#I looked in the DSM and I have literally 17 out of 24 symptoms of ADHD

[popcorn-plots]

ugggg I'm failing this one class because my teacher won't accept late work unless you have "a good excuse" and my "I'm not home until 9 PM most days" isn't a good excuse because in theory, I have time to do homework.

and I know my teacher is going to tell me that I shouldn't have an excuse because we did the assignment in class. My excuse for that is that I'm going through the ringer with my mental health and I'm having a hard time getting things done (and I have ADHD which isn't an excuse, but it's factor that makes it harder for me to get things done) but I don't have any "official" diagnosis aside from my therapist saying that I have anxiety.

And I don't know if "I'm involved in many extracurricular activities" is a good enough excuse.

I literally have straight As right now except for this one class. I would have an A if he accepted latework because "I was busy and legitimately forgot" is not a good enough excuse

[themishapofreality]

Do I have BPD? I know I shouldn’t self diagnosis but go on and read if you dare and tell me your piece. (PS: Hopefully it isn’t too much info for the internet but I felt I had to be as honest as possible in order for the best picture to be displayed.)

Borderline Personality Disorder – DSM 5 Criteria – Do I have it?

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

This one I might not fit into but at the same time that might just be because I’m looking at it from my own bias.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

I’m not sure about a pattern but there is definitely at least 1 unstable relationship in my history. A guy I fell “in love” with when I was dealing with a state of depression. I relied on him so heavily even though he was dating my best friend and eventually we stopped talking because he said, “it’s complicated” and I took that offensively. That was 4 years ago but I’ve missed him ever since and just the other day I tried getting back into contact with him. I think he might know I’m unwell again though because he didn’t reply a second time. And, I mean, maybe some of the guys I’ve spoken to online would fall under this one too but I think they fit more into criteria 4. 

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

I’m not sure it is so much persistently unstable but I have my ups and downs. From thinking I’m gorgeous to not recognizing my own face.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.)

I don’t know how to control myself around money. I got student loans in at the beginning of September and was buying things left and right. Including 6 bras, 2 of which I bought to impress a guy I met online. I also nearly bought some other things a guy online told me to buy but the next day I snapped back into reality and cancelled the order in a panic. So, sex, no, but sexting…yeah I go through phases of that. Though usually it’ll last a night but the most recent time it lasted 2 days. And I definitely binge eat, which is horrible and sad because this summer I was working towards eating healthily and even lost 30lbs but I think I may have fucked that up now because of binge eating. And this past weekend I got blackout drunk – there are parts of that night that I don’t remember. There’s a literal chance I passed out on the patio of the club for 2 hours but I’m not positive of that because the people I was with had left at that point, and on the way home I was way too out of it to look at my phone to check the time. And I threw up because of consuming so much alcohol which I have never done before.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

I haven’t self harmed since early 2013 and that only went on for less than a year but you can bet your bottom dollar I still think about doing it. I remember how calming it felt. But I haven’t done it since then. And there’s no suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats – I think – but I have recurring suicidal thoughts. But some people just live with that, right? Then again, I’m sure it isn’t healthy to be thinking up new ways you could die or research ways to commit suicide but the important thing is I’m not suicidal…right? My god, I better never voice these thoughts to actual physical humans who know me or I’d probably be locked up for forever. Wait, is thinking about ways to die technically suicidal behaviour even though I don’t act on them? I don’t even know…

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Depression? Check. Anxiety? Check. Most recently I had bad anxiety that made me not want to get out of bed, and I even skipped class for twice because of it. But before the anxiety was this almost hypomanic like period of a few weeks. I think it was induced by stress though because I was getting less sleep than normal (anywhere from 4-7 hours a night) but still felt like I was able to function well enough. This was also during the time in which I was recklessly spending money.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

I’m not sure what to say to this one other than “basically, yes”.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

I feel like the only time I can think of that would fit into this was in grade 12 when I lashed out at a teacher who was trying to help me. And by lash out I mean scream and maybe kick – I can’t really remember it fully.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

I mean, like I said earlier, I’ve had times where I don’t feel my face is my face. Where it just looks like it belongs to someone other than me. I know my head is on my body and in that head is my brain thinking these things and therefore that face is technically mine but for whatever reason it just doesn’t feel right.

(PS: I’m 24, and the earliest thing I mention here (with the teacher) was when I was 17).