#I hyperfocused through most of this story so don't expect quality :D

[monchikyun]

19. It’s happening again

It’s fucking happening again. Gavin can still taste the bitter taste of rejection when he recalls how stupid and naïve he was the time he acted on his feelings back when they were directed at Hank. So maybe it was so long ago that half of his scars didn’t yet exist when it happened, but it still makes him want to end himself just due to the sheer embarrassment of it. And yes, he was aware that the lieutenant was married and had a child, but back then it wasn’t a reason enough to stop going for what he desired. But he should have known better. Perhaps then he would still be brave enough to make the same mistake twice.

He did have to go and fall for the local smartass, that’s just something that he does, apparently. Always choosing people who are way out of his league. But is it really a surprise when the fucking android looks like someone has invaded his dreams and created the bot according to what he finds most desirable in a man? No, it would be unreasonable to expect him to regard Connor as any other colleague of his, organic or artificial. But he’s not sure of what to do, whether to pretend these feelings are not real or if should make Connor hate him even more so he can have an excuse to ignore them. It’s always the latter. He rarely goes for something that would require a substantive amount of effort. It doesn’t mean that it will be easy, though. He doesn’t want to be mean to Connor, not after all the shit he’s done to him already. The apology is stuck on the tip of his tongue, unable to get any further. Because he doesn’t like being seen as a good person, since it’s not who he is. There is nothing shiny hidden under the dirt he displays, no hidden gems waiting to be uncovered. Even he has a hard time living with himself, so there’s no way someone as beautiful as Connor would be happy with the pile of mess that is Gavin Reed.

“Hey dipshit, you frozen or something?” The android has been stuck in the same place looking at the same picture for at least twenty minutes. It’s not like he’s been counting, but he always notices Connor’s actions, no matter how mundane they might appear. This is not one of them though. He tries to convince himself that the knot in the pit of his stomach is not a worry, that it’s just the annoyance Connor exudes everywhere he goes. But he could never lie to himself, it’s not a skill he has ever been able to pick up.

And Connor doesn’t move, his LED the colour of the feelings he’s trying to bury. He glances on the screen in front of him to find out what might have broken him. But then he freezes too when the image’s implication becomes clear.

There is a dissembled android body, limbs arranged into a symbol he doesn’t recognise. The centrepiece is a sight too familiar for comfort though. Because it’s Connor, or at least his head. A message sent to threaten or intimidate or worse – a warning of what’s coming. It delivers a shockwave through his body, and what washes out is a determination.

Determination to prevent this from happening to the real Connor.

“I’m sorry.” The android turns to face him, showing him an undeniably human expression of fear.

“Me too.” He doesn’t mean to say, it slips away on its own. But it’s wrong, Connor deserves a proper apology, if nothing else.  

“Come with me for a while.” Gavin extends his hand to him, awaiting the oncoming rejection. But instead, he can feel something soft enveloping it and before he knows it they’re outside, standing amongst the thawing snow. 

It’s now or never. 

“I am sorry. For treating you like a piece of shit, for aiming a gun at you, for not believing that you’re a real person, for everything. I mean it.” He wishes it hurt a little less, that he had the strength to keep his cool. Since he’s doing it again, showing someone how vulnerable he can be, how easily he can fall apart. And he can’t make himself stop.

“And I’ll do everything to keep you from ending like the android in the picture. I don’t care what it takes, but I swear I…”

“You really do like me,” Connor has the audacity to chuckle. “I didn’t believe it when Hank told me, but guess there are many things I’m yet to learn about human nature.”

Of course, the old man would be able to read the meaning behind his antagonistic behaviour. It was the same when he had a crush on Hank all those years ago, after all.

But Connor hasn’t punched him in the face so far, so maybe it doesn’t have to end the same this time.

“Yeah so maybe I do. What are you gonna do about it?”

He shuts his eyes, anticipating the worst. His cheeks give away just how fast his heart beats without the need for any fancy scans.

What he gets is a small kiss on his forehead, something that he can’t remember ever receiving. A gesture so gentle it melts his heart away. He won’t be able to let go after this, which makes the situation so much graver. And yet, he loves it.

There is finally a concrete purpose for him to follow. To make Connor his, and most importantly, to make sure he stays alive.

So maybe there is something worthwhile inside of Gavin after all.

@convinseptember idk how I wrote this but here it is xD