#I know its scary. its so so scary. I'd have to psych myself up for hours

[polyamorousmood]

I'm a little bit stuck, and in the same boat as a recent anon. I met this guy a little over a year ago, and we immediately hit it off. Not long after he introduced me to everyone important to him in his life, including his girlfriend. I knew pretty immediately that I liked him a lot, and I found myself quietly adoring her too. I NEVER planned on saying or doing anything, because they're in a very committed relationship - they've been dating for years and grew up together. I knew I had no chance, so I just kept acting normal and the same. Until December, when the guy came to me and quietly told me he has feelings for me. And he was freaking out a little bit, because he's never ever had this with anyone except his girlfriend. I admitted I felt the same, but didn't want to do anything without her knowing or being apart of it, and she needed to know. He seemed pretty relieved I was on the same page - she came first. Always.

And then - nothing. I've not heard anything more on this. He's acted a lot more flirty and cuddly and sweet than before, sure, and his girlfriend has been more awesome (I can't tell if anythings different, admittedly, because she's always been this cool and thoughtful and kind,) (I also admit that I got them both valentine's gifts, and they both really loved theirs - except I overheard him quietly crying and her comforting him because he hadn't gotten her anything for valentines) but -- nothing. I have no idea if she knows, or what she knows. I have no idea where I stand in all this. I don't know if they'd be open to polyam or not, genuinely. Whenever it comes up (unrelated,) they seem squirmy about it but don't voice any disagreement or belief that it's "bad."

It feels stupid to have hope. I know we need to talk, at least me with this guy, but I don't want to ruin what they have with each other. I'm not from the same place as them, we just go to school together. I'm just some guy. They're kind of codependent, honest to god soulmates - I don't want to ruin them. I don't want to ruin anything. And I know talking will change everything.

I mean, you already said you know you need to talk🗣️ to them, or at least him. So do it, or be okay with it possibly never resolving one way or the other.

I don't think talking about it will drastically change everything, necessarily. Especially if you just ask him alone for an update, and you trust him to give an honest answer. I see no reason why you shouldn't do that. You don't have to make a big thing of it. Just "you've been awfully flirty lately!😉 does this mean you got the go-ahead from [girlfriend]?"

The biggest thing I'd advise is having at least half a plan for every answer he could give to that. What do you do if he floated the idea by her but she seemed nervous? She didn't commit to an answer? She actually said no months ago but he just wants to keep flirting? She actually said yes months ago and he's been weirdly dragging his feet about it? He never even asked? How far with the flirting do you think is ethical to go if she wasn't fully okay with polyamory or doesn't know? At what point, if any, do you go to her and talk things through with her?

Confront the reality you might have to stop, you might have to stop HIM if he just wants to keep flirting without her knowledge and consent. Practice saying it with me: Then I think we need to dial things back for now. Out loud "Then I think we need to dial things back for now". You really don't sound like you want to do this girlfriend wrong, so be prepared to put your foot down and do the right thing -- the painful thing -- if it comes to it.

You want to do the right thing, and you want to love💙💖🖤. Those are good things, noble things. Remember how beautiful that is, and remember these perfect intentions to motivate you to do scary things. And you are strong enough to do it. I am proud of you.

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

So I hope you don’t mind my rant 🪻

Basically Ive been fighting my undiagnosed issue for years. I dont feel valid enough to call it an ED. But basically I went through a very stressful time years ago leading me to severely restrict my intake and only eat one meal a day which obviously lead to weekly binges. I purged everyday for several months. Lost a significant amount of weight. When the stressor left I maintained my new lower weight . the behavior persisted for years albeit to a lesser extent.

I had come to a place where while self conscious i was somewhat healthy. I ate well and enjoyed cooking and baking. I had treats without worries. I loved dancing and actually had energy to exercise and adored it. I did struggle with a constant urge to exercise though. Id been purge free for an entire year and I have been binge free for a few years

April comes and the stress of that time throws me back into restriction. At first I tell myself its okay. I make an effort to harm reduce and I eat three meals a day. Even with taking vitamins and exercising and losing weight the so called healthy way I have stomach pains and bloating, Im exhausted.

It continues and worsens and I restrict lower and lower. Often skipping a meal or only having one. My fatigue is terrible, I struggle to sleep and my anxiety is out of control. My skin is dry. My stomach gets painfully full easily. I am emotional. I cry all the time. I have sharp chest pains and I am cold. I an constantly dizzy and it is hard to breath when I stand up.

I am barely underweight. But I want to feel better.

Ive already been to the doctor twice but was too afraid to come forward about the restriction. Im going to a cardiologist soon.

Here is the real issue. I lied on the mental helath screening bcs I was afraid of being committted into a psych ward and My pcp recommended therapy. I made an appt and then cancelled. Since my anxiety is now so bad i cant manage i call to reschedule and try it and give it an honest effort.

Just the thought of going made me so upset I began purging again half of me wants to hide my issue from my therapist or cancel and the other half wants to come forward and see about getting help. This is also encouraging me to lose more because i feel i have to be sicker in order to get a diagnosis or be deserving of help. Im also so afraid of being committed or going to inpatient. It is my biggest fear. What do I do ?

I don't mind your rant, anon. It sounds like you're dealing with something really difficult and I think you are indeed allowed to call it an eating disorder.

I can understand your fear around being diagnosed, as it can change your life significantly. At the same time, anon, you will not be able to get help unless you take the steps to reach out for it (and follow through on them!) I know it's really hard and really scary, especially the thought of going to inpatient.

I get a lot of people saying "I feel like I need to be sicker." However, on the flipside, imagine all the people who've done lasting health damage to themselves, who may wish they'd gotten help before they'd gotten as sick as they did! An eating disorder is an eating disorder, and all sufferers deserve the opportunity to get help for the underlying cause of their disorder no matter what stage of ED they're in. You don't have to get "sick enough" to validate the fact that you're suffering. You can validate it to yourself. In fact, let me say it to you, anon. I see you. I see that you're suffering. You are worthy and deserving of help and support. I wish you healing.

(I'd like to add a sidenote here that just because you don't feel you look emaciated doesn't mean you aren't sick. Most human bodies have a LOT of safeguards against weight loss, especially in individuals who have a pattern of restricting, eating again, restricting, eating again...your body can still be struggling and deprived of nutrients even if it's stubbornly refusing to let go of pounds to try and keep you alive. It sounds as though your body is trying to express its distress to you in other ways, but are you ready to listen to it? That's up to you.)

I think you need to ask yourself what self-care steps you need to take in order to schedule a therapy appointment and stick to it. I think you know that the urge to comfort yourself by purging is counterproductive. What other things can you do to self-soothe in a healthy way? What are some small comforts you can use to show your body that you believe it deserves comfort and compassion while you work up the nerve to re-schedule?

When you do go to therapy, perhaps you could write down a script of stuff you're ready to talk about and stick to that script. A good therapist will gently push you but will also let you go at your pace and will not force you to talk about things that you're not ready to talk about. If you don't feel that connection with the therapist you meet, you can always search for another one. Yeah, I know, it's really hard to go through those steps AGAIN when you're already struggling so much. It's important, though. And when you're done, perhaps you can reward yourself with a treat. It doesn't have to be a food treat, if you are not at a point where you can effortlessly enjoy food. It can be any little thing that makes your body or soul feel rewarded, a fancy soap or a bath bomb, some art supplies or a little home decoration. Anything that helps you focus on giving yourself some love without engaging in ED behaviors.

You can go to cardiology, but until you're honest about what's straining your body, you'll only be putting band-aids on a much bigger gaping wound. I mean, still go to cardiology. But I think you know that you need to start treating the disorder, and finding ways to stay out of the disorder when stressful times come around.

I also want to address your fears around inpatient treatment. A lot of doctors and counselors will be willing to work with you around an outpatient treatment plan if you show that you want to heal and feel better and are willing to keep working toward that end. However, some people do end up in inpatient and I know it's scary to end up in a new environment and feel like all your control is being taken from you. But remember, while being able to engage in ED behaviors feels like you're controlling your life, every time you do it, the eating disorder takes more control of YOU. Think about it. You're already struggling. You're engaging in behaviors that take away the energy and time you had for the true joys in your life. You want medical professionals to help you, but you're not giving them the full range of information to help you. Do you feel like you're really in control of your life right now?

If you show willingness to work outpatient, I think your supports will probably work with you on this. However, I cannot 100% promise you will not end up needing to do inpatient. I know that's scary. You're allowed to be scared! I invite you to sit with that feeling and hold compassion for yourself and know that you're not the first person to ever be scared of going into inpatient. You also may have to talk about the possibility while seeking treatment. It's okay to be scared, I hope you know that. That's why I suggested bringing a script to therapy, so you can give your therapist a baseline for what you're able to confront right now. A good therapist will develop a rapport with you so that you feel safe working through scary topics. Healing is not the absence of fear, but knowing you have a safe person equipped with tools to help you cope with fear. Someone who will meet you with compassion, not judgment, and lay out your options for you in a way that you understand.

I wish you the best of luck in this difficult journey, anon. I hope you find healing.

[scumtrout]

Something I don't see discussed very often (outside of Gabor Mate books, maybe) is that sobriety seems great on paper but sometimes you end up reaching for an escape hatch because, for whatever reason, your current circumstances are untenable. And technically, while sober, you should put your time and energy into finding circumstances that are not untenable, but THIS IS HARD and the untenable circumstances are themselves a drain on time and energy. I'm not saying that any of this is okay or that there aren't ways to find 'virtuous cycle' (e.g. exercise, volunteering, meditation) coping mechanisms, but it's pretty difficult to pull a 'virtuous cycle' coping mechanism out your arse and have it help immediately when you're at the point where you DO need immediate help/escape.

The difference between a 'virtuous cycle' coping mechanism and some sort of narcotic is that one is like piloting an aircraft and making a controlled landing because your training and circumstances permit it, while the other is like pulling the lever on an ejection seat (which means there's a risk of it fucking you up in the process because ejection seats are not Nice).

And there's something to be said here for how, if all you know is how to pull a lever on an ejection seat (the ejection seat is appealing because you pull a lever and! hey! instant result! it's scary but maybe less scary than trying to attempt a controlled landing THAT MIGHT FUCK YOU UP EVEN WORSE), you're just going to use the ejection seat every time even though it beats the shit out of you. Everything is calculated risk but at least the ejection seat is predictable in its behaviour.

Anyway tl;dr I'm fine but a project at work and my current life circumstances are making me miserable again and I don't have many outlets for it, so I'm drinking a bottle of wine while telling myself, 'I'M OKAY SO LONG AS I DRINK A NORMAL AMOUNT'. But I do think that sobriety is like... the stars have to magically align and you need to hit 3 out of 5 on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for you to even remotely enjoy sobriety. (If you're at a 3 out of 5 on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, then I'm genuinely happy for you.) Also the whole idea of 'sobriety' is weird as fuck, e.g. I spent years technically sober while also taking antidepressants (I'm a girl scout and I took the 'don't drink while on psych meds' advice to heart) to an extent where I absolutely felt like I was under the influence of something. The experience of coming off venlafaxine could probably merit its own trip report. To this day, I'm still reluctant to go back on any kind of psych meds because 1) I want to keep them as a Hail Mary Pass for when nothing else is working and 2) there have been people in my life who were/are like 'your meds are FINE! you are FINE! nothing could go wrong as a consequence of you taking the meds!' when uh actually... the meds are still drugs? And brains have a lot of 'moving parts' that make it difficult to predict how the meds interact with them? Just because the meds are sanctioned by a doctor, that doesn't mean I wouldn't give them the same amount of respect/caution I'd give any other psychoactive substance. I have a lot of trust in doctors by default because I'm not dumb/arrogant enough to discount the advice of experts... but, as with anything where you have to consult an expert, you also have to account for the fact that they're just human beings and you might get fucked over if you uncritically assume they have your best interests in mind, so a smidge of professional scepticism is in order.

[monstrouslyobsessed]

just answering some asks real quick, no writing today but i am working on some n'sfw art of my fave lesbian beastfolk characters. hoping to finish and share that one (but sadly censored) tonight!

cw: mentions of a certain horror hentai, beastfolks

thank you for the quick reply! I am super psyched about the possibility of a book of beast au, like holy moly I'd read it/buy it! And no worries on me selling the fan idea or claiming your idea, its more like me doing fanfiction of my fav author work as fan love ;3 —anonymous

dawwwwwww thank you!! <3 you're a sweetheart!!! do whatever you want! i'm super down to see your (and literally anyone else's) takes on my au~ we need more furry beastman x human tbh.

still a slim possibility tho! it'd be more of a compilation book more than anything as it'd be easier for me to do than to do chapter by chapter thing (and honestly, i wouldn't know who to focus on! i accidentally made the au too vast, rip). the only thing that would kinda suck is having to come up with the identity of mc's in each story, since it's super nice not having to think too much about who the mc is when i write reader x monster. i don't think reader x stories would sell well, though, and especially not the dead dove kind.

but that's alright, it just means i can write the mc's being in the minority if and when i wanted to c: disabled mc's are not something you'd see represented often being one myself and i'd so much love to contribute somehow.

Have you seen puss in boots? —anonymous

i dont...watch many movies lmao but im guessing this is about death the wolf? my friends were all over him! even the ones who aren't into yandere/dd stuffs.

i'll have to see if i can find that film on netflix or prime then and make some time for it

Omg, I didn’t listen to you and I read that hentai fully out of curiosity and wow that’s fucked (and scary) —anonymous

oh nonnie NOOOOOOO-

you poor soul D: it IS a horror hentai though, i should've specified in the initial post (sorry!), but fuck some of them are...

yeah, half of it is extremely fucked indeed. ymmv, but outside the ones involving...minors (shudders), the cow head and the monkey on train are just...no, with the former especially being the worst one and probably the most fucked up of them all. the tall lady and the scarecrows/women in the field would've been...passable to good if they hadn't involved minors, simply because i liked the initial premises. :\ the snake-god would've been a 10/10 for me if the mc is older and less...bratty, but as it is, 8/10 and all of the points i gave were because of the monster's gorgeous unique take on lamia/naga design (that monster lady is a chef's kiss and makes my gay ass heart happy) and her tragic backstory.

idk about the 6-armed snake-god one specifically, but i've heard/read that all the others were based on the Japanese lores. the cow one was supposedly already super gross in the first place though the artist could've just...not do that one and the rest, yeah.

i was able to deal with the statue ones and the worm god fine because...at least they all looked like adults who fell into bad situations they couldn't get out of. the monster on the road is...well, it'd be better if it didn't look like an old man :\ rest i just straight up skimmed through with my eyes half shut and completely skipping the cow head one first few pages in.

…sufficient to say, i only read monster / horror hentai's based on friends' recs than looking for them myself these days. way too many involving minors, which is…unfortunate. yucks.

i'm very, very sorry i led you down there and endured all of that, nonnie dear. D:> i'll go back and edit that post to warn others.

[one-abuse-survivor]

hey there, milky way anon back after almost a year 🌌

a lot of stuff has happened since last december, i had a therapist for a while although i kind of lost touch after i was away over the summer holidays, a very toxic relationship happened for something over a month (i ended up there because i struggled with saying no), my other important relationship is still committed and holding up, i've reconnected a lot with a person who i got to know a few years ago and then promptly lost touch with because it left school and i didn't have its number back then, and who apparently had some very serious medical issues in between then and now so i'm glad it's still alive and around, and especially that i've motivated it to join the team with whom i play my most favorite absurd sport with.

i've also worked a lot on myself, and come to terms with some stuff concerning sexuality and relationships.

i've found (at least) two people who i really look up to, one of them i know personally and he'd probably be overwhelmed if he knew how much of a positive kind of father figure he's become for me ever since i first met him last march despite us only meeting every few months (he does the same sport but in a different team but we've played a bunch of tournaments in the same mixed team recently) and i've learnt a lot of stuff from him, on one hand things related to the sport (i learnt how to play an entirely new position just from him at the few tournaments we've met at and he's been a real pleasure to play that position with and he's probably one of the people who i play the best and easiest with), and the other is a celebrity who just shares a lot of my mindsets and opinions on things and has had to work through a lot of things similar to what i'm going through/went through and how he's handled that is definitely helping get a lot of new insights

honestly just thinking about it those two people have probably done more good things for my psyche in that year than my parents have in my life as far back as i can remember, especially when it comes to general kind of wisdoms, which are offered without heaps of judgement and non-constructive criticism first and are a lot more understandable, applicable and down-to-earth than what my parents would give me

i've also noticed in that time that i stutter, and that i do it a lot and that it's mostly because my mouth can't keep up with my thoughts, because they are too fast and mostly a strange linguistic mashup of english, german and whatever else. i've also noticed that it's a thing my parents like to make fun of.

and yes, seasonal depression is a bitch and i would not wish this fall i had on anybody but i am fighting back hard this time, surrounding myself with people who i share a mutual respect with and whose company i enjoy. i think i've learnt a lot about myself and my emotional needs and how i can fulfill them better to give this fall's depressive phases a lot less ground to stand on

and lastly, i am now in my last year of school, i think overall i have probably around 15 weeks of school left until finals and graduation which i am really excited but also very stressed and anxious about. especially because i'm terrified of the future because i never expected myself to get that far and actually have one and going on to the end of school i need to start planning what i'll do afterwards

thank you a lot for existing, thank you for taking the time and spoons to read through all those asks you're receiving and carefully replying to them, thank you for being someone i can appreciate and respect as much as i do

Hi again!!! Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad to be here and to be able to help 🥰

I really hope your graduation went well! And I hope the future feels a little bit less scary now. It's really common to feel that way when you've gone through trauma as a kid and teen. I personally also used to think I'd never make it past 18. It can be incredibly hard to build a life that you never planned to live, and to find your footing and feel like you're in control instead of spiralling wildly and always tripping over your own feet. But it really does get better with time. I'm rooting for you, nonnie ❤️

I'm glad to hear you've found some role models that help you navigate life and learn new things. I think the fact that abused and neglected teens still need safe adults and role models and tend to look for them outside of the house isn't talked about enough. It can go well if they find adults who are actually safe and want what's best for them, or if they find celebrities or even fictional characters to rely on. But with real people it can sometimes go badly, because they can take advantage or they can put space between you, which can feel like parental abandonment all over again. I hope these role models have continued to have a positive impact in your life!

Also, I'm so glad you managed to reconnect with an old friend, and that it was okay! What it went through sounds pretty scary :(

You don't deserve for your parents to make fun of you for stuttering. That's not okay. And I'm so glad you've been able to listen to your emotional needs and meet them. That's not always an easy thing to accomplish, and you really deserve to be proud of yourself for that.

Sending a big hug your way. Hope things are going well! ❤️

[melye1981]

I Am A Child of God...

Yes, I was baptized as Christian on Mother's Day of 2010. Even before then, I always prayed and believed in God. Even though God wants you to do your best in life, and bring out the best in one's self, sometimes life gets us down, and God doesn't judge it. He knew this before he created Man.

My mom once told me, "God only blesses those who pray that help themselves. Don't say a prayer for a job, for example, if you won't be willing to put forth the effort as much as you can on YOUR part, because God won't help you." I believe this to be true.

God didn't create perfection in Humans, and rightfully so, for He is the maker of all. The only perfect entity is God himself.

That's why I'd like to share a bit of my own imperfections... I've struggled with disabilities since the day I was born. My biological father was on heroin when I was created. Little did my mom know, it would have a devastating impact on me. For my entire life... When I came into this world 42 years ago, on February 9th, 1981, my heart stopped, and my lung collapsed. I had to be delivered via emergency C-section.

I stayed in the hospital for a month in the NICU with all these tubes and wires connected to me. I had to have emergency surgery to restart my heart and reinflate my right lung. Once I was able to go home from the hospital, I was fine, up until I was 5 years old. My mom said she found me unconscious in the bathroom, with my head resting on the tub, and the rest of me sitting on the toilet.

My parents took me to the ER to see what was wrong with me. They did some tests and concluded that I had Epilepsy. So, they put me on meds for it. Fast forward 5 years... Epilepsy disappeared, but mental illness took its place. I had learning problems in school, mainly when it came to math. I still have those learning disabilities today, regarding math. I can't even do division. I always get the answer wrong. I can't do pre-algebra nor algebra. I'm a good reader, but I don't always comprehend what I read.

My parents just thought I had bad anger issues, but never assumed mental illness. I got in trouble with the law quite a bit as a teenager, and quite a few times as an adult. When I was 27, I had a psych eval done on me, and finally figured out where my anger and abnormal behavior came from... I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder, Borderline Personality disorder, Social Anxiety disorder, and PTSD from childhood trauma.

I am 42 now. My mom was my hero, my everything. She stood up for me when others would wrong me in whichever way they could. She was the shoulder I had to lean on when I came home from school crying because I was being made fun of. Ten years ago, I tried to purposely end my life, because at age 32, I was still being made fun of for many things. I couldn't take it, so I tried to kill myself. I nearly died. Literally hanging on by a thread. Scary, to say the least.

I promised my mom that I'd never try that again. It's been 10 years, and I haven't broken that promise. My mom has since passed away in 2021, now I have to stand on my own two feet, and be the strong woman my mom raised me to be, and stand up for myself. Being mentally ill sucks. Taking a pill every day for the rest of my life sucks. Realizing how much mental illness has taken from me sucks. One person I cannot seem to forgive, although my mom suggested I should, is my biological father.

Had it not been for his carelessness of his sex life with my mom, I probably wouldn't have all these problems. But since there's nothing I can do to change it, then I have to live with and accept the fact that I am mentally ill, but my mental illness does not define me as a person. I still am an individual, I still have talents, smarts, and a lot of wisdom, thanks to my mom. I struggle every day with depression. Some days I don't even want to eat. Some days, I don't want to do the dishes.

Some nights, I cannot sleep. But I try my damnedest to be a good person to others, and try to love myself, although it's not an easy feat. But I know, that as long as I TRY, as long as I put effort into everything I do, and keep praying to God for the things I need and want, live as good by his word as I can, that I will succeed at something. I have yet to find my purpose in life, but I believe God will bring me to that when it's time. As my mom once said, "If God brings you to it, He'll get you through it." I believe that to be true. I would've died at birth, if God didn't have a purpose for me here. Mental illness robbed me of being a mother to my kids, robbed me of many things, but I'm destined to kick mental illness in its ass and defeat it once and for all, and if I never do, then God will forgive me, for I did not ask for this...

[suganovakawa]

two anons asked for more introverted and shy! reader .

Omg the headcanon w suga was so good TT I wanted to ask if you could do the same one with kags;-; 💞 like the introverted shy one

Oh my goooddddd the Suga one was so cuteeeee! Can I request the same one w kuroo? ;-; if not it’s totally fine!

and you know what ? i love this headcanon so much so i’m gonna do more of this . i hope you don’t mind i put both in one , it’s easier to post !

𝐒𝐇𝐘 , 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐄 !

karasuno and nekoma boys protect you because of your shyness !

— check out my masterlist !!

you being a shy introvert has never affected these boys’ feelings for you . if anything , they feel more obligated to keep you safe and protected ! these guys will do everything to make sure you’re supported and loved .

a / n : ehehehehe as a somewhat shy person myself i needed this

holy moly this came out so much longer than i originally planned , especially tobio’s — enjoy 😭

anyways ! if you want to be part of my general taglist - just ask ! and be specific if you want to be updated for certain things ( just headcanons , just scenarios , etc ) 🥺

tobio kageyama

both of you are extremely shy but somehow you make your relationship work perfectly

well , tobio isn't shy , per se - he's just extremely awkward

shoyo was literally the one who had to do most of the communication between you and him before you two became a thing

kags became brave enough to ask you out himself after countless weeks of psyching himself up for it

he was beyond thankful when you said yes , his confidence was boosted now that he conquered his fear of confessing to you

kageyama is very understanding of your shyness - he won't ever make you do anything you're uncomfortable with , and will always make sure you feel safe when you two are out together

as more of an introvert himself , he prefers to spend time with you in private , so it's a win-win situation for the two of you in that case

you love to cuddle with tobio when it's just you two - he's become accustomed to you just climbing on top of him whenever and just making yourself at home

hinata was the one who encouraged you to meet the rest of the volleyball team - kags hit him on the head when he mentioned it

" BOKE ! THEY'RE SHY ! BE CONSIDERATE OF THEIR FEELINGS ! "

" no , it's okay tobio !! i'd love to meet your team ! "

he said o-o ??

" really , y/n ? you'll come to practice to meet everyone ? "

" y-yeah ! i'm sure it's not too bad . and maybe i could watch you practice too , if that's allowed ? "

" OMG KAGEYAMA PLEASE LET Y/N WATCH US PRACTICE IT WOULD BE SO COOL TO HAVE THEM THERE WE SHOULD TOTALLY - "

" SHUT UP DUMBASS IT'S THEIR CHOICE IF THEY WANNA WATCH "

yes you wanted to watch , but working your way up to meet them was a terrifying experience

what if they didn't like you ?

you mentioned your fear to tobio after school , who shook his head with a smile

" they're going to love you , y/n . you'd be surprised with how accepting they are . hinata and i told you about our first day , right ? "

" yes , yes you did "

WOAH A BUZZ CUT GUY OPENED THE DOOR

you jumped behind kageyama as the bald guy started yelling at him about who knows what , you were too spooked to listen

shoyo was already at the gym , and noticed you hiding behind your boyfriend

" guys , guys ! that's kageyama's s.o. ! the one hiding behind him ! "

did hinata forget you're shy or something like wtf dude

you peeked out from behind kags , going pale as a whole sea of tall men stared right back at you

" everyone , this is y/n . y/n , this is my volleyball team . " taking you by the hand , tobio kept you close to him as he pulled you to his side

everyone collectively said hi , quietly to not overwhelm you

" damn kageyama , already cuffed as a first year , huh ? " this short dude with a blond tuft in front of his forehead patted him on the shoulder , and you watched as tobio struggled to reply , his cheeks going pink in embarrassment

you stayed away from the third years , as they had this powerful presence around them that intimidated you - especially that guy in the man bun , he's terrifying

you kept your distance from tsukishima , too - he's tall , sassy , and very scary

thankfully kiyoko was soft spoken enough to make you feel comfortable with being left with her - WTF WHO IS THAT INCOMING GROWN MAN HIDE

wait it's just the coach - NEVERMIND FALSE ALARM

you had never seen kageyama play volleyball until now - you heard about his middle school reputation , but he felt self conscious about it . so , you hardly ever brought it up in conversation

watching him in action was like falling for him all over again

the way he handled the ball so easily ; he could probably set in his sleep if he wanted to

and that quick attack - like damn , shoyo and tobio really are the dream team

after practice , WOOO BOY you were all over your him

practically gawking over everything you saw during practice - like DAMN , that setter is your boyfriend

you begged him to let you watch karasuno practice again , you'd end up warming up to the others eventually - you had him and hinata for support

he felt shy with how excited you were to watch him practice , but agreed to let you come to practice with him from now on

" tobio , you're so cool !! i wanna learn how to do the amazing things you do "

" cutie . i'd love to teach you sometime , y/n .

tetsurou kuroo

needless to say , tetsurou is anything but shy

how you managed to snag a catch like kuroo is beyond you

he likes - no , loves - your soft atmosphere , the peace that your presence brings him

he was literally a magnet to you in his quest of wooing you

the moment you even appeared in the same room for a second he’d end up right there with you

even if he was clingy in a sense , he respected your shyness and your boundaries , and would step away if he felt like you were uncomfortable with him

yes we stan gentleman kuroo anyway

eventually his charismatic tendencies and alluring charms got to you and you began to enjoy his company more and more

yes , you agreed to becoming his s.o. , only if he understood that you would be sometimes too shy to go out places with him

he didn’t care , he didn’t care if all you two did was stay at home — this boy was over the moon that you were now officially his

the first thing he did was brag to his team lmao

did i mention that nekoma was betting on him being able to get you ?

kenma and lev owed yamamoto yen for being kuroo’s only supporter BFHSJNFNF

yaku took it a step further and told tetsu to bring you here — to which he internally panicked

he wasn’t planning on introducing you to the others so early , you two were still trying to get in the groove of being in a relationship

but after being pestered by literally everyone else on the team , he finally gave in and agreed to ask you the next time he saw you

he sugar coated it to the max when he saw you the next day

“ y/n , my absolute darling , i know you said you’re a shy little cutie and all , but — ”

“ tetsu , please just tell me what you need from me . ”

LMAOOOO you can read the third year like a book ; he shut up immediately when you shot an eyebrow upwards

“ i wasn’t planning to introduce you this early but , the guys from my volleyball team want to meet you . today , after school , preferably . ”

y/n.exe has stopped working

“ baby , baby ! you don’t have to , i swear ! i’m not gonna push you to do anything you don’t want , they just want to meet you in person once , is all . you never have to go again if you decide to go only one time , i promise . ”

hhhhhhhhh why is tetsurou like this

“ fine , i’ll go today . i have nothing to do after school anyway . but after that , no more . i can only take so much , you know that . ”

he punched his fists in the air before snatching a kiss to your temple

“ thank you , baby ! you won’t regret meeting them , i promise . ”

it took a lot of psyching yourself up to actually go through with this

but kuroo looked so happy when you agreed , you didn’t wanna let him down :(

so you two met up after school — he was already with kenma

you already met kenma in the past , so seeing him didn’t bother you ; he was an introvert too so he understood how you felt

“ hi , y/n . i’m surprised you can keep up with kuroo the way you do . ”

“ it’s strenuous sometimes , but worth it . ”

aww look at you two bonding — even if it was at kuroo’s expense , he looked like he was about to explode in tears of joy

that moment of peace left the moment the gym doors bashed open — WHO THE FGIDKFK WAS STANDING AT THE DOOR

BIG SCARY DUDE WITH WHITE HAIR

“ KENMA KENMA KENMA KENMA CAN YOU PLEAAAAAAASE SET ME SOME BALLS ”

“ not now , lev . ”

oh my god he saw you

no turning back now

the so-called lev widened his eyes , his jaw dropped for a few seconds before running back into the gym

“ GUYS , GUYS ! HE DID IT ! HE BROUGHT Y/N ! ITS HAPPENING ! ”

kuroo appeared like a deer in headlights as you looked at him dumbfoundedly

“ tetsurou . what , and i mean what , is going on ? ”

you watched as someone much much smaller than him — you recognized yaku , he was your classmate — literally kick lev across the back , causing him to fall over

“ they’re a rowdy bunch , y/n . but they won’t lay a hand on you , i assure you . they’ve got much more bark than bite . if they even do have a bite . ”

kenma answered you before kuroo could ; he was blubbering away with incoherent excuses answers you couldn’t even understand

a dude with a mohawk came up to inspect you , and you screamed

tetsurou slapped him away , before wrapping his arms around you protectively

“ don’t go near y/n ! they’re very shy , so please be careful ! ”

this is so embarrassing you might just die

kenma and yaku made sure everyone else yamamoto and lev gave you personal space

once they were all settled down , you actually thought they were a nice bunch — it also helped to know that lev was a first year , it made him appear much less scary

kuroo insisted that you stay for practice , and after some pestering from him and the rest of the team , you agreed

watching them practice was not what you expected

where was tetsurou kuroo and what did they do to him

you didn’t even recognize your boyfriend as he took his rightful role as captain on the court , helping the others and giving pointers wherever needed

the others fell in place , too — watching everyone practice was totally different to how they acted before

you were actually mesmerized , watching them — you didn’t even realize practice was over until kuroo walked over to you and told you that it was over

“ i-it’s over already ? ”

“ yeah , baby . it’s done . did you enjoy it ? ”

“ yeah . . . yeah , i did . i enjoyed it a lot , actually ! ”

“ well , if you’re up for it , the manager spot is very much open . but you don’t have to take it , i know you said this would be the only time you’d come with me . ��

oh no no no you were not gonna miss a chance to be mesmerized like that again

“ y’know what , tetsu ? i want to be the manager . sign me up . ”

cue a screaming yamamoto and long legs lev jumping for joy as tetsurou grinned like crazy at your response

[heyytalia]

hi Bianca, I read your 'about' page and wanted to reach out to you since it really spoke to me. in 2014 I had a traumatic event and got professionally diagnosed with the same disorders you mentioned, as well as insomnia. I feel like I should be over my trauma by now and I'm just so frustrated at how I feel stuck in place. I always regret not being a stronger person at the time. I think if I'd had a different mindset or a better support system (c.)

Anon, I can relate to you. I can relate so much.

Long letter to you under the “Keep Reading.”

First off, thank you for messaging me about all this. Doing so must have taken so much courage. I know how hard it is talking about these things. It’s scary and sometimes I don’t know how people are going to react when I tell them I have GAD/Depression, even when I’m speaking to another person with a similar diagnosis. Just being able to put words on paper, or in a message, takes every ounce of brainpower we’ve got. I’m going to try to use as much brainpower as I can to convey as best a response I can.

I was also kind of a nervous child as well. Extremely shy, kind of cowardly, helicopter-parented. But never to the extreme, just enough that I can safely say I’m not an extrovert. I wasn’t diagnosed or referred for anything psychological. By all accounts, I was considered “normal” (I hate that word in psychological connotations). But as I got older, I started having a lot of problems with stress. I started having migraines in high school. I started getting severe stomach pains before every exam. The stress got even worse at university when I went from being a straight-A student all my life to an A/B/C one and my self-esteem collapsed. I developed insomnia. I was homesick. I had a roommate dealing with alcoholism my sophomore year, and I was constantly worried for her health. That near-collision I had in 2014 (the one I mentioned in my About Me) was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was driving back from an internship interview (from which I was rejected anyway) when I took a protected left turn on a yellow arrow, and the light turned green and a car coming from the opposite direction at 50 MPH nearly hit me head on. If I hadn’t pressed the brakes at the right moment, I would have gone straight into the front of his blue Honda. I wasn’t the same after that. I don’t even remember driving home, the next thing I remember is sobbing hysterically as I open my front door. My mom was comforting, my dad thought I would just move on, my sister thought I was exaggerating. I didn’t sleep that night. The next few weeks, I almost felt like a zombie. Like I shouldn’t be alive. Like I should have died on that road. Several nights I woke up sweating, and I had this recurring dream of walking up to that same intersection, the site of a crash site, and staring at my dead body. These feelings were real, but I didn’t know that. I just kept getting worse and worse. I was diagnosed with GAD/Depression in August, after a week of panic attacks, hallucinations, and an ER visit in which I had to be sedated with a high Xanax dose. But I don’t think, until I got those first Lexapro and Clonazepam doses, that it really hit me I had GAD/Depression. And then I really ruminated on that, and the first thing was…

Guilt. I FELT IT, ANON. I felt it bad.

You’re not alone in feeling guilty about your diagnosis, anon. I think it’s almost a given to most of us with depression and anxiety. Our society dictates that people should be able to function a specific way, and when we can’t do it we feel excluded, shunned. Not to mention, a feeling of failure to our own families and friends. I had that and more, I felt I let everyone down. My family who I spent my entire life trying to make proud. My friends, my teachers, professors, everyone who ever believed in me. When I was young I felt like a bird, that I could fly anywhere. As if I was Icarus, ready to fly towards freedom and beyond. But that first bottle of Lexapro in my hands felt like a weight that brought me down to Earth. And I burned. And everything I loved, burned.

My love for all my favorite series literally became NUMB. I kept up with them, but I literally felt nothing for them. My archive for this blog for the Fall months of 2014 shows lots of cute Hetalia fanart, OFF fanart, maybe the occasional cute thing. I was a regular (still occasionally am) GIF editor for the Hetalia fandom, and still churned out the occasional one during this time. But it wasn’t me posting. It was my shell. I was afraid to let my personal struggles bleed into my healthy tumblr blog and ruin it, so I kept posting as if nothing was wrong. But it wasn’t the real me. The real me was waking up shaking, in sweat, on nights that weren’t filled with insomnia. The real me was learning how to eat solid food again (which I didn’t do until October, I believe). The real me was crying every day. If my blog was honest that year, every post would have been replaced with ramblings on fear and sadness. But I couldn’t do it, because I was afraid to scare my tumblr friends, and scared that they’d all shun me and call me crazy. And by perpetuating a lie that all was “fine,” I felt guilty. I always prided myself in being honest, and I felt like I was betraying myself as well as them, and the guilt hurt even more.

And when I was in those moments of guilt, I’d always ask to myself, “What did I do wrong?” “Did I do something to deserve this?” “Was there something I could have done?” I used to think that maybe if I’d been a bit more independent as a kid, I’d have thicker skin, and I wouldn’t be going through this. Or maybe if I’d been a better student, I would have had better grades, and my anxiety concerning my future would be lessened. Or, maybe, if I had been a better driver and avoided that near-collision. Or maybe, I could have made myself prettier, or made more friends, or lost a few pounds, or not accidentally hurt the feelings of that one girl on the playground in 6th grade that one time. None of this would have ever happened, and I’d be okay. And my family would be okay. Everything would be okay.

It’s almost like I was digging into myself, trying to justify in my mind why all this was happening to me. Trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Until one day, I heard some words said to me.

“Bianca, it’s not your fault.”

It was my mom who told me this, the first time. I had been crying and apologizing profusely over and over for what I was going through, a few days after my diagnosis. Telling her that I was sorry that she had to put up with an “insane” daughter like me, and wishing she had been blessed with a better daughter with no ailments, because she deserved better. But, my smart mom, instead of agreeing with what my fractured psyche had come up with, told me those words. And I cried. I didn’t fully believe her at the time, but the sentiment did stick in my brain like a seed, and I felt comfort. Of course, the guilt would come back a few days later, still strong, but I’d hear those words again and that seed would grow a little bit. The next time, a little bit more. More when I would hear those words in her arms. More when I’d hear those words from my dad. More when I’d hear those words from my therapist. More when I’d hear those words from my doctor. Until one day, something interesting happened. I realized the value of those words.

It’s not our fault. It’s not something we did wrong. It’s not something we should feel ashamed of. There’s nothing we did in our past that made us “deserve” depression and anxiety. One of the most important things I learned as a Psychology Major in university was that our brains, just like the rest of our bodies, don’t always work or look the way they’re supposed to. All of our brains are unique, and a combination of our own personal experience along with family genetics and the environment in which we live in make all of us different. It’s now commonly believed that some people are more prone to mental illness than others, just as how some people are more prone to heart conditions or diabetes. Nobody really knows why this is the case. It’s not really a science you can quantify or boil down to an equation. Sometimes, mental illness just…happens. There’s really no concrete explanation. You can dig and dig into your heart and mind and soul forever but you’ll never find one. It took a long time for me to realize this. That I wasn’t at blame for my depression/anxiety. That I didn’t do anything wrong. That just because my brain needed some extra help from medicine and doctors, didn’t mean I couldn’t be strong again.

Anon, sometimes our illness makes us feel like less of a person. But that’s just the depression talking. I always tell people, when you have GAD/Depression, there are two sides of you. One side is the real us, the one who loves and laughs and enjoys life as it is. The other side is the anxiety/depression itself. Sometimes, the second side “covers up” the first side and “pretends” to be us. That doesn’t mean the real side is lost forever, it’s just hiding. We just have to, pardon the language, call that GAD/Depression side out on its bullshit. Because the real us is the best us. The ones who fangirl over our favorite series and ships and stories. The ones who care for all of their friends and loved ones. The ones who aren’t afraid to try something new and be creative. Anon, I believe its still in you. You can still do it. You can still do all the things you love.

Your GAD/Depression may be an element in your life you weren’t expecting, but nobody can really predict such a thing happening anyway. Not even the most brilliant minds in the world can predict the future to a T. It was never your fault, Anon. Never. I want you to trust me on this. And I want you to love everything you love even stronger than you did before. Write those stories you want to write. Watch those series you’ve been meaning to catch up on. Draw to your heart’s content. Read some new books. Start a new craft. That love won’t come overnight, it might take months or even years (even now, I’m still learning to re-love all my favorite things again), but it will start to come. Take every day at a time, and don’t worry about the pace. Recovery varies from person to person. I myself am recovering very slowly, on the exact same dose of Lexapro I was on back in 2014, and I’ll probably be on the same dose for an indefinite amount of time. But the more and more I’ve accepted my diagnosis, the easier it gets.

I’ll leave you with some final tips which have helped me immensely:

1. Eat well! Lots of water, and healthy meals! Especially fruits and vegetables.2. Have certain activities to do during your “down” moods or anxiety attacks. I usually crochet while watching a relaxing tv show or movie.3. Exercise, even if it’s simple walks or stretches.4. Find somebody to talk to when you’re feeling sad, or write your feelings down in a journal. I find that expressing inner feelings can be very relaxing.5. Pet therapy! Go and pet a dog or cat. Some studies have found that spending time with cute animals can increase “happy” hormones in the brain, like dopamine and endorphins.

I hope I answered your message! If you have more questions, always feel free to ask. I wish you all the best, and all my blessings.

[pokefanbri]

1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.

So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)

But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.

They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.

But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.

But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.

But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.

Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.

God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷‍♀️ so who gives a crap.

These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful