#I haven't been able to sleep because of the shit I've already seen playing on in my head

[basuralindo]

Hi. I plan on talking to my relatives who take yearly trips to Hawai'i to stop going. Are there any good sources you'd recommend for the negative effects of tourism on native Hawai'ians (especially in regards to the current crisis on Maui).

Hi, thanks for trying to talk to them about it. I don't have any good sources on hand, and honestly I just don't have the emotional fortitude to go looking for them right now.

Your best bet would be to look up Kanaka Maoli on instagram or tiktok, as there are a lot of native people posting informational videos about the issue.

You can also try pointing them to the Hawaiian Airlines official statement requesting that all nonessential travel be postponed, or even the very softly worded state travel advisory. However, the advisory really makes it sound like everything's fine so long as they don't stay in the affected area, and that's just not the case.

If they're willing to listen, please try telling them that there currently aren't enough available structures to house all the people who have been displaced by the fires, and they are needing to use vacation rentals and hotels. If your relatives stay anywhere on Maui in these coming months, they will likely be forcing a family to stay in an already overcrowded shelter or on the street. There is a water shortage, as the fire damage has leaked toxic chemicals into the water supply in various parts of the island. My mom is currently reliant on volunteer supplies of fresh water, as it isn't even completely safe to bathe in her area. If your relatives stay anywhere on Maui, they will be supplied with water that is desperately needed by locals all over the island, and that water is in very short supply. If they drink and bathe there, my family and neighbors might not be able to. Yesterday I dropped off several blankets, first aid, and basic hygiene supplies to be flown over to Maui because there is not enough to go around on the island right now. It's in the middle of the ocean, all products typically take days and weeks to reach them, and several other residential areas were damaged by fires that are still going right now, there simply isn't enough to go around and the tourist industry demands A LOT of resources

[thoraeth]

A/N: 850 words, gn!reader. You're the personal assistant of the weirdest punk band in the Grand Line and today you're having a breakdown. Unfortunately, Buggy has no intentions of leaving you alone.

[One Piece punk band AU/ modern AU]

Cut out for the job

The door slams closed. You kick your sneakers away, enjoying the silence of your hotel room.

You haven't been able to catch your breath all day: Mr. Trafalgar called at 6 am because Ace was held at the police station; third time this month. Then it was Barto's turn. He needed your opinion on a nice gift for his nana, but kept arguing that your ideas were stupid. Franky gave you a migraine, shouting left and right during the band's weekly meeting and Buggy…oh, Buggy. He was insufferable these days: snappy, needy, tense, constantly asking you to fetch him stuff, to take him places.

You’re starting to feel like you’re never enough, drowning in this chaotic routine.

You can almost hear your mother's voice in your head: “Are you really throwing your life away to follow a band of idiots?!” Well, in your defense, being a band’s personal assistant was supposed to be fun. But now? Here you are, tired, sad and underpaid, living in yet another horrible hotel room. Maybe you're not cut out for this job.

Your phone glows up, a text from Buggy. “It's 11 pm for fuck's sake!” you shout, throwing the buzzing device on the sofa.

Buggy has been doing it for weeks: every night he sends you tons of messages for the most trivial stuff. He’s lost his mascara, bought ten pairs of shoes, whines about his paycheck. A bratty, pushy attitude he’s never had before.

In fact, the two of you used to have the most interesting conversations and a special chemistry that made you feel some type of way more than once. Like that night, backstage. The glances, the gentle touching while you helped him getting dressed…you can still feel the goosebumps on your skin.

You pick up your phone, puffing at the crowd of notifications.

[Hey, you still up? Listen, face paint is running out, I’m thinking cherry 3.2 this time but I’m not sure if 1 or 2 cans.

Heyyyy are you ignoring me?? 👺😭 You sleeping already?]

[Oi Bug, can we discuss this tomorrow? It's way past my working hours.]

[...ok.]

[Rough day, I really need to unwind 🥲]

[ Wanna hang out? A little fun will make you feel better.]

[ Thanks but I’m done with work, see you tomorrow!]

[seen 00:15 AM]

[Buggy? You ok?]

[seen 00:50 AM]

“Shit. He's upset now.” You whisper, your eyes and mouth wide open “What if he gets me fired?”

You feel low-key furious: you shouldn't be punished for setting boundaries. If he’s playing the cocky boss during the day, you can play that game too and clock out at night. Screw him.

The sudden sound of the doorbell makes you jump out of your skin. “Hey it's me.” A familiar voice comes from outside the door, muffled.

Stomping to the peephole, you see Buggy. He’s nervously thinkering with his blue hair, pacing back and forth in the duck hoodie you got him for his birthday.

“Are you serious?” You ask, opening up.

“I know, I’m sorry. Just five minutes and I'll be gone.”

Buggy's not wearing his piercings and face paint; he looks serious, a bit scared. His ice blue eyes stare at you in silence and all your anger seems to melt away as he sits on the sofa.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Am I fired…?”

“What? No!” He shrieks, outraged. “Just sit, please.”

The second you're next to him, Buggy focuses on his boots, hands twitching on his knees.

“I-I know I've been a bit of an asshole lately.” He stutters. “I drove you crazy asking tons of stuff and…”

“You’re being a pain in the ass. Yes.”

“I’m sorry. I was just trying to spend more time with you but I messed up.” Buggy side-eyes you, his face red and flustered.

“I think I like you. A lot.”

Those words make your heart race so fast you can barely breathe.

He continues: “I tried to write to you, but every time… I couldn't say it the way I wanted.”

“Is that why you kept texting me for hours every night?!” you snap, breaking your silence.

Buggy jumps back in his seat “I didn't realize I was bothering you! I've always enjoyed our silly chats. But I'll stop, I got it now. We're just colleagues.”

You burst out laughing. Buggy leans towards you, shouting things you can't hear over the joy exploding in your chest.

He's about to get up, distraught, when you reach for his neck and pull him towards you, pressing your lips on his. Still a bit surprised, Buggy melts into your kiss, holding you so tight it almost hurts.

“For a second I thought I didn't want this job anymore.” You chuckle in between kisses.

“I’ll ask Trafalgar to give you a raise, then.”

“He's gonna fire us both when he knows about this.”

You dive your back into the sofa, pressed under Buggy’s weight. As he kisses and laughs into your neck, you remember why you decided to follow this band of idiots in the first place: there’s no other place in the world where you’ve felt more alive.

[intertexts]

anyway nhw dynamic essay i am NOT going to fucking. type out all of this at once. it is 1am. but. yayyyayayay!!

>starting out w/ ashe & virion because i have been having Thoughts on them........... b4 the trickster they are already good friends-- it's a little awkward at first bc oh shit virion is really cool and kind of scary, i dunno if he likes me, i think he and william are a thing and i've been spending a lot of time with william lately. but that doesn't last long, maybe until the first time they're in some minor scuffle and imprint takes a hit for him. & ashe goes ohhh fuck. maybe he doesn't hate me? & then it turns out that virion is-- well, yeah, he is kind of quiet and intimidating (the horrors! the goofiness was closer to the surface before his family. well.) and hard to make laugh, but they're kind of similar. the quietness is frequently masking awkwardness or not knowing what to do or say in some situation, and they're both so clueless as to normal person stuff (wibby and dakota make some reference to public school shit & virion & ashe make 'do you believe this shit?' eye contact over their heads.) & they're both massive nerds. after all of the horrors, everything virion liked playing was covered in The Ooze, and also he was. living with a gun in his hand and sleeping for no more than two hours max at once with his eyes open and Killing People and doing dirty work for a year or so. grew up pretty fucking fast. didn't have much time for jrpgs anymore. anyway i think he eventually sees ashe on their couch playing pokemon or smth on his switch n just gravitates over. sits on the couch back and watches the animal crossing island ashe is running like the fucking navy or whatever. it becomes a thing. ashe gets him really into shin megami tensei (<- this one is just for me i just thing he'd like smt. relevant 2 mac's thoughts on ashe & horror etc!). they're the ones reluctantly tagging along with dakota & wibby's ridiculous shit & talking super quietly with their heads kinda close together. they'd be really good roommates.

after ashe returns from the trickster-- ok getting sidetracked thinking abt this LMAO. but. i think being muse for so long fucks ashe UP. it takes... a long time. the strain of being forced in his breaker form for as long as he was had consequences!! he did not come out of that as abled as he went in! & also the trickster turning his mind into soup for a year or so fucked with his head severely. get lobotomized idiot. and also. well. the everything else. anyway, i think for the first while when he comes back he dissociates a lot. loses significant amounts of time frequently. has derealization issues. has delusions related to the "hey that guy controlled my body for a year and change and before that he stalked me for god knows how long and always knew exactly where i was and i kept running into him" thing. panics frequently and messily. gets migraines. gets bad & debilitating flashbacks. is back to having 10 billion hangups about his powers. anyway anyway anyway virion.. understands, a lot of this. in a way that wibby & dakota don't. not that they haven't seen awful shit and had awful shit done to them!! but virion is the one who watched his entire family slaughtered in front of him. he's the one who's killed people. he knows what it's like to be okay and maybe happy and one day something fucking breaks, and you'll just. never be the same again. never get that back again, never be who u were before. (dakota was like, 7/8 when he triggered. virion was 15/16.) and he understands the grief & the paranoia & the brain static & the losing time & the fear. so virion gets it. ashe knows that virion is very very scary and very very alert and virion took a crowbar or something for him after knowing him for a couple weeks. so if, like, there's anyone to feel safe around... it's him. ashe's fine motor control is not so good for a while and he's terrified of using his telekinesis, so now it's virion playing animal crossing and ashe watching. he has a fucking awful island it's dogshit it's so funny. virion's good to fall asleep on. they hold hands if they have to go out somewhere. etc. shoutout 2 virion sol & all the emos he keeps picking up & wanting to kill people for. gayass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dabihawksluvr]

[ I Need Help ] - Questions/Updates

I am having to answer a lot of the same questions, so I am making this post to allow myself breathing room (plus I've posted about this on at least three forums and I just wanna keep it nice and tidy for my scatterbrained mind).

If you clicked on the link for this, thank you <3

It really helps me out a lot, if I have any donations set up they'll be right here. Not requiring anyone to give me money, but it'll be greatly appreciated.

(( UPDATE: My Paypal is - paypal.com/ViceSenpaii ))

Here is the gist of the situation: I have 6 months to find a job, or my brother will kick me out. But I am disabled, and my shit-hole of a town only has the 'hard labor' kind of work. So I have been looking for online jobs that I can do, but they are all low acceptance or a scam. So I've been scrambling to find something, I have had others give me advice and one kind soul did give me a job referral. But it's been a week, and I haven't had anything pop up.

(( All the questions and their answers will be under the 'continue reading' tab, just to keep this post from being too big. ))

#1: Have you tried disability/benefits?

I have, numerous times. I have been trying for it since I was 16, and every 2-3 years I try re-applying. But so far, I have been denied disability every single time. Though I did have benefits for a long while (co-joined with my mom until her passing), that ran out too and they always tried just forcing me into a job only to see I wasn't able to keep up with everything they wanted me to. Now, I am told my brother makes 'too much' from his job for me to apply for disability anyways. And my state is supposed to be one of the 'easier' ones to get disability in too.

#2: What are your disabilities?

It is mostly mental disabilities, but ever since 2020 I have had a few physical disabilities because I got Covid and almost died from it.

I have been currently diagnosed with - ADHD, BPD, Severe Depression, Severe Anxiety, PTSD, Type 2 Diabetes, and CHF (Congestive Heart Failure).

#3: Have you spoken to a doctor/therapist about any of this?

I have, several times. And I know my records are out there, but currently I do not have any copies as they were accidentally thrown away almost two years ago (2022). I was told by my doctor I very well may need a caretaker due to my disabilities, and they got my paperwork seen in a month rather than 6-12. But, even their words and support did not change anything for my case. And my case worker did not follow through with the caretaker, because I had been waiting to get on disability and I 'took too long' to get back to them so they shut my case immediately. And I don't see a therapist anymore, due to personal traumas and all that.

#4: Have you sought out any 'help' for your disabilities?

I have tried, but no luck there either. My disabilities are mostly mental, and for my specific issues there's basically nothing else besides therapy. I live in the US, and getting disability help is basically such a struggle that most die before they ever get anything at all. And it's why I've basically given up trying, it's why I fear the six month deadline I've been given to find a job because I cannot work with my disabilities.

#5: Why is your brother kicking you out if you are disabled?

In his words, he basically does not want to 'waste more energy' on me than he already does. He is autistic, and he works a factory night shift so when he's home he is either sleeping or playing video games. And on the weekends, he spends that time with his partner. I understand he does pay for my basic necessities (like food and medical equipment), and I do appreciate him for that. But, his partner and work buddies are all saying I am 'manipulating' him rather than 'being an adult' and finding my own job. And the stress of bills/rent has basically forced him into this choice of possibly kicking me out, even though he doesn't want to. And I know that if I fight him on this, he'll being up some pretty triggering topics for me and I want to avoid being kicked out immediately.

#6: What jobs are you looking for?

Solely any that I can do online, preferably none that deal with human interaction and I can just do from my computer. I have so far applied to two AI Writing jobs, but I won't know if I get denied because they don't send emails for it.

#7: Have you thought about those 'assisted living' type places?

My area only has ONE of those, and I doubt they'd accept me there anyways. So either way, this is not an option for me.

[uh-velkommen]

The Conclusion. Life in Sweden:

I don't have some long drawn out post, I'm just over it. I'm exhausted from trying to make friends. Every interaction feels pointless because you know you'll never see or hear from that person ever again. There's no meaningful connections being made. I've hardly attended any events because they all cost money and it's really annoying going to them alone and having absolutely no one talk to you. Like GUYS, I am a really outgoing person. I can talk to anyone about anything and the fact that I've been doing that for 8 months and still have absolutely zero confidants, I'm not even looking for best friends I just want one person where I could say, "hey lets grab a coffee together after class" and I can't even get THAT. And it's not a Swedish thing because I've adjusted to that. I get the reclusive society, I enjoy it for the most part. It's the fact that these people -the type of people who are able to be international students/travelers, and can do it comfortable- they are not MY people. My people are stoners and media nerds. I'M TIRED. I've been spending every day since getting here, every day that I'm not in class, alone in my room SO BORED. Like this type of boredom feels the same as when I was in the Psych ward. I wake up, I stare at a wall in silence for hours, I go to sleep. I'm genuinely losing my shit over here. I can NOT wait to leave. I bought the plane ticket and I dropped out of my classes.

I'm not sure if it's because this is a small town or a college town but there is absolutely nothing to do, no way to enjoy yourself ALONE, without spending money. I can't even just go for a walk because I've seen these sights a million times before already. I'm like a rat in a cage, I NEED daily enrichment in the form of new sights and experiences. I've noticed that when I lived in the city I was okay being alone a lot because when I wanted to I could visit a new corner, a museum, a club. I could socialize when I needed to. But here there is NOTHING, so I need people. But even when I go to pub events, everyone is there with their friends GOD I HATE PRE-ESTABLISHED FRIEND GROUPS.

I find it funny that people on Tik Tok have been talking about this "friend drought" that Gen Z has been dealing with. I don't get how every one is talking about how much they want friends but at the same time they are doing nothing to keep friendships going. I have no problem staying in contact with people I meet, suggesting hangouts and such. But I'm ALWAYS met with silence. It must be some self sabotage epidemic because I KNOW how to make friends, I've been playing the same game all my life. That's what makes this now so much more frustrating. I transferred schools A LOT growing up. I learned how to get people to like me, it's so easy at times but in the end it was always me wiggling into pre-established friend groups. I never had a person that was just mine. You'd think at times when we're all thrusted into new situations and we're all friendless that it'd be this big pool of potential connections. The first week of college you meet so many people but then nothing more comes of it. There is no reason I should be 8 months in and STILL asking people, "what do you study, how long have you been in Sweden, etc." We all know we hate those questions.

And finally, the worst worst WORST part is that when you talk to teachers or counselors about feeling miserable, the FIRST thing they ask you is, How are you with friends? and suddenly I feel like it's MY fault that I'm alone. Like I haven't been trying???? I've tried EVERYTHING. Really, think of a possible solution, I guarantee you that I've tried it. I swear I'm not just some unlikeable annoying prick, it's NOT my fault. And besides, all my problems won't magically be fixed if I just "find a friend." Let's talk about the lack of programs and clubs that offer a space for friends to hang out or THINGS TO DO (that are free!!!!). I'm never gonna meet anyone if I stay in my room but I can't be bothered to leave my room when I know nothing will come of it. I just can't do it anymore, I officially hate it here.

[takoichigo]

I woke up at 8:30 PM today.

I didn't really sleep last night, caught a couple of hours between like 10 and noon, but I had to get up at noon and gather my laundry because a friend's mom volunteered to do it for me. I haven't really been able to do it myself in about a month.

I took a shower today too. I didn't get one before my appointment Monday because I overslept and I haven't otherwise left the house since last Thursday, which I think was the last time I showered. Don't get it twisted, I sit in the tub multiple times a day to relieve my pain that still isn't under control, but my hair...

...I have been losing it. A lot of it. Not all of it, and it doesn't hurt like I've heard it can with chemo. But colon cancer chemo isn't supposed to make all your hair fall out, it'll just "thin". It was already thin to begin with. I haven't looked in the mirror in a week, I'm kind of afraid I have bald spots. It's also much too long so I always just have it piled in a bun on my head (also to keep it out of the water when I'm in the tub).

I went off topic. Anyway. Showered. My laundry was picked up. Laid down and tried to watch some Red Dwarf. Made it through a couple episodes before I conked out. Slept from about 2:30 to 8:30. Woke up at 4, took my medicine, immediately fell back asleep. My bed has no sheets on it, I had to send the ones that were on it to be washed because my AC went out a few weeks ago and I've just sweated so much into them that they were stiff.

I'm not sure if I just was comfy because I'd showered and felt clean, or that I was not lying on a stiff sheet that smelled like B.O., or that only my daytime meds do enough for the pain that I can actually sleep, but I was out cold.

I guess I'm just nocturnal now. I hate this, I take meds at 11:00 PM to *help me sleep* and they fucking don't do anything in the face of the pain I'm in. I'm in the tub right now because the pain flared up and I couldn't lie there.

But I sent all my sheets and towels to be washed...which means I'm air drying when I get out I guess before I try to go back to bed. With no sheets on it. Not that I'm going to sleep. I'll sleep tomorrow during the day and be woken up by phone calls and texts and shit. Because y'know. Normal people hours. My laundry will be here in a few hours, she said she'd drop it off in the morning for me. I'm hoping I'm not asleep when she comes.

I can't do anything anymore. Especially at night, when the pain is the worst. So being nocturnal does nothing for me. Just being up out of bed is really tiring really fast.

But things are getting better I guess. The tumor has shrunk. The levels of the cancer indicator in my blood have gone way down (though they're still too high for a normal person). Blood count is too low, still, it's worse than it was before but I guess still not bad enough for a transfusion. No wonder I've been nearly passing out when I stand up.

I don't know what normal is anymore. I don't go out and do anything, I just...lie in bed. My car is still broken. I couldn't drive if I wanted to anyway... I'm way too weak and shaky, and sitting is almost always painful. Road bumps are god-awful. I've been playing Stardew Valley again because it feels like I'm accomplishing something. I've hit walls I don't want to deal with in almost every other game I have. Which sucks, but...why do I need to stress myself out over it?

My friends are really busy. I haven't seen much of them lately, and the one just always seems like I'm stressing him out when I do see him. The other one just got a new job and blanks out and freezes when I'm upset around him, which happens pretty often, because it's super easy to upset me. Usually just the pain will do it, but also, everything I'm going through is either terrifying or frustrating. I upset another friend the last time they visited, because they hadn't seen me so weak. Everyone keeps saying they're sorry I'm going through this. I hate hearing it. I don't want my friends to be sad or upset around me. I don't want to cause them to be stressed out. It's already so hard to ask for help as it is.

I don't really know why I'm writing this post. Honestly it just feels like I haven't talked to anyone in so long that's had enough time to listen. And probably no one will see this. Which is kind of okay. I feel like I'm just whining anyway.

[hyunsuks-beanie]

Touch You Good

Pairing: Hyunjin x afab! reader

Genre: Smut

Content Warnings: Smut; Mentions of cheating; cunnilingus; face-riding; unprotected sex; choking; cum-eating

Part of: Mellow's You've Got A Letter Event 

Mellow speaks: Here's for my 🐱anon!! I really enjoyed writing it, so I hope you guys enjoy reading it too!! Here's the BGM, in case anyone needs it xoxo.

Tagging: @axartia @ivyvesisi @sweethyuka @yedammi @yunhorights @enhacolor

Hey doll,

Been a while since I've seen you, and I gotta admit, it has been rather annoying. 

Ever since I tasted you that night, I haven't been able to get that damn taste out of my mouth, and the image of you all naked under me out of my head.

And now that I hear you're free from that dickhead's clutches, I don't see what's stopping you from coming over and having some fun with the one who can truly make you feel good. 

Geez, this sounds as if I'm trying to convince you to get over your bitch of a breakup and choose me instead, but that's not actually what I'm tryna do. I'm not keen on being noble or any of that shit. Not at all. All I'm keen on, is seeing you naked and having you moaning. 

I want to hear those moans again, and this time, I want them to be because I'm thrusting into you after I'm done eating you out and milking you, again and again and again. I want my couch to be covered in your juice, sweeter than sugar and more addicting than alcohol. I want you to cry again, but this time, I want your tears to stem from the pleasure hitting you like a wave, making you forget all about that loser.

I want you to rock your hips against my face, and I want you to squirm and scream as my tongue slits across your folds. I want to choke you, and I want you to spread your legs for me like the little angel you are. 

And I know you want this too, just like you did that night, knocking on my door wearing nothing but your sleep clothes, that tiny bra making your breasts pop. You knew that day that what you were doing wasn't wrong, you knew you weren't cheating on him because he had already beaten you to it. You were so confident in that moment, guiding my hands and being a slut, all on your own. 

So what's stopping you now? You know you're much better off without him, and you know I can treat you so much better than he ever did. That's the question though. Did he ever make you feel good? Was he even capable of, with that little dick of his? I'm sure not, and that's why you chose me, didn't you? Then doll, choose me again, because I know you're in need of someone touching you. Touching you good and touching you dirty. 

Let's play undress in my house. Let me take your clothes off and see that cute pussy. Let me make kiss it pretty and ruin it completely and, and and let me release my seed inside you while you hold my butt tight. 

Let me make you mine, let me give you the best sex you've ever had. 

You know where I'm waiting,

Hyunjin 

[jademakean]

𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐲 𝐍𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭

Timothée Chalamet x Reader

𝑷𝒂𝒖𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒆 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒍𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔.

｡･:*:･ﾟ

  Drizzles of water began coating your body as you rushed to your best friend's porch, hurriedly knocking on the wooden door.

The extra holiday break from school allowed you to spend more time with Pauline, meaning: chaotic sleepovers

“Hello?”

You looked up meeting a pair of green eyes you hadn't seen in a long while. “Timothée?”

Once the slender figure came to the realization of who was waiting at his front step, his mouth went agape mirroring yours.

You both had been close since you were little. You became friends with Pauline in middle school and met Timothée through her. From then on you were a trio and would do everything together, but that all changed.

Him, being three years older than you meant that he'd go to college first and in the end, there would simply not be any time for you both to be together. You did try to hang out once every two weeks but his college was way too far and he needed to spend his time focussing on his studies. It ended in a bad note, with many hurtful words shared.

Before you knew it, Timothée had you in bone-crushing embrace  “I haven't seen you in months, more than a year maybe! God, I missed you.”

“Why didn't you tell me you came back?” you couldn't hide the slight disappointment of him not thinking about letting you know. “I wanted to but I switched phone numbers and my sister wanted me to surprise you instead. I just didn't know I was going to see you this soon.”

Though you both shared your relief in seeing each, there was some strange tension in the air.

“I gotta visit my aunt right now but we should celebrate tomorrow or something.” He suggested, breaking the silence.

“Yeah totally. I'm sleeping over anyways so we'll probably see each other after dinner. Just be careful, the weather seems to be getting worse.”

“Oh yeah of course. If you need some clothes you can get some from my room, they're in a box on my bed. I know that Pauline's clothes are too small for any human being to wear.”

You giggled at his over-exaggeration nodding “Thanks. Stay safe.”

Once the door shut you felt your mood change. It's not like you weren't happy to see him, you were, but not being able to have the same connection you once had made your heartache.

“DJ Paulina in the house mother fuckers!”

You jumped at your best friend's sudden outburst but laughed nevertheless.

“Holy shit, you're wetter than the pacific ocean!”

You roller your eyes “Really? Damn, I wonder why. It's alright though, Timothée allowed me to borrow one of his shirts.”

“Wait you already saw Timothée?”

“Yeah, he just left.”

Paulina grimaced slightly knowing how hard it might've been for two introverts to reunite after a long period of time, let alone after they had a fight last time they were together. She quickly changed the subject not wanting to upset you.

That didn't mean she wouldn't plan on rebuilding your bond.

۵

The snaps of thunder kept you awake and the heavy drops of rain overtook your mind.

As the time pasted you began wondering what would happen if there was a monster under your bed, if a ghost yanked you by your leg, or if the shadow of the hanging coat was actually a person.

Full-on scaring yourself.

And Pauline's sleep talking was not helping the situation.

Both of you spent the day baking, eating and watching movies. Though it's not how most teenagers take up the opportunity of an empty house, it was more than enough for you two.

What was irritating you at this precise moment was the fact that you were exhausted during the day and still are, except you, can't bring yourself to actually fall asleep.

Creaking sounds were heard throughout the room as your feet made contact with the wooden floor.

You grumbled making your way to the kitchen for a cup of fresh cold water.

The bright electronic clock on the stove displayed the time. 2:23 A.M.

You were so dazed and distracted by the clock that before you could fill your glass with water, the cup fell on the counter.

You felt your heart stop the second the loud sound emitted throughout the quiet space, fearing you'd break your best friend's parent's glass. But once you realized that everything was still stable, you proceeded to finish your plan.

“What are you doing still awake?”

Your body jumped at those words. You turned to see Timothée with hooded eyes and slumped figure, clearly more than half asleep.

“Sorry, I'm a light sleeper and the thunder was keeping me awake.”

“Do you want to sleep with me?”

He smiled softly with a droopy gaze

Not gonna lie, initially some inappropriate thoughts crossed your mind, but vanished once you remembered how every time you had trouble falling asleep, you'd get in his bed and he'd make conversation until you fell asleep.

“Sure.”

Timothée was probably too out of it to understand why it had taken you so look to answer, which you were grateful for.

He lazily intertwined your fingers and led you to his room.

It looked the same as before, maybe some items we're missing so he'd be able to decorate his new apartment, but other than that, still the same.

You hesitantly laid down turning your body away from the curly-headed boy. You felt yourself heating up as last time you shared a bed you were a quite innocent 15-year-old, and to be fair you've always seen him as a bother figure.

But two years have passed and he was now 20, it felt like being with a stranger even though he wasn't.

“You alright?”

He mumbled quietly

“Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.” You chewed your lip anxiously. You've never been good at confronting people.

“Is there a reason why you got mad at me when you left. All I remember was you telling me how we couldn't be friends because of all the work you had and how you couldn't handle too many things at the same time. But in the end, you suddenly got mad at me and it ended in a huge fight.”

You could tell that Timothée was now fully awake, definitely not expecting you to mention the topic at this time of night.

“Well, in all honestly I knew you wouldn't want to give up on our friendship. I've always seen you as a loyal strong friend and I didn't want to disappoint you by continuously bailing out on our plans.”

Thought his solution was a stupid one, you understood what he meant. You would most definitely get let down many times and eventually get mad at him, even if it wasn't fully his fault.

“I understand. Just-- Just don't do that again. I'd rather have a relationship with you even if we rarely saw each other, instead of not seeing you at all. I miss being with you.”

Timothée's heavy arm hugged you closer to him. So close you could feel his gentle heartbeat against your back.

“I'm not as much of a mess I was back in the first year of college. I have more spare time, even if college is too far we can face time and meet once a month.”

It was nice to witness his change in attitude regarding the situation, he's now more open-minded and optimistic.

“Is that why you seemed so tense when you saw me today?”

You suddenly felt yourself redden from slight embarrassment “I mean yeah. I kinda overreact a lot, but you know that. I didn't even recognize you, you've changed and I didn't know how to feel.”

You felt chest shake from a deep chuckle as you played with his fingers “Is that a good thing?”

He was making you flustered and he knew it.

“I mean, yeah. You look mature for a 20-year-old. When you were 18 you still had your baby face- it's not a bad thing at all, but now you, um, okay I'm just going to stop talking.”

Once again, Timothée's body shook slightly from his laughter which eventually died down.

There was silence once again, the downpour was hitting the window aggressively but managed to make you feel calm. The heat that radiated from the man's body was wrapping you in a warm blanket, his cold breath tickling your neck.

“How do you see me?

The silence was halted by your simple question “What do you mean?” his raspy voice asked, not understanding the question very well.

“Before you said that you saw me as a loyal friend. How do you see me now?”

Timothée turned your body to face him “Well, you've changed as well. You don't look like a little kid anymore.”

You hummed in response staring into his eyes. The moonlight was shining through the window behind Timothée, illuminating his hair, making it look as though he was wearing a halo around his head.

“Has anything interesting happened while I was gone? House renovations, dead grandma, boyfriends..?”

You had to cover your mouth from bursting out laughing “How the hell do you go from dead grandma to boyfriends?”

The boy shrugged his shoulders waiting for an answer “I had a boyfriend for a little while but it didn't work out.”

Timothée nodded for you to keep going

“He treated me differently when we were around his friends, kinda like he didn't want me. We would get into a lot of arguments and I just wasn't happy. So I ended it.”

He took your hand caressing it carefully with his thumb. You knew he was trying to make you feel better though you weren't actually sad about the breakup. You decided not to say anything against it since his action-filled your heart with butterflies.

“He's an asshole for doing that.”

“Yeah well, most of them are.”

There was a small pause in the air before Timothée spoke up again

“I wouldn't do that to you.”

You were taken aback from his sudden confession. You expected him to joke around about some dumb stereotypes.

“If you were my boyfriend, or just in general?” you asked genuinely curious to which he answered:

“Both.”

You being the anxious human being you are, decided to play it off as a joke. Like always.

“Yeah right, you would never date me, you might as well be one of those extra frat boys that-”

“Why would you assume I wouldn't date you.”

You were becoming more and more agitated, not fully grasping the meaning of his words, and why he was now saying it.

“I've always adored you. The reason why I never said anything is because I'm three years older than you and didn't want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Why are you saying this now?” You shuttered out as he moved closer to your body.

“I didn't realize how much I loved you until we separated. Now I'm realizing how much time I wasted.”

Timothée began breathing heavily, his eyes focusing on the different features your face held.

“Would you date me now?”

He nodded, not trusting his voice to speak. “Even if we wouldn't see each other often?”

He nodded once again, this time speaking “I haven't seen you in two years and I still have feelings for you, they won't go away even if I tried.”

Timothée let his fingers gently brush against your lips studying them thoroughly making your mind hazy.

You were so focussed on each other that the background noise was now muffled.

Your mouths were agape wanting one thing and one thing only.

“Can I kiss you?”

He whispered breathlessly. If he wasn't studying you so closely he would have missed your little nod.

But he didn't miss it.

The second the small gesture was caught, was the second his lips made contact with yours.

The kiss was heated and desperate, your eyebrows furrowed hopelessly from the connection. Tongues soon intertwining as Timothée held himself on top of you for better control of the situation. Not giving you room to escape.

You sighed through your nose not being able to break from the kiss, not wanting to break from the kiss.

His front pressed flush against yours, allowing his hands to travel all over your body with no hesitation.

You mumbled Timothée's name against his lips before you broke apart. “Did I go too far?”

You smiled at his worried state “No, I loved every second of it.”

He copied your smile resting his forehead on yours “Sorry, I could help myself.”

He laid on his back before you cuddled to his side, leg wrapped with his and head resting on his shoulder.

Timothée observed your crimson cheeks and swollen lips. He wanted to tease you about it but he knew damn well that he looked the exact same.

Sleep eventually took over you. The soothing sound of the storm was the last thing you heard, and the motion of Timothée's chest calmly rising and falling was the last thing you felt.

[so680]

the way joana looks at cris

so here's a post with me analysing my favourite looks that joana gave cris because I currently go through missing them hours and I'm not even gonna mention how many times I've rewatched 2nd season already cause that would be pretty embarrassing, so let's so lesbians

1. the first meeting look

this is just a classic and no one can deny that. this smooth bitch looks both captivated and intrigued and you can literally see her screaming in her head "I can't believe this is happening!!!! she is actually talking to me!!!". I'm 100% positive that at that moment cris was thanking god that they were sitting cause the way joana was staring at her made her go weak at the knees FOR SURE.

2. the "I'm gonna play smooth again and trick my crush into doing a project with me cause she is so fine and I'm so into her" look

so joana is being obvious as fuck again. you can see how interested in each other they both are but when cris is more like "what the fuck is happening to me ahsjdkkf", joana is like "she's so cute, I can't believe we'll be doing a project together".

3. the unofficial first date look

come on, you can see how gone joana is for cris already. this little bitch really just said "I'm so into her and that's why I'm gonna tease her about famous painters while staring deeply into her soul".

4. the eye (and not only) fucking look

being excited about spending the whole weekend with your girlfriend alone? beings absolutely mesmerised by the way she smiles at you? not being able to stop staring at her lips? feeling that heavy tension that you unconsciously have to narrow your eyes a bit? joana gave us the perfect portrayal of what being turned on looks like.

5. the vulnerable look

this look just screams "please don't run away!!!". my poor baby was probably thinking that she still had to tell cris about her bpd but she was so scared of cris' reaction and she didn't want to ruin the moment so instead she just looked at her with such vulnerability and fragility that it fucking breaks my heart every time.

6. the "wow dude, I'm so in love" look part 1

once again, this is just a classic. it literally screams "I'M SO IN LOVE WITH YOU!!!". I've always considered joana to be one of those people who seem very tough and maybe slightly bit cynical because of their "I don't care attitude" on the outside but they would do absolutely anything for people they love and I think that's exactly the case here. joana looks at cris with such softness that it'll never stop to amaze me.

7. the "wow dude, I'm so in love" look part 2

okay, so personally I think this is exactly the moment joana really realised she's madly in love with her dorky girlfriend. she was gently caressing cris' hair, looking at her with the most affectionate expression, probably thinking to herself "wow this is really happening". and while both, the previous look and this one just scream "IN LOVE", I think here she's more self aware and conscious of her feelings towards cris.

8. I don't even know how to name this look but it's fucking priceless

so I'm not gonna focus here on the not so subtle eye fucking, literally in the middle of the school canteen (yes bitches, no one is gonna suspect a thing if you keep looking at each other like that, good job!) but more on how tender joana gets when cris tells her she's not gonna run away. like you can actually see her facial expressions softening and her posture getting more relaxed. I know that maybe at that point she still wasn't 100% convinced that cris was gonna stay no matter what (cause we still have to go through the b*eaking up clip) but at least she can see that cris is not scared and finally knows what to say.

9. the vulnerable but in a good way look

so I think this is really my favourite look and I literally watch this clip every night before going to sleep cause that shit is therapeutic and I swear nothing heals my heart as well as seeing joana finally accepting that she has someone who loves her, despite her bpd and deeply cares about her no matter what. the relief she must have been feeling when cris kissed her forehead and she did that little sigh (please, open youtube and watch minuto a minuto clip, especially the part 5:18-5:25) ugh have you seen something more touching and more beautiful??

okay that's it, I love the fact that I had at least 3 breakdowns writing it but I'm just very emo for them and I still haven't accepted the fact that we have to wait till 2020 to see them again.

I also wanted to ask how those actors manage to look at each other with such intensity and not fall in love but oh well..

[dearchuchu]

Long version.

I'm going to assume anyone who wants the long version is going to read the short version. So I'll skip what was covered there and go into the details.

I had mini bottles, but I drank them all by dinner time with the idea I would just pick up some more for the long flight in San Fransisco. The closest liquor store was about a mile and a half away from our hotel out by the airport, and Mandy, who didn't know my plan didn't like my plan. She also didn't like that I drank my mini bottles that were for the big flight. I always planned on this, but neglected to tell her.

An Uber to the liquor store was 7 dollars one way. Man San Fransisco is expensive. I told Mandy, who was not happy with the idea of spending 14 dollars to go buy mini bottles that I already had (and drank), to go spend MORE money on MORE mini bottles. I, however disagreed.

I decided, it's only a mile and a half, I'll walk. 50 minutes or so, no big deal. Mandy wasn't keen on that idea, but it was much cheaper than Uber. Then I remembered, "Wait, didn't bird start here?" Yes the scooter company bird is in San Fransisco. I said, "I'll just scoot up there!" Alas, no bird scooters out by the airport hotels. Then I remembered I have lime on my phone too! So I loaded up the lime app, and sure enough, there was a lime scooter on my way!

I located the lime, and it's a bike. I think, "that's fine, biking will still cut off at least half the time!" I unlock it, and the lights don't work. It's night time now, so it's dark. I thought, "Wow, this isn't very safe. You'd think lime would have lights on their bikes." I ride up to the liquor store, which ended up being in a nice section of suburban San Francisco. Once in the well lit area I noticed the bike said "ebike" on it, and I saw the motor for pedal assist. It turns out the lime I got was a lemon. It did have lights, the bike was just broken.

I get my WAY overpriced mini bottles, and then look for another bike, this one, hopefully not broken. I find one quickly, and it works great, lights and everything. Let me just say this, pedal assist bikes are super fun! I flew on the way back to the hotel! If you get a chance, ride one, the motor does all the work for you! I even made Mandy try it when I got back to the hotel. She had to admit, even as someone that doesn't enjoy riding bikes, it was pretty cool.

We both get a crappy night sleep, then eat a pretty good hotel breakfast, then off to the airport. Customs was stressful, as it always is, but the agents were in good spirits, because the TSA in San Fransisco is ran by a private company, so they are still getting paid despite the government shutdown. We find our gate, and get the last few things that we need to do online done before leaving the country for a while. Mandy doing work, me looking at cat memes.

Finally we board our plane, we're all set to go, and we sit. Then we sit. We sit some more, then we sit. Then Mandy points out it's been an hour and we haven't moved. No word from the captain, no word from the crew. Just an hour straight of sitting in a tarmac. The guy next to us, which was clearly flying internationally for the first time asked a passing stewardess, "Hey, what's going on? When are we taking off?" And she said "10 minute." Which is obviously bullshit.

We have a friend who works for Delta, and since we're still on the ground in America, we could still contact her, so we gave her the old "What's going on?" text. She looked into it, bad wind off the coast, Delta flights are delayed by 45 minutes. We watched several planes from several other providers take off, or taxi right behind us. We just sat. It was an hour and fifty minutes before we started moving. The FAA says that after 2 hours they have to provide you with a meal. They got in JUST under the buzzer.

I have no idea why we sat there. There was no work being done, no repairs. Delta got all their flights out in 45 minutes. There we sat. The captain never said a word. The staff said nothing. The only reason we knew anything is we have a friend in the industry. We flew China Eastern, for the record. This was strike one.

We get up in the air, and about two hours later they served our meal, 4 hours after getting on the plane. I could tell the service was going to suck, so I asked for a glass of wine, and a beer, and the flight attendant looked like I just kicked his dog. TWO drinks at the same time? Impossible. He did it, but you could tell it bothered him. I'm personally super glad I did.

The food comes after the drinks and the same guy starts handing us food, and we are like, "Woah buddy, what are the options?" This is when it becomes clear none of the staff speaks English. I mean enough for one to two words here or there, but clearly no real grasp of English. Strike two. He responds "Pork fried rice." Now if any of you are unaware, I haven't been eating pork. It's actually been well over a year, almost two now. I've made one or two exceptions, but those were always my decision.

Mandy says, "What about chicken?" He says "No. Pork fried rice." Luckily for me, I already decided I was going to eat pork on this trip, because the Philippines LOVE pork. In fact, in the first hour of being here we already saw a whole pig roasting on a pit in someone's back yard. What's important here is that I had already decided I could eat pork. I didn't want to on the plane, but with a 12 hour flight (14 with the delay), I had no options. Literally. Now the vegetarian behind me... He had quite a bit less options. I think he just didn't eat. Strike three.

It's important to note when we asked for our wine, he used the small cup, and poured a half pour. He also just had a sour expression on his face when he delt with us. I say "he" because we only delt with one guy for the whole flight. He then turned to the Chinese people across the row from us chatted them up enthusiastically, got out a big cup, and filled it up with wine. To the top. Mandy and I looked at each other like, "Are you seeing this shit?" First overt sign of racism, and that's a strike four.

After lunch, they got our trash, and no staff was to be seen or heard of again for four hours. No water. No snacks. Nothing. So in the 8 hours we were on the plane so far we got one shitty meal (did I mention it was horrible?) One glass of wine each, and one can of beer. At the 8 hour mark they came around with water, and we got yet again, the small glass, and a half pour... Of water. The Chinese people got full pours in big glasses. Strike five.

Two hours after our water (which after that first water, they came by on the hour with water) they brought out no doubt the shittiest sandwich I've ever seen in my life. I'm not exaggerating. This sandwich was, a half a piece of bread, with a meat we couldn't identify, no sauce, another half price of bread, then a wilted piece of lettuce the size of a half dollar, that I would have definitely thrown away in my kitchen, no sauce, then another half piece of bread. We were pretty sure this was going to be our last meal on the plane, and we debated eating it or not... But decided we would risk food poisoning because WE HAD NO OTHER OPTIONS. Strike six.

Two hours after that, about an hour from landing they come around with another meal, much to our surprise. Our dude comes up to us and just started to put a food tray on Mandy's lap (I was in the bathroom) she had to ask, "what is this?" And he said "pork" and she said, "Do I not get any options? Is that all there is? Just fried rice pork?" I'm walking up as he goes, "omelet." She says in her SUPER sweet "Fuck you" voice, "Yeah I'll have the omelet then." As I sit down I say, "Yeah I'll have the same. Also can I get a beer?" He just says "No." And pushed the cart away. Ok. Strike seven.

The omelette was covered with greasy soggy bacon. I thought to myself, "good thing I'm ok with this. Poor vegetarian behind me." My guess is, he just didn't eat. For 14 hours. Also, they made Mandy and myself raise our seats to upright while we ate, not the people in front of us, or any other other Chinese people. Outright racism. When they were breaking down the trash, our guy walks by me with an empty beer can from a couple rows up of, you guessed it, Chinese people. It dawned on me he never said, "No, we're out of beer" which is what I assumed. He just said "No." Blatant racism. Strike eight.

Had I not brought mini bottles, I would have been provided with one beer, and one half of a small cup of wine (about a quarter of a glass) for a 14 hour plane ride. Fucking ridiculous. Unacceptable. I will never in my life ride on China Eastern. I will tell everyone who will listen to me to never ride on China Eastern. Don't ride on China Eastern. Don't give them money. Their staff is racist towards white people. It's understandable if you have a domestic Chinese flight to have your staff not speak English, but if the flight originated in the USA, they should at least be able to answer simple questions.

If for some reason this should end up in front of someone at China Eastern, I don't want free rides, just fix your shit.

So we land, we're at the back of the plane, and our bags are no where near us. This is because the plane is full of people that are carrying 3 to 4 carry on "bags" and cramming shit in the overhead that doesn't belong. We decided to just wait it out and keep an eye on our bags until everyone gets done. The Chinese in my experience push and shove, and don't make lines. This is exactly what happened. They push and shove to be the first to get off the plane, to push and shove to be the first on a bus to take us to the terminal. Mandy and I calmly collect our belongings, and get on the bus patiently, and then the doors close, and we head to the terminal. Golf clap for the Chinese. Well played.

Even though we aren't leaving the terminal, we still have to go through customs in China, which consists of 1 getting your finger prints scanned. 2 scanning your ticket and passport, and 3 going to the terminal. There are self finger print scanners at the beginning of the airport, but literally no one uses them. I say "hey Mandy, shouldn't we scan our fingerprints?" She says, "nobody else is, there's probably more further on." There weren't. I said, "Just because everyone is passing it up doesn't mean they are all right." We debated for a second, then just went on with everyone else. Not ideal.

Meanwhile there are passport control people running through the crowd shouting "MANILA MANILA 10 MINUTES THEY SHUT GATE MANILA MANILA!" See, since our plane was 2 hours late, everyone going to Manila was going to miss their flight. This led to the unorganized shit show we expected in China. People NOT going to Manila started running behind these people. Everyone followed into the self serve line, none of them had their fingerprint scans. You can't use self checkout without the receipt from your fingerprint scans. Manila was being let through without it, because they were literally missing their flight. Quickly the agent figured out the entire line eventually was just people blindly running after them, none of them had the correct information, and none of them could go through.

One by one, after waiting through about 30 minutes in self check out, people were sent back to the back of the line to check in with an officer. The fingerprint scanner was in a section that once you left, you couldn't go back in there. It seems logical if you don't think about it.

The check out by a person line takes about an hour. They were randomly letting people skip the fingerprint just to keep the line moving at self check out, that line was shorter, so we tried to see if maybe they would randomly let us through. They did not. They scanned our face, scanned our passport, scanned our ticket, then pointed to the back of the line.

At no point did anyone try to explain what was going on, in English, or Chinese. This could have saved people (read us) at least an hour. "If you have fingerprint, line here, no fingerprint, line here" is that hard? When we finally get to customs (again) they... Wait for it.. take my picture, scan my ticket, scan my passport, and then tell me to go in to the terminal. They did NOT get my fingerprints. They did NOT stamp my passport. Seriously. You can't make this shit up. They made me wait in line for an hour to do the thing they already did, but then just wouldn't let me in.

Now for security. First, we notice no one is taking their shoes off, and Mandy asks me, "Do we have to take our shoes off?" And I go, "I don't think so" and when we get up she asks, "Do we have to take our shoes off?" And the lady said "Yes. Shoes off." Literally a Chinese couple in front of us is going through the metal detector with shoes on. Mandy goes, "They're wearing shoes" and this woman from the people's republic of China looks Mandy in the eyes and says, "No they aren't."

"No they aren't." Let that sink in.

So we take off our shoes. I have 2 of my 6 mini bottles left, which they pull out, say something to the other people in Chinese, and then laugh. I think it was good hearted, but, I don't know the language. We make it through, or so I think, until one guy goes, "Take out power pack." I'm like "Oh, yeah I forgot that in my pack. Sure here." He looks it over, flips it around, and says, "No. You can not take." I'm like "Seriously? Why not? I flew here with that. I've flown all over the world with that!" And he says "I can't tell how strong it is, it's not printed." Which is true, because it's been rubbed off from use. The technical info isn't on there. I used that battery 5 days a week for work. It's been on 4 continents. I've flown with it countless times. Now it's stuck in China.

Mandy got super pissed and started to go off, and I stopped her and said, "It's not worth it. We'll have to get another one." China is not a free state. They don't have freedom of speech. The last thing I want is for this to escalate at all. I just said, "Keep it." And we left it. There was no reason for him to confiscate it. At all. I've never had anyone ever even glance at it. Ever. In any country. Ever. Except racist ass China.

At this point, we just wanted to get the fuck out of China. So this is my final point about China.. I kinda wanted to go at some point, Mandy kind of didn't want to go. Traveling with the Chinese, they are rude, pushy, inconsiderate, don't follow any local customs, they let their kids piss and shit in the street (I've seen it multiple times), and they just suck in general. These are my observations from traveling with the Chinese abroad. Traveling with them on their home turf, turns out they are racist against me as well. That being said, thanks but no thanks. China is officially off my list of countries I will visit. I now have absolutely no desire to go to China. We will never ride any Chinese airline ever again, no matter how good the ticket price. I'll never pay someone to treat me like a piece of shit.

Anywho, we have a bit of a panic getting on our last flight to the Philippines because our gate had only our flight on it, and they randomly closed it. We didn't know what time it was in China, and there were no clocks in the airport (which is insane). We went to get a drink, and our flight was a 9:20. At the restaurant we went to they said, "No food, just drinks" we said, "Ok we will do drinks." She said ok, the we ordered two Johnny Walker blacks, the lady then said, "No. Only beer." And I'm looking at the bottle with my eyes, and we're like, "uhhhh" she then said, we "We close at 9. Only beer." Which were 6 dollars for VERY blah Chinese beers. No thanks.

Well, now we're thinking it's like 5 till or something, then we see our gate is closed, and they're people going dowm an escalator towards our gate, towards our plane. We panic a little, then a bilingual girl comes up, and she straight up goes into full panic. "The gates are closed!" Then some Chinese. She takes off, we follow, she finds someone who works at the airport, hurried Chinese speech, then she takes off, we follow her. She's trying to find a way to that escalator, we are too. She gets us pretty worked up... Finally I'm like, "I'm just going to turn on my phone for a second for it to update to Shang Hai time." it connects... It's 8:18. After running around.

Yet again, we close at 9, so we can't serve you anything but beer... At our restaurant. Racist bullshit.

We get on the plane, no TV on this one, so 4 hours of silence. Everyone tried to sleep anyways. Everyone on this flight was on a similar ordeal as we were. Everyone used China as a layover, so they are all as exhausted as we are. When we land the plane erupts in laughter and applause. We made it. We fucking made it.

Well, to the Philippines. We still had a bit to go to get to our island... For sure. I'll post the rest of the long version later.

[procrastination-queenie]

No promises part 11

Warning: again this is so sad, so don't read if you don't want to.

First: If you haven't read part 1 please read it.

Second: you can listen to "No promises" by Shayne Ward.

Third: anything written between two stars *....* Is the content of a letter and it's also considered as a flashback.

It was in the middle of the day when he got a phone call from you. "Hello darling". "Tom." He sensed your weak voice and immediately there was a frown making it's way on his face. "What's wrong darling?!" His voice was laced with concern afraid of what she's going to say next. "I'm at the hospital". His heart almost stopped beating; he knew this was bound to happen, but never did he imagine it to happen like that. "which hospital?". On saying the word "hospital." Harrison ran to get the car ready as he understood what was happening and why exactly was a phone call was made from the hospital,but the twins remained confused and worried.

"Would just tell us why is she in the hospital?" Sam asked running out of patience as they drove to the hospital. "She's dying okay!!" Every one sat in silence except for Tom's sobs that were heard. Sam and Harry were shocked at the back and Harrison was lost, he felt sad for both of you and Tom. In the short amount that you knew him you became like a second sister to him. It was just the worst day for everyone.

You were sitting in the hospital bed waiting. Just staring at your hands which were on your lap. Tom and the rest made it to the hospital. "You go in first mate." Harrison said patting Tom's shoulder.

You heard the room's door open and you looked up to find Tom in the most broken state you've ever seen him in. "Hey" you said opening your arms for a hug. He ran to you and hugged you so tight afraid that if he let you go , you would vanish.

He didn't want to ask but he had to; "I-i-is it the time?" He asked already knowing the answer but kept denying it to himself. He felt you nodd with your head resting on his shoulder. Slowly you started to feel his chest moving, up and down as if he was struggling to breathe. He was beginning to cry and it didn't take too long until he was sobbing again. He was in a state of denial , in fact he was waiting for the doctor to enter any minute now and say that a miracle has happened and you're suddenly healed. "Don't cry, I don't want any crying. Do you understand? " You said pulling away from the hug trying to remain strong as possible. You wiped Tom's tears with your thumb as you leaned in to give him a kiss, then rest your forehead on his. You were silent for a few seconds. "Are the others outside?" Tom not trusting if he could utter a word without bursting into tears, nodded his head. "Go tell them to come in, I want to see them." You said giving him a kiss on the cheek. Tom went outside to get them but he almost fell to the ground; luckly Harrison was able to catch him in time. "Ay, mate hold it together". "She wants to see you all." Tom said barely whispering,but they heard him. Harrison, the twins then Tom all entered the room. "Heeey, Haz " you said hugging him. He was sad to see you in such a state nevertheless he did his best to conceal his sadness for yours and Tom's sake. "Don't forget what I told you." You whispered in Haz's ear and he nodded. "Oooh Harry. The funniest guy I've known in the Holland family, but of course after Dominic." You said trying to lighten up his mood. He gave you a sad smile as he hugged you. Next was Sam. "And finally Mr. Freckles" you said as he smiled at the nick name that you gave him a few months ago which he didn't mind, he knew you nick named him "Mr. Freckles" because you loved his freckles. He knew because you told him. They stayed with you for a few minutes, each one saying their goodbyes in their own way, before they left you with Tom. Waiting outside the three slided on the wall waiting, waiting till the end. Harry was crying, Sam was patting him on the back and Harrison was lost in his own thoughts.

Meanwhile Tom lied beside you on the bed hugging you. Your face was in his neck as you played with the necklace that you gave to him with one hand while the other played with his fingers. "Did I ever tell you that I love your hands?" Tom chuckled lightly "All the time, darling". And It was true you always expressed to him how much you love his hands or anything about him in particular.

"Just promise me one thing." You said holding on to him for dear life. "Anything sweetheart." He said as if this promise is the only thing that will prevent you from dying. "Don't forget me." You said with tears falling down your cheek as you couldn't hold it in anymore and looked up at him. "I promise darling." He said hugging you closer to him as if to protect you from what's to become, but he knows he can't, still he held you tight. "Sing to me Tom, please." He nodded with a shaky breath. "Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars

I'm gonna give you my heart

'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars

'Cause you light up the path." He sang with a croaked voice but trying to sound as normal as possible. "You're a terrible singer, thank God you're only an actor." He chuckled sadly at your comment, still he sang to you softly just as he did at the concert. You slowly started to drift in a long deep sleep. By the time Tom finished the song he looked at you ... checking...for what he didn't know. No, in fact he was still in denial and was checking for any sign of breathing but there wasn't any. He slowly started to lose it as he cried and pleaded for you to wake up, " baby, please wake up" he sobbed into your neck. Whispering to you how he was planning to marry you and start a life with him, he said all of this in hopes that you would magically wake up from this deep slumber like Snow White or sleeping beauty, but you didn't. Harrison and the Hollands heard his cries so, they entered quickly. Dominic and Harrison were trying to pull him away from you. Nikki stood in the corner hugging both of the twins as the three of them cried. Nikki and Dominic came immediately when Harrison called knowing that he will need help as much as possible because not only would it be difficult to handle Tom, the twins also lost it. They just couldn't take it; she was perfectly fine the last time they saw her.

(End of flashback)

"Oh shit... Right you probably know about her. You were the only one Sam had told you that he fancies a girl." Tom said talking to you. To anyone he's just a mad person talking to a ....... tomb stone.

(flashback)

*Tom I know you're probably sitting in a corner crying your eyes out as Harrison is reading this letter.* The boys sitting around chuckled at her sense of humour even though she's...gone. Tom looked up, eyes red and puffy, as Harrison continued to read the letter you told him about "don't forget what I told you" Harrison remembered the last thing you told him... It was about the letter. *but please I'm asking you to stop doing so. I know that this is hard for you, I would have done the same probably worse because I really loved you with all my heart. You are the only man who really knew how to make me feel loved. You are the only man who stole my breath away. So, please I want you to do this for me, move on* Tom shook his head as more tears fell from his eyes, down his cheeks and tickling it's way down his neck. *and don't stop yourself from achieving great things in life, which I know you could achieve, just because of this. It will definitely be hard. Just know that this will make me proud of you; it will make your family more proud knowing that their son, brother, or friend passed this chapter in his life.* Harrison smiled as a tear slipped from his eyes, his heart ached at how you counted him a member of the Holland's. *Just know that you are my one and only.*

Both Sam and Harry were sitting on a sofa; each one sitting at each end of it, listening to Harrison as he read your letter. *Sam* Harrison looked up at Sam to see surprise written all over his face. Sam didn't expect you to write for him. *I left something for you with Harrison and I'm sure you'll know what to do with it. It has something to do about what we talked about last time, I wish you all the luck and I want you to know that I approve.* Sam smiled with his eyes glistening he understood what you meant. A few weeks before all of this, he introduced to his future girlfriend and asked for your opinion, now you were encouraging him to go on and ask her out . No one knew of this, except you. That was how close you got to Tom's family.

*Harry*, Harry didn't look up, he too had red eyes, he couldn't believe that his best friend was gone and he didn't know anything about it until the last minute. *You're precious, I hope that you know that* still not looking up, a sided smile appear on his face. * I aslo left you something, Harrison knows where it is. He'll give it to you. Just know that I trust in your talent, because you're a natural.* Finally Harry looked up with tears falling down his face. * I just want you both Sam and Harry to know that you were the brothers I never had.* That being said, Tom couldn't help it but think if things were different they would have been her future brothers-in-law by now.

*finally Harrison, I am sorry I asked you to do all of this, I'm sorry if I had burdened you in any way. It's just I know that you would be the only one who could handle this as they are probably sobbing in front of you right now. Besides you were the only one who knew of my condition other than Tom* Harrison smiled sadly as he took a shaky breath. * I now release you from your duties.* Harrison chuckled, as tears started falling down his face,too. *I just ask of you guys to stop grieving, I was just a chapter in your lives. It'll be hard, but please try for me. It will make me happy to know that you have moved on from this stage. Just don't forget me. love, Y/N *

(End of flashback)

Harrison shook the memory from his head as he focused on Tom again seeing him sitting in front of your grave.

"Sam was really surprised that you left him some of your jewelry to give to his girlfriend. He said that you left a note saying that if she's the one then he should give them to her. And Harry was over the moon when he knew that you got him the newest equipment for photography, and the phonecalls you made to get him an internship with the most famous photographers." Tom sighed. "You just keep on surprising me darling." Shaking his head, he was trying to prevent himself from breaking down again.

"I did everything you asked of me in that letter, the only thing I couldn't do was moving on...... You know that's selfish of you Y/N" tears now were making their way down his face. " You're the one who left. And you expect me to find someone else. You didn't think how this would make me feel. It's not that easy." He said as his voice started to raise as if he was having a fight with you. "If things were different, you would have been my fiancée by now. We would have been choosing the flowers for the wedding together, and the wedding cake." His voice broke as he was still crying. "I knew from the beginning what I was getting myself into, yet I couldn't help but imagine my future with you." He was devastated, how could she ask for such a thing? "You left, and I 'm the one hurting sweetheart. You can't just ask me to move on" He said it bitterly. The word coming out of his mouth as if it's a venom. " I can't do that, I'm sorry, but I just can't." He said calming down a little. "You're asking too much sweetheart."

Harrison made his way to Tom with his hands tucked inside the pockets of his leather jacket. "Come on Tom. That's enough for today." He can't stand and watch his friend like that. Tom was literally losing himself, he wasn't the Tom that Harrison once knew. He was afraid that his friend won't be able to find his way back.

Tom nodded as he got up. "I'll visit again darling, don't worry." Tom said as Harrison left to start the engine. Tom looked once again at your Tomb Stone before making his way to the car.

That's it. I just hope that you guys please tell me what you think. And for those who have lost a loved one, please stay strong.💙@jellybean-gg thanks for your comment, you're the only one who commented 😅, so here's part 2.

[youaresogoingtohell]

Flags and label policing are doing a great job of dividing what little remains of the queer world against itself.

I know lots of people my age who hide their feelings about it from the younger set because they want to keep that door open, and it would be a denigration of our ancestors to make you feel unwelcome. I think they're good and nice, but I won't be able to pretend that way, personally. I'm not going to the events, is all.

Oh it worked on me, too, the hate campaign. I hate well, I'm good at it. Therefor I haven't any forgiveness left over for young rainbow crusaders.

I don't want flag team to feel welcome, because I want my surroundings to be safe. It isn't demonstrations or parties that make a place safe, it's work that hasn't been done for decades and a lifestyle that no longer exists. Hunted to dwindling, then finished off by traitors with flags.

Ongoing losses of history and community into the future don't mean as much to me as the suffering they've already caused. The shit you've made for your bed is yours to sleep in, I'll be dead. We'll be dead, the people you're spending your energy on attacking today.

We won't have to live in the world you're making, which is already a failure.

We've had our good times.

You're operating on the belief that your fuckedly labeled fantasy world is one the rest of us want to live in. Why? That phone in your hand is propping such an absurd lie up alarmingly easily but it's not the explanation. What is the reason? I think I know but my answer is not very nice. What's yours?

There are a lot of the same mechanics at work in society, mainstream and creek, in every country I've seen, but I've always gotten by on confining my passion and effort to those I love and those that love me, personally. Do y'all do that anymore? Know people personally? Love them?

"There's a human being on the other side of the monitor" yes, and I know extremely well what humans are capable of.

Knowing that shitty old PLs tricked you into being the little monsters you are does grant you some of my exquisite and valuable pity, but that's it. That's all you get. I don't adore you. You type "protecc queer elders" with one hand and you're flipping me off or trying to throttle me with the other. Every day.

"You just envy youth!" haaaaaaahahahahahahaha oh honey.

Nobody envies your youth.

Ours were worth envying. Yours are a great big list of times you decided not to do anything cool. The "positive" feelings we have about it is that we pity you deeply. Don't believe me? Ask around. Go talk to that queer elder you treasure and protect offline and get the details on how we feel for you.

Specifics in the script change, but the play is acted out over and over again.

'Terfs' haven't even been dealt with yet & y'all are already moving on to finer, more heinous or just purely mindless prejudices.

You goddamn little aging puddings better fucking face the fact that queer people are human beings, and all human beings are like this: human.

Get over yourselves. It's too late but do it anyway for style.

[matthillica]

Pandemic - Day 7 (Weds 3/18/20)

Not even sure where to begin this, suffice to say I've had a nagging feeling over the last few days that I need to document this as we all hurtle toward the unknown.

I haven't touched this blog in almost exactly 10 years, which is crazy to think about. Crazy that something I used to spend so much time agonizing over and pouring thought into has become antiquated and obsolete... only to become the one outlet that makes sense during this crazy time.

Yesterday I set up the Kinect on my Xbox, another obsolete piece of technology. Because I'm a nerd and always have to have the newest, hottest, flamingest shit, I got one of the first Xbox Ones to come out, which came with the second generation of Kinect sensor... you know, the one Microsoft tried to shove down all our throats relentlessly. Anyway, we basically used it as a voice operated remote to browse Netflix. "Xbox, pause" "Xbox, play" "Xbox, rewind"... you know, shit Americans are known for. Anyway, Microsoft eventually gave up the ghost and phased the Kinect out. Mine's been sitting on a shelf gathering dust for at least 2 years.

Now, it's a way (if I can get the damn thing working again) for us to use an outdated Skype app so that we can talk to Grandma on a daily basis. My daughter, Caroline is almost 2 (yes! I have a daughter now and have been married to my wife since September 2015). Grandma is in Kansas, set to move to be with us in Atlanta as soon as her house sells. She was supposed to come visit us 3/27, but it's looking like that won't happen now. I told her if she was able to get in the car TODAY and make the 14 hour drive, stopping only for gas and to sleep in her car, that she's welcome to come stay with us and ride this thing out. Tearfully, she told me she needed to stay in case someone wants to come look at the house.

Honestly, it's going to be safer for her there anyway. McPherson has around 15,000 people. Meanwhile Atlanta is set to blow with this virus and cases have started to double overnight. It's hard to know how many there really are simply because there's a shortage of testing. Personally, I think by this weekend, our healthcare system is going to be in the grips of the worst crisis it's ever seen.

I should also mention that my wife has some autoimmune health issues that are pretty unique. She suffers from Schmidt's Syndrome which is a combination of Addison's Disease and Hypothyroidism. It's something that can be managed with a daily regimen of drugs, but is a serious condition that can be exacerbated by illness. The story of her diagnosis and the things we went through to get to it could fill a book at this point. I have taken more trips to the ER in the last 5 years than I care to mention and many of them have been triggered by illness, whether that's a common flu or something given to my wife by Caroline from her daycare or mastitis... even the slightest thing can send her into adrenal crisis, which immediately requires a trip to the ER.

So... as you can probably guess... I'm pretty fuckin nervous about all this. Luckily, I have been quietly prepping and watching this story develop, so we have plenty of food, water, and meds to get us through the next 60-90 days. My concern is that if my wife catches this, which she probably will, we may need a trip to the ER... and that's the last place on earth I want to be right now or for the forseeable future.

I should ALSO also mention... my wife is 13 weeks pregnant with our second child. This means that now, not only do we get to navigate our way through a pandemic AND Schmidt's... but we also have to deal with morning sickness and fatigue, all the while playing the game of "Is this symptom just pregnancy OR is it your Schmidt's OR is it Covid?"

Anyway, the last few days have been rough and we're only at the beginning of this thing. My wife can barely stand due to fatigue. She basically moves from one flat position to the next... shuffling quickly from our bed to a sofa or from the sofa to the kitchen and back as quickly as she can. It's slightly horrifying. I've been trying to cram fluids and food down as much as possible, but it's hard when someone doesn't feel well. I got her a bottle that lights up every 30 min to remind her to drink, but that's not really helped much at all. I grabbed protein shakes from the store in an effort to find something high calorie with vitamins, etc. that she can drink easily. I basically had to hold a gun to her head to make her drink it this morning. I'm equal parts husband and taskmaster. It sucks.

Last night she said she felt the fatigue was getting worse and that it wasn't due to pregnancy. I can connect with her doctors via an app that allows me to send them messages... Laura was too tired last night to do this herself, so I fired off an email to both her endocrinologist and OBGYN. No response.

In preparation for a doctor visit today, which we assumed we'd be able to schedule, we drove to Laura's folks' house so they can watch Caroline while we go to the doc. We tried calling the docs on the way over, but it seems they're already trying to stem the flow of patients. It's worrisome when you're living with someone who has a life-threatening illness to see the system strained already when the worse is yet to come.

Anyway, not long after we got to my in-laws' house, Dr. Patel (endocrinologist) called me directly. After discussing Laura's symptoms with him for about 10 minutes, he said we need to go to the ER so that she can be given fluids via IV. I said, yeah... no I don't want to go there AT ALL. But he said really, we need to go as this is the only way to deliver IV fluids. I thanked him for calling us and he said he'd call back tomorrow to check in.

So... what to do? Do we drive into what we KNOW is a situation that will expose us both to Covid so that she can be given IV fluids and told she needs to eat more, which I can almost guarantee you is what will happen since we've been through this a dozen times before? OR do we do what we can at home, try to see if we can force fluids and food to make her feel better, then reevaluate tomorrow when, in all likelihood, the situation will be even worse at the ERs? Neither is a fantastic choice.

For now, we've decided to stick it out here at her parents and see if we can force the fluids and food for today. At the very least, tomorrow when we wake up if she is still not feeling better, we'll be able to say that we know she's not dehydrated and we know she's had enough food. I know it will be worse at the ER tomorrow, but if going there is a Covid sentence either way, seems like it would be smarter to delay that option as long as possible.

So that's the situation right now. We're all "working from home" at this point. I have a desk set up at home and have grabbed my monitors, so with the exception of the folding table set up in Caroline's playroom, it's just like my normal office setting, basically. It's interesting attending meetings and trying to handle the business-as-usual functions of our jobs while the world around us starts to crack and crumble. I can't help but wonder how long this routine will go on before each one of us is just in 100% survival mode, unable to track or even care about projects that have lost their meaning in the context of this incredible, unbelievable, worldwide crisis.

It's crazy to think that everyone... EVERYONE on EARTH... is living out their own versions of this story, complete with difficult situations to navigate and impossible choices to make. My own drama is consuming all of my mental real estate right now, so my heart is with everyone who is dealing with their own all-consuming drama as well.

Be good to each other over the coming days and weeks. Stay strong and as positive as possible. Take care and stay safe.

-Matt