#I haven't written in 2 years please don't judge lol

[tuxxore]

FOOL FOR YOUR LOVE • C.T.H

Mafia!Calum x Reader

Plot: Calum shuts Y/N out because he's convinced it's the only way to keep them safe. Little does he know, his actions end up causing even more damage than he anticipated.

Warnings: None!

"You say it's hard to tell what I've been thinking lately, but behind closed doors, I'm a fool for your love”

Calum POV

The sound of the front door slamming sent a knife through my heart. Pulling my head out of my hands felt nearly impossible as regret wasted no time seeping into my body. the words I spat at them meant nothing, I just wanted to keep them away from me for their sake. I grab a pack of beers to drink my woes away as I think of them, Y/N. Hopefully the taste and drown them put my head for the night.

As I lay between the sheets of this California king, the scent of their eucalyptus shampoo filled my nostrils. I wish life was simpler, just for them, because I'll be damned if I let them live in fear but it would also break my heart more if they feared me. I feel tears form in the corners of my eyes at the thought, I let them fall as I clapped the lights off and closed my eyes as I hoped to dream of their Angelic voice, the one drastically different from the wobbly one that rung through my loft earlier

Y/N POV

I wasn't strong enough to stop the waterfall as I sat in my car. I just wanted his heart, but it had seemed so far away these past few weeks. It didn't feel like Calum, It was a stranger that didn't recognize me. Nothing could have prepared me for today, I expected to easily get a simple answer to what was wrong but the words he spewed like venom shattered my heart. As I dried my face, I drove home with Calum on my mind every second of the drive.

The soapy water slipped down my body as I tried to relax in the shower. Trying to forget was just something I couldn't do. It felt a bit pathetic but how could I ignore him? He makes me feel euphoric and loved. I just wonder why'd he push me away, especially if he managed to confess the same feeling of love while trying to say he hated me.

It's 11:45 pm as I lay here with my phone in hand, the texting screen of his contact being the only light in the room. Thoughts like 'What if he blocks my number' along with thoughts of what should be said run through my mind, eventually I settle on one thing and hit send. A simple "I love you" rested as delivered on the screen for a few minutes before I shut it off. The fear of his answer had taken over me so I turned around and closed my eyes, slowly but surely drifting off to sleep.

Next day

Calum POV

'1:43 pm' the clock reads as I check my watch. I knew Y/N texted me but I couldn't get myself to open it, It felt shameful, especially since I let the words "I hate you" utter from my lips towards them. The urge to pick up my phone was strong but I knew I had to let my discipline be stronger, so I left it. Everything within the last 30 minutes of this meeting had been a blur but the only thing that I had properly retained was that we were targets, while that was a big problem I couldn't stop placing the feelings for Y/N in my heart above that.

We took a lunch break as there was more to talk about later. I walked into their favorite cafe out of habit, I could've sworn a tint of eucalyptus lingered in the air. Her best friend Elena stood behind the counter smiling at me. “I didn't expect to see you here” she beamed though it had a questioning undertone. “What do you mean?” I inquired, my mind couldn't have possibly been prepared for what she would say next.

Y/N POV

The radio blasted through my ears as I drove through the city with all my belongings in the back of my car. The fact that he didn't respond or read it was enough confirmation for me. I wanted to visit my comfort spot one last time before I left back home. As I closed the car door and walked under the large apple tree, memories of the past 8 months flooded my mind. His touch, taste, and scent filled my senses. I longed for it all, I longed for him.

Deep down a part of me wanted to hate him and his stupidly gorgeous face but another part of me loved him, so much that I'd give my life for him if he needed it. The tears started to flow quickly, I sat down on the dead grass and pushed my knees and head into my chest. I sobbed quietly, secretly wanting to feel his arms around me again. Just me and this apple tree forest surrounded the area, but still, it felt empty. I felt empty.

Calum POV

Y/N heading back home? That can’t be true right? My mind raced with thoughts of them. I whipped my phone out to finally read the text message, a simple “I love you.” highlighted in blue on my screen. I had to look for them, follow them. I don't want them to leave, especially because of me.

Transportation by foot since I didn't bring my car was my only option today, worry about not making it fast enough took up my spirit’s freedom as I’ve been to Sunshine National now or their fourth favorite spot in the city as they say. There was only one last chance to find her and that was the apple forest, she showed it to me a while ago, it's her favorite place to be during stressful times. The ring of my cellphone cut me out of my thoughts briefly as I saw it was Michael, my right-hand man.

“Dude, Where the fuck are you?” the pink-haired man questioned. “Busy, why?” I said blankly. An irritated sigh left the other’s lips following my last response. “Busy doing fucking what? You've left me here with a bunch of guys asking where the boss is.” I was seeing the hill to the forest and happiness consumed me as I saw their unique colored car there as well. I let out him as I searched for a response finally I let out something for the pinkie on the phone, “Tell them it's canceled and to go home” I clicked the red button quickly as I saw Y/N, my Y/N to be frank.

I yelled out for them but received nothing. I jogged my way to the weeping soul under the tree, the same scent of my tainted bed sheets filled my nose again. It brought me a warming comfort, as I placed my arm around them. Their head popped up to look at me, being in utter shock. As if it was an instinct I connected the space between us, crashing our lips together. To my surprise, they kissed back. I pulled away so we could catch our breaths, and as soon as I did they began to speak, I let out a hush sound to keep them silent. I couldn't help it anymore. It was becoming painful to hold the contents of my heart. I held Y/N close and looked into their eyes with tears filling mine, “Don't ever leave. I know I seemed off but that's because I kept trying to shut you out. I won't ever do that again, I was a fool to my feelings.” I let the tears stream down my face, they made me feel comfortable enough to do so, and they made me feel warm. I placed my head into their neck, their soft hands reaching up to comb through my hair. “I was such an idiot thinking I wanted you out of my life.” I spoke in a squeaky, drained voice.

“when in reality, behind closed doors, I'm a fool for your love.”

© all rights reserved. My work is not to be translated, altered, or reposted without my knowledge and permission.

[wifiwuxians]

20 questions writer meme.

tagged by @heyholmesletsgo THANK YOUUU

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

not counting things i'd rather remained anonymous, 21!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

513,621 lol

3. What fandoms do you write for?

mdzs, vaguely tgcf, hotline miami (though mostly past tense) and we'll see about the future

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Wei Wuxian's Super Special Super Secret Book Club still reigns supreme with 1229 kudos, and will most likely be my legacy despite it being the second fic i ever wrote for the fandom (i think?)

If You're Reading This, It's Too Late with 513, one would think i'd still be messing around with this AU but i'm happy to leave it where it is and just keep messing around with the crackship

Dawn Chorus, my most precious baby, at 251 by some miracle despite being oc/canon. you guys spoiled me with the love for this one tbh. none of my other xue yang centric works got anywhere near this close and i'm at peace with that because he's bonking my oc in this one and they have a kid.

The Book Club Extras at 232, which is hilarious when compared to the original but at least new readers will see there's more and maybe in the year 2055 i will publish them for fun

Frozen Pond with 156 at the end of the list, written for my friend @petitjams and taking place in a silly AU we made together (wen chao stays winning on here which is very funny)

i'm attributing the popularity of the first two to mostly being centered around super popular characters, because my later stuff is naturally better yet struggling haha

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

always unless they're like just emoji, because i like conversation! though i may also reply with a little heart hehe

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i wouldn't call it angstiest ending, it's bittersweet, but the threads that bind us is my top pick. and it also needs more readers so go read it. your hands and mine has a bit of an 'angsty' ending but only for song lan. xue yang had it coming :p 💖

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

excluding the two above, so far they all have a happy ending, or at least neutral??? i'd say Book Club, though, because that's the massive 'everybody lives!!' silly fixit fic

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope. i hope i didn't just jinx it. i get hate on art and through anon though! woo! (not anymore on here tho thank god)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i do and i feel like it sucks so i almost always end up fading to black LMAO my actual explicit stuff remains private... it's like too embarrassing for me. i got judged for it as an 18 year old and 10 years later haven't gotten over it. i like bondage and bdsm though and that seems to crop up in private 😏

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i do on occasion! i love roleplaying them, but the only one i have out there is The Way To His Heart Is Through His Stomach (Oh God Please Don't Eat Me), which mixes mdzs and tgcf characters in a unique setting :3

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge, but i've had art stolen plenty so i wouldn't even be surprised

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes, a few have been translated into russian!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

NOT YET BUT IT'S IN THE CARDS

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

all time? jeez. somebody tell me why i always freeze up and go blank when asked these simple questions? it's like i forget who the fuck i am. i feel like i should also say songxiao? but they're relatively new so it doesn't seem correct. fuck it. my all time favorite ship is [DATA MISSING OR CORRUPTED-- PLEASE PROCEED TO NEXT QUESTION]

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

haha... (looks at my abandoned hlm fic with the seventh chapter halfway written) haha...

16. What are your writing strengths?

i'd definitely say dialog. it makes sense, since the stuff i'm most used to doing is drawing silly comics. i also like to ping-pong emotions around and feel like i'm pretty good at that too

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

using the same words over and over and feeling like i never write Enough, like everything is always light and never in depth. i don't like making scenes too heavy with padding but i also feel like i need to find a balance

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i'll do it only if it's a language i speak!!! this doesn't apply to peppering words like gege and stuff just for funsies. i think the best way to go about it is to just tell the audience what language they're speaking in that moment

19. First fandom you wrote for?

we're gonna have to go back to when i was 10 years old here lol... i think it was tokyo mew mew in terms of stuff i put online (oh god)

20. Favorite fic you've written?

it's hard to pick favorites, but i once again must say the threads that bind us in terms of work i'm most proud of.

i tag whoever sees it, plus @sugarapplebaby because ily

[the-sapphire-general]

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 3)

Well I did say I would make a third part if I had more in mind about Sephiroth. And much to my surprise, there is more! So here it is! Parts 1 and 2 can be found here so you can keep up just in case I mention anything from those posts:

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 1)

My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth (Part 2)

Now this one will be a little different because I will include more about the portrayals I've seen throughout the Internet, my own opinions about them, and my own portrayal. Plus I will include the essay I wrote about him for one of my college courses and I might say random things about Sephiroth that I will discuss. 

First will be the portrayals of Sephiroth I have noticed throughout the Internet. I will not attack any of these or offend anyone who has these headcanons. I respect everybody's headcanons, and it's a good thing too because being a jerk to anyone who has portrayals that are different from yours is stupid and a waste of time. I have friends whose portrayals are varied, and we don't fight over how Sephiroth should act. Love them, hate them, be neutral to them, just as long as you handle this in a mature manner. 

Now I have mentioned the portrayal of Sephiroth where he's unnaturally hypersexual in part 1, so I will not go into detail about it anymore. It's already been done. Another one I will not discuss again is the mindless killing machine portrayal (mentioned in part 2). To those who do or like these portrayals, I dislike them but I will respect your choice.

Now for the portrayals. The ones I really enjoy are the ones for his Crisis Core self (or pre-Nibelheim if you want to put it that way). As I have stated before, I can relate to his past personality, so I really like a lot of the headcanons. Picturing him, say, struggling to socialize, not knowing much of certain things (i.e. video games), spending time with friends, basically being human is heartwarming for me. I take it a lot of people like CC Sephiroth, and who wouldn't? There was this one story where Sephiroth took a liking to lemon drops, which is one thing I added to my own headcanon page on my blog. I found it rather sweet and cute. That's like me but with chocolate. I love chocolate. And then there's one where he has no idea what a sitcom is due to his sheltered upbringing, and it was pretty amusing to picture Genesis and Angeal trying to explain it to him as they watched TV. There are many others that I don't think I can list since there are so many of them, and for a lot of them, I like them. There's some that I don't, but that's just my personal opinion.

Now for the Sephiroth we all know after the Nibelheim Incident. Man, I'm beginning to remember what I've read. It's hard for me to find some portrayals that I like because the ones I've seen so far were unsettling. Sephiroth being a sadistic rapist is one of the worst ones I've seen so far. Not as in the stories are poorly written or something like that but for me, it's one of my least favorite portrayals. I get that he lost his mind, but I believe he wouldn't go that far. I wouldn't go that far with my own portrayal because it just makes me feel uncomfortable. Just thinking about it makes me uneasy.

I confess that I don't know my limits when it comes to portraying Sephiroth. For a long time, I've been trying to grasp his evil demeanor and I still hesitate to go further and struggle to get inside his head sometimes. So I don't know how far I can go with dark, twisted, cruel scenarios, but rape is one of my limits. I won't reveal the user, but I was recently asked if I could do necrophilia. When I got the question, I was speechless. That's another one of my limits. I really can't imagine Sephiroth being...intimate with a corpse. Much to my relief, they respected my opinion. And I like that. People should respect others because everyone has limits and if I have to force myself to write Sephiroth doing rape, acting all creepily intimate around Jenova, asphyxiation (as in the kink), or something that I don't see him doing, I won't enjoy the roleplays at all. I used to wish I could please everybody, but that's an impossible goal and I should keep in mind about what I want and don't want to do. Again, I don't know my limits too well, so if anyone wants to RP with me on my Sephiroth blog and it involves something that you're not sure if I accept or not, please message me. I'll try to get out of my comfort zone, but please respect my limits. If I don't do certain things, there are other Sephiroth blogs out there. It's simple and it will prevent pointless drama.

My portrayal for Sephiroth is close to his canon self but mixed with his CC side and my own headcanons. I try to stay close to canon as I write, and I silently read what I wrote and then read it out loud while picturing Sephiroth saying it. If what I wrote doesn't work, I revise them until they sound like Sephiroth. It's still not easy because I'm still struggling with his dark, insane, cruel self, the villain everyone knows and loves. One thing is certain is I do try my best to make him more human but still maintaining his character. I can't make him too human or else that ruins his cold and distant qualities, like making him fall madly in love with someone or bawling his eyes out. Now I haven't seen these examples anywhere, so I'm just throwing in random hypothetical headcanons here. The point is I do try my best not to make him too kind, soft, patient, you know, real nice or else that's not really Sephiroth. Lol But I also don't make him relentlessly cruel to the max 24/7. Both extremes aren't portrayals I like, so I am tackling middle ground. It's possible, and if others don't like my portrayal, that's fine, but they shouldn't judge me for it.

Since I'm discussing my own portrayal, I might as well explain other things about it. Let's see, he has interests outside of trying to destroy/conquer the world and messing with Cloud. My character is a loyal follower. Her profile isn't on my blog but her name is Maybelle Rose, and she's Sephiroth's love interest. Speaking of this, I make Sephiroth a bit of a Tsundere towards others, not necessarily involving romance like with Maybelle. He doesn't act like a stereotypical Tsundere, but he's a very, very subtle version. 

Romance. Now this is something that might piss off so many, but I can picture him in a relationship. No, I'm not talking about Crisis Core Sephiroth. I mean post-CC. Say what you want, but I can see it. If done well, it can work. I don't like following the stereotype that villains are incapable of love. Some villains can truly be incapable of love, but not ALL villains. It's not mandatory. A friend of mine claims that Sephiroth is bland. Now I completely disagree with his opinion, but it did give me confidence in pursing romance regarding Sephiroth. Heroes are written as human beings, why not do the same for villains? That's what makes characters compelling, it makes them real. That's what I'm basically trying to do with Sephiroth, and as challenging as it may be at times and despite people probably going against this idea as they read this, I'll do it. My blog now allows shippings. Yes, I now accept shippings. I used to not accept them, but I changed my mind. My reasons are shown in my rant here:

Sephiroth Fandom Rant

Okay I know I said I wouldn't mention the hypersexual Sephiroth portrayal, but I might as well. If he were in a romantic relationship, he wouldn't be like that. Sephiroth doesn't get horny around everyone. Seriously, he's not a sex-obsessed maniac. Sephiroth is a private man with dignity and he would never act extremely sexual, let alone sexual in general. He would be intimate with his significant other, but it would be in a normal level and he would be intimate in private. And I must add that my portrayal does involve Sephiroth having kinks, but he's not sex-obsessed like I said. He has self-control and he keeps things private. 

Now for the next thing. I wrote this essay over two years ago, and apparently I kept it after all this time. Lol Yes I wrote an essay about Sephiroth, back when I was still somewhat of a new fan. The assignment was to do a paper on a criminal, real or fictional, and diagnose them with specific personality disorders. However, it didn't mean that they HAD to have any of these disorders. We just had to show the instructor that we understood the material we have learned during class. Take a look at my essay here:

Essay on Sephiroth

Fun fact: My other choice for this assignment was Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. XD But Sephiroth was a better candidate and I was able to write more about him than I could have ever done about Gaston. Schizoid Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder were two of the ten types of personality disorders that came close to Sephiroth's behavior. I don't consider either of these disorders as my personal headcanons for him. I honestly never did despite Schizoid PD being pretty close. And much to my shock, my instructor liked my paper and I wound up getting an A! I never got an A on any papers, so it felt amazing to finally get a grade that was higher than a C.

Speaking of psychology, one headcanon that's somewhere online is that Sephiroth has autism. Well, it is possible because I have a friend who is autistic, but during my research on this condition, I don't see Sephiroth as autistic. Sure some of his traits do seem to resemble signs and symptoms, but speculation isn't considered a confirmation that he has autism. He might have it but I would rather have Square Enix confirm it if he really is autistic. On another note, I do understand why they headcanon him as autistic. They relate to Sephiroth because some of his traits remind them of themselves. I get that and if they think he's autistic, that's okay with me. This headcanon is also given to Papyrus from Undertale and Pearl and Peridot from Steven Universe, so I'm familiar with this. Even L from Death Note is believed to be autistic. To be honest, I kind of believe it regarding L. That's just my opinion, though.

Tangent aside, courtesy of a friend, I am more intrigued by Sephiroth in a new level. Aside from his appearance and personality, his intelligence, the way he thinks has me curious. Yes I have been trying to get into his head to improve my portrayal, and I think I found a strategy. If I want to portray and act like Sephiroth, I have to think like him...in less destructive ways, might I add. Lol I may not be an expert as Sephiroth yet, but I'll get there. I've come this far on my blog, and I'm not throwing it all away. 

Speaking of my Sephiroth blog, besides that it would be fun and such, I created my own blog because I wanted to express my passion for him. He's one of my role models that made me stronger and I just really admire him. And like I said, I knew I could connect with other fans. Sure, there's a toxic side of the fandom, but that won't stop me. I did feel offended several days ago, as mentioned in my rant, but I'm fine now. In addition to my reasons, I didn't start the blog for fame. Popularity isn't really a big deal for me, I just want to show everyone how much of a Sephiroth fan I am in creative ways. Besides, I found the thought of portraying Sephiroth a fun challenge considering he's my opposite, and he pretty much started my fascination for villains. I also made friends thanks to the blog, one of them being my best friend here on Tumblr. :)

Now to finish this post with one more thing. When I was still a new Sephiroth fan, I confess that I tried to redeem him. Of course it was a difficult task to do for a story, and I admit I was determined to do it. However, as I kept going, I slowly realized doing this implied I didn't like him the way he is, the villain he is widely known as instead of what he used to be before discovering his origins. So I drifted away from redemption and focused on Sephiroth on who he is without changing him. Today, I love Sephiroth for who he is, cruel, cold, calculating, everything. Why change a character you're supposed to love? You wouldn't do that to a real-life partner, or anyone in general. Sephiroth wouldn't have liked me for trying to make him turn a new leaf. Lol So I never pursued redemption for him again. It was too hard anyway. It's like trying to redeem the Joker! That's how hard it was for me. So screw that mind-numbing task, Sephiroth should remain as the badass villain I have grown to love.

Well, this is it. For real this time! Lol This is my final part of the "My Thoughts and Feelings About Sephiroth" posts. I said everything I had to say about Sephiroth as I included all my thoughts, feelings, etcetera. I'm out of things to say about him, so no fourth post! XD If I ever have more Sephiroth-related comments that comes to mind, I'll just make small posts. Will I make more long posts like these? Perhaps. I had fun writing these posts. Maybe I can tackle other topics, or maybe talk about another character in detail. Well, see ya!