my head slightly. He kisses me softly then pulls away. I kiss him and slide my tongue into his mouth. I am suddenly in the mood. He breaks the kiss, he smiles.

He says “No, you are relaxing, that also means no sex”

I raise my eyebrows at him, I ask “Really?”

He confirms “Really”

I tell him “I’m going to make you regret that”

Sounding cocky he says “You won’t”

I slide my hand underneath his the waistline of his jeans and boxers. He grabs my hand and takes it out of his jeans and boxers.

He laughs “Nice try”

I smile “This isn’t over”

I put my arms around his neck and suck gently on his sweet spot, he moans softly, I suck a little harder. He lets out another soft moan.

He says “Don’t for one second think that this is working”

I stop sucking on his neck and start to walk to the living room. He follows me

He says “I was enjoying that, why did you stop?”

I smirk “Well if you want more you know what you have to do”

He replies “I’m going to stand my ground, you aren’t getting any”

We go in to the living room, we cuddle up together on the couch with a blankets over us as the movie plays. We hear a knock at the door, Laura races to get it. I already know it’s the dickhead because that’s the only reason she races to get the door. Once she lets him inside, they come into the living room. I roll my eyes. I get up off the couch. Seth grabs my arm before I can walk off.

I tell him “I’m not staying in the same room as him”

He says “Just relax babe”

I say “I can’t relax with him in the room”

He tells me “Get your ass back on the couch” he pulls on my arm until I lose balance, I fall on top of him.

He rests his back against the arm of the couch, lays his legs out straight on the couch either side of me. I relax my back into his chest. I pull the blanket over us.

Justin asks Seth “What do you see in her again?”

To my surprise, Seth stands up for me. I wasn’t expecting it because he’s been friends with Justin for a long time.

He snaps at Justin “I’m not putting up with that shit. I’m not going to let you put shit on Ash”

Justin says “Ok, man, don’t be like that”

Seth replies “You would be the same if I asked you the same thing about Laura”

Laura and I look at each other, feeling a little bit awkward. I don’t think she was expecting Seth to react either. I already knew I meant something to Seth, he has proven that time after time, but when he reacted like that towards Justin, it made me feel that I was so much more to him, like he was protecting me.   Justin didn’t say anything back to Seth, which I’m relieved about.

Seth whispers in my ear “I have your back” I couldn’t help but smile. I have always had my own back because no one else had it. I got used to it, and now I have to get used to Seth protecting me. I actually found it a small turn on. We still had the blanket over us, so I could still try and get Seth in the mood without Laura or Justin catching on. I grab Seth’s hand and slowly slide it down my belly towards the waistline of my pants.

Seth whispers in my ear “I don’t think so, I meant what I said” he kisses my cheek

Frustrated I say “Dammit Seth” Justin and Laura heard that, I didn’t mean to say it loud enough for them to hear.

Laura laughs “Do I want to know what that’s about?”

Seth says “No, you don’t”

She replies “I think I already know, just go and get it out of the way”

I say to Laura “That’s not going to happen, he’s holding out on me”

Laura smiles “I am just going to leave that one there”

Seth says to Laura “That’s a wise decision”

It’s 10pm now, Seth is staying the night again. We are lying in bed, I try one final time to get some. We are in close to each other cuddling. I start softly nipping his neck. I get shut down immediately.

He laughs “While I would love more of that, I am still not giving you any”

I snap “Fuck off, you are so mean”

He laughs again “Get a good night’s sleep tonight, I will give you some in the morning”

I say “I’m getting up early, you won’t give me any”

He smiles “It took all my will power I had to not cave today, I am positive you will get some”

I tell him “I will be waking you up, you better not back out”

He says “I won’t back out, now go to sleep because I am. Goodnight” he kisses me softly.

I say “Goodnight” I get myself comfy cuddled up close to him. He wraps an arm around me. I slowly fall asleep.

Next Chapter   Masterlist   Previous Chapter

[kansascityhappenings]

Joe’s Weather Blog: Track the snowstorm tonight (SAT-3/2)

Just another quick word of thanks for all the well wishes about the changes at FOX 4 Weather. Between all the weather happening and all the snow…cold…wind…clouds…freezing rain…ice…sleet…thunder…hail…and about 20 other things…these last few months have been interesting. In case you missed it…click here.

Clouds are increasing in the area, especially on the southside. These clouds won’t produce snow locally…nor am I worried about that through the evening…snow risks increase later tonight into tomorrow morning.

After Sunday morning…we may be done with the snow threat into Wednesday at least. There may be a system on Thursday (rather iffy) to track though…the ladies will be doing that for you.

Forecast:

Tonight: Clouds increasing and lowering. This will be the way the atmosphere is showing you it is gradually getting saturated. This will take some time so even if you notice flakes out there before 12AM…they won’t amount to much at all I don’t think. Snow developes after 2AM or so…and quickly accumulates. Temperatures will drop from near 20° at 12AM to the teens at daybreak. Winds increase from the north at 10-20 MPH+

Sunday: Snow winds down quickly after daybreak. The “worst” part of the snowstorm will be from 3-7AM or so…then the snow ends as flurries by 9AM or so. Final accumulations will range from around 2-3″ in the far northern part of the Metro…north of KCI. To 4-5″ or so through the far southern part of the Metro…Spring Hill>Pleasant Hill or so. Overall most should get 3-5″ I think. IF things last an extra hour or two…add on another inch. Falling temperatures and then leveling off into the teens. Wind chills sub-zero. Some afternoon sunshine.

Monday: Sunny and unseasonably cold. Highs 30° below average…near 20° after sub-zero morning lows.

Discussion:

So let’s start with the cold weather…which is really a big deal (perhaps not so much in January) but for early March. When we talk about afternoon temperatures in the teens to around 20° like Sunday>Tuesday…that is nutty cold weather for early March when the average high is around 50°.

Let’s look back at the last month…

There are a few average days…and a couple of above average days…and a ton of below average days. Most of those have been by a lot too!

We finished the month almost 6° below average.

Yesterday was 11° below average…so not a great start to March…and today won’t be much better considering we’re still around 25° at the noon hour.

This cold weather will continue for awhile although overall cold will rule the week it appears. There will be a system on Thursday that may produce some wintry weather…and a system next weekend that will probably be more potent…and depending on how things play out…I hate to say it…but somebody could get some severe weather from that depending on the track the storm takes. IF that is the case though we’ll at least warm up before it comes…perhaps on Friday/Saturday

Now onto the snow…

The storm is now onshore mostly…it will come through the west this evening and come into the Rockies tonight.

As it does so it will go through various gyrations and changes to it’s structure and then cross over the Rockies Sunday early morning. From there it streaks rapidly though the Plains states in the morning and the system passes by here before lunch Sunday.

So A LOT has to happen in the atmosphere later tonight into Sunday AM.

we have to saturate the air more. Actually this is mostly an issue below 10,000 feet or so. That will take some time…but we should get there towards 2AM or so. So IF anything falls from the sky…it won’t amount ot much locally before then.

For snow lovers the wave itself is still sort of “messy” and in chunks. The NAM model earlier seemed to have a somewhat more formidable wave…which is possible…it just depends on how this thing looks after crossing the mountains and going through various changes. IF that is the case…if the wave is somewhat stronger…we should have no problem getting to the higher end of the forecast snow totals. IF the wave is more in pieces and IF you don’t get the heavier snows that will come fast and furious through the area, especially from KC southwards…you may end with the lower end of the accumulations

This will be a fast in and out system. We’re going to be waiting till around 2 or 3AM for accumulating snow…the heaviest is donewith by 7-8AM. That is not a lot of time. There should be 2-3 hours of moderate to at times heavy snow, especially from KC southwards…then a couple of hours of lighter snow rates…then we go to non accumulating flurries really.

The winds will blow this stuff around quite a bit. Not blizzard type winds but daybreak winds of 15-25 MPH will pile the snow in places and strip the snow in other places.

This will be a “lighter” fluffier snow…so it will blow around. East/West roads will have a rougher time with this because of the north winds blowing. So that will complicate the road recovery issue.

The sun will return in the afternoon…that, despite the unusually cold day will allow the pavement to improve as the day moves along

Watch for refreezing overnight…chemicals don’t help with sub-zero cold.

On that note…sub-zero cold in March is not rather unique…and what happens on Monday, depending on how low we go…and I think -5° is possible…would be a rarity. Odds favor at least a Top 10 coldest March temperature coming.

On 3/3/2014 we tanked to -7°…there was 3″ of snow on the ground.

OK back to the snow…

Here is radar…

Now this afternoon and this evening…you may see a lot of returns showing up. The vast majority of this is “virga” or precipitation that evaporates before it reaches the ground. Not uncommon. If you want you can call it “snirga”!

This is just part of the process of saturating the atmosphere. There may be a few flakes sneaking through…but it’s going to be a process.

Now when the atmosphere gets saturated we’ll be tracking the wave(s) coming into the Plains tonight.

I’m a big fan of looking for “lift” in the atmosphere…and let’s see how that “lift” or vertical motion is doing…we can go up to about 10,000 feet or even higher to track this.

2AM…look for the reddish areas coming through the Plains…

Now 3AM…

Now 4AM…

and by 5AM…

Mostly gone by then…there is still some lift below that though…not as much but enough to generate snow through about 8AM or so…but it will be ending fast.

So really about 4-5 hours of decent snow rates…not all the time though…

Model data indicates roughly 1/4″ or so of moisture being wrung out of this. Some small upside to that in places…especially south. So take that moisture..use a 15:1 ratio…probably a bit more towards daybreak…and you get a pretty solid 3-4″ of wind blown snow. Add in a pinch of upside…maybe 5″ for the KC Metro area. Notice MOST of that lift is towards the Metro and southwards…areas farther north not as well set-up it appears.

Here is the HRRR model…showing the look to the precip as it comes into the Plains.

Again a LOT is going to happen very quickly after 12AM…into the wee hours of the morning while your sleeping.

Confidence levels for snow amounts…for the KC Metro area…

Dusting to 2″: 100%

2-4″: 90%

4-6″: 65% 

6-10″: 5%

For areas towards northern MO north of 36 highway…odds favor 2″ or less

For areas south of the Metro towards Pettis/JOCO, MO, Cass/Miami/Franklin and points south…odds favor more in the 4-7″ range. Higher end numbers should be more isolated.

Here are the latest advisories/warnings.

So there you go…

Oh if your interested…and I know this is weird timing when a snowstorm is coming but I’m off starting after the morning show tomorrow…I’ll repost this in a blog Monday…but you might be interested in this podcast that I had a helping hand in. There were about 5 meteorologists from stations in our group in the Midwest that contributed to this…you might enjoy it. It even involves the game of Plinko!

We’ve all taken shots at a local TV meteorologist at one point or another, and we’ve certainly seen your comments on social media.

Just why is it so difficult to figure out how much snow is actually going to fall? Pouring rain, days of snow, temperatures swings that make your head spin. Why won’t Mother Nature just play along?

Take it from five experienced forecasters, including me, who know all to well: Predicting the weather isn’t as easy as it might seem. They dive into the complexities that make up Midwestern forecasting in a new podcast, “Why We Love to Hate Our Meteorologists.”

Check out the new podcast below.

https://art19.com/shows/28747254-3f66-4363-a7f6-757adc5f75e9/episodes/777fe611-1910-4cc2-8db5-53ee78c82715/embed

I also have my own weather podcast, “Joe’s Weather World.” Listen to my latest episode here.

OK..that’s it for today. I may or may not get a blog together tomorrow morning. IF I don’t…again thanks for the kind words with the changes coming with my on air work…I’ll see you again on the 14th. It’s time to stick my toes in the sand for a bit. I won’t have internet connections for about a week either so Michelle and Karli will get you updated.

Our feature photo comes from Art White down in Pleasant Hill, MO…this was taken back in mid January after one of the other storms we had.

I’m going to try and get a FB LIVE out before 8PM or so…like/follow Joe Lauria Fox 4 Weather to get access to that on Facebook. Oh and listen to that podcast for me…you’ll enjoy the 1st part of it especially I think!

Joe

from FOX 4 Kansas City WDAF-TV | News, Weather, Sports https://fox4kc.com/2019/03/02/joes-weather-blog-track-the-snowstorm-tonight-sat-3-2/

from Kansas City Happenings https://kansascityhappenings.wordpress.com/2019/03/02/joes-weather-blog-track-the-snowstorm-tonight-sat-3-2/

[lpsupercellwxblog]

IT’S HAPPENING

January 26th, 2018 – January 30th, 2019

I’ve been waiting all winter for this possibility and it is finally here, hence the title of this blog. Throughout this blog I am going to dive into my thoughts regarding this event as well as my own forecast for the event starting Saturday (1/26) until right before the event on Monday (1/28). I hope to learn from this and be able to see changes as the models begin to improve and once I can incorporate real-time data. 

Saturday Thoughts

So, today some of the models decided to back off on the amount of precipitation that will fall over the course of this event (yes, ECMWF, I am looking at you). There is still consistency in northeast MS receiving enough snowfall to accumulate and cause issues. CAM data is just now becoming available, so I took a closer look at the Saturday 18z 12km NAM, and assuming that the model is correct, the snowfall could begin between 4am and 5am and come to an end around lunch time. The snow ratio looks to begin near 10:1 but end close to 15:1 as cold air continues to advect in as the snow falls. WPC snowfall probability maps can be found below, where an inch of snowfall or more was given a 70% chance of occurring and 2 inches or more of snowfall occurring was given a 50% chance in Starkville. A drastic shift happens with increased snowfall as parts of northeast MS are given between a 5-10% chance of 4 inches or greater occurring. There has been very little model support of greater than 4 inches occurring, most accumulations maps have shown between a trace and 3 inches of snowfall. Something else I’ve noticed on recent model runs – there seems to be a bullseye that appears in different places across northeast MS – this will be something to watch over the coming days.

Sunday Thoughts

Models trends have changed some today. The ECMWF has backed off significantly on the total precipitation amount as well as shifted the snowfall to central and southern Mississippi, rather than northeast MS. The 06z Sunday GFS aligns much better with the CAM models that are now available. The 12z Sunday NAM hasn’t changed too much, besides on timing. Using bufkit, it looks as snow could begin in Starkville as early at 3am (after 3 possible hours of rainfall beginning around midnight) and come to an end by 7 or 8am whenever dry air begins to take over in the mid-levels. While it is only a short time that snow would be falling, the NAM shows QPF of .08 inches, which would be equivalent to a little under an inch of snow, assuming accumulation started as soon as the snow started, which is not likely in this case. The SREF plum viewer shows that most of the models show between 1 inch and 2.5 inches of snowfall for the Starkville area.

Monday Thoughts

At this point in time, I’ve turned my focus away from the GFS and ECMWF and started looking more at the mesoscale models to get a better idea of QPF and timing on a more local level. The first think I really looked at was the QPF for each of these models – snow totals all are derived from that, so I wanted to have an idea where the models were differing. The ECMWF, GFS, 3km NAM, 12km NAM are all showing 0.6 inches of precipitation falling beginning around 9-10pm tonight. Using bufkit, I was able to look and see how much of this QPF would likely fall as frozen precipitation and it is not as much as expected. The RAP though, has 0.7 inches of precipitation with most of it falling as frozen precipitation, which is very likely overdone. So, with some models being further south on the snowfall and less snowfall, specifically the ECMWF, it was apparent that these models are varying more on the timing of the cold air rather than on the total amount of precipitation.

The NWS has been consistent in saying that two to three inches are possible in the Starkville area. The discussion today also mentioned that increased precipitation could be likely tonight with the help of the left exit region of the jet streak that will bring us most of our forcing for precipitation tonight. The NWS in Jackson also mentioned increased PVA ahead of the shortwave that would help to increase the precipitation tonight. More precipitation, especially on the backside, after the arrival of the cold air, will aid in the possibility and amount of accumulation. The NWS also upgraded the GTR to a Winter Storm Warning. Due to this threat, schools around the area and the university will likely close tomorrow.

Event Analysis

This hurt. I was disappointed I didn’t wake up to snow and disappointed in myself. I don’t like to word “bust” because usually there are still people out there that are affected by the event, so I disagree with the word. For this event though, I am really considering using it. It wasn’t just the student meteorologist trying to forecast – it was the NWS offices, the broadcasters, the students, and even many professionals. Where did we go wrong? I before the event caught myself wondering why I was so confident that a cold front could bring over an inch of frozen accumulated precipitation on the backside to Starkville, MS of all places. But all the models were showing accumulation, even though we RARELY see snow through this kind of set up, and even after many backed off on the higher amounts. Why did I believe it? It is hard to go against model guidance when all are still showing what you want to see. Was I believing it because it is what I want to see? I hate that I can’t fully answer that question. I like to think I am an unbiased and can see the positive and negatives of an event- but me only looking at the positives would not have caused so so so many people to miss this forecast. The cold air didn’t arrive in time. Watching it around midnight and seeing we were still in the mid 40s, I had a feeling this would be the end result. Learn from your mistakes though, huh? Bring on the spring.

[bike42]

Wednesday February 15, 2017

CHILE DAY SIX The plan was to meet at church for breakfast at 3am, then we'd be picked up for a 4am departure to Punta Arenas for our boat trip to the penguin island. Jeff's alarm went off at 2:15 am, my back up alarm at 2:20 am! I tried not to think that it was 11:20pm in CST! But we were motivated to see the Penguins, so we dressed in our warm clothes, donned our headlamps and left the warmth of our little house. It was actually quite mild outside - a rain shower had just passed through. We saw one walker and one car during our 15 minute walk to the church (heard lots of dogs barking and passed a few sleeping). Lots of activity at the church - scrambled eggs and ham, coffee, cereal, bread, cheese and yogurt were all ready. Thought it'd be a quick bite and let's get on the bus, but it turned into our leisurely kind of meal! By 3:45am I couldn't sit any longer and got up to do some stretching. By 4am, everyone was anxious and the pastor was on his phone. Our ride finally arrived just after 4:30a, with a "no problem" to catch the boat attitude. We settled into the van and everyone fell back asleep, and soon we were there. "There" was a little shocking at first - we pulled over on the main highway and there was a dock with one medium sized boats and two smaller boats. A van with our crew arrived about the same time. I was expecting we'd go to a harbor in Punta Arenas with lots of boats - but this little dock just north of the city worked perfectly! Our group settled in and then a few more small bus loads came and filled it up, but at 7:30am we were underway. It was a great boat for this little trip. After about an hour, we reached Magdalena Island. I really had no idea what to expect, but this experience exceeded expectations! Even as we approached the dock there were penguins swimming along side the boat, as dolphins sometimes do! And then it became apparent that they weren't going to be hard to find - the island was covered with penguins! As we were walking down the dock they were swimming under it, and hundreds of others all over near the water and up near their holes (dens?). It was fun to see the groups of them standing around chanting, and others waddling too and fro. Just as our guide described, they'd cut across the path in front of you, or behind you when you'd stopped - with really no regard for us at all! It was an amazing experience. It took us about an hour to walk the roped off path up to the lighthouse and back down. Besides the Penguins, there were seagulls and cormorants on the island. There were a lot of dead juvenile seagulls, and we heard conflicting reasons for that - one naturalist said it was a larger bird that was killing them, another said it was because they crashed as they were learning to fly in the strong winds!? We also saw several sea lions hanging around offshore and the clumps of penguins seemed to move away from them. We thought it was because they're a predator to the Penguins, but the naturist said they hang around the Penguins just to get their fish, not to get the Penguins. It was a glorious day to be on the water. Mostly overcast, and barely any wind - made for super calm seas. Since it was so calm, the crew said we could go to an additional stop. We boarded the boat and headed to the island of Marta to see the sea lions. I was thinking - eh, been there done that. But I did go up to the top of the boat anyway and they were fun to watch. Kind of in clumps with a massive sea lion each ruling his harem - barking and biting and waddling along. It was amazing to see how high some of them had climbed above the sea onto rock shelves! Mellow trip back then, coffee and cookies were served and most people settled into editing their photos. As we approached the dock there was a little more commotion with the siting of a shall pod of whales (think he called them Sai Whales?) ... They had a smaller dorsal fin than an orca, but a pretty good sized tail fluke. As we got off the boat, Pastor Ariel handed us each a lunch bag, and we drove about a mile down the road to a wayside park. I'd seen the park in our drive from the airport - a beautiful spot, but terribly littered! We ate our sandwiches and peaches, mostly standing around the table. Then for our Punto Arenas adventure, but I was asleep before we even passed the airport. When I awoke, we had a 20 minute stop to "shop" at a mall designed for cruise ship passengers - not the kind of shopping most of us had in mind! Back on the bus - back to sleep. The next time we stopped was on a beautiful overlook with a view of the city and the sea. As I took in the panorama, I looked to my right and saw a vendor selling locally knit products - I looked left and there were three more! Now we were talking. I found a fun hat, but as I was looking further, I found the alpaca poncho I'd been searching for - my only quandary was deciding which color - I settled on a bright blue - the color of the ocean! Back in the van and we drove to the main square and finally got the sense that Punta Arenas was a pretty big city - after less than a week in Puerto Natales all of a sudden I felt like a hick coming to the big city. The shoppers in the group set out to explore some more artisan booths that were set up along the square, while the cultured ones checked out the cool statue of Magellan in the middle of the square. Back in the van for a stop along the shore, and then one more quick stop at a statue of a shepherd complete with sheep and sheep dogs. There was a live dog napping there that reminded us of Cody - darker color, but similar build and same cute way that one ear was bent over. Back in the van for a quick stop at the central Methodist church. We were greeted by the UMW lady and the OB doc that we'd met over the weekend (I have no idea of their names). It was fun to see a photo on the wall of Pastor Don, Coggin, Glen and Heinz from their trip here 4 years ago! We sang a song and had a prayer, then back in the van for a trip to their smaller mission church on the hill. There we were greeted by our "old friends" Aurtero and Pepe, along with about 6 woman. We gathered in the sanctuary and they sang a "welcome" song to us, then we went to their kitchen for tea, sweet breads, empanadas, and tea sandwiches! It was fun, and yummy of course. Climbed back in the van one last time just before 5pm - most fell promptly asleep again. After about an hour, we came to a sudden stop and the driver insisted we get out and take a photo?! Sign said "road to the end of the earth" so we were told ... We arrived back in Puerto Natales about 7:30pm and dinner was waiting - mussels (biggest shells I'd ever seen served), chicken, ham, pea pods, potato pancakes, and sausage - along with wine tonight. Glorious meal to end a fabulous but long day. We walked back to the house and arrived just before Celio got back from helping at the church. We had a break through in our communication tonight - not necessarily with our words, but with our understanding each other. We showed her the photos of our day, and she toured us through her garden outback. Awesome day in a fabulous country!