#I know we've got another week before we properly reach the end of the year

[notbecauseofvictories]

50/50

Well, 2024 sure did...happen.

Anyway! I didn't set any sort of goal to watch 50 films and read 50 books this year, but that's where I ended up. Neither number is exactly accurate, and I'm leaving out television, revisiting what I've already read/watched, and all the ridiculous novels I pick up when I'm hungover, but still. I'm kind of impressed with myself. I didn't get to 50 books last year, and I don't think I've watched 50 movies in a year ever---but the more I watch them, the more I explore what they can do and communicate, the more I want to see. As a lifelong reader, it's interesting to explore a new kind of art, to try and intuit your way in through a strikingly different form of communicating the exact same humanness.

TOP FIVE 2024

FILMS

The Florida Project (2017)

Crimes of the Future (2022)

M (1931)

Something in the Dirt (2022)

We’re All Going to the World’s Fair (2021)

It's been months and months since I saw The Florida Project, and I still think about it. The bright and artificial sherbet coloring of it; the dank and mold and shadows that linger around the edges....Actually, I think of all these films in terms of their aesthetics first. Not that there wasn't a story there, but because they all represent such a marriage with form. Consider Crimes of the Future with its fading decay, its browns and rust; M with its stylized, refined cityscape even in the greyscale of 30s cinema; Something in the Dirt where every shot is mundane, or fantastical or both; and We're All Going to the World's Fair, with the particular blue-grey loneliness of the internet age. Surely the benefit of watching a movie (as opposed to anything else) is being presented with something to watch, and I like when directors and creative teams understand that.

Honorable mention to American Psycho (2000) since I'm still a little insane about it---or maybe Corsage (2022) because whether or not it was a good movie, it was nevertheless the most uncompromising, brutal portrait of a historical figure I've seen.

BOOKS

The Rehearsal, Eleanor Catton

Big Swiss, Jen Beagin

Vintner's Luck, Elizabeth Knox

Wylding Hall, Elizabeth Hand

Diavola, Jennifer Thorne

Some people may try to tell you that horror is a discrete genre---I am here to tell you that it's not. All great novels are horror stories, and those listed above especially. From The Rehearsal's self-important artistes, to the therapy-speak Millennials of Big Swiss, to the musicians of Wylding Hall (who miss every sign that Something Is Happening) and the Pace family of Diavola (who deny that the signs mean anything, even after fleeing their vacation home in the night)....all these novels are a study in people experiencing something painful, even terrible. And yet, that provides incredibly fertile territory for their authors to explore the things that come with horror---complicity, desire for closeness, narration and performance, the open wound of family, the thin netting of modernity that keeps us from plunging into something older and darker than we can comprehend.

The only exception might be Vintner's Luck. Not because it's not there as a theme, but because the novel itself spans the narrator's life. By the time he's middle-aged he's committed so many errors, he can't judge too harshly when others do. In this respect it's almost an answer to the questions horror poses---not just how do you survive this? but how do you go on, having survived that?

Honorable mention to Dead Inside, by Chandler Morrison, because it was stomach-turning in the very best way. Echoes of Cipher by Kathe Koja---when an author really knows, really understands, how to wield grossness without shirking or apologizing for it, the result is delightful.

Books of 2020 | Books of 2021 | Books of 2022 | Books of 2023

[peterrparrkerr]

Hit mad falls in love with target - read on ao3

*-*

Peter waved frantically at Tony when he walked into the lab, eyes glued to a computer screen.

"Tony, quick! Look!" He demanded, nearly vibrating in his chair.

Tony made his way over, hands clasped behind his back as he leaned over Peter's shoulder.

"Isn't it awesome?" The young man asked, waving his hands around.

"What am I looking at?" Tony asked.

"Its cancer," Peter said. He points to different colored lines in the graph, all jagged and fluctuating. "This is breast cancer, and this one is pancreatic, skin, lung."

Tony hums as Peter continues to list each colored line as a different form of cancer.

"I was able to isolate the individual cells from everything else, and- look, look!"

Peter snatches Tony by the shirt sleeve and tugs him from one monitor to the one on the other side of the lab. He taps his fingers on the screen, bouncing on his heels.

"These are the cells after being treated with non-radioactive therapy," Peter said, looking up at Tony. "The number of cancer cells is cut in half within a week!"

Peter then drags Tony across the lab again, babbling excitedly as he does so. "Do you know what this means? This means we can start human testing! And we can market the treatment for practically nothing!"

He shows Tony a live feed of the treatment in action from a TV monitor.

"Think about the possibilities," Peter grinned. "Anyone can get treated, no matter their financial standing. And the treatment isn't as harmful as chemo or radiation. It doesn't attack the body as a whole, it isolates the cancer cells and leaves the rest of the body alone.

"No more hair loss or side effects. And we could cut remission in half too," Peter said. "Just think, this time next year, we could start selling to hospitals all over the world."

Tony smiles down at the younger man. He had known within the first day of meeting Peter that he wouldn't be able to follow through. He's glad he hadn't.

"Have you told anybody else?" He asks casually.

"Ned knows," Peter said. "And Bruce, but they were here when it happened."

"Where are they now?"

Peter gives Tony a wry smile, still too excited about his treatment working.

"I sent them home a couple hours ago," he said. "We've all been awake for almost three days, so I'm sure they've gone to bed already."

"You should be in bed too, don't you think?" Tony asked, raising an eyebrow.

Peter waves him off, shaking his head as he goes to his work desk. "I'll sleep later," he said, pulling his lab coat off and draping it over the chair.

He's dressed in his usual outfit; comfortable pants and a button up.

"Plus, I knew you'd make your rounds around this time, and I wanted to tell you," Peter said with a grin, grabbing his personal items.

That was part of Tony's cover. A janitor for the building Peter worked for. Hes wearing a navy blue jump suit, though he's left the cart out in the hallway.

"I'll walk you to your car," Tony hums, leading the way out. When he'd first started this, he'd offered his company to get closer to Peter -to find his vulnerabilities.

Now though, he does it because he's protecting the young scientist.

He'd skipped out with 45 thousand dollars paid to kill the boy, but as the days had gone on, and Peter had grown comfortable with him, Tony realized he couldn't steal him from the world.

Peter was incredible. He worked tirelessly to find a cure for cancer. He's already created a new insulin for diabetes that he's made available to everyone for only $10 a month -something not many other medical professionals liked.

Peter was making enemies left and right, and Tony decided to make it his job to keep him breathing. If not for the rest of his life, then for as long as it takes for the young scientist to see an end to cancer.

The boy wasn't getting much in terms of money for his creations. In fact, from what Tony's come to learn, the boy doesn't own a car, and rents an apartment with his aunt. 

He sees enough to live paycheck to paycheck and this new treatment won't do much to better his life, but he's not concerned with money. He wants to make Healthcare more effective and affordable.

Tony's got morals. Enough of them to know when a hit is a bad investment. That didn't stop him from taking his payment anyway.

The two make it to the car park. Its dark, the overhead lights buzzing annoyingly. Its empty, save for a couple cars belonging to a few of the security guards, and the car Peter shares with his aunt.

It's an older model, grey paint chipping and metal beneath rusting near the wheels. Peter talks animatedly beside him, lands flailing in front of him.

Tony glances around them, scowling as he takes in the familiar cement structure.

"Wait," Tony says, just as Peter's pulling the keys from his pocket. They're a couple feet away from the car, and the hairs on Tony's arms and neck stand on end.

"What is it?" Peter asked curiously, reaching for the door handle.

It's just as Peter grips the handle that Tony sees the wire connected to the metal lock on the other side of the glass.

Tony is quick to react, grabbing Peter by the arms and wrenching him away from the door.

Peter yelps in surprise, but its cut out by the sound of a small explosion. Tony braces for the blast of air that knocks the two off their feet, and grits his teeth at the heat that follows.

Peter's pressed against the cement, Tony weighing down on him. His ears ring, but he quickly gets to his feet, unzipping his jumpsuit and grabbing the .9 mm from the waistband of his jeans.

The car is ablaze, crackle-popping and sizzling. Its just the cab thats on fire, but Tony knows its only a matter of seconds before the flames reach the engine and the fuel line.

Tony looks around him, trying to find the culprit -though he knows from experience that the man won't be here.

He grabs Peter by the armpits and pulls him to his feet. Blood smears against his forehead and jaw. His hands and arms are scraped up and Tony can tell his knees are busted too, but it doesn't look like anything damaging.

"We gotta go," Tony urges, already half dragging the younger back towards the building.

"You-you have a gun," Peter gapes, stumbling after Tony, arm in the older's hard grip. "Why do you have a gun?"

Tony reaches the door for the stairwell.

"I'm a hired gun," Tony said, glancing up, then down, gun following his eyeline before pushing Peter towards the stairs going up.

"I thought you were a janitor," Peter gasped, climbing the stairs and swaying. Tony places his free hand on Peter's lower back.

"Thats just a front," Tony confessed. "We got to get you out of here."

"Someone blew up my car," Peter said, panting as they continue up to the first floor. "Aunt May is gonna kill me."

"Not if Buck doesn't kill you first," Tony grunted, pulling Peter out of the stairwell and into the main lobby.

Tony's car is around the side of the building, but its open to attack. Tony can't keep Peter trapped inside the building though, so he risks it.

Their feet slap loudly on the asphalt as they run for the nondescript black SUV Tony had taken to driving.

He checks around the vehicle, under and inside before issuing Peter into the back seat.

Tires screech as Tony peels out of the parking lot.

"What- whats happening? Tony, what- why do-"

"Someones trying to kill you, Peter," Tony said, blowing past the guard tower at the exit of the parking lot.

"But why?" Peter asked dumbly, voice slurring slightly as more blood turns the side of his face crimson.

"I'll answer all your questions when we're safe," Tony promised, eyes frantically shifting from the area ahead of him to the rear view mirror.

Peter must really be feeling the effects of his head slamming into the concrete, because he doesn't protest.

"Lay down," Tony orders, merging into traffic and slowing down. "Lay low until I say."

Peter does -Tony thinks mostly because of his head injury. Tony relaxes a little, knowing the scientist won't be gunned down in the back seat.

"Where are you taking me?"

"Somewhere safe," Tony answered, keeping an eye behind him.

He doesn't see a tail, but he takes a round-about way to his safe house, just outside of Queens.

When they get to the small cabin, Tony checks the building before helping Peter inside.

"I think I have a concussion," Peter mumbles, swaying on his feet as Tony guides him to the kitchen chair.

"I don't doubt it," Tony agrees, setting his gun down on the table beside Peter's elbow before grabbing the first aid kit.

He pulls another chair over in front of the young scientist and opens the red box.

"Let me see your hands," Tony orders. Peter does, palms up. Tony begins to clean them and his arms.

"Tony," Peter says, breaking the silence. Tony doesn't say anything. He reaches up to clean the blood from the side of Peter's cheek.

"Is your name actually Tony?"

Tony makes eye contact before nodding.

"And you're a hired gun?" Peter asks, slightly breathless. "Like, like a hitman?"

"Yes," Tony answers, reaching the cut on Peter's hairline. Peter winces, but doesn't pull away.

"You kill people for a living?"

"Yes."

It takes Peter a couple seconds, but it seems to hit him. Hes bolting to his feet, the chair clattering behind him.

Tony leans back into the chair, watching as Peter begins to pace.

"What- Tony, you have to tell me whats going on," Peter demands, hand on his head. Tony knows from experience that pacing tends to help the scientist expell excess energy.

"I will," Tony nods. Peter continues his pacing. Back and forth beside the kitchen counter.

"Why- why are people trying to kill me?" He demanded. "Who blew up my car?"

Tony sets the paper towels down on the table, knowing Peter won't sit still for him to properly tend to him.

"The one who blew up your car is another hitman," Tony said. "Goes by the name Winter Soldier."

"You called him Buck," Peter said, pointing an accusatory finger at Tony, eyes narrowed.

"I did," Tony nodded. "Hitmen tend to run in the same circles, though we don't always like each other. Bucky was probably hired to finish the job."

"Finish the job," Peter repeated dumbly. "I'm the job?"

Tony nods, once more letting Peter process. He knew Peter would figure it out without Tony's help. He was smart.

"Finish the job means someone already tried to- to kill me," Peter said, panting as he continued to pace. The wound at his hairline is bleeding sluggishly, dripping down his temple and towards his jaw.

Peter wipes at it without thought, smearing blood against his cheek. He pauses to look down at his hand, fingers glistening in red.

He touches his forehead again, as if remembering he's still injured, then turns to Tony, accusation and fear in his Bambi brown eyes.

"You," he said softly, in disbelief. "You were hired to kill me, weren't you."

"I was," Tony nodded.

"But you haven't," Peter said. Tony can practically see the gears turning behind his eyes. "And, and now whoever hired you hired the Winter Soldier."

Tony only nods. Peter takes a shuddering inhale and has to grip the counter with a bloody hand to stabilize himself.

"I'm- I'm- who- who would want to-to kill me?!"

"The payment was anonymous," Tony said. "Thats how it works. But whoever it is is threatened by you."

Peter looks at Tony incredulously. "Me? Why me? I'm the least threatening person -like- ever!"

"You've cost Big Pharma millions with your insulin," Tony said. "You've patented it, so they can't take it and upcharge the way they've been doing. And if your treatment for cancer is a success, you'd be costing them even more."

Peter takes a moment to process that before he nods. "Right, yeah. I knew I was going to make a lot of people mad about that, but. But I never expected anyone to actually try to kill me."

"Money is a powerful motive," Tony said, a little too much experience leaking into his tone.

Peter hears it, because he stops his pacing, shoulders dropping. Exhaustion seems to pull him towards the floor like an anvil tied to his spine.

He sways a little, and Tony's about to offer him the chair again, but he moves to it willingly. When he sits, their knees are barely touching, and he blinks dazedly at his bloody hand.

Tony grabs a clean rag and leans forward to clean up the blood from Peter's head. The younger lets him, still processing and no doubt sluggish from the concussion.

"Why didn't you?" Peter asked after Tony had taped gauze to his hairline. It was patchy and poorly done, but it would help.

"Why didn't I what," Tony hummed, using an alcoholic wet wipe to clean the remaining blood from Peter's hands. The boy winces at the burn to his scraped palms.

"Kill me," he said, swallowing thickly. "You had plenty of opportunity."

Tony sighed, setting the wipes down before leaning forward and looking Peter in the eye.

"Because I believe in the work you're doing," he said honestly. "And I'm going to make sure you finish it."

Peter blinks once, twice, before breaking eye contact and sighing, body eating to melt into the chair as the air leaves his lungs.

"Come on," Tony said, standing up and slipping the gun into the waistband of his pants. Then offering his hand. "This place is safe. Theres a bed you can sleep in."

"I shouldn't sleep with a concussion," Peter said weakly, taking Tony's offered hand anyway.

"Its mild, I'm sure you'll be fine," Tony mused, heading deeper into the cabin to the bedroom.

The bedroom isn't anything special. A twin bed in the corner, a four drawer dresser and a blackout curtain.

Peter climbs onto the bed, not bothering with the covers or taking his shoes off. Tony thinks its best he sleep with them on anyway, in case Bucky finds them.

Tony moves to leave, grabbing the handle, and Peter bolts upright again, eyes wide.

"You're okay," Tony promises. "I'll be right outside."

Peter gives the barest shake of his head. "Stay here, please," he says softly.

Tony nods, shutting the door and turning off the light before making his way to the side of the bed. Theres an old step stool there, and he sits down at the head of the bed.

Peter lays back down, body too tense to ever fall asleep. Tony keeps his ears attuned to any noise that could alert him to Bucky, or anyone else, gun sitting perfectly stop on his knee, finger off the trigger, but ready at a moments notice.

"Tony?"

"Yes, Peter."

Peter shuffles around, and Tony turns his head just in time to feel pillow soft lips connect with the corner of his mouth.

He can't help but smirk as Peter settles back down. "Thanks for not killing me."

Tony chuckles at that, leaning his head against the wall. "I may be a hitman, but I've got morals," he says into the dark room. "Besides, nobody likes cancer."

Peter laughs tiredly at that before reaching his hand out and grabbing Tony's. Their fingers interlock, and Tony doesn't really know which one of them initiated it.

"You're going to be okay," Tony continued. "I wont let anyone hurt you. You're safe with me."

"I know."

[lilac-castle-in-the-sky]

Illicit Affairs

Part 1- Laufeyson

Part 2

Few things in this world make me lose my temper, making me waste my time is one of them. It's been a few weeks since we chose our theme for the project and a tutor was assigned to us, every other team has already had their first sessions with their respective professor, but us? We've been trying to reach the man for weeks, but he is always busy, out of town, or sick.

If the man had no time to help us out, why say yes in the first place?

It's 6:30 a.m. and I'm frantically running through campus. A few days ago, my e-mails finally received a positive answer, but instead of a reasonable hour, the guy finally set the time to 6:30 in the morning today, saying he was going to be busy for the rest of the day and could only give us an hour and half of his time.

My alarm didn't sound this morning, I've woken up by sheer luck alone, and when I checked my phone realized that I had set it for 6:30 p.m. it was 6: 07 when I finally got out of bed, I didn't even shower properly, grabbed a store-bought bagel and stormed out of my dorm at 6:27. It was a ten minute walk from my building to his office, so I ran.

I had no idea how mad he was going to be if I showed up late, if he was even going to be bothered. All we knew was that the guy was an eminence, we were told how lucky we were to end up with that subject, Professor Laufeyson was one of the most capable people in the faculty, holding already one PhD and studying to have another one.

Perhaps that's why he was always so busy. Still, I thought that intelligence was not a good excuse for impoliteness, and I considered repeatedly rejecting my suggestions for a meeting without much explanation other than "I have matters to attend to" tremendously impolite.

It's 6:34 when I get to the front of the building, cursing the man for having a third-floor office in a building without an elevator. Albert Hall is one of the oldest buildings on campus, it has its own 100 year old elevator, but the thing spends more time damaged than functional, and honestly I would much rather take my chances having a heart attack while going up the stairs, than to risk getting trapped in a metal coffin.

When I finally reach the top of the stairs I find myself standing in front of a pair of wooden doors. They are tall and broad and not a single sound can be heard through them. I know it’s his office because a bronze plaque with his name on it announces it.

Professor Loki Laufeyson. MD, MSc, PhD.

“Are you here for the project?” i turn around in the direction of the voice and find a woman in her thirties looking at me, peaking through another one of the doors in the floor, when i nod she smiles “you can knock, he said he would let you in” her voice is sweet and calming, Professors, specially those with an academic reputation as good as Laufeyson, tend to be idiots, so maybe i won’t be scolded for getting here 7 minutes late.

the man has more titles than a fucking library.

“Thank you” I say, breathing heavily because of my recent physical activity, i turn towards the door and knock twice, I hold my breath and seconds later Emily’s face welcomes me, she doesn’t look scared which is a good sign. Laufeyson might not be angry at me.

“I thought you wouldn’t come,” she whispers as I pass by her side.

“i set my alarm for the afternoon instead of the morning”  i whisper back, inside the office the remaining two members of your group, Dan and Jeremy, are distracted looking through their notes. I then lay eyes on Professor Laufeyson and all the air leaves my lungs, as if I wasn't having trouble keeping it there already.

He is beautiful. When i heard about him before i imagined an old sixty year old dude with white hair and glasses, Laufeyson however might be around forty years old. His black hair is long and hangs over his forehead framing the most beautiful pair of blue eyes I've seen. I feel as if his gaze pierces my soul, a subtle stubble hugs his jaw and I have to remind myself how to speak when his deep voice pronounces my name, welcoming me.

“Miss Galloway, come inside” his velvety voice surrounds me, not helpful at all in my task of recovering my breath, he notices my heavy breathing, the rapid movements of my chest, never before had I been so aware of someone's eyes over my body as I am now “did you run here?”

“yes” i don’t think he expected my answer, in fact i’m sure he was just trying to be sarcastic “i ha- had some trouble with my alarm clock” that’s hardly an appropriate apology, but my brain has stopped working, my cheeks color pink with embarrassment as i walk towards one of the empty chairs in front of his desk, he must think i’m an idiot.

“May I offer a glass of water?” he gestures towards Emily not to close the door, but the thought of wasting more time because of me mortifies me, we have lost enough.

“no, I'm fine, I don't want to delay us any further, I know you are a busy man” he observes me as I leave my bag on the floor and sit. I wonder if it’s just my imagination, or if his gaze is as intense as it feels .

“very well then, where were we?” his tone changes as he speaks towards the rest of the people in his office once again. I can finally start breathing properly again, who is this guy? I'm half thankful, half mad he isn’t one of our professors, I wouldn't mind getting up for the 7 a.m lecture if he were the one teaching it, but then again I doubt I would manage enough concentration to learn much anyways.

I take out my notes as I listen to Dan speaking, it appears they have just started so I use the contents of my notes to pull my thoughts as far from Professor Laufeyson as I can. He makes a question, and silence follows. I look towards Dan who moves in his seat looking uncomfortable, the question is not that difficult, but the answer isn’t obvious either.

When I look towards Laufeyson to give my answer I find he is already looking at me, and I can't help it, i lick my lips which redirect his gaze towards them. I move around in my seat until I can finally find my voice.

it’s firm, because I know what I’m talking about, he leans back in his chair with a pleased look and continues to question me, I answer correctly again and he smiles, I lift my chin proudly and he is forced to stop looking at me, he looks away reluctantly to observe Emily, he asks her a question, i turn towards dan, who looks at me with furrowed brows.

Of course, if I notice the way Laufeyson looks at me, so do they. The last thing I need is a rumor about how I slept with him to get a good grade, so I find myself avoiding his gaze for the rest of the meeting. I can feel him glancing at me from time to time. When he realizes that I’m avoiding him, he begins to question me, sending difficult question after difficult question my way, which makes me angry.

What right does he have? None. He asks me things that none of my other classmates would know, and I am barely able to answer them. I don't know if he is punishing me because I have stopped making fuck-me eyes at him or because I was late, but whatever reason he thinks he has, he is completely wrong. Finally the clock strikes 8 and Laufeyson leans back in his seat leaving Emily with the task of answering her question in the next session, my friend relaxes next to me, her foot finally stops rocking up and down and she imitates Laufeyson and rests her back on the chair.

“This was a very productive meeting, I am very pleased with everyone's work, Miss Galloway, I’m surprised” I raised an eyebrow at him, but thank him anyways,he  obviously did not expect me to be able to even come close to answer his questions so what was his purpose? “I will be in contact with you for our next meeting”

“I was hoping it could be this week” I know it’s way too soon, especially considering the number of stuff that he said we should investigate further, but the rest of the groups are weeks ahead of us - our first presentation is next Monday, and we are behind the rest.

He considers it as he crosses his arms in front of his body and I think what a shame it is that his cashmere sweater does not adequately show his muscles. How does he keep in shape if it seems that he barely finds time to breathe ?

“Does friday at 5 work for you?”

“in the morning?” Emily asks, horrified, Laufeyson laughs.

“in the afternoon”

“Yeah, that works for us” Jeremy answers.

“I'll see you then” Laufeyson extends his hand and Jeremy shakes it, then Dan, then Emily and finally it is my turn. His hand feels hot, and it’s so big it could cover mine completely, he looks into my eyes as we shake hands and i’m tempted to do anything to ensure i keep his attention, or to make sure that i’ll have it for myself later, but then i remember Dan has been observing me and i abstain from doing anything that would cost me later, i let go of his hand and leave with the rest of my classmates.

Emily waits until we are alone to speak.

“You are such a whore” she laughs, my cheeks turn bright red “i swear i thought you and Laufeyson were going to go at it in his desks in front of us.

“it crossed my mind” i admit “but he is kind of an asshole.

“oh yeah, the questionnaire part was very entertaining” she says, remembering the part when he shot question after question my way looking entertained by my mediocre attempts at a response “you were driving him crazy”

"me? He was the one who fired impossible questions at me without any type of mercy"

"I would have done the same if you bit your lip like that before answering anything to me as well"

I'm about to tell her that I don't know what she means when it occurs to me to lick my lower lip and I feel it, the marks where I've been mercilessly sinking my teeth for the last hour and a half. It is not a mystery that the man continued to throw questions at me.

[irepookie]

INFINITY

Summary: QUEEN AU where Rog (aka Rowan Queen) is young single dad struggling to make it into music industry.

Warnings: Fluff, Fluff, Fluff, and swearing.

Word Count: 1926

Okay so this is the closest picture I could find to Row's state in the next two chapters:

Chapter 2: PIPER

Row has a lot questions to ask himself, and he knows it's on only his own future at stake, but also The Prune's, who may be getting a name.

Of all the things Rowan Queen might have aspired to be, -a Rockstar, a Roger Taylor level drummer...- a 19 year old solo dad wasn't amongst them.

All he knew was that since he had first held that small Wrinkly being and her eyes had met his, she had stolen a part of him, and that the only way to feel completed again was being with her.

Ridiculously sappy, he knew.

"But that's what makes best parents" Callie, the nurse who had introduced them assured him one day when he confessed his thoughts out loud, while he watched her sponge bath the infant "Don't feel stupid, or embarrassed for feeling that way, Row. In fact, that's exactly how it should be. Always. And those fathers who deny it or fight that connection, end up estranged from their kids as they grow up. Take it from a daughter who hasn't seen her father in 5 years"

But, alas, there he was, living between his flat and the Hospital's newborn aisle, because he just couldn't get that one girl out his head, despite don't knowing how he had come to this.

"Well I haven't seen mine in 9"

"And that scares you, don't it?"

He gasped, and nodded slowly.

"Is better having no father figure at all than having a bad one. Just like I think your Prune is luckier having one brave dad than a coward mom"

"And two fit parents?" He asked, eyes flicking to the untouched pile of adoption papers

"Well that's the ideal situation, isn't it? But the weight always ends up relaying more on the mother, you know? The father always steps back, because society still thinks it's more acceptable for us women to raise the children because, of course, we have deeper connection with 'em for carrying them around for nine months and blah blah blah." She got the towel and handed it to him before laying the squirming 2 day old In his arms.

He carefully wrapped it around her and sat down so he wouldn't drop her, then started to stroke her soft delicate skin with the towel.

"But that's bullshit." Callie continued "That's an excuse you men came up with to sneak out from changing nappies. But I believe you guys are just as capable of taking care of children as us. And that you might be the ultimate proof of it." She gathered her hair in a ponytail, and smiled at father and daughter, as Row was now

leaning back on the rocking chair with the Prune, -as all the staff had begun to call her- laid on his bare chest.

"So forget whatever prejudices you have. This kid needs you, she doesn't know nothing about what's going on, she misses her little warm oven, the voice she was so used to hear and that she'll never hear again because that world has left her behind the first chance she got and she's very confused.

But also, She doesn't know about gender stereotypes, or that she's a girl. But she knows you're here. And her instincts tell her you're safety, and warmth, and love. Sure, I'm around a lot too, but soon you'll be discharged and everything she'll have will be you. A d then she'll grow up and will be forever grateful for everything you will have done for her"

The teen nodded, taking in all the words but remaining silent. Quiet moments like this -when she was calm and content- were quite meaningful.

"I just want the best for her. And I'm not sure I am"

"Well, from where I'm standing, you're pretty much up there. Nobody gets her to settle down as quickly as you do. That has to mean something, right? Newborns have this amazing instinct of detecting sources of love and protection. And you are hers. She trusts you: trust yourself"

Days went by, and Row found himself getting up early in order to go back to hospital. At home he was restless, as questions filled his head.

Was she better off with him?

Was he ready?

How could Callie be so much more sure about the whole thing than he was?

What if be wasn't good enough

What if mom was right?

Why did he want to become a dad in the first place?

Should he just sign those papers before it was too late and forget the whole thing?

The sixth day, he made his way to the hospital as usual, but something felt off. What it was? He couldn't put a finger on it, so he shrugged it off and entered the NICU area where she was.

"Hey, lovely one, look at you, a bit bigger each day" he cooed at his yet unnamed daughter, as he put his hand through the incubator hole to let her know his ore6 "So strong and so beautiful" he smiled brightly as her small hand closed around his finger.

"Yes, this way please" he heard a male voice and turned his eyes to see a doctor and a man and a woman who were probably in their thirties

"Oh my gosh she's so tiny!" The woman exclaimed, walking towards the glass

"Who are you?" Row asked, stepping defensively in front of her before she could reach the baby.

"You must be Rowan Queen?" The man held his hand out "We're the adopting couple..."

"What?" He basically slapped it away "No! Who told you she's in for adoption?"

"Mister, you signed the adoption papers" the Doctor said

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did. Here" the doctor looked through the pile of papers on his hands and showed him.

He snatched the file from him. That was his signature but he didn't remember signing anything. He may have doubts about being a dad, but Callie was right, the little prune and him needed each other. They belonged together And he wasn't gonna give her away. The only way was through.

"There must be a mistake. She's not up for adoption"

"Err... Yes she is" the man said

"No she's not! I should know better than you, huh?"

"We've heard about the mother. So sad. But babies need their mommys, don't they?" The woman cooed from the other side of the incubator

"You can't take her" if looks could kill, Row would have murdered her right then and there.

"Mister..."

"No! He's my daughter!"

"Sir, signing this you gave up your parental rights"

"And what the hell does that even mean?"

"Legally, she's not yours anymore"

"But I don't remember signing anything!"

"But this is your signature"

"Yes. But I... I didn't mean it"

The woman scoffed "Well you clearly did."

"Mind your fucking business!" He snapped, before turning to the doctor "Look, I really don't know how my signature is there but I need you to... I don't know, forget it, okay?"

"Forget it?"

"Yes! Whatever that stupid paper says, I'm keeping her. And I will do everything you want me to"

"Sorry. There's nothing we can do about it now. You could take this to court but... It's a lost cause"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"A 19 year old against a healthy, stable marriage?" He used the same arguments mom had

"But I'm her dad..." His voice quivered, as his baby started to cry.

"Don't worry sweetheart. Mommy and Daddy are here now" the woman said "Our Judy"

"Judy? What the fuck, you're not naming her Judy!"

"What we do with our daughter is our business, sir" the woman said "Now please, leave us alone"

"No! She's not Judy. She's my prune, I'm gonna prove to all of you fuckers wrong, because I can fucking do this if I want you. Not because I wanted to at first, or because I can't have my own kid like you; she's my own kid and she belongs with me. And I may not be a middle upper class, or drive a goddamn Mercedes, or have a huge house and a stable boring job at whatever office. And she may not have a goddamn mother, or her own room. So what? She has me. Because I'm the one who's been here for the whole bloody week worrying about her. Not you, not her mother. So fuck off and choose another kid!"

Two men who Row hadn't even seen arrive took him, as he fought and called his crying daughter "PIPER! PIPER! DADDY WILL GET YOU! I'M YOUR DAD, DON'T FORGET!"

Then he woke up with a jolt in that same hospital room, as his newborn baby awoke too beside him

He quickly sat up and leaned over to place a hand on her tummy, to check that she was real, letting out a sigh of relief when feeling her warm skin

It had been just a dream. Well, a nightmare rather than a dream. But she was there, safe next to him

"Hey, baby girl. Yes, hello darling. You had a good night? Gave trouble to the nurses?" he asked, stroking her torso "Are we hungry?" He offered his little finger,and she began to suck on it as response, which made him chuckle. "Alright, I'll call so they get us a bottle okay?"

3 minutes later, he was sitting on the green rocking chair, Baby Prune on his bare chest -because apparently skin to skin helped parents and kiddos bond or whatever- as he gave her the bottle.

He had to admit, ever since he had learned how to properly hold her, he looked forward to feeding, because he had grown to love these little moments, and by the end of them, be always felt closer and more in love with that tiny, wrinkled human being which he had helped make.

Who was a part of him somehow, and who he couldn't imagine his life without despite having only known her for 6 days.

She was so amazing. So mesmerizing. With her clear grey eyes and her peachy skin, and her adorable ears.

He just couldn't get his eyes off her.

"You're gonna come home with me in a couple days, and..." He realized he hadn't really thought about a plan. He had just moved out mom's, and the apartment was still empty. He'd have to start getting stuff. But anyway "... And we'll figure something out. I'm not gonna renounce to you. No ma'am. You've got me. And I've got you. And I'll look after you and make sure you're always happy and safe and... loved. I fucking love you so damn much and I don't even know how did this happen. I mean you're not even a week old and you've already turned my life upside down just by bloody existing. You can't even understand what I'm saying. But here I am, making all this plans and Shit... I, who never thinks ahead, who never knows his future beyond what meal he's gonna get. But I... Damn. Do you babies have like special powers or something? Do you like... Is it a defensive instinct? Like you manage to make us go nuts about you by casting a spell it whatever so we'll stay enchanted? Because this is fucking ridiculous."

She finished the bottle and he put it aside.

"Speaking about plans, we can't keep calling you Baby Prune. We're gonna have to choose a name. A pretty unique gorgeous name for a special, perfect little princess like you. So, let's see" he changed his hold on her so they were face to face. Something the nurses had called.. ? He wasn't really sure but he had got hand on it "Yes, hello" he smiled helplessly at the sight of her "Baby girl. Baby girl" he cooed absentmindedly as he analysed her features

Then he remembered his dream. He had called her Piper. He wasn't even sure if he had heard that name before but he liked it. It was original, cool, rare enough people would associate it with her but not awful, like other names he had heard.

"Piper" he whispered, tasting the word while contemplating her face. It sounded good to him. "Piper Queen" he said, a bit louder this time as her tiny hand closed around a strand of his blonde hair. "You like that? Piper?"

She just blinked, but he interpreted it as an affirmative answer

"It's settled, then. Piper. Pips for short." He smiled, and brought her back to his bare chest so he could lull her back to sleep with his rambling, which had worked the previous times.

"My Piper" he kissed her head and began to rub her back "I'm so scared honestly. I won't lie to ya, I have no idea what I'm doing but you can rely on me. I'm good at improvising so I'll figure it out. Don't worry. But you gotta take it easy, hm? If you have a bit of patience, it'll be just fine. And about this?" He reached for the papers -which were unsigned- and ripped them off "Fuck it. Just fuck it."

🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁

A big Hola to my dear fellow @definitely-darcy whose kind review and attention to detail has made gain confidence in this.

So, I've written this one in different bits which I've had to tie up together. Hope you guys like it.

That's about it, really. Please comment and let me know what you think (always nice and constructively).

Xx

~Pookie

[kyunsies]

Hello Mädch ahsdjaksdh <3 !!

how is college going? dw, I hope you are settling in super well and feeling optimistic about school and all the amazing things I know you are going to achieve this year! I am excited that you are starting your rotations now! you are going to do awesome, I know it! I'm sorry that you didn't get that ICU first like you wanted but hopefully it's all part of the plan so that you get it at the right time for you <3 let me know how they go, of course. I hope they go super well.

the week has been a bit weird to be honest, in my team I had a semi argument that was properly tense for the first time with someone and it was just so unpleasant. you know those people where they aren't horrible but you know that you'll never completely see eye to eye with them? i think it's just one of those things, where we'll never just completely read each other or get each other? and it's not, like, a massive issue or anything that we can't deal with, but I feel like usually I get on really well with people or not at all (all or nothing person I guess haha) but with this person I've just got to admit that we're always going to be a bit in the middle? like, we talked it over, and I've still found sometimes we misunderstand one another? so things are still good in work and clients, but with workpeople it has been the more difficult battle? hopefully we should get some more cool media stuff with the K-pop people soon, so that's an up?

OMGsh your coworkers are so much older than you! [lease do post a picture of your room, I am 100% confident that you have made it so dreamy and pretty. Thank you sm for telling me more about these operations though! I feel like everywhere is on red alert at the moment when it comes to health and care and making sure that people look after themselves and not put others at risk, you know? the doctors that to talk to me about my potential surgeries too have said the same but it's nice hearing it from a friend, you know? so thank youuuu <3 <3

I was the same as you, I would get so so so anxious and stressed if I wasn't studying or working or anything like that? but my mum is like your mum and grandma, where she gets up early too! but I feel like I need to do the late night thing instead? but then once I got into this crazy spiral where I would wake up really early and go to bed really late and like nap in between so I ended up like having two hours of sleep either side? that was peak wth at the time haha XD so now I try and let myself wake up a bit later really XD ha ha I'm in barely adulting! like I work so much but I don't earn a lot ha ha – I don't think that's very effective adulting? or like, I don't know I guess for a lot of people my age there's a work hard and hope it pays off thing in certain industries? so you're definitely more effectively adulting than me right now! like, you're going to do stuff that's gonna actively help people and you'll see that right in front of you, you know!!? sometimes my work gets out there but I rarely see directly if it gets to make peoples lives better you know? so the path you're on is so so admirable <3 <3 <3

I get you though, do you find that you thrive under the pressure even though it's sometimes a lot? I find that sometimes it does help me, but sometimes I forget to identify the times when it isn't helping me? or, sometimes I take it too far? so please look out for yourself and take care of yourself <3 and when you're worried if you're on the edge know that it's enough for you to take a rest and not be super perfect. i sometimes tell myself to except that I'm probably gonna make two or three stupid mistakes a day? It sounds kind of silly but it means that it makes it easier for me to accept when I mess up, idk, I think it helps me balance the pressure sometimes? i 100% understand what you're saying - at school do they have people that can directly help? or like peer supporters so it's not as stressful or official feeling as a therapist? if you ever want me to come off anon to help lemme know <3 i'm always here for you <3

oh my gosh your grandparents have been able to live long too! all my grandparents lived close to 100 before passing, and one of my grandmothers had the same as your grandfather. he sounds so sweet and so kind though! i love that he knows how to FaceTime you! Some of my aunts and uncles still don't properly haha. it sounds like he knows that he's super loved though, he's very lucky <3 <3 i've been thinking about all this really lovely stuff and how it grounds you when stuff like careers can stress you out and feel like the most important thing when it shouldn't be? what are the personality differences between the different areas of the US? my East Coast friends seem to straight talk a lot more than my West Coast friends? like they're a lot more realistic as opposed to being, I don't know laid-back or if not laid-back sometimes just more comfortable with superficial stuff? Not like my West Coast friends are superficial people, but I think they accept it as part of the world a bit better? my friends on the east coast will rail against that stuff a lot more, like they buy into the influencer bullshit less? but I guess these are all sweeping generalisations anyway... I might have to travel a bit in europe soon... I got asked to go to otaly for some work today, and to holland next month. Idk if it will end up happening though, things change all the time? I have to keep checking quarantine rules all the time with countries! but YAY and YES Europe tour trip one day :D !!!!!!!

you know what? when I first saw you compare bowling and golf I was like, wait, what? but now I totally get it! i know a golfer and they talk about how physical and strenuous it is on the arms and stuff all the time which I don't think always comes across when you watch it and it makes a lot of sense with how you describe how you trained for bowling! i used to cox in rowing and I always used to find it really funny that I said that was the sport I did because honestly I just sat in the boat all the time and steered XD

obligatory YES WTF ARE COTTON SCENTS! quite a few shops in the city where I live have been closing down because of Covid but our Jo Malone is still going strong! I love that lots of already classic clothing shops have now gone out of business but for some reason the people where I live cannot live without their perfume XD I think I'm gonna go in later this week or next week to take a look! with all this travelling I kind of want to buy something new? also, my hands have been acting up with injury so I have to rest my hands more anyway – so might as well look for perfume right? do you have any recommendations or would the blueberry one you've just gotten be at the top of your list?

the exciting thing is that I'm doing a bit less this week! I need to wait and see if that job wants me to fly out to Italy within the next 48 hours, if not next week, but if not I think I'm gonna figure out how to rehabilitate my joints a bit and get my brain okay? It's been existential Covid crisis week haha - I think a lot of me and my friends have been feeling like we've lost so much of our lives and potential during this time and I've really tried to hold in and ignore it for the past 18 months? i'm not one to ever feel lonely or to really really want to be in a relationship like some of my friends, but I've just been feeling it this week? like, I love my independence, but I wouldn't say no to a boyfriend right now you know? I feel silly saying that sometimes because I'm so against feeling like you have to have someone in your life to be okay, but I guess that's just a result of how the world is has been recently?? but I think all my feelings exploded around this stuff now so, I am trying to get back into a better place? so it's not as exciting as some of the stuff I've told you about before, but it's what's up I guess?

how are your mum and grandmother doing? are they doing good? [lease send all my love to them too. I'm glad these help you reflect on your week! they do with me too and I'm always happy to hear from you, no matter how long you might need <3 <3 hope you manage to reward yourself for working so hard these past days and that you remember you're always doing 110% so you deserve the best!

love you lots and lots - 💥

ANGEL HELLO !!!!!!!!! i told myself i would stay on top of this and swear in a timely manner but ;_____; a full week + 2 clinical rotations later here i am on a sunday, it seems this is always the case :( maybe my get back to you day will only be on sundays LOL i will try my best in the future babe, but ofc thank you so much for being patient with me <3

uni is going fine so far hun !!!! i've started clinical rotations as i've said on thursday and friday, and then my first exam is on tuesday so i read some chapters yesterday so i'm not squished for time lol :) and ,,,, what you said "hope it's all part of the plan" is very much my way of thinking lol wha is your sign? i'm a sagittarius and that's like, a philosophy i go by like everything is how it's supposed to be even if it's not what u want like everything will work itself out :') i'm wondering if we are one in the same !!!!! <3

and omg ;_____; conflict within the workplace is NEVER easy bc all everyone wants is to reach the goal you all are reaching and bc there's some bumps in the road it makes everything that much more stressful :( and i know exactly the type of person you are talking about LOL i've had to work with some of my peers in the hospital who really didn't treat me all that nicely , but i still have to partner up with them anyways bc we had to move a patient lol ; like they never do anything terrible to you but you just cannot come to a proper agreement with them? i know the feeling :( but i can tell you are doing ur absolute best ;_____; it's a tough situation ,,,,,,,,, but may i propose something ??? maybe since things are high stress in the workplace, would u be willing to meet them outside the workplace, like a quick coffee meet up and then discuss those issues? maybe talking about it in the work environment is way too stressful for both of u and it is hard to come to an agreement, but maybe in a calmer, more informal setting do u think maybe the both of u could be like "hey, what u were talking about i'm not really head over heels for but this is what i think and do u think we can do something where both of us will be happy?" im thinking maybe will opening up a means for more civilized discussion?? just a thought LOL :') let me know how it goes :( i hope u are all able to figure everything out !!!!!

about the surgeries !!!!! like i said i know it's super stressful to think about bc this is one of the very few times in life where things are absolutely out of our control and that scares us, and we as medical providers aren't supposed to give u a false sense of security, but i promise u everything will be just fine as long as u correctly follow up with care post-op :) we wouldn't want an infection !!!! >;( i remember last year i had a patient and she was going in for a routine colonoscopy and she was scared shitless ,,,,,,, but i was like "listen ma'am i know it can seem scary but i was just in there with the doctors and everything is super relaxed and they know what they're doing in there, you'll be out in no time and i'll be here waiting !!" and that seemed to help her a lot, after the surgery she was on me like flies on shit LOL she was like "THANK U HONEY" (but i think most of it was bc she was still drugged up hhh)

LOL us with our family members waking up early <3 literally this morning i decided to do my laundry at 8am (its only 10 right right now lol) but idk it just make u feel a little bit better doesn't it? but oh my gosh no i don't see u in this way at all ;_____; babe like you're already THERE in the world working and to me like ,,,,,, being an effective functioning person in society is like all i ever want i just want to be COMPETENT and the fact that u manage ppl ???? it's already a lot of responsibility but you do it everyday like you go to work u make food for yourself u pay bills like yes this all kinda sucks but you're there doing it and idk ,,,,,,,, like u being in this position is like yeah their surviving in the world and doing okay !!!! so that’s how i see u hun ;_____;

and i don’t think i necessarily thrive under pressure but i just kinda ,,,,,,, handle it?? like i think i handle my stress quite well !!! i think the reason why making mistakes scares me so much in my field is bc if i make a mistake i can like, kill someone or seriously harm them if i do something wrong SLKDFJ but i have to remember i’m still just a student and a lot of the things that i’ll learn won’t even be in these last few months of nursing school, but rather during my months of orientation on the floor i’ll be working on when i finally land a job ,,,,,, i know i just have to be patient and kind to myself, but it’s hard not having these high expectations for myself bc everyone else pushes themselves super hard (nurses i mean) so i feel like i should be too , ya know? ;_____; it’s a hard balance that i’ve yet to find but hopefully once i graduate i’ll have just a little bit more confidence in myself :’)

and omg your grandparents lived a long life as well !!!!!!!! a lot of my friends’ grandparents are really young still, so it’s hard for others to relate i think LOL but :(((( i’m really lucky to have them around still and like, i feel like my grandparents are the cornerstone of our whole entire family; once they pass i’m not quite sure what will happen ;_____; so i’m just trying to cherish every moment that i have with them even tho sometimes it’s stressful lol ; also BOUT THE DIFFERENCES FROM EAST TO WEST COAST LOL ; i think u described it really well actually :) like among the friends u have the are from different parts of the states, it’s very accurate in my opinion !! and again after all it is just a very broad assumption, in general east coasters have this “workaholic” attitude, they tend to be very realistic which i actually appreciate a lot lol, i’m hoping to live near the east coast when i move out <3 now where i am from it is considered the midwest even tho it’s more east than west if u look at it on the map LMAO and like, it’s really funny bc if u say to someone you’re from the midwest they’ll tell u our reputation is being “too nice” LSKDLFJSKLD and like that’s our thing, a happy medium between coasts with big cities but small towns too and generally just very chill and nice ,,,,,,,, the south of the US is also known for having that “southern hospitality” overall very cheerful ppl with personality and super kind attitude on life :) now the west of the US i’m not saying there aren’t nice ppl out there bc there are LOL but esp near lost angeles or hollywood ofc you’re going to have ppl very stuck up bc ya know they made it to big bad LA and they want to be trendy with all of the fake health shit (celery juice does NOTHING FOR U sorry lol) generally my view of the west is just very fake and i would never want to have my family grow up there LMAO but that generally like, california and washington but like, utah or wyoming or colorado are just absolutely gorgeous and they have small town ppl there bc there are a lot of ranches there ,,,,,,,, does any of this make sense to u ??? KLASFJ 

i’m going to skip a few paragraphs bc this is so long already LMAO but trust me i’ve read everything so far lol ; it seems like you’re doing a lot of traveling !!!!!! <3 i’m so jealous !!!!!!!! italy sounds so beautiful i would love love to go some day :( ALSO U SMELLED THE BLUEBELL PERFUME RIGHT ???? U LIKED IT ?????? doesn’t it smell absolutely divine??? no matter how many scents i smelled after that i knew it was the right one for me ldkfsdlkfj <3 i’m still so in love with it ;____; also about ur lil rant about feeling lonesome :( bub i can really relate to this and i feel the same way like my mom and the rest of my family never pushed me to meet anyone and i’ve always never had a problem making friends, but like, as i’m older and i realize i’ll be alone a lot more of my time once i graduate like i really do want to share my life with someone :( i have a lot of love and i want to be able to show it to someone i care about a lot but i just never really take the initiative to do that bc quite honestly i’m not confident in myself lMAO so ,,,,,,, i know we never feel like we need to be dependent on someone but sharing experiences with someone who feels very strongly for u seems nice, doesn’t it? i wish this for both of us really soon okay?? <3 i tell my friends i would LOVE to be engaged right now lskdjfslfjs :’)

but anyways !!!!!!!! my mom and the rest of my family is doing well <3 and i’m doing okay too !!!!!! i don’t want to bore u with how clinicals are going but if u want me to tell u just let me know LOL and angel i know i say it all the time but always thank u so much for being patient with me okay? u are the absolute best !!!!!! also as promised, here are a few pics of my dorm room LOL it’s a shoebox but it’s my shoebox :) enjoy !!!!!!