#I mean unless it's about having a tummy ache or being on your period or something like that

[laughingmagi]

Bit of a personal dump under the cut.

Well I was very motivated today for the first time since the incident. Now that I'm mostly normal about it though perhaps a bit more paranoid as a general rule, I'll say as tactfully as and briefly as possible, while I was taking my dog out for a walk, we but mostly he was attacked by a neighbourhood dog that wasn't leashed. We are both fine but it was frankly one of the most terrifying experiences of my life and I had a really intense nervous breakdown. It's kinda been playing on loop in the back of my mind or some detail popping in for days. Anyway sorry sorry tmi, but it's still five days until I see my therapist and I had to say something lmao. Also vaguing on the social media makes the mutuals paranoid, so if you saw my posts throughout the week, no there has not been drama behind the scenes. lmao actually I guess it's much worse. Anyway, uh, before i dumped on about all that, my point was i was all motivated to write and shit and I think had a caffeine crash after dinner. Still might do but there's just as much a chance that I'll go play a video game instead or watch something on youtube while half comatose or half assing some exercise so i don't feel lazy for skipping out on another day.

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

1 June 2023 Thursday 1:55 pmpt

If I was made to do something that is unnatural for a female to do, which I think I am 100% now, (green auto save 1:56 pmpt) then would it be possible for you to believe that a lot of things I did or failed to do, could have happended for same or similar reasons: being tricked? 1:57 pmpt the things that people condemn me for no matter what the result was, if there were at most only a few small scratches and small bruises or none at all? Bcz some people based on one reality would condemn, but some people in another reality might not if I am a specific special type of person? It’s hard for me to write ✍️ exactly what those realities are and all the options. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ myself. (Weird hot searing pain making me confused 2:01 pmpt) they’re telling me I’m trash 🗑. But they’re giving me all these weird feelings that I didn’t always have. My guess Bcz I read the giver in elementary school 🏫 that someone close by I was made to have their feelings. So, like I wrote 2? Posts ago: source donor. 2:03 pmpt I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if I was actually deprived of stuff: vitamins etc. but all I can remember is that my (green auto save thru keyboard ⌨️ 2:05 pmpt) pee was yellow for the longest time. And I’m not tall. In high school 🏫 b4 moving to blossom hill I think 💭 I have the memory of trying to do what the doctors 🥼 said: drink more water 💦. One day I did it all at once to play catch up 🆙. I got a tummy ache. Bcz my stomach was full of only water 💦. Weird now that I think about it. Hot butt pain 2:07 pmpt

2:21 pmpt I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if my eczema was (hot searing butt pain 2:22 pmpt) a test for specific type of people. 2:23 pmpt tummy ache 😖!

2:25 pmpt I once was told I looked anorexic. So maybe 🤔 I was made to look 👀 like I have been malnourished? 2:25 pmpt

2:32 pmpt if you never had a major accident, head trauma, and were never abused and malnourished, would that be the perfect set up 🆙 to see your true nature ? 2:33 pmpt 2:34 pmpt but I guess it don’t matter. If all people are the same. Animals.

6:52 pmpt 6:53 pmpt the incubus/miñion thinks it is justified to sprinkle acid over my whole vagina a minute ago. I never attacked anyone with acid. 6:54 pmpt I was recalling what I wrote yesterday? And then they attacked me. That happens a lot. I will recall something I wrote or said and then like clockwork they attack. Which means they were probably making me recall it, so that I know the reason for the attack , without their verbal explanation 6:56 pmpt.

6:56 pmpt why was I even born? I wish I wasn’t. This torture is vicious. 6:57 pmpt heinous.

6:57 pmpt they like to sterilize the idea of their actions to justify it and give themselves a cleaner image. 6:58 pmpt it’s still torture. Makes me wish I was never born.

6:59 pmpt they always insult me calling me trash 🗑. 7 pmpt I think someone who enjoys torturing people (includes retaliation for thinking 💭 the worse in them and suspecting the worse in them after they showed a lot of enjoyment in torturing me and destroying my things when I have no money left and they already broke me depriving me of the ability to breathe 🧘🏻‍♀️ for long periods of time ... 7:01 pmpt and they have the same job title as the demon angels who made dugard’s repeated rape happen and probably many other girls and women..) I really don’t see how they could be better than me. 7:02 pmpt but whatever. I don’t know them. Only what they are capable of making happen. But that doesn’t seem to determine their self worth. Unless they are really good at living in denial. 7:03 pmpt in a lot it tv dramas 🎭 in the times I was growing up 🆙, people who had power no money to hire hitmen were as guilty as the people committing the crimes. 7:04 pmpt they seem to have the guts and stomach to witness it for years and let it happen and make it happen Bcz it is not happening to them. (Themselves 10:06 pmpt d*mn incubus miñion keeps changing my text) 7:05 pmpt

7:24 pmpt dugard’s kidnapping can probably also be categorized as s*x trafficking? And the p*lice 👮‍♂️ And the doctors 🥼 let him go to probably do it again. 7:26 pmpt so literally. This is one version of it, and the p*lice and doctors 🥼 being complicit. And demon angels. 7:28 pmpt

7:29 pmpt makes me think 💭 there are no decent humans in power. 7:29 pmpt

9:32 pmpt felt an attack on an organ in the upper right abdomen area. 9:33 pmpt

10:07 pmpt I think 💭 he burned my stomach again. And throat and ear 👂 10:07 pmpt 10:08 pmpt

10:18 pmpt my abdomen has been feeling uncomfortable since they attacked it more and revealed the soreness of 2 organs, the bruised feelings of another organ. They also stabbed another organ a lot b4 this. They wanted to make me feel very uncomfortable after I had thought 💭 it maybe wasn’t that bad. They are always like that. They love torture. They love s*xual torture. Of women and children 👶. They like slow tortured death ☠️. I think 💭 I am dead ☠️ inside. 10:22 pmpt

10:24 pmpt my abdomen has been feeling heavier and more uncomfortable now that they slashed it or whatever they did inside. They are attacking my spine now. My abdomen didn’t feel heavy b4 until they damaged it more. Feels like I’m carrying dead ☠️ weight I’m afraid. Adam Noah Levine lied 🤥 that he loved 🥰 me. If you saw all the weird stories he’s been putting up like behati holding Calvin Klein jeans 👖 upside down, to communicate to his fans, “don’t worry, the children 👶 are genetically behati’s, not mine, eve Though he changed the baby’s eye 👁 color to brown, which you can’t get with blue and green only, which are behati’s eye 👁 colors. The baby in pink with black hair who cries when the incubus’ music 🎶 gets turned off. He wanted me to think that’s gio, w/ brown eyes 👀 and to think she looks like me. So he’s a liar 🤥. He likes to add insult to injury and death ☠️. The makings of a trait of a nice guy. Not. 10:32 pmpt

11:06 pmpt

11:08 pmpt

11:33 pmpt he had 3 fingers out for “ lil babies” 👶 picture

11:43 pmpt this was b4 the (autocorrect game end s 11:44 pmpt) sumner stroh stuff right? So he’s intentionally using that picture of behati to really mean dna 🧬 genes 🧬 jeans 👖 Bcz he’s screwing with other people so he has to indicate who the children’s 👶 mother is? Even though the babies 👶 literally come out of her.... ? Otherwise why jeans 👖 =. Genes 🧬? Of lil babies 👶 (he edited out his middle finger which was there sticking out when this was in the story. He hacked my pictures! Otherwise ,,,, would we have to assume surrogacy??????????!? Should we not assume already? Why point it out? No one questioned him. 11:48 pmpt he likes to mess with us!

12:20 am pt he has been editing my pictures and rearranging the pictures. I can see the middle finger from the photo app but it’s hard for me to see here. “lil babies” is dated June 23 2022 and the behati jeans 👖 June 26 2022. 12:22 am pt

1:52 am pt I wrote power AND money 💰, above. They keep changing it. They burned me a lot the past hour. It’s not fair. My arm is becoming red. 1:54 am pt

I

1:55 1:56 am pt the mesh on the Nike baby 👶 shoes 👟 is reminding me of shoes 👟 I bought in 2010? And 2015. 1:57 am pt I went to Boston in may 2010. 1:57 am pt and New York. 1:58 am pt nothing matters anymore. He played games with my head. It seems that the world 🌎 I lived in wasn’t what I thought 💭 it was. It’s a lot scarier. And weirder. And everything seems.. topsy turvy upside down. 2 am pt 2:01 am pt. I guess burning 🔥 me to death ☠️ is a great way to let us know which personality is real. The one who will make us look horrible and then insult us fir how we look. 2:02 am pt after toying with us and our feelings. 2:03 am pt after tricking us and using us like puppets. 2:04 am pt

3:30 🕞 am pt incubus keeps on burning 🔥 my back and rib cage areas. I probably do have black lung 🫁 like he said in the making of Sunday morning music 🎶 video on Ryan dusick’s Instagram. I wish I was never born but they seemed to really want me born even though they knew I was going to be whatever I am. It’s apparent Bcz of my family’s names. I wish I was never born. They like to make babies 👶 born to be tortured Bcz they like to torture people. It’s probably their favorite hobby. 3:35 am pt some people wondered if people who get tattoos are masochists. Do masochists like to torture people? 3:36 am pt

3:56 am pt the guy I believe is the incubus miñion I think is ≈6 feet tall or taller. NASA backpack 🎒? Dark brown? Hair. White skin. Probably has an arrogant walk. 3:58 am patroon (4am pt room) to the right hand 🤚 side of my room. 3:59 am pt

4:24 am pt I wrote many posts ago about the story of Melissa cuen at the double tree hotel 🏨 on prom night talking with a New York accent for the first time and gushing the name “ADAM.” And then my attention or rather my ability to focus on what she was saying stopped 🛑. What if the incubus timing ⏱ of approaching her on prom night was strategically planned.... to be where a lot of teens were at once with access to beds 🛌. 🥺😵🤐😰 4:27 am pt

4:54 am pt I think 💭 they punished me with more lemon 🍋 juice 🧃. I can taste 👅 the sourness of it and my throat feels dryer. 4:55 am pt yuck. I felt pain inside. 4:56 am pt

10:04 am pt 10:05 Bcz my organs seem to be dying/being killed off, I guess that means incubus is REALLY incubus. That part isn’t a lie. I’m afraid. Probably closer to the original meaning of goat 🐐? In the dictionaries of early 80’s. 10:06 am pt if child m*lestaltion and rape really happened for a long time then I see a reason why women would hide away and find hobbies. (Acid throat pain 10:08 am pt) why does a fire 🔥 burn? 10:09 am pt this morning i woke up to an intense ray of sun 🌞 on my window 🪟 very early. Is this normal? I don’t think 💭 it is? I think 💭 they don’t like intelligent women. So they prefer them younger. 10:11 am pt Bcz my organs are dying, maybe 🤔 tht is the reason why I’m close but far from the incubus. Liza might really be mine then? But he doesn’t really want me. Could I be genetically the reincarnation of the first god? 10:14 am pt

4:40 pmpt they seemed to have deleted a line to correct a sentence they edited. Now they’re trying o make me forget the sentence. They want me and others to believe that they are giving out punishment to those who would have committed crimes. I think it speaks more to what they themselves enjoy doing if they are the ones actually doing it. How do we know ourselves when are brains 🧠 are being tampered with and controlled? 4:43 pmpt and tricked? And made addicted? . Sh*tty. 4:44 pmpt our brains 🧠. Tired 😴 4:45 ribs pain left back.

[watermelonlovershigh]

I don’t know if your accepting prompts or anything but could you do Harry as a single parent to a teenage daughter and she starts her period and has to go to him for help? Btw I love your writing and hope you’re having an amazing day!!!

Harrys Daughter Gets Her First Period

(Harry has 3 kids/Teddy age 5, Olivia age 8, and Darcy age 12)

Back story-

Harry was a single parent. Well his kids have a mum, but she's a famous actress in Hollywood, and she and Harry have been divorced for years now. While she's away from London filming a movie in Los Angeles, Harry has been keeping their three kids at his London home. He doesn't tour as much as he used to so he has a lot more free time on his hands. That means he can spend some quality time with his children. He loves it. He loves his kids with every fiber in his body. He regrets not being able to spend more time with them when they were younger, but being a popstar requires a lot of traveling. So unfortunately, he was on the road most of their childhood. Now in his late 30s, he stays home a lot more but of course he still writes and sings music. He just doesn't tour those songs unless its the occasional tv appearance here and there. Harry's kids love their father as well. They always have. They always understood his job and never had hard feeling towards him not being around. So when their mum told them they would be staying with Harry for a few mouths while she filmed a movie, they were super excited.

Current time-

It was currently six in the morning. Harrys alarm just went off letting him know its time to wake his kids up for school. He climbs out of his bed and makes his way to his master bathroom to pee and brush his teeth. Once finished, he makes his way down the hallway to where his kids rooms are. He first knocks and opens his youngest child Teddy's door asking him to wake up please. Then he goes to his middle child Olivia's room asking her to wake up for school. Lastly he goes to his oldest child Darcy's room who's 12 years old. Harry knocks on her door and steps inside. He hears what sounds like muffled cries.

"Darcy love, what's wrong?" Harry asked Darcy while taking a seat on the edge of her bed.

"My tummy really hurts dad." she replies.

"What kind of hurt love? Like pain hurt of sick hurt."

"I don't know. I don't feel as though I'm gonna be sick. It just hurts."

"Alright, you can stay home with me today. Once I get Teddy and Olivia ready for school, I'll give you some medicine. I'll call Jack my chauffeur and ask him to take them to school today so I don't have to leave you. Does that sound alright?"

"Yes thank you dad. Love you." Darcy says quietly.

"I love you to my love. Now get some rest and I'll be back in no time with some medicine for you to take." Harry speaks while laying a kiss to her forehead then exiting the room.

Harry gets Teddy all dressed in his uniform and helps him brush his hair and teeth. Then he does the same for Olivia. Once both kids are properly clothed, he goes down stairs to his kitchen and makes them a quick and easy breakfast. While they sit at the kitchen island eating their breakfast, Harry steps away to phone his chauffeur and ask if he could take his kids to school. (yes Harry has a chauffeur but he only uses him for emergencies or for formal events.) Jack agreed and said he would be at Harry's house in just a few minutes.

Jack the chauffeur came and picked up Teddy and Olivia to take them to school. Harry goes back into the kitchen to find some medicine for his daughter Darcy. He wasn't sure what kind of stomach ache she had. All he knew was that she said she didn't feel sick, so upset stomach medicine wasn't the best option for this instance. He just grabbed some generic pain medicine and a glass of water and headed back up to her room.

Waking up a sleeping Darcy, Harry sits on the edge of her bed handing her the pills and water and says, "Here Darcy. Take these and it should help your tummy pain. If not, I might need to take you to the doctors later."

She swallows the pills and replies back, "Thank you for the medicine dad."

"Its no problem sweetie. Just doing what a father does. Takes care of their sick child." Harry calmly states, "Also, I have to go into my studio room to write some songs with your Uncle Niall, so if you need anything , anything at all, please come get me."

"Will do."

Harry leaves Darcy's room and heads to go into his in home studio room to write some new songs with Niall, and Darcy tries to go back to sleep. Though it was difficult, she managed to fall back asleep for about an hour until she felt the urge to pee. She climbs out of bed and goes into her bathroom which is located in her bedroom. She pulls her pants and panties down like she normally would to sit on the toilet. Only this time she sees something different. Something her mum had told her about but she never really payed it any attention thinking she had a few more years to go before it came. Blood. She sees blood in her panties. That means she just got her period. Darcy still uses the toilet like normal, but when she wiped, the tissue was covered in blood. She felt like crying. How was she supposed to tell her dad that she just got her period. Men don't know anything about periods she thought and her mum was thousands of miles away so she is no help.

Darcy finishes using the toilet and makes her way down to her dad Harrys music studio room. Even from up stairs, she could hear her Uncle Niall's guitar echoing through the walls. She loves her Uncle Niall to pieces but what she's about to have to tell her dad, she wants it to be in private. Darcy approaches the door shyly and walks in.

"Umm dad, can I speak with you privately?" Darcy questions her dad.

"Of course." Harry said with a concerned face. "I'll be right back Niall."

Harry walks out of the studio room and into the hall where his daughter is standing.

"Yeah my love, what's wrong? Is your stomach still hurting?"

"Um yeah but I know why," Darcy says while not making eye contact due to her embarrassment, "I think I got my period. I went to the bathroom and there was blood in my panties. Also I accidently leaked a little on my bed."

"Come here," Harry says while wrapping his arms around his daughters body, "It's alright. I have just what you need. Follow me."

She's a bit confused as to why her dad would have period products at his house beings that he's single, but she doesn't think to much on it. Harry takes her into his bathroom and opens the cabinet under the sink. He takes out a mini bag that's got some pads and tampons inside.

"I made this for you knowing you'd get your period soon. There are some pads and tampons inside. But I think pads are better to start out with. Do you know how to use them?"

"I think so." she answers shyly and Harry can tell she's a bit embarrassed.

"Hey, look at me. There is no reason to be embarrassed. I might be your dad but I know quite a lot about periods. Did you forget I grew up with your gran and Gemma who both had periods each month. Not to mention, I was married to your mother for many years. Plus, periods are a good thing. Means you're a healthy, growing female. I'm going to step out while you get situated alright." he spits out.

Harry shuts the bathroom door to give his daughter some privacy and goes to find a heating pad he knows he has. Usually for when his back is hurting. Once he finds it, Harry plugs it in the wall socket by his bed. He figured she could lay down in his big king size bed while he washes her spoiled bedding. Just as he was plugging the heating pad up, Darcy opens the bathroom door.

"Alright, you can lay down in my bed if you want, and I got you a heating pad that should help you tummy pain. Is there anything else you need?" Harry asked Darcy.

"No I'm fine, but umm," Darcy stumbles on her words a bit, "could you maybe have a cuddle with me for a while. I mean when you get done with work that is."

"I'd love to. I'll be right back."

Darcy climbs into her fathers bed and Harry makes his way back to his music studio.

"Is everything alright?" Niall asks.

"Yep. She just got her first period and isn't feeling to well. Do you think we could cut this session up."

"Yeah of course mate." Niall replies back.

Niall gathers his things and heads out the front door and left out the security gates of Harry's home. Harry makes his way to his bedroom where he finds Darcy bundled up in his fluffy duvet sound asleep. He slips off his shoes and crawls in beside her fragile body. Then he scoots her body close to his so that her head is laying on his clothed tattooed chest. Harry runs his fingers in her hair and watches her peacefully sleep. About 10 minutes later, he finds himself dozing off with his daughter in his arms soundly.

Hope this was okay. I don't normally write fanfictions unless it has either Harrys wife or girlfriend as the reader but I made an exception for this request.

MASTERLIST

[aka-willow]

Hydra

gif

Words: 1559

Characters: Willow Wren, Dr. Dawn Turner, Laura Grace Ferguson

Prompt/Tag:

“We have to look out for each other.”

“quiet. they can hear us.”

Summary: Dr. Dawn Turner runs tests on Willow to figure out her progress since the Facility

Timeline: March 2016

Song: Hydra - Henry Jackman

A/N: thanks for reading - as always! ily guys

—————————————————————————–

Back in the cell. Couldn’t think properly. It was like I was processing everything through a wave of television static. I watched the scientists through the window, but nothing made sense to me. I paced, until I was too tired and hungry to pace, and sat up against the wall near the door. I knocked on the concrete wall and wondered what was on the other side as I shut my eyes.

“Hello? Are you awake?”

I opened my eyes again and looked around the cell. There was no one else there and I put my ear against the wall to see if I could hear the voice again. It sounded tiny. “Who’s there? Who are you?” I asked.

“I’m Laura Ferguson,” said the voice on the other side of the wall. “Who are you? And quiet. They can hear us.”

I’m October. No, that’s not right. I’m… “Willow,” I said slowly, the name sounding so unfamiliar in this space. “Wren.”

“What’s your middle name? Mine’s Grace.”

“I don’t have one,” I said, wishing I could see who this was. It sounded like a child.

“You can share mine if you’d like,” Laura said. “So, you can be Willow Grace Wren.”

I nodded my head, even though she couldn’t see me. Yeah, if I remember that when I get out of here. If I get out of here. “How old are you?” I asked. “How did you end up here?”

“I’m seven and a half,” she said, and I felt a new level of despair I didn’t know was there. “My parents said it’s for work. My dad says that if I do good, he’ll let me get an Xbox. Did your parents send you here too?”

“No.”

“Oh. Why are you here?”

“It’s a long story. Are you okay? Are you hurt?” God, this poor kid. She’s not going to get out of here. That’s not how HYDRA works. Neither of us are getting out of here unless we have some miracle.

“My tummy hurts,” Laura said. “And my head. I threw up earlier.”

Not good. “I’m sorry.”

“Are you okay?” she asked, and I heard the genuine concern in her voice. “We have to look out for each other.”

“Yeah I’m fine.” I struggled to concentrate. What are they doing with Laura here? Is she like me? Like my siblings? Or just some kid with really sucky parents? “Um Laura, do you have powers? I mean, can you do things other people can’t do?”

“I can fold my tongue up into a taco,” she bragged. “I’m the only person in my class who can do that.”

“That’s neat. Uh… I meant more like… you know Captain America? Like him.”

“Oh. No. But I want to.”

Esh. No you don’t, Laura. Please… just leave her alone.

I heard motion outside the door, and I stopped talking as I moved away from the wall and back towards the cot, as far away from the door as possible. One of the guards, armed, entered, and motioned for me to stand up. I couldn’t use my powers, I didn’t have the energy to fight back, and the effect of the words they continued to repeat to me was really starting to take hold now. I felt like I did back at the Facility, like a robot, just going through the motions until the next assignment.

He walked me down a series of halls before we stopped in front of the door and he opened it with a keycard before pushing me inside. Dr. Turner was already in there, sitting at the table inside, and I was handcuffed to the chair across from her. I didn’t resist the restraints this time and she smiled as she opened up her laptop. “How are you adjusting to being home?” she asked.

“I’m hungry,” I whispered, one of the only things I could concretely think about.

“You can eat when we say so. You don’t need to eat now.”

“But I’m hungry.”

“You’re fine, October,” she said, and that ended that conversation. “Otherwise, how are you feeling? Any anxiety… stress?”

“What do you think?”

She paused before making a note. “You know what I’m going to tell you, don’t you?” Don’t say it. “Take a deep breath,” she said, and she took one herself to demonstrate. “Clear your mind.” She clicked her tongue. “Still, I’ll have them give you something for that.”

I looked away from her and back at the door, trying desperately to imagine myself anywhere but here.

“Look at me,” Dr. Turner said, and I turned back. “I want to ask about the others. After a period of… chaos… we are finally equipped to bring the rest of you back in. You’re going to help us do that. Do you know where any of them went?”

I didn’t answer and tried to stare at the wall behind her instead.

“Do you know where any of them went?” she repeated, louder this time.

I knew that if I talked, I would tell her. I couldn’t help it. It was like I wanted to—like with Kilgrave and the Facility before that all over again. It’s like I’m back to where I started.

When I didn’t answer again, she stood and hit me across the face. Hard. I didn’t react to that either.

“The only reason we haven’t reset you is because you may have valuable information,” said Dr. Turner, pacing. “If you don’t give us that, then we’ll just go ahead with the reset.” Reset. The Faustus stuff only worked a little on enhanced individuals—we still had some sense of self. A reset was the total wipe. There was no coming back from that, and if the Monster book were used as well, that would be it. I would lose whatever bit of me was still left.

“I don’t know about the others,” I whispered. “Maybe if you just give me time to think…”

“We’ll reset tomorrow night.” I stared at the floor and I heard her shoes click across the floor as she walked towards the door, knocking on it. When I peered out, I saw several more armed guards waiting outside. “You can take her to the lab now,” she said. “I’m interested to see how she reacts to some of the new stuff we have in development.” She let one of the other scientists in past her and I watched as he uncapped a needle.

“We need to update our other samples,” she said to him, speaking over her shoulder. “Now that she’s in better shape, I have a list of biopsies I want done.”

He prepped my arm for the needle. “And that’s being done right now too?”

“Yes,” she said, just as I felt the pinprick and my eyelids began to shut again. “Let me know if there are any problems.”

I didn’t wake up until hours later, back in the cell, lying on the cot. My whole body was sore and went I sit up, I find various bandages taped down over my body. Even my wings hurt, and I lifted up the back of my shirt to let them out, even though the space was too small for them to fully expand. They were fine, but I noticed a neat line of stitches on my right one, and the ligaments themselves seem to ache. What time is it? How much time has passed? I looked up at the camera in the corner of the cell and watched the red light blink on and off. In the other corner, I saw a tray with remnants of food on it. Oh. So, I did eat at some point between the lab and waking up now. How much have I already forgotten?

I dragged myself over to the wall I shared with Laura. “Hi Laura. You awake?”

It took a moment, but she responded. “Yeah.”

“Doing okay?”

“I’m okay. Just tired. They’re doing a test soon I think. In the morning.”

I didn’t have anything else to say to her and I watched as the scientists in the lab began to clear out for the night. It had to be late, possibly even early morning at this point. How did I escape last time? It was luck, really.

The lights were dimmed, and I brought myself back over to the cot, wondering if I should try and sleep, if I could ever bring myself to sleep. Back when I was sleeping on the rooftop, so long ago, I had always been afraid to sleep, always half-dozing off, my ears always listening for trouble.

But now, I couldn’t even bring myself to do that, not unless they made me.

I laid my hand over the side and my finger caught something underneath it. I peered underneath and saw a wire poking out from the thin mattress. I looked back up at the camera and then slowly extended my hand towards the wire and let it cut into the palm of my hand. Methodically, I scratched in the one word I could remember, still at the forefront of my mind. Sumerkey.

Willow. I’m fourteen years old. I’ve been here… for three days. Maybe four. Laura is the girl next door to me and her middle name is Grace. I used to sleep with a stuffed elephant. I had two rats named Nedward and… Boxer Joe.

When I finished, I pulled my hand out and saw the word in bloody lettering across my palm. I used the scratchy blanket on the cot to stop the bleeding and I hoped that I’d remember tomorrow.

[aisleb]

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A lot of money, time and power are wasted in numerous weight reduction applications which are ineffective in reality. Therefore, using herbal dietary supplements can be an efficient approach to burn all these extra fat. It s Shark Tank Weight Loss Products – Best Supplements For Weight Loss 2019 Phen375 Bali no marvel that many people prefer to ⚠️ Discover The Top And Most Effective Diet Pills That Work Fast Phen375 Bali buy skins when they at any given time roughly what proportion of all us adults are trying to shed weight Weight Management play games Baili Qingfeng muttered and seemed away Phen375 Bali from the mirror. Here’s a bitter reality about the weight loss weight loss supplements. There are so lots of them available today, but not all of them work for actual. The different weight reduction products are the various diet products. Though there are some controversial diet products that improve your metabolic speed and are by no means protected on your well being. Water is understood to be one of the best and pure food plan drink that helps within the process of weight loss. The existence of herbal food plan dietary supplements has been from historic period and in latest time they have gained the attention and exposure that they're value of. Doctors and consultants are actually realizing the various advantages of natural and natural products in a single’s well being. Also, based on DSHEA, it’s simply the manufacturer’s legal responsibility to offer a believable proof of its product security. But unfortunately, not all the companies which manufacture the dietary remedies meet this demand. Created by Shippitsa ltd., Phen375 is a weight loss complement that claims to be made in an FDA-compliant facility and use scientifically researched ingredients. The firm states that their product will allow you to to suppress your cravings, burn fat, and shed weight.

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Based on the overwhelming constructive reviews, it is protected to name PhenQ the simplest urge for food suppressant out there. I even have visited different blogs, forums and social media pages to get a feel of what customers are saying about PhenQ weight loss tablets. I wanted to know if they are getting results. These natural weight reduction dietary supplements are aspect impact free and cheap. If you make use of those supplements, you might be bound to lose round 5 to 10 pounds on the earliest however with the inclusion of a wholesome consuming behavior and a regulated exercising regime. The matter is that the large variety of the natural diet pills doesn’t fall throughout the purview of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration regulation. The Dietary Supplement and Health Education Act (DSHEA) states that FDA has to involve itself within the concern only if the complement features a fully new component. PhenQ will certainly make you fall in love together with your body again. And there’s nothing to lose as it comes with a money back assure. I’m assured PhenQ will assist you to drop those annoying extra pounds and hit you’re your objective quicker. With the most effective products that yow will discover within the weight loss pill industry, not solely do they supply results. But they do it with none dangerous substances that may cause probably nasty or even simply annoying side effects. The majority of producers present dishonest statements in regards to the efficacy and safety of their dietary supplements. Phen375 is a supplement claiming to be a scientifically-researched superior formulation for weight loss. It aims to extend metabolic price, boost vitality levels and suppress meals cravings. It’s out there over-the-counter, so no prescription is required. Do you determine to lose weight? Does excess weight disturb you? You start to undergo from cardiovascular ailments due to the surplus weight, don’t you? Now, all these issues are solved with the assistance of one of the best drug for obesity – PhenQ.

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Unless and till a person avails the suitable instructions and medicines from their GP or common physician, these dietary supplements wouldn't be capable of fight obesity. However, there are nonetheless many manufacturers who care about both the shoppers’ health and own status. It is regarded by many as one of the best appetite suppressant for girls. Obesity doesn't only take toil on one’s well being but in addition one’s mind. In a hope to shed weight many dieters take the assistance of weight loss supplements.

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When you choose the pure slimming capsules for fueling your weight loss makes an attempt, you to start with count on the physique weight cut. But this is not the only profit you possibly can rely on. 🛒The Best Weight Loss Supplements & Diet Pills Of 2019 Phen375 Bali 🏧 Phen375 Bali. 🛒Phen375 Bali Ketoviante Weight Loss Supplement Is To Overcome Your Untimely Eating Habit And Turning Stored Fat As An does hydroxycut actually work for weight reduction Weight Management Immense Source Of Energy For Healthy Body Function. It has a thermogenic property that enhances metabolism so that the physique can more easily burn fats. When mixed with the stimulants in Phen375, it is even more effective. Why this plant extract is included in a weight loss formulation is still unsure, however some studies have proven it to be efficient solely when paired with the opposite weight reduction ingredients, as well as with weight-reduction plan and exercise. One such product is Phen375. Is it a respectable complement, or a scam?

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Many folks declare that the product worked for them although they didn't comply with a regimented exercise exercise or diet plan. However, like any weight reduction complement, if you mix Phen375 with reducing your caloric consumption and consistent exercise, your weight loss shall be accelerated greatly. Phen 375 is an over-the-counter dietary supplement promoting “a slimmer, sexier you.” It has been available on the market since 2009 and claims to have a scientifically-researched superior formulation that may lead to lowered food cravings, elevated metabolic fee, fats burning, increased power, and weight loss. It helps to not only boost your vitality, however to curb your urge for food as well. Although appetite suppressant doesn't aid immediate weight reduction, it, nevertheless, let you management your weight naturally by aiding sooner metabolism and reducing excess craving which will result in you ingesting a excessive amount of calories than your physique needs. There a several products obtainable in the market under various manufacturers and names. Vitamin B2, Vitamin B6, Vitamin B5 and Vitamin C are amongst the best vitamins that aid within the promotion of weight loss. Many specialists and well being instructors are of the opinion that the natural methods are all the time the healthy and greatest way to lose all the additional weight. Therefore, weight reduction dietary supplements ought to be consumed by taking the recommendation of their doctor and use the prescribed ones solely as a result of shedding weight the healthy way is all the time good for one’s life. Are you currently on the lookout for one of the best weight reduction tablets so you possibly can burn your undesirable kilos? This is to take care of an apt balance of all the vitamins in our bodies. Dieters consume some type of weight reduction pills and continue to consume unhealthy meals, thinking that the former would do the magic in shedding weight. Weight issues have eaten the minds of many, although many haven’t been able to because of them! The finest weight loss products are those that basically show outcomes and usually are not ballooned with guarantees.

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My money is on “nobody”. So, if you’re at present on the lookout for an efficient, fats-burning dietary supplement to make your weight reduction journey a bit simpler, you could have actually stumbled upon Phen375. Therefore, one should adopt a proper food plan plan while using weigh loss supplements. This method correct health would be sustained and all of the unwanted weight would be dissolved. So, lengthy story quick, if you wish to obtain the best results, then you need to take solely as many Phen375 diet pills as really helpful. In an eventuality, you exceed your recommended dosage, there’s a possibility that you may have to cope with some delicate unwanted effects. CHECK PRICEWhat’s the most important thing you have to know about this resolution? Phen357 is the fact that is one hell of an urge for food suppressor. It goes without saying that the unacceptably excessive proportion of people suffers from weight problems, which comes on account of unhealthy life habits.

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The producers of the non-artificial dietary supplements which struggle obese promote their products as highly safe. But not all of these supplement commercials line up with reality. The lively components of the drug get into the body and bind the mind and central nervous system. At this level the motion of PhenQ happens. During regular starvation an impulse will get to the brain of a human and it is blocked and does not reach a degree of vacation spot.

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The chook that picks up the celebs just isn't Haidongqing, but the golden winged Dapeng, saying that in the Journey to the West do not give me a mouth shut, don't understand Health Information Phen375 Weight Loss Pill Pills the spray, don't stain the format right here, let me say a few Useful phen375 weight loss capsule Pills Big Sale phrases, such a magical Haidongqing is dead, should dig too much pit to bury it The digging pit should use the excavator. When passing via Most Important phen375 weight reduction tablet Pills Health Information a shop called Qin is Jewelry, Li Qingyun phen375 weight loss pill Pills Sexual Healthy made a bad look and wanted to go in and see that phen375 weight reduction pill Pills Erectile Dysfunction he wanted to choose a wedding diamond ring for Yang Yunu.

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Also, factors corresponding to age, power burst, or overdose (if someone takes more than the 2 recommended tablets per day) can contribute to certain unwanted side effects. Citrus aurantium is also known as bitter orange and is a citrus fruit present in southeast Asia. Having got rid of the surplus weight it will be straightforward for you because you're going to get rid of a heavy load of your body. PhenQ is the best fats burner and you'll ensure in it. Under the affect of PhenQ weight loss occurs and an individual doesn't resort to hard workouts, diets or surgical intervention. The producers of the non-artificial dietary supplements which struggle obese promote their products as highly safe. But not all of these supplement commercials line up with reality. The lively components of the drug get into the body and bind the mind and central nervous system. At this level the motion of PhenQ happens. During regular starvation an impulse will get to the brain of a human and it is blocked and does not reach a degree of vacation spot.

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It is a legitimate product that can assist in increasing power, accelerating metabolism, and reducing weight. Losing weight can typically lead to your body feeding off of muscle for power before using saved fats. This will end result within the unwanted loss of muscle mass all through the physique. Phen375 claims that it has thermogenic properties that help in the constructing of muscle fiber, which implies you received’t lose your attractive muscle tone while losing weight.

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Phen375 is designed in facilities that have acquired all Food and Drug Administration’s approvals. This means that the manufacturers of Phen375 needed to comply with the strict guidelines in this field that regulate the production of those kinds of products. The very fact that these slimming capsules have been permitted by essentially the most respectable body in this trade should be greater than sufficient to provide the absolute peace of thoughts. Phen375 is among the finest weight loss tablets available in the market right now that has stood the test of time. It is a scientifically formulated diet pills that suppress urge for food, boosts physique metabolism and promotes fast fats loss. You can purchase the complement on-line by way of the official website. You’ll merely visit the official web site and buy Phen375; no prescription is required. All diet dietary supplements are not same and suitable for all. This is as a result of a person’s physique sort and well being requirement differs from the second individual. ERdiet Appetite Attack is a 60-capsule suppressant made for ladies. This product is full of key natural urge for food suppressing ingredients like apple cider, african mango, plain caffeine powder and green tea. These components will aid in fast weight discount.

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However, there are alternatives to use in your weight administration plan. According to the company website, Phen375 is affiliated with Shippitsa ltd. This enterprise has been around since 2004. There just isn't much info given on this company, and it’s unclear if they offer some other health or weight reduction supplements. There can also be a “contact us” kind available on the principle website, which lets you submit an email message or inquiry at any time.

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Commonly included in at-house detox recipes to boost metabolism, when included in a weight reduction complement method cayenne pepper helps to extend blood move, allowing the other components to be absorbed higher, whereas additionally burning energy. Also generally known as Trimethylxanthine, or just caffeine, this ingredient is commonly present in weight loss supplements. Phen375 is going to deliver the thoughts-blowing results only if you combine these drugs with an acceptable train plan and a nutritious diet. There are no shortcuts in relation to weight loss, at least not the ones which might be threat-free. Of course, the catch is not to starve or really feel dangerous when you’re using this weight reduction supplement.

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Weight loss dietary supplements are generally referred to as anorexiants. Most of the weight loss dietary supplements are doubtlessly protected and effective only if they are used with correct directions and instructions. These weight loss supplements alone can't help in the discount of weight. We look to start with for the right components. The ingredients are the idea of any product, and if they do not work, obviously you are not going to get any outcomes.

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So are they really all they say they are? Read our evaluation to seek out out if Phen375 is legit, or if you need to stop. So, is it a rip-off? No. Though the price does a run a bit on the excessive facet (more on that beneath), Phen375 does exactly what it says and is a legitimate complement to aid in shedding weight, increasing your energy, and boosting your metabolism. Yes, using one of the best natural urge for food suppressant is the best bet for you if you wish to lose weight quickly without subjecting your self to rigorous exercises. Natural urge for food suppressants are a mixture of compound micro and macronutrients which triggers a greater and sooner metabolic process in your body system. They are protected to make use of and are very potent in curbing extreme meals cravings. Based on our research, our #1 really helpful efficient appetite suppressant made with pure components is PhenQ, to get a particular deal in your buy, Click Here. Sheer Strength Appetite Suppressants additionally has seven key ingredients, some of that are Theanine and Rhodiola Rosea.

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Therefore a person does not feel hunger and he/she doesn't wish to eat. Only 1 pill of PhenQ helps to manage starvation inside a day and you'll not eat. So, is Phen375 a scam like so many other weight reduction drugs on the market? No. With the right elements, you can lastly get the base you need to burn more fat, suppress appetite, and present certain vital outcomes. Without the best ingredients, no matter what claims they might make, you aren't going to get any results. But with the right elements, you get off to the proper start. The product vary in the sphere of natural anti-overweight supplements leaves no one indifferent. It’s straightforward to explain for the reason that naturalness of the non-prescription dietary treatments brings individuals with excessive weight many advantages. The enlargement of provide of pure slimming capsules is simply rising. That’s as a result of the variety of dietary supplementation admirers is increasing daily.

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So, lengthy story quick, if you wish to obtain the best results, then you need to take solely as many Phen375 diet pills as really helpful. In an eventuality, you exceed your recommended dosage, there’s a possibility that you may have to cope with some delicate unwanted effects. CHECK PRICEWhat’s the most important thing you have to know about this resolution? Phen357 is the fact that is one hell of an urge for food suppressor. It goes without saying that the unacceptably excessive proportion of people suffers from weight problems, which comes on account of unhealthy life habits. Also, factors corresponding to age, power burst, or overdose (if someone takes more than the 2 recommended tablets per day) can contribute to certain unwanted side effects. Citrus aurantium is also known as bitter orange and is a citrus fruit present in southeast Asia. Having got rid of the surplus weight it will be straightforward for you because you're going to get rid of a heavy load of your body. PhenQ is the best fats burner and you'll ensure in it. Under the affect of PhenQ weight loss occurs and an individual doesn't resort to hard workouts, diets or surgical intervention.

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The program works with human support, through coaching, personalized meal plans, professional articles and access to a food database managed by nutritionists. You get everything you need to lose weight and maintain it off – all from a clinically proven system. Cayenne pepper is a spicy fruit is used in food dishes, in addition to over-the-counter dietary merchandise. Cayenne pepper could help promote satiety and weight reduction, states the journal Bioscience Reports. The formulation out there within the United States is markedly totally different from the formulation utilized in Europe.

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Forskolin 250 diet pills additionally include a cash-back guarantee, so even if you don’t like your results you possibly can always return your buy for a full refund, making it definitely worth the danger. It offers a powerful natural boost to the destruction of fat deposits obtainable within the body, in addition to speeds up metabolic price. This all-pure dietary product aids your body in replacing fat with lean muscle mass. Not only is PhenQ effective however it is extremely cheap as opposed to the opposite out there weight loss supplements. This industry of diet dietary supplements is a billion greenback one. Diet dietary supplements are available in various types, from pills, shakes to bars, all promising to burn all those additional baggage or fats. But many misunderstand these supplements as magic parts and as a result avoid a healthy diet. Various weight reduction merchandise belong to a huge trade which is inclusive of products like dietary supplements, vitamins, health shakes, fats burning, and sports activities nutrition and also fitness merchandise. Weight loss products like supplements and nutritional vitamins are the key part in losing weight on a regular basis.

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But of course, it is possible for you to to enjoy the mentioned advantages only if you purchase the slimming capsules from the internationally famend manufacturers. You may select to take a look at prescription diet pills, there are several choices. The downside with many of these is that there typically are undesirable side effects. Proactol Plus stays a somewhat unique supplement as a result of it has the potential to bind fats making it easier to eliminate. How is this achieved and are the outcomes dependable?

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These key ingredients will break down complex substances in your body. They may also modulate the hormones responsible for food consumption in your physique system. Garcinia Extra is likely one of the handiest and bestselling weight loss pills within the marketplace at present. Click right here for the bottom priceComing fourth on the list is Garcinia Cambogia Exra. This is likely one of the hottest weight loss supplements that works quick in the market right now.

[iswearimtoooldforthis]

I’m way beyond feeling like I’m a broken record...

Where to start... First things first. Back at the end of March I had to walk away from coaching and managing the new women’s football team here in Sacramento due to poor ownership. It was extremely hard for me to do because I felt like I was letting down my players but it was just an unhealthy situation and my gut told me it was the right thing to do. Turns out my gut was right because the team folded after only 2 games. I still keep in touch with most of my players which brings me to part of why I am starting to feel like a broken record... 

I know I am different. I’m not a “typical” female by any means. It has also taken me almost all of my life to finally be like “Fuck It” I don’t care what others think, I’m going to be true to myself and who I know I am as a person. With that being said, I’ve recently needed to explain my sexual orientation and how I identify repeatedly over the last few months. I’ve even been given a new term of endearment which is “Gaydar Killer” and I honestly find it quite a bit confusing as I do funny because after 26 years, I thought I had heard them all (oh, and there is a list). As always, I make no apologies for who I am or the things I have done in my life. I own every decision/choice I’ve made, good, bad, or indifferent. Most of my close friends are very aware of this and know that I have no reason to lie about anything but most of all, which sexual orientation I identify with. Trust me I completely get where the confusion comes from. I’m not an idiot. I know that the way that I look, dress and present myself falls into a typical stereotype. I’ve said it before in earlier posts. It doesn’t offend me. I’m flattered when a woman hits on me. Unfortunately, I have honestly never felt real sexual attraction toward any female in my life (except for a few times when I thought they were guys but we will get to that later). I think women are beautiful, gorgeous even, and I’ve been jealous of some of their bodies but I’ve never felt that sudden flush, butterflies in the tummy, or the ache to be with a woman. Please, don’t say “You won’t know unless you try” because I have and all the times I tried, I just felt like I was going through the motions or better yet, like I was acting in some sort of play or movie disguised as my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done the same with guys more times than I would like to admit but with women it just never developed or manifested into the feelings I get when I’m with guys. In all honestly, being true to who I am, it puts me at a disadvantage because guys tend to not want women that look and act like I do but I’m aldo at the point in my life where I don’t want to pretend to be something I’m not in order for someone to want to be with me. But I digress, back to being with women. In the end I just felt bad and like I was using these women for my own personal experiment and by no fault of their own, I just felt nothing toward them in a romantic or sexual way. Ok, to be super honest... I felt like a complete asshole because if a guy did to me (they have) what I felt like I had done to them (they did), I would be pissed (I was). It was not my proudest period in my life and I didn’t set off to do it intentionally but a lot of alcohol was involved so my inhibitions were just about non-existent and I didn’t even know that a few of them were women until clothes started coming off. Not that I’m saying that my misconception about their gender was an excuse for my behavior, because it wasn’t, and I still went through with everything after the fact (which in my personal opinion made me a huge dick). It was a total dick move on my part and I own up to it. I’ve been on the receiving end of that dick move a few times myself (my marriage being one of them) and it is just not a cool thing to do to someone. I felt dishonest. Part of me at the time even hoped that doing it would trigger something inside me, flip a switch so to say, that would awaken the part of me that wanted to be with women because at least then other aspects of my life and personality would start to make better sense. It sucked feeling the need to explain this part of my past to my players that were CONVINCED I was a lesbian but like I said, I own up to the things I’ve done. So again, with that being said, the question I was asked today shocked me because it was from someone that I’ve had in depth conversations with (recently even) only this time it wasn’t my sexuality that was being questioned but my identity. Today was the first time I was asked if I was transitioning... and the shocking part was not that I was asked but how much the being asked stung me. Just to be crystal clear... I was not offended by the question but the reason it stung was because this person honestly thought that I hated the gender that I was born. I have trans friends that I love dearly. Some I knew before and after they transitioned and others I only got to know after they transitioned but from them I know how very personal their transitions were. I love being female. I don’t love my menstrual cycle or being told I can’t do something because I’m female but I don’t feel that I was born in the wrong body (even if one of my cousins swears that I am a gay man trapped in a woman’s body). I can’t even begin to imagine what it would feel like to look at oneself in the mirror and see anatomy that contradicts what you feel it should be. One of the most depressing moments of my life was being told by my doctors that I would more than likely never have biological children of my own (that needs to be covered in a separate post) because the one thing I’ve always wanted to be, my entire life, was a mother. So, I had this very in depth conversation with this friend today and she explained why she asked. Why I’ve always “confused” her. Why am I like the way that I am. Most of which we had talked about before in one form or another and like usual I didn’t have a cookie cutter response to give her for the “why I am the way that I am.” I don’t know why. I’ve never been able to give any answer except I am the way that feels true to me. I feel that I don’t fall in the typical “straight” category because I am not feminine at all and never really felt comfortable pretending to be but I don’t fall within the LGBTQ category either because I don’t feel I am the wrong gender and so far I’ve only been sexually attracted to the opposite sex. I’ve always felt that I was in this grey area or where the two circles overlap. I feel more comfortable around my LGBTQ friends because my outward appearance, personality and traits mesh better with them than with my “straight” friends but my sexual orientation still keeps me on the outside to a certain extent with them also. It does hurt me to an extent because I never really feel like I fit in with either side completely but if I change any part of myself just to fit in one way or another, that would be false and to me living that lie would be worst. It doesn’t mean that I don’t understand where they are coming from. I do. If the terms I use in this next bit are not politically correct, I apologize in advance but I’m going to do my best in order to explain why I understand where my LGBTQ friends are coming from. The best way I can put it is like this. Just because I have black friends, and I dress like them, talk like them, hang out with them, that doesn’t mean that I know what its like to be a black person in America. I don’t know what it is like to be LGBTQ in America. I’ve caught passing glimpses because people assume that I am LGBTQ when they look at me (especially when I worked concert security) and have been called things and even escaped a few attempted “gay” bashings (I have this problem with not backing down and tend to fight back) but at the end of the day, I always identified as heterosexual. I never had to live in fear that I could be fired for falling in love. I never had any doubt that I would be able to marry the person I fell in love with. Or if the time came when I need to adopt in order to have a family, I wouldn’t be discriminated against because of the person I loved and chosen to have the family with. But some of my friends did have to worry about those things and that wasn’t okay to me. I didn’t care if it alienated me from my entire biological family or my new adopted family I married into, when it came to supporting and fighting for my friends and family to obtain the same rights as I had, I did it loud and proud. 

Dude, she and I went DEEP during this conversation and it was emotionally draining. This is finally how I put it and I think she understands for the most part (wait until you read her response at the end to see if you agree)... At the end of the day, I believe with my entire being that love is love (among consenting adults). You fall in love with the person you fall in love with and when you truly fall in love with someone, they become your every sexual desire. At least that is how it is for me. When I fell in love with my husband, he wasn’t my typical “type” by any means but when I fell for him, I fell hard and completely. In my life so far, I have only felt that way toward men. Does that mean that I won’t one day meet someone that is a woman, trans, or however they identify, that will make me feel the same way... I honestly don’t know. Because of what I believe love to be, I can’t definitively say that it won’t happen nor can I say that it will. All I can say that as of right now, it hasn’t. One of my favorite scenes from a movie is when Holden asks Alyssa in Chasing Amy “why him and why now” and she replies “... The way the world is--how seldom you meet that one person who gets you--it’s so rare. My parents didn’t really have it. There was no example set for me in the world of male/female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person--to immediately half your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender... that just seemed stupid. So I didn’t. But then you came along. You--the one least likely; I mean, you were a guy... And as I was falling for you. I put a ceiling on that, because you were a guy. Until I remember why I opened the door to women in the first place--not to limit the likelihood of finding that one person who’d complement me so completely. And so here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms--because I got here on my own terms, and have no question that there was someplace I didn’t look. And that makes all the difference.” And after hearing all this, my friend said... “Ok, based off what you just said about how you feel about love and just how you are, I’m just gonna say that you are queer and leave it at that because you said there still maybe a possibility.” FACE-PALM... I was like fine, if that’s what it takes to end this conversation so be it.

In all honesty, I’m so sick of having this conversation over and over again (sometimes with the same people) because I really don’t care at this point in my life. I’ve been through so much and have battled against what my family tried to turn me into for so long, in all reality I hate labels in general (except “tomboy” because I always felt it adequately described me) . A girl is suppose to dress a certain way, do certain things, only have certain interests, and is to be defined by the man she is with... BULLSHIT! A girl/woman can dress anyway she wants, do anything she wants, have what ever interest she wants... and she can love who she wants. The most important part is the “she wants” part and that is how I choose to live my life as long as it doesn’t intentionally hurt anyone else. 

It is way past my bedtime and I swear that I should be TOO OLD for this...

[indoafrikanqueen-blog]

Love and Whiteness (Part II)

So the last time I wrote a post on this subject it was more directly lamenting the difficulties of loving a white person and the ways in which they fail to see you on a one-on-one level. But as we get deeper into our relationship big things keep coming up. And this is why it has taken me so long to get around to writing part two of that post. Put simply, loving a white partner is not simply about the one on one relationship the two of you have. It is about much much more than that. See, there are the interpersonal dynamics between the two of you, then there are the larger societal power dynamics. Basically, what I have been coming to realise over the increasing course of my relationship is that deciding to build something with a white person is complex, because the advantages they have of being in the world slowly crowd out the little space you have. As a pansexual person in a heterosexual presenting relationship, this is because of the role patriarchy plays - a woman slowly is expected to conform to the culture of her partner, and her partner's family. That is, assimilation. But this is compounded because of the settler-colonist culture in South Africa, whiteness is seen as the highest bar of existence for all, and so with whiteness comes a sense of supremacy and entitlement, and if you don't fit the bar, you guessed it, you are less than worthy of being a part of the family. There are a number of challenges that come up when I think about the costs that being in a relationship with a white cis-het male have had on my psyche. And to speak frankly I am tired. In fact all the women in me are tired. But because it is a release, and because it may help someone else out there I am going to dish them up right now. So sit back, and enjoy (if possible). 1 - Privilege and the associated lack of lived experience. This is perhaps the biggest stumbling block in our relationship. If you are a black woman (or person) dating a white male, there probably is a phase where it is all hunky dory. But sooner or later, one day you wake up and have the earth-shattering realisation that:

"There is no way in which my cis-het, upper class, able-bodied, christian, male partner, has ever been systemically discriminated against in his entire life."

And this shakes you up because all you've ever known was struggle. As a woman, as a person of colour, as a non-hetero person, as a poor person, for me - as a survivor. And for a second you can't reconcile how it is that the two of you are together. For a split second you feel lucky, like maybe you won the lottery. You remember how hard it used to be when you were young, how you struggled through abuse, through trauma, through the vicarious trauma of those in your community, and you think "Ah, how did I get here? That all feels like a long and distant dream." Then you wake the fuck up and realise that you are not lucky. That the boundaries of the prison have just changed, and now while you are able to live and love and exist a lot easier than you were able to before there are constraints facing you that you would never imagine existed and these come in the shape of your partner's privilege. 

Obviously different people are woke to different levels, but white partners in particular tend to suffer from the white liberal affliction. They think that because you agree on the basis of morality and ethics there is no need to do extra work to be a good ally. In fact they may not even know what allyship means. And the burden of educating them is then defaulted onto YOU, the partner. 

Because they are an entitled white male, they get offended when you say that it is not your duty to educate them. They don't understand that you don't owe it to them. If you choose to educate them it is because you love them and you have committed  to your relationship. Educating them is a god damn privilege, not your job.  

In any case, privilege fucks with the power dynamics, and unless your partner is willing to put in the active conscious work, reading, listening to podcasts, watching stuff, reading and reading, he is not going to wake up. Not now. Not ever. 

2- Compounded with class and privilege comes family. In the case of my partner, he is half foreign, and half South African. And I always find that the half foreign aspect is what has saved him. Of the micro-aggressions that I experience at the hands of his family, those from his dad - a white South African apartheid era male - are the worst. To him I am not an individual, I am other. Whenever he talks about black people or indians, or black colleagues, he makes eye contact with me. Needless to say he thinks I am the fucking spokesperson for every Indian person in South Africa. 

And while the microaggressions from him are regular and particularly bad, it is not much better from the rest of the family. While the mum is less problematic she is not unproblematic, and the sisters are so couched in their own privilege that it suffocates me. This is the thing, when you relate to them (the whole family) it is on their terms. You do what they want and expect you to do and you do it in their way. They speak upper-crust english, and because I speak my vernacular I become a fucking cute little joke to them, "Oh, Anne*, did you hear how she said that?". Ha. ha. ha. Big fucking deal. I am sorry I am not a colonist settler who stole land, preserved imperial culture and went to the most expensive private school owned to man. 

So, yeah, white families. And guess what, you tell your partner about it and they accuse you of hating their family? It has actively started causing me anxiety. I can't go there and not get a tummy ache or headache, and a sinking feeling (Queue get out) in my stomach. Worst part is - they don't know it. My partner thinks he is between a rock and a hard place, and to date has only had a discussion with them about how problematic they are on one occasion.  And in this process I am villainised. It becomes me against the family. Well it wouldn't be if they weren't such passively racist human beings. 

3- Friends. I'll keep it short. This post is becoming taxing. The microaggressions are terrible. One of the friends also did the thing all white people do by referring to me as curry! Racist pig. There was no backlash from my partner who then went on the defensive and like a week later forgot it happened. Well, I didn't forget. Then, there are the extremely racist and misogynist friends. He has a friend who had a road rage incident and drove past the woman, rolled down his window and flashed a wad of cash in her face. Then bragged to me and my partner about it, and proceeded to say that he 

was sure that she wanted to fuck him. My partner sees this as a once off isolated incident, and his family says boys will be boys. My partner also thinks he is between a rock and a hard place. 

Don't they understand that these are our fucking lives - oh wait, they don't!

2 - Society. South Africa, and particularly Cape Town is the most racially segregated racist place in the country. It is worse because white liberals who live here go to church and think they are doing their duty unto society. They live in big houses on the foot of the mountain and donate blankets and money to charity but have never paid retribution and will not give back the land. They see no link between the exploitation of black bodies under apartheid and their economic success. And because they are colonist-settlers, they think they belong here and also behave as Gods. They don't make eye contact with you if you are not white, and do not acknowledge your humanity. When they do it is in a patronising way. They don't see black people as people, forget as their inferiors. They are entitled trash. Period. Now think about having kids, black kids, and this is what they aspire to. Nope. 3 - The lack of a reprieve. So, I go to work. It is extremely white, I go to therapy, she is white, I go home my partner is white. My family is scattered. I am alone in this city. My black friends have moved on from this mini-apartheid state to places that will feed their souls. My white friends mostly have the liberalism affliction, and I am isolated. There are very few public spaces that have black bodies in them, and it becomes suffocating. Loving a white person, then, is not about loving that individual. It is about being able to live with the toll that that love takes on your psyche and the price you pay for it. But I've basically decided that I am no longer willing to pay this price for our love. I demand respect from his parents, I will not associate with his friends, and he has to graft for it. I mean I could keep writing about this, the anger, the erasure, but I'll stop here. I love my partner. I really do. When it is just the two of us hanging, I see his soul and I truly feel that he sees mine, and I don't wanna end what we've been building. I dig it. I dig him. I dig our life. But add to the equation the expectation of settling down (I don't want to) and where (Cape Town? City of spatial apartheid?), monogamy (contentious one)  and kids (I am strictly adopting when I decide I am ready - too many abandoned lil puudin' faces ouchea), it quickly becomes a lot. Look, I don't have the answers. Being in a relationship with a non-white male could easily have just as many challenges, there is always patriarchy and religion. In any case, we're investing in something here and I will try to make it work, but the bottom line is this guy is going to have to put in some serious work. I guess if I could speak frankly to him I would say: I know you've never had to work for anything in your life. I know you are hyper-intelligent, so why don't you put some of that intellect to work and research concepts such as wokeness, allyship, feminism, intersectionality?  Oh it bores you? Well listen up... this is the lifeline of our relationship, and it is ALL up to you at this stage. You think that what I have displayed up to now is rage? You have no idea of the leaps and bounds by which it will expand if you don't do something about it. Gone, are the tears and the fear. This is a fight for survival, and you are either going to step up to the challenge or not.