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adamworu · 4 years ago

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The Subtle Horror of Evangelion

What keeps us all hooked to Eva time and time again? You get through your initial, confused watch of either Evangelion endgame, probably sometime in your adolescence wondering what the hell it is you just watched. The original source material is suffused with unsettling imagery, and sometimes too-close-for-comfort shorts. It’s so much to process that one watch is never enough. The imagery isn’t enough, however, because the mid-to-late-90s series comes with things you’ll pick up the more you focus on certain characters’ struggles or the interesting world-building. They arise little by little with every re-watch, adding onto what interested you in Eva to begin with.

There’s always that little voice asking you “What it is that really draws me here?”

Oh. The horrors.

The tragedy of it all.

These things never leave you the second you bear witness to them, whether you become aware of them or not. You’re disturbed over it, a tad worried, no doubt, but you’re strangely hooked.

Horror works better on limitation, it’s why found footage capturing pale, ghastly, monstrosities of the deep wood will always stand as exponentially terrifying. While most all of us have taken cracks at Eva’s budget at some point, that’s what really drives these terrors home. Its low budget nature made it work.

Evangelion has commentary which forces a viewer to reflect. Most no one enjoys that. It’s the fear, however, that has its audience come back. Evangelion’s reflection alone isn’t what gives Eva it’s charm decades after its run. It’s the little things, most everyone misses, the anxieties, the terrors, all of it. Most of those things, fly over a lot of fans’ heads.

Buckle up, there’s a lot to go through…. (warning for mentions of abuse, body horror, means of suicide, nudity, blood, and gore)

Table of Contents

I. Icebergs for Dummies

Tier 1: The Tip of the Iceberg

II. The Hedgehog’s Dilemma

III. The AT-Field as a Universal Metaphor

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

V. Shinji is the Audience Surrogate

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

Tier 2: Just Below the Tip

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

VIII. Naoko + Casper

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

Tier 3: The Body of The Iceberg

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Scene

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

XIII. Kaworu + Adam’s True Power

Tier 4: Pre-Abyss

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

XVI. Unit 01+ MPE Gorging Scenes

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arka

Tier 5: The Abyss

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

XIX. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

XX. The Ultimate Paradox

XXI. Conclusion

I. Icebergs for Dummies

For those unaware, the iceberg image illustrates that things are much deeper than they appear, just like an actual iceberg. You’ve probably seen this selfsame iceberg--- separated by tiers--- a few times looking through late night internet rabbit holes (Putting it out in the open: I’m personally guilty of this!), fictional or non. It helps you understand why you’re so enticed to certain material, that you’d revisit them. The highest parts of the iceberg are the things in the material most everyone knows, the surface level stuff. The lower you go, however, the lesser known the parts of the material are. These are the things the person are aware of.

Eva has some iceberg illustrations if you look around, albeit they don’t go through the more saddening, sometimes graphic factors of Eva, only theories navigating through Eva’s universe. Evangelion is so deceptively packed with blink-and-you’ll-miss-it subtleties that if an iceberg were centered on that, the diagram would be packed. And I’m being generous as I write this.

A few ground rules, before we begin: The iceberg will deal with the more obscure and dark material as the tiers get higher rather than it only being relegated to obscure bits. The lower the tier, the higher the iceberg and the more subtler the anxieties which graduate into horrors the deeper you go.

Yes, Evangelion is occasionally horrifying. No, Evangelion is not lovecraftian. I think people use the term lovecraftian way too freely. It’s not enough to see something with (sometimes too many) limbs twisted in ungodly angles. Or legs where legs shouldn’t be. The same applies for creatures assuming forms we don’t entirely comprehend. Eva has never delved into the angels being incomprehensibly terrifying specifically because they come from a cosmic expanse.

Some of these actual horrors, big and small, hit you after adolescence, something that makes you feel deeply for the characters’ dilemmas. It’s a feeling that grows and sometimes aches, rather than fades over time for many of us.

Tier 1: The Tip of the Iceberg

II. Hedgehog’s Dilemma

III. The AT Field as a Universal Metaphor

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

V. Shinji As the Audience Surrogate

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

II. Hedgehog’s Dilemma

Evangelion has its hand in so many psychological and philosophical cookie jars, from Freud, to Maslow, Johari, as well as Dostoevsky. The very tip of the Subtle Horrors of Evangelion Iceberg is something viewers are introduced to in the fourth episode of the series. It is one of the many psychological concepts dotted throughout the original show. Out of all those psychological concepts, this is the most explicit and most recurring.

The Hedgehog’s Dilemma describes the conundrum of two hedgehogs. The closer two hedgehogs become to one another, the more they harm each other with their spines. If you want to properly live, you need the closeness and intimacy of others. By allowing yourself to be close, however, you end up at great risk of being hurt. It’s the very reason what drives those who live to become guarded. Being perpetually apprehensive or building up walls isn’t a remedy for pains, however. The Hedgehog’s Dilemma isn’t just about why people become guarded after relationships ended on bad notes. It’s about the overall inevitability of pain.

Life is a continual push-pull of relationships, because we’re all creatures of comfort. We guard ourselves to varying degrees and sometimes even tell ourselves we won’t get close again, but personal comfort is one of our most ultimate drives.

The Hedgehog’s Dilemma not only describes that harm happens to us anyway, but illustrates that because comfort is universal we seek companionship regardless.

III. The AT-Field as a Universal Metaphor

The AT-Field is the most crucial rabbit hole in understanding the largest meta-narrative of Evangelion.

If Hedgehog’s Dilemma explains the what and the why people become more or less guarded, then AT-Fields explain the how. People build up walls around themselves all the time. You walk away from someone because they crack a smile at you... and it seems off.

Because you feel an anxious pang.

That’s an AT Field.

AT-Fields, or Absolute Terror Fields bear a few metaphors, one of which being boundaries. You see it as Shinji’s fear of becoming intimate, knowing the future implications or Asuka’s masculine protest (putting up a front). We can see an excellent example of the AT Field used by Asuka, her “Wall of Jericho” in episode 9.

You also see it manifested through the angels, the strange creatures in Eva who supposedly desire to merge with Adam, their mother. Seeing this in the angels makes you realize that the AT Field is actually a metaphor for boundaries which implicates us all. In episode 22, Arael, 15th angel, seeks to understand Asuka. The angel uses its AT-Field (a beam of light) no, its boundary, to breach Asuka’s boundaries.

AT-Fields can be used to not only build up personal walls but to breach them as well. The irony of Arael’s action is that Arael’s AT-Field being erected while it floats just over Earth’s gravitational field makes it immensely similar to the Second Child; they’re both guarded.

The AT-Field is a funny sort of thing because it also sometimes explains how two people who are so alike can be guarded from one another. Sometimes you gain contempt for someone because they’re too much like your least favorable traits. You see this with Shinji and Asuka, both children without their mother desiring validation. Shinji calls Asuka a child midway into episode 9 and Asuka isn’t shy on voicing ideas of Shinji as dense or immature. They’re throwing stones in glass houses.

AT Fields are used to get the user out of dangers both physical and perceived. Sachiel, 3rd angel in the original series’ pilot episode, uses its AT-Field, in the form of flotation, to get itself from enemy fire. It never shows this until it is attacked first.

AT Fields are also responsible for one’s identity and physicality in Eva. Without the AT Field you don’t really exist. When Rei assumes the form of the person the character being cast into Instrumentality loved most in End of Evangelion, she’s causing the character to give up their AT Field. With that gone, they lose their physicality, turning into LCL (given the lovely term ‘tanged’ by fans). The ‘tanged’ individual suffers metaphorical death. Evangelion argues that in order for one to exist, others must perceive you and you must perceive you, a point best illustrated in episode 16. Since everyone is converted to LCL, no one really ‘exists.’ Rei describes this unnerving state as the inability of differentiating who you are and others, since everyone lacks a physical state without AT-Fields. Metaphorical death can be argued as worse than physical, since we all exist to make an impression of some sort. It’s what ties all the Eva cast together and the cause of their dilemmas. Validation. You can be living, yet very much forgotten or simply unknown.

There is living and there is “living.”

You can’t “die” unless someone knows you. You were never there. AT Fields are the thing that make us live, but as a drawback, prevents us from understanding each other fully. Kaworu states in episode 24 that AT Fields are the wall of the mind and the heart of the soul, an unapproachable piece of sanctuary. When all else is taken from us, all we have left is our place of respite.

I’d also like to pitch the saddening reality that the AT-Fields are what prevent us from understanding angels as a whole, our genetic siblings as scared of this world as we are. The psychological angels want to understand us, that much is true. The angels, however, use forms of communication at the expense of our boundaries. Because people greatly value boundaries it makes it hard for us to comprehend angels. The creatures are hardly malicious when you realize they wonder why we all do things that actually hurt us, as well as the fact that they do understand our minds. But, because they breach our boundaries, we become even more wary of the (mostly) unknown. Angels may be us, but the strange forms they take are something we aren’t familiar with. The feeling is mutual with angels, wondering why there are many of us, our forms and outward appearances so identical. It’s a truth as old as time that we all fear the unknown.

The anxiety of an AT Field means comprehending that there’s very little chance to 100% get others. Because we’re all wary in some degree, because we’re set in an idea or perception of someone, even if the someone in the past no longer applies. It’s not healthy for you to continue dwelling on relationships not meant to be, keeping yourself up at night asking why, because both of you have closed off each other for good. There’s always that chance the other can come back and if they do seek to understand despite past hardships, that’s good. If they don’t, all you can do is move on and accept it.

IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism

Kensuke is one of Shinji’s classmates, a supporting player in the series. He’s close with Toji Suzuhara, a boy who takes his anger on Shinji, after finding out that his sister has been injured during Shinji’s fight with 3rd angel Sachiel. As Suzuhara beats him down, Kensuke downplays the incident. Kensuke’s and Toji’s relationship is particularly interesting because the latter is affected to some degree by war (the war by humanity to prevent our destruction by angels). Kensuke glorifies the sentient, implicitly eldritch, multi-armored war-machines.

Kensuke can be best described as the ‘wow, cool robots’ drawing you’ve probably seen floating around. This is in relation to Gundam’s war commentary, but replace Gundam with Eva. Kensuke is enamored with the Evangelions and totally, willfully ignorant to the war horrors. Adolescents are forced to be the salvation of humanity, feeling every bit of damage to their own bodies whenever the Evangelion takes any hurt. Even after the war for humanity is long over, the pilots will be afflicted with traumas that will always hang over them.

Kensuke’s glorification is also what draws him to be Shinji’s friend. He uses Shinji’s status as a way of becoming a pilot himself by meeting up with Misato, putting himself at the cockpit of a strange creature magnificent machine.

When Toji becomes hospitalized after his battle in a hijacked Unit-03 vs. A Dummy System-controlled Unit-01, Kensuke expresses discontent at not being a pilot. He’s annoyed because “everyone” but him is a pilot.

Thing is, Kensuke isn’t heartless, just ignorant. Idealism is one of the uglier things that runs thick in the heart of Evangelion. His is one of many cases of unhealthy idealism in Eva, another example of making it difficult for those living to understand one another.

V. Shinji as the Audience Surrogate

Shinji as the audience surrogate isn’t always touched up on, but is sort of understood subconsciously by a lot of the viewers. Shinji’s character is specific, yet so generalized that him being a surrogate for the audience just… works. Don’t believe me? Shinji gets two psychological exploration-based episodes whereas Asuka and Rei each have one. Episodes 16 and 24 are both psychological angel episodes, albeit the latter is more in-series subversive. The 24th episode doesn’t involve a breach of subconscious boundary, but the pilot (Shinji) is in the hot-seat, being made aware of their issues. Leliel, 12th angel, contacts Shinji in the former of these. Both characters talk to one another, shown as a series of horizontal lines and vertical lines, sometimes intersecting. These lines are a strong reference to the Johari Window, a tool in psychology which helps someone become more aware of themselves. The Window’s quadrants are as follows

1. the part known to the self

2. the part known to others

3. the part known to the self and others

4. the part known to no one

Leliel also states that the self only exists of one perceives themselves as well as others. The angel also states that Shinji could better his reality, to which Shinji absolves himself of responsibility by arguing the horrible state of his reality. It’s a subtle pushing to Shinji and by extension the viewer into free will. Kaworu builds up on these concepts with Eva’s in-universe concept for boundaries. Free Will versus Determinism is brought up here, with the idea that AT-Fields are brought up because the living (again, not people – emotional complexities aren’t only human) will them into existence. By exercising free will, it means enduring pain, one of Shinji’s, and again the audience’s greatest fears. Any relationship has pains and conflicts. This is all a buildup of free will, determinism, self-awareness, and the Hedgehog’s Dilemma. Understanding all of these means swallowing the “pain is inevitable” pill. The problem with much of us is that we like the idea of relationships rather than being in one. We want to feel validated but without the conflict, even if the conflict can be solved. We’re all Shinji because we’re all aware to life’s hellish catch-22s, so we run. There’s times in our lives where we run as far as possible from these woes, these truths, but there’s pain in running too. It’s why escapism seems like such a viable action for some of us.

Pain is inevitable, but pain can be mitigated.

More damning evidence to Shinji being a viewer stand-in lies in either endgame of Evangelion (pun intended). In EoE, after the Komm Susser Tod sequence of everyone on Earth being tanged, we’re treated to a shot of EoE’s live audience.

We hear Shinji’s voice about his reality while he talks to Rei toward EoE’s end. There are shots of the city, of people going about their daily lives cementing that this is about us. End of Evangelion shows us a less favorable side of Shinji, a departure from the lauded end series “Congratulations” scene, in which he does understand free will rather than perpetually dwell on negatives. Shinji reacts unfavorably toward Asuka in EoE after his mother’s speech to the audience that ‘anywhere can be paradise’ and Shinji stating he doesn’t know where his happiness resides. Shinji (We) still has a ways to go if he wants to be a better person.

It’s probably why many of us are either inclined to champion Shinji or harangue him, and either reaction is fair. Many of us are aware of audience surrogates, but never to this extent. Shinji isn’t his best person, but he can be. Being his best means self-reflection. Droves of people who first were exposed to Evangelion were teens, and again many of Shinji’s woes are specific yet so generalized, hence our feelings of defense and possibly disgust.

No one likes scathing, yet accurate call-outs on their person, but they’re paramount for us to understand ourselves and others.

VI. Abuse in Evangelion

One of the worst things recurring in all of original Evangelion is a bevvy of abuses.

Abuse comes in many shapes and forms and it’s many characters’ realities. Abuse happens not because the universe ‘wills it’ (determinism aka, ‘that’s just how people are’). Abuse, be it conscious emotional absence, actual neglect, among other ungodly acts fly though the cast.

Abuse is cyclical and a lot of those doing it often get away with murder because they have power.

Much of Eva is comprised of children being forced to sort through adults’ emotional baggage. Those children become adults and the cycle continues.

We all know a Gendo. Or even perhaps a Misato. Hell, even a Ritsuko.

Anno states that Gendo’s character is of a societal meta-text, which explains many viewers’ ire in relation to the character. He’s responsible for many of the seedy goings-on in Evangelion be it the financial (see: Jet Alone’s orchestrated out-of-control nature to give NERV more funding) or abuses (see: Rei, Shinji, Ritsuko, and, Naoko). It’s for this reason why Gendo’s actions are a sore spot for a lot of fans.

Anno: I’m not sure that it’s a real father [that Gendo represents]. Well, not a father in the sense of a parent with a blood relation to his child, but more, I think, [in the sense of being] a representative of society or the system. That’s why he has that expression.

Takekuma: So, he’s kind of amorphous.

Anno: The angels are the same. I made them appear amorphous in that way because, for me, society is unclear, the enemy is unclear.

Takekuma: Gendo is [a representation of] the boundries or the pressure of society itself.

Anno: That might be it. Perhaps Gendo is [a representation of] society itself.

http://wiki.evageeks.org/Statements_by_Evangelion_Staff

After many re-watches of certain Eva episodes, it just hit me, as I’m writing this why I’m sometimes apprehensive on an adult-exclusive lens of the show. This happens a lot in adolescence and our struggles are made trivial because of the mishandled baggage. As children, you’re meant to be subservient to parental whims. You have this sort of obligation to solve their problems. Give them closure. It doesn’t even need to be parental baggage, but just from adults in general. You see the way the adults act not just with the children but with each other. You see the way Gendo justifies neglecting Shinji, objectifying Naoko and Ritsuko or Naoko’s emotional absences as a mother to her daughter (also manifested through the MAGI). It’s these immature excuses as to why they can’t extend empathy to those around them.

It’s always excuses.

Eva’s original series has always been a show about children.

Tier 2: Just Below the Tip

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

VIII. Naoko + Casper

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene

The Elevator Scene is a sequence that sometimes gets glossed over due to Evangelion’s fleeting budget. It took me years to realize the true gravity of the awkward silence of both the 22nd episode and its Director’s Cut version. The Director’s Cut version has Asuka abruptly jerking in the silence, but that blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment speaks volumes. Understanding the scene means understanding why Asuka quietly stews in her anger. Understanding why Asuka stews means understanding Asuka from her debut to her emotional breakdown.

Asuka’s appearance in the 8th episode, Asuka Strikes!, is marked by a bold persona that carries on until the end. She isn’t shy on imparting her prowess to Shinji, stating that Units 00 as well as 01 were the prototype and the test type, respectively. Her Evangelion, Unit-02 is the finished product. She even states that she graduated from university. Despite these impressive feats so early in adolescence, the only time in which they’re noted is when Asuka talks of them. Misato takes in both Shinji and Asuka, but only ever “dotes” on Shinji. Gendo pays attention to Shinji because he pilots Unit-01, and 01 contains the soul of his late wife. Rei is the clone of Gendo’s late wife, hence Gendo’s attention and overall creepy, selfish obsession with her. Asuka and Shinji’s relationship, with Misato as their caretaker strongly mimics a Golden Child and the Second Fiddle. The only difference is, Shinji gains more attention due to Gendo’s and Misato’s respective baggage. Again, Eva is a series where children are forced to handle the baggage (with no break in the cycle) and when the child doesn’t have anything the adult particularly can clue in on, they become neglected.

That’s Asuka’s dilemma.

It’s why Asuka forces herself to grow up.

It’s why Asuka is driven to be competitive to Shinji and Rei, later growing contemptible at both.

Asuka suffers a few curses, one of which being the youngest, the inevitability of being consciously sidelined dawns on her, leading to her selfsame breakdown toward series’ end. She aligns youth with trivialization, so naturally, she’d front with the opposite. She never gets help in relation to her period. Misato and Ritsuko realize something is up with Asuka but they never really offer her the support.

There’s also the flashback to her trauma in episode 22’s beginning. She’s replaced by her mother post-Contact Experiment (which led to a deterioration of her mental health) via a doll that looks like her, red hair in pigtails. It’s the leading factor to her feigned boldness, her ego. The way in which she is marginalized in the series brings it all back.

Rei breaks the silence with a few words of compassion and all Asuka can do is express disbelief. She mistakes compassion for contempt.

For pity.

The idea that anyone would extend kindness, especially now of all times, is unbelievable.

Asuka also experiences a dilemma here, a dilemma those like her face. She already knows what it means to be vulnerable and deeply hurt, but she needs to make herself vulnerable because now, more than ever, she needs the support. Being vulnerable will cause past traumas to flood back in full force, but by stewing she deprives herself of any support. Rei offers that support, but a few words of support in a wave of trivialization can’t help but feel a bit too strange.

Asuka’s greatest anxiety is realized in the twenty second episode. It’s of being and staying second fiddle, that she’s always been set up to fail. Even 2 episodes after the fact, in which she actually starves herself does she realize once more how she’s permanently ‘below’ others.

Asuka’s curse finds itself in real life, and it’s for that reason why I believe some find themselves resonating with her. Asuka’s gradual descent into bitterness is something I find myself waking up some nights thinking about after 7 years going through Eva; hers is a cautionary tale on being emotionally distant to cries of a damaged youth. Casually imparted knowledge of past achievements, and the competitive attitude mixed with embitterment, some of which from a genuine place but also a product of neglect. We were forced to play second fiddle, we forced ourselves to grow up to feel more legitimate, forced to carry an ire that stews because it seems no one listens.

VIII. Naoko+Casper

The late Naoko Akagi is a woman of multitudes. Those multitudes are compartmentalized into the 3 MAGI. They are Balthasar, Melchior, and Casper.

Casper shows itself to be the most prominent aspect of Naoko’s personality, her as a woman. Ritsuko states that, after the defeat of Iruel, 11th angel, that Casper is the part of her mother which remained that way to the end.

Balthasar and Melchior have been bested, be it by rival MAGI, or Iruel’s assault. This calls back to the fact that Naoko’s other facets aren’t anywhere near as prominent. Naoko has cited her own emotional negligence, of only showing emotions should it ever benefit her.

Casper on 3 occasions fights tooth and nail, Iruel’s assault, an attack by multiple MAGI in End of Evangelion or the defiance of Ritsuko activating the self-destruct sequence. Ritsuko does this to seek vengeance against Gendo for coming to the immense realization that he never genuinely cared for her. Gendo has always used Ritsuko for her body. This would destroy NERV, meaning killing herself and Gendo.

Then you realize why Casper overrides the sequence.

Casper’s stubborn behavior wasn’t actually to defend NERV but to protect Gendo. Casper’s defiance aka Naoko’s emotional absence toward her daughter allowed Gendo to kill a bewildered, rightfully angered Ritsuko.

The saddest part of Casper’s, no, Naoko’s choice is that Naoko got away with murder. Evangelion is a story about children dealing with the selfishness of adults and the adults never receiving justice for their wrongdoings. The relationship between Ritsuko and Naoko is an excellent example that this doesn’t just implicate the young pilots. Ritsuko dies in End of Evangelion with the truth that her mother, as a woman, in the end chose the man who manipulated both of them.

IX. The Other End of Existential Horror

Some spend their whole lives trying to make a mark. Others can’t help but be known.

People get smart sometimes to get themselves out of a current situation. Kaworu and Rei’s existences are such that they’re deadlocked from living. Their existences are the product of an experiment, to be later heavily watched and raised as the Last Messenger. The latter is the result of Gendo’s obsession with his late wife.

Kaworu and Rei’s existential crises are opposite from the rest of the cast; while others do their damndest to become known, they cannot be unknown. Rei’s character centering more around her identity than other characters is also initially and sneakily alluded in the opening.

The Johari Window is a tool encouraging self-awareness in the person, alluded to twice in the show, with the second time being in the sixteenth episode. Both usages of that illustration, for Rei, and Shinji drive home crucial aspects of the meta-text.

This would also tie Rei to Shinji in End of Evangelion forcing Shinji to reflect on his own awareness and will. Rei is an astute, young girl whose arc is about her personal relationship with identity, something she is all too familiar with due to her objectified nature. Rei’s arc is even more so entrenched in identity than other characters that she is one of the characters imparting personal and universal realities.

Ayanami Rei’s existence from start to finish is inundated with the issues of others, causing her to internalize being always expendable. In Rei’s Poem in episode 14, it becomes clear that she sees herself based on usage. She likens herself to a field of flowers, which slyly alludes to the Dummy System’s “parts” 9 episodes later, other Reis.

Rei is seen as malleable vessel which houses thoughts rather than her own person and she can’t do anything about it. So she resigns to her reality. Even if she does tell off Gendo in End of Evangelion for his objectifying, she’s not even out of the woods. She never will be.

I used to think Rei’s “slap” to the face to the man with the (most) baggage was empowering. Then I learned about abuse during adolescence, how kids who lack a support system act while away from their abusers. Even saying an emphatic “fuck you” to your abusers isn’t enough to be a happy ending. Rei is a girl who lacks a support system and she suffers from it. Start to finish.

Kaworu’s crises are much trickier to pinpoint because there’s so little to work with. He doesn’t get an episode dealing with personal, subconscious explorations. Getting his character means first getting how Evangelion re-contextualizes what “Ode to Joy” symbolizes. It also means understanding the AT-Field and most people won’t pick that up on an initial foray. Or maybe even a second. Most people don’t pick up that the AT Field implicates anything living and physical or its metaphor for boundaries and identity. There’s the common misconception that Evangelion is a “human” show.

Kaworu marks off his appearance humming “Ode to Joy” while Shinji wonders who to turn to. It’s a song generally known for its jovial nature, but most importantly, Ode to Joy is:

known also as the “Choral” Symphony. Its finale is a musical setting of Friedrich von Schiller ’s “Ode to Joy,” a hymn to the unity and freedom of humanity.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/ninth-symphony

The Choral Symphony assumes a more horrific context later on. Kaworu is the last messenger and what his action is would lead to the mass annihilation to lilin/human or angels. ‘Unity of man’ is changed in Eva’s context – it marks either unity of man or the death of man. It doesn’t matter who Kaworu allows unity to, because his hands would be stained with death anyway. Then you realize why Kaworu deploys his most powerful AT Field during his descent to Heaven’s Door.

This is his reality.

Kaworu’s status as the Angel of Free Will isn’t about him being the only complex angel, as a lot of people think. It’s about being the sole individual handing that freedom to others.

You realize his terrifying dilemma goes to the tune of being feared for his own existence as an angel (which he notes to Shinji) and not being able to properly live.

Sometimes you ”hurt” people by existing.

Sometimes people hate you for the simple act of existing.

Kaworu’s and Rei’s terror is the other end of existential horror, that you can’t help but forced to be known. Sometimes you have knowledge but aren’t allowed to do much with it.

Tier 3: The Body of The Iceberg

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Scene

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

XIII. Kaworu + Adam’s True Power

X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’

Episode 18 is where anxieties graduate into horrors both implied and visceral. Unease hangs over the episode, with the mystery of Unit-04’s disappearance and tests being done on Unit-03. Misato tells Shinji that because tests would be done, there’d be a pilot there. Misato uneasily withholds this info from Shinji and Kensuke breaks the silence with his recurring desire of being a pilot, still ignorant of the war horrors. There’s a subtlety that Shinji picks up on with Toji but not enough to put two and two together: that the big-eater himself isn’t feeling so hot.

The continual chirp of cicadas and birds nor the peel of the school bell are enough to break the unease of the viewer or of Toji. Toji goes from indirectly being affected by war vs angels to being chosen, drafted even, a child at the first line of defense for the apocalypse. We get a flashback of him beating down Shinji, before it cuts back to present day Toji. He will be in Shinji’s shoes.

Toji balls a fist, a recurring theme in Eva, to the tune of “What is your hand for?” Toji is finally about to take things into his own hands.

Asuka takes a few cracks at Shinji to Hikari that he hasn’t quite gotten the memo, but when Shinji asks her even she’s halted in words.

Then the day comes.

Tests are being done and suddenly Unit-03 goes rogue with Toji in her (note the Evangelions have the souls of the pilots’ mothers, save for Rei). Unit-03’s’s strange behavior is revealed to be the work of the 13th angel, Bardiel. Shinji’s ignorance is made worse by Misato’s absence (with Misato telling Ritsuko she’d tell Shinji the pilot’s info after the tests). Units 00 through 02 are sent out for the new threat and Shinji sees this new threat. Anxiety rises.

The song “Marking Time Waiting for Death” accentuates the anxiety. Unit-03’s silhouette eerily contrasts with the sun, her body slightly hunched and approaching slowly.

Fear washes over Shinji when he deduces that with an Evangelion inside, there must be a pilot.

Yet he still doesn’t know.

The other pilots are aware, and show reluctance to the revelation. A hijacked Unit-03 sets herself on Asuka, Rei, and even strangling Shinji. Shinji allows the angel-hijacked-being to strangle him, because killing another human being is simply horrific.

Eva has its hand in the war morals cookie jar here because Shinji stands at a conundrum, to other let this creature take his life or to murder flesh and blood. This dilemma goes double-time in war. Gendo asks why Shinji hasn’t dealt with the 13th yet, with a somewhat horrified Shinji pleading about the pilot. Gendo commands for the unfinished Dummy System to override Shinji’s controls and then suddenly...silence….

The Dummy Controlled Unit-01 springs back and we’re treated to a close-up of Unit-03/Bardi3l being strangled.

A nauseating crunch sounds and the unit goes limp. A controlled Unit-01 proceeds to raise hell on the incapacitated enemy, resulting in the unit’s blood and guts flowing through the streets. NERV’s personnel can’t do anything save for become fearful at the Dummy System’s capabilities. Terrible, visceral noises sound one by one as blows strike, as the unit’s severed limbs and blood splatters riddle the urban battlefield. Shinji hears every second, every squelch and splat.

Imagine the pain of 03’s pilot.

But the terrors don’t cease here.

01 doesn’t stop at just raising hell on the incapacitated 03, and we’re treated to another close-up shot of 01 tightly holding onto 03’s entry plug, before crushing it.

Somewhere away, Misato receives news that Unit-03 has been dispatched as an angel. Shinji feels the weight of having actually killed someone, before Misato actually breaks the news that the pilot is not only alive but that the greatly injured pilot is his classmate.

It never really hit me until now how this scene holds another horrifying subtlety. Compare this to episode 3, where Toji’s first interaction with Shinji involved him punching him, the very scene playing at this episode’s beginning. The 18th episode ends now with ,Toji and Shinji are both joined in the same camp, of children emotionally and physically marred by war, not able to fully control their situations.

XI. Unit-01 Berserk Sequence

Shinji stands in a situation where he can no longer take the terrors aligned with the Evangelion. He’s gone from sustaining injuries great and small from combat with the eldritch angels, to indirectly harming a friend through it. He resigns from his position as a pilot, understandably running away even with the approach of the 14th angel.

After a talk with Kaji about how he can control his future and he only, Shinji once again puts himself at the forefront of further pains. He must once more thrust himself to the terrors that align with the war-machines whilst struggling with other traumas.

During his fight against Zeruel, his Evangelion dies out and it all floods back to him. Shinji once again finds himself at a position of no power, frantically pressing at his controls to no avail.

He can only hear blow after blow of the 14th’s onslaught. He and Unit-01 are at their most vulnerable.

Until Unit-01 springs back.

W hat follows is the famous Berserk sequence, a scene whose terror can be thanks to Evangelion’s low budget.

We see the Evangelion in all her terror and the sort of off-ness that carries in this scene.

Episode 19 has no problems on treating us to front-row tickets to terror.

Unit-01 snatches part of Zeruel’s appendage and adds it to her mass. A sickening squelch sounds and her new appendage contorts into place in an instant.

She moves over to her incapacitated, angelic meal and doesn’t hesitate to chow down. The shots feel too personal yet nowhere near in the sense of the show’s meta-textual reflections. It’s almost like stumbling on a cryptid and when she shoots a look at the viewer, it feels as if she’s looking at us, like we’ve interrupted her dinner. Or perhaps she did finish the meal... and she’s in the mood for seconds? Perhaps even thirds?

The bizarre and eldritch nature of the Evangelions goes full force with this imagery. Episodes 2 and 16 laid the foundation of how off the Evangelion Unit-01 was with how she openly mutilates her targets. Or even the unsettling roar of Unit-01 that’s not entirely bestial. The sound is straddles a line between the blood-curdling bestial and the human. But here? Eva Unit-01’s position, from her hunched figure, to her more feral position as she feasts, feels far too organic...and far too human.

The Evas themselves aren’t human, but the souls housed within are. Eva’s souls are souls of the respective pilots’ mothers, an example of the mother and child symbolism omnipresent in Neon Genesis Evangelion.

Shinji’s mother is Yui and as we go through the series, we realize the s2 engine appliance was intentional. An s2 engine offers infinite stores of energy and this is needed for Instrumentality. With the s2 engine within her grasp and the fact that Evas don’t subsist on anything, this would make the consumption of 14th completely recreational.

It’s super tempting to frame this scene as containing some abomination that now stands unchained and indiscriminate in its targets, but it isn’t. It’s sort of understandable because Units 00 and 02 don’t come close to exhibiting this sort of behavior nor were they in this circumstance. Neither Unit-00 nor 02 have any desires in regard to Instrumentality. In the end, we should look to Yui and her own endgame, because Yui’s running the show here.

XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS

Ritsuko states the Dummy Plugs are machines which imitate pilot’s thinking. There’s a bit more than the possibility of this being 100% AI due to the apparatus Rei is in.

This very likely implies the respective person’s thought processes added with AI programmed in a way which best “describes” the pilot (basically how they are perceived). In episode 17, Rei is situated in this apparatus strongly resembling the central nervous system, the brain and the spinal cord.

{The central nervous system CNS is responsible for integrating sensory information and responding accordingly. It consists of two main components:

1. The spinal cord serves as a conduit for signals between the brain and the rest of the body. It also controls simple musculoskeletal reflexes without input from the brain.

2. The brain is responsible for integrating most sensory information and coordinating body function, both consciously and unconsciously. Complex functions such as thinking and feeling as well as regulation of homeostasis are attributable to different parts of the brain.

https://mcb.berkeley.edu/courses/mcb135e/central.html

Ritsuko imparts the unsettling revelation about Rei and by extension the Dummy Plant itself (after Misato coerced her into learning about Rei). The Reis are the core of the Dummy Plugs (and the System used to brutalize a hijacked Unit-03 and its trapped pilot). This scene adds more to the extent of Rei’s objectification, of her being replaced. It adds on to Rei III’s comment of being ‘the third.’

Rei isn’t savage by any means but the sheer brutality of Dummy System’d Unit-01 5 episodes prior may hint at her straightforward nature.

I’d like to pitch that Ritsuko’s approach to Rei’s Dummy Data was also the product of her subtle animosity toward Rei. When she refers to the Dummy Plug as a machine which mimics human thinking, she’s talking about Rei. She also refers to her similarly in episode 23 by referring to Rei as spare parts, as if Rei herself is some soulless machine whose parts can be switched out if need be. This could also call back to Rei’s poem, in which she calls herself a vessel which holds human thoughts.

Another question remains: how does Kaworu play into this?

The MPEs (the Mass Production Evangelion series) use Kaworu’s Dummy data, meaning that there are cloned Kaworus stored off somewhere, perhaps floating with soulless smiles the same as Rei has.

Treated as spare parts.

This also implies that Kaworu is more or less reduced to an object.

What’s more disturbing is the nature of the MPEs gratuitous method of ravaging and mutilating Unit-02 and by extension Asuka.

Kaworu hasn’t ever demonstrated any degree of malice, so this can’t really insinuate a ‘Kaworu is secretly evil’ narrative. But this can tie back to a recurring theme of humans fearing and despising angels. It’s because of this that the revelation of our genetically identical nature or the fact that they can comprehend our psychology is framed in-show as kind of shocking. It is because we’re so disturbed at the angels’ existence (or anything else we don’t comprehend) that we view them as inherently savage in nature. Kaworu’s quick-to-perceive personality most likely translated itself along with the AI. This would also rule in the somewhat strategic way in which the MPEs act against Asuka, exploiting her attack patterns through surprise attacks.

Some of Kaworu’s as well as Rei’s Dummy Data are the product of universal (Kaworu) and personal (Rei) contempt by people. Let that sink in.

XIII. Kaworu’s + Adam’s True Power

The bottom of the fridge horror portion of this iceberg is something that has subtly plagued me for years. We’ve only ever caught glimpses of Kaworu’s abilities in his debut episode. I picked up on it little by little with each re-watch of the episode, with every other time his abilities dawning on me. If I wasn’t focusing on how his character fits in the greater framework of Evangelion, I was cluing in on his abilities.

One of his abilities is being able to block out light, magnetism, and subatomic particles. Some of the forces which make up the universe. This witnessed by the viewer when he realizes the whole of humanity’s welfare hangs by a thread, due to the coexistence of angels and Adam.

Adam.

Adam’s soul lies within Kaworu. Adam. Who utilized an Anti-AT Field which caused Second Impact. An Anti-AT Field, which killed off much of the Katsuragi Crew in Antarctica.

This makes Kaworu the most powerful angel in the original Evangelion series.

Eva has shown that ownership of an angel’s soul (or partially, if you’re onboard the Rei I is in Unit-00 theory) allows the person to inherit the angel’s abilities through Rei. Rei blocks off Kaworu’s immensely powerful field with one of her own, canceling out both as a result. As we know, AT Fields for people are a figurative affair. People lack the physiology to exhibit a physical AT Field because they don’t have cores like angels do. Angels’ souls when possessed by humans have a sort of ability to circumvent parts of human physiology (if you’re looking for the whole package, you should eat angel’s flesh too). Rei also shows the ability to float, implied in episode 24 and shown explicitly in End of Evangelion.

But this raises a few questions about the last messenger is the ability to block out some of the forces of the universe Adam’s powers or Kaworu’s? Another ability that continues to plague me the more I think about it is Kaworu’s AT-Field usage on Heaven’s Door to bypass its lock.

We haven’t actually seen Adam’s other powers (if the angel has any) because the it’s anti-AT Field was halted via Lance of Longinus. Other than its ethereal appearance in flashbacks, we only see an incapacitated Adam in embryonic form. That’s it. We don’t know if Adam exhibits any other powers due to this impediment. If Adam does have more powers, this would add onto both the fridge horror factor of Adam and Kaworu.

Tier 4: Pre-Abyss

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

XVI. Unit 01+ MPE Gorging Scenes

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arka

XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens

There’s something that implicates the whole cast. Something that goes beyond the meaning of the AT-Field, and the all-too-known Hedgehog’s Dilemma.

Eva is filled to the very brim with psychological concepts, but there’s one thing which ties this all together. It goes much larger than the desire to become validated or cycles of abuse and unresolved issues to a newer generation.

Free Will Vs. Determinism ties the entire cast together and is disturbing in its own right. It not only ties the cast together but also contributes to Eva’s meta-narrative.

Episode 16’s sequence with Leliel, Shinji, and the Johari Window gives little breadcrumbs to this psychological dilemma. Leliel teaches Shinji about his own identity as well as slowly ushering him to a sense of self-awareness. Leliel also attempts to usher Shinji out of filtering reality with only convenient parts. Shinji argues that he can’t really be held culpable for his actions, because the one and only reality is that reality is awful, bar none. Not his reality, but reality as a whole. This deterministic stance becomes ever more blatant 8 episodes later with the appearance of Nagisa Kaworu.

Kaworu’s designation is the angel of free will. The irony of this stands in the fact that Kaworu isn’t the only angel who can exhibit free will (with some of the angels before him taking the time to try comprehending people). Kaworu’s status comes from his identity as the last messenger, bringing about freedom for one species (humans/lilin or angels) at the expense of the other. Kaworu knows his reality well and in the end, seeks to better the reality of those around him. Eva doesn’t romanticize the prospect of free will, however, because Kaworu is so aware of his own person and how he can hurt those around him that it greatly bothers him.

The metatext doesn’t just position Shinji as being in the wrong, but also the audience. Remember the point I made before about Shinji being the audience substitute? It’s further hammered home from the series’ tail end and into End of Evangelion.

“That’s just the way things are.” is a common response to things in life we feel resigned on changing, because we don’t know how to change them. This quote is a parallel to Shinji’s “humans aren’t made to float!” in episode 16.

Shinji does know how to change much of his reality, but by doing so he’d be pushed into free will. Free Will is the solution and it means holding yourself accountable rather than believe that it’s everyone else with the problem. With the idea that you can change your reality, it offers you the opportunity to love yourself.

If you love yourself, then it becomes much easier to love others.

Eva’s free will and determinism metatext hammers home the extension of empathy.

Shinji/the viewer’s greatest problem is that because we don’t love ourselves it makes it difficult to extend the love to everyone else. Shinji’s love translates as idealism. Because of his unhealthy idealism, he is hindered from understanding people.

By ascribing your beliefs from determinism to free will, it opens your mind to an entire world of possibilities, but therein lies the terror. It is because of these possibilities that Shinji and by extension, the viewer, likely fears free will. Shinji finds ways make himself validated, but with free will, the argument could be made that it doesn’t matter. There’s the anxiety-crippling likelihood that none of it actually matters, because your existence doesn’t matter. If we’re going on this bent, acts of making an adequate impression on others are acts of personal denial. In the end, these are what they are, possibilities.

The greatest terror of it all is that we don’t know.

User power-chords makes an excellent point about the inherent darkness of an internal locus of control.

User power-chords posits the idea of existential absurdity for Shinji not as a certainty but a possibility. There’s always a likelihood that our desires to comprehend the world around us, to find ultimate understanding are in vain.

Cheesy as it sounds, people fear ambiguity because we seek a satisfying end. We don’t just seek answers. We want outside closure and inner peace, but we won’t always get it. It’s why we rationalize relationships that end on bad notes. Sometimes you worry about your falling-outs...and it hurts. You never got the answers your wanted so this pain carries, for months, sometimes even for years. Dwelling on the issue serves no purpose other than to keep that hurt with you. The best thing to do sometimes is to find your own closure, your own meaning.

No, Evangelion isn’t actually pro-nihilism, but it presents us with that likelihood. That’s what makes this aspect of the narrative so terrifying: The consideration that we find meaning in the meaningless.

XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates

The nature of injuries and having them in adds onto the innate horror --be it war or otherwise-- and themes of the Evangelion. The severity of the injury is based on how high the pilot’s sync ratio is. An average rate while sustaining damage will bring hurt to the actual pilot in the respective spot. Some examples:

Sachiel makes multiple headblows to Unit-01 and Shinji in episode 2, causing head trauma.

Ramiel’s, (5th angel), particle beam attack in episode 6, an attack so severe that Shinji needed medical care.

Unit-00 and Rei being infected by a Bardiel hijacked Unit-03 in episode 18. Toji’s condition in episode 18 stands as a large example of the innately disturbing nature of sustained injuries.

Toji’s condition becomes all the more nauseating when you see Evangelion parts and blood flow through Tokyo-3.

Toji could feel every last second of strangulation, body blow, and feel the unspeakable pain of his arm being severed. Let that sink in.

Asuka receives the worst of these considering the nature of her sync rate being high. The higher the rate the more kept the damage is. The circumstances behind Asuka getting the worst of it goes back to the AT-Field. Asuka understood the meaning of the AT-Field, that the more you open yourself up to others, the more hurt you become. The realization dawns on Asuka as her mother from within the Evangelion shields her from the onslaught of JSSDF troops.

It’s then that Asuka finally comprehends what the Absolute Terror Field is. Despite her emotional needs being neglected, realizing she’s set up to fail, and going comatose she still goes on.

Asuka, despite everything, takes a chance and opens her heart knowing the double-edged nature of the AT Field. What happens next?

Asuka took a chance.

She opened her heart...

...and she got hurt all because she opened herself.

XVI. Unit 01+MPE Gorging Sequences

The brutality of both Unit-01 and the Mass Production Evas holds three layers: of visual horror, implied horror, and thematic horror. Unit-01, after taking Zeruel’s s2 engine into herself, proceeds to then brutalize the 14th angel by way of still gorging on it. The feeding was entirely recreational considering Evangelions don’t subsist on food to function. This was more about the sheer act of brutality for brutality’ sake.

The Mass Production Evas also fall under this category, the way in which they deal with Asuka after incapacitating her with a replicated Lance of Longinus is also sadistic and gratuitous. They also proceed to gorge on Asuka, her fate made worse through the simple fact that her sync rate is heightened.

The MPEs don’t even swiftly finish her off. She is in a state of tremendous and unimaginable pain. They fly above her slowly, circling above her mangled Eva.

They are almost mocking her as she can do nothing, save for writhe. Asuka’s seething, repeated “I’ll kill you...I’ll kill you….” is then silenced by the MPEs spearing her down.

The brutality doesn’t end there, as we see much darker implications of the damage sustained toward the end of the first half of End of Evangelion.

Shinji bears witness to the implications after seeing the decimated remains of Unit-02 being carried off by some of the Mass Production Units. The sickening reality of it all dawns on him and he is once more exposed to the woes of war and the nightmarish aspect tied of the Evangelions.

XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arqa

We’re ending the pre-abyssal end of the iceberg with Evangelion’s original proposal.

Eva’s proposal, a far cry to the show today, had a more sci-fi angle to it. Psychological concepts weren’t exactly pitched nor was it self-aware. The angels weren’t even referred to as the angels, but as the Apostolos. Instead of the 18 we were presented with in the original show and the movies, there were 28 Apostolos.

The Apostolos designs stand as testament to how far of a departure the proposal was to the final cut. They look far more menacing than the more amorphous, much softer defined, beady-eyed angels we’re used to. To top it all off, the Apostolos were the de facto villains of Evangelion’s prototype pitch. The Apostolos in the Proposal, toward the end, proceed their onslaught as a group rather than the series’ one by one. Toward the series’ end, the 12 strongest Apostolos begin their assault on North America, annihilating the continent in its entirety.

Only 12 of the creatures laid waste to a singular continent.

Episode 24: "Now, the Promised Time"

Rei breaks down. Her secrets are revealed. At last awakened, the twelve strongest Apostolos descend from the Moon. Both Eva Unit-06 and the American continent vanish completely. Humans acknowledge their helplessness in the face of the Apostolos' crushing power. The promised time, when people will return to nothing, approaches. A human drama in the depths of despair.

Episode 25: "Arqa, the Promised Land"

The laboratory holds the ancient ruins of Arqa, which have become key. In order to stop the twelve Apostolos, the United Nations' head members annul the Human Instrumentality Project and resolve to destroy the Apostolos. Shinji's father objects. Shinji and the others stay at the laboratory for Rei. A drama of people conflicting over incongruous objectives.

https://wiki.evageeks.org/Resources:Neon_Genesis_Evangelion_Proposal_(Translation)

The aforesaid creatures were so powerful in the original pitch that Human Instrumentality and the ancient ruins of Arqa would be the way of stopping the onslaught.

Tier 5: The Abyss

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

XIX. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

XX. The Ultimate Paradox

XVIII. Split Second Misato Death

As the last and most explicit aspect of original Evangelion, it would only make sense that EoE specific content would take its place in Tier 5. End of Evangelion is a 90 + minute tour de force with disturbing imagery back-to-back. Split Second Misato Death refers to one of the most unsettling images sprinkled all throughout the movie. Here are a few of the many examples of EoE’s building up on Evangelion’s ugliest parts.

Everyone cites the infamous hospital scene not even 5 minutes into the film as the first proof, but user power-chords has pointed out, Shinji has actually attempted suicide (refer to the ‘Free Will v. Determinism’ part of the iceberg.)

After Misato is mortally wounded and sends Shinji off in an elevator not long after, the JSSDF blow up that part of NERV. A few people have pointed out the most disturbing facet of this scene: through freeze-framing that you can actually see Misato’s body during.

The JSSDF scene partway through End of Evangelion in which NERV personnel are summarily annihilated.

For those missing the small detail of Shinji’s attempted suicide ,Shinji’s depressed state is made more clear when the JSSDF locate him. When they do they attempt to kill him execution style. Shinji doesn’t move.

“I don’t want to die…!” during the JSSDF’s assault, Asuka is awoken from comatose state. She is protected by her mother via an AT-Field by Unit-02. She gains back her self-preservation after this realization, and multitude of images play. One of them is an extremely gruesome close-up of Asuka’s face. (extreme body horror warning, proceed with caution)

The Komm Susser Tod scene beginning with Shinji strangling Asuka in harsh coloring, Naoko’s same action toward Rei plays right after. A few disturbing child drawings follow after, predominantly featuring death. (seizure warning, body horror warning)

End of Evangelion’s flooring nature comes from the fact that it builds up on the subtly horrific and makes these terrors explicit. Whatever existed beyond closed doors becomes now available for us to see,

XVIII. Humans Are The Villains in Eva

At the penultimate point of the abyss lies a horror as old as much of time. Of the humane being more disgusting than the monsters.

That we can be monstrous.

This fact becomes known with the appearance of the JSSDF as dispatched by SEELE, methodically mowing down NERV personnel with little to no weaponry of their own. We’re treated to NERV’s personnel in their hallways, some forced with the moral dilemma of leaving their own to die while surviving or helping their own while both end up being gunned down.

It becomes apparent that SEELE has been gradually, intentionally chipping away at NERV’s Defense Budget, getting rid of the (little) competition they have after the defeat of the Last Messenger.

There’s a degree of contempt and casual sadism that comes with how they kill the personnel. In one instance, a NERV worker surrenders to the JSSDF, before being killed off in execution style in the distance (one headshot plus two extra shots for good measure).

When you look back at it, this sort of sheer, unabashed brutality wasn’t felt about the angels. Human attitude about the angels is largely fearing, anxious. This attitude accentuated itself through a sometimes nervous soundscape. Of observing these weird, ghastly creatures as they creep and swim. And the feeling’s mutual. The problem is that we don’t know.

But here? We do know.

When the JSSDF move in, the anxiety of angels graduates to the full-force dread of creatures that have killed before. The greatest enemy to humanity has always been with them all along, forcing them to a catch-22. The dread falls on Maya because she understands this perfectly. NERV has only ever shot at targets rather than living flesh…

...and SEELE knows this.

SEELE’s slow, but sure suppression of NERV’s budget is kicking a man while he’s down, but the man in question is a child instead. The JSSDF have more than enough firepower, calling it overkill goes beyond an understatement.

The JSSDF demonstrate the lack of remorse further with the discovery of Third Child, Shinji Ikari. One of the members presses the barrel to Shinji’s head before Misato steps in and kills the members.

The JSSDF isn’t the only damning evidence of how ugly members of humanity can be, however.

Humanity’s on-occasion grossness shows itself in small ways throughout the series, in dislike and conscious emotional distance for individuals, or beliefs of the angels being unintelligent and/or savage. Other times it manifests fiscally, in orchestrating more ethical approaches to stopping certain destruction to go seemingly haywire in order for NERV to receive more funding. This all due to a rival company of NERV challenging the very idea for its usage of child soldiers.

The worst of this damning fact is that many of the morally repugnant members exist on a higher echelon of society. There are Gendos running around, doing as they so please and they’re the tip of their echelon iceberg.

XIX. The Ultimate Paradox of Evangelion

“Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live.”

We’re treated to these words as Shinji finds himself on shores surrounded by an isolate hellscape, with Asuka next to him. The strange and altogether horrific nature of End of Evangelion has gotten fans believing on End of Evangelion’s endgame was in certain, nihilistic. But Eva dipping its hand in the likelihood of meaning in the existentially meaningless isn’t even the ultimate terror of Eva’s self-aware universe, nor is it the tendency for man to become contemptible towards itself.

Evangelion greatest terror is the paradoxical nature of free will.

Yui’s words to her son as she drifts off into the ever-expanding cosmos, her status as a deity realized, is that paradise is universal. EoE assumes this unconventionally positive approach to a whole series worth of characters’ woes. The issue is: finding paradise is ultimately conditional.

Free Will’s paradoxical nature is what gives credence to the ongoing Free Will vs. Determinism dilemma. People can use their free will to take away yours entirely and this is most evident with Rei. Her existence is the result of a man’s unhealthy attachment to his wife, her lack of self-preservation the result of being conditioned as a multi-purpose vessel; her desire to merge with Lilith to become an omnipresent mother-figure was not hers. The nature of disallowing free will exists on a spectrum, as people can use their free will not to take away the whole of others’ freedoms, but to disallow them proper emotional growth. The adults around Asuka weren’t around for her during the series, leading to her eventual downfall.

Unit-01, throughout much of the second part of EoE holds the power to give or deny people’s physicality due to her status of having both Fruits of Life (the s2 engine held by angels) and Wisdom (from the Lance of Longinus merged with the Eva earlier on). This gives Unit-01 her deity status and while within Lilith-Rei, Shinji realizes that not everyone would be there in his life, that he can’t be in the center of others’ lives. It’s for that reason why he denies people’s physicality (“They can all just die.”), which turns people into LCL.

Shinji gives allows people the ability to come back from Instrumentality after realization arises that without other people, there’s no way to tell if Shinji, himself exists or not. Kaworu and Rei also give him the reality that with people back, pain will become an inevitability once more. With all the souls gathered by Lilith-Rei, they are released after her death.

With the souls of those cast into Instrumentality dispersed, those turned into LCL now hold the ability to come back from Instrumentality if they so choose.

While the idea of anywhere being paradise rings true, it’s not entirely satisfying to say that EoE is unconventional in its uplifting message to the viewer. Evangelion is at its core a cautionary tale. It warns the viewer into extensions of empathy and openness that others would properly live. This goes double for those with power. Without that compassion, we’ll have Asukas, Misatos, Ristukos, as well as Reis, those in the world whose downfalls come from emotional absences, neglect, objectification, and forced baggage. We would have Shinjis, those wanting to be at the nexus of others’ importance because they were deprived while young.

Kindness is a powerful thing and the lack of compassion present in all of Eva implicates most everyone. It leads to yet more abusive cycles, with the only thing breaking that cycle being a hand for those in need.

XX. Conclusion

What more can be said over this juggernaut which is a host to a bevvy of darkness? Evangelion is testament that anxieties and horror don’t need to start out as blatantly shocking or visceral to make an impact years down the line. They also don’t need to be out in the open to initially hook you either. You pick up on a few anxieties as well as horrors and you realize deep down, there must be more, which drives many of us to engage in this often times unabashedly dark source material.

Some of us are doing it later in the throes of adolescences, others are doing so well into their 20s, possibly dipping into their 30s. Point is, it draws in a lot of us and for a lot of us, it doesn’t ever let go.

Some of its charm could be chalked to the visceral ways in which characters interact. Even after years of re-watches, I’m still learning new things about the child soldiers, and I’m quite sure there’s others finding small details. There’s also the possibility of Eva’s approach to terror. I think Evangelion “humanized” its horror. It didn’t make horror a universally human feeling, but made it so that the true big bads looking to cause apocalypse weren’t actually the eldritch. Many of the angels are more or less lost kids looking for their mother (I still think Ramiel’s “singing” in episode 5 was it calling for its mother!).

With those newer details after 20+ years, there will be more added to the iceberg. Hell, there should be more added to the iceberg. This iceberg is the tip of an even greater iceberg. I’m still learning about their adults and their desires as well, how cyclical their actions are. For others, the draw-in factor lies in its low budget. Personally, it’s all of these for me: the low budget helped cement these darker aspects of the series due to horror and the genre’s overall relationship with limitation. It works best on limitation and had Eva worked with a much higher budget, I don’t think the content would be as effective, or perhaps it’d be much more difficult to make it so.

Evangelion is such a well-done, deceptively compact series that each lens a fan assumes has its own interesting rabbit hole. Your circumstance shapes the experience, and this too involves how you navigate the series’ menagerie of terrors.

I’d also like to thank the reader for getting through the largest rabbit hole in Evangelion. I’d also like to thank you for getting through the whole of this meta from a fan who slowly began to resonate with the characters as the years went on!

#neon genesis evangelion #shinji #kaworu #asuka #rei #seizure warning #body horror warning #suicide mention #correct me if im wrong #credit goes to twitter user decoratedboar for the iceberg picture help #and fixes

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lady-plantagenet · 4 years ago

Note

What are your top ten novels about the Wars of the Roses? And why?

I think it’s obvious by the length how enthusiastic I was to answer this ask xx thank you for asking me and giving me also an opportunity to make a masterlist of some sorts of all my reviews xx. But you know? I speak like quite the expert but in reality I’ve read very little histfic about TWOTR because I just newly got back into this hobby (about a year ago) and have little time in general so tbh the last three books on this list I do not personally care for but since I’ve read so little novels of this kind they are here nonetheless hhh (so please people, give me no angry asks asking me why I am endorsing PG, I’m not).

1. The Last of the Barons by Lord Edward Lytton-Bulwer

This is quite possibly the best book I’ve ever read in my life. The gap between these books and the rest is a chasm the size of the world and I wpuld genuinely reccomend this book as an actual piece of literature to anyone, not just TWOTR fanatics. It is written in 1840, in quite old timey lingo and it centres around Richard Neville 16th Earl of Warwick, but in the true tradition of a real classic it is more than just a character drama, it astutely showcases the purpose of Warwick and what he did in the context of his wider world and doesn’t just chalk it up to personal greed. There is also this fascinating subplot about courtship, science and such. Hell, you even get this eccentric ‘natural philosopher’ guy called Adam Warner who tries to make something like a steam engine and gets employed as an alchemist by Jacquetta and Edward IV.

From a historical standpoint it is quite biased as the author himself was a politician (and an actual baron) and tbh I don’t completely agree with his interpretation of history and I can see some of the Victorian inluences slip in, but some of his takes are very refreshing and he clearly consulted the primary sources. I am much interested in his philosophy and life outlook though and while I don’t think his Warwick is the Warwick, I think he (Lytton-Bulwer) understood him like no other novelist could. As for the writing style... here’s an excerpt of a good reads review that I agree with and tells you all you need to know:

“Of course, such a style of writing no longer exists. The language used is essentially foreign to us. But the nobility, the pride of this story work their ways into your bones, your heart. You will yearn for honor once you have left it.“

Basically, go type it into google and see what I mean. You don’t even need to purchase this book it’s all online at the first click on Gutenberg.

Nevertheless, I’ve posted excerpts of it here, here and here =)

2. The King’s Grey Mare by Rosemary Hawley Jarman

This book (unlike the latter) has zero actual historical value. Actually, it sort of does in the way that it hilights certain real events that most people are unaware of when it comes to its protagonist: Elizabeth Woodville, eg the whole Cooke tapestry affair and the whole Desmond affair. Both things which I still stand on the fence about (if you don’t know what I��m talking about send em another ask or pm me). But like, it isn’t political, philosophical or such in any way like the first book, yet you still feel like you are *there* in the 15th century - by the time I finished reading it my heart was wrung dry and I kind of fell into a down for a couple of days because I just wanted to feel the magic again. If anyone would ask me I would give this 5 stars because it perfectly achieved what it set out to do (I can’t expect all books to go above and beyond like #1), it made me feel for the characters who were super complex, was accurate historically and even when it wasn’t it made sense, it got very creative with its themes (which I like to see because I am not interested in reading the exact same story over and over again) and the prose was absolutely magical and brought all the depth to this novel. I’ve read classics with less flowing and poignant prose, yes actual classics!

This book also switches POVs quite a lot (basically it headhops because it’s written in omniscient- but whatever, rules are meant to be broken), so you’ll get to see many of your faves in there, Edward IV, Margaret of Anjou and Grace Plantagenet feature quite heavily. One thing that disappointed me is that it wasn’t really Edward IV/Elizabeth Woodville (at the time I bought it for that), she never really likes him and his love for her kind of wanes towards the end. If you’re not too bothered about that then I say go buy it.

3. The Daisy and the Bear by K L Clark

I put this here because we are already going into shakier territory when it comes to this list. This is kind of the last *really* good, truly five star one. It is a long spoof about TWOTR but god it’s smart! Yet, It does not take itself seriously and has Margaret of Anjou/Warwick the Kingmaker as a crackship and centrepiece and had me in stitches the whole time. I’ve written a long detailed review for it here.

4. Death be Pardoner to Me by Dorothy Davies

This is a novel about George Duke of Clarence. Quite possibly the only novel ever written about him in existence and boy is it a trip - the author claims to have channelled him (she’s a medium). I’ve written a detailed review for it here. I read this last spring and my views have unfortunately changed, the thing is, I’ve come to find out through my research that this was quite possibly a hoax as there are some indisputable inaccuracies (Ankarette Twynyho’s age, the details of Isabel’s death - we *know* she did not die from childbirth, Isabel did not reunite with him after Tewksbury 1471, but right before Christmas 1470). It’s also quite Richardian (the author admitted) and she could have *had* me had she not chose to divulge it in the foreword. Nevertheless, I still like this book because it did get to me at certain points and it’s good quality as a novel, I remember shedding a tear at one point even which is extremely rare for me but I think that says more about my sentiment for the subject matter than the book itself.

5. We Speak no Treason by Rosemary Hawley Jarman (not yet finished, so ranking may vary)

I haven’t finished it yet, so I’ll leave it here for now. This book is a Richardian book about Richard III, but I can’t get enough of this author, I haven’t found anyone to replace her with. The prose is magnificent as usual and I must confess that I’m happy that this book is told through the POVs of three OCs and not Richard, he remains rather elusive and tbf I find the three OCs very interesting and at this point I’m more interested in their stories than anything else. Of course, Richard III is still a fairly prominent part of this novel (even when he doesn’t appear) and it has led to me getting annoyed quite a bit. Given who I am I fumed massively at that one aside that Clarence and Edward have bastards whereas Richard isn’t like that... like are you serious?? At one point the author reassociated the Games and Playes Chesse book to Richard when it was in reality dedicated to Clarence and I got even more annoyed. Leave the poor figure something ma’am? Whatever, as a book about three medieval commoners it’s fantastic and that’s what I pretend it is.

6. Wife to the Kingmaker by Sandra Wilson

Nothing more to add than what I wrote in my (super-long) detailed review on here. This is the case because I read it very recently. This is a novel about Anne Beauchamp 16th Countess of Warwick, it’s ranked higher than Sunne because though it’s less accurate it’s got panache.

7. The Sunne in Splendour by Sharon K Penman

I feel very strongly about this Richard III book and what it represents. I wrote a long detailed review about it on here and a follow-up post on the discussion is here ft my awesome mutual @beardofkamenev ‘s insights also thrown into the mix. Xx

8. The White Queen by Philippa Gregory

This is a step higher than the other two because this book pretty much changed my life. The thing is, I read it translated into my own language by an extremely talented translator and I was also only about 11/12 years old so it was all very impressive to me then. This book about Elizabeth Woodville effectively introduced me to the TWOTR; an interest that has never really left me these past ten years (though at one point (ages 14-19) it was quite wane). It’s not a good book by any standard (I was quite shocked when picking it up at a bookstore, I had found that when read in the original language it lost all its magic), but I owe a lot to it and some people who now endlessly discourse about how bad PG is need to recognise their debt of gratitude and be a bit more respectful, I think. That is of course unless you came into this era via different media, but you got to admit that a massive part of us got to this place through TWQ, though we outgrew it.

10. The Red Queen and The Kingmaker’s Daughter by Philippa Gregory

Exact same commentary as above, just objectively not good books. Flat characterisation, misunderstanding of the era, historical innacuracies which don’t add anything, lack of nuance in prose which often dances too close to *gasp* YA prose *shudders*. But these are lower because I don’t owe them a debt of gratitude as I do TWQ. Funnily enough, they are still better than the series.

#look at rb for tags

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tweedlydumbtweedlydoo · 4 years ago

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History (JJ Maybank x reader) pt. 1

Summary: You and JJ have history together; you two were high school sweet hearts until your father decided to take a new job across the country. It is not until 8 years later you find yourself back at the island, what will happen between the two of you?

A/N: This is another short little mini series i’ve decided to start. I’ve actually had this first part in my drafts for maybe a month?? It will probably only be 3 parts but we shall see.

The Best of Me by Nicholas Sparks was the inspiration behind this new fic. I know a lot write about the younger pogues, but I decided to skip some years where they are all adults.

I hope you guys like it!! xx Please leave feedback/thoughts on this! :)

Tag list is at the end. Let me know if you want to be added xx

**MASTERLIST**

Requests: OPEN {CLOSED}

** Who I Write For **

********************************************************************************************NOT MY GIF, CREDIT TO OWNERS

You were high school sweethearts, but best friends since elementary school first. Inseparable even with the different lifestyle. JJ Maybank was from the poor side of the island, the cut, and you were on the rich side of the island, Figure 8. However, due to the location of your home, the two of you attended the same elementary school and that’s where you two met and became best friends. Then years later, the two of you found love with each other.

You father had signed a 10 year contract that brought his work to the Outer Banks. You were terrified of the new place, only 7 and small. You didn’t know anyone as your parents led you through the colorful hallway of the school and into your new classroom. Your hair was braided into two pig tails, a pink backpack on your back and a matching lunch box in your hand. Your new teacher introduced herself, then your parents left you in the room. As the class began to fill, a small boy took a seat next to you. The one who would soon become your best friend, your protector and later your lover.

Ten years later, the two of you would experience the most difficult decision. Your father had been offered another job and would be moving off the island and across the country. He holds you in his arms as you cry, trying not to cry himself. You’d come straight to his house after hearing the news from your father. “Don’t cry baby… it’s okay..” His arms tightened around you.

“it’s not okay! We’re moving across the country.” You pulled away to look at him, “What are we going to do? What’s going to happen to us?” Your eyes are red and puffy, tears streaming down your cheeks.

He pushes a piece of hair off your cheek and behind your ear, “I don’t know baby.”

“We can.. we can do the long distance, right?” You look up at him hopeful, “I mean we’ll talk all the time. We can skype and then I can come visit or you can come visit on the weekends.”

Both of you would be starting college soon, living separate lives. Would the two of you find time for each other? He wants you to succeed, to have fun in college. He wants you happy. He was probably never going to make anything of himself, but he knew you would. You deserved a man who could provide and give you anything you needed. Something he couldn’t give you.

“Maybe.. maybe we should just part ways.” He sadly whispers. He can see your eyes change from hopeful to sad in seconds. That was not what you expected him to say. You were hoping for a yeah of course baby. We’ll talk all the time. I’ll come visit or you can come to visit. You suddenly feel angry that he could even suggest that instead of fighting for the two of you. You pull away from him, standing up straight, “Fine.”

“I just.. y/n I want you to be happy. I want you to enjoy life and if it means I’m not a part of that then okay. It was only a suggestion.” He sighs.

You shake your head, “No I understand. This is goodbye then.”

“I don’t want to end on bad terms.” He reaches for you, but you pull away, “y/n. Come on.”

“Goodbye.” You whisper before turning around and walking out the door. That was the last time you ever spoke or even saw him again.

~ 8 years later ~

You never expected you would be standing on this ferry heading back to the place you wanted to forget. However, your parents had made their move back to the island after your father had retired a few months ago.

Your hands gripped the railing of the ferry as the dock came into view.

“You okay?”

You look up at your fiancé, Chris as he places a hand on your back.

You force a smile, nodding, “Yeah, just ready to get off the ferry is all.”

He kisses your head, “Me too. I’m in need of a nap.” He chuckles. There was a reason you were heading back to the island. In a week, you would be marrying your fiancé; the “love of your life.”

JJ Maybank points at the blueprints, showing his workers what’s going where. He’d made something of himself. He hadn’t attended college as planned. He ended up getting a job in construction and was now the owner of his own company. He had become one of the kooks. He’d come from the cut to figure 8, living a life he’d always wanted. However, he felt empty even with everything good in his life. He felt like something was missing. More like someone was missing.

“Did you hear who is back in town?” John B asked.

“We saw her in town this morning.” Pope adds, looking at JJ.

JJ takes a bite of his food. They’d arrived at the Wreck for dinner a little bit ago. It was still afloat even after all these years. Kie ended up taking over the business and opened a few more restaurants around the island. Her business was booming. She’d married a lovely woman a few years ago that helped her keep business afloat.

John B was working his own fishing boat and was making good money. He was dating the long time girlfriend, Sarah Cameron. He’d be proposing soon, just needed to find the right time.

Pope was the local coroner and married to a lovely woman he’d met in college. They were trying for a baby. Somehow everyone found their ways back to the island and instead of living life as pogues on the cut, they were living the kook life. Something neither of them ever imagined.

“Who?” JJ asks, wiping his mouth. He really had no clue, nor did he really care. It was probably one of John B’s girls from high school or some touron girl JJ had a fling with summers ago.

“Y/n.” Pope says, and it feels like JJ’s seat had been kicked out from under him. It had been 10 years since he’d seen you, since he’d let you go. He never once tried to get in touch with you. It was for your own good. He wanted the best for you and if it meant without him, he was willing to do it. It doesn’t mean he wasn’t heartbroken. He was devastated. He’d kept himself locked in John B’s spare bedroom for weeks before he finally made an appearance. Since then he’d worked himself almost to death to keep his mind occupied.

“I heard her parents moved back to the island a couple weeks ago. Her father retired.” John B adds.

JJ brushes it off like it was nothing, “Really? That’s great.”

John B and Pope exchange glances, “That’s all you have to say?” Pope asks.

JJ looks up at his friends, “What do you want me to say? I mean I broke her heart. I’ve moved on and I’m sure she has too.”

John B and Pope exchange another glance. They’d seen you had moved on, a nice-looking man on your arm.

“She’s moved on...” Pope says.

JJ acts like he’s not surprised, “Good for her. She deserves to be happy.”

“They’re getting married this week.” John B adds. “Sarah... is the one planning the wedding. Apparently, her parents are arranging everything and called Sarah’s company to plan it.”

JJ’s quiet as he takes another bite of his food. He wasn’t surprised about the fact you’d be getting married. It hurt in all honesty. The fact it wouldn’t be him standing next to you, saying I do, but he’d lost that chance years ago and it was all his fault.

“Congrats to her.” He mutters, sipping on his beer. He decides he doesn’t want to talk about you anymore and changes the subject, “Pope, how’s the lady doing at home?”

Your fiancé, Chris, holds your hand as he drives down the main road. You gaze out the window. Nothing much had changed. There were a few new stores, some of the old ones gone. You see the Wreck up ahead and smile to yourself. It was still there, even after all these years. It was your favorite place on the whole island.

Your breath hitches in your throat as you see that familiar blonde walk out of the front door. John B and Pope following behind. He throws his head back in laughter and you feel your heart is about to drop out of your chest. He still looked the same he did 8 years ago. You can’t help but let your head turn back to see him once more as Chris drives passed the restaurant.

When you arrive to your parent’s home, the place is a mess. There are people all around, carrying table and chairs, décor, and a white tent being put up in the back yard, facing the water.

You stepped out of your car and you notice a long blonde-haired woman standing in the midst of it all. That looked a lot like.. “Sarah Cameron?”

She faces you and she looks the same she did when you’d left. Of course, she did. Her eyes light up, “Y/n!” She hurries to you, clipboard in hand and pulls you into a hug.

“What are you doing here?” You ask, surprised to see her of all people. She pulls away to look at you, “Didn’t your mother tell you? She hired my company to plan your wedding.”

“Oh wow, no she didn’t mention a thing.. Well, how are you doing? Married with kids? Dating someone?” You laugh a little.

She smiles, “Me and John B are still going strong.”

“oh that’s wonderful.” You smile, “I knew you two would..”

She turns around to see someone carrying something off to the wrong place, “I’m sorry, excuse me.” She quickly rushes to them, giving them orders.

Who would have thought John B and Sarah would be the couple to make it? You’d always expected it to be you and JJ…

Obx taglist: @poguestyleskye , @alexa-playafricabytoto , @kaelyn-lobrutto24 , @prejudic3 , @turtlee-says-rawr , @outrbank , @k-k0129 , @annedub , @rockyyc77 , @ilovejjmaybank , @treestarrrrrrrr , @thedarkqueenofavalon , @write-from-the-heart , @eclecticpuppyhollywoodhumanoid , @lasnaro , @kiarasgold , @normatural , @kaylinfayezink , @lordsagittarius , @moose-squirrel-asstiel , @thelovelydreamer17 , @chasefreakinstokes , @fanficscuziranout , @diverrdown , @tregua-oca , @junkiemuppettxx , @afterglowsb-tch13 , @hardyxlove , @cinnamon-roll-seth

JJ Maybank // Rudy Pankow taglist: @thatweirdblonde , @saltwatercowb0y , @popcrone818 , @thee-sex , @coni-martina , @pm-my-hubbies , @timotaychalabae , @katiaw2 , @maybebanks , @sataninsatin , @obx-beach , @fangirlvoice , @lolitstiana , @teamnick , @danicarosaline , @losers-club6 , @bananasfromtarget , @jasminesuperstar123456789 , @fratboystark , @notmcchkn , @obx-beach

All my works tag list: @blossomreed , @mggstyles , @simonsbluee

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daisychvins · 4 years ago

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｡･ﾟﾟ･ — introduction.

introducing ... violet’s demise ! aka grayson aka her big brother she’s been wiring money to stay away in europe <33333

name: grayson swag money jeon age: 22 turning 23 (don’t ask me about his sign that’s for liza to figure out someday <3) gender: cis male; he/him hometown: baltimore, maryland sexuality: bisexual & biromantic

listen i was feeling rlly committed to completing his stats but i’m already over it so don’t ask dont tell xx anYWAYS let’s get on to the juicy stuff hehe

i tend to ramble a lot so this intro is gonna be probably a mixture of paragraphs and bullet points and everything in between but let’s start simple. also i rlly wanna emphasize a massive DRUGS TW bc his character largely revolves around his interest in and addiction to drugs

blackmails

grayson is claiming that he's been in a rehab program for the last year and is now completely sober and reformed when he really was just using the money to party and travel throughout europe.

without his parents paying to support him now, he's had to start dealing to make ends meet and keep up appearances. it’s mostly coke, but he dabbles in harder substances depending on what his connections can get him.

grayson dabbles with calligraphy and was notorious for forging excuse notes and parent signatures all throughout high school and even now sells forgeries for a quick buck. the most notable of these was xavi’s letter of recommendation that helped him get into yale.

background

grayson is violet’s older brother!!1 yes, that’s right, THE big brother who’s been out of the country getting LIT (and by lit i mean he’s been traveling europe on a series of solo trips w his parents’ money and doin lots of recreational drugs)

i haven’t fully fleshed out the dynamic he has w his parents but just know it’s ,, bad ASDHFJNK basically the jeons treated their children like accessories and expected them to be their little trophies and grayson just was not having that as a kid!!! so he acted out a lot and obviously got himself into a pretty bad scene (thank u goosie) and is basically the bane of his parents existence at this point <3 yet they still try to appease him to keep him under control but that’s for the family task to work out hehehehe

despite hating his parents, he adores both of his siblings. before the drug use started, he was always a big nurturer and would have done anything for either of them......now he wouldn’t be caught dead praising violet but he loves her in secret from afar HSJDFKG

yeah basically he met goose when he was around 15 i think????? and got introduced to drugs around 16 or 17 i wanna say and by the time he graduated high school he was just....a much different person than the soft big brother he used to be. his parents sent him off to europe pretty much as soon as he turned 18 under the guise of going to school internationally, but grayson obviously knew the truth and understood that he was being sent away so he wouldn’t be his parents problem anymore.

he basically spent the last four years galavanting europe and just....trying to enjoy it???? but it’s hard to enjoy an extended vacation when u have no family or friends on ur side anymore </3 he basically used the money to stay in hostels and worked odd jobs here and there to stay afloat and keep supplied w the...special goods....but yeah lots of drugs, alcohol, sex, and recklessness but he DID learn a couple languages??? or at least enough to get through some pretty basic conversations in most european countries so <3 guess it’s all okay then!!!!

anyways idk what else to put here that u won’t just find out in the family task so uhhhhhh idk lmk if u need anything else i guess

present/personality

so now grayson is just vibing at yale obviously ummm he actually got super into writing after high school, especially poetry. he used to carry journals full of just random prose about his addiction and his deepest thoughts, as well as probably some lighter stuff about his love escapades or maybe goose idk...basically he used poetry as an outlet and it allowed him to really ground himself and find his place in the world even if it didnt include who he thought it would SO with that being said, grayson got into yale due to a poetry competition he was a part of. he saw some big fancy competition being advertised and on a whim decided to submit some poem about his struggles with addiction and losing his family (a v raw piece that he didn’t expect to ever see the light of day) and he actually ended up winning! it caught yale’s attention and they invited him to apply and, knowing how much it would probably disturb his little sister, grayson very smugly applied and was pretty stoked to see he got in

because that poem gained such publicity, it was assumed that he was a survivor of addiction and was writing from a sober perspective. he didn’t want to correct anyone, so he just went with it and has basically crafted this story about his massive success and has become an advocate for addiction treatment and rehabilitation. of course, none of the companies that sponsor him or the events that host him as a motivational speaker know that he’s snorting lines in the bathroom beforehand or dealing to half the elites, but that’s between grayson, god, and the blackmailer !

basically grayson showed back up because of violet’s blackmail being exposed. he was off in europe, unable to defend himself, and with a massive vendetta against his family so he decided what better way to reenter society than by publicly outing himself as a martyr <3333 his plan is basically to bash the family name to fulfill whatever angsty coming of age arc he has in store for him to make up for the pain of being sent away .... really angsty yeah </3 rip grayson

anyways yeah he’s a total fake. he’s been using his status as a martyr to his advantage a lot, the best example being his recruitment into the elites. he guilted them into accepting him by discussing the PR benefits of recruiting a member that struggles with addiction and how supporting addiction treatment and second chances would be such a good look for them. like he basically threatened to publicly expose them for denying him due to his troubled past and accuse them of being exclusionary so they said boop ! ur in. now the elites are proud advocates for second chances <3333

i would describe grayson as fearless, overconfident, infamous due to his condition being exposed recently, a little gloomy, he’s kind of just got this chip on his shoulder and feels like he has something to prove....he’s gotta be better than his parents, gotta stick it to them and to violet and to everyone who doubts him. he’s a grumpy guy with a massive vendetta and a need for some kind of justice. he just doesn’t know what that is yet. despite all of the bad, however, he’s genuinely a pretty good guy. he’s really goofy and a genuine person, pretty friendly with literally everyone until they give him a reason not to be. basically, unless you are a member of the jeon family he probably likes you or is at least cordial to you (unless we plot differently ofc but u know). he’s just a big lovable dummy with some sweet drug connects and a knack for poetry. he also knows calligraphy but that’s beside the point .

idk if this is enough to describe him but yeah if u have any questions just let me know hehe

this is probably gonna make things hard but considering violet was just exposed i think that he’s pretty new to yale ???? like probably just transferred in/started this spring semester rather than being here for the entire year/a prolonged amount of time so most of our plots will likely have to be newer/center on him first showing up OR we can establish their connections from pre-europe which is also fine w me....idk i didnt rlly think this timeline through so let’s just plot and see what happens aghbfjnd anyways i included some connection ideas to help us all just in case

wanted connections

i’d say he’s the honorary dealer of the elites aghbdfjn so literally anyone who needs a plug could be a potential connection. we can obviously tweak this and customize it to each character <3

maybe someone who met grayson in europe. they could have travelled together for an extended period of time or even just a brief encounter. he was over there for four years, so the possibilities are endless.

building off the last one, this same connection could work with a romantic interest. maybe they were romantically involved for a time in europe and fell out of touch or maybe grayson/your muse just left in the middle of the night and they never saw each other again until now and maybe there’s some unresolved feelings/one-sided longing or need for closure. it could also be that they just hooked up whenever this person was in the area and that was that, no strings attached.

maybe someone who genuinely believes that grayson is actually sober and really admires his strength and idk maybe they’re struggling w their own issues and seek advice from him or maybe they just make it harder for him to actually do his thing bc they’re constantly around and it’s not like they can catch him strung out and acting up

someone in the literature department or with a background in english or writing. someone he could read poetry to, or share his favorite lines with. someone who’s taken the same professors and can tell him who to watch out for or what to expect. idk i just want him to have someone to share his passions with. maybe a little crush is forming? maybe they’re just friends who share a love of fiction? idk i’m open to literally anything

he’s sort of a motivational speaker now bc he advocates for rehabilitation resources and stuff so like maybe ur muse saw him give a presentation or participate in some kind of seminar and they called bullshit on him after the show bc they were like,,, bro i literally saw u partying w max and avery last weekend what the fuck are u on about and now they could potentially hold that blackmail over his head hehe......

exes plots are always fun we love angst in this house

fuck it let’s bring another family member BHJFNGKM no but grayson rlly is a nurturing guy and like....definitely develops unhealthy attachments to cope w his loss of family so he’d love all the sibling-like bonds he can get to kinda numb the pain of “””””losing””””” violet

if none of these interest you i’m literally so down for anything pls just let me know and i’m happy to brainstorm always <333333

thank u for reading this....smooch .

#anyways this is just under 1900 words whoops #stream of consciousness wins again #intro #literally dont even have my tags sorted yet dont talk to me .

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holidaywishes · 5 years ago

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Embers IV

Chapter IV: the company you keep

Summary of series: Katie moves from Peachtree, Georgia, to L.A. with her son, Alex to start fresh after the death of her husband. When she meets Evan Buckley, a young firefighter, she falls fast but will her son be so quick to accept Evan into his life?

Summary of chapter: The time has finally come for Katie and Alex to have dinner with Evan and his team at the firehouse. She’s nervous and he’s reluctant. Meanwhile, on the other side of the city, Evan is micromanaging Bobby’s cooking and telling everyone what they can and cannot say.

Warning: Fluff

Author’s Note: After last night’s episode had me on the edge of my seat, I thought it was time for a short chapter with some fluff. A few more chapters and I will have some very ‘angsty,’ dramatic chapters for everyone to indulge in. They’re pretty clear in my head so I hope it translates when I finally write it out. Anyway, until then, I hope you enjoy this chapter and keep reading the series! Cheers, xx! 😘

masterlist

the other masterlist

Evan’s P.O.V.

“Thank you for cooking, Bobby,” you said, standing in front of your captain in the kitchen, “but can you just like... keep a closer eye on it?”

“A closer eye on it?” Bobby said, raising his eyebrows at you, “Buck, relax. Everything is going to be fine. I know what I’m doing here okay?”

“Her kid’s only 8. I want to make sure he actually eats th--” You started but stopped when you realized what you sounded like, “sorry, Bobby. I’m just gonna.. go.” You said, pointing to another area of the room before heading there.

“He’s really stressing,” Eddie said to Bobby, laughing as he offered to help, “he must really like her huh?”

“Seems like it,” Bobby added, instructing Eddie to set the table, “I just hope this one is different. You know? He had a string of hook ups before Abby and then she left, then he met Ali and she couldn’t handle him at his worst.”

“She is different,” Eddie answered, “but she is also a mom. She’ll choose her son every time, so I just hope Buck’s ready for that...” He looked over at Christopher, knowing how well Buck took care of him during the Tsunami and afterwards but you were curious how he’d fair with a kid who he’d have to impress.

“I think he understands that but I understand the concern. That’s why he has us.” Bobby replied, bringing Eddie back to the conversation

“Okay listen up everyone!” You called everyone together, “there are some ground rules for tonight.” The group laughed, sitting around the table thinking that you was joking

“You’re serious?” Chimney said, noticing the scowl you gave the group

“Evan, relax. We’re not going to embarrass you” Maddie added but the firefighters in the room disagreed

“We have some stories she’d probably love to hear” Hen said.

“Yes, exactly. Don’t say any of that!” you remarked, “We’re not just trying to impress her, we’re also trying to impress her son...”

“We?” Athena said as she came up the stairs with Harry, May and Michael

“Yes, we. We’re a family and the impression you make reflects on the impression I make. Got it?” They hummed as you tried to make your case, going through a list of topics you wanted them to stay away from, but the group wasn’t paying too much attention to you.

“Buck,” Maddie said, walking over to you, “calm down. These guys love you and, from what you’ve told me about this girl, she’s not likely to run from a couple embarrassing stories.”

“I’m just nervous. I really like this girl and everyone here is my family. I want everyone to get along.”

“And they will. But you gotta let it happen naturally; let them talk about what they want to talk about. Okay?”

“Okay.” You agreed but took a deep breath, still nervous that this could be a huge disaster.

Katie’s P.O.V

“Okay, buddy,” You said to Alex as you prepared to head out, “you ready to go?” He nodded but suddenly ran to his room; coming out with the plastic T-Rex that Jesse got for him two Christmases ago.

“I wanna take him with me.” He said and you smiled, agreeing before saying that it was time to go, opening the door to head to the cab, “Nick?” You questioned in surprise as your teenage client stood outside the door with his large Bodyguard

“Hey,” he said, inviting himself in, “can I hang with you two for a bit tonight? Maybe even stay the night?”

“Uhh,” you hesitated, looking between Nick and his bodyguard, “actually...”

“I just don’t feel safe at home. There’s some psycho stalking me or something. I can feel it.”

“That’s what you’ve got Big Jeff for!” you tried

“Yeah.. but Big Jeff doesn’t speak”

“Come on Jeff. Big Guy. You’ll keep him company right?” He just looked at you, slight sympathy in his eyes but didn’t say a word, “look, Nick, I would love to hang out with you tonight--”

“GREAT!” he interrupted

“But,” you continued, “Alex and I already have plans and they can’t be cancelled. I’m sorry.”

“That’s cool. I’ll just come with!” he interjected and your mouth gaped, “Big Jeff too!” You felt Alex tug at the hem of her dress and knew you’d regret it if you didn’t let Nick tag along.

“Fine. Just let me make a call first.” You stepped away from the boys to call Evan quickly to let him know the change of plans

“Hey..” you greeted, somberly

“Hey!” he replied brightly, “you on your way?”

“Yes, but there’s been a slight change of plans.”

“Change of plans? What do you mean?”

“One of my clients is freaked out that someone is stalking him. So he’s gonna tag along tonight... Is that okay? He’ll take care of himself while we’re there. We don’t need to watch him or anything.”

“Oh”

“I know. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to tell him he couldn’t come. He’s a good kid, I promise, I think he’s just lonely.”

“No problem. I’ll let everyone know, I’m sure we’ll have enough food for everyone.”

“Thank you, Evan.” You ended the call and took a deep breath before directing the boys out of the house and into the cab that was waiting outside.

“This looks amazing, Captain Nash!” you exclaimed

“Thank you, Katie,” he smiled, “but please, call me Bobby.” You smiled back at him and guided Alex through the room while Evan introduced the two of them to the rest of the team. Alex kept his attention focused on his T-Rex, though, and you were worried what Evan’s friends might think of him.

“I’m sorry,” you tried, “he’s just nervous. Alex, sweetie, can you say Hello?”

“Hi” he whispered but ran to wear Christopher was sitting

“I’m sorry. He’s usually better than that...”

“It’s alright,” Athena said, “I understand. Trust me. Any time, I introduced Harry or May to someone new, they hide behind me.”

“And don’t think for a second that Evan wasn’t the same way when he was little” a long-haired brunette chimed in

“You must be Maddie!” you exclaimed, excited to finally meet Evan’s sister

“That’s me!” she smiled, shaking your outstretched hand, “your son is adorable. Buck says he’s 8?”

“He listened. Good to know,” you giggled, “yes. He’ll be nine in a few months. I can’t believe how fast time is going by.” Athena nodded and raised her eyebrows in agreement

“Ain’t that the truth.” Athena said and you laughed as everyone began heading to the table and found your seat next to Evan; Alex sitting beside you. The meal was great and the company was better, the conversation, however, wavered between great and awkward. You noticed Nick’s bodyguard get up and begin to pace around the space.

“So... what is Katie short for?” Chimney asked

“Hmm,” you hummed, swallowing the bite of food still in your mouth, “Katerina. Mom was a big Katarina Witt fan before I was born so she named me after her.” You smiled, placing your hand on Evan’s knee, “what does Chimney stand for? I tried to pry it out of Evan but he did not budge.”

“It’s a secret. I can’t tell you. With time, maybe. But I’ll have to trust you first.” The table laughed and you narrowed her eyes sarcastically at him, which he was all too quick to return

“Alex, buddy, how do you like LA?” Bobby asked

“It’s okay, I guess,” he said simply, “I miss the peaches though.” You laughed, grateful he was able to make some kind of joke, even if he didn’t realize it. Evan took your hand in his and you turned to smile at him, tilting your head to fully look at him for a minute

“You moved here last year?” Hen asked, bringing you away from Evan

“Mmm, no,” you began, swallowing the sip of wine that you’d just taken, “a couple months ago. We needed a fresh start after last year but there were a lot of things we had to get in order before we left. So we’ve been here for about 3 months.”

“Right,” Hen adjusted herself and you were unsure if she should continue her questioning, “because of your husband...” Evan squeezed your hand before huffing at Hen. Nick’s bodyguard, Jeff, suddenly started to move closer to the table as if he couldn’t hear the conversation from where he was standing and wanted to know more.

“Hen!” Evan scowled and Hen raised her hands in defense

“No no,” you smiled, “it’s okay. Yes. My husband was a Navy SEAL and he passed away last year while he was overseas. It was hard, unbelievably so--” you said, brushing your son’s hair to the side-- “which is why I decided to find a job here and move us out to live near my Mom. She moved away after my Dad died, so I guess running to L.A. is genetic.” The group laughed and you squeezed Evan’s hand to reassure him you were fine.

“So what do you do for work?” Athena asked

“Ahh, me!” Nick chimed in, making you practically choke on her wine, “I mean, that’s where I come in. She’s my saviour.”

“I’m Nick’s publicist. He showed up unannounced at my house last minute which is why he’s here.”

“What’s that like? Being a publicist?” May asked and you glanced at Athena, to see what kind of answer she should give

“It’s great!” you decided, “it’s a lot of uncertainty and, depending on the clients you get, it can be extremely taxing. I’ve been lucky enough to have easy clients with good heads on their shoulders, like this one, but some people are tasked with looking after Politicians and entire businesses. It’s a lot of fun though, I really enjoy my work.” You smiled, a gesture that May returned

“I’ve gone through five publicists,” Nick admitted, “but Katie’s the best. I think it’s ‘cause she’s a mom. She seems to know what’s good for me and what can keep me grounded.”

“I think it’s time we go” Jeff interrupted

“Nah, Big Jeff, we’re good. I’m enjoying the company.” Nick tried to convince him but when you looked down at Alex and Christopher, you decided to take Jeff’s side

“You know what, it looks like the boys are getting pretty tired. I should probably get Alex home anyway. But we’ve really enjoyed tonight and getting to know everyone.” You said sincerely, “I hope we can do it again sometime.”

“I’ll take you home” Evan sad as he stood up

“Su--” you attempted to agree only to be stopped by the bodyguard

“I’ll do that, Firefighter.”

“Excuse me?” Evan’s voice was harsh and his face contorted into anger

“I can take care of them. You just stay here.. with your trucks and your little toys.“ You were unsure of where this was coming from and it was clear that the group was uncomfortable

“You’re not saving the world, Big Jeff, you’re just his bodyguard. You don’t need to protect her.” Evan said through gritted teeth

“Okay then!” You interjected, “that’s enough testosterone for tonight. Evan can I talk to you downstairs please?” He agreed but his eyes never left Jeff’s until he followed you down the stairs. The group tried to subtly listen to the conversation but they rushed to the Bannister and were easily visible to you and Evan

“What the hell is going on?” Evan started

“I don’t know but it’s just a ride home. He’s gotta take Nick home anyway, so it’s not a big deal. Just relax.”

“But why is he antagonizing me?“

“I honestly don’t know. I didn’t think you did anything. Everything was fine. Just let me talk to him on the ride home, okay?” You pouted at him, intertwining your fingers with his, hoping you’d get your way

“Fine.“ He agreed just as Nick, Alex and Jeff walked past, Jeff glaring at Evan, and Alex waiting for you, “just be careful please? i don’t trust this guy. I’ve got a bad feeling about him.” You laughed, pushing yourself up onto your tiptoes to kiss Evan gently

“I will, I promise.” You replied, “I really do have to get Alex home though. I’ll see you tomorrow?“ He nodded before giving you one more kiss and turning his attention to Alex

“Hey,” he leaned down, “did you have fun tonight?”

“Yeah” Alex answered and Evan smiled

“Good. So you think we can do it again?”

“I don’t know. I guess. Maybe earlier? I’m tired.” He whined but Evan knew not to take it personally

“Sounds like a plan, big guy.” You gave Evan a hug goodbye, taking your sons small hand in yours as they began to walk out, stopping suddenly to ask Evan a question

“What do you think they thought of me?“ You gestured to the group above, knowing they’ve been spying the entire time, laughing softly when they backed away from the Bannister. “Everyone always loves Alex, so I’m not worried about them but it seemed like, before all of this, that they kind of adored me...”

“I don’t see why they wouldn’t.” He cooed and you smiled brightly at him

“Yeah, you’re right.” You said triumphantly before walking out of the firehouse, meeting Jeff at the door where he put a hand on your back and you could imagine Evan would be angry at the gesture so you tried to quickly diffuse it by turning around to wave goodbye. Making the whole night feel like a success, no matter how it may have ended.

#9-1-1 fic #9-1-1 imagine #9-1-1 series #9-1-1 on fox #daily 9-1-1 #911 #911 on fox #911 fic #911 imagine #masterlist #the other masterlist #evan buckley #buck #tag list #embers tag list

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peaky-shelby · 5 years ago

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Back to you [3]

“Old friends”

Previously: prologue, episode one

Series summary: an old friend of the Halstead brother’s is in danger and when she comes back things are bound to get crazy.

Episode Summary: Loralai is safe for now but how long will it last?

Words: 1.650

Warnings: angst & fluff (don’t get used to it)

Author’s note: ok so this is a set up to Will’s and Loralai’s relationship but there’s so much more coming and the danger is not over yet so stay tuned for the next chapter!! Plus, do you think there’s something going on between her and jay? We will see!! Please don’t forget to leave feedback because it’s what motivates me to keep writing. Thank you xx

The kitchen from loralai’s room was only a few steps away and yet Will felt like he had ran a marathon to get there. Before he managed to get in the room Connor stepped out, blocking his way. “She’s alive” he said before Will even had time to ask. He knew the situation was delicate and he dudn't wanna make it harder than it already was.

“There’s a but, isn’t there?” Asked Jay, standing behind Will who has afraid to ask that question himself.

Connor shook his head, calming Will’s heart. “Nothing too serious.” He explained with a very comforting smile. “She just lost a lot of blood and she might have trouble moving for a while because of the injuries so I would suggest she stays in the hospital for a couple of days.” Will nodded, agreeing with him and happy to hear she would stay here. At least he could make sure nothing would happen to her “other than that she should be fine.”

“Is she asleep now?” Wondered Will, looking behind Connor at her laying figure. She looked so peaceful despite the bruises, like this was the first time she had slept in weeks.

“Yes..she’ll be unconscious for the next couple of hours but you can go in if you want.”

Jay let out a sigh of relief like a huge weight had been taken off him and patted his brother on the shoulder. “Thank you Connor.” He said and as soon as Connor left the Halstead brothers emtered the room. Will stood on the right side of the bed and jay on the other. He was terrified of touching her, he thought that she would collapse in pieces if he did so he kept his hands on the side of the bed, away from her fragile skin. Jay hid his hands in his pockets while he examined the bruises on her neck, his eyes slowly moved away to her scratched hands, it looked like she had been in a fight. “I told you she would ok” he said to Will, trying to fill the silence with hopeful words.

Will shook his head and sat down on the chair next to the bed. He rubbed his neck and then his face with his hand “we have to find out who did this.” He said

“We will!” Promised Jay. He sounded so sure and confident but his brother knew him well and he could see under his brave act. Nonetheless he made no comment on it, he swiftly changed the subject on something lighter.

“Can you call her parents? I don’t have their phone numbers anymore. We have to let them know.”

“Yes! Of course!” Jay paused, taking a moment “Will I have to ask if you know anything about this—“

“Last time I talked to her was when we broke up.” He answered “it’s been many years Jay.”

Jay nodded “ok well I will go back to the station, see if they have anything. I’ll send a couple of cops just in case anyone shows up. You think you’ll be ok alone until then?”

“Sure but keep me updated.”

Jay gave his brother a half smile before exiting the room. On his way out he saw Maggie on her usual spot and he walked over to her, calling her name. She raised her head immediately from whatever she was doing and stood up. “Do me a favor and keep an eye on him while I’m gone.”

Maggie shot him a smile reaching for his hand behind the desk “who’s keep an eye on you?” She asked. Jay’s eyes fell but he quickly reminded himself that this was no time to show emotion or break apart. He had to focus on finding the person behind the shooting and that would keep his mind occupied so he’d be ok for now. He gave her the i-will-be-fine look and she let go, motioning for him to go on.

—

It had been three hours since she was brought in her room and she was still asleep. Will decided to go grab a cup of coffee while he waited, his brain was so tired he couldn’t think straight about anything. On the doctor’s lounge he met April who was eating her quick lunch. She was quick to ask the basics, how, why, if he’s ok and the answer was pretty much the same to all the questions except one.

“Who is she?” She Asked, while Will poured his coffee. There was a long pause, suddenly the answer was not so easy to give. There were many names he could give to their relationship— ex girlfriend, girlfriend, friend, best friend— but none seemed right at the time because she wasn’t his friend anymore and she certainly wasn’t his girlfriend. He could have gone with ex girlfriend but that didn’t sum it up rightly because she was more than that, it seemed like he would be undermining her with that term. He turned around, holding his cup and looked at April, biting his lip. His eyes spoke a thousand words but only two words came out his lips “old friend”

April’s gaze softened, giving Will the impression that she had actually broken the riddle of the two words, like she had used that term herself for someone that was important to her.

“I have to go back” he said quickly, before the converstation could get bigger and dismissing himself.

Coming out of the lounge he took a deep breath, giving himself some strength before going back to Loralai. When he made the turn to her room, he noticed a male figure standing next to her bed from the glass doors. he went in immediately fearing for the worst but all he heard when he entered was laughter— her laugh. He looked at her and she looked at him, for the first time today he felt like he could breath.

“Dr. Halstead, I was just about to call for you!” Said Dr. Rhodes. Will glanced at him quickly before looking back at Loralai. They were both silent, which was very odd because usually when they were together at least one of them was rambling. “She woke up a minute ago and she already wants to go home.” Joked Connor. Will scoffed, shaking his head, of course she wanted to go home already.

“Is that coffee?” She Asked, her voice reaching his ears like it was the first time he heard her speak. He was taken back to the first time they met on the cafeteria. He was there with his brother Jay, who she already knew and after Jay introduced them to each other, she asked for Will's cup of coffee, saying she really needed it. He found it crazy then, that a girl would ask a stranger for coffee but Later on Will realized that she was as addicted to coffee as she was to danger. Again he wasn’t surprised first thing she did after waking up was to ask to leave and to ask for coffee.

He left his cup on the table and while smiling for the first time today he walked over to her. He was so happy his heart was about to beat out of his chest. He reached for her arm and leaned in to kiss the top of her head. He had been so worried, seeing her like this, seeing her smile, was a breath of fresh air. “I was so worried” he said, whispering. Loralai looked deep in his caramel eyes, she placed her hand on his cheek, stroking it gently and smiled weakly.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered back. Her hand dropped from his face to his arm, giving him a light squeeze of comfort.

Will looked back at Connor “thank you” He said. Two simple words meant so much. Dr. Rhodes nodded to both of them, smiling. “Don’t mention it.” He replied “I’ll come back later to check up on you.” He added and left them alone.

They both gazed back at each other. It felt like yesterday when they were together, like the 4 years gone were only 4 seconds and nothing had changed. There was this sweet silence between them that fell like a calming summer evening breeze. A silence long needed after a terrible storm. Loralai stroked his arm up and down, trying to calm him and Will pushed her hair away from her cheeks, stroking her cheekbone with his thumb.

“I know this is a beautiful moment and all and I hate to ruin it because it’s really emotional” she started, already making Will chuckle “but I really want that coffee.”

Will laughed, nodding his head and She laughed with him. “I’m afraid you can’t have that” He said “the only thing you are allowed to have for now is water.”

“Why?!”

“What do you mean why?! You just woke up from surgery!”

“Ugh” she groaned, hitting her hands against the mattress and looking away from him “being shot sucks!”

Will scoffed “why? Because you can’t have coffee.”

“Yes” she answered, smiling, looking back at him “amongst other tiny reasons” she added, her voice trailing off. Will’s smile faded away, this wasn’t something he could fully joke about yet. He held her hand gently and started playing with her fingers.

“You really scared me today.” He said, looking down.

“I know. I’m sorry” she cleared her throat “I really scared myself too... if it wasn’t for jay—“

“Don’t.” He warned, looking back up. He didn’t even wanna think the consequences. “He is looking into it right now, he’ll be here later so you have to tell him everything.”

“I will, don’t worry.”

“That’s kinda hard Lori.. I haven’t seen you for almost 4 years and suddenly you come in the hospital shot and bruised.”

“Best kind of reunion.” She whispered “isn’t it? Old friend?”

Old friend. So that’s really all they were? Old friends.

#chicago fan fic #chicago pd #chicago med #chicago #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead #will halstead x reader #will halstead imagine #will halstead #nick gehlfuss #jesse lee soffer #chicago fire

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scarlet-star-witch · 5 years ago

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Never Enough (Jim Hopper/OC) - Part 1

Note: This starts pre-series but it will eventually follow through season 1 and maybe the others if people would like me to. This is my first time writing for Hopper and even Stranger Things, but I just finished season 3 and I need to fill the hole in my heart, so here it is. Hope you enjoy! xx

I don’t know what he’s doing with her

What the hell does he think he’s doing with someone that young? Some sort of midlife crisis?

You know what he’s been through, this is just some way to blow off steam

Never thought he’d stoop so low to rob the cradle

Devon rolled her eyes, wishing she had enough courage and confidence to turn around and give those gossiping ladies a piece of her mind. Did they really think she couldn’t hear them?

Rob the cradle, she scoffed to herself. Jim was ten years older than her and people were acting like he was some Hugh Hefner type predator. She had just turned thirty and she was woman enough to make her own choices.

The people of Hawkins, however, did not see it the same way.

If only they knew, Devon thought to herself. The fight she and the Chief had the night before had been a doozy. They’d been seeing each other for a few months, he’d been one of the only ones to be welcoming when she’d moved to the small town and things between them had progressed quickly.

Her mother had called her naïve for making the decision to move to Hawkins. She knew people like her usually got a bad rep in towns like these, based on the colour of her skin alone. But Devon didn’t care. She needed a new start. She was tired of always looking over her shoulder.

Chicago had too many bad memories and Hawkins seemed to be her safest option to start over. She should have listened to her mother’s warnings, though. The looks that were constantly thrown her way were getting irritating.

It wasn’t like she was the only woman of colour, or hell, person of colour in the town, but she was certainly one of few.

It wasn’t only the colour of her skin that caught the attention of others, no, it was her relationship with Jim Hopper, the chief of police that people loved to talk about. People were quite surprised when they’d seen the pair at the local diner, and then the local bar, or even just holding hands as they strolled around town.

Even months later, they were still the talk of the town. Something Jim absolutely despised.

“Mama?”

The small voice broke her out of her thoughts and she looked to her little boy, his wide brown eyes looking back at her own. Her annoyed expression immediately faded as she looked at her son and she smiled.

“What’s up baby?”

“Mama?” He asked again, pointing to the sugary cereal on the shelf next to them.

Devon smiled and shook her head in defeat, she couldn’t say no to those big brown eyes of his. She grabbed the Lucky Charms and placed them in the cart.

“The things I do for you, little one.” She mumbled, unable to stifle a giggle at the wide smile on Charlie’s cherub-like face.

Devon loved her son, but the sight of him smiling so widely, so innocently, sent an ache to her heart, knowing he was the topic of the fight the night before.

She knew about Jim’s past. She didn’t have to gossip with the bored housewives of Hawkins that had nothing better to do to get the dirt. No, Hopper trusted her enough to tell her about Sara and his ex-wife. He had told her how hard it was to lose his daughter and how hard it was to be around Charlie as a result.

Being a single mom wasn’t easy for her, but Jim had made her life so much easier, he had been so sweet and so helpful, she felt like she could finally give her son the family he deserved. Then Jim got scared. His insecurities got the best of him and he had freaked out, leaving with shouted words and a slamming door.

Devon ignored the stares from the housewives’ book club and made her way to the check out, listening to her son babble as she went. She smiled politely to the checkout girl who she knew was eyeing her curiously, as everyone in this town still did.

She was quick to pick up her son from the cart, grab the grocery bags and get the hell out of the store. She wondered when the mysterious Devon Wicklow would be old news. Apparently, not anytime soon.

Devon sighed, placing the bags in the trunk of her car. She didn’t want to just go home and wallow in silence. Well, wallow in the noise of children’s cartoons. That racket might be worse than silence.

She looked down at Charlie who was looking up at the blue sky curiously, which made her smile. Getting a more comfortable grip on him and shifting him on her hip, she closed the trunk and walked past her car, her sights set on Melvald’s General Store just a few doors down.

Joyce Byers looked up from her crossword puzzle as the bell chimed with the signal of a new customer. Her face lit up and she smiled widely at the woman who entered.

“Devon, hi!”

Devon instantly calmed, Joyce seemed to have that effect on her. Aside from Jim, Joyce and her two boys were some of the few people who were always welcoming and kind to her. The two women knew what it was like to be single mothers and it was a quick bonding factor between them.

“Hi Joyce.”

“Oh, look at that handsome little man. Give him here.” Joyce held out her arms, just dying to hold Charlie, who was equally excited to see her. He squirmed in his mother’s grip, his chubby arms reaching out for Joyce who eagerly took him off of Devon, holding onto him tightly.

“He’s getting so big.”

“I know. Before I know it, he'll be off to college.”

Joyce groaned dramatically, resting her cheek against Charlie’s head. “Don’t remind me. Jonathan started looking at places to apply. I almost started crying.”

Devon smiled and leaned against the counter, her arms were thankful for the break Joyce had given her. The woman looked over at Devon and smiled slyly, a knowing glint in her eye.

“So…”

“So?” Devon answered, raising a brow in question.

“How’s Hop?”

Devon’s smile fell and she lowered her head to avoid Joyce’s gaze. The woman was immediately curious by her reaction and she moved forward, looking at her intently.

“What happened?”

Devon groaned and let her head fall to the counter. “We had a fight last night.” She mumbled.

“About?”

“About Charlie.” She answered softly, not willing to raise her head and have the conversation face to face like an adult.

“What?” Joyce snapped, her face drawn tightly. If it wasn’t for the infant in her arms she would’ve marched down to Hawkins Police station and kicked Jim’s ass herself.

“With all the stuff in his past, you know… Sara and…” She trailed off, unable to say out loud what had happened to that poor little girl. “I knew he was apprehensive, but he said he wasn’t ready to be a father figure to Charlie. I mean, I get why he would be scared, I can’t even begin to imagine what he went through, but why wait until three months into a relationship to tell me? He knew I had a kid when we met and he still asked me out. Why drag me along all this time?”

“Maybe he didn’t know how scared he was until he was in it. I mean, it takes time for a relationship to get serious.” Joyce started, choosing her words carefully so she didn’t upset her new friend. “Maybe it wasn’t until he started seeing you and Charlie more as the relationship grew that he got scared.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Devon said softly and her sad tone had Joyce frowning, looking at the mom sympathetically.

“You wanna come over tonight for dinner, get your mind off everything?” She offered with a small smile.

Devon shook her head. “I don’t wanna impose.”

“No, no, you won’t be. Jonathan and Will love you. And they love Charlie. I’m sure they wanna spend time with the most adorable little boy in the world.” Joyce said, cooing her last sentence to the boy in her arms.

“Alright.” Devon relented. She couldn’t resist, she loved those Byers boys just as much as their mom.

“Alright.” Joyce echoed with a big smile. “I’ll see you at six.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Byers’ home was a little chaotic. Not that Devon was judging. She had a kid, she knew how messy and unorganized life could get. She couldn’t imagine having two, let alone, a teenager and one who was approaching quickly.

Devon smiled as Will held Charlie in his lap, holding out his Star Wars action figures for him to play with.

“Will, be careful. He could choke on that sword.” Joyce warned.

Will rolled his eyes, holding the toy out of Charlie’s grasp. “It’s a lightsaber, mom.”

“Sorry.” Joyce whispered, raising her hands in surrender.

Jonatan smiled at the little boy next to him in his brother’s arms and turned to Devon as they dug into dinner.

“So, Devon, how’s the gallery?”

“It’s great. They’re pretty flexible about me living here. I just have to take weekend trips to Chicago every once in awhile to drop off the pieces.

“Are you selling them?”

“Not all of them. Some of them go up in the gallery as permanent displays and some are specifically requested by clients.” She answered and shared a quick, knowing look with Joyce. “If you want, you could come with me one weekend. I could introduce you to some of the sellers and the clients. They’re always looking for new art styles.”

Jonathan’s eyes widened and he sputtered, flustered. “I-I don’t know about that. I’m too young-”

“That doesn’t matter.” Devon interrupted. “If your stuff is good, it’s good. That’s all they care about.”

Jonathan looked at her in astonishment, like he couldn’t believe what she was offering. He looked to his mother who nodded eagerly and he smiled, looking back to Devon.

“Ok, yeah, I’d love to.”

Once dinner was finished, Charlie started to get fussy and she knew it was time to go. She hugged Joyce tightly, thankful she had found such a great friend.

“Thank you for dinner. I really needed this.”

“Of course. I know how men can be. Anytime you need me, I’m here.”

Devon smiled and nodded. “You know it goes both ways, right? If you ever need anything, I’m just a phone call away.”

“Honey, you’ve already done so much, and just tonight. I can’t remember the last time I saw Jonathan so excited.” Joyce told her, holding onto her hands tightly.

Devon smiled and moved to take Charlie from Will’s arms.

“Thanks for coming, Devon.” Will smiled shyly.

“Of course. You know I’d never pass up the opportunity to see you.”

Will blushed and looked down at his feet as he shifted from side to side. She ruffled his hair and sent a wave to Jonathan.

“I’ll see you guys later.”

Joyce waved to her, watching from the window as she strapped Charlie into his car seat. She sent a final wave as she backed out of their driveway.

Devon looked to the rear view mirror, her heart bursting when she saw Charlie wide awake, his feet swinging off beat to the Stevie Nicks song that played on the radio. She couldn’t fathom how much she loved him.

She had never planned to be a mom, but getting pregnant had been a blessing in disguise. She couldn’t imagine her life without him.

Something inside her churned uncomfortably. She thought of Jim and her good mood crumpled. She was on her way to loving that big, sweet, idiot of a man, but it had come crashing down around her, like most things in her life had.

Devon was quiet as she drove, not singing along to the radio as she usually did. When she pulled onto her street she immediately spotted the familiar police blazer that was parked outside her house.

She contemplated pulling a u-turn and high tailing it back to Joyce’s to stay the night, but Hawkins was a small town. She knew she’d have to face him sooner or later. Without sparing a look to him as she passed his car, she turned into the driveway, her heart racing and palms sweating at the prospect of the coming confrontation she wasn’t able to avoid.

She heard a door slam just as she had slammed hers shut. She kept her head down and moved to the backseat, reaching to unbuckle Charlie. Just as she was hoisting him into her arms, she saw the man that had refused to leave her mind all day.

Charlie smiled a toothless grin at the familiar man and reached out to him, babbling what sounded an awful lot like ‘Jimmy’.

Jim Hopper prided himself on being a strong willed, stubborn man, but even the sight of Charlie Wicklow made him crumble. He may be an asshole, but he was still human. He swore that kid had superpowers or something. That smile was just too damn cute.

“Hey, buddy.”

The sound of Jim’s deep voice had Devon’s heart jumping wildly in her chest. She kept her expression plain as she turned to face him.

“You need something?”

Her monotonous voice had him wincing and he ran a hand over his face tiredly. It had been a long day, to say the least. The words they both spat at each other the night before had nagged at him all day.

“Can we talk? Please?” He practically pleaded, sensing her derision.

Devon didn’t respond. She hesitated for a few seconds before nodding her head towards her house as she carried Charlie to the front door.

Jim followed eagerly like a lost puppy, his hands wringing nervously. He stepped inside the familiar place, standing back and watching like an outsider as she moved around the house, getting Charlie ready for bed.

Jim’s chest tightened uncomfortably as he slumped into the kitchen chair, his fingers tapping the table erratically. He knew the routine by heart now, given all the times he’d stayed over. The thought had the guilt he’d felt all day growing exponentially.

“You want a drink?” Devon asked as she walked back in the kitchen, startling him out of his thoughts.

“Sure.” He muttered, taking his hat off and placing it on the table in front of him.

“So? What’s up?” She asked awkwardly as she poured out two glasses of whiskey. Jim sat up straighter in his chair and cleared his throat, already preparing himself for rejection.

“I, uh, I wanted to apologize.” He started, looking across the table at her hesitantly.

Devon raised a brow and slid the glass of whiskey over to him before swiftly taking a large swig of her own.

“For?”

Jim sighed and mirrored her actions, gulping his drink down in one swallow. “You know what for.” He answered, his voice strained from the strength of the drink. “I was bein’ a jackass last night. Should never had said what I said.”

“So you didn’t mean it?” She asked sternly. “About not wanting to be around Charlie, you didn’t mean it?”

“I never said I didn’t wanna be around him.” Jim was quick to defend himself. “I was just… I dunno, I was too chicken shit to admit I was scared.”

“Of?”

Jim sighed and slunk back in his seat, his eyes averting from hers. “Scared of not being enough for you two.”

“What?” Devon asked in disbelief, her face shrouded in confusion. “Jim, you said you didn’t wanna be a father figure to him. What the fuck does that have to do with-”

“I’m not good enough for you!” He snapped, his eyes finally lifting to meet hers. “You’re this successful artist, you had a life going for you. I bet you never pictured yourself with some out of shape, old guy.” He vented, his fingers circling the rim of his glass as a nervous tick. It was frightening being this open and honest, even with her. “I was scared you’d eventually figure that out so I got out before you could break me.”

Devon was shocked, her lips parted but no sound came out. She just stared at him in bewilderment.

“Jim, I can’t even tell you how wrong you are.” She breathed out, shaking her head in annoyance at his petty actions.

“I’ll admit, I was scared to be around Charlie. After I lost Sara I thought I’d never find happiness again, I never thought I could handle being around a kid again. Then you walked into this town and into my life and you turned everything around. It scared me, how fast I fell for you.” Jim admitted quietly, almost like he was embarrassed. “Took me one day without you to realize I’d made an ass out of myself.”

Devon was silent as he poured his heart out. Her fingers fidgeted on the table in front of her like a nervous child and she watched him apprehensively.

“My son is non-negotiable. You can’t have me if you don’t want him.”

Jim reached out, his fingers grazing hers, but she quickly pulled away. The hurt look on his face was like a lightning bolt to her chest and she sighed, shaking her head.

“Jim, I need to know if this is real. I can’t have you walking in and out of Charlie’s life. I can’t let you do that to him. I need to know that you really mean it, that you really wanna be with me.” She warned, her heart racing inside her chest.

“I mean it. I wanna be with you, I wanna make it up to you. I wanna be around Charlie, if you’ll let me.” He told her sincerely, looking her straight in the eye.

The deep blue eyes of his were her undoing and she smiled, feeling shy under his fierce gaze. The sight of her smile had Jim letting out a long exhale in relief. He moved out of his seat and kneeled next to her, his hands grabbing hers.

“I’m so sorry.” He breathed out, wrapping her in a hug that she quickly responded to. She held onto him tightly, as if worried that he’d immediately change his mind and leave.

“No more being an idiot, ok?”

“Well, you know I can’t promise that.” Jim smiled and she didn’t know if she loved or hated how charming he could be. “But, I can promise that I won’t be walking out on you or the little one, ever.”

“You sure? Cause, really, I wouldn’t blame you if this is too much for you. I know what you went through-”

“Dev,” Jim interrupted, a smirk growing on his face. “Stop talking.”

Before she could say anything else, he crashed his lips to hers, his hands framing her face gently. Devon melted into his embrace, her arms winding around his neck. A soft moan left her lips as they kissed passionately, the fire brimming within them from the emotions that were still running high from their whirlwind fight.

Devon pulled away, a teasing smile on her face. “You know, I think I need a better apology. Your first one wasn’t quite convincing enough.”

Jim smiled widely, biting his lip in a way that drove her wild.

“Well, Ms.Wicklow, I think I have the perfect apology in mind.” He rasped, placing a kiss on her neck and grinning smugly when she shivered. He stood from his spot and grabbed her by her hips, heaving her up into his arms.

She stifled a squeal into his chest, her hands winding into his hair as he carried her into her bedroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~

From outside the quaint house, two men in a van watched as the lights turned out. The man holding the binoculars threw them down, his teeth grinding in anger. Jake Pierson was not a calm man by any means. All his coworkers knew not to approach him when he was tense, in fear of poking the bear.

“That’s her?” The other man asked, looking to his companion, slightly worried by the anger he saw in his eyes.

“Yeah.” He answered shortly.

“And that’s the kid?”

“Yes.” He spat back, his patience beginning to slip away.

“Well, let’s go. Brenner’s on our ass about letting this one get away. The sooner we bring the little brat in, the sooner he’ll stop breathing down our necks.”

“No.” Jake stopped him before he could exit the van. “Not while the Chief’s there. We need to get her while she’s vulnerable.”

His companion sighed in annoyance and started the vehicle to drive back to the lab. “Alright, well, you’re explaining to Brenner why we don’t have the kid yet.”

Jake ignored him, his eyes on the rear-view mirror, watching as the house faded into the darkness of the night. His hands were almost trembling in anticipation. It had been a long road, she’d almost gotten off their grid, but they were finally so close to completing their mission.

They just had to get her away from the Chief.

#jim hopper #chief hopper #jim hopper x reader #jim hopper imagine #chief hopper x reader #chief hopper imagine #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #jim hopper x oc

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glitterdreamsz · 6 years ago

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Scandalous (part 3)

Roger x Reader

Summary: Reader is an emerging actress who met Roger at a premiere of one of her movies. They immediately clicked and now they have been in a relationship for almost a year. There’s only one big problem: the reader isn’t the only woman in Roger’s life. In fact he is married and has a child. That makes them keep their relationship a secret to the world. In the series I imagined Roger to be 32 years old while the reader would be 27. A/N: Aaand it’s finally here. I would define this chapter transitory as nothing tooo major happened. You have to wait the next two chapters and I will give you A LOT OF ANGST. English isn’t my first language so I’m sorry for any mistake. Hope you like it and don’t be afraid to let me know what you think!Have a nice day xx Oh! And if you want to cry while reading it I suggest you to listen to Say Something by A Great Big World, Save Me by Queen and Homesick by Dua Lipa (you can also find them in the series playlist) Warnings: a little of angs, a little of fluff Words: 2,1k+

“I guess someone needs some drinks here” Freddie appeared behind you and you jump lightly, scared by his voice which took you away from your thoughts about Roger. “I don’t know Fred, I’m not in the mood.” You mumbled reaching for your bag. “Come on darling, you have to celebrate, we both have to.” He grinned “Freddie, not today, I’d rather do it tomorrow.” “Well” the singer said picking his stuff “You have to drive me home anyway, I came here with Roger and you just made him go away” he pretended to be offended by your previous decision which made you chuckle. “Come on diva, let’s get you home.” You already knew what was in Freddie’s mind, he wanted to talk, he wanted you to talk. He was a great friend to you and you knew he only wanted to help, but talking about your situation with Roger was the last thing you wanted to do for the rest of the night. That’s why as soon as you got in the car you put your Beatles cassette on and turned up the volume as A Hard Day’s Night came out from the speakers. You were humming the song and tapping your fingers on the wheel “So, are you going to talk?” there he was, you pretended to not hear what he was saying due to the loud music in the vehicle “You know” Freddie said turning down the song volume “For being an actress you are pretty shit at lying in real life.”

“Freddie, what do you want me to say?” You sighed and stopped at the red light. “I don’t know, maybe how things are working with you and Roger? Where are you guys?” “I guess it’s pretty clear to everyone where we are, after what happened today we have the proof that maybe I will only be a secret lover for him. I don’t know Fred.” You turned to look at him “I feel like our relationship came to the finish line”. And that was the first time you left Freddie Mercury without a word to say. Once the light turned green again you started to drive again, The Beatles singing to the notes of I Should Have Known Better, what a coincidence for such a moment. You could have stayed silent but you decided that once you started it you could as well finish it. “I don’t know, I feel like we will never have a normal relationship. I don’t want to be a secret but I guess that this is all I will ever get from him.” “(Y/N), he’s a married man, what were you expecting? You knew from the first moment that you slept with him what you were going through.” Freddie’s frankness almost brought tears to your eyes. But after all he was right, you knew it since the beginning and his words were what you told yourself everyday. “You introduced me to Roger, it’s also your fault if I’m this shit situation” you chuckled trying to ease the moment. “Oh no darling, don’t try to use that card.” “(Y/N), I think I never introduced to Roger” Freddie said as his arm laid around your waist. You went to see a Queen concert as your friend Freddie asked you to attend one since you both were in the same town. The blonde drummer smirked as he got closer to you and Freddie. “No Freddie, you kept her all to yourself” he said “I’m Roger” he introduced himself holding his hand out. “(Y/N)” you replied shaking his hand. In that moment Freddie waved to a person who was distant from you “I will come back soon, I’ll leave you two here.” But before leaving he turned around looking at you “Be careful (Y/N), Roger does bite.” “What should that mean?” You asked chuckling while looking at the drummer. “Oh, I have no idea” But both of you knew what Freddie meant. Roger was well known for his reputation with women, even his marriage didn’t stop his bad habit of flirting with girls after a concert and then eventually bring them in his hotel room. What you both didn’t knew was that it wouldn’t have been a one night stand, it wouldn’t have been a fling. After that night Roger would have kept calling you every night, asking if you were free, if he could see you, if you would go to see his concert. Then he would come to see you on set, making sure that no one would see him he sneak on your trailer. “I was bored and thought that a quick shag wouldn’t be a bad idea”. What you both didn’t know was that you would have end up falling for each other.

As you walked down the hallway of your flat complex you could recognize the figure of a blonde man sat on the floor right in front of your door, his back against it. You sighed recognizing Roger. “Roger-” you said taking the keys of your flat from your bag, but before you could continue he stopped you. He knew you were about to tell him that you wanted him to go to his family, so he just said “We argued.” It took you a minute to get who the “we” was referred to and then you understood, it was him and his wife. Hearing him talk about his problem with his wife was really the last thing you wanted to do in that hell of a day, but how could you tell no to him? So, after opening the door you gestured for him to walk inside. “Do you want to talk about it?” You asked taking off your coat and putting it on the hanger, Roger mimicked you “She didn’t believe you were only Freddie’s friend, she kept saying that you came there with me.” You nodded walking to the couch and sat down, you wanted to be sure that you had something to hold you for the conversation you were about to have. “I kept telling her that it wasn’t true, that you were there only for Freddie and nothing more but she continued stating that I was lying. So i stormed out of the house” he stopped for a few seconds to see your reaction but you said nothing. “I told her I would have spent the night at Brian’s.” But he wasn’t at Brian’s house, he was there with you, he would have spent the night, again, at your place. Roger moved to the couch and sat down. “I couldn’t tell her the truth.” You nodded, again, that was killing him, he kept talking just to see a reaction from you. Your silence was the worst feeling, were you giving up on him? “It wasn’t the right way to tell her the truth, not while arguing.” His fingers reached for your hand which was laying on your leg, he needed you to do something, even just playing with his fingers, an usual habit of yours, you did it any time your hands brushed against each other. But nothing, you just nodded once more. “I couldn’t end my marriage in that way, you understand right?” “I do” you said softly, those words sent vibrations throughout Roger’s body, finally you were speaking, yes, they were only two words but they were enough for him. He moved closer towards you laying his head on your shoulder, your hands started to play with his hair and Roger smiled kissing softly your neck. “But I will eventually do it, I will tell her about us.” The blonde man looked up at you. “You know it, right?” he needed confirmations from you. You looked down at him, your fingers playing with the locks of hair that touched the back of his neck “I know” But you knew he wouldn’t do it, he was about to leave for the tour and stay away for two months. His wife would have stayed at home and he surely wouldn’t tell her that he was having an affair with another woman the day before leaving for a tour. You were pretty sure he wouldn’t do it even after that he would have been back. “You’re still coming on tour, right?” he asked taking you away from your thoughts. “Of course I am” you looked at him with a reassuring gaze. His hands found your waist pulling you closer and making you sit on his lap. You straddle him to face him, your hands on both sides of his neck “Good, cause I was afraid that after what happened today you might have changed your mind.” You shook your head as your fingertips drew lines on his skin. “I didn’t. You know how long I’ve waited for this tour to come. I want to stay by your side all day and night, you may even get annoyed for how much time I will stay next to you.” You chuckled lightly getting the same reaction from Roger. “I would never get bored of you” His face hid on the crook of your neck as his hands were on your back holding you as close as possible. “I don’t want to lose you” Your heart ached, his voice was trembling. You could hear the fear of losing you in his words and you only wanted to reassure him, tell him that you were going nowhere and that you would stay with him forever, but you knew this wasn’t the truth. As for now you couldn’t promise him that you would stay always by his side. So you just held him against you tightly, your lips against his temple leaving tender kisses. “If you leave me my heart will break in million pieces.” “I won’t leave you” you wanted to say that while looking him in his eyes but you couldn’t, you couldn’t lie while looking at him straight in his blue eyes. How could leave someone who wasn’t even yours? You were both lying down on the couch, facing each others. You were both silent for at least ten minutes, Roger’s arm didn’t leave your waist. Your fingers were tracing his outline, going up from his arm, then his shoulder, his neck, his jawline, his cheek, his forehead, as they traced down his nose he closed his eyes just to open them when he felt your fingertips on his lips. He left sweet kisses on your fingers and you smiled not looking away from his eyes. “What are you thinking?” Roger asked putting a lock of your hair behind your ear, Your brain kept telling you not to answer his question as you would only end up harmed. But your heart was so light yet filled with love for that man in front of you at the same time, and in that moment you decided to listen to your most irrational organ. “Today, when I saw you with your son...I never saw you in that scenario.” You intertwined your fingers with his “And it made me think if, if we could ever have something like that.” And right there you felt the most stupid person in the planet. Were you really asking Roger if you would ever have children? Were you really talking about babies with your secret lover? “Of course we will love” Roger replied to you, and to him it wasn’t a stupid thought, he was serious and the fact that you were thinking about children with him gave him hope that he wasn’t losing you. “I will give you everything you’ve ever wanted. We will have our own family.” He didn’t even give you the time to reply that his lips were on yours, a kiss full of love and both of yours and his hands were roaming each other’s bodies. The way he could take your breath away just by small gestures was still inexplicable to you.

You alarmclock advised you that it was time for you to wake up, even though you didn’t have to work you had plenty things to do like packing your stuff for the tour and then you promised Freddie you two would have met, and you knew that would have take your whole afternoon. Still with closed eyes you brought the sheet up to your naked back as you felt a cold shiver down your spine. You stretched your arm to the other side of your bed finding an empty spot. Your eyes opened at this time but, unlike the previous morning, you didn’t looked around the room to find some evidence that Roger were still in your house. You already knew he was gone back to his family.

Taglist: (tell me if i forgot someone) if you want to be tagged write me an ask, comments on the post or dm won’t be considered. sorry, but it’s easier for me in that way @closertothesunwhenimwithyou @thewinchesterchronicles @borhapqueen92 @rogerfxckingtaylor @richiethotzierz @sleepretreat @stephrivno99 @starryoddity @discodeakyy @dccomicnerd-world @whatismylifeman @rxchel1999 @dreamer7black @ziggysstarrdust @yourealegendroger @alien-alibii @nataliekilla101 @killerrogerina @crying-over-bucky @magicwithaknife @llaroztac @cosmiclunas @justonks @fuckinghurricanesoul

#roger taylor #ben hardy imagine #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor fluff #roger taylor x reader #roger taylor x reder #roger taylor angst #ben hardy #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy fluff #queen #queen imagine #imagine #scandalus #scandalous series #roger taylor series #ben hardy series #bohrap cast #bohrap imagine

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thebestplltheories · 6 years ago

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PLL The Perfectionists - 1x01 Pilot LIVE REACTION

WE ARE BACK!!!!

Ok I’m gonna do what I was doing for PLL where I react as I watch. But before I copy and paste the live reaction, I want to give my quick overview. That was by far a 10/10. That achieved everything a pilot should achieve. It introduced us to the characters, each of their stories, and the relationships each character has with one another. It set the overall tone, that this is a murder mystery with twists and turns to come. It established what the show is about. And it had occasional small shocks (I say small because there’s only so much that can be shocking in a pilot when everything is brand new). This was exponentially darker than the PLL pilot and for that I’m so grateful. We are cutting the high school airy-fairy (is that word used outside of Australia?) drama and going straight to scandals and a murder. I’m scared to see the ratings tomorrow because I want it to do well but hey it was trending worldwide on Twitter so that’s a good sign!? The show looks SO promising. I think I’m already in love with the cast. I just want to know more about everything and everyone and omg we are back!

LIVE THOUGHTS:

Love this intro! It sets the scene very well about the whole theme of perfectionism.

WAIT IS DYLAN PLAYING POKERFACE BY LADY GAGA HAHAHAHAHA

Okay sorry but that song ain’t it (“two can keep a secret if one of them is dead”). Why does it sound like an auto tuned choir? I’m happy for change. I actually don’t want the exact same version as the original series. But this one ain’t it. Is it too late to change it???

Wait, why is Alison walking around her new apartment like she’s walking around Jenna’s school for the blind in 710? If she lived 2 years of happiness and freedom of A, there’s no need to be so sceptical of danger every time you walk into a room. Anyway, doesn’t really matter.

Just the backing music throughout the scene is very PLL-esque! Yes, there is such thing as PLL backing music. And this is it.

Mona making a grand entrance!

I feel like Ali’s reaction to seeing Mona was a bit... underwhelming? If they haven’t seen each other in 2 years I expected a bit more of an “OMG”, and a “how did you get in my apartment”, etc. But they go straight to the point and cut the fluff so I don’t mind overall.

Mona recruited Ali. I knew it. And she works at BHU, we already knew that.

Emison is having trust issues. But she wants to do this for the kids. Ok I expected more detail there to satisfy the Emison shippers but whatever, I won’t cry at night.

Ok so Mary and Alex escaped Mona’s “dungeon”. That’s fine by me. Maybe that’ll be the storyline for a PLL movie later, who knows. It’s quite a vague answer but what did we expect... Mona to ADMIT to Ali that she captured her aunt? No. Mona could never explicitly say to Ali what she did. Hence the subtle pause before “... escaped me”. Only us the audience know the true meaning of that and I love how subtle yet meaningful it is.

Why do I feel like this security system is gonna play a massive toll throughout the entire series?

Loved the little Easter egg of seeing Mona, and Mona in the mirror (2 Mona’s). A subtle symbol/reference to her split personality in PLL.

I LOVED the scene of Ali teaching in the classroom! I got How To Get Away With Murder vibes...

Remember when we all thought Taylor’s death would be the main death of the show because of that memorial with her name on it... lol. Okay I’m calling it now... come back to this in the apparently mind blowing season 1 finale... Taylor isn’t really dead WE HAVENT TECHNICALLY SEEN A BODY

Love the complicated friendships going on between Dylan, Nolan, Ava, Caitlin! There’s a lot going on about faking being friends and faking tasks to uphold the image of being perfect. I love this theme and I feel like it’s super relevant to today’s world. Like especially social media. Everyone’s instagrams are always filled of their highs. And they’re mostly edited. No one ever posts/shares their low moments.

So no one knows of Ali’s past. Hmmm. We’ve had this discussion before, I don’t think it’s realistic that no one knows the name Alison DiLaurentis - surely that was on national news when “dead girl isn’t dead anymore” made headlines. But anyway. If they wanna pretend no one watches the news, it wouldn’t be the most unrealistic thing PLL has done.

Is Dylan the gay male character Marlene said she was going to introduce in PLL season 5B? Lmao about time.

WOW that flashback of Caitlin and Nolan just gave me PLL season 1 Alison flashback vibes! Nolan plays the bad manipulative guy so well just like Ali played the bully so well in flashbacks!

Two moms don’t make a right hahahaha who wrote that

Sofia looks FLAWLESS in the pool scene OH MY GODDD. AND her voice is so soothing what the hell

Love how the first scene of Nolan’s mother shows her standing on top of the staircase and the camera panning up. Great directing there. Showing she’ll be like a supreme leader. And then the camera being over her shoulders looking down on Nolan. Again great camera work which conveys the message that she is the boss of this town. I think she’ll be our new Jessica DiLaurentis lol

“I’d like some time for myself” ... “to do what?” OUCH why is that so iconic

Eli is... doing great. He comes across very confident. A star in the making?

Love the cinematography period. And Portland is beautiful!! Better than the Warner Bros lot.

Omg Nolan’s mother gathering “attractive” people for her photo op. Lol, they really are big on presenting a perfect image.

“You saw somebody else” NO CAITLIN, ALISON SAW YOU wow these kids will adamantly lie to uphold perfectionism. I keep saying that but I just love this theme!!!

“I know a little bit about manipulation” hahahahaha Ali

Omg Ali is so good at learning their lies. Of course she is, she’s had years of practice

The woods, Nolan? Nothing good ever happens in the woods.

Lol when Nolan tells Dylan to “kiss me” and Dylan actually contemplates it (and does it). That’s the type of power Nolan has over people.

I love how Ali is trying to help them! I can see a bond eventually forming here.

This scene where Nolan cheats on Ava isn’t shocking since they unfortunately shared it in the promos but hey a douche is a douche.

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCKING FUCK IT’S TAYLOR WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOVE

OK I KNOW I GUESSED ALEX DRAKE BUT THIS IS A NEW RECORD FOR FASTEST THEORY TO COME TRUE

Well it wasn’t really a theory I was just joking that she’s not really dead because we didn’t see a body but still do I get a point? Lmao

Nonetheless that shocked me! I love that they’re trying to take down their own family, that’s so dark and it’s only episode 1!

Yes Alison is already getting suspicious. Solve this one please Ali

Sorry I put my phone down during that scene in the woods. I just knew it would be juicy and I wanted to immerse in it properly. I frickin adore this scene. It’s creepy in tone, set in the woods like classic PLL, they’re referring to Ali like a friend and my PLL heart is content, and this is the first time they’re all bonding over one thing: wanting Nolan dead. This is probably my favourite scene in the whole episode.

So I’m guessing the vibes are that they were being recorded in the woods about how they want Nolan to be killed? But didn’t Nolan turn off the security?

Mona gets in her car and chucks a big bag in the back seat. Where was she and what was in the baggggg

Ok that was a bit dramatic Ali (“why am I really here”)

Lol I had to rewatch that for a sec. I thought Ali said “and his dead sister who I just saw pick him up” and I was like wait what Ali knows Taylor’s alive??? No, “dead sister who I just saw a picture of”.

OH MY GOD WHAT A MISSED OPPORTUNITY!!!! THAT SCENE WHERE THE 3 OF THEM ARE WALKING AWAY FROM EACH OTHER... NOLAN’S BODY SHOULD’VE FALLEN TO THE GROUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM RIGHT THERE! That would’ve been iconic. Like “oh well we were just kidding about all that, good night xx” then nope bam dead body. But I guess he had to die with poles through his chest as Caitlin said.

Oh Marlene. That’s a LOT of dialogue for a death scene. I hope you can back up and explain what Nolan is talking about before he died. Don’t you dare tell me that was an interpretative dream. Again that’s a lot of dialogue for a death scene. You better know who that killer is Marlene! Don’t make it up the day you write the finale!

I don’t like how we didn’t see Nolan ACTUALLY be killed. They play it safe because they don’t want to show us the killer in action. they basically copied the format of Mona’s “death”. Just change the scene to a flashing ambulance with a lame transition lol.

Another missed opportunity. Mona should’ve said to Ali “they found a body”! That would’ve been iconic in every way possible. First it was Ali’s body now Ali is finding a body and hearing the news and ugh oh well

My god that’s a violent death. And pretty early in the series for a Noel-Khan-level death. Too bad the photos leaked online and we knew that Nolan would not only die, but die like THAT. Those extras/fillers on set really should get charged for having their phones on them and leaking shit. Isn’t there copyright laws or something???? idk

Ummmmmm what? What kind of sci-fi, dollhouse level bullshit is that? That’s kinda over the top. Ehhhh. We’ll see where that goes.

My brain right now instantly got to thinking if Nolan’s murderer will be the “A” of the series or if the killer will just be the main mystery for season 1? Is “who killed Nolan” going to be the overarching story of the entire show or will they answer that sooner rather than later and then start a new mystery? I wonder what the format of this show will be. That’s where my mind is right now as the credits play.

#PLL #pretty little liars #pll the perfectionists #the perfectionists #pll theories #plltp #tp #alison dilaurentis #pretty little liars theories

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fanatic-writers · 7 years ago

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Master List

I finally got my shit together and made a master list. Characters are bolded, series and titles are in italics, summaries are in regular type. (If the fic isn’t a series the link is the title)

Loki

Questionable Intentions

Reader is big into mythology and knows Thor from New Mexico, moves to New York to meet up with him and gets introduced to Loki. Realizes she has feelings for him and isn’t sure his he shares the same feelings. (.5 parts are in Loki’s POV)

Part 1

Part 2

Part 2.5

Part 3

Part 3.5

Part 4

Part 4.5

Part 5

Part 5.5

Part 6

Part 6.5

Part 7

Part 7.5

Part 8

Part 8.5

Long Live the King

Request: @winterrsschild Could you, please do a Loki x reader based on the prompt “if the world isn’t ready for us, we’ll just destroy it”? Preferably set in the first Avengers? I would love to see what your writing can do with this, I love your work!

Young God

Based on the song by Halsey takes place during the events of the first Thor movie, reader is in love with Loki but arranged to marry Thor.

Can’t Buy Me Love

Request: @firewolfkelly For the drabbles maybe an AU type thing where reader is working at a car show and Loki keeps coming back to buy tickets or something so he can talk to her because he likes her. Xx

The List

Reader has a list of things she doesn’t like about herself and Loki finds it while she’s away.

Part 1

Part 2

15 Day Writing Challenge

Reader takes it upon herself to introduce Loki to Midgardian fall traditions such as pumpkin spice and apple picking.

Pumpkin Spice

Falling Leaves

Hot Cocoa

Mittens

Pumpkin patch/field

Scarfs

Leaf Pile

Hayride

Scarecrow/Cornfield

Hoodie

Fireplace

Harvest/yellow moon

Bonfire

Candy/Candy corn

Apple cider

Don’t Mess with Me

Request: hi, can you write a Loki fic on Mischief Night? I just think it would be really cool to see him pulling pranks in the Avenger's tower, maybe even as part of a prank war with somebody (not an Avenger) who works there. Its cool if you cant or don’t want to, it’s just an idea I got with Halloween coming up @couldbeloved

As You Wish

Request: Can I request a reader x Loki where the reader hasn’t been sleeping well worrying about the Avengers who have been on a mission. And Loki, (who doesn’t go on missions) notices and get’s her to watch a movie with him in which she falls asleep on his shoulder? Thanks! I love your work!

Tony

Not My Choice

Request: Please 2,44 and 88! Choose whatever you prefer! But please… m/m not m/f!

Prompts: 2.“Hey, hey, calm down. They can’t hurt you anymore.” 44.”You need to see a doctor.” 88. “STOP INTERRUPTING ME”

Ink and Grease

Soulmate AU where writing and other things like dirt and bruises and such show up on your soulmates skin too.

Carry On

Based on the song Carry On by fun. Tony recounts his best memories the person that means the most to him.

Part 1

Part 2

Bruce

Your Mess is Mine

Bruce goes to one of the reader's therapy sessions to help them calm down, what happens next surprises the both of them.

Sticks and Stones

Request: Hi! I just discovered your blog, and I LOVE your work! I was wondering if I could request a fic where the reader is in an abusive relationship and Bruce who has secretly loved her discovers it and helps her out of it? Thank you!

Part 1

Part 2

Give It A Rest

Request: Hi! Congrats on 500!! For the prompt list, could you do 15, 21, and 22? (M/F, preferably) Thank you and congrats again!

Prompts: 21. “I’m bulletproof…but please, don’t shoot me.” 22. “Did you just hiss at me?”

Challenge Accepted

Request: Could you do a Bruce x Reader fanfic with the prompt “you’re a doctor, and my friend has been trying to get me a date for weeks she just fake fainted to get you over here she’s fine I promise” love your blog btw :))

Control

Based on the song by Halsey, reader sticks by Bruce’s side even though he thinks he’s a monster.

Blacks and Blues

Same AU as Ink and Grease only this time reader is paired up with Bruce which means some mornings she wakes up covered in bruises.

Part 1

Part 2

Thor

Short Stuff

Request: @milleniumxhan Heyyyyy!!!! Could you do a Thor x reader where you’re really short (okay me like I'm 5'1) and like he finds it hella adorable and the when the other Avengers tease you he gets all defensive and yeah. Thanks <3

Peter Parker

The Language of Love

Peter confesses his love for the reader… in Spanish…

Wade Wilson

Unconditionally

Based on the Katy Perry song, reader tells Wade how much she loves him and convinces him to let her see his face

Voices In My Head

Reader tells Wade about her anxiety after he finds her in the midst of an anxiety attack.

Don’t Let Me Get Me

Based on the Pink! song, Wade finds reader cutting herself.

(Let me know if I’m missing anything. Updated 11/17/2017)

#loki x reader #tony x reader #bruce x reader #bruce banner x reader #Thor x reader #Peter x reader #Peter Parker x reader #Wade x reader #Wade Wilson x reader #deadpool x reader

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bothsandneithers · 5 years ago

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Day 3047

The three reasons why this essay may not interest you: (1) I reference not one, not two, but three books, (2) I provide a non-normative, self-indulgent, and tortured perspective of not knowing whether or not I want children, and (3) I summarize and apply Buddhists teachings through a Western lens, in which I undoubtedly get things wrong.

Aside from this introduction, I cannot think of a more effective way to quickly discourage the interest of readers than by first stating the name of an author. For example, if I started with: Jorge Luis Borges once wrote a short story called the Library of Babel, then you would probably stop reading.

And, to be clear, I almost stopped reading, because I found the story to be incredibly difficult to understand. But, the ideas that I did understand, I really liked: Everything that will ever exist in the universe is contained in a vast library of books that are each about 400 pages in length. That is, all the possible permutations of character sequences that have ever been, and ever will be written, already exist. As such, Anna Karenina may be located on a library shelf next to thousands of volumes of books that contain complete gibberish, and it just so happens that the sequences of letters that comprise Anna Karenina actually makes sense. [1]

Within this Library of Babel, then, we can find stories that have already been written, and solutions to problems that have not yet been realized. (Someone joked that my dissertation was already written, and that I just have to find it.)

I think the entire internet serves as its own Library of Babel, because you can search for ideas that you want validated, and someone, undoubtedly, would have experienced those exact thoughts before: not + having + children + is + not + selfish.

Even though there are twice as many search results for, “not having children is selfish,” the internet acts in a way to make it feel like someone else is experiencing my experience. This feeling recently accompanied me into a physical library, when I noticed a book that had recently been returned. If I’m not mistaken, I had checked out and returned the exact book.

This shared experience of reading the same book as someone initiates feelings of camaraderie; there is -- at best -- an unassuming intimacy that comes with reading the same book as someone else (at worst, an assuming intimacy). But, the way the book had fallen into the deposit shelf, among all of the others, made it feel like a particularly vulnerable moment. The book, lain flat yet elevated by all of the other previously returned and disheveled books, couldn’t hide its title: Motherhood.

Motherhood is cast as a thirty-six year old woman’s meandering thoughts on whether or not she should have a child and, in effect, become a mother. As I looked at the cover, and recalled the cathartic experience of reading through the pages of someone else’s tortured pain of trying to figure what to do, my feelings of camaraderie with the unknown library member were quickly promoted to a feelings of empathy.

I was probably projecting, but at that moment, my heart hurt for the previous reader. In my mind, a thirty-something year old woman had returned the book, after exploring her doubts of trusting her intuition, and her fears of making the wrong decision. She recalled every envious moment she experienced when looking at a mother who had decided to become one. She felt every pang of guilt for not being a normal daughter or sister, and every brief moment of terror that accompanied liberated moments, because what if this freedom is short-sighted? She recounted how she feels as if she disappearing into the shadows of society, where each silver hair and unfertilized egg makes us one day closer to becoming completely ignorable.

Acknowledging the pain in other people’s lives is one way to become a more loving and kind person. To know that my suffering isn’t unique to me is a way to overcome suffering. It’s difficult to practice this, because pain tends to feel unlike anything else. But, acknowledging that life is painful for other people actually makes it less painful. This is what I have come to understand it from the interpretations of Buddhist teachings I have read.

I have also read of another way to reduce suffering, which is is to acknowledge both the good moments and the bad moments, but to not assign meaning or worth to either of these experiences. Instead, try to be in the moment with these situations as they arise, and then just let them pass. In doing so, we stop craving certain thoughts and experiences while rejecting others (such behavior causes suffering).

These practices seem to work. I have noticed that when I am around children, I can soak up their joy, brilliance, and curiosity, while not perseverating on whether or not I should have one.

While these interactions used to introduce a mudslide of thoughts -- This is wonderful, I need a baby in my life! Do I need a baby in my life? What is wrong with me if I don’t want a baby in my life? I thought I always wanted baby in my life -- recently, they haven’t. Instead, I don’t assign any meaning to these interactions, and as the moment passes, I quickly forget about it, and I am not left stinging.

I should be honest. It’s not only meditation that has removed my suffering surrounding the choice of having children. A series of recent circumstances has made me completely uninterested in having children: (1) A pandemic, (2) self-quarantine, and (3) a very small house.

In other words, my current source of suffering isn’t related to future decisions. Right now, it is difficult to ignore the present moment. The present moment contains, if we are lucky, at least four walls, and if we are luckier, a laptop from which our keystrokes and ideas are -- for reasons I don’t quite understand -- performed in exchange for currency.

Sometimes, during the endless hours inside, we sit and we panic as we read about Europe, and the impending tidal wave that will hit us, probably in about three days. We look at charts and graphs, and explore what the denominator of a mortality rate really should be, and weigh the importance of interpreting the numbers in either relative or absolute terms. We are also bored, isolated, tired, and missing other people and our morning routines.

And it feels like nobody is feeling these feelings. But literally, everyone, except those who thrive in self-isolation, are feeling these feelings.

It might be too much to heed the instructions of not assigning value to our thoughts, and it might feel like an unproductive activity to acknowledge how much everyone else is suffering right now.

But, if we can’t do those things, then one thing that we can do is look into our refrigerators, and see what food we have. Then, we can go online and combine these foods to form a search: kale + spaghetti

When the search results are returned, perhaps we can take comfort in finding that not only has it been done before, but it has been done with garlic and parmesan.

xx,

Amy

Somebody took the time to make this idea more concrete, and created a virtual representation of the library. You can browse the library, or search for particular strings of text, and it shows you where that string is located in both the page of the book, and where the book is located in the library: https://libraryofbabel.info/

#motherhood #self-quarantine #covid-19

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geniuscloud · 7 years ago

Text

Bad Liar- Chapter Three

I kinda went a little long on this chapter so enjoy! ALSO PLEASE DON’T BE MAD. I don’t know how to collapse the story so it doesn’t show up as long. I apologize! If anyone knows, PLEASE TELL ME!! Please let me know what you guys think, or if you have anything to say at all. I love hearing feedback! Thank you to everyone who has been reading this series. It means a lot to me. Xx

Genre: Fluff, Angst, and a little suggestive.

Jaebum/JB (GOT7) X Orginal Character

Collage/University AU

Warrnings: May cause slight heart break, and rage towards characters.

May contain: Brief mentions of BTS members.

Groggily I moved my arm, swinging it around, trying to blindly feel for my phone which wouldn’t stop beeping. The new semester meant waking up at 6am every morning for a 7:30am class; though luckily my classes ended by noon. Every ‘day one’ my first class was at 11am, and classes only lasted until 3:15pm. The only problem, I’m not a morning person. I get grumpy and agitated really easily until about 9am, then I start to properly wake up and join society as a happy person.

I got up after about 10 minutes of pep talking myself, chanting things like “if you get up today, you can see that cute Barista Jimin before class” and “If you don’t try to attempt murder, you can let yourself get ice cream from the convenience store after class.” After that I jumped in the shower, got dressed in some comfortable clothes, and did a little bit of makeup. I made a deal with myself to start letting my skin have a break on the days that I have class early. No more early morning cake-face, because once you get to university you start to realize sleep is extremely important and no one actually cares how you look early in the morning because everyone is just trying to stay awake to get their money’s worth out of the classes.

Around 6:45 I was almost ready to leave to the coffee shop; slipping on my black doc boots, when I notice I was basically monochrome dressed. Black skinny jeans and a grey shirt. Maybe I should try adding some color to wardrobe like Amie? She always wears such cute and colorful clothes. Maybe I could get more attention from boys if I was always cute like her and… What am I saying? Oh God maybe I’m getting jealous of her? Ugh, stop it. I’m fine the way I am, but… Okay, maybe some color in my wardrobe wouldn’t hurt. It would be better than looking like I’m going to a funeral all the time. I switch out the black jacket for an army green one, hoping that maybe I would look a little more approachable.

I slipped my contacts in last minute, and then grabbed my stuff before locking up. I was lucky now because this semester I have more time in the morning to get to my class. Living a little far away from school meant I got up around 6am for my 8:30am class, so this time it was nice having about half an hour to walk the equivalence of 2 parking lots. I could stop by the coffee shop, chat up the cute guy Jimin, and then head to class without worrying.

The little bell over the door rang as I walked in, a big smile on my face when I saw Jimin. I had gotten to know him a little better once he started working here 3 semesters ago. His dad owned the local coffee shop on campus, and he worked here almost every morning before his classes. He, unlike myself, was a morning person and didn’t mind waking up at 5am to open the shop at 6am. I would rather bathe in boiling water.

“Good morning Jimin!”

“Good morning Micah, you’re here early?” He smiled brightly.

“I moved on campus so I’ll probably be here a little more often, and a lot earlier than usual.”

“That’s cool. I’m glad to see you not as rushed and panicky like last semester.”

“Don’t remind me. Anyways, can I just get a Caramel Latte?” I said, biting my lip while thinking.

“Are you going to drink the whole menu this year as well?”

“We’ll see… Oh can I get a bagel too?”

Jimin ended up giving me the bagel for free as a little gift for being a very frequent customer. He wrote my name on the cup before tucking his light brown hair out of the way, and then resting the marker behind his ear. I sat down at the bar stool beside Jimin’s station munching away on the bagel as we continued to talk. “There sure are quite a few customers in here already and it’s only ten minutes after seven…”

“Yup, we get some really interesting people here when we open and when we close. Like that guy in the right corner hiding under his duvet with his laptop? His name is Taehyung, his friends call him V. He’s been in here every morning for the past 2 weeks right when we open. Even before campus properly opened for classes. That’s his third cup of espresso in two hours, and if you watch closely… He only blinks every 20 to 30 seconds. Apparently, he’s retaking a class and is trying to prepare so he does well. I don’t think he’s slept in a few days. He keeps mumbling something about plants.”

“Maybe he’s doing something to do with plants?”

“He’s a visual art’s major…”

“Uh oh.”

“Yeah, I hope he’s okay though. He’s the reason I put emergency services on speed dial on the business phone,” Jimin laughed pointing to the phone by the register. I finished up my food before grabbing my bag and I was just about to head out the door when I heard Jimin call out, “Hey Micah, are you free this weekend?”

“Uh I think so?”

“Want to go see a movie or something?”

“Yeah, sure! Are you working tomorrow, I can give you my number then? I’ve got to go to class right now” I yelled.

“I’m always here, of course. If you show up, coffee is on me.”

“I’ll be there, bye Jimin!” I darted out the door and started rushing towards my class. I was a language major, my strongest second language being English. My first class on day two was advanced English language and grammar. Which I felt would be a little easier for me, but boy was I wrong. Who knew that American’s were so weird dropping the u in words like colour and neighbour? As well as having words that are spelt the same, but sound different? Live and live, read and read? What is this?! We also established partners for any class activities, which I went to my usual partner throughout the first few semesters we had together. Thank goodness Namjoon was in another one of my classes, because he was really good with English. Where he excelled, I didn’t… though where I excelled cough pronunciation cough he wasn’t AS great. I was better at pronouncing words, and talking without an extremely distinct accent.

After what felt like forever, my classes were finally over. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep but I guess the universe had a different plan because as soon as I got home Amie was hosting what looked like a party. Though it wasn’t any of her new friends, it was JB and the guys. Mark, Jackson, Jinyoung, Youngjae, Yugyeom, and BamBam. All 6 of JB’s close guy friends were in the living room packed around the built coffee table eating. It was a typical sight for me, just usually it took place at JB’s house. Youngjae was kicking everyone’s ass at video games like usual, while the others cheered him on. I saw Amie sat on the couch, pressed between JB and Yugyeom, with a bowl of chips in her hand.

“What the hell are you guys doing here?” I yelled over the TV. The game paused in an instant, all their eyes darting over to my position by the front door. No one had even noticed me coming in.

“Micah! You’re home, how are you?” Jackson smiled getting up from the floor and coming to give me a hug. He was the only one who really made an effort to come and greet me, which was a little unusual. Normally the guys were pretty excited to see me since I don’t get to see them often.

“I’m doing good. Class was boring… Amie how was your first day on campus?”

“It was fun. I went to that little café and got a coffee. The barista says he knows you!”

“Ah that’s Jimin, yeah he’s my friend. Oh by the way, we’re going to catch a movie this weekend. Do you want to come too?”

“Micah, that sounds like a date. Did you seriously just ask me to third wheel your date?” Amie smirked, raising her eyebrow.

“Micah has a date? With someone other than Jae…” Yugyeom announced before Jinyoung gave him a solid elbow to the ribs.

I rolled my eyes, “It’s not a date. Anyways, can you guys explain why you are all here?”

“You didn’t tell us you had a cute roommate who could cook!” BamBam, placing the controller down.

“I just got her yesterday, and I didn’t know she could cook.” “Well she’s great, you’re going to be seeing a lot of us if she’s here and making food. Try the pork buns!”

I sighed, walking over to the rest of the guys. I was going to sit down with them but with the 8 of them taking all the chairs and carpet space, it really didn’t seem like a welcoming environment. Amie shot me a small apologetic smile before answering the question in my head. “JB brought them over to surprise us. He said they are your friends too, and also thought it would nice to introduce them to me in the meantime.”

“It sure was a surprise…” I huffed. I threw my bag in my room, laying down on my bed for comfort. I just wanted sleep, or death at this point. This was starting to get a little annoying. I’m the kind of girl who likes a plan, and I don’t like drastic changes. When things don’t go the way as planned, I start to get agitated. My theoretical plan would be moving in with my childhood best friend, going to school, having this place as my relaxing safe space, and then JB’s place would be where I go for socializing. Now JB is here and brought the looney toon bunch with him…Plus my roommate is too much of a socializer to say no and turn them away.

“Micah? Are you coming back? Youngjae wants to verse you too!” Mark called from the doorway.

“I don’t have anywhere to sit” I exclaimed as I paced over to the group.

“Just sit on my lap, I don’t mind. I have strong thighs. Though I can stand if you want to sit down,” Jackson smiled sweetly. Some people would take that as a dirty suggestion, but Jackson was actually just a genuinely sweet guy.

“That’s not happening, Micah can sit here. I’ll stand…” JB interrupted, getting off the couch and moving to the side. I slid beside Amie, who still looked a little uncomfortable.

“So, what are we playing?”

“It’s a Grand Theft Auto death match,” Yugyeom replied passing BamBam’s controller over.

“Oh, you’re back playing this old game? I thought you guys would have been playing something new like Overwatch or something.”

“Hey why doesn’t Amie verse Micah?” JB asked. All the guys seemed to really like the idea of us playing.

“Okay, but just so you know I’m great at playing games” Amie replied, grabbing Youngjae’s remote.

“Getting cocky, are we? Care to make it a bet?”

“The winner gets something that belongs to the loser. Winner’s choice.”

“Deal.”

“I should warn you Micah, I never lose.”

“Neither do I” I smirked.

Saturday rolled around faster than I anticipated. Even though the guys said they would be over frequently, I hadn’t seen them since Monday. Which was a good break I guess… At least I was able to focus on school more, and I even got to hang out with Amie. We went shopping together a little bit, she got her nails done while I watched. We just had some free time to reconnect and get back on the same page as before. We both had changed a lot, but the chemistry was still there for the most part. She told me stories about living in the UK, and in Sweden. Apparently, she felt kind of lonely and awkward being part of the minority compared to when she’s home in Korea. The world has differently beauty standards, and here… She’s considered model gorgeous, like one of the most glamourous looking idols.

I woke up a little late on Saturday morning to the sounds of Amie making breakfast. She was busy trying to make crepes, but she dropped the pan before it made its way to the stove top. I ran in to check on her, reassuring myself that she was okay.

“What the hell happened?”

“I was holding my phone and the pan in one hand, and then it buzzed which startled me and I dropped the pan” she said, lifting the pan off the floor, “thank goodness there was no crepe batter in there yet.”

I picked up her phone off the floor, the screen lighting up with a message, “Who’s Jae emoji peach?”

“Oh, it’s JB. Get it Jaebum? Jae-bum. As in peach emoji, because it looks like a booty.”

“Yeah, I-uh… I get it. So, what’s going on with him?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you guys like…?”

“We’re just friends for now. He is going to come over soon though, he said since you’re busy maybe we could hang out and go for dinner” she smiled into her phone, “You’re okay with that right?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t I be? I have a date with Jimin anyways.”

“Thank you again for being super cool with all of this. I really like JB, and I think he likes me too. I hope you don’t feel awkward about this…”

“Me? Awkward? Psssh. We’re history, done, the past is the past. I have absolutely no romantic feelings for him whatsoever.” Amie put a crepe on my plate, decorated with strawberries and crème. I instantly shoved it in my face, trying to keep myself from talking because this could go really bad, really fast.

“Hey do you want help getting ready for your date with Jimin? I obviously love doing makeup and hair for other people. I could help with an outfit too?” Amie suggested.

“Oh, I don’t want to burden you…”

“It’s not a problem at all. I mean I saw Jimin, that guy is the most aesthetically pleasing guy I’ve seen in a very long time. He’s super attractive and would look really cute with you. You should doll it up a little an impress him.”

“If you want to… Please don’t make me look too uncomfortable though. I still want to look like me” I begged.

At first, she tried to dress me like her. A white crop top with a floral skater skirt, and sandals. Which was a huge “nope” in my books. We argued a little bit over my outfit, and then she finally went to MY closet to look for clothes. We settled on a black tank top, light high-waisted shorts, and my army green jacket. Once the clothes were settled she finally submitted to making me, still look like me. The makeup was neutral colored, and she added more body into my hair.

“Now you have that more intense beach wave look. It suits you, and it’s cute” she smiled, letting me finally look at myself. I’m not going to lie, I was feeling pretty damn confident in myself right now. The best part was that I still looked like me, just a little cuter. “You’re a work of art, now hurry up Jimin is going to be here in a little bit. JB should be here in a few minutes as well.”

I texted Jimin, letting him know I was ready. He replied that he was almost at the campus, and that he’ll be here soon. A knock at the door brought me to my feet, rushing to the door with excitement. I was really hoping for a good reaction from Jimin, since he usually sees me sleep deprived and not at my best. “Hey Jimi… Oh it’s you.” “Well nice to see you too ‘Best Friend” JB mocked, giving me a slight hug while entering.

“Sorry I’m just waiting for Jimin and he said he’d be here soon so I assumed it was him.”

“Wow, I’m hurt. You’re not even excited to see me anymore. What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment?”

“You keep coming over uninvited?”

“That’s not the point,” he laughed. He gave me a quick scan before returning his eyes back to mine, “You look good. Trying to impress a guy I assume?”

“Well now that I’m back in the dating game, I guess I better put some effort into it.”

“Admit it, I ruined you” Jaebum laughed, shaking his head side to side in a joking matter.

“You completely destroyed me, I’ll never be the same now” I rolled my eyes, cracking a huge smile.

“Seriously though Micah, you look good. I’m happy for you.” I felt a blush creep over my cheeks before adverting my eyes to the front door as the knocking sound protruded from it.

“Well I better go, I’ll see you later. Have fun with Amie, not too much fun though!”

“Same with you!” He called after me, as I closed the door behind him. He only caught a glimpse of Jimin’s face, the two of them sending each other a small smile.

Jimin was a kind guy, and was super sweet. You could tell by his little actions that he was super careful with every move, and he was also very caring and adorable. We saw a puppy running around in the parking lot after it escape from its owner, and oh my Lord, I’ve never seen a man act cuter with a puppy before. It made me want to plant a huge kiss on his plump lips, and squeeze him to death. Jimin was so kind to every person we met, making sure to say thank you and respectfully greet the people we came in contact with.

I got to know the little details about him and his life. His family had been running the little coffee shop his grandmother opened, on the side of their everyday jobs. Jimin had offered to basically take over as manager for the mornings because of his classes, and the pay was really good because of number of “hangry” students that stopped by. The most interesting thing I had learned about him was that he was actually a contemporary dancer, and could sing as well. Though he was too shy to sing in public, and promised to sing for me another time.

The date as a whole was really good, I enjoyed myself. Though there was a tiny piece of me who also couldn’t deny that we didn’t really have the relationship chemistry. He was an amazing guy, and he was really attractive, but we were also, really different. He was a morning person who cared so much about other, and was this bubbly ray of sunshine. Myself on the other hand, was a night owl who would cause murder if I was awoken too early for my own liking. I also had the tendency to be a little bit of a moody person and sometimes I can act like a total jerk. That was kind of the reason JB and I worked well together. We were always watching out for each other when our personalities were at their worst. We also understood how each other felt because we both know how it feels.

Maybe I wasn’t acting being sarcastic when I said JB ruined me, because there was a little bit of truth to that. I was always kind of comparing guys to JB. I realize now that maybe I just need to talk to JB about it. We never really had a proper conversation after the break up. We just instantly went back to friends, and just swept the feelings under the rug. Maybe it was time that we talk about things, especially if the two of us feel it’s time to properly start moving on. I couldn’t do that to Jimin anyways. That’s the worst thing I could probably do; starting a relationship with him before I even properly figure out my feelings for my best friend.

Jimin dropped me off at my dorm, which was still empty at the time. I invited him in for a little bit to thank him for taking me out and share some of the cake we bought from the bakery before we arrived. In the end, the evening was really nice. I had fun, and promised that we’d hang out a little more… as friends. I gave him a big hug before saying goodbye. It hadn’t been more than a minute or two when I noticed he had left his headphone on the counter. I grabbed them, slipping on my shoes and swung open the door. As soon as I lifted my head I was stunned to see two bodies in front of me. JB and Amie, planting a deep kiss on each other.

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