#I just needed to vent out that dream and writing it in my dream journal was not enough

[mio-the-clown]

@wxxfi IM SORRY IM SORRY

I genuinely felt so bad a couple hours after posting it that I nearly deleted it—

I will treat him kindly from now on <:•)

[yandereunsolved]

Yandere Aegon the Conqueror who’s darling is oblivious and therefore he invest in letters and diaries while trying to woe darling by doing ANYTHING but confess

Balerion: *sees Aegon’s letter draft and decides to be nosey and read it*

Aegon’s letter: My dearest, I wish nothing more than to hold you in my hands, to have you scream my name as my cock plunge into you. *proceeds to detail the most raunchiest, thirstiest thing ever*

Balerion: *clutch pearls*😟😟 and next time he sees darling he’s like “blink twice if you need help”.

Yandere Visenya is probably the same. I know Vhagar and Balerion gossiping like

Vhagar: We were flying over his house at 5 AM. WHY? Because she wanted to see if he had maiden😒

Balerion: They will do ANYTHING but confess😒 one time I read Aegon’s letter and clutched my pearl😒 but do you think he’ll confess? No.

Vhagar: Don’t Forget them venting and crying and over the silliest thing too

Balerion: He once fell to his knees and cried…WHY? Because she didn’t dance with him at the feast😒 sir she was dancing with her BETROTHED. Betrothed cancelled the marriage the next day too😒 poor miss has NO IDEA and think he’s being nice not knowing that this man spends his day stalking and dreaming

Yandere Aegon is writing headcanons about his darling and hope they become canon. Let's be honest with ourselves.

He has detailed works in novel length about how much he wants to impregnate his darling. Doesn't matter if they are a dude. It's happening.

He's figured it out! The calculations are in his 'equations about darling' journal.

He has a multitude of journals all with different purposes. 'Darling's emotions' 'Darling's likes' 'Darling's risqué fantasies' etc...

He has you down to fine point.

The dragons are all just like "who is going to tell them their personal freedom is in danger?" "they can't understand us." "we could just growl at them and scare them off."

they are all like "no. that's a stupid idea. we need them to like us. they'll need our help after all."

[howlsofbloodhounds]

nckdnsk howl you can't keep having these bombass headcanons while i'm still compiling stuff to write my fics (it's me, crowshipping anon) 😭 i'll probably share them when i'm done 🫣

jokes aside, since you want some two cents on killer and color being apart from each other...

cross takes the role of teaching killer about boundaries in relationships. he belatedly realizes that "wait, does killer have any hobbies or other friends apart from color?". and so it turns into a daily exercise of forcing killer (usually with violence sadly) to socialize with more people and find his own hobbies/activities not related to color. cross gets killer a secluded place to live (cross might have blackmailed ink into helping). cross makes killer decide on interior furniture, letting him have some choices in his living environment. baby steps, baby steps.

unlike color, of course cross is busy with his own stuff and responsibilities. i imagine he's on community service for what he did in the past. so cross is not just killer's only caretaker/parole officer. sometimes dream is there, sometimes blue, sometimes murder and/or horror (if they escape nightmare and once they're well-adjusted - i imagine they'd have an easier time than killer for... reasons), and there are other people as well. it's not a one-person task to rehabilitate a bad person - it's a community effort to reform them to be better!

(though i imagine for safety reasons, people usually take on shifts in groups. killer is still dangerous after all. i think murder, having previous beef with killer, will enjoy having legitimate reasons to fight killer and taunt him over his failures of controlling color and how he's not that dissimilar to nightmare. needs some tough love to get through killer's thick skull after all.)

after a while, cross thinks about getting killer some cats, though he is skeptical at first. it's not that he can't trust killer to take care of cats - he's just wary the caretaking duties and ownership might trigger killer's control issues again. so at first it's cat therapy sessions with ccino. killer has some alone times with the cats. maybe once ccino can reassure cross that killer can be a responsible cat owner, then it's time to GET KILLER SOME CATS!!! killer can adopt some hobbies, like crocheting so he can give his cats some fun accessories, or journaling so he can vent like crazy. oh yeah, and he needs a therapist too.

meanwhile, color is on his multiversal road trip with delta and epic. he feels excited and apprehensive at the same time. excited, because it's been a long time since he has time to spend with his old friends - he misses this so much. and apprehensive, because he can't help fretting over whether killer is okay or not - last time he saw killer, cross was dragging him away quite aggressively. epic is like "nah bro, cross won't kill him, don't worry. let's just relax"

so color is relearning how to be himself around people he love. sometimes color hurts delta/epic out of habit for not listening to him, and he's appalled by his actions. sometimes he begs them to let him see killer again, just a call, and epic and delta just have to flat out deny it for his own recovery. he can only hear updates through cross. sometimes he tries to sneak out to return to killer (yay portal powers!), but gets caught and coaxed into not doing anything reckless.

this is me assuming everything go swimmingly for both of them, though for killer it'll be much harder. imagine something goes wrong. like killer finally weasels one of his caretakers into bringing him to color, or color successfully sneaks out to see killer. imagine killer says to color that everyone is out to get them, to separate them. let's just leave everything and run away together. killer knows just a universe that nightmare has destroyed where no one can suspect. imagine color is reluctant at first, but then killer pulls out his guilt-tripping card again. he was miserable the whole time color wasn't there, so is color okay with leaving him? killer knows color knows killer is a terrible person, and yet color still tries to connect with him, not to fix him but to show him a better way to live. and isn't killer content with being with color, just the two of them against the world? whatever color decides to do, killer will agree. but, as killer proposes, if they stay, killer will not be happy, and will color live with that?

Grr yess thank you I Am eating this up more please 🙏 🙏 (crowshipping anon may I please be able to read your fics when you’re done with them???)

I am conflicted because I am like yes killer get worse you fucking vile creature and in the next I want to snap his fucking neck. I wonder if ink shares my emotions on this (characters in a story after all)

I can’t imagine what killers fucking journal would be like. probably alternating between literally everything about color and then just violently wanting to rip cross and dream and fucking dust to shreds because how dare they

it is probably the equivalent of that one post that goes “*writing in my journal with a glitter pen* I am losing touch with my humanity”

I know his bitch ass immediately zeroed in on his past victims—blue, murder, horror—and started tearing into them. probably knew cross would prevent him from physically doing so hes gonna do it verbally. hows fucking papyrus doing huh? hows that eye treating you baby blue? trick your brother into eating anymore meat horror? does he hate you now?

his ass would immediately use his knowledge and experience with/about nightmare to fuck with dream too. you can’t even save your own brother what makes you think you could save me?

he would most definitely attempt to sabotage cross’, murder’s, and horror’s “redemption arcs.”

theyre all gonna fucking hate him in these moments and its gonna take a whole lotta patience and understanding to not immediately murder him. (maybe thats what a part of him is hoping for) (looking at you stage 1, even tho you havent likely made a appearance yet)

his ass would definitely fake cry and pretend to be getting better only to just clock whoever is watching him out and attempt to escape (goes nowhere because he wasnt even allowed to know where color is)

but imagine the relief for a moment if color did sneak out to see him. before his guilt tripping bullshit.

like. like. cause I know his codependent ass was on the edge on a perpetual breakdown even when he tried to hide it and suppress it under his apathy and dissociate. his experienced mind is conjuring up images every horrible fucking thing that could happening to color, and stage 1’s anxiety is causing fucking constant nightmares and flashbacks and it makes it worse because I know he tries very often and frequently to shove stage 1 all the way down. (Nightmares still out there he hates color colors not safe)

no. no. he would just ruin everything, hed try to kill them—he wouldnt understand what killer is doing. killer cant die, color still needs him. stage 1 would be stupid enough to buy into cross’ bullshit.

i can just imagine the relief that almost sends him to his knees when he finally sees color. eyes looking him over everywhere—wheres the scars? wheres the bruises?—shaky hands (uncharacteristic) roaming over colors form. maybe even does something as dramatic as slams color against a wall with his body just for the drama of it all.

He’s real. He’s real he’s real—solid underneath his hands. Colors real. maybe so relieved there’s even some cheek nuzzles and maybe even some kisses from colors cheek to his throat.

and. and. and killer failed him. he failed. he failed to protect him.

he needs to be punished. he knows. color probably doesnt know but its okay he’ll teach him later.

and then there’s comes the exhausted but content full body sigh before killer melts against color and then here comes the apologies. for failing.

theres some reassurance from color—no don’t apologize its not your fault im okay epic and delta would never hurt me/let me be hurt—then it loops around to the fucking guilt tripping. killer im gonna snap your neck you prick.

oh boy imagine being killers therapist during this. hes gonna make your job miserable and like pulling teeth. hes gonna observe you and start using what hes noticed against you—the kids dont call anymore therapist person? oh your husband is dead..im sure its your fault.

and i can imagine back with delta and epic and color that if anyone tries to talk about killer he immediately starts defending him. like no it wasnt okay what killer did but come on he doesnt know any better (color knows logically that its killers responsibility to learn better anyhow)

id imagine that the experience with killer and the subsequent effects of instinctively hurting delta and/or epic mustve led color to those “hurting my loved ones” nightmares that delta is quite familiar with. and delta hates killer for this. he hates that he made color afraid of himself, that he did all that to someone he claims to care about more than anything.

“care about” his ass. this isnt love. this isnt what you do to those you love.

anyway i need color and epic and delta to cuddle up all nice warm and theyre there to comfort color when he wakes up screaming/crying. often times color just wants killer (the devotion when he looks at color is as comforting as it is terrifying), so at most epic and delta settle for something that could remind him of killer. a photo? killers jacket?

delta should get to punch killer in the mouth for this yes siree. epic gives him the immediate “yes” to the signaled question. (murder gets to beef with killer and also talks shit about killer out loud to papyrus & although killer doesn’t know it reaper and grimm know all the juicy details (murder talks shit while at their altars lmao) and are judging him harshly) (theyre like ‘damn bitch you live like this???’)

[fieldofdahlias]

i've been putting off an introduction post for so long, i don't even know why. anyways, enjoy! ♡

🪞about me: i'm dahlia (she/her) , i'm 24 & i'm a capricorn sun. slytherin & cabin 13. i'm from saturn. my favorite flowers are dahlias (specifically black dahlias). i'm spiritual but most of the time i just say im agnostic. i'm majoring in astrophysics. i'm currently writing a romantasy book. for the most part i'm an introvert but i don't mind going out every so often. intp.

🤎 my interests: astronomy (i love it so much i'm hoping to make it my career), gardening, wolves, coffee, winter, sunsets, reading, writing, poetry, romance, fantasy, horror, music, anime, films, art, digital art, museums, history, literature, conspiracy theories, hellenism, photography (cameras i own; canon powershot elph 520 hs & canon powershot sx530 hs. dream cameras; fujifilm xt30 II & fujifilm x100v), working out (i've become a gym rat), pilates

🦢 languages: i speak english and spanish fluently. i want to learn russian, latin, arabic, italian & portuguese. currently learning french.

🧸 aesthetics: cottagecore, academiacore, gothic, witchcore, gore, dark (for some reason that's all i can think of right now lol)

🖋️ what's on your blog? honestly? mostly poetry & random posts about how i'm feeling. every so often i'll repost or post aesthetic pictures i like. i started this blog because i needed an outlet for what i was feeling and sometimes journaling doesn't feel like enough.

☕️ asks: ask/tell me anything! i'm open to chat & listen if you just need to vent. i don't know you so who am i to judge you?

📸 disclaimers: minors, please do not interact! i may repost nsfw content. i will not stand for homophobia, transphobia, hate of anyones beliefs, religion or lack thereof, bullying of any kind is not tolerated.

that's all, i believe, i hope you enjoy my blog ♡

[oftlunarialmoon]

5 Agere Activities for a Rainy Day (Indoors Edition)

Ciao lovelies! We’re moving into spring here where I am, and with the spring, comes LOTS of rain. There are many outside ideas to do for agere, (and yes, even some rainy day ones!) but today, I’d like to share 5 of my favorite agere activities to do on a rainy day, or on days where I can’t go outside (snow, too hot, etc.)..

All of the ideas I’m sharing today are my personal faves!

Idea #1: Change your doll’s (or stuffies!) outfits….or make them some outfits!

Super old pic, I know (I have wayyy different hair now, lol), but this idea is still one of my faves. Picking new outfits for my dolls is always super fun and sometimes I even have a mini photoshoot with them after changing their looks. I can also turn this idea into a full afternoon of play by setting up a “doll salon” to select their looks and they each get a spray of choice perfumes and hair brushes :) 

If you don’t have clothes for your dolls/stuffies, you can also make them clothing or accessories! I’m aiming to put some tutorials of that sort on the blog and possibly on the Youtube channel soon, but for now, here’s some tutorials that I have already made to get you started:

There are many fun and simple methods for making doll clothing or accessories, I once again have to highly recommend MyFroggyStuff’s Youtube channel for this! She has awesome ideas and she makes it all seem so easy. 

Idea #2: Take a fun Bubble Bath!

Taking a fun and relaxing bath is a nice way to both regress, and practice self-care! You can find cute bath toys like these at dollar stores, and bath bombs, bubble bath, bath fizzies, etc as well! I even love buying the “bath puppets” which are just washcloths that go on your hands like a puppet, and are shaped like animals! I have a sharkie and a froggie. When I take baths or showers, I like to imagine going through a checklist with my scrubby buddy (most often Mr Sharkie) to make sure I get 1000000% clean! Sometimes I even make a little song of this and hum it to myself. :)

It’s also nice having access to fun body washes and soap! My current favorite body wash is scented from “Viva las Vegas SWEET” which is some kind of perfume thing, but it smells like candy, and it looks cute out of the tube! (it’s pink and shimmery 0.0)

I’ve also seen body washes for babyshark, Barbie, and other kids franchises! Oh, and even some grown-ups products are still cute for this too! I have a Hello Kitty sugar scrub that was intended for grown-ups, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t cute anyway! :) Oh, and Crayola makes body wash “crayons” as well, the tubes are crayon shaped and the body washes are colorful!

Okie, okie, that’s a lot of me rambling about baths, sorry >.<

Idea #3: Play Video Games!

Sometimes there’s nothing better than wearing comfy clothes, having a nice snack, and playing video games! On rainy days this activity feels super cozy and wonderful, and there are lots of games out there that are cute and good for agere!

My current faves are Animal Crossing New Horizons on my Switch, Sandbox Coloring App on my phone, Nintendogs on my 3Ds, and Minecraft on my PC! I love that games are on a lot of different devices, so that I can always find something to do~

I think Animal Crossing is a really cool game for age regressors, and the New Horizons one is very cute for a lot of reasons! I can dress my avatar up in cute fashions and i can even buy…..pacis! and…..Cute kawaii dresses!!! :0 You could make your dream agere outfits in this game, and i do it all the time, tbh!

Idea #4: Journaling or Writing in a Diary!

I love love love my regression journal! I use stickers, washi tape, coloring pages, crayons, markers, and more on it, and it’s really freeing to have a journal that doesn’t need to be neat or tidy. My daily journal is also my regression journal, as I am someone who is semi-regressed all the time! :3 I also do vent journal entries in this journal (to share with my therapist), and lists, collages, doodles, info pages…lots of things! 

I have an article on here actually about Agere Journaling! 

I also want to briefly ramble about my stickers, I have found 2 really good sources of stickers for my journal. The first is a subscription service called Stickii, which sends you a themed sticker pack every month, these packs include stickers from lots of independent artists and I really love each one I’ve gotten so far (I’ve gotten 2 so far.) **DISCLAIMER: I am not sponsored or affiliated with this brand, I just wanted to give a personal recommendation! 

The second is Blippo Kawaii Shop, which sells sticker mystery bags which I have an opening video of on OFT’s IG! :) I love their selection of kawaii stickers, and it’s always fun getting a package from them. Also… once again: **DISCLAIMER: I am not sponsored or affiliated with this brand, I just wanted to give a personal recommendation! 

Idea #5: Play with Legos or building blocks! 

Something that I love doing when I am small is playing with building blocks or legos! I like the Minecraft sets or the dollar store legos! :) I use the legos to build things for my mini town and dollhouse, as well as make dollrooms! :) 

Megablocks have larger blocks as well if you regress younger and want something more simple. Also… once again: **DISCLAIMER: I am not sponsored or affiliated with this brand, I just wanted to give a personal recommendation! 

You can use building blocks to make obstacle courses for your minis, specific types of buildings for playing pretend, mecha robots for epic battles…….>.<’ sorry my brain totally went to gundam XD

They also sell building block sets for making iconic characters like pikachu and other pokemon, as well as other anime and game characters! I think this type of block is called a nano block.

CONCLUSION: 

What do you think of these 5 agere activities for a rainy day? What activities are your favorite when small? Let me know in the comments, I love hearing from you lovelies and having great discussions!

And now for the most important thing in this outro…..I get to say……

STAY AWESOME!! You are awesome, just as you are, and you should look at yourself with love and kindness. Don’t forget to love yourself, whether you practice self-care, treat yourself, or take care of your future self by getting a task done ahead of time, self love is important!

Okie, all my ramblings aside, see you in my next post, video, or whatever comes next!

[aphrodites-garden]

Honestly just wanna vent right now because my brain fog has been so terrible and debilitating. Between the bpd, adhd, and chronic migraines it’s a hell I can’t seem to get out of.

Every project I write I have to look up a thousand synonyms to figure out what I want to say because I can’t find the words. Then I have to go back to the page again because I’ve immediately forgotten what I read. I used to keep a journal for fun, I just call it my notebook because I also make lists and shit that aren’t diary entries. Now I have to write anything I want to remember in it because otherwise I’ll never remember it again, whether or not it was fun. It could be one of the best experiences of my life and I’ll still forget details.

I’m exhausted, my brain hurts constantly, it feels hopeless because I’m in constant agonizing pain and it never stops. I can’t even describe how I feel it’s so awful, it feels like the energy that’s making my blood boil is crawling through my skin. It feels like I’ll never get back to how I was before. I know I’m a great writer but it’s just not the same anymore. I can’t feel like myself. The words just disappear, it’s like I just can’t make connections in my brain anymore. I’m in a place where I have help and I know what to do when it gets bad and I get help, but it doesn’t really ever feel better. My head literally feels like it’s almost heavy or something.

I want to be able to enjoy my life again. I want to feel as smart as I used to. I have all the knowledge but it just won’t connect. It’s like I read an entire instruction manual and have all the knowledge, but when I go to put the project together I just can’t do it. Like my hands are just too heavy and tired to even pick up one piece. It feels like I just want to sleep for a year or something because it’s so tired and needs a break. But I can’t because I have school and work and need to survive on my own. I have a thousand problems almost no one else has to deal with and I have to fix them in a body that doesn’t work anymore.

I’ve been called a compulsive liar because I can’t remember anything and people think that saying I forgot is just an excuse. I have to use it so much I don’t blame them if they don’t know. But as soon as I try to explain why no one gets it. They think it’s just lies on top of lies and it just makes it worse. I just want to finally be believed and loved. I’m dating this girl who l really really love and I think she understands, but she’s going to school to be a cop and I haven’t had a chance to explain to her why it’s not something she should do. She wants to do it to help people and we’re very similar in that way, but I think it’s just because she doesn’t understands how the system works. I’m hoping she’ll understand when I explain it because I do it calmly and try to give good points as I always do, but I love her so much I’m worried it’ll just end. We’ve only been on 2 dates and I might see her again tonight which means I probably have to explain it.

I’m just afraid she’s gonna turn on me and think I’m a criminal because of the things I’ve done. I’ve had to steal before to eat, and also a few times something small because I did something well and couldn’t get any nice things if I didn’t do that. It’s like I work so hard so I deserve a little treat once in a while like everyone else, like a cool pen or something. Basically nothing but even a few dollars is a lot sometimes for me. I’m big into social activism which means people often call us criminals for giving advice on what to do in protests to avoid police. We avoid them because they target us and try to arrest us because we disrupt what the government wants, because we want BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS AND FOR A GENOCIDE TO STOP. Because they want power and control. And I’m afraid she won’t get that and it feels like she’s the only one who understands me right now. All of our experiences together have been so good that it literally feels like a dream and when I see her again it finally feels like reality. A bunch of my shitty friends turned on me and I don’t fucking care, I hate them, it’s just that I don’t have anyone else to talk to now besides my coworkers and a few teachers.

So I just need to find a way for this to get fucking better because I can’t stand it.

[priestess-of-yuri]

why do we avoid pain?

i'm not talking about painful situations or people who hurt us. i'm talking about the emotion. pain, the feeling. hurt. the despair, the suffering, the agony we feel as humans when things happen to us.

the thought bunny (like plot bunny :P) of this post is that i wondered about dreams that make us feel hurt. if our dreams are painful, that likely means our brains are trying to heal the hurt we are burying deep into our subconscious, however intentionally. i wondered, why do we seek to wake up? why do we seek to escape the healing? why do we seek to escape the feeling of pain?

yes, it's a natural human instinct to seek to avoid pain. but have you ever actually thought that when you avoid the emotion of pain, you may be avoiding healing? pain exists to warn you about patterns in your life. it exists to warn you about situations or people, and deliver information about them. not necessarily about your worth as a human being, or what you truly deserve. baseline, you deserve the best and are wonderful. pain is your alarm system.

i'll say that again. pain is your alarm system.

it signifies when you need to tend to your needs. and then when you feel numbed out because you're experiencing so much pain, that's what you call trauma, or depression.

so what can we do with all this knowledge?

first of all, learn how to feel the pain. just feel it. sit in it for a bit without actively trying to minimise it. yes it will be uncomfortable, because that's the nature of the emotion. but try to understand the nuance of it. maybe write some things down. maybe vent in a safe place like a journal or to a friend. try writing a story or fic about it! maybe write so much you get addicted to writing and then start publishing. welcome feedback. think critically about what you write, but also treat it gently and with kindness. think critically about the feedback, and remember that sometimes people project. remember that you understand yourself best. remember that growth isn't linear or even exponential, it's like a circle. remember that all your emotions are part of being human, and being human is a wonderful, beautiful thing.

your emotions are your superpower. they tell you information. they fuel your aspirations. they are your friends, not your enemies. they just speak their own language, and you need to learn it.

---

i'm alice the witch! lovely to see you. if you like this, you may be interested in one-on-one readings from me. take a look at my pinned!

[blocked-zombieartist]

What is your favorite thing to do?

What is your biggest fear?

Do you believe in God? I understand if you don't' wish to answer that.

What stresses you out?

How do you cope in a stressful situation?

If you could time travel, where would you go?

Favorite ice cream?

Happiest memory?

Saddest memory? Understand too if you don't want to answer this one either.

What do find cute in boys?

Have you ever worn braces?

Favorite place to travel to?

Do you have a lot of online friends?

is there a birthday you remember more out of others?

Biggest pet peeve?

What do you look for in friends?

Favorite animal?

Book you couldn't live without?

Have you ever known some one who just annoys you like crazy? Don't' have to say who. Just if you have.

Dream car?

Do you like me? Don't have to answer that one either.

Might have more later, but this is it for now

And I understand if there are some you don't want to answer

Either read, practice my guitar, or spend time watching the Walking Dead with my mom

Betrayal and abandonment. Also anesthesia.

Yes, I believe in God

Letting people down, people fighting, looming timelines, and uncooperative people.

Deep breathing, removing myself from the situation if possible, drawing or journaling later if need be.

Jesus’ time. I have too many questions!!!! I need them answered.

Chocolate or moose tracks.

Having my little sister hold my finger for the first time when she was a newborn or when my loved one came home from the hospital after a heart attack.

I will opt out of answering this one. Sorry.

Cute? Messy hair, being fascinated by hair clips, loving animals, acting cutesy, a bit of clumsiness, rambling about one of their passions or favorite things, and just pure joy.😍😍😍

I have in fact, worn braces. Had them for about two years.

I haven’t traveled much. I guess Tallahassee since my family and I used to road-trip there sometimes.

Depends on your definition of a lot, but I do have a few, yes. And I love them all so much. I’m a bit of a parent friend to some of them lol. I love it. Love my friends 🥰

Either my ninth or eleventh birthdays. Gods, those were the days.

When it’s warm in a room or when I’m warm. Just a couple of days ago I was standing under a vent and the heat was blowing. Was driving me mad.

Wolves are definitely my favorite animal, seconded closely by cats.

Probably The Inheritance Games. Or The Final Gambit. Or The Virginian.

Eh, kinda.

Oh, now you got me going. A brand new Jeep Rubicon, set up with all the gear and parts needed to go mudding and off roading, painted a beautiful ocean blue… about this color.

20. Of course I like you! I absolutely love talking to you and hearing from you! And you were my first mutual on here, and I always appreciate the support you give on my writings. It gives me encouragement in the stuff I write. So yes, I like you a lot, friend!

[digitallumian]

I know i said i wouldn’t post writings on my blog since it wasn’t good enough but uh i wanna see what tumblr thinks

MASSIVE TW: Mentions of Overdosing, bullying, suicide, drugs, Thoughts of self harm

I feel like i forgot to add more tw’s but its 5am/srs and I can’t remember if i need to add more

Some Context:

This is an AU of a Kaiju Paradise rp me and a friend made where what we think would have happened if these Characters weren’t exposed to Laminax Labs at a Young age.

>Two ocs, Buck and Blaxor, are not mine and therefore, don’t have much written about them here. <

This is told from the perspective of Kanade Yukimura, an Idol/Popstar which gives an explanation as to why she takes a break near two specific dates each year since the beginning of her career in an interview with a Journalist. Below is what was said in the interview.

Ever since Fourth Grade, Me and my friends had to deal with our own personal issues that we’d tell each other, One of us had it bad. Koneko was one of my closest friends. We did everything together and we even started dreaming of becoming idols together. when we hit fourth grade Koneko started being bullied by some kids in a higher grade than us. At first, it started as just insults on her comfort clothing and Interests and Koneko was able to take it because she knew it was ‘weird’ and that's why she liked it, but the bullying soon escalated and started getting physical.

The kids, who were in seventh grade, would Constantly push and shove Koneko when they got the chance to and Koneko seemed to try her best to not engage because whenever I and our friends convinced her to go to teachers, counselors, or even the principal about it but they’d just tell her to ignore it or ignore her. One day those bullies pushed Koneko down the stairs and she was rushed to the hospital, she awoke a week or two later, and I was so happy she was alive that I didn't care about anything else, this is when Koneko started to spiral deeper and deeper into depression though. In first grade, Koneko started drawing, and by fifth grade, she started showing us her drawings.

At first, her drawings were adorable usually drawings of her special interests at the time such as Pokemon, Vocaloid, or My Little Pony but the bullying started getting worse, Koneko couldn't go into the hallways without being harassed by her bullies, and watching her suffer pained me. I tried to help, I tried to protect her but we were younger and weaker and I already suffer from a condition that makes me even weaker than I already am so every time I tried to help I always failed and I’d be forced to watch as she got hurt over and over after I was harmed.

By seventh grade, Koneko’s drawings started getting concerning. It went from just fan art of her favorite media to more gore and vent art, she always disguised it as her own original characters or from series like The Evilious Chronicles and I didn't want to question her about it as I didn't want to seem pushy or even seem like I'm trying to be invasive of her personal problems.

Koneko always carried a diary, she never let anyone read it and kept it to herself due to it being one of the only times she could talk about her problems. Buck, Blaxor, and I knew she was Genderfluid and how she liked girls, she had written that in her journal because what kid wouldn't? After all a journal is a kid's written safe space after all. Somehow during P.E. One of the bullies broke into the locker Koneko’s diary was in and stole it, During lunch we used to sit together at the lunch tables and that's when it happened, The kid who had her journal and outed out many of her secrets including her gender identity and preference, She never stepped a foot in that cafeteria again.

Eighth grade rolled around and Koneko had become a shadow of her former self, she stopped drawing and burned her journal one day, she started falling asleep in class and would push me, Blaxor, and Buck away and no matter how hard we tried to help her, she never let us. One day Koneko got access to drugs, I can’t remember what grade we were in but I remember that day very clearly up to a certain point.

I went to visit Koneko that day because I was worried about her, Blaxor’s Dad had to pick her up because she had expressed thoughts of self-harm in one of her assignments and Konekos father was supposed to keep watch of her due to ‘the schools concern with things at home’, Konekos sibling Hex wasn’t home and was at military school so when I entered I was hoping that at least Konekos father was at least there, but the house was empty, I felt a sinking feeling, I slowly walked to Koneko’s room hoping that the feeling would go away and started asking if she's okay and if I could come in. There wasn’t an answer so I said I was going to go in and check on her, I gently opened the door... and Koneko was there.. on the floor with a bottle of pills in her hand.

I froze, I didn’t know what to do, I must have blacked out or I blocked out that part of the memory because the next thing I knew, I, Blaxor, and Buck were at the hospital, I was praying to every God possible at that moment, Hoping that Koneko would wake up and be okay. Luckily she woke up and I was so happy about it that I started crying, all that mattered to me at that moment was that she was alive. She was sent to a mental health facility after she was discharged from the hospital and I would visit along with Buck and Blaxor, she seemed so much happier there. When Koneko returned to school the bullying started again and it got worse.

Someone told the whole school about Koneko’s suicide attempt and being at the mental hospital and so many people would say horrible things. It was from things like “she's crazy” and “she's unstable” to things like “You should try again” or “Next time you try to overdose do it right”, This caused Koneko to Push everyone further away and it got to the point the only time she talked to us it'd be online with our group chat and even then it would always be with short phrases.

I Liked her, Like really liked her, I never told her though because of my fear of rejection but I wish I could go back and tell her that I loved her because I look back and realized that maybe those three words would have saved her.

It was ninth grade and the school year was nearly over, we just had three months left and at this point, Koneko never talked to me or the others as much as she used to. They had broken her down and she went from a young and hopeful child with dreams to someone I didn't even recognize anymore, she lost her spark and what made her so joyful. I realize it now but Koneko had been planning it for a while because one day she seemed so happy and gave Blaxor, Buck, and me her most valuable and sentimental things. She gave me a lot of her stuff like her guitar. I should have realized what she was doing due to the sudden shift in behavior because...

it took her away from me...

It was a Thursday and It was lunchtime. I was eating on the rooftop because we no longer sat in the cafeteria after the incident, I saw Koneko come from inside the building and walked to the Fence that surrounded the school's roof. I saw her climbing it and my vision started getting blurry and I started blacking out as I realized what she was doing, I screamed her name to try to get her to stop but as my vision cleared...

She was gone.

I don't remember much after she jumped. According to people who were there, I tried to climb the fence too but two kids grabbed me and held me back telling me that I had so much to live for and just trying to calm me down. The school was put on lockdown after a while. I could feel my phone Vibrating like crazy as Blaxor and Buck spammed the group chat. I didn't care. She was gone. I couldn't stop her. I knew she was suffering. I knew she was hurting, I saw the signs and I didn't do anything. An hour later, the school called the parents to pick up their kids as there was an incident at the school. Buck and Blaxor found me on the rooftop with the two other kids as no one came to get us. Of course they wouldn’t, that school didn’t care about us.

Buck and Blaxor tried to ask me questions but I couldn't hear anything, I could only hear a high pitch as I tried to process everything, I just refused to believe it. We went home and I just locked myself in my room, I refused to eat dinner or even any food after that, I felt sick, I felt like I was to blame because I saw the signs if I did something she would still be here. I felt disgusted in myself because I felt that because I didn't help her, I was just as disgusting as those kids that pushed her over the edge.

I didn't go to school for a month, and I refused to face the kids who were the reason Koneko was gone, turns out she survived the fall and was in a coma, I felt a sense of hope that she would be okay but...

Koneko’s father decided to just let her go...

Now she was truly gone...

I spiraled and barely ate any food, I just couldn't bring myself to be able to eat because of flashbacks to that day. It hurt and it still does. I considered self-harm and even considered Suicide to escape the pain I was experiencing that barely anyone took seriously.

I returned to school a month later and talk about that day was still happening. I couldn't take it, I felt sick, I started getting dizzy, and passed out. I remember waking up in the nurse's office and she asked me if I was okay. She's the only one who cared about any of us, She was a mandated reporter though so I lied and said I was okay.

That same day an assembly about suicide was scheduled to happen, it also served as a memorial for Koneko. I hate that school, and I still hate it to this day, During the assembly, I blocked out everything the school said because it was all a lie, It was just lies and I hated it, I heard kids snickering and laughing during the assembly, I felt sick again, I hated being there. I walked out of the gym, Shaking and in tears and called my mom to take me home early.

I convinced my mom to let me stay home the rest of the year as I couldn't take being there anymore, she told me that I still would have to attend school next year which I agreed to.

I look back at everything that happened and I wish I did something, I still blame myself for it and I’ve been told that it’s not my fault but if I just did something she would still be here.

...

I kept her diary and her guitar. Her father reluctantly gave me her phone with everything still on it, I never changed anything on it.

On her birthday and on her deathdate. I always play her favorite song on her guitar or the piano with Koneko’s Brother, Hex. I listen to the music she used to listen to, watch the media she used to indulge in, and even try do things that she wished to do in life, Such as becoming an Idol.

I might be crazy for doing all of this but I don't care about what others might say. That school and the people in it broke a girl who simply wanted to grow up like every other person on this damn hellscape of a planet. I’ll keep living and I’ll fight on as a way to Inspire others like we wanted to do.

Just for her.

[kloofspeaks]

Oblivion | A Bradley Bradshaw Fictional Work

Words: 4054

Summary:

He threw his dreams down deep in his heart to focus on his failure, to him the world slowed down so he could catch up but it was starting to go faster the more he aged and the more he didn’t change. He had been stuck in this flooding stronghold since he was given the memory of his father dying, when his mother got fed up with his childish questions and finally told him. 

“The ocean took him from you.”

Chapter list can be found : here

Tags: @notyoursbutlewis, @bayisdying, @callmemana, @viothewolx

The water was calm, the scent of salt water stinging the noise hairs of Maverick as he was resting on the sand that was just mere-feet away from the deck of the bar. There were surfers spread about, kids speaking to their parents about their masterpieces that they made in the sand and then there was Maverick. He seemed to be watching every change in the water, how the foam changed after each wave, how much it curled, how it danced in the low light of the warm summer sun.

Who knew that something he found so beautiful would take two of the most important people of his life? He never knew the answer behind Bradley’s intentions that one fall evening he fell witness to the disgust of the ocean. Maverick wasn’t ever terrorized by the ocean even after Goose’s death, but Bradley seemed almost hooked up by a needle when it came to the water. 

Maverick didn’t know why..

but Bradley’s journal seemed to spill the truth behind it. 

Usually, the pages were used to relieve stress, the random doodles and complaints seemed to share how he felt. Bradley seemed to vent to paper rather than an actual human being. He wrote heartfelt comments, some were dated of his father’s death anniversary and they were always about the ocean and written in a deep red pen and a blue accent to the pages. He would ramble on about how the water seemed so beautiful this one summer night that he could remember it for days. 

The only page that was touched on the day of his disappearance was page 95, it only had the date written in the worn abused corner of his journal, the cover was peeling, the book mark that was engraved was worn and fraying. Bradley had used this journal up until the day he didn’t need to anymore. There was a little piece of Bradley on each page, Maverick sometimes didn’t even know where to look for answers so he went to the book when he was straying away.

And finally he found it after years of flipping through the same journal over and over again, the handwriting changing each time till he realized that the 50th page was stuck to the backing of page 49. Maverick’s heart sank when he read the page, it was filled with descriptions of living up to expectations, even Mav was mentioned a few times but the most noticeable thing that would claw at Maverick forever was the use of the word; ‘Fear’

‘It felt like it was piercing my skin, it was cold, I was filled with mass amounts of fear.’

‘I was fearful of telling Mav about my dreams. I was afraid of the disappointed look I would be greeted with at his door, so I didn’t say a word.’

‘I only tried to get over it twice, they both ended with a state of terror I couldn’t ever describe.’

Bradley was afraid to tell Maverick about the struggles of his life. He walked around writing about the haunting of the swirling water swallowing him whole. He had tried to fix everything alone. 

Maverick remembered the night they played dog fight football, after all the cheering and celebrating over Bob everyone had either gotten in the cold salty water to cool off or grabbed a beer, except Bradley. Bradley was the only person not to get in the water that day, he sat on the sidelines and watched like a stray puppy. 

He wished he paid more attention to Bradley,

how he felt, 

what he saw.. 

what he feared out there. 

Instead, he was greeted with a page. 

A page too late,

Bradley had already faded into Oblivion. 

—

Phoenix and Bradley were sitting in Maverick’s old hangar going through his father’s old stuff. He had just repaired his relationship with Maverick so they were all on break after the most recent mission. Phoenix was trying to make small talk while they put most of his father’s things in a box, “Remember that one time we got stranded out on the road,” there was a snicker after her sentence Bradley assumed she was thinking of what kind of expression Bob gave her when she stated they were goners.

“You scared the living daylights out of Bob.” Bradley pointed out, grasping his father’s helmet in his hands as he placed it in a box labeled ‘Keepsake.’ Phoenix had her tough stance fade when Bradley reminded her even more about Bob’s worried expression.

“I wish I took a photo of that,” She laughed.

“No you don’t, because then it wouldn’t be as funny.” Bradley was speaking out of his ass at that point, he knew they would laugh at it every time they saw it, photo or not. “You better not tell Bob you came down here just to make fun of him while he’s getting new glasses.”

“I wasn’t planning on telling a lick of anything to him.” Phoenix said smugly, grabbing some of the photos that Maverick sat out for Bradley to take home with him since he didn’t have many of his father. 

One of them was Bradley's family on the beach, they were in the water smiling like a small trio of dorks with their accents and colorful swimsuits. “Good, don’t hurt his pride, Hangman already does that enough-” Bradley froze in place when he saw Phoenix staring at the beach photo.

“When’s the last time you went in the water, Bradshaw?” 

“Couple years ago,” Bradley shrugged it off, believing she wouldn’t question him more about it.

“I would’ve seen you in the water if it was a couple years ago, we never separated.” Phoenix was right. She hadn’t ever seen Bradley in the water when they went surfing or just spent a free day at the beach. “Is there something you want to share?”

Bradley looked at her with a twisted expression on his face, he had no clue what she was trying to hint here unless she was trying to get him to explain why he didn’t go in the water. He knew the excuse ‘I don’t like swimming’ wouldn’t pass Phoenix as normal when he seemed to love it as a kid.

“I don’t think so,” Bradley wasn’t going to fall for her antics of trying to get information out of him, it took her at least two years to make him spill what happened to his family. He wasn’t ready to deal with her when he had to share about his fear of the water that surrounded the state of California. 

“Okay…” She came off wary, her eyes still on Bradley. She could read him like an open book, it was the way he expressed himself that made her realize he was hiding something. 

He always came off tense when she asked about his parents all those years back, the discomfort that would make even his stern voice crack. He didn’t like speaking about his weaknesses even when Hangman was around he was as silent as a bat. Phoenix would pick and pry till he finally cracked and spilled all his secrets to her but this one topic wouldn’t even budge. 

The asking started when he refused to go in the water after he yanked back on Bob so harshly that his glasses fell and cracked on the pavement. Bradley went from being filled with dread to repeating the same apology till Bob blamed himself for trying to force him into the water. Bradley was just afraid of the actions that Bob had pulled, he just grabbed his arm and led him out to the wispy waters.

One glance at the ocean made Bradley defend himself. 

He had to move, 

Yank, 

Yank back

“Shit, I’m sorry, Bob.” Bradley bent down picking up the other’s silver rims, “I cracked them.” He whispered to himself as Bob was just standing there staring at Bradley with a look of worry.

“Are you okay?” Bradley froze from Bob’s words. 

He just broke Bob’s glasses and the other was asking him if he was okay? It made him ponder what sort of look he had on his face that made Bob ask such a weird question though he had to answer, he couldn’t just stand there awkwardly holding Bob’s glasses out like it was a disease.

“I’m fine?” He furrowed his brows in a confused arch, letting Bob take his glasses from his hands. “I’m still sorry about your glasses.”

“It’s not a problem, they’re replaceable.” Bob snickered at the small crack in the corner of his lenses, he knew they were pricey to replace but he wouldn’t mention that to Bradley. 

The look on Bradley’s face was something that could haunt Bob forever. His eyes hollowed out like an old oak tree, his body flinching back and causing Bob to be pushed back. He was looking right at the water, the one thing Bob had been requesting to hang out with Bradley in and that’s when the rumors started. 

“Roo? Afraid? Pftt,”

“Not our Rooster.”

“He’s our fearless bird, how would he ever be scared?”

That’s when the looks on his friends' faces changed from worried to curious. Bradley was standing in a dim room, he could see their dark silhouettes staring back at him, he couldn’t make out anything but their eyes. 

Bob’s glasses were cracked, just like that day. He was awoken by the same dream.

He sat in a dim interrogation room, he could hear the sounds of waves that came from a seashell but more intense. There was a wall of clear see-through glass, his friends staring right into him as if they were blaming him. It was a silent dream but Bradley felt like he could hear them chattering, speaking about his fear.

How come someone so brave could be so afraid?

“Earth to Roo-” Phoenix waved her hand in front of the stached dirty blonde, “You good, buddy?” Phoenix tilted her head, her brows lifting with worry.

Bradley stared at her for a moment, he had zoned out, standing there in the middle of the small stashed away room of Maverick’s hangar, gripping in his fingers was his father’s dog tags. He had gotten carried away thinking about the event that happened that even led to Bob having to get his glasses fixed.

“I’m fine, just thinking.” Before he even got his words out his voice cracked, he couldn’t find the words to escape his mouth as he would’ve escaped that room in that moment. 

“You were thinking like a dead guy for about five minutes, are you hot?” She raised her hand to his forehead, she knew that day in California was a harsh one. The sun felt like needles to such a light skin. “You feel fine.”

“That’s because I am fine, Phoenix.”

“You never zoned out that badly before, it used to just be a few seconds. It seemed like the mention of water triggered it.” 

Bradley felt like her words were the embodiment of her pointing at him and accusing him of all his wrongdoings. “I was thinking about my childhood, the photo was just a lot.”

Phoenix’s worried expression disappeared. “Sorry, I must’ve been the reason you were gone for so long, that day must’ve been a fun one, huh?” She lifted the photo up to his face again. “Look at you little roo-roo with a big ol’ grin on his face.” She had this teasing tone that sounded much like a tone that someone would use towards their dog. 

Bradley hated it, she always did it because of his stern dad expression that would come across his face. “Can you just put it in the box and we can both forget this happened?” 

Bradley felt as if he had his journal he would be stressing away about his failure to reach even Phoenix and Bob’s own expectations.

“Yeah, sorry. Should’ve given you some space before I even thought about teasing.” She waved it off laughing slightly. 

Bradley had a small fake laugh as he went on to grab the rest of his father's things. “It’s alright, you were worried.” 

After that the room fell silent aside from the small noises Goose’s things would make when placed inside the cardboard box. Soon, Bradley was left there when Phoenix decided to call it a day. He was sitting on the coach Maverick had out, his eyes on the taped up boxes resting in the open trunk of his Bronco. 

His eyes felt sore and cracky, his hands grippy and rough. He was thinking again… thinking about his father. What would he have done if he had such a pain striking fear struck into his heart? Would he have conquered it already and had the same small grin Bradley had on his face when he was little or would he have.. never won over such a fear?

That’s the kind of questions Bradley used to ask his mother till her time to fade away in the air space of time. She would always try to give the best answers because of Maverick leaving them both, she couldn’t always find one that would please Bradley’s childish brain but it was enough to get by such a busy bee such as Bradley. 

“What would you have done?” He asked the thin air, his breath grasping, his eyes drooping from exhaustion. 

He would reach out and try to just feel something.. Anything at all. There was no one he could tell, no one’s expectations he could ruin. He knew he already met his father when he got accepted into the Navy, especially TopGun. 

“I would go home and rest.” 

Bradley flinched up and stared bug-eyed at Maverick, he wasn’t supposed to be here till eig- Bradley’s eyes flickered over to his watch, it was 8:30. Had he been sitting there for two hours? There was just no way, Phoenix hadn’t left that long ago and he swore that time was 6:30.

“Zoned out again?” Maverick knew his antics, the two hour zone out seemed to be one of the many things he started doing since the mission. It made Maverick ask him if he was struggling with PTSD from the crash. 

Bradley wasn’t struggling with PTSD from the crash, he was struggling with the memories of his dead father. “Yeah, I was thinking of what to do with all my dad’s stuff.” 

He lied, straight to his father figure’s face. He couldn’t break Maverick’s heart and tell him he was afraid, he had heard the rumors, the spread of ‘lies’ from the other pilots… nobody believed a single sound of those.

“Put it around your house is one thing,” Maverick sat down on the chair a couple feet away from the love seat. “Or put it with your mom’s stuff.”

“I’m sure mom would’ve wanted me to put the photos of him everywhere, she left them to you after all.” Bradley wasn’t shocked that she left all of his father’s things in Maverick’s hands. 

Bradley was off at college after his first rejection letter hit the fan, he didn’t have time to see his mother as much. He did remember the last visit he had though, he was wearing his worn work clothes when he stopped by. Her eyes were still filled with love and life, her smile brighter than the stars. 

She reached out

Her hand small and wrinkled in places,

Her eyes carrying small barely noticeable bags, 

Bradley reached out

His hand gripping hers,

“You’re going to be okay.”

Bradley cried in her arms that last night, the first time he broke down was in her arms. He couldn’t carry the weight of her death and everyone else’s hopes on his teenage shoulders, he shattered and then there was Maverick sitting there mere-feet away speaking of her like a distant memory.

“Do you think she would want the photos of your dad in the house?” He asked.

Bradley was quiet as he thought, “I.. would have to find some spots to put them, I believe she would’ve wanted them around the house before she got ill.” Maverick nodded standing up from the chair, heading over to his camper.

“I would head home before it gets too dark,” He threw his keys to him, “Snatched those while you weren’t looking.”

“Very funny, Mav.” Bradley gave him a tired smile before waving one last goodbye.

The brunette was right, he did need to get home. He needed to work on some things before him and the rest of the dagger squad got transferred again. He pushed his trunk back into the locked position and pulled himself up in the driver's seat. 

He took one last glance at the few photos he left up on the wall of Maverick’s things, there was the photo of him and Maverick looking at each other with victory spread across their sweaty faces and sparkling eyes. For once in his life, Bradley didn’t feel afraid of the water they flew above, he felt right at home. 

His greatest enemy was his best ally in that moment and Bradley wanted nothing more but to feel that freedom again. 

Freedom from a burden. 

—

The second time Bradley attempted to conquer his fear it was when he was fifteen. He dragged his feet in the grimy sand, his eyes staring at the water with a sort of bravery he could never grasp in his late thirties like he did that one night. 

Every moment was written out in detail in his rusty journal, the amount of steps it took till the water dragged him underneath it’s grasp, the feeling of his lungs tightening when he went under. He got out as quick as he stepped in, he couldn’t do it. 

It felt like he was drowning on air when he stepped out, his lungs pulsing, his fingers flinching, his body shifting left to right in a daze. He was trying to step back towards the rental they had in Cali. He was struggling to breathe, it hurt to even do something that he barely thought of out of his whole life. 

He thought he would’ve never passed out in the sand, but he did. He fell flat on the crisp sand of the beach only to be found by his mother when she got back to work. When he was asked what happened he gave her the white lie of not remembering even when he knew everything crystal clear in his mind. 

That’s when he took the journal he normally used to talk about his life and opened up a page that would change his life forever, page 50, the page Maverick would read over and over again.

He was once so worried about expectations, the dreams that haunted him of the dark figures of people he called his friends. They always gave him a glare of hatred, the whispering filling his already clouded head. 

There was one page that went over this dream that always repeated once a month, it was of his dad looking down at him and telling him he wasn’t good enough, he didn’t reach where he wanted Bradley to be. He woke up in tears that night, he had to conquer this fear- either that or he was going to drown in his mental stronghold.

He threw his dreams down deep in his heart to focus on his failure, to him the world slowed down so he could catch up but it was starting to go faster the more he aged and the more he didn’t change. He had been stuck in this flooding stronghold since he was given the memory of his father dying, when his mother got fed up with his childish questions and finally told him. 

“The ocean took him from you.”

He didn’t cry, he just looked at her differently, his eyes growing cold till she fell ill, till she turned sweet and apologized for treating him that way. Bradley couldn’t accept it till he trusted the water again. Till he could go out to the water without shattering his friend’s glasses to bits. 

Without his lungs filling with air and feeling like his chest was going to explode. 

Without the expectations pointing and laughing around him in a taunting circle. 

He was the reason the Bradshaw name was going to die if he didn’t win over this fear. He would beg and plead with it everyday, it always brought a new loss, the loss of being able to even stare at water, all he could think about is what he overheard Maverick and Carole once speak about when he was younger. 

“I couldn’t let him go, he’s just too valuable.”

Bradley could picture the accident, his dead father in Maverick’s arms while the brunette cried out his name. He had heard the incident every time he joined a new squad. 

“You’re Goose’s kid right?”

“You two both share the name, Bradshaw!”

“And Maverick was there when his old man-”

The amount of times his fist had hit another pilot's face would be one and it was a guy he barely remembered, he just had it coming, he mentioned his past too much. Picked at Bradley like a dead bird used for dissection. He got fed up and snapped like a twig.

He was soon transferred. 

That’s when he met Hangman. 

Through Hangman he met Phoenix and she’s the closest he’ll let anyone get to him, Bob was at about the same arm’s length. They both were people that he could trust, both people that kept their mouths shut even with how much they wanted to spill every secret Bradley had behind his failing heart. 

Bob knew some things Phoenix didn’t and Phoenix was the same way, even though they worked together they kept his private things to themselves and only shared when they both knew it was safe to. 

Hangman wasn’t a person that Bradley would be open with, his tough stature and demeanor threw Bradley off, he wasn’t a man that could hold a single thing behind his texan tongue, he would spill it much like dynamite and light his hopes and dreams up with a toothpick of a match. 

Though they were more rivals than anything, they looked at each other with their eyes ablaze with competition. If Bradley were to share his weakness was the ocean, Hangman would use every lick of that information to use against him. Even with Bradley being taller than the accented blonde, he still felt underneath him. 

He felt like there was more to life than just being an asshole that knew how to fly, but maybe Bradley was wrong. Maybe, the life that Hangman lived was something Bradley needed to look at or not since Phoenix and Bob hated his guts with a burning passion only a Phoenix bird could withhold, he didn’t want to leave his only friends in the dust either. 

He was at home but there was a person tapping on his shoulder at every waking moment reminding him of what happened to his father, the haunting fear of water that remained as a figure that walked with each step he took. He wore it like a necklace, it wouldn’t leave unless he took it by the throat himself and he was too afraid to make such a commitment. 

Instead of mourning his mother, he was terrorized by her face when she used to tell him all about the ocean and how his father died with a small smile on her face. It wasn’t that she was happy he was gone, just the memory of him brought a weak smile on her face, she was blessed with this cursed smile that appeared even when speaking of his worse moments.

Bradley could remember the moments his father would pick him up above the crowds, he could see the world from his father’s shoulders. 

He was safe in sound in those bear-like hands of his.

Bradley was still stuck in that moment, looking up at his father like an idol. He could remember the summer sun and how hot it felt to be pelted upon by it, the slashing waves, his mom laughing at his father’s jokes that made her smile like no tomorrow. 

He wanted those fearless days back.

[gmos]

i am so like. metaphysically exhausted i feel like im going thru so much rn i just need to vent with timestamps

like i have zero money so my card declined on my medical bill today and i have to make a bunch of phone calls to places that are only open on weekdays. and i have to prepare for a market but my heart is just not in it. plus ive been waiting to hear back about some other freelance stuff but it hasnt happened yet. so i just keep working on little bits and praying that it will work out. esp bc i have a tattoo appointment i made for my birthday to keep from totally spiraling but i obviously dont have the money for it right now.

and i have to go talk to bf's parents on monday and convince them that im telling the truth about anything w regards to moving. when they dont respect me and think im just some fairy trying to steal their daughter. and the thing is i am but its obviously for the best. and my parents are excited that im moving back but they cant really help me until july and mostly once we're already over there. and bc of how little money we have were gonna have to get rid of most of our stuff and either fly or drive a car across the country.

and all of this while i am getting sicker and sicker and ive just been getting sicker for years and usually it gets better in the summer but this year it isnt so im really worried about that. all i want is to sit outside in a pretty dress with a fun beverage and draw and write but the reality of my situation keeps creeping in. and its crazy bc the thing is pretty much everything aside from the medical bill is already sorted out and being dealt with and i just have to wait it out. i just cant get over how stressed out i feel and thats whats holding me back from fixing things, leading to them getting worse. they increased my ocd medication but the pharmacy hasnt called me yet even after two days when usually they have it same day.

what is going on. im exhausted. i havent slept properly in like two years. i survive off chocolate chips and microwavables and vitamin supplements. i spend most days alone in my apartment sitting by the window on the computer. this is not living. this is not living. i am supposed to be outside talking to strangers. i am supposed to be making the mistakes of a young adult. i turn 20 in 10 days. i have not been able to stay sober longer than 3 days in a row. i have near-constant short term memory loss. my vision is fading. i cant stand. once a week i go to the park and run until my ribs hurt, which is only about 3 minutes. i wear dresses over my hairy legs and combat boots. i get boba tea and coffee and ice cream when i have 10 dollars in my bank account. why isn't it worth it to live a beautiful life? why is responsibility the beginning and end of my life? when do i get to fuck up without being incessantly punished for the rest of my life?

when i was 17 i came to the startling realization that when something bad happens to me, that is the punishment. before that, and even still, i believed that i had to endure the bad thing and then be punished for the fact that the bad thing even happened. then one day i spilled olive oil all over the kitchen counter and my father helped me clean it up and asked if i was ok. to this day it sticks out as a dream, as if something so kind could ever happen to me. and yet i feel like if i had not been treated with so much hostility, i never would have been radicalized the way i am today. i cant prove either way, but i know that the hostility i am constantly faced with is unwarranted. yet it continues, so what am i doing wrong? the answer is obviously everything.

writing this has calmed me down. i am one of the few who benefits from journaling, even performative journaling, which is what this website is based on. one day when i die just a little bit before my time, my now-bf future-husband will compile my unpublished writing and art and notebooks and tumblr posts into a chronicle of my life, and then i will finally be beautiful.

[purplesurveys]

1737

Was the last person you hung out with single? One of them is, one of them isn’t.

Have you ever attended a private school? Yup, I attended one from kinder to high school. I only got to switch schools once – for college – because 1) my first school doesn’t offer university-level classes and 2) I actually had a dream university in mind.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? I’d say it was abusive in a few aspects, but as a whole I wouldn’t call it such.

Do you like drinking diet sodas? I just don’t like drinking sodas, period.

Can you make mashed potatoes from scratch? I probably could if I followed a recipe, but it’d just turn out like shit.

Have you ever cooked for anyone other than yourself? I used to bake cookies for my family, but now that I’m older I now know they were just being nice about the compliments because they tasted absolutely bland.

If your phone has a hole for phone charms, is it on the left or right side? I don’t think it comes with a hole precisely for that haha, but in any case I’ve never placed a charm on my phone. Just seems too Gen Z-coded for my taste. I like inserting a photocard within my phone case instead – like that’s the furthest I’d go as far as trinkets and such.

Would you rather live in the city, the suburbs, or the rural area? I would love to live in the city. I think I’d need the noise to keep my sanity. I’ve lived in the suburbs all my life and it’s mostly fine and peaceful, but I’m going with city also just for the change in scenery.

Do you know someone who is really ambidextrous? Not in real life.

Did you use a pencil today? Nah.

Are you adopted? I’m not adopted.

Have you ever had your car break down on you? Yes, and omg what a chaotic time that had been. I was on my way to a shoot that was meant to start at 9 AM, and it was like 8:30 and I stopped by a gas station to refuel but my car refused to start up again by that point. The gas station crew were really nice and all of them kind of checked up on my car at the same time til it was learned that the culprit was my car’s dead battery. My mom, who had been on her way to work, panicked for me and went all the way back to me (despite my hardcore begging for her to not be so dramatic lmao)… in any case we called up Motolite for a battery replacement and everything got resolved within an hour, or an hour and a half I think. Fortunately the shoot ran late because the TV crew themselves were late, and I was able to catch up with no issue. Who was the last person that cried in your presence? Gabie and Celeste, moments after Bea announced her resignation. 

Does your last name end in a vowel or consonant? I’m not sharing that.

When was the last time you ate at your favorite restaurant? The last time I ate in there would’ve been around 6-7 months ago. I got takeout from them just a month ago though.

What was the last thing someone gave you? Trina got me coffee this morning.

Can you write your name in a foreign language? I can write my name in Hangul.

Who is the person you often go to for venting? Depends on what I have to rant about. Sometimes it’ll be my sister, sometimes Bea and Trina, sometimes Angela…

Do you keep an actual journal or diary? No, this does the job.

Have you ever been prescribed Vicodin? I have no clue what that is.

Have you ever cheated on someone without them finding out about it? Never.

Was the last person you kissed male or female? Female.

Who were you with the last time you went swimming? Oof, I can’t even remember haha. When was I last at the beach…? Maybe last December?

Does your dining table currently have place mats on it? They’re not there permanently, if that’s what you mean. We just take them out if we have lunch/dinner together.

What was the last thing you cooked in an oven? I’ve never cooked anything in an oven. Baking, sure – that would’ve been cookies.

Do you say “I love you” even when you don’t mean it? I don’t think I’ve ever done that – I always want to make sure I mean it when I say it. Those three words hold such a heavy commitment lol.

Is it hard for you to be “just friends” with the opposite sex? No?

Do you prefer wheat or white bread? White.

[dearestaeneas]

resisting the temptation to ask you every one of the questions from the writer ask game and instead asking: 2, 3, 7, 13 (i'm guessing i know the answer to this but consider this an open invitation to share some fun lore), 26, 29, 30

kicking my feet and writing your name in hearts all over my dream journal

2) my two newest ocs are Matt + Justin! i was working on a thing for a zine i want to submit to, and the theme was 70s/80s/90s campy horror, so i picked just two lame ass 90s boy names. it's a silly little queer slasher story that i didn't expect to go so in-depth on!

3) uhhhhhh. my biggest self insert is probably that John Dearheart character i post little blurbs about sometimes. i realized i'm probably gonna need to change his name if i post more about him, though, because i completely forgot he's a Discworld character. i've been rereading Going Postal lately and while i was waiting for the library loan to come in i was scrolling through its tumblr tag and got whiplash seeing his name. it is deeply humbling thinking you had an original name and not only seeing its an already-established character, but an already-established character from a BOOK YOU'VE READ BEFORE. outside of him as my vent character, i put myself into all my characters! i'm very vain! Branwen and Ardan are my two biggest ones from hh, and lately its been Branwen more just for the sake of story themes :3

7) Celeste and the Old God is actually one of my favorite pairs to write about, and it's wild to me that i don't have them interact more. i think what really gets me about them is that Celeste's entire deal is that she's...normal. she has a "normal," healthy relationship with religion, and criticizing it is included in that, i think. and for that reason, those two are the closest to being equals. having one character be a devout believer/her religious trauma being something you actively get to see be established throughout the story (branwen) v. another character who's extremely cynical to the point of numbness who doesn't believe in anything (ardan), and in a context where branwen is genuinely helpless vs. ardan having more control than he realizes/freaks him out when he does realize it, it's so fun to write Celeste as being on equal playing ground. it's important to me that her entire deal is "actually no fuck you, you need me just as much as i need you." and i think that equal playing ground is why they have kind of a begrudging friendship.

i also like writing branwen and ardan together because they are bisexual.

13) not really any of them i don't do that kind of stuff<3*

26) American Gods!!! And Slaughterhouse Five. those are the two i always automatically say when asked! i read If We Were Villains sometime last year and it rewired my brain, also. i found it because of The Secret History, which also rewired my brain. Both of those books fundamentally changed my brain chemistry, but secret history did it derogatorily, if that makes sense. great book. i never think i have feelings about it until i start talking about it. Donna Tartt i am nearing your location. (also Piranesi!<3)

29) probably Harry Potter? unfortunately? (also, sucks that i have to say 'unfortunately'. like most people, those stupid books were very important to me at one point in my life! mostly because of the stuff i did with my friends because of it! go fuck yourself, Joanne!) i deffo wrote fanfic, though. i had a huuuuge fic i handwrote with a bunch of my friends

not my first fandom, but i thought you'd appreciate: i was also a huge percy jackson kid. obviously. probably more so than harry potter. i took latin in middle school, and one year we had this pretty big multi-part project where we could pick different prompts for different parts. super cool and fun, had i been the person i am now who actually like, cares about things and puts effort into them! but i suffered from the disease of all middle schoolers where i Fucking Sucked. i didn't realize one of my parts was due one day, and during the lunch period i speed-wrote percy jackson fanfiction that i had to Read Out Loud To The Class and then hand in for a grade. i got a 100, but only after reading it out loud, having what i believe was my first out of body experience, and then going back to my seat where one of my friends leaned over and said "was that the fucking plot of Mark of Athena"

30) good!!!! we're actively getting a snowstorm and i'm hoping it keeps up so work is cancelled tomorrow! who knows how lucky i'll be but i can hope!!

*if i was normal i could have left 13 at that and just let myself be funny, but i am nothing if not verbose. obviously hh! in taking up your offer to share fun lore, there's one character who i have been avoiding talking about because i think everything about him is so integral to the plot that like, making goofs about him would be a spoiler (is that...full of myself to say? it would be, though). that said, since the idea of "equals" is so relevant throughout hh, he's been fun to write because he technically falls on the Celeste end of the spectrum, but he's using it for evil. literally. a lot of his deal is unintentionally "what makes a god a god" and how he's this sort of nebulous figure because no one can agree what his deal is. he is accidentally my Odysseus character, and it kills me to admit that. little pansexual freak who wants to kill god.

[chrissyjournals]

No more headline title things? Well okay then.

The last time I truly journaled on this page, I thought I was happily married — but I wasn’t. I was in denial. Since then, I’ve been divorced, single, now attached very strongly and fiercely and right now, I’m scared.

A lot has happened in the past 14 months. I fell in love, haaaaard. I ended a promising fwb relationship because I was so head over heels for this man. God, I still am. I adore him. Also things that happened…I met up with my “one that got away” a few times and talked about a lot of stuff, including tonight, when I vented my frustrations to him because he gets me in a way no one else ever has, or probably ever will. I spent the drive to his house from Oshkosh thinking about the same things I think about often and dumping them out made me leave and just break down.

I don’t know what I’m doing. On one very large, very important hand, I am so happy with Luke. I love him so much, it makes my heart ache. Most of the time, I find myself daydreaming of a life where we live together, we spend our lives together, we grow old together, and we also share our lives with Xander. I dream of a life where we share intimacy of all kinds — share our hearts, minds, and bodies with each other in a way we’ll never share them with anyone else. I dream of a day where he whispers in my ear, “don’t forget, my love, that you are mine.” And I don’t even mean in the BDSM part of our relationship, because that doesn’t even come up in my daydreams often. I love him so immensely, so strongly, so fiercely, that tonight, when talking to Xander about a life without him, I just broke down crying. Hell, just writing that made me start crying again. I don’t want a life without him.

On the other less gigantic, but still noticeable hand, I’m so frustrated and exhausted. He never shares his feelings with me, beyond telling me that he loves me. That should be enough, right? I love hearing that he loves me. But I never feel like there’s passion behind it, I never feel a hint of the ferocity I feel. I don’t expect him to match it, not even close, but I’d love some passion. I want him to tell me how he feels about me, out loud, break the habit of expecting me to just know. I need some romance, I need some effort, I need some feeling beyond neutrality. I love him for how easygoing he is, I love him for how much he balances out my hyperactivity, but I just need to feel wanted, desired, loved.

And speaking of desire…our sex life. I feel like we’ve talked it to death but nothing changes. I try to be patient, I try to be understanding, but my patience is wearing thin. I feel unattractive, downright fucking ugly. I feel like he’s not attracted to me in the slightest. I feel like he’s settled for me because I’m here and he wants someone around. I feel like he doesn’t want me even a little. Asking him for sex makes me feel so pathetic and like I have to put in so much effort, only to be shot down over and over and over. I told him very early on that I have a high sex drive and he promised to try to meet my needs. I ended my fwb relationship because I thought we would have a sex life. In the past 14 months, we’ve had sex maybe 10 times and that is so little that that also makes me cry. I’m so fucking sexually frustrated. I try not to ask for it a lot, I try not to be demanding, but I feel like I’m being so patient. Every time he shoots me down, it’s like a knife to my self esteem, and I just feel so ugly because it’s a pattern of him never wanting me.

I’m so frustrated with him and I just want to call him and wake him up and hear his voice and hear him tell me that he loves me because I feel so lost and confused and I miss him so much. I just want to go to him and snuggle him and cry on him and just be close to him but I wouldn’t be able to let him sleep. I need him so badly and I need fucking answers from him. I need him to truly talk to me, to open up to me, because I feel like I know nothing about how he feels about anything. He has told me he doesn’t want to have sex because he’s not good at it, but if I didn’t enjoy it, I wouldn’t want to do it with him. Clearly he isn’t bad at it. I mean, I do most of the work anyway haha

I also worry that he’s depressed. It sounds like his life was so much fuller when he lived in Colorado and had a life there. He doesn’t have any interest in doing anything by himself and I worry so much that he’s just drifting because he has no drive or motivation. I want so fucking badly to see him happy. I want to see him thrive, not just survive. I want to see him have a fulfilling life. I’m so glad Franklin came into his life because now he has something to make him get up and move around. I hate to think about him struggling to make it through life being truly happy because he is such an incredibly sweet person, he deserves to be so happy. I wish I was part of what made him happy in life, but I feel like I’m just a fixture, not a joy. I want so badly to bring him joy.

Sometimes I think about this stuff on my drive down to see him. I ask myself if this is enough for me. If having a fwb would help fix my sexual frustration? But then I see him and all I want in the world is to kiss him, to hug him, to snuggle him, to make jokes with him, to just be close to him and hear him tell me he loves me and follow it up with a forehead kiss. I get scared because I’m not sure what to do and then he texts me “where’s my babiebumble 🐝” or calls me a “dumb 🐝” or calls me “babiecakes” and I’m all smiley and it takes the edge off. I worry because I’m so lost and I don’t know what to do and I worry because I don’t know if I’ll be happy long term being constantly sexually frustrated…and he says something or does something or I see him and it melts away. Im so worried that resentment will grow, which is a valid concern…tonight, Xander and I discussed nonmonogamy. I said that maybe I need to get my needs met elsewhere, and Xander agreed that it is a valid option. He asked if I think I can do it and I said I know that I can, but I don’t know if I want to. I want LUKE. I want intimacy beyond snuggling, even tho snuggling with him is one of the best feelings I’ve ever felt. I want to be closer, I want him inside of me, I want to feel him against my body, I want to passionately kiss him, and I want to laugh with him when we say or do something silly or weird in those moments. Sure, I could get my sexual needs met elsewhere — I have the option. But I don’t know if I could fully believe that Luke would be okay with that.

I honestly don’t know what to do. This is not a relationship I want to end — not in the slightest. I want to spend my life with this man. I want to enjoy every moment that I can with him. Outside of those things, he makes me INSANELY happy. I worry about him all the time and I get frustrated a lot but seeing him and having him wrap me up in his arms makes it absolutely melt away and I feel like I’m right where I’m supposed to be. He feels like my other half, the complement to my insanity, the calm I needed so badly in my life. He just feels right. He feels like exactly the person I wanted, in almost every way. I love him so intensely that just the thought of losing him or letting him go makes me feel like I’m going to throw up and I can’t not cry. I can’t live my life without him — I won’t.

[notmyiclea]

hello i need to, uh,,, vent online

Normally I'd just write about this in my journal. But that isn't enough right now. I want to post this online because it's exciting to think that it'll be seen and read by someone, anyone, and my emotions will be felt by someone other than myself.

tl;dr: I'm ready to spend my life with this man.

Over the last 3 months, I have been consistently experiencing the kind of love I've always dreamed of. I've had the grand honor of getting to know a man who is everything I could ever want. The kindest gentleman, the strongest provider, the [redacted for being nsfw], and the most romantic lover.

I met him during a time where I hated men. The men in my life at that time were toxic and selfish. I was being used and toyed with and unappreciated. I had been r**ed by someone I thought was my friend, and had since denounced intimacy and thought it would be literal years before I even considered dating again. I'd just removed them all from my life and was trying to focus on myself when we met. And, at first, I didn't even have a romantic interest in him. I admit that I felt an instant connection with him and wanted to know him better, but I didn't recognize it as attraction. It wasn't until our next chance encounter that I realized I had developed an interest.

He was different. I knew that the moment I first spoke to him. He was like me, and we got along easily. Yet, when we eventually admitted to having an interest in each other, I was hesitant. I was afraid that it wouldn't go well. I was skeptical. I was worried he might end up being like all the other men. But I decided to trust him. He had been so respectful in every interaction with me, even after I intentionally tried to get a rise out of him, so something in me knew it would be alright.

tl;dr for the remainder of this post - I think it could be summed up in this sentence he used a mere week after our first kiss, 3 days after our first date: "I'm definitely excited for our future."

If you're still reading, I imagine you're invested. So I feel comfortable telling you this: I genuinely believe this is it. I was locked in immediately. We went on one date and I knew I wouldn't want anyone else to have him. I could already see myself being upset if I ever saw him with another girl; I knew right away that I wanted him, forever.

So... It's been... REALLY hard... to be "normal" about it all. And he hasn't been helping. From the beginning, he's been doing and saying things that feed my resolve. Before we'd even kissed, I think even before acknowledging the mutual attraction, I'd borrowed a sweater of his and he joked about me "already stealing [his] hoodies". And he seemed to really want me to actually steal it lmao! Then after we began seeing each other, he made more and more jokes and comments that suggest he regularly thinks about a future with me. He's alluded to things like living together, buying land together, getting married, having children, growing old together. And I eat it up every single time. The most recent one happened this past weekend, where he pretended to be slipping a ring on my finger. We weren't even talking about it, and he didn't say anything as he did it. He just took my hand and made the gesture, and reveled in my immediate embarrassment as I pulled my hand away and hid my face while giggle-screaming once I realized what he was doing.

I love him so much, and I want to do everything I can to add to his happiness. I would do anything for him. I want to shower him with all the love and care and affection he could ever wish for. He hasn't been loved properly in the past, so it is my greatest honor to have this opportunity to show him how deserving he is of deep, divine love. It is my wish that he never spends a single day questioning my feelings for him. He treats me like a queen, an angel, a goddess, and I want to make sure he always knows how much I appreciate him and everything he does for me. He takes such beautiful care of me in every aspect, so it's only natural I care for him in return. Every single day, I am constantly thinking about how much he means to me and how extremely grateful I am to have met him. I am so blessed to have been placed in a position to cross paths with him. I am so thankful to the people in my life who made it possible. Fate was really looking out for me here, because it is absolutely wild that we even ended up meeting. All the different things that had to happen in order for this to come to fruition... Insane.

I know three months sounds like nothing, but this is truly everything I've ever wanted. "When you know, you know." 1.5 months after it started, I looked up a hundred accounts of people Knowing quickly and it working out well for them, just to try and not feel alone in my decision.

I'll stop here. It's only a fraction of everything I wish I had the time to put into words. Thank you to anyone who reads this. I am just so overwhelmed with emotion right now that I had to share it. I can't keep it to myself anymore.

[euphoricdr3ams]

as trash as it is. its something very releasing to vent to the internet about my problems than to just write in journal where i basically just feels like I'm talking to myself...

I've been talking to myself so much in my head that i want basically need to share with the outside people. But thats a double edge sword because people are tired and exhausted and have their own shit going on. And if they do have the emotional capacity to deal with me. Its a slippery slope. Like how real can i really be with you. if i say this one thing will i make you upset about something you repressed too.

But I also can't be on a constant zoom call with my therapist either soooooo to the internet I come with all of my problems. :)

I think what im gonna do right now while under the influence is unpack at least one statement via written format that my friends have been screaming at me for months. that if it could just instantly process in my mind what would it be.

She said "I wish you understood that you deserve better than what you think. You are worthy. And i wish you appreciate yourself as much as i appreciate you"

I may have messed up that up but that was the gist of it. Sooooo that was really sweet and honestly lets just start here and maybe we'll come to a realization by the end of this post.

Its kinda telling my first reaction was how i feel like ive been slacking in the friend department and how i wanna just rush and be done with all of this so i can be the bright and bubbly person i knew myself to be.

"I wish you understood that you deserve better than what you think."

I kinda just at here and stared at this statement for about 3 mins. Well on first notice. When i try to repeat that to myself it sounds like nice and definitely some stuff i said to hundreds of people in my life. Permeant and passing guest in this story. But repeating that phrase back to myself just sounds phony.

Like what is so interesting about me that assumes i deserve better. Like at the end of the day, we're all humans so why should i live with this air of what i assume is arrogance that I am immune to the trails of this life and that I who has had such a leg up in this world. Deserve more than someone else who there's no competition has had it way worse. So to everyone else yes to me no. Honestly thats BS. I should give myself the same grace and space as i do everyone else but its like when i try to reach for the empathy string for myself its as if we've run out of thread.

Like if life was a game. Which it is. Then, how can someone who came in with at least plus 2 fuck up so bad. Like at this point. I would just be somewhat happy to finish. Cuz trying to make some sort of rebound or comeback from that sounds impossible so why even try to let that idea sink in your head. So at this point. Just finishing is a leg up. Cuz even that is alot. And its kinda like how dare you like waste the efforts of the people who helped you get to this point. Like its a long history. Your ancestors and the people in your life right now so how could you fuck up. Like you should have been really paying attention when people are sharing their stories. You would have saved yourself so much headache. soooooooooo why should i dream about better. I know im stuck in a toxic thinking trap with that last blurb but like this isn't no healed chronicles. We're basically starting from the beginning and maybe we'll reach some healed state by the end.

I guess since my thoughts are basically below the earth crust. It's hard to imagine better than where i'm at right now. I paused tbh. I let the same song loop twice before really type again. I think theres something below the earth crust and thats about how dark my thoughts are. XD

its not funny. but its also hilarious at the same time. Yea my perception of myself so down. I felt the most full as a person and as a human being when i had my ex. Like i felt like i was better and i could do better and that i was worthy. And its not like he was really all that. Honestly he was a piece of shit. If the two people i have on here actually made it down this far. They could write a 100 page paper on how trash he was and how he doesn't deserve anything good ever again. But that level of anger i cant find it there for him fullly. Most of that resent is back at me for not smacking the dog shit out of him and leaving. He even suggested i do it. and i couldn't. I really loved that man and the thought of doing that even after all that is so bad. I wouldn't forgive myself. I wanna be able to do that but its not there cuz i dont deserve it. ughhh. Like all i can really feel is sorrow that i couldn't be all that he needed and thinking i failed him.

Im really pathetic.

I'm kinda really happy that i'm so lit right now cuz i would be having a whole meltdown.

Like the thought is that, at least he wanted to stay for a while. Most ppl just take an immediately leave. They dont even ask so i should be grateful.

Honestly I think thats part of the reason Why i was so happy regardless of the situation. Also doesn't help I have this song on loop. It about the listener be happy to die right now because they already found their person so they've already peaked. Its like a love song out of desperation instead of confirmation that the other person feels the same.

if i would have died during that relationship i would have said i went out happy. This was how i felt before all the fuckery started. I was so happy with my love and just him that i could have been just happy. He never was. He wanted more as he sucked all of that in the moment happiness i had and turned it into just a depressing mess. Turned it into someone who has so much anxious energy its ridiculous.

Out of the 2323232323233232323232232323232 *many* people i have had sex with at least he wanted to be here :) for a bit until he basically just lied about everything and took off his facade. Then i was tossed out like the trash. its coool i find a way to recover. Even if i have to just :). My way out of this. It's worked a bit up to this point. Why would it not work now...... right? I'm fine. I have no choice but to be.

I was gonna finish this but I'mma need a minute. Maybe that was ambitious of me. I feel a bit panic-y and dizzy so imma just chill for now. Till next time i guess