#I mainly feel treasured by one (1) IRL friend up to 3 sometimes

[shatterthefragments]

Saw a positive post and it’s in my likes/drafts (I use my likes as a secondary drafts when I have too many drafts and it’s overwhelming) but uh whining below bc it’s. Uh. Yeah. Giving me major Feelings about an old friend.

All we ever did was hold onto our history without regard for if we should have a future. (I wonder if her maybe attempt to message me again over a year ago was to invite me to her wedding? She never got to it if she did mean to. Maybe she just realized we weren’t that close anymore with our little catch up) (as soon as you unfollow me I am unfollowing you too but I can’t just burn every bridge with my hometown while I still live in it)

No. I am not letting you back in my life.

All you ever caused me was grief. All you gave me was more stress.

And all we did was hold onto the fact that we went to preschool together. How cool is it that we’ve been friends our whole lives?!

And then we went to school together after a while separated and it was awesome to reconnect.

And then we fell apart but we caught up again when we bused home sometimes

(I would sometimes book it to the bus stop to catch an earlier bus if I didn’t have socialization in me at the time)

And in high school i just felt. So used. Once I had my license and all I already felt like a chauffeur to my family but then I also felt like one to you.

And I KNOW especially back then it was so much easier for me to visit you then you to visit me. (I NEED SOMETHING BACK I NEED JUST A SMIDGEN OF RECIPROCITY I JUST. I need a hug)

But then in college too.

And you ask me to do something for you.

And I do it.

And I really had a bad experience and. I. *screams*

I had just stopped thinking about it.

I serve. I serve others.

But fuck why does it always end up so negatively for me 😭. (Collecting bad experiences like they’re Pokémon)

And then we continued to sometimes see each other on the bus home but not that often.

And now you’re graduated and married and

You still follow my sister and I and a bunch of our other classmates.

I can’t burn it all down while I still live here

I can just. Avoid.

And with every card I make and every gift I send mum questions if anyone ever does the same to me as if I’m not an exact copy of her and wanting to make the people I love happy (which I have other feelings about) (but in several of my relationships it’s worth it. I sometimes even feel treasured)

I don’t love you.

(I dont even miss you)

And then ghosting me for so long when we were going to go on a trip together. We had a great time without you btw.

And everyone agrees that you owe me an apology over that.

And I will almost certainly never get one.

(The positions you put me in. I’m fine. But I don’t appreciate it at all)

I don’t miss you.

I only miss my peace of mind that if say. The day before we leave or the day we leave I feel fairly sure I’m actually going to see my friend(s). Things come up. Just message.