#I needed these gifs of Ed not knowing how to interact with women

[moltenhair]

"I just love a man with... brains."

[house-of-slayterr]

have you ever been thinking of worst ships in Gotham? Canon and not canon. For me personally oswald x zsasz could never happend, love them too much (it's also an open challenge to change my mind hehe). Do you have yours? Who do you think Maggie could never, in a billion years, be together with?

AN: I know you only said Maggie, but I’m on a roll now 😈

Maggie:

Clearly the “friendship” has sailed in many many directions for this girl. But if we’re talking romantic/sexual relationship, there are a few people she wouldn’t work well with.

Got starters, Oswald. Not just for the fact that he’s gay, but I simply don’t think they could ever have anything healthy there. She tolerate Oswald’s Yandre tendencies as a friend, but I don’t think she could handle it if that energy was romantic, let alone sexual. It would get toxic pretty quick.

Edward. Why? Because of the Riddler. For the most part, Maggie has really only interacted with his Ed persona. She’s heard of the Riddler through the others, but they don’t interact much. I don’t think she enjoys that side of him, she thought Ed was perfect and adorable as his little scientist self. In a universe where he never becomes a villain, maybe it could work. But she wouldn’t be able to stomach Riddlers ego and brash comments.

Not the question, but I do think if Ivy and her were introduced in a better way, they could have been a fun couple. I mean they both adore their plants, Maggie is just not willing to sacrifice Gotham for them. (This is also if we just ignore the plot line where Ivy is the same age as Selena because Ew, I’m still mad they did that to us)

Basil, obviously. I mean now we see it has blossomed into a Big Sister, Wise Little Brother sort of thing. But Basil couldn’t give her what she wants, what she needs. At least not without sacrifice on his part and she would NEVER ask that of him. Basil thinks he’s “incapable of love” but he’s just incapable of romantic or sexual love, clearly he has a familial and platonic love style. She’s not opposed to people younger than her, as long as their legal obviously. (For instance since she met Bruce and Selena when they were teens she would never in a million years try to justify anything after they turned 18. That’s just gross, and she was groomed as a kid so she would rather die) Maggie loves too passionately and fiercely while Basil is guarded and distant. It just wouldn’t work for either of them.

Theo Galavan. Oh boy, does she fucking hate him at the very least for how he treated Tabitha. Even if she never had relations with the girl, she still would hate how he treats women. Again, he’s Ego is too big for her to handle. I feel like this would be her snapping point in an alternative time line. She would 100% end up killing him and feeling nothing for it. That’s how insane he would make her with his “women belong in the kitchen attitude.” I’ll also tag on Hugo for the same reasons.

Victor Freeze, he’s devoted to his dead wife and she wouldn’t want to feel like second place in someone’s heart. She deserves more than that.

Two more henouable mentions for things that could have been fun. Fish or Carmine. We all know Maggie has daddy issues. She’s thrown herself at Roman Sionis just to help her friends, she would have pulled a Lisa and shared affections for Carmine. Sure it would start out as a “business” thing, but I feel like she’d enjoy his attention. It would be more on the romantic side of things. But with Fish, yeah, no self control. Maggie would think she’s hot as fuck. And she would have slept with her.

Victor:

As far as Victor and Oswald, I’m afraid you’re right. At least romantically they are not compatible. Don’t get me wrong, Victor CAN be romantic, but not in a way that Oswald deserves. Oswald wouldn’t settle for him. Also it would be inappropriate power dynamic, Oswald is his boss. If there were anything there, it would legit at best be a friends with benefits. Victor would see it as a way to blow off steam and “help” his boss out a little.

V:

I shouldn’t have to say it, but all the adult characters are off limits.

I think Martin is a tad younger than the others, so she wouldn’t do anything there either.

So that really only leaves Bruce. And while they make good friends, I don’t even think Bruce would consider her in that way, like he did Selena. I mean Selena is just a trouble street kid, V is a Zsasz. Alfred is tolerating barley of the friendship, that poor man would have a heart attack if Bruce and V started seeing each other. But also, V isn’t interested in boys. So her and Selena are destined to be together 😂, it’s all she’s got.

But, I also don’t think she would work well with Silver St. Cloud. She’s a rich girl, and Theo’s blood. V would resent her so much.

Basil:

Literally anyone. Oh dear god, don’t let this man date you.

Y/N:

Y/N barely works romantically with her husband 😂

But I guess Harvey. She sees him as like and uncle/father figure. Y/N is a weirdo with questionable morals, but family is important to her. She wouldn’t fuck up the good thing they have.

Again, Theo, she would kill him like first day.

I don’t really think Butch or her could ever be in a healthy relationship of any court. She looks down on him. He wouldn’t trust her, it just wouldn’t work out.

But on the flip side, relationships that could be fun are Alfred or Oswald. I know earlier I said the boss employee things is bad, but Y/N likes bad. She clearly cares deeply for the man, as he, her. If Oswald wasn’t gay, I could see them having something there. While inappropriate it would be fun. But with Alfred, she would be treated like a queen. Man’s love language is acts of service and he’s good at some many things. If she wasn’t a villain, I think Alfred could have fallen head over heels for the woman. She’s strong, confident and beautiful and that’s exactly his type.

Tag: @flaysthings @howl-fantasies

[elishaysblog]

Week 3: Digital Community: Tumblr

Does anyone even use Tumblr?

The first topic we will get into is Tumblr, from its history to what it offers to digital communities and users.

Tumblr amongst other social media platforms is ranked number 10 in Australia. It was founded in 2007 and bought by other major companies and in 2017 Verizon bought Yahoo's operating business one being Tumblr. Despite this, Tumblr is not linked to the ‘real name internet’ like other mainstream platforms. As a result, it provides a positive and safe space for marginalised groups including the LGBTQI+ communities. (week 3 lecture, 2023)

Who started #hastagging on social media and online platforms? Tumblr was among the first to introduce this feature as a community-building tool. It allowed users to #filter through tagged posts in real-time. (week 3 lecture, 2023) Surprising I know.

Furthermore, on Tumblr users don’t need to follow each other to see their content, making the site relatively public. Users simply use #hastags to interact with others based on their interests and what they would like to engage with.

To finish the Tumblr topic off, there is also less surveillance which monetizes specific details including when users are online and date/time stamps are not prioritised.

The core weekly reading: “Love the Skin You’re In”: An Analysis of Women’s Self-Presentation and User Reactions to Selfies Using the Tumbler Hashtag #bodypositive, Anna Reif, Insa Miller & Monika Taddicken (2022).

In relation to hashtags and its popularity and impact on Tumblr, this study conducted research on selfies posted by women using the #bodypositive hashtag on the platform. From this research, it was found that the hashtag created a sense of connection between users who would empower each other and diminish the chances of body image issues and comparing. It created a community of women from different backgrounds, body types, ages and races to embrace themselves.

On a different topic, Allison McCracken, Chapter 3 ‘Going Down the Rabbit Hole: An Interview with Amanda Brennan, Head of Content Insights and Social, Tumblr’ in a Tumblr book: (University of Michigan Press: 2020). Touches based on various questions that highlight Tumblr features and why it is liked by many users. She states how Tumblr allows users to share what they are passionate about while being anonymous. She highlights how hashtag-focused it is which creates a different type of interaction between users and reinforces how it’s based on interests. For example, a user can follow a person because they like Marvel then that person starts liking a new TV show which results in the user ‘going down the rabbit hole’. In minutes you are at point c from point a.

References:

Allison McCracken, Chapter 3 ‘Going Down the Rabbit Hole: An Interview with Amanda Brennan, Head of Content Insights and Social, Tumblr’ in a tumblr book: platform and cultures eds Allison McCracken, Alexander Cho, Louisa Stein, and Indira Neill Hoch (University of Michigan Press: 2020) https://doi.org/10.3998/mpub.11537055 Deller, Ruth A, (2019) Extract:  'Chapter Six: Reality Television in an Age of Social Media' The TV Phenomenon That Changed the World (Emerald Publishing).

[cafeinthemoon]

The Leaves of Her Garden - Chapter VII

Title: The Leaves of Her Garden

Genre: Fanfiction

Pairing: Madara Uchiha x reader

Rating: Mature

Word count: 3683

Chapter (s): 7/?

Warning(s): 

Read the previous chapters here: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Interlude, Chapter 5, Chapter 6

Symbols: 🌙 | ➕ | ▶▶

Body Memory

Since you’ve started to walk on the surroundings outside your room, you’ve been noticing something strange: the garden, the porch and all the other places you were allow ed to go to seemed empty. Not that you were always alone at them: Ayane and Aiko used to be with you. But you haven’t seem more people there besides them , whether they were servants or other clan members.

Alongside the women, the Uchiha brothers were the only ones who talked directly to you. Madara only met you two times, and he didn’t talk much to you during the second one. Even Izuna seemed to speak to you more often while he was there. You already knew that Madara’s only family was his younger brother, and he was not in the house at the moment: right after bringing you to his leader, he was sent on another mission and you didn’t hear of him since then.

That day you were at the garden, enjoying the sunset. You were sitting on the grass thinking about it ; unfortunately, there was no one with whom you could discuss this: Ayane had to go back to the house to do some task with Aiko and you were left alone among the cherry trees . Seeing their branches all empty after the blossoming was sad. Maybe this circumstance was what made you consider this peculiarity.

It was when you started to think that you were being purposely kept isolated in Madara’s house. Realizing t his was not really a surprise to you, of course: your true identity was some sort of secret only shared with his brother and the women responsible for your needs, so that no one else should know about your existence. This also could have explained the rage Madara showed towards that servant who were arguing with Aiko and Ayane that day: the man was not only threatening them, but was invading an area that was forbidden to him.

All of this led you to question about the presence of members of the original betrothed’s clan. Because the ceremony would happen soon, there must have been some of their representatives staying in the Uchiha property. But were they near or far from you? Were they receiving any news about the girl they believed to be their pair? How was she being treated? Was she having all her needs satisfied? Didn’t they question this arrangement in which she was being kept separated from them, or was it a common tradition?

There were many questions for which you had no answers. Izuna would certainly know them, but you doubted that he would say something to you if he was there. So Madara was the only one who could give those answers to you. However, you wouldn’t ask him for them: since you’ve met, he didn’t tell more than what he considered to be necessary for you to know , and he never made it clear if you were allowed to make questions or not , nor what of questions were considered appropriate in the first case . You finally came to the conclusion that some things you would only find out during and after the wedding.

In the next day, you were informed that the ceremony was going to take place in two days. You were also told that you were going to have your comings and goings restricted during this period in order to maintain your physical conditions at their best: you were still recovering from your weakness, which must not show during the ceremony’s day. You also suspected that it was important to stay well for the sake of the wedding night: you only met your future husband once, but the little you acknowledged from him made it clear that a weakened woman was the last thing he would need in that moment.

All these precautions also served to make the women’s work easier: they were responsible for making sure that your appearance would be as perfect as possible when the day came. You yourself didn’t know how much you resemble “the other girl”, as you got used to think of her, and your only way of comparison were the comments of Madara and his brother, but every detail needed attention, so that your secret would never be revealed.

During the first day, you were informed about the details of the ceremony and how you should behave in order to do your part, what you would need to say, how to reply to the officiant and things of that kind. At first, you found it hard to remember everything: there were so many things that you started wondering if you would be capable of handling everything. It was when you finally understood why you should stay in your room most of the time in those days: your time was running out and there were too much to do now that you were partially recovered.

Maybe your initial difficulty in decorating your part was due to the fact that Madara himself was the person who talked to you about the ceremony and taught you what you needed to learn. He explained what you have to do and stated that you should concentrate all your attentions in it in order to learn, then he came from time to time to see your progress. You didn’t say a word about it (you didn’t even have anyone to talk to about it, since Ayane wasn’t there during his appearances), but you were almost sure that he didn’t really leave when he exited your room. It was something you were going to get used to in that house: living there was like having all your steps watched, even when Madara was not around.

He was a capable and patient instructor, indeed, but you had to admit he was not the most gentle one: h e never hesitated to say what pleased him or not, no matter how harsh it sounded to you. If he considered you did a good job, all you would get from him was a nod and one or two words of approval, but if he noticed something that need ed correction he would make you repeat it until you mastered it; it didn’t matter if you wanted a break or thought you weren’t going to succeed, he would not let you give up . You’ve already heard about the determination and discipline of the shinobi, but this was beyond your expectations, though you had no parameters to compare Madara’s way and other ninja’ s .

He also had no restraints in approaching and touching you during the lessons: he would not think twice before hold ing your jawline and lift your face if he thought you were looking at the ground for too long (things like “look at me” or “keep your eyes on mine” came out from his mouth countless times); he would hold your hands while you were repeating your sentences, and if you stuttered or said them too low, he would squeeze them a little to make you speak louder and clearer; he would stand behind you and pass his hands around you r waist to correct your posture if necessary.

There was a moment when this happened and he stood there, close to you for an unusual amount of time. He didn’t say anything, yet there seemed to be something that was displeasing him. Finally, you understood you would have to ask him about it.

- What is wrong, Madara-sama? – you whispered.

He tightened his grip around you in response. You were trembling at his body’s heat blending with yours, his hand over your ribs, his breath on the skin of your neck.

- I’ve just found out what is wrong, y/n. I’ve been sensing your solitude since I’ve met you for the first time. The root to all your difficulty is the fact that you are not used to be so close to other people, but the role you are going to play is based on full interaction with others, and finally with me – he approached his lips to your ear – So, if we want to make it work, we need to eliminate these hesitating manners of yours and turn our proximity into something natural. Problem is that we do not have much time, so that we are going to need to work with what we have.

- But how are we going to do this, Madara-sama?

You heard a muffled laugh close to your ear. He released you.

- Look at me.

You turned and noticed a new light in his eyes.

- I have an idea, and I will need your entire compliance to execute it .

You could only imagine what he was planning to do, and of course you were afraid. However, as many times in your life since you were found dying at the river’s shore, you had no time to think or to hesitate. You just accept his decision.

- You have my compliance. What are we going to do?

H is smile widened, as if he found your determination entertaining.

- Y/n, we are going to dance .

***

I t was still in the morning.

In that quiet, isolated part of the garden, with no trees to cover your vision of the sky nor bushes to surround you and having only the grass underneath your feet, Madara and you were standing in front of each other, in silence. He told you to follow him there for you two would need some space and privacy to what you were going to do.

In your way there, you exchanged a few words.

- But… what if someone appears, Madara-sama? And what if Ayane or Aiko start to look for me?

- They will not look for you, because I told them I was going to need some time alone with you – he glanced to you – Didn’t you find it strange that they did not come back to your room after leaving it early today?

- Well, yes. It makes sense.

- And about the possibility of someone showing up unexpectedly… it will not happen – he continued – And even if it does, I have sensory capacities. Once they arrived, I would notice their presence.

You soon noticed that Madara seemed to have more patience than his brother to answer questions. That didn’t mean you would take the risk of overwhelming him with them, of course: he was the type of person who just says what is necessary and when he thinks to be necessary. You knew that your doubts would be clarified at the right time.

When you arrived at that part of the garden and had Madara’s eyes over you, you noticed a subtle smile on his face, as if your confused expression at his previous words about dancing still amused him. It wouldn’t be a surprise if that was the case, because you were still confused and waiting for an answer.

- I apologize for the way I expressed myself before – he started, still smiling – It is clear that dancing means two different things for each of us.

You hid your hands behind your back. You never knew that this word had any other meaning than the obvious one.

- And what this word means to you, Madara-sama?

- In a simple word, it means fighting – he laughed at your widened eyes – Y/n, have you ever heard of something called body memory?

Y ou nodded. You’ve read something about this subject once.

- It is said that our bodies carry a physical history of our experiences and behave accordingly. Because of this ability, we can teach the most varied lessons to ourselves through the principle of body memory.

- Exactly. It is good to s e e that you already have some familiarity with the concept – he approved – It will make things easier for both of us. Now, listen. According to what I’ve learned in my observations, your body was taught to maintain a barrier separating you from other people. The reasons, I can only imagine. I could look for them into your memories using my dojutsu, but we do not have time for that. Instead, let’s state that the main challenge in your case will be teaching your body to behave correctly when you are around a group of people. Something like would usually take several days in normal circumstances, but we do not have all this time at our disposal. The only way I know to teach you such a complex lesson in so little time is to make you fight.

He took a step closer to you.

- Y/n, you are going to fight me.

You couldn’t believe what you’ve just heard. Fight him? How?

- But, Madara-sama, I… I am not a warrior. I do not know how to do it.

- Of course you do not – he calmly said – And this is why I brought you here. To teach you.

He raised his hand, its palm turned to you.

- Starting with the basics, punch my palm.

You swallowed. You raised your right hand and closed it before doing as he said. Your punch barely made a noise or moved his hand; it felt like nothing to him, and he said that to you.

- I saw when you defend those women with your bare hands, girl. You have some strength in this body, otherwise you would not stand against that man’s strike. I know you can do better than this – he raised his hand for the second time – Try again. Stronger.

- Stronger? – you hesitated – What if I… hurt you?

This time, you managed to bring a true smile to his face. Somehow it seemed even more scary to you.

- Y/n. Even if there was a way for you to hurt me, I would not let you know. Now, try again.

You tried it again. Stronger, as he told you. The result was similar to the previous time, and Madara told you to do it for third time. You did it. Then he raised his other hand and told you to punch with your left one. You did it. You started to alternate your hands and continued to strike until you found a rhythm, and your punches became stronger, well guided. At first you were afraid to get tired, but it did not happen, so you let this worry aside and concentrated on what you had to do. The more you repeated the lesson to yourself, the more natural it became.

For a long time, you could only listen to the breeze passing through your ears, your own breath, becoming heavy with the exercise and the sound of your hands striking his. Suddenly, you heard his voice among all of this.

- Enough.

You stopped and waited.

- You are striking with more strength, I can feel it . But you are still holding back. Do not limit yourself. Try again.

You obeyed. You maintained your pace, and thought of not restraining your movements, of just do as he said with no hesitation. Apparently, it was still not enough.

- Do not stop, y/n – he was saying – Just listen to what I say. Your body was taught to hold back what you have in order to maintain the barrier between you and the outer world. To break down this barrier, you have to bring your feelings to what you are doing. Bring out your thoughts. Your memories. Your bonds. Your shame. Your fear. Your pain. Your rage.

As his words echoed in your head, you started to remember everything that led you to the place you were, to the circumstances guiding your life now. You remembered your childhood, your parents and their farewell; the war and the exodus in which you were forced to participate; the friends who died in the journey and the ones who took different paths, away from you; your arrival at your adoptive mother’s house; your relationship with her; her lessons, her orientation and her love; your economic difficulties; your work at Hiroshi’s house; his daughter, with her bright smile and sweet manners; Hiroshi’s harassment; the moment you ran from his house; the darkness and the loneliness of your journey until you’ve reached the river; Izuna’s appearance, your conversation and your consent to be brought to that house.

You remembered everything, and what such memories awakened scared even you. All the things Madara told you to bring out came through your punches, and your eyes were now full of tears; your throat was tightened with anger, and it was harder to hold back a scream.

- You are finally learning – he said, not hiding the satisfaction in his voice – But your strikes are still too weak. Use your strength.

- But I cannot do better than this, Madara-sama – you said while punching.

- Yes, you can – it was the reply – And you will.

- But, Madara-sama...

- Just do it, girl. Do not act like you were weak, or I will end up believing you are. But the thing is that I do not like weak people. So do not make me despise you.

If those words were said to enrage or to hurt you, you couldn’t tell. But their effect was precisely what Madara intended, because your sensed your anger coming up through your stomach, impossible to be contained, and started striking with everything you got. You were not going to be held down, to be ashamed, to be abused again, whether by a war, by tragedies or by people like Hiroshi or Ayane’s brother-in-law. You haven’t come so far only to bring disgust to the man who saved your life. You were going to deserve your new place, your new name and your new family, because this is what Madara was going to be to you: a family. Different from the ones you had before, and not exactly how you expected, but still a family. You were not going to disappoint your family.

You only noticed how much effort you’ve been put ting in your striking when Madara told you to stop and you did it, sweating and breathing heavily.

- That’s enough for today – he stated – Considering that this is the first training of your life and that we have so little time, your performance was satisfactory. However, I do not want to have you tired, not much more than you are now.

You took a step ahead, but didn’t get too far: he approached and took you in his arms.

- Let me carry you back to your room – he whispered.

You nodded, then passed your arm s around his neck. Madara adjusted the grip around your body and left the place with you.

In a moment, you were back to your room, and he was about to leave you in your futon.

Unlike other times when he and other people came close to you, you didn’t startle when he took you . Maybe you were too tired to maintain your usual modesty, but you could swear something has changed in you after that striking session. Your senses were turned on their last levels. Fatigue, pain, sadness, anger, desire – you felt every single emotion in a turmoil, coming out from your pores with the sweat and the tiredness. You couldn’t remember the last time you felt that way. Was that the sensation of being alive?

When he bent down to release you, you noticed that your breathing was synchronized with his, and this somehow calmed you down. You raised your eyes to his and saw that they were already observing you, that pair of dark globes inside which you could drown if you weren’t careful, or that was what you thought when you met them for the first time; now, you weren’t feeling the need of caution, nor seemed to understand it with the urgency of before.

You only noticed what you were doing when your mouth was so close to his that you had no choice but to let the kiss happen. You kept your arms around his neck, your fingers wrapping the strands of his hair around them; he had one arm around your waist while the other was still under your legs, and you felt when they tightened up, bringing you closer to him. You then felt the mattress underneath you: he released you, but didn’t move away. The arm he had on your waist slid and his hand reached the back of your head; his fingers held your hair in a way that kept you in place, but it didn’t hurt. His other arm moved from its spot too, so that his other hand grabbed your thigh as it happen during your first kiss, but t his gesture didn’t make you startle nor blush as before: instead, you realized you liked it.

This second kiss, as a whole, felt more natural and expected than the first one. Was it a result of the first training, of the alterations in your body memory ? But so soon? You didn’t know, but you found out you didn’t care about it. You also noticed you weren’t worried about the fact that you were tired and sweating: you remembered when Izuna commented about your state while carrying you; he said his brother would be disgusted by your scent at that time. Now it seemed that the younger Uchiha was just trying to provoke you or making a joke, for nothing in your body seemed to displease his brother now.

Madara removed his hand from your hair and held your chin and for an instant, then his lips separated from yours.

- It is already working – he whispered, smiling – You are not hesitating as before. Now there is a chance for things to work, and for you to succeed in your part.

He then gave you one last, brief kiss and moved away, standing up.

- We will have another session tomorrow. I will see you by the morning, before the sun rises. So take some rest and be prepared.

[thepinacleofintelligence]

Entry #11. [this will mention more graphic depictions of s/h than my other vents]

Tw- talk about s/h, r4pe, z00, p3do, cp, Ed, cults, animal 4buse, p4ras, and other stuff like it.

I AM MOT ROMANTICIZING NOR SUPPORTING THESE, THIS IS A VENT ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES FROM A TERRIBLE SITUATION. IF YOU SUPPORT THESE PLEASE GET THE FUCK OFF MY BLOG.

People really say “support victims” until those victims don’t act perfect.

I recently left a notorious online “cult.” In quotations because it’s heavily debated whether it should be considered a cult or not. I personally feel like it was, I was a helper [the highest rank a normal person could ever possibly be]. There are people who were never in the group who say it wasn’t a cult. They have no room to talk, they weren’t there, and they never experienced anything like we did.

I was in the group from August 2021 to April 2022.

I went though basically everything in the group. It got worse over time. I’m going to be blunt. I saw and heard some of the worst things a person could see. Mainly videos, images, gifs, etc.. of graphic gore. Beheadings, Accidents, Mutilation, and ESPECIALLY self harm. In fact, self harm was one of the biggest things in the group. We were encouraged to cut and carve for the group. I saw so many carvings of the logo it got boring to me. The amount of times people carved it and then were encouraged to carve deeper. I didn’t feel like I was good enough because my cuts and scars weren’t deep enough. I wanted to impress him, the leader. Eventually from being conditioned that carving was an AMAZING thing I decided that I needed to convince others that weren’t doing it already to, so I could impress him with my dedication. I was obsessed with him. I did disgusting things due to my obsession, I did anything I could in order to please him. Of course I knew that due to his various disorders, he had many issues processing the attention given to him. Everyone paid all their attention to him but in his mind it felt like nothing. He loved attention, negative or positive. He wanted the group to be known for terrible deeds because it would get him more attention. He would also suicide bait a lot. On multiple occasions he actually tried to attempt (? I think). There’s videos out others of him taking a ton of pills. A memory just came back to me: one day he was feeling especially interactive with the “tw-general” chat. He was originally streaming his self harm but he had to end the stream, and that’s when I realized that’s what he was doing. He was begging for people to encourage him to cut. It was on his thigh, I remember it vividly. Blood covered skin. The familiar pink and white of deep cuts. I admit, I joined in. It made him happy. He wanted everyone to do it. He was even making announcements about it. It would be out of place if I didn’t. I don’t feel as bad now because of how much I’ve realized that everything he did was bad. Guy really fucked his dog, and talked about it. Talked about zoo shit, talked about all that and how much he wanted to hurt and rape animals. HELL. HE EVEN TALKED ABOUT WANTING ADULT WOMEN TO RAPE HIM. I supported him through all of this, I just wanted his attention for some sick fucking reason. Why am I rambling about all this? Because of his behavior being normalized and glorified, and I was deeply obsessed with him, I began to mimic him, on purpose or not. He had many “irls”, basically believing you are a character. Because of this, and due to the fact that most higherups and members had them too, I began to think that characters that I was close to and related to were my “irls.” I pretended that they were, I pretended to be delusional to fit in. Now, “irls” are basically just rebranded “D/As or Delusional Attachments,” and people would get in trouble for calling them D/As because if you know it’s a delusion, it’s not a delusion, cuz that’s the nature of a delusion that you don’t know it’s a delusion. Which is true. I forced myself to believe this about myself for so long that it actually developed for me to feel as though I was actually those characters. I still struggle with this to this day. I sometimes still can’t shake the fact that I’m not certain characters from medias due to how conditioned it was.

And this leads into what my first line was about. When I still experience bad habits from this time, or am still struggling with a paraphilia I developed from the group, people look down upon me. It’s as if I’m not actively in recovery, it’s as If I somehow enjoy these feelings. Zoo things were so normalized and pushed upon people in the group that I couldn’t help but watch every-time it was sent. Same with p/do related things. Curiosity turned into a sick pleasure. I got pleasure from abusing people and being a total dickbag. Im scared to even say this stuff but it’s true. Victims of abusers can become abusers themselves. A lot of people don’t realize that. My behaviors take after him a lot and I hate it. I don’t want to be like this. Anyone who thinks I do is completely and utterly retarded [yes, I can reclaim it.]. My fellow ex members have felt the same way. In the recovery server we shared our stories and were gawked at, and shunned for what we experienced. I understand, learning that someone is a recovering zoo or p/do can be daunting, it might make you want to punch them or rip out their throat, but that’s not how you fix these problems. It just causes us to curl up in a ball and become a recluse from society due to never being accepted that we are trying to heal and recover and get better. My friend, when sharing his story from the group and mentioned that he was a p3do. In the group, being one was normalized, even appreciates and supported because of how para focused the group was. But as he was telling his story, someone from the recovery server just HAD to butt in and say something rude. I can’t even remember what they said. And after I asked them to apologize to my friend, they apologized to me? The fuck?? I was disgusted at the audacity. This was a space for people who are recovering from terrible things and conditioning and people who haven’t experienced that just walk in and shame the survivors. When I was telling my story, the same thing happened to me. HELL. THEIR COMMENT ABOUT MY STORY WAS REMOVED A LITTLE AFTER IT WAS SAID. It probably wasn’t cuz it made me uncomfortable, im pretty sure it was so they didn’t look bad. The absolute disregard for victims who don’t seem like “perfect” “typical” victims is sad. I’m glad atleast some people had agreed with me, but god fucking damn. There shouldn’t be any hidden rules about being a victim. Shit like this makes it hard for me to recover. It’s why I left the server. I want to be treated like a human fucking being.

[hogwartselementumrp]

Dear San, it is with great pleasure I welcome you back with Louis Weasley and I apologize for your late acceptance. I have to say with only the slightest bit of tongue-in-cheek teasing and 90% sincerity that the part where you named almost every person your Louis interacted with in his time here before as a connection was my favorite thing.  Some of your application may have been familiar, but my excitement was renewed fresh. Please get Louis back on our dashes soon!

OOC

Name/Alias: San Preferred Pronoun: she/her Age: 20 Timezone: Central or EST depending on whether I’m at school or at home Activity level: 6 How did you find the RP (new members): next gen rp tags

Character Information

Name of the Character: Louis Weasley

Describe the character in your own words: The words that describe Louis are conflicted and contradictory. He is lead by emotion. He feels an excess of this emotion and it leads him in opposite directions until he tears himself apart. He worships Victoire and he also hates her. He wants to be the rational Ravenclaw . He was born to follow his heart not his head.  He’s the perfect student who almost was expelled. He wants peace so he fights everyone. He thinks the women in his life are perfect goddesses that should live in a world where they are safe to be free. He treats them like they are incapable and smothers them so they feel trapped with him. He’s so hard because he’s soft and means well. He wants a perfect world so he destroys this one further. He embraces either the alphamale or the ultra fem.  He is a man  at war. 

All of that is still true but he’s become even more unstable since the fall of Hogwarts castle and closer to another breaking point.

Any changes you wish to make?:  I don’t know if it’s still a change, but the paragraph I added was not in his bio so I want to make sure that I can still play Louis as I did last time. Amber Heard would be the faceclaim still for female Louis

Louis’s imitation of Victoire wasn’t the childish game Bill saw it as. Louis deeply admires his older sister, but his wish to be her went deeper and didn’t go away completely when he got older.Some days he wants to be the knight slaying dragons and some days he looks jealously at Victoire’s long painted nails and full lips and still wishes he was born the delicate princess instead.  He doesn’t think his family could understand when he doesn’t understand himself why some days he looks in the mirror and hates his squared jaw and the stubble on his face or why he flexes his muscles and the masculine form he admired yesterday and worked hard to achieve disgusts him today. He couldn’t even tell people he was pansexual. How could he tell them this? Now that he’s out on his own and doesn’t have four other guys always around in a dorm or family looking over his shoulder , he’s started to indulge and explore these feelings, experimenting with self-transfiguration and going out at night to bars he’d tell his sisters never to go near dressed as a woman when he feels that way. He practices being a woman around strangers, and hopes his family never finds out. He considers himself a man at heart and these nights an embarrassing way to relieve stress. He believes there may be something wrong with him, and it makes him lose his temper more often.

Desired Ships, if any: I am open to any chemistry. Louis is pansexual as well as genderfluid. Any ship might struggle along with Louis as he keeps secrets and wrestles to accept himself.

Titles: beater for university quidditch team if possible. Volunteer at the university library.

Relationships:

-Luca-his mentor in the auror program and the goal he works toward. Luca seems to believe in him and so it makes him believe in himself more

-Raquel and Astrid-both of these women he feel overstep their boundaries and assume authority over him they do not have or familiarity with him they have not earned. He won’t say that it is because they are women that he feels this way when he looks up to Luca

-Sam-his former best friend and former crush. He ruined their relationship by losing his temper with Sam once and pushing him. He hasn’t been able to atone to Sam’s satisfaction and all good memories have turned bitter

-Ed-after he and Sam fell out, Louis and Ed became closer over the years. The two boys are extremely close even now that they don’t live together and are both busy with their jobs and university courses

-Johanna-a surrogate little sister to him to a greater degree than Prue and Cora because of Ed. He expects Ed to treat Dominique the same

-Nerissa-she reminds him of Dominique when they were younger and for that reason he wants to protect her from the world. He was disgusted when she told him about her crush on him and he handled it badly so they are no longer as close

-Jon-he felt personally betrayed when he found out his old workout partner was behind so many of the deaths the past few years. He will not rest until he hunts Jonathan down.

-Delphina-he thinks she’s a sweet, innocent girl lead astray by Jonathan Marks and he can appeal to her to give him some way to get to the wannabe dark lord

-Colin- he doesn’t believe Colin is good enough for his cousin or that he’s changed his ways and Louis is just waiting for him to prove it.

-Marzia- she reinforced what Louis tried to base the face he presented to the world on, appreciative of strength, bravado, and athletic talent. He and the flirtatious former Ravenclaw barely knew each other before she suffered her head injury but he sat by her bedside every day until she woke up and befriended her family like they had been dating for years as he forced her into the distressed damsel he could swear his protection toward in the future so she wouldn’t be another person he failed

-Lara, Allard, and Olivier- Louis can’t stand any of the Duponds who he thinks have failed him and the world in different ways. He doesn’t care about any redemptive arc they are on because it doesn’t make up for the past

Family Relationships:

-Bill-Louis is more distant from his father. He believes he deserved to be the favorite as the only son but he has to work hard for the love and approval Victoire and Dominique are showered in and instead of benefits of being the son all he got growing up were comparisons to Harry and Ginny’s alpha male James. He looks up to his father and seeks his approval, but he resents him for making him feel like love is a competition.

-Fleur-Louis is a complete mama’s boy, and Fleur can do no wrong in his eyes. If he hadn’t gone to Hogswarts, it would have been doubtful he’d left her side at all. They remain nearly as close to this day. There are just a few secrets he keeps from her. Even mothers need to be safeguarded.

-Victoire-Louis has always been jealous of Victoire, because she is everything people claim her to be. She deserves every bit of attention she gets, but he deems it unfair. It’s unfair she should exist. He stews in constant frustration without faulting her for the qualities he’s proud of her for. He loves his smart, beautiful, athletic sister and praises her writing and tenacity.  He hated how she used to steal the spotlight when her ego seemed never satisfied. He hates it still, but he has infinite forgiveness for her and feels ashamed when he loses the battle and says anything against her that proves he isn’t better. He’s petty and jealous that he will never measure up. He would like to be closer to her like when they were young and he used to trail after her like a duckling imitating her, but he’s too prideful to say it and afraid she doesn’t have room for him in her life.

-Dominique-Louis’s little sister is the spotlight of his world. She is the only one he has confided (mostly) everything to. She’s been his constant companion since birth. He doesn’t believe she could be capable of any malicious thought or act. She is as pure as doves and he’ll keep her that way. He is blind thinking she is the last true innocent in the world, but trying to change his mind when it comes to his baby sister is dangerous.

-Extended family-he tries to maintain a close relationship with the entire Wotter clan. Family is a stronger bond than love or hate and it’s his duty to lay his life on the line for any of them if needed. Louis is closer with most of his female cousins than the males but he is especially close with Fred with whom he has developed a long standing good cop/bad cop routine to try and monitor all the cousins’ behavior.

Para Sample

A few cardboard boxes was all their lives for the past three years had come down to. A dumpster full of charred trash and a few cardboard boxes of things worth saving.  It was up to him to decide what made it in the boxes. He was the final judge on what was garbage and what couldn't be parted with. Ironically, the girls' rooms had been spared the most. It became a test of what was worth shipping to America and what was junk anyway even if it wasn't reeking of smoke, warped, or  singed. The largest box became stuff to be donated. Things left behind that would never be missed.

The cashmere sweater was what broke him. Before that, the thought of taking anything from the house for himself that hadn't already been his to begin with never would have crossed his mind. Louis prided himself on his integrity. He wouldn't steal from his friends. The cashmere sweater made him think of how ownership had already been waved when clearing out the house was left to him. If he didn't claim it then some stranger would.  It was a purely decorative item. He could have bought a sweater for himself in the same materials and it would have been much more hardy. It would have been something to keep him warm when the months for sweater wearing came around. Men's sweaters were that way: practical and made for hard wear and tear even when you compromise for softness and fashion. The sweater in his hands was a thin, delicate, feminine thing in a shade of blush pink too short to even come to Prue's waist and sprinkled with opalescent buttons that were purely for show. He would have ripped it apart like tissue as soon as he put over his head.  It was a stark contrast to what he was wearing: an old checked shirt with two buttons missing  that smelled of beer and reminded him he'd forgotten to wash it after using it as a rag one day.  The checked shirt was one he loved. It wasn't something he was ashamed to be seen in. It was comfortable and familiar. He was an old checked shirt not a cashmere sweater with buttons that didn't serve any purpose.

He stuffed the sweater into the bottom of his box and covered it with partially charred photo albums and dishes like he was committing a crime. A green dress followed it. He would need a shrinking solution to fit into either. He knew the right dose like he knew spells to grow his hair and vanish his adam’s apple, change the pitch of his voice and transfigure his features. He'd need to find a good padded push-up bra if he was going to pull the dress off. Wily Witch's Growing Elixir only did so much when you didn't have proper breasts to begin with. There were no bras left behind. That meant buying one, and he hadn't faced that yet. Stealing one from one of his sisters would be worse so he'd have to. A floral maxi skirt he'd get more use out of completed the trio.

Ed was supposed to come help him when he got off work so Louis made sure to be gone before then. He didn't want to shut his best friend out, but some things were best left buried and shoved in the bottom of a closet until a better time came to talk about them.