#I love Roman history it's basically a bunch of over-dramatic Italians committing the worst war crimes possible

[chantylay]

Since it’s Happy Murder a Bitch day I decided to actually tell some people whomst the Caesar was at the time of his murder, since a lot of, you know, ‘para-historical’ facts about Caesar go around, although the memes are funny. So the first thing to note is that our bitch Gaius Jules Salad was not the first dictator the Roman Republic had within his lifetime. Sulla, another bitch, had taken power in Rome by force and made himself dictator whilst Salad boi was a young man, in a bitter power struggle with his opponent, Salad boi’s uncle (also Gaius because Romans are shit at names). This resulted in a lot of bloody political purges and violence and bad shit and was generally regarded as bad. Since Salad boi was, ya know, Sulla’s archnemesis’s nephew he got the fuck out of dodge and went into the military instead of becoming a priest, which he was initially, and became very good at the le stab. Anyway after experiencing the shitty clusterfuck that was Sulla and other Gaius’s rivalry, Salad boi got into politics, and got a reputation for two things: being an anti-corruption campaigner, and having a squeaky voice that sounded like what happens when an Italian man completely smashed on red wine huffs a bunch of helium. Since he was fucking over people who were fucking over The Poors this got him a lot of political support from said The Poors. He also ordered lavish games and other expensive shit to get him more support from The Poors, which was expensivus on his walletus so he got into a lot of debt. To get out of such debt, he became politically indebted to one evil fucko named Crassus, who was having a political spat with another fucko named Pompeius. So anyway because Caesar is very popular (he’s also the governor of Spain at this point and did some conquesting thereabouts, which also got him political points because This Is Rome and conquest=good to the average Roman because the rich fuckos get more slaves and the poor fuckos get more land to live on that isn’t made of urban decay, poverty, and rat feces) he gets made consul. Basically co-president, because the Romans decided that one president was Not Enough so they had two. At this point because he was the president and evil fucko Crassus was his money daddy, he basically went up to Pompeius and said in a voice that would make Mickey Mouse cry ‘yo how about we all rule this bitch together because that Sulla shit was terrible’. So they do and the three of them are basically Rome’s political overlording Big Men at that point. This was unpopular with The Aristocrats because Caesar favoured policies like ‘what if we gave the poors more land so they don’t fucking starve’ to which The Aristocrats responded ‘But my slaaaave plantations’ to which the Big Men replied ‘we have swords’. So the policy went through. However Caesar was still big fucking in debt and although his money daddy Crassus was staving the debt collectors off, he still needed a payout. So naturally, Caesar decides to commit a massive genocide, enslavement, and conquesting on all of Fronce the available nearby Celtic people to get rich quick because he was still in control of an army. This worked and was a catastrophe and made him a fuckwad of epic proportions. This unfortunately did not make his testicles drop and his voice got no deeper. There’s a bunch of history wankers who like to go on about how good of a general and politician Caesar was here but in reality he was pretty mid and got by on genocide, getting lucky, and abusing Rome’s political allies among the Celtic states. Oh yeah that meant he was in biggums trouble because he’d abused Rome’s political allies and conquested a bunch of people who were meant to be Rome’s friends. Ooops. Money tho. Whilst he was conquesting his money daddy Crassus was killed in Epic Style by the Persian Parthian Empire trying to do his own get richer quick scheme, and Pompeius, being the voice of The Aristocracy in the Big Men alliance to Caesar’s The Poors and Crassus’s ‘I’m Rich’, was Not Happy, also because Caesar had outstripped him in power. In the ensuing political struggle, Pompeius and The Aristocracy faction stripped Caesar of power, yote him from Rome and declared him Publicus Enemius Primarius. So naturally Caesar invaded Rome with his army because fuck those bitches, and said something along the lines of ‘I always roll 20s’. His enemies, not expecting such a move (for some reason? the man had a fucking army) lol noped out of Rome and fled Italy. After a brief civil war that Salad boi nearly cocked up but Pompeius cocked up first, Pompeius legged it to Egypt and was assassinated by the 15-year-old Greek Pharaoh for being a bitch. During this time Caesar was made temporary dictator, a position he resigned from and was elected co-president again instead, because it was kind of redundant to have a 1-year dictatorship when you can just be elected co-president. Anyway he beat the shit out of that fifteen year old for assassinating his former Big Men buddy and banged the kid’s sister, who was also the new Pharaoh, and honestly a more competent ruler than Salad boi. ‘I always roll 20s’ was seeming to be a pretty good statement at this point. Team Salad-Poors then proceeded to beat the shit out of anyone still trying to be Team Aristocracy and There Was Peace. People were so happy about There Was Peace that Salad boi was made a 1-year dictator. For 10 years in a row. Also because The Aristocrats probably had brown togas, despite Caesar declaring that ‘all will be forgiven, I really don’t care that you guys all supported my Best Friend and fellow Biggus Mannus Pompeius, hwo is dead, over me’. So anyway with his newly gained massive political power he undermines every other political institution in Rome to increase the size of his salad his own political power to institute Massive and Sweeping Social Reforms that basically centralised provincial political power to make governing the Roman Republic’s Empire easier, gave governors term limits, got rid of a quarter of Rome’s private debt (which made The Poors very happy), cracked down on various corruption issues, passed restrictions on the purchasing of luxury goods (which made The Aristocrats very upset), made a child tax credit (kinda), did a bunch of land reform and repopulation efforts after all the wars, and extended the political rights of The Poors Not Of Roman Origin Whomst Were Not Slaves. Also he made the calendar less shit so it was the same day every year at the same time. He was then made Dictatorius Foreverius because at this point he basically ran Roman politics and was more popular with the average Roman than if he had singlehandedly invented pasta and meat sauce 1000 years early. This made The Aristocracy, uh, mad, because then none of them would get to be Rome Co-President and all these reforms benefiting The Poors were not benefiting Them. So basically Salad boi shows up to the Senate on the day of Halfway Through Mars’ Month Day, and is fucking stab-stabbed to death-fuck by all the Rich boi Senators on the STEPS of the Senate (not in the debating chamber like in all the paintings, they did this in public) and declared they had Brought Peace To Rome and Brought Freedom And Liberty because the dictator was dead and now they could go back to the old ways of fucking The Poors over and rotating who got to be Rome Presidents. So naturally they had just started the Biggest Fucking Political Bloodbath In Roman History Up To That Point Which Few Of Them Would Survive. Happy Stab A Salad day!