#I had a couple hrs to myself today and decided to try writing - have felt pretty deflated since finishing start carvin' darlin'

[anyoneseenadam]

You write fenrys so well 🥺

Can I request something for him falling in love with a lady who works in a library and is friends with aelin and he keeps finding excuses to visit the library and one day they realize they’re mates ? Can you plz include alot of longing looks & touched and his friends noticing ?

pairing: Fenrys x reader (throne of glass)

warnings: drinking, small argument, mainly fluff

a/n: kay so it's been a hot MINUTE since I've posted and I am sorry my loves, also I comepletely modified this but I hope you still like it, comment and shiz pls it really helps with writers block lol <33

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You had met Aelin sometime after the war. She had been wandering around town a couple days after the coronation, smiling at children and waving at the elderly, observing the way the town was slowly filling again, people returning home now it was safe. There weren’t many people about however, it just being seven in the morning.

She had walked past a shop then. It was small and rickety, the door barely on its hinges as a girl fought with it, swearing like a sailor.

“Do you need some help?” she asked, moving to stand beside the girl. You screamed instantly, jumping out of your skin at her sudden appearance, having not heard anyone coming due to how absorbed you were in your job. Aelin screamed when you screamed, and it left the two of you staring at each other with wide eyes before you fell apart in fits of laughter.

You stood from where you had bent to clutch your stomach, wiping tears from your eyes as you calmed down.

“Jeez you fucking gave me a heart attack,” you laughed as she apologised, still giggling behind her hand. You then turned, hands on your hips as you glared at the door of your shop.

“Rude men should be put down,” you muttered and Aelin was laughing again.

“That I can get behind,” she said as you opened it, giving up on fixing it completely, Aelin gasping when she saw the inside.

“You have a bookshop!” she exclaimed, and you laughed.

“Had, now I just have dusty books and a broken door. It was my mother’s before…” you trailed off and Aelin put a hand on your shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” she said, and you shrugged.

“It’s fine, it was ages ago anyway,” you stepped further into the shop, going to the large window up front and tugging of the white sheet that obscured it from light. “However, this shop isn’t dead yet so might as well get it done.”

Aelin looked around the shop, the paper on the walls was peeling, the paint on the shelves cracked and the books covered in a fine layer of dust. “Damn, where do we start?” she asked, rolling up her sleeves and grinning at you when you whirled around, frowning at her.

“Doesn’t the queen have better things to do?” you asked, and she shrugged, laughing at your bewildered expression.

“I’m sure my husband will cope.” You gave her an unsure look at that, and she laughed, “He’s competent.”

“If you say so.”

“If you knew I was queen you really have no fear of authority do you?” she asked as you started pulling books down and pilling them onto the sheet you just pulled off the window.

“Respect is earned, plus you’re the one who made me shit myself.” She laughed again, smiling widely, and helping you take down more books as she realised this was the most she had laughed since the war ended.

--

The worked all day. First removing the books and putting them upstairs in the rundown apartment you lived in, filled with plants, blankets, and somehow even more books. Next the repainted the shelves, setting them outside to dry while they re-wallpapered the walls and cleaned the floor until it was shining.

When the sky got darker you swore as you realised neither of you had eaten all day, going up to your new friend and asking her what she wanted for dinner.

“I make really good pasta,” you had suggested, and she had nodded enthusiastically as you went upstairs to your apartment, drinking wine as you cooked together. As you ate on the floor, drinking yet another bottle of wine, this time straight from the bottle Aelin asked about your past.

You assured her it was relatively normal, asides from the whole ‘evil tyrant thing’ as you put it. You talked together for hours, going back downstairs, and bringing the now dry, sage green shelves back in and putting all the books away, setting them in categories.

Hours later Aelin decided to go home, not wanting to worry so much and she opened the still broken door, the both of you laughing as you realised you had forgotten a pretty integral part.

“Hey, you could just name the shop, ‘the broken door’,” she suggested, and you smiled.

“That would work.”

--

When Aelin got home she was met with a concerned Rowan, asking where she had been all day.

She smiled at him, pausing before answering, “I think I have a new best friend.”

Rowan frowned at that, “And what brings you to that conclusion?”

“Today was the first time I’ve laughed since…” she trailed off as silence fell at the thought of their past few months, Rowan then bringing her in for a hug.

“You know this means I have to meet her too then,”

“Nope my best friend get your own.” She shoved him playfully, falling asleep next to him that night with a smile on her face.

--

They went to see you the next morning and Aelin laughed when she saw your dishevelled state.

“Did you sleep?” she asked when she walked into the shop and found signs put up and plants dotted around the room as you sat on the floor, drinking a coffee that smelt so strong she almost gagged, much preferring sweeter tastes.

“Sleep is for the weak!” you said, half-heartedly raising your hand.

“And what’s with all the plants?” Rowan asked, frowning as he almost walked into another and you sat up straighter, glaring at him.

“What you too good for plants?” you asked your hands moving over-exaggeratedly as you got to your feet. “Don’t listen to him, he’s just a stinky man,” you whispered to the plants and Aelin laughed at her husbands offended face.

You stood and started walking upstairs, your feet dragging as you went to get breakfast. You heard them follow you and you pushed open the door to your flat.

You had even more plants up here and Rowan rolled his eyes as you moved to open the large windows, letting in fresh air, you then moved about making pancakes, mixing enough for the three of you and adding blueberries when you were finished.

You cooked them up while chatting idly with Aelin and Rowan, only receiving a small amount of judgement when Aelin discovered you didn’t actually have a bed and instead just a mattress on the floor with a sheet for warmth and some soft pillows. Your house was newly decorated, art hung on the walls, plants and candles decorating every surface.

“Tea, coffee, water, vodka?” you offered them drinks and Aelin whined.

“No vodka, we had too much wine last night,” you laughed at that as you served up coffee and pancakes.

“Yeah we’ll have to go properly drinking some night,” you muttered, Rowan chuckling under his breath and nodding in agreement.

The three of you ate the rest of your food, laughing and joking together and Rowan really noticed the difference in Aelin’s manner. She hadn’t been truly comfortable or at ease in months, always looking over her shoulder, but now she sat laughing with her friend and Rowan wanted to thank you a million times over for bringing her back out of her shell.

--

Since you first met Aelin you were meeting up almost every day, discussing books over tea and hanging out at your shop, or drinking from expensive glasses in her castle while trying on elaborate dresses. Soon you were practically apart of the family, but that didn’t stop the confusion Fenrys felt when he walked into the castle and found a young girl sleeping on Aelins’ bed, a book opened but abandoned on her chest.

He tentatively walked forward so he could see her more clearly and felt his heart clench when his eyes fall upon her peaceful face, her eyes closed, and hair spread around her head like a halo. He was about to reach a hand out to brush a strand of hair from her soft hair when he heard the door open, turning to see Aelin run in, wrapping her arms tightly around him.

“Fenrys I didn’t know you were back,” she said when she pulled back, bouncing on the soles of her feet excitedly and he laughed.

“Are you going to explain why there’s a girl in your bed, or do I need to break some news to Rowan,” he joked and she shoved his shoulder before moving to the bed and shaking the girl awake.

“It’s just (y/n),” she explained as the girl huffed and rolled away from Aelin.

“Ah of course this person who I definitely knew existed,” Aelin stuck her finger up at him as he laughed, unable to stop his eyes from trailing back to her.

He watched as she breathed in deeply, her eyes opening slowly as she took him in, before she pulled her covers up to over her chin and frowned at him and Aelin with a small pout.

“I was having the best dream every asshole,” she complained and Fenrys smiled as she sat up on her elbows and reached a hand out to him to shake, introducing herself. He brushed the shake of and instead brought her hand to his mouth pressing a kiss to the back of it as sparks show through her skin at the sensation.

“I’m Fenrys, ambassador of Terrasen,” he smiled cheekily as she shrunk away slightly, nerves taking over her, “hope to see you around more.”

He left, pressing a quick kiss to Aelin’s temple, and winking at you as Aelin moved over to you with wide eyes.

“Aelin…” you started as she squealed.

“He was totally flirting with you! You would be such a cute couple, please, please ask him out I need you two to get married and have to worlds prettiest babies!” she was bouncing in hr seat as you moved to shut her up.

“Okay ONE, I just met him. And TWO, he was far too pretty for me,” you said and Aelin frowned.

“Nope, nope you are incorrect, and he is going to fall in love with you,” she demanded, and you laughed, kicking her with your foot.

“Mhm sure.”

--

The next few days, Fenrys was coming to your shop every day. He would bring chocolates and flowers some days, or coffee and pastries other days. Always dropping them off with a smile, before lounging in the plush, green chair in the corner of the shop and talking to you for hours. He has also started coming to your and Aelin’s weekly cocktail night, wrapping his arm around your shoulder’s and laughing drunkenly into your neck as you told stories.

However, through all this you remained ‘friends’. He would press kisses to your cheek and hands, keep an arm slung around your waist when men came to speak at you at bars and primarily referred to you using pet names and rarely ever your actual name. And it was getting frustrating.

You were having to start putting genuine effort to not kiss him every time you had a drink and he sat extra close to you. Or when you were invited to parties, and he moved smoothly through the countless questions asking if you were dating.

And while you revelled in the attention it was tearing at your heart slightly as insecurities told you that he would never actually be interested in you. You wanted to scream at him every time he kissed you but wanted to melt into him every time he hugged you, your brain constantly at battle with itself when he was near.

You knew you were due to explode any time soon. So when you were out one night and he was holding you extra close, you pulled away, muttering an excuse about getting another drink.

Standing at the bar as you waited you rested you head in your hands for a second before you saw a man begin to approach you. He was attractive, not like Fenrys, but honestly you would take anything to get your mind of him at the moment, so you smiled at him, tilting your head.

“What’s a doll like you doing all alone?” he asked, his voice rough and gravelly, unlike the smooth, deep timbre you were used to, but you just laughed.

“Waiting for a man to not dehumanise me,” you bit back, and he raised his hands sheepishly.

“Sorry about that, what would you prefer?” he flirted, sidling up closer to you as you turned to face him.

“Can’t go wrong with ma’am,” you joked, and he laughed, looking down and shaking his head, only to look back up, his eyes going wide. You felt a familiar hand wrap around your waist and looked up to see Fenrys, resisting the urge to roll your eyes as he glared at the man in front of you.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he asked, his voice deep and full of authority, the man in front of you shrinking under his gaze.

“Shit sorry man, didn’t realise she had a boyfriend,” he apologised and this time you did roll your eyes.

“He’s not my-“ you began but Fenrys cut you off.

“Yeah she does, so back the fuck off.” You looked down as he spoke, shaking your head as tears of frustration built in your eyes. You harshly pulled out of his grip, leaving the bar as quickly as you could, wiping away the escaped tears as you heard Fenrys follow after you, shouting your name.

You whirled around when you got outside, your glare murderous.

“You do not get to do that!” you shouted as he moved closer to you.

“Sweetheart I’m sorry,” he began but you cut him off.

“NO! I am not your girlfriend! You have never once asked me to be so you don’t get to try scare away any guy that might have genuine interest in me!” his shoulders slumped as you spoke. Truthfully, he has been working up the courage to ask you out for months, and while he knew it was unfair how he treated you, he couldn’t help himself. He was addicted. He thought of you constantly, the texture of your skin, the smell of your hair, the way your eyes lit up and the way you moved your hands as you spoke. So when he saw you engage with the man that had the audacity to talk to you, his grip tightened on his glass so much it shattered, ignoring the worried looks from Aelin and Rowan as he stomped over to you.

“(y/n) listen, I’ve been an asshole I know,” he raised his hands, tentatively stepping towards you, “But I really care about you, and I want to be yours.”

You laughed bitterly, “You’re just saying that.”

He shook his head vehemently, stepping closer to you again and wrapping his arms around your shoulders so gently, one would think you were made of glass.

“I love you darling, please be mine,” he said into your hair, and you pulled back, looking up at him through glassy eyes before nodding slightly.

“I love you Fenrys,” he smiled down at you before leaning down and pressing a gentle kiss against your mouth, pouring his heart into the action. You gasped slightly as your lips met and he smiled widely against your mouth as the bond clicked into place.

“You know this means I now have an excuse to break the nose of any man that talks to you,” he whispered against your lips, and you giggled, shoving at his shoulder gently.

“I’m still annoyed at you,” you muttered, and his eyes darkened.

“Well I’m sure I can make it up to you.”

[huttons]

Never Really Was Enough, Pt. I

word count: 4.3k

summary:  When Eva moves to Raleigh, it wasn't a happy occasion. She needed to get away from her family and moving across the country was the quickest way for her to accomplish that. As she finds her place in Raleigh, she finds a new family with people she never expected to (especially with a certain red-headed hockey player).

warnings: talk of past dealings with homophobia, off-screen character death

author’s note: this was written as part of @fandomtrumpshate​ 2020! I was lucky enough to write this for @antoineroussel​ <3 

ao3 link

~ ~ ~

“How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?”

The day Eva packs up and moves to Raleigh isn’t a happy one. Despite having the chance to start an amazing new job, and the chance to start over, she’s bitter about having to do it. The thought of having to make a new start without a support network is terrifying. But if it means that Eva can have a fresh new start, then so be it.

As Eva puts the last box into the U-Haul, she sighs. Moving across the country isn’t exactly how she had planned on getting away from her family, but she also didn’t think that she would be leaving so soon, either. It was a stroke of luck that she had been hired in North Carolina, and it was even better that she had found an apartment she could afford to live in.

Once she starts the long drive, there’s no heartfelt good-byes, and nobody to send her off. Eva has to remind herself that Lucas is long gone now and there’s nothing holding her back anymore. So, she begins what will likely turn into a week-long trip to Raleigh. It’s mostly a mindless drive, with only a few wrong turns. The days blur into each other, and she only stops for gas, food, and the chance to sleep.

By the time she pulls up to her new apartment complex, she feels exhausted and groans at the thought of having to unpack everything by herself. She drags herself to the front office to get checked in. It’s a smooth process, and once she gets the keys, Eva is hoping it doesn’t take all night to get everything moved up to her apartment.

“Hey, are you new here?” someone asks.

Eva turns and there’s a woman, about her age and blonde hair that glows in the sunlight walking over to the U-Haul.

“Yeah, just got in obviously,” Eva answers with a tired smile. “I’m Eva.”

“Samantha, but everyone calls me Sammy,” she introduces. “Are you here by yourself?”

“Yep, it’s just me,” Eva replies. “I couldn’t afford to hire any help, and my family couldn’t make it out, so it’s just me.”

“Ah, so you moved from far away?”

“Across the country,” Eva answers. “I came from Portland. The one in Oregon.”

“Damn, that’s a long-ass drive,” Sammy jokes. “But I think you’ll like it here. The neighbors are good, for the most part.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“I’m guessing this will take you a while, so I should be able to help you once I pick up my boyfriend from the auto shop.”

“Oh, you don’t have to help.”

Sammy snorts. “Please, you’re going to be here for ages. It’ll be no big deal at all. There aren’t a lot of people our age here, so it won’t be too much of a hassle to help out.”

“Well, if it’s not a big deal, then sure, I’d appreciate the help,” Eva replies with a soft smile. “I live in 417 if I’m not down by the truck.”

“See you then, Eva.”

Once Sammy leaves, Eva looks back to everything she has to unpack. She’s thankful that she doesn’t have a bed or couch to worry about, but Eva isn’t happy about having to sleep on the floor until the bed she ordered comes in. Without the help from her family, though, there was no way she was going to be able to get a bed or a couch into the moving vehicle.

Eva loses track of time, and by the time Sammy and her boyfriend, Patrick, come by to help, it’s late afternoon. They don’t talk much, but the silence is easy, which Eva is unfamiliar with. It’s been a long time since she felt comfortable not feeling like she had to fill the quietness. By the time dinner time rolls around, they finally have everything in Eva’s apartment.

“Are you going to want help unpacking things?” Sammy asks.

“Nah, this was already so much help. I probably would have spent the rest of the night bringing things up here,” Eva answers. “But thank you again, I really appreciate this.”

“We couldn’t not help someone moving in by themselves,” Patrick says. “It’s a big step, what you did. I don’t think I could ever move across the country by myself.”

Eva shrugs. “If you have to do it, then you manage.”

Both Sammy and Patrick don’t ask for more details, which Eva is grateful for. She’s not really sure if she feels comfortable talking about how she ended up here quite yet.

“So, are you really going to be fine sleeping on the floor?” Patrick asks, a little bit of worry in his voice. “I’m sure we could find something more comfortable for you.”

“Yeah, it’s only for a couple of nights until the delivery comes in,” Eva replies. “I just wasn’t sure when I would be getting here, so I guess I’ll just have to suffer for getting here early.”

Sammy snorts. “Alright, well, if you ever need company, we’re just one floor up. And you know what, give me your number so I can text you good places for takeout. I’m sure that you won’t want to be cooking for the next few days.”

“Oh, thank you, that would be nice,” Eva replies, who was planning on just living off of pizza for the next day or two. “I honestly don’t even know what there’s to do here since I just moved out here for work, so honestly, I’ll take any recommendations you have.”

Once Sammy and Patrick leave, Eva has a new contact in her phone and a list of places to check out around Raleigh. It’s a comfort knowing that she already has people willing to help her out here. She isn’t sure how well she’ll click with people at work and the thought of randomly introducing herself to her other neighbors isn’t an appealing idea.

The following week is a hectic one, with Eva trying to get her apartment to feel like a home and making sure that she’s ready to start work. She meets up with Sammy and Patrick again for dinner one night at their apartment to take a break from unpacking all of her boxes. It wasn’t until she moved that she realized how much stuff she accumulated.

“So, what do you two do for work?” Eva inquires.

“I work in the front office for the Canes,” Sammy answers. “And Patrick here is a kindergarten teacher, which is why you see glitter everywhere.”

“That was one time,” Patrick protests. “It’s not my fault it never disappears.”

Sammy snorts. “Yeah, it was a mistake he’s thankfully only made once.”

“Uh, not to sound dumb, but am I supposed to know who the Canes are?” Eva asks, a little nervous. “Are they like…a big company or something?”

“Oh, they’re the NHL team here,” Sammy replies. “I keep forgetting not everyone keeps up with hockey.”

“Well…I guess I’m going to have to start watching it if I’m going to be friends with the two of you,” Eva says. “I’ve only watched one game and that was because it was on at a sports bar my brother and I were at.”

“It’s really not that big of a deal,” Sammy says. “Hockey is fun, but it can be kind of messy sometimes. And I hardly understand it despite working there for a couple years now.”

Eva smiles softly. “Well, in that case, I feel a bit better about not knowing anything.”

“So, what brought you all the way across the country? I don’t think we ever asked,” Patrick inquires. “You don’t have to share if you don’t want to, though.”

“I found a good computer engineering job out this way for a small tech company. My other job just wasn’t cutting it,” Eva explains. “And it was time to get away from the family. Things were…not great, to put things lightly. Turns out they weren’t okay with me being bi.”

“We’re glad to have you here then,” Sammy says decisively. “Family can be shit sometimes, and I’m glad that you’ve been able to get away from them.”

Eva smiles sadly. “Thank you. I don’t think it’s really settled in yet, but I’m proud of myself.”

“You deserve to be proud,” Sammy says. “Now, let’s talk about happier things.”

The rest of the night passes easily and Eva can tell that she’s going to really like Sammy and Patrick. They’re good people and take her coming out with ease. She forgot that plenty of people don’t care about her sexuality, but with a minimal support system back home, it was easy to not remember that. By the time Eva leaves that night, her heart feels fuller and happier than it has in a long time.

When Eva gets back to her apartment, she sighs and makes a list of what needs to be accomplished tomorrow. There’s not much left to do, especially since the bed she ordered had come in a few days ago and she had found a decent couch off of craigslist. Her new job starts on the following Monday, which is only four days away now.

To distract herself, Eva decides to finish all the unpacking the following day, then goes shopping for things to decorate with. She sold most of those things before the cross-country drive, not wanting to hold onto any bad memories. Now she has the chance for a fresh start and it makes her feel light.

By the time Monday morning rolls around, she’s extremely nervous. Despite emails saying that people dress casually, Eva decides to go for a more business casual look, wanting to make a good first impression. She does her best to look like she didn’t stay up all night, then makes the drive out to the office.

“You must be Eva!” someone greets cheerily, once Eva walks in the front door.

“Uh, yes, that’s me,” Eva replies, taken aback by their cheery disposition.

“I’m James, and I’ll be helping you settle into the office,” James explains. “I know this is a lot to take in on a Monday, but today and tomorrow will mostly be orientation and HR stuff.”

“I can handle that,” Eva replies.

James proceeds to show Eva where her desk is and let’s her get settled. He gives her login information for her computer, and then lets her work on settling into her space, along with setting things up with HR. The morning passes quickly, then James is treating Eva to lunch, where they end up visiting a local diner.

“They’re open 24/7 and don’t mind if we stay for hours on end in the middle of the night when we’re trying to meet a project deadline,” James explains, when Eva seems a bit confused.

“Sounds like that’s a common experience,” she snorts.

“Don’t want to scare you off, but you wouldn’t be wrong,” James laughs. “How’s it been so far? I know it’s not that exciting, yet.”

Eva shrugs. “Could be worse. It seems like a good place and like there’s good people here. So, I think I can deal with a couple days of boring paperwork.”

“That’s the spirit!” James says happily. “And I promise that this is an amazing place to work. It’s not all that glamourous, especially since we aren’t a big company or anything, but the culture is what makes people stay.”

“Well, that’s good, glad I took a chance on coming out here then.”

The rest of lunch passes easily and Eva proceeds to spend the rest of the day filling out paperwork. Despite the easiness of the day, she feels exhausted by the time she gets back to her apartment. She reheats leftovers, then goes to pass out on her mildly uncomfortable bed.

The summer passes by quicker than Eva can even process. There’s so much to take in and she doesn’t have time to hurt about her family not asking about how she’s doing. It’s mid-August when she’s hanging out with Sammy, while Patrick preps for school to start up again.

“So, how would you feel coming to a company party with me?” Sammy asks, out of the blue. “It’s in a couple of weeks and I want you to come with me. It’d be fun.”

“Shouldn’t you be going with Patrick?” Eva retorts. “The two of you are dating.”

“Yeah, but I always bring him. Besides, I think you would have fun and would get along with everyone,” Sammy explains. “And honestly, Patrick is a bit all over the place this time of year, so I don’t think he’s too keen on going anyways.”

“What’s the vibe like? Is it a stuffy company party where everyone secretly gets drunk to get through the night or one where people actually like each other?”

“People actually enjoy each other there. And it’ll be a barbecue at one of the player’s houses, so it’s a totally chill thing.”

“Oh, well, it’ll be good to meet your coworkers then. I can finally put some names to faces, but I can’t guarantee that I’ll remember anything.”

“Alright, I’ll make sure that you’re on the guest list. Some of the players will be there with their partners, so you’ll have the chance to meet them if you want to.”

“I honestly could not tell you who’s who still, so I probably won’t even know that I met any of them.”

Sammy laughs. “That’ll provide some good chirping material for them.”

“Glad I could be of service,” Eva jokes.

“You’ll fit right in; I promise.”

~ ~ ~

Finally, the day of the barbecue rolls around. It’s still sticky hot, so Eva keeps her outfit simple with a tank top and a pair of shorts. Sammy insisted that the dress code was casual and there’s no need to dress nice. The whole thing is just a chance for everyone to mingle and meet the new people joining the Canes.

Despite still not really knowing any of the players, Sammy tells Eva about a new player that’s coming to the barbecue today. She seems excited to meet whoever the guy is, so Eva tries to remember his name, but forgets it the closer they get to the house where the get-together is being hosted.

Sammy has to park a little bit away, so when the two of them walk up to the house, Eva lets out a small gasp. The house is huge and the backyard looks gigantic. She supposes it has to be, to host an office party. However, it’s still a reminder how lucrative being an athlete and sports management can be.

“It’s fucking ridiculous, isn’t it?” Sammy snorts. “Not that I’m complaining, since it always means good food and alcohol, but still. I’m still honestly not completely used to it and I’ve been coming to these things ever since I started working here.”

“This is…a lot,” Eva comments. “But I’m excited to look around.”

Once they get into the house, Sammy drags Eva out to the backyard and introduces her to a bunch of people. Eva immediately forgets all of their names, but just smiles and nods along. After a little bit however, she decides to split off from the group to go get some food. She lets Sammy know and walks off to the other side of the yard. Once she gets her food, someone walks up to her and introduces himself.

“I don’t think we’ve met yet,” he says. “I’m Dougie.”

“Oh, it’s good to meet you, I’m Eva,” she replies. “I don’t actually work here, I’m with Sammy. I guess that makes you coworkers, right?”

“Um, I think? Technically?” he replies, unsure.

“Do you work in management then? Didn’t take you for the type, but I guess I shouldn’t judge.”

“Um, I mean-” Dougie starts to say.

“Dougie, get over here, we need to show you something!” someone else shouts.

He looks apologetically over at Eva before heading over to the group. Eva obviously wants to know what he was going to say, but shrugs it off and walks over to Sammy. She’s still animatedly talking to the same people as before, but smiles over at Eva when she joins the group again. After a few minutes, they head off to grab food as well.

“So, meet anyone exciting yet?” Sammy asks. “There’s a few players and they’ll introduce themselves to anyone new.”

“I might have met your boss? Or management?” Eva answers, still unsure of what Dougie’s role is.

“Oh, isn’t she amazing?” Sam gushes.

“She? Well, I guess I shouldn’t have assumed her gender,” Eva replies, immediately feeling bad.

Sammy looks confused. “Um…I don’t think we’re talking about the same person. My boss is over there.”

She points to a petite woman, with ebony skin. So, definitely not Dougie then.

“Well…that is definitely not who I met,” Eva whispers. “His name was Dougie.”

“You met Dougie? That’s the new player I was talking about!” Sammy exclaims. “We literally talked about this before we got here.”

“I was nervous! I don’t remember things when I get nervous.”

“Did you say anything embarrassing to him?”

“I mean, I basically told him that he didn’t seem like the management type? Because he said he was only technically a coworker of yours.”

Sammy snorts. “Oh my god, I can’t believe you told him that to his face.”

“How was I supposed to know?” Eva exclaims. “And I wasn’t wrong, was I? He isn’t the management type.”

“God, I can’t wait to tell everyone about this,” Sammy says, laughing.

“I’m making such a bad first impression,” Eva groans.

“No, I promise this will only make everyone love you more.”

“Whatever you say,” Eva replies skeptically.

Fortunately, the day passes in a much less embarrassing fashion for Eva. She manages to avoid Dougie the rest of the time she’s there, not wanting to address how badly she made a fool of herself. Normally, Eva likes to think she’s more put together than this, but something about it just makes her feel awkward.

“So, what did you think?” Sammy asks as they head out.

“It was fun,” Eva answers. “Still can’t believe I made a fool of myself in front of Dougie, though.”

“Honestly, I don’t think it’s really going to be that big of a deal. I don’t think he’s the type of player to get mad about someone not recognizing him.”

“Oh, well, that’s good at least,” Eva jokes. “But then again, I doubt I’ll be seeing him again, so I guess I shouldn’t be too worried.”

“Bold of you to assume I’m not dragging you to another event soon.”

“Seriously? Why would you take me to another one of these?”

Sammy shrugs. “Patrick has never been too much of a fan of going and I don’t like going by myself. So, I’ll keep taking you until you get sick of it.”

Eva snorts. “Well, at least you’re being honest. It was fun today besides me being an actual idiot, so I guess I can tag along again. When’s the next thing?”

“We usually have something else when the preseason ends, so probably the end of September at some point. It’s much more relaxed since the players are usually off the walls with the energy to finally start the season again.”

“I won’t ever turn down the chance for decent free food, so count me in.”

“What do you need free food for? You earn just as much as Patrick and I combined in one year.”

“You’re not wrong, but it’s also a hold over from the college days. Some things just don’t change.”

Sammy just rolls her eyes in response. Once they get back to the apartment complex, Sammy drags Eva up to her apartment to tell Patrick about meeting Dougie. Eva is blushing out of pure embarrassment the whole time. She has a feeling that she’s not going to ever live it down, but she guesses there’s worse things to be teased about.

“For someone who’s so smart, I can’t believe you did that,” Patrick says, laughing.

“Oh my god, it’s not my fault half of these guys look exactly the same!” Eva exclaims. “And it’s not like it’s my job to know which one is which.”

“Well, you’re going to have to learn if you’re coming with me to more company events,” Sammy points out.

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Eva groans. “I take back my standing offer of going with you, you don’t deserve it anymore.”

“Sure, whatever you say,” Sammy says. “Besides, what happened to wanting free food?”

“No longer worth it,” Eva replies.

Patrick and Sammy laugh in reply. Eva just rolls her eyes.

“As much fun as I had today, I should probably head out. We have a huge project coming up at work and I know I’m going to be pulling more all-nighters than I want to admit,” Eva says.

“Alright, try to get some rest at least,” Patrick says.

“I’ll do my best,” Eva replies, as she heads out of the apartment.

The weeks pass by in a blur, especially since Eva gets swept up in project deadlines. Before she knows it, it’s the end of September and Sammy is dragging her to the season kickoff party. This time, it’s at a different player’s house, but the place is still as extravagant as the last one. Eva also had made sure to try and memorize a couple of players’ names and faces.

“Hey, it’s…Eva, right?” Dougie says, coming up to her and Sammy.

“Oh yes, that’s right,” Eva replies awkwardly. “And Dougie? Who doesn’t happen to work in management, but is instead a player?”

He snorts. “Yeah, that would be me. The guys still haven’t let me live that one down.”

“Glad I could provide some quality material,” Eva jokes.

“Don’t worry, I’ve made sure that she’s gotten some shit for it as well,” Sammy interjects. “Wanted to make sure the chirping was solid on both sides of it.”

Dougie laughs, and Eva feels herself warming a little at the sound. It’s a good laugh, and she feels a bit odd at admitting the fact. She shoves any thoughts of associating Dougie with being good or cute, not wanting to even go down that road.

“It seems like you’re settling in well,” Sammy says. “Is Raleigh everything you ever dreamed?”

“Ah yes, definitely living out all of my dreams here,” Dougie jokes, good-naturedly. “I do enjoy it here, though. I feel like it’ll be good.”

“Then it seems you and Eva are in the same boat,” Sammy replies. “She’s fairly new in town as well.”

“Oh? What brings you out here?” Dougie inquires.

“If y’all are going to bond over being the newbies, I’m going to go and get some food,” Sammy says, heading off.

Once she’s gone, Eva answers, “I moved out here for work, actually. Moved from Portland, Oregon, so it’s definitely a lot to get used to.”

“You really moved across the country for work?” Dougie says, a bit surprised.

“Yeah, I just…needed a scenery change and Raleigh was the first place that offered a decent job in a place I wasn’t completely opposed to moving to,” Eva explains. “I mean, it wasn’t hard to find computer engineering jobs, so I guess I was able to be a bit picky.”

“Computer engineering? I didn’t take you for the type,” Dougie teases.

“Oh my god, you’re not going to live me that down, are you?”

“The opportunity presented itself, and I didn’t want to pass it up. But seriously, that’s cool, even if I don’t understand what that even means.”

“It’s not much, we just help develop computer hardware and software. Most of the training is in electrical engineering anyways, so it’s not hard to adapt skills across the board.”

Dougie snorts. “It’s not much, she says. That’s still pretty impressive, Eva.”

“Well, thanks, I guess.”

“But I still can’t imagine why you chose Raleigh of all places. Why not New York or Seattle, or whatever? I feel like those places are more known for their tech industries.”

“Seattle was a little close to home for me, and I was also just tired of living in a big city, so moving to an even bigger city was out of the question.”

“That’s understandable, I guess.”

“So, I know you’re a new player here because Sammy mentioned it. But did you sign here or…I honestly have no idea how this works.”

“Nah, I was traded from Calgary.”

“…Is that in Canada?”

“Yeah, that’s in Canada,” Dougie replies, laughing.

“You’re going to chirp me about that too, aren’t you?” Eva groans.

“It’s only fair.”

“Did I miss Eva doing something dumb?” Sammy asks, coming back with a plate of food for herself and Eva.

“Yes, she didn’t know where Calgary is,” Dougie answers.

“Well, I can’t blame her for not knowing. It’s really not that remarkable,” Sammy retorts.

Dougie laughs again, and Eva feels herself blushing a little. He seems like a good person and definitely isn’t hard to look at. She tries to push those thoughts out of her head, knowing that if she manages to develop a crush on him, that it’ll go nowhere. The chances of anything happening between the two of them is slim at best.

“I’ll let the two of you continue enjoying the party, I’m going to go see how everyone else is doing,” Dougie says. “Hopefully I’ll see you later?”

“Oh, you definitely will,” Sammy says, rather ominously.

Dougie smiles, then heads off to where the food is located. Sammy immediately turns to Eva and raises an eyebrow.

“What?” Eva asks. “Do I have something on my face?”

“No, it just seems like the two of you were getting along pretty well.”

“I was just being polite,” Eva says indignantly.

“Uh huh, I’m sure that’s what was going on.”

“Oh my god, you’re the worst.”

“Look, if the two of you become friends, or maybe you know…exclusive, I’m taking all the credit.”

“Nothing is going to happen because we’ll only see each other at these events if I decide to keep coming.”

“Not if I have anything to do with it,” Sammy says, smiling brightly.

“I don’t like where this is going.”

“You’ll be thanking me later, Eva, I promise.”

[qupshalfempty]

Can I have a reader that has a crush on Ratchet and is really soft and nice but she thinks he would prefer someone strong and cool likely hr other Autobots so she acts all tough and it doesn’t go well and she ends up embarrassing herself. But he ends up telling her he likes the way she was because she is so caring and happy compared to his usual grumpy self. You don’t have to and sorry if this is too specific or weird. Thank you💕💕 and again you really don’t have to write this

I... Don't understand the concept of a drabble... I feel second hand embarrassment and have went all the way back to 6th grade writing this, thanks. Hope ya like it tho! And feel it too, curse you anon!

Ratchet and Cute! S/O One-Shot

Reader P.O.V.

I was sitting on the couch in the human area, lightly tapping my foot to the beat of Miko's drums. While watching Raf and Bee play against each other in some racing game, occasionally casting glances towards Ratchet's work station for the red and white bot. He's so focused on work that I'm sure he wouldn't notice, the other's I'm not so sure.

I've been trying to distract myself but can't, wondering if I should confess my feelings. But then I'm filled with doubt, an awful pit in my stomach just thinking about it. He'd prefer someone strong and able to take care of themselves if they ever got into trouble... Someone much cooler and forward than I am... Something much closer to home. And his distaste for humans makes it clear, he'd rather pursue an autobot.

I can't help but think about what could happen though, he's always much sweeter around me and towards me. He at least prefers my company and doesn't mind me around. I've got an idea...

...

Okay, okay... I got this. I was wearing a bomber jacket, some skinny jeans, and a flat brim ball cap. The clothes is what I thought would come of as cool and collected. So first step, wear something that makes you feel confident... Check? I'm scared out of my wits and feel uncomfortable. I wish I could go back inside and change, but Bee was already picking me up from my house. I walked to the yellow muscle car parked along the sidewalk. He made a couple beeps once I was close enough. Raf spoke out the rolled down window.

"He said he liked what you are wearing. What's the occasion?"

"Thanks," I said, sitting in the back seat with my bag propped against my leg in the floorboard. "And it's nothing special just felt like it." But oh it was for someone special. I couldn't believe I was doing this, but I couldn't back out now, not when I've never been this close before.

...

The base door slides open, Bee pulling up inside. He then parked and waited for us to get out before transforming, both him and Raf walking off to the human area. I look to my right and see Ratchet's red and white exterior, turned away from me, working on whatever he can occupy himself with. Which was a lot with this war happening.

I sighed, he was busy and probably wouldn't want to be interrupted. And so I waited with the other's, watching tv...

And waited.

And waited..

He's yawning, but went back to work.

So I waited...

...

He never stops working-!

Wait, he's walking away! Now's my chance!

"Oh uh hey! Ratchet!"

He turned, noticing me at the bottom of the stairs. A single optic ridge raised, waiting for me to continue once I stopped staring.

"Uh can we talk?"

"Yes, follow me."

He voice without thought. Weird... But I trekked after him anyway, back to his med bay he had installed since both the bots and Raf getting hurt. It'd be more private, just the two of us... Don't think about that. But it was too late, I was already flushed from my face to my ears.

Luckily, when we entered the med bay Ratchet had his back turned to me, looking at his medical counter for something. I was rooted in my spot, scratch my arm and staring off awkwardly. I got to focus if I'm going to get anywhere!

I stood up tall, took a deep breath and readied myself for what I was about to do.

"So what's wrong?"

"Huh?"

"I'm assuming it's a medical issue? I don't have the knowledge of human anatomy to help, but we have nurse June and I can give you general advice."

Oh... oh. That's what he thought. But now's my chance.

"Now, I'm going to write down your symptoms-"

"Well I have sweaty palms and a flushed face, I think I got them from you."

He looked taken aback before his face contorted into confusion.

"Cybertronians don't get sick like regular humans and can't pass sickness' on to organics. I'm also not sick!"

"Should I take your temperature? Y-you're looking hot today!"

"I'm not sick!"

"Wanna go study some anatomy?"

"No, but I should study psychology in order to figure out what's going on in your head!"

"I-.. I..." I had nothing, any other pick up line I googled beforehand flew out one ear. That's it, I'm busted. I hoped this would've went more smoothly, and that Ratchet was holding me in his servos but I've made myself a complete fool.

"Now, what's going on!?" He was leaning to the side with his servos on his hips. He had both optic ridges furrowed, looking confused but demanding an answer.

"I... I just..." I sighed, and took a deep breath. "I really like you, a lot. I thought I could tell you some pick up lines to get you to realize that... But I probably should've saved myself the embarrassment-"

And he laughed, wholeheartedly laughed. A servo on where his stomach would be and his head tilted back, mouth wide open. I would've been staring in admiration if he wasn't laughing mockingly. Tears welled up in my eyes. I made a move towards the door, knowing he doesn't want me here-

"Yes, you should've saved yourself the embarrassment. Because I favor you too."

I quickly snapped in his direction, my eyes wide and staring on his face for any hint of a joke. He was just staring with a soft smile, his posture lax. He put the clipboard on the counter, not once taking his optics of me, and kneel before me.

"I really favor you, as you'd put it."

My face felt flushed, traveling up to my ears and down my neck... again. I felt like I was getting light-headed, or dreaming. But I didn't want to pinch myself and wake up just yet.

"Really?"

"Really."

I couldn't think of what to do or say, so I reach up and wrapped my arms around his neck cables. Burying my burning face into the side of his neck.

"Thank you thank you thank you thank you-!"

"O-okay, that's enough."

He didn't push me away though, instead wrapping his own arms around my small form. I started nuzzling my face into the side of his neck, feeling heat start radiating off his body. This was a dream come true!

"Okay, s-stop that." A chill went up his spine, gently shaking me. I giggled and finally let go, he still had his arms around me. I leaned back to look at his face, his regularly red helm was covered in blue and optics softly gazing back into my eyes. I wished this moment could last forever. That was, before he broke the silence and whispered.

"Is that why you wore.. that?"

I felt my face blush for the umpteenth time, he's really going to start thinking I'm running a fever now.

"You noticed?"

"I never fail to. Or the rather confident strut you performed today..."

He had a teasing smirk, something I'd have never seen nor expected from the bot I'm deeply in love with already. I sighed, thinking back to all the buildup of the last week or so. Especially yesterday and today.

"I.. thought that you'd like someone more confident and brave and... cooler than me. Someone more, well..." I cast my gaze down when he raised an optic ridge at me. "More.. bot like."

"I like the way you act, I like who you are." He said, tenderness in his voice and an emphasis on the word you. "You're so caring for others and such a light in this darkened base, in this war altogether. If a light was to go out, we'd have you around to shine for us."

Halfway through I was already blushing again and decided to just nuzzle my head into his neck again. He brought a servo up to cradle my head.

"Thank you."

I cried then, letting the tears flow freely down. Racing each other down his cables, giving him more chills.

"I hope you never feel that way again. I won't let you feel that way again."

With the determination in his voice, I believed him. Wholeheartedly.

[abella19r-blog]

First Entry

the last couple years I have been writing on a notebook, I decided to be brave and let the world read my thoughts. I love to write, since I was a little girl I enjoy the time expressing my thoughts in paper. Today I want to write about Postpartum depression. its pretty serious ladies, I didn't had this problem with my son, but after I have my daughter I didn't know it was possible. the first 3 months was great I felt relaxed and excited having a daughter In my life especially that she is too attached to me. she always stops crying when she is around me. but there is a negative part of this story when I went back to work my husband was telling me is been hard taking care of her, she will cry all day she will literally starve all day wouldn't let my husband feed her, I thought is because she didn't like the nipple of the bottle so I bought a bottle that is similar to the nipple. I when I feed her with the bottle she had no problem, so I went back to work believing she will eat . but the thing is she will starve all day again when my husband tries to feed her . so  i thought it was a phase. but when I went to my daughters 4 months physical check up she only gain a pound I mean a pound in  two months, she went from a 33% tile to below 16% of weight since I went back to work. so I started stressing myself over, I talked to H.R about the situation they Told me I should have time I can use but its not pay of 3 months. so ever time she starved all day I will take the next day off to feed her and just take that no pay day. but then I got call from the disability company that I dont have any more time, someone misinformed me about the 3 months period, I explained about my situation but they informed I used up all my time from the FMLA before I had my daughter and they include that but it doesn't make sense because that was last year not this year. I tried to understand that, but what can I do next. what's my next move..... so I talked to my HR begged them to get me to work at home I have been trying to work at home over a year, but for some reason there is always a time I am not able to get it. Ofcourse even though I explain my situation they couldn't do that for me. so the last couple of weeks I have been thinking thoroughly what to do?, what can I do?, what are my options? my thoughts for the last couple weeks were either starve my daughter and have benefits for my son who has Autism(I will explain that later) or leave my job and my son doesn't get the benefits.... OH God I have been stressing out I haven't been eating. and what makes it worse is my manager really stress me out, I can't show emotions, manager got too sensitive when I mention breastfeeding, all I ask her if I can go take my break to pump the milk the woman yelled me telling me its unprofessional. lets just say she makes it is worse. Plus the job is stressful dealing with people yelling at you all the time really gets a toll on you. I Put up for it for my family. they motivated me to deal with it, try to numb my emotions from the job. The sad thing about this story is I had to go to my primary doc to help me with my situations because I have been feeling worse, it got to the point where I thought of hurting myself just stop the pain, but I didn't because I didn't want to be selfish and leave my husband behind with  kids, plus not having my kids grow up without a mother, that what pushed me to get help, my DOC prescribe me something that is safe to breastfeed. my husband talked to me after he saw me not eating not getting up in bed for days, asking me if I am ok. he told me if you are not happy with this situation you should quit.  So the last couple days I have been applying for just work at home jobs got couple interviews. been off from work for almost a week and I feel so much better . I still feel stress couple times but I am not starving myself all day. that's the positive side of it. and I believe writing this will help me feel better with my decision plus expressing my feelings on typing. But to all the other going through Postpartum depression, is a very serious subject please talk to somebody, please see your doctor they will help you, like they helped me a little.  you will be surprise how many women now days go through this. we has women need to stick together, because we all go through different situations, we all go through different emotions we can't explain, we just feel. I pray I get a job where I can work at home be with my kids and be at peace with my life that's all I am asking. 

[terresdebrume]

Random rambling about a random day

So today was A Day You know when you do a thing you were totally capable of doing before and then your body is like ‘you’re turning thirty next year you numbnugget’? Yeah, that’s me this week. Actually, that’s been me since last Thursday, when I stayed up until 3am ish to write The space between, and then proceeded to send what little was left of my sleep schedule straight to the trash can. To be fair, my working hours just do not work for my natural rhythm. The most refreshing time of my existence was right after I came back from visiting Fel in Korea, when I’d gotten in the habit of being in bed by nine and waking up before seven (no forced methods necessary, it just felt like the right thing to do). This worked because, at the time, my at-work work day started around 10am and ended at 5:30pm, which allowed me to be home by 6pm and do all extraneous work on weekdays before I got to the workplace. (Also I had less teaching hours, which takes a buttload of work off your shoulders, let me tell you.) Unfortunately, I specialize in teaching younger students, who are in after-after-school-classes-classes when they come with us, which means the earliest of them start as 5pm. And I have to be available for them. So I’m stuck with that for the foreseeable future, unless the new boss decides to stop the children’s classes entirely (they are, apparently, not profitable enough). And I mean, I love teaching the kids’ classes, but boy does that make me tired xD

Which is honestly 98% of the reason why today was A Day: I went to work  without my wallet, then came home to get it back because, although a  friend lent me some money for the day, I wouldn’t have been able t  afford lunch and my journey to and from my physiotherapist appointment. I  got home, had lunch, got in a tuktuk to the physiotherapist’s and then   realized my appointment is actually tomorrow. And I couldn’t change my   destination because the driver spoke no English and I couldn’t think of how to express what was happening in Khmer at that moment. (I did, obviously, figure it out right as the tuktuk was leaving, after I paid :P) Then  I got back to work and, because I’d been away longer than planned or   necessary, I had to finish a thing I’d planned to finish earlier,   meaning I didn’t have time to prepare my kids’ class (which I guess is   one more reason why I should try to do that on the weekends/in the   morning but that’s my free/sleeping time, NO) so I had to improvise 1h30  of class which was...interesting. I’m just glad I have a couple   time-consuming rituals and their languages skills are small enough to   make any new activity a bit of an ordeal (so anyway, they learned the   word ‘and’ and how to pronounce a bunch of letters combos that they   didn’t know before, so there’s that). The strange thing is, I’m   super tired (and should be in bed rn but I got home past 8pm which means  I haven’t even had two hours of post-work leisure time yet so we’ll   deal for another couple minutes) but at the same time I’m proud of   myself because I managed to improvise in a constructive and somewhat   interesting way! We’ve been doing a lot of talking about kids’ classes   these days because up until now the motto was ‘who cares about writing, we want to make them want to keep going with french’ which was cool but  also led to some problems...and anyways, the new (well, he’s been here  for nearly six-ish months now so…) boss wants to introduce written   French in these classes. Meaning I’m experimenting a ton of new stuff  with my classes (I have a double level this session! it’s exhausting! And complicated! But I’m managing! it’s doing me a proud!) and setting things up in a more efficient way! Which I have to say is doing   wonder for my self esteem and ego. Like, literally, this morning my   friend Julie called me organized which LOL, one more point in favor of   the fake it till you make it column xD Anyways, I don’t know,   this post suddenly just turned into ‘things I want to do at work this   year’ and I’m not sure how but I’ll take it. One of my medium-length   term projects (in between putting money on the side to visit trovia this  summer) is to invest in a school supplies box of wonder for myself and  my class. I get MAJOR envy whenever I see people post pictures of their  classroom which is THEIRS and they have all the material needed and  whatnot! And I’m not planning on bringing everything I need to work with  myself but I’m tired of always having to split insufficient material  between three classes (because HR gripes about buying scissors for the  kids to often but apparently okayed a new TV screen for the lobby, which  I’m a little salty about) and so I figure if I could just make sure I  always have:

  1 mini whiteboard (whatever you call these in English, I don’t feel like looking it up rn) per student

1 whiteboard marker per student (I actually had that at one point   until I forgot to ask for them back one too many time (or someone needed  to borrow one idk) because I tend to pick up the ones my colleagues   don’t use anymore and they’re refillable which is good enough for what I  do with them)

1 box of color pencils per student (or at least, per two students)

1 pencil, eraser, pair of scissors, stick of glue, pencil sharpener and black pen per student

My  life as a teacher would be that much easier and less stressful tbh. Not  to mention I might get work to pay for some of that, which would be  double nice, but I’m not counting on it too much. I’m just tired of   having to ruffle through my own cases and realize I keep losing stuff   because the kids plain don’t remember to hand things back and I don’t   remember to ask for it often enough. (Also I don’t want to deal with the hassle of fighting a ten years old who doesn’t even seem to realize  that ‘his’ marker is the freaking marker he forgot to hand back, I know  because I remember the use patterns on that one). Anyway what I  get from this post so far is I’m tired (which I knew) and more than a  little anal when it comes to work and I let myself indulge in it (which I  did not know for many years but am more and more acutely aware of, and  also I might make a post specifically about that) and all semblance of  coherence flies right out the window as soon as I’m not a) at work or b)  writing—and even then, sometimes it’s a tenuous grasp. Man am I rambly. Oh  well. Maybe one day I’ll talk about work more, it’ll do me some good to  reflect on my methods and/or brag about my progresses in organizational  skills. In the meantime, I’m gonna sign off and go collapse on my best  for a while—kudos to anyone who read that far, and see you all later. Also, reminder to self: I need to signal boost a thing from DW sometimes this week. Maybe tomorrow morning.

[mtnkat3]

3.47pm

What a difficult time ..

I pray you .. all are doing ok.

My therapy..counseling.. whatever ya wanna call it. Was good. But difficult & made me think. My counselor is teaching me emdr skills & techniques, such as a container. And also asking me the hard questions. Such as why do I need the relationship with my mom. She is toxic to me. She is the root of all my issues. I've been looking for a bond with her my whole life that's never gonna be there. My sisters get her affections, but even that's not a good parental relationship. But I traded her tyranny for wh. And yeah, even though I've been writing in my journal & using the skills today.. this still makes me teary. Feeling unvalued by a parent really has a devastating impact on a soul. There's never gonna be validation there. And honestly, I need to get my worth from God. Because He Created me to be just as I am. He has the purest love for me. I have value. I am worthy. To be loved. I am a good woman. I am not less.. I am not a whore. Yes. It's been a difficult one for me. ... I didn't get the things done I needed to today. Because.. wh also in a mood. So when I got back..here, I realized just how much a negative impact ...here..is. I literally felt my whole body tense, my guts clench & just awful the last couple of turns until driveway. It has been quiet though. Chuckle. I wrote several entries in my diary, to remember, record, deal. And then I went to utilize the skills. At which point my body decided that I had had enough, I napped for ~1½hrs. I really don't like such, but I think it was needed to cope. To heal. I was feeling you during this time. Thank you. I love you. Bowed head. I will get away from wh & his toxicity, but I am still trying to figure out.. does God want me to totally remove myself from my blood family.. it hurts. Wobbly. It really hurts. But.. I will not be broken by someone who hasn't the ability to love me. When she is supposed to. My gosh, it's my biggest fear! If God so blesses me.. I do not want to be anything like her! A mother .. is supposed to love .. bowed.. teary wobbly. Yes. I gotta work on this. It's the root. Yeah... I knew this was gonna rip me up to write.

I have been feeling you.. I feel your love & arms wrapped around me as I deal. It gave me solace in the midst of my storm. My safe harbor. As I pray that I'm giving you the same..

I pray that you are ok.. that life & work stresses aren't bogging you down. Just know.. I love you. As you are. And I miss you .. fiercely.

I will get thru this. Get back on my life's righteous woman path. The one God Created me to have after strengthening me thru such..

Because I believe.

In God's Plans, Hands, Wisdom & Love.

That He has Created a magical & beautiful love story..

I believe wholeheartedly.

I will work this mtn crooked path..

As I work.. I await.. God. You ...

~True love never dies & true love always waits.~

Your humbled, bowed, listening quietly, loving, caring, complex, warrior queen daughter.

~Tijgeress kat Phoenix. 🌺

😥😖🤓👩🧘‍♀️⚓🙏🙇‍♀️☔🌂🔗

💡⛓🧰⚙⚒🛠⚔⚖🗽

🐯🐾🐐🦉🐢🐛🦋🌱🌺🌹🌻🌷🌳🧶🧵

🥧🍁🧣🥾🥤🍋🍯🍼🍫🥮🍎🍑🍒

⌚⚡🌠🚀🗝🔱⚜💝🐻🦌🧩♠️♾🎯🕯🎶💋

M.10.24.2022 5.41pm est.

[anne1066-blog]

30th January 2019

This is a new idea that Jane suggested because I have various things niggling at the moment and I can’t quantify them.  So this is a very private blog diary just monitoring how I’m feeling and where I’m at.  I might share it with friends or I might not.  Why put it on a public platform?  Well pressing post makes you really feel you’ve set the feelings free and put it out there even if no one actually reads it.  It worked for me before when I was getting a load of stuff out of my system regarding a failed engagement, cheating and a pretty intense relationship with a much older man who had 3 children.

Where am I at today?  Bloody knackered.  I’ve basically called in sick all week with a recurrence of a cold that didn’t have major symptoms but made me feel crappy and subhuman.  I’ve fought through it a bit to work in extreme cold and also to go an a weekend with friends in York which of course I did enjoy but I also didn’t enjoy it as much as I should have.  It felt way too short.  I need a get away from my life at the moment.  There are a lot of hard decisions to face and I know I’m not managing them all that well.

So to recap what got me to where we are today:

In 2014 I moved to Oxfordshire to set up a cheesemaking dairy.  It was a brand new start for me and had the promise to be an exciting chapter in my life.  I learned a lot from it  - how to plan a new building specifically for a cheesemaking facility, how to find the site, plan the layout, source the milk, decide on a marketable recipe, build a brand (not the first time I’d been involved in branding to be fair) and not least but troubleshoot a recipe which ended up being the achilles heel. As it turned out the milk production standards weren’t really up to the recipe we wanted to make.  After months of cheese we didn’t want to sell, I was made redundant. I don’t want to be bitter but I feel there were some bad commercial decisions made by my business partner who was meant to be in charge of sales.  She charged ahead with full scale production when the cheese wasn’t good enough to sell at full price and she also gave away vast amounts of cheese which could have been sold for at least a price that covered costs.  All of this lead to a financial crisis and that was it - I was gone.

Before that happened, I had what had was a life changing holiday around the world which happened just as the cheesemaking dairy was opening and needing to go into production - it was 6 months over schedule. It was a revelation though.  I flew to countries I had never visited and had to negotiate them by myself.  I had a couple of days in Dubai, flew through Singapore (never left the airport to be fair so it doesn’t really count), flew on to Australia and from there to New Zealand after a very brief overnight stay in a hotel near the airport and from there after driving solo around South Island to Sydney, the Cook Islands, Santa Monica, San Francisco and then home.  It took 6 weeks and it really made me feel confident; not least because after years of being invisible to any guys out there but I got attention in every place I touched down in - some rather more meaningful than others to be fair. In Dubai, I connected with our desert tour guide who was a worker from Pakistan living in the UAE (not Dubai it’s far too expensive but the more restrictive Sharjah where women’s rights are quite seriously undermined).  He was an outsider but loved the desert and remembering the way the Namib desert had made me feel many years ago, so did I.  Our fellow travellers were good time tourists so there seemed a contrast between them enjoying the desert safari tourist activities and me just enjoying the culture of the country and the stillness of the desert.  i know that makes me sound extremely up myself but I can’t think of another way to describe it.  He asked me out on a date which never happened and in retrospect that was a good thing.  I would never have realised that things like holding hands with a potential romantic partner are forbidden in Dubai nor would I have realised that normal activities like kissing a first date can actually get you taken to prison.  After Dubai, I flew to New Zealand but happened to talk to my co passenger on the flight to Adelaide and have a very interesting conversation about colonialism and England’s position in Australia - not heavy - we joked about it - food for thought all the same which s the point of travel after all.  In New Zealand, I met up again with lovely friends I hadn’t seen for years and also met up with my sister and her boyfriend and my friend Cathi’s family who welcomed us as part of their big, lovely family too. It was an amazing time to feel so incredibly accepted and welcomed. And again I connected with someone, my friend’s older brother (also the only other single person there - I may have decided unlike me to flirt a bit with him as we were the only singletons there).  He was a lovely, funny, warm guy who as a chef was a great person to cook with and this was an area we had in common.  After the wedding ended and we moved on to normal life (him) and the rest of my holiday (me) we stayed facebook friends and he often is one of the first people to like my posts even to this day because he’s a genuinely great person. In Sydney, i went out to dinner with my uber glamorous friend Cristiana and because she’s open, chatty and lovely we ended up on a communal table in a restaurant when we went out for a meal and she got involved in conversation with a noisy group of guys sat to our left.  One of them was looking at me and when I went for a ‘comfort break’ he actually approached Cris to say I was lovely and ask who I was! From Sydney I flew to the Cook Islands where I met a lovely lady (not in thet way) who invited me to go swimming with her family after the kids got back from school and who took me down the road to my hostel to collect my swimming things on her motorbike.  My first time on a motorbike and frankly a bit terrifying.  I also get ogled which hadn’t happened in let’s say about 20 years in London.  In San Francisco, a waiter who I had quizzed about local cheeses and wines slipped me his telephone number on my bill.  I didn’t find it until I sorted my receipts back in the UK and hadn’t fancied him anyway so just as well but all helps the ego doesn’t it?  Especially when you’re over 40 at the time and have resigned yourself to no one finding you attractive anymore.

Anyway so that’s my trip and there was so much more too that I don’t have time to write about. The key thing is that I came back feeling much more empowered and confident.  I had travelled the world by myself and not only that but after years feeling invisible I had finally felt attractive again.  Boosted by this, I decided to take action, try internet dating again and this time I actually met someone.  I was a bit concerned about meeting him - he was openly into kink and sexual things I wasn’t experienced in but as well as that he was warm, made me laugh and I was interested.  I wasn’t openly attracted to him when we met.  There was certainly something there - we had been very open when messaging and honest and I fancied his personality but as usual on a first internet date, the nerves kicked in and it was difficult when we first said hello to feel anything much.  I knew that would happen though so when I couldn’t think of anything to say to him and he moved in for a reassuring hug, I decided to turn it into a chemistry test and effectively snogged his face off for about 90 minutes until our table reservation was ready.  That certainly broke the ice so conversation flowed more easily afterwards and I made moves to go back with him to his place after the meal where I could test the theory further.  I was relieved and rather pleased to find that the attraction wasn’t just based on text messages and being a gentleman he also drove me home and stayed in touch afterwards.  We met up a few times and eventually decided to get together.  I would never have had the courage to do this if I hadn’t had my empowering holiday and since we’re still together despite the odds 4 years later it was definitely a good move.  

However this was all very new when I was made redundant. He assured me he wouldn’t be going anywhere but it was too soon to move in together so I moved all my 3 bedroom house’s worth of belongings back to my parents’ house in Marple and looked for a job. I emailed anyone I could think of to explain I was looking for work and found somewhere in London that seemed a great match.  It was with a Spanish importer looking to improve their cheese maturation and whose owner I had worked with before  when setting up Borough Market in London.

Unfortunately although the interview went well, the owner wanted to work with me and my references thought it was a given, I failed their HR tests and I have to be honest it knocked my confidence extremely badly. I took another job that seemed exciting and had been a second choice due only to location - north Yorkshire, a long way away from the lovely new boyfriend.

I worked with them for 3 months before again, redundancy. This time, they great ideas they had had for expansion which I was a key part of, had to be put on hold because of a disastrous Christmas in which various storms flooded large parts of the north of England and cut into their sales. By this time, I had bought a house nearby and now had to find a new job and work out what to do with a house I had hoped to make a home.

Initially I had looked to resurrect the house which had at the time all the hallmarks of having been owned by an elderly couple who loved it and had also done nothing to it since probably the 1960s in a way i would live in.  The plans changed to make it something that could be sold or rented and without wishing to be dramatic, with that a little bit of me died at losing my home.

I didn’t wallow though, there was work to be done.  The house needed substantial work including rewiring, replastering, a new kitchen and new decorating and floors throughout.  By the time it was finished it was actually rather lovely.  I felt sad that i wasn’t going to live in the results of our work and sad that I wouldn’t be living in a beautiful part of the country. Actually I felt very sad not to be living in a house whose renovations I had initially begun with a view to making it my home. But again I had been looking around for another job although with a heavier heart this time.  Being knocked back 3 times will do that to you. This time I had a message from a friend who makes cheese in Suffolk and her cheeses are extremely well regarded so helping her albeit on a basis that wouldn’t be full-time seemed like a great idea.  We tried it out and she reckoned I could work 2-3 days a week although with some big changes to the recipe as she was currently making cheese at midnight and cat napping to accomodate the make schedule.

So I moved to Bungay in Suffolk.  It was different - flat lands where I am used to seeing hills, but it had an artistic, musical community and I  started to look at property prices again wondering about living there if the job worked out.

I had been there a month when Brexit happened.

My constituency was a big Brexit voting area.  I saw people in my local co op looking afraid when their children spoke polis to them.  I began to feel much less welcome myself.  It seemed there was a big difference between the artistic fringe in the area and the locals who resented anyone who moved in whether they were Polish or just from Marple.  I stopped feeling welcome.  I actually felt observed, scrutinised and as though I didn’t belong.  iI felt like Roystn Veasey.  ‘You’re not local are you?’

The vote itself upset me more than I realised it could.  I spent months watching the 2012 Olympics ceremony which was a celebration of multicultural Britain and crying my eyes out as racist hate crimes increased across the country and in he wake of right wing extremists killing the pro-Muslim MP Jo Cox.  During the football in the Europe that preceded the vote as violance and yobbishness hit 1908s levels among chants of ‘We’re leaving the EU and we don’t care’, I could see what the results of the vote were going to be.  An MP was murdered and my worst fears were confirmed.  And yet 52% of the country still cast their votes with a racist ideology and Nigel Fargae’s openly racist campaigning.  If I had been concerned about EU corruption and taking back control, his anti muslim poster and the rise of race crime before the referendum empowering racists to openly abuse people in public in a way they had not felt able to for over 30 years would have convinced me this vote was not going the way I hoped and I would have changed my mind.  I respect anyone who did this and I can not forgive anyone who didn’t.

[drybonesawaken]

A group of people wanted to share a journal together. So this week, I've been journaling (almost) every day, and tomorrow I'm gonna be passing it onto the next person.

It was kinda fun. Bit scary to put my thoughts out there - but not that bad tbh. I figured since I am not gonna keep the journal I should transcribe my thoughts somewhere, so here they are.

Yes, the math bits were included in the journal when I wrote. Just something fun I did. You can try to figure out if it means anything if you want :)

-

Maple 3.27.21

I don't like journaling .-. mah handwriting sucks, and pen ink takes too long to dry. Apologies If any of this page is smudged as a result ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And no, Maple does not use anything but pen. When mistakes are made, and trust they will definitely be made, you see a lot of bleh <- that. I also missed like three words in the previous sentence, but it's messy to try to go back and put them in :( this is the consequence of writing when brain is running at negative mph... This may be two paragraphs of nothing, but honestly that's how my day goes, usually. Right now I'm listening to this audiobook to fill up my brain and stop it from thinking. It's quite interesting. I read the book back in middle school, and it's taking me on a trip down memory lane. I was listening to this earlier while playing tetris, too. I'm joining a tetris tournament tomorrow, so I've been grinding this week. Hopefully it goes well! It's funny how I spend so much time playing this game which means so little - but somehow, I find fulfillment in the emptiness that it brings me. Breaking personal records is such a meaningless ordeal, but somehow it's something I strive so hard to do. These days, PBs come once every couple of months. It's not worth it.

-

Maple 3.28.21

Today felt like I did everything and nothing all at the same time. I found out I don't like tetris tournaments. I hung out with some friends. I ate a big dinner. I made some choices I highkey regretted, yet couldn't stop myself from making in the moment. I spent some time sulking over said mistakes by cuddling with roommate. Very thankful for him - I definitely make him so uncomfortable LOL but he puts up with it because he knows touch is my love language. I was debating for awhile today over what I should eat for dinner (or breakfast or lunch or whatever you want to call it :') ) and I realized what I wanted to eat most was my own cooking. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling like cooking, so I had to settle for something else, but this was kind of a wake up call: when's the last time I cooked for myself? hmmm... It's also at the same time pretty cool because less than a year ago, I was still at a place where I strongly disliked my cooking and only ate it because I had to. Crazy how things can change in just a year - my culinary skills must have improved a lot over last summer... I really need to get my car tires fixed tomorrow. I have time tomorrow. I had better go. If I don't, my car is gonna break.

How does one stop beating themselves up for their mistakes? I don't struggle with forgiveness, but oh how I struggle with forgiving myself...

1 + 2 = 4 = 2

-

Maple 3.30.21

Yesterday, we had to record something for Easter that took forever. It was not fun. I kept messing up. And my perfectionist self kept blabbering about wanting to redo certain things. Everyone was tired - it went so long - some people had exams; I can only imagine how annoying it must have been to hear me complaining about doing things again, and yet - and I hate myself for this - I couldn't help but keep bringing it up. Of course, being unsatisfied with the way I played, I volunteered to patch things up in post production. *sigh*, what a mistake that ended up being. Afterwards, I was tired and wanted to go home. Yet, because someone asked, and I guess I was a bit hungry, I decided to go get food with Junshik and Bryan. My ulterior motive was to talk to Bryan about buying cars, so I guess that worked out. But yikes, I only got 7 hours of sleep last night. - Today sucked. I'm realizing more and more that part of depression is the complete dependence on sleep. When I get not enough sleep, I'm not just fatigued: my life is just hell. I straight up no-showed to a meeting and apologized for it 8 hours after the fact (my excuse was that I feel asleep. Wow, something so embarrassing most people would find an excuse for it has now become my go to excuse. Rip). Went to a meetup because I didn't want to cancel - again - so that was fun (sorry if you're reading this. I lied when I said that I was ok :/). Life group was great I wanted to die but I was leading worship so I couldn't just leave. And oh yeah I just spent the last 4 hours after life group mixing that audio clip because stupid ol' me volunteered to do it asap yesterday. Tomorrow will be fun. I have 7 meetings/meetups from 9am to 8pm. I wonder how many I'll cancel last minute, or straight up skip...? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I hate ______.

-

Maple 3.31.21

9am to 8pm today was rough. It's kinda crazy - when I wake up, I knew it wasn't gonna be a good day...but I really needed it to be at least an okay day. And I think I somehow willed that into existence :O I need to try this again sometime. Didn't cancel or skip a single thing today! (Praise God!!!) After my meetings all ended, I had to tutor for another 3 hours until 11:30, too. That was draining. I also pranked a friend today - told her I was dating right after midnight. Oh I love April Fools. She's the only one I can consistently troll year after year. I also spent a considerable amount of time after midnight trying to figure out how to script Audacity in Python. Useless, sure, but it could save us sound people a couple of minutes every Sunday if I figure it out. This is what my degree is for :') Sleep is going to feel so good tonight.

5 + 4 - 7 = 2 + 1 11 + 1 + 1 - 1 = 6 4 + 2 = 3 5 = 2 + 2 - 3 5 = 4 - 1 - 2

-

Maple 4.2.21

I think my handwriting is getting better with this almost-daily practice =) This whole week has been busy-ness from when I wake up to when I go to bed. Hung out with people yesterday for the first time this week, and it was pretty tiring. I can't say I regret it though; I had a lot of fun and learned a lot about certain people. Recently, I've been noticing that people can tell when I'm tired a lot more obviously - someone on worship team who I only interact with on Sundays literally called me out for it. I'm finding that it just sort of slips onto my face, in such a way that I don't notice and can't even recognize it: I'm shocked every time it happens. Maybe it's because I've lost the will to live, so the lack of will to hide it came alongside as well. I accidentally let it slip that I've been brain empty to worship team today, and now there are even more people worried for me, some of whom I barely know. I'm such a burden :( Brain empty is honestly such a mood though. I have too many problems and not enough will to confront them. Better to just avoid. Yeah yeah yeah this is not healthy I know. I'll save doing things the healthy way for tomorrow :')

1 + 1 = 4 + 3 + 2 + 1 8 = 7 6 - 5 = 10 + 1 1 + 2 = 1 - 1

-

Maple 4.3.21

Today was supposed to be a more chill day, but it really wasn't... Forced myself to get out of bed for a meetup rather than cancel it. I think if I had cancelled it, everything else I had to do today would have followed suit shortly after.... It ended up being a 2-hour meetup, straight into 2.5 hours of tutoring. As much as they might have been pretty ok tbh, I can't say I enjoyed it. I was so dead afterwards. I wanted to cancel my dinner meetup so bad. But I had already gone shopping earlier today (during the first meetup) so that I could cook for him. And I knew if I cancelled it'd be another week before I'd have a chance. The food would have gone bad. So following 2 tilt-inducing matches of tetris which were supposed to be stress relieving (they were not), commenced 2 hours of cooking, followed by a 3.5 hr meetup. It was... haha... Did I enjoy it? Yup. Did I have a hella-thick mask on the whole time? Also yup. I'm so ready for a long hot shower and an early bedtime. Tomorrow is Easter. I'm not feeling very victorious...

1 + 2 = 4 - 1 1 + 1 - 1 + 1 = 1 1 + 2 + 3 - 4 = 4 - 1 - 2 + 1

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 032121

21 March, 2021

Dear Dad--

Happy Sunday to you. I got the casino job! Well, I provisionally got the casino job! They’ve decided they’d like to “move forward,” and are now going to crawl up my butt with a microscope and make sure that I’m not someone with a shady past or nefarious intentions. I had to fill out a very long application to be a licensed gaming employee in the state, and I had to answer a question about whether I am a fugitive from justice! I will be fingerprinted at some point. I had to give a list of identifying scars and tattoos. I had to consult the internet to find my eye color because I don’t know what damn color my eyes are. (The internet indicated that my eyes are either blue, blue-gray, green, gray-green, blue-green, hazel, or gray, which I think is just about all of them.) I take it for granted that I may be working in the casino, or taking a break and sitting somewhere eating a sandwich, and someone might push a cart past me with a million dollars on it. Whenever that’s the case, I assume my employers will have real firm opinions about how money is handled, and security, and making sure the employees aren’t wanted felons, etc.

So I did okay on the phone interview, except for the question about Microsoft Excel, which is the industry standard for making spreadsheets. So I brushed up on Excel, to make sure I’d be able to answer the question if it came up again. He brought it up again, and I was able to answer the question correctly this time. This established that I am both conscientious and resourceful, dammit. They pointed out a few nice things about working there. Firstly, they have food events, where I can come and eat. Second, they have an enormous parking garage. This is mostly to benefit the customers, but it also means you won’t end a long day of work and have to remove a foot of snow from your car before you can go home. They also said that, if I was done working and it was snowing so hard that it wasn’t safe to go home, they could give me a room in the hotel for the night.

As I may have mentioned, this job is all about doing audits and other daily tasks to, I guess, make sure all the dollars are present and correct and law-abiding. I’m a compliance person! Assuming I sail through all the background stuff, I’ll help make sure the casino is in compliance with federal this and local that and state this and corporate that. They’ll train me. I predict several possible outcomes.

1. Within my first week, I have a heart attack while at work, causing me to fart loudly and repeatedly. It becomes known as Rick’s Fart Attack, and after recovering, I can never look anyone in the eye again, and I have to leave the company in shame. Also I’ll be unable to understand or remember anything they try to teach me. And they find out that I tried acid back in 1990.

2. I do okay, everyone is satisfied, I work there till I’m 70 and retire. No Nobel Prize for Compliance, but no fart attacks.

3. I do exceptionally well. I learn the stuff as quickly as they expect me to. I am able to achieve the accuracy they seek. They appreciate my pragmatism and my bourgeois sweaters. I become a valuable asset to them; they seem to like me. Next time my birthday comes around, at the cake cutting, no fewer than six people slip me folded pieces of paper saying they appreciate my work style, and my George Clooney salt and pepper hair, and would I like to visit the casino bar for a pre-coital alcoholic beverage, and then get a good hard auditing from Rick, the new compliance guy, just in case I’m interested.

I really don’t know what outcome I’m going to achieve here. Obviously, the work isn’t going to be too action-packed. It’s auditing, and I’m told to expect repetition. (That’s good; I take comfort in shit like that.) I just hope I don’t screw up anything I can’t fix, and they’re good at training, and that, in the end, I’ll have a workplace I don’t dread going to. I’ll like my coworkers, maybe make a new friend or two. I’ll make enough money that I can pay rent and not have to eat cat food.

I wonder how long it’s going to take them to figure out that I have no aptitude for either drinking or gambling, I make sports bets about as often as I fly in the space shuttle, and I have no idea at all how craps works. The last time I went into a casino, I got $20 in quarters from a cashier before I learned that none of the slot machines take quarters any more. They took money straight off your debit card! Then you carried a balance, and when you wanted to leave one slot machine, it would print a little ticket that you could feed into the next slot machine that kept track of your balance. I had to take all my quarters back to the cashier and explain that I was an idiot, and could you take all these stupid quarters back, pretty please? That was in the Snoqualmie Casino in Washington State. (Their motto: We don’t know how to pronounce your name, either, tough guy) I didn’t win shit, but Zach won about a hundred bucks.

I filled out all my paperwork, including the 30-page gaming application, and some similar online forms. I need to go back in to get my photo taken and to get fingerprinted, but they are going to wait until the background check is done, so I’m just in a holding pattern now. Making sure I can dress in business casual for five days in a row without repeating pants (I cannot! Must attempt to increase my rate of, you know, pants. Fortunately, Zach and I have the same waist size and he’s given me a couple of pairs of work slacks he no longer needs.) Also I keep waiting to throw up. I always experience my tension in my stomach. It seems to happen every time I’m nervous about something, so...any time, sweetheart. Perhaps my body is waiting for the morning of Day 1. I shall remain vigilant.

I have to say, I felt comfortable in the casino offices where I had my interviews and started the HR shit. Since it’s called the Hollywood Casino, the theme is movies, so all the walls have framed movie posters in them. I saw a poster for The Manchurian Candidate. The guy who interviewed me was named Rick, and was a doughy, bespectacled honky like myself. When I got the job at Penquis, and I went in for training, I was in a room with a dozen women and no other men. I’m fine with that in theory, but in practice, it leaves me feeling a bit like a stranger in a strange land. Everyone at the casino looked like me, in a way I found reassuring, whether younger, or older, or female. I just felt a bit more at home there. Hope that feeling lasts. Also this pays better than the Penquis job did.

Not sure what I’m going to do today. Because I’m about to start a new job, it should make my remaining hours at home more special, which usually results in me cleaning something that doesn’t get cleaned as often as it should, like the bathtub. Also, we keep getting overflown by bald eagles, and I’m determined to get a picture of one. This is going to end up being a lot more difficult than it was to photograph a hummingbird, even though the eagle is so much bigger and slower. Hummingbirds like to come to my hummingbird feeder and light for a few seconds, during which you can snap a few easy photographs. We’ve seen a dozen bald eagles, but they’re always flying past, on their way somewhere. Sometimes they’re being harassed by groups of other birds. I need an eagle to stop by for a visit and sit someplace, photogenically, for a minute before it leaves, so I can get a few pictures. Otherwise it’s just going to be a picture of a sky with a little black smudge in it. I’m leaving the camera by the living room window.

I think that having this new job, assuming I pass everything, is going to take a lot of my stress away. As is usual, a lot of my stress stems from the fact that I was never very good at making and holding onto money. But once I get a paycheck or two from the casino, I believe it will feel like I’ve finally completed moving to Maine. After living here for a year and a half, I think this will make the circle complete. I won’t just be here with all my stuff, but I’ll be financially self-sufficient again, not living off savings, a proper grownup again, for the first time in Maine. Perhaps this will enable me to spend a bit more time looking forward, and making plans. I’m already considering one plan: This job starts part time, but is expected to become full time, once things pick up from all the Covid bullshit. I’m not looking forward to 40 hour work weeks again, but once I’m doing that, I think I’d like to get a new car. I’ve never bought a brand new car. I think it’s time I did.

By the next time I write, I may have started working at the new job! Oh, I have already received one email from the company doing the background check asking me, “Do you also go by the following name, and/or is this you? Rick E. Weidmann.” So I guess they found you when doing my background check! I assured them that we were two different people, and they seemed satisfied with that.

All my love to you both!

[deuce-duce]

Courage To Grow

Before I continue forward small disclaimer. Lol! During these activities I will be going over I’m usually listening to music. Music helps me maintain the mood and vibration that I have achieved through resetting and feeding my mood!

Picking up somewhere, where I left off, begins with feeding my mood by feeding my mind. For my mood essentially dictates my productivity tactfulness and my ability to absorb new information and skills so that they might benefit me when the right situation arises.

When I am in a bad mood I’m unreceptive, nothing flows and Murphy’s Law begins to take full affect (anything that can go wrong, will go wrong)!! Things escalate, much quicker and always seem harder or more complicated then they need to be.

If my mood regulates what Im able to accomplish, then I better learn how to regulate my mood!! There are many different ways to enhance your mood and overall well-being, which I’ll discuss later. Right now I just want to explain how I get myself out of bed everyday with tenacity and a positive outlook to keep fighting the good fight!

Before I jump into that I have to explain a little... re.... wi....nd....!! To the 28th of January 2021.

So I really wanted to write on the 28th... I had it all planned out and really thought I would be able to pull it off. Unfortunately all the things I had grown accustomed to remaining the same and being unchanging i.e. the little things, were suddenly causing me discourse. I won’t bore you with the specifics, in reality the people involved don’t deserve the time attention or energy. Let’s just say I was In a place I’m not in very often because of how it makes me feel. Amidst the noise and haste I was still able to get done a couple of the things I needed to, laundry & a couple other things for work.

Off to work I went!! Frustrated and irritated... UGH.... shortly after embarking on my commute to work I was about to enter the park, then right in front of me were two pairs of birds soaring through the sky. These birds stayed in their pairs but would separate from the group and then reconvene. Immediately I completely forgot about the irritation and frustration and was ear to ear hahaha even after the birds were out of sight I couldn’t stop smiling! I think this was my sign that what I have been telling you is correct! For it really is the little things, the silver linings that really make the cloudy days worth living! It also gave testimony to even though my life has been really hard it truly is SO.... Beautiful!!

After a hellacious day at work LOL (really wasn’t that bad) I was walking home and as I cut through the park like any other day I crossed the Good Bridge and then the other as I was crossing I was looking down and realized that the ground and the water were glowing almost! I stopped dead in my tracks looked up and was confronted with the bright beams of January’s full moon! Dubbed the Wolf Moon. Now although this next part is just a coincidence, Metamorphosis was playing and the last verse had just started... I’m sure you know what happened next... I turned on my camera and took pictures!! Lol when my camera came on the music turned off I was like awe.... in disappointment but then all I could hear was the rushing sound of the river and felt at peace within myself! It was really cool! after I finished taking pics and continued walking I couldn��t stop looking at the 🌝 and then the clouds blew in front of it and it was gone... hmm.... maybe there really is a Man on the Moon...! The other strange part about this coincidence was it was literally in the same place I saw the 4 birds soaring earlier that day.

When things like this occur I never really quite know how to explain em. I feel crazy right now explaining this to you and what happened because of how far fetched it sounds and I definitely could be compounding events associating meaning with events that aren’t even meaningful. But being aware of synchronicities and patterns is the key to hearing that which is never said... “ohhhh 💩 did he just say he hears things that aren’t said... like hears voices...??? CRAY!!” But then again your opinion doesn’t matter this is my story and this is what happened to me. I think it’s cool and crazy tbh but definitely worth it for me to share. Once again I’ll reiterate the song Be Aware by SOJA. I could also go into telling you how powerful the moon is and how it affects our planet and population but I’ll let you ✔️that out on your own. Once again it’s the little things that really are the big things... sometimes we’re too concerned with things that maybe we shouldn’t let consume us that we miss on that which is going on around us. #stayinginthemoment

The 29th was a day spent enjoying all the things I like doing. I had a day off so I spent it listening to some new music sleeping... I even spent some time in the gym. Thought about writing on both the 29th and 30th but just wasn’t feeling it... and if you haven’t grasped it yet I’m definitely hooked on a feeling... it was also important for me to pay homage to modern day Kings. ❤️✊!! Then the 31st rolled around I worked something like 13 hrs and really didn’t think I would be putting my best foot forward if I did... and so I wait! Besides what better day to write then 02-01 of 2021 unfortunately they are coming at me like machine guns and couldn’t pull it off! But hey there’s always today and really it couldn’t be more fitting 2-2 is always a great day to drop. So before I go any further I just would like to say... thank You for without you there would be no me no 2-2 so I will salute you and bid you adooo all in one motion, Cheerio!!

Alright enough 🤡’in around... back to moods. As I’ve started discovering and uncovering that which keeps me in a state of tranquility, promoting spiritual growth and elevation of my consciousness I have changed a lot of what I follow on the Gram. Of course I still follow a lot of scantily clad lasses for I am a man... I just decided I should follow more of what makes my soul smile as well. To me that’s many different kinds of art; fashion, jewelry, photography, music, nature, awakening as well as different opinions and perspectives. Why?!?! Even though I might not agree or resonate with another’s opinion or perspective it’s still good to know. My English teacher would always drive home the point of the more ya know... the more ya know... I thought it was just so you could be a well refined individual but there’s more to it then that by increasing your knowledge you begin cultivating that which is called an open mind. Which could also be the opening of your 3rd eye. But we will discuss that after I explain how I get myself out of bed each day with tenacity and and a positive mindset to take on the day and continue fighting the good fight!

Why the Gram??? There’s so much free thought on there that you literally could jump down rabbit hole after rabbit hole increasing your knowledge, know how and giving you subjects and skills to research on your own. Sometimes I watch movies by accident and then it’s almost like I was meant to watch that movie at that time... it’s crazy (Avengers End Game) 😭😭 so if a movie is calling out for u to watch it you probably should. 2 things I can’t stress enough!! Learn about that which speaks to you and moves you not someone else for your individuality is the most valuable thing you will ever have in your life. Is it good to learn about things others know YES! But if you realize that it’s not providing you with anything and your just not feeling it... then... just let it go keep what you have learned but don’t put a lot of effort into it. Focus on what moves you. Stress point 2 when learning something new there are going to be things your not going to understand anytime that happens to me I open up a browser and figure out what is being discusssd or described. So that I have a better understanding of something. If you need to you can always ask someone as well but if it doesn’t make sense and doesn’t add up keep doing your own research!! I guess there are three points to make 3rd is question Everything!! Literally everything, when something is off or doesn’t sit right with you there is usually a reason. I realize this is a lot to throw at you all at once but this is what I notice in myself and what i do so hopefully something can benefit you.

When learning new things, it at times can be discouraging maintaining the information what I have done that works for me is associating what I’m learning with something I already know. For instance I have a really hard time remembering peoples names so I’m working on associating peoples names with people I already know. Start with small stuff that’s easy to remember and gradually build because although things are different and may seem complex the fundamental components and principles involved apply to most things. Once you figure those things out!! You’ll be boooommmmiiiinnnn! Because you’ll be able to apply what you already know to what your learning... snowballs after that!

After I hit my ceiling in new information I just stop we all have our moments where we’re just like ugh!! That’s enough!! causing me to get my rear in gear!! Now that I’m out of bed it’s time to use what I have learned maybe not that day but I try to practice putting the things that I have resonated and agreed with into action. This solidifies what I have learned and opens my mind for more information. When I do this, it is what exponentially feeds my mood for that day and the next!! For it reassures me that I am capable and worthy! Giving me the confindence in myself to do it again the next day, boosting my confindence skills and the feeling that I can believe in myself once again!!

The one thing that I had to learn while going through this process was to be gentle on myself. Before I would get angry anytime I didn’t understand something. I would curse myself saying your so... stupid!! I realize now that was only causing me to lower my vibrational frequency making it even harder for me to learn anything new or... remember and use that which I already knew. So be gentle with yourself... you owe it to yourself and your worth it!

I’ll end with something I have kind of always known but choose not to practice. The most important thing you can do every morning is hydrate hydrate hydrate!!!! Then moderately caffeinate. I’ll explain why this is important on my next post. I can’t tell you when ... that will be... I’m going to plan for tomorrow but as we know... things don’t always go as planned

Have a great day everyone

🦅🌝

Songs for today

Courage to Grow ~ Revolution

My Life Alone ~ SOJA

Being Me ~ Jack and The Weatherman

[phuongmai-blog]

Day 1 & 2: Travelling to Maastricht

For the past month I have spent a lot of my nights crying due to how anxious I am feeling, and how much I was going to miss my friends, family, and Gami (especially Gami). I’m also someone who’s a big worrier. I’m travelling alone – will I make friends? Can Gami and I survive a long distance relationship? Am I forgetting something? Do I have enough money? What if I get robbed/pick – pocketed? Will I have friends to travel with? I think you get it… LOTS of things to worry about. Also I’ve been listening to an abnormal amount of true crime podcasts within the past year – WHICH HAS NOT HELPED AT ALL WITH THESE ANXIETIES. 🙃

(snack break) I’m currently writing this on my flight to Amsterdam and the nice flight attendant gave me a nice big stroopwafel and some mineral water – I love dutch people already! Haha.

But yes, lots of worries, especially since I am flying and commuting alone. This is me trying to stay positive on the plane! 

In terms of travel, I am flying directly  to Amsterdam via KLM (I am a strong believer in flying directly to a destination after my Japan fiasco – which is a story Gami and I will gladly tell you if you ask) and then taking a train from Schipol airport to Maastricht train station which is where I will get picked up by a shuttle bus organized by the university’s international student network/association.

There were so many times to past couple days I thought about not going, not doing this. I think I felt this way because I finally got to a place in my life where I was somewhat comfortable. And to think I was just going to “ruin” all of this comfort to drop everything in head to Europe?! But here I am - the whole reason I chose SFU was so that I could go on exchange. It would be a huge disservice to myself had I not gone on this adventure. Sometimes we just gotta put ourselves out of our comfort zone in order to grow

The past week before leaving has flown by so fast. I was able to get in touch with my second cousin who lives in the Netherlands! Which is so cool!! Turns out she lives in Utrecht and she speaks Vietnamese and Dutch! She is so sweet, I’m looking forward to settling down and visiting her. She even offered to pick me up from the airport to spend some time together at her place, and then drop me off at the train station. Unfortunately, she offered this once all my travel plans were made, but I will definitely stay with her sometime during this trip.

When I was leaving the house and saying goodbye to my mom, Carter and two sisters, it was hard to hold back the tears. In the car my dad was telling me how everything was going to be okay, and that when he escaped Vietnam, he was 20 years old. He was pretty much saying, that if he could escape Vietnam, that I was going to be okay. When it finally came down to saying goodbye to my dad, all the tears just came down. I think my dad walked away without looking back because of how emotional he was getting too. You know how dads be. Man, just writing this is making me cry. I’m not too sure if I’ll be able to go back and proof read this post without crying. Queeny was working at the airport and bought me a nice pair of long taco socks because I didn’t realize that you need to wear long socks with Blundstones.

And finally, the hardest goodbye to make was to Gami. We spent a long time outside the gates, crying, hugging and just being a couple. Every time I looked back my heart just broke into a million pieces seeing how sad he was and him crying. It took me a couple times to finally walk through the gates. As much as I know that we will be okay, I feel so bad to leave him behind. He never made me feel that way, but I couldn’t help but feel bad. Gami you have been so good to me, and especially good to me the past two months. Man, who would have known that airports could be just sad places. I’ve never associated YVR with sad emotions, but today it was. I know we can do it, and I’m counting down the days till I get to see him again.

Getting through security was tough, I mean, I’m alone and crying. I think one of the employees told me “hey, you did a good job.” In an effort to make me feel better – and I really appreciate it. I had my bag pulled aside because they thought I had too many liquids, thankfully I didn’t!! Also hot tip: keep your liquids in a separate bag and take out for security screening.

I then walked to the duty free and bought a moisturizer, then proceeded to the gate. Man, again, hard to hold back the tears. Especially reading everyone’s message, and especially gami’s. I was able to squeeze in a phone call with my mom and Gami before boarding. Now here we are, in the plane… just waiting to see what happens once I get off. Also shoutout to Susan for telling me about the snacks at the back of the plane! I have definitely stood up multiple times to walk and stretch…. Because the one flight I can’t sleep, Is this one shaking my head

The rest of my travel day was quite rough. From Schipol I bought a train ticket but I was so confused with what was going on. I thought the ticket I bought was for a specific journey, but I quickly learned that it doesn’t matter which train lines you take, as long as you get to Maastricht it’s fine. Unfortunately there had been a medical emergency which in turn caused all the train lines to get cancelled and re-routed. I hope you can imagine the sheer amount of panic I had reading on my travel planner apps “this journey is no longer available.” What was supposed to be a 2.5 hr train ride and 2 transfers turned into almost 3.5 hrs, many transers and switching trains/platforms.

Not sleeping on the plane during the 9 hour flight and this hectic train ride was needless to say not ideal. There were many times where I thought, I can go home, but I can’t. I truly felt like giving up. But I pushed through and finally made it Maastricht! Thank goodness the school had set-up a pick up service from the train station to the residence I was staying. Even though I was tired, I was pushing myself to talk to people and make connections. Since one of my biggest fears is not having any friends.

When I got to my room I had time to take a quick nap before the first social events were going on. I took some time to buy an arrival week package, which I highly recommend! It’s pretty much a bunch of events the International Student Networks puts together for you to meet others.

Man my dorm room is huge, but also it felt so lonely that first day. The exhaustion and worry was not helping me. I really wanted to take a nap before the first social event, which was speedfriending, but my mind couldn’t turn off. I felt so lonely, everyone back home was sleeping, and it was really hard for me to convince myself to get out of bed. Nonetheless, I pushed myself to go to the speedfriending event and success! I was able to meet some people. It was great because a lot of people were in the same situation as me and it’s so cool meeting people from all over. We definitely got a lot of Aussies, Canadians and Spanish people here! I’ve never been exposed to so many different cultures. There was also free beer! I never liked beer but there’s something about European beer which isn’t too bad!

After speedfriending there was a beer Olympics event. I was tired so I decided to leave early with a new friend I made. Before we left we actually went down to the bottom floor of Atlas where past exchange students left things that they didn’t end up taking home. This was really useful! There was stuff like Tupperware, paper towels, a hair dryer! Thank goodness for the last people. I will definitely pay back and donate a lot of my stuff I’m not taking back home.

[sareesinthewind]

Photo 1: My Ammama's house Photo 2: My home during the 2 richest months of my life Photo 3: The TRO office on the A9 Road, Killinochchi (2005) Photo 4: 2 Grave "stones" of Tsunami victims erected at a mass burial site Photo 5: 69 children, all under the age of 12 perished at this Children's Home in Mullaittivu. There were remnants of feeding bottles, toys, shoes and books strewn around. SHIRANEE ************ 19 February 2005

Hi all  When I arrived at the TRO office in Colombo and asked if I could hitch a ride to the Vanni I didn't know they were looking for a translator for 2 French ladies who had arrived with relief items that they wanted to distribute at the camps (known as welfare centres).  That is how I met Sandrine and Catherine Chopin (S&C) and had 4 memorable days on the road with the sisters. The trip up to Vanni was smooth (left Colombo at 2am) until we reached the Army checkpoint at Omanthai at 9am. We followed the heavily laden truck (with relief items), by van.   The SL Army insisted on unloading the truck to check if we were carrying any banned items  (like guns!).  They detained us in the hot sun for 3 hrs while they unloaded, checked then reloaded and demanded Rs.1800 for their trouble !! Sandrine was not going to part with the money without a struggle. She asked to be taken to the highest ranking army officer who was rude and relentless while the junior officers were very apologetic saying they were only carrying out orders. We had no choice but to pay the 1800 rupees and get out of there before they thought of other ways of harassing us.  While they checked our personal baggage 2 female army officers helped themselves (or thought they did) to 2 of the trauma bears that I had brought.   When they finished with my bags, I pretended I didn't understand any Sinhala, grabbed the bears from them and put them back in my bag and zipped up very quickly.  They made rude comments about the Tsunami victims being 'lucky' because they received stuff like the bears !!!!   My limited knowledge of Sinhala prevented me - I was so tempted to say something which would have been a very foolish move under the circumstances.   Arrived at Killinochi (TRO Headoffice) at 3pm, very tired, hungry and longing for a shower but had to go into meetings with the TRO guys who would help us with logistics/direction re distribution.  I was on a PC translating and typing lists, 15 minutes after arriving in our homeland - felt very useful and glad to be so.  All records are maintained in Tamil so any information needed, has to be translated, which is where I become useful. 95% population speak only Tamil. The 20 year civil war preceding the Tsunami has impeded the education of the younger generation. They had no opportunity of learning English (or anything else for that matter).    Coming back to S&C,  we got the necessary information and with a guide provided by the TRO we left Killinochi for the Mullaitivu area to distribute relief items - this we did for 3 days, returning only to sleep at 11.30 pm each day. Mullaitivu is about 1-2 hrs by (pot-holed, mostly dirt) road.  We visited several welfare centres, all run by TRO.   We met victims still in schools (Phase 1), in tents (Phase2) and saw individual homes still under construction (Phase 3) where they will eventually be resettled.  Life in the tents is unbearable in the 40 degree heat - very sad. They sit in groups under the shade of trees during day and go into the tent only at night. They have no choice.  I managed to distribute the stuff I brought - Karen, the kids loved the trauma bears.  They have nothing to call their own and hugged them tight.  The stuff that Sue and Kate gave too were gratefully received - very useful.  S&C brought stuff that were suitable for infants - we had made up baby kits with about 12 items in each kit before we left Killi.  The smaller camps were easy but there was a rush for stuff in one camp that we reached only at 6.30pm.  We had to use the headlights of the van to distribute the packages as there was no electricity - this was a bit scary as we were losing control of the situation - people mobbed us and were visibly disturbed that they had not each received something.  Those who didn't get anything were complaining to me as I was the only Tamil  in the 'team'.  Very sad I wish we could give them all something - they had lost absolutely everything - some even had their clothes washed away and found themselves naked when the water receded.  TRO is doing a marvellous job with the limited resources.  We had lunch at one of the camps y'day and the inmates were thrilled that we shared their lunch. It is not an experience I can even begin to describe.  I had the opportunity of talking to many of the victims.  A lady who was surprisingly cheerful said she had lost 15 relatives including 3 siblings and 3 grandchildren. I asked her how she coped with her grief - she said being amongst others like her helped her cope. She pointed to the rest of the refugees and said that they were all in the same plight.  There was a very young father who blinked away tears as he related his story. He had returned from Dubai when he heard of the Tsunami only to find his wife and all 3 kids had perished.  He is not sure if he wants to go back to Dubai to continue his job as a truck driver there.  He says he has no one to earn for.  There was a lone young woman sitting under a tree - I sat with her for about 10 mins but could not get a word out of her - she sat with her head lowered and was not even aware of my presence.  The others told me she had lost her youngest who was born 2 months after her husband's death (natural causes) - this child had been special.  She had 2 other young kids who hung around. She ignored them.  The other inmates are caring for those kids.  Several such stories.  It was the fisherfolk who were most affected in the Mullaitivu district. The fishermen, now living in temporary shelters are proud breadwinners and are not happy to live on handouts. They want to get back to sea as soon as possible. I think that is the best 'relief' we can offer them.  I have now made contact with Prof. Soosaiananthan who has taken time off from his job at the Jaffna University (lecturer in Fisheries and Aquaculture) to help restart the fisheries industry in the Mullaitivu area.    I start work with Prof. Soosai's team today working on the "Back to Sea" project and will be based at the TRO office in Killinochi.  The "team" consists all of 3 members including  yours truly!! We have an office set aside for us with 2 PCs.    I will be translating reports and other data which we will send to people overseas who are interested in helping.  Everything happens at snail pace here - so don't expect updates from me too often!!!   S&C returned to Colombo this morning and I miss them - we had a wonderful time together with our young muslim driver, Innam and Jeevan the TRO guide - everyone worked so well together.  I am beginning phase 2 of my work here (!!) today.  Very rewarding time so far and am already sad that almost a week of my 8 weeks here is coming to an end. I will write whenever I find time. I am going to try and attach some photos and hope it gets through to you.  Sadeesh the IT guy here tells me hotmail will only carry one photo at a time - will therefore send you separate emails with photos - please bear with me !!  Shiranee  ************ 13 March 2005  Hi everyone  This is another update in case you are interested.  I am continuing to enjoy my stay here and find the work very rewarding.   I live in a small house built by the TRO for volunteers.  There are 5 such houses in one compound but not all are occupied all the time.  At the moment there is a couple (retired engineer and wife from UK), 2 young engineers and myself occupying 3 houses.  All meals are delivered from a communal kitchen in an adjoining compound.  It is quite normal to hear rustling sounds in the house. I am too scared to investigate so I get under my mosquito net (for safety!!) and read by torch light.  I am quite often in bed by 8pm.  I can ask the watchman (of the compound) to have a look but don't want to - this is all part and parcel of life here. I suspect frogs have decided to keep me company. Plenty of wildlife around. The UNICEF rep here (American lady) was bitten by a snake and was airlifted to Colombo after 3 days at the Killinochchi hospital.  I ride a bike to work and back and arrive at the office huffing and puffing much to the amusement of the TRO staff.  I am so unfit. At the moment I walk to work (45mins each way) because I have a flat tyre which needs fixing.   The sun is scorching hot by 7am.  Believe it or not, I have now acquired a tan !!!   I work in the office 6 days and teach English on Sundays (after attending CSI church at 7.30am) at one of the orphanages close by which cares for 520 girls and a few boys under 5.  I can't bear to go the baby section because it is so pathetic. The kids are very well cared for, well fed and kept clean but there is still that sadness in their eyes.  I try and make the lessons as fun as possible - games, actions, colouring etc    The Year 9's were only interested in the story I read and explained to them in Tamil.  There is a 21 yr old in the office (Akila) who grew up in the same orphanage.  She is keen to learn English but all she wants to do everyday is read the Cinderella story - I try to distract her and teach her other things but later wondered if that story is her dream too and whether that is why she wants to read that story over and over again. She is gradually beginning to trust me and now tells me her story - very sad.  She has a little sister in the same orphanage and a brother in an adjoining boys home.  Her sister is currently down with mumps along with 34 other kids and has been quarantined. Akila told me her sister was tiny for her age (I am yet to meet the sister) because she had only been fed water for the first few weeks of her life.  Children as little as 7 draw water from the well, hand wash  their own clothes and attend to all their needs themselves - they are so much more independent and capable than our children growing up in luxury in Australia.  Another girl (Year 9) told me that she owned a cow called 'Letchumie". She does not speak of her parents or siblings (probably dead, not sure) but keeps telling me she misses her cow and wonders where it is today.  Like the Tsunami victims I spoke to, I think these girls take comfort in the fact that everyone around them is in the same plight.  Some who have one parent or relatives (who are interested enough) go home during the holidays but the others stay all through the year. One girl even told me that she misses the orphanage when she goes home and feels 'out of place' when she is with her family who she sees only once a year - probably true.  My work is quite varied and I am happy to do whatever is useful which is mostly the use of my language skills.  For example, I attended the sports meet of a preschool run by the TRO where they teach kids 3-6 years in ENGLISH. The people here are aware of their lack of English skills and make it a priority to learn the language. Anyway, at the sports meet, I was asked to make the announcements in English (I was only there as a guest).  The guy making the announcements in Tamil was so professional and here I was spluttering my way through colloquial English - lucky not many understood me!!  I am often called into meetings to translate - sometimes challenging and exhausting because I have to be very careful to understand the issues before I translate and get the right message across.    I went to Colombo for a day to get my visa renewed (we are only given 30 days on arrival). I managed to get a lift in an air-conditioned NGO 4 wheel drive - sheer luxury.  Returned in a TRO vehicle driven by a young maniac with a death wish!!  I had to keep my eyes peeled all the way back. We left Colombo at 2am to avoid the sun and also to make sure we arrived at the army checkpoint early. The driver said "akka, keep talking to me, I am feeling sleepy"!!  So I had this deep and meaningful conversation which went on for 8 hrs. Thank God we arrived safely - wont be travelling with that guy again. I have approx 4 more weeks here and panic when I realise that my days here are numbered. Will write again whenever I find the time. Shiranee ************ 4 April 2005 Hi all It is with much sadness that I have begun saying goodbye to the wonderful people I have met during my stay here in Vanni.  It is so true that time flies when you are having a good time.  This is my final update before I return home in a week.  People  have been very warm and gracious in sharing their stories with me.  Every person I met had a story – they had lost at least one (usually more) family member either in the war or as a result of the Tsunami.  Displacement has thrust them into poverty.  It is interesting how they’d go to the trouble of explaining how well off they were before the war/Tsunami. All the Tsunami victims have now been moved into temporary shelters by the TRO which is a very basic structure – one room and veranda, communal baths/toilets. The shelters are built only 7 mtrs apart from each other – no privacy at all.  They cook outside on an open fire.  The children in these compounds seem reasonably happy but some have not gone back to school yet.  This is probably because they are left with one parent (or none) and have no guidance and support to get them back to school.  Several school buildings were destroyed by the wave.  Some of the students gather under trees  in the school compound for lessons.  I have enjoyed sitting cross legged on a mat and chatting with these newly resettled families.  Most are happy with the assistance they have received but TRO is not without its share of disgruntled beneficiaries.  They are unhappy that they have not been given boats and fishing equipment yet – they are not able to comprehend the mammoth task that TRO is faced with.  I had to explain to them that TRO itself relied on donations from the Tamil diaspora and had very little money to work with.  Some were also annoyed with people like me (incl. myself!) who come, chat to them and go away leaving them ‘empty handed’.  I hope they understood when I said that my aim was to go back and publicise their plight and get more donations so TRO could do more for them.  I could easily have caused a riot if I started handing out money.  It is very clear that people are emotionally disturbed and the men in particular seem  lost and helpless.  Some are not coping well with their ‘altered’ social status and stress that they owned big houses with their own generators, couple of boats, trucks etc before the Tsunami.  Tamil funeral customs are fairly elaborate and there is a lot of trauma relating to people not having been able to perform the burial/cremation rites for their loved ones who died in the Tsunami. In a sort of compensating gesture there were several memorial functions held on the 90th day of the Tsunami, couple of which I attended.  At one such service I met a 45 yr old lady who was terminally ill.  She said she lost her husband and all 3 kids in the disaster – she cannot understand why she was spared and attributes it to ‘karma’.  At one of the shelters I met a man who kept thrusting this photo of his family (all perished) at me repeating “thanichu ponan” (I am left alone).  He had scribbled the names of his family on the door of his shelter. In the adjoining shelter there was a young widow with 3 kids with sad vacant eyes.  I have lots of photos but there have been occasions when I have felt it inappropriate to take photos.  I have given up trying to make sense of these people’s misery.  It has been an emotionally draining experience but very enriching at the same time.  Sumathi is a student teacher at the English College run by the TRO.  I always spoke English when conversing with Sumathi so she’d get some practice.  Whenever she reverted to Tamil I would keep speaking English until one day, exasperated she said “Akka, can we speak Tamil because I want to ‘talk’ to you” .  She then poured out her story.  She had lost two brothers in the war and her family had been displaced several times.  Her older sister fell in love with a LTTE soldier and married him which threw her parents into further despair.  Sumathi said she tries to remember the times when her mother was happy (before the death of her brothers). She seems desperate for her parent’s happiness. Interestingly, she didn’t refer to her own grief.  I have been visiting a few of the Nutritional Centres run by the TRO.  These are places set up in remote villages where malnourished mothers and babies are cared for until the baby reaches an acceptable weight.  A mobile doctor visits the centres weekly.  The dormitories that house  the  mothers and children are mud huts with thatched roofs which often collapse during the monsoon season.  There is a chart of recommended nutritional meals displayed on the wall but they often can’t afford to follow that chart.   TRO allocates only  Rs. 25,000 (A$320) per month to each centre for food.  This is far from adequate and the kids often go without basic necessities such as milk.  With donations from family in Sydney I have arranged to buy 2 cows each for 2 of the centres and 200 chickens for another and also paid for the construction of a hen house.  This will now provide enough milk and eggs for the centres and any excess will be sold. The needs are endless.  These centres are also refuges for abused women. I met a  14 yr old mother who has been abandoned by her parents for bringing shame on the family by becoming pregnant out of wedlock!  The man who promised to marry her had absconded.  The centres provide training  (cottage industries) for these mothers who are often illerate, so they will have a skill and are able to earn a living when they leave.   This email is going out to friends and family in over 9 countries. Some of you have worked tirelessly for TRO over the past 20 years.  Having lived and worked amongst these people I can tell you without a doubt that your efforts are not in vain.  You’d never find a more dedicated bunch of people such as those working for TRO.  They work long days and have a ‘makkalukaha” (‘for the people’) attitude in everything they do.   On a lighter note…… Sleeping-in, is not a choice we have in this part of the world – the  cock-a-doodle-doo usually starts around 4.30 and goes on until 6am when the last lazy rooster decides to join in!  I am usually up and out of bed by 5.30am with absolutely nothing to do until I leave for work at 8am.  I lie in the hammock under the mango tree until the sun is up and scorching, around 7am.  One of our neighbours must have managed to buy some batteries for his radio – he thinks nothing of sharing his choice of Tamil music with the entire neighbourhood from about 5am and then again late into the night.  He plays the music so loud that it is really horrible and  distorted.    I ride about 2km to work along a dirt road bordered by beautiful paddy fields on one side.  The fields were dry and brown when I arrived in Feb but are now being ploughed and prepared for ‘Siru Poham” (low season) cultivation.  It is sad to see young boys who should be at school working in the fields. For farmers who cant afford to pay for  labour this is the next best thing – to have their children help in the field.  Very young girls bring cooked food to the field for their fathers and brothers at lunchtime.   I am going to miss everyone here so much particularly the 3 young boys in our compound who insist on doing a ‘full service’ on my bike each morning!!  All I need is to have the rear tyre inflated a little.  They love tinkering with bikes and I seem to have provided them with the perfect toy.    Kate is another Aussie volunteer sharing the house with me.  She arrived 3 weeks ago and plans on staying for 6 months teaching English.  We both have a session of debriefing at the end of each day which is great.  I have been translating for Kate both in the neighbourhood and at the orphanage where we teach together on Sundays.  She is now hurriedly writing down Tamil phrases that she can use after I am gone. Its been a lot of fun and I will miss Kate too.  This incredible experience would not have been possible if not for the support and encouragement of my immediate and extended family.  My employers, Blake Dawson Waldron were generous in allowing me 5 weeks additional leave as part of their Tsunami relief effort. I was therefore able to save some of my leave and hope to come back again, may be late next year. See (some of) you soon. Love Shiranee

[justarturo]

Farewell to the first man I truly loved.

Sometime ago, 5 years or so, I started an internship in the HR deparment in a globally known toothpaste company. It was my first job ever and as an anxious person it was really challenging for me to adapt and evolve at the begining of this trip. However I was blessed with 3 wonderful people. People who I love so much until today.

My boss, an estoic, serious, but loving man; his best friend, a fierce, powerful, stubborn woman who craved love and understanding from others, and their other best friend. A childish, kind of goofy, confident man. They were 47, 48 and 33 years old respectively, I was 20. Huge age gap, however we became truly good friends.

My boss, who I will refer as J, was my role model, we clicked on immediately and worked as perfect as any of those swiss clocks they mention in movies. We were an odd pairing. I was a hardworking, anxious, emotionally vulnerable young man, he was an emotionally distant, kind of lax and lazy adult, however as the only members of our team, we delivered some of the best results the area had gotten in years. We were truly a team, and thats how we became friends, and in some way our relationship evolved in work father-work son.

My female friend, who I will refer as Y. Was my confident and ally inside the HR department. She was the administrative assistant and I, as the HR intern, had to work very close to her. We shared secrets, gossip, defend each other in the line of duty and gave each other strength. And up to today, I can tell you with certainty we still do.

My other friend, whose name is V, was introduced to me by the other two people mentioned. At first he didn’t belong to HR but to Supply Chain, however he welcomed me to the company as if he had already known each other for years. I was dazzled by him. His personality, although a little childish, was confident and secure and that truly did a number in me. I decided We should become friends, no, best friends, no, the best of best friends. He was not shy, he was not quiet, he was everything I was not. As he wasn’t in the HR department, it took me a little longer to get to know him better, but after a couple of months, we started to become best buds. And with the company of Y and J, I felt as if I had belonged, not only to the company, but to the group since forever. Truly one of the happiest times of my life.

When I was with V, we laughed, helped each other, we cried, we talked honestly (or so I thought) we shared meals, even when we kind of argue, we would shake it off in no time. Now i know I loved him, I still do, at least the first facet of him I knew.

At the time I had not even came to terms with mt sexual orientation, and I did not consider myself a gay man. Buried deep inside my unconscious I knew I liked men, however this had been a personal struggle I had chosen to repress since I was 17. But when I was with V I did not even had to try to come to terms I was just happy to be close to this awesome man i admire so much and be good friends to each other. I was so happy when he told me his wife was pregnant. I truly was excited, he desired so much to become a father that when that wish started to become reality I was so happy for him. I met his wife at his birthday and loved her, I even remember thinking! OMG she is so nice and smart, we have so many thins in common. Now I dont know if thats good or not. U decide.

For almost two years I was the happiest and most hardworking boy inside the company, but then my worst nightmare came to life, I was moved from HR to Customer Development (Sales) deparment. I was crushed. I missed being J’s right hand, my job, my tasks, my projects, etc. J, Y and V were still my friends but I felts as if something had been ripped from my heart. I got depressed and anxious, I had at least one Panic attack per day, followed by several deppresion episodes, in which I would cry inside a meeting room, hidden frim everyone else. J and Y were so supportive and understanding, they even cried with me. But V was not. He could not empathize with couldn’t or wouldn’t. He claimed that everything was fine and I should be thankful and shake those concerns of mine off of me. He tried to make me happy with presents and meals, but I was truly truly sad. The thing that upset me the most was that a few days before my “promotion” he attended my college graduation with Y. He was so happy for me, he hugged me so hard and I remember hugging him so hard too. I felt so safe. He even bought me an Apple Watch as graduation present. He spent at least 10 Thousand mexican pesos, which is not cheap, to buy me that present. To be fair, his family is loaded, but still, its a lot, he could have simply bought me dinner or some clothes, but he decided to buy me the recently announced Apple Watch. I still have it btw, I treasure it as the last piece of our relationship.

After I was promted everything went spyralling, and we kinda grew apart. He tried to make me happy but failed to acknowledge my pain, I refused to let him try to make me forget and move on, and failed to acknowledge his attempts of helping me. We started to argue more and more often about stupid shit. Truly. We are both, prideful stubborn guys. And that really started to mess up our friendship. At the time I started to notice this very attractive lad in the Marketing deparment named F. I was truly infatuated by his appereance. He was truly a 9 in the hotness meter, and decided to get closer to him. Opened up about my orientation to two other friends outside the company, but decided to keep it hidden from J, Y and V, and truly anyone else. I asked this guy out even tho I knew he was in a relatonship at the time. Luckily for me, he was an asshole, so I just moved on. Soon I decided to quit the company as I was truly and deeply depressed. J and Y although sad, were supportive, but V was truly not. He got mad, we argued several days in a row, he said I was being stupid and a lot more shit. The week before my departure, we had came to terms, or so it seemed and chatting it slipped that I liked the F dude and that I had asked him out. Shockingly for me, he was TRULY supportive, he said that it was ok, that There was not anything wrong with me and he was glad I’d told him. It shocked me because he came from a very traditional catholic family, who usually mock gay, women, etc. You know.... catholics.... anyway. I thought this would help us to still be close or even closer after I left the company. However it did not change the fact we grew apart

After I left V started to avoid long whatsapp conversations, long phonecalls, dinner plans with Y, J and me, and if he accepted to attend, he would usually be quite passive agressive and throwing shade to my decisions and current life outside the company. As I was depressed I did not even fight against or for him. I just let it go until One day In a casual conversation he said “i was sad, but now I’m over you”. It hit me like a bomb. First this comment made me realize how much I loved him, truly, and discover how much I craved him in my life. Not only as my friend, but as a man in my life. Second it deeply saddened me to discover this as he hAd discovered he was no longer interested in having a deep connection with me. It was then I knew we were like a couple. An emotionally built couple. We had built a relationship between him and me that was as intense and meaningful as any of my other friends with their respective partners. There was nothing sexual about it, at least not consciously, but we loved each other. Sadly, it was not an authentic love, it was a possesive selfish kind of love.

Nowadays we talk twice a year top. Sometimes I miss him more, some other times I’m able just to remember to what once was and what could have been without hurting much, as I have evolved now to a more mature and empowered paychologist with a clear pad for my personal and professional life. I do not regret leaving the company, I only regret that we could never speak up and open up and letting him now I wasn’t quitting on him. Maybe it could have been different if I had. Nowadays, I’m somewhat afraid to let people in and to try to build and seek for a relationship with other man, because it truly hurts looking back. And hopefully writing about this will help me give closure to the V & A never happened relationship and ruined friendship.

I loved him. I think I still do, but I love myself more.

Ps. Forget my spelling and grammar as the post advances, My eyes were a little watery when I got deeper into my memories.

[modiintrainguy]

Countdown to therapy – the return

March 13, 2019 8.20am

……and we’re going back.

The brief respite from therapy after I finished with T is starting again on Tuesday next week.

I gotta admit im not sure about this guy, he seems too much like a friendly yeshiva rabbi and the room and chairs don’t seem comfortable. But he could be good and hes on Maccabi so its cheap.

Anyway I decided I should try and write down my feelings each day betweennow and then so I know what to talk about.

And if I in anyway thought I was ok yesterday was a case in point. Proves im absolyutely not ok!

Er good to know? Bad to know? Definitely things to work on.

 So, yesterday I went from being really happy to deepest down depression that I couldn’t even try and get out of. I could I could’ve but didn’t.

Day started like most – me arriving non plussed at work, putting things off, getting on with them

I got this Jira board now and people started opening issues which is good. Makes it easier to manage what ive got to do.

I decided to try and push on with the platform brochure as a ppt and do 2 marketing docs and send them to K to talk to O about cos shes in Kiev. In the end I started getting requests – copy briefs, things to review, but I soldiered on and sent the brochure and 2 marketing docs  - persoinalization and Lead Management – to K.

Its really good to have K in the picture. But still feel like I want to get out of there.

Although then A from reception asked me to write an email announcing the theme for the purm costume competition on Sunday is animals.

I wrote one and she was so happy, said its genius. Then I from HR also said it was brilliant – and me and my lo self esteem arse went into hyper feeling amazing and thinking this is what ive been missing. Like since novemeber when I started with this product marketing shit with G and O and Yni I could not understand why anyone would want to work. Id see films and see people saying “but I love my job” – like in 50 shades of grey where she doesn’t want to give up her job -  and I think whaaaaat. Its just depressing. But now I realise its about achieving things and those things being recognised.

This was the email – nothing amazing. Design came out shit!

Also I won a game of pool and played really well! Potted some fantastic shots, including the black from far.

Anyway I left at 3.20 feeling better than ever! On the grand scheme of things that’s not that good. But its relative eh.

In the evening we had a meeting at 6.10pm with an art therapist who might do art therapy with littlun. Thing is her ganenent and psychologist say we should go to hadrachat horim but the art therapist also does that so im not sure we need both. Well tonight we’ll see T and ask her.

So I had to pick up the kids, get the bath done and them eating before B came at 5.55. when she came I was just getting the food ready and I left on time.

Ah yeah, and id already said cos we were gonna already be out and have a babysitter lets go to the cinema or to eat and mrs said she wanted to see green book. But even though its got good reviews and won the Oscar for best film last week, its also supposed to be a bullshit representation of racist.

So as we’re driving to the cinema im in 2 mninds. Do I want to see instant family or bens back or not go to the cinema, and then I felt hungry but she needed the loo so I said get tickets for green book and I’ll buy pizza but the line was too long and I thought lets maybe go to pepino but shes already bought tickets and I panic and say lets see instant family cos it had 7.3 on imdb so it must be something special, so I changed the tickets and she was all annoyed and we went in and sat down and the film started and in the first second of seeing marky marks face and shit acting I knew it was a terrible mistake. It was a shit film, I ate nachose, she wanted more coke and I didn’t get it. I didn’t want to be there – we could’ve gone ot pepinos. I just spent the whole time feeling dow and shit and shit and depressed. It was such a waste of an opportunity. Id thought I didn’t want to go to eat cos I ate shit yesterday – my intermittent fastings gone to shit. Imworried the foods coming back so im eating crap at work, let alone intermitten. And I hated the film. It was like lets make a film – a couple decides to foster kids, they are hard, they start to like them, the mum comes back in the picture, they get upset the kds are leaving, in the end the mum flakes on them cos shes a crack addict, kids stay and are adopted. This house they lived in was insane big. It was bullshit with no background.

By the time we left I was deep in depression. When we got home I felt shit – couldn’t deicde if I should take the dog out. Forced myself to clean up the kitchen and have a shower, went to bed and ended up talking and feeling a bit better.

But that feeling when I was driving to the kanyon and walking in and to the cinema and I couldn’t decide what I want to do. She asked me do u want to go to the cinema and I said I don’t know. I thought if I see a good filem it could make me feel good and I wanst sure I wanted to eat. But theni realized after I didn’t want to be there. But I thought she did. And I worry about wasting money – 45 for nachos and drink, 80 for cinema, 110 for babysitter- 230 for wehat.

And this art therapist is 350 a session including when she has to meet regularly with us. But she said she might ask my dad to pay.

>>>>>>>>>> 

ADDING THIS AFTER I WROTE IT!

I forgot to say, I got some new anxiety pills cos those xanex things didn’t work and the doctor had mentioned that I can get anxiety pills that also help you sleep. So I got them – all u need to do is send a message on the Maccabi website and he sends u a prescription and u don’t even need to print it out. Its like going to the airport these days – u just give them your card. But the point is last night when I got home I felt shit and after I did the washing up and cleared up the kitchen and even made a sandwich chavita for the littlun and had a shower I took one as I got into bed. Instead of doing meditation or even trying breathing or talking to the mrs. It’s a poor choice, I need to make more of an effort. It kind of worked until I started talking to her about how I didn’t want to offent the new therapist like I feel I offended T and she said T had been upset I didn’t say thank you. Like isn’t it part of the job to understand that emotionally unbalanced people areent always going to treat people perfrectly., whatevs. I need to try harder and use techniques cos yesterday I gave up and spent the whole time in the cinema wallowing in feeling shit. Shge said why didn’t I just leave cos I know she doesn’t mind going to the cinema by herself but it felt wrong.

>>>>>>>>>>> 

I dunno.

I said that in bed a lot – I diunno and she said yes you do.

Cso I do know. Im just upset that theres obviously something wrong with me. What is ADD? What is depression? An illness? What is an illness?

Is it a physical bran problem?

Or is it simply reactions to your environment that you have got used to. That you have reacted in a way so many times that you do it automatically? Whats that got to do with an illness?

Anyway im back on the train going to work. At least I have good things – the daiughters are fantsastic, job could be worse even if its not perfect and it doesn’t look like I got the Gwy one. And the love from the mrs is never ending even if I annoy her. And the food can be controlled immediately from tofday. And I can go to the gym today.

Gotta go. Tonight we have a meeting at littluns gan. Will be nice to see T as usual 😉 but seriously she is wonderful, especially considering her age and experience.

Now we go to work, deal with the shit on my jira board and speak to K about lead management.

[jansen1107]

How the Mighty Have Fallen

I started 2017 unemployed. I’m now on my third week. It feels strange to be writing that, especially where the national unemployment rate in the U.S. stands at 4.7% as of now. Almost everyone I know has a job. So, what happened with me?

The last job I had was a three-month gig working freelance for $55 an hour at my former ad agency, which I had left full-time in June after four years. They were nice enough to have me back to help out with some projects. My gig was supposed to go through to this year with the possibility of going full-time on a new account, but my manager spoke to HR and HR spoke to the Finance department. Finance came back with a resounding “No!” And here I am.

From 2014 to 2015, and shortly after I moved to New York City, I would receive as many as 3 recruiters a week bombarding my LinkedIn in box with invitations to interview for other companies. Sometimes they’d get really ballsy and write to my work email. The ad agency I worked for had just moved me to their New York office at the end of summer 2013, so I ignored the offers coming in. There was a clause with my agency where if you left within a year of being transferred, you had to pay back all of the moving fees. In some cases, companies that hire you will pay the fee. I saw this happen with a guy who was moved to the New York office from North Carolina and who left after eight months. He and I would end up at the same agency later… and I would leave that agency in flames.

Within the first couple years of moving to New York, I received some heady offers to interview with companies that were all outside of the city. It seemed like just having “New York” stamped on my resume suddenly made me desirable to companies in other regions. One recruiter asked if I’d be interested in interviewing as a medical editor for an ad agency in San Diego. Another asked if I’d be interested in running my own editorial department for a new agency in Denver. It was so tempting, but I turned them down. I had just gone through the stress of moving all my shit (and I have A LOT of shit) and my cat to New York. Why would I want to go through that again so soon?

This morning, when I logged in to Facebook, I was taunted by one of those flashback posts from two years ago today. In that post, I humble bragged about being offered an interview with an agency in Raleigh, North Carolina. Although I didn’t want it, I asked if any of my friends would be interested. I believe in sharing the wealth, and if I have good fortune and don’t need it, I’m certainly okay with passing it along to someone who might.

Those were good times. I definitely felt like a rock star back then, and I said to myself, “I hope these job offers are still coming in when I’ll need them.” Famous last words.

Back in June of 2016, I finally heeded the siren call of the job recruiters. Big mistake. The recruiter offered me the biggest salary yet. With my rent going up another $100 in September, I really needed to find a job that would pay. This place seemed like it would fit the bill, no pun intended.

The agency (I’ll call them Beige) was not the right fit for me from go, and a little voice inside my head told me to turn back. I should have listened, but I overrode my instincts and went ahead with the interview. The recruiters were really gunning for me to take the job. I found out during several phone calls I had with them that they were getting a huge fee for placing me, based on my salary. They assured me that this place was all about work/life balance and I wouldn’t be expected to stay late like so many other agencies. (“You’ll be able to get home in time to have dinner and hang out with your cat.”) During the onsite interview, the woman who would end up being my boss very sweetly told me that Beige didn’t believe in overworking its editors. I wouldn’t be expected to work more than 40 hours a week because I needed to be fresh to do my job, she said. While work/life balance had never been an issue at my old agency, everyone I talked to was making this place sound like a country club with great pay. How could I say no? And, believe me, I did stall right up until the eleventh hour because of that nagging voice in my head. But pressure from the recruiters and Beige caused me to give in. (Or, I chose to give in. I have to take responsibility for this.)

Basically, the fuckers lied to me.

Within the first few weeks of being crammed into what felt like an open-air market with impeccably dressed people, I soon discovered that I was actually working in a sweatshop. A typical workday never went below 9 hours and 11 to 12 hours was not unusual or even questioned. I worked three Saturdays in a row because the account managers couldn’t say no to a bullying client that demanded the world on a silver platter. (We were constantly being reminded that our competitors were always showing the client how they could do things better.)

I’ve gone on at length about this experience in an earlier blog entry, if you care to read it, so I’m not going to beat this dead horse anymore. Suffice it to say, Beige was a shit show of an agency. I felt like I had been shanghaied to work on a pirate ship and that I could stick it out or walk the plank. One Monday morning, after my boss called me to her desk to deliver some sugar-coated criticism, I decided to walk the plank. It was probably the best thing I did for my health. But for my career? Not so much.

When I updated my resume on LinkedIn following this debacle, it seemed like the emails from recruiters dried up almost immediately. There was one who showed interest, and I agreed to let her place my resume with an agency that I had turned down a couple years before. Days went by after she submitted it, and there was no call. I’ve always been used to things happening very quickly. I have a lot of great experience. When I submit a resume, I almost always get a call the next day for an interview, and I usually have a new job by the following Monday. Not this time.

My mother asked me if I thought I had been blacklisted. While I don’t think Beige is wasting their time putting out the word about what a dud I was (that would be highly illegal, I imagine), I do think that the three scant months now appearing on my resume is giving some potential employers pause. The recruiter I mentioned earlier told me one potential employer was pleased that Beige was on my resume, but then I didn’t hear a word after that. I imagine the recruiter played up the fact that I worked at Beige, but then when the potential employer had the resume in hand, they looked at the timeline and asked, “What happened here?”

So, do I lie on my resume? Should I delete that bit of time and just say in an interview (if I get one) that I took the summer off to write a novel? Or take care of my elderly grandmother? Or to find myself? It’s tempting to just wipe it out, but then it becomes a lie by omission. And there’s always the danger of ending up at another agency with someone who remembers me from Beige and then tells my manager, who can’t seem to recall Beige ever being on my resume. It’s a real conundrum.

At times like these, I think about the hoops some of my ancestors had to jump through to find work. In the 1920s, my great-grandmother had just divorced my alcoholic great-grandfather at a time when divorce was taboo. On top of that, she had a three-year-old son (my grandfather) whom she had to cart off to relatives just so she could pass herself off as an unmarried woman and get a teaching job. It’s sad to think now.

On my father’s side, my Native American ancestors oftentimes had to pass themselves off as white just so they could get jobs and housing. As a result of the horrible bigotry they faced, they went deep into the racial closet, and we have no idea what tribe we’re descended from. And we’d like to know. (My parents both just did the DNA spit test, so I’m hoping we’ll have some answers soon.)

The point of all this is that the times have changed but the bullshit remains the same. Talented people with great experience are discriminated against for circumstances beyond their control. For me, ageism is a very real issue I have to contend with. My mother says it doesn’t hit until one is in his/her 50s, but I’ve already felt the sting in my 40s. I could also be denied a government job simply for the fact that I’m gay and because my orientation doesn’t jive with a Christian doing the hiring. Gaps in employment are scrutinized and can cost you a job. And if I do take a job, and it sucks, and I leave after three months—an employer is going to look at me, out of context, like I’m a quitter, regardless of the names and years of experience I have to show. I’m dead in the water.

As of this writing, I’ve sent out close to 10 resumes during the past couple weeks. Of those, I’ve only spoken to one recruiter who is trying to place me with one of several agencies within her domain. I’m hopeful, but I know the reality is that I could end up like so many executives who found themselves without a job and are now working as greeters at Walmart—and wondering what the hell went wrong. I say that will never happen to me, but will it?

I’ve applied for unemployment at the urging of my friend Julie and stand to gain a whopping $430 a week in benefits, if I’m even accepted. (That doesn’t go far in NYC, believe me.) My student loans have been put on hold for three months as a hardship forbearance. Luckily, my Obamacare health insurance is paid through March 1. (Small blessings.) I’ve already started to extract some toys from my toy collection to sell on eBay. (I did this back in 2005 during a work downturn and managed to pay my utilities this way for several months.) And I’m contemplating cashing in one smallish 401k account that would allow me to pay my rent and utilities for six months while I look. (This is fine for the short-term, but my 80-year-old self might suffer from it.) That would be a last-ditch effort following two months without a job offer. The gears are always turning, and I’m trying to be resourceful and keep my head above water. Hopefully, something will happen before then.

Sigh… Welcome to 21st-century America. It’s true what they say: The more things change, the more they stay the same. It isn’t doing much to help us, let me tell ya.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qc0Fi8kxnE

[ecotone99]

[RF] The passenger

“.. in these unprecedented times, the little things shouldn’t be taken lightly. these are the things that makes our lives happier...” the radio’s voice is interrupted by a loud static, as I drive through a long tunnel on the expressway. The static annoyed me a little, so I turn off the radio. I think to myself, Unprecedented-a fancy new word for the media to toy around with. As the tunnel ends, my view is engulfed with dense dusky clouds. The color of the sky is pitch dark grey & through the window I see a dark blue glow all around. Its about 7 in the evening, I put the car into cruise control as the next stop would be after 25-30kms. When I relax for a bit and look across the dark countryside fields have grown out to be into dark dense forest of old massive tress. Nature has a free pass on doing whatever it likes to ever since we humans stop interfering with it. It has been the longest 5 years since the virus broke out. Sure there have been vaccines and multiple variants of it for multiple type of patients. The cure did work, and thing stabilized a lot. Only after a whole year of economic despair for the masses. So much so that the people infected wouldn’t afford the vaccine, even at the subsidized rate. Government being government took too long to offer it for free to masses. They had their fat paycheck and used it as an essential tool for the elections. Then, gave it to the masses. However, it was too late by then… the psychological impact it took on the young generation was just too much. From forming cult’s that believed to virus was a cure for the nature’s freedom to resisting the vaccine and living a depleted life quality only as a protest against the world organization for making the vaccine too expensive. Sure, the people who remain sane through it all were the artistic people singing the best form of music they knew, painting the best portraits they ever could… It was irony as its finest form, as world went from needing lawyers, politicians, health origination to more self-focused institutions of living, exercise & art culture. Now, the Fields like IT, Security boomed only in terms of volume but not quality. They soon become the sheep’s herd where people did task of humongous data collection, aggregation and analysis to sell ads. Technology, cars & travel soon become the basic food & clothing standard, they were just an expense now rather than a field of profession and innovation. Times have changed a lot.

The toll arrives, I skim through the left lane as I take control of the car. As I drive past go ahead to make a stop at a nearby coffee store for refreshment. The clouds burst into a thundering rain. It hits the ground like a storm. Rain made sure the sun set earlier than it usually does. I wait for a while for it to stop so I could have some tea/coffee, but it only got worse …

The strong air wind current made the raindrops hit the car with such a intensity that the only sound I could hear was of intense drizzling. I decide to drive along before the conditions made it impossible to drive. I turn on the wiper, but it wasn’t enough. I barely moved a couple of meters before someone literally jumped into my car by opening the rear door. He dripped all over the seats and wore a black raincoat that went well along with its dark grey mask. I scream “hey!!! What the…” and my car brakes screeches loudly.

“Look man, I just need to reach the next toll, I have to work at night... its my shift if I don’t would lose my jobs… Please help me out!”

I put on my mask kept in my dash, I see around 7 messages notification before I could check it … I realized that I was stuck in middle of nowhere with a stranger. He continues

“I can pay you 500 bucks! Could you please hurry?”

“The next toll stop is of Satara around 167 Km away… I hope that works for you.”

I then drive away into the rains for next couple of minutes until a conversation break out: -

“So are you going on another workcation?” I ask him and feeling utterly foolish using the word workcation…

“Well yes and no, I believe no form of vacation involves any form of work. But this shitty corona virus has made the world a remote hub for working from anywhere…”

“I remember when I use to work for one of the corporations like you do…”

I continue “I absolutely hated from the start. It was my first job and I hated it since the pre-covid phase. As the pandemic hit us, my optimistic soul decided to free-lance…”

“We are all just free lancers of living life… we distracted our minds from living it into things like a good salary, a lot of work so we have an excuse for our poor morale and discipline…” he interrupts me...

“Hmm, that’s what I thought when I tried to clean, cook and work with a mouse and tablet in my other hand… until I tripped over the broomstick... dipped my machine in puddle of utensils and soap...”

“I thought nothing can be shittier than a 12-hr. shift and living all by yourself… until I eliminated the former and lived with the latter…” I conclude as I put my car in cruise control again…

“trust me if you don’t leave, you keep doing this life of work and personal work takes a backseat with no time for yourself. You end up running, your mind jogs but you don’t….” he replies

Our conversation is what the thousands of young adult’s face today. The saturated menial work but secure till retirement vs the life of exploring yourself. I choose the life of exploring myself and quit my job a year after the virus. My promotion was just due, but I hated every second of it. The first few days were peaceful. Then it was those slog days of life has no meaning to the days of hyper productivity machine. Reading novels every hour to exercising in the evening to the home chores. This cycle of enjoying then lying on the edge of my couch as the end of the world to living healthier … it continued for years and years…

I had exhausted all my savings, I tried to pursue singing in between those years but these days... singing was limited to online videos and pay to listen apps. I couldn’t make it any of them…

The rain didn’t slow down at all, it rained with same intensity. We cross a milestone which says 78km to satara.

Now, here I was after 5 years, giving an ride to just another employee of just another corporation. While I yearned to ace my interview tomorrow for another role to live for other few more years at some company called DSB….

My phone rings, as I reach for it, the passengers got scared to death. I looked at him as he shivers with fear like one would in this heavy rain. I ask him “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t pick it up, please!”

“It’s not a bomb!” I joked.

But instead of laughs,his faltered words and a bit softer voice starts explaining “ I didn’t got enough time… its not fair.. I should have the chance…”

“for what?”

The phone rings again…

This time I ignore the passenger’s warning and pick it up.

“Stop your car right now!” a girl screams through the tiny speakers of my phone

While my car sails on 80 km/hr. via cruise control, I ask “Why? What the fuck is wrong?”

The passenger now becomes totally uneasy and starts uneasy rolling rom left seat to right and back…

“trust me, it’s your Uniform Disorder”

“What?”

My head suddenly starts hurting as I see the passenger hitting his head repeated across the windowpane and repeating “You must not take the job ... you must not…”

“hello? Hello? Stop it !” the girl over phones repeats it

My head bursts into pain and anixety with so much chaos …

I scream “STOPPPP!” with all the energy I had in my voice.

The passenger stops but now he’s crying profusely and removes his mask. He looks an awfully lot similar to someone I have seen… until I realize he somewhat looks a lot like me... in my past life... in the younger years...

I just had to stop now…

I hit the brakes but it’s a little too much and little too late as the car skids to off road and crashes itself into a huge tree…

The airbags pounce in my face and the car crashes & breaks down…

I lie sub conscious for few hours with my face dug into the puffy air bag…

When I wake up, I see a scar on my forehead which bleeds and looks as if I tried to hit the window with my head.

I see the passenger standing out calmly deep into the woods surrounded by dark trees… the rain had slowed down too...

Strangely, despite the accident and all the mess I didn’t feel angry for a bit.

It was as if whatever he felt , would translate to how I would end up feeling. Uneasy backin the car during the school but calm now post the accident in these dense woods.

I Stepped out to talk to him, to understand why he did what he did…

He tells me “I hate my job, and I could stand a single second of it, I wanted to leave just like you… after I left the condition only got worse... I couldn’t find where my interest aligned… I smoked up all my savings on this car… then I had nothing to do or anything to pursue that interested me...

I felt like nothing…or no one in this world mattered. The loneliness made me lose my grip. I took therapy with my parents’ money... things got better I changed myself from a couch potato to a productive machine.

It still felt like a job to us ... you know? Reading , singing, writing , doing the same old chores again and again…

It just felt like doing what’s right... eventually they convinced us to become normal… and tried getting a job for us...”

“US? US? Who the fuck are you, why do u look like me?” I ask him puzzled as he sounded like me narrating my own life story….

“I told you it’s never enough time!”

A car rushes into the forest from behind, I look behind… it’s my therapist. She jumps out of my car. I look back out again to find the passenger missing… he was gone in a split second. It was like he wasn’t even here. I found myself in his black raincoat.

She panicked and started crying... as she sobbed while trying to patch my forehead wound with her handkerchief. She finally started speaking “the Schizophreniform Disorder is making you live your worst day again. Usually, I have stopped you when you enter the car but this is by far the most far you have gotten. The job that rejected you is of so many years back , when you visited Bangalore for an interview and drove for a whole day… Its okay you will get another job ... another interview will be aligned… we will toe your car then repair it and I will not inform anybody about this mishap”

She continues to cry “No one needs to know “

My phone rings again...I try to find it in the mess of my crashed car… it felled at the front co passengers’ seat with a cracked screen…

It’s an unknown number, I pick it up “hello? Who’s this?” I enquire

“Yea, its PLC technologies, we have an interview scheduled for tomorrow. It would be an telephonic interview. What time would be comfortable for you?”

I get a chill down my spine and my phone slips through my hand. I am shell shocked and all I could think about was the panicking passenger who said on loop “You must not take the job! Job!” Should I trust him? or this genuine therapist who has been trying to make me feel better ever since. Is this the new normal? or just the same old normal?

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Link: https://notyoureverydayblog258255348.wordpress.com/2020/08/22/the-passenger/

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