#I know this is Netflix not Hallmark but let's no quibble over details

[misscrawfords]

I can’t stop thinking about that terrible movie, The Christmas Wedding Planner. It doesn’t deserve 1/10th of the mental energy I’m giving it and yet here we are.

The main problem is that just a few tweaks could have made it a decent film and that the things that were wrong with it were just so wrong. So I’m making two lists. The first is its greatest atrocities. The second is what I’d tweak to turn it into something watchable, even good.

The premise: Kelsey is a rookie wedding planner, about to get her big break with her rich cousin Emily’s wedding to the oh so charming, Todd. Then she bumps into Connor, Emily’s ex, a private investigator mysteriously charged with investigating Todd. He wants to recruit Kelsey to help him with his investigation. She wants him to piss off. Sparks fly while my suspension of disbelief remains firmly rooted to the ground.

This post will contain spoilers. I really wouldn’t bother caring. Buckle yourself in - we’re going for a very inane ride!

Problems

The leads have no chemistry at all. This is obviously a problem. Buying a romance and attraction between them was just impossible. Their first kiss was meant to be awkward but, my god, surely not THAT awkward! 

This lack of chemistry was added to a flat script that clearly was trying to present Kelsey and Connor as a sparring love-hate dynamic who grow to appreciate each other and eventually come to realise that their connection is really deep as they share the same values. But, uh, that may have been the intention but not the story that came across on the screen. Which was just two people who irritated each other suddenly and for no reason getting upset about how the other was behaving after knowing each other for about three days and then...

THEY GOT FLIPPING MARRIED. I mean. WHAT. They’ve kissed twice. They know basically nothing about each other. Half an hour previously she thought he was a villain. This isn’t romantic, this is INSANE. I give them till the end of the honeymoon.

She’s called Kelsey. Like, that’s not a name. It’s just a random word. (This is petty as hell, but still.)

Kelsey has a “tragic backstory” where her mum died and she’s narrating her life in text messages to her mum which are text message overlays of exposition in case the viewer is finding the plot too complex to follow. I have no idea why this exists. It goes nowhere.

A romantic comedy ends with Emily, described as the most perfectly lovely and sweet person, discovering at the altar that her almost-husband was cheating on her and got a maid pregnant and then dumping him. And then she watches her wedding planner get married to her ex-boyfriend who she barely knows. I don’t particularly care about Kelsey and Connor but I’m very, very concerned about Emily! Make your beta couple happy, you cowards!

Todd was cheating with the maid. Wow, what a radical secret. And then Emily just doesn’t even talk about it. She just accepts the wedding is off and wants to plan a girls trip away instead. She was going to MARRY this guy. Doesn’t she want to IDK hear his side of the story? Why so quick to believe the worst? I mean, wow, clearly she shouldn’t be marrying this guy if she doesn’t care, but she’s meant to be intelligent as well as beautiful!

So basically none of the characterisation makes sense. In that there basically isn’t any. Just plot points that apparently have to be hit. Like, Aunt Olivia is a bitchy Rich White Woman (tm) half the time and a caring, mother-figure the other half. I was getting whiplash keeping up with her 180 degree character changes.

Connor isn’t even vaguely attractive. Physically or emotionally. That’s kind of a problem in a romance film. (I mean, YMMV with the physical aspect but, eurgh really.) He’s as charismatic as a block of wood. She’s... eh. She’s a generic Hallmark movie protagonist.

The way these characters dress and look. It’s so... 90s? I don’t mean that exactly. I mean, everyone looks the same and it’s a kind of glossy Clueless vibe. The women are all in tailored mini dresses and with long waves of hair. The men wear slacks and a shirt and have a bit of stubble. They all live in massive mansions or cute apartments that are all spotlessly clean and neat. They literally look like Barbie dolls except even my dollhouse was more realistically lived in than any of these sets. It’s such a weird aesthetic. And it makes no sense for the demographic these people supposedly belong to.

Perfect, sweet Jane Bennet Emily has three caricatured bridesmaids who are horrible. Why? Why are bridesmaids always jealous, miserable bitches? WHERE ARE HER ACTUAL FRIENDS? Speaking of, who even has weddings like this? What is the deal? Who WANTS this kind of wedding? Who behaves like this about their wedding or their child’s wedding? I’m so confused. If this is some kind of fantasy, I wonder whose it is, because everything about it is horrible. Which brings me back to this all feeling very dated in its aesthetic and early 2000s obsession with skinny women getting carried away with designer weddings in romcoms written by men. IDEK. This is 2018 and we have Set It Up and To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. This kind of film just doesn’t belong any more.

So that’s quite enough issues. Let’s try to solve a few and make this a better film.

Most of the problems could be solved by making the lead couple appealing. Cast different actors and write the script that they think they already have. If you can actually buy the narrative of two people who have more in common than they think growing closer from antagonists to partners, then the ridiculous ending where they decide to just get married could potentially work. POTENTIALLY. If they had more lingering looks that were genuinely hot, their awkward kiss melted into something real, their interactions sizzled with wit and suppressed passion then... yeah. Maybe then the spontaneous decision at the end would make you think, “Actually, yes, it’s mad but LOOK AT THOSE TWO CRAZY KIDS!”

Work on characterisation. So Kelsey’s deal is she’s concentrating on managing other people’s happiness instead of concentrating on her own because she can’t let go after her mother’s death. This is kind of heavy for a romcom. Let’s scrap the dead mother altogether. Make Emily her actual sister instead of the cousin who is like a sister and make Aunt Olivia her mum. Streamlines everything. This is better. So Emily is the perfect daughter who is beautiful and sweet and having the perfect wedding and Kelsey is the younger daughter who is determined to make her way in the world without the family money. This causes friction because she thinks her mum favours Emily and her determination leads her to believe that if she gets involved in a serious relationship which would please her mother then she is compromising her desire to be independent. Cue touching moment near the end when her mother admits she’s got it all wrong and she admires Kelsey’s entrepreneurial spirit and reveals that it’s possible to have a career AND a relationship. None of this is rocket science or even that interesting but I’m trying to make this a better Hallmark movie, not Citizen Kane.

Connor’s turn. Good grief, get a better actor for a start. And the entire plot here needs to change now. Because the PI bit is good but being hired by Aunt Olivia because Todd is cheating is just... so BORING. So before we can improve Connor we need to work on what he’s there to do.

Time to look at the actual plot. Wedding planner forced to work against her will with PI to investigate the wedding she’s planning is a genuinely cool concept. We have a bunch of tropes here: spies! we had to kiss for cover! love to hate! fake dating! All of these need to be fully exploited and above all the spying has to be funny. This needs to be the centre of the film. Not a single montage. It needs to circle through every conceivable trope to romantic and comic effect. We need to see these two bickering and flirting and denying their attraction in ridiculous undercover situations. This should be basically 90% of the film. Because that I would watch. But “Todd is cheating” is beyond boring. So what will the scenario be?

A couple of options and I’m not sure what I’d go with at present. Firstly would be sticking with the “Todd is cheating” plotline but... he isn’t. He’s a great guy! The spying is all pointless and both Kelsey and Connor realise that but... just... can’t quite bring themselves... to stop... because that’s their excuse to see each other. Todd and Emily find out in the most embarrassing way possible, and find it hilarious. Because they’re a well-adjusted couple ready to take the next step into married life. Either Aunt-now-Mum Olivia did start it and then has to eat humble pie and realise she was wrong about everything or someone else instigated it. Maybe a jealous ex? IDK. It doesn’t really matter. They’re proved totally wrong and true love triumphs!

The alternative is that Todd is really a bad egg but in that case we need to play his relationship with Emily differently so she doesn’t come out looking like a robot or an idiot. We can do a Much Ado situation where their superficial relationship - Emily desperately trying to please her mother as much as Kelsey is trying to distance herself (two sides of the same coin) - is contrasted with the real and flawed relationship that develops between Kelsey and Connor. Meanwhile, because this is a romcom, while Todd and Emily’s relationship is obviously wrong from the start, Emily builds up a cute friendship with the adorable baker making her wedding cake - who is the only appealing character in the film as it stands. Once Emily’s relationship with Todd is exploded, then give her a shoulder to cry on and the hope of something real with the lovely baker in the future.

But even if Todd is a genuinely rotter, the spying needs to be a smokescreen. If Kelsey and Connor do discover whatever is dodgy about Todd, it needs to happen accidentally and so all their spy antics need to be a complete waste of time except to lead to them falling in love. Because actually spying on people and so on is... not very nice and turns this into a spy film rather than a romcom. Even better, let Emily come to the realisation herself. When Kelsey breaks the news to her (she has to do it, not Connor for maximum emotion, and not ridiculously while she’s at the altar) then Emily has to admit she already worked it out so she can make a really informed decision.

If you’re going to have Connor propose at the end (which is stupid) then the correct response is for Kelsey to laugh hysterically and say something like, “Are you crazy? But you can take me out for a real date!” Cue kiss, applause and credits.

So Connor. Firstly, his background needs to be simplified. He shouldn’t be Emily’s ex. That’s just weird. And the whole money business is dubious and overly-complicated and doesn’t make him look great and is just shoe-horned in for ~drama. He’s just a stranger who is a PI. The end. This ought to be an easy job for him, a boring one. He didn’t count on the genuinely smart, witty wedding planner he got entangled with. Bless his snarky, so over-it cotton socks.

So, I can see you wondering, haven’t I removed all sources of tension? No issue with the ex, no money problems, Kelsey and Connor don’t even affect Emily’s relationship. What is the massive problem that will occur 4/5ths the way through and make our hero and heroine desperately miserable for five minutes before the final denouement? But, my friend, if you think this is a problem, then you’ve completely missed the central premise of this story. They think they’re just forced to work together! As spies! Undercover! But actually! They have real feelings! For each other! Isn’t that enough of a plot? When Emily and Todd’s wedding either goes ahead without problem or is broken up no thanks to the inept spy duo, they have no longer any reason to see each other! And thinking that the other one doesn’t care, they just sadly say goodbye and prepare to part for ever... BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL SHOCK YOU. Look, this is all the level of conflict this film needs. Nobody is watching this because they want this part of the film to last more than a couple of minutes maximum. Just let them roll their eyes at each other like the Beatrice and Benedick dynamic they so desperately wish they had and kiss!

THE END.