#I haven't finished Ichimatsu's sorry been distracted

[tottymatsuno]

Who You Actually Are: Ichimatsu 1/2

Author: Roro (halfeviltotty)

Fandom: Osomatsu-san

Pairing: Ichimatsu x reader

Category: trauma recovery fic

Rating: T

Summary: fucked up cat boy gets locked in the looneybin

Word count: i dont count

Warnings: forced hospitalizations, forced sedation and realistic depictions of psychiatric wards.

Commentary: editing it now <3

Tch, those bastards finally did it. Ichimatsu knew this day was coming for years and was long overdue. It was just one public outburst too many, huh? Now he's in the crazybin with all of the other fuck ups.

Ichimatsu remembers attacking a few people and screaming nonsensical curse words but all in all it was a regular Thursday night in the city to be honest.

He'll be out very soon and when he goes home Ichimatsu is going to kill those idiots.

That's his first thought after he wake up two days later with the sedatives wearing out of his system.

"What's your name and date of birth?" Ichimatsu opens his mouth to bark out the answer at the scrawny piece of shit doctor and even tries to bite that sonvabitch for good measure. Within a few loud and violent minutes Ichimatsu is back off to empty dreamland.

This repeats a few times until they strap Ichimatsu down. Ichimatsu doesn't get it though, he thinks when he wakes up the 4th time. Ichimatsu's family doesn't react that way, his brothers knows he's actually harmless.

What kind of cat would he be if Ichimatsu didn't lash out when overstimulated?

"I'm just playing around why are they treating me like I'm dangerous?" Ichimatsu stares at nothing for hours in a blank room until someone comes in with a tray and cocktail of pills. There's a level of distance between Ichimatsu and this large and intimidating man.

"Please take these." Ichimatsu decides to cooperate this time because he finally understands being here isn't like home at all.

The person leaves right away without another word.

This happens a few more times over what feels like forever, the worst part is Ichimatsu is so fucking out of it he can't tell heads or tails how long it's been going on. He feels so loopy and tired, every now and then Ichimatsu is given food and then he sleeps and takes his pills and then eats again.

Finally another doctor comes in this time with three men who seem to be ready to sedate Ichimatsu again at a moments notice.

"Good morning, I'm Dr. Sato. Can you tell me your name please?" The doctor has a notepad and pen out.

"Matsuno Ichimatsu." Ichimatsu manages to slur out.

"Your birthday?" Dr. Sato nods and writes down some things.

"May 24th."

Ichimatsu manages to answer all of the questions and Dr. Sato seems very pleased by this.

"So Matsuno-san, I'm going to tell you what's happened since you've arrived. You were admitted on June 14th involuntarily due to a psychotic break. After that you were deemed still a danger to others so we have had to sedate you a few times. You've also been on a steady regime of Seroquel and Gabapinten which is why you're so sluggish right now. It should be taking it's maximum effect in a few days. Very soon we will be switching you from rapid to extended release to ensure your stability. And in a few days we will up the dosage according to your needs. If you could sign the consent forms for the continuation of your treatment here."

Ichimatsu's hands tremble as he grasps the papers. "Isn't this going a bit too far? Where's my brothers?" Ichimatsu is handed a blunt marker.

"You've had some visitors but as of yet we haven't determined if you can be seen by others. We'll see how you do in a few days, okay? Besides you should focus on getting better right now, don't you agree?" Dr. Sato says like he's speaking to an impatient child.

Ichimatsu signs the papers quickly and hands them back. "Ah, thank goodness. I didn't want to have the judge extend that order."

Ichimatsu pales and doesn't want to know what that means.

"Alright, since you're doing well right now we're going to do a few supervised trial runs to see if you can integrate with the other patients. If you behave we can let you out of solitary. Does that sound good to you?"

When did he start to sweat so intensely? Ichimatsu rapidly nods and the switch to his normiesona is switched back on. Ichimatsu has to pull this off carefully, he can't just force himself to act like a regular human being out of nowhere because that'd be suspicious. But he can't continue his regular behavior either.

He can vaguely remember the circumstances that lead him to be sedated multiple times, despite Ichimatsu not taking it seriously in those moments it's clicking into place that he might not be able to leave this facility unless he cooperates. The infringement on Ichimatsu's freedom starkly reminds him that being considered actually crazy and dangerous isn't fun like he thought it'd be.

He can't bathe, can't wash his hands with soap, they haven't given him a toothbrush or really any hygiene products. Ichimatsu is barely able to interact with anyone, he's all alone and purposefully isolated from the other people. Ichimatsu can't talk to anyone, can't vent, can't breathe, can't scream, can't walk around, can't eat what he wants, can't drink what he wants or when. Ichimatsu is at their mercy in this hospital.

Ichimatsu has to get the hell out.

Ichimatsu stresses over this conundrum the second Dr. Sato leaves. "Ah, thank you." Ichimatsu is then handed more pills by a large man, Ichimatsu instantly downs them. The cup of water goes ignored until a new voice speaks loudly, "You have to drink the water as well." Ichimatsu does as he's told without question.

The man then sticks his head out of the door and shouts something. This turns Ichimatsu's insides into knots because he took the pills?! Who's he calling over and why?! Ichimatsu is complying, he swears! Ichimatsu sits rigid as a male nurse steps into the room. "Hey, how are you?" This new interloper asks casually. "Good..." Ichimatsu forces a painfully fake smile like he's in high school again.

"Good to hear! I'm doing alright myself." The man from before is just standing there acting like he's not watching every move Ichimatsu makes as this new guy approaches him with an easy-going grin. Ichimatsu can feel the anxiety radiating off of the nurse though. "Alright, can you do me a favor and get undressed down to your underwear?"

The nurse places down something flat and blue on the bed Ichimatsu just awoke from. "You can get changed into these when we're done, don't worry this isn't anything weird. It's just standard procedure." Ichimatsu doesn't even know if he's still breathing when he takes off his hoodie. It's not as if he hasn't been in worse states lf undress before but the lack of choice makes Ichimatsu's skin crawl. Ichimatsu has never been forced to take off his clothes by himself, in uncomfortable situations Ichimatsu is one of a set.

Ichimatsu doesn't protest though. The two hospital workers watch with bored expressions while the nurse writes some things down on the clipboard Ichimatsu hadn't noticed until now. "Turn around please." Ichimatsu does just that. A few more things are jotted down before the nurse announces Ichimatsu is good to go and leaves. "You can get dressed now." Ichimatsu doesn't have anything else to say.

"Group starts in 5 minutes if you want to join." This man doesn't even know Ichimatsu and yet sounds irritated by his existence. Ichimatsu shrinks up and nods, "Yes."

"Alright, let's go." The man takes the small cups back and throws them away.

Ichimatsu trails behind the man as he looks around. The first real thing he notices is the groups of people standing around awkwardly, another he realizes that his clothes are different. Ichimatsu has never seen fabric this thin, "So these are paper scrubs?" Other people wear gowns but Ichimatsu has these scrubs on.

He asks this question to himself.

"Yeah. This your first time in a hospital?" The man asks while Ichimatsu drags his feel across the linoleum tiles. The grip on the socks makes his skin crawl.

Like he's being slowly choked out.

"Yes." It's dawned on him before but now it's upon him again that this isn't a game. Ichimatsu feels the severity but its not dramatic like he expected, instead it's surreal. It's depressing and he feels terrified. But he can't outwardly express that terror so he swallows it down with each gulp. Ichimatsu's labored breathing catches the attention of the man.

"That's right, just breathe in and out. Don't freak out." The words are spoken harshly but their meaning is kind. Ichimatsu doesn't understand any of this.

Ichimatsu thinks that movies didn't prepare him enough for this. It's not horror movie scary, not really. Ichimatsu enters the group therapy room and sees mostly adults older than him and only two other young people.

It's something else much worse.

The older adults Ichimatsu sees are clearly unwell and he trembles as he walks past them because Ichimatsu is judging their covers and the contents of these books are not something he can stomach.

There's an open seat next to you and Ichimatsu isn't surprised you don't make eye contact mostly because he refused to look and see in the first place. All he perceived was the shape of someone less threatening, and a plastic chair with no ass in it.

The therapist walks in obviously phoning it in and Ichimatsu notices the man from earlier hasn't left, he's actually lingering closely near Ichimatsu and another man shows up to block the door. They're treating Ichimatsu like he's actually scum and a criminal. This makes him sweat even more because Ichimatsu didn't have a good life at home, it had its trauma and Ichimatsu has had his hardship but it wasn't like they took him seriously.

Ichimatsu has faced consequences before but not as scary as this... What if they lobotomize him like they did in that movie?! Ichimatsu begins to panic until he feels a hand on his back rubbing it in circles.

This grounds him completely and when Ichimatsu looks up it's you next to him.

"Just breathe in." You inhale, "And now out." You exhale. The therapist notices and leads the rest of the breathing exercises while the man from before removes your hand. "No touching other patients, remember?"

Your hand is let go and you nervously smile, "I know, he just..." The man shakes his head and you cut yourself off.

"That's very nice of you to want to help the other patients, but these rules are for everyone's safety." Ichimatsu focuses in on the therapist and the meditation exercises that are being said until he calms down.

He can hear you work on your own breathing, after five minutes when Ichimatsu is calm the therapist continues.

"Alright, so today we're going to work on processing a bit. Can anyone..." This drones on and Ichimatsu tunes out pretty quickly. So does everyone else, Ichimatsu can see everyone staring dead eyed around, completely checked out of reality and he feels frightened.

You sit next to him, attentive towards the group. Each person goes across and says their name, an introduction and what they were brought in for and what coping skills will they utilize from now on. Ichimatsu doesn't get it.

Why are we clapping? Ichimatsu thinks as he copies the crowds reactions.

When he listens in to the depressing mumblings of the other patients Ichimatsu knows for a fact he doesn't belong here. Not really!

But then it's his turn to introduce himself, Ichimatsu jolts and pulls his legs up in the chair to his chest.

"U-uhm. I'm Matsuno Ichimatsu, the fourth son. I'm here because..." Ichimatsu mutters quietly out his own introduction, "I was told I had a psychotic break... And I." He strains to continue, "I plan on practicing good sleep hygiene from now on." Ichimatsu manages to force out.

There's a round of clapping for him and makes Ichimatsu feel uncomfortable because he didn't say anything special.

Wait, didn't Ichimatsu just depressingly mumble out his intro too? Ichimatsu rapidly looks around and studies the faces of the other patients. They're all sad older adults, yes...

But.

On closer inspection, Ichimatsu doesn't fear them as much anymore. Everyone here must feel the same anxiety as Ichimatsu since they're all in the same state as him. Because of this Ichimatsu finds himself hesitantly interacting with this group of people more. He answers a few times a couple questions even if Ichimatsu can't find his voice loud enough to project out the answer the therapist seems more than happy to paraphrase it for the others to hear and expand on.

When group is over it's lunch time, Ichimatsu stays in his seat hugging his legs until the man from before taps his shoulder. "How are you feeling?"

How is he feeling? "A bit better, thank you..." Ichimatsu half lies softly.

"You think you can go to lunch with everyone else or are you ready to go back to your room?" Ichimatsu doesn't hesitate to shake his head yes.

"I want to eat lunch with everyone else." This is the first time Ichimatsu has smiled, and the man seems to grin in return. "Alright, let's go then."

On the walk over the man says some words that do terrify Ichimatsu with a how much relief he feels. "Glad you were able to pull yourself together, was afraid I'd have to tranq you again. I'll tell Dr. Sato about this, but I think tomorrow you'll be able to get out of solidary if you keep this up." His words are good natured, his tone casual and without malice. Ichimatsu is still quaking though.

"I'm glad..." Ichimatsu whispers. "What's today's date?" This question has been on his mind for a little bit. The man pulls down his sleeve to check his digital watch. "July 5th."

Ichimatsu swallows down his reaction and nods, "Thank you."

He's got to get the hell out of here.

The lunch room is too bright and yet dingier than he'd expect. There's scuff marks on everything, scratches from age and the walls haven't been painted in years, the tile is yellowed from lack of proper maintenance... And yet the fluorescent lights burn Ichimatsu's eyes.

There's a vague assembly of people waiting on one side of the room and Ichimatsu looks up to his shadow for confirmation he could stand with the others. The man shakes his head no and Ichimatsu stays where he is. "They're bringing up your tray right now so please wait a bit." The man tells Ichimatsu casually.

Names are called seemingly out of order, and Ichimatsu watches you walk over nervously to grab your own tray. You take a seat and Ichimatsu secretly hopes that there will be one empty near you.

Others seem to ignore your table and gather around to have muted conversations about the food. When it's Ichimatsu's turn your table has one seat left.