#I never wrote that fic about four's grandpa dying :(

[kyoupann]

Orphaned a handful of my fics <3 Hope I don't regret it later haha. It's just that when i read the titles, nothing came to mind, not even what they were all about or how I felt about them. Truly, I had forgotten what I had written at some point.

[uhuraisgay]

fic writer meme

ty lore @megafaunatic for tagging meee :3c

How many works do you have on Ao3?

fifty three as of today. tomorrow? who knows.... (probably still fifty three)

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

518,435 words .... wrow.....

3. What fandoms do you write for?

historically its been all over the place but theres so much stuff rotting and dying in my gdrive that has never been posted so i feel like i have a broader actual ouvre than is represented on ao3. which is mdzs heavy at least in the past couple years

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

5. beyond all limit (wangxian i wrote for lore right after i first read the book) 4. if the story's over (moshang post-divorce get-together fic) 3. someone as good for me as you (written in 2016 for holster and ransom when i was reading check, please. LMAO) 2. at least as deep as the pacific ocean (written in 2015 in the clearest example of 'person distraught by the tragic ending of a tragedy misses the fucking point and writes a coffee shop au of achilles and patroclus after she read tsoa' ever, even bigger LMAO) 1. your name safe in their mouth (lsz gets his dad back, and other emotional adventures)

5. Do you respond to comments?

i used to try to reply to every comment i got but i stopped doing that around the same time i went to college and got more depressed. but i love reading comments and i sometimes reply if someone says something that moves me or like. asks me a question about the fic that i want to elaborate on? because i love to yap

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i'm not really good at writing straight angst i feel like it's normally like. angst with catharsis. but i wrote some explorations on grief in the past couple years that i feel like have the angst factor (what i have of you about nhs after nmj dies, and then when your beard fell out about my sweetie pie kageyama tobio in middle school after his grandpa dies)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i have a lot of silly fluffy fics... idk i try to toe the line mostly of like. the joys and sadnesses of human experience but sometimes you just gotta fluff it up. i'll set the table, you can make the fire, which is book verse aziraphale/crowley living in a cottage and being in love, comes to mind....i love that one

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i don't think i've ever really gotten hate on a fic? i have been extremely lucky in that regard. especially since my whole ouvre from like 2014 onward is on that damn site and much of it is very cringeworthy.

9. Do you write smut?

not well!

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you have written?

i often will do like kind of a quasi-crossover kind of thing rather than a True Crossover wherein i take characters i like from one medium and plop them into the roles and places of characters i like from another medium. i did a dragon age wangxian fic where lwj was the inquisitor from da:i called we held together the fragile sky that kind of exemplifies this dynamic

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of or that anyone has ever notified me of, but i also don't look that hard. if this has ever happened, it would hurt my feelings, so please don't do it ? lol

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!!!! and i was honored

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

not as such but i have one not-intended-for-posting fic which is basically just a transcription of jokes i have with my roommate about haikyuu characters LOL which i think counts as co-writing. she's my co-writer in spirit even if i'm the one at the keyboard

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

my answer to this changes with every new fixation i have. like right now it's kagehina. if you asked me four years ago i would have said wangxian. You Know?

15. What is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

SO MANY...i think probably my fullmetal alchemist nie brothers au....i try not to post things until they are done and fully edited now, but that one was a whim-based fic that i lost all strength for as soon as i started thinking too hard about kagehina. i also had a fem nielan sci fi au that was vaguely based off beauty and the beast but nmj was like stuck in a ship and she thought she was its computer and that she was a program but she was actually a person....which i never posted any of except snippets on twitter and i think it was just too sprawling for my current skill level...i just was never able to wrangle it. but i am fond of it nonetheless

16. What are your writing strengths?

based on what other people have told me i would say the way i write sibling / family relationships, and while my prose is not always pretty i do think it can be pretty at times ...

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i feel like it's often too self-indulgent even if that's what fic is for lol, and i tend to look back on fics and think, i wrote that because i had feelings about it and wanted to say it, but i'm not necessarily sure that This Character would say/do that at this point in time....idk like i fear that when i don't think about it hard enough my characterization can be weak or guided by what eye personally would do vs. what The Character would do. but some of that is because the majority of my fics on ao3 are from years and years ago and i (hopefully) have continued to improve

18. Thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics?

i'm picky about it but when it's done well i think it's really fun and builds so much of the world/character. i think when it's bad it's really bad. when i go about it i try to think about like, a) do i know this language myself/do i know someone who does. if the answer is no i try to keep it really minimal. b) how do people who know multiple languages approach speaking those multiple languages naturally in real life. like (IN MY EXPERIENCE) ppl don't tend to switch languages for random words mid-sentence unless those words are like, mom, dad, uncle, aunt, ect...maybe swearing if they're less familiar with one of the languages and don't know slang/swearing in it...but again when it's done well it's really good and i'm not an expert. i just can kinda tell when it feels off when i read it, if that makes sense...(it's the same way i feel about grammar lol. sometimes i can just tell it's a little Off)

19. First fandom you wrote for?

probably either fma or soul eater or the sister's grimm book series when i was in middle school. or maybe doctor who? idk i had a lot of fanfic notebooks that i have since destroyed and then regretted destroying

20. Favorite fic you have written?

at the present moment it's in these coming years my kagehina love letter but again i feel like it changes constantly. like the more i write the better i get and the more the newest/most polished thing i've written sort of Becomes my favorite just by default of my satisfaction level with it. sorry if that's a bad answer

tagging @yuebings @dcyiyou @burins @cairoscene @cafecliche @perilously sorry if you've been tagged already also if you want to do this and i didn't tag you just say i did. I'll shut up now

[everlarkficexchange]

Rewind.

Written by: @thegirlfromoverthepond

Prompt 8: Start your story at the end (like the backwards Seinfeld episode “The Betrayal” about a wedding in India) and reveal how it began at the end. [submitted by @567inpanem���​]

Thank you @javistg and @xerxia31 for hosting this amazing fic exchange :) it’s always been a great opportunity to start wirting different things … I still remember the first fic I posted for the exchange :)

Thank you for the prompt, @567inpanem, I hope you’re not disappointed in what I wrote. (I’ve never watched Seinfeld ;) )

And again thank you to @xerxia31 for betaing this story so well. Your help made this story much better.

I’m dying. I can feel it. Life leaves my body, finger by toe. My heart will soon stop, and I’ll finally join him. These last two years have been too difficult, too sad. Too empty.

I know they’re gathered downstairs. I can hear them all. Children, grandchildren. I’m glad I’ve met them. I’m happy we made them.

The cold is taking more and more space inside of me. I’m not strong enough anymore.

I don’t want to fight it.

Maybe, in death, I’ll hold his hand again. Maybe we’ll sit in the Meadow, watch our family live and laugh. Maybe he’ll whisper in my ear, like he used to when we were younger.

Or maybe we’ll just look at each other.

The cold is going to take me away …. I turn my head, and I see him looking at me, from the old armchair near the bed.

He extends his hand, I think he wants me to come with him ..

I take his hand. The cold is everywhere.

I’m dying.

———-

I never thought there would be something scarier than giving birth. Or surviving a war and two Hunger Games.

But there’s something even worse than suffering.

It’s seeing someone you love deeply in pain.

Peeta holds my hand the whole time. I can see the distress in his eyes - so much like when I gave birth to Charlotte and Aiden. This time, though, it’s different.

Because it’s our little princess who is delivering, bringing her own child into this world.

Our little daughter, who once was a carefree kid, laughing and playing in the Meadow. Who grew up to be the kindest of big sisters, caring so much for others that her becoming a doctor was as natural as breathing.

And now, after a few years in a happy union, she’s about to give birth.

And we’re freaking out.

Not because we’re becoming grandparents.

But because she’s going to become a mother.

I exchange a look with Peeta, which says it all. We’re in this together. Always.

We only break eye contact when we hear the waiting room door open.

Our son-in-law, eyes sparkling in what would have been a ridiculous outfit if we weren’t too distracted to notice it (pink scrubs never look good on men) enters, announcing that the baby is here.

A girl, named Lily.

I start crying at the news.

—–

He dies on a beautiful summer day.

For years, summers meant death and dread for him. Now, they mean afternoons spent in his backyard or ours, watching Charlotte and Aiden play with the animals we have. Our little farm, expanding with each passing year, along with his neverending flock of geese. Why he had so much, he never said.

He lived a tough life, full of tears, full of pain, full of loneliness.

We hope he had a happy ending, full of laughter, full of joy, with his adopted family.

Charlotte cries for days over the loss of her Grandpa.

—-

Of course, Peeta agrees before I can say anything.

Just like every other time.

How I find myself with a cat, chicken, rabbits and a goat is beyond me.

But they make the children happy. Which makes Peeta happy.

Seeing my loved ones happy makes me happy too.

Hearing Haymitch complain about them is a bonus.

–

Having two kids makes everything different.

Only one thing still amazes me.

Love can’t be divided.

It multiplies.

—

Charlotte comes into the world screaming.

It took me a long time to agree to having a child, but I finally caved. Our world has changed, to something I never dreamt of.

I never dreamt of having children before, but if the world can change, so can I.

Charlotte has my hair, and what I hope will be her father’s eyes.

I’m happy I brought her into our lives. I feel at peace.

Haymitch has even quit drinking. I think he’s found his peace, too.

—-

It’s a quiet morning and I’m feeling lazy. Peeta is asleep next to me, his arm resting on my belly.

He’s protective, my Peeta. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to wake up yet.

I just want to bathe in his warmth.

I turn on my side, feel his hand slide to my back. I find my place on his chest.

I close my eyes.

I’m happy.

–

It’s always harder on the anniversary of her death.

The first years, it felt like I was dying inside.

Today marks the tenth anniversary. Prim would be 24. She would be married. She would be worrying about her children’s first reaping.

No mother will ever again have to worry about her children being sent to death.

Ever.

It helps with the pain. Time soothes all wounds, Peeta says.

He’s right.

I still have bad days, but they are few and far between.

Maybe, in the end, it was worth it?

—

The first day is hard on Peeta. Opening a bakery that bears his family name in view of everybody, in front of the cameras, reminds him too much of what he has lost. What he’ll never have again.

His family.

His parents and brothers.

I try to be as supportive as I can, even helping with the front counter. It’s like people have come from all over the country to be part of the opening. But after a few minutes of people asking me more about our life as a couple rather than about bread, I let the staff we’ve hired manage the sales.

I can feel it’s a tough day for Peeta, I can feel it in my bones.

I find him sitting on the steps of the back door, his gaze lost in the sky.

I know he misses them.

I know I’m nothing like they ever were to him.

I just know they are his past, when I can be his future.

I hug him.

We watch the sunset, watch the birds fly by.

We wait until he’s ready. Until the tears are dried.

Then we go home, hand in hand.

————

It happens because it’s where all the kissing and exploring leads us. It’s not a date we’ve chosen, it’s no particular day, it’s nothing out of the ordinary.

Our hands wander a little more than usual. Mine like to trace his muscles, the firm lines that reappeared when he started making bread again. Lifting sacks of flour did his body good.

HeI can hear soft moans softly as my fingers linger on his chest, under his shirt. It’s like he’s as sensitive to my touch as I am when his hands are on me.

I don’t know why today I feel bolder than usual. my mouth wants to taste his, or linger on his jaw, feel his pulse under my lips when they find his neck. Over and over again.

I thought I knew what hunger was until I hear his moans - they do something to me, break all the barriers.

They set me free.

He sets me free.

We find ourselves more adventurous than ever. Clothes are thrown away, hands wander again and again, touches become more intimate… until we’re finally one.

It’s short, it’s rushed.

But we have a lot of time to practice.

So we practice.

—-

He’s back.

He came back.

I don’t know why.

He’s back.

Yesterday, he planted primroses around my house.

Primroses.

He made her come back.

Even when she couldn’t.

She’s everywhere now.

In every flower that will bloom.

In every whisper of the leaves.

She’s back here.

With me.

He brought her back.

He brought me back.

My boy with the bread.

He saved me.

Again.

—-

I hate the sun. It’s scorching.

Even through the windows.

I haven’t been outside in days.

Or weeks.

It’s not important.

I just want to die.

Everyone left me.

Finnick died for me. He should have lived.

Mother - she couldn’t even look me in the eye. She’s in Four, I think.

I don’t care.

Not anymore.

Gale- I can’t even think about him.

Prim. My sweet little sister. She wasn’t supposed to die.

Or maybe she was. Maybe it was her destiny all along.

Peeta - they keep him in the Capitol. I guess he’ll never come back to me.

I’m nothing but scars and pain.

I’m worthless.

—-

It’s true, what they say.

When you die, you see your whole life passing in front of your eyes.

Mine has been so long… I was supposed to die at sixteen.

I never expected to survive the Hunger Games, much less a second one. Or a war.

I never thought I’d be one to believe in love.

Yet, I did.

For every loss, every pain I felt, happiness came my way. First with my boy with the bread, so many years ago. Then with my fellow tribute. Or the man I loved with all my heart. The one who held my hand when our children were born. The man who shared my life, through everything.

He was my past. He became my present.

Now we have all of eternity.

Together.

Always.