#I only wish his dad had been concious when he said it

[starnightlover]

Hello star, can I confide in you please , I am in need of advice and reassurance

I just raed a post of yours ir was an ask from someone several weeks back. This person talks about struggling to improve their sc and how their siblings are treated better and they are treated like shit. I think they also said they would never wish that on their siblings and how everywhere they go they are ignored and stuff. And I resonate so much with this that I hate to even admit

I know I am the creator and I know about loa and stuff still my sc is bad. I totally get their pain when they said about being treated worse than others. I know how shitty it feels. I will tell you about yesterday we went to a party and met other family members abd all that and again my sister went along with my other cousins and I am awkward and nervous coz its always been this way. If I try ti say something everyone acts like it was stupid or just ignores. Then one of (my cousins husband came along saying to my sister "she us my fav sis in law" and introducing her to everyone around calling her his fav. I know its such petty and stupid things to even think about but I felt really bad I was right there. My mom always sides with her and talks oo me like shit a lot if times.

I remember once 2 or 3 years back I was sitting on my couch and I said my skin looks so dull and then my dad said out of nowhere stop being jealous and youll be fine { he meant it pointing towards my sister as if I was jealous of her and he said in a way more mean and rude tone. Idk how to express that feeling but I was so shocked as it was so random. Back then I had none of these problems. I didnt even care if anyone treated my sister better than or shit like that. I was fine in my sc and had fun wherever I would go and life was so much better. My parents were the only ones who would compare me to my sister and say look at her does she ever demand for stuff or does she refuse to do this and blah blah and at that I time I could have cared less coz I knew for a fact that I was not wrong in voicing my opinions and thats why they always compare me to her (if I ever felt bad about their behaviour and expressed it to my parents they would call me toxic, or my head is filled with negativity while all I was doing was letting them k ow how hurtful their words can be ). I remember that day when I heardmy dad say that about me it hurt me so bad idk how to explain but even today when I recall it feels like I am getting physically stabbed AND after that I got so concious of every little thing I started comparing myself to ger and with all the circumstances I went through these years my sc just got even worse.

Now when I try to work on my sc I feel like I cant be the best, or good enough , or the most beautiful or all those things I want because I dont deserve it yeah but my sister does. I am stuck at home so I have to face this everyday. Like all these things are reserved for her. All I wamt to have is the best sc I dont want my sister to experience any shitty stuff and I dont want to be the one to experience it either. I sometimes get so angry on her in my mind and I just get irritated and I hate being with her coz I dont want to feel less than and looked down upon and then I feel guilty for feeling this way.

You might dislike me for saying the things I did but I really dont know how to get rid of all this. I dont want to be ignored or sidelined or treated like some third or 4th option or always getting shit from my parents. I know I have to affirm and persist or states but how do I even maintain it seeing the 3d it all feels like such a lie to me.

I see so many people manifesting weightloss and df and db and so much more. Even people who say they were horrible at manifesting and stuff like that they did it so quickly and I struggle to even manifest biscuits.

First off, I want to say I am so sorry you have gone through these experiences! You deserve the world and nothing less, hell you deserve the whole universe/multiverse! You wanting to change your self concept is a huge step! I know you are in hard circumstances but you are still in control, you are still limitless! You can manifest anything you can ever think of!! You are NOT limited whatsoever! You're amazing, talented, beautiful, worthy, loving, extraordinary just because you exist! You are the first choice because this is your reality! Pick yourself up and know you are chosen because you said so!! Recognize your limitless power! You have the power to bend all of reality t your will, realize how amazing and powerful you truly are! YOU ARE THE GOD OF YOUR REALITY!! Isn't that amazing? Don't blame yourself for everything that has been told to you or that you have gone through, you are not your trauma! I advise you to not identify with the 3d! The 3d is merely a reflection of your imagination. You fulfill within your imagination and the 3d has no choice to reflect that. Your emotions don't manifest, feel them all you want! Cry your eyes out, as long as you are not identifying with the outside world but with your imagination, which is the true reality you can not fail! YOUR DESIRES ARE INEVITABLE!! Nothing, I repeat nothing has control over you! Not your family, not your friends, not your 3d, not a single thing has any power over you! Failure does not exist you will always win! You can change your self concept by starting to identify with what you desire and not the unwanted circumstances! Change your conception of self because the world is merely a reflection of thyself. Change your assumptions towards manifesting! Change your assumptions to you always get what you want, people treat you amazingly, you are always the first choice, you manifest anything instantly! You need to change your conception from having such assumptions and identify with your power and awareness! You can maintain a good self concept by persisting in the dominant assumptions that align with your self concept being at a peak! Remember you are in control, you got this!

[gooferdusted]

would love to hear you go into more detail about how to fix Dean's characterization in S13 if you're interested in sharing

I AM extremely interested in sharing, lemme just run thru s13 bullet point fic style

• dean made a concious choice to like jack. he was fully prepared not to. the anger burning in his heart over cas and mary and the little shambles of a family he had somehow managed to cobble together being shattered in an instant made him want to shoot something on sight.

• unfortunately the first thing in sight that wasnt sam, was jack.

• (fortunately, sam was there to point the gun away)

• when they find him again, jacks wearing possibly the most ridiculous outfit deans seen since before sam outgrew that purple shirt with the greyhound on it.

• he still listens to that feeling deep in his gut: dont get attatched. it's like when a stray dog follows you home, and you just hope itll go away, because the life itll have with you might be worse than the alley it's been living in

• but he catches a glimpse of jack, asleep in the backseat. his foreheads pressed up against the window, and it's so easy for dean to just let his vision blur a little and pretend its sam back there. before all this, before college. to pretend its cas. (aw, ain't he a little angel?)

• dean steels himself, watches the road ahead, thinks about his mom, and doesnt get attatched for another day

• three days later in a motel room off the coast of nowhere, jack kline is perched on the edge of a magic fingers mattress, watching cartoons for the first time in his life.

• he looks up at dean with stars in his eyes, and says "its wonderful."

• and dean doesnt have the heart to turn it off.

• dean winchester makes a concious choice.

• weeks roll by, and cas and mary are still gone. jack stays holed up in his room most of the time, watching star wars and trying to make a pencil float.

• and when dean walks by, in a vicious bout of insomnia, and hears the unmistakable sound of a blade sinking through flesh, he feels his heart drop straight through the floor when its jacks bedroom light that's still on

• dean prepares himself to fight. he expects (or maybe hopes for) a ghost, or a demon, or just something he can hurt.

• what he doesnt prepare for, is jack, holding a bloody knife in his hands. he turns around to face dean, in tears and asks, begs: "what am I?"

• dean makes hot chocolate. kids like hot chocolate. (jack, thank god, seems to like hot chocolate).

• jack sleeps soundly through the night. dean spends the rest of it locking up every weapon he can find. baby proofing, he thinks humorlessly

• that first hunt, dean does everything he can to put jack out of harm's way. food run? sure. staying in the car while we handle this? even better.

• he realizes very quickly that the pop culture references dont work on this kid. ("mr spock" means nothing. "stay quiet, I'm trying to protect you" does.) nothing but honest, simple communication. god fucking help him.

• dean feels like his hearts pouring out onto the floor when he wakes up to find jack chained to a pole beside him.

• (the kid saves him, saves everyone. but it's a reminder: this is why he doesnt get close to people. it ends bad one way or another. just a matter of time.)

• when cas comes back, theres this weight that just falls off dean. he thought he might explode when he saw cas standing vacantly under the streetlight. like someone could still pull the rug put from under them again. but once the heavy metal door to the bunkers heaves shut, dean feels like he wants to collapse.

• jacks more alive than ever. he still talks about his mother, (and yeah, shit kid, of course. dont forget her. dont ever forget. dont let one thing about her slip away. there was a sick moment last week where dean couldn't remember the color of Mary's eyes.)

• jacks feelings are complicated. sam and cas understand him better than dean could ever hope to. cas gets all the angel stuff, and the kid chose him to be his dad, so of course they understand eachother.

• and sammy, he just knows. knows what it's like to feel like theres something monstrous inside you. something out of your control.

• (dean remembers this too. remembers how he tortured in hell. remembers how the first blade felt in his hand before it was tossed into the ocean. those felt like concious choices, hes convinced himself. so he let's sam talk to the kid, and pretends like he doesnt understand.)

• when jack disappears; that's when dean wishes he had talked more. wishes he had said anything at all to make the kid feel less alone, or take away a shred of the guilt he carried around.

• hes not the same when he comes back. it strikes dean very suddenly that jack has been apart from him for more than half his life now. neither of them will ever get that time back.

• when jack talks about the apocalypse world, dean slips up and says "when you were in palo alto."

• jack asks where palo alto is. dean doesn't tell him.

• the approach of that summer is a blur. weaving in an out of different world. mary comes back just in time for sam to bleed out on a cave floor. the only sense of control dean feels like he has is keeping the kid away from lucifer.

• it's the last thought he has before michael takes over his body.

[popculturebuffet]

Replies on Scott Pilgrim Gets It Together Review

@panur

i get the feeling that a lot of the shit that happens in the background that is just brought up casually like the kiss, ss finding out he's gay, kim getting a guy then being cheated on is just to illustrate that.... scott's just the main character of his own story, everyone else has their own shit going on, not everything is scott pilgrim vs.

panur

i do wish that had included ramona tho, other than her job and dropping that she goes to the gym, we know nothing of her that's not directly tied to scott, she doesn't seem to have friends of her own or anything

panur

i also find interesting scott never acknowledges that ramona cheated on him here. i know he doesn't have a leg to stand on given what he did, but just the fact he hears it and never thinks about it, especially after the fact nat cheaty

panur

*cheated on him and it v ery obviously messed him up. i guess what i'm saying is, with all he's repressing, i'm not surprised negascott is a thing

-------------------------------

In order * I see where your coming from and for the most part I do like that aspect of the series: That the rest of the cast DO have lives , histories and stuff outside of Scott’s orbit. Kim has her relationship with Jason and as I noted in the review, clearly looks a lot happier.. and next volume has that crumble horribly and Hollie, who when we have seen her has been Kim’s closest friend, utterly betray her and destroy her friendship, her job and everyhting. Stephen is dealing with his affair with jospeh, mentoring knives, and STILl dating Julie. We also never get a clear answer as to why they’ve stayed togehter so long. 

A scene I think exmplifies this, and I wish i’d thought of this during the review, is the fight at the restraunt between him and Julie. For Stephen’s story, this is clearlya  big moment as she assumes he’s cheating, if with the wrong person, things are very bad with them and falling apart, his relationship clearly ended for a while after this and only gets better at the end and entirley off screen. But we don’t see the whole thing because Scott isn’t part of it: He , and for once given his issues with avoidance wisely, gets the fuck out and we focus more on his and Ramona’s fight and the things after. BEcause i’ts HIS story. Same with Knives.. she clearly catches feelings for someone given her last scene, probably Stephen given she’s the ony one that knows he’s gay out of the main group before the big reveal, but we don’t get any of that or her getting a job. But I now realize her being out of it is because she’s slowly detaching from Scott’s orbit. This volume has her pretty much on her own, still obessed but not as, while next volume has her firmly break after Stephen’s hipocritical rant.... i’m going to tear into him over that one next time. By 6 she’s still his friend, but has firmly moved on and dosen’t need him anymore. It’s part of her progression that for once her story isn’t around him and it’s her DAD whose the one driving thigns. 

THat being said.. the kiss dosen’t feel like something that WOUDLN’T impact scott or any of them and it feels like it had none whatsoever on anyone. These other things all happen in the background but stuf still happens. Here we get two fo scott’s exes, two fo the leads, one of whom is just as older as scott was which creates it’s own can of worm and neither who have shown intrest in women making out.. and it just never comes up other than Scott being a dick or changes either. It just feels weird to include something that seems like i’td be that big and important and not have it be important. IN contrast Kim and Stephen’s arcs have reasons for being largely off screen and both still impact Scott’s narrative: Kim’s falling out with Hollie leaves her homeless and rudderless and she decides to go to college, taking her out of the narrative and leading to Scott’s sabatical in the woods that ultimately changes him for the better, while Stephen’s affair with Joseph causes the band to impolode as he stops carring about Sex Bomb Omb and creates a whole other project and abandons Scott basically. It just feels really odd to have something that clearly would change Knives a bit not do a damn thing.  Before I move on to Ramona I DO like how they weaponize this though with Neil. Neil grows increasingly bitter and dickish until volume 6, when Scott makes a concious effort to pull the guy into his life. But it’s because HE’S left out of EVERYTHING, with everyone just kind of forgetting about him and not carring about the fact he’s left out.  I will go into this more in volume 5 but I think part of why he hates Stephen so much is Stephen is very clearly his best friend.. and he abandons Neil to go be with Joseph. It’s why he gives the facepuncingly dickish “Captain Homo” comment. He feels hurt.. dosen’t make that RIGHT mind you but I can at least feel worse for him than Stephen who, even with grappling with being in the closet and that’s sympehttic and all, is still a dickhead. 

* As with Ramona.. your right. They really don’t do that with her AS MUCH they do a little as she works a lot, has a really nice place (It’s two stories for fuck’s sake), and clealry has stuff going on. I do think the lack of friends is okay as it’s deliberate: She keeps people at arms length, and friendship requires letting someone in a least a little. it’s just EASIER to be friends with Scott’s friends. It also honestly helps with the Roxie plot here: because she has no one else to turn to, it explains how Rox got into her head so easy. She IS friends with Wallace and Kim, but both are still linked to Scott, so she can’t exactly vent to them. Or at least feels she couldn’t, let’s face it both of them could use it too. 

I think she’s just focused on work most of the time and it was easier to just make friends with Scott’s friends and be around him than it was to build a life. Plus her job really dosen’t give her time to make friends outside Scott’s circle. Also I DO think that Stacey was supposed to be said friend... but that fell out as O’Malley stopped wanting to use the character and simply didn’t write anyone in to replace her. I do think Ramona does get sufficent character development though, and while it is DUE to her relationship, we do see a genuine progression in how she acts throughout the series good and bad and like Scott, she ends the series a better person. But If the series is adapted into a streaming show down the line and it REALLY needs to be, this is something i’d fix up, and given there’s a rather sizeable chunk of background characters, as well as Kim and Stacey, it wouldn’t be that hard to give her seomthing else to do. 

And yeah I think he just repressed it, that it was just hard to deal with and like all the thing sin his life that are hard to deal with he choose to ignore it rather than talk with her.IT is indeed why Nega Scott exists. 

[tumblunni]

What do you guys think about the names Dustin and Darcy for my protagonists in Let's Go?

Cos i really wanted to play the co op mode thing by myself, just so i can pretend this role in the plot is filled by two siblings and have a bit of fun roleplaying that. But i dunno yet how the co-op works and whether you'd be able to customize the avatar of the second player or if its just the default trainer? Or can you only play co-op if you have two separate games? Im planning to buy the other version anyway once i get more money, so it could be fun to play my first version with sibling one and then the second playthru is sibling two's turn to shine!

Oh and the whole reason i wanted to do this is cos i wanna try out the customization features to make some ocs now that there's no competitive online stuff unless you pay a subscription fee (LOL NO THANKS). Like..i always felt like i HAD to make my character me in xy/sumo/usum, otherwise its like lying online? But of course i cant actually make me because theres no nonbinary option or even remotely ambiguous outfits for either gender. And you cant have wild hair colours while i dye my hair 24/7 irl lol. Its silly cos like 95% of the gym leaders and other characters ingame have anime hair colours yet the player has to be normal? So yeah i cpuldnt really enjoy making this innacurate defanged version of myself yet i didnt feel like i was allowed to just make up a new character either. Closest i could do was give myself white hair like my old trainersona when i was 12, lol. I mean i guess thats my 'real hair colour' underneath the dye right now, if you think about it that way?

OH GOD PIKACHU CAN HAVE A LITTLE TUXEDO AND BOWLER HAT HOLY FUCK IM SORRY TO INTERRUPT THIS BUT I WAS WATCHING THE IGN REVIEW AND THEY SHOWED PIKA BOWLER HAT PLEASE GO GOOGLE THAT VIDEO JUST FOR THAT 1 SECOND OF NEW FOOTAGE OF MY BEAUTIFUL CLASSY BOYE

okay where was i

Yeah! I think sibling trainers could be a good and unique way to handle a rival! Like having them be your sibling already establishes that rivalry. But it can be a soft and nice rivalry! I wanna go with that fun version rather than the full on angry exaggerated sibling rivalries you often see in kids media. Like i know that some people legit dont get on with their siblings and some people can even have a very gary esque full on rivalry thats sorta 'love to hate' or like..tsundere pretending you hate them. But personally i never had experience with that, i can never relate to those 'tfw u hate ur sibling and theyre always an asshole but lolll u love them anyway' posts. I only got to live with my little sister for a little while due to the catastrophe of abusive parenthood that was my childhood, and i lost contact with her forever when she was very young so i doubt she'd even remember me. *sigh* But like i don't think i only love her so much because i miss her! People say newborns and toddlers are the most bratty so like you'd think if i was gonna ever find her 'annoying' i would have done it back then. I was always just mega proud of her and whenever she'd be 'bratty' i'd be cheering her on and trying to protect her from mom. And when she'd try and pull pranks on me or practise play-fighting or whatever i was just like 'lol thats legit funny' and taking play-falls so she felt better about herself. Like we didnt have much power in that household so i felt like encouraging her pretending to be a wrestler would help her feel like she had some sort of control in some part of her life i guess? And just i wished i was allowed to roughhouse and run around and be all 'unladylike' and just enjoy BEING A KID when i was a kid, yknow? I always had legit fun being with her and legit enjoyed it and was legit proud and legit never annoyed. I just dont understand 'yeah she's annoying but i love her anyway'. I was only ever her rival as a play-rival to help encourage her to like.. Enjoy the things she enjoyed. Feel like someone else cared. I only ever acted like 'ha ha baby stuff yeah sure i hate hanging out with my sister" cos i thought i was SUPPOSED TO. I always felt so guilty doing it and so dissappointed cos id rather hang out with her than be a boring stereotypical teen tbh. I dunno, maybe this isnt typical for siblings and its just a sign of how badly we were raised? I was just real fuckin lonely and absolutely loved having a family member who loved me for the first time since my grandma died. Same reason i always used to act all 'i am too cool i totally am not soft for my lil sister' around my lil sister's dad. I really wanted him to love me too! I used to say swear words at him cos i thougjt he would thibk i was Cool And Adult?? I have soooo many cringe moments from that phase of my childhood. Man it hurts to think that i never actually did get to become that positive influence that protected my sister from my mum and let her know she was loved. Cos i was sent to live with my dad when she was like 5ish? And never saw her again and now im too scared to try and reach out to her again because 1: she probably doesnt even remember me, 2: theres a chance she believes my mum saying i was some horrible asshole who abandoned the family, 3: even bigger chance that contacting her could mean my mum finding me again and big fuckin risk of further abuse. Plus the awkwardness of introducing my trans self when she'd remember me as her sister and all. Sigh! All i can do is hope that her cool dad eventually got custody of her, and that he didnt turn out to be a secret bastard like when i met my own dad. He seemed good, but then again i was just a lil kid and my dad seemed good at first. Sighhhhhh...

SO UMM YEAH WOW I MADE MYSELF SAD

Anyway the point is that whenever i write siblings i'd rather write 100% unapologetic super loving love cos its wish fullfillment for me. This is also why in/cest shipping is a massive beserk button for me, good wholesome family relationships are REAL FUCKIN IMPORTANT and how DARE you corrupt that shit! Some people would fuckin KILL to have that wholesome family!!

Anyway lol thats why i'd like a Wholesome Rivalry for these sibling ocs! Like they challenge each other to contests along the way just for fun, and they react all 'wow my sis is the BEST' when you beat them, so hard feelings at all. And you dont JUST do rival stuff but also sometimes just hang out and have fun cos you missed each other. And if anyone threatens your sibling then THAT is the only time you see the Serious Sibling Power! Rival moments: ha ha lol bet ya cant beat me ooo im a scary villain LOL I CANT KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE HAHA! Giovanni punches your brother: *stony cold death glare from hell as tricksy prank sis turns into an unstoppable vengeance engine* Oh, but also the only other time they'd be serious is in their final battle together! Like most of the 'rivalry' is just competing to make the adventure fun and to help each other get stronger. But if sis/bro ever actually legit said they really want to fight to find out who's the best, and its like..important to help their self confidence, then i think bro/sis would respect that and go all out. Taking a fall and letting them win would be the most disrespectful thing of all! Oh, but i do think there would be one kind of battle like that during the story? Like in one of the more low stakes faux-rival fights the sibling actually does try and let you win, and the challenge is to try and lose against all odds. High stakes super failure battle!!! Imagine the evil team in the background like 'wtf' as these two run the most aggressively slow race of all time! XD

Oh and i kinda thought about different personalities for the two of them based on who you pick? Like i did like that aspect about brendan/may in RSE compared to other 'unpicked option becomes rival' characters in later games that didnt even have one personality let alone two. It just sucks that the personalities they decided to give them were 'female rival is super self concious and thinks youre better than her because youre a boy' and 'male rival is super ego and thinks he's better than you because he's a boy'. Boooo!

So instead of that the personalities i was thinking for these two would be less sexist lol. Male sibling Dustin is basically Wally so far? I need to develop him a bit more to make him a bit distinct, i mean its not like every single shy dude is identical. I'm thinking maybe mix him with all the wasted potential in Brendan? Like in the game they slightly hint at him having the ONE non stereotypical trait of liking cute teddy bears, and that made me think about how much better his whole plot would have been if it actually criticized his sexism and said that he only behaves that way cos he's overcompensating for being bullied for being 'feminine', yknow? And then in the manga they actually DO write him as super feminine, and even as a contest star who loves fashion and dressing up his pokemon! But then GAHHH they present it as some sort of fuckin 'character flaw', like he's shown to be selfish and superficial because of it. And the backstory is that him and the female protagonist used to be 'normal' until a traumatic event. Brendan was a Natural Fighting Prodigy until he saved his female friend from a wild pokemon and was so traumatized that he never wanted to fight again, while she wanted to learn to fight so she'd never need to be protected again. But this is not only presented as Wrong Ways To Be Gender but also like.. Fighting their natural instinct which still comes through?? Like male protag hasnt fought in YEARS yet whenever he's forced to fight he's just magically better at it than female protag who's been practising all these years to become his equal. Ha ha silly girl you can never achieve that! All you get is this patronizing 'well if you just tryyyyy girly things im sure you'll like it' plot and then you get rescued by him in the end because OF COURSE you do. Sigh! I cant believe they made me hate that pairing even more than the games did! So yeah i dont really wanna write Dustin as a jerkass who's secretly got synpathetic motives of internalized homophobia/sexism, cos i feel thats a plot very specific to my perceptuons of Brendan and id basically just have to make Dustin a clone of him and he wouldnt be able to shine on his own merits. Instead i'm just thinking of writing him as a 100% sensitive soul, and he still faces predjudice for not being that bigoted idea of an 'ideal man' but really the fact he doesnt bow down to their demands proves that he's the bravest person here.

And then I'm thinking maybe the female sibling Darcy is the older one and is a bit "gary ish"? Like eitjer way you still have a friendly and loving siblingness, but she's a bit more of a sass who is tsundere about admitting she loves her bro. But i dont think she's the cold or grumpy sort of tsundere, more like a trickstery tomboy? Bombastic loki jock sis! She can only be a bit abrasive with her bro cos she wants to teach him to be tough even when she's not there to protect him. But sometimes she can mess it up and make him feel like he has to change his personality in order to be tough, rather than letting him know she supports him in being "unmasculine" and just wants to help him find the confidence to stand up to people who bully him for it. Like she feels like she is 'weaker' than him in the sense that she worries too much about what people will think if she expresses her real emotions, yknow? Like theyre both suffering from toxic masculinity! He's suffering from the standard form where men who are too 'soft' are beaten down into that mould. Ans she's suffering from the problem where 'masculine' girls feel like they have to be '100% masculine' in order to be allowed to be themselves at all. Like back when i was a kid and before i came out as trans i always used to try and pretend to like sports ans like..cliche macho shit where you Cant Admit You Care About Your Friends and also i wasnt allowed to like ANY feminine things at all. I had to either follow the stereotype of femininity entirely or follow the opposite stereotype, i wasnt allowed to just reject stereotypes and like what i actually like. So yeah me realizing i wasnt really a girl has led to me embracing more 'girly' things than back when i thought i was one! So i think Darcy would have a similar arc but like..the cis equivelant? Just finds people who arent such judgmental pricks and stops having to conform to either of those stereotypes in order to keep fake friends who dont really give a shit about her. She can have a plot about both forced feminine and masculine stereotypes being equally limiting, rather than that shitty 'being masculine is a prison uwu every woman will be happier embracing her love of makeup' shit. That dominant narrative just made me feel like i was somehow wrong about myself whenever i didnt like 100% Of Sports All The Time, i must be somehow girly if i liked even ONE girly thing yet i needed hundreds of proofs if i wanted to be masculine. And like i wasnt just allowed to be neither! I wasnt allowed to like parts of both! I wasnt allowed to BE GODDAMN TRANS!!! So yeah i dunno if i'd go whole hog and make this character a trans man or a nonbinary person tho? I think she's just actually a cis girl who happens to be sporty and brash and likes a lot of 'masculine' fashion and hobbies. And she's just been made to feel self concious about it, as if she cant possibly REALLY be that unless she likes Every Single Boy Thing and wins at Every Single Challenge. Does anyone else remember that shit too? The girls have to win Every sports game against the boys in order to be 'one of the boys' but if you lose even one of them it somehow proves that you're inferior. Even though the boys lost 50 billion games to you and that doesnt prove theyre inferior! Like man she has sooooo many 'gary rivals' in her school life, thats why she loves going on this adventure with a kind brother rival who actually respects her! So her resolution would just be her staying the same but being more confident about it and saying fuk u to those fake friends. Same as her brother's plot, just they both face different specifics to the way this sexism affects them, yknow?

Oh but yeah when i did finally learn about LGBT stuff and realize i was trans it was Big Amazing cos even in the rare stories about Its Okay To Be Yourself it still left me feeling weirdly empty when the girl decides that yes she does wanna be a girl in the end. So i get that these plots might come off as queerbaiting if i write them badly? I need to make sure to make it clear that these characters 100% want to be seen as this gender and its just other people being fuckfaces and trying to define what their gender has to mean. I think maybe i'll try and mitigate this potential misunderstanding by adding different sorts of lgbt content. And, well, also cos i just want lgbt content in all of my stories because i am lgbt, of course! I'm 100% sure that Darcy is gay, and i think also maybe possibly Dustin is trans? Like, his plot is about being mocked for being a 'feminine' boy, but its also even more personal for him because he's a trans boy and he feels like he needs to change his personality in order to pass/he isnt really real because his personality doesnt fit the stereotypical image of a man. Like if you'd looked at the two of them back when they were identical twins, you probably would have expected Darcy to end up being trans if you were the sort of person who believes those basic ass stereotypes about 'boys who play with barbies and girls who play with trucks'. Or i mean maybe its the other way around and Darcy is a trans girl who still has a 'masculine' personality according to stereotypes? Or even both of them are trans and both face being told that they arent real because they dont fit the perfect stereotype of a trans person according to cis perceptions? Or maybe i'm overcomplicating things with all of this and it'd just muddy the message i guess. I might just keep it to them both being cis but also both of them like girls. And i can always apply my trans and other LGBT headcanons to other characters along their adventure.

Anyway LOL im rambling too much!

[nevergoodenoughforthetruth]

Day 6: fresh start // Elliot and Otōsan

"Otosan, how did you and Papa decide to have me?"

"well... You see Elliot.."

~ 14 years earlier ~

It had been about three months since Dan found out about Cat and Zack's little incident. He wanted to kill him, beat the absolute hell out of Zack and make him wish he never manifested in the first place but he couldn't. He couldn't all because that absolutely insane subconscious was attached the concious of his weird yet charming husband Phil, who would not look cute with a black and bloody face. Not that Dan was even capable of making someone look like that... Only if he had to he would. This situation didn't call for that. Even though he really really wanted to.

Instead, Dan opted for something he know would bring him comfort. Copious amounts of alcohol.

In hindsight it wasn't the best thing to do but what else could he have done in that situation? He just learned his husbands demon brain is the reason his daughter is the way she is, the reason she has such spite against him. SHe's somehow managed to corrupt her poor little brain and it was too late for Dan to help her. She had already formed her judgement and the judgement Cat gives, which is the only judgement Persephone likes to follow, is just awful. If Dan had it his way she never would have been in the picture in the first place. He knew something was fishy when phi-zack wanted to keep her close by, offering to help split rent with her in order to keep their 'friendship' strong.

God, he was so naive and stupid.

Dan felt like he couldn't breathe. He was four swigs in and everything felt weird. It had been awhile since he's felt like this, he swore to himself he would only drink when he felt happy. "Well, here's to that!" He cheered himself, taking his fifth swig of many.

A couple hours had passed at this point and Dan was done with his bottle. He, along with it, laid on the floor, staring up at the cieling wondering two things: why his life was so awful right now, and why the room was spinner so fast. In an attempt to throw his leg out on the floor Dan crashed the extremity down and a sharp pain shot up the bone soon to follow. It subsided quickly as alcohol was the best known pain reliever I'm his book.

Some shit for the middle of the story about Dan and bryony meeting up and getting it on

"are you hungry? Want me to order a take away?"

"no.. I'm sad Otōsan.. so I was just drunk mistaken sex?"

"technically????....yes, but we did plan on having you, and Bryony was our next option since Cat was no longer a good choice"

"for obvious reasons"

"exactly" Dan winked at his son.

Elliot sat quiet for a couple of minutes before turning his head slightly at his father, giving him a confused look, "is that why I don't see mummy bryony anymore?" The curly-locked boy started his father, searching his face for the answer in case he didn't tell the truth. Persephone said he always lies to her, so it made Elliot wander if his dad always lied to him as well.

Dan sat puzzled on how to answer this. He knew his son was old enough to understand this, he had common sense for God's sake and he was a pretty rational boy. But a part of Dan still couldn't accept he was so big, was he even mature as he claims? He let out a long sigh and tried to give his son the warmest look possible, "we-" Dan stopped himself, placing one hand on his chest then using the other to hold his index finger up, "IIII didn't want the same thing to happen to you. Bryony is lovely, but I couldn't risk both of my children hating me. I also wouldn't be able to handle your dad thinking he wasn't actually your dad." He half explained before getting up to reach out and place a hand ontop of his sons, "he's not biologically your dad but he is, he loves you just as much as you love persey, and I love persey. She's not my bio baby, but she's my baby." He pulled away and sat back in his seat. "And I love both of my children too much to let something happen, or let someone corrupt their poor, innocent mind. I didn't have a say with your sister, but with you I did."

"And you chose to keep my mother at a distance?"

"...yes. it hindsight it wasn't the best idea but I just wanted the be careful. I'm sorry if it has caused tension in your relationship with her, I didn't think of that back then. I was mainly focused on my relationship with you."

[hard-satin]

Fill the void (Pt. 4)

Masterlist

@dumbass-stilinski

Stiles POV

  I watched in horror as (Y/N) launched herself into voids waiting arms, pulling his lips down onto hers in a fierce kiss. I let out a strangled gasp at the brashness. This could not be (Y/N). They seemed to hear me. I watch as (Y/N) turned to me, hope sparked inside as a look of recognition washed over her face. The spark of hope grew into a flame as she walked closer, pausing just across from me. The hope died as she smirked and crossed her arms over her chest.

  “Well thanks for saving my life but your jobs done here.”  (Y/N) dismissed me with a wave before turning back into voids arms.

  “What do you mean? Aren't you coming with me?” I couldn’t help but hope she would tear herself from voids grasp and come with me.

  “No, I think this is exactly where I want to be.” She turned away from me and gave void another kiss before they disappeared into the dark.

 -

  “What do you mean she’s gone darkside? How did she even end up with void?” Scott was practically yelling at me and I couldn’t blame him.

  “Darkside like Anakin Skywalker in the crappy Star Wars prequels. I might have taken her to him to save her life.” I admitted miraculously keeping my calm.

  “I’ll go get her back and bring her to Deaton's. Hopefully he can fix this, and I have no idea what you’re saying when you talk Star Wars, only (Y/N) understood that.” Scott scolded me as he walked out.

  I sat unmoving in my bedroom for hours as it grew dark, wishing (Y/N) was here to understand my Star Wars references, or just sit in silence. I just wish she was with me.

 -

 Voids POV

  “Well if you’re not going to go to the school until tonight then we have a couple hours to kill.” (Y/N) said pulling me away from the blueprints of Beacon Hills High, and between her legs.

  “Oh yeah, what did you have in mind?” I asked running my hands up the outside of her thighs.

  “This.” Like lightning she had me across the room pressed into the wall. I smirked as concrete durst rained down around us. She swallowed it with a bruising kiss that had me tasting blood. I moaned at the feeling.

  I ripped her clothes from her body as she did the same to me. An animalistic growl ripping from her throat as she jump into me. I pulled her legs around my waist as I slammed into her. The screams that exploded from her were delicious as I thrust into her. Her arms wrapped around me and one hand tore painfully at my hair. I didn’t last long and soon I was releasing inside her. I dropped her as I slid down the wall spent. I looked at (Y/N) as she caught her breath beside me, watching with pride as the marks I had made on her neck and chest faded from sight.

 -

  (Y/N)’s POV

  I stood on shaky legs looking down at void as he watched me. HIs eyes were focused on the disappearing marks on my chest. He had certainly improved the frail mortal body I had before, but as I looked at the boy with the dark circles under his eyes I couldn’t help but feel a cold feeling crawling up in my body. I started to walk away confused and unsatisfied.

  “Where are you going?” There was a small part inside me that wanted to flinch at his voice, it was more than unnerving. He saved me, he remade me. I loved him. Didn’t I?

  “Just to get you a washcloth my love.” The lie rolled off my lips effortlessly as I continued my march in the direction of the barley working bathroom.

  “God I remade you perfect didn’t I?” He spoke as if just voicing his thoughts so I didn’t answer. I wasn’t quite sure he was right.

  I made it to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I was naked and could care less, before I had always been self concious about my body but now I had confidence. Real confidence, not the facade that I had been putting on since the supernatural invaded my life. I could take care of myself now. I was strong, stronger than even a werewolf, and faster than one too. I could heal, I could fight, and better than all that void had set me free. Scott always had these moral codes that got in the way of making things happen. Now I was free from that burden, and causing problems was so much more fun than solving them.

  My mind was suddenly pulled to a day not long ago. I was with Stiles in my bedroom playing a game of  chess and talking about our latest case. This  warm feeling was blooming in my chest and I wasn’t quite sure what it was. I knew it was a memory but the feeling felt foreign, like someone had erased it from me. I thought to void, I loved him. He saved me, he made me better than I was before. I thought again of that day in my room, Stiles hands flying around wildly as he explained his asinine theories, occasionally knocking over a chess piece, the warm feeling grew. Suddenly I felt wrong, being here with void instead of with Stiles, trying to create the problems I used to help solve. It was like paint chipping away revealing what had been underneath. I didn’t want that burden. Always needing to save the world, never getting what I wanted. Void was the next best thing. I struggled to reason with myself, the internal conflict bubbling into rage as I crashed my fist down into the sink, shards of it flying all around the room. I felt a piece bite into my cheek but I didn’t even blink. I knew it would heal in a matter of seconds anyway. Void came crashing through the bathroom door a second later.

  “What the hell happened?” He looked angry.

  “I’m still getting used to my strength.” I lied again looking at the ruin I had caused, part of me proud the other part, horrified.

  “Don’t worry, you’ll learn soon enough.” Void reassured me stiffly, like a misbehaving dog.

  “Or you won’t, I don’t mind. I’ve always been a fan of chaos and destruction.” He looked up at me with a dark smile before leaving me to admire the ruin I had caused, and to wonder what I would destroy next.

 -

  I walked behind void as we entered the school. Void easily knocked Scott and Kira to the side. I watched as Stiles and Lydia stumbled away from us in fear. It made me sad to see them running from me, but I couldn’t understand why. I had no attachments to these people I shouldn’t be feeling anything, but I was.

  “Divine move? Divine move? You think you have any moves at all? You can kill the Oni, but me? Me? I’m a thousand years old! You can’t kill me!” Void was screaming at them.

  “But we can change you!” Lydia and Stiles stopped backing away something was wrong. I turned and watched Scott run at void. I stepped in between them, Scott sent me flying back into a wall the force of it knocking me to the ground clinging to consciousness. It was enough to warn void.

  “Change the host. Well it’s a good thing I brought back up.” Void taunted as their plan failed.

  “What did you do to her?”  Stiles voice was weak but I could tell he was angry. Why did he care, we were nothing to each other. Then I thought back to the memory of us playing chess. I thought it had been a figment of my imagination, but what if I was wrong. What if void did more then just bring me back and make me stronger.

  “I made her better. I took away her memories of you all. Her morals are gone and I instilled in her the same thirst for destruction and power that I have. That’s how I saved her life, by giving her some of mine. She’s just as strong as I am and completely obedient to me. The perfect soldier.” The ringing in my head did nothing to drown out voids words. He had taken things from me. These people were my friends, and they were still trying to save me. As I lay prone on the tile floor I couldn’t quite figure out if I wanted them too.

  “Well we will just have to get rid of you to save her.” Kira said as the pack formed a semicircle around void and I.

  “I’m afraid her life force draws it’s power from my own. Kill me and you kill her. Not that I wouldn’t mind her death, she dosen’t mean that much to me anymore. Stiles thought I loved her, and I did when I was bound to him, his emotions would infect me but once I was free they left me.” Void mocked them.

  “Then why did you save her life?” Scott asked.

  “Who better to cause you all this much pain then someone you all love.” Void spoke, my vision changing from black spots to a weird glow.

  Suddenly I wasn’t in the school hallway. I was laughing at a lunch table with Scott and Stiles. I was shopping with Lydia for a formal dress. I was studying with kira for our econ test, but mostly talking about her crush on Scott. I was standing with Stiles our hands wrapped around a lit flare that a soaking Scott was holding in a motel parking lot. I was researching werewolves with Stiles after Scott was bit. I was out in the woods getting escorted back to Stiles jeep by his dad after he, Scott, and I had gone out looking for a body.

  These images kept flashing through my mind, one after the other. Memories returning to me.

  I was holding a young Stiles hands as we stood over his mother's grave. His tears falling onto my shoulder as I did my best to be there for him.

  Scott running into my small arms crying that his dad had left.

  One after another these images came to me and all the darkness I had been holding onto was suddenly pushed away. Void was not my friend.

  I stood as one final image flashed through my mind. Stiles and Scott and I meeting for the first time in the sand box. These people weren’t just my friends, they were my home. And Void had tried to take that from me.

  “You are no match for the both of us, so why don’t you just stand aside.” Void taunted them as he watched me stand.

  “Yup, I’ve gone darkside. I’m just like Anakin Skywalker at the end of return of the jedi.” I told them standing up at voids side. I watched Stiles eyes widen with realisation. I sent him the smallest of smiles hoping he would understand that I was doing this for him.

  I turned on void then, slamming him back into the lockers before throwing him to the ground. I pounced on him, letting out all the darkness and rage he had put inside me as I tore him apart. As he died I felt myself growing stronger, I felt the darkness try to control me, but I wouldn’t let it. I didn’t know if I would survive but I had to save my friends.

-

  I was lying on something cool. My body felt strange, and my head hurt. I could make out voices that were coming from very far away.

  “What happened back there, she said she was Anakin, but isn’t he the bad guy?” The familiar voice of Scott pulled me from unconsciousness. I opened my eyes and sat up on the examination table from the clinic. Scott was nowhere to be found.

  “Anakin is the bad guy, he’s darth vader but at the end of return of the Jedi he turns back to the light side and fights against the emperor to save Luke. She must have broken free of his influence to save us.” Stiles explained. I wandered through the clinic searching for the boys as their words played clearly in my head.

  “Deaton thinks she absorbed all of voids power when she killed him. Do you think she has his darkness too?” Scott seemed afraid of what I might become.

  “There might be a darkness inside of her, but there’s light too. Just like a jedi, it matters which one she chooses and I think you can remember as well as I can that she chose the light.” Stiles explained, the confidence in his voice filling me with a warm feeling as I walked outside to where the boys were leaning against the jeep.

  “Dude, what are you saying?” Scott asked, confused by Stiles reference.

  “Scott don’t you think it's about time you watched Star Wars.” I said drawing the boys attention to me. Scott just looked at me in shock, Stiles however wasted no time running to me and consuming me in a bone crushing hug.

  “Wait, it’s really you.” Scott was still wary.

  “I think so, yeah.” I said as Stiles pulled back, one of his arms remained wrapped around me.

  “No desire to feed of pain and misery?” Scott persisted.

  “Nope, but I could go for some pizza.” I told him realising how hungry I was. Finally a smile spread over Scotts face and he crossed to Stiles and I and pulled us both into a hug.

  “I’m going to wake up the girls, they’re going to want to come too.” Scott said pulling away from us and heading back inside the clinic leaving me and Stiles alone.

  I turned to look at Stiles as he fiddled with the end of his shirt.

  “Look (Y/N), I…” He began, but I cut him off by pressing my lips to his. Pulling him down into a kiss that was finally right, only when I was about to pass out did I come up for air.

  “I know, I do too.” I told him resting my forehead against his a smile spreading across my face.

  Suddenly a whistle pulled us apart. I looked over at Scott, Kira, and Lydia all standing with stupid smiles on their face.

  “It’s about damn time.” Lydia smirked at us. The rest of the group laughed.

  I wanted to blush but Stiles didn’t give me the chance, he pulled me back to him and crashed his lips down onto my own. Our friends laughter soon turned to cheers as I lost myself in Stiles.

  I could feel it inside me, I wasn’t the same anymore, but it was okay. I thought of Scott and Lydia and Kira, and now me and Stiles. I could feel a darkness inside me, but I could feel a strength too. If there was one thing I’d learned over the last year is that change doesn't have to be bad, it doesn't have to be an end. Sometimes it can be a beginning.

Fin

[sanderssides-fics]

A special haven chapter 3

Chapter 2 (chapter 1 is attached to chapter 2): https://sanderssides-fics.tumblr.com/post/162106840402/a-special-haven-chapter-2

Tw: mention of homophobia, mention of violence, mention of mutism, mention of nightmares, mention fo death.

Tags: @analogically-prinxiety @the-prince-and-the-emo @princeyandanxiety @thebaagelboy @softlogic @the-sanders-sides @polysandershell @princey-and-hottopic

______

Imaj had left after dinner that night, Logan came by half an hour later. The weird environment had Anxiety feeling more clingy to Logan as a safe place than before. Logan didn’t mind as he and Anxiety spoke between each other. Logan had an arm around a shaking Anxiety. Anxiety had drove himself into an attack from thinking about whether Roman was happy or Mad anxiety wasn’t home.

“You don’t need to think of your torture location right now, Anxiety.  Think about how at this location you are accepted and safe. Okay? Follow my breathing to calm down, it’s a distraction and an easy way of regulating your inhale-exhale pattern.” Logan said and Anxiety suppressed a snicker as he followed the elders breathing carefully, slipping up a couple times and coughing once or twice.

Anxiety was calmed down a little while later, around 20 minutes later to be more precise. Logan’s shift was long over but wasn’t leaving yet. Anxiety wasn’t in a secure enough mental and emotional state to leave. Logan smoothed out Anxiety’s hair, causing Anxiety to jokingly purr which made Logan laugh gently. They were content in each other’s presence, a sense of comfort and security.

Logan took some more notes in the familiar notebook, noting Anxiety’s comfort with him and the quicker release of his Anxiety attack with the mention of home. He noted that the home was helping Anxiety ever so slightly, how Anxiety took better reactions to children than adolescents. It wasn’t a surprise, when Anxiety was in waiting rooms once or twice he always made Babies laugh and 2-5 year olds calm down from break downs. Parents adored Anxiety’s skills but despised his looks. Nobody really wants a rebellious teen near their children.

Logan smiled to himself as Anxiety fell asleep against him and helped Anxiety lay down in his bed gently. Logan left a note on Anxiety’s dresser of Logan’s work schedule so Anxiety knew when Logan would come by. Then he left to the kitchen.

“Thanks for taking him in Donny, it was difficult to get him here” Logan said, Donnovan was sat at the kitchen island with a teen in all black. Black hair with a red under side, a long black trench coat, black jeans and shirt, black Converse.

“Its no problem, the more the merrier. Elliot and Isaac both adore him. I’m sure if Kyle wasn’t here Kit & Kat would too.” Donnovan smiled gently as he got up, the teens head slammed against the granite counter top.

“What’s up with them” Logan gestured to the half concious, groaning teen.

“He escaped the home last night, came home… 30 minutes ago, he got ahold of alcohol and some form of narcotics. He’s hungover and upset.” Donnovan said sighing “He was 3 years clean, his mind is punishing him enough” donnovan spoke and talked with Logan for a little bit before Logan left to his own house.

Anxiety curled in his sleep and whimpered as a nightmare roared in his mind. Quick flashes of Roman angry at him, his dad lain dead in a hospital bed, Roman shoving him and blaming him for their dad’s death, Roman beating anxiety, Roman laughing,  the images got redder and redder until Anxiety startled awake in a scream. Within a minute Anxiety was surprised as he was being hugged by a pair of muscular arms, the scent of leather and aftershave hit him and Anxiety spotted it was Kyle with him now.

“Don’t say anything, I’m the Dad kid here. You’re still young, you need care. And you had a nightmare right? You need someone here, your Significant other is off duty-” Kyle paused when Anxiety choked on air. “Have I said something wrong?”

“L-Logan and I are not together” Anxiety said quietly.

“Okay then you both wish you were. My point still stands!” Kyle and Anxiety both snicker. They both started just talking to distract Anxiety from his previous dream. It wasn’t long before they connected quite a lot. Anxiety messed with Kyle’s hair as the other ranted about how his parents kicked him out for being Polysexual, Kyle had brown hair that was curled and created a curly fringe on his forehead which was fun to tangle your fingers in and just play with in general.

Anxiety told Kyle about never knowing his mother, and how Roman and his school were treating him. It was getting really late now and both boys didn’t realize how tired they were as the discussed the pangea effect and fell asleep lain side by side and woke up to Kyle’s phone ringing. Anxiety was first awake, a pair of arms around his waist, Kyle had warned he was sleep-cuddler. Anxiety didn’t mind, Kyle woke up and hung up the call before pulling Anxiety closer.

“You awake? It’s only 6 a.m.” Kyle asked in a groggy, husky morning voice. Anxiety turned around slowly but not too slow, being careful not to spook or hurt Kyle.

“As much as I hate it, yes I am awake” Anxiety mumbled and Kyle just chuckled gently.

“Do you want to move or stay here, I’ve locked the door so we wouldn’t be disturbed.” Kyle questioned and got his response with an affection-deprived Anxiety moving closer to him. Kyle just chuckled and held Anxiety, he felt bad for the 16 year old. Kyle was 18, 19 in 3 months,  but didn’t have to move out of the home because he was a huge helper in the home with Kit & Kat who hated most people. Kyle had noticed Kit & Kat’s instant cuddling of Anxiety earlier that week and decided that if the girls trusted him then he could too.

Anxiety fell asleep again, arms wrapped around Kyle as if Anxiety was a kid, an 11 year old but still a kid. Clingy and loving and yet scared and distant. Anxiety was a kid inside, and maybe Kyle could be the brotherly figure Anxiety needed. That’s all Kyle wanted.

Around 8 a.m. they finally left the room. Kit & Kat sensing Kyle and suddenly they were climbing his body and resting on his hips as he held them. Anxiety smiled gently and suddenly had Elliot at his side rambling about one of imaj’s stories.

■□■

Anxiety didn’t tell Logan about him and Kyle being close, but rather that Kyle helped him with a nightmare last night.  Logan took note that the nightmares were starting again.

“You’re okay here though?” Logan questioned and Anxiety smiled gently and took a chance by pecking Logan’s cheek.

“Yeah, it’s better than with Roman and doesn’t smell like the hospital chemicals” He giggles. Logan was blushing gently but nodded. Logan had only been able to come by that night because during the day they had a preteen brought in with 4 broken ribs, a broken arms, and an inability to explain what had happened. Not just because they were unconcious but because they were physically Mute. A previous disease had damaged their vocal cords to the point of no return. The preteen however had two Wrist bands that paramedics had gotten information off of. One was in Nonbinary flag colours, the other held their name and another.

“What names were on the persons bracelet?” Anxiety asked suddenly Curious. 

“Elliot, and Missy” Logan smiled and so did Anxiety. Elliot had previously talked of his cousin, and how she communicated with broken-ASL and whiteboards. Logan left soon after that. There was an emergency call, but he’d be back at 10 tomorrow. Anxiety could wait. He had many friends for once.

For once…

He felt loved

[overthinking-and-overeating]

This has been the litteral shittiest week.

I didn’t study for my chem test Sunday night cause I was fucking SAD.

I couldn’t get started on my work yesterday cause I was SICK so I just slept, which didn’t help at all. I’m still fucking sick.

I have a midterm, a presentation, and a test tomorrow, none of which I have started preparing for in the LEAST because I was supposed to do that Monday, and then I was supposed to do that today. Guess what I did both days? Be LOOPY ALL DAY and then fucking SLEEP when I get home.

Monday I had to justify that I was fucking sick so I didn’t have to attend drama cause I was SAD and didn’t want to look after some grade 10’s and also, did feel sick.

Today I had to justify, YET AGAIN that I was too sick to attend a practice, this time for track, which when I said I was too sick to attend, the coach said “when you’re sick you stay home from school”. No shit Sherlock. Ideally, yeah, I’d be at home, in bed, sleeping and drinking tea. Guess what Miss? I can’t. Fucking. Do. That. I have chemistry, Law, and Anthro, none of which post what goes on in class online anymore. It doesn’t matter how fucking LATE I am, I HAVE to attend otherwise I’m going to fall too far behind. So yeah, when you’re sick you’re supposed to stay home. When you stay home, you’re also not supposed to fall so fucking far behind it takes forvever to catch up.

I’m so fucking done with this week and it’s only Tuesday. If I don’t present my cooking presentation tomorrow then I’m gonna have to go to class on Thursday. If I do, I’m not going to school Thursday. Fuck track man, I’m so fucking sick and my brain feels like it’s full of cotton and all she has to say is shouldn’t I have stayed home if I was “sick”. What kind of bullshit. This is why I don’t tell you when I can’t make it, cause saying “I don’t feel well” or “my muscles hurt so fucking much since last time that I can’t get up the stairs” isn’t enough. I have to be fucking absent from school. Fuck this, man.

And I can’t focus on anything cause I’m fucking SAD about everything and I miss my friend and I miss my boyfriend and I miss the familiarity I’ve gotten used to over he past 6 months and having at least once day in the week to look foreword to because I would feel irrationally calm and happy in the best way.

This week sucks butt. I just want it to be over.

I have to attend track everyday next week because I have my first meet at his school midway through the next week and I’m gonna die.

I wish they’d let us just run the distance instead of working out every fucking time. We need to actually run the distance at some point instead of doing drills, circuits, and workouts all the time. Track practice feels fucking useless.

I can’t believe how shitty the timing is. Like, I LITERALLY. JUST. SETTLED. Ugh I wish we hadn’t broken up. I want to just wake up one day and everything is back to normal and I feel like wearing makeup and showering and washing my face and looking after myself again. I want to get all excited to talk on the phone and get excited choosing what I’m going to wear. I want it with him though. Xavier was so sweet and funny and we were so different but I thought it was okay because we got along so well but I guess we just wanted different things, but really we didn’t. I want what he wants, minus the “being single” part but I can’t FUCKING have it because of my FUCKING family. I can’t have traditional dates where I get picked up cause I’m ashamed of where I live, and I can’t have him meet my parents because of my stupid religion and I can’t just go on dates whenever because my dad refuses to accept that I’m growing up. I don’t want my dad to be lonely but I also don’t want to be reminded everytime that I go out with him that I’m a religious fuck up who’s gonna make him so so sad in a year and a half. Or that I’m fucking property.

All the shit that’s in my life became so apparent so fast this week and I’m NOT here for it. I want to ignore everything and everyone forever.

I hate the state my brain is always in. Even before Xavier broke up with me, it took me so long to get up in the morning because of the overwhelming DREAD that surrounded getting up. Even on weekends. I just never wanted to be awake. Being awake entails being conscious and having to do something. When I’m asleep, I don’t have to face anyone or anything. I’m so sick of dreading being concious all the time.

Fuck this week. Fuck my brain. Life is meaningless and humans suck.

09/04/2019

[sanderssides-fics]

Artist part 2 of however many I want cause logic with tattoos is amazing.

Pairing: Analogical and primo Tw: 0 Plot: part two of: https://sanderssides-fics.tumblr.com/post/159737973767/artist @analogically-prinxiety @the-prince-and-the-emo @logic-sanders _______666________

Logic sat up and cracked his back and rolled his shoulders while giving the person he was working with a break from the tattoo gun. He had been working on this one tattoo for 7 hours. It was a heart with very intricate designed wings where every feather was a different colour, inside the heart were dates one from 10 years ago and one for 5 months ago.  The man had said he was getting it for his wife, she passed away 5 months ago from a cancer.

The man didn’t mind how long it took and Logan knew this meant a lot to him so he was doing his best work. Shading the heart and making sure to go over the yellow parts twice so that it wouldn’t fade and then wiped it down before placing gel over it “Okay we’re done” Logan smiled and the man thanked him a lot before leaving to go pay at the front. $12,000 that guy paid for the tattoo. Half went to logan the other to shop and his receptionist.

When he finally got home he found Anxiety in his room, looking a little tired. “You’re late again” Anxiety said sternly, clearly not impressed with his boyfriend. 

“I’m sorry baby, I was making a really cool tattoo” Logic tries to apologize as he sits next to Anxiety before biting his lip as Anxiety kisses his neck. Anxiety smirked leaving a few hickeys as he leads up Logic’s neck and kisses him making Logic smile and pin him to the bed by his hips. Anxiety made a small noise but kept quiet. It wasn’t ten minutes before Morality’s Saturday breakfast alarm went off.

He always made everyone breakfast so he got up at 4 am on Saturday to make them extremely special breakfast. However, Logic and Anxiety didn’t hear the alarm go off and their heated make out session continued. Logic still wearing his long sleeve dress shirt, so when Morality opened Anxiety’s door to check on him he was surprised to see the two lip- locked but he didn’t see Logan’s tattoos.

Anxiety gasps pulling away seeing morality, both blushing harshly while Logic sits next to Anxiety and fixes his glasses. Morality was frozen staring at the other traits. “Dad we…” Anxiety started but the Dorr closed and morality went downstairs like nothing happened at all.

“That was a perfect example of Awkward” Logic spoke and Anxiety rubbed his face, he didn’t know how Morality was taking this and he didn’t know when morality would mention it. It scared him slightly,  if Roman found out it would be all over the Internet faster than Anxiety could sass him.

“Yeah… it was.” He said quietly before Logan and him laid down for at least a few hours of sleep. They woke up to the meal siren Morality installed, and groaned rubbing their eyes. When they got to the kitchen they noticed that Prince was already there with Morality, Prince was covered in pancake batter ingredients, while morality looked a little messed up too.

Prince smiled “morning you two” He was a little too chirpy for them. Anxiety sat in his usual spot and goy himself some pancakes with chocolate chips because Morality made them special for him all the time. Logan sat across from him ate some yogurt with fruit like he loved.

“So logic, you missed the Disney movie last night where were you” Roman asked and logic tilted his head.

“Disney night is on wednesday, it’s only Tuesday right?” He asks really confused.

“No its Thursday” Roman corrected and Logan looked like he broke before he sunk out of the scene. Yesterday was Anxiety and his 3 year anniversary and he didn’t know. Morality looked at Anxiety curiously.

“Why are you looking at me? Jeez, don’t freaking stare me” Anxiety snapped annoyed.

“Don’t give me lip, you gave Logan enough already” Morality said in all seriousness making Prince confused and Anxiety beet red before he also sunk away. Leaving prince and Morality…alone

“Xie I’m so sorry I missed our anniversary, but I can make it up to you.” Logic frantically spike as Anxiety rose up and the younger made a face that meant ‘Go On’ “What if we go to my shop and I can give you another tattoo and I can give you a lesson on how to use the tattoo-gun?” Anxiety perked at Logan’s words and hugged him suddenly making the elder grin. “Is that a yes?” He asks and Anxiety nods before Logan made them sink down and back up in the parlour. Anxiety smiled loving the place and followed Logan to a chair.

Anxiety looked at all the designs around the room, A dragon like Logan’s but black caught his eye. “Loge, can I have that one on my collar wrapping around to my shoulder blade?” Anxiety asked with eyes that could melt Logan’s heart.

“That will hurt a lot, are you sure?” He asked and Anxiety nodded before Logan went to get a copy of the design in a good size and molded it to Anxiety. “What colour?”

“Just black but the whisker things, can they be red?” He asked and Logan nodded before kissing Anxiety gently and started to get to work, Anxiety gripped the arms of the chair tightly and tears brimmed his eyes but soon enough he got used to it and relaxed. What he didn’t know was Logan had a small part of his concious mind in Imagination Works to obtain something he knew Anxiety would love.

They took a break half way through and anxiety smiled at what had been done, Logan had added the eyes to match Anxiety’s in colour and the whiskers were a scarlet red and made a nice contrast against the Onyx and Charcoal dragon. They spent the next hour with Logan teaching Anxiety how to set up all the equipment for the tattoo-gun. After Anxiety knew it all and was able to set it up on his own, Logan continued on Anxiety’s tattoo again. They finished 3 hours later. It was 6 pm now and Anxiety was in pain but was smiling at the results of the new tattoo.

Logan loved when Anxiety smiled because he never saw it that often. Anxiety seemed to be becoming more confident with every tattoo he got. Logan couldn’t blame him though because it worked the same for him.

“Do you want to go get dinner? We could go to that little diner you love” Logan offers and Anxiety nods and walks with his boyfriend out of the parlour after they put gel and a cover on his tattoo before his shirt and sweater again. Anxiety loved the diner because it had a goth theme and they served great food for low prices. Logan was smiling as they arrived, he didn’t mind the place becayse Anxiety was so comfortable.  They had come here so much they didn’t even half to order, the food was just brought to them.

Anxiety with a pizza-for-1 and Logan with a chicken-caesar-salad. Both ate quietly with the occasional small talk until Logan’s imagination completed the journey and he was able to retrieve what he had been searching for. 

“Over 3 years now, I’ve loved every moment of it. I’m sorry for being late.” Logan spoke and Anxiety shrugged mumbling a ‘stuff happens’. Logan got up acting like he was just going to sit next to Anxiety in the booth and then pretended to trip on to one knee.

“You’re never clumsy, what’s going on?” Anxiety questioned before noticing Logan’s stance. His face heats up as Logan pulls out the black velvet box and pops it open.

“Xie I’ve loved you for almost 20 years now but only have known what love is as an emotion for 4 of those. It took me a year and a royal boy to ask you here in the first place and 3 years for me to ask you this now. You’re dark, you’re emo, you’re completely illogical at times but I love all of those about you. Your smile is brighter than any nebula metaphorically, your heart is strong and kind leading me to love you more and more every minute of every day. I wish to always have you in my life as what I may refer to as mine, Anxiety Sanders will you marry me?” Logic asked and anxiety was silent for a second before tackling logan fully on to the floor.

“yes; oh my chemical-romance yes!” Anxiety said the happiest Logan had ever heard him. Kissing all over Logic’s face they both smiled brightly while the workers clapped. They left after paying and sunk home and tried to walk silently but froze still silent at the sight of Morality and Prince recklessly making out in the Commons with Lion King 2 on the TV.  Anxiety snickered and ran to his room with Logic on his heels.  

They closed Anxiety’s door and laughed gently before cuddling into the others arms and falling asleep content, Anxiety was very happy though,  Logan was his forever and he was Logan’s.