#I saw a post for a big bang in another fandom on my dash and that's what inspired this post!

[birb-tangleblog]

Imagine how cool it would be to have a big bang event for TTS. 🥺If anyone hasn't heard of them, "big bangs" are fandom community events that pair artists and writers to collaborate on a fic and matching illustration(s), sometimes with a theme- and then everything gets posted at the end in an explosion of cool new works.

They're pretty big events (in larger fandoms anyway) that require a lot of organization, not unlike a Secret Santa or zine, and idt TTS has the numbers for it (tbh, I also don't know if the community is big enough for ppl to have enough ideas they'd want to collab on) but... MAN...

[strictlybecca]

fic stats!

rules: give us the links to your fic with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the least words.

please excuse me bc i was not tagged in this, but i saw this pop up on my dash from some of my non-mutuals and i was OBSESSED - so i did not wait my turn, i've just gone for it :)

most hits: yes, there is a chain and no, you're not on it (schitt's creek) a patrick/david fic i started when there were literally 15 fics for them on ao3 - it's patrick and stevie's text chain for all of the episodes of season four and i still feel smug about some of the things i managed to predict. i think it has the most hits of anything because it was there at the Beginning on ao3, it's got the most chapters, and i did accidentally leave it unfinished for like two years. (oops.) [but it has an incredible podfic!]

second most kudos: the best made plans are your open hands (911) for a fic that kind of walloped me upside the head and made me write it in like... a single evening, the reception on this has been SO sweet!!! an au where maddie takes buck with her when she leaves home at 18. i call it my 'happy healthy buckley verse' and i even have some more headcanons for it in the tag i have for it. in my mind, nothing ever really goes wrong for these two in this verse; it's my emotional support au.

third most comments: i only wanna be alone with you (schitt's creek) another patrick/david fic, this one written for a challenge. (a deadline always increases the likelihood of me finishing a fic.) this is probably (?) the ~sexiest thing i've ever written and it is... like not that explicit lmao. it also had a prompt that made me want to jump out of window bc my secondhand embarrassment threshold is practically zero - but i managed to write something that even my poor little soul could read and enjoy. [technically, 3rd most comments is the previous fic, but this one isn't far off in 4th place.]

fourth most bookmarks: deliver us unto each other (the old guard) this fic is my favorite child. i just think the stuff i love writing and the stuff i'm good at writing collided in this fic in a really lovely way and i'm so stinkin' proud of it. i felt feral while writing it lmao. it's about nicky's complex but deeply earnest and loving relationship with god and how his love for joe actually reaffirms his faith!! plus some great nicky + nile bonding.

fifth most words: i fell heavy into your arms (as the world turns) this is not my favorite of my luke/noah fics but i am very glad one of them made it on the list because all of my longest stuff is for this fandom and i miss nuke an unreasonable amount. those big bang prompts could pull 30k from me, no problem!!! this one's an au where noah is a detective and he has to solve damian's murder - and holden is a suspect :(

and least amount of words: Commandeered (h50) god this one was written so long ago it's still got an uppercase letter in the title 😬 also back in the day when i was still posting individual drabbles as their own fics - i've learned better! this fic represents my intense mcdanno phase, which still lingers in my heart like poison. (or a bomb.) genuinely a delightful prompt tho - an au where danny is the navy SEAL and steve is the jersey transplant. i honestly think i pulled this one off pretty well! they still sound very much like themselves.

-

i'm sad none of my sparty fics happened to make it in, since that was an Era unto itself but all of these delight me, so!!! here you go!!!

i tag: @cluelessheroes @functionalnihilism @angryfightingjew @woebegone-kenobi and literallly anyone else who wants to do this. you, yes you. i mean it!!! i promise you, if you do this and just pretend like i've tagged you to do it i will EDIT this post and tag you in it like you've always been there. i don't care if we're not mutuals DO IT!!! (sorry this was fun i really liked it and i'd like everyone else to have fun too!)

[trashlord-007]

I guess maybe I will add my unnecessary opinion. If I can manage not to drop my phone on my face for at least five minutes to do so.

First and foremost, not knowing how to talk to people is a huge one for me. I end up just liking the reblogs with comments or tags, which definitely doesn't scream friendly or eager to discuss fandom, but is the extent of what I'm willing to do so I don't seem like I'm squeezing blood from a stone. I don't want to come across as fake with a "omg thank you!! you're so sweet, you're the best, this means the world to me" on every reblog - I know people would appreciate it and it is also true, I appreciate every like, comment, reblog etc, but it feels performative to me.

Secondly, and I am SO SORRY to my EXOLs for this in particular, I have a really hard time answering DMs. Does this have anything to do with anyone else? No. I just feel guilty.

It seems to me that kpop, outside of a few exceptions, is on the decline across the board (ao3 included). I could be totally wrong but even the MV views and likes seem lower. At this point we've come full circle in fandom culture and we're going to be back to extremely dedicated fans holding up the entirety of a fandom on their own backs for the pure love of it. I won't say which KPOP group it was but on AO3 recently I saw literally two people writing for the group. They would occasionally gift one another a fic, and they would average 20 likes or so. They are doing it for the love of the fandom, so even if we face a total decline I believe a sprinkling of creators would and will hold the line (bless you 🙏)

Even in big fandoms new creators will be totally overlooked because Tumblr's algorithm doesn't allow for new people to join the big table. You'd think BTS would be a big draw but the creators already have their fans and people aren't interested in finding new ones or wading through the trash (porn bots, fuck you, and also fuck you to people incorrectly tagging for likes and views) on the tags, so they stick to their tried and true.

I'll leave my last thought to myself because I think it literally only affects me and my aversion to the Mainstream Tumblr™️ mentality and their insistence on vilifying anyone and everyone that doesn't agree with them.

Now that I've finished blah blah-ing, let me just say that more events would be extremely fun but I worry that it might cause you, the host, burnout if people don't actually participate. As you know, I'm a flake and I took a hiatus right in the middle of a Secret Santa event, so my opinion is pretty much mud here since I am one of the folks causing grief, but I worry that you might get discouraged if participation is low. I think you'd need a set group of people who are willing to commit to posting something each time to keep spirits high.

Also ngl, before my latest hiatus (different from the one just mentioned, I am gone a lot it seems), I would note-chase. I was hardly writing for EXO and my passion projects were far and few between. I'd literally try to follow the trends and see who (not even which bands, but which individual members) was getting the most notes and write for them. I burned out so much faster, and it didn't even get me anywhere lmfao because I don't even like to write the stuff people like on here. I'm more happy when I'm being a little weirdo in my own corner, but interaction will never stop being the light in front of an anglerfish.

All of this to say... well, I would appreciate more events and EXO content. My dash is DEAD save for a few SKZ posts. My EXOLs are quiet, they've moved on, they're not online when I'm online so I'm missing their posts. I follow some GIF networks just so I can keep my queue from slowly turning me into a Bang Chan blog. I don't have time to search tags and I don't have the energy to skip over all my filtered posts on my own dash just so I can see a pretty gif or two. I think having active fandom networks or blogs or just a list of potential mutuals would help a lot. I don't really follow people first because I just assume most people hate at least one aspect of what I'm about, so I've fallen into a very limited ecosystem and echochamber of content.

And now I'm starting to realise why people start over and create whole new blogs and personas on here lmfao.

No matter what happens I will support you and I appreciate the effort you're making here. Sorry for hijacking this just to complain, geez, I really shouldn't be allowed to talk. But if I see an event come through I will try to partake. And reblogging other people's works is definitely something I can do so I look forward to it wholly!

The OP message and subsequent reblogs did spark a little something something in me, make my fingers twitch, gave me an itch if you will. A thirst. EXO is my ult group. I should be creating for them. I want to create for them. And so I will fan this ember and hope and pray that this will ignite the fire, drive and desire needed to return to fandom.

So I can't be the only one who's noticed the decline in fanmade exo content here on Tumblr. We've gone from a fandom who's new posts could be measured in hours to a fandom who's posts have days....to weeks....to months....to even years for some specific tags.

We have had 6 solo album comebacks this year, 3 fancon tours, 2 solo concert tours, a myriad of festival concert appearances, youtube videos, magazine shoots, instalives, etc. Yet if you go to the exo tag it's mainly populated by archive blogs. And the nude bots, which....that's a whole other problem on its own. I digress. My point being, the tags, at least from what I've seen (I admit I haven't looked into the shipping tags) are being filled by the same handful of blogs yet given the high amount of source material, no one seems to be doing anything with it beyond archiving it.

Again this could just be because I didn't delve too deep or too far back, but it does have me wondering if part of the reason participation this year was down was simply because there's hardly anyone left.

There's been instances in the past where others have attempted to inject new life into the fandom so to speak, with....varying...level of success. The exo revival project being the first and most successful that comes to mind. I'm wondering what everyone else's thoughts are on the matter and if holding new fandom events might be a way to involve more people year round because I really do want to continue holding this event next year but if things keep going the way they have been there won't be anyone signing up.

Let me know what you think, ideas you might have, reblog this and tag your mutuals to get them involved in the discussion. I have a few ideas that I've pilfered from other fandoms, watch alongs. Fic bingo. Theres valentines exchanges. Fandom sleepovers. Heck I'd set up a Tumblr based scavenger hunt if I thought people would play. Like....we dont have to be monoliths in a placid sea of we don't want to. Fandom can be fun. It should be fun.

[wipbigbang]

The Guard of the Brodgar Stones by TheaDrogna

Story Title: The Guardian of the Brodgar Stones Fandom: DC's Legends of Tomorrow, Constantine Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25002031/chapters/60539431 Summary: Rip knows that asking John Constantine to join the team is only going to lead to trouble, but after leaving behind Alexandria they need someone who understands magic. The team find themselves up against dark forces as they continue their search for the Starheart and journey to Orkney in 1978 to recover one of the most powerful magical items on Earth. Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Rip Hunter, John Constantine, Kendra Saunders, Sara Lance, Kepi the Cat Pairings: None

When I Started: Back in June 2020 I had a prompt to fill for Rip Hunter Appreciation Week and the sequel I'd been meaning to write for the Keeper of the Pharos Light seemed to be exactly what would fit the bill. I had left that one with a plot thread hanging that was just waiting to be picked up. I bravely began a new tale in which John was going to get into trouble because no one paid attention to Rip (again). I was very excited about getting some DC back story into it and the Orkney setting, but of course my good intentions didn't quite get me there.

How I Lost My Shit: I had other stories to post during Rip Hunter Appreciation Week so I couldn't just keep working on it. I had to leave it to finish off other things. Then when I came to pick it back up again I realised that I'd never exactly worked out how the middle of the story should go and it was going to be about 10,000 words longer than I'd thought. I also had a moment of creative inspiration for another story and so this one got pushed to the side.

How I Finished My Shit: When I saw the WIP Big Bang notice cross my dash, I knew it was time to deal with this one. It felt like it was nearly there - I just needed a push to work out the middle and complete it. And now it's finished!

[ruinsofxerxes]

Okay so i saw that top fma memes ask and i was wondering like... do you have any favourite fandom MOMENTS? If that makes sense?

OOOOHH HO HO HOO OK OK LET ME THINK

1. Headcanon night!!! Back in 2014 me and a group of other blogs started headcanon night and every Friday or Saturday I think we’d all post all our fma headcanons and it really was like a fandom-wide thing once every week for a whole summer and I’ve been chasing that high ever since

2. when the trailer for the live action dropped and suddenly everything was memes of Ed running in liore

3. That blog that just posts pics of chairs from fma and everyone discovering it and being like WHAT

4. Alternatively, there was a blog years ago that just posted pics of Ed’s ass and whoever was running it was VERY dedicated to finding every ass pic posted on here

5. When my dash blew up when the live action was announced and I was crying in a gas station bathroom about it in the middle of nowhere because I was on a roadtrip and we were all collectively freaking out

6. The fmapositivety blog!! Back in like 2014?? There was a blog where you could anonymously submit something nice about another member of the fandom!!

7. When certain big-name fics would update and you always knew because everyone on the dash was freaking out, and lead to many support groups on my blog lol

8. OH when arakawa announced she was pregnant years ago and everyone made countless human transmutation jokes

9. Every October 3rd, Mother’s Day, Edwin day, Ed’s birthday, greed’s birthday and riza’s birthday and the amount of good content that comes from them!!! I need that stability!!! Same with the big bangs and secret santas!!! I love fandom holidays!!

10. The original great al pooping debate was pretty funny tbh I won’t lie

[lethimrunsonia]

Where, besides Tumblr, can people find you doing fannish things? (Obviously only mention sites and usernames you actually want to be found at. Don’t expose your secret identities on my account.)

What other names have you gone by on these platforms, including Tumblr, if any?

When did you join the IT fandom? And what got you into fandom, to begin with?

What are your favorite ships, or characters, if any, and why? What do they mean to you?

In what ways do you participate in fandom? (ex. Posting memes, reblogging/commenting on content, writing fanfic, making fanart, creating fanmixes, etc.)

Do you have any in-fandom inspirations? Other members of the community that drive you? (And if you have the time/energy, in what ways do they inspire you?)

Name and link some of your favorite works, please!

Do you have any works of your own that you feel particularly proud of, or wish more people would’ve consumed? Please provide links if possible.

Have you ever participated in a fannish event (ie. IT Week, a fic Big Bang) or applied to be a part of a fanzine? If so, which ones, and can you please link them?

Without any form of bashing or lashing out, what is something you feel this fandom is missing?

I love you for sending this to me omgggg

1. It’s really only tumblr lmao I do have an AO3, under the same name as here. I do have a Twitter for IT stuff but I don’t use it because I don’t use Twitter....it scares me

2. I think when I had a supernatural blog I was angelsfallingdeancatch, and then later when that blog was more geared towards Teen Wolf it was lovemea-malia. That blog still exists but I made the terfs very mad on it lol I also had a witch blog that was like waterwitchesmovingstone that I ended up deleting when I thought I could stay away from tumblr but I couldn’t so I made this blog!

3. I think I joined mid 2019 hay day. I saw IT all over my dash and I was like...the scary clown movie? Really?? That’s what we’re gonna super focus on? And the answer was yes lol

4. So first I was really attached to Eddie, he even inspired an OC in one of my books. I think he’s personality (and Jack’s) are so similar to what mine was when I was young that I felt kinship immediately. Now I’m very attached to a Bill because my girlfriend writes him in our AU and I love him (probably cause I love her) and Stan, because I see myself in him a lot too. Richie means a lot to me because of being closeted and also dealing with immense grief are things I’ve dealt with in my life. I grew up super scary bad Christian, and didn’t even know bisexuality was a thing, and I lost someone very close to me at a very young age. It...your life goes on and grows but there’s always like the huge hole where they used to be.

My fave ships are all of them lmaooo I love how they all interact.

5. I try to make posts, and write small things, and then my girlfriend and I have the @polyamorylosersau blog, and we write this huge AU that I adore. And we also started another AU cause why not?? So lots of fanfics and moodboards. I’m also trying to learn to draw better and better so I post fan art when I’m not too embarrassed.

6. Besides my girlfriend @kitchen-witch-bitch there’s @tonyofthetrees who’s art fucking kills me it also brings me to life, and @wonderwheelzier who’s fics are so so great and inspire me, and you cause you’re so sweet and make me feel brave enough to share thing, same with @calico-fiction and @nblesbianbenhanscom, and so many others!!!

7. Aw shoot I’m on mobile BUT I will make a tag for the fics I’ve loved 💗

8. I mean I’m really proud of the AU, I think it’s really good, it’s also very long but there’s not a huge plot I swear, it’s just tenderness and porn. Maybe I’ll weblog some of my old stuff and see if it gains some traction.

9. No because I’m honestly terrified I’ll not be able to get the things done on time. :( I have bad anxiety like that.

10. More people lmao but I think we just need to interact more is all! I like us a lot.

Now YOUR TURN Goldie. You have to answer the questions (if you want 💗💗)

[ghoulangerlee]

Tagged by: absolutely no one I keep seeing this on my dash and I was like I gotta

Name(s): Lee or everyshootingstar on AO3 (god i hope that link works haha)

Fandom(s): The Old Guard baybee

Where you post: Specifically on AO3

Most Popular One Shot (by kudos): now make me right again is currently sitting at a whopping 2596 and I couldn’t be more prouder of that one tbh <3

Most Popular Multi-Chapter (by kudos):  lmao I don’t have any multi-chapter ones unforch.

Favorite story you’ve written so far: Everything I’ve written for The Old Guard tbh. And of lust we are reborn is my baby and im currently writing the sequel now which is super exciting!

Fic you were nervous to post: honestly? Now make me right again. That was uh my first fic in TOG and it was about like. Yknow. Nicky having a small dick. I didn’t expect that one to be so popular haha. But god, I’m alright with that.

How do you choose your titles?: Song titles definitely haha. Every fic so far has been a song title lmao

Do you outline?: nope I don’t like to outline because it takes me out of writing. I just let the spirit of a vengeful writer take me over, black out and like an hour later I have 4k of fic that I then clean up and post haha.

Complete: I deleted a lot of fic from my AO3 and like, purged a bunch too (from another fandom for A Couple Big Reasons) so I only have 21 now. But only 6 are for TOG. I have a lot of other fic on there like, a few for Roswell New Mexico, some Sterek things, a couple Mass Effect fics… but that’s it haha.

In-Progress: Too Many though I’m only now actively working on the Big Bang fic and the sequel to and of lust we are reborn.

Coming soon/not yet started: there’s some vague hankerings for a best little whorehouse in Texas au for Nicky and Joe based on a prompt I saw on the kink meme so… and a few other things I haven’t quite plotted out yet.

Prompts?: I like getting prompts! I don’t have any yet but. I like them!!

Upcoming work you’re most excited about: I really can’t wait to throw out my big bang fic bc its so self indulgent and wonderful I am just buzzing with excitement to share it!!!  

No-pressure Tags: anyone!!

[searchingwardrobes]

I’ve Just Seen a Face

Happy Birthday, @xemmaloveskillianx ! It was a pleasure to get to know you a little bit during the big bang, and your story Beastly was one of my faves. I hope you have a lovely day. Here’s a fluffy meet-cute as a gift. Kind of like a fanfic cupcake, or more aptly in this case, a fanfic birthday bear claw.

Based on the song by the Beatles as well as a prompt on AuthorZoo.com’s post “How to Craft a Killer Meet Cute.”

Rating: G

Trigger: none unless you count the high sugar content, literal and of the fluffy variety

Words: almost 3,000

Also on Ao3 and part of my Fandom Birthday Playlist

Tagging the usuals: @snowbellewells @kmomof4 @whimsicallyenchantedrose @winterbaby89 @kday426 @teamhook@bethacaciakay @thislassishooked @tiganasummertree @snidgetsafan @delirious-latenight-laughs @jennjenn615 @let-it-raines @distant-rose @welllpthisishappening @wellhellotragic @shireness-says@optomisticgirl 

I’ve just seen a face. I can’t forget the time or place where we just met. She’s just the girl for me, and I want all the world to see we’ve met.

It was Killian’s job every Friday to get the donuts. It wasn’t because he was so low on the business ladder; the name of the company was Jones Brothers Shipping, after all. It wasn’t because he was the little brother of said Jones brothers, either. It’s just that he liked donuts, he liked the way Tink and Ariel smiled when he brought them in, he liked the way his brother stopped stressing for once to have coffee and a chat, and so. . . yeah, he bought the donuts.

He also, unlike his brother, pays attention to details. It’s why they make such a great team (in addition to being siblings which means they can fight viciously and still be okay at the end of the day): Liam is the big picture guy and Killian is the details guy. Therefore, he knows that Ariel likes jelly donuts, Tink likes strawberry frosted (with sprinkles), and his brother likes bear claws. Will, Robin, and Eric like cake donuts for some bizarre reason, and Killian just likes classic glazed, thank you very much.

On this particular Friday, it’s raining and there’s a bad accident on I-93, and it took Killian at least ten minutes of crawling around in the back seat to find his umbrella, so he’s wet and cross and running late when he dashes into the bakery. Tink says he’s part owner and therefore, can’t be late, but he and Liam are former navy and well, schedules and all of that.

Normally, he would chat with Bridget who’s always working the register (Ariel would say flirt), and give a polite hello to those around him, but his day is already going poorly, so he’s laser focused on his order and nothing else.

“You got here just in time,” Bridget comments as she rings him up, “there was only one bear claw left.”

Later, he’ll say its fate, but in that moment he barely notices the comment. He simply snatches up the box of donuts and bravely makes his way back out into the heavy downpour, struggling to keep a hold of the box of donuts while simultaneously opening his umbrella. Not an easy task for anyone, but even more so for him, missing his left hand. Another result of those former navy days.

So he isn’t exactly in the best mood initially when he meets her, rude and sharp “Hey! Hey, you!” coming angrily from her lips. He groans at her words and is ready with a sharp retort before he even turns around.

But see, he turned around. He turned around, and he saw her, and that pretty much stopped his ability to speak. She either has no umbrella or has had an even worse morning than he has because she's standing there getting soaked in the pouring rain. Most women would have rivulets of mascara running down their faces, but she doesn’t, and he wonders if her clear lack of eye makeup is indicative of how her morning has gone or her personality. He also wonders if her skin is always so fair, her lips that pink, or if she’s chilled from the rain.

But mostly he thinks how incredibly, unfairly beautiful she is. No one has the right to be that gorgeous standing in the pouring rain, but she is. Her golden hair is flattened to her head, yet it does nothing to detract from its brightness. The rain drops glisten on her eyelashes, making her jade eyes sparkle like gems. He could stare at that face all day, but his eyes can’t help tracing the rivulets of water running over her collarbone and noting the figure she cuts in the white blouse now plastered to her skin from the rain. Over it she’s wearing a red leather jacket, not the most practical thing to wear in the rain, but it makes her look like some sort of heroine from a comic book, especially the way her hands are perched on her hips. The intense, feisty look on her face completes the picture, and he can’t help the half grin that tilts his lips.

“Aye, love?”

She rolls her eyes, something that he’s never considered arousing until now.

“I’m not hitting on you, idiot. I want your bear claw.”

Feisty indeed. He takes a few steps closer, admiring the way she doesn’t back down.

“Well, see, I bought it fair and square, so I believe we are at an impasse.”

She crosses her arms over her chest and scowls at him. “What are you, auditioning for the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie?”

He laughs. She shoots the proverbial daggers from her eyes.

“And get out of my personal space,” she snaps.

“I was attempting to share my umbrella.”

“I’m already wet.”

“I can see that.” He arches a brow. It may earn him a punch to the gut, but he can’t stop himself.

She rolls her eyes again. It’s better than a blow from her fist. “The bear claw?”

“It’s my brother’s favorite.”

“I’ll pay you for it.”

“I still won’t have a bear claw for Liam.”

“Not my problem.”

“Then why is your lack of a bear claw mine?”

She sighs in irritation as she pushes wet strands of hair from her face. “Look, I’ve had a shitty morning, and the only thing that could make it better is a damn bear claw. Okay?”

Something in her eyes shifts, and he frowns. It’s as if a tiny window has opened and then quickly shut again. She doesn’t open up often or easily; he can see that clearly.

“Okay, you can have the bear claw, but the payment I ask isn’t money,” he tells her, all flirtation and cockiness gone from his voice.

She blinks, and her mouth opens in clear offense. “I don’t pillage and plunder with guys I just met, if that’s what you’re asking, pirate.”

He chuckles again as he hands her the umbrella to hold while he opens the box of donuts. He balances the box on his prosthetic while extending the bear claw with his good hand.

“Your name,” he tells her, “that’s all I want.”

She cocks her head at him suspiciously. “That’s all?”

“That’s all.”

She eyes him, then the bear claw peace offering, then him again. Whatever test she puts him through, he passes.

“Emma Swan,” she says, taking the bear claw.

“Killian Jones.” He winks at her as he takes a step back.

“Your umbrella!” She exclaims as he gets farther away, his own hair now plastered to his forehead.

“You need it more than I do, love.”

And if his address and phone number are on the handle, well, she can do with it what she wills.

Had it been another day, I might have looked the other way, and I’d have never been aware, but as it is I’ll dream of her tonight.

“Killian? Killian!”

“Hmm?”

Liam frowns. “First you give me a plain donut instead of my usual bear claw, and now you’re ignoring me. What’s with you?”

“He met someone,” Ariel says as she comes in to put a folder in the filing cabinet. They really need a bigger office.

Liam arches a brow at him over the rim of his coffee mug, and Ariel leans smugly against the filing cabinet. Killian scowls at her, but she just winks at him.

“It was nothing,” he mutters.

“He gave her your bear claw and his umbrella.”

Liam chuckles. “The umbrella that just happens to have your number on it.”

“How do you know what my umbrella looks like?’

“Because Elsa bought it for you last Christmas.”

Ariel laughs merrily. “Oh Kil, that’s adorable.” She pats him on the shoulder in a way that he frankly feels is condescending as she leaves the room.

“So I take it she was pretty.”

Pretty? The word is insufficient, brother, she was bloody gorgeous. But he says nothing aloud, just scratches behind his ear.

“Blonde hair, green eyes, and in Killian’s own words feisty.”

“Can you shut up now?” he snaps as he turns to where Ariel is still standing in the doorway. She isn’t affected in the least by his irritation, giggling as she heads back to her desk.

“Wow, little brother, she must have been some blonde.”

“Can we get back to the budget,” Killian grumbles, staring intently at the paper work in his hands.

 Falling, yes I am falling, and she keeps calling me back again.

He hasn’t been able to get her out of his mind. He tried to tell himself that she has his number; that if he were a true gentleman, he would let her take the next step. But when Friday rolls around, he can’t help himself. He purposefully arrives late to the bakery at the same time she was there last week. He doesn’t even know if it’s part of her routine, but he has to try.

When he walks into the bakery and sees her sitting at one of the small tables, he thinks he wasn’t crazy after all. When he approaches and sees two bear claws and the nervous smile on her face, he’s sure of it.

“I, um, owed you a bear claw, so . . . “ she says, biting on her lower lip as she slides one of the plates closer to him, “and the umbrella . . . “ she trails off as she gestures to where it’s leaning against her chair.

Many flirtatious barbs and innuendos fly through his head, but her obvious discomfort as she tugs on the ends of her hair cause him to discard each one. Instead, he keeps it simple.

“I appreciate that. May I join you, Swan?”

Her shoulders relax under the warmth of his smile. “That’s the idea. And you remembered my name.”

He winks as he sits. “I did pay for it.”

Her cheeks warm. “True, Killian.”

Now it’s his turn to blush. “And you remembered mine. Let me guess, it’s because it was on the umbrella.”

“No.”

She accompanies the word with a tiny smile and a sparkle in her eyes, and Killian Jones learns in that moment that Emma Swan says a lot with few words.

They linger over their bear claws and through two cups of coffee. In that time, Killian also learns that Emma reveals herself slowly and hesitantly. She does tell him why she was so desperate for a bear claw last Friday. She’s a bail bondsperson, and she had been up all night staking out a perp who never showed. It had left her irritated, tired, and pissed that she hadn’t been home with her son. The last piece of information is delivered with a sidelong glance, as if she’s waiting for him to find an excuse to make a quick exit. Her eyebrows lift to her hairline with surprise and pleasure when he asks about the lad instead. She’s still guarded in sharing about him, something he completely understands and respects.

It’s a text from Liam that brings their time together to an end. (Where the hell are you, little brother? Everyone’s waiting for their donuts!) He really doesn’t care about his pissed off brother or the fact that everyone’s going to have to settle for plain glazed this week. Emma was there, she was happy to see him, and she actually had a conversation with him. He’ll gladly be late and face the wrath of the entire office very damn Friday for that.

He knows that’s all he can hope for – running into her again next week. He sees how high her walls are, knows it will take patience and a gentle touch to scale them, so he tells her breakfast was lovely and walks out with his box of donuts. He’s surprised when he hears her breathless voice behind him, calling for him to wait.

“Your umbrella,” she tells him.

He hadn’t left without it on purpose, but he’s glad he did when he sees her flushed cheeks and bright eyes as she holds it out to him.

“Thank you for letting me borrow it.”

Their fingers brush as she hands it to him, and the spark between their skin emboldens him. He sets the box of donuts and the umbrella on the hood of his car and turns to her with a flirtatious arch of his brow.

“Don’t you think gratitude is in order?” he asks flirtatiously as he taps his lips.

The slow grin that spreads across her face says more than any words could. “Yeah, that’s what the thank you was for.”

“That’s all I get? For keeping you dry all day?” He ducks his head and gives her a heated look from beneath his lashes. He’s laying it on thick, but the light in her eyes eggs him on.

“Please,” she says with that arousing roll of her eyes, “you couldn’t handle it.”

He leans into her personal space. “Perhaps you’re the one who couldn’t handle it.” He pops the “t” as he gazes at her lips.

He really thought that all he would get from her was more heated banter. He hadn’t expected Emma Swan to grab him by the collar of his leather jacket and kiss the living hell out of him, but that’s exactly what she does. She kisses him roughly, her tongue assaulting his in the most glorious way. He kisses her back with equal fervor, and she pulls back for a heartbeat only to dive back in for more. When they finally part, breathless and unsteady on their feet, he’s thoroughly wrecked.

“That was . . . “ he has no words actually for what that was. The best kiss of his life, perhaps, but it sounds a little too intense to say that out loud.

“I don’t do relationships,” she tells him, her lips still a breath away, her hands still clutching his jacket.

He blinks, feeling a sort of emotional whiplash.

“Because of my son,” she continues. “It’s why I didn’t call even though I had your number. It’s why I almost left three times before you showed up today. It’s why I can’t -”

He silences her with a gentle hand to her cheek. “I understand, Emma.” He smiles gently as he thumbs her still wet lips. “Whatever we become, it’s up to you just as much as it is me.”

She relaxes immediately, taking his hand from her cheek and clasping it against her chest. “I don’t just want a kiss in a parking lot, though.”

He laughs softly. There she goes, saying a lot with few words again.

“Then how about this,” he says, lifting her hands to his lips and pressing a kiss to her knuckles, “I’ll be here at the same time next Friday, and if you wish, you can join me for a bear claw again.”

She blinks, her smile soft. “I think I can do that.”

Friday bear claws turn into Friday dinners, which turn into Saturday morning pancakes in his kitchen, which turn into Sunday afternoons sailing with her and her boy Henry, which turn into exchanging rings and a white picket fence. Until the day comes that he’s meeting another new face, this one with the most beautiful blue eyes he’s ever seen.

“Nice to meet you, Hope Jones,” he whispers.

 I’ve just seen a face. I can’t forget the time or place where we just met. She’s just the girl for me, and I want all the world to see we’ve met.

[bronyinabottle]

Post-Series Finale Mod Note

Well, the series has finally wrapped up. And I felt like it’d be proper to let you guys know’s what I’m doing next and also my thoughts on some of the episodes since the last update.

I want to rest assure that I still have plans to continue this blog for a decent while and in fact hope to have another big story akin to Return to Saddle Arabia sometime next year that addresses some things that never got mentioned in the show that would be relevant to the story of Genie Twilight (Ex: Spike when he was just an Egg prior to Twilight hatching him). In terms of more near future stuff though, I will probably do a little episode response to the final episode of the series.

Anyway, regarding the finale itself. I felt it was AMAZING. I’ll probably get to doing a my thoughts on post for the two-parter and the epilogue episode all on it’s own. Because I really want to focus, re-watch, and gush about so many details of those last 3 episodes. How much did I like the finale? Can I just tell you that the two-parter alone is actually challenging Twilight’s Kingdom for my new favorite episode of the series? It’s outright awesome the series got to end with a bang like this. The epilogue episode was also great, very bittersweet in parts, but I’d say it’s also within the Top 10 of the series and the ending song I’m sure made just about every fan in the series well up in tears.

After the break though, I’ll be giving some thoughts on the episodes since then as I want to just entirely focus on Finale stuff. If you want to hear some of my opinions regarding any specific things in the finale faster though. Feel free to sound off an ask over on my mod blog. But for now, here’s some thoughts about episodes 14-23 of Season 9

THE LAST LAUGH

It was quite cool to see Weird Al come back one more time to the series. Of course, this wasn’t as jam packed with awesome music and moments as his character’s debut performance back in Season 4. But it was a fun episode, though I wonder if they should of put a little more hints regarding something that comes up in the Series Finale. (Though perhaps the Pinkie plush we see in Cheese’s room might be something)

2, 4, 6, GREAT

Yeaaaaaah... if every season has their dud(/s) this is probably Season 9′s for sure. Once again Rainbow’s more dickish then she should be at this point of the series. And while I can understand that they’re different characters. I can’t help but be reminded of Human Rainbow in Friendship Games when she was doing her song for the pep rally. That very much felt like what a Rainbow Dash should actually be doing if they’re hired to lead a cheerleading squad. Kind of sucks though that Rainbow often does seem to get a dud episode in many seasons of the show (Mare-Do-Well Season 2, Rainbow Falls Season 4, 28 Pranks Later Season 6, Non-Compete Clause Season 8). Rainbow’s still my 2nd favorite pony, but sometimes that becomes hard to say after particular episodes.

A TRIVIAL PURSUIT

I’m a little mixed on this one, it’s fun to see Twilight freak out again. But something about this episode screams “Wrong season”. Especially since the very next episode gets into how Twilight has matured as she is closer to taking the role of ruler of Equestria. This kind of episode might of been fine if it had been made anywhere between Season 2-Season 5. Not the final season where she’s heading towards being the new ruler, it’d be kind of worrisome to know your next leader went bonkers trying to win a game of trivia.

THE SUMMER SUN SETBACK

Now this was a good one! A nice setup with the villain trio messing with the Mane 6′s Summer Sun celebration plans while they try to get information about Grogar’s bell. And while it became slightly muddled by the trivia episode prior to this, the note about Twilight’s character development is nicely appreciated. It’s kind of a shame that besides the opener, only this episode and Frenemies were the episodes that built up to the two-parter later. Said two-parter is still one of the best of the series, but it may have helped to have a little more build-up to it during the Season then it actually did.

SHE TALKS TO ANGEL

This was a fun Fluttershy episode for certain, we get to know exactly what Angel feels even if that’s through Fluttershy’s own body. So we can get a sense of really of what Fluttershy’s had to deal with for years heh. Also, the “I wanna marry Discord” off-hand line is pretty funny. Even if now it drives shippers crazy. You either take it that Angel is trolling, or Angel knows something that we don’t. Doesn’t help that something in the finale might of left things very ambiguous on this front.

DRAGON DROPPED

I think it’s actually good that Spike’s essentially outgrew his devotion to Rarity. Of course he’s still willing to help her from time to time as in the ending, but it’s great that he can kind of explore other things he wants to do and/or meet new friends. On a side note though, the first time Rarity’s practicing her apology had to have been one of the funniest moments in a while.

A HORSE SHOE-IN

The final Starlight episode gives her role as being promoted to being the new headmare of the School of Friendship. Which is a fair role to give her though I don’t know if that actually might feel a little underwhelming for fans of her. I mean, I’m glad she’s not like.. going to become a Princess herself as those were exactly the worst fears everyone had about Starlight. But it’s certainly a strange journey to go from a season-long villain, Twilight’s student for one season and the openers and finale of that season being more about her then it was Twilight and the others, to simply being in charge of a school at the end. That school’s still important, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that everything with Starlight doesn’t seem easy to explain as it still stems that we practically got nothing substantial about her after her rather quick turnaround in the Season 5 finale. I’m still as lukewarm as ever with Starlight. I do wonder if there will be a Starlight in G5, she may instantly have a better reception since G4 Starlight has quite the baggage.

On the episode itself though, it feel weird to have this moral of “Don’t hire your friends” only for Starlight to do exactly that by hiring both Sunburst and Trixie. Granted, Sunburst is probably competent. But I think I would of liked to see more of how Trixie would do as counselor more then just standing up for Gallus that one time. Just doesn’t feel right. I think I enjoyed the episode to some extent still, but it probably would of been better if Sunburst was part of the process. So maybe you can an addendum to the moral that sometimes your friends can also be good for the job while others aren’t

DARING DOUBT

Daring Do episodes are almost always fun. Though I do gotta say it’s weird to go with the whole Ahuizotl was misunderstood thing when I believe one of his thing was to try to make 800 years of unrelenting heat? What exactly was that about. But eh, might just have to be pushed with the pile of stuff like Marble and Big Mac.

GROWING UP IS HARD TO DO

It was pretty fun to see the CMC as grown-ups (Even though how funny would it be that we’d get to see that anyway during the finale. I wonder if perhaps this episode came into development simply because they planned the finale to be a timeskip long ago and decided to have a little more use for the flash assets of the adult CMC in a proper episode). A little more bittersweet when you look at Scoots though as you see that she still has small wings, nice attention to detail on her disability though.

THE BIG MAC QUESTION

And the final regular episode of the show is dedicated to getting Big Mac hitched and crazy Discord shenanigans. All I can say is it was a fun episode through and through and even brought back the sort of reality show interview stuff we saw in that one Season 6 Rarity episode

SEASON 9 THOUGHTS OVERALL

I still want to give the Finale it’s own thought section because I think it really deserves attention on it’s own. I thought I’d just give a general thoughts on Season 9. Besides the finale, Season 9 actually felt kind of on the underwhelming side of things. There are definitely good episodes popping up there and there, it just felt like it wasn’t really feeling like most of the episodes were taking any credence to how the show was wrapping up soon. Thankfully the Finale more then makes up for it, but it felt like a lot more could of been done to set things up for the big finale. The finale will no doubt be Season 9′s crown jewel and I do want to share as much thoughts as I possibly can about them when I get to it.

Regardless, this has been a fun series to keep watch on. Hopefully many of us still have some fandom things to look forward to making and/or seeing even as of course with our main show over we’ll see even less productivity at least until we see what Generation 5 will be like. See you guys again soon for when I have a response and big thoughts for the finale episodes!

[thehollowprince]

Hey, it’s the “coding” anon here and honestly that answer to my question was excellent and the exact reason I come to your blog. I would absolutely love to hear you go on about the fetishization of m/m relationships!

This has been sitting in my inbox for over a week, and I want to apologize. I'm sorry for taking so long to get to this one, but I'm overworked at the moment. I've been pulling 60+ hour work weeks, by myself and I haven't had off since the first of December, so I'm a little tired. But I'm here and I'm ready to murder this bitch of a subject.

For starters, and for context, in case anyone who sees this doesn't follow my blog or, if you do and don't really pay attention, I am a gay man, so a lot of this comes from my own personal experience.

Now, onward my fandom soldiers.

M|M Fetishization & Objectification

I've only been super active within fandom spaces for the last couple of years. Before that, I just scrolled through Tumblr and reblogged gifsets and fluffy headcanons and whatnot, but even then I noticed a trend in fandoms that made me uncomfortable. That trend was the overabundance of gay men (chatacters) in fandom works, especially when there either weren't any gay men in that show or book or whatever.

I'm not at all saying we need less of that. I want and need more gay characters in the things I watch and read. That's actually one of the criteria I look for before I start a new show, or a book series or comics. I want to see myself represented in the media I consume, even if it is only this one tiny piece of who I am. But the problem for me arose when I saw all these fan works and headcanons and gifsets and thesis length metas about gay or bi male characters that were neither of those things in their original source material.

The biggest examples of this occured in fairly popular shows that I loved at one point, but do to a combination of bad writing and then the horrible fandom, drove me to actively dislike and avoid them. And that's always a sad thing, when you end up losing the love you had for something because others just won't let you enjoy it as it is.

Those two examples are Teen Wolf and Supernatural.

For years I watched people go on and on and on and on about Stiles Stilinski and Dean Winchester and how they were bisexual and so on and so forth.

There's nothing wrong with headcanoning a character as gay or bisexual, especially when those characters are severely lacking on screen and on paper. The problem arose when the fandom at large started to ignore the ACTUAL gay or bisexual characters that are in these shows and focus solely on their headcanons as the only representation in the show.

To start with Teen Wolf, we had, in the first season, an openly gay character that everybody in the school loved, that being Danny Mahealani. This character was introduced as gay from the very start, but oddly enough, there is almost no large fandom meta or fics or anything about him. In fact, a lot of his traits and qualities ended up transferred to Stiles, such as his intelligence and overall popularity. Hell, even Danny's attraction to Derek was stolen and transferred to him. These aren't things that Stiles is overall known for in the actual canon. He's clumsy and socially awkward and on the outskirts of the school like Scott (the main character) and has been obsessed (to the point of being considered a stalker) with one girl since elementary school, but somehow, in fandom, Stiles is suddenly the genius polyglot queer with severe depression who has a crush on the broody muscular werewolf who just wants somebody to love him.

Fandom created this portrayal of the character that didn't exist anywhere in the fandom except for his appearance. The reason I saw behind this was twofold. 1: fangirls (fandom is mostly female) want to see two "hot" guys kiss and get it on because they get off to it, much in the same way that straight men get off to lesbian porn. 2: Stiles (or any of these headcanoned characters) becomes a sort of self insert.

What I mean by that second one is that women and girls find a male character that's not "too masculine", usually kind of gangly or skinny, somewhat on the effeminate side. Someone that they can project their ideas and insecurities and so forth onto so that they can that pursue that relationship with the hunky manly man that they want to bang.

You may be asking yourself, "Why don't they just use one of the female characters as a self insert?" and I'm here to tell you that I have neither the time nor the experience to go into detail about internalized misogyny and how effects the way women do almost everything, even watching and interpreting their media.

But the reason they chose the male character is that, years ago, during the dark days of FF.net there was a lot of self insert OCs that infiltrated almost every level of fanfiction. Which caused the fandom gatekeepers to rear out of their hibernation and just shame anyone who tried to introduce an Original Character to this already beautiful world and ruin it with their lusts. Thus the OCs slowly disappeared and identifying with the male sidekick was born. And this is generally where we get the whole "my smol gay son!" bullshit. (side note: please keep in mind that 75% of shows are male characters and their problems, which is another cause for female fans to identify solely with men.)

So, for years, I watched Danny, and then his boyfriend Ethan, being shoved aside in fandom spaces so that the fans could focus Sterek (Stiles and Derek) despite the fact that both characters were stared to be heterosexual and that, on screen, they expressed nothing but mutual dislike for one another, if not outright hatred. This got so bad that Sterek, the crack ship whose members had no romantic or sexual interactions whatsoever, managed to beat (by a very large margin) actual gay ships from both this show and others in a fan poll. It got even worse when the character of Danny was written off the show (with no explanation) and we were introduced to the character of Mason.

Mason Hewitt was everything that fandom!Stiles was. He was smart and funny and openly gay and crushing on a hot werewolf. He even did the research that the fandom loved to attribute to Stiles, literally everything that the fandom had Stiles doing in fanon, but somehow the love for him (Mason) wasn't that big of a note in the fandom. I mean, Mason was even a major plot point of season five and the pack's mission to stop the Beast, but i heard nothing but cricket chirps from the fandom.

You'd think that after Stiles was written out of the show for the last season that maybe Mason will get some love now, right?

Wrong!

I didn't think it was possible to get any worse, but the fandom proved me wrong. Because instead of focusing all their pent up energy on Mason and his boyfriend, Corey, who had a number of cute moments in that final season, these fans focused on another crack ship that had no basis anywhere except in their fantasies. That ship being Thiam, which is based, once again, around two characters who actively dislike, if not outright hate, each other and even physically assault one another. But no, that apparently is a display of affection by someone who is emotionally stunted and just needs love to blossom and be his true self.

You notice how often the fetishization of homosexuality (even if only imagined) intersects with woobification?

You'll notice, if you look at Danny and Mason, that they're both POC, with Danny being brown (Hawai'ian) and Mason being black. Now, as I've said before on this blog multiple times, I am the Whittest White Man to ever White, so I don't have any qualifications to talk about fandom racism, so I'm just going to leave that little nugget there for you to think about and interpret how you will.

Moving on to Supernatural...

Before we start with this one, understand that I have not watched this show outside of an episode here and there since season eight, because I realized that no, this show wasn't going to get any better, so if any of this is contradictory to what has happened over the past six seasons (god, this show needs to die!) I do apologize.

Dean Winchester... I never really liked this character, especially as the show went on and I started to actively dislike and then, hate him. So it was annoying not being able to go into any aspect of the Supernatural fandom without coming across a post about Dean and his issues or his Bi sexiness or how his brother was mean to him.

Also, people, understand that this wasn't a new revelation for me. My dislike for Dean and the fandom's obsession with making him bisexual just so they could hook him up with Cas wasn't an overnight decision. I was there...

I was there at the Beginning, when this show first aired, when the ONLY constant characters on this show were Sam and Dean. I endured the hellfire that was Wincest and its infection of almost the entire fandom. Like, that right there, that was one of the most extreme cases of m|m fetishization I've ever seen, because the fandom needed to get off to two guys being together so badly that they turned to actual brothers for want of any other male character.

That's why Destiel immediately became so popular, because here was another guy that we saw with semi regularity that wasn't rated to the Winchesters, obviously they were meant to ship them.

Now, you may be asking yourself, "I thought this bitch was going to talk about gay fetishization, not his dislike for one character?" to which I'll just say I very easily go off tangent. But all of that is relevant because, come one of these later seasons, there was a scene where Dean was at a bar and the (male) bartender hit on him, and he didn't react negatively or homophobic.

Oh, my God, I watched my dash and the tags explode in post after post, meta after meta, about how Bi Dean was canon confirmed! Now he and Cas will HAVE to be together, because its canon that Dean likes guys. and Cas is an angel, who doesn't follow human sexual limitations, and... blah, blah, blah.

Cut to a few years later, and we're introduced to a character named Max Banes, a witch and hunter, who is openly gay and flirts with Sam in his first appearance. Where were all of his metas and fanfics and headcanons? Granted, he only appeared in two episodes, but I have watched people in this and other fandoms build mountains our of molehills, going on and on about how two male characters weren't actually straight and how they were destined to be together because the once wore similar style shirts a couple of seasons apart, or because of a carnation in a jacket pocket that signified love via the Victorian flower code (or something like that), or how the wallpaper of that room they shared a scene in was a subtle clue to their true desire for each other, etc.

And I'm not exaggerating there, those are actual examples I've seen in fandoms over the years.

But back to Max, why is it that he was left along the wayside, despite fitting most of the criteria that fandoms love in their m|m ships while Dean had entire thesis level posts about that time he shared a glance with Castiel or he let a bartender hit on him and not get upset?

And its not just these two shows, not by a long shot. If you were to go into literally any fandom of a certain size or bigger, you will come across fans putting two straight characters together because of "the chemistry" they have. Even if those characters are confirmed to be straight - especially if those characters are confirmed to be straight. Because when these loud fans don't get their crack ship that they rub one out to, they scream queerbaiting and homophobia and oppression, harassing the actors and producers and directors and writers.

Here are some others that just pop to the front of my mind...

Asher Millstone from How To Get Away With Murder (saw him shipped with Connor a lot, despite Connor's actual boyfriend)

Sherlock Holmes and John Watson from BBC's Sherlock

Tony Stark from Marvel comics (all because of one panel where he said "ladies and gents" when he announced he was off the market

Literally any male character in the MCU, which is his we get the things like Stucky and Stony that permeate the fandom on almost every level (and some leeway is given here because of the MCU's lack of wueer characters)

Klaus Mikaelson and Stefan Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries/The Originals (honestly, I was surprised that people in the TVD fandom weren't immediately all over Josh and Lucas, because they're literally everything that fans want and use in their headcanon gays)

Kol Mikaelson and Jeremg Gilbert, also from TVD

Elia and Filippo from Skam Italia (despite there being, once again, actual gay characters on this show. Hell, the entire second season was dedicated to a character coming out of the closet and being with a guy)

Etc.

I could go on and on but then this post would seem infinite.

Closing thoughts, please keep in mind that I am just one guy and that my opinions don't represent everyone in fandom spaces. But also bear in mind, that my frustrations are well founded and valid from my own experiences in the fandom.

My sexuality and the fact that I'm attracted to men is not a toy for a bunch of sexually repressed fangirls who think two guys being together is hot.

[chichichobits]

All tea B.A.P in NYC

Hey I’m going to try to make this as short as possible and will omit real names for privacy purposes. Myself I will call Twix and my sister Skittles. Friday after work and school we decided to meet up to line up early for a spot for B.A.P since we had P 1 tickets. We were ready to go and packed a suitcase, snacks, and a tent while we headed to the venue Terminal 5. I had scouted a day before and knew we would be near the water so wanted to be prepared for the chilly winds. Most people on Facebook said they would start lining up around 12-1 in the morning so we took an Uber and got there around 11:20pm. We were so shocked when we saw that a line had already formed. Some people that were P 2 and P 3 had got there early Friday morning—talk about dedication. We were still in pretty good standing since there were about 14 people in line. We decided to set up shop and put up the tent, but the thing was we had never set up one before. Luckily there was a former Girl Scout in the group ahead of us that started to help. As we were clearly struggling trying to put up the tent, Almond Joy comes out of nowhere, and sets up the tent with us. Low key I just thought she wanted in on the tent because it was so cold; but, after we invited her in she politely declined and went back to laying under her blankets. There was an event going on at the venue and around midnight security comes out to tell us to disperse and we can’t stay there. They give us red tickets and tell us to come back in the morning. People converse for a little bit and post on the B.A.P NYC facebook for people not to line up until 9:30 am because of the special tickets.

After a few hours of sleep we decide to head back to terminal 5 dressed to the nines with our sleeping bags and blankets. Almond Joy arrives at the same time and we go find our spots next to the other red ticket holders. Everyone starts to make small talk about biases, dramas, and the big 3 while trying to keep warm but it’s so brick outside. My sister finds a kindred spirit in a baby we will call Jolly Ranchers and they are so cute with each other. Next to us is another duo with a crazy girl with a big personality named Sweet Tarts, and her bubbly bestie Twizzlers. Near the front of the line by the entrance this petite girl starts screaming “ Stop It Just Stop It”. It was loud and she starts spazzing out saying people are skipping the line. She argues that it’s not fair because she has been there all morning lined up since 3:00 am and how people have been freezing in the cold and it’s not fair about the red tickets. She is pissed and storms off to join the line with her banners. At about 9:30 am security comes out and moves the line closer to the venue and separates the red tickets holders from the regular ticket holders and directs us to the other side of Terminal 5 where we wait behind barriers. We take turns going to the bathroom and some people go to change or pick up some food---those chicken nuggets though delish! Another member of our crew Kit Kat bust out the card games which include the classic Uno and Cards against Humanity which is so hilarious. During this time the event staff were checking the lines and handing out wristbands for hi touch . We were later joined by my sisters friend named ChocoPie who actually came with plenty of snacks including Poki Sticks with ChocoPies and put the rest of our stuff in her car for storage.

We go off to the nearest deli to charge up all our devices and come back just in time to get our photo op packages and wristbands. The packages are totally random and I ask people what they got and most got Daehyun. I look at mine and initially I thought I received a signed album from Jongup but the group ahead of us told me it was Yongguk. I didn’t even have a chance because Skittles pounced on me lol. I traded her signed album for Daehyun and my Zelo cards I traded with someone else. Closer to the time of the concert people started getting hyped up and there’s press going around asking questions about the group and the fandom. You have people dancing, rapping, and singing. Our group the Velvet Rope (inside joke) is doing the most---you have Sweet Tarts and Chocopie busting out lyrics for Wake Me Up, Jolly Ranchers on the side with Kit Kat cracking up, Twizzlers is freaking us out with her trivia skills like how do you know what stuff animals everybody sleeps with lol all and all the interview was funny af. There’s these cute korean girls in front of us that start talking to ChocoPie that just so happen to know the same people. One of the girls actually has the same name as Jolly Ranchers so we’ll call her Juicy Fruit. Fast forward to it’s time to go into the venue and there’s this commotion near the front of the line. Apparently a lot of people in the front did not have the red tickets because security told them otherwise. Also there were not P 1 but were P 2 and P 3 anyway the guy in charge came and sorted everything out and they were allowed to stay on the line. Sweet tarts crazy self makes a last minute dash to a bathroom nearby and comes back right on time before we start heading in.

We make a mad dash to inside after getting our bags checked but barricade is gone ~ le sigh, but we still get pretty close. Our group is on the right side of the stage. The korean girls with ChocoPie are on my left and on my right is Kit Kat with the rest of the group. Everybody started coming in at once filling all the space around us in no time. The concert didn’t even start yet and on my back I could feel this girl super close and was laughing with her friend. I know that in the pit it gets crazy and packed. In my head I’m thinking to myself does she not feel my butt on her or does she not even care. So I’m listening to them and there’s three of them. One on my left had bright fire engine red hair, the one on my butt kind of reminds of Hyme from Rania, and there was another shorter girl to my right but behind Kit Kat. She tells the one in the middle I’m not staying here. Music comes and they start playing some old school 80′s or 90′s songs, like songs you would hear in karaoke. Everybody start singing Sweet Dreams by the Eurythimics. All of a sudden the lights dim, the countdown starts, and the babyz start chanting B.A.P. the dj comes out and starts mixing.  As soon as they came out we started screaming and everybody went nuts! I have to say that our group well the whole section was lit! There was so much energy yo it was crazy and I really didn’t that would enjoy it like I did here! One thing was that the girls behind us kept pushing us non stop and I turned to see who it was and it was the girl from before that was spazzing out let’s call her blowpop because she was acting up lol. She pushed KitKat and elbowed me in the sides. Her friend pushed Juicy Fruit but she locked arms with me and told me not to let go of her hand it was real in the pit omg like so bad. After blowpop knew she couldn’t push past us she bumrushed Jolly Ranchers but it did not work. The whole concert blowpop was like a little angry dog with the pushing it was pretty brutal. After awhile eventually the red headed friend stopped but blowpop never did until the very end. I’m trying to upload videos to this but yeah it’s a no go I think my files are too big or something I don’t know. I can talk about the interactions that we had. I came for Daehyun he is my bias but the maknaes came for me at this concert. Jongup is so fine like I couldn’t stop looking at him like what where did you come from? When I tell you he’s a bias wrecker that’s an understatement. He was all over the place pop locking and grinding all in your face lmao and gets an automatic invite to the cookout. He was looking at Kit Kat and she has the receipts. Youngjae was caught staring at her too. Mmh okay. Jolly Ranchers told me that she was dancing and just happened to look up to see Jongup staring at her like what and talking to Yongguk about it O_O he was definitely feeling the black girls that night I’ll say that. Blowpop was such a hater. That girl is straight crazy. Jolly Ranchers was so surprised that he was looking at her because she was so quiet and Blow Pop was screaming her head off. She told me everytime he came over to our side she kept elbowing her and Blowpop would try to mess up her videos when Zelo was in front of her. Yo that is so not cool. Jolly Ranchers got so mad at her she knocked the phone out her hand.  Zelo was another dark horse that I was not expecting to go all out for the concert. If Jongup is invited to the cookout he sure is bringing Zelo with him because that boy was not playing. He has such great stage presence and was so cute the whole night and was interacting with us the whole night I see you over there Zelo <3 It was so cute hearing him sing for his solo and I love his little dance he did with this giraffe headband on his head again I would upload the video but yeah. He fell down and was like I’m so tired of his dancing he was so cute. Coming for me?

I’m starting to get sleepy so I’m going to try to wrap this up real quick. Dae dae killed me with his vocals I was like liquid. In general all the songs were good but the songs that I could listen to were Fermata, I need You, Body & Soul I was done. Not to say that I didn’t like the upbeat songs like That’s My Jam, Bang x2, Spy, etc it’s just I love how they arranged those all together. Feel so good was great too. Youngjae solo was good too and I was surprised that he danced in the very beginning. Gukkie was a shy little turtle on our side and reminded me of a painting artist, or recluse and he was so happy I was just like awww. Skittles was losing her mind over how good he looked especially with the white shirt. Jongup solo was so damn sexy. The end. Himchan was so cool and I love how he interacted with people. Lisa the girl he picked was so cute and shy. I think when they did the love shot she just about died. He also got a real kick out of the pink sign someone made for him. I was so mad at him with that damn watergun. He would low key try to squirt you if you had your phone out. Skittles ducked out of the water and he laughed. He caught me I was too thru and ChocoPie started screaming at him playfully informally lol. Near the end of the concert people thought it was over but they came back out and people lost their minds again bad thing nobody wanted to leave because they thought it still wasn’t over lol. Hi touch was right after and the line was ridiculously long but what I didn’t like was how they was rushing people and screaming hurry up. KitKat told me that her, Jolly Ranchers, Sweet Tarts and Twizzlers had a plan.They rolled up to the table saying “ Ayeeee” with Youngjae and Zelo was like “ Ayeeeee”. There were some technical difficulties at the the table lol I’m not obligated to say what exactly lol but it gave Kit Kat a chance to have a moment with Youngae. For my high touch I made a mistake but it kind of helped me out a little bit in the end. I had my phone out in my hand not even paying attention really and I’m on my way walking to the table when the security screamed go back no phones no phones you will not be able to take a picture so I had to double back and put my phone in my pocket in the mean time two girls went in front of me flying by me. I almost missed Youngjae because he was the first one so I did a quick tap and hi with him and Zelo, but I had to slow down for Daehyun and held his hand told him I loved him all the while the lady is screaming at me to hurry up like excuse me lol and Jongup is laughing because I’m holding up the line XD  no fucks were given I don’t remember Himchan too much after hi five because I was being rushed and Gukkie had the biggest smile on his face when I hi touched. I almost left by mistake because you had to make a left to go back into the main hall. They grouped you by 10 with me and Skittles being on the end. We got lucky because I was the only one that wanted to take a picture with Daehyun and Skittles wanted Yongguk. I didn’t go when I was suppose to because it was suppose to be 5 at a time and I was number 6 but I did the numbers in my head. I noticed that 5 would stand in front and the others would kneel. I didn’t want to be on my knees so I just kept walking and just in time because I guess the girls didn’t figure out what was happening. The other four weren’t walking up either. So I stood right in front of Daehyun turned around and he started smiling, I didn’t know what to do so I gave him another hi five and then I waved to Jongup and the rest. Then we took two quick pictures and I said bye to him my heart. I was so high after that. It was so good I didn’t even care about the picture honestly. truly. It was all about the interactions and talking to them. The night was filled with so much drama but would I do it again? Yes in a heartbeat.

[thecrookedgavel]

The Black Box Readings - Ep 1 Transcript

Here’s the transcript for episode 1 of The Black Box Readings, the podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down. 

See Other Episodes

An: Hey, all! And welcome to The Black Box Readings, the new podcast where I read to you the backup of queer blogs that have gone down! I’m your host, An Capuano. So basically, it’s a show where I narrate through a deleted or deactivated blog over the course of a season, with a focus on queer artists. Though to be honest, there was a specific blog that inspired me to make this podcast, and unless this format is super popular, I may just do the one season. Anyway, although reading things in a dramatic fashion is definitely in my wheelhouse, non-fiction podcasts are not. So please bear with me while I go through some growing pains as I try and figure this thing out. 

Alright, so this season, we have the story of a digital artist who caught my attention with a really cool piece of Overwatch fanart. It’s about her journey through a life spent mostly online, disability, and navigating through the difficulties of realizing that you’re trans.

For those of you not in the know, I am a disabled trans woman myself, so it’s not a journey I’m altogether unfamiliar with. The biggest reason I’m doing this podcast is because stories like ours get drowned out in the media. I wanted to be able to tell her story so that queer people, young and old, can hear something that resonates with them. And I have a good feeling that this will do that for you.

The Tumblr in question, I won’t say the address. Just know that the title of the blog was: “Less Than Human”. Yeah, I know. Not a very cheery introduction. I sort of choose to think of it, kind of like reclaiming a slur. If she calls herself less than human, other people lose the power to hurt her with it. I’m telling you the blog title because it is important later.

Anyways, enough out of me, here’s the first post of the episode, which happens to be the first post of the blog itself. It’s titled:

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is -”

Ok, so I guess I didn’t think this through. In the post, she uses her deadname, and I don’t feel comfortable reading it out to you all. If I have to choose between deadnaming a trans girl and being a little inaccurate, I’m choosing inaccuracy. I should say, actually, that I don’t consider myself a journalist or anything like that. Also, I get it would be bad of me to use her real name too. So we’ll just call her… Hmmm…. Ok, let’s go with Emmy.

“Welcome!

Hey, my name is Emmy, and I’m 19 years old! Nice to meet you guys! I’ve decided to start posting on my tumblr instead of using it as a dash, lol! I’m a visual artist, though I mostly stick to digital art these days. I spend most of my time reading. My fandoms are Gravity Falls, Steven Universe, Supernatural, Sonic the Hedgehog, Marvel, and of course, Shrek! Lmao. I think Cat Girls are cute, but I’m not a weeb”

*Laugh* I never read this post while she was active. Her sense of humor is really present in this post, she was always silly like this. Anyways, she follows up this post by posting a backlog of art that I figure she must have made and not shown to anyone. It’s all really good stuff. Some fandom, some original. It’s clear to me that she’s not posting her earlier, rougher work. I don’t remember too many details though, as this was a while ago, and I didn’t think to save her artwork when I was copying all her text posts into the google doc. I hope someone out there saved them before they were deleted, though.

I’m not going to bore you by reading every single one of her posts, or anything like that. Just the ones that stand out to me. Here’s one about Supernatural and how she might be falling out of love with it. 

“I don’t know guys, I’m finding it hard to watch supernatural these days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still one of my favorite shows, it’s just totally not as good as the first 5 seasons. That and I WANT DEAN AND CASS TO BE TOGETHER! Is that so wrong? Look, Cass is an immortal being that just HAPPENED to take a male form. If he had a female form, you can bet that he and Dean would have banged already. I’ve read the tumblr posts too, the ones that talk about all the hints the writers give that Dean is gay. This is ABSOLUTELY queerbaiting, and even as a straight guy, I can see that. I have a lot of gay mutuals who have convinced me how ultimately cute Dean and Cass are, and I feel bad for them, because they’re not being treated fair. You think in its 12 seasons there would be something, but no, nothing. Pisses me off”

Here is where we start seeing a connection between Emmy and queer culture. Although she’s currently IDing as straight and male, you can tell she cares about queer representation. Now, I’m not saying that wanting good queer content makes you queer, of course not. Just that knowing that Emmy is queer, when you look back at her earlier posts, there’s some evidence there. She even talks about Castiel, a male character, having a female form, which I find interesting for obvious reasons.

Next up is a post about something outside of her fandoms, a show called Monk. For those of you who don’t know it, it’s a show focused on a detective with OCD who uses his disability to solve crimes no one else can. As someone with OCD myself, I really enjoyed the show, but it’s not without its problems. Hmm, yeah, I’ll get to those after reading the post, I think

“I’ve been watching a new show lately! Well, a show that’s new to me at least. It’s called Monk! I’m 3 seasons in, and I laugh every episode. But it’s not without its serious moments too. It’s about Adrian Monk, a detective with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and it’s like a super power to him. He can do things no one else can. But he also can’t do things that everyone else takes for granted. Mood. He always says “It’s a gift… And a curse” when talking about it. Big mood. Anyway, I highly recommend it, because it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill! I’m so used to people who are “crazy” being mass murderers or some shit. Idk, it’s heartwarming.”

I noticed one of the hashtags of her post was, “Finally found a version with captions.” This is important for later and I’ll get to it by the end of the episode. Where the previous post was the first we saw of her queerness, this is the first we’ll see about her connection with mental illness. It’s unclear if she feels her inabilities are balanced off by her abilities, or if her “mood” was just about her being unable to do what others can. Since her “big mood” is regarding Adrian Monk’s favourite quote “It’s a gift and a curse”, I like to think she was being positive and was including her abilities in the “mood.”

While I do agree with Emmy that it’s a positive depiction of someone mentally ill, and that’s certainly better than having yet another bad guy is who’s only evil because he’s crazy, I’m worried that it’s too positive. It’s actually a really common trope where neurodivergent people in media are seen as “super human,” like Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory, or uhh, the main character from The Good Doctor, I forget his name. It makes it look like everyone with autism or OCD are geniuses, and that sort of skews how neurotypicals view people like us in a negative way. Like, I do view my OCD as a gift, I wouldn’t be able to write the way I do, or play video games the same way if I didn’t have it. But I’m not a superhuman by any means. But I’m expected to, in some sense, outperform everyone because of my OCD, because of this impossible standard set by the media. *Sigh* I’m sorry, I’m getting really off topic. I hope you don’t mind this little rant.

Back to Emmy, I find it a little upsetting that she feels herself cursed in some way. Knowing what I know about her, I like to think she was more gifted than cursed, but given the title of her blog, I doubt she would agree with me. We can glean from this post that she is disabled in some way or another. Maybe she herself has OCD? Or maybe she just relates her own, different disability to OCD? It’s hard to tell at this point, and I don’t want to spoil it, especially since it will come up again in a few posts. 

Next up, we have a post about not just queer characters, but lesbian characters. I’m sure you have heard of Overwatch by now, even if you haven’t played it. Well, the creative devs promised us that a handful of the cast was queer, and at least to me, it seemed like an empty promise. Hmm, I guess it seems a little bit like the queerbaiting conversation we had earlier. Interesting. You know what I mean, right? Like, why take the risk of pissing off the straight, cis part of your fanbase with queer characters when you can just say some characters are queer and attract a bigger queer fanbase that way? But then they did something that blew me out of the water. They made a comic where Tracer has a girlfriend. This next post from Emmy is about this reveal.

“Merry Christmas! And what a Christmas it’s been. Because I got something I’ve been asking for for a LONG time. Blizzard made Tracer gay! I’m not the only one who’s been asking for this, a huge chunk of the fandom has been saying that Tracer is only into other girls. It’s been my headcanon for so long, and now it doesn’t have to be, because it’s canon! Tracer and Emily are so cute together! And their kiss is so hot too! Yeah, lesbians are really hot in general. They’re every guy’s ultimate fantasy. Thanks, Jeff!”

An: Ok, so before we continue, I think I need to apologize on Emmy’s behalf for the way she talks about lesbians. As a trans lesbian, I had a period where I talked about lesbains that way too. Before I came to terms with that identity, I mean. Since you believe you’re a straight guy, there’s no real explanation for why you’re so into lesbians other than them being a male fantasy. But it’s more than that. It’s part of like, seeing yourself as a girl that the idea of being with a girl that likes girls... that is so fundamentally appealing. 

Like, ok. *sigh* I remember this one time very clearly… I was with my girlfriend at the time and a friend of mine at a bubble tea shop. This was probably 9 or 10 years ago now? Jeez. Anyways, this couple of girls starts making out at the table next to us, and I had a full on sexual awakening. I remember that I couldn’t look away. Mostly because my ex wouldn’t let me forget it. I got teased by my friend and berated by my ex. Because I couldn’t explain what happened to her, let alone to myself, I eventually came up with a rather math-y explanation involving vectors of attraction *laugh*. Something like, if women are attractive to me, and men are not attractive to me, then adding their vectors together gives less attraction than two women’s vectors being added together. It was pretty stupid. I don’t talk to either of those two people anymore, by the way. 

Anyways, my point is that since this is before she’s realized she’s a lesbian herself, she’s under the false impression that she needs to sexualize lesbians in order to explain why she’s so attracted to the concept. So please don’t hold that against her. 

---

With that out of the way, we can move on to her next post. It’s a piece of art she made, and it’s pretty special to me. You see, this was the way I found her blog. One of the blogs I follow, who knows which at this point, must have reblogged it and it came across my dashboard. Again, I don’t have a copy of any of Emmy’s art, but I remember it pretty well. It’s a picture of Emily wearing Tracer’s outfit... Shit… Why did I give Emmy a name so close to Emily? Emily as in Tracer’s girlfriend. Maybe it’s because of my association with her and this drawing? Either way, it’s too late now, I’m not re-recording this whole episode. *Sigh* We’ll just stick with the blogger being named Emmy. Anyways! She’s sort of looking a bit out of place, like she doesn’t know how to feel about having a Chrono-accelerator attached to her chest. There’s a speech bubble in the frame pointing off screen that says, “You look marvellous, love!”, or something to that effect, but it’s obviously supposed to be Tracer saying it. It was a really cute drawing, and I was really fond of it, so I liked and followed. Feels like so long ago. 

Anyways, she did reblog the picture afterwards, saying:

“Thank you so much for all the notes! I really appreciate the support. Who knew that something so dumb would be liked by so many people? I really like Emily, and I hope she’s added as a Hero in Overwatch soon! I feel so happy! I’m going to go and do some more drawing, so keep an eye out for more posts!”

Not much going on in this post, but I decided to read it anyway because it contrasts so heavily with the next post. Not the next time she posted, but the next post I’m going to read. Actually, it’s the last post of this episode. 

So, I’m going to warn you, this is a side of Emmy we haven’t seen yet. The really negative side. *Sigh* I don’t know what set her off, maybe nothing did, but I think this post is very important to read to you, as it clears the air about her disabilities.

“I really appreciate all the love you’ve given my art, but I feel like I don’t deserve any of it. I’m so broken and worthless and I’ve only been pretending to be normal so that you’ll all like me. The truth is, I’m physically and mentally disabled, and life is just a never ending struggle. 

First off, I’m deaf. Very deaf. The quietest thing I can hear in either ear is a chainsaw. It means I can’t understand speech or anything I’d need to be social. I don’t know sign language at all, I was never taught. So I just… stay inside all day. I’ve been homeschooled by my Dad since I was young. He thinks something bad will happen to me if I go outside, because I couldn’t hear something like a car coming towards me. So I live my life online, for the most part. I feel so isolated, and like I can’t relate to anyone normal. 

Also, I have Bi-Polar Disorder. For those you don’t know of it, it basically means I have high highs and low lows. I’ve done a good job so far at hiding my lows from everyone and only showing my highs. Until now, I guess… I just feel so low today, and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I just had to be real. Even if it’s an ugly side of me that I hate. My dad hates how moody I am too. He just doesn’t get that it’s not my fault. Even my highs are hard for him to handle sometimes. Anyway, please forgive me for lying so long”

So, I sense a bit of imposter syndrome here. She’s gotten some success and because she views herself as not even a normal person, she thinks she doesn’t deserve it. It’s a pretty common feeling amongst content creators and something you have to move past if you want to make stuff. It’s like, *sigh* like me, I’m not an expert voice actor, why are people listening to me? I have tricked them into thinking I’m worth listening to. If you’re feeling that way about a recent success, just know that it’s all bullshit and it’s normal to feel that way. I wish I had that knowledge at the time I originally read that post… Because then, I would have messaged her and let her know. But yeah, we have more to unpack here.

She talks about being deaf, and the level that she describes is a profound hearing loss, which is as bad as it gets. I have that level of hearing loss in my left ear, and it’s really hard to deal with. So, I kind of can’t imagine what it would be like to have it in both ears. 

Like, for me, I remember this one time where I was at my locker in high school, and someone must have been asking me a question a few times on my bad side. She wanted to know if I had any extra bus tickets, and by the time I finally caught on that she was talking to me, she said something like “Urg, I just want to punch you.” And it wasn’t a joke either, she was very frustrated with the way my hearing loss had affected her. It made me feel small, and like I was an inconvenience to those around me. Guess it didn’t help how I felt that I had a crush on her at the time… Ha… *Sigh* It was very isolating to grow up like that. I didn’t really belong there, but I didn’t exactly belong in the deaf community either, since I could hear fine out of one ear. So when Emmy describes how isolating it is to be deaf and not know sign language, I get it. I really feel that. When I saw this post, it really made me feel for her. This is probably the point in time where I made a mental note to support her art whenever I could. 

Lastly she talks about her mental illness, being bi-polar. I know a lot less about bi-polar disorder than I do hearing loss. Though I was in a production that never wrapped up about a bi-polar teen. Actually, I was the strict dad who couldn’t understand his child’s illness, which is a similar theme seen in Emmy’s post. I’ve actually been cast as a dad 3 or 4 times now? Yeah. *Laughs* Anyways, what I understand about it is that it can be seasonal. You might be manic for a season, and depressive for another. But yeah, it doesn’t always work that way. Usually medication can help balance you out, but in Emmy’s case, she wasn’t taking any meds at this point. I’ll say it here for clarity’s sake, but her having bi-polar disorder was a self-diagnosis, not a professional one. That’ll be covered in the next episode, though. 

So now the whole “Less than Human” thing makes a bit more sense, doesn’t it? Not because it’s true in any sense, but because it was true to her. Disability is something that people tend to see as different, or othering. There’s a lot of stigma there. We can sort of tell at this point that the way her Dad views her and treats her doesn’t help her feel any better about this either. 

That’s why she likes the depiction of mental illness in Monk so much, right? Because it’s a bit of a “More than Human” approach. It gives her some hope that maybe she can be seen positively one day too. As far as movies with Deaf characters goes there’s like 100, if I recall correctly. Which is honestly pitiful compared to the amount of movies, period. So it’s more than likely that she never got to see herself in media in that perspective before. 

Also, there’s the markings of a budding trans girl in there too, which may further intensify the feeling of not being human. For years and years *sigh*, there was practically zero positive representation of trans people in media. We’re taught that feeling like this makes us freaks, and that presenting differently than we’re supposed to makes us... something worse than that. It all comes together to form something bitter and isolating. Especially before you start owning those parts of you and finding a community of your own.

Thank you for listening to this episode of The Black Box Readings! I really ranted more than I thought I would. Hopefully you all liked the anecdotal stuff I added in, didn’t really plan on doing that. Follow me on Twitter at TheCrookedGavel to stay up to date on this and other queer podcasts. Feel free to contact me there as well. This is An Capuano, signing off!