#I just lost weight because I was like oh I'm a bit overweight not because I was insecure

[lovejosephquinn]

joe being self conscious about his body because he gained weight back after playing eddie and everyone on social media was commenting on it, so he tries to stealth diet but the reader isn’t having it...he winds up cuffed to the bed while the reader gives him the sloppiest head of his life and rides him lovingly

The filth that entered my head when I read this idea, oh my GOODNESS.

I honestly would be so sad if it really got to him if that was the case but we're all human right???? HE'S PERFECT IN ANY SHAPE TYVM

Thank you so much for requesting x

Warnings: slight angst, fluff and 100% smutty smut

Word Count: 1.6k

UNDER 18'S DNI x

Nobody Compares To You.

Joe had tried everything to keep his weight down from seeing the comments that had been made about him from certain individuals since he'd finished his role as Eddie in Stranger Things, he'd begged you to let him try just one last diet before he gave up completely. It completely angered every cell in your body that he would even think he needed to lose weight, the anxiety it caused him was uncanny.

He was by no means overweight; you knew he'd had to lose a little bit of it for the role originally but how he'd got into his head that he'd put all of his weight on was ridiculous. Joe wasn't usually one to listen to other people's stupidity but being thrown straight into the limelight was something that had seemed to put instant pressure on him to look good. Your man always looked fucking fantastic, and it was obvious that in the end going to be down to you to get this vision of himself he'd got out of his head and stop listening to the people diminishing his self-confidence.

You walked in from work one particular night, and it was the final straw. You caught Joe staring at himself in the mirror, pressing down onto his stomach (which was naturally toned in itself). You greeted him, giving him a soft kiss to his lips. "Hello my love. Did you eat dinner already?"

He shook his head as he threw you a sad look. "No, I didn't eat today, I didn't feel like it."

You threw your bag to the floor in a tantrum, you'd given it a few weeks to see if it had blown over, but now you were truly noticing the effect it was having on his mental health, never mind anything else. His eyes flew to the object that landed with a thud and you finally spoke out after pandering to his needs. "Joe, for the life of me I can't understand why now you choose to worry about your weight, you've never been bothered about what people say, you're usually so confident and now you've truly become obsessed by it. You're perfect, baby, why? You're so beautiful in every way, you look comfortable with yourself. You were like this before you lost weight for Eddie's role. There's nothing wrong with you, I'm sorry if I sound harsh - I'm not just getting it, help me understand."

He was taken back by your words as you took his hand, led him into the living space and pushed him straight down to the sofa, he would get it into his head one way or another and you were finishing this tonight. You moved back and forth in front of him trying to regain your composure. He opened his mouth and then closed it again, clearly thinking about how to come out with what he was about to.

"I'm just listening to them because in the end it all comes down to you, I just don't want you to find out that you're less attracted to me anymore."

Absolutely not, never.

"Are you being serious Joseph" The use of his full name was only used in particular moments, he knew you were upset. "You are such an idiot. If anything, I prefer your natural self, you're toned, you look healthy, and your glow is perfect. I am obsessed with you, how could you ever think that I wouldn't find you attractive, ever?" Your face dropped, you'd have to use your actions, because words were clearly not enough at this point. You dropped to your knees and started to undo his button and zipper on his trousers, there was no time to waste here.

"Love, wait, what are you doing?"

"Showing you how much I still fucking love you, Quinn, if your head won't listen, your dick certainly will."

He head in fact was infatuated by the idea as pushed his hips up so you could take his trousers and boxers off in one foul swoop, chucking them over to the other side of the room, abandoned and forgotten.

You spat on your hand and began to pump his now semi erected cock slowly. It wasn't just Joe's handsome face or his body that wound you up, his cock was just as god damn perfect as the rest of him.

It didn't take him long when he was in the warmth of your hand to get rock hard for you, it's just what your touch does to him. You look up from where you're kneeling in front of him. "You ready for the best damn blowjob, baby?"

His nod was fast as his eyes glared down to what was going on in front of him. "Are you ready?"

Before he could answer you hold up his member, licking a stripe from his balls all the way up to the tip and the delicious whimper that came out of his mouth was captivating, there were no sounds like the ones your boyfriend came out with during times like this. Your lips hovered over his end, making his heart race at the thought of feeling your lips around his cock, you looked up to him and smiled making him bite his lip, he loved nothing more than seeing you cock hungry as you let out that little smirk that drove him crazy. Your hand was holding the bottom, you covered the tip with your lips and sucked slightly, earning another moan out of Joe's mouth.

"Fuck." He threw his head back as you started to take his cock into your mouth, inch by inch, little by little until you found all you could take and sucked at a moderate pace. Throbbing in your mouth, you used the rest of his cock left free to twist your hand around.

"Baby, slow down, it feels too damn good, if you keep this up I'm going to cum soon."

You took his cock out of your mouth in an instant and shook your head, leading your thumb to cover the top of the tip, pre cum leaking onto it. "You'll cum when I say you can cum, Joseph." You removed your thumb and placed it into your mouth to taste the fluid. His bottom lip was being bit so hard by his teeth that he could've drawn blood. Submissive Joe was something you loved to see every now and then, and right now he was caving to your every move.

Without warning, you pushed your head right down, taking a little more than you could handle, gagging and groaning, saliva dripping out of your mouth and more pre cum sliding its way down your throat. Moving your hand down to his balls to massage them tight. He tasted so good.

"Y/N, please, I-I'm so close."

You ripped yourself apart from his erection, standing up and lifting your dress up and bringing your panties down.

"W-what are you doing now?"

He stared at you as you mounted yourself onto his lap, you were soaking through your panties as soon as you'd started to touch him so there was no need to get yourself ready. Taking him into a heated kiss, your mouths were writhing against one another. You took the opportunity to surprise him by pushing your hand between you and sitting down on his cock until he was buried deep in you, the fullness got to you as much as it did him. You broke the kiss and pressed your foreheads together, not taking a second glance anywhere else but at each other while you began to bounce on his cock quicker than you'd ever started too before. This was definitely all about him.

His breathing became heavier as you watched his mouth gaping open, the profanities, the moans, the way your name fell out of his mouth with such desire. His cock hit your sweet spot with every rebound, causing your hands wrapped around the back of his neck to scratch where they sat, leaving trails of nail marks.

"I'm begging you, baby, let me come inside of you, please, I can't hold it much longer, your tight pussy feels too d-damn g-good"

You stopped bouncing suddenly and proceeded to sway your hips in a slow but fierce pace, riding the life out of him. His moans were so loud, the way he held your waist in place and squeezed his fingers when it felt the best, he guided your hips to move you faster. "Cum for me, Joe, right now."

He needn't hear another word as leaking nerve began to explode. You felt it, clenching your walls to get more release out of him, the way you'd built him up and denied his orgasm at first, only made it more powerful and in turn over stimulated the hell out of him. Joe panted for breath; your name cursed out of his mouth as you rode him through his climax.

You climbed off of him, leaving his now softening dick wet against his stomach as his head lay against the top of the cushion, staring into nothingness, clearly seeing stars and too hypnotised to notice you'd gone to clean up. You brought a towel to sort himself out too once he'd regained full consciousness.

You pulled your panties up and handed him back his clothing. You sat by him on the sofa in complete bliss, there no was no other way to feel when you and Joe shared an intense situation like that. His arm creeped around your shoulder and pulled you in for you to lay your head on his chest, you could feel his heart returning back to a steadier pace as you arched your neck up to look at your significant other. "Now do you believe me? That I'm crazy for you and I love you so much, today and every day."

He looked down to hold your stare, his eyes looking a little brighter now. "You proved your point, Y/N. I love you so much more."

[animal-lover-forever]

Guys.

I've given up on life. 😔

So I'm eating this shit as my first meal of the day.

It's 11 A.M.

So I guess it's brunch.

My homemade cake, a Ding Dong, (It just said a chocolate baked good with filling in the middle. But anyone who's anyone, knows that it's just a fucking Ding Dong.) and a cake doughnut.

Oh, and an off brand coke.

It's "Sam's Cola".

Am I gonna eat all of it?

Don't know yet, but probably.

I was actually started to lose weight cuz we never have food in the house because we're poor as fuck!

And now I'm eating this shit.

Guys...

I'm to scared to get on the scale!

Our scale is mean!

You tell it if your male or female, (You know, cuz the average weight of a male is different than a female.) then if you step on it and your overweight, it throws insult at you!

And it has some mean insults!

...

I'm kidding.

I have no clue if this type of scale even exists.

But if it does, I would totally want one.

Just for the sole purpose of one, having it, and two, just to see (Or hear, I guess.) the insults it could throw at me.

I'm not self conscious about my weight.

I don't care all that much.

I know I'm overweight.

I know I'm fat.

I also know that I have a higher chance (on top of my high chance) of getting diabetes.

My grandma (on my moms side) and dad has it.

My mom's bio dad also died of diabetes.

He also got diabetes from working in the military.

He got exposed to a chemical compound called agent orange.

If you don’t know what Agent Orange is, look it up.

It will be so much better then me trying to explain it.

Trust me.

Anyway.

So diabetes runs in both sides of the family.

And being overweight is a good way to get it.

There's also probably a ton of other shit that I have a higher chance of getting that runs in the family from being overweight.

So yeah, I should really lose weight.

But it hurts so much to exercise.

My ankles, knees, back, (mostly lower back) shoulders, and neck hurt all the time.

And exercise makes it worse.

On top of that, when I run, sprint, jump, or even climb a set of stairs, I get a real bad pain were my heart is, my lugs start to burn like Hell, and I start to cough uncontrollably which only makes my lungs hurt worse and starts to make my throat hurt.

Even if it's for short distances.

I can't even run halfway across a school gym before I get like that.

And if I walk really long distances, that pain starts to show up in my heart.

I start to cough a little, but it's nothing compared to running.

My dad always says (queue whiney mocking voice) "It'll get better as you lose weight. Just quit your damn bitching and start exercising. It'll be so much better."

Well here's the thing dad!

Those are lies!

It doesn't get better!

I have lost a bit of weight!

And if anything, the pain has gotten worse over the years!

...

A few years ago I could run around our yard for a few minutes and be just fine.

Now I can't even run down the street, without hurting.

If I see my bus as I'm turning down the street, I don't run.

Most people would, not wanting to miss the bus.

But the bus can see me, and I'm not gonna bring myself pain just to catch the bus.

Because I can't even run a few feet without hurting.

...

There is so much wrong with me.

Diabetes runs in both sides of the family.

My dad is missing 8 teeth, and this is genetic.

Each generation loses a set more.

So I'm missing 12 teeth.

When my jaw is fully developed, I'll have to get a bone graph before they can put in fake teeth.

Oh yeah, and I don’t have braces, because I can't have them.

Though I don't remember the reason why.

My mom has RA and Fibromyalgia. (She has a ton of shit, but there of less importants.)

Which means my chances of getting them are higher than someone else who doesn't have people in the family with these conditions.

My mom also has seizures.

Which are also genetic.

My brother Alex has gotten them.

Chronic headaches/migraines run in both side of the family.

My doctor thinks I might have scoliosis.

And I live in a family of smokers.

My mom, most of my siblings, and their partners, most of there friends, and my dad used to smoke.

Almost everyone in the family either smokes or vapes.

I don't smoke, but I have been exposed to second hand smoke all my life.

And that's pretty much just as bad.

I know that there's more shit that run in the family, but right know, I can't think about the rest.

Anyway.

I hope you guys are doing well.

Oh yeah, it's now noon.

Damn.

It took me an hour to type this shit out. :/

[cityoftheangelllls]

If you're still doing the character ask meme, how about Kaspar/Augustus? He's my favorite kid in the book

Okey dokey!

Favorite thing about them: Despite this character's story being incredibly dark and tragic (something that is quite normal in Struwwelpeter) and him losing rate at an impossibly fast rate, I think that the story does highlight the dangers that come with eating disorders and why they should be taken seriously, a message that remains just as relevant to society over a century and a half later.

Least favorite thing about them: Just the fact that he lost all that weight SOOOOOOO fast. I mean, it took just five days before he died! Either he has the world's fastest metabolism or Hoffmann really went above and beyond to scare children into eating their meals. I'm betting on the latter.

Three things I have in common with them:

I love food!

I usually enjoy soup.

I have struggled with disordered eating in the past, and I still struggle a bit with body image.

Three things I don't have in common with them:

I've never tried to starve myself to death.

I am not a boy.

I've never really been plump or overweight to the point where it's been concerning.

Favorite line: "Oh, take the nasty soup away! I won't have any soup today!" Naturally, because he doesn't really say much else.

brOTP: Him and a healthy body image, as well as healthy eating habits! Kid needs to love and take care of himself! Also, his soup. They had a little falling out, and they've gotta get back together.

OTP: This character is a child, so I'm not shipping him with anyone.

nOTP: I gotta say him and disordered eating.

Random Headcanon: The story never states why he suddenly starts refusing to eat his soup, or anything else for that manner, but I've always had a strong feeling that it was because he was beginning to feel self-conscious about his weight or that other kids were picking on him because of his size. @suppenkasparcrazy, you also had a similar idea. So in a more optimistic version of events, Augustus/Kaspar survives and learns to be kind to himself and keep himself healthy by following a nutritious diet and exercising and not engaging in dangerous habits, which is also an important message to share with kids.

Unpopular Opinion: I don't have one at the moment, so instead I'll share another interesting fact about myself. I first discovered "The Story of Augustus, Who Would Not Eat His Soup" in a book I've had ever since I was a child, called "The Book of Virtues". It contained a bunch of stories aimed at children that taught valuable life lessons concerning compassion, self-discipline, honesty, etc. I was in elementary school at the time and I thought, "Wow, this is disturbing." There were, in fact, quite a few stories in there that were sad and/or disturbing, such as "The Little Match Girl". Several years later, as an adult, I discovered Struwwelpeter and recognized the story, and thought, "So that's where it's from!"

Song I associate with them: Without a doubt, "Eat It" by Weird Al Yankovic.

Favorite picture of them:

These come from my favorite set of illustrations for Struwwelpeter. It looks like he's so adamant about expressing his disgust with his soup that he's dancing.

This comes from an old Polish edition of Struwwelpeter that I stumbled across online. It is...something else.

[unfilteredgrounds]

Solitaire

Sometimes, I really dislike my mom.

I hate how easily she can make me cry.

I hate that she refuses to get therapy when she's obviously struggling,

I hate that I never know what to say to her.

I hate that we sat in silence at lunch today, only to be broken by her saying

"I don't know if I can handle this stress much longer."

I know I was supposed to say something, supposed to be supportive and helpful, but I was silent. I just. Didn't know what to say. How do you help someone who refuses help? How do you say comforting things when she'll just get mad that you feel pity for her?

I didn't eat the rest of my sandwich. I barely made it two bites. I hate that she can destroy my appetite, my day, in a single phrase. I hate that she didn't say thank you to me for making lunch, like I do every day, just

"oh, we're eating sandwiches?"

Well, you are. I'm not hungry anymore.

After I wrapped my sandwich up, I cried a little, but then remembered that I wasn't in my room, so I stopped. I hate that I can't cry in front of my mom. And then I got really angry out of nowhere.

Why does she refuse to get help, and just keep piling troubles onto herself, which then turns into dumping onto me and getting angry at Dad?

I understand where it's coming from. I know she's stressed about the lack of rain and that we're not even into the hottest parts of summer and the sheep need healthy grass. But what can we do? None of us can control the weather. She needs coping mechanisms. Stuff that can help her manage tough emotions over things she can't control.

And that understanding makes this all the more difficult. Because when she caught me in the kitchen later, just staring at the floor, and asked "Are you okay?" I wanted to shout at her. Of course I'm not okay! You're upset, and there's nothing I can do to make you feel better, and I feel useless because I can't give you what you need. But then that'll just make me look selfish. Because what right do I have to be stressed when there's a potential drought on the horizon? She'll just get mad. It's why I chose not to talk about therapy today, and said "Yea, I'm fine."

She doesn't know I didn't eat my sandwich. She doesn't notice that I eat less than I used to. I hate that my mom said that I looked good, like I lost some weight, when I had been skipping meals at uni. I hate that she didn't know that, but didn't think to pry. Makes me think she thought I was overweight before. I wasn't. I was healthy. Now I'm just skinny. Weak. But when she makes me upset, I can't eat. My throat is too thick to swallow anything.

I hate that she knows I'm stressed too, but doesn't say anything. My dog might be dying, and no one is really doing anything, but yet I am suppose to figure it out and try harder when I don't know the questions to ask and my best friend is really ill and no one is asking me if that bothers me. It does. It does, but all she says when I go downstairs to the privacy of my room is

"Don't forget to make the guest bed. My friend will be here at 5."

I read more of Solitaire today. Tori Spring reminds me a lot of myself, except for her opinions on Jane Austen and literature in general. It makes sense, I guess. She's young. She talks about how she doesn't think her mom likes her very much. I shrink a little bit on the inside. She talks about how hard it is for her to talk to people, and that she's not really that interesting of a person, and I shrink inside. Because I understand too well.

One time, one of our family friends came to visit with her Daughter. Her Daughter is everything I'm not. Bubbly, outgoing, engaging. Mom looked at her very differently than she looks at me. I bet She would have known what to say today to comfort Mom. I bet Mom wishes I was like Her. Normal. Pretty. Not a coward.

I'm going to look up therapists who specialize in rural backgrounds. Maybe, hopefully, she'll listen to me this time. Maybe she won't get angry. I'm really tired. I cried more. I miss my boyfriend. He wouldn't just leave it at "yeah I'm fine." He'd at least give me a hug.

[blue-howlite]

Being their significant others headcanons but with a low self esteem.

Feat. Zephyr, Ned and Lucius from Doom Breaker/The return of the suicidal battle god.

Female!LowSelfConfidence!Reader

Note: this was a request but I lost the message with the ask, anyway I hope I understood what you asked!

Zephyr

Zephyr is the type to compliment your strengths.

If you feel insecure about your body, he'll distract you by complimenting all the things he likes about it.

If you feel like you're not skilled enough, he'll praise all the things you're good at.

If you feel like you're not very smart, he'll recount all the times your ideas were of help.

If you even try to think he should date someone "better" oh honey, you're in for a treat.

He will reassure you of course, but he's also a bit of a bastard. I said what I said.

He'll have fun with public displays of affection to show you how much he loves you.

If you're really uncomfortable with PDA then he'll just show you off, like whenever you do something good or remarkable he'll say "That's my woman", "I'm so lucky", "Sorry friends, she's mine" and so on, he's just so proud of you and loves you so much.

His idea of helping with insecurities consists on making you focus on the things you're good at and accept your imperfections, insisting that he loves them as well.

For days when you're not like super insecure, you're just like "Meh, not really feeling it" he'll joke saying that you don't have to worry, he's enough for the both of you.

Bonus pet names, I feel like he's the type to call you by your name a lot, sometimes nicknames that are just a short version of your name. But also "kitten" when you two are alone, I don't care if you're taller or shorter than him it just seems something he would call his SO in private.

Ned

Ned is the type to help you get better.

If you're insecure about your body he'll still compliment your good features, but he'll also offer ways to help with it (example: you feel like you're overweight, he offers to help you with specific exercises to lose weight).

If you're insecure about your skills, he'll pick up a weapon and take you to the training ground. «Come on, we can work on it until you're proud of your abilities.»

If you feel like you're not smart enough he'll just offer to play strategy games like chess, so that you can get better.

Let's be honest, all of the above just give him reasons to spend time with you, and this takes us to our next point.

Because if you ever say that he should date someone better he's not going to let you go. Ever.

He'll get very clingy. Whenever you go, he's coming with you.

He hopes that this way you can see that he intends on staying with you no matter what.

He's been abandoned by his own teacher so I feel like you thinking he could just leave you for someone else tugs at his trust issues. He won't leave your side until you take back what you said and he's sure you're not afraid that he might leave you.

His idea of helping with insecurities is fixing them whenever it's possible, this way the insecurity will eventually disappear. Of course he loves you as you are, but he thinks it's important that you also focus on yourself and work on the things you don't like.

For days when you're less insecure about yourself he'll give you lots of praises and compliments, knowing that it's easier to accept them when you're feeling better about yourself and that it's also easier for yourself to actually see what he's complimenting you for.

Bonus pet names, I see him as the type to use "Love" a lot. He's a traumatized child and you were the first thing that reminded him of what it means to be loved, so he feels like this name suits you. He'll use your name during serious occasions or if there are a lot of people around, sometimes when you two are alone, but mostly you're his "Love".

Lucius

Lucius is the type to compliment your insecurities.

If you feel insecure about your body he'll compliment exactly the things you don't like.

If you don't feel great with your skills he'll just praise you for all the times those same skills proved to be perfect for the task.

If you think you're not clever he'll just say that you're adorable and you actually have your own ways of being smart, giving examples of it.

But... you say that he should date someone better?

Well yes he could do that of course, but he doesn't want someone "better", he wants you. He'll say that loving someone just because they seem perfect isn't true love, and that to truly love someone is when you love their imperfections as well.

But he's going to be more attentive whenever you bring this thought up.

He'll be more careful of what, when and how he compliments you. Maybe he did something to make you think that he wants someone better.

Alright he low-key panics, let's be honest. He's just really good at hiding it.

He's going to spend way more time with you, but will also be very careful not to be too much and will give you space whenever you seem uncomfortable.

He will give you letters. Even if you two live together and see eachother almost everyday, whenever he has a busy day he'll give you a little letter where he tells you how much he loves you and cherishes you.

His idea of helping with insecurities is making you see the bright side of it, making you see how your imperfections are actually really beautiful and adorable.

When you don't feel too much insecure he'll give you gifts, mostly things that actually make you go against your insecurities (example: you're insecure about your body, he gifts you a dress that suits you).

Bonus pet names, this man has a vocabulary only of names for you. Your name, "dear" and "darling" are for when you're in public, depending on the circumstances, but in private he goes all out: "my love", "sweetheart", "my treasure", the list goes on and on. This man melts for you.

[xoxo-bunnydumpling]

"Don't let her get you fat...and you need to cool it with the late night burgers, young lady." My grandmother has poked me in the belly as I'm plying my husband with biscuits and chocolate gravy and I'm feeling murderous.

Eli looks across the table with his mouth full and puts his hand up like he's gonna say something when all this chewing is done and it's gonna be important. He's not going to read her to filth, because she's old and also my grandma, but still.

"Is gaining weight the worst thing that can happen to someone?"

Oh, so we're making this interactive.

"Well no, but...diabetes?" Bless her heart, she's already lost the argument.

His eyebrow goes up. "Thin people can't have diabetes?"

"Well..."

He leans back in his seat. "Well? What then? I'm safe to admit things to, you know that. It's mostly aesthetics, isn't it?"

She sits silent for a while but finally tells him she used to be overweight and hated her body and never wanted that for me and that's why she picks on me and has for my whole life. I used to fall for it...I was dumb thin for a while under her influence. Way too thin. She was afraid I'd be single forever if I gained weight after splitting with Red's dad. That I'd be lonely and sad.

"Well, two things...I'm almost 43, I'm going to start gaining soon no matter what and I'm not worried about it." He gets hung up and she says "what's that second thing?"

He blushes just a little bit. "Um...secondly, I uh...quite enjoy all aspects of my wife and her shape is *definitely* not a deterrent." It's the politest way you could possibly admit that you've got a sickness for the thiccness and I'm a little impressed with his phrasing. The boy is turnt on fat girl swag now and I'm GLAD it's my fault.

I have to laugh. She has no idea, but I do, how often he just plants his face into the pudge of my stomach and smiles. How all the jiggliest parts of me are his favorite parts to kiss. How I every morning since we started sharing a bed, I've woken up to him lightly kneading the squishy parts of me and sighing contendedly (dude likes his dumplings soft and I ain't mad at it)...and she definitely doesn't know what we got up to on the kitchen counter last night while she was gone but fuck it, they're selling the house anyway so no real harm done.

"See grams, even hot guys can be chubby chasers. I'm not doomed to settle for a fedora like you thought."

She rolls her eyes at me. "Always with the sassy mouth. Shouldn't have taught you how to talk. Anyway, what's the plan today, kids?"

He's just now finished breakfast but he's got his eyes on the prize already and can't contain his glee about it. "The only plan I have so far is lunch, definitely need to get into some Jack in the Box tacos...but I'm open to suggestions for how to round out the day."

I think he'll be adorable when the dad bod hits him.

[yeonjungs-red-blazer]

.

[fatghostboi]

Day 1: uhh so my scales are fucked I think but cw: 143.4 (I think it's mainly water weight lmao) and I wanna be 100lbs maybe 90lbs

Day 2: 5'3, I would wanna be a bit taller maybe at least 5'5 or 5'6 hhh

Day 3:

I want their legs. My legs have always been so big and I'm jealous. I don't want my legs to look femme fuck.

Day 4: the clothes I do like on me won't fit, or I'll have more curves. I know ill look more curvy, but I can hide that more I think. Or I'll just gain it all again fuck

Day 5: I want to lose weight to be good enough, for people to look at me and think I finally look good or even that maybe I did have a problem when they all turned me down. To look masculine enough and to have masculine features. To finally be good looking rather than the fat trans friend who looks too femme because of their fucking baby face with chub.

Day 6: I do and it's usually because I'm in a destructive headspace. I try not to often but yeah I do.

Day 7: no they don't. Mums never noticed, and the one time she did she took me to the doctors for depression thinking nothing of the food, then goes ahead and tells me I'm not depressed that I just get down sometimes when all the signs are there lmao.

Day 8: walk. My disabled ass cannot really work out and really shouldn't walk as much as i do when I do but my Ed can't help it, I love seeing the numbers on my watch go up and up.

Day 9: yes all the time. As a kid I was obese and overweight and I used to get called so many things. One thing that stuck with me was obese monkey. Good Times. Oh and the fact my ex said I run over my dog with my tree trunk legs... Ya know a few days after my dog just got killed but sure.

Day 10: probably my social life. I've lost my social life due to physical and mental illness. Everyone wants to go out and eat and I just don't want to. But also cooking. I miss cooking good meals rather than looking at meals as just calories I shouldn't consume.

Day 11: I don't have a favourite oops they're more on Instagram

Day 12: egg, egg whites, rice, toast, wheetabix, porridge, veggie sausages, chicken nuggets sometimes, a shit ton of veg like the amount of brocoli I consume lmao. Snacks wise sometimes the odd biscuit, usually carrots, houmous or just nothing.

Day 13: mainly unhealthy but sometimed I try to do it healthily and get no results so I get pissed.

Day 14: 100-90 lbs and I honestly don't know. I've failed so far but I fucking want to so bad. My first big goal is getting down to 120lbs so

Day 15: I'm not but I try to be. I would definitely consider being vegetarian as going vegan would probably affect my chronic illness worse due to the lack of vitamins I would get. I'm very picky with food but I do love to eat vegan food when i can.

Day 16: I was about like 10 lmao

Day 17: I mean not diagnosed but probably lmao

Day 18: chocolate and noodles. I can't help myself i still eat them. The noodles I have are 269 cals per a packet and that's why I eat those ones gah

Day 19: about an hour ago? I had 2 biscuits with my coffee so I didn't binge today lmao

Day 20: AIT starts off easy, gets harder down the line. Never completed the whole thing but I have lost loads of weight from it before. Except this time? Idk like my body shows I have but scales say nah

Day 21: ew. So naturally I have very big hips, that's not fat that's bone sadly, so in men's jeans I'm a 30waist in females I'm a size 10. Mens tops I'm a M if I want it baggy or it's a tight fit cause S makes me feel gross in tight fit. But if I want it to look decent I'm a S and I would fit into an XS if my shoulders weren't so broad but I'm not complaining on that lmao

Day 22: 122lbs. I gained this time around because of the medication I was put on, I really want to be off it because I also don't wanna get pregnant. But it's also causing issues so I may be put on a different one soon I hope

Day 23: yes and no. All the trans guys that pass are usually very skinny so I thought I need to be to pass

Day 24: ugh. I can understand if someone is pro Ana to themseleves because uh that's an eating disorder lmao, but if you want to encourage others to starve themselves and be unhealthy? You're fucked up.

Day 25: I have a lot. I can't remember my first experience because it was so long ago but I have the odd memories of purging in fast food places after I was taken out to eat.

Day 26: being good enough and passing

Day 27: I'm okay being around it cause I usually have good self control, I like baking a lot too, and I'll usually eat one or two then leave it.

28: yess. So hoodies will look great on me

29: everything's beautiful on everyone else except for on me so.

30: I'm 17, trans, and a wreck. Also my stats are the same cause I did this in one day lmao

[dukereviewstv]

Duke Reviews TV: Smallville 1x07 Craving

Hi Everyone, I'm Andrew Leduc And Welcome To Duke Reviews TV Where Today We Are Continuing Our Look At Smallville By Talking About Episode 7 Of Season 1, Craving...

This Episode Is About A Girl Named Jodi Melville (Played By The DCEU'S Future Lois Lane, Amy Adams) Who Is A Overweight Teen Obsessed With Losing Weight Who Begins A Diet Plan Of Vegetable Shakes (A Solid Regimen, Right) But What If I Told You That These Vegetables Were Grown In Meteor Rock Contaminated Soil?

That's What I Thought...

Anyway These Contaminated Vegetables Are Causing Her To Lose So Much Weight That Regular Food Isn't Satisfying Her Anymore But Unfortunately The Fat Of Other People's Are. Meanwhile, Lex Becomes Interested In Chloe's Wall Of Weird Theory That He Begins Funding The Research Of A Controversial Mineralogist (Played By Terminator 2's Joe Morton)

So, Let's Dive Into Craving To See If Clark Can Stop This Fat Sucking Vampire?

The Episode Starts At The Melville House As We See Jodie (Played By Amy Adams) Picking Vegetables That Are In Meteor Rock Soil While Her Father Talks About Dinner That Night But Jodie Has No Interest On Eating Anything That He's Eating As She Wants To Lose Weight By Eating Just Vegetables...

Watching Jodie Place Her Head On A Bunch Of Magazine Supermodels Chloe And Pete Talk With Jodie About Helping Them With Algebra As Clark Is Busy Helping Lana With Her Party Accepting Despite Them Offering To Buy Her Lunch They're A Little Grossed Out By What She's Drinking...

But Then 2 Jocks Come By To Ask Pete To Join Their Game While Making Fun Of Jodie...

Oh, I Get It Her Name's Melville And Herman Melville Wrote Moby Dick, Ha Ha Ha When Did Bullying Become A History Lesson?

With Pete Telling The One Jock Dustin To Back Off, Dustin Ends Up Throwing His Ball Into Jodie's Drink Which Goes All Over Her Shirt...

Embarrassed About What Happened At School, Jodie Continues To Drink Vegetable Shakes Despite Her Father Telling Her That She's Beautiful The Way She Is But All Jodie Cares About Is Losing Weight And Nothing Else...

Going To The Bathroom, Jodie Goes On The Scale To See That She Has Lost Some Weight And Her Body Is Getting Thinner Then She Looks In The Mirror To See Her Face Get Thinner, Getting On The Scale We See She's Lost A Little Bit More Weight...

Meeting With A Doctor, Lex Discovers That He Has A Highly Elevated White Blood Cell Count But Lex Says That That's Not Possible As He Doesn't Get Sick, Asking Him Various Questions (If He's On Any Medication, If He Has Any Allergies, Any Childhood Illnesses To Which He Says Asthma)...

Saying That If This Was Anywhere Else, He'd Order Of Battery Of Tests, Wanting To Know Why Not, The Doctor Tells Lex That Some People Believe That The Luthorcorp Plant Is Poisoning The Environment...

Meanwhile At Lana's House, Lana And Clark Talk While Nell Works On Her Birthday Party Which Is Going To Be At The Luthor Mansion, But Lana Says That It Stopped Being Her Birthday Party A Long Ago And That If She Had It Her Way It Would Be Just Pizza And Loud Music With Her Friends...

Well, It's Your Birthday, Why Don't You Tell Nell This Instead Of Clark, I'm Sure She'd Understand...

But Turns Out Lana Is Giving Nell This Because They've Been Through A Lot In The Past Few Months, Which Is In This Reviewer's Opinion The Most Poorest Reason Ever...

Anyway, Whitney Comes By With Some Good News Turns Out He Has An Audition For Kansas State, Bad News Is He'll Have To Miss Lana's Party But Of Course, She's Fine With It...

Talking With Chloe And Pete, Pete Sees Whitney Being Gone As Clark's Opening With Lana But As They Continue Talking Jodie Says Hi To Pete Which Is When They Notice How Much Weight She's Lost...

Saying That She Looks Great, Jodie Thanks Pete For Sticking Up For Her Yesterday And Asks Him Out To Lana's Party To Which Clark Says Yes For Pete As He's Speechless But Chloe Is A Little Confused On How Jodi Lost All That Weight...

Stopping By The Kent Farm After School, Lana Gives Jonathan And Martha The Produce Order For The Party Saying That Nell's Planning This Like A Royal Wedding...

Well, If She Is Then Does Make You Meghan Markle, Because If You Are Boy, Do I Have A Few Things To Say To You...

Start Following The Royal Way Of Life Instead Of Doing Things Your Way...

Stop Acting Like A Disney Princess

Come Up With Better Baby Names...

Coming In With 2 Things Of Apples, Clark Talks With Lana Who Tells Him That All This Attention Is A Little Unnerving Which Leads Clark To Ask If He Could Be Her Escort On Saturday To Fend Off Her Fans So To Speak To Which Lana Says That She'd Like That But He Wants Him To Promise Her That This Time He'll Make It To Which He Does...

Making Another Vegetable Shake, Jodie Tells Her Dad About Her Date With Pete To Which He's Thrilled However He Wants Her To Eat A Little More Than Those Vegetable Shake Which She Does However Despite Eating Everything In Her Fridge Including Chicken, Hot Dogs, Chocolate Cake Etc... Nothing Satisfies Her...

Going To Pick Up Food, Jodi Accidentally Hits A Deer, Which She....

I Didn't Know Giselle From Enchanted Was A Cannibal....

Actually, She Didn't Eat The Deer, She Just Sucked The Fat Out Of Him But Still It's Scary Enough To The Point I Nearly Crapped My Pants...

Clark Watches Lana And Whitney As Whitney Gives Lana Her Birthday Gift But Chloe Interrupts To That Authorities Found The Deer That Jodi Hit Last Night, But Worried About More Important Things Than Deer Carcasses Chloe Says If She Helps Her She'll Him With His Lana Gift Dilemma...

Agreeing Clark Gets Chloe In To Which Clark Says Looks Like Jerky But The Report Says That The Deer Lost About 80% Of It's Body Fat...

Back At The Luthor Mansion, Lex Looks At The Smallville Torch Website While Jodi's Father Talks To Her Saying That He Has To Leave Town For A Few Days To Talk To A Client And Wants To See Jodi Before He Goes But Saying That He Can't As She's Indecent Has Him Worried That His Daughter May Need Professional Help...

But Turns Out The Reason He Can't Enter Is Because There's Food On The Floor That Didn't Satisfy Her...

Visiting The Torch, Lex Sees Chloe's Wall Of Weird Which Clark Explains To Him. Believing That It's An Interesting Theory Lex Talks With Clark About The Meteor Shower And What Happened All Those Years Ago With His Father...

With Chloe Returning, Lex Says He Likes Her Theory And Asks If She's The Only One Who Believes That The Meteors Are Behind Everything And Not The Luthorcorp Plant As Everyone Else Believes Which Leads Chloe To Suggest For A Mr. Hamilton..

Running Into Jodi In The Hallway, Pete Asks Why She Wasn't In Class With Her Saying That She Had Stomach Flu But She'll Be Fine. With Pete Telling Jodi If She's Not Up For Tomorrow He'll Understand, Jodi Tells Him That There's No Way In The World She Would Miss It...

Feeling Hungry Again, Jodi Runs Into Dustin Who Made Fun Of Her Earlier And Decides To Use Him To Slate Her Hunger...

Running Into Lana At The Football Field, She Tells Clark That She Told Nell To Make The Final Decisions Without Her Which Leads Clark To Ask If She's Ever Had A Happy Birthday Which Leads Her To Talk About One Time She Went To A Drive In With Her Parents...

Hearing A Noise After Talking To Lana, Clark Uses His X-Ray Vision To See Jodi Feeding On Dustin But By The Time Clark Gets There Jodi Is Gone And The Only Thing He Finds Is Dustin Barely Alive...

Finding This Mr. Hamilton (Played By T2's Joe Morton) Lex Talks With Hamilton About His Latest Condition And On How It May Be Connected To The Meteors And How He Would Like To Fund His Research But He Has No Intention Of Working For Lex Saying That His Research Is Private However, Lex Leaves The Door Open If He Wants To Change His Mind..

Back At School Chloe Tells Clark That Dustin Is In A Coma Which Leads Them To Come Back To The Idea Of A Fat Sucking Vampire, Sitting Down With Jodi For Their Study Group They Notice Her Eating A Lot But Just Says That She's Starving. With Chloe Thinking What They Saw Was Weird, Clark Takes Off To Deal With Lana's Birthday Gift...

Meanwhile At The Luthor Mansion, Set Up For Lana's Party Is Underway But Lex Knows That It's Not Her In Anyway While Also Giving The Hint That He May Have Set Up The Kansas State Audition For Whitney...

But As Clark Gets Ready For The Party, Chloe Comes In Saying That It Was Jodi's Car That Hit The Deer And What's Worse Her House Is Built Near One Of The Meteors Hit...

Getting Dressed For The Party It Seems Like A Fairy Tale...

But Then Jodie Gets Hungry, And Decides To Back Off Because She Doesn't Want To Hurt Pete...

(Start At 0:08, End At 0:13)

Finding Jodi In The Kitchen, She Attacks Pete And Tries To Suck His Fat But Luckily Clark Arrives Causing Her To Run It Into The Greenhouse...

With Clark Weakened By The Meteor Rocks, Jodi Attacks Clark With A Shovel Which Leads To A Fight Between The Two. But Looking At Her Reflection, Jodi Realizes What She's Become And Decides To End It..

With The Greenhouse Blown Up, Clark Saves Jodi As Pete Wakes Up...

Meanwhile At Her Party, Lana Feels Like This...

But A Talk With Lex About His Experience At Luthor Christmas Parties Which Makes Everything All Right?

Returning To The Kent Farm, Clark Tells Jonathan And Martha That Besides Pete Having A Headache, Jodi's On Her Way To Metropolis To Be With Her Father But None Of That Matters Right Now As Clark Is Too Upset Over Missing His Date With Lana. But He Realizes That Not Everthing Is Ruined...

Meanwhile At The Luthor Mansion, Lex Finds Out That He Has A Clean Bill Of Health And Decides To Tell Hamilton About It But He's Like Do I Give A Damn About Your Health? Finding Out Why Hamiton Was So Resistant To Him, He Tells Lex To Get Out But Still He Gives Him A Check To Fund His Research...

Oh, Wait He's Not Carrying A Stereo, My Bad...

Visiting Lana, Clark Apologizes For Missing The Party But He Wants To Make It Up To Her By Giving Her Her Birthday Gift Which Turns Out To Be A Drive In Movie...

However It Turns Out That They Were Shrunk By Ant-Man And The Wasp!

No, Just Kidding But Still Wouldn't It Be Funny If That Actually Happened But That's Craving And It's All Right...

The Entire Episode Is All Right I Don't Really Have A Problem With The Episode In General. However I Do Have A Problem With The Villain, Jodi, When She's In Movies I Like, I Love Amy Adams However Though I Didn't Mind The Character Of Jodi It Just Felt Like The Writers Were Walking On A Deadly Tightrope When Writing This Character Cause In The Wrong Hands The Character Could Definitely Send A Bad Message But Despite My Logical Implications On Sending A Good Or Bad Message I Say See It...

Till Next Time, This Is Duke, Signing Off...

[nashta]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?