#I needed Thorin to be a lesbian

[edwardallenpoe]

*dark, brooding male character with a bunch of trauma and the weight of the world on their shoulders, hair dark and oily and lined with silver from stress, bearing through his situation with gritted teeth and probably not having a happy ending* me: hmmm yeah this is awesome but there's something off...

*headcanons him as a butch lesbian* me: ohhhh ffukc.... Oh ggod. I'm gona throw ufp..

[retellingthehobbit]

Retelling The Hobbit Chapter 16: The Song of the Lonely Mountain First chapter / Previous / Next

To view full comic: Webtoon/A03 / Tumblr post with links to all chapters

Other blogs: TikTok/Instagram/Tumblr Sideblog

*crumbles into dust after finishing this* Thank you for reading! This The Hobbit webcomic adaptation thing takes a lot of effort to put together and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate every comment. I also really appreciate the people who’ve spread the word of this comic to their friends! <3

And finally, we’re at the Song of the Lonely Mountain! Within Tolkien’s canon, The Hobbit is an in-universe book that was “written” by Bilbo Baggins, who occasionally lies/embellishes/exaggerates things. The tonal differences between The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings are explained by Bilbo and Frodo/Sam being different kinds of storytellers, with different relationships to “the truth.” This idea is the core of how I’m adapting the novel!  Bilbo is an unreliable narrator who is literally ‘drawing’ from his own limited experiences;  the different art styles reflect the different perspectives of other characters.   The “dwarf art style” in this chapter is inspired by stonework/metalwork in general— but especially by a mix of art deco, Celtic art, and European folk art. 

The central tension of the comic is between Bilbo and Thorin, who each have wildly different ideas about what kind of  story they’re in. Thorin is in a grand fantasy epic, while Bilbo is in a lighthearted children’s book adventure.  The tragedy is, obviously, that only one side of the story ever gets to be fully told.

On a sillier note, a few years ago I had my first gay crush on a lesbian who sang while playing the piano. This chapter is dedicated to the piano lesbian. I hope they’re doing well, wherever they are. XD

I think I might need a bit of a break but I’m hoping for the next chapter, titled “Dawn,” to arrive on January 13th. And your comments/support really do help motivate me to get more done! ^_^

[shirefantasies]

Coming Out to Thorin's Company as a Lesbian (F!Reader)

This was definitely not inspired by anything of late, no... 😅👉🏻👈🏻 Thought this would be a perfect Sapphic September kickoff 💃🏻

Warnings: angst in some (all happy by the end though!), minor suggestive joking

Balin

"Balin?" The sound of your voice, unexpectedly timid, had the older dwarf swiveling on his heel, tails of his maroon coat fluttering a bit about his boots. "What's that, lass?" "May I speak to you?" "Of course," he answered, spreading his hands. A tentative smile crept onto your face. "What was on your mind?" He prompted as you settled in at his side, scooting as close as you could to the warm folds of his layers. "Well, it's just that the others... I think they are trying to marry me into their families." Balin shook his head at that, a hint of amusement glinting in his deep brown eyes, though no dismissal of your situation colored the way he looked at you. "None of these old fools' little brother is the sort of husband you had in mind, I trust?" With a deep draw of breath, you straightened in your seated position. "Moreso that I am not cut out for that life! That I can never see myself as wife to a husband, rather..." "Wife to a wife?" Balin supplied, bushy eyebrows raised. Lighting up like a bonfire, you nodded, gazing into the dwarf's eyes as new. "You understand!" "'course I do. You're hardly the first I've met of your sort. Now I'll not say a word to the others. Unless you want me to give them a stern talking-to, of course." "That would be great," you giggled, leaning even closer into the musky red about the secure form at your side to take Balin's arm in yours, "Just like a father. That is why I trusted you first." "Like a father," Balin repeated in a voice barely above a whisper, lips faintly smiling and tears glistening in his eyes.

Dwalin

“Look at the two of them- stone-faced as ever.” “Quite a nice couple, don’t you think?” “Oh, certainly. They’ll shut down everyone’s fun together!” Neither you nor the warrior at your side particularly appreciated the less savory stories being swapped that night, at least in Dwalin’s words “in front of Ori. He hasn’t gotten it yet, no need to scare ‘im.” That combined with the fact you both wielded axes apparently meant you were destined to wed and raise five beautiful axe-swinging maniacs. “You’ll be the one getting shut down if you don’t cut it out,” Dwalin shot back. Smirking, you internally vowed to do him one better. “As if we’d ever be together,” you added with a snort, “Maybe if he had a sister.” “Ah.” The princes glanced between you two, then themselves. “Well, why didn’t you say so?” Kili asked. “We’ll try to fix you with Gloin’s sister-in-law instead!” “Anyone would be better ‘n you two!” The older dwarf bellowed in response, casting peals of laughter over the fireside.

Thorin

“You remove yourself from us.” “You should talk,” you shot back, glancing up to meet the king’s eyes. At that, Thorin gave a conceding smirk and the faintest nod, settling at your side and bristling a bit less beneath his imposing furs. “I have little to say to that,” he admitted, “Save that much echoes in my mind.” “Indeed,” you agreed, folding your arms tighter across your chest, “Though certainly my troubles way less heavily than yours. I heard what you went through.” With a brief nod, Thorin encouraged you onward. “The first time I had feelings for another girl, well…opening up about that lost me some people. Important people. I felt like all I could do was hurt. Myself, others. Only pain seemed to follow in my wake.” “Standing strong for ourselves takes great courage,” Thorin told you, “But every time we rise, we have more to draw from. Many a time we are the only ones we have. Let that fuel the fire I see within you.” He rested a hand on your shoulder, giving a tentative smile that you returned, this time with a nod of your own. Silence and solidarity overtook you as you stood side by side and reflected, no longer alone.

Oin

“Did I hear that correctly?” Twisting that steel trumpet in his ear in a manner your brain could only perceive as painful, Oin’s gaze slid up to fix yours. Expression falling, you exhaled quickly. “Yes. But please forget it.” Tone rushed, you made to walk away, taking one long booted stride before a hand caught your shoulder. “You misunderstand me!” Oin told you. “‘S not like I can’t imagine why!” Chuckling, he loosened his grip as the muscles across your chest and shoulders relaxed. “Nothing wrong with that. I’m just surprised you chose me first,” he told you, this time much more softly, “But thank you. Anything I can help you with, you need only ask, eh?”

Gloin

“You’re quite good with that thing, you know!” Wiping some sweat from your forehead, you grinned at Gloin, whose axe you’d just parried with your spear. He nodded to the betrothal bead you wore. “No wonder you’ve snagged yourself a dwarf for a husband!” Face immediately fallen, you averted your gaze, unable to face his look of pride anymore. “What’s wrong? What did I say?” “You may not be so proud of me,” you answered, heart thudding in your chest. “Why ever not?” Lowering his weapon, Gloin closed the space between you with a warm, concerned hand upon your shoulder. “I have no husband,” you answered, “But a wife.” “Why wouldn’t I be proud of you?” The older dwarf asked at that, tone incredulous. “You still snagged yourself a dwarf, didn’t ya? I bet she’s almost as beautiful as mine! Don’t you worry none, lassie, just show me a portrait if you carry one!” Moved, you sniffled, placing your hand over his. “Thank you, Gloin. You’ve been like a father this trip.” Turning away, the dwarf took his turn to sniff at that, suddenly claiming a bout of allergies.

Bifur

“Bifur,” you signed, “You know that you have been very dear to me. Like the uncle I always wanted.” Smiling, the older dwarf fixed you with a look of interest. “I hope you still see me the same when I ask you for this help.” “Help? Help how?” He signed back, leaning forward. “How best to tell the others I like women.” “Are they trying to marry you?” He jokingly signed back, smiling and chuckling. “Not that I’d let them,” you teased, “But I think some of the older ones are trying to get me with their relatives. You and your cousins have really taken me under your wings. I feel safe with you.” You saw Bifur’s body relax, his thick brows softening in their angle. “Of course I will help you. I have an idea! And we can find each other wives!” With a great heh heh heh, he guffawed, bringing you out into a burst of laughter.

Bofur

“Well, you would understand. You’re half dwarf, aren’t you, lass?” “Me?” You asked, an indicating hand upon your chest and a look of confusion upon your face. “I don’t even look like a dwarf! Any particular reason you think that?” “That was your sister you lived with in the Blue Mountains, right? Or your half-sister and whatnot?” “Bofur,” you laughed, “That was not my sister! That was my wife! I am no half-dwarf, simply married to one.” “You’re married…to a dwarrowdam?” “I know,” you cut him off, turning away. You’d heard plenty. The shock, the invasive questions, the curses, even, and hearing it from one so sweet as Bofur would rend your heart beyond repair. Better not to look at him. “What an honor!” His chuckle of amazement turned you back around to look upon his smiling face. “Dwarrowdams don’t just choose anyone, you know. Why do you think I have no wife yet? What’s the secret? You must know, eh?” Your heart glowed at the sight of his warm hazel eyes, the way he teasingly elbowed you.

Bombur

“Yer sighin’ again. Something on your mind, dearie?” Given the nature of your exhale, you felt a pang of reluctance, but Bombur’s eyes shone so sincere and you’d seen how well he cared for others firsthand. Giving you his extra blanket, drawing your coat tighter, picking the bits you didn’t like out of the stew he ladled you. Holding you back with an arm across you as a goblin charged. You inhaled that time, breathing in a moment of comfort as your muscles relaxed, fire crackling at your back. “I suppose there is. I worry.” “About?” “About what the others would think of me if they knew. If they knew, well… that I fancy women.” Bombur’s hazel eyes widened, glittered. “Ye do?” “Yes,” you answered, nodding. “Why, that’s great!” The fiery-haired dwarf lit up, grinning. “My oldest daughter would be perfect for you! I’d been wishing I could make a real daughter of you, after all, and here comes this blessing from Mahal! …well, I s’pose, if you like her of course, guess I’m getting ahead of myself…” The embrace you yanked sweet Bombur into cut off his words, tears glinting in both your fluttering eyes.

Dori

“The others don’t understand my appreciation for nice things,” Dori remarked over the tea you shared and the fine piece of jewelry you marveled over, a delicate brooch with intricate filigree and pale blue gems, “Feels like it’s all ale and dams with them.” “And what’s wrong with dams?” You joked into your cup without thinking. “Then again, most people don’t understand my appreciation for them either.” Dori’s eyebrows shot up, but before you could brace for his concerned chastising all he did was chuckle. “I understand that one. I myself have never minded who I make my home with. Beauty exists in every form and there is no point denying that. If you find that in a lady, stick with it. No one will ever please everyone, so you’d best please yourself, my dear.”

Nori

The weight on your heart tugged down like a thick pendant as silence descended, fifteen pairs of eyes upon you. You made to turn away, gaze turning downward, right as the figure rose from his seat. Nori. “I fancy a lass or two myself!” He chimed in, wide hands upon his hips. A smile rose to his lips as his eyes met yours; his head even faintly, almost imperceptibly, nodded. Somehow of them all you hadn’t expected Nori’s support, but as soon as he’d spoken raucous laughter and teasing erupted as hands clapped the pointy-haired dwarf’s back and a few hit yours, asking your type and fighting over who had the better barmaid off somewhere for you.

Ori

“You’ve been married this whole time?” Ori gaped at you, childlike awe evident in those big brown eyes of his. “I have,” you answered with a shy smile. “Please describe him to me! I’ll make you a portrait while you’re apart.” Him. Ori’s smile, his almost pleading look, was so earnest, though, that you found yourself giving in and describing first the shape of a face, the way hair falls. “Her eyes are-” “Her?” “Yes,” you admitted quietly. “It’s a wife? You can- Oh, why didn’t you tell me! I’ve got the features all wrong for that.” Scribbling away, Ori glanced back up at you. “So you married another woman! How did you meet? How did you know you loved her? I think you two would look beautiful together. You’re both pretty.”

Fili

“Are- are you alright?” Innocent and softly-spoken as they are, the words all but jump you out of your skin, whirling you around with far more guilt than was warranted. Just as everything these days. Fili’s eyes droop a bit at the sheer agony he sees on your face. “No, you aren’t, are you? You can talk to me. You know that.” Tears threaten your eyes at that despite your smile. “What would you do,” you ask him, your own words quiet, “If some of the people you kept closest would not accept you? All because they think your love is wrong?” Softening his gaze further, the dwarven prince steps closer, opening his arms to you. “I would hold those who do that much closer,” he answers. The outer leather of Fili’s layers rubs with the gentlest friction against your cheek as your head falls down to his shoulder, your arms curling around his sturdy form. His own hold the small of your back, rubbing small circles. “No love is wrong,” he whispers, “And the one who earns your love is a lucky woman indeed.”

Kili

"Alright, you caught me." "What do you mean?" Brow furrowing, you glanced back toward Kili, who made no effort to lower the folds of the tunic he'd begun raising over his head. When your eyes met his, he gave you a wink. "I think you know. 's all right. I've been thinking about it, too." You hadn't even realized it was possible for your forehead to wrinkle any harder until it involuntarily did. "Wait, do not tell me you think that I came here to gawk at you." The dwarf prince smiled at you, expression still impish. "I think we could settle on the term 'appreciating'. After all, it's not like I've never appreciated you." "You wish," you interrupted, finally breaking into a smirk of your own, "Kili, you git, I like women. I only came back this way because I left my coat." "Oh." He finally loosened his grip, dropping the fabric back over his toned chest. His grin fell back down and his eyebrows shot up. "Oh. Forget I-" "It's forgotten." "We don't have to-" "Of course we don't." "How about that harpist back at Rivendell?" "Gorgeous. Although visiting Bilbo's people I met this one hobbit and she's the one I really haven't stopped thinking of..."

Bilbo

“Bilbo, you know I…I have no interest in men.” The hobbit had been teasing you about the way one of his neighbors looked upon you, his expression softening at your words. “I see. Women, then?” At that, you simply gave a nod. “D-don’t worry,” he held up his hands defensively, “I understand. I don’t much have interest in anyone, really. Well, like that. Unless I get to know them, then maybe…. But anyway, I’ve never put much stock into men or women or… the things they do. Much more important things in life, hm?” Humming in response, you nodded and smiled, giving his shoulder an affectionate squeeze. “Like gold and mountains and adventures, right?” “Or a good cup of tea. Crumpets? Oh heavens, I’d love a crumpet right now.” “Me too, Bilbo, me too.”

Taglist: @lokilover476 @fuckyoumakeart @kilibaggins @filiswingman @ibabblealot @stormchaser819 @pirate-lord-of-narnia @datglutengoblin @letmelickyoureyeballs @mossyskinn @wordbunch @tiny-and-witchy @th3-st4r-gur1 @fleurdemiel-145 @mistresskayla-blog1 @misabelle717 @h0n3y-l3m0n05 @evattude @noodlesduck | Reply/Message/Ask to join 🖤

[hairasuntouchedaspartoftheamazon]

sometimes I just fall in love with Ao3 and the people on it all over again, so have a list of things I've seen recently that make me so happy this website exists:

someone who has 39 works, all for the same pairing, and every single one of them has 'to my boyfriend' in the summary

A fic where the author's note says "I needed to write this crossover before anyone else did" but babes, no one else in the whole world was thinking of this crossover

That very specific brand of Star Wars fic where people say "I'm writing Luke Skywalker as a weird desert hick, using my vast experience growing up as a weird desert hick"

That one person who set a fic in my hometown and got every detail right because they grew up there too and every day I have to fight not to doxx myself in the comments to tell them that they got it so right, and that I visit the fic sometimes because it stays the same even if the town hasn't

Every fic that starts out with the author going "hey, so I think this fictional man is a lesbian" and ends with the author going "so I've discovered that I myself am gay and trans" power to ya

To the friend who wrote an OC focused fic, but the OC was based on me and given the name of a girl we both hated

To that person who wrote an entire fic on the premise of my favorite train line being magical. I see you. I love you.

The fic I can't find anymore where the author's notes at the beginning said "I am a lesbian version of Thorin Oakenshield does anyone want me" and the author's notes at the end, three years later, say "this bitch got married because of this fic"

[ex-textura]

Look, I don't want to make you ramble but I want to: I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT CALEC'S TIEFLING FAMILY 😭 is Milo the youngest? Are the twins a bit creepy like twins are sometimes? BARD MOM? (i love me some female bards) WHO ARE THESE AMAZING BEINGS I WANT DESCRIPTIONS

Oh you always know just want to say 🤭

OKAY! We're doing this, I'm gonna make a cut cause I'm gonna ramble and there's gonna be pics okayletsgo!

First, let's start with some introductions, starting with the parents.

Caelestia Breeland: A tiefling bard from the home of devil summoning, Cheliax. She's beautiful, she knows she's beautiful, and if she has her way she'll be beautiful until the stars burn out. She sings, dances, plays a bunch of instruments and, most importantly, she's a damn fine cook. She loves her kids, and she loves her husband. A lot. So much. Like, think Morticia and Gomez Addams these folks are having kids into their 40s and beyond they LOVE love each other and they don't hide it, much to their kids' chagrin. She's the "fun mom"

Speaking of her husband, Thorin Breeland: Thorin is a human ranger from the frozen Land of the Linnorm Kings. He made his way south looking for adventure, found Breachill and The Call for Heroes which is an event regularly held by the town when the people need adventurers. That's where he met Caelestia and fell in love. She thought he was quaint, he thought she was hot, it was a match made in heaven. She got pregnant with their first child and they got married shortly after at the ripe age of 18 and settled down in the town where they met. That worked out so well for them that they decided to keep it up and had 4 more kids after that. One of his wife's favourite things about him is just how normal and plain he is, which is unfortunate for him because none of his kids seemed to pick up that trait, and Milo is still a little too young to tell.

Speaking of kids, I'll skip the first born(we don't talk about him) and move to the next set. The Twins.

Jules Breeland: Jules is, by trade and passion, a rogue. Her whole life all she's ever wanted to do was disturb shit and look hot doing it and by god she's killing it. She's the only kid other than Calec who inherited their mother's tail and unlike her kid brother she leaned into that, and has trained herself to use it as either a distraction or a slightly clumsier third hand. Her thievery is a great boon while they're adventuring but Thorin has a hell of a time keeping her out of trouble at home. Caelestia doesn't care, she thinks it's good to keep practicing and if her daughter is gonna show up with a beautiful new pearl necklace for her and the guards aren't looking their way then who is she to question her good fortune? She's an absolute disaster lesbian.

Which brings me to, Freya Breeland: Freya looks like the least troublesome of the two sisters but actually that's just a carefully constructed ruse. Freya is a witch, a fire-starter, and an absolute fucking nuisance. She takes after her mother when it comes to her beauty and penchant for using it to her advantage and she lives to tease her kid brother. She wasn't born with the same kind of inherent magic as some of her siblings, so she used her head and reached out to some...less scrupulous benefactors, got herself a magical patron and hasn't looked back since. Her hawk familiar, Apollo, is her closest confidant after her dear sister and while at one point the bird used to try and reign in her chaotic tendencies now he just rolls with it. Despite the chaos, Freya is a genuinely kind and loving person and she'd do anything for her family even though she sometimes shows that by casting curses on them and animating Calec's toys when he was a child and convincing him they were haunted and giving him nightmares for months... but I digress. She took to potion crafting like a moth to flame, and her proudest achievement to date is figuring out the formula for Serum of Sex Shift and crafting it for Jules for her birthday. She's a distinguished member of the Pathfinder Society, like her sister and parents.

We know him, we love him. Calistair Breeland: I won't dwell too much on Cal cause he already gets all the spotlight but his place in the family is special. He adventured with the Breeland Bunch for a bit before Milo was born and then, as the next youngest and least experienced, it became his responsibility to stay home and take after the wean while the rest of the family went on an adventure. He took up a job as a blacksmith apprentice and quickly became lead smith at Quarters while also occasionally doing security on caravan runs and other shorter escorting gigs to keep food on the table while the family was away. He was a flirt and a troublemaker in his youth, a spoiled brat and the kind of pretty boy that knows he can get away with everything. He takes after his mom. Taking care of Milo, though, settled him a little bit and he's finally caught up to his age. He idolized his older brother, the oldest in the family and a Champion of Desna.... the first adventure they went on without Calec, though, his brother never returned from, and there's been a rage boiling inside of him over it ever since.

I don't have a mini for Milo because...it's darn hard to make a kid on heroforge lol. Anyway!

Milo Breeland: Milo is the baby. 8 years old, and Calec's biggest fan. He's smart, cheerful, inquisitive. He spends his days with his nose in books reading tales about heroes just like his family and insists he's going to go on adventures with Calec some day and save people. He looks the most like his father with his red hair and pale skin and big green eyes. The only sign of fiendish blood in him is the sharp incisors that have started to grow in. His mother babies him whenever she's home and seems to favour him, which pisses Calec off for reasons he's not ready to confront yet. Calec, who tbh used to be kind of a whore, won't date anyone anymore unless they're Milo approved and treat the kid with the respect he deserves. Milo adores Rehgar.

And then we have the animals, that I'm gonna breeze through. Ursa and Fenn:

Thorin's animal companions. Ursa is a sweet lady who loves her family, curls up with Milo every chance she gets, and is fiercely, fiercely protective. She likes to eat maybe too much, and snores like a beast. Fenn is a clever wolf (heroforge only had dogs suspend disbelieve and pretend he's massive lol) and younger than Ursa. He favours Calec and the two of them often caused a lot of trouble together when Cal was younger. Now, when they're together, he's Calec's training buddy. Calec can almost keep up with Fenn's speed now, and his goal is to outrun him.

I didn't include any info on Calec's older brother because, tbh, I decided I wanted my GM to cover that and I love the mystery xD No one ever speaks about him, they won't talk about what happened, and Calec is starting to think maybe he's going a little bit crazy. Milo was too young to remember him and now after all this time Calec is starting to worry he's imagined everything so I'm keeping the details I do know about him very vague on purpose lol. All he has left is Celeste, his frankly oversized polearm that he crafted through his mourning with the fragment of his brother's starknife that the family brought home, as a reminder that he ever existed at all.

I wanna run a game where everyone plays a member of this family and put them through so much shit ;;

[maeofthenoldor]

Fanfic Writer Ask Game

💥 👻 💌

-Thorin Oakenshield

Thanks for the ask Thorin <3

💥 What is one canon thing that you wish you could change?

Fëanor's death. He died so suddenly and so randomly and we didnt get the chance to see how he would act and lead the noldor and beleriand. Its disappointing because I often think about how things would change. Would maedhros have been captured? how would fingolfin react when he finally confronted with his brother again? I would love to see it play out.

👻 What is your wildest headcanon?

someone has already asked this, but i'm going to give another wild headcanon. Tar-Mirel was one of the Nazgul 💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?

Out of the fic ive written, most of them had the same trope of, "their was only one bed." I dont know if its because i'm a lesbian but ladies need to stop sharing beds and not expecting to fall in love 🤷

[8-opossums]

People you’d like to know better tag game!

I was tagged by @tripleyeeet, hello there

Three ships

* Ead Duryan x Sabran Berethnet - From Priory of the Orange Tree. What can I say? I’m a sucker for a Queen and her handmaiden/protector falling in love while the drama of court and the world falling into chaos.

* Lae’zel x Shadowheart - From the very beginning of the game I was just thinking “if those two makes out sloppy style, I think it would solve their issues.”

* Insert let’s got lesbians gif

* Bilbo x Thorin - I recently re-watched the Hobbit trilogy and it reminded me how I loved that ship so I’m gonna put it on here.

Last Film

* As I said I just rewatched The Hobbit trilogy, as well as the Spiderverse movies, Fnaf, and Over the Garden Wall.

Currently Watching

* It’s a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie… Look I love the muppets and my family put up our Christmas Tree after Thanksgiving. We eat pizza, put up the tree and watch a Christmas movie while doing it. Also it has Mathew Lillard, David Arquette, Whoopi Goldberg, and the Scrubs cast so.

* Rewatching Arcane since season 2 has been announced, and The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance. Netflix, I will never forgive your for cancelling that show, I’m comin’ for your teeth.

Currently Reading

* Finished A Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes last week and goddamn is Coriolanus unhinged.

* Currently stuck between starting necromancy lesbians in space, dnd lesbians, women indulging in some cannibalism, mom creates a monster with pieces of her dead son, or re-read Percy Jackson.

Currently Consuming

* Physically - hot chocolate, even though I have a terrible cough and probably shouldn’t drink milk, but oh well.

* Media - Baldur’s Gate 3, Destiny 2, and the new Mario Game.

Currently Craving

* Physically - I could really CONSUME a cinnamon roll. The cafe near my school has boba and baked goods. Could really go for a Bee’s Knees boba and a cinnamon roll.

* I also need to get caught up on my worksheets at school (cosmetology) due to being out because of being sick.

* Health insurance to not be such a nightmare.

I’ll tag @Arabian-magic, @iamthekawaii, @notnowtobey, and whoever else wants to!

[astridwrynn]

fem bagginshield in a modern au because brainrot goes hard–

[aurembiaux]

I saw @roselightfairy do this and, since the post said anyone was invited to do it, I thought I would. This has been my most productive year and I want to take the time to reflect about it and put it in words ^^

2021 Year-End Fic Review

How many stories did you complete?

22 fanfics ranging from 300 words to 12k, plus a novel that I had already started last year.

What is your total word count for the year?

55k in published Tolkien fanfics

90k in Tokien fanfics that are yet to be published or completed

15k in finishing a novel

10k in correcting another

18k in beginning a third one

What fandoms did you write in this year?

Tolkien, exclusively, although both Hobbit and LOTR

Did you write more, less, or roughly about what you expected?

Much more than expected when it came to fanfics -but less than what I had hoped when it came to my own stories. Then again, that’s hardly surprising, since they take more time to planify, and I am working and studying at the same time.

What’s your own favorite story of the year?

Now, that’s a difficult one. I have to name Terra Incognita, my fic in which Faramir has only ever bedded men and Éowyn has only ever bedded girls, and neither has found the courage to tell the other for social and cultural reasons -I had so much fun writing that story for one of my OTPs of all time. But To kill a dragon (in which cryptanalyst Bilbo finds a secret agent and 13 Jews scaping the Reich under his roof in 1941) is also very dear to me because of its message and how much I learnt writing it. And what I am needs no excuses, however (in which Sam needs from the 40s to the 80s to understand that he is in love with Frodo) is a fic in which I poured my soul, and it’s given me the sweetest comments I have ever received.

On the other hand, I really love the novel I am writing right now, so there’s that, too.

What is your most underappreciated story of the year?

Uh, that’s a difficult one, too. I always hope Surpises (a high school Fíli/Sigrid/Ori) will get more love, but I am aware of how rare the pairing is, so I understand it doesn’t get a lot of attention. The Queen’s favour is not doing bad, but I think it could do better (lesbian Bilbo and Thorin in corsets! Having sex in a maze! Come on!). And what I am needs no excuses is not doing bad, either, but I would love if it got more attention, and not only for selfish reasons -when people write comments on it they really seem to enjoy it.

Biggest fanfic-related disappointment of 2021

Mmmm I couldn’t really say.

Biggest fanfic-related surprise of 2021?

So many! I would have to mention @determamfidd completing Sansûkh, of course, and learning that @perkynurples and @alienfuckeronmain planned to keep on writing for the Tolkien fandom were big joys as well. If you are in the Spanish Harry Potter fandom you know what it means that Irati has announced the Marauder!Crack will be republished and extended this year -fucking huge. And I still can’t belive Allora Gale would add new chapters to Dauntless after all this time.

Last but not least, my Terra Incognita was translated to Chinese, which I wasn’t expecting at all and still can’t belive.

Something you’re looking forward to working on in 2022?

So many things! I have tons of works planned, but I am particularly looking forward to keep on working in my WWII in Middle Earth AU, a Very Long Thing that I hope to publish the following year.

[lesbiankiliel]

aight, excuse me, I need a moment.....

I.... this was perfect. there's no other word for it

so this is it then. the end of this fic, and the end of an era. sansukh has been there for me through my twenties, through some of my hardest times, through at least three phones on which I've liveblogged the chapters, and it's been an incredible journey

dets, thank you. thank you for taking us on this journey. it's been long and sometimes hard, but also so satisfying all the way. thank you for your amazing characterization of canon characters and thank you for all the original characters as well. they've been a delight to get to know (special shout-outs to gimizh, wee thorin, laerophen, laindawar, kara, jeri, and baris crystaltongue. the latter two have been so important for me when I was in search for my identity as a nonbinary lesbian)

and now it's time to bid this amazing, brilliant, incredible story the fondest farewell

[c0ffee-gremlin]

LotR Modern AU

Frodo:

His parents were in a car accident when he was still a baby, Bilbo and Thorin are his godparents so they raised him.

Now lives in the Baggins’ ancestral home (aka Bag End) by himself since Bilbo left it to him.

Grew up with Merry and Pippin as they’re his family. Grew up with Sam because the Hamfast is Bilbo’s gardener.

A Levels: Classical Studies, Latin, French

Has a BA in Modern Languages with Latin

Two years older than the rest of his friends.

Gets wrecked but recreationally when Merry’s around even though he shouldn’t because it makes him paranoid.

Sam:

Family owns the local garden centre, he’s helped out with both the garden centre and the cafe since he was little. 

Took a vocational course in Horticulture instead of taking A Levels and has a Level 3 Qualification. 

“But what if we get in trouble?”

Very passionate about environmental issues.

Gets really bad munchies when he’s stoned and usually ends up cooking for them all at like one am. 

Merry:

A Levels: Computer Science, Photography, Food Tech

Has a BSc in Computer Science 

Horror movie connoisseur. 

Is definitely a gamer. 

The stoner friend who provides the weed for the brownies.

Him and Merry found magic mushrooms on the moors once and basically broke into Bag End at two am telling Frodo they need to fucking leave right fucking now because there’s giant bloody cows and they’re coming after us.

Aromantic and asexual

Pippin:

A Levels: Drama, Photography, Food Tech

Wants to go into theatre, will probably still be working in Tesco’s ten years from now but that’s valid and we love that for him.

The baby of the group, obviously. 

Trans and asexual

Gandalf:

Owns a law firm.

Basically Frodo’s fun, if not irresponsible gay uncle. 

Keeps an eye on Frodo now that Bilbo’s busy world-travelling.

“You shouldn’t be smoking that stuff,” he says as he takes a drag from his pipe. 

Aragorn:

Moved away from his family due to disagreements as soon as he could when he was a teen but he eventually returns when his father dies to find out he’s left him the stables in his will. 

Definitely, absolutely DOES NOT grow weed.

Bisexual and definitely not dating Boromir who is definitely Not Gay. 

Boromir:

Met Aragorn at university, after Aragorn’s dad died he moved back to Aragorn’s home town with him.

Helps Aragorn run the stables. (They’re lesbians Sharon.)

He’s gay but don’t tell him I told you.

Legolas:

Works as a stablehand at Aragorn’s stables.

Says ‘eat the rich’ to Thranduil in place of saying goodbye.

Thinking Aragorn respectable, Thranduil sent him to work for him, Aragorn is stinky and hates elitism as much as Legolas so they get on well (don’t tell Thranduil that.)

Is in a constant state of being done with his dad. 

Is actually very good at show jumping. 

Probably runs a tumblr blog.

Hunts ghosts and explores abandoned buildings in his spare time.

Also part of the doesn’t feel romantic attraction squad™.

Is in a committed relationship with communism and nature. 

Non-binary but in the way he literally doesn’t give to shits what you call him or how you perceive him.

Raids Thranduil’s designer clothes and donates them.

Gimli:

Is the farrier for Aragorn’s horses.

Him and Legy have Something Going On but they’re certainly not labeling it.

Looks like he listens to heavy metal, exclusively listens to pop music and some classic rock.

Bisexual and demiromantic

Bilbo:

Gay eccentric and was mysterious when he lived in the big ancestral Baggins house on the edge of town, a role Frodo seems to have easily grown into. 

Was Gandalf’s business partner. 

Settled down with Thorin properly after Thorin has to retire from rugby after breaking his leg. (Idk in what way but a way that meant he couldn’t play anymore lmao.)

Retired shortly after Frodo started University to travel the world with Thorin.

Comes back once a year especially for his and Frodo’s joint birthday.

[justalittlehoneybee]

Hey friend! I was joking on my other blog about how Bofur would be the ultimate Lesbian Ally, and I was wondering if you could write some Headcanons or short Imagines about how Bofur, Thorin and Bilbo might react to their youngest member/adopted daughter coming out as a Lesbian and getting a girlfriend. Sorry if that's a weird question, it's alright if you don't want to answer this, but I can't get this scenario out of my head now. Thanks so much, happy Holidays!

Okay okay so I LOVE this concept so much!! And thank you for sending it in love!

Okay first off Bofur a literally ray of sunshine

He would welcome you with open arms and support you through and through.

You may not be his biological daughter but that won’t stopping him from being there for you and loving you like a father.

Your parents kicked you out? Bold of you to assume Bofur won’t ADOPT YOU ON THE SPOT.

You need a place to stay? You are always welcome at Bofurs home!

Literally just need a hug? Who gives better hugs then Bofur!

And if pride parades were a thing in middle earth he would wear a shirt that says “Proud dad of my lesbian daughter” to it and he would strut around with it on.

When you get a girlfriend he will ship you guys more than anyone else.

Like I can not put into word how loving and supportive he would be.

Oh and of course he walks you down the isle at your wedding! He bawled like a baby

Nexttt Thorin!

We all know Thorin would be a supportive dad but also a protective dad™️

Thorins also not the best with expressing his emotions

So when you tell him, he would stand there for a sec processing while you look on nervous. Then he steps forward and places his hands on both you shoulders. “I’m so proud of you and love you no matter what” and then he pulls you in a big hug.

Now like I said he is very protective. So if he sees some boys flirting with you or bugging you he will stolk over there, gently grab your shoulder and pull you out of there, then come back and let’s just say those boys go...missing for a while :)

When you introduce your girlfriend, he is very awkward but makes sure you both know he supports you.

Like I said with bofur, he may not be your actual father but he will always love you and keep you safe

Now Bilbo!

Oh this soft, sweet cinnamon roll

He would probably be one of the most accepting honestly

If you get kicked out by your family, he will not hesitate to bring you into his home

He makes sure you are told you are loved every day

And he may be small but Bilbo will take down anyone who messes with you

Just all around 10/10 lesbian ally

You are basically Bilbos daughter too

He will definitely have a lesbian or pride flag hung up somewhere (if those exist in middle earth??)

And he would be SO SO proud of you

Like literally will come up and hug you at random moments just telling you of how proud he is

AKSJKJ writing this made me so soft!! These dorks are so cute

[incorrectdmp]

Tag Guide

i have finally updated this tag guide are yall proud of me.

General tags:

#quote / incorrect quotes: wowee it’s incorrect quotes its what this blog is for

#meme: it’s memes babey

#dmp/discord murder party: pretty much everything is tagged with this. this is less for blog navigation and more if anyone wants to search dmp on tumblr

#chaos van: sometimes! this blog ISN’T DMP actually!!! once chaos van starts or gets closer to starting i’m probably gonna rebrand this blog to be incorrect chaos van, but for now everything in this tag is Charlie/CG dynamics, and anything that hypothetically fits into the post-canon storyline! shevanigans ensue

#submission: submit stuff! either you or me will tag it as this!

#out of context spoilers: I do these whenever a new episode drops. dont click them if you dont want spoilers for the latest episode

#personal favourite: the best of the best babey. these are my personal favs, i tag em as such for easy access for anyone who wants the funniest content and also find some that are prime content to draw. yes i spell favourite correctly dont @ me

#working week / #camp streamix: sometimes i do quotes with these official aus. go wild. 

Character Tags:

#Murder God: I’ve fixed up the MG tag system because this bitch has 3000 names and we’re going with 3 of em depending on the point in the timeline. #murder god for anything from the in-show timeline, seasons 1-4. #charlie for anything specifically post when she takes on her new name in s4, but the MG tag is there for consistency. #cassie howards SPECIFICALLY for human MG and nothing else. all side b quotes with her fall under this. she changes so drastically as a person and so strongly doesn’t associate herself with cassie howards anymore that i believe it’s only fair to keep these tags entirely separate. 

#Doctor McGillicutty: hwat hwat science man but actually he’s super sad wowee 

#Vincent Reid: gun man take me by the hand lead to to the land mr team dad

#Grace Garden: gosh golly gee grace garden! you’ve sure got a tumblr tag!

#Tommy Gwendolyn: haha cancer arms gamer boy 

#Percy Blackwood: he was told to be there or be square and chose square c:

#Christine Forks: momther ;A;

#Juniper / Juniper NLN /  Junior :  okAY I THINK THIS IS MY FINAL SET OF TAGS FOR THIS FUCKER im gonna openly weep bro is perceiving me dont look at meeeee >:( (i love juniper)

#Valencia Lynch: she’s just vibin’ :)

#Thorin Blue: no longer baby, wants power

#Yugo Hernandez: i went to edit these tag descriptions and realized i forgot to unkill yugo. uhhhh insert crimes’ “i never kill characters” statement here. 

#Hailey Huang: TRANS RIGHTS POWER LESBIAN HELL YEAHHHH

#Ezra Crane: big man on caaaaaampus

#Stephen Cutter: pleasant ste :)

i dont have that many quotes for the other cutt men but they were more important to the plot than i originally anticipated so i’m putting them on here

#Guy le Cutaux: the moral of discord murder party is everyone can be redeemed, except the french

#Mr GcMillicutty: the worlds’ sexiest man but like SOMETIMES thats a joke and sometimes it’s not??? how can this man radiate vibes ranging from utterly rancid to weirdly hot to strangely adorable? 

#Chaos God / Ozolthog: the perfectly engineered concoction of tumblr sexyman (alastor), tumblr sexyman (spamton), and Your One Weird Uncle ™ combined with deep moral complexities, in which on this blog of maximum shitposting, the latter tends to be ignored. (both tags will be used for DMP quotes! just ozolthog will be used for chaos van!)

#Cernos / Kadath / Her /  Ælethias / Baku: i really need more black star quotes but like. theyre here, theyre queer, they fill me with much fear 

#Side B (also tagged with individual characters): side b gang gang pls submit more quotes for them i want content

#Zephirah: i had zephi on this blog mostly as a non canon joke but hey she’s actually a chaos van character uhhhh insert v-word joke here

There MAY be quotes on here with masks/minor characters/ reflections. i’m not sure i’ve tagged them all but if youre curious for content specific to one very particular character just search, i can’t guarantee i tagged it though

Fun tags!:

these tags are fun reoccurring trends in my blog, so if you wanna look for a specific kind of thing i tend to post a lot, here’s the tags i currently use:

#modern day adventures: sometimes the awakened from the past learn about modern day stuff. shenanigan ensue

#THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING: valencia and grace certainly have a dynamic. that dynamic is absolute petty hatred of each other. i love it.

#SHUT UP PERCY: this is mostly in a loving way but percy is a fucking dumbass and also is relentlessly bullied a lot

#shipping: perlencia, valezra, murder god and like. five other people. you want shipping content, it’s here!

#orange crayon: juniper and grace just bein’ buds. grace doesnt understand metaphors, and thus, the orange crayon

#group chat au: this is kind of more of a blanket for any quote that includes the awakened texting / mentioning them using phones because canonically they dont have access to that but the dmp twitters exist as well as the group chat au made on the fanserver

#let the child say fuck: thorin should not be allowed to do many of the things they are allowed to do. this makes for peak comedy

#i’ve connected the dots you didn’t connect shit: grace cannot interact with the cutt clan to save her life. makes for great comedy though.

#not quite incorrect: stuff that’s either ungodly in character or stuff that pretty much verbatim happened in canon 

#Requote: I’ve had this blog since like S2. Sometimes I just wanna redo old quotes with new, updated dynamics okay? CONTENT IS HARD

[stevespookington]

Could you share a preview for the "to be named winter holidays fic" 💖

thanks for asking dim! you have already seen part of this but I haven't written much else yet so here it is again!

the fic featuring lesbian dis/vili being dumbasses trying to set thorin up :3 im very excited to write a fuck ton of fluff for this like holiday romcom levels of fluff

Bilbo scanned his list, making sure he had everything he needed written down. He still had to get gifts for Thorin’s family, but soon he would be on his way to Erebor for the holidays. They had reconnected at their university’s reunion a couple of months ago and discovered they both did their share of pining in their youth. After they groaned over missed chances and elapsed time, Thorin shyly suggested that they escape the party to one of their old haunts. From there, as they say, the rest was history.

His phone chimed from the bedside table and Bilbo reached for it with a small huff of laughter at Thorin’s panicked message. It was always something with that idiot, but he was Bilbo’s idiot.

T: sooo, I may have made an error

B: what did you do now babe

T: wellll, you know how I mentioned I was eating at my sisters?

B: …

T: so it turns out they wanted to set me up and started mentioning all these friends that they have and that they worried and all

B: at which point you said that we were dating and that was it right

T: well I said that I reconnected with you at our college reunion and they thought I was making up a fake bf

B: seriously??

T: YEAH. and then when I convinced th you were real they thought we had like a bargain where we could fake date in case of stuff like this

B: thorin wtf

T: yeah my family is really stupid

T: but yeah they think that we are fake dating cause it’s the holidays and they watch too many movies

T: and think we are incompetent and are pining

B: nah that’s so 15 years ago

T: yeah exactly, anyways. you are evidently invited to Durins day celebrations and Yule and what not

T: they are making bets on how long it takes us to confess

B: omg babe wtf

B: well I was already coming you know that cause you know the alternative is the sackville-baggins since it’s their turn to host so yeah sign me up lol

B: also, figure out what the bets are

[gamgeesgarden]

If you have time, would it be alright to ask for a lotr and/or hobbit match up??? Stinky little profile below (-:

☪ 19 yrs - lesbian (but seeing as there are so many men, I don't mind if I'm matched with one of them) - short/chubby- too long black hair/blue eyes - afflicted with the curse(adhd)

☪ Incredibly awkward and bad at social niceties/conversation. Idk how friendship works ( but I love my friends more than anything) so I am sometimes too loud and overshare if I am very comfortable with you. I always™ stop to pet stray animals.

☪ I love history, especially ancient history. I strive to learn as much as I can and try to appreciate what came before me. I own a harp I have yet to learn to play, and prefer to spend my time reading/playing video games. The best place to be is outside trekking around in the woods. My favorite place to relax is the cemetery on warm days. I long for adventure and a sword.

I hope this is workable ( and not too long )! Thank you for taking time to consider this message! And thank you for being my favorite blog on tumblr dot com, your posts always make me smile <3

Upon writing this I realized that there are only 2 major female characters in The Hobbit (and Galadriel barely counts in my opinion because she is only in a few scenes), and three in LOTR. I would have killed to have seen Thorin’s sister and Kili and Fili’s mother, Dis, in the movies.

Arwen is very patient and understanding during awkward social situations and somehow knows what you mean to say without you having to say it. She loves hearing about your world and your interests, and Rivendell has a plethora of resources for learning about history and anything else you might want to discover. Elves (especially those in Rivendell) are quite talented musicians, so you would learn how to play the harp and no time and she often likes to wind down the day by brushing out her hair while listening to you practice. She is also adventurous enough that she would love to spend time exploring with you and the pair of you can often be found traversing the woods and forests around Rivendell, sometimes you even go on longer trips to visit places like the Shire or even Gondor once.

Looks like you’ll be chilling in Rivendell because your Hobbit matchup is Lindir! His name means to chant or sing and he is one of the elves that would listen to Bilbo’s poetry reading, so many speculate he may have been a minstrel. He would love to teach you to play the harp and the two of you could spend hours in the library learning, with him often leaning over to ask about what you are reading in an attempt to get you to start on a spiel about your interests since he loves it but would never say it out loud. He is a big softie so he is often doing things to try to make you smile without being obvious like “accidentally” wandering to where he knows a rabbit burrow is, or needing you to come with him on a short adventure that he “just can’t help” even though he very clearly doesn’t have to do it. You totally know what he’s doing but you don’t say anything because he’d just deny it.

[downwiththedoorpoole]

Feel free to ignore this, its me rambling about an oc that I'm making before I forget it all.

Ok so dwelf, loves nature and smithing, she is a tattoo/piercing artist but she's one of the only piercing artists because its a culture from a foreign land that was off somewhere reclusive. Lives in the shire because they have need for her smiting skill + muscle from dwarrow side (mothers) but she has the grace and nature touch thing from her elf side (fathers). She seems stubborn as all hell until you actually get to know her but then she is really nice but still really stubborn, has been a friend of bilbos for a while before Gandalf asks her to join the company (without asking thorin ofc). She's polyamourus but in dwarrow culture (in my headcanon, don't stab me) its typically guys that have more than one wife than girls having several husbands. In my hc, its also incredibly common for dwarrow to be gay but its somewhat looked down upon (not really but its like seen as strange and unresourceful because there is less dwarrow-dam) for it to be lesbians.

So when she joins the company thorin, dwalin and kili (and/or fili i haven't decided) are like "shes my one" (but in khuzdul but they see her as a half breed so they don't think she knows the language but she does) but they are also like "ew half breed elf" so they don't want to be her ones (except kili, he's a simp) but then instincts be like "yes you love" so they are being jealous because bofur is a lovely gentleman and is actually nice to her and so is gandalf and bilbo (obviously). That was all one sentence im sorry. So then balin (because he's amazing) is like "we might as well be at least civil to her".

And then skip like a bit of the story, bam they are in the chase seen outside rivendell with the wargs and radagast is like "you should trust her shes great and a friend to animals" (maybe has slight magical powers and animals understand her, im not really sure). And they are all like "no?" But then they find out a sword (or axe) that dwalin (or maybe fili) picked up from the troll cave is actually made by her from when she was staying in rivendell with her father (maybe like a century ago) and they are all like "thats pretty cool. But ur still half elf >:(" and shes like :'(.

But then she saves someone's life, idk who.

I should probably keep developing her personality so: shes kind, incredibly talented with her work (smithing, tattooing and piercing) kind of stubborn and loves animals. I'm probably going to write her like I would write myself but ✨female✨ and not as dead inside. She is incredibly self conscious around elves because some of them were really mean to her when she went to stay with her father due to him being from a high and noble family but she is a mix of their race and dwarrow.

Thats probably not all of it but I can't write it down because my brain won't tell me what it is ☹ and I can't figure out a name for her.

If anyone wants to suggest anything or ask me anything, please send me an ask. :)