#I said that I didn't feel I had any other way of enforcing privacy as a boundary

[obstinatecondolement]

Wish my parents would take the "not swearing at me and shouting about how they own the house I live in" challenge every time I push back mildly against them treating me like a literal child challenge.

[demonicbaby666]

Me and the Devil

Kinktober 2023 | Once Upon a Time Masterlist | Masterlists

Fandom: Once Upon a Time

Pairing: Dark swan x fem!reader

Genre: smut & angst

Words: 2.1k+

Warnings: fingering, public sex (sorta), bit of violence, toxic relationship

Summary: Ever since she became the dark one, Emma has developed a habit of keeping those she didn't like around you away. The problem came when she decided that that was everyone.

A/n: wrote this in a day... enjoy xxx

Emma had changed. Of course, after Camelot, everyone saw it. The difference was seen not only in her appearance but in her regard to those around her, and the balance between right and wrong had dramatically shifted in the saviour-turned-dark one's mind. You'd learnt the hard way that Emma had become an enforcer of her rules. Therein lied a modicum of problems, one being poor sneezy had been turned to stone - alongside other menial townsfolk Emma deemed insignificant - another problem being anyone who set their eyes on you, romantically or platonically didn't matter, would pay a heavy price. 

It started small. Whale was one of the first. His punishment for leering was the removal of something the man held to the utmost importance - the ability to get 'it' up. Then came the bartender at the rabbit hole, who paid particular attention to you. At first, it was a free drink here and there, which was fine, but then he got a little too loose-lipped. As you exited with one very drunk Ruby, who was clinging onto Belle for dear life, you saw a dark silhouette in the alleyway next to the bar and a bloodied figure on the floor weeping. 

Though it was initially amusing, and you appreciated the gesture, being that creepy men never dared to flirt or check you out again, you never said. In fact, you made a point of never addressing Emma at all. You simply assumed she punished people who made you uncomfortable in an attempt to assuage the resentment you felt towards her for becoming the dark one. But as time passed, the justice the former saviour dished out became far too severe - and often unwarranted. 

You'd feel her eyes on you everywhere you went, sometimes in the privacy of your own home. Looking into a reflective surface, you could almost pick out the green hue of her eyes. People were scared to come within two feet of you, and the list of townsfolk who once smiled and waved to you from across the street or stopped to chat with you lessened and lessened. Now, only those closest to you dared to be in your presence, and sometimes, they, too, kept a wary eye out. 

Despite the predicament you found yourself in, you refused to pay Emma any attention. You went about your daily routine: work, catch-ups, meetings with the merry band of heroes and, of course, your magic lessons with Regina. 

"What were you doing?" A familiar voice called out from behind you as you closed the door to the mausoleum. 

Letting out an exasperated sigh and debating just walking back into the tomb, you brought your fingers to your temples and traced soothing circles, the presence of a headache already looming, "Hello to you too, Swan." 

"I asked you a question." The blonde seized your wrist and spun you around to face her. 

"Stuff," you snidely answered, raising a challenging eyebrow. 

The grip on your wrist tightened, but you trained your face to remain impassive and unbothered, "Don't be a brat. It's not cute when you're fully dressed." She snapped, "Now tell me what you were doing." 

You snatched your hand back, "I was with Regina."

"Doing what?" 

"You know what." You replied, rolling your eyes.

Emma took a step forward, trapping you between her body and the grand red doors of the tomb. Olive eyes scanned your body head-to-toe before Emma smacked her hand down next to your head, "Did she touch you?" 

"That's none of your business," the older woman clenched her jaw, and the rising veins in her neck led you to believe it would be in your best interest to answer her, "No, she didn't touch me." you huffed and looked out into the vast expanse of the graveyard. 

Grey smoke bathed her flattened palm, "Prove it." She smugly smirked. 

Your head snapped back to the blonde, and her shit-eating grin struck a nerve in you. She looked so sure of herself, so conceited that you so desperately wanted to prove her wrong - just for the sake of chipping at her inflated ego. 

"Give me that stupid thing!" You said, snatching the dream catcher from her hands. Closing your eyes, you focussed on your time with Regina, channelling the memory of the lesson to appear across the intricate face of entwined string. A series of flashing images appeared before they settled. You bore your eyes accusingly into Emma as she witnessed the innocent encounter between two friends, "Now you've seen. Nothing happened. Are you happy now, Dark One?" 

Choosing her new title was a low blow, but the occasion called for it. In truth, you owed her nothing. You hadn't needed to answer her when she asked what you'd be doing. The moment she donned those black clothes and her name was etched in metal, she'd as good as lost you. You both knew it, yet one of you was more stubborn to accept it. 

Emma turned her nose up at you, "She put her hands on you."

"You mean the two-second goodbye hug?" Your frustration levels were rising, and with them, your disregard for volume control, "You've got to be fucking kidding me." The statement bellowed across the graveyard, bouncing off cracked headstones and finally dissipating in the distant fog. 

This situation had indeed aggravated you. The notion that Emma had some claim over you was maddening, especially since she was unwilling to act in any other way aside from threatening and enacting violence upon anyone who stood too close to you. 

The anger that coiled in your jaw and forced your knuckles white fought heavily in your chest to be set free, and why shouldn't it? Emma was being unreasonable, and you didn't have to endure it any longer. 

Closing your eyes, you took a few deep breaths, waiting till your heart stopped hammering against your chest to look at the blonde. With a stern and controlled voice, you spoke again, "I'm not doing this." 

Pushing past her to walk away, as in the theme of things, was not straightforward. The moment your foot touched down on the plot of land in front of you, your body was propelled backwards and thrown against the concrete wall of the mausoleum. The dark one clutched the empty space between her palms with an outstretched hand. Though she was not touching you, the feel of her fingers clamped around your neck so tight you fought to breathe. 

Thrashing your legs, determinedly attempting to find purchase on the unreachable ground and clawing at the wall, you shot daggers at the woman who stood before you. Her actions, despite her swearing otherwise, strikingly resembled those of a villain.

"Emma, stop this!" You croaked, "Let me go." 

Blood-red lips thinned into a malevolent grimace, "I will never let you go. You belong with me. To me."

"You're full of shit," You spat, ignoring the stars swimming in your vision and the shaking in your chest, "I will never be yours, not whilst you continue this frivolous crusade of yours." 

The former saviour surged forward the moment she released her hold on you, roughly pinning you to the wall with both the weight of her body and her hands clamped to your waist. The smell of magic danced in the air, and your worst fear was confirmed when you weren't able to move your hands. She had you where she wanted you. Trapped.

Lessons with Regina had only taught you the basics of magic, but that didn't stop you from fruitlessly trying to untangle yourself from the grasp of Emma's dark magic. 

"My magic is too strong for that," she stated proudly, inching closer. There was the ego again. 

Bringing your head slightly back, with all your strength driving it forward, you thrust your forehead into that aggravating grin. It'd leave a nasty bruise, but you didn't care. The blonde's head fell back, though that was the only response. Her hold on you was still firm. 

She spat to the side, leaving a tiny crimson puddle of saliva, then turned to you, a false pout on her bloodied lips, "Well, that wasn't very nice." 

"Fuck you." 

"Be nice." she chided, her anger visibly growing. 

"Or what?" you seethed between your teeth. 

The two of you stood in silence, searing holes into one another. Tension in the air mounted with each rushed breath, and your bodies burned with molten fury. 

"Brat," she whispered, inching forward. 

"Brute." 

The second you glanced down at her lips, it was game over. Emma closed the space between you and dominated your mouth instantly, plunging her tongue inside and coaxing a low moan from you. 

This woman had made your life a living hell. She'd done nothing to rectify her wrongdoings, never sought you out directly to make peace or even explain what had led up to her choosing to amass the title of 'The Dark One'. And somehow, none of that mattered because you'd missed how she kissed you, how the world fizzled away, and how you truly felt like yourself. 

You withdrew your tongue from the confines of your mouth and greeted Emma's familiar taste. At the first contact, the blonde let out a satisfied sigh, and the invisible restraints on your wrists were released. Free to place your hands wherever you pleased, you laced them through platinum locks and scraped your nails along Emma's scalp, drawing her impossibly closer. 

As hips started to move, Emma wedged her thigh between your legs, and a silent cry broke in your throat. Your head flew back, hitting the cold wall of the mausoleum, and the older woman wasted no time, planting wet, hot kisses over your exposed neck. 

"Fuck," you whimpered as the blonde bit down on a particular chunk of flesh she knew drove you crazy. Her tongue ran over the sore flesh, soothing it. 

Hands wandered, and soon enough, you had your arms around Emma's neck whilst she paid attention to kneading your breast and fiddling with the zipper of your jeans. The way she kissed you left your head dizzy and your lips sore, but that didn't stop you from encouraging the former saviour with a litany of explicit sounds and continually grinding down on her explorative fingers. 

When her fingers finally entered you, a crackling sob prompted Emma to, once again, pay homage to the scattered marks splayed over your neck down to the beginning of your shirt. 

"I've missed this," she said, peppering kisses up to your ear, "I've missed you."

You moaned in agreement, unable to form words with slender fingers sliding in and out of your wet channel. 

"I want you to say it," she said. 

"Hm?"

"Tell me you're mine," she whispered hotly into your ear, squeezing your nipple between her thumb and forefinger, "Say it." 

"No." You whimpered as she thrust into you again, her knuckles slamming against your clit. 

Teeth sunk into the sweet spot under your ear, and the blonde's fingers slid slowly out of you, "Say it, or I'll stop," Emma growled. 

The older woman began pumping into you again, this time at a cruel pace, leaving you winded and crying out, "No. No. NO!"

"Tell me who you belong to. Tell me who you'll always belong to, who owns you." She sucked the sore patch of skin below your ear into her mouth, painting it a shade of red that would soon darken purple. With her thumb hovering over your aching clit, Emma commanded you one last time, "Say it." 

As her thumb brushed over your neglected pearl, she roughly tweaked your nipple, and the weakened dam holding you back from surrendering broke, "You, Emma Swan. I belong to you and you alone!" You screamed into the expanse of the graveyard and were forced to listen to your acquiesce bellow over misted grass and mildewed slabs of stone.

And with your submission fresh in her ears, the older woman was satisfied. She applied a circular motion to your clit whilst curling her fingers, fucking you deep and hard. 

Emma's lips drowned out your roaring cries and moans. She removed her hand from your chest and laid it flat against the wall. With the extra support, Emma was free to use the full weight of her body. And that she did. Her hips drove back and forth, aiding her fingers to piston rapidly in and out of your sopping sex. Lewd moans escaped from the kiss that had grown messy - all teeth and tongues - but neither of you cared because you both knew what was coming. 

Your release came strong and heavy. Your scream was unrecognisable, mangled and broken, tearing your throat to shreds whilst a single tear rolled idly down your cheek. The sated feelings running through your body were euphoric. Memories of a better time flashed in your mind: a red leather jacket, a bubbly blonde, evenings spent laughing and cuddling. 

When you looked at the woman before you, so changed, your eyes clouded with tears. 

And then the shame and guilt came. 

Tags: @babygirlscout @7thavenger @five-bi-five-mind @kenyakimble34 @12fluffybunny12 @maxinehufflepuffprincess @whosprentiss @asolitaryrose3 @imlike-so-gaydude @awritersometime @jareguiromanoff @fayhar @lovelyy-moonlight @patronagrona | click here to be added to my taglist

[tesria]

I've been in a DV shelter in the UK. It was ok, not one of the best ones but it was ok.

Each of us had our own rooms we could lock from the inside. The living room and kitchen space were communal. There were lockable standard bathrooms (one per 3 bedrooms) and a downstairs toilet. At no point was I ever in a position for anyone to see me naked if I didn't want them to. Terfs almost seem to imply you're sharing a room with someone else, and at least in the UK that's just not true (nor was it ever true for any of the several women there who had previously been at other shelters). You have security and privacy. I want to make that part clear.

I'm cis, for the record, but I'm so sick of terfs crying at the thought that someone they feel icky about might be there. You will be housed with alcoholics. With other kinds of addicts. With women who hurt themselves, and women with trauma-induced mood swings. All of those things are far more important to your experience in a shelter than what someone looks like under their clothing, or what attraction they might theoretically harbour.

So I think either the terfs saying this stuff have wholesale imagined some weird barracks-like situation with multiple beds and communal showers and panicked themselves about it, or on the other hand a feminine utopia where everyone feels comfortable and happy (which looks like whatever makes them feel that way and nothing else). Neither is true. They are safe places, but being safe and feeling comfortable aren't the same thing. Everyone there is traumatised, and that isn't comfortable.

So maybe some have those imaginings or utopia or communal showers, but most just believe that trans women are inherently predators and try and frame that in ways they think others will find palatable. The predator accusation is something that used to be (and sometimes still is) openly said of lesbians and gays. It's 100% recycled homophobia, and the terfs are coming all the way back around to saying here that attraction to women makes you predatory. They're making it clear that attraction to women is a problem for them.

I shared all this because I think it's really important to clear out benefit of the doubt and misconceptions that make someone seem reasonable. Shelters are not comfortable utopias, but they are physically safe for the most part (as much as anywhere can be), and staff are pretty clear about enforcing those safety policies. It doesn't matter if someone else there is queer, everyone there has their own shit to worry about.

So JK Rowling just launched Beira's Place, a DV shelter that specifically excludes trans women.

Why does it exclude trans women? You ask

Because they think that trans women might be attracted to the women there, and do something about that attraction

So now if you're attracted to women and trying to use a DV shelter, you could be turned away because you're attracted to women

61% of Bisexual Women experience domestic violence in their lifetime. Over half of lesbians reported being abused at some point in their lifetimes. TERFism and transphobia has also been shown to be overwhelmingly Racist, particularly when it comes to 'clocking' trans people.

This is horrific, but because it's TERF island they're getting away with it. The TERF movement has shut down multiple trans inclusive centres. The TERF movement is, and always has been, about the systematic removal of rights for trans people, gay people, and POCs. This is a nightmare.

[miyuskye]

Idk man, if Utsumi didn't want Adam to be misunderstood then she could've written in a lot better. People like to excuse bad writing by saying its "complex" bc the fans are filling in the blanks. Makes for a big fandom, but it doesn't mean the writing is good. You can make complex characters without them being pedos, rapists or abusers.

I never said that she wrote him amazingly, though. I don't remember if I posted this here or on twitter, but I can assure you that between ep 11 and ep 12 I was a bit puzzled because I had the feeling that the story didn't want to go for a punishment route for Adam but one episode felt too short for a whole redemption arc. I am personally a fan of redemption arcs, and seeing one fitted in like 3 minutes was... Not the best example of good writing I can make. But, after all, 12 episodes pass quickly, and Utsumi said in an interview that she wanted the story to be even more convoluted (an example? Reki's first skating friend or the hinted and super rushed past of the three founders). Should she have tried to cut more and make things simpler given the short time she had? Probably, but, as a writer myself, I think it's not possible, once you have a first idea of what your characters and story is going to be.

Having said that, and especially thinking back to the whole series (which I rewatched bearing in mind that Adam wasn't supposed to be irredeemable) I think that Utsumi never actively tried to make him Bad. The whole thing with Langa has indeed a creepy vibe, but he never acts on it; he gives him flowers, he professes his love for him but, despite it arguably being an unconscious way for him to elicit a reaction in Tadashi (even outside of romantic feelings), he never actually goes to Langa's house and forces him into anything. I understand that you can say that most of my hcs for Adam are interpretation, but if we're going this way, then he has never raped anyone on screen. He has never showed Miya the same intensity he showed to Langa (not even an ounce; heck, when he gives him advice, he does it from afar in order not to touch him). With Langa, he makes sure to ask for consent. We all agree that using drones is a violation of privacy and definitely a crime, but he did it because he wanted to know why he was sad in S. Aside from that, we're not seeing him having any other footage from Langa's private life. With these, I'm not saying that he's a good guy (he's the villain for a reason), or that he doesn't have the potential to be a pedo, or a rapist. It's just that, on screen, there isn't enough evidence to certainly label him as such. There are hints, of course, but there are also clues of him just being an over the top antihero (while still being liable of crimes, like perjury - even though he was the one who sold Takano out, or invasion of privacy. Heck, he even runs an illegal skating ring, but its participants, namely everyone else in the show, are just as guilty in that context).

I believe I extensively talked about why I don't think we, as watchers, can label Adam as a pedo or rapist 100% sure. As for him being an abuser, I believe his only "victim" could arguably be Tadashi. His beefs with Reki were conducted under the S rules, after all. I am familiar with this trope, and it gave me a Fight Club vibe or, if you want a more uncultured reference, a Fast and Furious vibe: in an underground ring, everything is allowed and both participants go in fully aware of this. Shadow burns Reki's skateboard in ep 1 and throws firecrackers at people but no one is conducting a public trial for him. Everyone involved should have just refused Adam's challenges, had they not wanted to get injured. It's not like he goes to Reki's school and punches him. Same with Cherry who had been the one asking for a beef all of these years. (Also from a recent interview, it came out that the skateboard to the face is actually inspired from a real skating move but I'm afraid I don't have enough evidence in the form of irl people videos to fully back up this claim). As for Tadashi, I believe there are countless posts explaining why he's not the abused one in the relationship: he actively stands for Adam's real abusers and he wants to take away skateboarding from him. The reason for that is not because he wants to be free, but because he doesn't want Adam to be involved in a scandal. Ultimately, he does it for his sake, like everything else. Is their relationship healthy? Probably not, but co-dependence isn't really healthy. But that's another pair of shoes, and also another interpretation. Tadashi is undoubtedly happy at the end of the series, and sticks to Ainosuke's side because he wants to.

After all these words, I want to conclude that it's perfectly fine if you want to envision Adam as an irredeemable character. Utsumi hadn't written him well enough for him to be solely interpreted as an antihero (she tried to make up for it with lore pieces in interviews, but I understand it's not enough) (i.e. Zuko from atla has an enough complex and well-written redemption arc for people to more easily agree that he was meant to be an antihero and not just generally bad but that's not the case for Adam). It's perfectly fine if you hate his character, find him creepy or find it easy to label his behaviour as problematic (because it is). The thing is, there are other people entitled to their own opinions, based on Utsumi's words which keep enforcing the antihero Adam agenda. I'm not forcing anyone to see Adam as a good character (he's not). But I personally think that there is enough lore and complexity which was left out because of lack of space that shouldn't be just ignored, that is all!

Thank you for your ask!!

[more-than-a-princess]

Oh, that was it. It was clear to Sonia that she had taken a step too far: so entrenched in her personal sense of justice and fairness that it had bristled against her friend's already-prickly shell. And making a scene in the courtyard to boot: she sighed, idly reaching for a small tangle in her long hair and smoothing it out. Another thing she wasn't supposed to do in front of others: see to her beauty needs while enforcing her personal views on moral fortitude.

Shinobu had begun, Sonia thought, to retreat into themselves, and she began to wrestle with two conundrums of her own: why had they even asked her to come, if her opinions and presence would only serve to upset them in the end? And did they regret it yet, trying to take Princess Sonia of Novoselic on a perfectly normal outing that she, even without opening her mouth, would manage to make a disaster of? "Thank you," Sonia replied at Shinobu's offer. "I feel awful for what happened in the courtyard already. I do not want to make this afternoon worse for you or your friend. I am sorry, I realize I have said too much."

Was it the way Shinobu held herself, or the way her lips curved into a deep frown of displeasure? Sonia wasn't entirely sure, but what she did know was that she didn't like it. Or rather, she didn't like seeing Shinobu like this: a look and posture of disdain and disappointment, the look she was used to her friend giving the throngs of young women who loitered outside of Hope's Peak's gates waiting for her nearly every afternoon. The look she'd given to her date when she'd dumped that soda atop Sonia's head. Maybe it was contrary to how so many saw Shinobu Yaguchi, but Sonia would really preferred her to be smiling, or at least content about her life at present.

She just wasn't sure if she could help her achieve it, but that wouldn't stop Sonia from trying.

"Yes, I remember," She said. She couldn't bring herself to lean against the wall beside Shinobu, so she took to standing straight, shoulders back and head high, near her instead. "I was worried about being trampled, so I asked Anzu-san to give you my chocolates instead. I was not sure if the candy would have arrived intact otherwise. I hope you liked them." She smiled softly at the thought. Sonia had never heard from her friend if she did like them: she'd always assumed Shinobu didn't like chocolate at all. Maybe she tasted a few offerings just to be nice, but she doubted she kept any of them. Still, it was a nice thought: that Shinobu Yaguchi enjoyed, instead of merely tolerated, her gift. She didn't want to receive special treatment most of the time, but there was something about her friend appreciating her gift over others that gave Sonia butterflies.

"But that is unfortunate," Sonia continued, her smile now warmer, one that reached her eyes and was directed solely at Shinobu. "You should be able to go about your life in peace, without others constantly in demand of you. Maybe it sounds crass, but I know, truly, what that is like. I would not wish that on anyone, especially you."

She was a dear friend, but even a friend couldn't keep Sonia's smile on her face when asked about her supposed post-White Day 'date.' The disappointment appeared in her eyes before the rest of her face caught up: chin tilted down towards the floor, the frown. "Oh, that," She replied, her tone dull and flat, lacking the compassion she'd felt when talking about Shinobu just before. "I knew he had not made or requested it himself when I asked about the various types of strawberries used. He did not know that there were multiple varieties of strawberries."

Sonia sighed deeply, her blonde brows furrowing. Shinobu hadn't meant to unnerve her, she understood that. But they'd opened a floodgate that, until the privacy of that hallway and their company, Sonia had kept bottled tightly inside her. Complaining was a weakness, one a princess should never show, and yet with the smallest inquiry from her friend it all came tumbling out. "He wanted me to go to a party with him," She continued, "Some large, fancy party for members of the Japanese Diet, to congratulate another law reform that will make the majority of Japanese citizens suffer for the sake of those in power. He was already in a sour mood due to someone injuring his nose, but he needed someone. Me, on his arm, to compete with his friends and their heiresses, actresses, idols, and models."

She paused, swallowing thickly, as her hands balled into fists. "To make sure his father noticed that he was the only one there with a princess in tow. He did not even want to talk to me, to listen to anything I had to say, unless it was about him or his family. That is how it is...that is how it usually, always, is."

Sonia pushed her anger aside in favor of focus, of determination, her hands uncurling and relaxing at her sides. "That is why I think I should not try to date anymore, at least while I am still a student, at least until I must date, and marry, and bear the next heirs to the throne," She explained, nodding, as if the gesture would cement her decision further. "Everyone wants to date me because I am a princess, I am something to show off or something they feel compelled to protect because I am perceived as fragile and elevated over others. And those who do not care about my title...well, my title still hurts them in the end. It would be easier if I did not require a love match, but, I cannot in good conscience enter a relationship, much less a marriage, without one."

"I didn't mean to give the impression that I imagine myself to have any say over your friendships, Miss Nevermind. I don't consider myself in that sort of position, nor would I want to be." Though, there was something limp and lacking about Sonia's words, to Shinobu's ears. They wondered how Tsubasa would feel about being tacked on by a cis, straight woman as a prop for her argument. Wasn't it a bit presumptuous of her to lecture on the issue of gender when her own knowledge of its breadth was so recently developed?

There was a certain, obvious privilege that came from Sonia seeing things so equally, in such a lens that balanced both sides of an argument - as though Shinobu's justified distaste for men, in light of everything they'd done to her, had anything in common with the obvious disdain she received from men who leered at her chest when her father dragged her along to MEXT meetings, right before making a point about the importance of upholding established rules and defending against the so-called dangerous ideology of gender politics. As though a woman expressing her individualized hate for men could be compared in any meaningful way to the institution of male hegemony that treated women as dirt - denying representation, withholding promotions, demanding a man's approval for their healthcare, treating their interests and hobbies as lesser, expecting women to lie back and push out as many children as economists suggested, all while painting them as hysterical and lacking in logic for ever having the gall to take issue with this system.

Even thinking about it made her blood boil inside her veins. She'd expected - clearly incorrectly - that Sonia would have some sense of understanding, given how her status as a female monarch-to-be was so weaponized in her country. But no, that had been a foolish, naively optimistic hope. It wasn't possible for Shinobu Yaguchi to be understood or empathized with, not for any great length of time. There were only so many times someone could have their hand bitten trying to reach out to the beast before they gave up and suggested it be killed. Her unpalatable nature, her lack of humanity, her blinding rage and lust for violence that simmered inside the iceberg she'd built of her heart, these were clear and obvious reasons why she was better off as a wretched, loathsome husk, rather than pretending to be a real human.

She wasn't angry at Sonia - not really. Rather, it was just that the world was as it was, and things had proceeded in such a direction that there was no other way for Shinobu Yaguchi to be. Even Anzu didn't really understand her. Anzu's friendship was built upon a childhood promise that she felt beholden to, even when Shinobu had long since released her from its bindings. Beyond that, she only saw what she wanted to, anyway - a grown-up version of a once-happy child, rather than the bitter, misanthropic 'cold prince' that Shinobu had become. This was why it was better for her to live the life she had, rather than wishing, childishly, for a different one. This was why there was no point in trying to cultivate any relationships. She was ill-suited for them.

It followed, as well, that there was no reason to try and explain herself to Sonia. It seemed like she'd misunderstood, in part, anyway. She framed her opposition to Shinobu's thinking in terms of herself - that she had male friends who respected her, what she thought about everything, when most of Shinobu's animosity was rooted in their own experience. How Okuma related to Sonia had little to do with it. Well... yes, little was probably the correct word, rather than nothing, but only because it seemed one more unnecessary infringement, one more unnecessary barrier, that she could not even hold her friend's hand into an event without others having opinions on it.

In the moments they'd been silent, they'd wilted, drawing inward as they thought. Conversation for its own sake didn't come easily to her, and she was possessed of a certainly melancholic, introspective attitude that so easily closed itself off from others. "Mm. I'll watch the clock so we don't disturb the performance by arriving late." As for the topic of conversation... well, Shinobu couldn't think of much. Surely Sonia didn't really want to talk to her right now, anyway, and was probably regretting coming along. Everyone had their fill of Shinobu Yaguchi eventually, and if Sonia had reached that point, she'd endured longer than most and Shinobu could hardly hold it against her.

"There's really nothing in particular on my mind," they answered, mumbling their words while staring to the ground. "I just desired the opportunity to speak with you privately, rather than within earshot of others." With a small sigh, she adjusted her posture - still resting against the wall, but straighter and less gloomily - and pushed her hair out of her face. "And, I prefer not to be surrounded by others for lengths of time. It's arrogant of me, surely, to assume it likely wherever I go, but, you did see how Valentine's Day went. I once arrived early to one of Anzu's performances, and there ended up being damage to the theater from people shoving and climbing over the seats. It was quite embarrassing for me."

She gave another sigh. How miserable. "Oh, speaking of..." At least most of the anger had burned itself out. Rarely could the kind of wrathful anger inside her sustain itself for long, which was for the best when it came to a topic such as this one. "You had a date recently, didn't you? Anzu mentioned hearing that some gentleman took credit for your White Day gift-" her White Day gift from them. Cooled anger or not, self-loathing or not, they'd feel no regret for hitting Hasegawa as they had. "and asked you on a date. How did that go?" Well, it wasn't any of Shinobu's business, really, outside of a friend's cautious interest towards how someone might mislead Sonia. Yet...

[vagabondpainter-blog]

Catching up

It all is so far away now, counted as well in days as in weeks, in kilometers, in miles or in impressions, in encounters and insights, or measured by fruitless attempts to write this blog.

To catch up while still keeping this Text readable, I will shorten things, I will have to be unjust.

The people I met, friends I visited, friends I found, even strangers who gave advice or help before quickly disappearing again along the ever winding road, they all deserved more words of gratitude, the landscapes I've seen, the early morning mists, birdsong, rough hills and gentle streams, they are all worthy of poems, paintings, and some day hopefully I will find the rest to praise them rightly.

And about people, about friends: I will not talk in depth about them here, maybe some of the closest not even talk about at all or just mention briefly. That is because trust and friendship are sacred, I don't want anyone to have to worry about being displayed and evaluated here, or conversations being put on public display. That's why my tale will sound probably egocentric at times. Besides some points I take out of conversations I'm determined to keep this a blog only about the experiences and lessons I came across, to share and hopefully inspire, but leave people their privacy.

So informations about others I'll keep vague and brief except for some relevant points now and then if they are required as context.

For now it's these fragments, learned lessons and impressions:

1] The Kindness Of Strangers

The boat leaves in the late afternoon, yet I'm here already. It wasn't easy to say goodbye to friends. Its the moment when you painfully realize what you leave behind before you find the courage to let things go and to jump into an uncertain future. I'm grateful that there have been friends to be missed, friends waving when I left and many people, places and memories to cherish, so rather say 'Thank you' than 'Good bye'.

Now I'm here, not sure how to store a bicycle on the ferry, what to do and where to go. A fellow cyclist reassures me that everything will be ok and shows how to secure the bicycle before we part and enter the huts.

It is a smooth sailing on calm waters. I take position on the south side and watch, watch how Ijmuiden floats away, see Zandvoort passing in the distance, let memories rise out of the parting waves until much later the last dim reflection of the sun is swallowed by the darkness of the water.

Next morning I watch the sunrise from the front-deck before later slowly the shore of Britain appears on the horizon.

Back in the belly of the ship, bicycle is packed and we wait for permission to get on land. My fellow cyclist is here again and we find out that we worked in the same field, be it in different positions, until lately when I quit my job. Healthcare in general, and psychiatry in particular seems to struggle with the same problems on both sides of the water- lack of resources combined with an abundance of expectations and many self-declared specialists eagerly waiting on the sidelines to tell you how exactly you should do your job. I don't regret my step.

Soon we change the subject, talk about more uplifting things, like freedom, travels, cycling and living life.

I'm glad he offers to accompany me for the first few miles, show me the way and help me get accustomed to cycling on the left side of the road.

While traveling the shore, he realizes that my journey later would take me along the A1, the most dangerous and deadly road of Britain. Plans change and a bit later I find myself in a nice cozy house, greeted by a friendly dog. The family is gathered now, they brought dutch scones and there I am, arrived in Britain, eating dutch bread and being made welcome.. and grateful.

Later they even offer me a lift along the A1 so I can continue my journey quite a few miles north on a safe bicycle path.

Actually- actually I made a promise to myself when I gave up my home- to leave every place I visit a little bit nicer, tidier or kinder then I found it, be it a small bit within my powers only.

Yet here I am, receiving all this kindness and struggling to find a way to give a tiny thing at least.

A small contribution I might be able to make after all- the lady of the house is an artist and I hope to come back and spend some time, exchanging tips and knowledge about painting.

It won't really be able to repay the welcome, they didn't know how much it meant- this first encounter on the new path, a sense of home in the world out there.

2] Of Hunters, Vegans, Spiders, Flies, and Shamans too

For my first working assignment I arrive one or two days late.

The bicycle paths in Britain are made for leisure, not for means of transportation, to get from A to B, you sometimes get sent along the beautiful yet rough and rocky road uphill through E to G.

In the morning my host comes to town to give me a lift uphill so I don't need to climb up to the cottage. We soon find out a difference in lifestyle, that either might lead to conflict or to very interesting talks-

While I myself took up a vow years ago to restrain from eating or even using animal products, he is an outspoken and passionate hunter and skillful hunting guide.

Greeted by a friendly dog and a flock of even friendlier chickens I put up my hammock next to a cottage that has seen many years, some of them hard, now regaining its beauty under its tenants committed work.

Not only the growing vegetables outside provide some common ground to get along, we soon find out, as the Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh once said: “If you wish to be understood, you should listen very carefully”

I put aside any prejudice and get a chance to actually learn- a hunter may just as much care about nature and all life in it as the convinced vegan.. not every hunter of course, some are in it for profit just as some vegans are in it for pride.

Those others, those on both sides who actually do care, more and more appear to me as devoted parents arguing about the best cure for their sick child. Later I will briefly encounter a native American shaman and will have to realize that those revered ancient cultures are hunters too.

And when I rescue a little spider after that the other day, it strikes me, how many other insects I might have sent to certain death by saving this one predator...

In the end it seems that our technological power has by far outgrown our human wisdom and it's estrangement from nature what deceives us to take extreme positions- on one side some are abusing sensible, breathing, childbearing live as if it where an industrial product, which makes us a parasite in the organs of life, while on the other side we might not interfere when necessary and so get complicit in catastrophes out of fear of causing individual harm, which is neglect of our responsibilities as intelligent life form.

Life is sustained by devouring itself in any form. In the complex web of interdependence I will continue to avoid harm, but I also learned to judge less those who are willing to intervene, it's the caring about nature, the respecting of life and the willingness to learn about them, what defines whether our actions are righteous and wise, there is not one answer that fits all circumstances.

3] Anam Cara

The path up north led me through the green hills of a land where all the places sound like echoes of long forgotten songs and ancient tales.

Shelters where ready, arranged by friends of a friend, all without expecting anything in return, just out of kindness, setup in beautiful places, the shore of a river, a comfortable trailer in a wide meadow with view on the distant chain of snowy hills, hosts welcoming the traveler, helping and showing me around, and I had to learn that sometimes all one has to offer in return is humble gratitude.

What a strange and beautiful paradise waits in the hills behind Inverness. Anam Cara is the retreat center I work and paint for here.

Lodges and huts are made of timber, stone, from large barrels and from caravans..

I sometimes get lost on the terrain, nothing here is put in a straight line, everything has grown naturally accordingly to the apparent conditions at the time.

It's a place just like its founders and inhabitants, a marriage of Buddhist Dharma and shamanic teachings, enforcing and helping each other by aiming at the same goal from different angles in perfect eclectic harmony.

4] Of Tunnels and Light

At Scottish Borders it is. We follow the shore along the stream, up in the hills, where a long abandoned railroad left its trail, and a tunnel between the trees.

Here, our kind host and guide tells us, many found an experience of transformation.

On a dark day in his life he decided for the first time to go inside.

With the courage of despair he had entered and faced inside this darkness that other darkness which at the time needed to be released. On the other side of the tunnel the light that welcomed him brought the beginning of the change to the better.

We are glad he 's willing to share the experience and I opt for walking first.

Beforehand it all sounded quite easy, just going inside the darkness alone without light and walking through, blindly, until the eyes capture a dim light from the other side.

Now in front of the big black hole amongst the green I doubt for a moment whether I really want to go in.

Threads of fog, hovering at the entrance, weave a mystical web. A chilly breeze greets me as if it where the breath of the earth.

One of the dogs accompanied me on my first steps towards the huge mouth that will swallow me in a moment, and for some time I have the impression the dog is still with me in the dark. I hear my own footsteps and feel this other presence right behind me. Later I learn the dog left me at the entrance already...

Once the darkness surrounds me completely and I should probably feel lost in the void, a deep calm sense of serene silence comes over me, a trust that whatever happens here, is supposed to be and is just perfect as it is. I wander in the timeless spaciousness, listening to my ever slower footsteps.

There is no hurry, no need anymore to get anywhere. While the feet calmly keep going I suddenly loose all intention to either stay or leave. Everything is just about now and now is exactly, perfectly well as it has to be.

Maybe due to a lack of external input, the sense of self dissolves into the black empty space and only a floating undefined feeling of wideness and joy vibrates on.

The first glimpse of light some time later doesn't seduce me to rush, I could just as well stay here, in this very moment for eternity, yet I keep moving.

Never thought the greens of the trees and the grasses, the gentle mos could look as vibrant and intense as they appear while I leave the tunnel. It rather seems, I'm watching the surroundings steadily passing by, then moving myself.

I enjoy the forest with a joy I haven't known so far- like a child looking at trees and clouds and pebbles for the first time ever. I keep walking and keep looking, perceiving without judgment, without naming, without wanting, only looking, smelling, listening, just sensing the stream of impressions calmly arising and taking course.

And I know that nothing ever will be the same, also know now that nothing ever has been the same before. It's freedom to ride on the stream of ever changing appearances without grasping or rejecting, I heard of that, I knew it, could have said these words any time, yet now the tunnel showed that truth in a way, so that I actually could see it too .

5] What is Home?

Back in the Netherlands, coming home from being home, not sure how and why I would deserve this. It must be a natural human kindness I didn't notice before that strongly. Now when I need it, there are friends to let me stay in their place, people offering shelter without expecting anything. I visit friends, I'm humbled and touched by all generosity, and I suspect I might know now, why in some lineages Buddhist monks are obliged to beg for their food- it's only when you depend on others in a way, that you get a chance to realize that, contrary to what the news might tell, human is in essence a very kind and giving being.

I have, for now, just to practice in gratitude to hopefully some day be able to give back.

6] Cow-dung is not Bullshit

Cycling in Germany is a challenge, most roads are forbidden for cyclists, they send you along long winding tracks and don't care to close a path without alternative.

After days of sweating under threatening thunderclouds, in heat, having my navigation gone with the broken phone, getting lost in unknown places, climbing hills without knowing where I am and how to get on, I arrive, days late again.

Now I work at the Schwäbische Alb, there's a small Village on top of a hill and I live here, take care of the garden and paint the portals, just paint, nothing artsy :) but besides being invited to feel at home and greatly being cared for, its my first real encounter with alternative building and painting materials what makes it extra special to be here.

The paint is the etching, burning, kind of chalk that was used for centuries here, but the main lesson is a little building project inside the large shed, a storage room made from clay and dry cow-dung.

I learn from mistakes and from what went well, getting an idea to – one day, some day, after the journeys – maybe build my own alternative home based on experiences and learning ahead.

7] The naked Truth

One more fragment, one I doubted if it was ok to tell, but decided that it should not matter if people think I'm weird, I'm a fifty years old guy giving up a comfortable stable life to cycle around and work without predictable income, not even a pension-plan. I AM weird probably and as long as no one gets hurt I'm free to be as strange as I choose to be.

It's the evening of a hard and hot day, the sun burned my skin dark red and any sweat from cycling uphill dried quickly without cooling me off. I finally find a great spot to spend the night, near a small town or village, but out in the green, well hidden and comfortable.

Before I rest I need to refill my water-supplies and rehydrate myself, also the new used phone I was lucky to receive, does act up, the batteries run quickly, didn't recharge anymore and I want to give it one more try.

It's good as well, to check the vibes of the area, to know the territory and get familiar with the place.

So instead of getting ready for the night I enter the place for a drink and general recharging in the local pizzeria. I'm the only customer inside. The friendly owner refills the bottles and tries to help me with the phone. After a tough day through the hills in merciless heat I enjoy talking to someone before I get back out into the fields. Yet when I tell about the travels and my new life, he offers me to seek shelter at the small terrace next to the house where the guests sit in daytime. It's right at the fairly busy street, surrounded by houses and I'd like my first shelter more, but there are two good reasons to gratefully except the offer- one, it is an act of kindness and that counts more then comfort, two, I slept in fields and woods, in trailers, tents and under bridges, but never in the open air in the middle of a town.

So I set up my shelter, sleeping bag as isolation and the raintarp as cover on one side tied to the fence, the other attached to the bicycle.

A thin tarp provides the illusion of privacy and I lay down in the noise of passing cars and voices on the street.

Now the overheated body starts boiling and burning, however I move or turn, a layer of inescapable

fire keeps me awake. Everything I wear sticks to the skin. Half asleep and half in fever I guess, I remove it all.

A gentle nightly breeze cools me off and sings me to sleep. While I see the stars through the fence it occurs to me, that whoever would find me here, would think I was drunk or crazy. Laying there amongst all cozy houses, bare and naked, not showered for days, hair and beard growing wildly I have finally become a drifter.

And then the image comes before my minds eye, of me laying there, bare of any sign of social status or role, looking like an abandoned corpse, but there is no shame, no fear, only deep calm peace and freedom.

That takes me back into the tunnel. It's the same sense of serenity, nothing to achieve, nothing to loose, nothing to be done, only being.

I will loose this peace of mind again on several occasions, when the wind stands against me, when I loose direction, when I set up goals, but there are more and more times of this deep relaxing equanimity, the acceptance of whatever might be.

[generousbouquetchopshop-us-blog]

The only thing that we know for certain in life is that all of you reading this right now and myself will DIE. (NOT tonight - I just mean at some point in our lives - this is NOT a terrorist attack - believe me, I do NOT have malicious or evil intentions - well in my opinion at least, but sometimes our perception of ourselves differs to how others perceive us - but does that really matter? All I care about is what I think about myself) Wait, Hang On I Lied. There's one more certainty in life. That you and I are human beings. (Well, I do hope so. After all, I only know who I am. And only you know who you are) Yes I tried my best to think of an engaging first liner to grab your attention. (And if you're still reading this now - it must have worked!) I was just worried with all the 'clutter' and 'competition' out there that you could potentially miss this. And yes that's also why I have the photo of a cute baby. And also because we were all once babies at some point in our lives (well unless you came out another way which is not a certain opening in a female body) And before you amazing security officers out there, Who work super hard to protect your citizens, Even on the weekend (which is meant for rest with family) (and shout out to everyone in Australia who still worked today on Mother's Day -your sacrifice of your treasured time which could have been spent with your Mother (the technical economic term is opportunity cost - in case you were wondering - yes I know you all are secretly nerds) Will never be forgotten) Ok so back to you security officers Think of shutting this down, I assure you that this is NOT a security threat. It is NOT an act of cyber terrorism. 'So what is it then?' - you find yourself thinking (Yes I am a mind reader) Today marks a turning point in the course of mankind. Today marks a day that hope is restored in the world. What you are seeing today will be written in history books for future generations to come. We will make it in a Guinness World Record Book for 1. The most number of people clicking going on a facebook event 2. The most number of people posting on a facebook event page 3. The most number of people sharing the same message across social media I know what you're thinking. Well this girl sounds 'ambitious' Which were common responses I got Well yes, This is 'ambitious' I think so too But 'ambitious' and 'reality' are NOT mutually exclusive (is this the right term? I always struggled with probability in maths) But it's going to happen - keep reading on if you would like to see how history is going to be made :) (But technically, history is being 'made' every single day by each and every one of us just be being alive - even going to the toilet and eliminating waste is technically 'making' history) Every single person in the world will eventually receive my message. (And news outlets out there! Please choose a decent photo of me [ie. not one where my armpit hair is showing] Actually, I don't mind if you can find a photo of me with armpit hair. (Yes - that's a challenge!) (We all have hair - I don't see what's the big deal) (Why would you want to see a photo of me with armpit hair when you can just strip yourself down [yes I put this in just for you - you know who you are xD] and just lift up your arm and VOILA!!! Hair before your very eyes!!!!! ) (I'm actually super hairy In my opinion For a girl) Also, I'm going to keep on ranting about this (again, PMS is a real thing for the female population - have sympathy for us fellas!) Another thing I do not understand is why we must wear clothes And in some places in the world, Such as Australia, We can actually get charged with a criminal offence (and maybe be put in gaol) For stripping down in certain public places (with some exceptions such as nude beaches which are mainly filled with elderly people right now - I reckon we can diversify that a little) And showing our 'private parts' (but are our 'private parts' really even that 'private' after all if we all have them? (well I know it differs between females and males)) but yeah - and some of us have unique bodies - either born naturally or through operations - I respect that - it's your life and you choose how you would like to live it - and which gender you would like to live as and which private parts you would like to have) And in some places like Australia, Myth has it that the bigger something (something in a similar shape to a sausage) is The more masculine a male is Well to me, that's absolutely bullshit I don't know how these 'myths' even originated! All sizes are beautiful to me! Ok, so back to me and armpit hair: I filled in one of my friends' survey about hair and shaving yesterday. Why is shaving a thing anyways? We all have hair on our bodies (well some more than others but we all do) Why is it often socially unacceptable for girls have to have cleanly shaven armpits when they wear sleeveless tops or dresses? And why is often socially acceptable for males to not shave?? Now that is gender discrimination to the max! Why is this NOT written in the Discrimination Act in Australia?? (or maybe it is - I have to admit I haven't read it - and I highly doubt that my fellow Australian peers have either - but apologies! If it is in there!) And on that note of Discrimination, It is so real And close It still happens today in the 21st century!!! Right here in Australia This week, I had the privilege of talking to a beautiful Indigenous lady I've always been curious of Indigenous Australian culture (do you know that Indigenous Australian culture is the oldest surviving culture in the entire world???) WOW Because I certainly didn't know this. If Australia was a person And let's just say I was that person for theoretical purposes I would go around showing that off I would tell everyone I would tell the entire world I would be super proud of that I would make sure the entire world knows (but why doesn't the entire world know?- well maybe it's only me who is oblivious and ignorant and unaware - and maybe all of you do know this - please correct me if I'm wrong) Ok, so yeah. This beautiful Indigenous lady (and I do remember your name - I just want to make sure I respect your privacy before I decide to put your name here for the world to see because there's no way that I have been able to contact you) Said her dream was to become a cook (yes you go girl!) And she applied for a cook job recently. She was called in for an interview. But as soon as she showed up, They told her the position had been filled Now if that isn't discrimination to the max, I don't know what you call that I was super angry when I heard this. Now those of you who know me know that I don't normally get angry It takes quite a bit to get Leeann angry (I give off the impression of being a calm, controlled, sweet, pure and innocent girl) If I was present at the time, I would've taken those café owner(s) to court. And sue you for breaching the Discrimination Act Because the legislation is real and it is properly enforced (well I don't work in the legal field so I actually wouldn't know) But nothing in the world (I believe) cannot be resolved with Honest and open Communication. Just by opening our mouths and making some sounds (I think that's what we call a language), Together, we can solve any problem And we must learn to be accountable And take responsibility for our own actions Like a girl (why do we tend to say man? Are we trying to imply that females are less brave than men? My fellow female population Let's band together and prove them wrong -Trust me boys, you never mess with girls, We will make sure You Rue For The Rest Of Your Life Until The Moment You Die :) [just kidding XD- no I'm not kidding here] Yes, we must take responsibility for our own actions like a girl (I remember seeing a campaign trying to challenge gender stereotypes a couple of years back - that was awesome! I forgot what it was called though but I do remember it so it means it was effective) And I will illustrate this with something we all do -fart. Why do we feel the need to suppress our urges to fart? If you stink up a room with your own smelly gas, Then at least do it proudly! Make it as loud as possible! And admit it was you! And apologise maybe! OR, if that's too scary for you, I have another suggestion which has largely been inspired by one of my close mates (who I'm sure would probably appreciate it if I don't name and shame them - your very welcome in advance =D) This is no magic but You simply tell the person you're talking to or the people around you that you need to fart And head outside To do the deed. Then walk back in. And continue with your life. Easy. See, life isn't at all that complicated is it? (I know! I'm a genius!!!) Prior to my launch tonight, I shared my initiative 'Die To Live' with some fellow peers. I had many people who doubted me. But I also had many people who had absolute faith. Now, I don't blame those of you who I spoke to and doubted me. If someone told me that at Sunday 9pm on the 13th of May, 2018, Hope will be restored in the world, That the world will be changed And that it will be a major event in history, I will look at them And think they're nuts! (And no, in case you were wondering, I don't mean the pecan nut, macadamia nut, or peanut) And some of these people also looked like they wanted to lock me up in a mental health hospital. But what does it even mean to be 'mentally ill?' Am I considered 'crazy' just because I have different opinions that nobody else seems to have? Does that make me 'mentally ill?' (Correct me if I'm wrong, but in my humble opinion, that just means I'm a human being) While we're on the topic of 'mental illness,' Check out the School of Life and one of their recent videos Called something along the lines of - why the modern society makes us mentally ill I watched it over breakfast yesterday and could not agree more (i promise that this is not paid advertising/product placement or whatever we choose to call it) Because it's so good that I voluntarily choose to 'advertise' for them The School of Life does not need any paid marketing (yes you girls are awesome!) But at the same time, Yes, I get you. I wouldn't believe it either Until I see it unfold Before my very eyes Myself. But I certainty would not lock someone with different thoughts to mine in a mental health hospital, away from the rest of society. I would simply respect their opinion, try to understand and empathise from their point of view and then move on with my life. And I also had one special 'case.' You know who you are. You're the person I bumped into and didn't think I was 'insane' but instead thought I was plotting to commit suicide at 9pm Sunday May 13th and then upload 13 videos onto Facebook with each video incriminating a different person who lead me to end my life. -Just like the TV series - 13 reasons why Oh you funny!! (but I'm even funnier xD) But you had faith in me and that's all that matters :D Life is NOT a Television series!!! (For those of you who don't know what a TV is - it is essentially a virtual reality -trust me though, it's nothing special - and you're not missing out - because you're living your own reality instead - and I believe that is infinite times cooler than watching someone else's) But what I don't understand is why some of you who doubted me had absolute faith in science. (I'm not throwing shade here [or am I? - well too bad too sad because you'll never know what goes through my mind] but Shout out to that person I had an extremely heated intense friendly 2 hour banter sesh about science and religion a couple of days ago) Those words you used cut me But I forgive you Because I know you didn't mean it Because, in my humble opinion, science is a belief system in itself based off faith. For example, most of us in today's era believe that the Earth is round. And this is 'proven' to us through science. But until I personally travel up into space and view the Earth from a distance with my own very eyes, I refuse to believe this as an absolute 'truth.' (but even then, I may not even trust my own eyes - they could be lying to me - I could just be hallucinating) We often like to think we are 100% certain of many things in our everyday lives. Perhaps uncertainty makes us feel uneasy. In my opinion, we dislike uncertainty. Which is why we try to structure our lives and lock ourselves in some kind of routine to try and eliminate uncertainty (but this is simply NOT possible in my opinion - the only certainty in life is death - but even that's not even certain) Who said we should eat 3 meals a day - Breakfast Lunch And Dinner (for those of you who don't know what I'm rambling on about - because I'm aware you may or may not have ever eaten a proper meal (yet) - they're just names some of us use to tell ourselves when we should eat) Wouldn't hunger be a better indicator of when to eat instead of locked in time periods? And who said that we should aim for 5 serves of vegetables and 2 serves of fruit per day or something along those lines? (Yes it's a rhetorical question - I know who - 'official' nutritional guidelines or something I think) Because for me, if I know that the only certainty in life is death I would rather eat what I want to eat If I enjoy the taste of it But at the same time, it is all about the 'balance' (as Katherine Du likes to say) (there will be more on food and eating in the second part of my 'story' -I'm not going to tell you all of it now -just to make sure you keep reading heeeheheheee) And who decided that humans should sleep once a day? And it has to be at nighttime? And who came up with the guidelines that children need about 9-10 hours of sleep per night And that adults need about 6-8 hours per night? (Yes I know - it is scientifically 'proven' - but how did you scientists come up with these numbers? In saying this, I have the most utmost respect for you scientists -I'm just curious -it's hard work working in labs -I have some mates studying science/medicine and they tell me about their 4 hour lab sessions When I heard this, I was angry Because That's torture! Abuse of human rights!! Because I get hungry every 2-3 hours!!!) Wouldn't sleepiness and fatigue be more appropriate signals of when to sleep? Mum, I know you will read this. I did tell you that your friend's daughters will probably read my 'story' first Then tell their parents Then they will call you up And tell you to read this. (I wasn't at all wrong about that was I?) I have to main things I would like to say to you mummy: 1. Happy mother's day! 2. I love you Remember two nights ago when I got home and slept at 7pm Without eating dinner? And you were upset the next morning that I didn't eat your food? I apologise again if I hurt you, But I feel like it was not that necessary to 'lash out at me' when I asked (just innocently out of curiosity): Who decided that humans should eat 3 meals a day? OK so back to the science and religion 'friendly banter' I had Once again, the only certainty in life is death. (and I will repeat this numerous times throughout my 'story' just to annoy you - <3 - I challenge you to count how many times I mention that - and maybe there will be a prize for the person who gets the right number or gets closest to the right number! - just like those jelly bean in a jar guessing competitions! - just kidding - I'm not serious on this one - I can't be bothered to count myself - I have bigger fish to fry ;)) People thousands of years back were 100% certain that the Earth was flat. But they were somehow 'proven' to be 'wrong'. Now we (or just me) are 100% certain that the Earth is round. So in my humble opinion, we can only 'disprove' things but never 'prove' things. We merely get less 'wrong' each time round (Manson, 2016) But we are never 100% 'right.' Anything is possible. (Well maybe besides eternal life beyond Earth - but even that is not 100% impossible) So, an anonymous person who wishes not to be named recently brought to my attention how Fast the world is changing around us. For example, Facebook was invented in 2004 - it's only been 14 years - but I seem to hardly remember any parts of my life without Facebook in it) Wikipedia was launched in 2001 (and I didn't get this one from Wikipedia) (I don't know how I wouldn't 'survived' all those assignments without you! Thank you Jimmy Wales and Larry Sanger! And bless all you other inventors out there who invented something useful to humanity! Again, bless you all who believed me without needing to see it happen. You know who you are. I will never forget how you made me feel. There is nothing that fuels the human spirit like faith. (unless it's more alcohol) Complete And Utter Faith. Even my mother who raised me for 19 years and whom I crawled out of her (something - let's just say body) Doubted me. Yet some of you had utter and complete faith in me within minutes of talking to you for the very first time. And I reiterate again (mum, I'm not throwing shade at you here) If I had a daughter and she told me she's on a quest to change the world this Sunday at 9pm on Mother's Day, I (I don't know what I would do but I would probably not believe her) So….back to how Every single person in the world will eventually receive my message. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'read' because I am also aware that language translation will be needed. TIP: Try copy and pasting this into google translate! (man technology does wonders!!!) And also because not all of us are blessed to be taught how to read. As to why I chose to use English, It's because it just happens to be the language I'm most fluent in. And also because, for some reason, English also happens to be the 'universal' language used across the world. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'see' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to see. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'listen' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to hear. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'smell' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to smell. (this doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm saying today because in my humble opinion, I don't think we can smell a story??? - well feel free to prove me wrong - nothing is certain in life besides death. TBH (to be honest), I just wanted repetition for a couple of lines because I learnt in high school English, that it will help deliver my message across) And I also say 'eventually' because not everyone in the world as it currently stands has even seen what 'technology' looks like, let alone have access to social media. That’s why I'm relying on YOU all to translate my message and communicate it to these fellow peers. I'm just one person. And I need your help. I can't do this alone (but I will if I have to -but ideally not!) So you find yourself still thinking…. 'Ok, I still have no idea what this post is about.' (Yes I am actually a mind reader) Apologies! I'm only human and I'm flawed and I do occasionally get just a little side-tracked and distracted. You're life has value. You were born for a reason. And I will prove it to you. (Yes - I remember whispering this in one beautiful human's ear a couple of days ago. This beautiful human was so selfless and looked out for me when I was not in the best state of self (this hero walked into the female toilets since I was chundering and got kicked out of security guards as a result) (this hero was prepared to take me home on a 1.5 bus ride at like 11pm at night towards a direction which was completely opposite to where he/she lived) (and this hero probably got some of my churned up mix of food and alcohol on them too - soz) (and I apologise again for that other beautiful human who I chundered on their hand -soz not soz - HAHAHA -I do mean it when I say that (now you're probably wondering which part I'm referring to [well you'll never know! Heheee - <3] ) And thank you to you too! You know who you are! I love our long-as text message chats! And that card you wrote me for my 18th last year -those words really touched me Even though we meet up like once (ok I may be using hyperbole here - I'll say twice) a year, You mean the world to me To me, friendships and relationships in general are much more than hanging out in real life, To me, friendships and relationships are more about having that emotional/spiritual connection with another human being To me, friendships and relationships are not defined by physical presence (although I do believe hanging out in real life is nice too - but life sometimes takes us in different directions - and that is not always possible) You may love another person dearly, but that doesn't mean you necessarily have to be together with a physical presence. 'True' love, in my opinion, is when you genuinely want the best for the other person And being genuinely happy to see them happy Yes that night at Metro Theatre in the city, I got kicked out by security guards within 30 minutes of going inside for a combined university event. I think (and you never trust a drunk person's memory) I had about 11 shots of straight vodka that night (looking back, that was not the best idea) Those security guards who kicked us out were not the nicest people. I know that Deep Deep Deep Deep Deep Down That you guys are beautiful people - just please bring it to the surface and show it to the world You could've been a lot more nicer. After I got kicked out and as I was walking towards Maccas (yas I love you maccas - happy meals were my childhood - why are soft serves $0.75 now? They used to only be $0.30! Inflation is a real thing! That's why I love economics! - I'm expecting a massive surge in economics students both at high school and university heheehee - economics teachers and lecturers - you are very welcome XD) In my drunken and semi-conscious state, I remember vaguely rambling on saying things like Why are people like this? Why are people so mean? Why is the world like this? And probably also crying my chunder out at the same time I was always that good straight A studious nerdy student who always did my homework on time and listened to the teacher in class. I waited till I was 18 until I had my first legal drink. (well I did occasionally have some sips of wine at home over dinner but nothing substantial until I turned 18 -unlike most Asian dads, My dad encouraged me to drink at home - he was more than happy! - you're cool dad xD - just wanted to let you know that) I was at a university first years camp when I had my first drink. I remember feeling sad because the alcohol was way too diluted -and I was too 'heavy-weight' -and I couldn't physically drink that much fluid to feel drunk because I was too full Looking back, I was probably drunk and was probably on the verge of my limit But I didn't know because I've never felt what it was like to be 'drunk' Then about a month and a half later, I went to one of my mate's surprise 18th I wanted to 'test' my 'limit' I drank as many different types of alcohol I could get my hands on Rum Vodka Soju Gin White wine Red wine Whiskey Tequila You Name It (well probs besides Maotai which is $$$$ - and we were all young dumb and broke uni students - yes Khalid I love you) And you can probably guess How my night turned out My face was in the bathroom sink for about 3 hours (well it felt like 10 minutes to me but I've realised my perception is super distorted while under the influence) Thank you to those who accompanied me for the entirety or a part of those 3 hours - I'm sure it didn't make it onto the best nights of your life list I remember feeling so ashamed after. I could not stop thinking about it for at least 3 weeks. My reputation! Like most people who chunder for the first time, I vowed that It Wouldn't Happen Again. (deep inside I knew it would because I just wasn't happy and I knew I would turn to more alcohol to distract myself from that constant emptiness but I didn't see another alternative back then) But my brother and mates weren't at all that 'wrong' when they said something along the lines of That's what they all say. Within a couple of weeks (or months - if that detail matters), I Unsurprisingly Chundered Again. And then I repeated what I said previously. And I got the same responses as I did before (kind of like déjà vu) And then the cycle kept repeating itself so many times that I lost count of how many times I chundered Because I stopped caring My 'reputation' was damaged beyond repair anyways And I was happy with the new me (the person who started to care less about what others thought of me) I was always that super good girl who was sweet, nice and 'innocent' (whatever that means) But what does it even mean to be 'innocent?' What's the definition? A lot of my friends had often commented that when they first met me I seemed like an innocent girl then they realised they were 'wrong' like super 'wrong' - completely off Does the fact that I love alcohol And the fact that I've chundered more times than I remember And the fact that I like to squeal at high pitches to the point it may cause long term ear damage (apologies to those people who I have damaged your hearing permanently) And the fact that I really enjoy raves And love waking up to hardstyle music every morning And chucking a phat (someone please explain to me why it's spelt with a 'ph' - I tried googling but I never found an answer - I guess you can't find all the answers to life's problems on google) Muzz To start my day Make me any less 'innocent'? OK so back to that night I got kicked out of Metro Theatre. It was that night when I realised you beautiful humans had my back. And I will forever have yours too. You are all beautiful. And I still remember that night like it was tonight. And I will never forget it. It is around 9pm here where I am in Sydney, Australia right now. There are approximately 7.6 billion people in this world (rounded to 1 decimal place and 2 significant figures - or 'sig figs' - I'm not talking about the dried fruit here) (according to the World Population Clock at 12:18pm yesterday - Sydney time) I may just be one girl. But one girl can change the world. If you don't believe me, I will prove it to you. (200% guarantee Just take a screenshot of this message When you visit me in gaol/jail [depending on where you live in the world] Effective for one year within today HAHAHA in case you haven't realised already, I'm only kidding) Why must we rely on legal systems and laws to protect ourselves from lies? Why can't we rely on trust instead? I realise that it's probably impractical to scrap our legal systems together -but I do reckon mixing a bit of 'trust' into the mixture won't hurt And I am aware that I live in a hole (not literally) I have lived in Sydney, Australia for most of my life Which I know is not representative of the entire world. Some of the things I talk about may make absolutely no sense to you. But I only humbly ask that you take a moment to understand what some of your fellow peers on the other side of the globe go through on a daily basis or have experienced Even if it is super foreign to you. (If you check up on the news on a regular basis, This should be no different I guess But probs maybe just a bit more 'spicy' and realistic) I'm sure you would like to same favour (or should I say flavour HAHHAH - gosh I'm so funny!) to be returned to you. Can I count on you guys (and the entire female population - I don't know why it's normal to say 'guys' for both genders) to have a read of what I have to say first And try not to act on any prejudice or judgement Before you decide to shut it down? Yeah, sorry, I got a little side-tracked again So… The only thing that we know for certain in life is that all of you reading this right now and myself will DIE. So what is the point of staying alive now if it's all going to come to an end? Why are we living to die instead of dying to live? All of us have a mother. (assuming you are all humans like me and started with 'something' that happened between a male and female) I love my mum. Without my mum I wouldn't be here tonight. Without my mum I wouldn't have the opportunity to connect with you tonight. Without my mum you wouldn't be reading this tonight. In Sydney, Australia, Today is Mother's Day. And it's no coincidence that I've chosen this day to connect with you. This is because today we show our appreciation for the beautiful and incredible woman who brought us into this world, whether she is here with you or not today. Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who sucked up the discomfort of having a massive bulge sticking out of her belly for 9 months. Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who suffered physical pain and bleed from childbirth. I don't think there can be any other pain greater than the pain of childbirth (well I haven't given birth so I guess I'm not qualified to say so) (Yes the cute baby photo was specifically chosen to capture your attention) Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who blessed us with a life full of opportunity. Mother's Day is today, in Australia. Why are we on social media? And I am no hypocrite here. Why am I myself on social media tonight? Why have we felt the need to create a 'Day' for all our 'Mothers' out there? Is it because, without a 'Mother's Day,' we will forget to love our 'Mothers'? Shouldn't our mothers be appreciated every single day? (Same for all the 'Father's' out there!!! I love you Dad) In the past, all I did for Mother's Day was go to the shops and buy a box of chocolates or some flowers or whatever was on "Mother's Day Sale." But I've realised there are many things that Money Cannot Buy. (feel free to prove me wrong here) There are many things that cannot be Bought And Sold Based on demand and supply on a Market (Yes I love economics!!!) Love. Time. Purpose. Faith. Hope. Life. The List Goes On And On . . . In my humble opinion, I feel like some meaningful celebrations have been overly commercialised in some 'developed' countries. I feel like Christmas Day is more about buying presents and decorating the Christmas tree. I feel like Easter Day is about eating chocolate shaped in an oval egg shape (or bunny or whatever fancy shape chocolate is moulded into to make it more appealing to buy and eat and make it seem different but at the end of the day it's just chocolate - well maybe different in the sense that it has differing percentages of cocoa content - I'm personally a big fan of dark chocolate! - I reckon 70% is just 'perfect' - well just 'right' - because nothing is 'perfect' but also nothing is 'right' - so yeah, I just contradicted what I just said). I feel like ANZAC Day is more about eating ANZAC cookies and buying things with the Australian flag printed on it. And I feel like Chinese New Year is more about receiving free money from relatives (as long as you are unmarried). Now, I'm not suggesting that you should all divorce or remain single for life and go become Chinese. I'm just telling you about my 'blood nationality' and our culture. Also, while we're on the topic of marriage, I am not at all against marriage (I think marriage is wonderful and Western white wedding dresses are super beautiful on brides), in my humble opinion, I don't really understand the point of marriage? To me, Love is about remaining loyal both physically and emotionally to another human of our own choosing (in my opinion, regardless of gender). Personally, I don't see the need to have my 'love' with another human solidified by the legal system under a notion called 'marriage.' I believe if we truly 'love' another person, We should be able to trust them to remain loyal (both emotionally and physically) to us without protection under the legal system And live together happily ever after (Yes I'm a big dreamer and lover of Disney and I believe in happily ever after fairytale endings with my Prince HEEEHEHEE) And, while we're on the topic of Princes and Princesses and fairytale endings, (I know we all love a good romance on such a dark, romantic night here in Australia and most stories told through mediums such as books and movies tend to have at least a touch of love in them And some have a bigger focus than others *Cough* *Cough* Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet) One of my favourite TV shows (back in the day I still used to watch TV) was the Bachelor/Bachelorette <3 But now I prefer to live in my own reality TV show instead of watching another's on an electronic screen To my Prince out there, (yes you know who you are) Who wishes not to be named (and shamed - hahah just kidding - Well, hopefully you don't find what I'm about to say to be too embarrassing) The way I fundamentally feel towards you has not changed one bit And I'm not talking about hate here (jokes! I lied! I actually feel even stronger towards you now <3) And gosh, No other human on Earth has ever made me cry as many times as you have. No one can compete with how many rivers on Earth I've filled with my salty tears. (everyone else reading this, please don't try to break the Guinness World Record here - I reckon I've had my fair share of tears and breakdowns) And I meant it when I said nobody has ever made me feel this way. (or something like I've never felt this way towards somebody - or the other way around - well I guess that's not important) (and well I guess it does make sense that everybody feels differently towards each person because they're different people) -that paragraph was very coherent - I know I've already told you this directly but repetition surely doesn't hurt! Thank you for always considering what is best for me in everything you've done. (Well I hope that's what you've been doing - only you know what's going inside that interesting head of yours) Thank you for teaching me the importance of honest and open communication. I would never forget that night when you asked me out in the most romantic location one could possibly think of. (Solid memz) (And great place IF we have any future anniversaries) Thank you for all the 'fun' experiences we've shared together (Yes you know which one I'm referring to in particular ;)) I hope we have many more nights just like that (well maybe just a bit more) You're a Tim Tam Because You're Simply Irresistible And you know which Guinness World Record of mine (or personal best) I would like to break ;) (please don't go finding another planet to live on to get away from me) And I love how we always go 'hunting' for the same places when we're out and about in public ;))))) I also would like to say that I miss you. A lot. <3 (AWWWWW) And I've been thinking about you A lot. (AWWWW) And Just like how I've previously never envisioned a life without a uni degree till this Monday, I've never been able to envision a life without you in it (and I probably won't be able to - but nothing is certain besides death - so I could be wrong I guess) I was never quite a full believer in soul mates Until I met you There was always a 'mystical' feeling I felt around you. I never understood what it was Until now I thought it was just 'lust' Or you were just secretly a 'fuckboi' (whatever that means) But I realised it was much more than that. OK, that's the last (massive) chunk of cheese I'm feeding you guys (for tonight). And I'm sure the rest of you have eaten enough cheese for the day. And I don't want to make you puke tonight. Because that's not my job -That's the job of your significant other <3 I don't know what you were expecting when I messaged you yesterday asking for your permission to have your first name in my 'story.' Well, since you said no, I assume you probably weren't expecting this. (man I had some great jokes I wanted to crack with your first name - GRRRRR) But again, as I have already told you, In this life, If we would like to have a nice and healthy relationship, We must accept the fact that we have the right to both reject and be rejected by others. And others hurt us but we also hurt others. That's just part of life. So, I respect your decision. I had to get that off my chest. Because now, When I'm on my deathbed, I don't have to be wondering what could've been had I chosen to tell you. Instead, When I'm on my deathbed, I can spend my last hours reflecting on what a wonderful life it's been Surrounded by my family and closest friends. Now, I've done everything I possibly could within my control. Now, it's all on you now. And please respect how it's a private matter between us two from now on. Your own love lives are much more interesting than mine. Trust me. Why would you want to see how someone else's story ends (or starts) when you can be writing your own 'story?' So go out there and tell that person you've been wanting to tell how you feel how you've felt all along! Be a girl! Growing up, it was always drilled into me that guys should be the ones chasing girls and girls should not chase guys. And that girls should play 'hard to get' Wouldn't life be so much simpler if you start feeling like you like someone, To say something along the lines of: "Hey. I like you. Do you feel the same way?" Then it can either only go one or two ways (Well we all hope it goes one particular way) And then you can move on happily with life and find someone else who also feels the same way and live happily ever after (well unless you're super unlucky and get a fence sitter And apologies, if that's the case, I don't have any further advice for you - you're on your own then xD) I used to think that expressing my emotions was a sign of weakness. I was 'wrong' (whatever it means to be 'wrong' or 'right') But I've realised it actually takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you feel hurt by something they've done. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you love them. But, in my opinion, by telling others how we feel, It actually liberates us. It allows us to make amends Instead of letting resentment build And then exploding later Like our own internal Big Bang Because in my Theory (I guess you can call it the Big Bang Theory), believe me, in my experience, I have exploded many times (not literally) By letting my resentment build (under the influence [heavy] of alcohol) If you don't believe me, Believe Bronnie Ware!! For those of you who don't know Bronnie, She worked as a palliative nurse for 8 years looking after people in their final days alive. And she writes in her book "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying," That one of the top 5 regrets she heard from people with limited time on Earth was that they wished they had the courage to express their own emotions. I used to put on a face and act like something that really hurt me didn't affect me at all. I don't understand why I aspired to be a 'psychopath.' Because a key characteristic of a 'psychopath' is that they feel no emotions. Our ability to feel emotions, whether that be: Happiness Disappointment Joy Anger Resentment Love Is what makes us human. Why do we attempt to 'dehumanise' ourselves? So back to marriage…. Again, I am not against marriage. Well, even if I am, why should you care? It's your life and you choose and how you would like to live it. And believe me, in my humble opinion, life is too short for you to spend a couple of minutes writing a nasty comment trying to convince me of the importance of marriage. (Well if you decide to do so, I'm absolutely honoured! because it means I'm super important to you because you care a lot about what I think) But for me personally, I would just like to wear a nice white pretty long wedding dress for fun and take some photos around my closest family and friends Anyways, got a little side tracked again. Back to the topic: I know that many of us struggle or have struggled to find meaning in life. I'm one of them. And I'll be sharing my story with you. I know if I don't wake up tomorrow, I can Rest In Peace. Apologies, if I have generalised or made false assumptions in parts of my 'story' by using words like "We." I know that there is no other certainty besides death. But sometimes, it is 'easier' to do so to illustrate a point I'm trying to make. I hope you understand. If you don't like what I have to say, you can either (Mark Manson): 1. Do nothing OR 2. Do something I value all opinions and perspectives. I only ask that you do so in a courteous and respectful manner. Growing up, my dad was always the logical one and less of a 'dreamer' than I was. I tried having D&M (Deep and Meaningful conversations) with my Dad but they never turned out the way I hoped. 'Dad, what do you think the meaning of life is?' 'There's no meaning. You live. You die. That's it.' Wow! So optimistic Dad!! I love you Dad! Growing up, you also 'tried' (and I use the word 'tried' because you weren't that successful in doing so) to drill into me that it was a waste of time and energy to 'care too much' about the world Because you said there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to accept life the way it is. Well, back to Mark Manson's two options, You can probably guess which path I decided to take (and it wasn't to accept it I Refuse to accept the world as it is) To all my fellow peers out there, If I have offended you, please let me know. I am not perfect. I don't try to be perfect. And I don't need to be perfect. And as much effort as I've put it and how hard I've tried to minimise resentment and offense, (Just like how I'm trying to be at the minimum point on the parabola And at the maximum point on the parabola with my impact) I'm only human. And so are you. And to further illustrate my point that nothing in this world is 'perfect' (apologies if this sounds like an essay), My 'story' is not fully edited. I've ran through it once - made some changes and this is what you're reading now. There are errors. There are bits repeated. There are bits that make no sense whatsoever. This is to further highlight my belief that nothing in the world is 'perfect' (or the real reason could just be that I'm lazy and cbbs editing it) LOL DISCLAIMER: I do not accept any legal responsibility for any tears shed Or any laughs shared Or any puke vomited from cheese overload in the process of reading my 'story.' (Oh and in case you haven't realised already It's also R rated And if you don't know what that means Adults only!! - just kidding, anyone can read my 'story') I reckon that our mental state would be a better measure of our 'real age' Because our age is just a 1, 2 (or 3) (or 4) (or more) digit number which doesn't indicate anything about our 'maturity' level (whatever that means) nor our 'wisdom' (whatever that means) You are reading at your own risk. Remember It's YOUR own life. And YOU choose how to live it. (Please show appreciation for the fact that I've been nice and have made this disclaimer at a font size that you can actually see) [Tip: Get a box of tissues ready (don’t worry if you don’t know what tissues are - they just help absorb our tears) You can live without them! Actually we can live without a lot of things If my house was on fire, i know what i would choose to take - nothing at all - nothing but myself and my family - I slept in a room with nothing [not literally] but a mattress laid on top of the carpet on the floor with a blanket, pillow, oxygen, walls, life and I was clothed too] And in case you were wondering, I didn't choose to do that for fun. My house was under renovations for a couple of weeks (we repainted the entire house and changed the entire carpet) And during those two weeks, I felt like I was 'homeless' I can't imagine what it's like to actually be sleeping out in the open on the streets Or being a refugee I felt like I was being kicked out of my own dwelling and I didn't belong - I felt lost and very uncomfortable OK, so here's my 'story'. https://leeannchn.wixsite.com/dietolive/single-post/2018/05/13/Lets-Not-Live-To-Die-but-Die-To-Live