#I hope this post isn’t totally broken on desktop because I was having a lot of issues editing it

[shades4dogs]

yesterday we were doing Woodlands surveys. it was about gauging the dominance of canopy species then looking at the understory . then at the end, you would check ground flora species .

I wasn’t prepared for group work, so I didn’t really enjoy doing that, but I had a lot of fun with the plant ID.

I could confidently identify a lot more trees now than I could do before yesterday. For example, I am now confident in telling apart sycamore, ash and beech. I also learned what a wych elm looks like  when it’s younger.

on the left is a Wych Elm, and on the right is a sycamore . You can tell it’s a Wych Elm because of the vertical stripes on the bark there make it look like it’s been washed down.

Then the right one, you can tell us a sycamore because of the scaly parts of the bark. This is what sets it apart from beech tree bark and ash bark , otherwise, it’s hard to tell the difference .

obviously you can tell what species are trees from the leaf litter, but it’s also a good skill to have to be able to identify a tree from its bark and buds.

so, for example, in this picture here, you can see the difference in the buds of ash and beech, which have very similar tree trunks . The beech tree has pointed orange buds that look like thorns from a distance , And the ash tree has small black buds that look like they are burnt. that’s a good way to remember it .

The day before that, we also went on a walk to a woodland that was famous for having a lot of red kites . I think that is the first time I saw a birch woodland, even though it was very small . It’s interesting in winter when all of the leaves are gone. How you can tell what species a tree is from the colour of the tree top branches.

for example, birch, tree tops are very red purple-ish.

Orange tips are willow

And you can always tell if a conifer is a larch in the winter, because larches are the only UK pine species that loses its leaves. It’s a deciduous conifer!

in this photo, you can see a big patch of birch trees identifiable by the red tops and among them, you can see some willow trees, then behind that you can see some coniferous trees and a patch of larch. and this is all from far away !

 

I’m really excited about how much my treeID has improved. In the left are you can see a lot of Birch again, but as we’re closer up, you can also see the yellow catkins of Hazel trees. there are also some mature holly bushes, and there’s a young oak tree on the right there .

The thinner scraggly are trees are the ones that I’m not confident on.  if I took a guess, I will probably assume they were Willow, but I didn’t get a close-up because we were walking . Anyways towards the back which you can see in the second picture, there were more Scots Pines. I also saw a variant of a Hollytree that had rounded leaves which you could cultivate into a really nice hedge .



[aenariasbookshelf]

The untitled EndGame Fix-it Fic

So, as people have expressed interest in the EndGame fix-it story, here’s the first chapter of it.  I know that this story probably won’t be for everyone, especially if you liked the way EndGame played out, but it was downright cathartic for me to write it.  This first chapter does have a couple of hard conversations in there, but nothing worse than what we saw in the movie.  I think what I’m trying to do was hit some similar notes to EndGame, but in a way that felt more genuine and true to the characters in the way that I experience them.

(And yes, as the writer I can totally recycle a few concepts from other stories I’ve written, so there. ;)

Many thanks to everyone who’s taken a look at this story so far.  I love all of you. <3

Okay, here we go.  No title yet, but I have an idea...

Part One

The idea, time travel, to get the stones and bring them to the future, is set.  It’s a good plan, Steve says, out loud at least, because hope is in short supply these days.

It’s their only plan, he says to himself at night, tossing and turning in bed and wondering what the hell they were thinking with this cockamamie idea.  It’s not that he doesn’t trust Scott, he absolutely does, but time and dimensional travel?  At least when they traveled across the galaxy to kill Thanos, that was in a linear fashion.  Still, there’s that one little niggling doubt in his head, that he just can’t shake off.

That little lingering doubt is what causes him to sneak into Natasha’s office late at night, and use the heavy, long-range equipment in there to flag down Carol Danvers.  She may not be experienced with time travel (hell, none of them are - who could be an expert in time travel if they’ve only just managed to come up with it?), but her interstellar perspective on things may help him see through a different lens.

“And that’s where we stand.”

Steve spreads his hands out across the desk expansively as Carol’s holographic image looks on, mouth pursed and arms crossed.  “It’s...the plan that we’ve got.  It’s the only plan everyone can agree on.”

Carol nods, and Steve can tell her mind is working at top speeds.  Faster than his, at least, which isn’t hard to do at this time of night after days of not sleeping well.  “Can I ask the tough question?”

“Please.”

“You have a time machine, and you will have all the Infinity Stones.  Why not just turn the clock back and kick Thanos’ ass in 2018, with all the new knowledge you’ve gained?”

The billion dollar question, indeed.

Steve heaves a sigh, sitting back in the chair as he nearly chews a hole through the inside of his cheek.  “We don’t trade lives.  I’ve said it more times than I can think.  One singular life is just as worthwhile as everyone else’s.  The world didn’t stop spinning these last five years.  People are still growing up, getting married, having babies...having lives.  Who are we to take that away from them?”

Carol’s shrewd, however, and can see right through the fancy, inspirational speech that people would expect Cap to make to lead the masses.  “Yeah, how old is she?”

“Hmm?”

“Tony’s daughter.  How old is she?”

Steve just nods, looking down at the desktop.  “Four.”

“And, suddenly, so many things become clear.  He refused to help unless his daughter was safe, didn’t he?”

A set of arched eyebrows is the only answer Steve can give.

“I get wanting to protect her.  I do,” Carol says, eyes distant even through the shimmer of the holographic interface, and whatever she’s thinking of, Steve can see the pain on her face.  “But if I was her parent I wouldn’t want to let her grow up in a world that seems like it came from one of Stephen King’s worst nightmares.”  She snaps her gaze back to Steve’s.  “So basically, if there’s an alternate plan, we can’t expect Tony to be involved.”

“That’s probably a safe assumption.”  Keeping secrets has already done so much damage in their relationship, what’s one more to add on top of it?  But when the universe is at stake?

“Still, if you know her birthday, do the math.  There’s every chance that kid was conceived before the Snap and, if so, she’ll get to grow up in an even better world than the one she’s in now, with parents who are a lot less broken because of it.”  Her hologram looks steadfast and strong, a lot stronger than Steve feels at that moment.  “I’m going to do some research on what the Stones can do, in the meantime.  Power’s great, but only if you know how to use it properly.”

Steve nods.  What else can he do at this point?  Instead of clarity, all he has are more questions that neither one of them will be able to answer easily.  “I’ll let you know how our time travel adventures go.”

Carol nods, and her hologram blinks out of existence, leaving a fading trail of faint blue sparkles behind.  Steve slumps back in the desk chair, scrubbing his hands hard over his face, because fuck if he knows what he’s going to do now.

**********

Natasha and Clint take off for Vormir.

Only Clint returns, and it feels like the heart and soul of the team is shredded in an instant.

**********

Carol’s not the type of person to let just anyone see her cry, and yet her eyes go glassy and watery when Steve tells her about what happened on Vormir.  “Oh, god,” she all but whimpers.

He stands behind the desk, where Nat should have been sitting, fists clenched, trying not to give into the rage and sadness that he knows is brewing inside of him.  “Did you find anything?”

Carol sniffles, inhaling sharply and refocusing herself.  “Nothing good.  Long story short, from a cosmic perspective, the universe is beyond off balance.  Right down to the molecular level, and from a more metaphysical angle, at a magical level also.  The universe shouldn’t exist in this current state.  It can’t, frankly.”

“You spoke to the Living Tribunal, then?” a new voice breaks in, low and haggard and yet strong enough to resonate around the office.  Standing in the doorway is Thor, looking about as worn down as Steve feels right then, ragged and tired, like he’s only being held together by the merest of threads.

“And what’s the Living Tribunal when it’s at home?” Steve asks, because now they’re going well past his wheelhouse into the goddamn Marianas Trench, and the last thing he wants to do is drown in it.

“The judge, jury, and executioner of universal balance.”  Thor shuffles over to one of the chairs nearby the holographic image generators and kicks back, slumping down.  “What did he say to you?”

“That this universe, as it exists now, post decimation?” she shakes her head, “is unsustainable.  The balance has been wrecked so badly by what Thanos has done that within a generation, maybe two at the most, everything in existence is going to be reduced to space dust.  Something to be absorbed and dispersed around the universe that will come after this one.”

“Unless we turn it back?”

“Unless we turn it back,” Carol echoes, nodding.  “The Tribunal’s in agreement, to the point where it’s saying that some futures, meaning this one, shouldn’t exist.”

“The Tribunal is known for being a bit cryptic, at times,” Thor says, his head turning to look directly at Steve.  “The only times it gets truly clear, is when the sentence is handed down.”

Carol points a finger directly at Thor.  “That’s an understatement, in my experience.  The fact that the Tribunal pointed me in the direction of obtaining a little extra power to defeat Thanos back in 2018 as needed is telling enough.  I get the feeling that the Tribunal, and the powers - whatever they are - above it aren’t exactly thrilled with the idea of starting a new universe just now either.  It’s not the right time.”

Thor finds Steve’s gaze yet again, and there’s something dark and dangerous brewing behind his eyes, something that Steve knows is echoed in his own.  “So, instead of buying Morgan a lifetime, he gives her twenty years?  Maybe fifty, at the outside?”

“Not just Morgan,” Carol says quietly.  “The entirety of the universe.  The countless species and planets and galaxies in that space beyond measure.  Fifty years.  And that’s if humanity doesn’t hasten their own end, as they’ve been known to do.”

As painful as it is to think, it’s the moment of clarity, of certainty, that Steve’s been needing.  “We have to turn it back,” Steve breaths out, the words falling from his lips with unimaginable gravity.  “We use the Stones, go back to the battle in Wakanda, and take Thanos out there.”  He turns his eyes to Carol.  “The Stones together can do just about anything, yeah?”

“Correct.”

He nods, trying to collect his thoughts together.  He needs to be sure that he phrases this just right, because if there’s only one chance to say it they all need to be sure they’re working with the same ideas.  “So if we do turn back the clock to that moment, there won’t be two versions of us around, just the one version that existed at the time.  Yeah?”

She nods.

“Okay.  We get the stones, and we turn the clock back to that exact moment.  It’s a small time frame, even more so with you being out in the galaxy, but we can make it work.”  He bites the inside of his cheek, hard enough to cut through the skin and leave the lingering metallic taste of blood in his mouth.  “One more thing.  When we turn the clock back to that exact moment, we need to make it that only the three of us remember this future, so we can ensure we do what we need to in the past.  This is our plan, our mission.  We need to see it through.”

It’ll also be a bit of a kindness, Steve supposes.  It’s hard to mourn what you’ve lost, if you don’t know you’ve lost it.  It feels uncomfortably like playing God, deciding if people will or won’t live with the memories, but it’s the choice that will spare people, including those closest to them, the most pain.  And will give them a chance for a real future, not just some farcical pretense of one.

“Can you live with that option?” Carol asks, solemnly.

Steve’s stomach roils and the blood on his tongue just seems to get even sharper, leaving him feeling like he’s about to sign the warrant for his own execution.  “What other choice do we have?” is all that he says in return.

“It’s a rare thing, to get a second chance,” Thor says.  His voice is quiet and low, yet it cuts through the night like a strident call, a rallying cry that they’ve been desperately needing.  “Who are we to waste that opportunity?”

[hordakin]

On the Subject of Hordak, His Parallels with Catra, His Bond with Entrapta, and the Possibility of Him Getting a Redemption Arc

Obviously this is a subject of MUCH controversy within the Spop fandom, and I'm probably just going to stir up even more issues, but the aforementioned things are subjects i find INCREDIBLY fascinating and dammit I want to talk about it, because as usual (almost*) everyone else is glancing over it and not giving it all the in depth analysis it deserves.

Just a preface, my 'screenshots' are probably going to be absolutely hideous because I do not have the time nor the resources to get high quality ones--sooo I'm just taking pictures with my phone!

I'm no good at keeping my posts organized, so please forgive any other messiness as well--I'm hyperfixated and filled with frantic energy.

Lets start out simply with the Juiciest meat on the bone--Hordak's Could-Be Redemption Arc!

This is the topic that has the most people in a tizzy--for completely valid reasons, to be fair! Hordak, as of right now, is a horrible person. There's no skirting over it, there's no sugar coating it, he's a grade A piece of shit manipulative dictator, and things he's done are unforgivable.

What joy it is, then, that being forgiven has absolutely nothing to do with redemption!!!

Redemption is about changing your ways, and doing what you can to FIX or make up for the villainous things you've done--NOT being forgiven for them, which is what seems to be the hang up for a lot of people who are against the idea of a Hordak redemption arc, the people who don't like his sympathetic backstory.

I've seen more than a few posts of people Screaming in fury, proclaiming their anguish and disgust that the writers are trying to make them """forgive""" Hordak, when.... That's. Literally not what the writers are doing. They are just giving a character a backstory and human characteristics. So he'll be relatable. You know, like characters in media are SUPPOSED to be. Funny how that works, right?

Anyway, his frustrates me immensely, especially when these are the same people still pushing for a Catra redemption arc (to be fair, i am still one of those people too, but her choices in the last season have severely lowered my enthusiasm and hopes for it. There’s a long, tiring road ahead of her, as well as for us as an audience, if she is going to be redeemed at all). It frustrates me because of Hordak and Catra's lifestory parallels. These people act as if they are leagues different, when they really... Really aren't. If Catra still deserves redemption because she was abused into thinking the way she does, then so does Hordak, because he was obviously abused too.

The way I see it, Catra is like... A younger Hordak. Hordak right before and during Prime discovering his defects and sending him off to die. For a lot of season 1 and 2, she was in her prime in regards to her standing as a member of the Horde. She became force captain, and she did her work well, just as Hordak had once been Horde Prime's top general--but then they showed some kind of weakness, some kind of incompetence, and then they were cast away;

And it doesn't even stop there! Because right after being exiled, guess what they both do? They take over and begin to Rule the local denizens of the place they were exiled to--Hordak forms the Etherian Horde, and Catra takes one look at the Crimson Waste gangs and says "My City Now".

The main differences I see between Hordak and Catra are, Firstly, their friendships. The bonds they've formed (and broken) during the series (as well as if/how they changed them).

Hordak --

Total number of friends, past and present: 2 or 3 (Entrapta and Imp, 3 if you count Emily)

How much he values them: given his tract record of abandoning and belittling people, he doesn't belittle or mistreat Entrapta or Imp, in fact openly showing affection for/praising both of them rather openly--which is to say, he must value them a lot.

How he treats them: like i said up there--with open praise, affection, and respect. He takes care to never actually harm or yell at them in a way that targets them--when he yells or snaps, its not because hes mad at them, its because of something else. On top of that, he keeps it limited--he does not go on rants. He shouts his bit, takes a breath, then turns around and asks them to leave. Which is something i guarantee EVERY person on the face of the earth has done before. Ppl lose their tempers, it's normal, and does NOT make them abusive.

Catra --

Total number of friends, past and present: 6 or 8 (Adora, Lonnie, Kyle, Rogelio, Scorpia, Entrapta, and 8 if you count Kyle 2 and her four armed Lizard friend)

How much she values them: this is tough one. Clearly, her main priority is Adora--shes Catra's endgame Bestie, the person she really WANTS to be friends with the most. She puts effort into her relationship with Adora. Second comes Scorpia--Scorpia is very slowly weaseling her way into Catra's heart, and it shows, especially on this last season. Catra starts to show more vulnerability around her, and they have more emotionally charged interactions, that clearly have a positive impact on Catra. Catra is BEGGINING to put effort into her friendship with Scorpia, but it is a s l o w process. Everyone else.... Catra frankly couldn't give less of a shit about. They're an ontourage to her, not friends. But they see her as their friend. She doesn't put any effort there--everyone else does.

How she treats them: just like i said above again. She doesn't not care about most of her relationships. She fixates on one or two, and leaves the others in the dust until she has a use for them, because she doesn't see them as friends, she sees them as lackeys.

Secondly, another difference is their motivations and the choices they make because of them.

While they were both originally seeking recognition and praise from their superiors--Hordak trying to take over Etheria for Horde Prime to prove he's still useful despite his defects, and Catra...:

And then, after that, the Shadow Weaver issue comes to Catra’s attention, and Catra’s Motivation shifts COMPLETELY, because she hasn’t been given the time she needs to heal and let go of that portion of her baggage.

--I’m losing shitloads of eloquently worded paragraphs sharing my points over and over again so I’ve moved to desktop now because i am NOT giving up on sharing this, let me try again, sorry if it suddenly feels offtrack, i swear the connections are still there--

Now that their current motivations are in play, let’s talk about how their CHOICES (and their friendships) tell us which of them is more ripely suited to a redemption arc at this point in the series.

Hordak makes a friend. This is most likely the first friend he has EVER truly had, but they make it work, because they have similar interests and there is no sense of hierarchy between them--She is very clearly not afraid of him, and he is long past trying to make her afraid. She doesn’t push him to be better, no--She thinks he’s fine the way he is. She has no desire to ‘fix him’, because she doesn’t see anything wrong with him being a ‘bad guy’. However, I will say that (albeit unintentionally) she is... Gently nudging him towards being neutral. Hordak’s goal since day one has been to contact Horde Prime, because he likely had been brainwashed or indoctrinated to believe that there WAS no other option than to do so. Seek approval, and nothing else. “For the Horde” and nothing else. Because he hasn’t fully realized... That Horde Prime can’t touch him. He’s like... A young adult, who just moved out of his parents house--You know the posts! He’d become so accustomed to the lifestyle he had before, that now when he goes shopping and thinks “Hey I want ice cream for breakfast tomorrow!” he deflates and walks on to the veggies aisle because of the parental voice telling him “You can’t have ice cream for breakfast” in his head, but now... The parent isn’t there. He CAN have ice cream for breakfast, it just hasn’t hit him yet. Then, Entrapta shows up. “For science!” she says, and Hordak probably quirks his eyebrow, because she is odd, and thats an odd thing to say--but that, right there, is the little thing that starts to help him realize that, ‘hey.... Horde Prime isn’t here. I can do anything I want!’ And tat Anything can easily include turning around and becoming a better person.

Catra makes a new friend. Catra has had many friends before, at least one of which she cared about VERY deeply, who has since then left and moved on to other friends. She tried to get Catra to follow her to the better, healthier side of life that she’s found, to make friends with the other people too--but Catra refused, and it would not be a stretch to say it was because of jealousy/possessive feelings. Catra is like that toxic friend who lurks on the social media of someone who’s cut them off, simultaneous seething with anger and looking for reasons to hate them, while also vying for the chance to be friends with them again, and go back to the way things ‘used to be’. Now, she has that new friend, who cares about her just as much if not MORE than the last friend did--she sees how Catra wallows in self pity and negative emotions over the last friend, and how unhappy it’s really making her. Scorpia wants to help her move past that--to live her life free from the reigns of her past, and to embrace the happiness that other, new parts of life can give her. But Catra. Doesn’t. Listen. She doesn’t care. She sees the possibility of happiness, dips her toes into it (Crimson Waste party), but then decides “No, I don’t want this. I’d rather be spiteful. I’d rather be vengeful. I’d rather be unhappy, and I want everyone else to be unhappy too.”

People get so mad that Hordak is a trying to take over Etheria, trying to RULE over everyone on it--They call him ‘genocidal’ even though, by definition, he’s literally not--and demand that people admit how bad he is because of it, as if we weren’t already. Yet... The only people I see condemning Catra for doing something SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE for just as selfish a reason, is most notably NOT those people demanding we condemn Hordak left and right. The hypocrisy is extremely thick in this fandom right now--let’s leave it at that.

Point is; As of right now in canon, Catra is LITERALLY a worse person than Hordak, and when you really look at their actions, it’s easy to see that there are many more realistic and easy ways for Hordak to be redeemed than their are for Catra, and that’s the fuckin’ tea!

[purplesurveys]

819

what is a food that you’d hate to be allergic to?: Omg SEAFOOD. Can’t live without it. If I was allergic to it I’d be that person who brings tons of antihistamines everywhere I go so I can power through when eating crabs and mussels and shrimp. I just can’t live a life of being forced to watch others eat seafood while I can’t lol.

what color was the last towel you used?: Light blue.

would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter, or the same height as you? Same height or a tad bit taller is fine; I’m not super particular when it comes to height.

when was the last time your nose bled? My nose has never bled before and I dread the day it happens for the first time, because I’m totally unprepared and blood freaks me out and I will highkey probably pass out for a bit hahaha.

how old are you turning this year?: I already turned 22 last April. Considering the circumstances, my birthday had surprisingly gone really well too.

what is your favorite thing to snack on while watching a movie?: French fries from Potato Corner. My go-to bucket size is Mega and I will typically request my order to be 1/2 barbecue and 1/2 cheese fries. I’ll feel super uneasy if I don’t have that exact order when watching a movie at the cinema.

swimming pool or hot tub?: So I had to look up hot tub because I wanted to know how it’s different from a jacuzzi, and holyyyyy crap I’ve learned something new - Jacuzzi is a brand of hot tubs, wtfreak my life has been a lie I thought it was a word!!! Hahaha in any case, I do prefer hot tubs more. I’ve always felt dirty hanging around in swimming pools.

can you swim well? I’m not able to perform any of the strokes like an Olympic athlete, but I can tread well and for a good amount of time.

what body part do you wash first in the shower?: Not really a part of the body per se but I’ve always washed my hair first.

who would you allow to read your thoughts for one day? No thanks, I find that too invasive. 

what kind of first impression do you think you make? Cold and a little aloof, which isn’t too far off from the truth especially if I’m not approached first. If someone does talk to me for the first time, it’ll depend on their body language whether I’ll choose to continue to be reserved, or if I’d want to be bubbly and vibrant around them.

name your last reason for using a camera? My dad honked his horn as he parked in the carport to let us know he was home, and my dog ran up the screen door and sat patiently to wait for him to come inside, his tail wagging the whole time.

where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? Sometimes I’ll line up our dining chairs together so it can turn to some sort of bed, and I’ve been falling asleep on that often lately.

what are you excited about? To drink the rest of this milk tea my dad bought me :) He went out to run some errands and I guess he’s been hearing me talk about how I miss having milk tea, so he went out of his way to go to a Chatime and get drinks for me and my sister.

seven days from now, will you be in a relationship? Yes.

are you a happy person? My emotions are always all over the place. I’m never consistently in a certain mood.

when was the last time you laughed really hard & why? I was bored and missing normal life last night so I went through my uploaded photos on Twitter so I can see what I used to do before everything went downhill...and by doing that, I realized that I’m quite good at tweeting HAHAHA most of my captions made me laugh and my content/photos weren’t all that bland or bad either. Idk, this is one instance where I can confidently say that I’m funny hahaha.

what are you wearing? A UP shirt and a pair of shorts.

what do you want? For my college to post the official list of graduating students for this school year so that I can finally partake in the tradition of changing my Facebook DP to my senior photo. I REALLY love how my portrait turned out and I can’t wait for my loved ones to see it.

did you enjoy your weekend? It was okay I guess. My mom was annoyingly cranky throughout Saturday for no reason, but it mellowed out by the next day and that’s good enough for me. Other than that, it was just as uneventful as the last three months have been.

do you regret anything you’ve done recently? Just little stuff that I get over quickly like, “oh I regret making this coffee at 11 PM because it’s now 3 AM and I’m jumpy as fuck.” But no big regrets recently.

is there anybody you wish you could see? For fucking sure. I don’t even have to tell y’all who it is.

have you ever kissed anyone with a name that starts with j or m? Nope. I almost went out with an M, though.

how many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? 2 3/4 lol. I trust Andrew 110%...and I mooooostly trust my dad. Not with every single topic under the sun, but I still trust him a whole lot nonetheless.

do you think you’ll be married in 10 years? I hope I will be by then.

what makes you mad most about girls? Definitely wanna avoid generalizing in this question but the way some girls will fawn over men is super hypocritical and that bugs me to no end. Girls shaming other girls for a range of things is also annoying, whether it’s over wearing too much makeup, not wearing makeup, choosing to abort, physical appearances, their diet, etc. Some really need to mind their own fucking business.

have you ever been given roses? Yes.

do you even like getting flowers? I love receiving stems or bouquets but I’m not obsessed with them in that I wanna get them regularly. Giving me flowers for Valentine’s Day or on our anniversary is more than enough for me.

what’s your favorite flowers? Peonies.

could you go out in public looking like you do now? No. I’d change my shorts.

who’s the first person you texted today? I haven’t texted anyone today.

would you move to another state to be with the person you loved? That’s a toughie...it would depend on the opportunities I have wherever I live in the present, and whether there are better ones where my partner is. I’m young and still building up my career, so realistically I’d wanna look out for myself first instead of clumsily jumping in headfirst for love lol.

how’s the weather today? It’s strangely warm and humid and uncomfortable, which is annoyinggggg. News has said that the wet/rainy season already begun, so I don’t know why the sun is still hanging around and being, again, annoying.

what color are your eyes? Really dark brown, almost black.

do you like poptarts? In my country we only get the same five flavors but my favorite out of all of them is chocolate fudge. I really wish we had a wider selection though :(

where will you be 12 hours frm now? Getting ready for bed most likely.

is it easy for others to make you feel intimidated? No. I’m usually the one who involuntarily makes others feel intimidated, oops.

do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? Not exactly but it’s definitely gonna be one of the several tops and shorts I’ve just been repeatedly wearing at home since March.

are you on a desktop or laptop? Laptop. I haven’t used a desktop in ages.

does anyone hate you for no reason? I’m sure one or two people do, but I genuinely can’t care less.

what are you planning to do today? Finish my milk tea, maybe take another survey or two, eat the salted egg chips that my dad bought, and, if it cools down later in the day, take a quick nap.

play an instrument? I can play the recorder. I also memorize several songs on the piano, but the key word there is memorize lmao. I just know which keys to press due to watching covers over and over; but I can’t read notes, I don’t know which letters match which keys, have no idea what major and minor is, and I basically know absolutely nothing about using a piano.

would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Just to get closure from certain people or events. If I can go back in time I’d spend more time with my late grandpa, for one.

where did you get the underwear you are wearing right now? I’ve already forgotten.

have you ever kissed someone whose name starts with an r? No. I’m an R though, heh.

have you ever passed out? Yeah numerous times. I’m a big fainter, which just sounds so uncool lmfao.

are you easily confused? Yes I feel lost quite easily. I’m often the butt of my friends’ jokes because of this, but I don’t mind hahaha.

do you think you would make a good wife/husband? I like to think that I would be, but I dunno. I’m still insanely young and I know I’ll be a completely different person with different priorities, mindset, attitude, etc., by the time I get married. It’s too early to tell.

what’s your favorite kind of ice cream? Cookies and cream. Queso real is also a really good flavor and it was my favorite for some time before my taste shifted to cookies and cream.

do you like coffee? Love coffee.

do you like summer? I like it when I get to go to the beach or when my family books trips out of town or the country, but I reeeeeally could do without the hot and sticky weather. It’s definitely not my favorite period of the year.

where were you at 8am this morning? I was asleep for half of it, then by 8:30 I was up and scrolling through Facebook.

do you fall for people easily? No. That is one thing I can’t do as a demisexual haha.

everything happens for a reason? This is usually my mindset, yes. It helps me process and accept circumstances better and much more quickly.

have you ever dated someone more than once? Yup, Gab and I have broken up before.

who have you texted in the last 24 hours? No one. Not really big on texting these days as I’ve been using Messenger to contact people throughout the quarantine.

what color nail polish is on your toes? My toes are never painted.

do you find members of the preferred sex confusing? People of any gender have the potential to be confusing. < This.

what are you listening to right now? Right now all I can hear is the work being done for the new house that’s being constructed in front of ours, so I’ll hear the occasional shoveling of stones and trucks coming in and out of the construction zone. The last music I listened to was the Presto from Summer of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons because Portrait of a Lady on Fire always makes me feel things.

how has the week been? It hasn’t been horrible, I’ll give it that. I’ve been revisiting my old fandoms out of boredom but it’s turned out to be a lot of fun; my mom brought home cupcakes at the start of the week; I had milk tea today; and we just had Kimi groomed this afternoon so his fur is all gone and now he looks like a giant rat.

is there something you wish you could tell someone but can’t? I wish I could have respectful debates with my Duterte- and/or Trump-supporting relatives, but I know that’s impossible.

what are your biggest turn offs? People who: can only hold shallow conversations, are disrespectful to those in the service industry; are casually homophobic, racist, sexist, transphobic, and/or fatphobic; take their religion way too seriously; and neglect their pets.

favorite shirt to wear? My CM Punk Best in the World shirt, without a doubt. I’ve been wearing it semi-regularly for nine years and have absolutely no intention of throwing it out.

favorite drink? Depends on my mood and the occasion. If I’m studying I’d wanna have coffee with me, if I’m casually dining at a restaurant I’d be happy with iced water, etc.

last person to say ‘i love you’ to you? Gab.

would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Yeah, but when that’s gonna happen again I still have no idea...

what’s your favorite color gummy bear? I always find myself reaching for the red ones.

what is the nicest part of the opposite sex’s body? I don’t consistently stare at a certain part of a guy’s body.

have you ever run into a dishwasher? No, those aren’t common here.

ever had a song sung about/for you? Nope.

is there a baby in the room with you right now? No, not technically. But I do consider my pets to be my babies. < Same. Kimi, now a giant rodent, is walking around the living room at the moment but he never strays too far from me.

where do you sing the most, in the car, the shower or other? CAAAAAAAAAR. This is a big reason why I miss driving, I haven’t been able to belt out in a while.

what is your favorite thing that is green? I don’t own a lot of green stuff since it’s my least favorite color...buuuuut I do have a printed flowy dress that I just love to wear, and it’s mostly olive green.

what did your last text message say? It’s an automated text from a vet clinic I went to last December telling me that I should bring Kimi back for a checkup. I appreciate the gesture but I’m not going back there after how condescending the vet was acting towards me.

what is the way to your heart? Acts of service has been my love language for the longest time.

what do you smell like? I smell nothing off of me now but I do know that I don’t smell unpleasant, because if I did I would’ve noticed it immediately and would feel more conscious.

what’s in your pocket? I don’t have any.

anything in your mouth? Not right now but I’ve been sipping milk tea with pearls all afternoon.

ever hurt yourself playing wii? Only after my first day of playing Wii Sports. It was like a workout for my tiny 10 year old body and I woke up all sore the next morning.

do you have freckles? No, not a common feature here.

what’s the last movie you saw in the theater? Knives Out.

ever jumped/fallen/been pushed in a pool with your clothes on? Noooooooooo. I feel like that’s super uncomfortable; I’ve always entered pools with a swimsuit or bikini. My glare is usually enough for people to understand that I wouldn’t appreciate being thrown into a pool while I still had clothes on.

are you wearing any clothes that you wore yesterday? Technically. I took a shower in the evening and changed into the clothes I’m wearing now, but that was in the evening so it’s not like I wore them all day yesterday.

name a song that you know all the words to: Every single Paramore song. Guaranteed.

what’s the last thing you watched on tv? If we’re really going with a physical TV, the last thing I watched was Descendants of the Sun when I used the Netflix app on our TV. The last series I watched in general was Friends.

what can you hear right now? Two fans whirring in the living room.

did you feel better or worse or the same yesterday? I’m slightly better today. I’m glad Kimi has finally been groomed since his fur had knotted up in the last couple of weeks. Plus I also have milk tea today, and that’s always a winner :)))

are you close to your siblings? With my sister, but we treat each other like buddies and are more of the tough-love type. We banter more than anything and we don’t hold heart to heart talks.

do you bite your nails? No we have a nail cutter at home that I use. If I’m going through a period of heightened anxiety I will bite my nails though.

do you like your feet? Uh, I guess. I’m not complaining about them? but I’m also not attracted to feet. Mine are just there and I’m fine with them.

do you sleep well at night? For the most part.

[hyruviandoctor]

So I don’t know how many of you are interested in why I haven’t been on here in about a week, but here goes. I’m sorry if this gets emotional, and I promise I’m not pouting or anything, I just need to get these words off my chest and here seems like a good place to do it long-form.

I’ve been dating the same girl since October of 2015, and for the most part it has been absolutely amazing. I love her with all of my heart, and think she’s the perfect one for me. Not to say she herself is perfect, but I think we compliment each other very well.

I was at my parents’ house for most of May this year and my girlfriend was at our university taking a summer class. Whenever I go home, I get really depressed because my relationship with my parents is incredibly rocky. For example, my mother called my girlfriend a whore over text before she had even met her - 3 months into the relationship. My girlfriend say that text because of a desktop notification on my computer (which she had to borrow because she needed it to run a program her Mac couldn’t), and it’s all been shit since then in terms of my relationship with my mother. My mother thinks my girlfriend should just move past that, but my girlfriend can’t bring herself to do it because my parents have never shown her any kind of respect or interest in getting to know her, despite how much I love her. I did a lot of thinking on my own over the summer and began to form my own opinions on a lot of things. I focused on things my girlfriend and I had discussed because those were the most important to figure out my stances on, but I thought about a lot of stuff. And one of the things I decided was that I had to stand up to my parents and give them an ultimatum if I want our relationship to ever be healthy and if I want them to ever treat my girlfriend right. Basically, they need to get their act together or I’ll have to stop talking to them until they do. And that, unfortunately, could mean that I never speak to my parents again. But if that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes. I can’t take the emotional abuse anymore.

Unfortunately, about a week ago my girlfriend told me we need to take a break. Basically I had transferred my dependence from my parents onto her (and she had, in part, enabled that because she “liked feeling needed”), and I had become too clingy and began smothering her. I also have a lot of insecurities that I took no action to get over and unintentionally blew her off whenever she tried to help me (ie. her telling me that she loves how I look when I say I wish I weren’t fat, even though I’m not fat and she wouldn’t have been with me if she didn’t love me). She also felt like she was figuring out who she was and what she wanted in life and what her beliefs were, but that I had stalled and that, because of that, we were becoming too different. And I totally agree, because I made no effort to try to maintain any self-improvements that I started.

So yeah, we’re currently on a break and I’ve been really struggling with it. I personally think that, if given one more chance with her, we can make our relationship work and we’ll be closer than ever. But right now, I have to focus on myself and give her all of the space she needs to figure things out on her own (and in turn use that space to figure myself out). So I told her that I cannot text her, call her, snap her, go to her apartment, etc. until she’s ready and I’m ready to talk about us. So basically, I’m having to treat this like a full break-up, even though there’s a good chance we could end up together.

In terms of why I think we can get back together, I have a few reasons. She didn’t give me a deadline to prove to her that I’m better because she wants me to find out who I am and not who I think she wants me to be. She told me that she wants me to take the summer to work on myself, but the summer is not the deadline. It’s whenever I feel good about who I am. She told me she loves me and is excited to see where this goes, so that’s hopeful. And she said that she felt that if we had kept going as we had been, we’d have no chance of getting back together because the relationship would be too broken. So again, kind of encouraging words despite the fact that our relationship was struggling before now. Also her parents (and dogs) adore me and want the best for both of us, and would love to see us back together if that is what’s best. She’s also a very blunt, no bullshit person, so I feel like she would’ve just broken up with me if she wasn’t willing to give me another shot. So basically her wording and how long we’ve been together/how much we’ve been through together give me hope for our future. There are more reasons, but they get too personal and nuanced to make sense to anyone who doesn’t know her or our relationship personally, so I’ll spare you guys that (you guys who are really close to me on here can feel free to message me if you really want to know, but I won’t ask you to if you don’t want to).

In terms of signs she doesn’t want to get back together, there are less but they’re fucking me up more because I can’t handle uncertainty. The other day she gave me back a couple shirts I had lent her and a pair of slippers I left at her place. At first this scared the hell out of me, but I later began to think of it as a way for her to clear her mind. If her space is free of me, then her mind can be too and she can focus on herself better instead of getting sad whenever she sees something that reminds her of me and how happy we were once. Another thing is the fact that I asked her if she would be willing to give me another shot when I felt like I was ready and improved, and she said “Honestly, I don’t know. We aren’t there yet.” Which obviously is hard to hear, but she also isn’t one to make rash decisions and trap herself in a corner. And one more thing requires you to know that she hates Facebook. Saturday we were still officially “in a relationship” on her Facebook page. As of Sunday, we are not. This means she had to actively decide to do this, get on her computer, log into Facebook, go into her settings, and remove me. I was absolutely devastated at first, but then I began to look at it like the shirts thing again. Maybe she’s just trying to make me think about who I would be without our relationship and she’s trying to do the same for herself. Labels mean a lot, and being practically single may help her with that. It still scares me though. She also unfollowed me on Instagram, which is scaring the shit out of me because we had some romantic photos together on her account and now I can’t see if she left them up because her account has always been a private one. She’s also going off to grad school a year earlier than I will (she’s a year younger than me, but our degrees worked out funny), so I think she’s nervous about what would happen to us once she graduates. She’s also only 19 (she’s almost 20, but she’s technically still a teenager for now). She’s always been mature for her age, but I think she might be scared about the fact that she doesn’t have all the answers right now. Maybe my level of commitment to her started to freak her out, similarly to how a bride might begin to freak out just before (or on) her wedding day. We’re only kids, so lifelong commitment is hard to conceptualize for us. I know I want to be with her for as long as I can, and I know she has said the same thing to me, but fear strikes everyone at some point. Maybe she just needs time to sort her feelings out. She told me that she wasn’t sure if she ever wanted to get married or have kids, and that she knows that I have at least considered both of those. 

I’m really scared and worried about all of this, but I have to try to remain positive. All I can do is give her time and space to think things through on her own and do the same for myself. If she truly loves me, she’ll come back. I just have to let her see that I love her and miss her, but can also live on my own without freaking out. She says she doesn’t want me to change to please her, or wait for her to be ready, because she doesn’t want to deprive me of my life. But I can tell you this: I have never loved anyone like I have her, and I would do anything for her. Not because it would please her, but because I love her. Someone asked me what it was I liked about her and I couldn’t help but get one of those cheesy grins and say “She just makes me happy, man.” Corny, I know, but it’s true. I really couldn’t do anything to stop smiling like an idiot. I think she really might be The One, but I have to be willing to accept that she may not feel the same way about me right now. I just have to have hope that we’ll be together again, but not expect us to. Because a surprise like that will make things all the sweeter. 

If by some weird chance she remembered my tumblr username and is reading this, I have this to say: I love you, I miss you, and I understand why this is necessary for us to grow. I hope to be with you again soon so that I can show you how much better a man I’ll become; not just for you, but for myself. Maybe we’ll be ready at the end of the summer, maybe it’ll take longer, maybe it’ll never happen. All I know is that I love you and that you are more than worth the wait.

Tagging friends in case they see this long post and don’t think it’s important: @geekyzelda, @darthkerri, @neko-otaku13, @firedragonalchemistofcourage and @starstruckkittengladiator (I know I’ve been texting you about this, but I think this is a good summary of all my thoughts so hopefully I won’t have to bother you with it anymore)

If anyone has anything they want to tell me - advice, etc. - feel free to message me. I could use more friends right now.