#I hope u didn't send this to the wrong person bc I got this message right after I reblogged my mutuals beautiful selfie lol

[laskareyne]

Journal Without You | May 27 - June 1, 2025

May 27

We talked yesterday. I hated it. How are we so broken over a fabrication of reality? I had done nothing wrong you say, it's all a problem with you, with how you feel. But how you feel is just a made up reality? You felt trapped because of your own made up feelings, your own made up conceptions for how you had to act toward me? The same conceptions I told you were wrong numerous times? You felt a weight be lifted by blocking me because you weren't worried about all the stuff you made up yourself? How can you say you care about me, that you enjoyed the time we had. How can you punish me for something I didn't even do? It wasn't a problem with what happened, it's a problem with what you thought might. And what am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to.. just, be okay with something that wasn't even my fault? The only problem was you and just... you trying to dictate how I feel despite what I tell you... you keep making decisions for me and I hate it.

May 28

Day two... god I hate this. I worked my second shift today, really wanted to talk to you during it and rant like you always did to me. "FREE ME" remember that? "dish dungeon"? god I miss those days and yet they weren't even that long ago. I'm starting to wonder a lot, wonder why what happened happened you know. It's starting to feel like you're dead, not just that you're away for a while. God, day two and I'm already melodramatic. I wonder how you can say you care about me but then have no interest in even being able to say hi. I wonder if all of this fabrication was based on the fact I was basically your only in person friend. Most of your others were online or more distant and you only saw maybe once a month. Is that it? Was just the subconcious knowledge that you were physically closer to me make it feel like we were different and therefore had to act and expect different? I wonder, or maybe it's all just silly fantasy I'm making up. Bella is sleeping on my floor right now- oh, a bag rustled and now she's alert. You'd love it. I wish I could send it to you. I had Chinese for dinner! Work brought it in, which means I'm eating again yay! I had some bad light headed episodes too.. I wish I could tell you, I wonder if you'd even be concerned. Would you care? Would you just say "that sucks I'm glad you got through it" and then let it go? It's hard to tell what you think of me. I wish you'd just tell me you want me gone for good. because this whole "I don't hate you but I don't want to interact with you" is so confusing and... I miss you. All I really feel right now is that I miss you, and, and nothing I guess.

May 29

I just woke up but I had a chat with Grace last night and I wanna just copy and paste that here... It's gonna make today's entry super long but... yeah (grace is bolded)

i feel like in a way u should do ur best not to hope for him to wanna be friends again but instead try to move on from him completely.. ik i supported yalls friendship and relationship and everything and i don’t think he’s a bad person. BUT like you’ve said before how r u gonna cut off someone that u “care” about… like I think that is just not right…. I don’t think I caught up with all ur messages still but u said he just felt relief after not having to talk to u like WHAT ‼️ and ik I wasn’t there for all the conversations uve had so I may be missing some perspective but I think it’s still not right of him 😭 u deserve better friends and not someone who’s gonna cut u off because he feels obligated to respond to u (his own problem and could’ve voiced that to u, could’ve talked so much out and solved it) but instead resorts to defriending u on everything. like now I just think he’s not a good friend for u and u should move on. Ik it’s hard bc u care for him so much but it is definitely not mutual with the way he’s acting. like I think his valid are feeling as well, he obviously has some weird feelings about yalls friendship. and I do understand that sometimes things just happen and u feel weird, but also why I think u should move on cuz he really did not try to fix anything. mega unconfrontational leading to his demise

I’m well aware. We work very well together and I’m happy with him when he talks to me, that’s why I want this to continue. I have little hope but I’m leaving the option there. If he can be a friend then I’ll let him be a friend. I’m not just gonna fall to my knees the moment he appears before me again. I’m not gonna beg him to give it a chance, he’s a good person, we share a lot of similarities, we would be good friends if he would let himself process emotions for once at a healthy pace. If he can’t do that I’m not gonna just be like okay that’s fine let’s be friends anyways ! I hope for him to redeem himself but after all, He is just a man. What he needs is therapy, genuinely. If he can prove to me that he can be a friend then I have no issues. It’s up to him and what he wants and what he’s willing to put effort toward. And if thats not me then oh fucking well, his lost. I may be self deprecating but one thing I praise myself for is that I’m a good friend. I can be a raging bitch but I will always be there and always listen and I will always learn to be better with people I care about. If he doesn’t want something that meaningful and wants to throw a good friend away because he can’t be bothered to better himself then that’s on him I hope he faces the consequences. Our friendship before we dated and even the majority of our relationship was wonderful. I think breaking up, he got into his own head that things didn’t change when they did. I think that’s a huge part of it. Because this “no contact” is vastly different than the one he pulled when we broke up. And I’m sure there’s a reason and I wish I knew that reason but I don’t think it’s malice I think he’s hurting himself without knowing, that’s why I still push for it. Because he has a record of not doing things from himself and I’ll be damned if I sit here happily letting him do it again. I’m gonna at least give it the chance if he wants and realises it.

the problem to me is he’s constantly proving he can’t. he literally said he feels like he can’t be friends with u and his irl friends at the same time like wut 💔

That’s why I’m allowing space. To let him try and process and reset. Having me constantly there and keep triggering those feelings he had (even if they were made up) definitely didn’t help. Like I said I don’t have hope but I won’t throw the chance away

that’s fair i guess the point of mine is like what I just said , it’s kinda like he’s proving over and over he can’t be a good friend to u and even saying it like dang, I believe it 😭 bc everything he’s saying is highkey mean even if not intended that way. but ik yall have memories and a past and it’s not black and white. i just don’t like the way it developed 4 u

There’s a reason he said yes to allowing us to check in July. I don’t know that reason and I’m sure he doesn’t either, but he could and definitely would’ve said no in the moment if he truly didn’t want to or care.

didn’t he say it was just to make u happy and not bc he has hopes he’ll wanna be friends again

What I don’t like is that it developed based on false assumptions he made about how I feel and how I’d act. I understand it was based in anxiety I get that. But if you’re gonna throw me away it better be for a god damn reason other than “well I thought you’d be mad at me all the time…” YOU THOUGHT ??? Like toss me out because of something I did, not thought I would do. I know that doesn’t make it better but it just pmo that it’s the reason. There was no issues that developed, there was nothing. There was a fabricated reality he made up and couldn’t separate from, and that reality hurt him and affected him just as bad as if it had actually happened. I want to help him see the ACTUAL REALITY because I care about him despite the fuck ups he had. Because he doesn’t do this out of hating me he does this because he’s scared and honestly traumatised from the past. What he DOESNT UNDERSTAND is IGNORING THE PROBLEM DOWSNT HELP, but whaaaaatever if he wanna be bitch he can be bitch. he was like “I agreed to make you happy but like I’m gonna genuinely consider it when the time comes, but I don’t expect myself to be fine by then” type thing. but he obviously doesn’t care that much about making my happy with literally anything else, which is why I was like there’s another reason somehow somewhere. he literally almost said no to us even following each other again. Like he was fine with unblocking but he was like idk about following why do you want that and my first answer of “to make it feel like you’re still there” he was like no to, but then I reworded it like “it just makes it feel like you aren’t mad at me. Because you wouldn’t follow me if you hated me, but just cause you follow me doesn’t mean you will interact with me” and that reasoning he agreed to. aka there’s a weird line on how he sees me and it’s wonky and he’s stupid

ya lowkey w ur messages ur just like solidifiying my point 😭. in my head... idk if just seems not good and like burning bridges and and im too tire to say more and ik u feel how u feel and I understand queen

let me be clear your point is valid and I agree I’m just saying if he wants to try again I’ll allow it. it seems like he doesn't so, yk, but the option is there. Aka: the damage has been done. It’s up to him, do we rebuild or do we let it just become an abandoned ruin

Anyways, I'll write my actual entry for today later tonight but.. I felt that was important to add. As if you'd ever see it

You used to have a breakdown when trying to figure out if you had loved me romantically or not. You used to be stuck on "how much" you liked me. You... we were so close and now you... don't even want me in your life? What changed? When did the switch in your mind happen? When did I go from a partner to a obligation? When did you start hating me? I want to be with you. I want to be together, I want to be more than friends. But that... means nothing. Because I don't want to be partners I don't want to be committed I don't want you to devote every waking second to me, but I miss the connection we had. I miss when you said the issue was the romance, the devotion. You don't need devotion in a close friendship, you never did, you made that up. We can be close friends, but you refuse because what? Because what god awful idea? You say you can't be close friends with me and your online friends? You were close friends with them AND DATING ME? That is a vastly different emotional undertaking and you can't do something easier now? What the hell is wrong with you. What makes it so hard for you to just accept me in your life. What about me makes you want to throw up and look the other way? What did I do? Listen to the memory chaser by the covasettes again. Thats what I want to tell you. Thats all. Remember my explanation before we dated on why I sent that to you. Remember everything I said before we dated. God. Fuck you. Fuck your ability to have acted like you wanted me so close to you for so long, but now you can't even handle us being able to text each other. How can you go from saying "I want this I want to be close with someone like this and kiss someone and everything" to saying you can't even gaurantee us to ever be friends again? What the fuck. I worked so hard for you, I was willing to do anything. I worked at your pace, made sure you were comfortable with what we did/didn't do, and yet you don't even appreciate it. You're so despicable. Fuck, I love you.

May 30

I just woke up but god last night was BAD. Dream after dream and you just.. gone. Gone gone gone gone. Around 4 am I woke up from seeing you die. The last thing my mind saw was the life being taken out of you from infront of me. I was struggling, shaking and trying to let myself realize it was fake, it wasn't real. I wanted to text you, just be like "tyleeerrrr are you alive", or something that, wouldn't concern you but would reassure me. I almost did. I almost caved. Instead I just wrote the text, I opened out messages and just wrote it out basically saying "this is just for me to visually see me text you bc that means you must be alive and so i'm sorry" but I didn't press send. I deleted it. I didn't want to delete it. I'm scared, I don't want you being ripped away from me and... why am I refused to even confirm... I hate this. It's night time now, god I just MISS YOU. All I wanted to do during my shift was text you. I wanted to complain in the same ways you had always done to me when you worked. I wanted to text you, I wanted to call you on my drive home, I wanted to just EXIST to you again. I'm not doing the greatest. I cried again on my way home, kinda pathetic. I miss you. Um so I kinda maybe made a mistake and texted you to be fair in my head for a second I was like “wait it’s okay because he won’t text me back and it’s like I’m aware of that I’m basically just sending a msg into the void” and it didn’t click until after I pressed the button that I am also forbidden from texting but like deleting the msg is kinda worse so now I’m uh Whoopsie daisy

May 31

Just finished my shift, was an opening one (ew). Making this part of the entry around noonish, will do the rest later. Idk I wish I handled Monday a bit differently. Like, been a bit more transparent on what would change and that it's okay to be scared. For a brief moment you had said then we'd be friends but then you took it back, I wonder why. I wish you didn't. Monday was bad. I want a redo... god what I wouldn't give for a redo. I wonder a lot still. I wonder if you still had feelings for me. Like I know they weren't romantic, but they were special in their own way, and I wonder if they still existed and that is what scared you. Maybe it wasn't that you didn't "wanna" treat me differently, or how you did, but you did want to talk all the time, you did want to be close, you did want to hang out, but that didn't feel like the thing you should want from a friendship, so then your brain twisted it to be like you felt like you had to, because why else would you when you shouldn't? Or maybe I'm wrong. (Nighttime) I learned something today. Well, kinda. I knew the entire time you had a more avoidant attachment style, that's not news. But I've learned what that actually meant and how it affected you. You care about me, you enjoy the time we have, but you're scared of being important to me. You're scared of me loving you and not being able to reciprocate it, you're scared of losing yourself trying to give me what I want. It's not that you don't want it, it's that you start to get scared that you are losing your autonomy for me. That just because you want to be with someone and connect with someone, that you are sacrificing some parts of yourself with it. That's not true. I wish I could tell you it's not true. You never lost autonomy, you never lost the ability to choose, you never had to prioritize me. You need to let yourself feel, let yourself choose what is important to you, and be okay with being close to someone. I love you

June 1

Week one over (kinda, still have a few more hours technically kinda writing this part early). God, so many more to go! Still have 5ish weeks left. I miss you, but I'm so excited for when we talk again. Even if its just for that night, even if we leave that day going back to no contact, I'm so excited. I have so much to share with you, so much to tell you already. I miss you, and I know what to do. Now I just need to wait.

[namchyoon]

bts somehow saving us from toxic/trash people without even doing anything lol i feel all these people are the same. they are quick to make prejudice comments about them without knowing anything and have their own interests they love so much (which is mostly gaming and sports) and know every fucking thing about it and yet there's something wrong when u have the same amount of investment in something (this is now a 🚩) and i agree u def lucked out on friends, i only have 1 person i share being army with but they're not as deep into it as before so its kinda like no one really to share my excitement with (besides u lovely people on tumblr) and then there's others that know i love bts but i can tell they're getting annoyed so i kinda backed off from them completely tbh. it sucks having to censor something u enjoy. [i wanna talk about a small win i got from someone thats not into them at all but one of my friends watched yoongi on jimmy fallon with me and i got her to watch amygdala then she was impressed and actually remembered his name the next day] she was like, i love music with a message and talks about real things and i went "‼️‼️ THATS LITERALLY HIM AND BTS" lol i swear if ppl were less judgey they would understand but i cant force them, bts comes when they come, its the best when it just ~happens~ but god do i wish i could just sent hella music and tell them LISTEN

no exactly!!! somehow their inner weirdos come out when it's like bts/kpop/kdrama etc lol 😭 and like my other interests are typical Male Interests (apparently) bc i'm an f1 and tennis fan and no one calls me crazy about watching the race in the middle of a mall on my then-bf's phone (real incident) and now he's into f1 bc he annoyed me into explaining everything abt f1 (annoyed bc it was DURING THE FUCKING RACE!!!!!) but somehow a bts concert is different i wonder why 🤨 i did luck out bc i pre-ordered indigo the second it dropped at like 5 am when in a friend's room in the middle of a conversation bc it would be sold out and she didn't even bat an eye and we went back to the conversation at hand 😭 i'm so sorry u have to censor you excitement i really do hope you find people who share your excitement or at the very least appreciate it :( [omg that's so wonderful!!! i hope your friend listens to at least some of bts' discography bc it's FILLED with messages and enjoys it and you can enjoy it with her <3] honestly, my friend sent me a whole list of things to watch for bts and a list of songs because we were doing an interest exchange (i made her watch f1 she made me watch bts) and it worked out for both of us so maybe sometimes it does work to just send music and performances DJDSDKSKDKS (it probably helped her case that i was into kdramas for like 3 years before that already and had a whole playlist of osts so djfkddkd)

[clementinecoastline]

hey!! I saw your post on Shimizu by chance and I totally agree with u in this but I have to say that there is a difference between what Yachi did and what all the others characters did, bc her attention never actually put kiyoko in an uncomfortable situation (but it did show the way Shimizu was supposed to be seen by the audience and the readers (which ://)) and there's also the fact that Yachi does get to Know her, Shimizu can actually have real conversations with her, while with the boys we don't see much, which gives off the vibes that she actually doesn't have the relationship with them that hq!! want us to think she has and that the boys kind of see her only as... pretty. which sucks.

hm! there are multiple points here that i agree and disagree with.

first off, i'd like to point out that, yes, i agree that yachi did not do anything wrong! see, being attracted to a person, even if it's sexually, isn't morally wrong or anything. obviously there are exceptions, but if you're talking about someone else the same age as you, there's nothing wrong with attraction! yachi didn't do anything wrong, really! there's a pretty girl and she's attracted to her! but yachi's character doesn't exist in a vacuum. when yachi's introduction to kiyoko is yet another of the many scenes where kiyoko is uncomfortably sexualized and basically only seen as an object of attraction, it contributes to haikyuu's larger problem of depicting kiyoko as simply an object of attraction, which is what i meant to criticize.

second! i'd also like to discuss the idea that yachi's attraction was morally superior to that of the boys. yes, i agree that yachi's attraction to and treatment of kiyoko was far better than some of the boys (i'm looking at you, tanaka and nishinoya), but i don't particularly agree when it comes to others. hinata did the same exact thing yachi did. he saw a pretty girl. found her very attractive. blushed and lost his mind when she held his hand. all things that yachi did! yachi's scene where the show went out of the way to show kiyoko as sexy was before they had any form of emotional connection. and just like yachi isn't before her friendship with kiyoko, hinata's not obligated to seek out a connection with her because he has a crush on her and finds her attractive. you don't objectify a person by being attracted to them, you objectify them by treating them as if they're simply an object of attraction. hinata and yachi don't objectify kiyoko just by being attracted to her. tanaka and noya do because they treat her like an object or possession.

the problem lies in the way the series basically only depicts her as an object of attraction. yachi being gay for her isn't the problem. it's the way the series goes out of its way to introduce kiyoko in the same way over and over again. the way the series constantly brings it up again. and in that sense, yachi's crush serves the exact same purpose all the other examples do: showing kiyoko as sexy and desirable and a source of motivation. as an object. which is, i assume, exactly what you meant by the scene showing how the audience is supposed to view kiyoko - something we definitely, definitely agree on!

anyways sorry, this wasn't put very well but. i hope i got my message across. if anything came across as rude or the like, it really wasn't on purpose! feel free to send me another anon to continue the discussion, or bring up a different idea!

[crying-over-gay-dramas]

Gumpa is a traitor

Alright guys buckle in, it's theory time.

Spoilers for Not Me, including the next episode preview!!!

I’ve had this theory for a while now, but the preview has really set it in stone for me.

So the preview is clearly trying to make us think Dan betrays them but that literally would be such a dumb plot. It's too predictable, it wouldn't be shocking. But Gumpa like- he has been there all along, just casually knowing everything, helping them, giving advice. But where is his background huh? Does he ever appear without the main characters? He's supposed to be the last person anyone thinks of. He's supposed to be inconspicuous. Viewers are fairly neutral on him, and it’s intentional. Sometimes he’ll have a nice moment, or say something funny and it will give us a nice feeling about him, we’ll think ‘aw he’s a nice character’ and we’ll go on our way. It’s supposed to be natural, to be subtle. To lure us into a false sense of comfort with him as a steady character type. I'm telling you, Gumpa betrays them. I am so sure (now watch me be totally wrong lol)

I think Sean creates a plan where Dan pretends to betray them in order to confuse the bad guys from the real plan as his 'redemption' and Dan will agree despite the risk of danger bc of his guilt. But the plan will be exposed anyways bc of someone who always knows everything but is never directly involved.

G u m p a.

When I was discussing this theory with one of my friends they brought up a good question which was: “Why hadn’t Gumpa betrayed them earlier?”

This is my response

Maybe they needed the perfect opportunity. Think about it. If they got taken down right away they could just be turned into martyrs, a symbol for people to fight for. But if you take them down at just the right moment you send a message. "This is what happens when you try and go against us" Take away their hope. Fear isn't enough to hold back a rebellion. But taking away hope can put out any flame.

Not to mention what Gumpa betraying them will do to their mentality. Think what it would do to their will to fight if the one they all trusted the most was a traitor all along? Every effort they ever made, every battle they had fought, every move they made everything they'd been taught was futile all along. They were just pawns in one big and cruel game of chess they didn't even know they were playing.

I also think it's equally likely that Gumpa only recently betrayed them. They'll probably go the route of him being a good guy at first and then switching sides (kind of like Todd did) which personally I find way less exciting then the above theory but this is likely the one GMMTV would go with.

Either way it would crush their spirits and make it harder for them to fight. Harder for them to trust and rely on each other.

[hardskz]

lol it's still me but there's still alot i gotta say. I got sooooo fucking happy when i saw you updating again. i turned on my notif in case you didn't know. girl, you're my source of life i cant life w out you and im sure ill remember you wayyy long after even tho i forgot most of my internet friends a year ago. hope my words are enough to show you how important you are to me and my undying love for you. many ppl tell u they love u but fuck all of them i love you the most - h.melon

here's the last words (sorry if this is too long ^^) i hesitated sending u these cuz im afraid i might bother you, and you might delete these, but it's ok if you do so bc at least i've confessed my feelings for you. you are very important lulu, you play an important part in my life. words cannot describe the fuzzy feeling in my lungs i have just for you. once again, if any of your fans are reading this then FUCK YOU I LOVE HER MORE THAN U DO - h.melon

i really hope this is a very twisted exaggeration or a joke gone wrong. i am flattered that you like my writing and are looking forward to my future works, but to go as far and calling me your "source of life" or an "important part in your life" is too much. these asks scare me and make me extemely uncomfortable. you don't know me in person, so don't go ahead and claim your "undying love" for me when all i do is write fiction. i didn't want to publish this but i have to address the level of uncomfortable and terrified i am feeling after reading them.

refrain yourself from sending me asks in this manner - anyone, in fact. these types of messages are not sweet, they are creepy and obsessive. also, don't glorify me. I'm just a fellow fan of a kpop group and happen to create and share my content with other fans of the group. to say i have fans on my own is far fetched and makes me uncomfortable.

[alittledizzy]

Hiya, I realise that this might sound dumb or whatever but I thought I'd offer a different perspective (even if u didn't ask). You sometimes sound a bit ticked off about people being on anon when they want to know stuff/ talk about stuff. And don't get me wrong, I completely understand that you don't want a one way convo. But I just always think for me, that 1) i'm too shy to come off anon. social anxiety what? but internet anxiety apparently yes and 2) i have a completely different blog (1)

(2) like my main blog is about fashion and my university and for some reason I don't feel comfortable participating in discussion with that blog. I know it sounds absolutely ridiculous, bc really, what would happen if I had an insightful response? Not much, I doubt you'd ignore it just bc it's not a dnp blog, but yeh, idk. My unsolicited opinion haha. I hope you have a nice day!! xx

I definitely get the shyness/social anxiety - and for the most part I don’t mind answering anons. If you pay attention, you’ll notice I tend to give the ‘come off anon and lets talk’ response to people who are being rude or aggressive, or people who are sending me an ask that I essentially feel like I’ve already published five versions of. 

Or if it’s personal, or my answer would be personal - because to a certain extent it is about my own social anxiety. When people send me anons they’re essentially backing me into a corner and saying ‘I want to be able to be private but you have to have this conversation in front of thousands of people who know who you are and will judge you/jump in with their opinions.’ Sometimes depending on where my emotional energy level/anxiety level is at, it’s just not something I’m interested in doing. 

To your second point; if you don’t want to use your main blog because of privacy and not wanting me to see posts that relate back to your offline life, I understand. But if you think the content of your blog matters, then - nope. It doesn’t. I respond to messages from people who are signed in a) without generally even looking at their blog, and b) privately. always. I don’t publish asks from people who are signed in. 

If you send me an anon the odds I’ll publish it drop a lot, but if you are using your account and messaging me in a way that I can reply back privately I do, always, and way more quickly. (And if I don’t answer you, then it’s either because your ask contained something I blacklist and I never got it, you asked me to find you specific research-required information and I’m waiting until I can look or I give up looking, or tumblr just ate it. Given the number of times I get messages that are multipart and I don’t end up getting one of the parts, I think it’s safe to say tumblrs messaging system isn’t 100% reliable.) 

My tumblr messenger is open as well, and I try to respond to those as quickly as possible. (Though sometimes that takes me a little longer since I generally wait until I have time to have a conversation there, instead of a one-off ask reply.)