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#I just wish I wasn't so fundamentally incompatible with every other person except him.
neverendingford
·
3 days
Text
,
#tag talk
#said out loud “I've felt drunk for the past week” and suddenly realized no you idiot that's dissociation
#anyway. I've been floating on clouds for a while and I'm absolutely not complaining it feels nice
#restarting my meds is maybe what's doing it.
#going off and then back on my meds has just been a wild ride all around
#oh well. I gotta stay quirky and weird somehow right?
#I've been thinking a lot about my breakup and how it wasn't even because of anything except that I got bored of him
#and even playing aoe with him is getting boring cause his skill level is way behind me
#the only person who moves the same speed as me is my brother. so I'm gonna go with him wherever he goes
#I do like him a lot. but also there's the knowledge that if I don't stick with him I'll be way more lonely
#moving out with someone else would guarantee that I'm leaving the only person in life who actually gets me
#and I would be depriving him of the only other person who even kind of gets him (I won't say I get him fully cause that's a lil arrogant)
#idk. I don't dislike it. but I'm trapped nonetheless. my course in life is laid out for me because I have no one else.
#I love him but I wish I had more than one person who I could stand being around longer than a few months
#idk. I do feel more conscious right now. more aware. I'm glad I have him.
#I just wish I wasn't so fundamentally incompatible with every other person except him.
#we're damaged in very similar ways and so we match. even the rest of my siblings don't click with me the same way
#I guess I'm lucky to have him. if I didn't I would be 100% dead right now
#which... certainly would be the easier simpler option
#but oh well. I'm cursed to live on this earth until he eventually offs himself
#we have a pact that we're gonna talk about the suicide beforehand to turn it into a murder mystery or something
#he said he wants my skull if I go first. which honestly would be cool as hell. I'd be happy with my skull sitting on his bookshelf
#he wants to travel and he's lined up to have a good job to let him do that. so I think I'll end up coming along
#idk. we're together for life because both of us are so incapable of making other meaningful friendships
#even his closest friends bother him constantly and he struggles to connect with them
#so we vibe in that regard.
#sorry if this is depressing as hell. it's just.. idk. we both are likely and certain that we won't die of natural causes
#but life keeps getting better. I've got plans to go back to nursing next year and I'm medicated so I should be able to make it through
#I've had my current job for over a year which is a personal record for me so I'm kinda stoked about that
#I'm getting bored of it but so it won't last forever but nursing should get me something new to work on
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