#I haven't played mtg in years and idk what this is even doing on my dash but

[sleeplessinpnw]

Dear dad,

I miss you. I feel like writing to you and wish that I could share words with you in person again.

You've been gone for 20 years now. I can't believe it. Time really flies by these days. I'm about to turn 30 and it always pains me that I will never be able to share a cold pint of beer with you. Share more laughs. Share more moments together. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I'm numb to it now. I've cried many times about you. I wont ever be able to accept what happened on that day 20 years ago. I didn't even know the full truth about your death until college. Mom kept it from me. To protect me.... in case you're wondering, it bothered me and still does.

How are you? I miss you. I miss your laugh. I miss your company. I miss you playing the guitar. I guess you could sum it up and just know that I miss everything about you. The hardest part to admit is that.... with how much time has gone by and with how young I was when you left us.... things have faded. I wish I had more memories with you. I wish I had more time with you. I wish I could hold you in my arms again. I lost the teddy bear you gave to me the last valentines day we shared together. It had your hand writing on it. You gave it to me in the parking lot of Madeline.....

I'm sorry I sold you MTG cards..... It's funny how material possessions mean so much to us. Oh, I'm sorry I didn't scatter your ashes in a better place. UGH. I'm sorry that I don't talk to your friends as much as I should to keep in touch. I haven't been well.... And it kills me to think about what you would think about me now. Would you be embarrassed? Mad at my actions while unmedicated? Hurt? Fuck....

Mom has a boyfriend now. I mean, you had a girlfriend during your time of passing. Mom literally hasn't been in a relationship since you. 20 years. You may have split up but... she really loves you. She's happy with her boyfriend and it makes me happy. But it makes emotions surface that I don't feel comfortable talking about. I'm not use to having a father figure anymore. It feels weird. To hear them laugh and talk in her bedroom. It use to be you. I haven't heard another voice with her in that room since you....

I'm schizophrenic. It's been a really hard journey. I burned a lot of bridges because of how sick I became. Started believing in the voices in my head after years of battling them unmedicated. Started freaking people out. I thought a cult was after me. I thought I was targeted with voodoo. I posted about it all the time on instagram. It got bad. I'm doing better now. I just dont.... talk to anyone anymore. I've been rebuilding my life slowly..... I don't have a real job still.... I think you would be disappointed in me.... I lost the colors in my head and don't want to be an artist anymore but that's all I use to be good at. Needless to say, I'm pretty lost at 30 years old. I'm sorry for fucking up. It's been really hard. I think about what my old ex friends are doing with their lives versus me and it makes me feel like shit. I go to therapy but... Idk.... it helps a little. Only time and being medicated and meeting new people who were un involved with seeing my crumbling apart to mental illness will help.

I wonder what you would think of me.... I wonder what our relationship would be if you were still alive. I wonder what influence you would have on me compared to mom. I don't remember everything about you..... I'm sorry. I got mad at you and destroyed your picture. I took down your memorial in our hallway for about a year. It's on our mantle now. I just can't believe you got behind the wheel that night. It changed so many peoples lives. I have a hard time crying these days, but writing this is helping.

I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm hurt in so many places. And now I'm legally a crazy person with my mental illness. I don't have a job with a future and money. FUCK! A part of me thinks that if you were apart of my life after grade school that something different would have happened. I'll never have that time, ya know?? I want you to be here! I need you. No man will ever fill your shoes. Not that anyone is going to try. But.... I lost a part of me when I lost you. I lost another part of me when I started forming my schizophrenia. I want my dad back. But I want it to be like from the times before you and mom had problems and split up. I would do anything to go back in time and fix it. I guess there's a part of me that hasn't let go of that.

Well.... This hasn't been the most positive letter.... I'm hoping this is going to be the first of many. I have this idea that if I write you letters from now on that it will help me feel closer to you again. Idk.... not that you would feel so great hearing everything I wrote in this letter..... I just miss you and life is hard. I feel like it will be a way to talk to you even if you aren't here.... I want to feel you in my arms so badly it hurts. I wish I could smell you and hear you.

Until next time,

Sophie <3

[hamofjustice]

playtested my hearthstone-like last night. i haven't actually played the real thing in years, but started researching it again recently. testing didn't really tell me anything i didn't already know. gotta have a test where i actually have everything "printed out" (virtually) first. i can't believe randomized decks that only have minions up to 4 cost and spells up to 3 cost because i didn't finish making them yet had obvious balance problems

the player who went first + got the first hit (well, both players were me, but yknow) never ended up taking any net damage again until they won due to lack of board clears (mostly due to the above)

both players were running out of cards a lot without much draw or anything big to spend mana on (also due to the above lol)

i didn't get to test any other kinds of cards, especially ones that would differentiate it from the game i'm basing it on, either

it was good to double check in action just how many different kinds of counters i need to use to mark different things and not forget about them, though. damage, buffs, debuffs, added keywords, etc. i was kind of amazed how many things it seems like you need to just remember in your head to play MTG, and i'm trying to avoid that or any mechanics that wouldn't be feasible on a tabletop (sorry Discover and creating copies, i will do my best to simulate you somehow)

i don't know yet if this game is going to be faster or slower than HS, but i know it had some issues i want to avoid. biggest one, imo, is having so few options at any given moment, due to the tiny opening hands that may contain cards you can't even afford to play yet, that it's basically playing itself half the time. if i let that happen here i've lost sight of the point

i'm gonna give you more options and more hero powers/cantrips, and let more of the game happen out on the table where you can see it and less secretly in your hands. that's what i REALLY want to test out and see the effects of, and take on fixing the problems it introduces (if it's anything like HS, i expect aggro with a tempo advantage to completely take over and am trying to keep this in mind with as much of the card design as possible because i want to maintain its combat system anyway)

i also decided early on that i want to avoid the usual generic medieval fantasy setting, or even my own fantasy setting that i was going to use at first. inspired by yugioh and just, idk, toy stores in general, i decided i wanted something cartoonish that spends as little time as possible explaining its lore or having consistent tone and theming. luchador plant girls will hold off robot dinosaurs while your wizard birds research how to build a summoning circle for a monster truck

this was meant to be a quick and simple project and there's no classes or class restrictions because of that, but then it ballooned out of control in scope a bit. i hope i can stay motivated to the finish line on this thing because the point was basically just to finish something