#I only have two fics so far and they’re both TFP related

[possiblyimbiassed]

What happened to Sherlock? Part VIII - The Sign of the Hetero Norm (1)

Why does Mary Morstan play such a prominent role in BBC Sherlock? 

I’m surely not the only one asking myself this; while she’s barely mentioned in canon after marrying Watson, she’s all over the place from TEH and onwards in Mofftiss’ adaptation. And when I recently read this excellent fic by @discordantwords, a couple of things dawned on me, that I think have been brewing in my mind for quite some time. Which brings me to the long promised continuation of my marathon meta series about what I think we’re actually seeing in this show. Because the entire point of Mary Morstan seems to be to prevent Sherlock and John from getting together in a romantic relationship - a story of hetero norm. This eighth installment will explore the ‘case’ of little Rosie, and the role she and her mother plays in this show. 

This far I’ve published an intro and seven installments, each with corresponding attempts to test my hypotheses:

Introduction - The game is on (explains the method of analysis) Part I - Blog vs TV-show Part II - Re-living memories Part III - Drugs and weirdness Part IV – Heartbreak and coma (1) Part IV – Heartbreak and coma (2) Part V – Bizarre scenarios Part VI - Live and let die (1) Part VI - Live and let die (2)

Part VII - The Importance of Being Earnest (1) 

Part VII - The Importance of Being Earnest (2)

This installment will also be parted in two, and the second half can be found here (X). Many of the screen caps from BBC Sherlock in this meta are from Kissthemgoodbye.net - thanks! And thanks also to Ariane DeVere for the incredibly useful transcripts!

My next hypotheses is, in and off itself, a clear and straightforward prediction that can be explicitly verified or falsified once we finally get to S5, so it will be extra fun to see what happens with it in future: 

Hypothesis #8: John is not the father of Mary’s baby

(Disclaimer: My suspicion here only concerns John’s biological offspring. It would still be possible that John, and perhaps also Sherlock, might father the child - if it exists - by adoption. It does not exclude a metaphorical reading where the baby represents, for example, Sherlock’s and John’s relationship. I also want to stress that this hypothesis is an attempt at logical reasoning based on observations in the show and in ACD canon; it’s not meant to be ‘gossipy’ and has nothing to do with whether I would actually like to see this happen or not - that’s a whole other story. ;) )  

This hypothesis has been brewing in my mind for quite some time now, but I don’t think it’s just a hunch; there are actually a series of reasons that have made me come to this conclusion. 

(Continued under the cut)

But first of all: can we debunk my hypothesis at this stage in the story, by testing it ‘scientifically’? Well, not really, since the show doesn’t provide any reliable evidence that confirms John as Rosie’s biological father. Not even IRL would this have been possible without a DNA-test (or without physical circumstances that would have made any other option impossible). And the only thing that the show tells us about human DNA-tests is that not even this procedure is 100% reliable, as shown in ASIB:

JOHN: You were dead on a slab. It was definitely you. IRENE: DNA-tests are only as good as the records you keep. JOHN: And I bet you know the record-keeper. IRENE: I know what he likes, and I needed to disappear.

DNA is brought up in TGG (Ian Monkford’s blood) and again in TST (the identification of Charlie Wellsborough’s body), but since John’s fatherhood is never questioned in the show, little Rosie is never tested, as far as we know. The remaining evidence that speaks for John being the father is circumstantial: that John and Mary obviously must have been living together at the approximate time of conception. And that they both act as if they’re both Rosie’s parents.

So I guess that in order to get any further with this, I’ll have to start at the other end, analysing the characters and see if I can find evidence that support my hypothesis - on a textual level as well as metaphorically and on the meta level. 

Mary’s function in the story

I think we can safely say that Mary is the most controversial character of BBC Sherlock. Some viewers love her, others hate her, but I can’t recall anyone claiming to feel indifferent towards her. Mofftiss have indeed managed to push forward a character who is hardly even visible in canon, once she’s married to Watson. In BBC Sherlock, however, Mary totally dominates the show from HLV and onwards. Her appearances may have been increasing in numbers and length already from her introduction in TEH. But from the point where John wakes up in HLV, there isn’t a single case where she’s not somehow involved. Up until TFP, everything is about ’Mary’. And even then, once we might have believed we’d got rid of the ghost of this hijacking protagonist, she comes back, only to once again take over the narrative with a weird and basically inexplicable voiceover. She seems like some kind of obsession; a brain ghost stuck on someone’s mind.

This is rather different from ACD canon, where Mary Morstan has extremely few lines as soon as she’s no longer a client, but Watson’s wife. Personally I find it hard to see the lovable aspect of this character in BBC Sherlock, since she constantly shifts appearance, behaviour and motivation; it’s almost impossible to pin down who she actually is. Which makes me convinced that Mary is not meant to be a real, believable character that we can relate to as such - at least not all the time. And maybe that goes for canon as well.

But what then is the purpose of her, what’s Mary’s actual function in the narrative, looking at the subtext? I think there’s basically three of them, and by no means mutually exclusive:

1. Mary is a metaphor for heteronormativity and its power over people when they internalise it

2. Mary is a façade or ‘beard’, where a straight marriage is established to cover up a story of a gay relationship

3. Mary is a mirror for Sherlock; by substituting himself with a female spouse for John, Sherlock can be with John ‘by proxy’, trying to figure out John without having to face his own real problem: reveal his emotions and risk failure.

As soon as Mary firmly puts her foot in the show, it all becomes a spectacle, a demonstration of how to keep up a straight facade at any cost. After TSoT, no-one ever assumes John and Sherlock are a romantic couple; Mary is the ultimate ’proof’ that John is indeed straight. Which is of course illogical, because why would a bi person stop being it because they married someone, no matter of which sex? Mary admits it herself by telling Sherlock that ”neither of us was the first, you know”. And Sherlock complains that John is dancing around Sholto ”like a puppet” even after the wedding ceremony. But in all the episodes after TSoT, John is happily freed from people’s assumptions regarding his sexual orientation. Gone are all the gay jokes, and John Watson is miraculously ‘cured’. 

I think this is perfectly illustrated in the fic by @discordantwords​ that I mentioned above. The plot follows logically on TFP, as things would be if everything we’ve seen from HLV and onwards is actually meant to be ‘true’. Mary is now dead and John lives alone with little Rosie. For a case, in order to get close to the suspects, Sherlock is planning to fake his own wedding with Janine Hawkins, and John is feeling jealous and excluded – especially when he finds out that one of the murders that Sherlock is investigating had involved a wedding of a gay couple:

"Why all of this, then?" he asked. He tipped his head towards the kitchen, where Janine was fiddling with the kettle. "I could have just—wouldn't it have been easier for us to just—?"

"You're not gay," Sherlock said.

"Well," John paused. "No." He cleared his throat, looked back at the wall. "But everyone already thinks we're a couple. Wouldn't be that much of a stretch, really. For a case."

"No one has thought that for quite some time."

This fanfic rings perfectly true to me, considering S4 on the surface level; John and Sherlock appearing as a couple wouldn’t work after John’s own wedding in TSoT. Because gone is now every allusion to John being anything else than straight. Gone is also John’s admiration for Sherlock; from HLV and on, he hardly ever even speaks about Sherlock in a positive way. (Which also makes me wonder: was ‘The Fall’ also about Sherlock feeling he had fallen from John’s pedestal of admiration?). For the rest of the show, it’s only Sherlock whom we see suffering from (presumably) gay pining. It’s only in Sherlock’s Victorian imagination that Moriarty tells them to ’elope’ together, while John in TLD is shown to be exclusively fixed on his dead wife. 

On the surface, Sherlock seems to support John’s relationship with Mary, while I’m sure he is actually suffering deeply. But I think, metaphorically, that Sherlock is acting like some kind of self-sacrificing Christ figure. (Don’t forget Irene’s words from ASiB: “I think you’re damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it’s yourself”). He bears the ‘cross’ of torture by seeing John with someone else, until he can’t stand it any more and trashes himself on drugs. This is what we see at the beginning of TEH, John holding hands with a woman in front of Sherlock’s grave:

Why can’t we see Mary’s face already here? I think it’s because this is from Sherlock’s POV; he’s either seeing or imagining them from behind. She might have a hidden face but a familiar shape because by the time Sherlock is recalling this, he already knows what Mary looks like. But at this point in time, maybe he didn’t? In any case, it must be devastating for Sherlock to see or imagine John with someone else, when he should be there to mourn him, Sherlock. 

Thinking about John with Mary, Sherlock can’t even sleep. He is tortured on a cross and dies for all our ’sins’, doesn’t he? On the meta level Sherlock Holmes sacrifices his life, he extinguishes his true self, in the name of heteronormativity. So that John can have his straight marriage, even if it’s dysfunctional. But our worst ’sin’ as an audience, I believe - our ultimate mistake - is to buy into this narrative without questioning it. That’s literally letting the hetero norm rule.

King David the Adulterer

Mary’s ex-boyfriend David is introduced in TSoT, but after this episode he never shows up again. But this seems very random to me; why is David even there, and why is he depicted as some kind of rival to John? What is his narrative purpose? David is often blurred out in the scenes, but he is definitely present during the whole wedding reception, where his role is to be an usher (showing people their places/seats). David gives the impression to be single, since he attends Mary’s wedding without any partner as company.

Sherlock, who meets David alone at 221B during the wedding planning, deduces that he still seems to have an intimate relationship with Mary. Only recently I discovered this meta from 2014 called The Baby Problem by @abitnotgood​, which brings up pretty much exactly the same suspicions I have had for quite some time now. The main points are the following:

Mary was dating David for 2 of the totally 5 years she had been undercover with the false name Mary.

They’re still close enough friends for David to attend the wedding, which might indicate their breakup was unwanted from one or both parts.

Mary’s reactions during the wedding reception indicates that she still cares for David.

Sherlock finds out that David has “offered to be her shoulder to cry on no less than three occasions.” 

David sits at the same table as most other major characters, which indicates that he’s important.

David doesn’t look particularly happy while toasting for the bride and groom.

To these I could also add that Sherlock gets so suspicious about David that he threatens him with keeping a close eye on his whereabouts with Mary. From a story telling POV, when a character is suspected by the main character who is a genius detective, there should actually be some reason for this - shouldn’t it?

So who is David? Does he appear anywhere in canon? I actually think he does. In ACD’s short story The Crooked Man (CROO), the name David plays a symbolical role. The story is about a (supposed) murder of a middle-aged military officer, colonel James Barclay. It’s a classical Sherlock Holmes mystery with a door locked from the inside and the key missing. The death seems to originate from a domestic quarrel between the colonel and his wife. (Which is particularly interesting considering the Watsons’ ‘domestic’ in HLV). 

Turns out the colonel died of fright when he saw his old rival Henry Wood, whom he had betrayed in the war and deliberately left to be captured by the enemy. Henry was repeatedly tortured and crippled and held prisoner for many years, until he could escape back to London and a coincidence brought his old love interest in his way, who was now married to the colonel. (Hmm... tortured by the enemy. Been away. Love interest married. Does this seem like anyone we know? ;) ). Henry was “the crooked man” of the story, who was bereft of his loved one because of James. 

But the name David was mystically uttered by Colonel Barclay’s wife while quarreling with her husband - why? Holmes claimed it was a biblical reference to the drama of king David, Batsheba and Uriah. King David committed adultery with the beautiful Bathsheba, who was married to his soldier Uriah. Bathsheba got pregnant after sleeping with David, while Uriah was out fighting a war. David tried to cover up that fact by sending Uriah home, but Uriah refused to leave his comrades. Then David betrayed his rival Uriah the same way James betrayed Henry: by deliberately leaving him exposed to the enemy. The only difference was that Uriah died on the battlefield, while Henry was caught and crippled. Which leads us almost inevitably to Captain John Watson - he is a soldier who was crippled by the enemy too, wasn’t he? ;)

What about Rosie?

Although Mary is dominating the show from TEH and forwards, John’s and Mary’s daughter - little Rosie - is subjected to the opposite treatment; she has very little screen time, and we never learn about a single character trait of hers. In ACD canon the Watsons never had a child, as far as I know. And – even in Victorian times – I believe it would have seemed strange with the Doctor spending so much of his free time (besides work) together with Holmes, obviously neglecting his family duties. So since Mofftiss have introduced a totally new ingredient to their adaptation - a time-consuming baby - one would think this has to have a clear purpose, right? I would have expected Rosie to play a part of her own, someone the audience could relate to just like the other characters, if only still a baby. 

But instead, Rosie is seen most of all as an obstacle. Mary is balancing her while discussing a case with Sherlock. Rosie is handed over to John like a sack of potatoes when the family goes on to solve a case with Sherlock; she doesn’t make a sound and we don’t even see her little face. We see John change Rosie’s diaper once (basically to show that he has a toy daisy behind his ear, which is apparently a good flirting device), and then we see Sherlock trying to babysit her at 221B, getting hit in the eye by her toy. We also hear her cry in the background once, and see Molly hold her once. And that’s about it. 

When Sherlock texts them from the London Aquarium at the end of TST, Mary and John debate which of them is going to have to stay with the baby, but finally both of them show up at the Aquarium – without Rosie. And this happens not long after Mary has taken a ‘little trip’ around Eurasia ending up in Morocco and John and Sherlock going after her – little Rosie staying at home. Which means weeks without any of her parents. If S4 were real, I’d feel truly sorry for little Rosie.

In TLD, Rosie is more absent than her dead mother! While Mary haunts the episode, all we hear about the baby is John’s tremendous guilt for neglecting and abandoning her (which he manages to do completely). John does seem to have enough spare time and energy to go on another case with Sherlock, though, in the middle of his therapy session. At the end of TLD, all is supposedly fine again with Rosie (until John gets shot with a tranquiliser), but we never get to see it. But then in TFP John goes on a long journey with Sherlock to a far away island, and not a word about Rosie. She’s not even present when John receives Mary’s DVD at home. At the end she’s suddenly there again, though, without any comment. 

Based on this, it doesn’t seem farfetched to ask if this little character is even supposed to be real. There’s a subtle hint in TLD which could point in this skeptic direction: 

Sherlock: “And, of course, I hadn’t really anticipated that I’d hallucinated meeting his daughter.” “Still a bit troubled by the daughter. Did seem very real, and she gave me information I couldn’t have acquired elsewhere.” 

John: “But she wasn’t ever here?”

An earlier quote from TGG could also question John’s fatherhood: ”Of course he’s not the boy’s father - look at the turnups on his jeans!” (Sherlock while watching telly with John in TGG, right after the fourth ‘pip’).

And - of course - if S4 is all imaginary, only happening in Sherlock’s head, Rosie would probably not even have been born yet. 

There are also some more subtle hints about Rosie’s narrative function: John’s guilt about cheating on Mary in TLD is connected to the baby. John specifically mentions that he was “cheating” on Mary while she was taking care of Rosie: JOHN (to Ghost!Mary): “We texted constantly. You wanna know when? Every time you left the room, that’s when.  When you were feeding our daughter; when you were stopping her from crying – that’s when.” This does make the (otherwise rather exaggerated) texting affair sound a bit more damning for John, doesn’t it? ;)  If this is all taking place inside Sherlock’s head, it might rather reflect one of Sherlock’s (possibly) major excuses to himself for not confessing his true feelings to John; it might (once the baby is born) disrupt a whole family and affect an innocent little child.

John and Mary’s relationship

The other day I took to re-watch this little piece of extra material from S4: statements by Martin Freeman and Amanda Abbington about John’s and Mary’s relationship (X). Every time I see this video I’m just laughing so hard. Please don’t miss how Martin is struggling to keep a straight face without smiling, after claiming “they’ve been through stuff already in S3 that would test any couple.” (Yep. Like the discovery that Mary is actually a contract killer who shot his best friend and hasn’t even revealed her real name to John). Or how Amanda avoids looking at the camera when she’s lying talking about Mary’s feelings towards John, closing her eyes and shaking her head. Great acting! :)

I mean, this cannot even be intended to fool anyone; I think this is meant to signal to the audience that the marriage we’re seeing is a dishonest, superficial construction made up of empty words. It’s very similar to the scene in HLV where Sherlock tells John about his ‘relationship’ with Janine. Platitudes like “we’re in a good place” are not only included, but also called out in the very same dialogue. John: “You got that from a book!”  Sherlock: “Everyone got that from a book!”. In the video clip, overly sweet violin music is playing when Martin and Amanda talk about their characters’ supposed deep love for each other, but this is mixed up with sitcom-like scenes where this love is made very hard to believe in, like Mary about to give birth in the car and roaring to her husband to pull over, or John telling Mary that he simply intends to forget about a recent past where she very nearly murdered his best friend.  

John’s marriage actually seems terrible from start; he can’t even keep himself off Sherlock’s blog comments during his own honeymoon. Which I believe is canon consistent; in ACD’s stories Mary Morstan even encourages Watson to never leave Holmes’ side. And the bad marriage is also confirmed in HLV by Wiggins’ and Sherlock’s deductions about John’s cycling to work and keeping his shirts ‘folded and ready to leave’ at any moment.

But what’s Mary’s position in this? Let’s say, as a mental experiment, that she knows from start about John’s feelings for Sherlock. Why would she want to be together with, and even go on to marry, a man who is obviously in love with someone else? Well, while I don’t buy the facade-climbing Ninja!Mary who tries to kill Sherlock in HLV, she could still be dishonest in her approach to John. She could still be on some sort of mission related to Sherlock, where her role simply is to get in between John and Sherlock, while she actually is together with someone else (and even carrying that someone’s child). Her aim could be to hurt Sherlock as much as possible, for a specific reason. 

As far as I see in TEH, Mary seems suspiciously eager to befriend Sherlock. Instead of behaving like one would expect from someone in love who just got their special moment ruined by a rival; with anger or at least annoyance, and of course supporting the beloved - Mary immediately sides with Sherlock.

And she seems to side with him most of all on an intellectual level, taking part in his explanations of how he managed to fake his death.

“Oh, he would have needed a confidant...”

So - what can we deduce about Mary?

If everything we see in the show after TSoT only has happened inside Sherlock’s head (as I’ve tried to make a case for in this meta series), from this follows logically that in Sherlock’s ‘reality’, there is no Assasin!Mary, no SecretAgent!Mary, no Martyr!Mary and - of course - no Ghost!Mary. Because up until the wedding, Mary seemed to be just an ordinary woman. The character’s appearance from HLV and onwards would all be fabrications of Sherlock’s drug-influenced mind, albeit loaded with a lot of metaphorical meaning from his subconscious. 

But Mary still seems to exist on some level, doesn’t she? She is referred to by John on his blog, talked about by other people on the blog (including Sherlock), and she even makes comments on it on no less than ten occasions. On the blog, John is clear about getting married to Mary. And after Sherlock’s final blog post ‘The Sign of Three’, it also gets obvious that Mary is now pregnant. 

And – most importantly – if S4 is all-fake, this also means that in Sherlock’s ‘reality’, Mary’s drama-loaded death in TST never happened. Mary is still alive! So if Mary is a ‘façade’, a ‘beard’ and/or a mirror for Sherlock on a meta- and sub-textual level, who is she on the textual level? Well, I think there are some clues in the show, and also a lot of subtext material in ACD canon to draw from, which might have been developed into actual story line in the show.  

And this will bring us to the second half of this meta, which you can find here (X).

Tagging some people who might be interested: @raggedyblue​ @ebaeschnbliah​ @sarahthecoat​ @gosherlocked​ @loveismyrevolution​ @sagestreet​​ @tjlcisthenewsexy​​ @elldotsee​​ @88thparallel​​ @devoursjohnlock​​ @sherlock-overflow-error​​ @yeah-oh-shit​

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey Steph! I absolutely love your page! Do you have any PTSD related fluff? like Johns having nightmares so Sherlock goes to comfort him and they both know but don’t mention it?

Anonymous said to inevitably-johnlocked: I was wondering if you knew of a johnlock fanfic which has john having PTSD or other war-related problems, and sherlock either helps him get through it or john comes to sherlock in the middle of the night like a child asking if he can sleep with (not that kind) sherlock so the nightmares will stop. If you do, great. If not, that’s fine too :)

Hi Nonnies!!

I don’t know if you’re the same Nonny or not, but since they’re both the same-ish, I’m putting them on the same ask, LOL!

So I HAVE done a list in the past for PTSD, and because I have a few new fics, I’m gonna make a part 2 list! Hopefully you’ll find something you’re looking for on one of the two lists I have!

NIGHTMARES, PTSD, PANIC ATTACKS, & MENTAL or EMOTIONAL TURMOIL (Pt. 2)

See also: Nightmares, PTSD, Panic Attack, & Mental / Emotional Turmoil

Better Late Than Never by sussexbound (NR (T), 3,021 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4 / TFP Doesn’t Exist, Sherlock POV, Love Confessions, Drunk Sherlock / Sober John, John Takes Care of Sherlock, First Kiss, Jealous Sherlock, Emotional Turmoil) – He suddenly wants John Watson out of his bedroom, out of his flat, out of his life, because he has been lying to himself these last few months, he realises. He doesn’t want John here, not with the way things are. He doesn’t want 221b Baker Street to be nothing more than rest stop John returns to on his journeys between women. He doesn’t want to play co-parent if Rosie is going to be snatched away from him and placed in the arms of whatever nameless woman du jour John lands on next. He doesn’t want to keep being so careful, so generous, so, so…

Welcome Home, John by slashscribe (G, 5,504 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S3, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Awkwardness, Stabbed Sherlock, Protective Sherlock, Panic Attack (Sherlock), Self Esteem Issues, Love Confessions, First Kiss) – When John moves back to 221B, he thinks he’s the broken one, but after a while, it becomes clear that he might not be correct.

What Did I Do Wrong? by Starlight05 (T, 7,880 w., 5 Ch. || Hurt Comfort, Angst, John Whump, Hospitalization, Worried Sherlock, Emotional Turmoil, Nightmares, Sherlock Being Dumb) - After John almost dies on a case, Sherlock disappears. So John is left to figure out what he can do to get his best friend back. Meanwhile Sherlock, guilt-ridden and willingly alone, is doing everything he can to stay away.

London Gods by a_different_equation (E, 11,092 w., 5 Ch. || American Gods Fusion || Magical Realism, Sex Magic, True Love, PTSD John, First Kiss/Time, Marathon Sex, Sensuality, Genie Sherlock, Human John, Internalized Homophobia, Star-Crossed Lovers, Soul Mates) – Sherlock Holmes is a jinn who does not grant wishes. However, when Dr. John H. Watson, recently returned from the war in Afghanistan, gets into his cab by “accident”, it might not even need magic to grant both men their deepest wish: love.

The Palmyra Atoll by elwinglyre (E, 16,609 w., 3 Ch. || TSo3 Divergence / Episode Fix-It, Stockholm Syndrome, Kidnapped John Watson, John Whump, Evil Mary, Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Toplock, Limited 3rd John POV) – As John’s preparing for the wedding, Sherlock is preparing to have his heart broken, and Mary is prepared to do the unthinkable. Intervention required. Enter Sherlock. Set before Sign of Three with a far different outcome. John is drugged, kidnapped, and left on an island, but not just any old island.

Silhouettes by allonsys_girl (E, 28,585 w., 7 Ch. || Canon Compliant, POV John, Heavy Drinking, Sad/Depressed John, Grief/Mourning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Reunion, Foot Jobs, Blow Jobs, Infidelity, Cheating, Drug Use/Abuse, Anal, Switchlock, Rimming, Parentlock) – Sherlock and John find comfort in each other’s arms, but as ever with these two, it’s not your typical relationship. It’s fluffy at the beginning, gets deeply angsty in the middle, gets porny at the end.

To Mend Icarus by AlessNox (T, 29,186 w., 14 Ch. || Post-TRF, Friendship, Drama, BAMF!John, Emotional Turmoil, Introspection, Harry is in this Fic, Angry John, Happy Ending, Queerplatonic Relationship) – After a case lands John Watson in court, he tells Sherlock that he is leaving. Not understanding why, Sherlock decides that the only way to learn the truth is to investigate his flatmate, Dr. John Watson. A revision of the story Mending Icarus.

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w., 16 Ch. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because…new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride… prepare for blast off. Part 1 of the SpaceBois go to Space series

The Thing Is by TSylvestris (E, 56,743 w., 21 Ch. || Case Fic, Dev. Rel., Anal/Oral, Blow Jobs, Meddling Mycroft, Drama, Romance, Humour, Casual Encounters, Pining Idiots, Possessive Sherlock, Orgasm Delay, Rough / Alley Sex, Public Sex, John Whump, Drugged John, Emotional Love Making, Awkward Relationship, Marriage of Convenience, Switchlock, BAMF John) – The problem with living with Sherlock, John thought, was that you never, never, ever knew the significance of anything. Like your flatmate’s nose buried in your hair. Whilst you’re in bed. Part 1 of Nitroglycerine

The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w., 24 Ch. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn’t have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again.

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he’s consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (CanadaHolm) (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.

The Cost of a Wish by slashscribe (E, 102,493 w., 12 Ch. || xxxHolic Fusion || Spirits / Ghosts and Magic, Love Confessions, Slow Burn, Soul Mates / Fated Lovers, Adventure, Immortal Sherlock, Powerful John, POV John, Frottage, Wish Granting, Angst with Happy Ending, Nightmares) – John has been plagued by a secret his entire life that has made him feel hopeless until he meets a mysterious, seemingly omniscient man named Sherlock Holmes who owns a wish-granting shop. Their meeting sets off a series of inevitable events that will change the course of both of their lives forever.

Two Two One Bravo Baker by abundantlyqueer (E, 114,574 w., 27 Ch. || Military AU || Afghanistan, War Story, Thriller) – Captain John Watson of 40 Commando, the Royal Marines, is assigned to protect and assist Sherlock Holmes as he investigates what appears to be a simple war atrocity in Afghanistan. An intense attraction ignites between the two men as they uncover a conspiracy that threatens everything they’ve ever known, but Sherlock is as much hunted as hunter, and everyone close to him is in deadly danger. Can he solve the case in time to save himself and John? Part 1 of Two Two One Bravo Baker Universe

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

[roseymoseyberry]

Empty (one-shot)

Heyyy, guess who’s here on this Halloween to bring you my one and only attempt at horror fic. *finger guns*

This fic is inspired by Haru’s headcanon post over here about empties along with some discussion we had about the idea. Also I suppose it’s in line with her Ghost of the Machine writing challenge.

But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read the tags. I know my writing tagline is p much “Ok but it’s Rosey so you know it will have a happy ending” BUT that is not the case for this fic. It’s a bad sad time, y’all. So please read the tags and make sure you only read if you’re up for it. Don’t force yourself lmao.

Title: Empty

Series: Pre-TFP but altered so there are more members of Team Prime that I picked kinda at random.

Ship(s): Up to you if it’s OP/Ratch or OP&Ratch. It’s written v vaguely in that regard.

Tags/warnings: Aims to be horror (somewhere between Alien and Until Dawn in inspiration), starving, robot body-horror, robot gore, loss of self, brief mention of suicide, and major character death. Also it’s written in present tense, the spookiest tense of them all. Also I cried while writing this.

“We have visual confirmation,” Perceptor announces, his tone giving little of his own emotions away. Bulkhead and Bumblebee are huddled behind him, peeking at his screen. However, when Perceptor looks up from the screen, his optics seek out Optimus. “It’s Ratchet’s vessel.”

A hope that Optimus had not let himself entertain when the craft was first spotted now blooms unbidden in his chest.

Nearly two years have passed. Two years since the team had been formed. Two years since he had been forced to split the team into two small vessels to make the trek.  Two years since Ratchet assured Optimus that he could keep the second vessel’s crew in line and they would converge on Earth.

Two years since he had scoffed at Optimus’s concern.

“I’ll just be a call away.”

Two years since the Decepticon attack separated the twin vessels and no attempts at communication could reveal the location or fate of their companions.

Two years that now stain the new hope with long-held dread.

“Still no answer to our comms?”

“No,” Perceptor confirms. His digits race across his control panel. “Scans indicate that there is extensive damage to the hull where the communication hub is located, which I would suspect to be the cause. I would further hypothesize that the emergency beacon is the only component that was repaired.”

“So that means they’re alive, right?” Bulkhead asks hopefully. “Ratchet had to have fixed it up, so he and the rest of them gotta be alright.”

Bumblebee looks up at Optimus, more torn in his optimism and looking to the Prime for any indication of how he should feel.

The rapid beeping of the emergency beacon makes Optimus’s digits twitch.

“Perceptor, get us alongside their ship so we can board immediately.” 

It’s nearly silent inside the ship. Certainly no voices, no indications of movement or life. Only the hum of engines indicates that the ship is still functioning as Optimus enters the storage room of the ship.

It is also completely dark. The only light is coming from Optimus’s headlights, throwing long and deep shadows where it the light can’t reach.

“::This doesn’t look good,::” Bumblebee says, his whistling noises as quiet as he can make them.

“They could just be conserving energon,” Bulkhead points out, though his optimism sounds a bit desperate. “Staying in stasis while the ship runs on autopilot, y’know?”

::They should not be lacking for energon,:: Perceptor says over the comms from their vessel. ::They had the same supplies as we did.::

Optimus frowns as he steps in further. The storage room has some basic supplies, but there are only half the number of containers there should be. More worrying is that no matter where he looks, there isn’t a drop of energon to be seen.

“And yet it appears that Bulkhead is correct. There are no energon stockpiles in here.”

::How peculiar. I’m attempting to connect to the ship’s systems, so I should be able to throw some illumination on the topic soon.::

“Inform me as soon as you know anything.”

::Yes, Sir.::

The control center is illuminated by only the blinking lights of the main console, confirming Bulkhead’s theory that the ship is on autopilot. After a sweep of the room proves it to be just as lacking of any signs of the ship’s crew as the storage room, Optimus makes his way to the console, nudging it back to life and throwing bright blue light across the room as the screen lights up. It’s a simple map indicating the path the autopilot has taken and the last few weeks ahead to reach Earth.

“::Where is everyone?::”

“Gotta be stasis,” Bulkhead insists. “Should we check the habsuites, Optimus?”

“One moment,” Optimus replies, his optics never leaving the screen as he begins to type away, minimizing the map to search the database.

Before he can search it, however, another screen pops up. A folder with three audio files. The oldest is labelled ‘For Optimus’, the second oldest ‘don’t listen’, and the third simply ‘new file’.

“Perceptor?”

::Their systems are running minimally, so the connection program suite is offline. It will take me a some time to find a path into the systems to online them and properly connect.::

After a moment’s hesitation, Optimus releases the hardline in his wrist, connecting himself to the console to download the files.

“I will see if I can online them from here. Bulkhead, Bumblebee, check the habsuites together.”

“Yes, sir,” Bulkhead replies as he and Bumblebee head first for the door on the left.

Optimus has started scrolling through the ship’s logs when he starts the first audio file to play in his HUD.

“Hello, Optimus.”

Optimus’s spark stalls for a moment as he hears Ratchet’s voice for the first time in years.

“Hopefully you’ll never have to hear this. But, if I’m honest with myself, you will.” Ratchet soft chuckle is humorless and despondent, and Optimus feels the hope of before evaporating quickly from his grasp. The file is a year and a half old.

Before it continues though, Optimus is snapped from the growing horror by Bulkhead yelling.

“Scrap! Fraggin’—holy scrap. Jazz?!”

Optimus turns his helm, battle programming humming to life automatically, but by some small grace of fate, it isn’t needed. But he is quick to abandon the terminal to join Bulkhead where he is knelt on the ground by the now open door.

Jazz is laid across the barrier between rooms, half in and half out, and at such an angle that Optimus realizes he was likely leaned up against the door on the other side and fell when Bulkhead opened it. Bulkhead still looks startled and jittery, but he has Jazz propped up in his arms. Bumblebee is already in the habsuite, his lights panning across the room.

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker are finally revealed, curled together on a single berth. Bumblebee makes his way over and they shift as he beeps at them.

Three confirmed online. Optimus’s spark eases a bit.

Optimus crouches next to Bulkhead, watching the way that Jazz’s frame is sluggishly whirring back to consciousness. It’s slow going, and it gives Optimus time to note the state of his frame.

Jazz has never had a colorful paintjob, sticking to his usual contrasts of black and white. But even in the dim lights, Optimus can see that the blacks have faded to greys, and any color highlights are pale at best. He nearly looks completely uniform in the sickly grey shade. It’s only his visor and face that still makes him recognizable.

Worst still is when Jazz’s visor slowly onlines and it’s so, so dull.

There is no doubt, when Jazz’s words are too slurred to understand the first time and his left arm does not move, despite by all outside appearances looking uninjured, that he’s empty. Likely has been for a while, though exactly how long is beyond Optimus’s ability to ascertain.

Bulkhead is already digging into his subspace for a cube of energon.

“It’s alright, Jazz. We have you now,” Optimus says soothingly, placing his servo on Jazz’s shoulder and squeezing reassuringly. However, he can’t stay just yet, so he pushes to his pedes to follow after Bumblebee as he says to Bulkhead, “Be careful. While most processes will be slow, programs related to refueling will be fully functional, so he is likely to act quickly and possibly aggressively.”

“Gotcha,” Bulkhead replies, shifting Jazz to lean against his chest. It allows him to wrap an arm around Jazz’s back and hold his opposite shoulder, ready to restrain if necessary.

Bumblebee is already whirring softly to the twin warriors, pulling out a cube from subspace behind his back before revealing it. And, indeed, the moment the twins’ optics find the soft glow of energon, the slow grogginess of booting up is gone. Sunstreaker snatches it lightning-fast from Bumblebee’s grip, not bothering to remove the lid so much as simply bringing it up to his mouth and biting down to breech it.

Sideswipe, still energon-less, haphazardly scrambles over his brother, reaching out in desperation towards the now spooked Bumblebee.

“Please, please please please, give me one, I’m so empty, come on--!”

Optimus grasps him by the shoulder before Sideswipe can corner Bumblebee, pulling him back while holding out a cube of energon in his free servo. “It’s alright, Sideswipe,” Optimus says as the warrior practically claws at his Prime’s servo, pulling it to his mouth so he can start to desperately gulp down the cube. “We have enough energon. You’ll be refueled soon.”

Sideswipe has greyed like Jazz, the once vibrant red now just a slight tint. Sunstreaker has fared no better. And they both move wrong. They move like long-injured mecha, making up for where their frames have failed.

There’s no knowing how far their nanites have gotten in their self-cannibalization to extend their spark-lives. No doubt wiring has been eaten away beneath their plating.

As the three empty mecha slowly start to fill up, Optimus takes the opportunity to look around the room. While it is a habsuite, it looks more like an improvised med-bay. Each habsuite was only equipped with two berths, however here a third has been dragged into the space, and each has an energon-drip hanging by it. Even in the terrible lighting, it’s obvious they have run dry, and likely had some time ago given the state of the berth’s former occupants.

There’s no indication of a fourth occupant. Nor is there any explanation for why Jazz had been up against the door.

Optimus moves Sideswipe to sit back down on the berth next to his brother. Fortunately, he doesn’t seem to mind now that he’s fueling, docile in a way that Optimus has never seen the warrior. Optimus places a couple more cubes between the two, one of which is immediately picked up by Sunstreaker who again tears into it before beginning to gulp it down.

“They should be alright for now,” Optimus tells Bumblebee, trying to be reassuring. He wonders if it’s the scout’s first experience with empties. “Keep on optic on them, and once they’re finished take them back to the ship. Perceptor will need to begin treatment immediately.”

Optimus hopes that they made it in time. Frames can be fixed, or at least parts replaced when given the supplies and time. Processors and programming however are often impossible to ever truly mend.

Jazz has finished two cubes by the time that Optimus returns to where he’s leaning against Bulkhead. His visor is a little brighter now, able after a couple seconds to focus.

“Was startin’ to worry you weren’t gonna make it,” Jazz manages, his voice rough and still slurred, but now it’s at least intelligible.

“I cannot tell you how thankful I am that we finally found you.” Optimus crouches again, servo on Jazz’s shoulder, and he means it. It’s only the lingering uncertainty that keeps Optimus from embracing his sentimentality and holding his long lost friend close. “What has happened here?”

Jazz’s face pinches.

“It’s hard to remember.”

Bulkhead frowns deeply but doesn’t comment. Optimus nods and squeezes Jazz’s shoulder again.

“Don’t worry. Your memories should come back online soon enough. Can you at least tell me why you were against the door?”

Jazz’s helm tilts and several long seconds pass before he nods.

“I tried to leave, but it was locked.”

“Locked?” Bulkhead says, his ridges furrowing with concern. “But we opened the door just fine.”

“From the inside,” Jazz says. His visor dulls again as he frowns. “It was from the inside. He didn’t want us coming out. I realized… I realized that he had’ta be hiding something from us.”

Optimus’s spark clenches.

“You mean Ratchet.”

Jazz nods. “Did he tell ya?”

Bulkhead shifts awkwardly as he says, “We haven’t seen Ratchet yet.”

“He’s supposed to be out there,” Sunstreaker says suddenly from across the room. When Optimus looks over, Sunstreaker looks bewildered, as if he had just been told a fundamental universal truth is false. “Ratchet said he would be out there.”

Optimus feels the dread of before building in his chest.

“Bumblebee, Bulkhead. I need you two to take these three back to the ship.”

“::What about you?::” Bumblebee asks. Beside Optimus, Bulkhead is standing up, lifting Jazz as he does.

“I will check the rest of the ship and then join you,” Optimus explains as he moves towards the twins. Bumblebee already has an arm slung around Sunstreaker to help him up and Sideswipe is still docile, easily letting himself be lifted off the berth by Optimus’s servos. “Bulkhead, can you take Jazz and Sideswipe?”

“No problem, boss. But I think you should come back with us so we can explore the rest together,” Bulkhead suggests, the optimism of before clearly waned.

“That won’t be necessary.”

Neither Bulkhead nor Bumblebee look happy with the decision. And Optimus understands their concerns – the desolate ship was already starting to feel oppressive, and now upon discovering their comrades in the early stages of becoming empties, no doubt they are disheartened and concerned.

The fear that things will only become worse is palpable.

Still, they follow orders. They shoulder their fellow Autobots and lead them through the control room and towards the storage room.

Until Jazz’s helm lolls and he sees the console screen. It has switched back to the map in Optimus’s absence, likely a default while the ship is in autopilot. Jazz’s pedes stop moving, dragging along the floor when Bulkhead moves before realizing his comrade has stopped. “Come on, Jazz,” Bulkhead says, trying to mollify Jazz and get him moving again. However, Jazz does not.

His visor is transfixed on the map.

“But it’s wrong.”

Bulkhead looks to Optimus and, when the Prime nods, Bulkhead stops trying to tear Jazz away.

“You’ve been in stasis a long time, Jazz,” Optimus explains. “I’m sure it is jarring, but we are indeed nearly to Earth.”

Jazz doesn’t look at Optimus, though. He’s still staring at the map.

“No. It’s wrong. We can’t be here.”

“There isn’t enough energon,” Sunstreaker pipes up, still looking bewildered and now almost upset at the state of things. “Ratchet said we didn’t have enough to make it all the way. He said so. There isn’t enough.”

“Where’s Ratchet?” Sideswipes voice is small, impossibly soft for the mech that Optimus knew him to be.

There’s a knot forming in Optimus’s chest.

Jazz’s visor brightens, then, and his servos clench into fists.

“He didn’t take his share.”

That’s enough to set Sunstreaker off. He’s suddenly yanking himself from Bumblebee’s hold, optics flickering and flashing as he yells, “No! Ratchet said he would drink it! He said so! He said he would be here and drink it!”

Jazz, at least, stays in one place. He looks shell-shocked, but there’s a knowing look on his face, and understanding. Whatever it is, it means that Bulkhead can release him and wrangle Sunstreaker instead, wrapping an arm around him and holding him close, lifting his pedes off the ground. Bumblebee takes Sideswipe so that Bulkhead can focus on Sunstreaker. After watching his twin for a moment, optics unfocused as he sways, Sideswipe lets his helm flop back and starts to call Ratchet’s name.

It’s a complete cacophony as Optimus pulls Jazz from the console screen and tries his best to corral his team towards the storage room.

A loud hammering of fists against metal erupts behind them.

It’s enough to shock them all into silence. Optimus swings his helm around and knows, in an instant, that it is coming from the other habsuite door. It rattles as what sounds like an entire frame slams into it from the other side.

The shrill shriek of feedback echoing from beyond the door is spark-chilling.

The three surviving crewmembers are suddenly in motion again. Even Jazz pulls against Optimus’s hold as he murmurs, “No no no no no, you idiot, you idiot--”

“He said so! He said so!”

“Ratchet!!”

“Take them now,” Optimus orders, pushing Jazz towards Bulkhead. The warrior obediently picks Jazz up, slinging him over one shoulder while wrangling Sunstreaker up over the other. Bumblebee has as good a grip on Sideswipe as he can manage and pulls him back towards their own ship.

Optimus however remains in the control room.

“::Optimus, come on!::”

“I said take them,” Optimus repeats, his tone leaving no room for argument. “Do not come back unless I order you to. Understood?”

“But Optimus--”

“Am I understood?”

Neither of them look happy, but Bulkhead and Bumblebee nod and continue to take their wailing comrades with them.

After a few moments, Optimus steps towards the storage room door and palms the panel, having it slide shut.

It’s now silent save for the banging against the habsuite door. Optimus’s digits twitch before his servos clench into fists. He cannot be certain what is beyond the barrier, but he’s seen enough to guess, and Optimus’s spark aches at the thought.

The banging slows. The shrieking of before becomes a spark-wrenching groan of static.

And then Optimus moves.

The habsuite door is locked, this time from the outside. Optimus does his best to ignore the scratching from the other side of the door as his digits move across the panel, bringing up what information it has to give.

A quarantine lock. It’s set for a decade. Ratchet is the medical officer who set it.

No one would be able to override it except Optimus. Not even Ratchet himself.

Optimus keys in his override and, finally, the panel changes color and the door slides open.

A frame slams into Optimus, and he’s barely able to keep his footing, but the Prime manages it as he catches the mech in front of him.

Bright, dumbfounded optics stare up at him.

His frame is completely grey, giving the appearance of a walking corpse. Worst still is the level of decay, bits of armor having fallen away from the basic skeletal frame underneath. The struts of his arm are brittle under Optimus’s servos, practically hollowed by the desperate nanites finding any source of energy the mech’s frame has left in it to keep him moving and his spark spinning.

Even a third of his face has been eaten away, revealing the structures beneath and how the optic rolls in its socket as he stares.

But Optimus can still recognize the face of his old friend.

“Ratchet,” comes out broken as Optimus’s spark throbs with sorrow.

The sudden burning hunger in Ratchet’s optics confirms Optimus’s fears, even as he is suddenly growling and clawing at Optimus, dentae chomping as he tries to get close enough to bite. Digits dig into Optimus’s armor where they can, yanking with strength born of pure instinctual need, trying to rip it out of the way of Ratchet’s true target.

Ratchet is a late-stage empty.

Optimus struggles with Ratchet, holding him back as gently as he can. But Ratchet moves with a feral desperation and manages to start ripping at the paneling protecting Optimus’s neck, managing to tear one away as Optimus grunts and grits his dentae against the wave of pain and the panic it sends his self-preservation programming into. Digit-tips scramble to get a hold on the energon lines there, to hook around and yank, to rip out Optimus’s throat for a taste of his energon--

Optimus has to shove Ratchet to the ground and quickly follows to pin him. Ratchet snarls and thrashes, wild and mad.

“It’s alright,” Optimus soothes, ignoring his processor in favor of his spark and how it hurts. He shifts until his knees have Ratchet’s arms held down. “It’s alright now. I’m here to help you, Ratchet.”

Ratchet snaps his dentae and continues to struggle.

There are no more cubes of energon in Optimus’s subspace, and he will not allow his soldiers to see Ratchet like this. So, without hesitation, he pulls a small blade out of his subspace and shifts his forearm armor away so he can cut into one of his energon lines.

Ratchet’s optics go impossibly wide and completely focused on the spilt energon.

Perceptor tries to comm Optimus, but it is ignored as Optimus lowers his wrist until Ratchet can latch his mouth around it. Dentae clamp down as Ratchet gulps down the first few gushes of energon, and once that passes he begins to suck fervently. All of Ratchet’s focus is on drinking from Optimus’s frame, so he does not struggle when he’s no longer pinned, or even protest when Optimus pulls him to sit up.

The sensation of having his energon pulled through and out his lines is awful, and Optimus’s HUD sends warning after warning. However, they’re ignored as well.

None of it hurts as much as his spark does.

With Ratchet docile as he satiates himself, Optimus plays the audio files.

“Hello, Optimus.

“Hopefully you’ll never have to hear this. But, if I’m honest with myself, you will. It would be sheer dumb luck if our ship is discovered before we get much, much closer to Earth, and I don’t put much faith in luck.”

There’s an audible sigh, tired and weary.

“We lost most of our energon. And while I’ve managed to fix the emergency beacon, the rest is unsalvageable with what supplies we have left. At this rate we won’t last very long. So I’ve taken what we have and I’m going to put it to the best use I can to give them the greatest chance at survival.

“They’ll likely be empty though when you find them. I—Primus, I hate thinking about it. I wish I didn’t have to plan it this way.”

There’s another sigh but it’s shakier.

“Their drips will only last a year. They’ll be empty for likely months after that. But if they stay in stasis – if they still believe that rescue will come and thus their systems keep them in empty stasis – they should hopefully recover with minimal permanent damage. At this point, it’s take that risk, or know that they will offline. And I – Optimus, I can’t let them die. Not like this. Not when I have even a sliver of a chance to save them.”

The voice grows quieter than. Graver.

“I told them I would remain in the control room in case anything goes wrong. And that much is true. I plan to stay here as long as I’m able, staying in a light stasis so the systems can wake me as needed. However, I – I also told them I would have my own share of energon to keep me going. I had to tell them that or else they would have never agreed. I need them to believe I’m alright so that their programming trusts that help will come.

“But the ship won’t make it if I fuel myself. And if they do not make it to Earth, they won’t survive.”

There’s a barely perceptible hiccup of a ventilation.

“Ohh, Optimus. I know you wouldn’t agree with this decision I’ve made, but I know just as much that in my position you’d do the same. I have to give them the best chance at survival that I can because I can’t—I can’t let them die. Not like that, not—not to become empties, to watch them slowly deteriorate in frame and mind. I just can’t. Not when I can possibly save them.”

He sounds haggard with emotion now, his voice catching as his voicebox spits static.

“I’m sorry, Optimus. I don’t believe I’ll ever get to see you again. But know that it—it was--”

There’s a clearing of his voicebox.

“It was an honor to be by your side all these years, Optimus. I want you to know that. I will always consider you my dear friend.”

The file ends and Optimus heaves a trembling ex-vent. His spark pangs with sorrow too deep to contain, seeping like a chill through his frame.

He doesn’t even think twice before playing the second.

“I didn’t think it would get worse than the pain. I swear I could feel them, feel my own frame eating itself. But I onlined to check the status of the trip and it doesn’t – oh Primus, Optimus, I can’t feel the pain anymore. It’s still happening but I’ve gone numb and it’s—it’s all becoming too real now.

“And it’s not just my frame. Most all of my medical programming has offlined. A medic without medical programming. Hah. It’s like the beginning of some sick joke.”

He speaks with a tremor that never really stops, no matter how many times his voicebox is cleared. It nearly sounds as if he’s crying as he speaks.

“And at least I know about that. But there’re other things that are missing now. They’ve offlined and I don’t even know what they are or how to find them. I’m—I’m forgetting things, Optimus. I’m forgetting and I don’t even know what I’ve forgotten. I can’t remember…”

A moment passes. When finally he speaks again, it’s even more ragged, more emotional.

“I should just kill myself. I know I should. I mean, slag, I want to at this point, because I don’t – I don’t want to become this. I know where this ends and I can’t stand the thought. But I also know that if I die, I’ll never—I’ll never--!”

There is the distinct sound of sobbing. It lasts for about ten seconds.

“I want to see you again, Optimus. I want--”

More sobbing. It goes on for nearly thirty seconds.

“I don’t want to die alone.”

A sob wracks Optimus’s frame, but he chokes back the noise of it. He knows it’s ridiculous – the Ratchet sucking the life from his lines doesn’t care – but Optimus can’t stand the thought of possibly upsetting him. At least like this, suckling on Optimus’s wrist, Ratchet appears peaceful. Content.

It can’t go on for much longer though. Optimus is starting to run low now.

Still, he lets Ratchet drink.

He starts the final audio clip.

“LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT! I NEED IT! I NEED IT AND I KNOW THEY HAVE IT, THEY HAVE IT!! LET ME OUT I NEED IT LET ME HAVE IT LET ME OUT THEY HAVE IT AND I NEED IT--!!!”

Optimus ends the clip, shuddering as he can still hear that awful voice in his processor, haunting him.

Ratchet’s optics flicker to life when Optimus touches his cheek. However, Optimus does not stop him from drinking, so he settles and lets Optimus stoke his face.

“I’m so sorry, Ratchet.” The mesh of Ratchet’s face is pitted and rough. Optimus’s intake feels tight and his voicebox threatens to spit static, but Optimus schools himself, forces his voice to be even, calming. “They’ll be alright. Jazz and Sideswipe and Sunstreaker will recover and live because of you.”

It’s hard to know if Ratchet’s sucking actually slows or if it’s Optimus’s imagination. Either way he continues.

“And now let me take care of you one last time, old friend.”

His servo slips behind Ratchet’s helm, cradling it for a moment.

“You won’t have to be alone.”

Optimus moves quickly, pulling his servo away just long enough to let his dagger slip out from within his forearm plating to grasp it. It pushes cleanly between the plating of Ratchet’s neck and helm to sink into his processor.

Optimus holds his ventilation as Ratchet stills.

As Ratchet gives one last full-frame shudder.

As Ratchet’s frame goes silent and falls against Optimus’s chest.

Both of the newer audio files on the ship’s console will be deleted. Optimus will forbid Perceptor from inspecting Ratchet’s frame.  A story will be given to explain the noises, one that has nothing to do with Ratchet.

Optimus will make sure no one ever knows Ratchet as anything but the mech he once was.

Optimus holds Ratchet to his chest and mourns.