#I reallllllyyy wanna do commissions

[puthyjuth]

woke up in the middle of the night well 4:18 early morning idk u choose and physically couldn't go back to sleep bc i started thinking abt my good friendship

since my second yr of college (im a 4th yr now) i've been reallllllyyy close friends w this person, and right now i feel this pressure to perform in front of her and i don't wanna feel like that w my friends. we don't hang out that often but occasionally text to catch up and consider each other close–she recently commissioned me for a tattoo–but honestly speaking idk the last time i didn't feel pressure speaking to her, maybe bc she has such a strong presence and aura i get scared to mess up? or our dynamic just started off that way bc i used to be such an insecure mess when we met?

i asked three close friends about their thoughts on what to do and two of them said i should say that but the thing is if i'm asked to reason why i feel the need to perform i feel like i'm attacking who they are or want to change who they are and i don't wanna do that either? Bc the reason why is because they're so critical, ofc of themselves but others as well and prob bc we are close she shares it w me and i can't help but feel like i'm walking on eggshells w her at times

it's not like i wanna completely cut them off but i also don't wanna lie by omission and feel this way when i hang out w them. from what i see i can either tell them and try to genuinely improve our relationship or just take a break from seeing them for long times- well i plan to kind of seclude myself a little from everyone for a bit bc i want to work on certain things about myself regardless- and see how i feel when i come back to. maybe the dynamic will change. if not, i do feel like i should tell her.