#I need to go beat the shit out of so many billy goats cause I need so many moonbean aqueducts but I'm not paying 600g a pop for them

[acornrising]

just gonna have to do cheap little tip gigs at the pub until he gets a name and also a more appropriate scene

[dyscrasia-eucrasia]

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Part 23

Elaine glared daggers at Angel the entire time he sat on the couch, waiting for Demie to get ready. He wasn't really sure what was taking so long - Demie didn't really seem like the kind of guy to spend a long time fussing over his appearance. Regardless, he really wished Demie would hurry up. He was afraid that if it took much longer, Elaine was going to snap and get a knife from the kitchen and murder him. 

"Okay, we can go," Demie said, opening the door to his room and stepping out. He didn't look at all different from normal - his hair needed to be brushed, his stubble hadn't been shaved, his hooves were caked in dirt. He wore a Led Zeppelin shirt and nothing else - which Angel guessed was normal, but it was a little weird that he walked around with his balls just hanging out, even if they were covered with fur. He had a beat up old backpack slung over one shoulder, but otherwise didn't carry anything else. 

"Here," Elaine said, holding out her cellphone. "Take this with you. If anything happens - ANYthing - call the house. I'll come get you right away." 

"Yeah, yeah, I got it," Demie said, walking over to take the phone. As he did, Elaine gave Angel another nasty look. 

"You sure you don't want me to come with you guys?" She asked. 

"It's fine." 

"Are you SURE?" 

"Yeah. It's fine. I'll be okay." 

"'Cause I can come with you." 

"It's fine." 

"If anyone asks about your horns or legs--" 

"It's a costume, I know. I've got some tapes with me, if anyone asks I'll hand some out. It'll be like promoting the band." 

"If you're SURE--" 

"YES, I'm sure," Demie stressed. He glanced over to Angel, giving him a 'back me up over here' look. Angel held up his hands as a way of saying, 'you're on your own.' He really didn't want to run afoul of Elaine, and he knew that taking Demie out into the city was already pushing it. 

"Be careful, okay?" Elaine said. Angel thought she sounded like a worried mom. 

"I will be," Demie replied, sounding like a teenager trying to prove his responsibility. 

Elaine turned her attention back to Angel, narrowing her eyes. Angel was worried he would combust on the spot, her look was so angry. "Do not let ANYTHING happen to him," she said through gritted teeth. 

"I promise I'll take good care of your boy," he replied. 

Demie glanced between Elaine and Angel, his face quizzical. He looked like he didn't quite understand the tension between them. Bless his heart, Angel thought. He was great, but also so dumb. 

"Alright, you ready?" Angel said, looking back at Demie and flashing him a smile. 

"Yeah. Let's go," Demie said, adjusting the straps of his backpack. He was trying to sound casual, but Angel could see how the muscles in his shoulder and neck were tense. Once again he had that look of a startled animal getting ready to flee. 

They made their way outside, down from the deck and over to Angel's car. Elaine followed them to the steps, arms folded over her chest. She continued to glare at Angel until he got in the car and could no longer see her. Demie followed him, nearly folding himself in half to get all six and a half feet of himself into Angel's tiny sedan. Even with the chair lowered as far as it would go, his horns still brushed the roof of the car. 

"Ready?" Angel asked, giving Demie another smile. 

"Yeah, let's go," Demie said, looking straight ahead. 

Angel drove slowly down the dirt road, not in any particular rush. Despite Demie's assertions that he was fine, he was definitely tense, and Angel didn't want to rush him. Demie had confided in him that this was his first time ever going to a music festival. 

"What is this?" Demie said after a while, nodding to the car's stereo. 

"Hm? You've never listened to Panic at the Disco?" 

"No. It's weird." 

"Whatever. Sticks and stones, man. I'm used to getting bullied for my music tastes." 

"No, I mean…" Demie drummed his fingers on his knees for a moment. "I've just never heard anything like it." 

"You've never listened to emo?" 

"What's that?" 

Angel laughed. "I guess I shouldn't be surprised, since you live under a rock… where do you even get music from, anyways?" 

"Elaine," Demie said with a shrug. "Mar and I didn't even know what metal was until we met her." 

"That's so interesting," Angel said. "She doesn't really strike me as a metalhead." 

"She used to be. But now she listens to all this Japanese music and it sucks. It's so... happy-happy-happy, and everyone sounds like a chipmunk." 

"Mm, yeah, I could never get into the J-pop stuff." 

"But you're Asian." 

"Yes, Demie, I'm Asian. But Japan and Vietnam are two totally different countries." 

"Oh. Right." Demie lapsed into silence. Angel pulled off of the dirt road onto a gravel one, and they drove in silence for a while longer. Demie tapped his fingers on his knees in time to the music playing over the car's Bluetooth, and though it was subtle, Angel could see Demie's head bopping along to it, too. It was kind of funny, really. Demie could definitely headbang - Angel had seen it at the concert - but the gentle head-bobbing looked out of place. It was cute. 

Demie took a deep breath as they left the gravel road and pulled onto the paved county road. He rubbed his palms against his thighs, then gripped his knees. 

"So…" Angel said, "Elaine introduced you to metal music, was the band her idea?" 

"No, it was--" Demie's voice cracked a little, and he loudly cleared his throat. "It was Mar's idea. He thought it would be our ticket out of West Virginia." 

"I guess that kinda worked out for him, then, huh?" Angel said. "What about you? Why aren't you living it up in L.A.?" 

Demie cleared his throat again. When he spoke, he sounded a little hoarse. "Just didn't want to. L.A. just seems like too much pressure. Too many fake people. I like country life better." 

"Yeah, I don't think you'd be able to raise your goats in L.A., huh? And it's so fucking expensive out there. I've thought about moving to San Francisco a few times, it might be easier to grow my brand, but the cost of living just isn't worth it." 

"You… you have a company?" 

"Hm?" 

"You said… you have a brand." 

"Oh, no," Angel laughed. "No, I mean my social media brand. Y'know, the way I present my life. It's how I'll get sponsorships and stuff, once I'm big enough that people want to live the same life as Angel Vinh." 

"That sounds… complicated." 

"I mean, it's not that hard. I just show people how I live. Like, you definitely have a brand, or you would if you used social media. Wildman out in the forest who lives in a tiny house and makes his own cheese. Hell, that would be super marketable, because it's interesting. More interesting than me just going to the gym and the club and taking pictures of my abs and ass every day." 

"Mm." 

"I mean, your way of living, it's just… so organic, you know? And not just because you farm and stuff. I mean, that's really you, you're not putting on an act for the camera. It's really admirable." 

"Mm." 

The conversation petered out there as they drove through the short row of shops that was Billy Brook. They took a turn and left the town behind, heading south towards Charleston. 

"How do you…" Demie said, then stopped. 

"How do I what?" Angel gently prodded. 

"How do you like… put yourself out there, for the world like that?" 

"Mm, well, I've always been an attention whore, so that helps. I just can't stand being a nobody. I want to be famous, y'know? I don't want to be stuck in the same neighborhood, with the same people for all my life. It's like the American Dream, y'know, I want to be better off than how I was born." 

"Oh." 

"What about you? What do you want from life? I know you said you like country life, but I'm sure you have goals, right?" 

"Mm, nope. No goals." 

"Really? I kinda envy that. It would be nice not to constantly worry about shit." 

"Yeah." 

Angel glanced over. Demie was tightly gripping his thighs now, his knuckles going pale from the force with which he was holding himself. Angel wanted him to calm down some. 

"So, you excited to maybe pass out some of your tapes?" 

"No. They're not really my tapes. Mar is still on them." 

"Well, I mean, they're still your music, though. You're still singing and playing guitar on them, right?" 

"I guess. No one listens to them for me, though." 

"I would. No offense to your brother, but your voice is way nicer." 

Demie let go of his legs, rubbing his palms against his fur again. Angel had become aware of how loudly Demie was breathing. 

"You know, we don't have to go into the mosh pit or anything if you don't want to. We can hang out at the back of the crowd. I don't even like moshing that much, my boss doesn't like if if I show up to work with bruises, it gives people the wrong idea, y'kn--"

"Can you pull over?" Demie asked. He'd lifted his hands to grip the seatbelt crossing his chest, twisting it like a rope. 

"Huh?" 

"Pull over. Now." 

"Yeah, sure…" Angel murmured, slowing down and pulling off onto the dirt shoulder. "You okay, man--?"

Demie unbuckled his seatbelt, threw the door open, leaned out of the car, and retched into the dirt.

[roseyboy]

no one asked for this, but if anyone wants my playlist I made on Spotify for songs that remind me of Arya and Sandor - have at it 

and if anyone wants a full list with the lyrics of each song that really speak to me, keep reading 

*** I will also note I’m only into s.8 Arya and Sandor being romantically involved w each other. Only an 18+ yr old Arya here folks. 

Also a couple of these are just stupidly cheesy and for my own dang fantasies. 

Oh Comely - Neutral Milk Hotel:  Oh comely // I will be with you when you lose your breath // Chasing the only // Meaningful memory you thought you had left

I Hope That I Don’t Fall in Love with You - Tom Waits:  I can see that you are lonesome just like me // And it being late, you'd like some some company // And I hope that you don't fall in love with me

bury a friend - Billie Eilish:  Your talk'll be somethin' that shouldn't be said out loud // Honestly, I thought that I would be dead by now  // Calling security, keepin' my head held down // Bury the hatchet or bury your friend right now

It Will Come Back - Hozier:  Don't let it in with with no intention to keep it // Jesus Christ, don't be kind to it // Honey don't feed it, it will come back

Can’t Help Falling in Love(cover) - MountainCity:  Would it be a sin // If I can't help falling in love with you?

Song for a Guilty Sadist - Crywank:  How rude of me to bring my thoughts into your bedroom. // Is it condescending to be so scared I might hurt you?

Creep - Scott Bradlee(cover):  Whatever makes you happy // Whatever you want // You're so fuckin' special // I wish I was special // But I’m a creep

Cherry Wine - Overcoats(cover):  Calls of guilty thrown at me // All while she stains // The sheets of some other // Thrown at me so powerfully // Just like she throws with the arm of her brother.

In the  Woods Somewhere - Hozier:  I clutched my life // And wished it kept. // My dearest love I'm not done yet // How many years // I know I'll bear // I found something in the woods somewhere.

Closer - Nine Inch Nails:  My whole existence is flawed // You get me closer to god // You can have my isolation // You can have the hate that it brings // You can have my absence of faith // You can have my everything

Desire - Meg Myers:  Honey, I wanna break you // I wanna throw you to the hounds, // I gotta hurt you, I gotta hear from your mouth

My Blood - Twenty One Pilots:  If you find yourself in a lion's den // I'll jump right in and pull my pin // And go with you

As it Was - Hozier:  And the sights were as stark as my baby // And the cold was as sharp as my baby // And the nights were as dark as my baby // Half as beautiful too

Before I ever Met You - BANKS:  Before I ever met you // I never knew that my heart could love so hard // Before I ever met you // I never knew I would be enemies with disregard // Before I ever met you // I never knew that I liked to be kissed for days // Before I ever met you // I never knew I could be broken in so many ways

Here You Come Again - Dolly Parton:  Here you come again // Just when I'm about to make it work without you // You look into my eyes and lie those pretty lies // And pretty soon I'm wond'rin how I came to doubt you.

Dire Wolf - Grateful Dead:  When I awoke, the Dire Wolf, six hundred pounds of sin, // Was grinning at my window, all I said was "Come on in". // Don't murder me, I beg of you, don't murder me. Please, don't murder me.

To Be Alone - Hozier:  It feels good, girl, it feels good // Oh, to be alone with you

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley:  And I've seen your flag on the marble arch // And love is not a victory march // It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Can’t Nobody Love You- The Zombies:  'Cause they don't know how to love you // Like I do

Love is Blindness - Jack White:  Love is clockworks // And cold steel // Fingers too numb to feel // Squeeze the handle // Blow out the candle // Love is blindness

NFWMB - Hozier:  If I was born as a black thorn tree // I'd wanna be felt by you, held by you // Feel the power of your hand on me

Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac:  Loving you // Isn't the right thing to do // How can I ever change things // That I feel

I’m on Fire - The Staves:  At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet // And a freight train running through the middle of my head // Only you can cool my desire

Woke Up New - The Mountain Goats:  On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time // I felt free and I felt lonely and I felt scared

Young Blood - Noah Kahan:  And if you want, I can tell the truth // That this life takes a toll on you // I spend nights stitching up the loose threads of my soul //  In the morning I'm bulletproof

Hold On - Tom Waits:  She closed her eyes and started swaying // But it's so hard to dance that way // When it's cold and there's no music // Oh, your old hometown's so far away

If I Loved You - Delta Rae:  If I loved you, life would be easy // There'd be no truth that I'd be scared of // I could walk through every valley // And you'd light me with all of your love 

when the party’s over - Billie Eilish:  But nothing is better sometimes // Once we've both said our goodbyes // Let's just let it go // Let me let you go

The Night We Met - Lord Huron:  I had all and then most of you // Some and now none of you // Take me back to the night we met // I don't know what I'm supposed to do // Haunted by the ghost of you

Moment’s Silence - Hozier:  What yields the need for those who lead us oh so morally // Those that would view the sin we do through their deformity // Who view the deed as power's creed is pure authority // This moment's silence when my baby // Puts her mouth on me

bad guy - Billie Eilish:  So you're a tough guy // Like it really rough guy // Just can't get enough guy // Chest always so puffed guy // I'm that bad type // Make your mama sad type // Make your girlfriend mad type // Might seduce your dad type // I'm the bad guy, duh

I Love You Like an Alcoholic - The Taxpayers:  One last kiss, I love you like an alcoholic. // One last kiss, I love you like a statuette. // One last kiss, I need you like I need a broken leg.

Fell in Love with a Girl - The White Stripes:  but sometimes these feelings can be so misleading // she turns and says are you alright? // I said I must be fine cause my heart's still beating

Whore - In This Moment:  But let me tell you something baby // You love me for everything you hate me for // I’m the one that you need and fear // Now that you’re hooked, it’s all becoming clear // That all your judgments that you placed on me // Was a reflection of discovery

Closer - Kings of Leon:  She took my heart, I think she took my soul // With the moon I run // Far from the carnage of the fiery sun

Love Song for a Vampire - Annie Lennox:  Oh loneliness, oh hopelessness // To search the ends of time // For there is in all the world // No greater love than mine

Big God - Florence + the Machine:  You keep me up at night // To my messages, you do not reply // You know I still like you the most // The best of the best and the worst of the worst

Ouija - Beacon for Ghosts: I should have known I’d be misunderstood //  in every story you heard I was the antagonist // But I can’t hurt you, and even if I could // I’ve forgotten what it was that I even wanted vengeance for  

Last Night on Earth - Green Day:  I'm here to honor you // If I lose everything in the fire // I'm sending all my love to you

Started - Iggy Azalea:  I started to say sorry, but fuck that shit // You started out hatin', now you love my drip // Ayy, bitch, they lookin' at me, they not lookin' at you // I don't mean to be rude, I'm a ten, you a two  

Otherside - Avi Kaplan:  wrapped around my skin // pulls me deeper // drags me back again

I Can’t Go On Without You - KALEO:  Oh so what is left but a broken man? // 'Cause nothing hurts like a woman can

Happier - Marshmello, Bastille:  When the evening falls // And I'm left there with my thoughts // And the image of you being with someone else // Well, that's eating me up inside

Graceless - The National:  All of my thoughts of you // Bullets through rotten fruit // Come apart at the seams // Now I know what dying means

Furr - Blitzen Trapper:  Yeah, we would gladly get our fill // Howling endlessly and shrilly at the dawn // And I lost the taste for judging right from wrong

Beggin for Thread - BANKS:  So I got edges that scratch // And sometimes I don't got a filter // But I'm so tired of eating // All of my misspoken words // I know my disposition gets confusing // My disproportionate reactions fuse with my eager state // That's why you wanna come out and play with me, yeah // Why?

Take Me To Church - Hozier:  I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies // I'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife // Offer me that deathless death // Good God, let me give you my life

Go to War - Nothing More:  Every feeling in my bones tells me to lash out // And tell you, "fuck off" // You've got my heart and I've got your soul // But are we better off alone? // With every battle, we lose a little more // Remember everything that we died for // You are everything that I die for

Kissing You Goodbye - The Used:  On my own, I'm nothing, just bleeding // I'm not kissing you goodbye

Follow You - Bring Me The Horizon:  So you can drag me through hell // If it meant I could hold your hand // I will follow you 'cause I'm under your spell // And you can throw me to the flames // I will follow you, I will follow you

Smother Me - The Used:  Now I can breathe, turn my insides out // And smother me // Warm and alive I'm all over you // Would you smother me? Smother me, smother me

[imascientistofmusic]

Im a huge fucking nerd

final LYRICS FOR ENDOLPHINS AND MC FOUCAULT EP Welcome to Kirby’s Memeland (MILLIPEDES FOR THE MOLEMEN) Got it so hot y'all give me standing ovations while I'm spamming the squat[1] like my whole family's Croatian if my dad's Jackie Chan[2] am I Hispanic or Asian? please understaånd this equation ()[3] me no panic just blazing at any random location i’m your romantic liaison killa Beys in formation[4] the doctor's[5] now handling patients I put the wots in tarnations[6] I put the spots on dalmatians I move the block with my cadence Now time just stops when i say shit But the beat goes on cause i made it Alex Strong[7] in the paint and Singing So Long[8] to fake friends We can roll out the Save ends[9] Y'all kittens tryin my patience I need to find an oasis Pass me that blunt and i'll face it Why y'all stuntin so basic? Im kinda something like LASIK[10] take your quirk and erase it[11] If there's something to say then I'm Malcolm Little and Dakin[12] Welcome to Kirbys Memeland[13] Im a giant herbing with green hands[14] Defiantly serving up steamed hams[15] Yo shuhei hold up i got remands[16] Misery[17] in the moment Missouri in the mornings[18] Mysteries in the motions Miss her seas in this ocean[19] (oh shit) ALL AT ONCE (HOW HARD JAMES HARDIN GOES WHEN HE GOES HARD IN THE PAINT) One day i’ll kill all the white men take back the land we’re missin[20] Im Diego's street art and they're banksy's vandalisms[21] Like the second coming of yeezus[22] and he's risen Built a religion for giant robots[23] called it animism[24] My flow is so fucking preposterous Patrol the land rarer than rhinoceroses[25] Get your heads out the sand yall lookin like ostriches Didn't kill the cat[26] but we checked it into hospice I know yr feeling that and baby one i got this My boys swing the bats like my last name was ausmus[27] Best rappers who aren't black you know i top the list prophets foretold my path (my birth) it was an (heavenly) auspice Imagine how hard james hardin[28] goes when he goes hard in the paint Well i go harder than that On my level you ain't I'm smart as The Bat[29] I'm like double your rank I just started to rap But the devil remains In the details im valued retail theyre resale[30] i'll continue my never ending quest to impress you[31] I’m obsessed with the things that pens do Allah bless this mess because i swear i intend to Decompress and recollect about fucked things that friends[32] do Parenthetically my memes are better than y’all’s Im aesthetically[33] hiding in vectors too small Interjecting my dreams while dissenting all leans[34] Exquisitely dining on minds here at the end of all things [35] We bout those movers and shakers We bustin loose of the matrix[36] I get my fruit at bodegas Im bound to move to NEW VEGAS[37] Matthew McConaughey (HARRY AND THE HUMAN CENTIPEDES) Another space time anomaly[38] An Interstellar[39] odyssey Alright alright alright Im Mathew McConaughey Im unfuckingstoppable the impossible possible The whole world's my hospital not a gd thing is inoperable[40] Credentials are laudable Essentially i got it all Took a look at the d And then called an audible[41] Obliterate any Obstacle Precipitate like waterfalls Instigate a kinder cause Evicerate a haunted ghoul[42] When i fucks with physics the laws get more lax my words carry weight like the world's biggest snorlax[43] Come at me son yr gonna need more VATS[44] carried this town[45] for So Long[46] im getting a sore back their love for me like a tree to the Lorax[47] My lyrics paint pictures so i call them a Rorschach[48] my bones are telling me bad weathers on the forecast a storm is rolling in this is the calm before that Past five centuries all of them regrettable[49] Just like entropy i am inevitable[50] I was meant to leave my head it was full Fundamentally i'm so far ahead of these fools Down five hennessy's trying just to deaden this pulse[51] Iron sentry's lining the edge of the mall[52] 100% dying to dismantle this wall[53] Johnny five empathy no disassemble this bot[54] Quintessentially im X at the head of this school[55] Intermittently you slept in my bed it was cool incidentally we had sex in the end of the pool Human centipede[56] that ass it was my edible[57] G.O.A.T. (NIETZSCHE DIDN’T KILL GOD, I DID) Like JD[58] I’m the GOAT[59] Billy[60] hashtag Swag[61]gert[62] Worlds most accurate fact checking rapper This is a game to me Chutes and ladders[63] Here's where the bangers[64] be girl you know i had ‘er My flow the yangtze[65] i spit venom black adders[66] Opposite of banksy[67] or some bullshit “all lives matter”[68] Fuck the president[69] that dude cant get any badder[70] Cooking up some poppy tea[71] mix it up like cake batter HEY DON'T LOOK AWAY DON'T LET IT GROW ON YOU IT'S NOT OK Engrave the following on my headstone: “They[72] died getting head stoned peepin Tombstone[73] While eatin a tombstone pizza[74]" I’ve gone full blown nietzsche[75] said hello to the abyss "it was good to meet ya"[76] Behind this mask's a terrifying creature[77] Who would gladly cook you up and eat ya Every track i’m on mc foucault's the feature Threat level dragon[78] when im hittin the road again Like shang tsun out here looking for some souls to bend[79] Other rappers words are last years memes im so over them Like neil in the 80s its the weight of the world im shoulderin'[80] Tho ive been there once couldnt tell you where denver starts and boulder ends[81] Rockin california fishes like them pennsylvania colder pens[82] I spit fire like dylon[83] and i left the studio smolderin Sitch is Dire like sylons you used to know as older friends[84] Minds expired with prions[85] when i take theirs skulls and open em Im entirely high on the spirit taking time up and folding it[86] unlike battery acid im so hella caustic[87] Such flattering assets with a tongue so toxic Made saturn's rings spin on a cosmic cross stitch My staggering spit it god agnostic[88] [1] “Why do Slavs squat?” is a satirical catchphrase associated with imageboards and forums discussing Eastern European people and cultures http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/why-do-slavs-squat-slav-squat [2] My dad and jackie chan are aging to look like the same person [3] I use medical marijuana to treat anxiety [4] Beyonce - Formation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDZJPJV__bQ [5] My initials are DRB and so many folks call me Doctor or Doctor B [6] “What in Tarnation?” is a rhetorical question meaning “what in damnation?”, which is often associated with Americans living in the Southern United States expressing incredulous bewilderment. http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/what-in-tarnation [7] Drummer of Endolphins and one of the progenitors of this particular beat [8] So Long is my queerpop band SoLongNaota.Bandcamp.com [9] A saving throw in D&D http://dnd4.wikia.com/wiki/Saving_throw [10] Corrective laser eye surgery [11] Boku No Hero Academia character Shota Aizawa “eraser head” who’s special power is erasing others’ special powers http://bokunoheroacademia.wikia.com/wiki/Shota_Aizawa [12] Church of The Three Cats is at the corner of Malcolm X (born Malcolm Little) and Dakin in Lansing, Michigan [13] Gamboy title Kirby’s Dreamland but with memes [14] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_Giant but with Weed [15] Simpsons shitpost classic http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/steamed-hams [16] Once I beat magic the gathering hall of famer Shuhei Nakamura in a Grand Prix with a timely remand [17] The first Endolphins release was called North of Misery as a nod to their being in Iowa [18] In 2015 I toured with Endolphins and had two amazing mornings in St Louis, s/o to KPAX and calcifer [19] Sometimes you meet someone who forever changes the way you think about things like water, and then you drown in thoughts never actually able to grasp anything completely again [20] im native as fuck http://www.corteidh.or.cr/tablas/24777.pdf [21] Artist Diego Rivera vs Banksy [22] Kanye West's ego messiah and eponymous album [23] giant robot anime trope for example: neon genesis evangelion, flcl, gundam... [24] Animism but with Anime https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animism [25] Rhino’s are near extinct everywhere https://www.savetherhino.org/rhino_info/rhino_population_figures [26] Slang for giving a person with a vagina multiple orgasms [27] Detroit Tigers skipper Brad Ausmus [28] James Hardin is a professional basketball Superstar [29] Comic book protagonist Batman [30] Price you get for selling an item new (retail) vs used (resale) [31] A certain person who since i have met has inspired most of my creative endeavors [32] See directly above [33] in a way that gives pleasure through beauty [34] biases [35] Comic book character Galactus, Eater of Worlds https://marvel.com/universe/Galactus [36] 1999 science fiction film The Matrix [37] 2010 video game Fallout: New Vegas [38] My favorite Star Trek trope [39] My favorite Matthew McConaughey film [40] See note #5 [41] In american football a quarterback will notice something about the defense and change the play at the line of scrimmage, this is called an audible [42] These are hearthstone cards [43] Snorlax is a very large and heavy pokemon that can only be moved by playing a special flute [44] Vault-tec assisted targeting system in Fallout video game franchise, the more skill points one has the more they can do in combat before an enemy reacts [45] I have been a pillar of the diy community in lansing michigan for 20 years [46] So Long Naota/Collective see note #8 [47] Dr Seuss character who is the protector of nature [48] The Rorschach test is a psychological test in which subjects' perceptions of inkblots are recorded and then analyzed using psychological interpretation, complex algorithms, or both. [49] Since Europeans have arrived on the shores of North and South America they have brought only misery and genocide [50] The second law of thermodynamics requires that, in general, the total entropy of any system can't decrease other than by increasing the entropy of some other system. Hence, in a system isolated from its environment, the entropy of that system tends not to decrease. [51] Drinking is a mostly self destructive behavior for myself and I tend to only do it when i wish to self harm [52] Episode 3 of the 1997 anime Beserk [53] Fuck borders fuck walls freedom is not possible when they exist [54] 1986 film Short Circuit about a robot that gains sentience and learns of death the term for which is dissassemble [55] Professor Xavier from the X-Men comics who runs a school for Mutants [56] 2009 Dutch body horror film Human Centipede tells the story of people sewn mouth to ass [57] Analingus [58] The Mountain Goats frontman John Darnielle or JD aka thrashkitten member of the sooper swag project [59] GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) is a term used in hip hop to talk about the best rappers ever [60] A billy is a male goat [61] #swag is a song by rapper GMCFOSHO who is a friend of mine [62] Jimmy Swaggert was a televangelist who was defrocked for multiple prostitution scandals [63] Chutes and Ladders is a metaphor for life. As such, it is arguably the most philosophical of all children's board games. Based on the ancient Indian game Snakes and Ladders. The historic version had root in morality lessons, where a player's progression up the board represented a life journey complicated by virtues (ladders) and vices (snakes). [64] Banger is a term for a particularly moving composition [65] The Yangtze is the longest river in Asia and the third-longest in the world. The river is the longest in the world to flow entirely within one country. [66] A venomous snake that lives in europe and east asia, also a nod to the lyric earlier about chutes and ladders (snakes and ladders) [67] “Some have criticised the "obviousness" of Banksy's work, and accused it of being "anarchy-lite" geared towards a middle class "hipster" audience.” [68] A slogan used to silence the #blacklivesmatter movement [69] Donald Trump [70] 1998 Arcade game Bad Dudes vs Dragon Ninja later ported to the Nintendo Entertainment System known widely for its intro cut scene in which the protagonists are asked if they are bad enough dudes to save the president [71] Poppy tea is any herbal tea infusion brewed from poppy straw or seeds of several species of poppy. For the purpose of the tea, dried pods are more commonly used than the pods of the live flower. The walls of the dried pods contain opiate alkaloids, primarily consisting of morphine. [72] I am non-binary and use they/them pronouns [73] 1993 Western Tombstone starring kurt russel and val kilmer [74] Very cheap frozen pizzas of dubious quality [75] Nietzsche claimed the death of God would eventually lead to the loss of any universal perspective on things, and along with it any coherent sense of objective truth [76] Nietzsche once said: “Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.” [77] Nietzsche also said: “All great things must first wear terrifying and monstrous masks in order to inscribe themselves on the hearts of humanity.” [78] 2015 Anime and Manga One Punch Man’s shout out to Neon Genesis Evangelion describing a monster that is a threat to multiple cities [79] 1992 Arcade Fighing game Mortal Combat’s main villain who stole people's souls [80] Neil Young's sleeper Weight of The World from his amazing foray into new wave on his criminally unheralded album Landing on Water [81] I visited colorado for the first time on tour with Endolphins and tho enjoyable it was mostly mountains and urban sprawl and legal weed [82] The 2016 battle for Lord Stanley’s cup between NHL’s Pittsburgh Penguins and [83] Chappell show sketch about Dylon who thought he was the GOAT because “dylon spit hot fire” [84] Battlestar Galactica plot twist [85]Kuru is a very rare, incurable neurodegenerative disorder that was prevalent among the Fore people of Papua New Guinea. Kuru is caused by the transmission of abnormally folded prion proteins, which leads to symptoms such as tremors, loss of coordination, and neurodegeneration. Most people who develop it are cannibals [86] The quantum physics theory of time travel [87] Acids are corrosive and bases are caustic [88] God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it? — Nietzsche, The Gay Science, Section 125,

[the-connection]

We all have that friend who, no matter how great a film is, will always say the book is better. And the worst part is that they're almost always right, the jerks. Well, the next time they open their bookish little mouths, here are some examples you can use to shut them right up. Some books contained scenes so nonsensical, stupid, or dong-filled that filmmakers didn't even try to put them in their adaptations. And speaking of dong-filled, let's start right off with ...

5

Forrest Gump Left Out His Gigantic Monster Penis

In the movie version of Forrest Gump, we follow a simple-minded but superhumanly capable man as he aw-shuckses through some of the most important events in American history. Whether it's showing Elvis how to dance, rewriting the Civil Rights Movement, or investing heavily in a company guilty of crimes against humanity, Gump unwittingly guides the course of the 20th century. Looking back, the movie is still a bit strange ... but the book was downright insane.

You're probably asking, "Didn't a woman take sexual advantage of a mentally challenged man to trick him into raising another guy's baby before she died of AIDS in that movie? What was in that book that they had to leave out?"

Paramount Pictures"Hump, Forrest, hump!"

We're glad you asked!

In the book, Forrest and Jenny still got after it all night, but this version was very, very clear about two very, very strange points: First, that Forrest has an enormous penis. Second, that Jenny loves to talk dirty. Now, remember that the novel is told in the first person, and Forrest no talk good. So now that you're all set up, here's a sentence no one ever expected to type: Please enjoy a graphic passage from the erotic memoirs of Forrest Gump.

Paramount Pictures"You like magazines? I wrote to a magazine once ..."

When we get home, Jenny begun takin off her clothes. She is down to her underpants, an I am jus settin on the couch tryin not to notice, but she come up an stand in front of me an she say, "Forrest, I want you to fuck me now."

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You could knocked me over with a feather! I jus set there an gawked at her. Then she set down nex to me an started foolin with my britches, an nex thing I knowed, she'd got off my shirt an was huggin an kissin me an all. At first, it was jus a little odd, her doin all that. Course I had dreamed bout it all along, but I had not expected it quite this way. But then, well I guess something came over me, an it didn't matter what I'd expected, cause we was rollin aroun on the couch an had our clothes nearly off an then Jenny pulled down my undershorts an her eyes get big an she say, "Whooo -- lookit what you got there!" an she grapped me jus like Miz French had that day, but Jenny never say nothin about me keepin my eyes closed, so I didn't.

The scene goes on to include all the sexual positions they try: Jenny shown me shit I never could of figgered out on my own ... sideways, crosswise, upside down, bottomwise, lengthwise, dogwise, standin up, setting down, bending over, leanin back, inside-out and outside-in.

Paramount PicturesIt's basically a porn parody of the scene of Bubba listing shrimp recipes.

The point is, he and his notably large dick wore that ass out. If the novel was faithfully adapted, Forrest Gump would have been nine hours long and inspired a tense public debate on how many yards of penis should be allowed in a PG-13 movie.

4

The Comic Version of Thor: Ragnarok Is Seriously Messed Up

In Thor: Ragnarok, Thor and Loki work together to fight Odin's firstborn daughter, Hela, the Goddess of Death. She has spike-throwing powers and a giant wolf, and nobody in Asgard stands the slightest chance against her. Characters die before you can even figure out who they were supposed to be, and Thor ends up on a garbage dump planet run ruled by Jeff Goldblum, who turns him into a slave gladiator and makes him fight Conan Hulk.

Marvel StudiosIt's pretty awesome.

The movie is based on the Thor: Ragnarok comic book series, and it made a few notable changes from the source material. For instance, in the movie, Thor loses his eye in a fight. In the comics, he tears it out of his own damn head. Comic book nerds and people who still worship the Norse gods (thanks for reading, Bjerkman the Unbroken!) might recognize this move. His father, Odin, did the same thing ages ago when he traded his eye for knowledge. That's why Thor goes the extra step and yanks out both his eyes.

Marvel Comics

Marvel Comics"Bah! You ask for but one eye? Thor doth double down!"

And somehow, this gets both weirder and darker. After he willfully blinds himself, Thor commits suicide by hanging himself from Yggdrasil, the World Tree.

Marvel Comics"The Odinson found this part a bit too dark for a tentpole blockbuster!"

In the movie, Thor has to deal with his brother Loki's constant betrayals and tricks by staying one step ahead of him. In the comic, Thor just tears Loki's goddamn head off and ties it to his belt.

Marvel ComicsHe was renamed God of Conditioner after his ponytail proved to be stronger than his neck.

There are some big decisions that have to be made at the end of Thor: Ragnarok, but they're nothing compared to what Thor's faced with in the comic version. He doesn't summon some puny fire god to destroy one realm -- he shatters Yggdrasil to destroy every realm. So yes, in the movie, Thor blows up a lot of homes. But in the comic, he murders e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e.

In the end, we can all agree that "Let's add Conan Hulk" was a good note, but "Let's do a rewrite on the Thor genocide scene" was a great note. It would be seriously tough to talk parents into taking their kids to a movie wherein the hero pulls his own eyes out, kills himself, and then kills every being in the universe while wearing his brother's severed, screaming head on his belt. Or maybe not, because isn't that the plot to Cars 3?

3

The Stardust Movie Leaves Out the Gruesome Unicorn Mutilation

Stardust tells the story of Tristan Thorn, a young man who crosses the titular wall of his hometown of Wall to enter the land of Faerie so he can bring back a fallen star to win the heart of a girl. We know, it sounds like a sarcastic example from a How to Write Young Adult Fantasy for Beginners textbook, but it was turned into a real movie. Starring Robert DeNiro!

It turns out that the fallen star is actually a woman (Yvain, played by Clare Danes) who hurt her leg when she fell to Earth. Tristan has no idea how he's going to get a crippled, woman-shaped star back to his walled village of Wall until a unicorn randomly turns up to help! Haha, for real!

Paramount PicturesThe original title was Lisa Frank Origins.

The pair eventually encounters the witch Lamia (Michelle Pfeiffer), who wants to kill them both. The unicorn helps them escape by head-butting Billy, a goat in the shape of a man, so hard that he turns back into a goat. Then the witch starts a fire and we never see the unicorn again ... in the movie.

Paramount Pictures"GOAT GTFO!"

The book has a bit more to tell us about that unicorn's fate. In the novel, it doesn't just take on Billy -- it fights the witch as well. And while it gets a few good shots in, the unicorn loses about as hard as anything has ever lost anything. First the witch jams a knife into the unicorn's brain through its eye. Then ...

The beast dropped to the wooden floor of the inn, blood dripping from its side and from its eye and from its open mouth. First it fell to its knees, and then it collapsed, utterly, as the life fled. Its tongue was piebald and it protruded most pathetically from the unicorn's dead mouth.

Think that's a bit much? We're not done yet. The witch needs the unicorn's corpse to move, so she spits her blood into its mouth, and this animates it. Whatever, that's the witch equivalent of a forklift. Later, she saws its goddamn head off.

Paramount Pictures"No reason for that part. Just for fun."

Half-blind, the dead unicorn stumbled toward the green rock needle until it reached a depression at its base, where it dropped to the knees of its forelegs in a ghastly parody of prayer.

The witch-queen reached down and pulled her knife from out of the beast's eye-socket. She sliced across its throat. Blood started to ooze, too slowly, from the gash she had made. She walked back to the carriage and returned with her cleaver. Then she began to hack at the unicorn's neck, until she had separated it from the body, and the severed head tumbled into the rock hollow, now filling with a dark red puddle of brackish blood.

Jesus Christ. People who grew up watching The NeverEnding Story had their childhoods haunted by a horse sinking into the Swamp of Sadness. Can you imagine growing up in a world in which your favorite fantasy movie slowly carved the head off a defiled unicorn-zombie?

2

In The Book Version Of The Rescuers, The Villain Kills So, So Many Orphaned Girls

Disney's The Rescuers follows the adventures of two mice who work for the Rescue Aid Society, Miss Bianca and her loyal companion Bernard. In the film, an orphan named Penny is kidnapped by an alligator-loving hellbeast named Madame Medusa, who needs Penny in order to find the Devil's Eye, the world's largest diamond.

Those are some crazy characters, some genuine peril, and two ball-shrinkingly terrifying alligators. Luckily, Penny is the only orphan kidnapped, and she survives.

In the movie.

The original novel is called Miss Bianca, and is the second book in Margery Sharp's Miss Bianca series. In the book, the villain is the dreaded Duchess, who doesn't need any orphan girl (named Patience here, not Penny) to find her a famous diamond, because she lives in a castle made of them.

Little Brown & Co.It's arguably too many diamonds.

No, the only reason the Duchess wants an orphan girl is to torture her. She beats Patience with a diamond-studded cane "just to hear her cry out." She starves and tortures her: "[The Duchess'] big knuckles ground cruelly against Patience's collar bone, the long fingers almost met in the child's emaciated, shrinking flesh." Hell, the kid doesn't even have a toothbrush -- "she just dipped a torn old rag into a cold jar of water." Life sucks for Patience. But it was way worse for the other orphans. Yes, there were other orphans. Emphasis on were.

Patience is not the first orphan girl the Duchess has kidnapped; she's simply the only one to survive long enough to be in the book. "Patience was the last of a series, all the others having died young."

You might be wondering what the Duchess in this children's book about a talking mouse did with all those dead little girls. Well, as the story unfolds, Miss Bianca encounters two bloodhounds named Torture and Torment, who talk about all the girls they hunted. At the end of the conversation, she realizes that the seat they previously offered her was "a very small shin bone -- gnawed."

Little Brown & Co.One thing's for sure: It's more dead orphan girl shinbones than the children's book illustrator expected to draw that day.

It's not ambiguous. When Patience escapes, we're told "the Duchess had faced the same situation before. As the little shin bone bore witness." There are no subtle hints in this book. It is made extremely clear that the Duchess had her hounds chase down and eat a bunch of orphan girls alive before the Rescue Aid Society ever heard about Patience.

Suddenly those scary cartoon alligators don't seem so bad.

1

Chris Gardner's The Pursuit Of Happyness Is Full Of Rape And Murder

The Pursuit Of Happyness sees Will Smith playing Chris Gardner, the ultimate wholesome dad in the ultimate wholesome family film (give or take some hobo urine) about the pursuit of the American Dream. Based on Gardner's memoir of the same name, the movie shows how he looks after his only son while homeless in San Francisco, sleeping in shelters and public bathrooms, all the while working for a Wall Street firm without pay, hoping to win a lucrative banking job.

There are a lot of hard knocks along the way, but he ultimately wins at life and goes on to become a millionaire. The book wasn't quite as family friendly.

A lot of the memoir is occupied by Gardner's relationship with his abusive stepfather ... and Gardner's attempts to kill him. Gardner tries to poison him, and fantasizes constantly about shooting or bludgeoning the man to death. He even pushes a refrigerator down the stairs on top of him. Here he is bragging about the precision of this murder scheme:

In perfect timing, I missed a step, on purpose, and let the refrigerator go. A priceless look of confusion and horror came over his face, and like a work of art, the next thing I knew Freddie had a refrigerator on his chest and they were both tumbling down the steps.

It seems like a gruesome thing to actively try to murder his stepfather, but to be fair, the stepfather sucks. He almost kills Chris' mother multiple times, even chasing her into a store with a shotgun at one point. The closest he gets to ending her life is with a two-by-four, "bashing it into the back of her skull with such a force that the wood splintered into her skin, sticking into her, spewing blood not just underneath her but everywhere in the room."

Columbia PicturesIt's a fun read.

Chris eventually gets out of there without committing murder, but things do not get any less horrible. At one point, he talks about one unhappy mark returning from a hustle gone wrong. And we mean very, very wrong.

But even if I can't track time, I remember every detail of what happens, from the second he pulls a knife to my throat, forces me on my back, pulls down my pants, puts his dick between my legs, to registering the confused horror of my dick getting hard from stimulation, to the true horror of him hoisting me into position so he can fuck me in the ass, right on the living room floor. Every grunt, every breath. His smell overwhelms. Funky. Rancid even, inhuman. White hot pain. Cold hard linoleum.

Luckily, the story doesn't end there. Because Gardner gets his revenge three years (and 11 pages) later, when he waits outside a bar for his rapist to exit and beats him to death with a cinder block!

"Oh shit," he said, not even finishing the statement before I crowned him with the cinder block, bearing down with all my strength on the top of his head.

At first, he didn't fall, but he faltered. After more pounding, he finally crumpled to the sidewalk, and I threw the brick down, left it right there, and walked away. Didn't look back, didn't run. Right or wrong, I silently said the last words that I'd ever think about him -- Got your motherfucking ass.

So to be clear, someone was reading this book and thought, "This would make an excellent, uplifting family film! Starring the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!"

Not gonna spoil anything, but IT (based on the book by Stephen King) did a pretty good job editing the book into a script too.

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