#I have to repeatedly tell her 'I'm not handling that for you tho. ur an adult I know you can handle this' and she's like

[imwritesometimes]

when people ask me why I don't want to get married or have children sometimes I wish I could just replay like.... one phone call between my mother and I and then ask them, "would you wanna add more people asking you for shit and relying on you if this was your mom?"

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

HEY. GUESS WHO’S BACK. LAVENDER. cause ur advice was really helpful and I guess I wanna expand on what I said

TW: SA, transphobia, suicide/SH mention

the situation with her is really complicated for me because on one hand, yeah! she literally just kissed me with tongue without asking after repeatedly emphasizing the importance of consent- but also apparently she was dissociating????? I’m screaming I don’t know what to believe- she thanked me for saying no to her even tho like. I only said no because I physically couldn’t handle her touching me- she respected my no but I really. Mm. No. Nuh uh. nah. she should’ve asked me before frenching me

and l she’s part of a system, right, which isn’t a big deal or a problem- but apparently her protector was right there just. WATCHING. her protector told me later that I seemed visibly tired and uncomfortable, and that she considered intercepting multiple times! like wow thanks. that’s so great 😐

but honestly this isn’t my first conflict with this girl specifically? she said something really transphobic abt my bestie (he isn’t trans, just short) - I mentioned he was shorter than me and she was like “aw little trans boi” and was babying him, it made my skin fucking CRAWL bro

and then like. on multiple occasions she’d vent abt really heavy shit, like SH and suicide, with minimal warning- and then whenever I’d get upset, she’d shrink up and insult herself and act all meek but it’s like! how many times have I set that boundary, and why does she continue to violate it

it just doesn’t seem like a good friendship for me but I feel really guilty? like I feel like I’m to blame for her kissing me that way, why didn’t I say no before, why did I ignore my mind? I’m so tired. any advice or commentary would be appreciated, I just wanna be validated here idk

Hey there,

It does sound like a complicated situations. Consent is always necessary, though. Always. A part of her did know you were not comfortable. That means that consent was not forthcoming from you.

It's not okay to infantilize someone just because they're short or because they're trans. That's not okay.

Consent is important when it comes to venting, as well. It's important to make sure the person you're talking to is in the headspace to hear you. I'm sorry you were guilted for getting upset. You're allowed to be upset by what she says and you're allowed to tell her that you aren't able to hear it right now. Someone who continually violates your boundaries is not someone you owe anything to. You can cut her off, reiterate your boundaries bluntly, and/or keep your distance.

It's not easy to uphold your boundaries! It really isn't. And when we have people in our lives who try to push us, it's even harder. Some people are really good at making others feel guilty and doubt themselves. That doesn't mean you deserve to feel guilty or doubtful. Sure, you may have had inklings about her not being the best company, but it isn't always cut and dry. Forgive yourself for any blame you're putting on yourself.

You deserve a better friend. You deserve someone who cares about you, listens to you, makes you feel valid and heard, and doesn't push your boundaries.

You are absolutely not to blame for what happened. You didn't do anything wrong. Go easy on yourself. You're doing the best you can.

- Mod Misa